Loss of an Adult Child

[daniellemom]

Carol – Prayers for Ralph and you today, I hope and pray the test results are clear and a course of action is given right away, enough of this waiting to see.  

Sherry – Have a great time with the grandchildren tonight for a sleepover.  

Greg – Great picture of your grand-daughter, I can see where she gets her good looks from, so much like her Daddy.  Also, love the different color socks, Danielle always did that.

Sus – Glad you worked hard in the hard and house yesterday, that always makes me feel good, not that I do very much of that anymore.  

Dee – So nice that you were able to share with Victoria’s mother.  We just never know who is walking in these same shoes.

Lorri – Sorry that your sister just doesn’t get it and I hope and pray she never does.  My sister-in-laws don’t get it either so I don’t spend too much time around them.  

Colleen – Happy Anniversary!  22 years is a long time, Timmy and I just celebrated our 25^th on May 18.  Not that we celebrate because Mattie’s birthday is the 20^th so we just say happy anniversary and move on, this year we both had cards for each other, I think they are still on the microwave, unsigned.  Maybe I should go put it away for next year. 

Rhonda – Nice to have your name but Wesley’s mom is still Ok, I love being known as my kid’s mother, but with Mattie a lot of her friends ask if I’m her grandmother.  I’ve been rode hard and put up wet.  Not sure what that means but whenever someone looked bad that’s what my granddaddy said.  

Betsy – Good luck with the move to stay with your Aunt I hope this will be a great fit for you and her.

I’m going to learn to post pictures of Mattie and James in photo bucket.  I hope!  

Everyone have a great weekend.

Trudi – The dancing in kinda like line dancing but its exercise, I call it dancing so I will continue to go and not feel bad when the weight does not come off.  I think in Ball Room dancing you have to have a partner and that’s not happening with my husband.  

Kathy – Love the pictures of my son-in-law!  Keep them coming!

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

[Guest]

I am definitely a luck woman.  My husband not only dances, in the past he taught lessons and competed.  Country, of course.  He makes me look good.  We dance around the floor smiling at each other, the envy of the dance floor.  What people don't know is, underneath the smile, Gary is counting my steps..  "Quick, quick, slow, slow".....or "One two three, four five six (waltz).   We've danced together for years, but I still don't hear the beat and I lose my step if I am distracted (easy to do) so he keeps me straight. 

We haven't been dancing in over a year.  First the kids, then Steph's death.  Maybe I'm ready to give it a try again.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Shrug.

Susannah

[lolynbo]

ITS BEST IF MONTY DOESNT DANCE....I ON THE OTHER HAND LOVE LOVE LOVE TO DANCE....SADLY HE CAN NOT...ITS NOT PRETTY AT ALL

[mikesmomrs]

"ITS BEST IF MONTY DOESNT DANCE....I ON THE OTHER HAND LOVE LOVE LOVE TO DANCE....SADLY HE CAN NOT...ITS NOT PRETTY AT ALL..."

Ralph used to "imbibe."  Not much, not often, but enough that when he did, we would dance.  That was the ONLY time he would dance...many, many moons ago, since he quit drinking beer in 1980 (another of those wonderful, life-long gifts from God)...Since then, we've slow danced a few times, but very, very few.  As Lorri said...not pretty.  lol!  But, that's okay; he does laundry really well...

We won't know anything about his test from yesterday until sometime next week.  I am supposed to call the doctor on Tues or Wed.  We then have the 2nd opinion in Boston on Thurs, the 1st.  I feel as though my new home is the van.  Thankfully, I love my van...

Sus:  your thoughts are always welcomed...I love to read your "thinking out loud" posts.  I have kind of felt that same way towards Mike's leaving here...he had just gotten everything "buttoned down," he and Sarah had married, Damon was born.  Mike had always worked since high school, usually very hard, but he had finally found a really, really good job, that he really liked though was finding it hard to get "good" at...little did we know at the time that his brain was smushed so much by the tumor that the whole right side of his brain was not working right!  The tumor was so large, that his brain was completely pushed over to the other side, over the mid-line, so not much was working properly.  Anyway, Mike, in his 20's, had at times taken some paths through his life that caused him and those who loved him some pain, but he was finally on a road that seemed to be a good fit for him, and for everyone else.  Then, wham!  But, as I have said before, I knew, I always knew, that he would not outlive us.  From the time he was five...I got one of those "talking to" that you refer to sometimes...not words, just thoughts that formed in my brain, and I knew.  I didn't know how or when, but I knew.  I didn't think of it often, hardly ever, but when the time came, I remembered and it was almost an "aha" moment...long before Oprah ever coined the term...  And it was almost as if Mike knew---the raced through life, head-first, no looking back, no holding back, either, and did so many things that were just not on the path of "normal."  But, many here have said the same thing...our kids seemed to sense that their lives would be different, and shorter.  And they were.

Dee:  the poem that you are writing...it is really stirring...brings tears each time I read it. 

Greg:  your beautiful Alyssa...so, so much like her daddy...

Betsy:  I too wish you luck with your decisions and possible moving...your Aunt will be lucky to have you with her, and perhaps the move will help to steer you in the right direction.  Rich is with you, no matter which way you decide to go. 

Rhonda:  thanks for sharing your name---Of course, no matter our name, we will always be "Westleysmom,"  "Mikesmom,"  "Erica's mom," or "Danielle's mom"....etc.  As Dee said, and others, I think, we will all become familiar to you after a time...it is difficult to remember everyone and who goes with whom...but it will come, in time. 

Got to go...been in the car all afternoon and have GOT to take a nap before the game comes on...if only I can quiet my brain down long enough...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

 

 

[briansdad]

I'm not much for boot scootin.I never saw the fun in dancing.BUT I will slow dance so I can grab my main squeeze. I remember in high school they made us learn to dance.God I hated doing the polka.

[4everjoeysmom]

Susannah, my husband also danced in the country competition circuit and in several states. After he met me that all went to the wind, as it takes a lot of time to rehearse, travel, etc. He's a great dancer. We just never have an opportunity to do that anymore. But maybe next time we travel home together...who knows?

[ericasmom]

I love the term, boot-scootin. Never heard that but I am with you Greg, hated learning and doing the polka. Sorry guys who like it, I also dislike the music. I do however love to dance, but nothing that requires knowledge of how to move a certain way and counting and twirling, I am one of those folks that dances like the stray folks at rock festivals. My husband does the laundry well also Carol, and does not dance. WE danced slow, but not real steps just fumbling along, at a few weddings, but that is the extent of his dancing.

Thanks Carol, and with the possible hurricane moving in, the possibilities for more oil looms. Husband looked at me to remind me that there is nothing we can do to change this.

PRAY.

[Guest]

"I was country, when country wasn't cool."  Grew up on it.  I was surprised that there are a lot out there who don't like it. 

My teenage years were the days of 8-tracks and the BeeGee's.  I loved the Carpenters, Barry Manilow and Neal Sedaka (forgot how to spell his name).  Saturday Night Fever and Jaws were the movies of the day.  Carrie, played by Sissy Spacek was the horror film that scared me away from ever watching horror films again. 

Oh....Olivia Newton John.  Loved her.  Linda Ronstad, Carol King and The Monkeys.

My grandkids will be talking about Justin Beiber, The Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana and Edward Cullins (Twilight).  I do remember my mother singing to Dean Martin and Patsy Cline before we were put in foster homes.  I adored her.  I thought she had the best singing voice.  I didn't know she had a speech impediment until I was 15 yrs old and my social worker pointed it out.  I hated him for mentioning it.  She was born with a cleft palat.  To me she was perfect. 

Sweet memories. 

 

 

[ericasmom]

OK, Sus and anyone else who loves to read, must read HOW HIGH THE MOON, by Sandra Kring, I have read all of her stuff, this is her latest...oh my goodness, poignant, but the funny is darn funny.

Love ya,

dee

[Guest]

I googled How High the Moon, Dee.  I think I may go buy it right now!  Thanks.

Susannah

[summergirl]

Dear Indigo's - I wish I had the time tonight to answer all the posts but it is late and my body is weary and Tavian need me.

Tavian ended up calling me last night crying, he was having a sleep over at his friends house and wanted to come home, I went to pick him up and when we got in the car he fell into my arms sobbing...I asked him what happened and his reply was "we were watching cartoons and the tv looked just like the one mommy had and I remember we used to a picnic on the floor and watch movies"  I said "what do you miss the most", he said "everything mi-mi, everything".....we cried together and then I took a deep breath and said "now tell me something happy about mommy that will make us both laugh" - he said "mommy was funny and she made me laugh but it is just so hard mi-mi and it isn't fair" then he cried some more....I just held him and told him to let it all out, it was ok to cry and be sad......then he took a deep breath and said "I am ok mi-mi", he dried his tears and home we went. He ran inside and jumped in Barry's lap and hugged him then came and snuggled with me and was soon fast asleep.   I lay awake for a long time, tears falling and heart hurting so much for him......calling all Angels to give me the strength and wisdom to help him.

I love you all and thanks for listening. Need to spend some time with Tavian, he wants to watch a movie.   Peace, love and strength, Kathy

[lolynbo]

AHHH KATHY THAT JUST TORE ME UP...POOR TAVIAN...BUT IM SO THANKFUL HE REMEMBERS GOOD OR BAD...

JUST SAW TOY STORY 3 WITH KODY MONTY AND BROOKE...I DIDNT CRY BUT IT JUST REMINDED ME OF A SIMPLER HAPPY LIFE I HAVE NO MORE...MY LIL ONES AT HOME..INNOCENCE...

[rlolheiser]

Thinking tonight of Tavian..  May he find peace in his life, and know that he is never alone his mom is with him always.  Jessica, be with your mom and little boy, hold their hands as they walk thier path.

Betsy.. I sure hope everything goes well for you

Carol, sending you love and praying for you and your husband to have strength through all you do.

JaBoa's mom came to visit.  I think she only came to use my laundry.  Her boyfriend called her cell phone and I heard her say she was visiting her grandma.  He made sure she had to yell hi grandma!.. my mother was upset.. and asked her why he didn't say him mom.. but there was no answer.  I guess being used was ok, it cost me a little bit of heart, some water, electricity, and detergent but I got to see my year old grandson.  JaBoa's mom wanted some of the things she left here that was JaBoa's, I couldn't give it to her, I told her that they move around to often and don't take things with them.  I can't bear to lose these few belongings of my baby..maybe I was in the wrong.. but I guess deep down I don't care.. at least I know where these items are.

Hoping all my BI family is safe..  I think of you always

Leah/Jaboa's grandma

[Guest]

Kathy - The way you handled Tavian's grief was just perfect.  I'm going to pack it away in my "memory bank" in case I ever need to draw on it, myself.

Dee - Waldenbooks, the bookstore in the mall, didn't have How High To The Moon.  I'm going to order it on Amazon.com.  It's cheaper.  I just wanted to read it RIGHT NOW!

I ended up buying "My Name Is Memory" by Ann Brashares (Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants).  I'm already lost in it.  Gary is also settling in with his new book, Junkyard Dogs by Craig Johnson.   Until our books are read, it's a sure bet not much else will get done this weekend.  Neither one of us are disciplined enough to put down a book once we get interested in it. 

I do have to make time to take the kids shopping this weekend.  They all get new outfits for the adoption. 

Love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Leah, I don't think you were wrong in not giving her the things she wanted.  I wish I had held onto some of the things from Steph's childhood that I gave to her.  They are gone, never to be seen again.  Even the antique vanity I gave her, worth a lot of money, was left in one of the apartments they abandoned in the middle of the night.  Mostly, it's her artwork I wish I had kept.  She was so talented and most of it is who knows where.

You did the right thing, Leah.

Susannah

[ericasmom]

Leah, I too think that it was just fine to say NO to your Daughter, you cannot take these few things that I keep in her honor, for my own heart. One day, if she settles herself and you feel she is more responsible or ready, you may want to pass a few things her way, but maybe not. No apologies or regrets on that one Leah, those are the tangibles left to you, and they do become the touchstones for us. Keepsakes. I have several, though I did give things away to Erica's friends adn cousins, I have kept some things. Today my husband put on a Neil Young show that we have on CD. He sang, as he does on many of his shows, Long May You Run. I cried. Long may you run Angels.

Kathy, you held your Boy as he let his tears tumble out, his emotions allowed as they need to be. Good for you both. The triggers that sometimes un-do you, me, everyone here, can and do melt down the Young Ones too. Sometimes a visual or auditory spark can set off a whole chain of memories, and we adults are caught off guard in the mall, or at a restaurant, or at work. So when the children do it, well, we must let them know that it is something that happens to us too. You are a good Grammy, and I am so glad that he is feeling safe.

Sus, glad that you have a book to sink your brain into, but I do feel you will love the Sandra Kring book. I have loved all of hers, never before have I read a writer with so authentic a voice of a child. She must have either grown up in strange home or family life, or has known kids that have, because she captures so much in her main characters. I laughed out loud many times today while reading.

Sleep well All, knowing that you are dearly loved by your Angel.Full MOon staring in the window, so beautiful, a halo around it which means...moisture. It is pearlized cream sitting low in the sky. Make a wish.

dee

[summergirl]

It is after mid-night and I still cannot sleep as tired as I am.

Thank you all for you wonderful, helpful comments. I do the best I can with Tavian but sometimes I am just so heartbroken that it is me and not "mommy" who dries his tears....I hate that he is just 8 and has been through what no child should have to do....just like a parent should not.... Tonight he was much better, very snuggly and so very excited about going into the 3rd grade !!  Oh my-- wasn't I just dropping him to kindergarden and crying like a baby ???  Now it 3rd grade and his own locker, I think he is more excited about that than anything.  His report card was fantastic, he is now reading at grade 5 level and math at grade 4 level, his teacher sent home a list of books she wants him to read over the siummer....he asked me tonight if we can go get some of them   

Leah - you did the right thing and don't beat yourself up about it....keeping JaBoa's things safe with you, well good for you...hang on tight to them.    I have a t-shirt that was Jessica's when she was 2 - it says "daddy's girl" - it is so tiny...I also have her first shoes......treasures of the heart

Dee - my wise friend, how I love to read your posts....

We could all write a book couldn't we ??   There was a time when I thought of writing to Ophra and telling her about this site thinking she might do a show on it and then I thought "I do not want the world to know about this site....only those who need to be here and find their way here should be" - to share with the whole world would bring alot of "curious and unwanted attention" - not to mention those who would use it for bad things. I know that anyone can come here but I think many more would visit if we exposed ourselves.   Making sense or babbeling ?????

Ok - lights out and sleep, going to go to the ocean tomorrow for a little family time. One more week and then it is off to Gin Beach camping for a whole week..  Love you all, Kathy 

[mikesmomrs]

Yes, Leah, I agree---you did the right thing in not letting JaBoa's things go...they would likely be scattered...better to wait until you see some signs of stability.  We had some things of my oldest daughter that she left in California when she came to Italy to join us, after we got sent there by the Air Force.  She didn't want to come...wanted to stay and become independent...she had just turned 18.  Three months later, she came to Italy, minus all of her things that she left with a friend whom she had met after we had left. Never, ever saw any of it again.  We sent the friend money, called her, wrote to her, etc., but she "never found the time" to send any of it.  A lot of Kim's art work (she's a very talented artist) was never seen again...heartbreaking.  So, hold onto those things that mean so much to you...you are the only one you can trust with them, for now.

Kathy:  the heartbreak you feel when Tavian expresses his sorrow at missing his mommy so much is so painful, and yet it is, as others have said, good that he feels he can come to you and share it with you...there is much comfort in that for him...and for you, as I am sure you must feel some sense of "well, this I can do" when in the face of those "out-of-my-control" feelings regarding not being able to bring Jessica back for him.  Yes, you are a very good grammy, indeed.  So glad that Tav is anxious to get his summer reading, and also that he did so well in school this year.

Sus:  Be sure to take pictures of the adoption and all those beautiful babies in their new clothes...a picture of all of you, faces together...love jumping off the page...I can just imagine it! 

Dee:  How are your flowers...are they drying out, or is it still raining?  I drove by a "cottage style" garden today, with just tons of flowers everywhere, and thought of your garden and how it must look in full bloom.  Is yours "cottage style" or orderly?

Cathi was supposed to sing the National Anthem at the baseball game tomorrow (the game played by the Maine State triple AA team, whose home base is in her city), but she was in so much pain today with her back that she had to call and cancel...we haven't heard her sing since before Mike passed (except for the song she sang at his services, which she had recorded a few days earlier, by his request)...we were really looking forward to hearing her once again...another affirmation that she is moving through this journey of living life without her brother, but I guess it wasn't meant to happen yet...she has another date set for next month, so maybe then.  I used to love to go to gigs when she sang with her band, seems like many moons ago now...  She does some writing now...did a blog for a couple of years, but when she changed her job, it had so many new responsibilities that she got away from it.  I know that she would like to get back to it, but has said that it seems to take a lot of thought and moving through much procrastination to start something now, since Mike died...hmmm, we know that feeling, don't we...  Anyway, she wrote this recently, spurred on by re-reading a column she wrote two weeks after Mike's diagnosis with brain cancer,---and one week before we knew it was fatal...(the link to that earlier column is below)

"Speaking of summer, I finally got my garden in. I have tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, corn, and some herbs. I have tons of flowers, and my roses and clematis are coming in beautifully with a little TLC from me. It’s not much, but it looks much, much better than last year’s mess. My roses never bloomed, my vegetables all died. I really haven’t tended my gardening well, to be honest, since…well, since Mike passed away. I’m not blind to the obvious. It’s been hard to nurture my garden…watching plants with their gaudy display of life; it was difficult. I know I’ll never “get over” my brother’s death. But I am ready to begin nurturing life again. I’m not over my brother, but I am at peace with his spirit all around me, in my house, in my car, and behind the life force of all my beautiful plants. So. Let’s dig, baby."

http://bullyforme.wordpress.com/2010/05/28/memorial-day-and-a-dirty-girl-revisited/

I am so glad that she is talking about nurturing life again...Mike, please be there with her, help her, let her know that you are watching over her...

love and peace, my indigo friends...I hope all have a good weekend, free of storms and stress..  Carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, Cathi writes beautifully, like her Momma. I hope that she can continue and I pray that she finds relief with her back. Do you want me to ask my chiropractor if he knows and respects someone up your way? I hope that she will be able to sing at the next game, her voice is gorgeous, remember you played that video for us last summer.

Kath, glad that Tav is snug and happy. We are teapots that sometimes have to bubble over.

Sus, yes new clothes for a new official start. Congrats.

It stormed in the night, huge thunderous rants adn lightning that was unending. Before the rain came though, in the midst of the thunder and electricity outdoors, sang the early morning robins. Peaceful lullabies juxtaposed against the violent storms. And it was their song that let me know to go back to sleep.

[Guest]

"Sometimes when things seem to be going wrong, they are going right for reasons you are yet to understand."  Alan Cohen  (one of my favorite spiritual/motivational authors)

The above quote has proven true in our lives with this battle to get the kids. 

I stayed up late reading my new book.  Gary and I will put together a "want" list for Amazon.com today.  I should have How High The Moon by the end of the week.  I'm sure I will enjoy the book, Dee.  Just reading exerpts from the book motivated me to run to the mall and buy it last night.  Alas, I will have to wait because the mall didn't have it.  :?

Kathy - I SO understand your sadness for Tavian losing his mommy combined with the loss of you losing your daughter.  I remember yelling (at no one) in my face to face grief group that I didn't understand my grief.  With tears and snot running down my face, through broken sobs, I told them I know Stephanie's still alive.  I have a deep faith in life both physically and non-physically.  I told them I've had many experiences, even "burning bush" experiences.  "Why does this hurt so F'n bad!" 

Everyone's attention was on me.  Many wiping their own tears.  The therapist's gaze was sober, serious and quiet.  "Because you're also grieving for your grandchildren and their loss and what they've been through."

It all just seems so unfair.

I am not over my daughter's death, but I find peace in her spirit all around me.  Thank you, Carol and Cathi!  Is it plagarism if I steal her words and use them?  They explain how I feel right now.  I hope it lasts.  I would love to hear Cathi sing.  I don't remember, Carol, do you have a memorial site for Mike?  Is Cathi's song on it?

Well....my kids are hungry!

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanies' mom

[ericasmom]

Other great books by Sandra Kring:

Carry Me Home

My Book of Bright Ideas

and another one that escapes my mind...I went to Googleand it is

 Thank You For All Things

Other books that I LOVE LOVE LOVE- Name All the Animals by Alison Smith-memoir that reads as fiction

Paula, by Isabell Alende',

The Sum of OUr Days by Alende'

Anything by Anne Lamott especially- Bird by bird

Anything by Barbara Kingsolver especially- Poisonwood Bible

Anything by Haven Kimmel- all of it especially A GIRL NAMED ZIPPY

So there are my picks from the day, but there are ever more...

love,

dee

[Guest]

You can't see the light in the light.  My epiphany for the day.  We don't always "see" help when it arrives. 

We are never alone.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  I will pass your compliments along to Cathi.  She does write with such feeling, and frankness.  Your mention of Barbara Kingslover's "Poisonwood Bible" reminds me of a column Cathi wrote a few months after Mike died---after reading that book...(I've not been able to bring myself to read the book..maybe someday...)  (I may have shared this before)

"I move through my grief over my brother's death. I notice so many things I've never noticed; I feel so many feelings I've never felt. I've never experienced grief before. .....I came upon a forum created by a woman whose brother had died; the forum was specifically for grieving siblings. Her "mission statement" is what caught me. She writes: "It is said that when your parents die, you lose your past; when your spouse dies, you lose your present; and when your child dies, you lose your future. However, when your sibling dies, you lose your past, your present, and your future." This moved me to tears - for days.

I know I'm not alone in my grief, and I don't really need a forum to let me know that. My whole family, tens of relatives and friends, we're all grieving for my brother. My mother, however is the only one I know of that still weeps inconsolably, day in, day out. I tear up everyday, I'm sure my sister does too. I'd bet my life that my father cries every day for his only son, his future. My mother, though... My brother was their last born child, their baby, coming a full seven years after his two sisters. His sisters were born so close together to my mother who was barely out of her teens. I can only imagine how overwhelmed she must have been with ......these impossibly delicate and devilish baby girls, ......When my brother came along, things were totally different. Here at last was a child she knew how to hold, how to care for... here was a child she could raise while breathing at the same time.

I've been reading "The Poisonwood Bible" by Barbara Kingsolver, and this passage from a mother's point of view who just lost her youngest child halted my breath, tripped my little hairs, made my heart ache for my mother and not for me or my sister, or my brother, or even my father.

It's different for her."

"As long as I kept moving, my grief streamed out behind me like a swimmer's long hair in water. I knew the weight was there but it didn't touch me. Only when I stopped did the slick, dark stuff of it come floating around my face, catching my arms and throat till I began to drown. So I just didn't stop.

"The substance of grief is not imaginary. It's as real as rope or the absence of air, and like both those things it can kill. My body understood there was no safe place for me to be.

"A mother's body remembers her babies -- the folds of soft flesh, the softly furred scalp against her nose. Each child has its own entreaties to body and soul. It's the last one, though, that overtakes you. I can't dare say I loved the others less, but my first three were all babies at once, and motherhood dismayed me entirely. ......... Together they were my first issue. I took one deep breath for every step they took away from me. That's how it is with the firstborn, no matter what kind of mother you are -- rich, poor, frazzled half to death or sweetly content. A first child is your own best foot forward, and how you do cheer those little feet as they strike out. You examine every turn of flesh for precocity, and crow it to the world.

"But the last one: the baby who trails her scent like a flag of surrender through your life when there will be no more coming after -- oh, that's love by a different name. She is the babe you hold in your arms for an hour after she's gone to sleep. If you put her down in the crib, she might wake up changed and fly away. So instead you rock by the window, drinking in the light from her skin, breathing her exhaled dreams. Your heart bays to the double crescent moons of closed lashes on her cheeks. She's the one you can't put down.

"My baby, my blood, my honest truth: entreat me not to leave thee, for whither thou goest I will go. Where I lodge, we lodge together. Where I die, you'll be buried at last."

from The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver

Posted by Bullyland at January 24, 2007 03:39 PM

 

 I am truly blessed...Cathi "gets it" and I am so thankful for that.  Thank you, Dee, for the list of books...I will look some of them up.

 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

 

 

 

[mikesmomrs]

Sus:  I am sure Cathi would be pleased if you wanted to use her words...

this is the link to the page of Mike's memorial that has her singing the song for him..

http://james-michael.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=8228&page_no=4

she and her friend, Heather, who played the guitar, had to record it ahead of time, as she knew whe would not be able to do it at his services.  So, after they recorded it, they came home and played it for Mike...just a few days before he passed...I have chills all over just thinking about those moments...late that night, like 3 am or so, as I was sitting with him alone, he asked about it again..."Did Cathi do the song yet?"  he didn't remember having heard it earlier, so I played it again for him...just the two of us, sitting there.  He drifted off to sleep.  A few hours later when he woke up, I asked him if he remembered my playing it for him the night before...he grinned at me, and started singing the last part of the chorus, so I knew he did remember this time.  I know he took that with him, in his heart, as he slowly left this plane over the next day or so. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, your words are like Cathi's, both of you so strong in your detail in your word choices. Elegant is a word that comes to mind. An elegant writer.

Boy, those memories of you and Mike alone listening to his Sis singing him Goodbye, good travels, traveling mercies.

Traveling mercies being another fantastic book.

[ericasmom]

A poem I wrote right after Erica died-

Song

Sing her home before she dies

Your familiar voices will carry her there

Singing her home amid our cries

One last song that we can share.

Years later, these songs I will harken

And I am listening for your voices

As the sun sets, skies darken

One more song, so many choices.

You sang her home before she died,

Cradled in your tender trilling

She took comfort there as we cried

One last song…so fulfilling.

Thank you for your music then,

Clear notes of ache and loss and heart,

I will remember over and again,

One final day and how you took part.

[lolynbo]

FOUND THIS LIL METAL BUTTERFLY FOR MY ANGEL KOURTNEY LAST NIGHT AT WALGREENS IT WAS $5.99...SO CUTE IM SURE SHE LOVED IT...I TOOK IT TO HER THIS MORNING B4 GOING OUT ON THE BOAT

[summergirl]

Dear Indigo's - thank you for all the beautiful words, the list of books, the quotes - made my heart happy and sad at the same time....

Lorri - I have that same butterfly...I bought it for the same price at CVS...it sits with Jessica....hers is black and orange and I love it as I know she does....my butterfly girl.

Today was a good day with Tavian....while Barry worked on the camper (needed new floor in bathroom) he and I went to the beach for a few hours, came home and he hung out watching cartoons for a bit and then off we went to the tennis ball courts and we played tennis for about an hour - never played before but we thought we would give it a try - we were bad but had good laughs - during our trying to hit the ball to each other he came over to me and hugged me and said "this is so much fun mi-mi" - it was well worth the aches my body is now feeling !! Amazing how many muscles you don't realize you have until they start to hurt -

Barry and Tavian are watching a movie downstairs so I am upstairs having a bit of quiet time - they are watching Avatar (again)....

Peace, love and strength, Kathy

[rlolheiser]

Thank you all for helping me to feel right about JaBoa's things ((hugs))

So many words that touch my heart.. Carol, your daughter writes beautiful

Dee, your poetry always beautiful!

I am so glad for this site..  it lets me be me..  I am sorry I have to be here, sorry anybody has to be here.. but definitely thankful to be able to read and to be able to post.  Without this site, I am alone.. thanks

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[Guest]

Gary and I both finished our books.  Needless to say, not much else got done.  I did take the kids shopping.  I'll be sure to post pictures.  The excitement is setting in for them as well as us. 

I felt my Stephanie close by tonight.  With the feeling came a nostalgic memory of what it felt like the first week she died.  I thought, "Oh no, here we go!"  thinking the original pain was coming back.  But, it didn't.  It was more of a dull sadness, not that sharp, stabbing pain of shock that seemed to never leave in the beginning.  And, then, it kind of felt like a hug.  Bittersweet.....melonchaly....sad....blessed....relieved...so many conflicting emotions.  I've come a long way since I first found you all.  I have a long way to go.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Morning to the INDIGOS,

it is cloudy and hot, very still right now. We are going to a wedding and we need to leave at around 11:30 so I will go with Shannon to the gym at 8:00 and then come back to get ready for the wedding. It's about 40 minutes away. Blessings to Kristine and Craig as they take this step into their relationship.

I hope that everyone had a good night,  one of deep sleep and/or happy dreams.'

We went to my great nephew Jackson's graduation party yesterday which is about 70 miles from here out in the farmland of Genoa, Illinois. Jackson is a dearheart, good kid. I saw both of my sisters and many nephews, several great nieces and nephews which always just feels good. I was with Arieanna, Ari, and held her for a time, knowing that my Eri, was right there cooing at this baby whose name is so like her own. My nephew Kelly is Ari's Daddy, he and Eri were close. So my heart is full, knowing that life goes on within and without us as George Harrison once sang/ each person leaving a mark to show they were here.

Erica, I love all the marks you have left us. I will love you forever.

[Guest]

More rambling...

Although I don't enjoy this journey through grief, I find it very interesting.  Even when I thought I had been completely destroyed and just a shell of a woman was left to exist the rest of her days in a facade of living, I found it interesting.

I tried to contol it in the beginning.  Trying to survive.  Odd, isn't it?  I didn't want to survive, but did in spite of myself....

Like many of you, there have been many losses in my life.  At the time, those events brought excrutiating pain.  I find myself wondering (or comparing) Stephanie's death to those experiences.  Trying to navigate my way.

As a child, the most traumatic event and the cause of many therapy visits in my adult life, was when my sisters and I were separated and put in foster homes.  I spent the next 8 years going from one home to the other.  Pretending I didn't care and acting happy, but in extreme pain for most of those years.  As an adult, I can absolutely see why we were put in homes, and often wonder why someone didn't do something sooner.  So, I see the good of it.

I see no good coming from the rape and murder of my grandmother.  I see no good from the drowning death of my brother in law and 2yr old nephew.  I see no good from my 18 yr old nephew's suicide.  My first child being born with multiple congenital anomolies.  Watching her suffer.  Finally praying God would heal her or take her.  He/She did neither.  Grateful she lived.  I had to finally come to a place of acceptance and promise I would ask "God" about it when I saw Him/Her.  I no longer have the questions.  The answers don't seem to matter.  What's done is done.  And, I don't know if any answer will satisfy my longing to understand.  As a family we had to walk through the pain, blindly. 

When Stephanie died I kept comparing the pain of losing her to the other extreme losses I've experienced.  Telling myself I made it through all the abuse, abandonment and rejection,nfoster homes, many deaths.....I can make it through this. 

All of above is horrendous by themselves.  Looking back, it's sort of unbelieveable. 

But, none of them were the worst thing that happened.

The worst thing that happened was when my grandchildren were virtually kidnapped from us and we didn't know where they were for over a year.  Then, being contacted by the state that they had them and they had been severely abused.  That was the worst thing.

But, Stephanie's death hurt worse.

I know there is no sense in going backwards in time.  But, I'm honestly amazed by it all.  Sometimes I'm surprised that was my life.

I'm not bitter (except about the kids).  In fact, Gary and I are really happy people.  I have a warped sense of humor.  I've learned to find fun in almost everything I do.

I've discovered the only real key to peace and serenity is acceptance.  I've also learned acceptance does not mean we condone unacceptable behavior.  Actually, it gave me the ability to look at it and then do what needed to be done.

I fought for these kids.  Maybe the first and only real unselfish thing I've done in my life.  There was no other motive than their welfare.

There are times I even thank God for trusting me with the life He/She gave me.  Not just anyone could survive it.  And, then there are times I look up, raise my hands to the sky and demand "What the F***!?"

Today, right now, I am just at peace.  Listening to the kids talk about how excited they are to get adopted and wear their new clothes.  Knowing they're safe.  Grateful I don't have to worry about Stephanie anymore. 

Last week I was angry at the whole thing.  Right now I'm not.  My moods are subject to change.

If you managed to read all of this, and if any of it makes sense, you may need to seek counseling.  LOL

Love y'all!

Susannah/Stephanies mom

[lolynbo]

FIXIN TO HEAD TO CHURCH MONTY IS GETIING RE BAPTISD TODAY...I SHOULD BUT JUST DONT SEEM TO HAVE THE SPIRITUAL ENERGY RIGHT NOW...I HAVE SUCH BAD/MEAN THOUGHTS SOMETIMES...I HATE BEING NEGATIVE THATS NOT ME...IM A PROSITIVE NICE PERSON...BUT LATELY I JUST FEEL NEGATIVE...IM TRYING TO CHANGE IT..JUST RIGHT NOW IM NOT THERE...

WENT OUT ON THE BOAT YESTERDAY JUST ME BROOKE AND MONTY VERY HOT GOT ME A LIL BIT TOO MUCH SUN...

I THINK TO NIGHT AT CHURCH THEY HAVE A HORSE WHISPERER COMING...MAY GO TO SEE THAT...

WELL IF YOU HAVE TIME PRAY FOR ME AND MY NEGATIVE ATTITUDE...I SURE NEED IT

 

 

[ericasmom]

Okay, praying for your negative attitude Lor, but I know it will turn itself around some as you are a nice person, and being negative does not mean not nice by the way. Your niceness shows through even on your darkest mood.

Going through a negative bought is a phase, and because you are aware of it, and you don't like it much, you will find your way back into the light of day. There are things to be learned in each stage.

It is kind of what Susannah said, the trip is nothing we wish to be on, but it is interesting, the many stops along the way for our learning for our venting for our growth, for us to realize that in the face of so much devastation, we still need to be here, still need to show up for others. We do this in honor of our Kids, and we do this in honor of the day before us.

Love,

getting dolled up for the wedding, which means I will look like WHERE's WALDO in dress.

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri:  will pray for you...though I agree with Dee...you will turn this around...the "nice" in you will come through...

Susannah:  I have not made an appt with my shrink, even though I read your entire post...all of your thoughts made sense to me...will be thinking of all of you tomorrow while you are going through the final legal part of your spiritual journey with these children, and they with you and Gary.

I have some good news I'd like to share...hubby's doctor called us and told us that the CT scan they did on Friday of Ralph's lungs is "good."  There are no more growths, no increase in size of those there, and the the picture was clearer this time because their  machine was able to accommodate his "habitus" as they politely call it...(his overabundance, as we call it).  so they are able to more definitely say that they are nothing to worry about as regards to the suspicion that they were cancerous...(metastasis from the kidney cancer)...So, Ralph is very happy about that...as are we all...that has been his/our biggest concern through this whole thing.  So, YAAAAYYYYY!!!!

This past week, for some weird reason, I have again been going over the shoulda-woulda-coulda's regarding Mike...thinking about just about every "wrong" thing ever that I did in his life...really beating myself up...today in church, the main comment in Father's sermon was "the past is past...leave it...let it go...the only thing we can change is the future."  (Sometimes I think he is reading my mind.)  So, today I am concentrating on letting go of the past and concentrating only on "today." 

I hope you all have a good "Today," and Dee---I hope you enjoy the wedding, and I know that you won't look like "Where's Waldo"...you are too beautiful for that!

Trud:  I hope you are enjoying your time away with Mal...good weather, good days, good nights...good eats...wishes for good everything coming your way. 

Carrie and Donna:  Thinking of you as David's birthday you are wished only sweet memories to guide you through the day tomorrow...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAVID...  please surround your family with love and precious memories of your beautiful self... 

 Love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

 

[daveydow1]

Carol-----So glad to hear that Ralph's CT scan was good. Beautiful words to

the song Cathi sang for Mike.

Dee---Lovely poem you wrote for ERz after her passing. I wrote one for

Lisa long ago, but have not seen it for many years.....it might be lost in

time, or just "put away" somewhere. I bet Eri was smiling down when you

held and the sweet baby girl with the name so close to Eri's name.

Lorri----Cute butterfly. Kourtney will love it.

Leah----I agree with the others here who said that you must hold onto some

of Jaboa's things as keepsakes. There were times when I was tempted to give

a particular item of Davey's to someone, then thought better of it, being that I

knew for certain that they would not keep track of it or value it. I gave things to

Dave's brother & sisters. The girls just don't value the things, so I quit giving

it to them. My youngest daughter had a nice 'pig' cookie jar (so cute), that David

 gave her for Christmas. I asked her about the what happened to the cookie jar.

 after Davey passed. She  told me she sold it at a garage sale. I was so

disappointed, but didn't say anything. ( I still have the 'goose' cookie jar he had

given me.)  Sometimes we think that others will treasure these things as we do,

but they don't.   I think that you were right to keep the  things belonging to Jaboa

 that are dear sweet memories. Keep them close to your heart.

Speaking of dancing-------I used to like to dance 'back in the day'.....but no more.

My husband doesn't like to dance (although he will  slow dance at a wedding)

So.....it's about a washout  for dancing for us. :? 

       Peace to all here at BI.

                 Daveysmom,  Sherry 

[ericasmom]

WE're back, and it was an amazing place we enjoyed today. The grounds were all gardens and pathways, 27 acres fosuch, and tents for the different events going on. Because there was only one wedding event today, Kris and Craig got to choose wehre they wanted to take their vows. So many pretty places, and they chose a delightful spot. Then the reception where I ate way TOO much, and had two glasses of wine that went straight to my head. It was about 94 and 90%humidity this afternoon, we had terrifying storms this morning, but it cleared just before the wedding adn the sun broke through, then blue skies. AHHH, then finally a bit of a breeze, but it stayed hot, adn the air did not work in the tent, so I am a bit wrung out, but boy, what a nice wedding. Kris cried, and she never cries so of course, that made me cry more. Sweet.

So Husband and I are pooped but I am going out for a walk to not feel so darn full. Talk with you all later.

CAROL, what fabulous news, that really makes me dance (not well but ...) goodness knows how wondrous the two of you must be feeling.

Forward thinking my Sweet Carol, today is right here, and tomorrow it will be a new today. Backward looks are unavoidable, but we catch ourselves when it becomes not good for us, and we force our vision in front of us rather than behind. We will always look over our shoulders at theevents of our timelines, but I do believe that we will always learn from those visits, and take our lessons forward.

Love to all,

dee

[summergirl]

Suz - I read your entire post and I also did not need to call my shrink -- love the way you write your thoughts and feelings so well - I love that the kids are so excited about being adopted - you have much wisdom my dear friend and have been through much - comparing the losses is something I have not had to do and hope to never have to....

Dee - glad the wedding was so beautiful. Hot here to with 90 degrees and high humidity - they keep saying a thunderstorm or 2 but nothing yet. So glad you went for a walk - it really brings peace to the mind - I call it my de-stressor time...

Carol - I am so happy for you and Ralph, wonderful news...always in my prayers.

Great day with Tavian - we went to the skate park and he rode his bike, we did roller blading (he did, I held his hand), I walked around the track, he did skate boarding, then we left there and went to the tennis courts and played tennis for an hour..then home...we were so hot but we had so much fun together....laughed and just enjoyed.  Afternoon spent with Tav playing with his friend and I did yard work with Barry.....missed my girl....

Love, peace and strength, Kathy

 

[heartbeataway]

Carol -

It's so nice to hear the good news about Ralph!

Think of you all often ....

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[lostwoher]

 Atta boy Ralphie! Woop woop, such great news. Thank you for sharing

[rlolheiser]

Hello to everyone

Carol, I am so happy for you and your husband, so happy that your worries are a little less tonight :-)

Susannah, You and your husband are what grandparents should all be, you love those babies unconditionally and they love you I am so excited for your joys that you have given to each other.  I am sure that Stephanie is smiling too! 

Sherry, it is hard when you know things are gone for good, I am glad you got to save your jar from Davey :-).  I saved everthing JaBoa ever gave to me.. all drawings and notes. I had gone to clean out one of the houses JaBoa's mom lived in and found so many things thrown into a shed, that had let water in.  Many papers of JaBoa's from kindergarten through 4th grade, even some things from the funeral.  My heart sank, papers that were drenched in mud.. pictures she had made.. I tried so hard to save them, but they became moldy and smelly and I couldn't keep them. 

I weighed in yesterday :-( no more loss, still stuck at the 40 lb. mark.  I try to be happy that I haven't gained anything back.  I am trying to think of new things to do to make it start coming off again.

No storms tonight.. and I am just tired out.  Hubby and son have gone to the races, and mom has gone to bed.  I think I will follow suit

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

 

[heartbeataway]

Last year some of you put together some of the most amazing flags, I'm sending them to Dee for Eri-fest.

Anyone that would like to create and add a flag to the ones we flew at Pinnacle Days last year, I'm adding the words from last years posting. If you have any questions, let me know.

Hi folks, I have an idea for Pinnacle Days and thought I would share it with you. I want to have a streamer of  flags that represent our children.

 I recently asked what color reminds you of your child, what symbol, etc....I was going to make flags to represent each of our children.

 With all the happenings in my life recently, I don't know that I will have time to accomplish this. I also thought that you might want to do this yourself.

 I would like to display these flags strung together as representation of our children at Pinnacle Days. Not only this year but for years to come.

 Try to keep the size to 12" x 18" with a one inch overlap at the top to string the rope through.

It could also attach with ties, etc ... your choice.

The shape is up to you they don't all need to be the same.

So, if you just cannot do this and would like your child represented, post your idea and either I or some other parent may be able to help.

I WOULD LIKE EVERY CHILD TO BE REPRESENTED!

Think of your flag as a quilt square that represents your child ......

I plan to use an article of Jay's clothing to make his. Not sure what symbol I will use yet. Maybe more than one symbol. Make sure their name or initials are on it. Perhaps the beginning and ending year. It's up to your imagination and what you carry in your heart.

I would not use glue unless it's weather proof. Sometimes it rains and the air is damp. The flags will be undercover but the damp air could have an impact. What do you think? Ideas to share? Can you do it?

Thanks! Bonnie, Jay's Mom

I've had some good questions stem from this request.  I'm going to share the answers so it will help.

The opening for the rope entry would be best on the 12" end.  I really don't care but the grouping would look better if they are uniform in size and length. You decide the shape.  Variety is the spice of life so whatever you do will be perfect!

It should probably be doubled sided or at least look finished on both sides. They don't need to be perfect!

If you do not sew but want to put something together, I will try to finish it for you. I don't want anyone left out because of an issue like that.

Yes, you are more than welcome to send flags for others. They will all be displayed.

Collectively, they are way more than cool!  They are representations of loss, life and love that never ends.  They say look at me, I lived and I continue to live because I'm loved.

I'm here because I can give you hope.  They are mesmerizing!

[Guest]

Another night of sleep interrupted.  I woke with the the thought, "The body remembers."  Do you think that's true?  I THINK I'm doing okay.  Although I'm approaching Stephanie's angel date with trepidation, I feel relatively calm.  A little crazy, but not like before.  Maybe, however, my body is reacting despite my seemingly calm emotions.  Or, maybe it's the other way around. Maybe I just need to quit trying to figure these things out and just go with it.

I realize I've missed several posts.  I like to respond to each of you to let you know I do read your words. 

Bonnie, It was good to see Jason's face when I logged on.  What a nice thing for you to do for our angels. 

Carol, I'm grateful that you and Ralph received some hopeful news for a change.  What a relief!  I will continue to pray.

Leah, Thank you for the kind words.  I understand the frustration when the weight loss doesn't seem to go as quickly as it was.  I think you're doing wonderful!

I'm sure I've missed some.  But, my brain seems to be mush again.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[ericasmom]

Thanks Bonnie. It sure was good seeing Jason's face here this morning. What a bright and shiny boy/man he is, and he matches the sunshine outside this window.

Blessings to you. How is Rich? Em? and what about YOU? Anything new?

Leah, Iknow that it must be frustrating with the pounds staying at the same number, but the body is working to learn a new way, and it pauses, it plateaus, and that you are not gaining is teaching the body new tricks. Good for you.

Which of course brings me to does the body remember? ABSOLUTELY our bodies remember, because our bodies and minds are one with one another, when we hold the hand of a child for all those years, we have a physical memory of it as well as an emotional memory-just thinking of Eri nuzzled as a baby against my collarbone as she drifted to sleep...my body starts to sway to keep her rocking. When a person has a cigarette, the body wants another...good and bad memory. My chiropractor told me when I first met him when Eri was one, so 25 yeras ago, that the body has a memory, and if it is a memory of poor posture, it goes there, if it is a memory of overweight, it also goes there, until we change the memory, giving it more of the good and in my case, more good memory of how to use my back. Body/mind/spirit/soul/ all in this together.

[Guest]

Introducing the Thompson family...

Mariah (white dress) Jasmine and Jonathon

[heartbeataway]

Congratulations Thompson Family!  Great picture!

 Love the smiles!

[briansdad]

Here I hope these will make you smile.

Also who is going to Little Rock because I'd like to meet them.I'll be arriving July 7th late.

 

3·     Life is sexually transmitted. 

7·    Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these

days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8·   Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9·    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10·   In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

11·   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12·   Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

13·   If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14·    Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15·    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16·     If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17·    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 

18·    Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19·   Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 

[hotrod]

Susannah A Beautiful Family !!!

Such wonderful Happy Faces.!!! 

What a Blessing!!!  You sure did GOOD:dude:

Hi Indigos 

 Love you all and think of you all each day . Carol so very happy to hear the news about Ralph.  Dee How wonderful that our precious "Flags" will travel to your beautiful celebration  What a  gift you and Bonnie have given us all!!!

  I Just cannot climb out of this sad place.  I do believe it is the summer blues and will just ride it out. 

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

  

 

[briansdad]

To realize

The value of a sister/brother

Ask someone

Who doesn't have one.

To realize

The value of ten years:

Ask a newly

Divorced couple.

To realize

The value of four years:

Ask a graduate.

To realize

The value of one year:

Ask a student who

Has failed a final exam.

To realize

The value of nine months:

Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize

The value of one month:

Ask a mother

Who has given birth to a premature  baby..

To realize

The value of one week:

Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize

The value of one minute:

Ask a person

Who has missed  the train, bus or plane.

To realize

The value of one-second:

Ask a person

Who has survived an accident.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when

You can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:

LOSE ONE.

The origin of this letter is unknown,

But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

Remember....

Hold on tight to the ones you love!

[westleysmom]

Betty (Stephen's Mom),

I don't think I've talked to you before.  I'm in a sad place too.  I'm coming up on six months since my son Westley died, and it seems like a big milestone.  Every holiday/birthday/celebration, etc that comes up in our big family seems so incomplete and I have to go cry alone.  I don't want to ruin everyone else's good time.  Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I hope it gets better for you soon.  I'm afraid my happy times are few and fleeting, but I'll take what I can get. 

Rhonda, Westley's Mom