Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Dee----Thanks for the song/words from Annie Lennox. So true....those words.

Sonya---Good seeing Danielle's lovely face. Peace to you, friend.

Leah-----I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Yes, this wild roller coaster we're on can swoop down

and cause such pain that it takes your breath away. Sending thoughts & prayers for your family.

Betty-----Most of the little creatures are a welcome sight, along with the birds. The groundhogs are another

story. They are a burrowing animal, and dig huge holes for their 'dens' all over the fields. They will undermine

the foundations of outbuildings......even houses. We counted 10 large holes in our field. The holes are about

a foot or more in diameter.Since groundhogs have very few natural predators, most of the farmers around here shoot them.

They multiply very quickly. If you have animals in the fields, the holes are a danger because a large animal such as cattle or horses

could easily break a leg by stepping in a hole, and then would have to be destroyed. So.....groundhogs are not a welcome

visitor of nature around farms. The deer, are so mild and don't usually cause many problems. We usually plant enough

that it doesn't matter if they eat a little. They're welcome to all the chestnuts they can eat right now.

PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOES.

Davey&Lisasmom, sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Good words sometimes fall and filter in among the words of grief and sorrow; this is what keeps us going...this is what makes us want to wake up, want to smile again....eventually. And in these weeks preceding the anniversary of the very most pain-filled day of my life, I have a few good words to share---something to hug to my heart and to truly smile about....Ralph's numbers have started going in the right direction again!!!! The creatinine, which was 5.8 after surgery, (normal is 1.0-1.33), and tells how well the blood is being filtered, was down to 3.7, but went up to 4.2 during and following his pneumonia bout. It is down now to 3.16, the lowest since before his surgery! The GFR, which tells how well the kidneys are working (putting out), was at 12 post surgery (15 is kidney failure), and went up to as much as 17 since then, then back down to 14 or 15 (can't remember exactly) post-pneumonia, and is now up to....drum roll here....TWENTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We truly never thought we would see it at 20 again...and it may drop again, for TODAY, for TODAY, they are absolutely fantastic! Thank God! And thank all of you for your support, and your prayers, and most of all, your caring. Thank you, thank you, Thank you.

And in the spirit of smiling and sharing, I would like to share another moment from Mike's last days...I hope you all can bear with me and help carry me through this...somehow I feel the need to run some of these thoughts through my brain again, bringing them up from my heart, processing them, and putting them away again. I have taken this from a journal I wrote during the days immediately following Mike's passing, and I think I may have shared this before; if so, please forgive my faltering mind, but I have been thinking about this for a few days now and just wanted to share the sweetness of it once again.

In that first week that Mike was confined to bed before he died, I was helping his hospice aide bathe and dress him for the morning, when I noticed that Mike started experiencing some pain during this time. To take his mind off of it, I asked him what he would like for breakfast, but he said he had no appetite. I began telling him about how, when I was little and wasn’t feeling well, my dad (who Mike never had the good fortune to meet, but had the distinction of being the only grandson of my dad's who sported my dad's thick, wiry red beard and wore it proudly) used to fix a wonderful, exactly-timed soft-boiled egg with a smidgeon of butter floating in the yolk after the cap of the egg was sliced off with the side of a teaspoon, and serve it to me with toast so lightly browned, only the warm roughness of it between your fingers gave you a clue that it had ever been in a toaster. I described in great detail the care my dad would take in fixing it—it had to be just the right consistency, and it would be served in an egg cup, which was what soft boiled eggs were served in back then. The lightly toasted bread was buttered generously, and cut into small strips so they could be dipped into the egg yolk and eaten slowly. When I finished describing all this to Mike, I asked him if he would like for me to fix one for him, in just the same way. Mike looked at me, with a puzzled look, and said “But, mom, you won’t have time to do all that.” I said “Why, Mike?” And he said, “Because I’m going to be dead soon, mom, remember?” I leaned over and kissed him and left the room, not wanting him to see that I could not control my tears or my sadness. (I must add here, that it wasn't until I took this memory out and ran it through my heart again this time, that I realized that when Mike said that, he was using his dark sense of humor to try to help me yet again, he was trying to help me face this sadness head-on and survive it, just as he had since the very first time he heard the doctor say "this is serious, Mike...this is fatal.")

Mike’s hospice aide, Michael, came out into the kitchen and told me that Mike was upset that I was so sad, and he had said “My mom shouldn’t have to be taking care of me like this. It upsets her too much.” I went in to Mike and took his hand, and leaning closer, I said, “Mike, I WANT to take care of you; I consider it a gift from God that I am able to take care of you. I am so very thankful that He gave me back my strength so that I could take care of you. It is an honor to me to be able to take care of you. I love you so much and I would be a crazy woman if I couldn’t do this for you.”

I then went down to the basement, searching for the long ago stored away egg cup, thinking I would burst when I finally put my hand on it and retrieved it from the box. Feeling as though my dad’s hands were guiding me through the process, I prepared Mike’s "googie egg." Sweet memories of my dad swirled about the kitchen and offered me some comfort as I worked. When it was ready, I slowly fed it to Mike, enjoying HIS enjoyment of this treasure from my own past, and silently thanking my dad for giving me this gift. When Mike had slipped the last piece of buttery, egg-covered toast into his mouth, he licked his lips in pleasure, and then went to sleep, smiling. The pleasure that the memory of this event bring to me, though tinged with the pain I was experiencing at the time, will never fade from my memory nor my heart and will always bring with it a swell of gratitude for the gift of it---the gift of him.

Thank you all, again, for listening, for allowing me to share...just for understanding the need.

Love and peace to each of you, Carol, Mikesmomrs

[summergirl]

BRIAN - ON THIS, YOUR ANGELVERSARY DAY - YOUR WONDERFUL DAD SAID IT ALL IN HIS WORDS TO YOU ON THIS BEAUTIFUL SITE WE ALL SHARE....WHAT MEMORIES HE HAS OF YOU AND I KNOW YOU ARE SMILING....REMEMBERING ALSO....

[summergirl]

AVERY - SWEET, SWEET BOY....SURROUND YOUR FAMILY WITH LOVE AND HUGS TODAY....YOU WILL BE THE BRIGHTEST STAR AND THEY WILL SEE YOU SHINE.....

[Guest msnher]

Such a touching rememorie, Carol. Bittersweet. Thank you for sharing. I will make a gooie egg tomorrow in honor of your memory and love for your son. Not just your love for your son, Carol...your love for all of your family........your husband, your daughter's, Davis....your grandchildren. And, your love for us. I love your heart.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[summergirl]

Carol - your beautiful memories make me smile and hurt for you at the same time.....never stop sharing all of your memories, we need them as much as you need to tell them...

No walk through tonight, we got to busy, but no problem.....will do it this weekend. Our landlady stopped over and told me she is showing the house to someone on Saturday, someone who is interested in buying it as an investment and rent it....she thought that might work out good for us as maybe we could rent from them ... I think NOT.... I told her to please call me before she comes as I would like to be prepared, do not need people walking around my home when ever they want. Oh the greedy people of this world.

Feeling pain today, pain of missing my girl....some days the pain overtakes my whole being and I cannot function....I do everything as though I am in automatic mode, no thought to it, just do it because all I am really doing is thinking of Jessica....I am scared at times that I have forgotten things about her and then all these memories come flooding into my mind and heart and I smile, cry, wish, want, need. What I would give I ask myself and I know the answer but ask it anyway. I love you my sweet daughter and I miss you in a way that only those who walk this journey would understand.......always your mom....

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

I’m thankful your Dad gave you that gift also ..... precious memory!

Brian ...... saying your name ...... remembering you! Greg, your note to Brian broke my heart ..... heartfelt ..... wish I could give him back to you!

Avery .......

I prepared the box of banners to send to Greg today. Something about these banners ...... I can’t explain what they do to my heart.

I was putting the last one in the box and Rich walked in the kitchen. He was bubbly and said, “ I just want you to know I love you. I’m so lucky that you’re my wife. Jason’s so lucky that you’re his ...... “

I just broke into tears. He came over and hugged me and just said, “I caught you at a bad time, didn’t I” He did catch me at a weak moment ..... I was missing Jason and feeling the miss in each of your hearts for your beautiful children.

When I was packing the banners, I noticed that some of Eri’s dreadlocks were coming undone, so I tried to fix them. I noticed the delicate threads Dee used and thought how hard that must have been for her. I imagine memories of brushing her girls hair had to drift through her mind and her fingers must have ached for Eri’s hair ........

One of the numbers on the back of Stephen’s banner had come off. I looked but couldn’t find it so I found letters and replaced them. Betty, I hope you don’t mind. I only had red but they look good with the black and white of the other numbers.

I ironed the purple ribbons used to tie Bethany’s banner to the line. I know Marcia would not want the wrinkles so prominent. “Just be happy”

I made sure all the brads in Brian’s banner were secure. Colleen there is a little moisture on the writing in one picture but it’s still readable. Didn’t notice it before. It's with the picture of him "viewing the world from a completely different angle".

Lynn, for some reason I never notice the “sweetpea” on the arm of Kayla’s banner shirt. How sweet!

I looked at each one and found myself talking to them ... ( old crazy woman that I am )

Brian you have such a sweet smile. Your baby girl has that same smile .....” Who needs wheels when you can have wings?”

Nick, your mom and dad are two of the sweetest people. I thought about adding my “forget me not” butterfly to his banner but didn’t know if that would be met with approval ...... and I want to see those forget me nots! Cousin Aaron by your side ...

Mike, so many memories on one banner. I looked at each and every one. Carol, you really captured the essence of Mike’s life beautifully. I love the Bob Marley quote .....”who are you to judge the life I live?”

Trudi, the look of love as Mike gazed at his infant daughter ...... “there’s just too much that time cannot erase” ..... you did good Mom!

Brian from Delaware ...... both sides exactly alike. Love the stars across the top and the monarch butterfly.

Wesley Dee, what beautiful skin .... and pretty eyes.

Rohan’s favorite camo shirt with the dinosaurs ...... so much love Shelly ....the “One Great Son” button and the big smiley face.

Terri ..... the knitted cap on Adams banner. Such a handsome young man! Each of the beads around his name individually sewn.

Kathy, Tavians little hand prints. Beautiful Jessica!

Goodnight Moon .....

Mary Ann ... Brian’s banner is perfect. You did good! The protective cover is doing it's job. Your love evident.

Richie’s - “The music in our hearts”

Kourtney’s angel wings ..... fluffy ...... perfect!

Our newest banner ..... baby Jeffrey

“too angelic so you couldn’t stay ..... so, the angels swept you away”

David and Lisa K’s banner went home but I have the letter and photo copy of most of the banner in the notebook. “They were the twinkle in the stars of our life” One side for Davey, the other for Lisa K.

The love and the pain just palpable in these “sacred” banners.

I only hope the love touches others as much as it touches me .......

[ericasmom]

Carol, your words, your memories are truly that which allow and encourage empathy, and I do think that perhaps your memoir through the loss of Mike should be written. I do believe that if others read your words as you walk us through the places and times of Mikes last years, they would understand what it is to say goodbye. IT might be just what others may read that could allow them a hint of what we go through when we are made to say goodbye.

Made to say Goodbye...a good title.

Sonya, so good to see your Girl shining out at us. Thanks for your kind words, I am a lucky woman to work with kids, truly lucky. I agree with Sonya Sus, the laughter from your antics. How went the painting today?

Leah, never feel that you are burdening anyone for sharing your life, it is the life you are living and not to be hidden. You have us to share with, we do with you whether it be our saddest story or a happy one, we share. We are made into family by our circumstances and then by our love.

Krichie, good to see you, what is new these days? Kathy, good luck as you get closer to finding your new digs. Holding you Greg and Jan, as you find your way through to the next day.

[ericasmom]

WOW Bonnie, your words here just put me back in my chair, I was getting up to turn off the computer after posting but I saw that you posted at the same time, and I just need to say thank you. Thank you for so tenderly packing the box of our Angel pennants, for tying the dreadlocks of my Girl, for fixing the missing or fallen pieces of felt and yarn for us all. A great and gentle mother padding the nest for the babies. And aren't we made better for having known each other? Indeed.

[nicksdad]

Bonnie..That would of been fine, but hopefully they will grow so you see them.

Last week when we got back from Pinnacle Days of course it was a bit late. We take our small dogs outside all the time. I sort of live in the boonies, few acres

and not many houses around. So when we take the dogs out gives you time to think, look at the stars, etc..Well Mary took them out and was just waiting on them

and then she said she heard Nick's voice say "Mom" as clear as if he was standing right there. She automatically put the dogs in and stood there looking towards

the woods and all around thinking he would come out but knowing of course he would not....She told me and then of course i'm tweaked that I was not out there but I

know if I was then it probably would not happen.

She has heard his voice a few time and dreamt about him as has our daughter. I have done none ....As much as i'd like to, I get pleasure in knowing that they

have, and if that's the way it is and they continue then I can live with them having the dreams and hearing his voice....

Dan

NicksDad

[Guest msnher]

Bonnie - bless you for loving our angels. Although Stephanie's banner is not with them, yet, I know she is...I hope she is...and, I have no doubt you will cherish her banner too. The tears are stuck just below the surface of my eye lids as I read your beautiful note for and to each one.

Kathy - I don't think I congratulated you on the house. A seamstress. Been there, done that. Not to the point of making my own draperies. Draperies? Really? Very impressive! It's been so long I've forgotten how to read a pattern....

Tomorrow is my nephew, James, angelversary. He took his own life 19 years ago. He was 18. He was a marine, stationed in Washington. His father, David and his brother, Davey, died when he was just a few weeks (maybe days) old as his mother stood on the shore, screaming, as she watched the kayak tip over and her 22 yr old husband and two year old son sink to their deaths in the middle of the lake. I was just 14 when they died.

I'm not numb. I am painfully aware of the mocking oxygen makes of life as it pulses through each fiber of my being.

Acceptance? No. Surrender? No. Resignation. It just is.

None of it makes any sense at all. There is no understanding. There is no answer that will suffice. It just is.

Cynical? Faith?

I don't think so..................it just is.

Thank God (or whomever) you are all here to help me walk this path we call life.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom....James' and Davey's aunt....David's sister in law.

[hotrod]

Hello Indigos

Just signed on before going to sleep to check in with a world that I can understand, feel and love.

Bonnie Thank you so very much for taking care of the lost numbers on Stephen's Banner. How very thoughtful and loving of you to cherish these flags and the memories they represent. I rushed this flag because I was afraid I would not get it done on time and I thought those numbers might no hold up Thank you so much for your caring heart Maybe I should redo now that I am a bit more sane

Susannah I hear you and will hold your James, Davey and David in my prayers tonight Yes to me Everything just is and often it is very painful Be gentle with yourself

,

Dee Love your words of endearment to us all . I agree with your message to Bonnie and Carol

"Made to Say Goodbye" Is the perfect title for the book of Carol's journey.

Carol I agree, the depth of your love and loss speak volumes each time you share your heart I am glad Ralph's numbers are up

Sherry thanks for explaining about the groundhogs They are a danger and I hope you succeed in solving the problem So generous of you to enjoying sharing your abundance with the wild life.

Sonya Glad to see Danielle's smile and to hear about how you resolve the Holiday visits and gifts. I too buy the tree. Liked the idea of giving a Christmas ornament with Danielle's picture

Colleen yes, finding something that "Love " cannot fix is unsettling I know Treavor is fortunate to have you in his corner.

Dan I love the new Picture How sweet. I too have heard Stephen say " Mom " loud and clear a few times It is a wonderful experience. The two memorial cards for Brian and Avery were special Thanks

Betsy, Leah, Kritchie, Karen, Rhonda, and all Indigos rest well tonight

[Guest msnher]

A new day. The sun is shining. I was greeted by my son's 9 month old akita this morning as I walked outside. I don't think she's fully grown, yet, but she stands as tall as the table. Akita's "talk" to you. She gives a little bark or a howl when she greets me, laying down her ears and squinting her eyes in affection. I can't help but smile as I return the love she so freely gives. The dark mood I woke to immediately disipates as this beautiful creation expresses her pleasure in my company. I am suddenly aware of the birds calling to each other....a fight breaks out between them as they claim their branch, chasing off the finch that seemed to just want to sit with them.

Gary returned from his morning bike ride. Kissing me and telling me how much he loves me.

Feeling lighter, I check Jonathon's forehead and decide to keep him home from school even though he says he feels better. He was in tears as I carried him to bed last night because he had a headache, sore throat and stuffy nose....slight fever. This morning I pull the covers around his shoulders and softly kiss the forehead that looks so much like his mothers.

Jasmine meets me in the hallway informing she wants to wear different shoes to school today. She also informs me they are dirty and she wants them washed right now. I tell her they are not dirty and to hurry and put her shoes and socks on...tutoring begins in 15 minutes. We live 3 minutes from the school. The glare in her eyes lets me know she is not happy with me as she ties her not dirty shoes on her feet. She likes me again as I put the pony tail in her hair. She takes an extra few seconds to smile, wave and blow kisses to me before she runs for the door of the school. I remember I forgot to have her brush her teeth.

I brush MY teeth while Mariah enjoys an extra hot shower. "Do you know how much I love you, Grandma?" she calls from the shower. "As much as the whole world!" As I type this, she walks into the kitchen quietly to find out if I will object to her choice of clothes for school. She's wearing her "adoption" white dress with a pink jacket. I smile and just say okay but you can't play on the tire swing, slides or bars. She already knows that. I find her a slip, which she calls a "slip up" and then I fix her hair and put a pink rose by her pony tail. "I look beautiful!" She smiles at herself. "Yes, you do." I agree.

In the meantime, my dog, Shelby, sits by the fridge, waiting for me to give her meds and a treat. She loves cheese.

All this by 8am. Yes. There is much sorrow in life...in the world............but, there are many more blessings.

Wishing you all love.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Thinking of you again Dale and Donnalu as today is Avery's birthday. Two days, so different and yet so close to easch other. I am sending you warm thoughts.

Colleen

[westleysmom]

Carol-A big woo-hoo on the numbers for Ralph. You must be doing a good job with the meals and taking care of him. What a lovely memory of getting to share your Daddy with Mike. I loved the picture and the name "ta-da". I'm thinking of you all as the day comes.

Bonnie-Thank you so much for the idea to even do the banners and for taking such special care of them.

Susannah-When I start having a pity party (table for one) I try to remind myself of others, like your sister, who have lost so much more and had more than their share of grief (how much is our share?) and not those who apparently have had none at all. One of the hardest things to accept is that someone who is gone will be forgotten forever, so we "remember" those we never even knew and say their names-James, David and Davey.

Dan-I'm sorry you haven't heard Nick's voice, but like you I'm glad his Mom and Sister have. I hear Westley's voice in my mind and that's all I've had so far. At school, the other kids always called him Bobby Hill because he had a real gravelly voice like that kid on King of the Hill. Of course part of it was allergies that were hard to treat because the meds always made him more sleepy, and then he also smoked when he got older and that made his voice kind of rough too. I close my eyes and I can hear it and it is all I can take.

Kathy- What would we do without our good friend Auto-Pilot? He carries me though most of my days lately, and it sounds like your's too. We are doing the best we can and if Mr AP has to shoulder most of the burden, well then so be it.

Dee-I don't know if you all are better off for knowing me, but I sure feel better knowing you all.

Betsy, Sonya, Leah, Betty, Greg, Krichie, everybody I forgot to name, have a good day if you can and try to stay out of the dark place.

[kmb22]

Edit

[heartbeataway]

Bonnie..That would of been fine, but hopefully they will grow so you see them.

Last week when we got back from Pinnacle Days of course it was a bit late. We take our small dogs outside all the time. I sort of live in the boonies, few acres

and not many houses around. So when we take the dogs out gives you time to think, look at the stars, etc..Well Mary took them out and was just waiting on them

and then she said she heard Nick's voice say "Mom" as clear as if he was standing right there. She automatically put the dogs in and stood there looking towards

the woods and all around thinking he would come out but knowing of course he would not....She told me and then of course i'm tweaked that I was not out there but I

know if I was then it probably would not happen.

She has heard his voice a few time and dreamt about him as has our daughter. I have done none ....As much as i'd like to, I get pleasure in knowing that they

have, and if that's the way it is and they continue then I can live with them having the dreams and hearing his voice....

Dan

NicksDad

Dan,

Rich has had dreams but has not heard his voice. I have had both .....

One night in Texas not too long after Jason left us, I got out of bed and walked to the landing outside of our bedroom door and yelled his name. I was so sure he was there. I surprised myself with that one ...... and climbed back in bed and cried myself to sleep again.

I've had few dreams but they have been so real. I dreamed he was learning to use his new wings. They were "girly" .... he was impatient waiting for his so he was using borrowed wings to learn how to fly. That's how I feel sometimes, like I'm using borrowed wings .......

Another dream, I walked into a room and Jason was there. His smile was so sweet. I was taken back with the "is it really you?" feelings. I walked over and hesitated, He held out his arms and I stepped into his hug. I could feel the warmth of him, feel the stubble on his cheek. I could smell him. He never said a word, just hugged me and patted my back with one hand. It was so real I woke up in tears.

I believe that one day I will think I'm dreaming and it will be real. We will feel, hear, touch and see them again. It's called hope ..... at least for now.

[rlolheiser]

thank you for the well wishes..

Carol, I am so happy to hear that Ralph's numbers are better. I won't quit my prayers.. I am learning the waiting game and my heart is with you, praying for only good things. I loved to hear your egg story.. it is so sweet.. touches my heart.

Bonnie.. wow.. The banners are so treasured.. I wanted to get mine done, but it seems to be on hold. I can't find anybody to help me yet. I haven't had the ambition to do a lot of running to find help, and the places I have checked don't do anything I need. I do want to say, that your amazing with the love you give our angels.. thank you.

Often I try to remember my JaBoa's voice.. I am losing it, the only words I hear are the ones she told me before the accident. I don't want to hear them anymore.. I want to hear the good times.. but nothing comes to me.. I just play back "grandma, don't make mom come get me"... and I lose it.... I am losing it a lot these days. My temper is short.. I told my daughter today to quit accepting phone calls from the boyfriend or she can move. I dont' know if that was a good thing or not... I can't handle listening to her cry and tell him she isn't a whore.. or that she loves him.... It is breaking my heart... I am short with mom.. and the kids... again.. if I couldn't sound off here.. I don't know what I would do.. I sometimes wish I had a friend that I could go have coffee with or cry with. I am getting tired of being strong.. I know it is said that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.. but I am tired of handling.. sorry God..

I know I shouldn't sound off so bad.. I don't want the new people to think life doesn't get any better.. it does.. just sometimes.. it hurts no matter how long it has been.

hugs to all

[mpsmom]

Happy Birthday Avery and Sis

(

I apologize I cannot find sis's name in my notes)

One angel in Heaven One angel on Earth ....

still connected ... always connected

[mikesmomrs]

Leah: I am so very glad that you not only have this place, but feel good about having this place to come to so you can discuss and talk and vent. We are here for you, and I am glad you know that. I hope that your daughter makes the right choice. Sending love and strength to you.

Karen: A huge part of this site is sharing...thank you so much for sharing your son and your stories of music with us. Some of what you wrote touched upon some of our life, as well..."He's My son" is a song that someone gave to me when Mike was going through a difficult time that was particularly hard on us...a hope that stemmed from that song is what helped us to understand at the time that the only thing we could do at that time was to pray and to turn it over to God...which is what we did. It helped, a lot. It was 3-4 or so years later when Mike was diagnosed with cancer. He had already turned from his faith before that and our constant prayer was that he would open his heart to it again. One night on the way home from a ballgame, he talked to me all the way home (almost 2 hours) about how uncertain he was about his faith and he just didn't find any answers. When we got home, we were sitting in the car, and I took out that cd, and played that song for him. I told him of how that had helped me so much when he was having difficult times a few years before...that the faith sung about in that song, and that the literally thousands of prayers being said for him, then and now, all over the world, were what got me though everything, including the days of his illness and what we knew it was going to bring....his eventual leaving us. He didn't say much, just squeezed my hand. A few days later, he came to me and asked if he could have back the silver cross we had given him for his confirmation when he was 15...he had taken it off when he was 18 and I hung it on a wooden cross that we have hanging by our front door. It was still there. He went and got it and put it on. I had learned a long time ago that God always answers prayers, but had only in the previous few years realized that sometimes the answer is "no." This was one of those times when the answer was a resounding YES. I cannot hear that song without melting into tears, but usually they are good, healing tears, though it took a while before I got there.

As for Somewhere Out There, our grandson, Davis, who is now 25, LOVED that movie, at the age of 2-3, and whenever he would watch it, he would just sit in the chair, tears falling down...still, every day when we would get home, that is what he wanted...to watch "my Feivel"---sometimes he would only watch the end part, but he would cry every time, and smile through his tears.

Bonnie: thank you for sharing your dreams...goosebumps came as I read of Jason holding you...so special...bittersweet, but special. And tears fell as I read your post of taking such special care of our angels' banners...In Minnesota, I saw that care in your eyes, felt it in your hug...you are a very special lady.

Kathy: glad that you got the house...enjoy the process...create memories with Tavian...Jess will be right there with all of you.

Sus: I loved your morning...so very special...you are blessed, but you know that. Speaking their names also, James, David, and Davey.

Dan: I love that your wife and daughter have heard Dan's voice...perhaps he just wants them to share it with you, for now. I have heard Mike's voice just once. He just said "mom." I treasure it. I have dreamed only twice, but have had friends tell me of dreaming of him. His dad has dreamed of him---saw him flying around at the hospital, outside the door to the Cancer Treatment Center, where Mike had his treatment. Ralph said he looked very happy and peaceful. We have to believe, don't we...as Greg said, we have to believe.

Dale and Donnalu: These days must be so very difficult for you both...the joy of remembering the happiest day of your lives, coming so soon after trying to move through the saddest...our hearts are with you both. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AVERY...your sweet smile will love forever in the hearts of everyone who knew you. I just read Marcia's post, which she posted while I was writing...thank you Marcia, for reminding us that Avery has a twin sister, also. Happy birthday, SIS...I apologize also for not having her name...but wishes come for a love-filled day. A difficult time, but we are with you all.

Trudi: Hope you are getting settled and things are going okay. Kids this weekend at all?

Cathi and Jamie are coming over tonight, to watch the game with us...There are only three more, including tonight....they are out of the playoffs, but it is kind of nice to watch them play without the pressure of "Needing" to win...winning is nice, but just playing is fun, too. I also got tickets for the final game, on Sunday. She is truly excited. This will be the first year we started the season being at Fenway and ended the season, being at Fenway. I am looking forward to tonight. I know that Mike will be right here with us.

thinking of you all, hoping you all have a peaceful weekend.

love and peace, Carol mikesmomrs

[shorty16]

Hello Indigos

Marcia, So good to see Bethany's face!!! I have missed her

Carol - Watching the "game" with Cathi and Jamie ??? must be baseball, because football is on Sunday. Sorry, Brewers are not very good, and I am a fair weather fan as far as baseball goes.

Leah - We are here for you to sound-off. You are faced with a very difficult situation. Sending you warm thoughts.

Bonnie, Dan - I have not heard Brian's voice or saw him, but I have had words placed into my brain that only Brian would come up with. Smart-butt comments - that was my boy.

Karen - Going through videos - I still cannot do that. Seeing Brian alive and moving is just to much for me. I cry and cry. Glad you have the ability to somewhat enjoy them.

Rhonda - Pity Party - can I come. I really do try to not stay their too long, but sometimes, it is really hard.

Susannah, Betty, Dee, Trudi, Greg, and all the other angel parents - thinking of you always

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Dale and Donalu- , may you feel Avery's love and his peace inside your hearts today and each day. I pray that Avery's birthday will remain a day of celebration as you find your way with these dates so tied together. Blessings.

[briansdad]

My niece had a dream the night before Brian's angel date. She said he was in her closet and told her he wanted to say hi.He then said.. see this it my favorite shirt, She then proceeds to describe Brian's favorite shirt. Go figure! Thanks for all the kind words. Don't worry Bonnie I will take care of the flags.

[ericasmom]

Odd, my coworker had a dream of ERi a month before ERi died and she was in the closet, that in the dream, I had punished her and sent her to her closet. Odd. I had many dreams, 4 in total before Eri died, three of something just about to hurt her but I cold never see what, and the fourth, giving her eulogy at the church. These took place over late April and mid May and Erica was killed in July.

I have had that wonderful visit from ERi in the first week of losing her, where she simply sat in the chair near my bed adn smiled the most lovely smile, I got up to pee and I said oh Eri, you look so pretty , and then she left. I felt visited. Warm and peaceful.

[daveydow1]

Kathy------Oh, I don't blame you for not wanting anyone tramping through your house without

warning that they are coming. Sorry that you are feeling down, and missing sweet Jessica. Peace & prayers, friend.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, AVERY.

Carol-----Such a touching story about Mike's last days, and your taking care of him so lovingly, and telling

him the story of your dear Dad fixing you the soft-boiled egg & toast made just right. Your words sent a

stab of sorrow to my heart. I'm sure it meant so much to Mike to have you.....his own loving mother....taking care

of him, and as you say......you wouldn't have it any other way. Thanks for telling this story here on BI.

Bonnie----Thanks for your kind words about Davey and Lisa's banner. I have it hanging in the living room now.

Thank you for your loving way of handling all the banners, and for Pinnacle Days to gIve honor to dear Jason, and

all of our beloved children.

Dee-----Your dreams of ERi were so touching. I have not had a dream (that I can remember) of Davey for a long time,

and probably decades since having one of Lisa. However, I have had signs that they are nearby....such as the night

the security light just went off......no storm, wind, or lightening....then came back on several minutes later. It has been

lighting perfectly every night since. You are right about we here at BI sharing......happy things, and sometimes not-so-

happy, and blue times. Nowhere else can I find anyone as understanding as the BI family.

Susannah-----Yes,.......no understanding. As you say-----"It just is". Sweet little Mariah.....telling you how much she loves you. Bless her.

Rhonda---- So good that you hear dear West's voice in your mind. I, too, hear David's voice in my mind. We hold onto these

treasured little moments, dont we?

Betty-----Today I found a tiny baby rabbit in the grass out back by the garden......just sitting there. It may be injured, or lost from it's nest....don't

know. I do know that it does no good to try to take care of them.....nature doesn't usually permit us to do that for tiny creatures. So, I picked him

up and placed him near the base of a grove of flowers that my husband had cut down recently. Then I placed dried grass around and over

him (it's getting pretty cold at night)....He could get out at the opening at one end. Then....I picked up lots of the prickly, spiny, hulls from the chestnut trees, and placed them over the grass "house" I made around him., (thinking maybe that the grass would help him keep warmer,

and the hulls might ward off any other predatory animals.)......I will check tomorrow to see how things turn out. I know that I may find him gone, or dead, but .........oh well,.....did all I could do for him. Peace & comfort to you, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

Bonnie - each and every word you wrote about each banner flag touched my heart....I could see you in my mind so lovingly caring for each one...thank you so much my friend........Froggie blanket will be on its way very soon !!!

Leah - sweetie we are here for you and you know that this is the one place you can say whatever you want and we will understand. I am so sorry that you cannot hear "other words" right now....the last words we heard I am sure are very diffacult for some and it breaks my heart for you......you must remember the beautiful times you had with JaBoa, how much she loved you and you her....you are not to blame for her mom picking her up...you know that in your heart but our minds at times deny us the peace we long for. I pray that your daughter makes the right choice - goodness knows what I have been through with my son so I know.... You are welcome to come have a coffee with me anytime, my door is always open....

Love the "dreams".....(except for the ones before Eri - Dee) I have dreamt of Jessica twice only and if that is all I get then I will take it.

Suz - love your "all before 8 am" life....sounds good to me. I do not use patterns....you would be suprised at what you can make out of sheets and cloth table cloths !! I can be very creative when the mood hits me and I have a feeling that once we are moved I will have many "moods". I am excited to finish my "butterfly quilt" I have made for Jessica....it will hang on the wall in my bedroom.

I have to take Tavian to the doctor on Monday...he has been complaing about his feet hurting alot and when he walks you can see it hurts. I don't know what it is from or why so the doctor is the best way to go and then she can lead us from there. I am not worried, ok maybe a little...

Time to say good night....I am reading each post but my memory is not that great...I swear I have to put a post-it-note on top of a post-it-note in order to remember things but first I have to remember where I put the post-it-notes !!! So forgive me if I have not responded to each and everyone.....you are all in my heart and love you much.

Lorri - hope you are having a great time !!!

Trudi - how is the beach house ????

Love, peace and strength, Kathy

[summergirl]

My "98 pounds down" hubby.....he hates having his pic taken but oh well....I am so proud of him....

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone, going to bed in a minute, husband and I went out to two places. Normally we go- well, no place, tonight, two.

fun times.

I have had many great dreams of ERi in the last 7 years, some so wonderful because I could hear her voice, often she is little in them, and I get to hold her hand or pick her up. I have had some that were disturbing and odd as well, but more good ones than bad thankfully.After a good dream the ones that feel like visits, I have so much energy for the day that follows.

It is raining here now, can here it and it is much cooler than the day had been, down in the 40's. Yikes.

Love to all, I am pooped.

Be well

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos

For some reason, I am up early and thought of my indigo friends. Cold today -It is sunny, but only 42 degrees.

Scott and I went on a date last night. Started out rough, because Scott's family in Appleton cannot seem to handle anything on their own, so they call Scott and add more wrinkles and gray hairs to his head. Really makes me mad. Scott's Dad was killed in an auto accident 6 years ago. He and another man co-owned 40 acres in Shawnoo WI (over 300 miles from us). They both died in this same auto accident - now the wives co-own the land. Well, the kids of these 2 families cannot seem to play nice together. One says something to piss the other one off and neither of the Mothers can talk together, so Scott gets involved. There are 9 children between the two Mothers and Scott is the one who has to deal with this - UNREAL.

Thanks for letting me vent. - I feel better.

After I vented that phone call, we had a good time. Went to BW3's (honey-bar-b-q wings), a bar called Brothers and then the Milwaukee Ale House - they only sell the beer they make - pretty cool. There was a band and they were not very good. We wanted to be home by 11 pm. That is when AJ had to be home. We were home at 10:45 and AJ was already home - GOOD BOY

Love to all my friends - Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Bonnie - Thank you for taking such good care of Brian's and all the banners. - A BIG THANK YOU

Colleen

[shorty16]

Sherry

Your baby bunny story reminded me of a great memory I have of Brian. I love all creatures, great and small. I work very hard to instill that respect for nature in my kids. One morning, Brian came into the house (about 13 at the time) and said "Mom, I found some baby bunnies, come look" He lead me to the back of our lot and sure enough, there was this little, itty, bitty bunny. It did not move, so I stroked its back and it hopped like a toddler would walk, all falling over. It was so cute and we both laughed.

Thanks Sherry

Colleen

[hotrod]

GOOD MORNING INDIGOS

DEE AND COLLEEN, SO NICE TO HEAR ABOUT AN EVENING OUT, YOU BOTH EARNED IT

SHERRY, I DO HOPE YOUR LITTLE RABBIT SURVIVED THE NIGHT. YOU REALLY TOOK SUCH BEAUTFUL CARE OF THE SMALL CREATURE. I AM SURE HE WAS SO HAPPY IN HIS SAFE WARM SPOT WITH ENOUGH FOOD TO KEEP HIM FROM WANDERING. MY MOMMY HURT SQUIRREL IS HOLDING HER OWN AND THE BABIESA RE RUNNING AROUND FINGHTING AND STEALING EACH OTHER NUTS WHEN I FEED THEM. WINTER IS FAST APPROACHING AND THEY ARE BUSY.

I LOVE HEARING ABOUT ALL THE DREAMS AND VISITS FROM YOUR ANGELS IT GIVES ME HOPE. I NEVER DREAM, OR IF I DO I NEVER REMEMBER. THE ONE TIME I HEARD STEPHEN'S VOICE AND SAW HIM WERE VERY POWERFUL. I HOLD VERY DEEEPLY TO BONNIE'S BELIEF AND THOUGHT THAT ONE DAY IT WILL NOT BE A DREAM BUT A REALITY THAT IS MY HOPE AND PRAYER.

BETSY, TRUDI, SONYA, LEAH, CAROL, RHONDA, KRITCHIEMOM, KAREN AND ALL INDIGOS I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL SATURDAY

[kmb22]

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[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

I love hearing about the dreams and hearing our angels, too. Also love the bunny stories. Hope yours is doing well, Sherry. `

I've had two dreams that I think were visits or messages....both occuring the first month after her death. I've never seen her or heard her voice. I hear her voice inside my head, but I that's me, not her. I haven't felt her for a long time. I wish she would send me a bird again. I've told the story before, but will tell it again for those that are new.

I thought it was the night Stephanie died, but my son said it was a day or two later because he went fishing the night Stephanie died....that's how he gets close to God and works out emotional "stuff"....by the water, by himself at night.

Anyway, it was around midnight and my son, his wife, my oldest daughter and I were sitting under the "redneck patio" smoking. The redneck patio was a garage which we removed three sides and put lattice on the one remaining wall and ceiling. I'm sitting in a high back lawn chair. All of a sudden a wild bird flies under the roof and in between my neck and the high back lawn chair to get to my right shoulder and lands there. I'm sure I traumatized the bird because it freaked me out...............feeling it's wings on my cheek and it's chirp so close to my ears. My son and daughter just stared, saying, "There's a bird on your shoulder!"

There were a couple more incidents with birds, including two owls and a drawing by then 6 yr old Jasmine, but nothing since.

Aside from hearing from a couple of your angels....there has been nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero.

There was an "orb" in a picture I took on Christmas............but, I'm not sure it wasn't just a dust particle on the lens.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

I agree with you, Karen. They must be where they are needed most. I also think they are near us always, but our "receptors" are somehow blocked.

A few days after Stephanie died, we were all at the mortuary making funeral arrangements. We were able to spend some time with Stephanie's body. Everyone was feeling their own grief and openly sobbing. I didn't cry. I stood over her, touching her...willing myself to be with her. I had this feeling if I laid on top of her my body would melt into hers. Instead of climbing on top of my daughter's body, and shocking everyone, I settled for giving her a bear hug. No words. No tears. Just will. Right at that moment my phone began to ring. Gary quickly hit silence and it rang three more times. It turns out three separate friends, from different "friend circles" had an intense feeling that I wasn't okay. Each calling to check on me.

I took that as a sign.

There was the time, 5 days after Steph died, I was making my bed.....the house was full of people. My bedroom and bathroom were the only places of solitude in the house. Odd, because I NEEDED solitude but I also NEEDED everyone here, with me. Anyway, as I was making my bed I had this conversation with God....I suppose it was prayer........I always talk to God, but it isn't always respectful. "You took her!" I kept accusing. my message was that I had loved him, served him and trusted him and he took her. Utter betrayal. I began to whisper yell, so others wouldn't hear me.. pointing my finger and looking nowhere, "I want her back right now! Do you hear me!? You give my daughter back to me right now!"

The response wasn't harsh. It was loving and compassionate, but it cut like a knife.........."she was never yours."

I crumbled into a heap of pain between my bed and the wall.....sobbing into a pillow. My sister, Arlene, who lost a husband and two sons, had come to check on me....she sat there, rubbing my back, saying "I know Sis."

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang,

I love that you made a shelter for the bunny Sherry, love the outer covering used to deter predators, but alas, it is true, nature takes a course that feeds one, takes another. The life-cycle of plants adn animals is an amazing sequence of events. I am amazed each day at the miracles right out everyone's windows. There the leaves are turning colors, but as I teach my students, those colors are theri real colors, the greeen is the color of chlorophyl that they made with sunlight and water, so now, they unmask and we see who they really were born to be. We keep a sunrise and sunset chart on the blackboard each week, recording the time of each for the week so that we can see the change in seasons with the sunlight. The lightbulbs went off yesterday when I pointed to the chart and said, so now the trees have less sunlight so that they can' t continue making their food and staying green. The little faces of third graders grasping a concept is amazingly delightful for my heart. I will tell them your bunny story, they will appreciate it. We have raccoons that dig up our whole yard in search of grubs, and there are days that the whole lawn looks like bad sod simply thrown hither and yon. Frustrating to be sure.

Bonnie, love the way you put that thought of one day it won't be a dream, it will be Jason and you will be with him.

Leah, hang on Sister, give yourself a break while you are hanging on, it seems like any one of us would also be short with the others in the family that are needing more of you. How much 'you' can you pass around? Be kind to JaBoa's Grandma, she loves you.

There were many long periods where I did not feel Eri close by and at first, I felt sad by it but have also always believed that her spirit is flying about to those she needed to be near. She has so many close friends and cousins that she was/is connected to that she could not just hang with me. She knows my heart is filled with her and that I believe that she is better than fine.

That is the line that 3 or 4 friends of her heard her say in a common dream in the same week as one another in different parts of the world. They emailed me to let me know, first Julie in Michigan, then Louissa in Colorado, then Caitlin in Montana...independent of each other, no knowledge that the other had that dream...a crowded place for each, party for one, concert for another...there in the noise was Eri's loud laugh adn her waving that she would be right over as she visited with everyone she met. Finally getting over to the host of the dreams saying, " I can't stay long, just here to let you know that I am better than fine, it is all good, better than good."

That same week, Ceicily was living in San Diego and she wrote to tell me that she got up in the night from a noise and followed the sound to the bathroom where a photo of she and Eri on a shelf had fallen to the floor. Not broken but staring up at her smiling. She was busy visiting her buddies all away at different colleges letting them know, letting them know that she will always be with them.

My busy little Girl, I miss her, but she is everpresent somewhere.

[ericasmom]

Where is everyone today? I hope out having fun and enjoying this autumn day.

dee

[shorty16]

I am watching Wisconsin get kicked by Michigan State. - I am sad.

Colleen

[daveydow1]

Colleen-----So good to hear that you have instilled a love of nature/animals in your dear children. I'm thinking that Brian

had a soft heart for animals.

Susannah---Thanks for your story about the bird on your shoulder when you were sitting on the patio. That had to be a

sign from Stephanie.....birds don't usually land on people's shoulders, I don't think......do they?? Steph was nearby

that day......sending you her love.

Karen------Thanks for your words, friend.

Dee-------I went out to check the little shelter that I made for the baby bunny, and the bunny was gone. I inspected the

shelter, and not one little piece of grass or the spiney prickly chestnut hulls was out of place. There was no pieces of

fur or blood, or anything to indicate that there had been a predator invading the bunny's little shelter. I like to think

that he possibly stayed there the night, and found his way back to the mother and nest early in the a.m. There could

possibly be a rabbit burrow under the nearby grape arbor where there is deep grass and brambles. I hope he survived.

Thanks for telling your class about the bunny. The chart that you have on the blackboard about the times of the rising

and setting sun is great for the kids to learn. I agree......nature is just outside the window.....no matter where one lives.

Changing weather, leaves, sky, etc. Tonight....about 5:30 p.m. we were having supper, and looked out our dining area

window to see 5 deer....( all does) out there grazing on the fallen chestnuts. They were so close. A little later, I looked

out the kitchen sink window, and they were all gone.....back to the woods. Oh----raccoons can be a real nuisance in lots

of ways. Digging up your yard looking for grubs....what a mess. Hmmmm. Can't think what to do about that. Probably

apply milky spore to the lawn to deter growth of grubs.....but I'm not sure.

HAVE A PEACEFUL EVENING AND GOOD NIGHT'S REST EVERYONE.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[rlolheiser]

Hi to everybody, thanks again.. your all great!

Not much time in here, I have the 3 rugrats at my feet, we have been working hard on magic tricks.. at least the 8 and 7 year old. My little guy bought a magic kit with his birthday money, he is trying really hard. I worked with him for awhile today, but my patience ran out. I told him we will continue tomorrow.

My daughter is trying, she told me she is done with the BF but I have heard that before. She told me she isn't answering the phone when he calls, she said she is working on the courage to call the police, but so far can't. At least she is being honest with me. I am trying to be kind to her. it is hard, October is such a frustrating month. I know she is going through hell herself, and I know I am adding to it, but I can't let my guard down. I told her if my rules are to strict, she can move, I won't stop her.. but she isn't ready to leave me. Sometimes I wish she was, but I will help her through this month. I know she still blames herself for the accident too. Trouble is, I do sometimes also, and it is so hard not to tell her at times. Today she asked me to take her to work, she wasn't doing to well. She seems to be crying whenever I am not. she looked at me today and told me that she remembers JaBoa's last words to her was "I'll miss you mom"... She had never told me this before..and it makes me believe even more that my little girl knew she was going to leave us.. the night before the months before.. always telling people she would never see the age of 11. Weather permitting, we will go to her gravesite and have a small memorial on the 30th. Strange.. four years.. and sometimes I feel like it is still a dream and I am due to wake up.. I don't think it is happening.

Dee, I know I am spread to thin... but there really isn't a choice. I just don't have anybody I can depend on. I am so happy to hear of Eri being present for so many lives. I think JaBoa is also, just that I have done what I was supposed to do. I got her sister out of a mess, I know she was speaking to me. I have a little necklace that hangs on my car mirror. It is hard to take it off.. but she was throwing that thing at me. I know she was making me listen to help her sister.

Karen, thank you for your words, thanks too for sharing your stories. Our angels are so very important to us, a part of us.

Carol, thanks for caring, you have so much on your plate.. yet always find time for kindness to us. I need to take lessons.

Betty, I love watching squirels, around here though the dogs scare everything away. I love watching the bunnies in the morning.. but as soon as the dogs wake up they are in hiding.

Kathy.. I would love to stop and have coffee... wish i wasn't in the middle of nowhere :-) thank you for your kindness.Congratulations to your husband.. that is great weight loss. I am plateued at 70 lbs.. I hope to get it back going again soon.

Rhonda.. I guess I am in the middle of my pity party.. I try not to get there.. it is hard sometimes... :-) I guess it happens most when I am run down.. and feel sorry for me.. but I do know there are people out there that have it so much worse than I do.. I think our down times and bringing them out.. help us to get through them..

Anyway.. I guess I better get off this... the kids just keep looking at me and asking me what is wrong... they know I am a basket case :-).. gotta love them.. gotta love you all too.. thanks to you all for listening..

[mysonrich]

Greg and Brians Mom and Avery's mom and dad..sorry I missed your angelversarys.

I am the watcher at the gates of dawn

where there is no eve, no noon, or morn.

I do not think, but float and stare;

and of all things I am aware.

I am the final judge of time,

and all that moved once, is now mine;

for all is still; 'tis only me

that permeates this wondrous sea.

I am the final perfect thing,

brought forth, the final song to sing.

From whence I came, and whither I go,

even I can never know;

for I am not the light you see,

but only that which falls on me.

Each light within this wondrous dome

unto itself, and each alone,

with a truth that all do see;

but only known by the thing called 'me'.

I am remembrance of the great;

and knowledge of the final state;

and when I judge it so well done;

I am the reflection... of whence I come.

By: Dick Richardson

[mysonrich]

hello Indigo's, this is not my computer. This is the one that is currently working. I think we had a surge which should have protected the PC's, but I had to use a little elbow grease. I have to fix mine next and the repair disk is packed, in the garage, probably the box on the bottom. Tomorrow. -

I'll catch up on your posts in a moment. Very emotional the past couple of days. My heart aches for the parents,family,friends of the young man that jumped from the George Washington bridge. The tragedy just makes me sick and I also feel for the 2 students that probably destroyed their futures, because they did something really stupid. Kids. They are all just kids.

Missing my boy . A mention of Thanksgiving just yesterday and I thought first of my mom. oh yeah, I.m mot going to see her. And my boy, gone almost 2 years and I find trouble still in praying to God. The questions just won't form.

So I have decided to take a queue from Colleen. Not California but I will go away this Thanksgiving.

So, I will go back and read now. Hope to be back online with my computer tomorrow.

Peace

[summergirl]

Ever Present Somewhere - I love that Dee. I love that Eri is busy letting everyone know she is better than good and traveling all areas around this world...

I had a busy day and now my allergies are hitting me hard time. Cleaned the house BIG TIME...as Barry and Tavian went to Barry's mom's to cut trees, clear bushes etc... I went there around noon and Tavian was cleaning away and enjoying himself so much. Then took Tavian to a birthday party at 2 and went back to Barry's mom's and spent the next 3 hours helping Barry. Back tomorrow to finish up. It was nice though, working together and seeing his mom happy. But, working with all the different bushes is not good for allergies. YUK

Suz - 70 pounds is amazing....good for you....

To all...have a wonderful night, sleep well and dream big....lots of love, Kathy

[westleysmom]

Colleen-You think you got it bad? Did you see what happened to UT at LSU? they had it won and turned out there was so much confusion they had too many guys on the field and they let LSU try again and they won by 2! Heartbreaker.

Leah-You did great losing so much and you'll get back to losing when things settle down. I'm sorry this month will be so hard for you and your family. But you're right, it does help to share our down times.

Dee-We went to an auction today, a house. If Westley were alive, we might have bought it for him, and I've been very sad today. My husband said he always tries to fit Westley into our lives, and then remembers he's not there. It's so hard. We were going to help him get a place to live.I watched an old Reese Witherspoon movie from 1991 called The Man in the Moon. Has anybody ever seen it? I'd seen it before, its really sad. I won't tell you much about it, but if you haven't seen it, try to catch it sometime.

Kathy-Get some Zyrtec or something and rest. It sounds like you'll be sore tomorrow.

Betsy-Thank you for the beautiful poem.. I hate computer trouble. Good luck with it.

It's finally turning cool here, but we had a beautiful day too. Sweet dreams of all our angels

[ericasmom]

Leah, seventy pounds is a great accomplishment, so congrats on that. I know that October spins you around just as the months that our Babies left spin each of us. I hope you know that your words are not a pitty party to me, they are quite honestly, your ache coming out into the light of day adn that is a good thing. Bottled up ache is too caustic. I pray that your Daughter will be able to let go of the abusive man in her life and stay clear of any more. I pray that you sleep deeply and wake feeling loved and appreciated.

Kath, my allergies are really bad today too, a lot of wind and blowing pollen and mold on the leaves as they change. I went leaf hunting today for our leaf project at school. SO many kinds of trees with beautiful colors and shapes. Sweet Gum, Oaks of many variety, many variety of maples , poplar, tulip trees, birch, ash and elms, sycamores and chestnut...love them all. I am glad that you and Barry had a nice time working together today, that kind of united feeling is really golden. Tell Barry that we are very impressed with his weight loss, looking good. Give Tavian a hug too.

Betsy, I love that poem you posted, it is gorgeous. I am sorry for your blues and happy for your decision to go away for Thanksgiving. My Son is going to do that too which I think is healthy for he and his Girl. I too have been very blue about the young man who was bullied in so heinous a way that he jumped lastweek. I cried when I heard it and have cried each day as new details come forward. The kids that thought that they were pranking him and not hurting? How? How do you think that invading a young man's sex life is okay? How would they think that putting this tender act of a young man's private life out there for all to judge was okay? Goodness knows that growing up is hard enough but to find your footing your first year in college, balancing so many emotions and time restraints and trying to grow up and finding who you are sexually...I just don't understand how these two did not get that this could destroy the young man. No empathy is what I see, and it is also what allows so much bullying. Kids are not being taught to be empathetic and caring people. Now three families are destroyed by this terrible crime, and countless friends.

Sherry, I am glad that there was no fur or blood around. Funny you mentioned milky white spore. We spread it last year and my husband said it would not work. I said to give it time, that over time it is supposed to increase in its effectiveness. We shall see. Are the colors gorgeous this fall? Yes the chart on the board is a weekly job of one of my students, a new student each week. I have sunrise and sunset for chicago bookmarked on the class computer so that the student that week goes to it and finds the information adn puts it on the board. By Friday we count the minutes of sunlight lost or gained. This week, Mon-Fri, we lost 12 minutes of sunlight.

It is aobut 43 degrees right now and raining. I am walking in the morning along the lakefront with my Son and thousands of others to shed light on Juvenile Diabetes. We will dress in layers as it will warm up some as we walk. It is a 5K so not very long but what a pretty local.

[ericasmom]

Morning All,

a dark gray cloudy day with chimney smoke from my neighbors home rising in the cold air.

Love to you each.

[Guest msnher]

Gosh Indigo's this is day two of trying to respond to each of you and having my mind go blank in the middle of writing. I keep going back and deleting because I don't like what I've written or it sounds stupid or fake. Yes. It sounds fake. It isn't....fake........it just reads as if I'm trying too hard to pull the words out of my head so each of you will know how important you are to me and you will know I've read what you've written. So.........I'm just writing this morning, and allowing the words to exit my fingertips freely.

I, too, am heartbroken over the two deaths this last week. The college boy and I believe the other boy was 11 or 13. Both gay. Both bullied. Yes. We have to teach our children to be kinder to each other. And, we have to teach our children to have confidence in themselves and be true to who they are. What those "friends" did was wrong. Dead wrong. Obviously. But, suicide is not the answer. We have to teach our children that when they don't feel like they can turn to anyone else they can turn to us.....and, somehow.........we have to teach them to turn to the strength inside themselves. This world can be quite cruel. As we know all too well. And, we are obligated and responsible to make it kinder........but, that isn't always going to happen. We have to give our children the tools to deal with this kind of thing when it does happen. We have to. We must. There are too many resources out there for children to be taking their own lives because they feel different. We have to teach our children to take advantage of those resources if they don't feel they can turn to us. If there is not another human being to turn to and they feel like all are against them we have to teach them to look inside and know that "this, too, shall pass". We have to teach them to stand tall...look people in the eye... Oh God..........we have to teach them to love themselves!!! I blame religion. All religion. Period. I blame religion (mostly Christianity and Muslims) for the wars and intolerance in the world. I blame religion for the way women and children are treated. I blame religion for people's ascewed beliefs and fears in a Creator that is pure love. I blame religion for the greed, abuse and strict dogma that is used to beat their people into submission. Damn!!! Damn!!! Damn!!!

I blame religion for giving God all the credit when things go right and blaming the devil when things go wrong. Human beings never taking responsibility for themselves. Hitler could have never succeeded without the people who followed his orders. Or the people who sat quietly by. Not likeing what he was doing but not saying anything either. We have pastors, bishops and priests molesting children and exploiting women and getting rich off of their congregation. Damn! QUIT PUTTING MONEY IN THE PLATE FOR ONE MONTH AND WATCH THINGS CHANGE IMMEDIATELY!! Women are mutilated and girls sold into slavery just across the water from us because they are not viewed as real people. DAMN!!

Today..........all across this world, people will go to their different religions and "worship" a God they think only they understand and know. The rest of the world has it wrong. They will raise their hands to a Jesus they think is sending everyone else to hell for not believing in Him. WTF!? They will "save" souls from sin. They will baptize and pray. They will lay hands on to cast out the demon of homosexuality. A sin of lust. A choice they (homosexuals) made to choose Satan instead of God. A choice? Really?

I'm pissed! I've already said too much. What's that pastor's name that puts on demonstrations at funerals? How is it that anyone follows him? We can teach our children to be kind. We must. But, we have to teach them how to stand up when they one into one of those kind of people.........the one's who thinks homosexuality is a choice of will and a sin....the ones who think if we believe differently than they we are damned to hell. We have to teach them to be tolerant and pity the intolerant.

I'm not there, yet. I want to kick some ass! Personal strength and confidence.........

Enough said.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

I am intolerant of the intolerant. It's the same color. It's like bombing an abortion clinic to express one's hatred for abortion. I'm as wrong as they are. We can't force peace. Forcing peace is still war. We must lay down our weapons. I have to start "with the man in the mirror".

Thanks for letting me vent. You guys get it all. My grief, my anger, my love, my joy, my miracles, my faith or lack thereof. This is the place it all comes out. It's not always pretty....

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Susannah I hear you The cruelty and lack of compassion in our world is epidemic. I too am upset and believe that I must redouble my efforts at kindness. Free will is a killer. Turning to God and trusting that life will work out according to HIS plan, which I do not understand is very hard. I pray that the parents receive peace and courage to handle this.

Betsy Wonderful poem, Dark, mysterious, sad,and beautiful just like life. I hope you recover your computer today I know how difficult it is to be without. I too have gone away for the Holidays and it works well Think Atlantic City It is festive. different . food is reasonable and there is a Holiday feel without the family atmosphere.

Sherry I am so glad that the little home your prepared for the tiny creature was undisturbed and hopefully he did return to his protected nest. We had the "Blessing of the Animals" yesterday at Church. I did wish I could have caught my little squirrel but he was there in spirit. It was beautiful so see all the little cats, dogs, snakes fish birds and hamsters in church being blessed and then to have coffee after., Nice afternoon

Dee I love how you describe the look on your class's face when they comprehend an idea How special you are!!!

Leah and Barry, that weight loss is so impressive I have tried to lose 10 pounds for over a year and the best I have done is 5. Since I stopped smoking I do not think I eat more but the pounds will not budge. I ate up a storm on my trip but did not gain Hard to figure.

Leah I know how hard this month is and how difficult it is to respond positively to all the forces in your home Please keep coming here and sharing.

Colleen and Rhonda I am a Professional football fan and have been so disappointed by my team the Giants this year. Looking forward to the game with he Bears tonight Hope springs eternal!!

Carol, and Trudie Thinking of you Hope Mutley is enjoying his wonderful new summer retreat ant that Ralph's number continue in the right dirrection.

Sonya, Marcia, Karen, Kritchie mom and all Indigos have a peaceful day

[kmb22]

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