Loss of an Adult Child

[westleysmom]

Karen-When Westley died in January, the weather was horrible and I thought that was why people didn't visit much. I'm not much on spur of the moment guests anyway, I never was, so it didn't bother me much. But we're all so different, even or especially in our grief. Have you ever heard of The Compassionate Friends? They have meetings for parents who have lost children and I've heard that they are really great support systems. I am kind of a loner now, during the week I try to busy myself with work and I like to be mostly on my own with just my husband and daughter and her family on the weekends. But I have a friend whose son died in 2000 that swears that TCF saved her sanity. I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone. I guess people think they've said it all when they've said "I'm sorry" and they just don't know what else to say because there really are no words. I also spent a lot of the early weeks and months reading books on grief which helped me to realize that I'm not crazy and everyone has these feelings of what if and if only. Another friend goes to a grief group at her church and has found it somewhat helpful, although it is not only parents, but widows and widowers, and everyone hasn't the same kind of grief to talk about, so its more general. Some of the others here may be involved with The Compassionate Friends, and I think if you want to check it out they have a website that will help you find out if there's a meeting close by. Whatever you decide to try, or if you do nothing, you still have us here at BI, thinking of you and praying for you and there for you on the good days and the bad days. We've got a long row to hoe, but its ours and nobody can do it for us. All we can do is be there for each other when it seems too hard. Peace to you friend.

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[Guest msnher]

I'm hoping I didn't offend anyone on this site and that you all realize I was just blowing off steam, however, I feel I owe an apology anyway. I was rude. The reason I was so affected by those boys suicides is I have a gay nephew who is grounded in the religion I was raised in. It's the religion of our ancestors and as far as I know, I am the only member to ever leave it. This beautiful, talented boy keeps trying to repent for being gay. When he told me that I responded by telling him I was trying to repent for having blue eyes. Anyway......it all just makes me so angry. Anyway, I shouldn't have exposed all my frustration here.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

No offense taken at all. I tend to think that anyone who tries through their religion to change what/who a person is, is ignoring who people are in thier core and unable to love them as they are. The problem is not with God, it is with the interpretation of God or whomever the supreme one is in the religion. God is love, not judge of those different. I agree, no more than I can change my eye color can my nephew change who he is, nor would I want him to. Bless all humans, not just those that are mirrors of ourselves. I work with a woman who believes she can help change those gay to heterosexual. I asked why? She said so that they will be welcome in heaven. I asked her who her God was?

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[daveydow1]

Karen----I am sorry that your friends have quickly dropped off, and seem to be a bit distant. I, too, know

how that went for me...as I look back on it 7 yrs. later. I guess my experience was about the same as

yours. Friends/family quickly 'floated' away from me. Since I am a bit of a loner, it did not get to me, but

really needed somwhere to 'talk'.........so that's when I found BI. It has been a lifeline for me. I wish you

peace & strength to carry on in this very painful and heartbreaking stage of your grief. We're always

here at BI to help in whatever small way that we are able. Prayers, friend.

Rhonda----I saw the movie "Man in the Moon" with Reese Witherspoon a long time ago, and if it comes

on sometime on cable, I will watch it again. As I said......I , too, tend to be a solitary person anymore.

I really don't miss having people around me. I guess I'm just used to it now, and accept it as "this is

the way it is"......can't fight it anymore. Peace, friend.

Betsy----Thanks for the nice poem.

Dee----Yes, that incident where the young man commit suicide after his so-called friends/roommate posted

such personal stuff on the internet, was so very sad. I asked myself that too......."how could they do such a thing?"

It's scary to think of all the evil things people do.....they probably thought it was "funny". They were not only

cruel and insensitive, they were very immature. How awful. Your walk for Diabetes along the lakefront must have

been a nice outing and for a good cause.

Betty-------Oh, sorry to say that the little bunny did not survive. My husband found him about 25 ft away in the garden....

he was dead. I believe that he was sick to start with. Anyway, I felt badly that he did not survive. I have never taken my

cat to Blessing of the Animals at church.......she's much too skittish and shy, and I know it would just stress her out.

It is nice to see so many people bringing their pets though. Your little hurt mama squirrel was indeed there in spirit, as

you took her there in your thoughts & prayers.

Susannah-----I know how you feel about religion, and all the hatred & hipocracy there is in the name of religion. Since

Davey's death, I have questioned my feelings about religion. Not too sure where I stand on that. I guess I am just a

little bit "religiously lost" right now.....not too sure about any of it. Thanks for your post.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Oh Sherry, sorry about the bunny, but you are probably right he was more than likely, ill, Momma would not have let him be far if he were one of the healthy ones in the litter.

Yes, the walk today was great though I have been a bit under the weather, a tired to the bone, weary, achy and headache for two days. I start off okay but quickly lose steam. I have rested and graded papers most of the late afternoon and evening so I am hoping to be in tip-top shape tomorrow. I hate writing sub plans, would much rather be there. But the walk was excellent, we all wore layers of clothing and as we went along peeled a few layers off, but the wind was off the lake which makes for a dramatic scene. Big giant gray and white clouds hung low over Lake Michigan, (much more like a sea than a lake) and the water sprayed up at the breakwaters and piers. SOme men were along the pier fishing for steelhead and salmon. JOnathan was all about asking them questions, he loves to fish. So the Ron Santo (former CUB) walk for a cure of Juvenile Diabetes was well attended adn a happy occasion, a good vibe runs through the thousands of folks that walk. It was a 5K and a lot of money was raised so it was good to be a part of it.

Karen, it is hard to figure out where ones beliefs rest, but I would say that the issues seem to be with those whose interpretations are jammed down the throats of many or whose interpretations manifest as holier than thou folks who drive others to walk the other way.

Religion is the base of so many wars and arguements and yet, most people claim their God to be peace loving higher beings. Silly hu?

Anyhow, my religion/belief system is always present in me, a church is just not needed for me to worship and pray and believe in God. In fact, outside seems more a holy place than anywhere inside.

Sleep well all, I am three blinks from sleep.

Lorri, are you back yet?

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos

Fall is definitely here in the Great Lakes States!!

The Packers squeeked out a win yesterday - Good Game.

Scott and I are turning our Guardianship form into Waukesha County Social Services today. I am going to ask about the foster care system - seems they have many benefits. Since Trevor has been legally adopted by the Fields, I do not know how that will apply.

Aaron and his buddies went to Homecoming this weekend. I go to pick him up at 1 am --- and he is not there. He changed his mind and went to a bon fire I was FURIOUS!!! His response "I told you I was going" My response "You do not TELL me anything. A grunt in your direction does not a YES make!!!!"

I have to laugh. I am just glad I get to go through this stuff. I have such a different view on life since Brian's death. Even the bad is sometimes good - Does that make sense?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

"A grunt in your direction does not a YES make." Love it Carol! How did you find Aaron? Did you remember the campfire or did you have to search for him? How did it turn out for Trevor? I would think Trevor qualifies for all the foster benefits.

Lorri stated on FB that she was on her way home (by land)....Monty driving...so hopefully we'll hear from her with pictures soon.

Trudi - How are you? How's the beach house? How's your heart (health or otherwise)?

Even though I turned away from religion belief in God has been a cornerstone of my life. My understanding has changed many times during my 52 years. Each time I think it has grown a little bit. or expanded. I've become much more open minded. That faith ahs carried me through many heartaches and curve balls. Like many of you seeing and hearing your angels, I have been blessed with many such experiences (since the age of ten). Well, not MANY...but some. Deep down I have always believed in some kind of divine plan....reason for everything. My background is based in Christianity, but I have grown to appreciate teachings from all faiths. My opinion is they are all right and they are all wrong. I've tried to keep it simple by always returning to love. Love is the answer....no matter the question. Faith. Reason. Joy. Integrity. etc.

It all sounds like a bunch of happy horseshit to me today. The fact is I just don't know and I don't care to know. I get like this from time to time. Cynical. I don't know where our angels are. I haven't heard from any of them since......the last one...that will remain between his/her mother and me. I haven't heard from Stephanie ever....I don't think.

It could be PMS or menopause.

Gotta get the kids up for school.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

WOW WAY TOO MUCH TO READ, BUT I DO SADLY SEE A NEW FACE...IM SORRY....

IN A NUT SHELL WE HAD FUN...IT RAINED THE WHOLE TIME WE GOT TO GO TO THE BAHAMAS STICK OUR FEET IN THE OCEAN AND SAW IT BY TAXI BECAUSE OF THE RAIN, WE DID RELEASE KOURTNEYS HAIR ON THE PIER...DIDNT GET TO GO TO THE KEYS BECAUSE OF THE SAME STORM SO WE PORTED IN BAHAMAS FOR EXTRA DAY BUT WAS TOOOOOO WET TO GET OFF THE SHIP....THEN WE RODE AROUND FOR A DAY WENT BY SEVERAL ISLANDS BUT DIDNT GET TO PORT.....WE DID HOW EVER RECIEVE A $10.86 CREDIT (EACH) FOR MISSING THE KEYS....TO REAL HAPPY MY SELF BUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO....OTHER THEN THAT MET ALOT OF VERY NICE PPL AND HAD A GOOD TIME...WORE SMOOTH OUT TRYING TO KEEP BIZZY AND NOT GET CABIN FEVER...WONT DO THAT TRIP AGAIN OR THE FASCINATION....

HOPE ALL IS WELL...GOT HOME MISSIN MY GIRL BEEN CRYING CAUSE LIFE IS THE SAME SHES STLL GONE...KATHY I THINK YOU SAID IT BEST...SOME DAYS IT JUST TAKES IT OUT OF YOU AND OTHER DAYS YOU CAN BARE IT....TODAY IS NOT ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

AS I SEE IT, HERE COME THE HOLIDAYS NOW AND THE TIME OF YEAR KOURTNEY WAS LAST FEELING GOOD SO HERE WE GO AGAIN....

AND I HAVE KODYS APPT THURSDAY IM WORRIED ABOUT TOO...

[Guest msnher]

Oops.....Colleen...."a grunt does not a yes make."

Welcome back Lorri. Sorry it's a rough day. Is for me, too. It just happens.

[Crystal16]

Hello all,

I am new to this website and anxious to talk to parents who can understand and relate to my situation. Thank you and I look forward to building a realtionship with you.

Crystal

[Crystal16]

Morning Dee and all. It's a crappy day here as well. Cloudy, dark, and rainy...it fits the mood I guess. It feels like it's been raining on and off for weeks now.I'm feeling a little anger towards good old mother nature; why couldn't it have been raining that night, he would have taken his car to class instead of that stupid bike!

I think I'm coming to not liking the weekends very much. It seems the few who still stop by, every so often, disappear. The few that do still call or stop by, during the week, tend to carefully plan their time so they can only stay a short time. When they do visit. I always feel I have to try so hard not to be sad because they will stop coming by too but it hurts so bad. I sometimes just want to scream, it's only been a little over 3 weeks am I supposed be over it?

I had to delete my FB because it only reminded me how quickly everyone else moves on. Less than a week after they all posted as if it is all over for them now. All the "shows", "displays" of concern, and promises, have all been forgotten. Only a couple days after losing my son, my own sister had a yard sale because she "had already run the ad". A week later her and my mother (another story in itself), went out to other yard sales together while my niece and Shawn's best friend went the the hemp fest in Boston! My nephew, who the day of the funeral asked if I would be ok with him naming his son (due in November) after Shawn, has only stopped by once since, though he's been close by hanging with others many times. There have been many other incidents as well. The one person I know would never have left me alone with this, is gone now. I'm trying so hard not to build resentments, this has always been the "family" way and I see, now more than ever, this will never change. Anger became my only safe place from pain many times and I DON'T want to be there anymore.

I am grateful I still do have a couple friends I can count on. One of Shawn's friends also stops by or calls daily; I don't know what I'd do without him. I am also so glad to have found this site as the times I'm feeling especially alone, in my grief, knowledge that I'm not is only a few clicks away.

Thank you all for being here and I hope you all have a blessed day. <3 Karen

Karen,

Everything you typed I feel the same way. Our childrens death was so close together it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I hope we can vent to one another at times as i feel noone besides Ashlees dad can relate to my devastation. However, he also can move on and I'm stuck!!!

Crystal

[shorty16]

Not liking the weekend - I could relate, but it is better now.

The weekends afford us too much time to think about our losses. Nothing else can enter our heads - just that our babies are gone.

That feeling does end. I now look forward to weekends, but only because I can now think of something else than Brian's death.

It takes a while for our minds to adjust to this new life. It did not help me that I fought this new life for a long time. I did not want anything to do with this life without Brian. But time has a way of creeping into your brain and loosening the stangle hold.

Your weekends will come back, but it will take a while. It is amazing to me how far I have come. Just 2 years ago , I was begging for help from my friends here and now I am offering it. Wierd.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mysonrich]

well, it only took 2 days to figure out that the "0" was actually a "D" so that I could enter a code for the LAN.

see you all later.

[hotrod]

Betsy GLAD to see you are making progress

Crystal. Glad you found this wonderful site Welcome Please post a picture of your thoughtful wonderful daughter. It rally helps to share.

Sherry so sorry to hear about the bunny. You made his last moments filled with love. One day I found a little kitten who was very sick and I was taking him to the vet. Stephen knew it would probably not survive and he stopped me and said "Mom give it a name and a hug" nothing should die without knowing love. You gave love. Very sweet thought

Lorrie Welcome back

Indigos

I have been pondering all the discussions about religion and faith and, although I had abandoned my religion in my 30 and 40 I have found that attending church, with the music, beauty and rituals brings me solace

I do not need to believe in all the church rules and sins preached nor do I need to defend my belief but I do believe in a loving all powerful God whose will I do not/cannot understand. For many years I have been angry because of the path of my life and thought that God should have fixed it.

I now understand that He did fix it --He gave me the power and wisdom to live thru it with dignity and wisdom. If I can accept life on life's term, I can see my God's love and help coming thru even in the hard times.

I had great faith that Stephen would recover, he did not, but he was taken home peacefully quietly with me near, I now understand that he had finished his life journey and I had not. I had to experience the pain of losing him, my most precious child and still hold on to my faith. I am glad he did not have to experience another loss of a parent.

The priest spoke about Faith yesterday and he defined it simply as trusting God even in the most painful times. I used to trust that God would fix everything to my advantage . Wow how self centered and unrealistic!!! Today I know that this was a childish understanding of God and religion. God is not here to do my will. He will give me courage, peace and wisdom to do his and that, finally is enough for me.

When I was in Jerusalem last month I was at the site of the crucifixion A little alter to the right of the site is adorned with a wooden statue. It recalls the terrible grief of Mary and symbolizes the ETERNAL GRIEF OF ALL MOTHERS AT THE DEATH OF THEIR CHILDRENHave a Blessed Day everyone

[shorty16]

I have to go shopping. Anyone want to come with me?

Shopping List

It’s time to go shopping again.

All of a sudden I’ve noticed that I’m completely out of generosity—I must look for some.

I also want to exchange the self-satisfaction I picked up the other day for some real humility. I’ve heard it wears better.

And I mustn’t forget to look for some tolerance, it’s a good substitute when you’re low on indulgence, and the last time I was shopping I saw some interesting samples of kindness I want to look at again.

Oh, I almost forgot—I must try to get some patience, too. I saw some on a friend yesterday, and it was very becoming.

Come to think of it, I must also remember to get my sense of humor mended, and keep my eyes open for some goodness—it’s surprising how quickly one’s stock of goodness becomes depleted.

Since there are several items on my list, I might as well make a day of it and indulge in a real shopping spree.

It would be a good idea for me to check to see if there is a special being offered on charity, optimism and love—things a person should never risk running out of.

Yes, it’s time to go shopping again. With such a long list, I’m sure glad the store is open all hours of the day and night, and that the Shopkeeper is so understanding. Otherwise, my negligence in letting these supplies run down so low could cost me dearly. As it is, the only price I’ll have to pay will be faith.

Yes, God, it’s time to go shopping again.

Barbara Johnson from Fresh Elastic for Stretched Out Moms

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[mysonrich]

Betty, I was thinking Baltimore for Thanksgiving ,but AC sounds good too. I can even take a train. I have no problem praying to God for others and of late,asking for forgiveness when I feel my thoughts are dark. What I can't seem to pray of, is Rich. Maybe there are just to many questions,the 1st one being why? My other thoughts while praying, when the questions form are formed in my mind as a damn about to break. In other words I guess, I can't form the words to pray for Rich. I do pray for Rich but mostly it's, " tell Rich I said hi". that's about as far as I get. I say hi to Rich all the time anyway.

Welcome back Lorri!

Crystal, so sorry for the reason that you are here. You have found your way to a group of loving,compassionate people. My sisters name was/is Christal. She was born 4 days after Christmas. I have not been online the last couple days so I will catch up soon and hope to see a picture of your daughter soon .

Trudi, Where are you?

Carol, where are you?

Susannah, Lorri needs your big glasses so that she can read all the posts. And I am joking. (((hugs))) Within the last 2 weeks I have met two mothers that have lost children. one was stillborn. She told me of her child. the other, a boy, was shoot. His mom did not tell me. She is a co-worker. Sometimes I think I see a familiar pain in the eyes of those who have lost children before I know that they have.

[heartbeataway]

I have to go shopping. Anyone want to come with me?

Shopping List

Good one Colleen!

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[Crystal16]

Thank you all,

I definitely need this resource. My life is in turmoil as I feel completely out of control. I have two other children that depend on me and I have a hard enough time picking my head up off the pillow. Recently, I broke up with a gentlemen I was seeing for the past 2 years not wanting to settle and just be okay with the relationship (even though it was toxic) in my life after Ashlee’s death I seem to view things differently. On top of everything else, before Ashlee’s death I found out three months prior I was with child that I was unsure I would carry to full term. Ashlee was the one who convinced me that she and I would get through this unexpected pregnancy and I would hopefully give her a sister. Since the tragedy I have a hard time even want to give love to another child fear of losing them.

[lolynbo]

JUST ADDED 520 PICS ON FB....BUT I WILL BORE YAL WITH ONLY 2....THANK YOU SHAWNS MOM...SORRY YOUR HERE AND I DIDNT CATCH WHY/HOW

IM HERE BECAUSE I LOST MY 22YR OLD DAUGHTER KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT-CARGAL TO A BRAIN TUMOR...SHE WAS ONLY DIAGNOSED FOR A FEW WKS B4 THE TUMOR BURST AND SHE NEVER SPOKE AGAIN FOR 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS TIL HER DEATH...JUNE 17, 2008...MY BEST FRIEND..

[daveydow1]

Crystal-----I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet daughter, Ashlee. I think that here at BI, you will find many

people who understand, firsthand, the pain and sorrow you are in. Please come back and read/post whenever

you feel you can. Peace & prayers for you, friend.

Dee----So glad the 5K walk for Diabetes was a success. Sorry you ended up feeling chilled and headache-y. Hope

you're ok now. You said ......"church is not needed for me to worship & pray, and believe in God......outside inspires......"

Thanks for putting into words just how I feel also. Lake Mich. was rough that day of the walk. I guess the weather

doesn't keep dedicated fishermen from going out, though I think they were brave to face the weather.

Betty-----Yes, I agree with your dear Stephen......suggesting that you give a name & hug to the sick little kitten. He must

have loved animals, and so did my Davey. I felt badly that the little sick bunny did not survive, but that's the way of nature,

isn't it?

Karen-----I, too, believe that I am a bit....."religiously adrift".... However, I do believe in God and prayer....just don't seem to

gravitate to churches right now for some reason. I can't seem to come to any solid conclusion why. Nature is my church.

Lorri------Welcome back from your trip. Sorry you are feeling blue. Take care of yourself, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mpsmom]

Carol and Ralph

my prayers are with you today

may you see red slug bugs where ever you go today

and feel your sweet Mike's arms all around you

Sending BIG Warm (((HUGGGGS) to you both today and always

I seem to be 10 days early, but the sentiments are still there, and as I check the date I will be out of the country on the 14th ... so my wishes for a good day on the 14th are early but sincere.

[rlolheiser]

hello to everybody..

Been busy here today, I had to take mom in to the hospital this morning, she was in a lot of pain and they did lots of tests, but still don't know what is wrong. They are keeping her, so I have to hurry back up there. so here I go again, asking for prayers

Been reading about your religious views... me.. I used to be a Bible thumper.. then I lost all my faith through alcohol, and now.. religion is so very different. I believe in God.. Jesus.. the Holy Ghost.. but I don't believe in churches or in people. I think everybody has what they can accept for religion. I was talking with my daughter just yesterday that said.. Miracles never happen. I tried to encourage her by.. miracles are in the eye of the beholder. Yes she lost her daugher.. but it was a miracle more didn't die ... it was a miracle.. she had another baby... but.. unless somebody wants to hear.. they won't... and maybe I am looking at it wrong... I try to see it in a good light... like when I have a flat... I find it before I hit the road usually... not on the highway. just small things like that.

I gotta run.. the rugrats are off the bus... gotta go check on mom

love to all and will try to get back on tonight

[lolynbo]

WANTED TO SHARE A PIC I BOUGHT ON THE CRUISE FOR KIMMY AND CODY...TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF IT..(DIDNT PAY BUT $50) FOR IT

[ericasmom]

Thinking of you Leah, in fact when you posted I was lying in bed, snuggled up with the chills and ready for a nap and as usual before I sleep, I pray for my BI friends, (i pray at other times too) and I was hoping that you were fine.

Here we all go again, each day, asking for prayers from those who know best what the prayers mean. You ask whenever, but know that you are always in my prayers. Each of you.

Col, love your words and glad that you see the joy in little things like finding Aaron at a bonfire even when you were unaware of his being there. I get that totally.

Marcia, good to see your Shiny Girl smiling out. I am excited for you to be leaving the states for a while, where to?

Trud, how are you feeling these days? What is it the docs are doing for you?

Sherry, the bit of flu or whatever is causing the chills and at times a slight fever, still want to eat(darn me) and I can work, I just need to wrap up in blankets and sleep everynow and then.

To our newest member, My tears and my prayers to you. I have not yet found your post telling us where you are on this new path time wise, but I do hope that you find being here as helpful and heart helping as we have/do.

I lost my Daughter Erica, Eri, when she was 19 when an Amtrak hit her car at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. That was in July of 2003. I promise that one day, not right away of course, but nevertheless, you will feel differently than you do now. It is not gettting over it, we never would or could, it is getting through it, carrying our Child as a piece of Gold in our hearts, warming us, helping us glow to shed the light for others new to this world.

Welcome home Lorri, love the photos, hate that it rained and rained, but glad that you are back.

Love ya's

[summergirl]

Crystal - Welcome, so happy to have you here but as I always say I am so sorry for the reason why. Please tell us more about your daughter, you and everything else you want to...this is the best place you will ever find to help you in every way. I am here as we lost our beautiful daughter Jessica on Feb. 18, 2006 from ARVD (sudden death).....she left a 4 year old son behind whom my hubby and I have full custody of, he is 8 now and his name is Tavian (you will here about him often),,,,The devastation of losing a child is one no parent should ever have to endure, there is no worse pain in my eyes and heart.....Time has softened the pain but it is never easier or better, there is no "moving on" as most people try to tell us.....we do move on but in a different way then they will ever understand. Losing Jessica has changed our lives completely, it is a different life now, a saddness that never really goes away and a piece of your heart that will never mend.....but with time and this site I have learned to smile again, to laugh, to live, I see the world through differen eyes now. There are many days that can go by when I smile at the memories I have of the 26 years I had with Jessica and then there are days when I am brought to my knees with the strength of the pain that invades my heart, body and mind. I pray that you stick with us, we are always here.....

Dee - the allergies are much better but still there....yes working together with Barry was a good thing....funny how you can bond by the simplest things. We will be moving and out of this house by the end of the month. The carpets are being torn out and house completely painted before I move in and then I will make it our own. I am excited but also a part of me is so sad at leaving the place where I have lived since Jessica was 7 years old !! It will be hard to say good-by but home is where you make it and I know Jessica is excited that Tavian will have his own BIG bedroom plus a playroom... We have decided to let him finish out 3rd grade in the school he is in now...he has been there since pre-K and I do not want to move him - we will wait for the new school year. Will keep you all posted on the move and post pics when I am done making it ours.

Religion - I believe in God, I believe in Angels, I do not believe that I need to go to a church to pray or HEAR God's words...I find God everywhere. I read the bible and I pray....I try to live my life as a good person. I believe that when it is your time it is your time...I do NOT believe that God choses how you die but I do believe the time is set when you are born.....alot of people do not agree with me but that is ok, we all choose our own beliefs. My anger when I lost Jessica was not at God, my faith did not waver, I was angry at everything but mostly just angry because she was gone.....I still feel the anger now and then and still ask why but as someone said once "even if God stood in front of you and told you why would it be better???" my answer "no" it would not make it better, nothing will ever make it better.....

Lori - so glad you are home and sorry about all the rain. I find that when I have gone away for awhile and then come home I am slammed with saddness, tears......seems like I just miss Jessica more when I walk through the door....does that make sense ?? Hang in there my friend.....

Karen - yes, people move on and some much faster then others....I found out who my friends were and those who were not. I found that family / friends can hurt you terribly with their thoughtlessness, their words and action. It is very painful to go through but as time goes by you find you actually care less about how THEY FEEL...it is not about them...it is about you, your loss....I realize that there are people who simply do not know what to say so they avoid you, there are those who think you simply just move on with your life as though losing a child is something that you "get over" - there are those who say "my goodness it has been 4 years Kathy, don't you think you should be better by now" - well no I do not think that way and if you do then I do not need you in my life..... I am probably not making you feel any better but I just want you to know that we understand how you feel.....as hurtful as it is I have learned to let go of those who do not enen try to understand.....on the other hand I have made new friends, many of them right here. Hang in there....

Crappy weather here for the next couple of days but then nice again. We will be camping, the last for the season.

Good night to all....I am reading the posts and sorry if I do not get to respond to all....time to get Tavian off to bed. Love, peace and strength to all - Kathy

[lolynbo]

Lori - so glad you are home and sorry about all the rain. I find that when I have gone away for awhile and then come home I am slammed with saddness, tears......seems like I just miss Jessica more when I walk through the door....does that make sense ?? Hang in there my friend.....

YES KATHEY WHY IS THIS....IS IT WE CAN RUN BE WE CANT HIDE?????...I LOOK FORWARD TO THIS TRIP SO MUCH AND EVERYTHING WAS NOT AS PLANNED AND JUST OR MORE SAD WHEN I GET HOME...

[kmb22]

Edit

[mikesmomrs]

Crystal: I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter, Ashlee. Please come here and tell us about her...share her life with us. You will find much understanding, support and caring here. And, no judgment. We all understand that we do not walk the "normal" path any longer...we have each had to create a "new normal," and it can be very different for everyone. As Dee and others have said, not now, as it is much too soon, but eventually you will find that the piercing, every-present pain of this loss will soften, and you will feel a smile on your lips again, and one day you will even hear again the sound of your own laugh. When I first heard myself laugh out loud, I was shocked and couldn't believe that it came from me! We lost our son, Mike, at the age of 31, on Oct 14, 2006, after he fought brain cancer for 17 months. He left behind three young boys (who are now 14, 13 and 5), and his young wife of less than two years. We are, fortunately, still very close to all of them, and share the joys and sweet memories of Mike' s life and the sorrow of his loss.

Lorri: Welcome back from your trip...I am so sorry that you had such bad weather, but it seems you were able to find some fun, despite the bad weather. The pics you posted of you and Monty are really beautiful...you both look terrific. We've missed you!

Leah: So sorry to hear of your mom's being in the hospital...I pray she will be over this soon and things will settle back...I know it is rough having to still "run the homefront" and yet be at the hospital also. Please take time to take care of YOU! When Ralph was in the hospital, I used to find a small corner by myself now and then, and just sit there. They had a beautiful chapel, right near his room, and I would sit in there and just "be." Or, I would go to one of the small cafe's there, and get an ice cream and just sit there and take my time eating it...savoring that slow down in the pace of the day. I always had my cell with me, so I was always available, but I found that the time alone made a difference in the craziness and worry that I was enveloped in. I also meant to say in my earlier post, congratulations on your weight loss, and especially on keeping it off even though you been under such unrelenting stress these past weeks. You are doing very well, indeed.

Kathy: I am glad that you are looking forward to your move and planning the house out for all of you. It is a lot of work and extra hours, but it will be worth it all in the end. Barry looks terrific! Congrats to him!

Dee: I am sorry that you've not been feeling well...get plenty of rest and do take care...I hope that our Garden Gnome is babying you even more than usual!

Karen: All of us very much understand the change in many of our previous friendships, some of which we considered very close. People do move away from you, but I guess it is difficult to understand and know what to say.

Marcia: Thank you so much for your thoughts and wishes...please do have a good time on your trip...where is it that you are going?

Betsy: I am glad that you have your computer up and running again... I think that many of us see that "pain" in others' eyes before we know that they are on the same road as we are traveling. Ralph and I have also thought about going somewhere for Thanksgiving, but I know that Cathi and her family would feel adrift without us anchoring the day here at home. We likely would, also. T-day was one of Mike's favorites and though the first and second one without Mike were pretty tough, we have settled into a new routine in our new house and of course the pain of his not being here is still there, but we know that he is with us and would not want to see us pass it by. The very first one without him was difficult for many reasons, some of which involved the previous one...his wife wanted to spend it with her family and he was pretty upset about it...he really did not want to come out and say "This is likely my LAST one Sarah, I'd like for us to spend it with my family" because of course that would be acknowledging the inevitable...when it came right down to the last minute, he finally told her "I am going to my parents." She came with him. It was tense at first, but I think she finally realized that he needed to be where he wanted to be, wherever that might have been.

Sherry: I agree that giving love and caring attention to the little bunny in what turned out to be his last hours was very special...you are a very kind and special person. Colleen: I love the "Shopping List" also...and yes, I could benefit from that shopping trip, as well. Good luck with social services for Trevor...I understand that there will be benefits for him, as well, and I do hope they are given to him. We provided foster care when we lived in Nebraska and found that all needs for the hcild were met by the social services, including medical. Sounds like Trevor has been through enough already. He is blessed to be with you and your family. And yes, "even the bad is sometimes good" does indeed make sense.

Sus: I hope you've managed to get all the paint off of you...I too am a painter who wears more than I put on the walls...no matter how hard I try, I wind up covered with it! We still have one bedroom to do and we still have to do the kitchen cabinets. I really, really want them done, but the beginning has been put off so many times. They are now a dark oak, and we want to paint them to match the beadboard and trim that's in the living room and dining room...a light creamy beige, with off white trim around the edges. The sanding is the first step and one I don't wish to start...so messy!

Rhonda: I know what you mean about "trying to fit Westley in our lives" and then remembering that he is no longer there. It still occurs to me to wonder "what Mike would like" when I go into a store that he liked...then I remember. Trudi: I hope you are settling in and finding some time for rest and peace-filled moments...thinking of you, my friend. Bonnie: With all the work getting ready for Pinnacle days (and the success it was) behind you, I hope you are finding some time to just relax. I know you are busy at work, but spacing some time for yourself in there.

Cathi and I did go to the final game of the Red Sox on Sunday. We had a really good time. We had wicked good seats, just two rows from the field. They won, which made it all the better...they beat the Yankees, two out of three games, (played a double header on Saturday) and all three games were really good, with the lead going back and forth over the whole game time. It was a really nice fall day, and while the wind whipped up some chill now and then, overall warm enough. We stopped for dinner on the way home and just had a good finish to a good day. 132 days til they report for spring training! Jamie is doing somewhat better, though still somewhat fragile, especially when he knows he has to be with his dad for extended time. (He generally spends every other weekend with his dad, and they have dinner together once or twice a week.) I think he is afraid that he might have a panic attack while there and his dad won't understand. They are all three going to meet with the therapist soon, so hopefully some things will change for the better. If nothing else, Jim really loves Jamie and sometimes is able to recognize poor parenting when it is pointed out...he just finds it difficult to change. Cathi got Jamie a phone, and while he does have to leave it with his teacher during the day, it seems to have made him feel better to know that he has that means of communication if he would need it. He also is no longer going to the after school program that he used to go to. Cathi learned that Jamie is the oldest one there, at 12, and the next oldest was just turned 9, so he was really bored and at loose ends while there. He now takes the bus to his dad's, which is just 2 miles from Cathi's work, so he feels better with the closer proximity to her. He checks in by phone with his mom when he gets there, and he does his homework til his dad comes home, about an hour after Jamie gets there. He seems to be thriving on the new responsibility...hopefully it will continue.

Ralph gets evaluated for physical therapy this week...he is not looking forward to it, but knows that it is necessary.

We have not decided yet what we will do on the 14th...each time I try to think about it, I just get sidetracked into places I don't want to go. We have briefly discussed taking the day to drive through some of the foliage and perhaps staying the night up north...celebrating the things Mike liked to do and remembering his life, rather than dwelling on his passing....yet those last days keep pulling my thoughts into their depths of sorrow and wishes that never could come true. This is the week when Mike had a lot of visitors come by, and many were shocked to see his condition had changed so much. One of his friends from work came to visit, and when he saw how much strength Mike had lost, he started coming every day after work and sat with him, bringing with him a vanilla coolatta from Dunkin Donuts---Mike's favorite treat. He was the one who told me at Mike's services that Mike often brought humor into their work day...he was always ready with a joke and always looking at the opportunities in life, even if it was only having lunch by the creek near their work. (At the time, Mike was working in a wooden shed building place, and it was hard, dusty work, out in the cold in the winter and heat in the summer, as the work place was a building that was open at both ends.) He worked there for almost five years.

Sending love and peace to all my fellow indigos...

Carol, mikesmomrs

Even though this picture came out kind of blurry, it is still one of my favorites...it is Chandler's fifth birthday, and despite the blurriness, you can see that sweet, innocent, heart-pleasing smile on his face...and the love between daddy and son...

[mikesmum]

Hey Indigos - Greetings from the beachside town of Venus Bay. Finally I am online and am settled. The weather here is warming up, but the nights still have that chill. Have worked in the garden today for 6hrs. My trusty side kick Muttley watching from my bed when it all got too much for him. Pls excuse any typos, am working on my laptop with stumpy little fingers!!

Family were down last weekend. Emily Caleb Melissa and Jeremy did an overnighter. In the morning we did the walk to the beach and 2+ hrs later we walked back for cooked breakfast. It was the happiest I have been in a long time. I got to watch my daughter and her family just being 'family'.T

I have Mikes guitar and Mikes ashes here. I also have a picture of the MN gang displayed. My strengths, my supports they are with me always.

To those new here, welcome. This is the place to find your peace. Its a place where everyone 'gets it'. Its a place where there really are no boundaries to expressing yourself.

I am Micheal's mum, (Trudi) not be confused with Mikes mum(Carol). We both lost our sons at 31 and it was Carol who was amongst those who wrapped me in a warm blanket of understanding. I have been here since April 07 and wander in and out. Best I can offer is to be kind to yourself. This is a journey that has many twists, turns and certainly like no other you have ever experienced. But please tell us about your child, they are so much more than that one day when the world stop.

Miss Dee - Well, after being put on a treadmill, photographed from many angles and experiencing the 'flutters' its been decided that I will need a procedure to rectify the 'rouge' electrical impluses in my heart. I told them it comes from having a broken heart...they didn't get it. The problem is 'atrial tachycardia'. I' scheduled for early November.

Carol - Love the pics of Mike. Hope Ralph is doing okay.

Betty - This place I'm in is where the dairy country meets the ocean. On the way home (here) I came across a farmer moving his cows from one paddock to the other. Muttley in all his 'country dog' glory!!

Betsy - Still taking heaps of pics. Even thinking of entering one of the local photography exhibitions. Wish me luck.

Well Indigo's the sea air and gardening is taking its toll so I will say goodnight from the land downunder.

Thoughts of my son my son with me as I type, not so many tears as once before, just an ache from missing him so..

[mikesmum]

Just took a 'walk' through the gallery before I head to bed. There are amazing pictures that reflect the lives of our children. No wonder the heartache is so strong. Beautiful people gone far too soon....Nitea

[Guest msnher]

Another sleepless night.

I don't recognize the space I'm in, Indigo's. It's so similar to the place I was last year at this time, yet it is so different. I can't even articulate it adequately. I don't even know if it's about Stephanie....and, if it is, I don't know if it's about her death....or her life. In the beginning, right after she died, I longed to understand. Knowing I never would, I tried to accept and surrender. Not without a fight, mind you. Fighting it out seems to be my way of finding peace. I thought I found it. Peace, I mean. I even thought I found joy. I'm sure I did. Didn't I feel it while painting the bedrooms and living room? Wasn't life "perfect" just two weeks ago? Am I in denial now...or was I in denial then?

And, perhaps it's the changing of seasons. Winter and holidays approaching quickly. Fear. or is it just grief?

I apologize for being so negative lately. I love Colleen's shopping list. Yes. I need all those ingredients. But, I must first clean out the "pantry" to make room. Something stinks. I don't usually keep perishables in the pantry, so I didn't think to look there. I cleaned out every cupboard in the kitchen. Emptied and scrubbed the fridge. It smelled like something had died. I pulled out the fridge and the stove. Maybe it's under the dishwasher. The smell grew worse. Other people began to notice. Gnats took up residence. I scrubbed the sinks and the garbage disposal. I threw away every plant and/or exposed fruit. I thought the smell was gone. Perhaps, however, I had just burned my sense of smell with chemicals.

I went shopping to restock what appeared to be empty shelves. The pantry is also our coat closet. It's hard to explain. It's a big closet where coats hang on one side and shelves hold non perishable items on the other. Hubby and I kick our boots off there, as well.

I noticed s slight residual of stink in the air when I got home with my groceries. Thinking it was just left over smell, I ignored it. I happily restalked all the shelves and lit a candle.

The next morning the stench of rotten potatoe and the sweet aroma of cinemin from the candle was nausiating. I still had not pinpointed the stench to the pantry/coat closet. This time I thought it was the plumbing. I called a plumber. Nothing wrong. Fortunately, he is a friend and did not charge me. When shampooing the carpet didn't remove the smell, I removed the carpet. It still stunk.

It was only a few days later, but it felt like eternity, that I turned my focus to the pantry/coat closet. I had to empty it completely before I found the small bag of potatoes that was in the very back, under the bottom shelf.....I don't keep potatoes in the pantry...not as a rule. However, after Stephanie died I put the phone in the fridge and the milk in the laundry room....so.....I could have very well put the potatoes in the pantry.

My point is...........yes. I need to stalk up on those wonderful virtues. But, I have to clean my soul first.

I do that here. I come here and tell you all how messed up I am. How I have no faith what so ever. How I'm not even sure I believe in God (again). How I'm not sure what life is all about.

But, out there.....in the world I have to live in.....I try to put on a smile and go about my business without hurting anybody. I'm sure I saw someone plug their nose as I walked by.

Time for a good "housecleaning". I'm just not sure where to start..............

Oh.....

I spent some time looking at the newer angels pictures. So sad. So treasured. Ashlee is just beautiful! Ashani is cute as cute can be! Shawn is handsome as well. Brianna's amazement at the bubbles with her cherubic face full of wisdom. I love the pictures of Trudi, Muttley and kids at the beach. Spent extra time looking at Westley. He SO reminds me of my son.

I just feel empty, Indigo's. I'm not. I know I'm not. Not really empty. But, I feel empty. I will work through this. I always do. Unfortunately I never do it quietly.

I'm kind of chuckling to myself because I have what I refer to as "my letter from God". I "received" it at about the 7 month mark after Steph died. I couldn't have made it up...not me....but, I'm not sure I believe it today. What ever is ocurring in me is just that...IN ME. That is where the problem is and that is where the solution will be found. I'll try to be more diplomatic as I go about my housecleaning..

Trudi - the new normal. .... bittersweet.

Love to all..

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Sus, sometimes it is a house of mirrors, no matter which way you turn, the events that landed you on a grief website are all around, the life of that person, the death, the remains of you, that which exists because of her life and death, all of it, reflecting back to you, filling your every minute. Happily, it will not always be in surround sound and vision, but there are times that it is like this for us all. Often we come out of the mirrored rooms after gleaning some important piece of our puzzle bu tsometimes, we don't know what it is until we have a bit of distance from it. Either way, you will emerge to find yet another rotton something and paint more rooms, you will find your steps again.

I too just looked at the galleries and while I need to get out of here for school, I just want to say that all of our Children are glorious examples of why we grieve so. Beautiful people gone before we could watch them do that next thing in life. Forever loved and forever loving.

[shorty16]

Indigos

Tonight, Chris the Social Working is coming by to talk to us and Wednesday at 230 we are going before a judge to become temporary legal guardians of Trevor. If his mother does not come up with a financial plan for us by Wednesday, she will loose her foster care liscense. Crazy hey.

I will have to take a picture of Trevor and my Fam and post. You will certainly know which one is Trevor, Kinda like the movie The Blind Side.

I am scared, happy, nervous, self-doughting, ---everything. It is this little demon on my shoulder that has really caused me heartache lately - I need to make this demon go away - Can you help me?

I here in my head "You couldn't even keep your own son alive, how are you going to take care of this boy?"

I know this is crazy, I should be committed, but I also know that Brian was Brian. He was a risk-taker, thrill seeker and a dare-devil. I know he does not blame me. He does not even blame the driver (right Sus), Brian does take responsibility for this action - I know that.

Why can't I accept that and move on!?!?!?!?!

OK, I am done - Back to work

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

I was able to get a few hours sleep after I posted.

Maybe acceptance is like an onion. Maybe we accept a layer at a time. Accepting the unacceptable. Perhaps it's impossible. Perhaps acceptance is not the last phase of grief. Maybe I have acceptance confused with approving. I don't approve so I can't accept. Maybe...just maybe, I can accept what I do not approve of.

Well...that's all the wisdom I have for today.

Have a blessed day everyone....

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[krichie]

OMG I don't know if I can get thru this day. A year today and I feel like it just happened seconds ago. I was stupid and took day off so I would not break down at work but now I am so lost.

He is with me I feel him and damn if he did not send me a sign already today. I was out taking down the pool and was thinking how he would be on other side washing it and throwing water at me when a draqon fly came right up in my face. I swatted it away before I realized what it was. It flew off and I just broke down and have not recovered yet.

I know I will go on seeing some of you here that have been thru the years with out your child but How the hell did you do it. Every single day he is there but yet he is not. He was my life- yes I have another child and a husband and family that I love deeply but Richie was me. I raised him for the first 4 years alone he was my rock, my sun, my breathe.

I tried getting his angel date on the other website but submitted it like 3-4 times and it is still not there

I am hoping some of his friends will call or come by and yet again I hope no one will come I don't think I can bear seeing them healthy and happy and how they went on with out there best friend. My emotions and feeling are changing every second I want - I don't want but wait a minute I do want.

My husband went to work and was crying as he went out the door. I know it will be very tough for him today. Richie was his soin, his business partner, his friend.

sorry got to go will try again latter

[hotrod]

DEAR RICHIE

REMEMBERING YOUR SWEET SMILE AND GENTLE WAYS THIS SPECIAL DAY

SO GLAD THAT YOU TOUCHED MOM ALREADY TODAY

STAY CLOSE AND HOLD HER AND DAD ESPECIALLY ON THIS YOUR ANGELDAY.

[rlolheiser]

Richie, so glad you are with mom today.. hold her close.. always... RICHIE .. RICHIE.. RICHIE.. dance with our angels..

Krichie..remember we are here for you.. I pray you have strength throughout the day.. take small steps.. and do what you can do

[Crystal16]

I’m having a difficult day today my ex husband post on face book was that he heard noises in his kitchen this morning and he feels its Ashlee around him. I can’t even dream about Ashlee and have a sense she’s okay!!!! I pray every evening that she would come to me in my dreams or I would feel her presence when I wake throughout the evening. Her birthday is October 14^th and she would have been sweet 16, Ashlee wanted a big party. My ex wants to still celebrate her birthday with some of her friends honoring her memory. I’m not sure I can handle that emotionally….

[westleysmom]

RICHIE-You are loved and missed and remembered today.

Karen-Sending peaceful thoughts and hugs for you and your whole family.

Susannah-You write my thoughts as if you were in my head. One minute I think I can "handle" this, and the next, I think I'm going to lose my mind. I believe that God is in control, then I think he's lost HIS mind. My friend Susan believes that God understands our anger and doesn't hold it against us; I hope she's right. Faith was easy, or at least easier before, and maybe that is the test of faith, when it is not easy. I keep thinking that all my prayers resulted in what? I prayed for him all the time and he died. That's why I'm afraid to pray anymore and try to just say that I'm thinking of someone and not that I'll pray for them. What if I pray for them and something horrible happens? Is it my fault? Was it my fault?

Trudi-Glad you are getting settled in, love the pictures. It must be warming up for you there at the new beach house. We finally got some cooler air in here and I'm so glad. But we still need rain.

Colleen-I think that about myself all the time, I couldn't even keep my own son alive, what kind of mother does that make me? I'll tell you that's bull**** if you'll tell me, maybe we'll believe each other. Good luck with all the legal wrangling. And maybe it will be like that movie, you'll help him and he'll help convince you that you ARE a good mother, which we all already know.

Carol-Colleen had said that she got out of town at holidays, but I'm like you, my daughter has a family to think about too, so I doubt that we'll be able to do it. I'm sorry that you are feeling Mike's absence so much in these days leading up to the anniversary. I don't know what I will do on January 13, 2011, I can't go there yet. I've got to get through today first. Glad you got to see the Sox win!

Lorri-Welcome back! You and Monty make such a pretty pair! Sorry it rained on you and didn't rain in TN, we would have gladly taken the rain you got on your trip. Coming home is always such a letdown, especially now. When is the dr appt for Kody? Crossing my fingers for good news.

Dee, Betsy, Betty, Crystal, Karen, Sonya, Everybody else I'm forgetting to list-I think of all of you as I go through the day and your angels too

[mysonrich]

Richie, Richie,Richie....stay close to your mom,family and friends today.

[ericasmom]

RICHIE, Sweetest Son and Father and Friend,

Thanks for sweeping past your Momma's face today,(dragonflies are known in ancient lore, as messengers from heaven) for letting her know that you are present in her life in ways that she will one day understand but will ache, as you know, until that day. Help her to feel the sense of peace you have now. Let her know, really KNOW, that you will always be with her.

Hang on Dear Friend, hang on like a leaf in a storm. One day you will feel a softer breeze blowing, not the raging ones that fight you at every turn. One day.

[Guest msnher]

RICHIE - remembering you and your family....hugs to your sweet mother!

[nicksdad]

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Trudie Good to see your handsome son Mike again and to hear about your progress with medical tests. I looked at the new Gallery pictures and loved seeing the beach pictures Mutley certainly looks at home It is a paradise. So glad you are there and that the family can visit.

Leah I hope Mom is doing better and that you can rest.

Betsy you are right I too can se the pain in others that I did not recognize before. It appears that many have a private struggles. Baltimore for the holiday sounds good too.

I am going out shopping with Colleen's shopping list. It will take me all day because I too see how much I have let slip from my cupboard.

Susannah I am glad you found what was causing so much trouble in your home. I agree that reaching "Acceptance" is the key . Acceptance has the nothing to do with liking or approving of a situation it is just finally realizing that the dreaded thing did happen and that "Absolutely nothing I do or say or think or feel can change it. I no longer struggle against the fact. The profound loss is still very deep within and will remain until I have that moment that Bonnie refers to . It is no longer a dream but a reality

Carol, Trudie, Betsy, Lorrie loved all the pictures

Stay well

[Guest msnher]

Krichie - I just went through the first angelversary, myself, so I don't have much wisdom. I THINK we just keep breathing in and out. Ironic. We do what we can when we can where we can. For me there are days that's just brushing my teeth and getting the kids off to school. THAT, alone, drains all my energy. I wrote about being like a broken light switch....on and off...on and off. Rapidly my moods and ideas changed. Grief, at it's core, is a contradiction of itself. Grief is powerful and it deserves our respect. It will lift you up and knock you down. It is ugly and beautiful. It is intimate....an invasion.......an invitation. No. Not an invitation. It's a demand performance. It demands our attention. It doesn't ask if NOW is a good time. We will be stretched beyond our limits. Painfully aware of each breath, each heartbeat...every bodily function. And, even when we feel confused about life, God......the divine plan........even when we can't feel God, angels or our angels, we are not alone.........we have each other.

Ashlee's mom - Stephanie's birthday was more difficult for me than her first angelversary. We gathered as a family. I cooked her favorite meal (homemade noodles and chicken and better than sex cake - known as ooie,gooie chocolate cake for the kiddos) We released 28 pink and purple balloons and one huge white balloon. As the balloons drifted up and eastward the kids (her children) chased after them waving and yelling "Bye Mommy!" I crumbled at that point. However, I am glad we did it. I don't know that we'll do anything again...or to that extent, but that first one was important. I hope Ashlee "visits" you soon!

Rhonda - I notice myself in your writings, too. I don't know if that's good news for you or not, but it comforts me to know I'm not crazy. Or at least not the only crazy one.

Taking a morning nap..

Susannah/Stephanie's mom