Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

Just to add an addendum to my earlier post where I spoke about Jamie...it seems that Cathi spoke to Jamie's dad on Friday night, after Jamie spoke to her, and let him have it somewhat...she didn't want to say too much as she didn't want Jamie to feel bad about his telling her about what happened with his dad. Apparently, Jim took some of what she said in, because after he got off the phone, he told Jamie that they didn't ahve to go to the Japanese restaurant that he said they were going to for his birthday...(when he first told Jamie, Jamie told him that he didn't think he would like it as he didn't care for asian food, and could they please go to Texas Roadhouse, where they'd gone before, but Jim said they had already made the plans and that was where they were going.) Also, Jim gave him a gift certificate for the Game Stop store, and gave him $50 to spend on whatever he chose. (Usually, Jim will get him what he thinks he "needs," i.e., a bicycle helmet or shoes, or some such thing that is not really a fun present for a kid that age--but to be fair, he has also bought him a new bike when it wasn't even his birthday.) Anyway, when I spoke with Jamie today at his party/get together, he was very happy about how his father made the effort to turn things around and that the evening wound up being happy. I think it was the obvious effort that his dad made to please him that counted more than anything. He really did enjoy his day today, for which I am very happy. Mike's middle boy, Kameron (he and Jame are very close) is there tonight, to spend the night, as well.

Trud: I guess we were online at the same time, but writing, so didn't notice til you'd signed off. So glad that the move is going well...so sorry that fragility is ruling right now...I wish so much I was there when the doctor rang, you would have been held, my dear, you would have been held. I want to scream, NO, NO, NO, and NO again! But, I am glad that they have found this now and are able to do something...they are, aren't they? Surgery. An implant? But, perhaps I am going too fast, you likely don't even know yet. Just know that we are ALL with you, every step of the way, every moment...I wish so much I could just run down the street and pop open your door and just sit there with you..."Sometimes I just can't suck it up!" ,,,and sometimes, you shouldn't have to! Steele Magnolias...I remember watching that, tears nearly drowning me, and listening to those words coming out of Sally Field's mouth, and thinking inside "No mom---or daughter-- should ever have to go through that...how could you survive??" One moment at a time, as we here have all learned...one moment at a time. The day I was standing in the hospital hallway, telling the nurse that I wanted Mike back in the ICU AS SOON AS he got back from x-ray, (because they had moved him out too soon) where they were taking him to implant a stint (or something) for medication application, because he was now in a coma because the nurse didn't follow doctors' orders given the night before and Mike's brain spent all night swelling and swelling. Sarah was in shock. I stood there, holding the elevator door, because we were going to x-ray with him (despite their telling us we "couldn't do that," I was thinking of "Terms of Endearment," and Shirley MacLaine running out into the hallway and screaming "It's past ten. My daughter is in pain. I don't understand why she has to have this pain. All she has to do is hold out until ten, and IT'S PAST TEN! My daughter is in pain, can't you understand that! GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!" Remembering that scene gave me the strength to form the screams that sat at the back of my throat, seconds from becoming a reality for them..it was already a reality for me...thinking of that scene gave me the strength to tell them what to do and to do it NOW. I know that no one wants to hear about these memories, but I also know that I can share this story here, and you all will understand why it still sits on my heart, nearly four years later...why sometimes I have to put it into words...to take it out of my heart for just a bit...to "air it out" so to speak, because when I do that, it seems to lessen the pain each time as I tuck it back into that dark corner, sliding it out of sight once more, a little bit smaller than when I took it out. I am sorry to hear about your family friend and the pain her children are feeling at her being gone when they thought she would be there "forever." I love that you wore your Red Sox shirt, you must take a pic the next time and send it...I will stick it by the "walkway" picture in front of my chair.

Dee, I hope you had a good time at Maxx Jaxon's birthday party...such a cute name.

Got to get some sleep, maybe...eyes are drooping but nerves are jumping...

Love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

Trudi - I echo Carol's sentiment. I wish I was there, too. Have you slept at the beach house, yet?

Carol - I'm so relieved to hear that Jamie's dad WANTS to do well by his son. When I first read your post about the sunny d and water, I thought to myself, "Oh my gosh! I've done that!" I will be much more careful about speaking to my kids quietly away from friends from now on. Still praying for you and Ralph.

My sister died while I was reading Eckhart Tolle and taking the Oprah classes online. I practiced what was being taught in the midst of a severely painful, dysfunctional family gathering. I had not been in touch with any of my family members, aside from the sister that died, for many years. I was asked to speak at her funeral. The tools I used to help me stay focused and peaceful while so many "wars" were breaking out around me were the tools being taught. It was kind of amusing to watch how well "they" (the tools) worked on my behalf in the midst of such chaos. Hmmmmm. Maybe I need to pull my book our of the book shelf again.

Oh Trudi - Steel Magnolia's is one of my favorite movies. I think of the scene you quoted quite often. Sally Field played that part perfectly. "Here! Hit Weezer......" breaking the tension.

kids are waking up and climbing on ,my lap...must sign off..

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Carol and Trudie On so early in the AM with such deep, touching compassionate messages.

Trudi, I am glad Mal helped with the last of the move and I smiled at his cautioning you about the downside of your new home. 5 minute walk with Mutley to the beach , people smiling and saying HI counts for much!!!ear. I am so very sorry to hear about the medical reports. As Carol, said we and all our Heavenly angels are with you in heart and spirit. Please be gentle with yourself and let us know how we can help.

Carol, yes Terms of Endearment did touch my heat and never in a million years did I think that I would be that mother!!! So glad you had the courage to go with Mike to X-ray regardless of what rules you broke!!! :Loved the picture of your 12 year old grandson He looks so happy. Glad the birthday worked out well.

Sherry, Trudi is so right about the deer and the chestnuts You paint such a beautiful picture of your visions Maybe some day you will capture a picture!! Love hearing about the soy fields and your sweet wild life. experience I saw mu hurt squirrel mommy last night and she too is very bury Nature is such a gift to us

Dee you must post a picture of your new haircut. I did smile at the comment from ERI about dressing like the 80's Such good memories.

I do not know if I mentioned that my computer blew just before my trip I am working on a new laptop and hate it. I do not do well with change\

Susannah I think we posted at the same time. Did not mean to ignor you. I use my alanon 12 step tools every day to enable me to deal with the dysfunction I have daily from my family These tools are similar to those you mention I agree they are powerful

Hope everyone has a Blessed Day.

Edited September 26, 2010 by hotrod

[mysonrich]

Susannah, I was at the Division of Motor Vehicles yesterday. Again. While speaking to the clerk about the form I filled out, he asked,” you checked NO when asked if you are in this country legally”? I replied,” that’s right”. The clerk asked again, “you checked NO when asked if you are in this country legally”. I was confused. Sarah was with me and as I turned to look at her and saw the question in her eyes (perhaps a statement, “my mother is mad as hatter“) and her word, MOM?! I realized my mistake. I couldn’t top laughing. So when I figure my status out I’ll tackle Tolle.

Carol. I agree. Your grandson does resemble Mike.

Betty, on my bucket list, to ice skate at Rockefeller Center. Maybe this year. I hope you received my message in response to the mail I received.

Trudi, concerned hubby. Now, I must look up tea tree. Regarding the news of the ECG; ( EKG?) I hope all goes well, 2nd opinion maybe.

Sherry, I walked out the door early one morning and was eye to eye with? My mind said “cat” at first. Then raccoon. It was still dark. After some thought, could it have been a groundhog on the porch steps? It just didn’t look like a raccoon as if scurried away. The deer gave me a fright one night. I heard them running, which startled me, as I startled them.

Bonnie, I saw the pic’s of Pinnicle Days too. Nice size group in attendance.

Dee, enjoyable time at the party?

I just learned that there will be a birthday party here today for my 2nd cousin. I think she is 3 years old. I really thought my aunt was going there to their home and I would bow out. Surprise. I just don’t want to deal with 4 1st cousins and spouses. Everyone has an opinion of how to help my aunt, their Mother. For example, I feel my aunt’s children should help their mother in sorting belongings of my deceased uncle. He died 5 days before my mom. I try. That’s the best I can do my I hate the opinioned rather arrogant view of the oldest of 16 first cousins. I will try to hide.

Talk to everyone later.

[heartbeataway]

Trudi ......

I also found tears as I read your new of the call from the cardiologist office. But, very grateful that it's something correctable by surgery. As you know, the workup will tell them more. I watched a documentary just this week about the advancements in cardiac care. My mother-in-law had aortic stenosis and failing kidneys. Surgery would have corrected her heart problems but other health issues prevented the surgery. Watching the documentary, they now can do the surgery and add what looks like a stent via a vein. No invasive surgery!

While watching I also thought about Jason. He literally walked, worked and played each day with a heart that was dying ....... and he didn't know. That's why we do what we do. Pinnacle Days is a celebration of "the life of Jason" but it's also a fund raiser for the Johns Hopkins ARVD/C Research program. We do what we can to prevent another family from "falling to their knees."

On another note, I love the sound of your being a five minute walk from the beach ....... I would like to walk that beach with you!

Suzannah,

I took the Oprah online course also. Glad it was at a time that proved so helpful to you. I also come from a dysfunctional family ...... it hurts!

Carol,

Glad Ralph is steady in his improvement. Your life is busy but sounds full in a good way ( mostly!)

Rich played poker with friends last night. I replaced some of the pictures on Jay's banner. I ran out of the iron on transfer paper when I originally made it and so some of the pictures did not do well with the moisture in the air. So, I was able to remove them and replace them with pictures that hopefully will last now.

Of course in doing so, I manage to get the iron too close to a couple of other things and so my project ended up being more than expected. I find I still have problems visiting "memory lane". My heart gets so heavy that I want to re-build walls that have been slowly coming down. I found myself go from excitement at being able to express HIS life on the banner to a bad case of "the woes is me" at realizing that our memories are going to get old and outdated with no way of updating them. He will be forever young and forever loved and remembered but he's still gone ....... and I could make a hundred banners and that will never change.

Steel Magnolia's is a movie I love too ........ I have it and every time I watched it I cried like a baby at the part described. I thought of that movie a lot after Jay died. Not sure when I will ever watch it again ......

The part in Gone With The Wind when "Bonnie Blue" died also made an impression on me. Mr Rhett has "done lost his mind" ....... ( side note: I was name after that little girl!)

Kathy,

Hope things will fall into place for you soon. It's hard to have so much going on in your life when life is a daily struggle as it is ......

We had an interesting but sad family thing happen with Pinnacle Days. I come from a family of nine. My Dad died in March. So now there are eight of us. ONE brother and his family attended Pinnacle Days for the whole event. Another brother dropped by for a couple of hours .....

The family involvement from my side is sad in itself. Jay loved family and if there was a family event, he was there.

But Rich's brother that lives within driving distance told us that they were attending Parents Weekend at their daughters college. Plans were made after Parents Weekend last year. She's a sophomore. His wife reiterated the same to us. They were so sorry. They would love to come but they already had a hotel reservation, etc ....

This week Rich called his brother to wish him a happy birthday ..... and again his brother talked about how sorry they were to miss Pinnacle Days but they had a good time at parents weekend. I saw a post from their daughter on FB so I mentioned parents weekend and asked if she "behaved" herself. She responded that it was good and yes she behaved herself. Then I happened to find out that parents weekend is this weekend ..... it wasn't last weekend.

So, I mentioned to Katy that parents weekend was coming up ..... wasn't last weekend after all. My sister-in-law responded that since the hotel where they booked their reservation gave them the wrong dates last year that she was sorry for the confusion. They had their own private parents weekend. Of course it crossed our minds that they could have had their own private parents weekend anytime or just attended the official parents weekend.

Why would they do that? Just say no ..... if you don't want to do something, just say no.

They didn't come to Pinnacle Days last year ...... if it's not their thing and they don't choose to participate, it's okay. It was hurtful to realize that it appeared to be an excuse. And once you realize that someone will do that ...... it compounds the hurt and makes it harder to understand. Makes it harder to trust.

Rich wondered if we sub-consciously pressure folks with Pinnacle Days. We would never want to do that! And the fact that we pretty much doubled attendance this year makes me think that folks want to come. We had more children and some of Jays friends brought their parents ....... making it the family event we've hoped for.

Oh well ....... some things are not meant to be understood! And for us, family is one of them.

Well Indigos ...... I need to get this day rolling. It's gonna rain and rainy days are just so dreary sometimes!

Love!

[ericasmom]

STEEL MAGNOLIAS, i cry just thinking about that movie, loved it and I have watched it since losing Erz, cried harder than ever. I don't own it, but have cable stations that run great movies, some very old, some very new and experimental...love the sundance channel for innovative shows and movies. Also, IFC, independent film channel. I have seen some real tear producers, which I love because it means that there are film makers that get it, get US.The party was sweet though at one point I began to cry, didn't have a big warning, just warm tears spilling and a lump in the throat. I was surveying the gift of so many little ones all around, and I know that ERi would be smiling out holding each one saying, "oh my god, this baby is sooooo cute." One, Aerianna, (Aeri) my great niece was there looking so adorable, and named in Eri's honor. I have another niece coming, will be born in Costa Rica where my nephew Ryan lives, (Michael's side of family) and their baby will also be Erieanna, spelled differently but also with ERica in mind and heart. I am so touched by such love.

Betsy, hide if you will feel better for it. I love the story at the DMV. Sounds oddly familiar.

Bonnie, of course you were named after Scarlett and Rhett's child, Bonnie means beautiful after all. And you are. And the awareness you bring to others through the loss of ONE SO DEAR, is a gift to Jason and to the world. The numbers of folks in attendance shows you that you are not forcing this down anyone's throat. Your SIL should have just said, nope, can't come it is too hard for us to do. I can get that, it is hard to be around a group that are remembering and grieving. Many as we know, feel it could be contagious, some are simply unable toleave that cocoon of false safety. We get that, what they don't get is that we have had enough negative output in our lives, we simply would appreciate it if folks did not continue that with us.. LYing is negative. I am glad that you know that the faces in those photos posted, are faces of people that want to be with you in the midst of Pinnacle Days.

Carol, hope I wasn't too extra mean about Cathi's ex. He makes me growl however.

Trudi dear, I am picturing you healing seaside, healing from so many things including the upcoming surgery. I know it was a blow, is a blow, and my tears did not stay behind my eyes either, but I am grateful that the docs know what to do to help you. Grateful. There is a kids book called, Ms. Rumphius. Now that you are going to be seaside, your story reminds me of her, she sowed seeds, Lupine seeds all along the paths near the sea and in the village, she caused beauty in her world for everyone. That is who you are to me, sowing seeds of wisdom and laughter and love.

Love to all,

dee

[mysonrich]

Thinking on birthday parties and family, extended family. I don't believe I ever read anyone write of past slights that may be construed now, now that Rich is dead,or your child, the feelings that come to the surface now that he or she is dead.Now that amends can not be made in our children's lives. When he was alive I let go of such thoughts but as i am now reliving with aghast. The relative that always purchased a present for the new babies in the family. Not my Rich because this persons feelings were hurt when someone... me, Rich's dad, my mother? failed to notify this relative of Rich's birth. Still I hear of the new babies and the fact that this relative has to shop for a present.I still remember that day,after healing enough after the c-section, driving to this persons home with my new baby boy, and no present. trivial you may think. Not when outlined in the context as stated above. Should all be atoned due to the fact that flowers were there for his funeral?

Or the fact that some did not show up for his 5th birthday party and they were right down the street. Partly the reason I avoid dwelling, thinking, living the feelings again. Should I be a better person? or should I eat more crow? Always doing the best to protect our children when alive form the callous actions of others. Now, there is now way to protect ourselves form the memory except but forcing back the first inklings of a memory.

[daveydow1]

Davey, my son........Today is your birthday, and I am sad......but I know you are happy where you are....

where ther is no time.....no distance....., and nothing to hurt you anymore. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR DAVEY,

and may God bless you and keep you until we meet again. Love, Mom

[daveydow1]

Trudi----Yes, I agree..... those burrs covering the chestnut inside are very prickly & wicked if one touches them.

The deer wait until the nuts have popped out..nice & smooth and thin-shelled. Cleaning up & raking the burrs is

quite a job. We will take them by wagon back to the woods & dump them. Your beach house sounds so

very peaceful, and your walks will be so soothing to the soul. I wish you the best of luck in your cardiac workup.

Also....wondering what you found out about Muttley's lump on his chest...poor pup. I hope it's nothing to worry

about. My son's old dachsund, Sally, also has a large lump on her chest.....she's 15. The vet said to just let it

alone. So far, no ill effects from it. Thoughts & prayers, friend.

Betsy----Maybe your 'visitor' was a opposum, or worse....a skunk. Hope not anyhow. Yes, the sound of deer running

is alarming if you are not actually there to see them......it almost sounds like a bunch of people's steps in a way.

I so understand your memories of people who have slighted or hurt our kids. I have those thoughts sometimes, and

like you......I try to divert my thoughts to other things. I do, however, know that it is only natural that they creep

into our thoughts at times. I remember you saying about the dream you had where dear Rich said " it doesn't matter

anymore, mom" (or words to that effect). I guess that is so true....as he said in your dream. Peace to you.

Dee-----So sweet that there are baby girls in your family that have been named in honor of sweet ERi. My grandie

Trenton (4) has David's middle name....I'm glad my daughter & her husband chose to use his name, in honor of

Davey.

Betty------AHhhhh........ ice skating at Rockefeller Center. That will be such a nice experience. I can't ice skate .....even

a little bit. -----never learned. But, when I see that scene in movies or t.v. programs, it looks so enchanting.

Your little mommy squirrel is no doubt preparing for winter with all her scurrying around & gathering. We don't have

too many squirrels or chipmunks around our place......they are handy prey for preditors. But we do have groundhogs,

which can be quite destructive to the fields with their digging huge holes for their burrows. It wouldn't be so bad is

they dug along the woods or fence lines, but they seem to love the middle of the fields------

Carol----Good to hear that Jamie's birthday went well.

PEACE TO ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[hotrod]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR DAVEY

YOU BRING

HAPPINESS AND JOY TO

MOM AND DAD

WITH EACH MENTION OF YOUR NAME

[westleysmom]

Sherry-Thinking of you on Davey's Birthday. Happy Birthday Davey!

Trudi-So sorry to hear of the heart problems. Will be thinking of you this week as you go to the Drs. Thank you for thinking of our angels as you walk down your beach. It makes me happy to know that Westley is remembered by all of my friends all over the place. If you start wearing a Red Sox shirt, we will never be able to keep from getting you and Carol mixed up!

Bonnie-I'm sorry that your family hurt you and made you question yourself and Pinnacle Days. It is a wonderful, selfless labor of love and if they don't want to come, they should just say so.

Betty-Mad as a hatter is what we all are at one time or another. And it usually happens at the DMV... Coincidence?

Betsy-Sometimes when I remember things that people did or said to slight Westley when he was alive, I get so furious. I know what you mean, it doesn't do any good, and I have to try to put it away.

Dee-So sweet, all the little Eri's running around.

Carol-Glad the birthday turned out as well as it did. Give Ralph a hug from Tennessee.

Cooler here today and cloudy. Thank goodness. And my husband is on his way home, I'll be glad when they get here, safe and sound. Went to the cemetery a little bit ago. All I can ever usually come up with when I'm there is to tell him I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let him die, sorry I couldn't save him. It still feels like its my fault, I know I have a god-complex, but I just can't get past it.

Thinking of you all and hoping you're having a good evening

[ericasmom]

DAVEY

DAVEY

DAVEY

The best day to celebrate, the day you came to such loving parents. You will always be remembered in joy, in love. Happy Birthday Dear Son to Sherry.

[ericasmom]

I did ice skate at Rockefeller Plaza one night. It was magical. John did not join in the activity but we walked there after dinner one night, and he said, well, what are you waiting for, go get some skates. It was lovely. I was tipsy for the wine we had at dinner, but I felt like I was graceful, even though that is a word never used on me for anything.

Trudi, you will recognize me, my hair remains messy and layered, just shorter and off my neck. HOt flashes you know.

[summergirl]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR SWEET DAVEY - DANCE WITH MY JESSICA - FLY HIGH WITH ALL OF OUR ANGELS AND SEND YOUR MOM SOME BIG LOVE AND HUGS...

Well, we are home from camping and it was better then I thought it would be....it was uncomfortable at first but then I just let myself go and decided to enjoy my "friends" and let everything else go. Everyone ended up at our camper for the entire day on Saturday - usually we are down at one of the "main campfire site campers" but I have the feeling that my friends knew how I was feeling so they all came to me....my other friend I think was unsure of what to do but eventually she came and sat with us, right next to me, I continued to laugh and talk with all and did not let her bother me. I believe that she does geel bad about what she has done but I am finished thinking about it. Barry, Tavian and I had a wonderful time with friends and each other so that is all that matters. I cannot not tell you all enough how much it has meant to me to have you here for me, to always be open minded and honest - it keeps me alive with hope ...

Trudi - I am thrilled that you are in your beach house and yes I did a bit of a smile about Mal....Please, please keep us informed on everything that is going on with you.....tests, whatever....I am saying prayers and keeping the faith that all will be well....Mike and all our Angels are watching over you. You amd Muttley enjoy that 5 minute walk and all the wonderful people who are there.

I am still trying to catch up on postings but I think I am beyond it at this point. Now that we are home and things are getting back to somewhat normal I can start new and stay with you all....

Tavian had a great time camping....no other children there but he does not seem to care...he dug a huge hole in the sand and called it his "fishing place"....put his fishing pole holder, his fishing chair, tackle box in the hole and sat there most of Saturday....he went swimming and caught a bunch of "sea robins" and was just so happy.....it did my heart good to see him so happy. The weather was beautiful, sunny and warm....great for our last weekend at the beach till next year. Not worrying about finding a house as we know there is one waiting for us....

I know this is short but "relaxing" at the beach can wear a person out so I will say good night. I love you all and my prayers are with you. Peace, love and strength. Kathy

[daveydow1]

David age 4

[mysonrich]

Happy Birthday Davey!

[mysonrich]

Well, I think I handled the birthday party well. Simply said, " I don;t want to talk about that" when asked nosey questions. One person started to talk about my sister. She died at 43, 7 years ago. At first I didn't understand what this person was talking about and then realized that it wasn't in a nice way. About the same time she,the speaker,realized that she was talking about my sister! She avoided me after that.

Sherry, easier said then done. It doesn't matter ,but I don't have my black glasses like " The Men in Black". Great picture of Davey. lots of hair on his sweet head.

Rhonda, I try not to think deep thoughts at times or I know I will sink.

Good night everyone. Thank you all for listening to my rants,rambles, re-memories.

[hotrod]

Dear Sherry Wow great pictures I see you have learned the knack of posting a picture It is wonderful to see little Davey So sweet!!!

Betsy I am proud of you for refusing to engage in converstions you do not wish to talk about Great!! Family is a trip I have learned to only spend a few hours at the most with them at a time Gossip and back biting is always the name of the game. I have many unhappy memories of family who neglected Stephen especially after his Dad passed. They all seemed to disappear. not only right after the service but for years after. My husband;s sister and children stayed in touch with him by a Christmas card each year. When Stephen passed they saw the OBIT in the paper and called very upset becasue I had not mentioned them as part of his family!!! They were very surprised at my response and believe me I did not apologize.

Ice Skating at Rockerfeller Center is beautiful Dee is absolutely right If you make it to NYC this year let me know. We will do it together.

Rhonda I am so sorry that you are in that painful spot. It is so familar- I am glad that your husband is returning tonight. Praying for your peace

Indigos I need to give credit for the word "RE Memories" to Carol's grandson "Damon" She mentioned that it was one of his cute words and I loved it.. So I decided to use in the future

Stay well talk tomorrow

'

[Guest msnher]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAVEY!!! (he's quite proud of you, Sherry.)

What a day! In a good way... Painting the living room, now....

Betsy - What ever you do, stay out of Arizona! LOL That is so funny! I wish I would have been there with you. Good for you staying out of the gossip circle.

Bonnie - If people are uncomfortable with Pinnacle Days, that's their problem. They must have a heck of a time on President's Day or September 11 or Memorial Day, etc. Having said that, however, I have this gut feeling that them missing Pinnacle Days has nothing to do with you or the actual event. I could be wrong...it's just a feeling. ("Them missing"? I talk good english)

Yup. I haven't watched Steel Magnolia's since Stephanie died. Can't.

Trudi - What about the crocodiles? Did Mal warn you about crododiles? Your heart and soul has been broken worse than anything going on with it, physically, right now......This is just "one more thing" you don't need right now... As you nurture your heart and soul in your beach house, I pray strength and healing comes to your physical heart, too.

Kathy - I really think she found the money. Not sure I would bet money on it, but I wish I could confront her on it. Me, not you. I'm glad you had a good time and was able to take the high road. Lord knows I'm wrong more than I'm right, but I really think she found the money or remembered what happened to it. Or.....she really thinks you took the money and is "rising above" it and still gracing you with her friendship. I don't know if my sarcasm is coming through my writing, but it is seething from every pore. Sarcasm: to tear apart, cut, rip. Not good...my ugly side is showing.

Rhonda - I don't think you have a "god complex", I think you have a mom complex. Don't we all? I think I spent 8 full months muttering "I'm sorry" to Stephanie. Sometimes it still hits, but mostly it doesn't anymore. The "I'm sorry's". I tell her I hope she's pleased with the way I'm raising her kids, which usually ends with me rolling my eyes and saying, under my breath, "well, you damn well better be!" Sometimes I go off on a rant...........but, most of the time it ends with me laughing at the way I imagine her responding to me.

That girl could make me laugh more than anyone I've ever met. I think Betsy might come in second if I spent any amount of time with her... "Are you here legally?" "Nope."

So..........today.....I'm sitting outside with my daughter-in-law enjoying conversation and cigarette when a curious expression crosses her face..."Do you have your pants on inside out?"

Sure enough.............

Fortunately, I hadn't gone out in public, yet....THAT would have been embarrassing....a tad...

A-16 my friends!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mpsmom]

Happy Birthday Davey !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HUGS and Prayers to you tonight Sherry !!!!!

[mikesmomrs]

Just came on and am wishing that Davey had a wonderful birthday, celebrating with all of our angels, with him in the center, the full focus of their attention...HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVEY...

sending sweet thoughts to you, Sherry...thank you for sharing the pics of your cute little guy...

Sus: You crack me up...pants on inside out...I am sure we all have such stories...especially now...but my best one was when we lived in Italy in 1985-87...five of us, including me and hubby, and then Davis came along. On our way out each morning to our jobs and the kids to school, we used to bring Davis downstairs to the landlady for the day and she and her two daughters "mothered" him all day...usually we were in a hurry because we all rode together to the base, which was 11 miles away. Everyone else, as usual, was already in the car and I was taking DAvis to the landlady...these people, due to our many inept but honest effort attempts at speaking Italian, already thought we were at least half way to nuts, so not much surprised them. That is likely why, when I slid into the car and felt cold on my legs and looked down and saw that I was wearing only my slip---no skirt...they had not said anything to me about it...I am sure they still remember that!

Yes, Betty, Damon is the creator of that cute little word...

The picture of Jamie at the anchor on the pier really is such a delight...he does look so happy, and he was very happy that day. The tears and anxiety come like a thunderbolt sometimes, from a clear blue sky, which is why it makes it so much more important that we get to the heart of this and help him...and recognize them when they come, as a true show of his feelings, not something that he needs to "man up" over. I hope I didn't make his dad out to be an ogre; he truly isn't. He does love Jamie and has taken care of him since he was an infant. I just think that he just honestly thinks he is doing the "right thing." Fortunately, Cathi stays on top of it and tries to let him know when he needs to rethink his handling of a situation. Of course, he doesn't always agree.

Betsy, I am proud of you, too. And Kathy, so glad things went well for your last weekend at the beach.

Rhonda, I am glad also that hubby is returning tonight...I like to be alone sometimes, but hate to be "left alone."

Dee: You are a beautiful, lovely gazelle...and your wonderful words offer more grace to the world than any "body" ever could!

Trud: Holding you close, sending prayers for strength and peace.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

First lot of tests down, one more to go.

Sus - Can't tell you the number of times I've been out with tags flapping and buttons out of kilter with not one person who would tell me about it. As for the Crocodiles, well it was more the White Pointers and the rips that take you out to sea while you sit and make sand castles. (lol) I should be so lucky!!

Sherry - Thinking of Davey today. The pictures of our kids as young children are so valuable to us. One handsome boy from the beginning.

Ice skating in NYC, must put that on my Bucket List. Have seen it in movies etc...but I think its nothing like being there.

Trying a new convection oven (on the bench top) before I take it to the beach......wish me luck.

C ya - Trudi

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

Carol, what sweet words, thanks and Betty, it has been about 3 years since I last visited NYC. My husband and I were there twice a year for furniture shows/housewares as he was a shop owner back when I met him, a small furniture shop. I met him there, and I loved the shop, wish he still had it. Oh well, wishes are just that.

Love to all, busy day ahead and my mind is in a bit of a fog, a bit of blues hitting me.

Love to all,

dee

love the tags on clothing, have done it more than I want to admit.

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[hotrod]

Welcome ShawnsMom

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious child Shawn. He sounds like a young man who really loved life, with many dreams and just married. My son Stephen passed 3 years ago and was, like Shawn my reason for living. I too had made a pact with God about my son. Anything else I could handle and did so I truly thought I was in for clear sailing and then it hit. He passed away in his sleep and I am /was so very lost and angry. I understand how your second son feels. I found this site over a year after I lost him and I was still very lost.

Here is where I began to heal and reach acceptance and find some joy again. You have found a wonderful safe place to share and connect with parents who have experienced the worst possible nightmare.

Please keep coming back post a picture and tell us more of this wonderful child

Dee sounds as if you had a great time in NYC Hope your day goes well today. I too am a bit sad today No doubt a let down from my trip and getting into the new Fall routine.

Trudie and Carol You are both in my prayers.

Sue and Carol loved the stories of mis dressing Will share mine tonight

Stay well Indigos

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[heartbeataway]

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ Happy Birthday Davey ! ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

[heartbeataway]

Shawn'smom,

Wow, two weeks ...... you are so early on this journey. Bless your broken heart! I am so sorry!

I wish I could grant you the peace of understanding but there is no such peace. We will never understand.

At this point, I would suggest you rest in your thoughts and your brokenness. You have to give yourself time to absorb the changes in your world. Try to sleep, eat, hydrate.

Don't make any drastic changes, don't ask too much or yourself or anyone else. Your world is reeling and you may not even understand how drastically at this point.

We look forward to learning more about Shawn. Please introduce us.

I repeat this to all new parents who join us ...... pour out your heart with your keyboard and we will be hear listening with our eyes and responding with our also broken hearts.

Our son, Jason, died suddenly in April, 2007. He was diagnosed upon autopsy with ARVD/C ..... a form of genetic heart disease. His first manifestation was his sudden death. Jason was my only child, our only son. NOTHING in our life remained the same ...... but, I can tell you that the pain of his loss has gotten softer. It does get softer with time. Doesn't go away just gets softer.

I describe the loss of our son as the "background noise" in my life. Sometimes it gets so loud that it drowns out everything and everyone .......

Only I hear it so others may not understand the distraction it brings. That's okay ......... I come here and find understanding with fellow indigos. I find big hearts, ears of understanding, a sounding board on dark days and huge arms to catch me when I fall into the black hole of grief.

Welcome, in such a sad way, to the best place around for grieving parents .......

Love!

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[daniellemom]

Karen - What a handsome youngman Shawn is. I'm so sorry for your loss but you have found a group of people that will for most of us are like family and we never get tired of hearing about your Shawn or your life. This is a place you can pour your heart out and scream and holler all you want and you will not upset any one. We are here for each other. I lost my daughter Danielle she was 21 on Oct 11, 2007 and this place safed my life, I thought I was going crazy but the women and men here let me know I was just becoming a new normal.

Sherry - HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVEY!!! May you dance and celebrate your birthday with all of our wonderful children! Sherry my thoughts and prayers are with you today.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[aviemare]

POSTED ON MY FACEBOOK on September 27, 2010

On October 2nd of this year it will be 6 months since Nicole died. The loss and the finality of her leaving has been a terrible monster lurking in the darkest part of my dreams.

After a few months, people stop asking about your dead child. There are two reasons for this, I think. The first one is that they are afraid to "open a wound" and afraid of what will happen if you start crying in front of them. They are not willing or able to deal with the raw agony of a parent, especially a mother, who has lost a child. So they stay silent and go about their business as if this thing; this abomination, has not happened. The other reason is that the loss has not really affected their own lives and they simply go on as we all must do.

Death in our society is not easy to think about, much less talk about. And so a mother copes with her loss the best she can and wraps her pain in a shroud that was her baby's blanket. She carries that blanket with her everywhere even though most cannot or will not see it. Nobody stops to ask about her baby. The cooing and OOHS and AHHHS are reserved exclusively for a living child. The dead are unseen and unheard, and as as such they cease to exist, even for other family members sometimes.

Yet, most mothers WANT to talk about their children. Yes, the tears will flow but at least when they do the river carries some of the poison away from the heart and gives it vital life again. When tears are repressed a soul becomes toxic and eventually ceases to live, merely inhabiting it's host body until such time as it leaves it's shell and moves on.

HOW TO HELP THE BEREAVED 101

So how can people truly "be there" for a grieving person? The first thing is to find the courage to endure the tears and then the compassion to listen to the memories. If a person is crying uncontrollably, a simple hug or hand on the shoulder until they compose themselves is enough. When the grieving person quiets, ask them to tell you a favorite memory of their loved one. Tell them you were thinking of their loss (and possibly your own) just the other day if it's true. Talk to them and most of all LISTEN. You don't have to "fix" anything. It's already broken beyond repair. A kind shoulder or ear means more than anything else. Don't be afraid of the dead and those they leave behind, for it is a path we all must take. It may seem like the grieving person never stops crying and talking about their loved one, but the more you let them cry and talk, the faster they will be able to finally move on to regular conversation.

When a bereaved person starts talking about their loss, one of the most common things people do is start comparing their own losses to that of the mourner. If you value the relationship and truly don't wish to inflict pain, than NEVER DO THAT. Save the stories of your loss for a time that is less emotional. Right now it's NOT about you. It's about the bereaved. Some things to NEVER SAY: (and yes, I've heard all of them)

"I know just how you feel!"

You don't. Believe me. Even if you lost a child yourself, you do NOT know just how another feels. Don't even go there.

"It was God's Will."

No, it wasn't. God does not will death and pain. It is the Human Condition and the Circle of Life. We are born. We live. We die. God does not sit up in Heaven with a clipboard checking off names of who is gonna get bumped off on any given day.

"It's better this way." Even if a person was ill until they died, death for the bereaved is never better, even if it is a mercy for the dead.

"God needed another Angel." No. God did not need another Angel any more than a mother needs her dead child or a person needs their dead loved one. Angels are beings who have never incarnated on Earth. Therefore, it' a mute point and very unhelpful to the bereaved.

"You just need to accept it."

A mother will NEVER EVER accept the death of her child. She will never forget, she will never move on, and she will never "get over it." If she is lucky, she will learn to live in SPITE of her great loss and find some joy in life again. This may take many years. If you are not in it for the long haul, the relationship might not be salvaged. Many marriages are broken when a child die. Only the strongest survive. So it's easy to see why friendships are so fragile.

"Isn't it time you moved on?"

SEE ABOVE

"Just be grateful you have other children."

We are all grateful for our children, but the fact that we have others does not make up for the death of one for each on is a separate soul we have nurtured and loved. Look at your children if you have them, and then try to pick one who dies and imagine someone telling you that you should be grateful the others didn't die. That is how a lost mother feels. It's a cruel, cruel thing to say.

"You can have more kids!"

SEE ABOVE

WHAT YOU CAN SAY TO MAKE THE BEREAVED FEEL BETTER. It's so very very easy. Much easier than useless platitudes.

"I'm so very sorry for your loss. Can I help in any way?"

Be ready to actually help if they say yes. If you really can't help omit the second part and just say your are sorry for their loss.

"May I hug you?"

I hate hugs. Many people love them and need them. Always ask and you will know the right thing to do.

"You and your family are in my prayers."

Say a prayer for the bereaved. They really, really need it.

"I will light a candle for (name) and let it burn until it is gone and (name) has found his/her way home.

I lit a candle for my little girl Nicole and let it burn through the night. Every Friday I light candles at her alter for she died on a Friday. The second day of every month I light a small candle and let it burn all the way down into the evening.

IN LIEU OF EXPENSIVE FLOWERS:

"I would like to donate to your expenses instead of buying flowers. Is this ok with you? (Only for those who really want to do this)

A Godsend for those who are financially strapped. Flowers are expensive and they die. There has been enough death. The cost of those flowers can often feed a family for a few days or more, when nobody is able to cook.

"I would like to give $XXX in memory of (insert name of deceased) to his/her favorite charity. Often this is the foundation charity of the disease that killed the person, but there are many animal lovers out there that would have loved a few dollars donated in their name to help out rescued dogs, cats, horses, or any of God's creatures needing help.

"I would like to volunteer X number of hours in a way that (name) would have loved!"

Reading to nursing home residents, assisting at an animal shelter, buying a hot meal for a homeless person...they are all touching and valuable lessons that we all can learn from and would mean the world to the bereaved.

"I would like to hire a maid for you when you are ready to help you keep up on housework."

Another Godsend. My house still isn't in order. Some days I look at it and feel so overwhelmed that I just pull the covers over my head. But in the end, when it is neat and clean and orderly, my life feels more orderly and I am more comforted.

Any helpful thing you can think of will be appreciated, even if the bereaved is not able to thank you at the time.

The above is not easy. It takes a lot of guts and love to learn to live with the grief of another, but I tell you, your rewards will be great and the life lessons and wisdom you gain will propel you to the next level of understanding what this world is all about: Compassion, Gratitude, Wisdom, Peace, and perhaps most importantly of all, God's Grace.

Scherry Clarke

Mother to Nicole Clarke Seabold

02/06/1984 - 04/02/2010

[ModKonnie]

POSTED ON MY FACEBOOK on September 27, 2010

On October 2nd of this year it will be 6 months since Nicole died. The loss and the finality of her leaving has been a terrible monster lurking in the darkest part of my dreams.

After a few months, people stop asking about your dead child. There are two reasons for this, I think. The first one is that they are afraid to "open a wound" and afraid of what will happen if you start crying in front of them. They are not willing or able to deal with the raw agony of a parent, especially a mother, who has lost a child. So they stay silent and go about their business as if this thing; this abomination, has not happened. The other reason is that the loss has not really affected their own lives and they simply go on as we all must do.

Death in our society is not easy to think about, much less talk about. And so a mother copes with her loss the best she can and wraps her pain in a shroud that was her baby's blanket. She carries that blanket with her everywhere even though most cannot or will not see it. Nobody stops to ask about her baby. The cooing and OOHS and AHHHS are reserved exclusively for a living child. The dead are unseen and unheard, and as as such they cease to exist, even for other family members sometimes.

Yet, most mothers WANT to talk about their children. Yes, the tears will flow but at least when they do the river carries some of the poison away from the heart and gives it vital life again. When tears are repressed a soul becomes toxic and eventually ceases to live, merely inhabiting it's host body until such time as it leaves it's shell and moves on.

HOW TO HELP THE BEREAVED 101

So how can people truly "be there" for a grieving person? The first thing is to find the courage to endure the tears and then the compassion to listen to the memories. If a person is crying uncontrollably, a simple hug or hand on the shoulder until they compose themselves is enough. When the grieving person quiets, ask them to tell you a favorite memory of their loved one. Tell them you were thinking of their loss (and possibly your own) just the other day if it's true. Talk to them and most of all LISTEN. You don't have to "fix" anything. It's already broken beyond repair. A kind shoulder or ear means more than anything else. Don't be afraid of the dead and those they leave behind, for it is a path we all must take. It may seem like the grieving person never stops crying and talking about their loved one, but the more you let them cry and talk, the faster they will be able to finally move on to regular conversation.

When a bereaved person starts talking about their loss, one of the most common things people do is start comparing their own losses to that of the mourner. If you value the relationship and truly don't wish to inflict pain, than NEVER DO THAT. Save the stories of your loss for a time that is less emotional. Right now it's NOT about you. It's about the bereaved. Some things to NEVER SAY: (and yes, I've heard all of them)

"I know just how you feel!"

You don't. Believe me. Even if you lost a child yourself, you do NOT know just how another feels. Don't even go there.

"It was God's Will."

No, it wasn't. God does not will death and pain. It is the Human Condition and the Circle of Life. We are born. We live. We die. God does not sit up in Heaven with a clipboard checking off names of who is gonna get bumped off on any given day.

"It's better this way." Even if a person was ill until they died, death for the bereaved is never better, even if it is a mercy for the dead.

"God needed another Angel." No. God did not need another Angel any more than a mother needs her dead child or a person needs their dead loved one. Angels are beings who have never incarnated on Earth. Therefore, it' a mute point and very unhelpful to the bereaved.

"You just need to accept it."

A mother will NEVER EVER accept the death of her child. She will never forget, she will never move on, and she will never "get over it." If she is lucky, she will learn to live in SPITE of her great loss and find some joy in life again. This may take many years. If you are not in it for the long haul, the relationship might not be salvaged. Many marriages are broken when a child die. Only the strongest survive. So it's easy to see why friendships are so fragile.

"Isn't it time you moved on?"

SEE ABOVE

"Just be grateful you have other children."

We are all grateful for our children, but the fact that we have others does not make up for the death of one for each on is a separate soul we have nurtured and loved. Look at your children if you have them, and then try to pick one who dies and imagine someone telling you that you should be grateful the others didn't die. That is how a lost mother feels. It's a cruel, cruel thing to say.

"You can have more kids!"

SEE ABOVE

WHAT YOU CAN SAY TO MAKE THE BEREAVED FEEL BETTER. It's so very very easy. Much easier than useless platitudes.

"I'm so very sorry for your loss. Can I help in any way?"

Be ready to actually help if they say yes. If you really can't help omit the second part and just say your are sorry for their loss.

"May I hug you?"

I hate hugs. Many people love them and need them. Always ask and you will know the right thing to do.

"You and your family are in my prayers."

Say a prayer for the bereaved. They really, really need it.

"I will light a candle for (name) and let it burn until it is gone and (name) has found his/her way home.

I lit a candle for my little girl Nicole and let it burn through the night. Every Friday I light candles at her alter for she died on a Friday. The second day of every month I light a small candle and let it burn all the way down into the evening.

IN LIEU OF EXPENSIVE FLOWERS:

"I would like to donate to your expenses instead of buying flowers. Is this ok with you? (Only for those who really want to do this)

A Godsend for those who are financially strapped. Flowers are expensive and they die. There has been enough death. The cost of those flowers can often feed a family for a few days or more, when nobody is able to cook.

"I would like to give $XXX in memory of (insert name of deceased) to his/her favorite charity. Often this is the foundation charity of the disease that killed the person, but there are many animal lovers out there that would have loved a few dollars donated in their name to help out rescued dogs, cats, horses, or any of God's creatures needing help.

"I would like to volunteer X number of hours in a way that (name) would have loved!"

Reading to nursing home residents, assisting at an animal shelter, buying a hot meal for a homeless person...they are all touching and valuable lessons that we all can learn from and would mean the world to the bereaved.

"I would like to hire a maid for you when you are ready to help you keep up on housework."

Another Godsend. My house still isn't in order. Some days I look at it and feel so overwhelmed that I just pull the covers over my head. But in the end, when it is neat and clean and orderly, my life feels more orderly and I am more comforted.

Any helpful thing you can think of will be appreciated, even if the bereaved is not able to thank you at the time.

The above is not easy. It takes a lot of guts and love to learn to live with the grief of another, but I tell you, your rewards will be great and the life lessons and wisdom you gain will propel you to the next level of understanding what this world is all about: Compassion, Gratitude, Wisdom, Peace, and perhaps most importantly of all, God's Grace.

Scherry Clarke

Mother to Nicole Clarke Seabold

02/06/1984 - 04/02/2010

Scherry,

What an incredible post. Really. You've given us all some sage advice. Many times people honestly just don't know how to act or what to say. It's easier to pretend that everything is okay, but we know it isn't, but we can't cope with other people's grief. You are very right about that.

We need to be more open in our culture about death and dying and how to appropriately respond and act when confronted with others' grief and loss. Instead, we are "hush" "hush" because it's an uncomfortable topic many of us hve not been educated about in any way.

We should do better.

ModKonnie

[summergirl]

Scherry - thank you so much for sharing those words with us - absolutely so true...I have printed it out will have it framed - sure can use it just about every other day !!!

Karen - Welcome to the site where no one wants to be but are so very happy we have found it. I am so sorry about your son Shawn. You are so very early on this journey - it brings me back to those moments in my life - whenever some one knew arrives here I am always thrown backwards to how I felt at that stage and it amazes me how far I have come. I look forward to hearing so much more about your Shawn, your other son and also about you.....Here you wil not be deserted, no one will turn away from you, no one will forget your Shawn and you can say whatever you want to say.... We lost our daughter Jessica, age 26, on Feb 18, 2006 from ARVD. Very unexpected and like all others nothing we ever dreamed would happen to us.....Jessica left behind a 4 year old son named Tavian and we have full custody of him......he is now 8 and a half and you will come to know him as I speak often of him. Losing Jessica has altered our lives forever, nothing will ever be the same but we are survivors and life has a way of moving forward and we go with it, just different now. Not a day goes by that my heart does not ache for my Jessica but it has become softer.....

Suz - no worries my friend I have the "uglies" too and sometimes I just want to hit someone and "Weezer" is never around !!! I have not yet figured out "my friend" but am not going to bother to....like I said it will never be the same no matter what, it will be over completely or it will be better then it was...I have a feeling that it just will never be the same. So you had your pants on inside out huh ??? Here is mine - got up early (kids were like 6 and 3 years) and I decided to run to the store quickly while they were still asleep and home with Barry......pulled on my jeans from the day before, a t-shirt and flip-flops and went shopping......came home and Barry said "what is hanging out of the bottom of your jeans" - I look down and there are my "underwear" from the day before hanging out for all to see Either no one noticed or they were to busy laughing to say anything !!!! My other one - remember the days when we wore "tube tops" ?? Well, I had on a white one with a cute no button little jacket....went to town to the store and remember thinking it felt awful chilly in the store....came outside to get in my car and looked down and there was the tube top not where it should be....it was down around my waist and not covering what it should have !!! I still cannot believe I could actually walk around the store like that and not notice !!! Thanks for the laughs and "crazy memories"....

Well, I do not know what happened after camping but Barry and Tavian both home sick today and I felt terrible too but had to go to work.....they are both feeling much better but I am now laying in my bed.....sore throat, a bit achey but still moving on. It was crazy as it all seemed to hit the 3 of us during the night....hopefully all will be up and ready to go tomorrow. I think mine may be allergies, bad time of year and I worked outside yesterday for a few hours....

Well, it looks like we may get the house I wanted after all - they think it will be to hard to sell with the way things are going so they would rather rent it and have money coming in, plus the house needs to be lived in.....so your prayers are working. I am excited but waiting for the final yes before I get really excited.....a much bigger house.....so good for us and Tavian....

I am thinking of you Trudi my friend....good thoughts and many prayers...

I will say good night and try to get some rest.....love, peace and prayers....Kathy

[ericasmom]

Right On Scherry, well said at every turn. I have long complained that we do not teach about illness and death in this culture, even before Erz died, thinking that we treat it the way we used to treat sex abuse of children, keep it hidden, when in fact, death is all part of it. If we taught more about the what grief is, what different cultures do when people die, and how do people keep the loved one alive in their hearts, then perhaps we would not fear death as we do, and maybe then, folks would know how to genuinely offer their condolences and care and help.

the one verbal response I hated most after ERi died was: I couldn't get near your pain, it was so huge and so I did not come to the funeral.

ICKY person.

The other thing said that shows folks have no idea: At least you still have Jonathan.

Well yes I do, I have a beautiful heartbroken, no shattered, Son who still 7 years later feels guilty for having asked ERi to live in Michigan with he and friends. I have a Son who is unable to some days feel the sun on his face or the wind in his hair because he has dealt with PTSD since she died. He is also unable to go to sleep at any normal hour since Erica was killed. I have a Son whose Daddy died from leukemia 5 years after Eri died, and I do believe his illness began with the loss of our little girl. I am forever grateful for my Son, and I am aching for him everyday as well.

Karen, Shawn is a beauty of a Boy/Man. I am as the others have said, so sorry that you find yourself at this place, but I echo what they have also said, it is one great place once you need a support system. We truly get it. WE truly wish nobody ever had to.

ERi was born on April 4th, 1984, just two months younger than your Girl Scherry. Erica was killed on July 14, 2003 when her car was struck by an Amtrak going through Kalamazoo Michigan, between two campuses, at a broken crossing. Broken and Known to AMTRAK and the town government for 11 months, just not made known or made safe for the people who lived there. Eri lived there with my Son, Jon, and they were kind of going to school, and mostly not. I live in Chicagoland, so it was a horrid two and a half hour trip to the hospital where she lived for 6 days, never awake, but she lived long enough for her friends and family to travel from everywhere they were to say goodbye. I am grateful for that as she was the gatherer of people right to the end of her days here.

Do take good care of yourself please. WE have all been in that horrid spot you are in and we know how long a day or night can seem. Stay hydrated as tears tend to deplete your supply and we don't often notice that we are thirsty when we are in such deep sadness. Eat some little high proteing meals in order to get from today to tomorrow. As Bonnie said, don't try to do too much or expect too much from yourself or others also grieving. Be kind to the woman you are, the Momma that Shawn loves for all time.

Betty, I think I made it sound like I met John in NYC, no, he had his shop here and we went to NYC often. I love your fair city, love it. Have not been in quite some time, but maybe one day you and I will skate at Rockefeller. FUN.

I am in a funk too, don't know what is up with it but having a hard time pulling myself out. Hang on and get outside as much as you can, maybe the fresh air will help, but the lack of late in the day sunlight throws me off.

[daveydow1]

THANKS TO EACH AND EVERY ONE........For the kind and heartfelt words and greetings for DAVE'S BIRTHDAY. You guys are the best.!!!!!!

Betsy----Yes....I agree that it is easier said than done......you are so right.

Shawnsmom....Karen------I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Shawn. I am Sherry, and I have been on this site,

along with Dee, for 7 yrs. I, too, was lost when I came on, and only read posts for almost a year before actually posting

my own story. It has been a lifeline for me. My son, David, age 31 and single was killed in a highway crash in 2003. My

baby girl, Lisa, died at 6 mo. of age years ago. I hope that you can come back to BI and read/post as you can. Many of those

who helped me in the beginning may not be on BI anymore, but help is always here whatever the stage on this sad journey

we are on. This is so very new for you with only 2 weeks gone by since your tragic loss. Please come back to BI. Peace to you.

Betty-----Yes, I know how it can be with family. Sometimes some of them can be a real challenge. How insensitive of those

who complained to you about Stephen's obit. I keep to myself most of the time.....for me,.....it's easier, so I take the easy

road. I guess that sounds a bit crazy, but that's how it is with me.

Dee----Hoping that your 'blues' have lifted a bit. Man, this road sure can have bumps and curves to throw us off. Weather here

was gloomy & rainy all day. I stayed in most of the day and watched old movies on TCM. Peace & comfort, friend.

Dan------thanks so much for the lovely graphic greeting for Dave's birthday.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOES.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Dee-------Oh, I've heard that dreadful excuse......"couldn't come to the funeral.....your pain was too huge......blah, blah, blah". I also

heard words to that effect. One clod said "Yeah, I read about it in the paper.".......(end of his words....nothing else.) I could not

believe it at the time. That person too is ICKY. What were we supposed to say to remarks like that??? OH well.....clods will always

be clods. .

[briansdad]

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[ericasmom]

Morning All, I am just in from a walk before school and I want to just give you all a hug and a Good Day.

Greg, thanks for the music starting my day, SHINE on Angels, we are guided by your lights.

dee

[briansdad]

Sonya - Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so truly sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter, Danielle. I've only been on this site a couple of days and already I know what a beautiful place it is.

Scherry - Thank you so much for your words and your post on the lesson on helping the bereaved, I also took a copy; I think many could use it. My heart also aches for the loss of your daughter Nicole.

Kathy - Thank you too for your warm welcome and kind words. So true, it is very early, I guess we reach out in desperation looking for some hope things may get better. This place, and all of you, have already given me more solace than many of my family and friends. I'm so sorry to hear of your daughter, Jessica. It's so nice you have Tavian and I look forward to hearing about them both.

Dee - I'm also so sorry of the loss of your daughter, Erica, your son's dad, and for his pain; I can't stand how this makes us feel so helpless to console our other child, or children. I guess they have a pain we don't understand as well but it's so incredibly hard for us to not want to wrap them up and hide them away from any more pain. I can only imagine what your trip must have been like. Most of that trip for me was a blur; thankfully I had a friend here to pick me up off the floor and drive me a half an hour away. Most of it is still a blur quite honestly. Thank you too for your kind words and advice. When people show up they tend to bring food so I do try to eat and am very grateful for it as the thought of going to the market is far too much right now.

Sherri - Thank you too for reaching out. I am so sad to hear of the loss your two beautiful children Lisa and David. I'm sorry I just missed his birthday but would like to send a happy belated birthday wish to David. I will continue to come here; it's so nice to have a warm and welcoming place.

Thank you again to everyone here it really means the world to me. I'm not certain what the days ahead will bring but I'm certain this is a place I will continue to return. I look forward to getting to know everyone here and hearing more about your children and your journeys. Again thank you all, I think I may get a little sleep tonight. <3 Karen

Here is a link I send to many of our new people

http://www.bpusastl.org/images/IN-THE-BEGINNING-09-20-10.pdf

[heartbeataway]

Well, it looks like we may get the house I wanted after all - they think it will be to hard to sell with the way things are going so they would rather rent it and have money coming in, plus the house needs to be lived in.....so your prayers are working. I am excited but waiting for the final yes before I get really excited.....a much bigger house.....so good for us and Tavian....

Kathy -

Good news! Maybe you could rent the house with an option to buy ...... the one with all the right rooms? That might be perfect!? Is this the house that will require Tavian to change schools? If you could buy eventually it would keep him from another possible change.

Things have a way of working out, eh??

Yeah!

[heartbeataway]

The other thing said that shows folks have no idea: At least you still have Jonathan.

Well yes I do, I have a beautiful heartbroken, no shattered, Son who still 7 years later feels guilty for having asked ERi to live in Michigan with he and friends. I have a Son who is unable to some days feel the sun on his face or the wind in his hair because he has dealt with PTSD since she died. He is also unable to go to sleep at any normal hour since Erica was killed. I have a Son whose Daddy died from leukemia 5 years after Eri died, and I do believe his illness began with the loss of our little girl. I am forever grateful for my Son, and I am aching for him everyday as well.

Dee .....

When I read these words, I could fill how full your heart is for Jonathan. I think he's extremely fortunate to have a momma who understands. As his history slowly died before his eyes, he had you and he has John to show him that life goes on.

You hold him close to your heart even when he's not aware ......... such a deep, providing love!

[heartbeataway]

Greg,

First time I've heard this song ..... very nice! Thank you!

[Guest msnher]

I was reading each post this morning when I realized I wasn't retaining any information. Cloudy brain syndrome....

I do want to say hello to Shawn's mom. I'm so sorry you have reason to be here, but so glad you found us. I will read more of what you're written when my brain clears a bit. Hang on. There are wise people on this board whose words saved my life. My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, died from injuries sustained in an ATV accident on 8-9-09. My husband and I are raising her 3 young children. At two weeks I was still pretty numb and in shock. Barely able to function, I did the best I could each day.....sometimes my best was sitting in my grieving chair....a bigger oversized recliner I bought for my husband. I got squatter's rights when Steph died. Anyway, I offer you the saddest of welcomes.

OMG Kathy! I laughed out loud! Did your little jacket cover your "girls" or did you walk through the store totally exposed? I've put jeans on from the night before and had a sock hanging out the bottom... And, Carol's slip. Was it Carol? going out in just a slip. Of course today you would be thought to be stylin'....

I wasn't upset at the people who didn't come to Steph's funeral. One of my dearest friends didn't come because the pain was too intense for him. However, he came by the house each day and checked on us and brought lots of food...he's a good cook. I had threatened to make a huge scene if Stephanie's biological father came. I would have announced to everyone there what he did to her (molested her) and so he and his family didn't come.

I get more upset when people say stupid things to you guys than when it's said to me. Except when they say nothing or just blow off the news.......that's the only time I got fighting mad.

God bless the stupid people for they know not that they're stupid.

Gonna down some coffee and get the kiddo's up for school.....

A-16 Everyone!!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

I wanted to share what my brain was doing yesterday...............this at 13 months since my daughter died.

As I painted the living room and ran errands my thoughts kept randomly announcing to myself that Stephanie's dead. I tried to wrap my head around it. A couple of times it felt like "Really?" Maybe that's how people felt when Columbus delivered the news the world was round.

It was kind of weird, actually. Sometimes the toughts came in rapid succession...."Stephanie's dead. Stephanie's dead. Stephanie's dead." I stayed busy the whole while insanity seemed to take hold. I tried to force myself back into the ER room where I last saw her body, but my brain wouldn't allow me to really enter. It's like a movie I saw once but can't quite remember the plot. I find that quite interesting because for months after Stephanie died I couldn't leave that room. My brain was there every second of every day.

I also tried to remember exactly what I was doing one year ago on this date. Don't know. It's a blur. Sitting in my grieving chair, I imagine. Showing up when I had to. Ms Vanity herself, I had quit wearing makeup altogether. Why bother? I just cried it off. I did manage to brush my teeth every day..........that was difficult in and of itself. Gary had basically become a single father to Stephanie's children, now our adopted children. He got them up, fed and dressed for school. I pulled myself out of bed to drive them to school.

There is still a hint of anger below the surface about it all. I'm still angry with Stephanie and I'm so terribly guilty. I also feel guilty because I'm relieved we have her children. Their nightmares at the hands of others are over............

Well, anyway.............it's just my brain............I rarely cry anymore. I stay very busy....

That's what the 13 1/2 month mark feels like for me. It's very different from a year ago, but very similar. Odd

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[rlolheiser]

I haven't been online for a few days. I came back to 5 pages.. wow... my mind has a hard time with one or two :-)..

First of all I want to wish Davey a belated Happy Birthday.. and hugs to you Sherry.. hoping that you felt his love even more than normal.

Everybody here has been sickly. I have spent 3 days at the ER with my daughter.. she has not been well for some time, since the cancer last year. I think it is ok yet, but they can't find out what is causing her pains. The baby was sick along with my grandaughter.. it is called lets pass this stuff back and forth. Mom still isn't well, I worry about her, the dr. took her off of some of her water pills. She is swelling up with fluid again, the dr. said just watch and see what happens, she has more blood work on tuesday next week.

Sunday was my son's birthday, he turned 7 and I had a huge party for him. It was kind of nice, but for some reason things reminded me of JaBoa. I had to fight to keep it together. Maybe she was just telling me she was there with the rest of the kids. The party lasted way to long, people didn't want to go home.. it started at 1 pm and finally got rid of everyone by 7 pm. I dont' mean to sound ungrateful, but I was ready for the party to be over by 3 :-).. guess I am not a party person.

Yesterday we had more drama, but I think it was the best thing that could happen. My daughter's boyfriend was really bad, and calling my daughter. He told her that he had just beat up his girlfriend and was on his way out to the farm to take care of things here. She was frightened enough to tell me to call the sheriff, while the boyfriend was on his way out here, the cop was too... and it scared off the boyfriend. The cop said he saw the car my daughter had described.. sadly he didn't get close enough to the farm so they weren't arresting him. I sure hope something happens soon. I watch out my window all the time now.. I dont' trust him, but there haven't been anymore phone calls.. and my daughter seems more at peace that the calls are done.. that she is done.. at least I pray it is that way.

I sadly welcome you Karen to this site. I know Shawn will always be with you in your heart, it is hard to deal with. I know this site has gotten me through a lot of tough spots.. in all parts of my life. I would probably be comitted in a nut house without it.

Kathy, I pray you get your house.. I know it would give you peace of mind that you need so badly.

well.. this is getting long.. I will let you all go with words.. Thanks for being here.. for sharing your lives with me.

[kmb22]

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[westleysmom]

"I just can't imagine" and "I could NEVER handle this". As all of you most likely feel...I never for a moment thought I would be here. I surely trusted God knew this was the one thing I just couldn't handle. I made a deal with him long ago that, though I may complain about it, I would handle anything he put in my path but had to insist one thing in return, for him never take my children away as they were truly all I had. Until September 9th, I thought we had a deal. I try to not be angry but I struggle with statements like "it's God's will", "he must have needed him more", and "he only takes the good ones". Though then I hear "God didn't do this". Which is it? I can't focus too much on that as it will just make me crazier than I already feel. -Karen

Karen-I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your son Shawn. My 20 year old son Westley died January 13, 6 days before he would have been 21. He died in his sleep at a friends house. I wasn't there, I didn't save him and I can't imagine for the life of me why this happened. I guess I thought God and I had a deal too; evidently I was mistaken. I found BI in June and started posting in July, and it has really been a lifesaver for me. I hesitate to say it saved my sanity, which was overrated to begin with, because I may be crazy, or as Susannah says, pleasantly, clinically insane. But I'm learning to live with it, slowly, one step forward and three steps back. I haven't much to offer you, but having someone who will listen to you without judging ISN'T overrated. And that's what you've found here, my dear friend. Everyone here is dear to me, we may never meet in this lifetime, but our hearts are forever bound together by our grief, and our concern for each other and our love for those children that we've lost, and the ones we still have. My so-called faith has suffered a tremendous blow, and I hope it will recover, but it hasn't yet, by the way. That is also hard for me to admit almost anywhere but here. I don't want to lead anyone astray, but I know everyone here understands the questioning and has to deal with it themselves, in their own way.

You all are killing me with the half dressed stories. I don't know why its so funny, but it is.

Leah-Glad to see you back and sorry to hear the crazy boyfriend is still around and crazier than ever. Birthdays are very hard for me too. Sorry to hear your Mom and daughter aren't doing too well. Your plate is too full, try to take a little time out for you if you get a chance.

Susannah-I was going to ask about the home improvements, but didn't want you to think I thought you should be doing anymore. You're really on a roll. But like you its when I'm doing something that leaves my mind free to wander, I think in a circle-"he's gone, its over, there's nothing more you can do, you failed" or something like that. Sometimes I feel like I'm still failing, I'm not doing as good as I should, I'm not getting as much done as I could, all of that. I'm still going to work almost every day (took off yesterday because my husband didn't get home until o'dark thirty yesterday morning, and I hadn't been in the same zip code with him for about 2 weeks) Some days I eat right, and work out, and some days I can barely breathe. While he was gone, I felt so lost, like I had no purpose and it was really hard. He holds me together. Is it wrong to lean on someone so much, or is it to be expected? I didn't lay in the bed with the covers pulled over my head the whole time, but it did occur to me. Anger is also with me these days and hard to conceal sometimes. You know when people worry about stupid **** that doesn't mean a hill of beans? And you want to say, well, guess what, I'll never see my child again, so I don't care about your stupid ****. That kind of anger has been my constant companion lately. Sorry to hear you're in the dark place too.

Dee-I guess I'd never put it together that Jonathan feels responsible for Eri. I'm so sorry he is still struggling with that and the loss of his dad too. For some reason, I guess I was thinking when there is an obvious culprit in death, like a broken train crossing, or drunk driver, or heart condition, that it must be easier to accept that there was nothing you could do, that it was always out of your hands. Since the cause of Westley's death was that he mixed alcohol and prescription drugs, which I should have taught him better than to do, and since he did it, must not have done a very good job, I have felt since the moment I knew that's what happened, like the only possible culprit. Does that make any sense?

Kathy-Great news on the house! Crossing my fingers that all works out.

Hoping you all are having a good day

[daveydow1]

Rhonda------I so know what you mean about thinking that you had a deal with God not to

take your children. After we lost little Lisa, we thought (at least subconsiously) that we

would not go through it again, but then Davey was killed years later. Yes, we do seem to

carry guilt with us because we always feel responsible for our children, no matter their age.

It's something each of us seem to wrestle with. I wish I knew something to say about that...

something that would make sense, but I am not that adept with the words and knowledge.

As far as stupid things people say..........I can't think of a good explaination for it either.

As people say....."they mean well", and most of them do, I guess. Others are just stupid

and clueless. I keep to myself a lot anymore. Can't seem to deal with all that, so they get

a break from my grief, and they are probably relieved. I keep very busy with all my projects,

reading, and gardening etc., and of course....coming on to the BI site where I have friends who

understand. I know this way is not for everyone, (keeping to oneself) and I'm not suggesting

that anyone adopt my method, but for me.....it works. Peace to you, friend.

Karen-----I'm glad that you found this site, and I'm glad that you will be coming back. It's the

best place to 'talk' and have those who truly understand your heartache. Thanks for your

kind words also. Peace & prayers to you, friend.

Leah----I'm glad that the calls from your daughter's crazy ex-boyfriend are becoming fewer. He

sounds so crazy and irrational. I hope & pray that he finally gives up, or gets arrested. I'm sorry

that you feel the need to always be looking out your window for signs that he may be around,

but I think that you are smart to be always vigilant, and aware of things. Oh, the birthday party

for your son must have been fun, but yikes......I guess you must have been so tired whenever all

the people finally left. I hope everyone in your family will be feeling better very soon. Take care.

Dee-------Also sending thoughts & prayers your way. I feel so sorry about Jon's guilt over ERi's death.

They must have been very close.....those two sweethearts of yours. Wish I knew what to say. I'm sorry.

I WISH PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY, AND GOOD SLEEP TONIGHT.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry