Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

Greg love the quotes and the funnies. Thanks for those.

I became very melancholoy today with no warning, and I began to cry and be blue in front of Lindsay, one of my coworkers who I was in a planning meeting with. WE were talking about when to next meet adn she and Rebecca said that they could meet on the 6,7, or 8th of July. My throat thickened, a lump the size of a fist. I said in the best voice I could, to go ahead and make plans and if I could join I would. Becca got in her car to leave and I drove Lindsay to the train, and she asked a question about the dates and I just could not help it, tears and more tears, the 6th was the last time I saw and hugged and held my Daughter's hand. It was the last time I saw her pretty self, the last time I took a photo of her, the last time I laughed with her in person. The 8th was the last time she spoke, and she and I were on the phone together about a half hour before she was struck by the train. So the 8-14, my holy week, is off limits to plans, I can't rely on how I will feel or behave so no, not that week of days, the days of waiting adn praying and knowing and setting free. No. But I did not know that I was going to cry and not be able to stop, and that is what happened, I hated to make Linds feel sad, I did not mean to. Since then, I have cried several times, hard, took a tiny nap, and now am trying to muster some energy for a fundraiser at a bar a few towns over. It is to raise money for JDR, junior diabetes research. Shan has a nephew with diabetes so her whole family is active in fund raising events.

Anyhow, I will go with my Son and do some good for research.

Betty, the funk is sometimes long and seemingly endless, though I do believe you will feel more sunshine one day. I hope so as you are a wonderful big-hearted woman, with a gentle soul and peaceful spirit. I so wish you never had to ache.

 And Rhonda, 6 months is a milestone, though early on it is a big one. I remember that on that day for us there was a package in the mail for me. In it was a beautiful necklace that has EER (erica eileen reith) engraved with the Chinese symbol for beautiful daughter. It was sent to me from Boston where ERi's Godmom lives. I have worn it since.

 Do something nice for yourself that day or any, knowing that your Son would surely like that .

Love,

dee

[ericasmom]

Sus, good for you and the whole family, congratulations as you formally become a family, the kind that the kids can grow and be safe within.

[carriebear]

Hello Indigos, been a long time since I posted but you all and your angels stay close to my heart, always.

Today is David's 30th birthday.  Dear Carol, thanks so much for your wishes for Donna & I.  She actually had knee surgery today, haven't heard from her yet but I am certain our Teddy Bear is hovering very near to her.

I was grateful to read the good news for you & Ralph.  Hugs to Cathi, she sounds like someone I'd be able to give that 'look' and she'd know exactly how I'm feeling.

Susannah, what a beautiful family portrait, tears came to my eyes.  Thank you for sharing.  Also thank you for sharing a couple weeks ago your message for Lorri from her Kourtney...it really comforted me as well, just knowing they are not altogether gone.  Gone from our limited human perception....only for now.

Dee I hope this photo comes through...My sweetie & I took a trip to the beach weekend before last for his birthday.  I got up early Sunday morning, Father's Day, to stroll around the campground while he slept in. This beautiful black butterfly graced my walk by sitting still long enough for me to get the camera ready and capture him.  When I read your post of the black butterfly you saw on the same morning I did, I just had to share... I don't believe in coincidences.

 David, "Ted", our Teddy Bear...the missing never stops but I do laugh sometimes thinking of silly things you said and did.  I love you and I miss you, your Cheeseball Sissy forever.

[carriebear]

"Life is eternal,

and love is immortal,

and death is only a horizon;

and a horizon is nothing

save the limit of our sight"

~Rossiter Worthington Raymond

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

Carrie, so good to see you and thank you for sharing the photo of the Father's Day butterfly. Glad that we shared so pretty a visit.

I know you are missing your David, and I know he is smiling on you, his forever Sissy.

DAVID, What a grand day you were born to. You made the magic for your Momma and all who love you.

 Peaceful and joyous love to you.

[lolynbo]

HAPPY HEAVENLY 30TH BIRTHDAY DAVID...

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  I am so sorry that you had such a difficult time today...as you and many of us have said, we never know when a tornado of feelings will come out of the blue and whoosh us along with the churning and twisting of our hearts into the chasm of sadness that we know all too well.  I so hope that Lindsey was comforting and understanding...those "holy days" are days when you will always be brought back to thst time, and your heart will always respond with sorrow...I pray your heart will feel full again soon, and your beautiful Eri will brush your cheek with her precious spirit.

Sus:  Beautiful family, just beautiful...the kids look so proud and happy...my eyes aren't so good, but does Mariah look just like her mommy?  I know this was a proud and happy day for all of you...blessings galore.

Carrie:  so good to hear from you and see David's smiling face...I hope that Donna does well with her surgery.

Dale:  I love the picture you did of David...good to see Nick's handsome face...

Today I had the breath sucked right of my lungs...I was driving to pick up Damon, and as I turned the corner down the street from our house, there was a small truck coming towards me.  It was the guys picking up the bags of clippings from the yard cuttings.  As it got closer, I could see the driver...the window was down and he was right next to me as I turned...it could have been Mike's identical twin.  the same "growing in from shaving his head" haircut, the same type of beard he had at that time, short, clipped close, the same sleeveless shirt, with his big round shoulders, packed with muscle rippling down his arms, and the same type of tattoo, up his arm, across his shoulder, and up his neck to just under his ear.  His facial features were even just like Mike's...  How can we, even after such a long time, nearly four years, see something like that and our mind plays tricks on us for the briefest of seconds as we hear in our own head "It was a big mistake, here he is, right in front of me!"  And then just as quickly, reality punches us in the gut, and leaves us there, still without, still heartbroken, still wishing... 

I am so very glad that I have this site to come to and write about these times...

I have to take Damon back to his house now, to put him to bed.  I hope everyone has a pleasant evening...no storms! 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[summergirl]

[summergirl]

Suz - absolutely beautiful - I love that family photo, the smiles with the tears although you cannot see them.....so happy for all of you.

Dee - I know the feeling my friend.....I know you did not mean to make your friend sad but I am sure she understands and well, damn it, we just can't help ourselves. The rememberances of our child........what can I say that you do not know already. Are we on the same page, as today I was making a copy at work and a friend asked how I was and I started to tear up and said "I do not like myself right now", she said "oh, Kathy, why" and my reply "I couldn't save my Jessica"  I do not know why I said that !!! then the tears...  Sending you a virtual hug..

Greg - funny !!   Love the poem....

Carrie - love the pic of the black butterfly....I do not believe in coincedences either...

Westleysmom - stay with us my friend, you are so early on this journey no one here expects you to be "happy" - just be who you need to be, we are here to help you in any way we can.

Carol - wow, what a feeling that must have been for you....just to look and think for just that moment that "here he is" - a brief second of not breathing and then back to reality.....I am sorry and holding you tight.

First day at camp for Tavian today - he had a good time but I am glad he is only going a couple of weeks out of the summer....want to spend as much time as I can with him......camping next Sunday for a week - whoo hoo !!!!

Early night tonight, love, peace and strength to all indigo's. Kathy

[daveydow1]

Leah-----I'm sorry that you discovered the ruined things of Jaboa's in the

shed. That must have been heartbreaking for you. Sometimes other people

(even some who are close to us) do not put a value on these things that we

find precious , and hold close to honor the beloved child. I'm glad that

you still have things belonging to Jaboa. These things are more that just

'things'.........they have such special meaning & love because of their linking

us to our loved one. Peace, friend.

Dee-----Yikes.....90 degrees at the wedding. I'm aftaid I would just melt.. I

don't do well with exptreme heat. So nice that it cleared up, and the wedding

was so nice.

HAPPY BELATED  BIRTHDAY, DEAR DAVID......SMILE DOWN ON YOUR FAMILY AND WARM THEIR HEARTS.

Susannah----Lovely pic you posted. Congratulations on a happy day for your

family. The children look sweet & happy. Bless them.

Betty-----How are you---miss you here.

PEACE TO ALL AT BI.

           Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[Guest]

Thanks, everyone!

HAPPY HEAVENLY 30TH BIRTHDAY, DAVID!  What a handsome man!

Carrie - I don't believe in coincidences either.  Especially when it comes to butterflies.

I had the privelidge of speaking with one of our BI members on the phone the other day and while I was talking to her (I was outside) a white butterfly flew by.  We haven't had any white ones this year, so I was deeply touched. 

Carol - Oh gosh.  I can just imagine how you felt seeing the man who looked so much like your Mike.  There's been a couple of times I thought I've seen Stephanie and I literally have to remind myself that I saw her body and she is really not with us physically any more.

Mariah does look a lot like her mother.  Jonathon resembles her even more.  Mariah's smile is more like her Aunt Amanda's.  Jasmine is the spitting image of her father, but her personality is Stephanie incarnate.  Oh my!!!  Hopefully both Gary and I have learned enough from the first go around that we will be better equipped to direct all that energy!

I find myself regretting cancelling my trip to Little Rock, but it just didn't "feel" right.  Now that the kids are ours, we have already scheduled a trip to Denver next week to go to the zoo.  Denver is just 5 hrs away.  We "do" everything in hours here in Wyoming.  Mostly everything is 2 hours away. 

We have also scheduled a trip to Iowa.  We will be there on Stephanie's one year angelversary. 

Stephanie's little sister, my youngest daughter, is still quite distraught over her sister's passing.  She gets very upset because she says she can't talk to anyone.  However, last night she began to talk to me and changed the subject abruptly.  I realized it isn't that no one will listen to her, it's that she's not ready to deal with the emotions that come.

I'm concerned for her.  In some ways I realize I'm fortunate because I let it all hang out and felt my emotions openly and thoroughly.  Not meaning that I'm through by any means.  Probably because of my age and many life experiences I've learned that although I may want to die from the pain of it, I won't.  And, that the only way through is through. 

Knowing that didn't stop me from declaring I was skipping grief.  The pain was so intense and acute that I decided I just would walk right by it.  Didn't happen.  I suppose I need to allow my daughter the same dignity of finding her way through this horrible path.  I certainly don't want to force her before she's ready.

In the beginning, I thought that if the pain subsided it would be betrayal to Stephanie.  It isn't.  What it has done is put me in a better place to remember her and honor her.  The pain still hits (not like at first) but it doesn't scare me so bad.

I say that knowing I'm quite nervous about the year date.  We'll see if I'm a liar or not.

Counting my blessings and all of you as a big part of those blessings.

Much peace,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

Oh...Carrie - you're welcome. 

[Guest]

We posted at the same time Sherry and Kathy.    I kind of like that because that means we're here together right now.

I had a first yesterday.  I was filling out the survey BI posted and one of the questions asked how many children you have.  I put 4 without thinking and then sat and stared at it.  I left it.

Now I think I have to put 7 and 2 step children.  I don't think I'll ever be able to subtract Stephanie.  I will always be her mother.  Even if God said she was not mine.  Just because I sometimes get to know things doesn't mean I agree. 

[Guest]

"Grandma, May you please help me?"  Jasmine is learning her manners.  She gets a little confused. 

Here's a picture of them in the courtroom, this is how they sat and answered the judges questions.  Jonathon wasn't real happy because I didn't let him wear his skateboard T shirt and shorts.  I forgot to tell them to say, "Yes, Sir" or "No, Sir"...so, Jonathon answered "Ya"  And Mariah barely spoke, just shaking her head a lot unless the question demanded a longer answer.  Jasmine spoke boldly and loud, "YES!" 

I miss Stephanie tonight.  Did I say that earlier.  I do feel as though a huge weight has been lifted, and as grateful as I am that I don't have to worry about my girl anymore, I sure wish she were here.

Jonathon (is the boy, of course) then Mariah in white and then Jasmine.  The little stuffed animals they are holding belonged to Stephanie.  I gave them to them after she died.  They took them today so they would have something of their mother's with them.   

[lolynbo]

JUST DONT UNDERSTAND PPL...THE BOY THAT WAS IN THE DRUNK DRIVER CAR WRECK LAST MONTH...HE IS DOING BAD...THE HOSP CALLED AND SAID GET THE FAM TOGETHER (HE FLATLINED FOR 7 MINUTES)...THE MOM DIDNT GO "SHE HAS TO WORK"....(MINIMUM WAGE JOB)...WHAT THE HELL EVER....IM SO MAD I COULD SPIT..

REGAN, KOURTNEYS NURSE SAID HE IS PROBABLY GIVING UP BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE FAM AND POSITIVE VIBS...

[ericasmom]

A huge silver white  no longer full moon climbs up the sky, and I am off to bed. I know Lorri that it hurts your heart to hear such things, to know these sadnesses,  it could be that she just cannot be present for what is coming. I am saying prayers for this young man, and for his family to find ways to help lift his spirit or help to heal it.

The fund raiser was delightful, filled with folks that want to help out for a very great cause.

goodnight Indigos,

dee

[Guest]

Another night of sleep interrupted. 

It seems fitting.

When Stephanie was about two weeks old, I called my sister, crying..."I'm never going to get to sleep again!"

I don't think that child slept through the night until she was one year old. 

I was up with her all night when she came into the world, I guess it's only fair that I be up with her now that's she's left.

Grief is sure interesting.  Indeed.  It will have its way.  I have no more power over grief than I do the weather.  The only power I have is to clean up the mess when the storm passes, and to know, "This, too, shall pass."

Thanks for being here.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

A thought about grief and butterflies....

Maybe when we surrender to the grief...not giving up on life, just allowing grief to run its course......maybe we're like the caterpillar. 

I turn to the comfort of my grieving chair with my favorite blanket, a cup of hot coffee, tissues and my laptop.  I stare out the huge picture window in our living room which allows us to see the whole city and the mountain.  I am able to watch the sunrise and the sunset from my living room window.  Mostly, I type.  That's how I process my feelings.  I type.

The caterpillar retreats to a safe place on a branch or leaf and wraps itself in safety.  Perhaps feeling tired from it's long travel up the tree.  Perhaps it retreats in despair.  Perhaps hope.  I wonder if a caterpillar ever says to himself, "I'm not going to go through the cacoon phase!  It's too painful!"  I doubt it...

I wonder if the cacoon ever actually destroys the caterpillar.

Either way, if we allow it.....a butterfly emerges.  You and I.

Walking through the valley of the shadow of death has more meaning for me now.  We are literally walking through the valley of the shadow of death.  We are in its shadow.  It has already happened. 

Sorry guys.  I know no other way to process my feelings, thoughts and emotions than to type.  I seem to have to have an audience for it to benefit me.  I don't know what's up with that.  I don't think its vanity or conceit....I'm just "discussing".  Kind of like therapy.  If I write it to myself it would be like sitting in my own therapist chair.

Speaking of, I'm glad I've scheduled an appointment closer to Steph's angel date and then one after.  Just to be on the safe side. 

I might be back.....yet tonight/this morning.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Sus:  Last night was one of those unusual nights when I was asleep by 2, so I wasn't on line when you were "dropping by."  However, your words "Sorry guys.  I know no other way to process my feelings, thoughts and emotions than to type.  I seem to have to have an audience for it to benefit me" truly explain what BI is all about...we here have all found that this IS a way, a very good way, to process our feelings, thoughts and emotions, and "needing an audience" is just another way of saying that we need someone who truly understands to really "hear" those feelings, thoughts and emotions...we know that we will be heard, more often than not replied to, and that reply usually validates those words that we type, those words that come straight from our heart.

I hope you were eventually able to get some sleep...though the last time you posted was 5:24, and I would think that those three little dynamos of energy had you going soon after that!

sending love and peace, and hopes for sleep tonight...

PS:  Thank you for your comments on Mike's site...it was a true labor of love, a "saving grace" for me---trying to "put it into writing" as much as I can, to hold on to those memories, to keep them forever in some place where others will come and remember him, too...and even others, to get to know him. 

Carol  mikesmomrs

[westleysmom]

My husband and I went yesterday and mowed at the graveyard where his grandparents are buried.  I noticed that June 28 was the day his Granddaddy died.  I used to remember it easily, but now I just remember January 13.  I remember when Granddaddy died, Westley was 5 months old.  It was in 1989 and we had just bought the house we live in now.  After the funeral we had to go to the closing, which was already scheduled.  Westley had been sick and I had to leave him with my Mama.  Its so funny how you can remember some days in detail, and then there are years that go by and you don't know what you were doing at all.  It is very sad for me that Westley has no children, but of course it would be hard for them if he had, to grow up without their daddy.  He would have been a good daddy.  He loved kids.  He was named for this Granddaddy that died, his middle name anyway.  His best friend brought his baby by to see us at Mama's Sunday night.  Westley was with them the night he died, and they said the last thing he said to them was "If you go to have that baby, let me know."  Their baby was born 13 days later on the 26th of January.  He looks just like his daddy.  When they left, I cried all the way home.  Westley could have had a baby that looked just like him, someday.  He was a beautiful baby with a headful of dark hair.  I miss him.    

[ericasmom]

I agree Carol with your assessment of what BI is to and for folks here, a place to let it out, let it unfurl, disclose, uncover, and discover as you go. And be heard and understood.

Ah yes Rhonda, those little heads full of hair, or in some cases little bald heads. We remember so clearly some of their days and like you said, there are whole years that seem a blur. It may surprise you how focused some memories come to you now, that piece of brain that has been tapped by sadness. It is rollercoaster for sure, and we are here to listen and to shake our heads in agreement as you tell us what you are feeling and thinking. We get it. Never feel you should curb yourself here. I remember thinking when first here, that perhaps I am repeating myself too much, but repetition is also part of survival and just one piece of grieving.

I did not sleep well last night, nor the two nights previous. I think that as we approach our 7th year mark, my mind and spirit are relentlessly remembering waking me and causing a dull exhaustion. Eventually, the exhaustion will win out and I will sleep. For now, not so much. I am off for a little bike ride. It is a lovely day outside, of which I am very grateful. Blue skies, fluffy clouds.

Peace to All,

dee

[daniellemom]

Susannah – Way to go. The children look great!  Nice looking family! 

 

Dee – My thoughts are with you, I hope you are able to sleep better tonight.  Some people may think after 3 or 7 years that things get easier.  To me it just as gotten softer, just like you told me it would.  I was talking to my niece, my husband’s side of the family; the other day about a tv program that we watched and she said about the parents that had lost a child 22 years ago were acting like it was yesterday, still crying about it.  It was so hard for me not to say, do you ever think about Danielle any more.  Not that they ever say anything about her, but I only said to her that’s something that you don’t ever get over and the slightest thing can trigger you back to the very time that you saw your child and you may cry.

 

Bonnie  - So glad to see Jason’s smiling face, I miss your words of wisdom.  How is everything going?

 

Kathy – Like you I’m going to the beach next week, well I’m leaving on Friday and coming back the next Saturday or Sunday, I’m so excited, Danielle loved the beach and we find shells and have a bowl in her room at the beach house that we keep them in.  We also have a book that everyone writes in when they are at Mom and Dad’s beach house.  Mama wants to know what everyone does.  Danielle wrote in that book each day she was there.  What she did, what she ate, I love reading her words over and over again and seeing her beautiful signature.  I would love to get a tat of her signature, but Timmy (husband) has asked me not to get a tat but you never know he said he would divorce me if I did, sounds like a pretty good reason to get one!

 

Carol – My heart goes out to you about seeing someone that could be Mike’s twin.  If I have not said, I’m so glad that the test results from Ralph are sounding so good.

 

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom) 

[ericasmom]

Yes Sonya, it is softer isn't it? But on a dime, a simple pivot, the sharp facts can wrench at my heart and while much less often now, the dates do rule that mood. As we get closer, my agitation begins, my self doubt about everything, my inability to complete things, my want for more and longer bike rides and walks. (I take a lot of them anyway, but I double them some days right before our week of loss.) I am glad that you are going to the  beach and that you will get to immerse yourself in the environment that you love and Danielle loves. Reading her words must be an amazing experience, the actual words from The Girl of Your Dreams. That is what I call Eri. The signature sounds like a nice tat, but if husband is so against it is it worth it? And if it is worth it, well, good for you. And why is he so against it? Could that signature be replicated in metal and have a necklace or bracelet out of it? A thought anyhow.

Is Mattie enjoying the break? How about your Son, is he home for the summer and working or hanging out? Not too many jobs available for anyone right now.

Have a beauty of a time Sonya

PEACE OUT

dee

[ericasmom]

Carol,

 a gift for you, a German Short-Hair we met at a family function on Saturday, carrying a heart to you...

[daveydow1]

Susannah---Lovely pic of the children. They look so nice. I'm sure that the

judge understood that the kids were a little timid in the courtroom......any

kid would be.  They look so like little ladies & gentleman. Yes, only here can

we come & pour out how we feel, and be understood by all the otheres. Not

so-called experts who have never been through the loss of a child, but WE are

the experts, because we are the ones trying mightily, each day, to go on

living, and honor our beloved children. Peace.

Carol---I know what you mean about seeing someone that looks so much like

Mike. That happened to me & my husband one day in traffic. A guy that looked

just like Davey pulled up in the lane next to us. I couldn't help it---I just could

not take my eyes off him. Then the light changed, and he was gone.

Dee---Thinking of you, friend, as ERi's  Angel Day approaches. Your walks &

bike rides probably help you....being out in nature always helps me. Emotions

come flooding up and spill over, leaving us in a crying heap of misery, but as you say,

it does get softer with time. Peace & prayers.

Sonya----People who do not know, firsthand, the devastation of losing a beloved

child cannot possibly understand how it feels. You were right to tell her that the

pain/crying will always be with you........a bit softer with time......but will never

fade.  Our love, and memories of the greatness of our child/children is not going

to fade. It is very painful (and a bit aggravating) to hear someone say 'she should

be "over" it by now'.   I get hurt when people talk to me on & on incessantly about

their kids.......never thinking about my dear Davey, long in his grave.  I guess to

them, it is "out of sight, out of mind"... It's never that way for us, us it?

I tend to keep more to myself anymore becuase fo this kind of stuff.Take care,

and peace be with you, friend.

          Hope everyone is able to get a good night's rest tonight.

                  Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry   

[ericasmom]

a photo of my great niece Mara and newest great niece Aeri Moon, named to hear the sound of ERI.

[summergirl]

Dee - Beautiful Pics !!!

Sonya - I love the idea of writing in the book at your mom and dad's beach house. What a wonderful feeling to be able to read Danielle's words each time you go and to be able to continue to write in it still. The shells and beach glass are my favorite thing to do at Gin Beach...I am up early, grab my coffee and off I go on my walk, past all the sleeping campers, watching the fishing boats as they head out for the day, the gentle waves on the shore and the sand between my toes.....it is a peace I find no where else but here. Have a great time, it is so nice that you all continue the week at the beach house.   I have a tatoo on my upper thigh, a small butterfly I got when I turned 40 !!  I love it and am going to get one for Jessica....not sure what yet. I do not like alot of tatoo's and I do not like them where you can see them all the time...however I think I want one on the top of my foot....painful but worth it.

Long night tonight....took Tavian shopping for new sneakers as he is a 4 now, just bought 3's about 2 months ago !! Sure is growing.....then we had to get all the new camper equipment - tooth paste, shampoo. etc, etc. He was so good....I gave him the word before we hit the store....we get everything on mi-mi's list and if he is good and helps then he can have one thing within limits...he got a new tackle box !! He is down stairs now checking it out....love that boy.

To all indigos I am too tired tonight to respond to all but you are in my thoughts always and in my heart....Peace, love and strength, Kathy

[rlolheiser]

Really depressed tonight.  Somebody ran over my little guys dog, My son has been off with his daddy all day and nght and doesn't know yet.  I keep watching the window and waiting for them to come home.  I don't know how he will take it, I didn't even like the dog that much but have done nothing but cry... guess I am just stressed.

I wanted to let everybody know I am thinking of you!  I didn't read the posts tonight.. my brain is all over the place (what is left of it) I can't concentrate.  Hugs to all who need them or want them.. heck, even if you don't want them.. I still hug you:-)

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[Guest]

Mariah just came to me and quietly said she missed her mommy.  I snuggled and cuddled and she began crying those gut wrenching, heart wrenching sobs.  I just held her tight and let her cry.  "I want my mom!"  She sobbed.  I just old her "I know, Honey."

I tucked her into bed and put the stuffed animal from Stephanie in bed with her.  Her loud sobs worried the other two children, I reassured them it is not only okay to cry, but healthy.

Love the picture of your niece and Ari, Dee.  Holding space and energy for you as Eri's angel date fast approaches.

They do grow fast, don't they, Kathy? 

Peace everyone.........Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[aim630]

Carol-glad to hear the good news about Ralph. I'm glad the doctor let you know right away they didn't find any metastasis. I know waiting for those results had to be difficult, and it would have been hard to get through the weekend not knowing.(I always wondered what the "rs" stood for in Mikesmomrs!)

Westley's mom-my 23 yr old daughter Ashley passed away unexpectedly from complications from H1N1 on February 9th, 2010, so I am in about the same place as you are on this long and difficult road. Some days I get through ok, but today was a really bad day. Tomorrow is my birthday & my aunt gave me an angel called the November angel. (Ashley was born in November). We still have not put Ashley's ashes out yet & she said now I had something to set next to them, maybe I would put them out. My mom and aunt just don't understand how difficult this is. Maybe I am just not facing reality & that's why I'm not ready yet, but if that is how I have to get through, then why can't they just let me do this at my own pace? I have to get through these days , I have a 17 yr old I have to be there for & can't let myself sink into a deep hole of grief.

Speaking of Katie (my 17 yr old), she took the ACT again & brought her score up to a 26. She needed a 25 to get into the school of journalism at Ohio University, so that is a weight off her back (and mine). Although that doesn't guarantee she will be admitted, at least now she has the score to apply.

I haven't been on here for a few weeks, was glad to catch up with everyone's lives. Although I can't address everyone right now, know that I am thinking about all of you & am glad I have this place to come to when I'm feeling down.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[mikesmum]

So I take time off for some R&R and the posts flood in. 

For those enjoying the beach.....ahhhhhh so waiting for the world to turn.

We were in the Macedon Ranges where the temp topped 4c with light snow on Monday.  It was peaceful and the room was lovely.  We found a restuarant called Shotzys.   Owned by a lovely couple the theme is one of love.  The food is splendid and the staff genuinely lovely.

Carol - The news ***yeah*** .  I love that phrase, typed it many times..."able or unable to get a clear view due to the patient's body habitus".  All the more to cuddle!!

Dee - So sorry to hear that you hit that wall.  Dates lead to memories, minutes and times we last held, heard or saw our children...precious tinged with that sadness that only those here would understand.  Hope the sunshine and your great niece brings warmth to your heart.

Sus - Love those pictures, a family united surrounded and protected.  You have taken on much in the memory of your daughter.

Kathy - Another granma reliving her child rearing days in loving memory of her Jess.  Growning out of clothes seems to be what little boys do best!!

Greg - Love the poem - loved the giggles even more...

Well I'm just a bit weary.  R&R makes you tired!! 

Later - Trudi

[ericasmom]

Amy, so good to see Ashley's lovely smile again. I have wondered about you, knowing that the roller-coaster may have taken you for a couple of extra loops. Our emotions are like a long ride at a bad carnival sometimes, and the place on your timeline, while it seems like yesterday and a lifetime ago all wrapped up in one that Ashley died, is still fairly recent. You might need to tell Auntie and Mom that Amy, that relatively speaking, we have forever yet to be without our Child, and so if not putting ashes out, or buying a stone for a grave marker, or whatever other kinds of delays to our physical acceptance of our Child's death are showing, not to worry about it. That is not the important part right now, the important part is where you are. YOU, not where others think you should be. Some may feel that you have not faced the reality of things yet, but I would beg to differ, I don't think anyone of us at the 6 month mark did not realize or really know that our Child was no longer here, though 7 years later and there are days when I just friggin' can't believe it. But the facts are that you are a grieving Mom, trying to support the emotions of your teen Daughter and maintain your job and your husband's illness, while still going through the day to day of your most sad loss. Your Auntie and Mom want to know that you are going to be okay and somehow for many, especially of that generation, believe that there are signs that would say that you are getting along, one of which is placing or displaying the ashes. Everyone has their own sense of things, and after having so much of what we thought we could control a bit-- taken from our lives, we get to decide when and if and how we choose to acknowledge our loss.

I wish you well, that somehow the sun shines on you in such a way tomorrow that you feel the warmth of Ashley.

Peace to you.

Leah, what a very sad story about the dog. I would be the same way, agitated adn unable to focus on anything but the tragic circumstances of the dog being killed. Please keep us informed as to how your Little Guy has handled the news.

Blessings to Him, to the Pup, and to You as you have to be the bearer of sad news.

[ericasmom]

Trudi, we posted at the same time, so glad to see your Sunshine smiling out at us. I am thrilled that you had a good time resting and relaxing. I somehow must have missed the message that you were going off to have a holiday time. Good going Sister.

May the quiet and warmth of the time away fill your soul and keep a smile in your soul.

Love you,

dee

[mikesmum]

Its my birthday June 30th.  Mikes birthday is June 4th which made me 26 days short of my 20th birthday when I had him.  That connection has and will always be part of me.  Sadness on his day, even more when I live another year without him.  We both thought winter birthdays sucked!! 

This year Mal and I went to the "Mountains".  Here are some of my pics.....Know you're around Mike....I just feel it in my bones..

Mount Macedon Cross - For all the servicemen in all wars.  This cross and the surrounding mountains were burnt beyond recognition in 1983...The energy and spirit embraced me here. The temp 1C!

Luckily there was a cafe at the top of the mountain....you are all with me...

This was a little cottage from the 1800's.....I could see me there with a roaring log fire......

Some of the locals curious about my camera!!

Trudi

[lostwoher]

 Happy Birthday my Indigo Sister Trudi!!!

xo

[lostwoher]

 Sharing tears with those of you having difficult times. I love the summer but it is also a reminder of what was will never be.

We are fast approaching the 2 yr mark and it is weighing heavily on my mind/heart. Alot of you know that feeling and are coming to the angelversaries in your lives. Thinking of and hugging you all.

Lynn aka Kayla & Travis's mom always

Enjoyed all the photos that has recently been posted. Thank you for sharing!

[ericasmom]

TRUDI----

Blessings to the Universe as it lined up just right to bring you into this world. I am so glad to know you.

May this be a year of great fortune, of deep spiritual peace, of continued growth and connections.

I know Mike was walking along with you as you wandered the sites. I picture him riding alongside you next to your heart.

Peace

dee

[mikesmomrs]

TRUDI, happy, happy birthday.... though I know that now it is yesterday for you there on the other side of the world...that's just another good reason to keep the celebration going, and yes, I agree with Dee, the universe lined up just right to bring you into this world...and, of course, Mike was smiling and celebrating his wonderful mum's birthday, as well.  So glad that you found some peaceful moments and reasons to smile on your get away...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Amy, so good to see your precious Ashley, and to hear from you again. 

Leah:  I am so sorry about the little dog and I send you strength to be able to handle telling your little one about it...I know that he will find comfort in your arms. 

Lynn:  Lovely to see Kayla's smile, and we are with you as these days are troubling for you...summer, along with the approaching dates...  summer can be bittersweet for me, too, as it was also Mike's most wonderful time of year...he suffered from SAD for years---some winters weren't as bad as others, but he was always so glad to see that calendar move on into the days of sun and light and warmth...as sad as it makes me to not have him here, it also makes me happy that he has those wonderful days surrounding him always now....no more dark days of winter for him. 

Dee:  Praying for peaceful thoughts to cradle you to sleep...these days approaching for you, also, are sleep-robbing and heart-rending...  Thank you so much for the German short-hair heart...I showed it to Ralph...he loved it!  Thank you for thinking of us.  I also loved the pic of your niece and beautiful Ari...sounding so like Eri...a beautiful sound, always.   

Sonya:  I love that you can go to the beach house and pick up Danielle's book and put yourself into her writing, letting it seep into your heart once again...enjoy.  I am sorry that thoses around you think that Sonya's being "not here" means that she is gone, and should be "gotten over."  If only those who think that way could realize that they are make our grieving that much more difficult, because one of the most grevious things about losing our child is that they will be forgotten...we want all to know that THEY LIVED, they are more than just a distant memory...they were, are, and always will be a PART OF US, just as much as our skin, our hearts, our minds...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[westleysmom]

I love seeing the pictures from all over.  It makes me feel like I'm right there with everyone. 

Amy-So sorry to hear of the loss of your Ashley.  What a beautiful girl.  My birthday was in May, it was very sad.  Westley died the week before his birthday, so that was really hard.  All I can tell you is that your birthday won't be the worst day ever, you've had that.  My family is also having a hard time knowing what to do around me and my husband.  I try to just remember that they love us and they're doing the best they can.  Sometimes it makes me feel better to think I'm the "most sad" and they're doing better than me (so I don't have to worry about them, too), and sometimes I want everybody to be the "most sad" (because he's gone and its the worst thing that's ever happened, at least to me).  I think the first few months we're facing the ENORMITY of our loss, and sometime later, the PERMANENCE of it, at least that's how its been for me.  I know Westley's gone, I've known that from the moment I saw him lying on that ER table.  I just didn't process the unending nature of his gone-ness, because that's something you can't do all at once.  It happens everyday, almost every moment.  So it sounds like you're doing the best you can too.  Don't let other people push you when you're not ready, even if they love you and mean well.  My two cents.  And Happy Birthday.  Oh and congratulations on Katie's 26 on the ACT.  That's wonderful! 

I've already had an experience where I saw a boy that looked just like Westley if you squinted.  White t-shirt, dark hair cut really short, stocky build.  It was at a family restaurant and a lot of our family was there.  I just kept staring at him and I couldn't stop.  Tears came in my eyes and I tried to sit very still and not breathe hard, so maybe no one would notice.  My MIL asked me if I was okay, and my SIL offered to go outside with me.  There was live music, so not everybody had noticed.  We got outside and I came unglued.  She was understanding, especially when she saw the boy come outside to leave.  My sister wasn't there, but she wants us to go back there for July 3.  I just don't know if I can do it. 

Rhonda, Westley's Mom

[westleysmom]

And I forgot to say Happy Birthday to Trudi!  Love the pictures.  Today is my sister's birthday too.  I know I'm going to miss telling somebody happy birthday! 

[mikesmomrs]

Rhonda:  I am so sorry that you had that experience at the restaurant...but I am glad that your MIL was understanding...that seems to be a rarity...  I also understand your statements of the "Permanence" sinking in...Before I retired, at work I used to have a saying on my desk, written by Edna St. Vincent Millay:  "The presence of his absence is everywhere."  It pretty much summed it up...everywhere I looked, he was gone from.  Sometimes we can't put our feelings into words, and that is how I was until I read that quote.  In some strange way, it comforted me to finally see it in words. 

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[lolynbo]

KATHY, OUR LIL TAVIAN IS GROWING UP, THANK YOU FOR SHARING HIM WITH US...HE IS SO BEAUTIFUL...LIL HIS ANGEL MOMMY...

KATHY AND ALL, I TOO TOOK KODY SHOPPING FOR NEW TENNIS SHOES...SIZE 12 FOR MY BABY...HE IS GOING TO BE 18 IN FEW DAYS (JULY 22)...LAST KOURTNEY KNEW HE WAS 15, .....HES A MAN...BUT ALWAYS MY BABY..

WE HAVE A FULL BOAT THIS YR ON THE LAKE FOR THE 4TH...WE HAVE A LARGE 16 PERSON HARRIS FLOTBOAT PONTOON....AND WE ARE ALL GOING TO BE PIRATES....THIS IS HOW WE WILL DECORATE OUT BOAT...I HAVE BOAT ALMOST ALL U SEE HERE, EXCEPT IM ADDING FISHNET (TAN) AND SHELLS...ANCHOR, BOUYS, AND A SHIPS WHEEL...WERE ALL WEARING BLACK SWIMMYS AND EYE PATCHES AND PIRATE DORAGS....SHOULD BE FUN...JUST MY LIL PARTNER MISSING...KOURTNEY LYNN

[lolynbo]

TRUDI SWEET GIRL HAPPY BIRTHDAY..OLD ENOUGH TO BUY BEER FINALLY...WE LOVE YOU AND SO GLAD YOUR PART OF OUR FAMILY...HAVE A BLESSED DAY..

[daniellemom]

^{Lorri – Have fun on the boat and be careful!}  

^{Rhonda – Glad your SIL and MIL both understood, if you do not feel you can attend on the 3rd don’t.  You should only do what you can and not what others think you should be able to do.}  

^{Trudi – 29 again!!!  Happy Birthday!!  We just keep getting younger and younger! – Glad you are back from your holiday and the pictures are great!}

^{Carol – How is Davis?  How about Cathi?}  

^{Amy – So glad to see Ashley’s smiling face this morning!}

^{Lynn – My thoughts and prayers are with you.}

^{Kathy – Have a great time at the beach, I will be thinking of you.  How I wished we could take that walk together in the morning on the beach.  Stop putting miracle grow in Tavian’s food.}

^{Leah – so sorry to hear about the little dog, I hope your son didn’t take it too hard.  I also hope your day today is much better than yesterday.}

 ^{Dee – the picture of your nieces are beautiful!!  I hope you slept better last night!}

 ^{Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)}

[westleysmom]

Just trying out the picture.  I decided to use the one I showed you before because its the best one I have on my computer.  In the past few years I didn't take many pictures because he didn't like to have his picture made.  It makes me feel bad that I didn't.  Everything makes me feel bad most of the time.  You all know what I mean. He was so handsome. I miss him.  

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[daniellemom]

Rhonda - Love the picture of your Wesley! 

Dee - you asked about the kids, sorry I forgot to tell you.  James is washing cars 40 hours a week, it's hard work but I think it's good for him.  He continue to have a 4.0 GPA this year at State.  He returns to school August 3, for training because he is going to be a resident advisor.  Mattie is busy with her Daddy, in the garden and playing.  It's hard to keep her inside even if the weather is 100+.  We are trying to keep her cool and hydrated.  James is not going to the beach with us this week but will go to the whole family beach trip on July 17.  All my sisters, and brother and their kids + Mom and Dad all go down for a week.  We get a couple of house and hang out together all week. 

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[rlolheiser]

Happy Birthday Trudi

Lots of birthdays in June, mine was the 7th.

Thanks for the kindness about our little dog.  I waited all night for them to come home, and when he did, he already knew about it.  My sister-in-law had to tick me off and go to the job site to tell them.  I was so surprised.. my boy took it so much better than I did.. he didn't seem sad or depressed.  He just told me it was ok, cause he gave Dozer (the dog) to JaBoa.  I didn't know what to say.. thankfully he was so tired out he went to sleep almost right away.  My husband and his family just wanted to dump the dog in the garbage.. but my family always went through the process of burying.  They think I am nuts.. I went out and dug a deep hole.. I had to take a break.. he wants to have a service with flowers this afternoon and invite the cousins.  I will be glad when the day is done.  I guess children just bounce back thankfully.. my bounce just doesn't bounce so good these days.

Thoughts and prayers to everybody in these hard times.  I know so often the grief drowns us where we don't feel we can breathe anymore, but coming here to tread the waters really helps to get through the days

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[mikesmum]

Thank you all so much for your kind wishes on yet another 21st birthday (lol)!  The pictures are to remind me of the wonderous place in which I still live.  I take Mike with me (in my heart and mind).  There was a time when he would travel to place with Lauren (think Glinda) and enjoy life - with that in mind I share my travels.

This site is where people get that  days are tinged with an edge of sadness.  I will always believe Mike had a hand in guiding me here.

Rhonda - Everything in your post is mirrored here for all.    I just didn't process the unending nature of his gone-ness, is something now at 3 1/2 yrs that can crush my heart and stop my breathe.  The seeing a 'look-a-like' does the same. 

Leah - A funeral for a dog is part of the process for your son's loss.  Sorry you're SIL felt the need to break the news before you got a chance..some people can't think past their square.

Dee - These past days I have felt closer to Mike than I have for awhile.  I hope this month of July sees Eri wrapping you with her energy, reminding you of your life and times with her.

Lyn - Know the allergies are only part of the heaviness this summer.   A reminder of what was will never be. Anther very poignant thought shared I'm sure by all here.

Lorri -  A pirate ship - sounds brilliant.  The growing boy - yep I remember those yrs.  Standing in a store surrouned by shoes as big as the boxes they came in thinking "didn't we just do this'?  

Carol - Yes many reasons to smile.  While having a coffee at the top of Mt Macedon there was the usual background music.  Without warning "in the arms of the angels played'.  Its on Mikes memorial page and usually debilitates me beyond recognition.  This time it just felt like Mike was there letting me know at some level its okay.

Borrowed this Carol - Hope you don't mind.

[align=center]"The presence of their absence is everywhere."  [/align]

[align=left]Muttley walk time.  He missed out while we were away so best make it up to him....[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[daveydow1]

Leah---So sorry to hear about the little dog. It must have been difficult

for you to tell your son. How is he doing with that? Bless him.

Amy---You are right.....sometimes family just does not get how deep our pain

goes, and how it is there 24/7 , especially in the early days, weeks, months.

Congrats to Katie, and hope she gets to go to Ohio U....it's a good school....

my older son graduated from there a few yrs. ago.

Trudi---Oh, thanks for all the pics. The 1800's cottage looks so inviting, and the

cows are so cute. Cows-------they are hilarious when they are so curious . 

 Davey and I were both born under the same sign---Libra. He in Sept. and me

in Oct.  I understood him so well.

Dee-----Thanks for the pics of Mara and sweet little Aeri. Mara isn't the baby's

mom is she?   I say that because Mara looks so young. Anyhow....they are both

a cute as can be.  Went to pick up my vacuum sweeper today  (in the shop for a

minor repair).  The owner of the vacuum shop had his cat tied on a leash at the

back door of the shop. Cute orange kitty. I marveled at the way the cat was so

calm, being on a leash. I tried that with my fat cat once----Bad idea--didn't work out.

When I ask the cat's name, he said  "Kirby" .

           take care all here in the BI family.

                       Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry