Loss of an Adult Child

[shorty16]

Indigos

AJ and I leave on a cruise of the Eastern Carribean on Saturday!!

The group (16) has been planning this for almost a year and now it is here - Hard to believe.

I am not bringing my computer, because wireless costs are rediculous.  I will, however, go into an internet cafe and rent an hour of chat time for here and other places.

AJ has told me "You know, Mom.  I will not be spending alot of time with you.  I will be with my friends."  I just nod my head. 

Any time I get to spend with him will be memory-making time.  When that is all I have left of Brian are the memories, I am making good ones with Aaron.

Sorry writing so much, but in the mood.

Colleen

[ericasmom]

NEVER APOLOGIZE for talking more than you are used to. I love it. LEt's us see into your world Col and Lynn. I am excited for you for the cruise. Maybe you can have a bunch of sunny days in a row, something not seen here for some time. It is raining here now, later supposed to be more.

Hard to feel wide awake with so many dark days.

[lolynbo]

AJ and I leave on a cruise of the Eastern Carribean on Saturday!!

SO YOUR SAILING OUT OF WHERE AND WHAT CRUISE LINE?  OURS IS ROLLIN UP SOON...95 DAYS...WE SAIL ON THE FASINATION OUT OF JACKSONVILLE FL...5 DAYS TO BAHAMAS...

HAVE A GREAT TIME...

[westleysmom]

Colleen, enjoy your cruise.  That sounds like so much fun for you.  I can't even enjoy weekends yet (too much time to think) but maybe someday I'll want to do something like that.  I wrote a reply earlier and lost it before I could get it posted.  Still haven't found a good picture to use for posting.  When the grandbaby came two years ago, I quit taking pictures of anybody but her!  Westley didn't like his picture made much anyway.  I have a picture his friends gave me in a frame at the funeral of him in a Sarah Palin wig.  He was laughing so hard.  It was so funny but it makes me cry everytime I see it.  I put it in his room where I don't go much.  Still haven't changed anything in there.  Just keep the door shut.

[lostwoher]

 A cruise? Oh my, have a blast. Thats something I use to want to do but now I have issues with any body of water. Make those memories and cherish them.

Dont think it rained last nite but it is suppose to today. Its been so hot and humid here ugh!

[daveydow1]

Dee----Haven't been on BI for a day or two. Got busy. Anyhow---I loved

your story about the black butterfly. ERi visiting her mom.

Betsy---Thanks for the pic. You mentioned a bird's nest that fell----our bluebird

box at the end of the grape arbor fell to the ground. I don't believe there were

any baby birds in it though. The bluebird nested earlier....in late Apr.

Susannah------I know just what you mean about "finishing up" on things---(courts,

and other stuff like you have had to deal with).  There is a terrible 'letdown,

kind of empty"  feeling that seems to go with it. We rush headlong into it, and

work like crazy to accomplish it......then when it's completed, we can end up

feeling sad.  I think it's because we may feel that after the thing we are working

on is over......then we get that old sorrow back----not that it ever left, of course,

but that we were thinking about lots of other things etc. Our minds get flooded with

details. Your anger and emotions are truly understandable by everyone here at

BI I think.  Peace & comfort to you, friend.

Westleysmom-----Sorry you had a rough time on Fathers Day. Those special days

can be so very difficult and heartbreaking.......especially when you are on this

bumpy road so early on. My son, Dave, was killed the day before Fathers Day

 2003. Thoughts & prayers.

Colleen---I hope you enjoy your cruise to the Bahamas.

Lynn----I, too, have issues about the water/cruises, although I have never been

on one. I think that it is just public transportation in general. I guess that I am

a bit  'kookie' about that.

    PEACE TO ALL HERE AT THE BI.

                Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry    

[shorty16]

Lorri

We leave out of Miami on Carnival.  We have a room with a balcony. 

I did not select the cruise line or destinations.  I am along for the ride and to make life-long memories with my surviving son.

In order to do that, I must step back a bit and let him enjoy himself without his worry-wart-Mother needing to know his every move.

He will not fall over the edge or get kidnapped.  I feel like such a crazy person.

Thanks for asking

Colleen

[lolynbo]

Lorri

We leave out of Miami on Carnival.  We have a room with a balcony. 

WE HAVE BALCONY ALSO...FIRST CRUISE (THIS IS OUR 3RD). WE GOT THE PENTHOUSE SUITE...WAS SWEET TOOO...THE 4 KIDS A ROOM THE SIZE OF OUR BATHROOM...LOL

ENJOY...LAST CRUISE WE RELEASED KOURTNEYS HAIR AT EVERY PORT...

OH AND GUYS WE ARE RENAMING OUR BOAT (REDNECK YATCH CLUB) TO THE KOURTNEY ROSE....(REMEMBER WE SAW THAT AS SOON AS WE DOCKED IN JAMACIA???)...PRETTY EXCEITED..

[mikesmum]

Wow thunderbolts and lightening very very frightening!!!  Haven't had much in the way of storms. Think the weather is confused here.  Wet Wet and cold but no real wintery weather to speak of.

Love the talk of cruises.  Last year was our travel year.  We went to the UK & Scotland.  Mal is a McLeod and my heritage is English (yeah I know you probably can hear the accent) lol.  Then we did our cruise around Vanuatu and the islands.  My best was the trip to MN.  Felt like home to the family.

Love the pics.  Dee, wish I had made the trip this year to share in 'your Chicago'.  Betsy I see the heart in your tree, love your pics.

These are my offerings...

A good morning from our artful children from our front yard.

Driving the grandies to school - hot air ballooning over the vineyards and farmland.

The sun is shining to day..no clouds yet.

Might try that housework thingy.  Mals eldest is house sitting this weekend for us. 

Trudi

 

[ericasmom]

tornado warnings sent us to the basement, our yard is under water, all of our beautiful plants, fingers crossed.

love

[summergirl]

Suz - boy do I know how you feel.  I remember fighting so hard for full custody of Tavian and when the day came that the final papers were signed I fell apart with happiness for finally achieving what we set out to do and an incredible pain for why. I suddenly found myself at a loss of what to do as every day had been filled with fighting for Tavian.....it hit me that I had not grieved for Jessica the way others were "allowed to", I had to be so strong for Tavian and keeping him with us - when did I grieve, and what defines grieving ???  I was angry that Jessica was taken and not my son - what mother feels that way ????   It has been a long, painful, tearful, angry, sad, screaming, blinding journey that we all walk and we all have different stories of how we feel and what we deal with other than the loss of our child....I deal with my son and his drug problem but now am hopeful that he has turned the corner. I am raising a child who is 8 and I am 53 and I get tired but without him I am not sure I would be where I am today.......you are a blessing to this site and I for one am thankful that you found your way here to us for you have brought me more than you know.....

Beautiful pics Dee and Trudi....I am going to get that photo bucket to work no matter how long it takes me !!!!

Have fun on the cruise

Westleysmom - take your time my friend, take your time......oh how I remember being where you are and it seems like yesterday and feels like a life time.  You will find your way, a new way, just be easy on yourself and walk with us.

I am so tired tonight.....work is tough since Natalia quit and I am now doing double work.  Oh well, I have a job !!!

Love, peace and strength to all indigo's....Kathy 

[mikesmum]

Not sure if you'll get this, but I'm with you in the basement......hold tight, thoughts and prayers Trudi

[Guest]

I deleted what I had written because it was based on opinion.  Mine, of course.  But, still, opinion.

Kathy, thank you for your kind words.  I know you understand.  I so appreciate everyone's kindness and validation.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lostwoher]

 The storm hit here pretty good too Dee. Hope all is well in your direction. Lightening hit close while at work and knocked out 2 of the computers. Of course it was the one I was using . I cannot believe how many people were out driving in the mess. After it was all over I remembered I had cracked the windows on my truck- yep, I got a wet backside while driving home. Dummy me .

My eyes are so dry and on fire so better get some sleep.

Good nite!

Lynn

[lostwoher]

 Gee, last one to post and first one this morning. Sure hope the storms didnt affect anyone too bad. Several hundred were without power last nite but thankfully not me. Wishing you all a good day.

Lynn

[shorty16]

Lynn - Are you in Michigan or am I mistaken?  With Dee in Illinois and me in Wisconsin, sounds like the worst of the storm was South - Tornado Warnings - nothing to mess with.

Sus - please feel free to post your opinions.  We love to hear how others in our same situations think, feel and live through this nightmare.  We may not agree, but want to hear it.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Summerfest starts Today in Milwaukee, WI!!

2 of Brian's friends (some of the few that stay in contact with us) are playing at Summerfest on the new artist stage at 4:45pm to 5:30pm today.

Scott and I are going.  We know Brian would be there.  Those boys placed Brian's picture on their first CD.  Touching.

Their parents will be there also and Cory has really made an effort to stay in touch with me. 

Dee, you gonna come up for the really-big-gig? 

Colleen

[shorty16]

Sorry Lynn, I see Illinois on your avatar.

My badness

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Good morning Everyone, the sun is up, the sky is blue, my house is still here, though Ihave not checked to see if it landed on a witch. So wow, what a rough couple of hours for folks. We stayed in the basement for about 2 hours, then it was all clear. But for some it was way worse. Flooding, no electricity. We had some water in the bassement, but some folks lose so much. There was a rainbow after it all passed to the south, , so beautiful crossing the sky. Our cable went out so I could not communicate here. All seems good now, I will walk outside to assess the damage in the yard. Our poor garden, sure hope that the plants survive as they are under water again. Our yard slopes down, and we need to have a pump or dig a sistern-cistern?

Thanks for your thoughts Lynn and Col. The midwest has been socked.

Sus, did you feel your opinion was not valid? Why did you erase?

Col, summerfest sounds wonderful except for the horrid construction getting there. We have a busy weekend, a graduation party for my great nephew, (highschool) and a wedding on Sunday for my dear friend and bicycle buddy, Kristine and Craig. Kristine and I work at the same school.

Trudi, I loved having you in the basement with me. Always a joy.

Love to All, a happy calm day I am hoping.

Bonnie, Mary Ann, Betty, Adam's Mom, Sue, Lyn, Cindy, Deneace, Mary, and all the other wonderful parents that we have not seen in some time, I am holding you in my prayers and my daily thoughts.

[daniellemom]

Dee – Glad you are OK, I hope all the plants live in your garden.  ]Enjoy your busy weekend.

Colleen – I hope you have a great trip with your son on the cruise.  ]I’ve never been on a cruise but it was something Danielle always talked about doing, so one day, if I’m able I will take a cruise in her honor and do the things she is not able to do.

Lynn – I can so understand why a cruise would not be for you.  ]You are in my thoughts.

Sus – Your opinion is your opinion and here we listen to everyone’s opinions and sometimes it makes us think and can encourage someone else along the way.  ]I say post it!!

VBS is wearing me out!  ]Two more nights and then it’s over.  I say now I can’t wait but at the end I always get sad because it’s been so much fun.  The 3 – 4 years old have so much energy it’s hard for me to keep up with them but they are so much fun.  

I think I told ya’ll I was taking a dance class 2 nights a week; I have really missed the dancing this week that is such a fun class. 

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

[westleysmom]

I told my husband last night about joining the group here.  He didn't say much, I know he has a hard time opening up to anyone other than me about his feelings.  He wants me to do whatever helps me so I won't be so sad.  I told him that you guys talk about all kinds of things and it makes me have hope.  That we'll make it through this, not that we'll get over it.  As if.  So anyway, believe it or not, you're all my heroes.  Because you can talk about the weather and the re-treads (heckle and jeckle, anyone?) I specifically did not tell him that the possibility of new ta-tas had been discussed.  If you see him, please don't mention it!

[lostwoher]

 No problem Col. Im about 3 hours south of Dee. Central IL. Fields and yards are soaked with standing water. Farmers are already looking at a huge loss so beware of raising food costs yet again

Running late and gotta get to work. Have a good one all!

Lynn

[mikesmomrs]

I am so glad to see that all remained safe yesterday/last night---yes, Dee, it is so sad when people lose so much...I worry when storms leave no power...there are many who depend on it just to survive.  I know there are emergency shelters put into place, but sometimes it is difficult for people to get to them.  anyway, I am glad you and your precious garden gnome were able to walk out of your basement, safe and sound.  And I hope that your plants survive...they sound so beautiful, perhaps they are strong, also.

I love the sharing of plans (trips, etc.) and I love all the pics everyone has been sharing...the beaches, the sunsets, etc., all so beautiful, and  they provide confirmation that the beauty of nature can still stir us...also the beauty of man's creations...Dee, thanks for the pics of the city...  I think our angels want us to know that our life continues and the beautiful gifts of life are still there for us.  They want us to know this because they want us to live our lives and find enjoyment..."Don't die because I do...."  (Mike's words, as many of you know)  A difficult task at times, but one we must focus on.

Westleysmom:  I am so glad that you are finding comfort and understanding here; it is such a gift.  And Sus:  opinions are as welcome as statements of fact...always feel free to share...

Hubby and I head up to Dartmouth (2 hours from here) for a "checking it out" scan today...CT of the upper chest and lower area as well.  I didn't realize until I saw the orders that this is being done to see if there has been any growth in the spots on the lungs that they saw before...I kind of suspected it, but seeing it in writing kind of puts it into your brain a little more intensely...I know you all know what I mean.  Please pray that all is well...they said in the orders that if there is any growth in the lung spots, then surgery "may not be utilitarian." 

Davis's graduation went very well...(there were actually over 100 students there)...he was SO anxious that he almost didn't go.  Then, he didn't want to wear the hat.  Then he didn't want to go.  Then he finally went.  During the ceremony, I was taking pics and noticed that he was sitting there, almost serene, he was so calm...I thought "what?!?"  He told us this story when it was over:  When he got there, he didn't see anyone he knew and thought about leaving, but this nice girl sat next to him and struck up a conversation.  When it came time to go into the auditorium, she said she would sit next to him, but then he was assigned to "lead the line into place" and was getting "confusing" (i.e., fast-paced) directions from the teacher and this made him all apprehensive again.  Fortunately, he politely (his words) asked the teacher to "please slow down in your directions because I am losing you and I don't want to look like an idiot."  Then, there was a mixup in the lineup and he got separated from the girl who was supposed to sit beside him, so he was all anxious again. When he finally sat down in his seat, the girl seated directly in front of him had her collar messed up in the back, and he asked if she wanted him to straighten it for her.  When he did, he saw that she had a tattoo on her neck---it said "Believe."  That is why he was looking so calm and serene...he said he knew right then that Mike was with him and it calmed him right down.  Thank you, Mike, for coming through for him again...  I will post a pic when I get them from Cathi. 

Take care, indigos, and have a good day, may sweet memories meander through your mind today, warming you with love remembered.  

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs  

[Guest]

Good morning, Indigo's,

I'm glad you made it through the stormy night.

I absolutely feel welcome to post my beliefs here. 

In fact, that's sort of what I was rambling about last night.  God vs Nature vs man vs freewill.  One house being destroyed while the neighbor's house still stands.  Judgement vs religion vs spirituality.  Wars, etc.  Praying fervently for our country and its soldiers while the "enemy" and their families are praying the same thing.  With much more conviction, I might add. 

The gulf oil spill.  Watching the arrogance of BP as they "care about the small people".  Watching our government trying to LOOK like they're doing something but not really sure if they are.  Wondering where the hell Kevin Costner's plan went? 

Thinking about the book of Revelations in the bible, Nostradamus, The Mayans etc. 

All the shootings in cities like Chicago.  The civil wars in places like Mexico.  Or drug wars, actually.

Understanding the value of life.  Understanding that Love is the answer.  Always.

Aren't y'all glad I spared you from my detailed analysis? 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[ericasmom]

Funny Sus, I was trying to write an essay type poem that involves all of those aspects of life in this day, in this moment. I am frightened right now, by the far right wing, by the spill, horribly frightened by the spill, by the war that never had to happen, by 60 people being shot in 5 days in Chicago, by all that and so much more, the hunger in NIGER, the lack of humanity that allows such devastation...

And I pray.

dee

[briansdad]

Here is my girl again. It helps to get up in the morning and count your blessings especially people in our shoes.She is just one of mine.

[4everjoeysmom]

Greg, Your girl is growing up, and the spittin' image of her daddy. That definitely is worth waking up for every day!

Colleen, I'll be thinking of you. Hope you have a good time on the cruise. Yes, the kids will be doing their thing. But you'll get the pleasure of being near, sharing in some memory making, and also taking some time to relax just for you.

Sonya, What kind of dance classes are you taking? That's how I met my husband--I was taking swing dance classes.

Carol, AWESOME story about Davis...just BELIEVE. LOVE IT!!!

Dee and Susannah, YES, YES, YES! I am SO THERE with you on being sad and concerned for a world that is suffering at the hand of greed, abuse of power, and generally humanity's skewed view on many issues, including religion and politics. When it gets this overwhelming, I have to keep looking for the good, to not become discouraged and fearful. Not everything and everyone are so screwed up. Thankfully!!! There is still HOPE...

WestleysMom - I haven't been on for a while, but wanted to send a virtual hug and share how very sorry I am for your loss of your precious son Westley. I hope you find comfort and encouragement here, among true friends. Love 4EverJoeysMom, Claudia.

Lorri, Girl, I agree with everybody else. You are downright funny. Fixin' the flats... LOL!

Hey to all the rest of y'all!! xoxoxoxo

[mikesmum]

So glad to see all the faces today.  The wild weather causing great concern for all.

Carol - Oh yeah, Mike sending a message - taking Davis through what would otherwise been a tough time.  Hope Ralph smiles for his pics.  Hope more that they come out clear or close to clear for you both.  'Roadtrip'.

Sonya - Love the dance class idea.  We were at my nieces debutante ball a couple of weeks ago and I fell in love with ballroom.  I used to do it as a young teen.  Hoping to inspire my other half who used to dance through his 20's to come with me. 

Lynn - Wet backside, did you check for broken glass? Hope the allergies are settling.

Susannah - The expression of opinions are safe here.  Sometimes taking them out for a 'walk' helps perspective and a times soothes the brain.

Greg - She really is growing.  Fishing, sports, Brian's smile...you heart bursting with love....

Westleysmom - Your secret is safe with me...not likely to run into him down here.  I have been here over 3yrs.  Last year I travelled to MN and met Colleen, Dee, Carol, Bonnie & Marcia.  My other half is just getting the hang of who they are in relation to the avatars.  He doesn't read my posts, just acknowledges that BI is part of  my daily routine. 

As with the trip he was surprised to learn we talked about a multitude of things...

Colleen - We just celebrated the Winter Solstice.  Melissa and I took a day and went to a place called the Collingwood Childrens farm.  Its in the middle of the inner city.  Attached to a Convent from 1885 it was a working farm for over 100yrs.  Its still run as a community farm.  You step out of the bustle of the world 2010 and see a working farm with green pastures, chickens, goats, horses, cows set against a huge Convent and Abbey. 

Claudia - Love seeing the handsome Joey...hope all is well.

Well will be bracing for an influx of grandies.  Steven's two and Mal's grandboy.  Should be interesting, a 6month old, 3yr old and an 8 yr old.....ahh but the energy and life from them amazing...

Take care all - Trudi

[user=53239][/user] 

[summergirl]

Greg - what an awesome pic of Brian's girl and your reason for getting up in the morning....she looks so much like Brian...

Westleysmom - do you mind if I ask what your name is ??   My husband has never been on BI and I have been here since 2007, he said he does not want to read of "others saddness"....I have talked to him about things we discuss and show him pics, tell him with a heavy heart when someone "new" joins us....other than that he avoids it. I understand as he too keeps much inside and does not like to talk about Jessica.....we went through rough times early on this journey but have since come to see each others needs and differences in grieving.     Anyone who finds BI is a hero in my eyes also....this is my family and I someday hope to meet each and everyone here face to face...until that time I see all in my mind.

Carol - I LOVE, LOVE the "BELIEVE" - what a wonderful idea Mike had for Davis. our Angels come through when we need them the most ....   Prayers go with you and Ralph on your roadtrip and that all is "clear".

Sonya - I love to dance but have never taken a class. I have a friend who goes twice a week also and has been for years, she competes also....said it is the best thing she did for herself.  

Dee - so glad all is well with you and all others who have been through the storms..I talked to my sister yesterday and she said it has finally stopped raining in Iowa, she said it rained for 3 weeks straight....her garden is flooded and the yard is like a sponge....I remember when we lived there and we would have to go in the basement when the tornado sirens sounded...hated it.

Suz - you sum it up so well....all the horrible things going on in this world can bring you to your knees but as Claudia said......not all is bad, there is much good, if we look for it we will find it.   I am so glad you do not hold back on your words, I for one would be lost without your "rambelings" as you call them, I call them wonderful..

Trudi - the grandies sound like a wonderful thing to me.....yes the energy and life from the amazing.....you are going to have a great time and when all is said and done you will be exhaused yet a very happy grammy.

Many thoughts of Jessica today...summer time brings memories that are sweet and beautiful yet the pain works its way into heart and soul....I become lost in my dreams that she is coming home, just away for awhile but will be home soon....then I breathe again and the tears fall.........I miss you so my girl, my daughter....

Tavian went to his friend Skyler's house after school today and when I went to pick him up after work they were having a grand time in the pool....he ended up staying the night and is going to the ocean tomorrow....he was very excited and I have to say it is so nice to have a "night off"......he is my heart but having some down time for me is exciting !!!       I am going to go to photobucket and see what I can do about getting pics to post...I am tired of re-sizing and they still do not post...  Love, Peace and Strength, Kathy

[summergirl]

Surfer Boy....

[ericasmom]

Carol I will be anxious to hear how Ralph did in his tests today. Prayers adn hope running strong for you and he.

Carol, that story from Davis' graduation makes my heart sing like a bird. Like a robin. BELIEVE. Indeed.

And yes Claudia, I do believe. I pray that I can have the fortitude to generate hope -which I have always had so much of in my life, right now, the news being what it is, I am fighting this depletion of hope. I am so saddened by the immigration crap, and the oil companies, the coal mining companies too, both of which have no viable plan B. The Wars, the hunger adn the violence increasing as the summer heats up and the economy further cools. I feel so sorry for our President as he was handed issues that in themselves were almost insurmountable, but with all that has come since his taking office, HOLY COW! So I sat thinking today about the words to the pledge and to My Country Tis of Thee, Star Spangled Banner, and THis Land is your land...

This is a rough draft:

Oh say can you see-

by dawn's light not yet covered by greed,

what we once so proudly hailed

a gallantly beautiful environment,

from the depleting red wood forests

to the gulf stream waters,

land where our fathers died-

land where the wildlife cried-

from purple mountains mine disasters-

to oil-thick bayous

and no plan B,

to what we once called land of liberty-

war mongers have made it land of piracy-

and raise that flag, don't let it touch the ground-

pledge your alliegience to what we claim we found

with justice for all as long as they are not from somewhere else-

and what happened to Pilgrims pride?

Perhaps had they only just listened to those already here-

This land is not your land

this land is not my land-

one nation under God walks and lives upon this land,

and we are blessed by this.

[ericasmom]

Kathy and Greg, those kids are adorable adn growing up in our lives of which I am so very grateful that you share as you do. The Children that mean so much to your lives bring great joy to mine as well. I feel like I am seeing some more great nieces adn nephews, like they are part of our clan. So thanks, and that goes for all of you who post Kid stories and photos.

I rode my bike earlier today and stopped at a park that I always like to stop in, see the gardens and talk to Erz. Today I talked to Mike too, and asked him to give our Daughter a big hug and told him that I was so grateful that he is Jon and Eri's Daddy. I know we had some real rough times but we sure made two great Kids together. I began to cry there in the park, missing he and Erica like crazy.

I went to the gym later for some warm water workout, and now after eating dinner, will take a walk to listen gratefully to the songs of birds in the evening on a summer night.

PEACE OUT

PS Sonya, love that you are dancing, I am pretty clumsy and yet love to dance, shouldn't dance in front of anyone, but if there is music I am afraid I am moving to it. Or at least to the different drummer in my head.

[Guest]

Dee - I felt the passion in your poem.  Powerful!!  Loved it.

"Democrats/Republicans.  Same ****.  Different piles"

I read that on a bumper sticker yesterday. 

I can not begin to articulate how grateful I am it is right now!  And, I can not begin to tell you how fulfilling today was. 

The kids swam ALL day.  Lots of sunblock, for sure!  I spent the day cleaning around the pool and moving (again) 12 x 12 x 2 red blocks as a walking area.  I shampoo'd the 12 x 16 area rug in our living area (which required moving ALL the furniture).  I swept what had to be swept and mopped what had to be mopped. 

My body is screaming in throbs as it lets me know I may have overdone it a tad..the rocks are heavy.  I can comfortably move four at a time in the wheelbarrow.  I tried to move double that and realized that wasn't a good idea.  Those rock have sure come in handy over the years.  As walkway....garden fill in...and they made a good stack by the driveway for two years.  I intended to use them to cover the hill by the driveway, but I never got further than stacking them there.

The kids are exhausted from swimming and the heat.  They are fed, bathed and in bed.  I went to bed "as is".  Grateful Gary won't be home til late so he can't see how horrid I look.

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Thanks Sus, it is not yet a poem, but a rough piece with some poetry in it...in my head it works out but on paper not so much, but it is where my heart and spirit have been battling, how do we fix that which has been irrevocably changed? Adaptation only goes so far, living with oil in the lungs and bellies of animals is not going to happen, so what Lord shall we do? Please direct our steps in the best ways possible to make this world a much more respecting planet, one that understands the importance of a blade of grass and knowing that that blade of grass means just as much as each of us, that we are interconnected adn when we hurt one of the connectors, we hurt them all. I am asking Lord and Eri and all of our Beautiful Angels, help us take action in positive ways to save what is able to be and find alternatives immediately to using and drilling for oil.

Goodnight All,

PS prayers for my cousin Gill, dealing with testicular cancer, don't remember if I have already asked for prayers, so forgive me my repetitive nature.

[Guest]

3am.  My brain woke me up as the squirrel cage of thoughts running wild crashed into run another.  Worrying about things that haven't happened yet.  Worrying about things I have no power over.  Fighting with this person in my mind.  Saving that person in my mind.  Imagining outcomes in all the areas of my life that would make life easier for me.  Better for me.  I am heroine, of course. Or the saint.  Which ever suits the situation best.  The warrior or the saint.  In the end, Susannah saves the day.

When that sort of thinking takes over it is best to just get up and turn my mind towards something else.  There is no peace in that type of thinking.  One thought leads to another that leads to another.  One thought occured to me during this battle of my mind that made sense:  "on such thoughts wars are made".

And in all of the obsessing, Stephanie's date closes in.  Jennifer, my youngest daughter in Iowa and Stephanie's sister/best friend, has also begun the mental countdown.  "One year ago today....." 

She had a different relationship with Stephanie than I did.  Stephanie was herself around her sister.  She tried to butter it up for me.  She was always worried about what I thought of her.  Right now, Jennifer is hurting more than I. 

It wasn't like that in the beginning.  In the beginning, I don't think any of their pain matched mine.  Not being a victim.  Just speaking the truth. 

But, ever since God spoke to me (or I went clinically insane) things have been different.  I still have the grief, which is powerful unto itself, but the effect isn't as long and as painful as before I had that experience.

What's interesting to me is I had such a powerful, spiritual experience and I still question my Creator.  I had very tangible experiences with Stephanie after she died, and my grief was still paralyzing.  What would it had been like for me without those experiences?  I most likely would not have been able to go on with life.

Well, rambling again.  That's what happens when I can't sleep.  I'm thinking that the way for me to change the world is to change me.  Be at peace with me.  Then be at peace with the people in my household.  Then extend it to my neighbors...then to the city....then to the state...etc.

When I start think "I have to do something" and then try to figure out what that something is, I am usually off kilter...(is that the right word?)  When I invite God into it and quiet my mind and just do the next right thing in front of me to do (like making my bed) then what I need to do is usually revealed.  It might even be the same action I would have taken when my mind was in overdrive, but it will have different results.....better results. 

When God gets involved and we get out of the way, miracles happen.

Believe..........love it.

I'm not a big bible person, but I do have a favorite scripture..."The joy of the Lord is my strength"

That tells me that God is a joyful God.  And, He/She certainly is strong.  If I want some of that strength, I must first tap into that joy. 

There are so many different ways to do that....for me it's working outside, with my hands...listening to uplifting music...and listening.

When God speaks, listen.  He/She does speak to each of us.  If we will just listen.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[shorty16]

Today is my 22nd Wedding Anniversary.

Scott and I went to Summerfest last night to see Mechanical Kids.  2 of Brian's friends are in this band.  Their mothers keep in touch with me and I really appreciate it.

The band was pretty good. 

We also saw Night Ranger and Kool and the Gang.  Night Ranger was great - Kool and the Gang was good, but my favorite song "Miss-lead" did not sound as good as it does on the CD.

Hope all are doing well.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

 

[mikesmomrs]

Colleen and Scott:  HAPPY 22ND ANNIVERSARY...I am glad that you got out last night and enjoyed the evening.  I know that Brian is beaming at both of you...have a wonderful day!

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mysonrich]

Colleen and Scott...........

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Haaappy Anniversary

Pour a cheerful toast and fill it

Happy Anniversary

But be careful you don't spill it

Happy Anniversary

Ooooo Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Haaappy Anniversary

(Fred and Wilma Talking)

Ooooo Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Haaappy Anniversary

(Fred Talking)

Happy she and happy he

They're both as happy as can be

Celebrating merrily

their happy anniversary

(Fred and Wilma Talking)

Ooooo Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Haaappy Anniversary

(Fred Talking)

Ooooo Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Haaappy Anniversary

We now state emphatically

its happy anniversary

Not another day could be

a happy anniversary

Ooooo Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Happy (slow)

Happy (slow)

Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy (fast) Anniversary!!!

Betsy,mysonRich

[westleysmom]

All,

I'm sorry I didn't properly introduce myself.  I just started talking.  My name is Rhonda.  I wasn't sure at first that everybody was on a first name basis, I was just looking at the messages.  I've been having a rough time just lately, but its getting better.  Oh, wait, its getting worse.  You know what I mean, up and down.  Some days are diamonds, some days are stone, or whatever that country song is.  I still don't have all the talking to everybody figured out because I can't get straight who everybody is.  But the little ball player is a sweetheart with her two different colored socks.  And I just like being around you guys. So I won't feel like "the one whose son died"  Hell, you all make me normal. Almost.

Rhonda

[Guest]

Hello Rhonda!  I couldn't remember any names when I got here.  I couldn't even remember who posted what.  My mind was mush.  I just talked about my girl.  I still use this group of people as a sounding board when I'm trying to figure things out. 

My grieving chair, my electric blanket and my laptop became my salvation and my only real connection to people.  I all but isolated from life. 

I read about each of the other angels on this site.  I looked at their pictures.  I even typed up a list of parents, their child and the way they died, only to find out much of it was incorrect.  :?   Either Greg or Dan made a collage of all our angels one time.  I made it the background for my desktop for a while.  My husband sat patiently as I told him who each child was, how they died and how old they were when they died.

But, I couldn't ever seem to remember who the correct parent was! 

You are in a safe place here.  I'm sorry for the reason you ARE here, but you are welcome!

Much peace!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Happy Anniversary, Colleen!  Woo-Hoo!!!  :dude:

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo’s,

Sus, I know the feeling of “ I have to do something “. Sometimes the Nike commercial comes to mind, “ Just do it “. Easier said. How bout I don’t do it, or can’t. I think the first year after Rich’s death I was temporarily insane ..Looking back. I walked the walk and talked the talk but wasn’t here.

Carol, Thinking of you and Ralph. I miss your pictures!

Dee, loved the sailboat picture. I felt like I was right there.

Trudi, I liked the mountains and the sky picture the best. At first I thought you stated that you were taking the kids to school in the balloon. Hmm, insanity. Maybe not so temporary.

Greg and Kathy, beautiful grandchildren, I enjoy seeing them.

Betty, it’s a nice day today. A gentle breeze. I hope the breeze carries over to you and takes the dark clouds that may surround you, I hope they just blow right out to sea.

MaryAnn, since Rich died, when I don’t hear from people, I think they are dead. You aren’t dead are you?

Speaking of worry. I posted a pic not long ago of my friend Alice. Friends since 7th grade. We have had our moments, disagreements etc…I knew she had a Dr appointment on the day of my mom’s funeral. I told her to go. My old bud has breast cancer. Both breast’s. I knew when she didn’t call for days. She’ll be 50 in August. Adopted, with no medical info from her biological fathers side. ((groan))..I’ll always be there for her. Maybe not close physically but, I’ll be there

And..

I have made a decision. I have no grand illusions . Everything will not always be ok but, my Aunt , my mom’s sister, asked me to come stay with her a while. Her husband died a week before my mom. I said yes. She lives in my home state. A state I was just priced out of for a time. Just for the heck of it I looked at apartment prices in my old neighborhood. A 2 bedroom, $1800.00 . They are crazy. Of course there other neighborhoods.

So, I will be leaving the mountains. My concern is that I’ll be close to my old home, the home that I raised my kids in. Their schools. I remember the first time I saw Rich’s friend Dan. I automatically looked over his shoulder for Rich. My therapist told me that since I have dealt with Richs death alone, up here, that in time I will be ok with “places”.

I hope this is a stepping stone for me. Here it is not even summer and I am worried about winter. Self - sufficient. I have to find a way to ensure that I have options. Here, they are few.

I’ll keep you up to date. I never really unpacked after I got here. Rich died… “Stuff”, day to day stuff is all I needed. So, packing is sort of done.

I’ll be reading along people.

Betsy,mysonRich

　

　

[ericasmom]

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY Col and Scott! 22 years is a great many years, and you should both be proud of the foundation that holds your family.

Betsy, good luck with your decision to help out your Auntie. She might just be the guiding force for your next step and while we never know what is around the corner, it seems your instincts are being freed up some. Good for you. When will you move? What state are we talking?

Rhonda, glad to have a name too. Up and down is the way we have all learned to live, hard on our equilibrium. I felt in the beginning that I needed a dramamine to hold my stomach in place. Take your time getting to know us.

dee

[Guest]

Betsy - Everywhere I go there are reminders of Stephanie.  At first I just wanted to run away from here.  Go anywhere.  I just wanted to make it all go away.  It was too painful. 

Now, the "places" bring comfort instead of pain.  I am glad I have those places to remind me that she really was here.  There are happy memories, now, mingled with the difficult memories of her drug days.  Those harder memories help me be grateful for where she is NOW.  Grateful her struggle with drugs, booze and men is over. 

I hope the move for you will prove to be healing in the long run.

Blessings!  Susannah

[lolynbo]

IT REALLY JUST GETS ME....PPL REALLY CLOSE TO ME...JUST DONT GET IT...

MY SISTER SAID THIS WEEKEND.."YOULL NEVER GET OVER THIS WILL YOU".....ARE YOU KIDDN ME.. MY SISTER SAYS THIS TO ME...HELL NO I WILL NEVER GET OVER IT...ITS NOT LIKE I LOST MY JOB...I LOST .MY DAUGHTER , MY BEST FRIEND.....

[ericasmom]

Okay, just finished tutoring out on the deck, a lovely little girl going into third grade. Her Granny came and sat in our garden while she and I worked. Her Granny lives across the street from the school where this child attends, and where I work, so I often see Rita, (grandma) when I park my car each morning. So she was comfy reading in the shade of the River Birch, and when she was walking toward her car she said, "I lost my Daughter a while back, she was 39. She had Downs so she lived with me her whole life. "

I said, "oh, I lost my Girl too, 7 years ago almost."

She said, "yes, my Daughter left 7 years ago, on July 8th 2003."

I cried out, and we embraced, that was the date that my Girl was hit by the train. Her Daughter died at around 8:00 pm, My girl was struck around 9:00PM Michigan time.

She took my hands and said, our Girls must know each other.

Tell me this isn't supposed to have been...my tutoring her grandgirl and finding these intimate stories from one another. Holy Cow.

Thank You Girls- Victoria and Erica.

I meant to say last week in response to several posts, that the timing of our losses sometimes seems so ironic. Sus, I think it was you that said, Stephanie was finally clean and happy, and then she died. The first thing that popped in my heart/head was, I was so glad that she knew happiness, that she could be proud of herself. One day of that is a gift, and she had the gift maybe short lived but nevertheless.

[briansdad]

Here is another pic.

 

[ericasmom]

What a looker Greg, she is really the picture of her DADDY.

[Guest]

I absolutely agree, Dee.  Through the heartache of her death, there is much to be grateful for.  She was happy, clean and sober.  She was reunited with her children.  They got to know the mother she should have been, would have been.  I got to know my daughter as a healthy adult.  Her life had been spared so many times before. 

One time when I was "talking" to her I made the comment that I thought God had saved her from herself and saved us, especially the children, from another round.  She laughed and said, "God didn't save me or you.  It was my time".  She said it was always the plan.  I'm not sure I buy it but it's what was "said" to me.

Stephanie is real big on telling me how wonderful God is.  I haven't heard from her in a while, but she always edifies our Creator.  I chose to ignore her in the beginning because I was too angry at God.  I wasn't sure I even believed in Him/Her anymore. 

Thanks to all of you I have been able to work through it.  I realize that my belief in God doesn't make Him/Her any more real and my lack of belief doesn't make Him/Her any less real.  God just is.  What ever we perceive Him/Her to be. 

He/She hasn't fallen of the proverbial "throne" because of all the tragedies in life.  He/She didn't get all shook up and wonder what He/She would do next because of 911, the oil spill or because my grandchildren were abused.  He/She didn't lose faith in me just because I lost faith in Him/her.  He/She just keeps gently guiding us towards love.  Always love.  Our whole mission on planet earth is to learn to love unconditionally and forgive one another.  That's it. 

I have a long way to go.  Knowing my purpose and fulfilling my purpose are two different things.  Sometimes I willingly choose to ignore God's message to me because I am too angry, hurt or afraid.  And, most of the time His/Her message makes no sense until much later.

So far, He/She has not found it necessary to explain Himself/Herself to me.  He/She just asks for continual trust. 

Rambling again.......

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[daveydow1]

  As usual,---I'm behind. Must post today before the grandies get here for

an overnighter .

Sonya----Yes, I know just what you mean about being relieved, yet sad that

something is over. It's always  conflicting emotions for us, isn't it? Hope the

VBS went well for you. My grandies attended two different VBS this year.

Carol----Will pray hard that all Ralph's tests are favorable. Davis' nervousness

is so understandable. That would have been my Davey too. The BELIEVE tat

was so nice for Mike to 'send' to calm Davis. Peace, friend.

Lorri----Such a nice thing to change the name of your boat to Kourtney Rose, in

honor of your sweet daughter.  Yep---many people don't 'get it'.  They can't unless

it has actually happened to them.  Enjoy your cruise .

Trudi---Thanks for the pics of the hot air balloon.  Grandies are grand, aren't they?

My grt-granma came from Scotland. I have a dear penpal from there---we've written

letters for close to 20 yrs. now.

Dee---I do hope your flowers survived the storms. Amazing story about the gram

who told you of losing her daughter, and the dates almost identical.  I so know

what you mean about crying. Right in the middle of supper last night, I burst into

tears.  No rules of decorum when it comes to abject sorrow.

Kathy----Yes, we here at BI, and anyone who has lost a child has to deal with

all the conflicting emotions that goes with it. Dear pics of Tav.....thanks.

Lynn----Glad that you weathered the storm out (except for a wet behind)

Colleen----Glad that you got out to the Summerfest. We have them at a nearby

park also......they've just started.  So very nice......that Brian's friends put his

picture on their first CD. Such a nice tribute to your son. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

Greg----Sweet pic of your little granddaughter......you sure can see Brian in her

smiling face.

     Peace to all here at BI 

                                  Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry