Loss of an Adult Child

[summergirl]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR FRIEND TRUDI.....

[summergirl]

Sonya - sure wish we could walk the beach together in the morning also - I will take you with my as I search for beach glass...I will write Danielle's name in the sand for you....

Trudi - beautiful pics.

Leah - sorry about your doggie, yes, kids are resilent aren't they....

Lorri - what a hoot - can't wait to see the pics of your pirate boat !!!

I have had a work filled day but thats what you do when you are taking a week off. Cannot wait to get the beach for camping..

So very tired so I will say good night....will catch up tomorrow night when I have had a bit of rest

To all indigo's - I am here, I am reading, I am thinking of you all.   Peace, love and strength, Kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

Been up to my elbows busy today, but popping in to say Happy Birthday Trudi. You'll be waking up soon to a new day, so I'm a little late. But HUGS anyway!!!

[summergirl]

Decided to share this tonight, it was posted here quite some time ago and I changed it just enough to fit me.....it is so very true and how I am feeling.

In February 2006, my husband and I became members of a very exclusive club. We had been only vaguely aware of its existance, and we thought that surely a club, in a town the size of ours, wouldn't have many members. 

We had seen a few people who belonged to this club but we didn't seem to have anything in common with them so we didn't really get to know them.  Now and then we read stories in the newspaper about new members being initiated into the club, but it didn't seem likely that we would ever be ones to join so we paid no attention.

The price of membership is so dear that we couldn't imagine being a part of the club. We must have realized in the backs of our minds that people didn't choose to join and pay the dues - it was done for them somehow.  In fact, no one really has any idea of how many members are selected.  There are alot of theories; but much of the time the theories come from non-members who don't understand much about the club.

The "Club" we are now in, althought it is not an organized group, is known as "Bereaved Parents".  The cost of our membership was the life of our daughter, and we, like all other members, have no idea why we were selected for membership.

No one wants to be in this club, even now, months afterwards, inside our hearts and minds we continue to fight membership, but there is no resigning from it, it is an automatic lifetime membership.  There was no way to avoid it - we did the best we could to keep our daughter safe - for 26 years we guided her through life, to have a good heart only to have her "good heart" stop beating.  Though we lay awake night after night and think of it day after day, there is no answer as to why we have been brought into this select group.  We hate it and we cry out in protest, but there is no way to change it.

We have learned a lot since our membership began, we now understand much about the other members, in fact, we seek to be with them, to have regular get-togethers, to discuss our membership and try to understand its value.

Sometimes those outside the club are afraid of us, fearing that if they come near us or talk with us, they will be selected to become members too!!  Friends, family, sometimes try to ignore the membership, pretending it doesn't exiist. They seem to think that will make things easier, and the "members" won't feel "different", but it only really makes things worse.

So many times I have wanted someone to say hello and to tell me they have been thinking of me or to mention something about my absent child who still lives inside of me and overshadows all my thoughts.  I have heard people say "I don't want to upset her. or remind her of her daughter, or say something that will make her cry".  I want to tell them:  "The only way you can make me feel worse than I already do is to pretend it doesn't exist or that it isn't as deep and painful as you surely know it is.

Have you ever experienced the feeling of having a terrible incident go through your mind day after day, week after week, month after month, wondering why it happened to you and how you could have prevented it?  Well, don't worry about reminding me of my daughter, I am thinking about her nearly twenty-four hours a day.

Sure, sometimes my mind is temporarily distracted - it would have to be too function at all.  But, if you think there is even one day that goes by without my child's death tearing at my heart then you have no idea what the "club" is all about.

I appriciate your talking about my child, or at least letting me talk about her, she was a very large part of my life and ignoring her now will really hurt me, it makes me think that you feel she is no longer important because she is gone.  It hurts to think that people don't want to think about her or remember good things about her just because she has died. 

I understand that you don't want to say anything that will make me cry, that sounds kind and I used to feel that way too, but now I know better.  I'd rather the tears didn't come when you talk to me because they may scare you away, or at least make you uncomfortable, but I have learned how useful and necessary they are.  If I go too long without tears my body builds up a terrible pressure from the pain of grief.  If you will allow me to cry in your presence perhaps I won't have to cry alone, wondering if anyone else remembers or even cares about my loss.

You can't know what will make me cry - sometimes I don't know myslef.  Some days I stay dry-eyed through nearly everything, other days the slightest thing will start the tears - things you could not possibly imagine or anticipate.  Not all the tears are tears of sorrow, even in the midst of my anguish I sometimes cry tears of joy and relief because you have reached out; because you have confirmed that my daughter was special; perhaps because you have shared with me some precious memory about her which I had not known before.

Please don't run away from me, don't pretend her death did not occur, or even worse, that she never lived !!  I still love her, think of her, need to remember.  Please share with me and we will both feel better.

I am learning that God is not punishing me, He did not cause the death of my child. But, He can help me grow through the experience - to become stronger and wiser amd more caring, IF I have some help.  Initially, when I was told by a club member that I would change and grow stronger through this experience I wanted to scream that if it meant giving up my daughter I didn't want to change or get stronger.  But, I  know I have no choice about that now - she is gone.  Now my choice is to either let God and friends help me to become better; or I can choose to allow this grief destroy me.    I have to experience the grief, I cannot pretend it doesn' t hurt or hurry it along -- that's what membership in this club is teaching me - I am allowing God to take an unspeakable experience and using it to start life again in a new and better way,,,,

 

 

[lolynbo]

WOW

[mikesmum]

Kathy - WOW is right.  Thank you for your beautiful tribute to my birthday..I love it.

In that last 'psych report' they said...."While the psychological injuries are obvious, her intellect remains".  Bit like having a brain in a jar.

 

[ericasmom]

Her intellect remains...

Wow! A brain in a jar, hardly, because what they don't get to see, and what you Trud, might not see, is that you are a nurturing, friendly, loving, bright, and engaging person, you are all of these and so much more, you are a whole person(though tiny) with a shattered heart, that can no longer do the work you used to do for such obvious reasons. AND it is amazing to me that it took them so long to figure it all out and still don't include in their final report that you are WHOLE!

Kath, thanks for sharing the CLUB. Wow, it is gorgeous and quite a tribute to all that carry their heart in pieces through this journey, thank you. Thanks for sharing it with us. I don't remember who first posted it, but I do appreciate seeing it again.

[lostwoher]

 Bit like having a brain in a jar -  I think mine would fit in a case with false teeth .

Thanks for sharing that Kathy- it is fitting.

Went to a Take Care Clinic again yesterday as my eyes are having a yucky drainage with alot of burning. I now have pink eye with a secondary infection from the allergic reaction from 2 weeks ago. I cannot figure out what Im allergic to. Now Im using eye drops, nasal drops, zyrtec and prednisone which means NO sleep for me. I look like an old woman who is just plain worn out. Yaaaaawn...

I was going to respond to some other posts but my brain wont allow me to function so much this morning. Do know that I think of you all often and hold you all in my heart as we travel the road less traveled.

Suppose to have decent weather again today ( positive note ) but humidity will prevail for the holiday weekend. Hope everyone has a safe and happy one! Sure wish I could be on the pirate ship . Anybody else have plans?

Col- are you back from the cruise yet?

xo,

Lynn

[Guest]

Trudi - So....they're saying you're not stupid?  I could have told you that.    By the way, Happy belated birthday!  I'm not stupid, either.......but, I've seriously never given much thought to the changes in seasons around the world.  I've just assumed if it's summer here, then it must be summer there.  It's odd to hear June mentioned as winter.  What are your summer months?  "brain in a jar".  I like that.  I might use it.

Carol - Thank you for posting "The Club" letter.  I might use that also.  I wonder if I could send it to the editor of our local newspaper...   who would I give credit to as the author? 

Have to cut this short, I'm being "beckoned" elsewhere... 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Yes Lynn, the pirate ship does sound like fun. LOrri, what a great idea.

Lynn, your brain in a false teeth box? Hilarious. I doubt it however. I know you must be miserable without sleep and eye issues, makes maneuvering through the day difficult.

We never make plans for the 4th, we watch the fireworks from our deck, some of the neighbors do as well, some years we end up with them or them with us. Long time ago, when my kids were little, we had a big party in our yard each 4th. Long time ago.

Love to all,

dee

[lolynbo]

WELL U GIRLS COME ON...I CAN MAKE ROOMMMM ARRRGGGGGGGG FOR MORE WENCHES.....FOUND ME A SWORD TODAY...ARRRGGGG AND A PIRATE SIGN...

JUST MISSIN MY GIRL SHE WOULD HAVE HAD SO MUCH FUN BEING A PIRATE...SHE WAS/IS ALOT OF FU WE LAUGHED ALOT...IM GLAD AND PROUD I CAN SAY..

WE LAUGHED MORE THEN WE CRIED 

[ericasmom]

RIGHT ON PIRATE MOM- you girls laughed more than you cried. and SHE will be there, you just won't see her, she'll be the Angel with the patch on her eye and the parrot on her shoulder...ARRRRGh.

[westleysmom]

Be sure to get pictures.  I've always wondered what Pirate's moms looked like.  I'm not sure what we're going to do this fourth.  It was always a big deal to go buy fireworks and one year, Westley wrecked his dad's truck on the third, in our driveway, no less.  There were fireworks, as you can imagine! So as I've been noticing, regular days are hard, but holidays are hell, at least for now.  So many memories and comparing this year to last or the year before.  We might try to get away for the weekend, just me and Westley's Dad.  Or at least for a night. 

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[lolynbo]

OH AND I WAS GOING TO SAY...WE ARE PROB GOING TO NEW ORLEANS AUG 31-SEPT 2ND....KIMMY WORKING AND GETTING A GREAT ROOM...SO WE JUST HAVE TO PAY FOR GAS AND FOODS...GONNA BE FUN

[daniellemom]

Hi everyone,

I'm leaving for the beach in the morning unless I leave tonight after dance class, I will have very limited access to internet, so I will be thinking of you all, and writing your kids names in the sand. 

Rhonda - Do what you can but not what you can't even if the people that love you think you should do something, you know what you can and can't do.  Wesley will be right there with you no matter what you decide.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[daveydow1]

 

 Happy belated birthday, dear friend, Trudi.

 

Sonya---Have a wonderful time at the beach. Danielle will be right there with you as

 you watch the tides, walk in the sand, and catch the breeze.

Lynn----Hope your eye problems clear up very soon.

Dee---We are not planning anything for the 4th either. It is to be very HOT

this weekend, so we will just hang around home. (I don't do well with the heat :?)

Lorrie----The whole pirate thing sounds like so much fun. Hope you get a few

pics so all of us here at BI can see.

Kathy---Oh, the beach........that will be so nice. Jessica will send you signs when

you are there, I'm sure. Have a nice time.

      PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL, AND HAVE A GREAT,     SAFE   4TH. OF  JULY !!!

                  Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[summergirl]

Let me see -- Brain in a Jar, Brain in a False Teeth Box.....guess mine is in a Pill Box !!

Suz - I do not know who wrote "The Club" - I just know that it was posted sometime last year and I read it over and over....I wrote it in my journal and changed it to fit my life - my Jessica.  I wish I could tell you who the author is, sorry.

Trudi - sooooooo agree with Dee - you are everything she said and more - you were one of the first on this site who responded to my very first post and I will never forget it....   Hope your birthday was great...

Sherry - thanks - I plan on having a week of sun and relaxation...I will walk many times, take lots of pics and collect my memories. Jessica will walk with me as she always does. Last year I found a perfectly shaped heart stone and heart beach glass. I found another heart beach glass last time we were there......Jessica letting me know she is with me....I miss her so....her birthday is coming on the 21st of this month but Jessica celebrated the whole month of July, she LOVED her birthday and thought everyone should celebrate the whole month instead of just one day...my heart hurts.

Got the camper packed except for the cold and frozen food so I am READY !!!  The weather so far is supposed to be great - I hope so.

I suprised Tavian with a new bike today - an 18 speed Mountain Bike...he was so excited and rode for quite awhile. Tomorrow evening we will go for a nice ride together.

Love, peace and strength to all, Kathy

[summergirl]

At the skate park last week...

[summergirl]

NO FEAR !!!!

[ericasmom]

Kathy, what a fun surprise, and a great place to bicycle it seems. Have a great beach time. I know that you will feel the SummerGirl in each step you take.

Sonya, I hope that you and the family have a great time as well, beaching through the days.

I wanted to ride my bike today, but my body said, NO MAM. So I went to the gym and worked and got home and napped. I am taking arithomyacin because whatever I had I still have and it went to my chest. My battle plan needed some assistance so when I went to the doc for my yearly checkup, I told her what was up, she said let's get this little bugger and gave me meds. My homeopathic stuff was not cutting it all the way out.

Sherry, I am happy to not be in crowds during this particular holiday. Glad to sit at home with a glass of wine perhaps and some neighbors.

[westleysmom]

Sonya,

Thanks.  I know you guys understand how hard the "happy" days are at first.  I hope you have a great time and can feel your angel Danielle close by.

Rhonda

[mikesmomrs]

Sonya:  I know you will have a good time at the beach, and Kathy, as well...we don't really have a beach nearby where we can camp out...they are pretty much all taken and the "rental spots" are SO close together...I'd rather stay home and go when no one is there...

Kathy:  What a nice surprise for Tav...new bikes are heart stoppers, aren't they...the kids are just so excited!  When we went last year to visit Kim, we took the girls to the store and told them we wanted to get them a new bike for the summer...they were ecstacic...you would think we gave them a car!  I can still remember my own first bike...came from Goodwill, but I put some extensive mileage on that bike---rode everywhere! 

Rhonda:  Try not to put too much pressure on yourself...you are so very new to this and it can be so very, very hard...thinking of you.

Lorri:  you all have tons of fun...just stay safe, please...

July 4th is pretty quiet for us, except for when the rug rats come to go in the pool.  Ralph has been saying he wants to pull out the grill (have not used it since before we moved) and do some cooking, but the problem with that is he doesn't want to do any of the "Getting ready" for it---just wants to have the stuff handed to him and then he will stand there and cook it...then it's time to eat, then it's time to sit!  So...I don't think we will "pull out the grill." Cathi is still in a lot of pain, so she may not even come over, but I hope she manages some time on one of the days. 

Dee: I know what you mean by "a long time ago, a long time ago"; it seems ages since we've all gotten together and done anything like a barbecue...did all the time when the kids were little.  I am glad your doc gave you some meds, and I hope they help you get over this bug.  Davis is having some pain with his jaw, and I think he has an infection in one of the places where a tooth was pulled...he is going to call the dentist in the morning...but he has to be at work by 9, so I don't know what will happen...

We went to Boston today for the second opinion for Ralph...what a HUGE medical complex!  It was like being on a different planet from here... Anyway, we met the doctor, who looked to be all of 20, but when he started talking, you knew that he knew what he was talking about.  Turns out he actually trained with the doctor from here in NH who is going to do the surgery, and he said he agrees with everything that Dr. Seigne has said.  That made us feel so much more comfortable with going ahead with the plan from Dr. Seigne, which is surgery on the 20th...laparoscopic removal of the kideny and cancer, which has a chance of having to be done by the regular route.  So, while we are still having to do the surgery, it seems that some questions have been answered and some bumpy spots smoothed out.  I thank you all for your concern and good thoughts and prayers...as many here have said...I don't know whatever I would do without you all!

It looks like Cathi may be having surgery as well, (for the pain in her shoulder/back that they thought might have been a heart attack weeks ago)  though they want her to wait for two more weeks to see if it "turns around on its own."  She went for the 2nd opinion on Tues and that was the direction...she is in a LOT of pain, just about constantly, and trying so hard to ration out the pain meds, but they just don't seem to help.  Her whole arm is numb and hurting all the time.  I feel so bad for her and wish so much I could make it all go away. 

I hope that everyone has a peace-filled weekend, finds some fun for at least a little bit...we all know our angels want us to...we may wind up going to the movies---haven't been in forever...  Thinking of all of you, sending love...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, someone here, Sonya perhaps, said to not feel that you have to do things that simply do not feel right to you. Holidays do bring so much forward, kind of in your face activities. If you choose to stay home and be quiet then do so, and if you choose to sit amongst the throngs to see the fireworks, so be it, just be flexible in your plans and able to change them if you want. If folks invite you over and you are wanting to go but worried about tears, then tell your husband your worries. Some couples come up with a plan, if you see me across the room and I look distressed, come get me, or if I come to you and loop my arm through yours, you know that I want to leave very soon...Having a little back-up plan to allow you a bit of breathing space if you do go out.

I do remember those firsts, and there is nothing easy about them. Each seasonal change and every holiday within those seasons were a test of my endurance it seemed, but I am here to say that it will not always be as hard as it is now. I promise.

Carol, so sorry that Cathi is in such pain, wow that stinks. Prayers then, that somehow her body turn itself around and feel strong and good soon. And Ralph will soon feel better. Glad that the Doctor you met today fed your confidence. Good news.

Love to all,

sleep is coming on,

dee

[heartbeataway]

Kathy,

The pictures of Tavian  brought back memories of Jason. Sweet memories .....

I don't know why I have such a hard time keeping up with BI ..... it seems like so many posts lately and I'm perpetually behind! 

Our foster, Emily, left our home yesterday.  Bittersweet ......

She is reuniting with her family.  We wish the best for her and hope she chooses to stay in touch with us.

Our legal wranglings continue .........  dum de dum de dum .....

Missed you on the journey,

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, I figured you to be very busy with Em and with your legal wranglings. I sure hope that the legal stuff gets figured out real soon, the day in and out of such anxiety producing material is draining. As far as Em, I hope that you are okay with her leaving. I am sure that you know that you and Rich have given this child something real, something good to rest her heart in. She will always have this time with you to refer to when making decisions and while making choices. For me, knowing that I had friends with 'normal' parents helped me immensely to know that I could one day have a good and healthy life. You did such a good thing showing your Foster Girl that there are limits and there are rewards in this world and choice is HUGE. Good for you two, sharing your hearts and energy with those most in need.

Love you,

dee

[Guest]

Good morning, Indigo's!

Just checking in and sending love.  Wishing you all the best day possible!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

I WILL SHARE MY FIRST 4TH WITHOUT KOURTNEY...WHEN THE FIREWORKS WERE GOING OFF, WE STILL WENT AND WATCHED AT THE LAKE NOT BY BOAT...AND WE ALL WONDERED HOW THE FIREWORKS LOOK FROM HEAVEN LOOKN DOWN ON THEM...

[westleysmom]

Carol, Erica, and Lorri-Thanks for the advice and kind words for the holiday.  I will try hard to take care of my husband and me first.  And think of Westley looking down on the fireworks and smiling. 

Carol-Has Cathi seen a neurosurgeon or had an MRI?  I'm not a medical expert or anything, but a few years ago, my husband had the same symptoms (pain and numbness from his right shoulder down his arm, worse at night for some reason) and it turned out to be a ruptured disc in his neck.  Since he's a carpenter, the dr kept saying it was probably a pulled muscle, but when he went to a neurosurgeon and told him his symptoms, he diagnosed it before he even saw the MRI.  He immediately scheduled surgery because the nerve damage can be permanent, which would put my husband out of work.  He was a wonderful surgeon and the pain was relieved right away and the recovery wasn't terribly long, although he says that his right arm never has regained its original strength.  The neurosurgeon said untreated it would have eventually made his arm virtually useless.  I haven't seen anything about Cathi before today, so that may have already been ruled out, but I just wanted to mention it.  I hope she gets some relief soon. 

Everyone have a happy fourth & fifth, if you're off on Monday too! I'll be thinking of you all.

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[westleysmom]

I'm so sorry Dee, I called you Erica.  Like I said I have brain fog most of the time.  And you would think I could keep that straight because my Westley's middle name was Dee.  Again, I'm so sorry for the mix-up. 

Rhonda Westley's crazy Mom

[aim630]

Trudi-Happy belated birthday! We share the same birthday, it's funny to think you celebrate your birthday in the winter & mine is in the summer, but we have the same birthday!

Cathy-thanks for sharing "The Club". I could've written that myself (but probably not as well). People say I'm doing so well, but they're only seeing what I let them see.

Carol-I hope Ralph's surgery goes well. Some of these doctors look so young to me too (Doogie Howser), but I guess that just means we're getting older! I'll be praying for you & Ralph & Cathi too.

Rhonda-I hate that we had to join this "club" but I'm glad we have this website to come to. If I had no one to talk about this who truly understood, I think I would go crazy.

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday. Katie & I are going to an Indians game on the Fourth (the tickets we won). We are going by ourselves, because everyone else already had plans (my husband is taking pictures for the newspaper). It has been 75 degrees and beautiful all week, but Sunday it is supposed to be close to 90!

Amy/Ashley's mom

[mikesmum]

Amy - Thanks for the birthday wishes.....Happy Birthday to you too! 

I had an Aunt (mum's sister) who lived in Fort Dodge Iowa and I could never understand how she was snowed in (snow to the roofline) while we sweltered here. 

Carol - Suffice to say the power of postive thinking and a doctor who knows his stuff medically has eased the load you and Ralph have been carrying.  I hope Cathi has the same outcomes with her painful back.

Its just a bit warmer here today, the rain held off so we could walk Muttley.

We are off to see the 'shed/home' James built.  Mals eldest.  They are buying a home in December but till then they have converted an old milking shed into a kitchen/lounge/bathroom with a caravan on the side for sleeping.  The land belongs to his partners brother.  They have such enthusiasm for doing this...ahhhh the young.

Bonnie - I was sad in away to here that Em had gone, but I'm with Dee, she has seen 'normal' and hopefully can make better choices as she grows.  Another tear in your heart I know.

Kathy - Tavian looks awesome on his wheels......wouldn't be able to pick his age from his picture.

Tomorrow is my Bowling Birthday Party.  Making patty cakes and stuff to have with grandies, kids and baby brother.   Mike would have thought this was a hoot....and that his mother was insane, but hey who would know me better???

Hope you all enjoy your Independance Day in your own way......Take Care  Trudi

[summergirl]

Dear Indigos - it has been a very long day - getting everything done at work before my week off - exhausting but managed to get it done. 

Amy - I wish I knew who had written "The Club" - When I read it it is as though I have written it but not the type of person like Dee who can write so well - I have the words in my mind but hard to put on paper.  Maybe whoever posted it a while ago will know.    We do show many diferrent faces to the world, I call them our masks and I use them daily.     Today at work my co-worker Nicole had to leave because she was so upset about her Uncle whom they took off life-support today, many problems and elderly....I asked her if there was anything I could do and she said "you don't understand" - I was SHOCKED - but I let it go as I know she is hurting and did not stop to think WHO she was talking to....  I wish you well my friend and believe me it will get softer for you but never easier or better.

Thanks to all of you for your sweet comments on Tavian...Carol, I am so glad that the pics brought sweet memories of your Jason.....Yes, his new bike is very special to him and he has been riding non-stop, makes my heart happy.

Tonight was a break-through for Tavian after 4 years, We went to town and got an ice cream and walked around and then went to visit Jessica. He got out of the car and walked over to her and the next thing I knew he was sobbing and screaming "Bring my mommy back, please give her another chance, I want to hug her, please hear me and send her back" - I started crying and just held him as he cried so hard. My heart broke into a million pieces hearing his voice so broken begging for his mommy to come back. After a few minutes I walked away to give him a little time by himself and he talked to Jessica - he said " I think about you all the time and I wish I could hug you, I love you mommy".   Then we left - I was emotionally drained but I am glad that he got it out, he finally let go of the anger that must have been building for some time....it hurt terribly but it was worth the pain...does that make sense ??

Tomorrow is a busy day for Tavian - going to the ocean at 9:30 with his friend, home by 2 and a birthday party at 3....then Sunday we shall be on the camping beach,  It is hard for me to not have access to the computer while I am there but I will probably come home on Wednesday just to check the house and feed froggie and our Anolis.

Dee - yes my sweet summergirl will camp with me - I love walking and talking to her.

Love, peace and strength - Kathy

[Guest]

Trudi - My youngest daughter lives just south of Fort Dodge.  It's a smaller world all the time.  I hope you enjoy your bowling birthday party.  Wish we could all be there!

Kathi - I admire your instincts with Tavian.  It had to be hard to let him hurt, but knowing it was a step in healing.

Dee - I hope you are able to get some rest.  Holding you close in heart and thought as Eri's 7 yr angel date approaches.

Rest well, everyone. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY (LATE) AMY! I sure hope that it was better than you expected and that the game with your Daughter will be a great time.

Rhonda, never worry for calling me Erica, I love the mistake, it does not hurt it feels good to be called the name of my Angel. I will keep you close in my prayers as you travel these firsts Rhonda, we are holding you. Where in the US are you? East coast, west, middle?

Happy Bowling Party Trud. What fun you will have with your family. Mike will bowl too, laughing at the gaity, the silliness. Proud of his Momma for arranging such antics.

Thanks Sus, I am starting to get a bit of rest, hopefully tonight as well. Napped a bit earlier. Thanks for the thoughts toward our dates.

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  Have a wonderful bowling birthday...I know that your sweet Micheal will be right there with you and all the others...sending wished for a happy day for all of you!

Amy:  Thank you for the info for Cathi...I will send it on to her.  She did have an MRI last week and saw the neurosurgeon on Tuesday...they are discussing surgery.  I have almost the same thing going on with my left shoulder, but am waiting to see if it is a fibromyalgia flare...they usually strike, get worse, then taper off, over about a 6-8 week time frame and while it is a little over 10 weeks, I am going to hold out a little longer, as I have seen some tapering.  Mine hasn't been nearly as debilitating as CAthi's, though...hers, like your hubby's, has traveled all the way down her arm to her hand, numbing, and horrid pain all the time.  Mine is mostly that I can't turn my head to the left.  And, belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, also, Amy.

Rhonda:  I meant to tell you earlier---I love the avatar of Westley...shows his sense of humor and warmth. 

Kathy:  I know that it was truly difficult for you to witness Tavian's pain and grieving, but I think you handled it very well...he does indeed need to let all that out, and it was good that you were nearby, as he knew you were there for him.  He is blessed to have you, just as you are blessed to have him.  We had a little different timing with Mike's two older boys...they (and Sarah and Damon) spent the night before Christmas Eve here, the first Christmas Mike was gone.  We had just finished opening the presents that Mike had left for them (one of which was ---for each of them---a beautiful silver angel with the words "Whatever souls are made of, yours and mine are the same"  (Emily Bronte) engraved in a circle around the angel) and Kameron, the younger boy (just 8 1/2 at the time) came over to sit down beside me on the floor.  His eyes were spilling over and as soon as he felt me next to him, he started sobbing, then shaking, then crying, crying, crying.  Chandler came over and sat on the other side of me, crying and shaking as well.  They cried it out for a while and then their crying grew softer, quieter, and they eventually just cuddled next to me and we talked about it for a bit.  They had each cried before (Kam spent the whole night and day after his dad died, crying and sobbing, just inconsolable), but they had never cried together and I think this being together in their grief helped them take a huge step forward in their grieving and healing.   I am so glad that you were there with Tavian...it was good for him to know that you were nearby. 

We are finally getting some of our interior doors put up---tomorrow.  Especially the closet door as you come into the house...I have hated that that has not been there.   We have a handyman here in our neighborhood, and he is coming over tomorrow to put up two of them, and hopefully will finish the others over the next week or so.  He's worked for us before, and he is very good at what he does, and very reasonable...YAY!  He's also going to trade out the faucet in our kitchen...we've never liked the new one we put in when we first redid the kitchen, and now we are having a different one put in---again...YAY! 

Tomorrow we will go up to Mike's memorial site and put up a flag for him...Mike loved ALL the holidays, and July 4th was no exception...he was truly patriotic, always.  I can still remember the first time we let him "Run around with his friends" at the firewords display, instead of having to sit with us...he must have brought over ten kids to meet us over the course of the night..I think he was just using the introductions as an excuse to make sure we were still there!  I remember one July 4th he dressed up like Uncle Sam and decorated his bike with flags, etc., to be in the parade the school was having, and he won first place...he was SO proud.  I wish I had a picture, but I will have to settle for the one that is in my head.   I think I've posted this before, please forgive if I have...Mike was about 7 in this pic...

 

I hope you all are having a nice 4th, or at least as nice as you can...we've always thought of the 4th as a real family-type holiday...it is difficult to do that when a joyous part of the family is missing from the mix...but we will do our best...the kids will likely be here on Sunday and then the rafters will rattle!

love and peace,  carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Good morning this July 3, may it be a good and loving day.

On this day, 7 years ago, Erica came over for dinner before heading out to the downtown Chicago fireworks, (they do two nights in a row). We had little pizzas, you know the kind that you buy the little individual pizzas and then put on ingriedients that you like. So we had a whole bunch of different ingredients, and we had a nice evening together. It was our last supper together and it was a good night.

Carol, love that photo of your little Mike, beautiful.

[lostwoher]

That's my exact reason for being 'relieved' that Kayla & Brian didnt have children. Carol, I sat and cried cried cried just reading that heart wrenching story. Bless you for being there for them as I know or somewhat know how you must have felt. Sure hope all of you get to feeling better soon. Sending prayers the best way I can.

Happy Belated birthday Amy!

Hoping for a fun filled evening of bowling and laughter for you Trudi!!

I too like the avatar- what a handsome son Rhonda

Kathie- I repeat those words to you and everyone else who has the beautiful reminders. I tip my hat to you all

I will be thinking of you all week Dee. In fact, I LOVE pizza so much that I will have it this evening in Eri's honor

Wishing everyone a very happy & safe holiday weekend. Keep a close eye on the sky as you never know what may appear

Lynn aka Kayla's mom

Even tho I will be working, I will try to watch for you my angel Kayla. Miss you asking if its time to cookout yet and saying- " Lets get this party started!" XOXOXO

[lolynbo]

IM NOT SURE WHAT OUR LAST DINNER TOGETHER WAS...BUT IM THINKING IT WAS ELCHICOS...BUT IM NOT FOR SURE...I SEEM TO HAVE A BLOCK IN MY BRAIN THAT WONT LET ME GO THERE RIGHT NOW...

IM MISSIN MY BABY SO MUCH...I HAVE PICS OF HER ON OUR BOAT HER LAST JULY 4TH (2007)..SHE GOT A LIL SUNBURNED AND WAS ENJOYING THE FIRWORKS WITH HER NEW HUSBAND BRENT AND LOVING LIFE....THATS WHAT HER MYSPACE SAYS..."LOVING LIFE".....

[daveydow1]

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, AMY !!!

Rhonda---As someone else said.....just do what you feel you can, and want,

to do. The "firsts", and holidays can be so very difficult, especially in the early times.

My thoughts & prayers are with you, friend. Peace & comfort.

Kathy-----I know you must miss Jessica so very much and that your heart

hurts. I know that you will feel your sweet girl very close as you walk the beach.

The sea glass that you found......especially heart-shaped......is  signs from your

angel.

Carol---Thinking of you & your family...hope you have a nice peaceful holiday.

Dee-----AHhhhhh.......nice cool backyard....shade.....comfy chair....and a glass

of wine.  A perfect recipe for a peaceful & relaxing  4th.

         PEACE TO ALL HERE AT THE BI FAMILY.

           Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

     

[westleysmom]

Dee and all,

I'm in Tennessee and boy is it hot!  Not as hot as it has been, but still 91 today.  My husband and son-in-law went fishing and I am on my own today.  I should have gone to see my Mama, but I go by her house every a.m. on the way to work to have coffee with her and today I just feel like I need to be alone.  I can't think of anything to say and I don't feel like talking for the sake of talking.  My MIL called to see what our plans were for tomorrow and I told her if I felt like doing anything, I'd probably go see my sister who's coming to town tomorrow with her grandson.  It was her birthday on the 30th and his was on the 20th and I didn't get to see them.  MIL asked me if I was sick (why would I not feel like doing anything was implied) and I said no, the holidays are just hard and I might not feel like doing anything.  She said yes, the firsts are so hard.  Which is true, and I'm glad she seemed to understand, it just felt like I was reminding her of something I can't get away from.  I'm glad you all understand, really.  I feel like you all know me better than people I've known forever.  Take care.

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[Guest]

Memories.  Last suppers.  Last boat ride.  Last fourth of July.  My heart is with you all in understanding and love. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[aviemare]

Hello Peoples:

Hope you are all at least marginally ok.  I am having problems remembering Nicole. She died 12 weeks yesterday and every time I try to think of her, I can't hold the memory.  It's like she is fading from me and I grow more numb every day.  Guess my mind won't be able to protect me forever.  When the fall comes, I have no doubt it will be hard and damaging.

Here is an article about Nicole from the Ramona/Julian Home Journal.

http://ramonajournal.com/clients/ramonajournal/please-not-my-daughter-p2782.htm?twindow=Default&smenu=88&mad=No

Peace,

Anni

[mikesmum]

Anni - Tears and heartache reading Nicoles story.  Micheal suffered chronic pain from a deterioration in the cartiledges in his body and discs in his back.  He had a number of surgeries to strengthen his knees and back.  He also had a pacemaker to correct an arrhythmia.  He was under the care of the same doctor for 8yrs.

The coroner stated he died of a "mutli drug overdose with the main drug being oxycodone.....these would have exacerbated his respiratory depression contributing to his death"

In the Coroners report it was noted that Micheal had been dispensed 210 oxycodone, 50 diazepam, 50 amitriptyline over a TWO day period just days before his death. 

We pursued the doctor and pharmacist through the 'proper' channels.  The doctor was ordered to complete at least one session of 2hrs education on 'how to recognise a patient has become drug dependant, how to treat a patient who has become drug dependant, how to refer a patient who has become drug dependant and demonstrate an understanding of the Drugs Act 1981'.  The pharmacist apparently worked within the 'pharmacy board' guidelines.

Nothing will bring Mike back, I know that, but raising the issues and awareness for me goes in someway to hopefully spare someone else joining us here.

Dee - Grandies in tonight, homemade pizza's in honour of Eri.

Carol - Hope the doors work okay for you.  Love that pic of Mike.....these boys are so much alike in looks even back then.

Am off to bowling after walking the Muttley dog.......cloudy with a chance of tears.....

 

[ericasmom]

I feel kind of guilty, several of you having pizza in honor of Erz, but we had chicken. Go figure.

I spent a couple hours at the cemetery today, sitting in my little chair, writing in my journal and talking to Eri. I brought my tablets and pencils but did not draw. I brought snapdragons from the garden for Eri's little vase, adn some loosetrife and yarrow. She loved Snaps, making them look like they were talking by pinching together the edges of the flower. So she has predominantly pink snaps, some white, adn a crimson. Very pretty. The breeze was constant and her spot is in the shade, so it was very peaceful and quietly beautiful.

Anni, read the article, how very difficult adn how like Trudi's situation too. So sad, and so disturbing that Docs can prescribe without thought to the human asking for the script. Maddening, and I am praying that the practice stops.

Love to you,

dee

PS I know it feels like you are forgetting, but you are not, full memories with soundbites and visual cues will be back for you to reflect upon, many of us felt as you do right now, a faded memory, a dulling sense. It returns after you work through a few more things.

Everhard, but it will be softer one day, with more vivid of the good stuff.

[summergirl]

Anni - what a beautiful and so very sad reading about Nicole and all that you all went through...so much the same as Trudi - getting the word out makes us feel better in some ways...we just pray that someone will listen someday.

Thank you for the comments about Tavian, I have to admit I was a bit shocked by the strength of his crying and the pained look in his eyes....I wanted so bad for that moment to be able to trade places with my Jessica....impossible I know....Being there for Tavian at the time that he finally "broke the silence of the tears" and let go is something that I shall always be thankful for...we need each other so very much.  Tavian has started a journal, he writes to his mommy in it....I love it....

Dee - Tavian had pizza tonight in honor of your Eri.....he insisted...    Am glad you got to spend quiet, peaceful time with your sweet girl.  I did not know that you drew, maybe some day you could share a drawing or two ???

My last dinner with Jessica was one week before she left us....it was Tavian's birthday and the family got together for dinner and cake....it was the last pics I have of her and Tavian together.......

Tomorrow is "off to camping day" - all is packed and finished, now just time to go and spend a week of relaxing and having fun with Tavian and friends.  I will think of you all each day and write our Angels names in the sand.....We will send lighted laterns into the moonlit night for them and I will be sure to take pics...   I will probably come home on Wednesday to check on things so I will check in with all then.  Love you all so very much and will take each of you walking with me...

Love, Peace and strength....Kathy

[daveydow1]

Anni---I read Nicole's story and am so sorry. I so agree that there needs to

be much more oversight on Drs. and pharmacies regarding dispensing of

controlled drugs with the potential for addiction. They need to be more patient-

oriented, and less prescription-oriented. The poor patient only knows that he/she

is having terrible, unrelenting pain, and when they reach out for help-----it's not

there. Many Drs. only want a 5 min. (or less) office visit with the patient, and the

prescription pad is a quick way out......on to the next patient. So many celebs

have died taking prescriptions, and there's talk about reform, but nothing seems

to get done. Please be easy on yourself, friend. We're here for you at BI.

Rhonda---So glad to see Westley's smiling face here. I hope you find peace

somehow, in these early days and wks. Everyone here knows the pain you are

in now, and are always here to listen & understand. It's good that you speak out

whenever people 'crowd' you a little too much. It's one of the few defences we

have to take care of ourselves in those situations where people don't understand,

and wish us to "move on" or whatever phrase they might use. Peace to you, friend.

 Dee-----I stayed home most of the day......baked a cake for tomorrow.....grandies

 might come over. Did go out to a hardware store to buy a U.S. flag to hang. It is

a big one. We have a very tall flagpole in the front yard, but it needs work, so I

just hung it banner-style from the front porch.  Hope you have a nice relaxing

time tomorrow.

      HAPPY   4TH    OF    JULY   INDIGOES. 

               Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry     

[ericasmom]

Rhonda,

I know so little of Tennessee, but my Husband's sister lived near Memphis for several years and loved it. She misses it as they moved back to the midwest about 8 years ago. I know it gets hot though, that much I know, however it is a far cry more mild in the winter than it is here in Chicago-land. Have you always lived in the south?

Hey, as much as I think that it is wonderful that you stop in at your Mom's home each day before work, it is also good to see that you are  able to not go on days like these, when you simply don't want to spend the energy going through the motions. It  really is one way to begin some healing, by making choices that are best for you in that moment. I am also happy to know that you told your MIL that you just feel you don't want to celebrate the holidays at this point. Good for you.

 I think that when folks like us lose all the control that we thought we had (we were wrong all along), we begin to realize that the only  thing we really can control is our reactions and our energies. Once we start making choices that empower us a bit,we find a  sense of strength, which I do believe is healing adn I do believe these steps make our Children shine as well. Remember that some days it is two steps forward and three steps back. Don't give up, we all find that pattern at some point, but even if we are two forward adn three back, we are still making our way.

Love,

dee

[mikesmum]

Just for those who believe......latte at a local cafe....

[nicksdad]

[Guest]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

 I think that when folks like us lose all the control that we thought we had (we were wrong all along), we begin to realize that the only  thing we really can control is our reactions and our energies.

"...(we were wrong all along),..."  Well said, Dee.  All of what you wrote was well said, but those five words about sum it up.  My reactions, energies and attitude is all I ever have real control over.  A difficult fact to accept, but quite liberating once I digest it!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom