Loss of an Adult Child

[hotrod]

Hello Indigos

Dee I agree with Sherry and Bonnie. Your love for Jon and your sadness because of his loss is palpable . I felt something very similar for Stephen after his Dad died and I was powerless to stop the pain Praying for your and your precious son's peace.

Greg Thanks for the music It was beautiful

Sherry you are such a beautiful person I understand your desire to work your projects, enjoy your garden , and the lovely critters all around . I think I have no patience for the outside world because they seem so foolish. They make problems out of nothing and are crazy over nonsense. I cannot relate to their created drama When your world falls down around you nothing else could possibly matter.

Susannah I understand exactly what you are experiencing Not being able to recall all the details of that horrible day when for months that is all we thought about!! All I can remember is late the night before Stephen calling me and asking for cold water. I brought it to his room we smiled at each other I said I was tired as was he and I left. The next AM he was gone I remember running to a neighbor and calling 911 that is it until the late afternoon . I think my God is sure that is all I can handle any more!!

Karen I am glad you are here and sharing It really helps I know your son will take time but you need to feel connected with others who are walking this desperate road with you I love the picture of Shawn He looks as if he is full of life.

Leah I am so sorry for all the problems you are managing. So glad you had a Birthday party for your little guy I am sure JaBoa was there as well. Please try to rest as best you can You are in my prayers.

Rhonda Hope your hubby has returned and you are ok

Betsy I am still smiling about the form you filled out and the stories it prompted from all the Indigos I think my most memorable mis step was the day of my wedding . I was dressed and smoking in the house.when my sister ran into the room and announced the limo was here. She tossed my veil over my head and said Lets Go. The cig started a small fire on the veil and by the time I got it out I had a huge hole in my Veil

I had to walk down the aisle with the hole in the veil as it was too late to fix it. !! Funny now but not Funny Then!!! She was lucky to be alive

Trudie, Carol, Marcia, Colleen and all Indigos praying for your peace

[heartbeataway]

Rhonda------I so know what you mean about thinking that you had a deal with God not to

take your children. After we lost little Lisa, we thought (at least subconsiously) that we

would not go through it again, but then Davey was killed years later. Yes, we do seem to

carry guilt with us because we always feel responsible for our children, no matter their age.

It's something each of us seem to wrestle with. I wish I knew something to say about that...

something that would make sense, but I am not that adept with the words and knowledge.

As far as stupid things people say..........I can't think of a good explaination for it either.

As people say....."they mean well", and most of them do, I guess. Others are just stupid

and clueless. I keep to myself a lot anymore. Can't seem to deal with all that, so they get

a break from my grief, and they are probably relieved. I keep very busy with all my projects,

reading, and gardening etc., and of course....coming on to the BI site where I have friends who

understand. I know this way is not for everyone, (keeping to oneself) and I'm not suggesting

that anyone adopt my method, but for me.....it works. Peace to you, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

The night before Jay died ..... the last thing I did before I fell asleep was pray that Jason would be safe and protected during his camping weekend.

And then the first thought I had when I woke was him ....... later finding out that it was around the time of his death.

So ........ is prayer like a roulette wheel? or pin the tail on the donkey? buying a grab bag, never knowing what you're going to get? I don't know but I continue to "pray" in my own way. I do believe in miracles and angels ..... and I wish I had called him when I woke. Maybe his friends would have discovered him sooner and he could have been revived.

Just wasn't meant to be ....

Rich was invited to play poker over the weekend. Mutual friends, a couple we've known for years. I wasn't invited. I had a project so didn't think too much about it. When rich arrived, she asked about me and he said I was fine. She commented that I sound upset on FB. And then today I got an email about how tired she was and that she wouldn't be good company if I had come. Things that make you go hmmmmm ..........

[briansdad]

six years ago this was just a song now it touches my very soul. I'll meet you there son.

[ericasmom]

Betty, I am glad that you have that smile with Stephen, that loving smile before saying goodnight. It is the best part to remember.

Bonnie, did the woman not invite you mistakenly or did she do it purposefully? I am slow sometimes. I too pray all the time, but I love your line about whether it is like a roulette wheel, a grab bag?

Sherry, how true thinking we surely cannot go through anything like this again...I am so sorry that you adn your Husband had to deal with such pain two times. Achingly hard. HOw is autumn coming on for you? Have you seen many migrating birds flying south?

Rhonda, I don't think it can be wrong to depend on another as you do right now. You felt alone and lonely but I don't think you always will when your Hubby leaves, I think that eventually, you will have a sense of your well-being again, and you may be able to fill that time differently. BUt if you don't that is okay too. We are like snowflakes Rhonda, each of us cut a bit differently, all of us falling from the same heavens.

Thanks for your thoughts on Jon. I don't mean to whine, it is just that I can't fix any of it. He would hate that I brought his story here, but there are times that I just worry so much about him because of his grief experience. He has a lovely girlfriend, he has so many good friends, but he harbors the fears and anxiety that keeps him up night after night. He is such a fine young man. May he one day soon, feel that he can let go of the guilt. Yes, the train adn the township are the ones at fault, but big brother feels had he never invited her to live there, she would be alive. We told him that she spent th ebest yar of her life there, the most fun adn memorable. Anyhow, thanks Guys.

[summergirl]

Oh Greg - thinking of you......

Just got home from the "suprise anniversary party and I had a few cocktails so I am goin got talk to all of you tomorrow.....it was better then I thought it would be.....

Thanks for the prayers on the house....should know for certain in a day or so....

My sweet sweet Jessica....today I thought much about how many people have said to me "at least you have Tavian" as though losing you was ok because you left your son behind,,,,,when will they understand that Tavian cannot replace you...oh he is so much like you in so many ways but he also has his own personality.....Yes, we are so blessed to have this wonderful child that you brought into this world and each morning when I wake and say good morning to him and each night when I tuck him into bed and say good night to him my eyes fill with tears...for the blessing of him, for the love I have for him but also for the heartache that we are the ones who are doing what you should be doing....so I wipe the tears away as I know that you are the one who is guiding us to do all that you would have done. I know that you are proud of him, of us.....so I ignore the ignorant people of this world who I pray never walk this journy...thank you my daughter, my best friend for all that you tought me and continue to teach me....I miss you, I love you and I so wish you were her right now so I could hold you in my arms...just one more time even though it would never be enough...your mom always.....

[heartbeataway]

Touching song Greg ......

Dee,

I wasn't invited ....... didn't realize it or think about it until today ..... it doesn't matter .......

[mikesmomrs]

Wow, it's amazing how some days there are just a few posts, and some days, there are many more...

First, I say welcome to the new people here...you have found a place where you will find help and support in your grief...I wish so much that you never had to be here, but this is definitely the place to be if you are grieving.

Karen: your son, Shawn, sounds wonderful...I hope you feel you can share more of him when you can. I am sorry about your son Mark, and pray that things will smooth out for him, that he will reach out and find the way that is meant for him. I know the helplessness you feel in wanting to help him find that path, I go through the same thing with my 25 year old grandson...he is isolated now, as well, TV and video games and work are all that occupy his time and I fear where this may lead.

Scherry: Thank you for sharing your How to Help the Bereaved 101...it's too bad that it couldn't be mandatory reading for everyone who attends the services of a child who has left this world too soon, and even those who don't attend.

Leah: I am glad that the boyfriend has exposed his behavior unwittingly to the police and hopefully this will encourage them to keep a closer eye on him...I am so sorry that you have to live in fear like that, and I pray all will turn out well. I am glad that you were able to have the party for your little guy, and now you must find some time, somewhere, to rest, just for you!

As for the guilt we feel about our children and what we could/should have done...well, I wonder if that will ever completely go away...even now, there are times when thoughts just haunt me and sometimes I still do find myself wondering what else I could have done to make things easier for Mike. I know that there was no way I "caused" him to have brain cancer, and yet my heart aches that I couldn't stop it. Many times, even still, I ask, why not me...why him? As for prayer, I have always believed that I wasn't "promised a rose garden" and most of what I pray for is that I will be given the strength to do what needs to be done, to "get through" what comes my way. I have related the story of my knowing that I would outlive Mike...I knew it from the day he entered kindergarten on Guam, in August of 1980 I don't know how I knew, and I didn't know when it would come about, I just knew, and I remember at that moment of my knowing, I said to God "I don't know what or why this is happening, [these thoughts and this "affirmation" of what was to come], but I know that when the time comes, You will need to help me with this one, big time." And, I believe that He did...else I would never had had the strength to wake up the next day after Mike died, nor the next, nor the next, nor would I have ever found BI, or any of the other ways in which I have managed to cope with this pain...no matter how seriously intense or blessedly soft it has been, and it has been both, many, many times, as you all know yourselves. We all have our own ideas, our own beliefs, our own faith, but "praying" for each other, in our own way, sends out a strong message to each other that we are truly here for each other, always.

Rhonda: I am glad that your hubby is back and I hope that you will get to spend some time together. "You know when people worry about stupid **** that doesn't mean a hill of beans? And you want to say, well, guess what, I'll never see my child again, so I don't care about your stupid ****. That kind of anger has been my constant companion lately. I think we all feel this, as well, at different times throughout our journey.

Bonnie: I am so glad that you and Jay were in the habit of telling each other that you loved each other...

Sherry: I too prefer to keep to myself...aside from my family, and coming here to BI, I don't socialize much. It's funny, I used to like to talk on the phone, but now it is truly a chore. I think it was Dee said one time...our lives changed drastically when we gave birth to our child, why wouldn't it change when we lose them?

Colleen: How is Trevor doing? How was your "mental health day?"

Kathy: Thanks for keeping us posted about the house... I love your sweet words to Jess.

Betty, I am so glad also that you have the memory of that sweet smile passing between you and Stephen... I too have the memory of a smile between Mike and myself, though it was a few days before he passed. The day he passed, he was not able to communicate, though I know he was hearing us. Two of his friends were taking turns reading from the Bible, by his bed, and at one particular passage, as it was read, Mike opened his eyes, looked at both of them, smiled as he nodded his head, and closed his eyes again.

Sus: Your writing of your feelings before and now..not being able to remember...I think it's the defense mechanisms we all have threaded throughout our wounded hearts...kind of like when one of our senses kicks in at a higher gear when one of the others is diminished somehow...our hearts are aching more than usual, so the memory banks close some of their doors. I have had the hardest time all week because I can't remember Mike's laugh...he rarely laughed out loud...usually it was just a sardonic smile, but he loved Spongebob and Animaniacs and Monty Python, and a few other dark comedy movies/shows, and usually those would bring an out-loud laugh...I so wish I had it on tape.

Hubby goes for lab work tomorrow and Thurs we will get the results. I hope that his numbers are going in the right direction again..meantime we just pray and wait.

Today, Wednesday, the 29th is another of those "this was the day that we...." days...the 29th of September is the date of the last ballgame that Mike and I attended together...we had season tickets given to Mike by my friend, Rita...her BIL has season tix and she got some for Mike's birthday present. The seats were three rows back from the field. I remember when we got to our seats and he got out of his wheelchair, he could not "side step" to get into his seat. A couple of guys behind us very sweetly reached down to help him to move over, and got him into his seat. That is the night that I knew the end was close, as when we stopped in a restaurant on the way home, a Chinese restaurant that he really liked, he was spending such a very long time eating his soup that I finally said "Mike, why don't we take the rest of the soup home so that you can have some of the dinner before it gets cold?" His answer was "What are you talking about, Mom? I already ate some of the dinner, I'm just finishing up some more of the soup." He actually had not had any of the dinner, it was all still sitting there, just as when it came to the table. I didn't say anything, just smiled, and said I was glad he was enjoying it. The drive home was truly difficult...I had to hold my voice steady while my heart was disintegrating. His dad came out to help me bring him into the house. As I put Mike to bed, I lay down beside him for a minute and put my head on his chest. He leaned over and kissed my forehead...then smiled and said goodnight. The next morning, he was gotten out of bed for a shower and when he got out of the shower and dressed, with the help of his dad and the hospice aid, he couldn't stand up without going into a seizure. We somehow got him to his chair, where he tried again to stand up and couldn't. We put him back to bed and called the hospice nurse. This began his final confinement to bed, which lasted two weeks to the day, til he died. Sarah had come in with Damon to pick up Mike and take them to the pumpkin patch so Damon and his daddy could pick out a pumpkin for halloween. Damon was just 21 months at the time. Once we got Mike settled into bed, she went outside and cried.

We have Damon tomorrow (today, actually)...a day to look forward to... The sadness accompanying the memories of Mike's last days here with us and the nearness of October 14th will be diminished, even if only for this day, by the joy this child always brings to our door. We are blessed.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mysonrich]

Good early morning Indigos, yesterday I had a touch of something, just a little bug and slept off/on for most of the day so this morning does not seem so early to me.just wait till 5PM or so, I’ll be singing a different song by then.

Karen, so sorry for your reason to be here at BI, the death of your dear Shawn, but know that this place is full of compassionate people that will always listen and reach out to you.

My son Rich died on January 18, 2009 due to cardiac dysrhythmia, sudden death. He will forever be 20 years young.

Susannah, I had a similar experience. Several times while shopping, inside my head there would be a shout, “RICH IS DEAD”. Could this be triggered by the environment I was in, e.g.: unable to block out the young men’s department, other things Rich would have liked, something that stimulated the deep recess of consciousness and my “being”, feeling the need to shout out the fact, reinforced the truth so that I may come to terms with his death someday? I don’t know.

Betty, I was going to tell you that I did look at your gallery of photos before and thought what a beautiful bride. I’m glad it wasn’t one big” poof”! I received a postcard yesterday! Beautiful.

Dee, little which is said by Sarah regarding Richie’s death, I believe her sorrow is compounded by the fact that she raced from Philly to his home some 20-25 minutes away and saw him before the medical examiner arrived. She said he looked as if he was sleeping. I don’t pry, I just guess/know.

To anyone that wants to play a little poker or blackjack, penny poker that is, come on over.

Sherry, Leah, Carol, Marcia, Indigos. Another day. A new day. And to anyone from Hopewell, you are in my thoughts on this journey.

[kmb22]

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[Guest msnher]

I don't know how I would make it without you all. Just sayin'.

Yesterday a dear friend of mine called to see if she could stop by (right now). Turns out a coworker, whom she deeply respected, died yesterday morning. As we sat, drinking our coffee, she apologized for the tears running down her cheeks. "I am the last person in the world you have to apologize to for crying over someone dying. You can cry in front of me any time."

I finished painting the living room. Very pretty, if I say so myself....and, I always do.....say so myself. Now all I have to do is paint the hallway, two bathrooms, and the kitchen. I have to take down all the doors in the house and sand them and prep them for painting and I have to do the same with all the kitchen cabinets. Gary built this house almost 20 years ago.....we have been married for almost 4, which is how long we've lived together...........I am just now beginning to feel like it's my home. Our home. Gary's parents bought this property and raised he and his sister here since he was three months old. When Gary asked me to marry him he told me I could put all my stuff in storage.....EXCUSE ME!!?? Obviously, that didn't happen. The first year he watched closely as I would move each piece of furniture, especially on his hard wood floor (I really am careful and always put something under things I have to move...except for the huge, ugly, empty gun safe).......

Most of the walls in the house were dark brown panelling. The ceilings had these square tiles with children's balloons on them. It was cheap, he was a bachelor with no intention of marrying. There was NOTHING in the huge living room/dining room area....just a sofa and a tv. And, a beautiful hardwood floor.

Feeling free enough to paint, clean and go through closets and boxes is kind of liberating. When Gary left for work yesterday he said, "Paint your little heart out, Honey." Fortunately, he is loving the results!

So. Yesteray I'm painting my little heart out. I wear as much paint as I get on the walls. It just is. I put a comb through my hair that morning and splashed water on my face...pulled on my old, red "stretch" shorts that stop a couple of inches above the knee...emphasizing my white, celulite legs. I wear my favorite paint shirt....a big, pink Sturgis bike rally shirt with a little hole in it.

It was hot. I was sweaty, covered in paint...and I did not smell heavenly................

When Gary stops by the house with a sales associate from Germany. Gary is escorting this kind gentleman around Wyoming this week.

I quickly decide it is better for this man to believe Gary married a dog ugly redneck than to believe he married a rude woman....so, I graciously greet him...holding up my hands to show the wet paint so he knows why I'm not shaking his hand................

Gary and I laughed about it all later.

Life...it goes on. Someone wrote their child is the background music in their heart..........instead of their death being the background noise in your mind...??? I like that. Life goes on with Stephanie being the background music in my heart.

Love you all.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Hello Indigos

Well, the 5-day audit at work is over and we did great.

On Monday, Sept 27, I took a mental-health day and went to Horicon Marsh here is South-Central Wisconsin. Horicon Marsh is a State and Federal Wild-life area. I left at 8:30 am and got back at 2:30 pm.

I saw over 75 white Egrets. These birds stand about 3 feet tall and are all white - easy to spot. I saw about 30 white Pelicans, only about 10 Great Blue Herons, about 40 Sandhill Cranes, A Harrier (type of hawk), and an Osprey. TOO COOL. I felt Brian, my Mom and all the other angels with me during that time. Really a great time.

An then, I came home to watch the Packers lose - UHG!!!!!! So when i went to work on Tuesday; the Bear fans were strutting their ugly orange and black colors (sorry Dee).

Trevor is doing good. We have no behavior problems with Trevor. I think Trevor is learning dis-abled and his family never followed up to get him the help he needs. We are still working through the Social Services to gain temporary custody of Trevor. He will be 18 in Jan. of 2011 and is currently a junior in HS (figure that out?).

Trevor is still getting zeros on tests and assignments. We study alot and he just cannot pull the information out of his head. His reading is poor and that also has alot to do with it. I am going to use the services of the State of WI and the school to assist in ensuring Trevor gets a HS diploma. I am not giving up on him. He is a good kid. Homecomming is this weekend and I paid for Trevor to go. He promised me no zeros and I am trusting him.

Michelle and Aaron are doing fine. Michelle is stressed with school and Aaron is too busy being a teenage boy to care - Aaron has a high B going in all his classes and that is good.

I missed you guys when i was up to my eye-balls in the audit.

I really did feel our angels when I was in Horicon Marsh. Each one entered my mind at a different time. It was really amazing.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - welcome back! Glad the audit is over... I am so glad you got to go to Hericon Marsh and see all the different birds. Isn't it amazing and powerful to feel the closeness of all our angels? To just KNOW they are here. What's even more astonishing to me is that they are somehow able to let you know whom it is that is close by. Cool stuff!

Karen - This business of faith can be an interesting journey as each of us (all humans) come to terms with what we believe. What ever our religious or spiritual (or not) views are, I think each one of us comes to some sort of acceptance or understanding as we trudge this sometimes difficult road (life, in general). When the worst thing we can imagine happening actually happens I think it's natural to question our faith. I know I certainly did, and sometimes still do. I no longer want to have the kind of faith that says I know God will catch me if I fall.....I want to have the kind of faith to trust God when he lets me hit the ground. The kind of faith that will allow me to walk into the burning building, knowing I might get burned. Stephanie's death forced me to let go of my "Happily ever after God" and latch onto the belief that he is all knowing, all loving, and all powerful. I can know God is control and has a higher purpose, and trust in that fact, but it's still gonna hurt like a son of a gun when my burns are scraped, cleaned and wrapped. There will still be a long period of healing and rehabilitation. I will scream, cry and curse at the pain....and, perhaps at the doctors and nurses who hurt me while trying to help me.....because I'm human. Knowing myself as well as I do, I'm sure I would be yelling some curse words in God's direction, too, because I got burned... God may or may not explain himself.........and, then again..........he might ask me to walk into another burning building...

That's a poor analogy. I apologize. I just want to encourage you that you don't have to work on faith. God has faith in you. All you have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.....keep it as simple as possible. Be gentle with yourself.

You are loved by your Creator. I know this. He won't give up on you if you are angry with him or even reject him. We can no more separate ourselves from the love of God than a wave can separate itself from the sea. You are loved. You don't have to do anything better. Grief sucks! It's painful. It's powerful. It will not be ignored. And, in the meantime...you have us!!

Enough preaching....again.

Love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[kmb22]

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[ericasmom]

Col, I went to bed but saw your text and when I woke up and saw the the BEARS won, I thought, oh boy, beat down on Wisconsin...we looked terrible in the first quarter. But the strutting was in orange and navy not black. I am glad that they won however, but sorry for your team who actually looks better on the field and in action.

Thanks for thinking of our KIDS when at the marsh, birds are the most amazing creatures adn I often find that being near them, seeing them, hearing them, I made calmer and better.

Hey, while Trev is almost 18 and he probably does not want to g through testing at this point, shame on his parents and SHAME on the schol for not having had him tested much much sooner. He sounds classically learning disabled and if he were tested now, and actually receives an IEP, individualized education plan, he will be covered under that for college so that he may qualify for books on tape, or having a scribe in his classes with him. there are many benefits but a KID has to be able to accept his//her disabilities. Eri never could, and so it did little for her to have the IEP.

Will talk more later, but boy what a good day but an emotional one. I found tears with each song on the radio and tape. Needed it. I read THE SAD BOOK to my students, by Michael Rosen. It is a picture book about a DAD who lost his Son and how he feels and deals with life. Very good.

Carol, I wept while I read of this day so many years ago, when Mike went to his last game. The air outside so perfect here for a ballgame, adn the sky so blue. I read this at lunch playing a CD that Eri's friends made after Eri left, and on it by R.E.M. Everybody Hurts Sometimes....I wept.

Love you all,

dee

[ericasmom]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pudOFG5X6uA

and we cry, laugh, pray together, we breathe and we fight to live, and we mourn and grieve as we wake to a new day and some days we are mad at the world and some days we are grateful to be in it. We are united in our many moods and iterations, we are stronger than we ever wanted to find out we were.

[westleysmom]

Greg-Thanks for the song. It made me cry, but everything does that. Thinking of you and your boy Brian.

Dee-I used to be a Bears fan before TN got the Titans, but now I"m a powder blue girl instead of navy and orange. I think they make fun of our uniforms around the league, but I like 'em.

Susannah-Whenever I read your posts, I am convinced that you're right, that God is in control and I feel better, but when I'm on my own in the world and I think of what is lost forever to me, I still wonder why and question Him. It's just so damn hard. I was kind of attached to my Happily Ever After and I wish I had it back. I miss it really bad. Whenever I see anything about holiday planning and how wonderful its going to be if you just get your stuff together and plan it out and all that jazz, I just about lose it. It doesn't matter what I plan or budget or want-I can't buy him anything this year. I can't cook special things for him or get him something he can't afford to buy but wants. I can't go near the young men's section of any store without getting a lump in my throat that nearly chokes me. I feel like everyone else is going to be so happy and cheerful and I am going to lose my mind. I'm in a second "not able to buy groceries" slump because we're approaching the time of year when you fix "guy" food. You know, sloppy joes and meatloaf and lasagna, that make so much it lasts forever and you get sick of it. My rant for the day. No charge for that one and worth every penny.

Colleen-Congratulations on living through your audit and I hope the one day off was enough. Missed you.

Betsy-You singing that tired song yet or is it still early? I am NOT a morning person.

Carol-Your memories of Mike's last days always make me cry. Right after the services were over, I tried so very hard to remember what had been going on right before, because when it was happening, I didn't know it was the end. There are some blank spots, but I could remember a lot of what happened, and tried to write it down or tell someone about it, so I wouldn't forget. How could I have known? If I had known what was going to happen, I wouldn't have fought with him the last time I ever saw him alive. I have to live with that, and man, its hard, so so hard.

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - I know.

[mysonrich]

Rhonda, I'm singing that song right about now. 8:30..wow

[ericasmom]

All I can add about the holidays Rhonda is that they are very different and very difficult. Last year was our first in 6 Christmases of having a tree again either. Jonathan and I went out to buy a tree. We were giddy with the idea as he and his Daddy never brought out a decoration at Christmas again. So we went out and found a fine tree right away and we foolishly handed the guy a pile of money without even trying to get the price down. We drove home and while it was crooked, it was put in the container and Jonathan and I decorated it. We put gifts under the tree and it did feel nice, it felt emotional and important. The day after Christmas, there was a crash, the tree came down, breaking a few bulbs but not too bad. And the tree was dismantled and taken out, which was good because even before tragedy, I only had the tree up one week before Christmas, and a few days past. It just doesn't seem special if it is up for long. Always have it down before NYEVE.

So this year? Who knows. Jon and Shan are traveling to Florida for Thanksgiving to which I applaud. They are going to visit friends and not deal with the back adn forth of family and Jon won't be in the house that he shared so many meals with his Daddy. Important I think, that he made this decision. Anyhow, the music, the decorations, the joviality and movies, all of it can be very hard to deal with.

My biggest suggestion is to buy gifts for a family in need, we have The Food and Gift Basket Drive, where you are assigned a family or a single person depending on your ability to purchase...and you get them some or all of the things on thier lists. I do this each year with my classroom, asking parents to forgo gifts for the teacher and instead send a few dollars to our fund and the kids and I are assigned a family of three or four. We always ask for a family with a boy and a girl. We shop online for them from KOHLs and TOYS r US and we get the gifts and wrap them and finally I deliver them to the church in town that distributes to homes and shelters. It is the single best thing we do each year, and it stays in the kids hearts for all time, Mine too of course. So doing something that makes your heart feel alive, makes you feel some sense of good is my best advice.

My own children and I always adopted a family at the holidays so this kind of feeling is what I am after every year.

Funny about clothing shopping and memories, about a month after Eri died I went by myself to Nordstroms to just stand and be present in the junior department because she and I spent many an afternoon there. She loved it there. I needed to be in the aisles of back to school clothes, I needed to see the things I know that she would have asked for. I just did and I stayed until the tears began and then I went out to my car and wept for all that I missed.

[summergirl]

Dee- love, love that song....I am sorry for your tears today but as you always say it is best to let them come when they may...too much of a build up and we end up exploding.

Greg - I'll meet you there...what a great song, Your Brian will be waiting for you...

Suz - you crack me up - love the painting story and so happy that you are making this your home...a little paint can go a long way to make things comfy .... I love to paint and wear a lot of it also but never do care.....Paint on girlfriend..

Rhonda - Understand losing some of those moments. Try not to beat yourself up too much over your last time, although I know it is easier said then done....your baby understands and will send you a sign letting you know all is ok ...

Looks as though we wil be moving to the house...going to go over and have a walk through tomorrow evening. I know that all the carpet is being torn up and the whole house needs painting (whoo hoo Suz I wil be wearing my painting clothes !!) I really just want to get an idea on the size of the bedrooms, windows etc....I am a sewer so will probably make my drapes and curtains depending on the difference in sizes from what I have now. I am starting to get a bit excited so look forward to doing the walk through.

Carol - such a touching story....you are such a beautiful woman....

Still have the allergies kicking my butt so I will say good night and get Tavian to bed...he is a tired boy tonight, he started playing basket ball after school today, will play each Monday and Wednesday, he loves it. Peace, Strength and love, Kathy

[summergirl]

Tavian with his "sea robin" he caught while camping. Looks like it has butterfly wings

[summergirl]

Writing in his "fish book" while camping. He keeps track of everything, the date, time, what kind of fish, weight, length and then he draws a picture of the fish...I love it.

[daveydow1]

Betty----You said "when your world falls down around you....nothing else matters". That is so true. After that, we are

forever changed. For friends, relatives, people in general, life goes on as usual, but for us....it will never be the

same. So nice that you saw Stephen's sweet smile. Deer galore in our backyard......broad daylight.....eating their

fill of the chestnuts falling all over. So nice to see them. Took a long walk back thru the field to the woods, and we

discovered 10 large groundhog holes that were neatly concealed when the soybeans were there, but now easily

seen since the harvesting of the field is done. HMmmmm. Too many of them all over out here.

Bonnie---Sorry to hear that your friends left you out of the invitation. I think we all have those "what ifs", and "if only"

thoughts to haunt us. I know I do. Thoughts & prayers, friend.

Dee----Thanks for the song. Two days ago, our trees around the yard were full of birds. I couldn't make out what kind

of birds they were, but I think they must have been migrating since there were so very many of them. I think it must

have been a needed rest stop for them. So sorry for Jon and the guilt he feels over ERi's death. I pray that he can

find his way out of the emotional pain he is in. Prayers for him.

Colleen----Your visit to Horicon Marsh and seeing all the different birds must have been very soothing and peaceful.

I always depend on Nature to help me out when I get close to that dreaded 'black hole' place.

Kathy----So touching......your words to dear Jessica. I know they come from your heart & soul.

Susannah------You have me laughing again......writing about your painting experience, and your husband showing up with a

sales associate. I think that you handled the situation with style and grace. Not sure I could have done that had I been in the

situation., but you were great. Also, I feel the same about what you said......I too have given up on the 'Happily-Ever-After God".

I suppose it sounds cynical, but I can't think in those terms anymore. I believe, and pray also, but not thinking anymore that

God will fix everything. Sorry if I sound negative.......oh well.....that's my 2 cents worth.

Karen------This is such an agonizing and early stage for you on this long and treacherous road......so soon after your dear son's

death. My heart feels for you so deeply. I believe we all.......who have been on this road for awhile.....can remember when we were

at the place you are right now. I'm so sorry. All I can say is that you are so welcome here at BI to come and read/post if you feel up

to it, and know that everyone here understands, firsthand, your pain & sorrow. Peace & comfort, friend.

Carol-----Oh, I know so well the heartache of remembering the 'lasts' with our children. Sometimes they are like a knife to the heart.

They can bring smiles to our face, and pain to the heart at the same time. I hope Ralph is improving with each passing day.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[briansdad]

We have to believe this.

[daveydow1]

Colleen----I got on a web page for Horicon Marsh, and it must be just a wonderful place......32,000 acres !!!!

So many birds and wildlife. Such a great place to go to find peace & solitude to soothe the soul. Thanks for posting.

sherry

[briansdad]

Six years gone / Dad

The sound of your laugh echo’s in the halls of my mind. I can close my eyes and see your face painted on the canvas of my memory. Sometimes I lose my breath with the feeling of your big bear hugs. I can remember the feeling of walking on air when you came into my life and made me a Dad. The times you would sit in my lap on the floor on Saturday mornings watching cartoons. I still can smell the fragrance of your curly blond hair. The pride I felt when you learned to talk and I taught you to say the Cubs are bums. The smile on your face challenged the sun itself when you caught your first fish. The next time I saw that smile was the day your daughter was born. You held her so carefully as though she was made of glass. Your quick temper was like lightning in a thunder storm but like a thunder storm it would pass just as quick. I drift back to that horrible day once in a while but all the wonderful memories you left wash those thoughts away like footprints on the beach. When I go to bed at night I thank the Lord that I was allowed to be your Dad. Until we meet again Brian I love you.

[ericasmom]

Brian

BRIAN

BRIAN

BRIAN-

Six years if a very long time, so make sure that tonight you swoop into your Daddy's dreams and let him feel your visit. Let him wake to the smell of your curly blond head, let him feel the way your hand felt in his, let him see that special smile across your face, the one that washes the storm away with the blink of your pretty eyes.

Let him always remember the goodness of you. Until you meet again.

PS dance with our Angels to the songs of your lives.

[hotrod]

Hello Indigos

My goodness you all out did yourself today. I laughed with Susannah, cried with Carol, Dee,Rhonda and Betsy, became happy with Sherry and Colleen over nature and felt warmed and enriched by Greg's poem, and the music he and Dee published, Wow.!!!

Greg Beautiful Poem and songs Your thoughts of a "Dad for His "son" touch my heart and I can so identify. I too thank God each Morning and Evening that Stephen was in my life for whatever amount of time.

Sherry What a lovely home you have moved to I am so glad you have such a beautiful spot filled with migrating birds, happy deer eating their fill and the hidden groundhogs. Being a city dweller, not quite sure if these last are destructive little creatures or not.

When traveling in Istanbul we found a strange looking bird walking around with the gulls I tool some pictures and when I am able to get to the pictures, I will post here. Maybe you or Dee or Colleen can identify them for me.

Susannah I laughed so hard at your painting experience and hubby coming home I do hope you had your clothes on right side in at least!!

Dee I understand exactly how you felt and why you had to drive to Nordstrom and just look around and look for the cloths that Eri would love. I understand why it was necessary and the tears.

Rhonda I understand about the food shopping I could not shop for many months because of what you are experiencing Please be gentle with yourself and do only what you can. When a negative memory of a fight with Stephen invades my mind I replace it with a positive memory that he and I shared.. After all, the positive far out weighs the negative so when you remember some of the negative stuff just counter it with a positive memory of Westley It really helps me

Carol How sweet, gentle and touching you describe Mikes's last days. I also cried and attained an even deeper awareness of the meaning of the word Bitter sweet. Praying that Ralph's numbers are good

Betsy I hope you are catching up on your sleep.

Bonnie, Trudie, Leah Karen and all Indigos please take care of yourselves

[Guest msnher]

BRIAN..........

[Guest msnher]

Greg - I tried to post the song "Wind beneath my wings" by Bette Midler for you, in honor of Brian, today, but I did something wrong. Sorry. I thought it would be an excellent song for you, Brian and his little girl. I love the way you talk about your son and the love and pride you have in his legacy, his daughter. You don't say much, but when you do "say" - sometimes even just a video or picture - it speaks volumes to my heart. I pray your heart is full today, as well.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[nicksdad]

Avery...Thinking of you and your family today

[nicksdad]

Brian...Forever in our thoughts....

[hotrod]

BRIAN

THINKING OF YOU TODAY YOUR MEMORY

BURNS

BRIGHTLY IN THE HEARTS OF ALL

WHO KNEW YOU

AVERY

REMEMBERING YOUR KIND HEART AND

GENTLE SPIRIT

THIS DAY AND EVERY DAY

[ericasmom]

I think that this song captures the deep darkness that we have all lived in, sometimes still go there, but the joy at the end verse, the learning to live again...give a listen, Annie Lenox is one of my favorite singers and songwriters.

"Dark Road"

It's a dark road

And a dark way that leads to my house

And the word says

You're never gonna find me there oh no

I've got an open door

It didn't get there by itself

It didn't get there by itself

There's a feelin

But you're not feelin' it at all

There's a meaning

But you're not listening any more

I look at that open road

I'm gonna walk there by myself

And if you catch me

I might try to run away

You know I can't be here too long

And if you let me

I might try to make you stay

Seems you never realise a good thing

Till it's gone..

Maybe im still searchin

But I dont know what it means

All the fires of destruction are still

Burnin' in my dreams

There's no water that can wash away

This longin' to come clean

Hey yea yea....

I cant find the joy within my soul

It's just sadness takin hold

I wanna come in from the cold

And make myself renewed again

It takes strength to live this way

The same old madness every day

I wanna kick these blues away

I wanna learn to live again...

It's a dark road

And a dark way that leads to my house

And the word says

You're never gonna find me there oh no

I've got an open door

It didn't get there by itself

It didn't get there by itself

[ericasmom]

Avery Sweet Boy/Man, send your parents and family the knowing of your peaceful spirit, breeze into their day with a sense of hope and sunlight. Beautiful Boy.

[mpsmom]

Brian

please send your Mom and Dad a sign ..........

let them know you are safe and happy and you will see them again

[mpsmom]

Sweet Avery..........

Let your Dad and Mom and Sister know you are alright....

Play that song on the radio today that reminds each of them of you....

Make the sun shine a little brighter today so they will know .....

that you are happy, healthy and eternally young.

sending you all (((HUGS)))

[westleysmom]

Dear, Dear BRIAN,

You are loved and missed and remembered. Your Dad will meet you there some sweet beautiful day. And he can hardly wait.

[shorty16]

Avery, Avery, Avery, We are saying your name - loud and clear

Thinking of you today and always, Dale and Donnalu

Colleen

[shorty16]

Greg and Jan,

Thinking of you today and hoping the thoughts of your Brian can keep you and your wife warm. He lives on in the life, breath and happiness which is his daughter.

Colleen

[rlolheiser]

Brian... Brian... Brian..

Hold your family close and shine bright

[rlolheiser]

Avery, Avery, Avery....

Thinking of you and your family

[shorty16]

Indigos

An update on Trevor. We recieved the paperwork from Waukesha County Social Services to apply for temporary guardianship of Trevor. I asked him if that is what he wanted and he said "I wish you were my parents from the beginning."

We will take the paperwork to the bank, get it noterized and into the system. The process should take about a week. Then I am going into that school, developing an IEP and tracking his progress. The high school knows me by my first name.

He is a good kid, just has no clue on how to learn, has no clue how to find help. i think he was so wrapped up in getting the basics of life (food, shelter) that the school thing just came second.

The Social Services is starting neglect charges on Trevors mother. I have repeatedly asked for clothing assistance (in writing) and she has provided nothing but garbage cloths. Social services cannot discuss the case with me, but I am giving the social worker may 2, 3 and 4 cents worth.

I found something that love alone cannot cure. I thought if I just loved Trevor, he would succeed. This problem is much bigger than I. I need and will get him the help he needs. I am kinda stressed about the whole thing, but I know in my heart that Brian, my Mother and the Lord approve of my actions.

Colleen

[rlolheiser]

Thanks to all for thinking, praying and worrying about me in this time of stress. I try to take what I can, and am trying hard not to overdo.. I know I will make it, it is just a slow process, a new twist on things seems to happen everyday.. guess I never will be bored.

I have been up and down emotionally, I hate October.. it is so hard to try to stay upbeat for the kids with thier Halloween thoughts heavy on their minds already. I look at life and think that after 4 years it would get easier.. but there are still days that just sting so badly. I know you all understand.. I guess I just needed to say it... I know it is on my little grandaughter's mind too.. each trip to town seems to bring a new fear to her, she is frightened again about the road..(she was in the accident with JaBoa)... and it stinks.. I can't tell her.. don't worry honey.. everything will be fine, cause that is what I told JaBoa... I guess I am hoping to find a way to cope.. the words and the feelings to feel.. not finding them lately. I know it is just irrational thinking.. but there are shadows that haunt..

sorry.. I dont' mean to sound down.. I am ok.. just rollercoasting my emotions lately.

Kathy, I am glad you have a new excitement for your house.. I think it is fun to set up a house to what you want.

Carol.. I pray Ralphs numbers are doing good.. I think of you both often.

Dee.. I feel the words of the song you posted, I wish dial up would let me hear it :-)

Betsy, Bonnie, Karen, Rhonda, Coleen, and everybody else I didn't name.. I hope you have a good day.

[mikesmomrs]

Colleen: I am sorry to hear that Trevor's mother seems to have completely "bowed out" of his life, though it seems that it may be a very good thing in the long run. I am so happy for him, though, that he has you in his corner, striving to get him what he needs to be happy and successful in his life. I am sorry this is causing you stress, though, and hope you still try to take time for YOU. Sending love and strength and a to Trevor (and you, too!)

Dee: thanks for the song...Annie is a favorite of Cathi's also...Cathi used to write songs (when she was in a band, before Jame was born), and much of her writing at that time was very similar to some of Annie's...sometimes I wish that she (Cathi) had been able to follow her dream, but when Jame came along, she believed that was her new direction and chose to close the door on the other for now...she truly loves her life and that is what counts most.

Leah: Thinking of you and holding you close...please never feel bad about sharing your trials...remember, a joy shared is doubled, and a sorrow shared is halved (don't have the author's name of that, and I think it is paraphrased)...that is what we try to do here...double each other's joys and cut those sorrows down with our support to each other.

Dan: I loved the tributes to Brian and Avery...you are a very giving person.

Thank you all for your good wishes for Ralph...we see the doctor this afternoon for the results of the latest labs.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Speaking your name, remembering your sweetness, AVERY, AVERY, AVERY....please surround your family with your loving spirit and help them to remember that you are on every breeze, in every ray of sun...you are with them always.

Dale and Donnalu, thinking of you this day, and sending love and strength.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Speaking your name, as your spirit lives in the very fiber of all of those who know and love you, bringing your memory along with them wherever they go...brush the cheek of that sweet baby Alyssa, surround her and all of your family with love and treasured memories to help them through this life until you all meet again.

BRIAN...BRIAN...BRIAN...remembering you, still loving you...

Greg and Jan...wishing this was a day you never had to know...holding you close, sending love.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[daniellemom]

Greg - My thoughts and prayers are with you on this day. I know Brian is waiting for you and saving a place for you in heaven.

Dale and Donnalu - My thoughs and prayers are with you today. May Avery show you a sign that he is still near.

I'm saying both their names Brian and Avery loud and proud today!

Colleen - I know your Brian is so proud of his family for taking in Trevor and helping him out. I'm sorry this is giving you stress but I hope the help you give his out weights your stress.

Sus - Everytime before I read your post I have to make sure I've gone to the bathroom because you make me laugh out so hard I might wet my pants.

Rhonda - With the holidays coming up remember one thing, you only have to do what you can do. Some people travel now at the holidays so start new things. Do what you can, family may not want to understand but they will. I have an 8 year old daughter she was 5 when Danielle passed away, so I felt like I had to put a tree up for her. So we went and got a real tree that year and every year since, I can't use the tree I purchased for her because of her allergies. At my parents Danielle's name is said and stories told each time we get together, my husband's side never talks about her. So I don't stay very long there. Last year I gave Christmas tree ornaments with Danielle's picture on it to all of her aunts and uncles. Do what you want and what you can during the holidays.

Kathy - I wish you luck with the walk through tonight!

Carol - Prayers are with you this afternoon for the results.

Dee - My prayers are with Jon. When you talk about your students the love spills out of the computer. You are my hero!

Sherry - Thinking of you.

Betty - Can't wait to see more pictures of your trip.

Rlolheiser - My prayers are with you during this stressful time.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom) forever!

[krichie]

Avery & Brian

Thinking of you both today and hoping your families find peace and a sign of your continous love from up on the stars

[daveydow1]

AVERY...AVERY....AVERY......REMEMBERING YOU ON THIS DAY. SMILE DOWN ON YOUR FAMILY AND

WARM THEIR HEARTS WITH THEIR SWEET MEMORIES OF YOU, THEIR DEAR SON.

BRIAN.....BRIAN...BRIAN...YOU ARE MISSED AND LOVED BY YOUR FAMILY, AND WILL ALWAYS BE IN THEIR HEARTS & SOULS.