Loss of an Adult Child

[shorty16]

Susannah,

"We really don't have a medical answer for the fact she did survive and she does so well.  I just thank God for it everyday!"

WOW, Love this statement, Susannah.  I am so glad for you and your daughter in that respect.

Thanks for sharing

Colleen

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, I've been hanging around. Not much else to do right now. Going through " stuff". Stuff that sat in my grandmother's closet for years and now sits in mine. Sorting I guess. I have her antique jewel chest set aside for Rich. Its old and wood and can be either her or him. I decided that I would give that to Rich when I died. So much for that. I'm going to keep Richs things in there now. What will fit.

What may seem odd to some is that I now feel that this beautiful area in which I live, well, it seems to go hand in hand with death. Perhaps I needed the mountains and nature to see me through. God has a plan, does he not? I still think of leaving this place. With my mom gone now my reason for being here is also gone. If I live to old age I'm thinking self-sufficiency. To me that is a walkable town/city. Things with-in reach. Forgive me for running on. Two days of thought .

Sus, Rich had some health issues as a young boy. Not to the extent of your dear girl but we traveled to and fro. One good Dr we found decided to move to Russia to practice. Those days were hard for my boy but he overcame them. I question a God that makes a young life so difficult and at times , mean people, why when his life seems so happy and on track, why take him now? You know what I mean.

 Westley's mom, I'm sorry that you are here but, you have come to the right place. I apologize for not  writing to you sooner. My boy died in his sleep as well. Also in January. He was 20 years young .

Mary Ann and Betty, I hope you both are as well as can be.

Dee and Sherry, the nest I've been watching. The guy next door almost got it with his over zealous weed-wacking. Two blue eggs inside.

 This is "my" heart tree with leaves. As Bonnie pointed out, it does have a hole in it.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

 

[westleysmom]

Westley's Mom here.  It was a very hard weekend for my husband with Father's Day and they are all very hard for us anyway.  At church they played a video that we had made for Father's Day three years ago of pictures of dads in the church.  I had given them a picture of my husband and both kids on Father's day a few years back.  Westley was laughing and my husband and daughter were smiling and I knew it was on there when they started playing the video because I had given it to them.  But I don't think my husband remembered what picture I had put on there, so when it came on the screen, he just froze and I could tell he was about to lose it.  My mother-in-law was sitting in front of us and she sobbed and I sobbed and my sister sobbed. I try not to cry when I'm with a lot of people, but it happened.  We went to the graveyard later, I go every Sunday almost, but I usually go alone.  It was a very hard day.  Saturday was hard too.  I took my Mama something for lunch, and when I started to leave, she was crying and I didn't think she would stop.  I told her I cry all the time when I'm alone and she said she does too.  He loved her a lot, last year at this time he was power washing her driveway for her.  Its funny how you remember things like that.  Thank you all for the warm welcome, I just didn't post over the weekend because I was trying to keep from coming unglued. 

[Guest]

Betsy - It's so good to see Rich's face this morning!  You are quite the photographer.  Beautiful pictures.  I felt the emptiness/loneliness as I read your words about going through stuff.  Putting Rich's things in your mother's trunk.  So bittersweet.

Well, Indigo's....I must cop to some nervous energy.  I've mentally begun the "countdown" to Stephanie's first angeldate.  One year ago tomorrow she graduated from treatment in Cresco Iowa.  That type of thinking.  I've stayed busy, not allowing myself to dwell on it, but it seems to almost take on a life of its own.  I've also noticed I am waiting for the next shoe to drop.  "Who are you going to take next?"  That type of thinking really zaps my joy, faith and energy.  I have to do a lot of mental talking to avoid getting trapped again.  But, I can feel it building inside me.  I've been there enough times, now, I know the signs.  I've realized, for myself, I can't rush "it" either.  I can't force myself through it because the timing is convenient for me to have a melt-down right now, but it won't be tomorrow.  This grief thing sure has a life of its own.  I can't control it (grief) but I can choose to look it in the eye.  I'm not as afraid of it as I was. 

Dee - I love the butterfly quotes.  I wonder if the caterpillar knows it will be a butterfly.  I mean...how does anyone know it doesn't know.  Maybe that's just faith.  I read a story about a butterfly at my sister's funeral.  I'll post it here.  It isn't new, so you've probably heard it before.  It makes sense to me.

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[sherrie8168]

Betsy and Everyone,

Haven't been on here is quite some time. Must have been meant for me to do so today. I noticed that you said, Betsy, your son died in his sleep, too. My son, Bill, died in his sleep at 30. Paralyzing. No other word. I can certainly understand people who contemplate suicide. That PAIN...that pain.  You know.

Anyway, I want to drop off a hug. Holding all of you in my heart...for peace.

 

Sherrie

Bill's momma

[daniellemom]

Colleen – I’m so sorry I missed Brian’s angelversay on Saturday.  My thoughts were with you I just was not able to post.  

 Wesley’s Mom – That is a picture of Danielle our last family beach trip with her listening to her music with the Ipod.  She was so much fun.  I’m sorry to hear that this weekend was hard for your husband.  

Tonight starts VBS with the 3 and 4 years olds I will be teaching, so please say a pray for me and them.  They are too funny and you know they will not mind telling me when I do something wrong, or they don’t like what we are doing.  We are doing the fruit of the spirit so tonight is love and (Grapes) so I have grapes for us to eat and grapes to color to go along with the lesson.  I hope they enjoy it.  

Susannah – My thoughts are with you as you approach the first year.  I too remember each day that first year thinking.  This time last year, Danielle was doing this are doing that.  My Stephanie’s memories stay very close to you.  

Kathy – Love the pictures of my future son-in-law! (LOL)  

Betty – So glad you are back from your trip.  Tell me all about it. 

Sherrie – Bill’s Mom – so nice to see Bill’s smiling face this morning, how have you been doing?

Dee – Bad storms in your area – I hope everything is ok.  

Betsy – Love the pictures, are you thinking of moving?  

Trudi – I’m glad you made it to the house warming.  I went to a baby shower at my sister’s house on Saturday and noticed Mattie was looking at a picture of Danielle on the fridge every time she walked by she would stop and stare, I was going to ask her why but I already knew.

Sherry – I hope your garden is doing well.  We have started to get tomatoes just a few but they have been so good. 

Sonya - Danielle's Mom

[sherrie8168]

Hi, Sonya,

I've tried to spend some time reading back posts a while to reaquaint myself with everyone. I do so  hate that there are more and more members. Not that I don't like seeing everyone...just the reason for it stinks.

Bill died November 17, 2007. I have read that some of you aren't getting the support from friends and family. They don't say your child's name for fear of upsetting you or maybe it makes them uncomfortable. Whatever their reason....don't let it stop you..not for a minute. I think that is something else we all have in common....worrying that our child will be forgotten.  SO...I have taken a proactive approach to that worry. Bill has a memorial website, a facebook memorial page, a myspace page. I post on his FB page about the signs I get from Bill. I will have another  reading with Ocallah next week and will post what comes out of that. It gives ME pleasure to talk about Bill...and my sharing the signs and readings gives others hope that those who have gone are not really gone.

I give a scholarship each year at my school where I teach...Bill's Memorial Scholarship.  I had auto decals made in his memory and friends and family have them on their cars. I do everything I can to  keep his name and face "out there".  Somehow it makes me feel not quite so helpless.

I know that all of us KNOW the pain; the longing; the heartache. I joined this site less than a month after Bill died. It was salvation, because all of you KNOW. Thank you for being here for the others that sadly in pain and disbelief. All of you rock !

Sending warm hugs esp to the new members.

Sherrie

Bill's Momma

[lolynbo]

WELL NOT THAT IM COUNTING BUT THE CRUISE IS IN 97 DAYS...BUT IM ALSO LOOKING FWD TO OUR VACATION (MONTY,KODY, BROOKE AND I) TO SAN ANTONIO SEA WORLD AND SLIDDERBAUN, AND RIVER WALK....LOVE LOVE LOVE THAT PLACE...ITS IN LESS THEN 40...THEN WHEN WE GET HOME IM HAVING AN "ELECTIVE SURGERY DONE"....CUZ LETS JUST SAY "THE TWINS HAVE PLAYED OUT"....NOT WANTING TO DO IT AGAIN BUT THEY NEED REPLACED...(SORRY GUYS I SHOULDA TOLD YOU TO COVER YOUR EYES)....

SLEPT TIL 11:30 TODAY I GUESS I WAS EMOTIONALLY DRAINED...

[ericasmom]

Sherrie, nice to see you here. I don't know if I was here when you first were posting after your Beautiful Son's death. I am sorry that you have to be here as well, but again, what a good place to find in those hours of great and powerful pain. I have not had a reading nor gone to a seer of any sort but would like to pop into a place without any pre-discussion with anyone and see how they do. I had had signs of our loss before ERica died, and certainly have been touched with her lovely messages since then. My Former husband died over a year ago, and I do feel he too has sent some signals from their home beyond our vision. I too believe that there is a somewhere, that our beloved ones are not gone, and certainly not forgotten. Peace in this day.

Sonya, some bad weather coming again, but so far just sprinkles. I got on the local transit to the city again this morning to visit with my doc, the one who is a breast specialist. Things are good, so every six months for little checks to make sure as I have had a few lumps along the way.

Sus, each time I have gone back to therapy in the last many years has been to re-learn what and how to find the day in the midst of my fear. It isn't easy, but it sure makes life better when I can do that.

Betsy, nice photos, love the nest. Blue eggs, all blue, then robins. No sweeter music. Specs on the blue? I forgot which bird that might be but I can find out. Love the heart.

Love to all,

dee

dee

[ericasmom]

Lor, must be writing at the same time as you. Laughed at the twins have played out. You are a hoot.

love you,

dee

[briansdad]

[user=22932]lolynbo[/user] wrote:

"ELECTIVE SURGERY DONE"....CUZ LETS JUST SAY "THE TWINS HAVE PLAYED OUT"....NOT WANTING TO DO IT AGAIN BUT THEY NEED REPLACED...(SORRY GUYS I SHOULDA TOLD YOU TO COVER YOUR EYES)....

YOU MEAN HECKLE AND JECKLE. :shock:

My wife had a t-shirt with them on it. It was one of my favs

[shorty16]

Greg

Heckel and Jeckel - Never heard that before!?!?!

Funny

Colleen

[lolynbo]

WELL HECKEL AND JECKEL.....LOL AS THE DOC SAYS "ITS TIME TO ROTATE THE TIRES...THE TREAD IS GONE"....

[briansdad]

hERE THEY ARE

 

[ericasmom]

Greg, love the Heckle and Jeckle reference.

 Did you catch any fish while away? My Son loves fishing too. He goes to little human made places around the general area when he is not around a bigger fishing hole. Bass and while on a charter trip, he caught trout and salmon.

[westleysmom]

Do the what-ifs and if-onlys ever stop?  It has been five months and a 8 days and I still keep thinking there is something I should have done differently and I wouldn't be here and he wouldn't be gone.  That somehow I could have kept this from happening and I didn't.  I guess its the control-freak within that is driving me crazy.  Does anybody else ever struggle with these feelings?

[briansdad]

[user=53239]westleysmom[/user] wrote:

Do the what-ifs and if-onlys ever stop?  It has been five months and a 8 days and I still keep thinking there is something I should have done differently and I wouldn't be here and he wouldn't be gone.  That somehow I could have kept this from happening and I didn't.  I guess its the control-freak within that is driving me crazy.  Does anybody else ever struggle with these feelings?

Always, It's coming up on 6 years for me and I ofter wonder if i could have said and done something different. Hindsite is human nature.You won't have as many later on but they still hit once in a while. 5 months is still way early.You should see if there are any local Compassionate friends or Bereaved Parents groups.It helps to talk with other parents face to face as well as coming here.

This site was my salvation on the many nights that i couldn't sleep.

Greg

 

[westleysmom]

Thanks.  I hesitated to even bring it up, because I didn't want anybody to think I was implying that it was within our control to have stopped this horrible thing that happened to us.  The only person I question is me, not anybody else.  I should have been better or different and then I wouldn't be here.  I know it sounds crazy, even to me.  But that's what I do to myself.  My best friend lost her son 12 days before me and I talk to her, but I haven't done Compassionate Friends yet.  Its only once a month and kind of far away, so I haven't tried it.  Anyway, thanks for something to look forward to, even if its only feeling guilty less often.

[sherrie8168]

No, as Greg says....they never do. They just get farther apart. I think we ALL have beaten ourselves up time and time again until our guts were wrenched. I would give anything...anything to go back for a do-over. But, alas....

I had two readings the summer after Bill died. Two different mediums and WOW at the same information in them.  There are some sites I would like to share in case anyone is interested in reading them.

Ocallah   http://www.lightworkerstore.com/webdesign/design/ocallah/main.htm

The Afterlife     http://www.victorzammit.com/ 

Bill's Site   http://bill-mcmahon-iv.memory-of.com/

Mary Jo McCabe  http://www.maryjomccabe.com

Hello from Heaven  http://www.after-death.com

Quit Kissing My Ashes  http://www.quitkissingmyashes.com

Afterlife Experiments  http://www.afterlife101.com/HESL.html

 

Sending love and warm hugs to soften the pain.

PEACE

Sherrie

Bill's Momma

 

[mikesmum]

Sherrie - Great to see that handsome face.  LOve the poem.....been there a number of times.  Took all I had not to accost the young man who took my breath as he passed me at the local mall.....Mike all but for those brown eyes that looked at me with a recognition only a child could.

Lorrie - Love it.....rotate the tires..

Greg - Heckle and Jeckle - now I feel reallly old.

Westley's mum - the whys whatifs will be there, their impact a little less but we as parents will always wonder if there was something we could have said or done that would have changed the world that one day.

Its below freezing here this morning.  No visability.  Might try some 'housework' before we walk.....I know its crazy, its been such a long time....need to hunt out the vaccum cleaner...now where was that........Trudi

[lolynbo]

HEAT INDEX HERE IN OKLAHOMA IS 105...POOL TIME WAS SHORT TODAY...FEELS LIKE BATHWATER...

ALSO WE HAVE 2ND ROW SEATS TO CONCERT JULY7TH...UNCLE TED NUGENT...GOOD TIMES...LAST TIME HE CAME TO TOWN...KOURTNEY AND MY BFF WENT WITH US...THEY BOTH PASSED 5 MONTHS APART...KOURTNEY AND DELMA...BOTH FROM BRAIN TUMORS....IRONIC????

[summergirl]

Lorri - congrates on getting Heckle and Jeckle rotated.....you guys are too funny !!  Just when I need a laugh I come here and there it is...

Greg - hope you caught some fish.....Tavian loves to fish also, when camping we find him outside at the water fishing pole in hand at 8 in the morning....then through out the day in between swimming and snacking..

Thank you all for the comments on Tavian.....yes Trudi, summergirl has a summerboy !!  love it.

Westlysmom - yes - we have all been there and still go there.....if only I had, if only she had, if I could have been there, I should have known something was wrong, the doctor should have known something was wrong, I am her mom and I should have felt it coming----so many "what ifs and whys" that we can mentally and physically drain ourselves....It has been 4 years, 4 months and 3 days since my Jessica left and I still "go there" now and again....not as often as time does soften the pain but it NEVER goes away.   Please never hesitate to bring up any subject, talk about whatever you want...that is why we are here.....

Suz - you have certainly been through it and having your daughter survive all the medical trauma she has is a miracle and a blessing....we must count our blessings even when we are at our lowest point.

Sonya - yes, your future son-in-law is quite the boy.   His last baseball gane was tonight and he did so good.....got his trophy and his soooo ready for bed right now. I am glad the season is over....baseball every Monday and Friday night has taken it's toll on kids and parents so it is nice to have a break.

So wonderful to see some faces that have not been here for a while.  I find it hard to catch up after being away for a bit so I try not to worry about it too much.....do my best.

I love you all. Peace, love and strength. Kathy

[rlolheiser]

Not much happening, I finally get to get online.  I have been super busy.  By night time the storms are so bad I don't dare get on.  I hear more coming tonight.  I just wanted to say that I had a really good time with my boy.  We walked all day and most of the night.  He was so happy, he didn't seem to mind being with just me.  There was always a stray kid at the next ride to go along with him.  We were gone from 1 pm til 9 pm.  I haven't stayed away from mom that long.  My sister-in-law checked in on her along with my husband. 

I sat and missed dad yesterday.  Watching the storms go through made me think of him.  He was always the one who stood watch over all of us making us safe.  As the lightning lit up the sky.. my tears fell just missing that man who made me feel so safe.

Coleen, wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and Brian (hugs)

I hear the distant thunder moving in again.. so I guess I better get off this thing

Thinking of you all with so much gratitude in my heart!

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[ericasmom]

Leah, we are sharing the thunder, and I imagine Colleen is too. More storms though passing for the most part, to the south of Chicago, and to the north, so we may just have a bit of noise. I would like it if the rain could just go around us for a few days, the ground was rather saturated, but oh well, like I could control weather.( Actually, that old thunder is getting louder and closer). Leah, I am very happy for you and your Boy, for spending so many hours up and walking together at the fair. He must have loved sharing that time with you. I can hear the smile in your words here.

Sherri, I love that poem. There have been several times when I thought I saw ERi, or I saw someone that simply reminded me of her and I wanted to follow her, but I would have easily looked like a stalker. IT is hard to not stare to not be close in proximity to one who shares traits with my Girl. Whether it be her dreads, or the way she walks down the street, or her loud laugh, whatever the shared traits, I am drawn to her. What a handsome photo of your Son, Bill. I will look into some of those sites when I am done writing, thanks.

Westleys Mom, we have all had bouts of the guilts, even when our brains and hearts and all our thinking feeling parts know that we could do nothing to prevent the deaths of our Children, we go there. Hell, I had nightmares, four of them in April and May of 2003 that something was going to happen to ERi and two weeks prior to her being hit by the train, I told both my sisters that I did not think that Erica would live long into adulthood. She was 19. I could do nothing even with clues, with signals that reached my dreams and my waking...I was powerless. I was on the phone with my Girl just 30 minutes prior to her being hit, maybe, had I kept her on a bit more, who knows?  I am going on 7 in heaven, and I have less of that sense of it being preventable by me...but as Greg said, it does sometimes just show up. Also as Greg said, 5 months is very new to this ache. While it is a lifetime ago that put you in this sad place, it is also very new. I came to this site when I was 5 months into grieving. The shock was wearing away and I needed to find someway of communicating with others who knew. Here was/is that place. The most important thing here is to do what you are doing, which is ask questions and let your heart ramble through the mess that grief offers. Some days are easier than others, some days and weeks could be excruciating. You can and should just spill out what comes forth, let it out into the light of day. Don't be afraid of saying too much, IMPOSSIBLE. This is the place where we are free to speak our souls. Our Children brought us here, and I believe that each of our Kids is proud that we have found a way to give voice to our broken hearts.

Okay, I may have to sign out as the lightning and thunder just shook the floor and the rain is poring down.

My eyes are sleepy, going to bed soon. I had a blood sugar drop while at the gym in the warm water pool. I got out of the pool to shower real quick, knowing tha tI was feeling more and more shaky. In the shower, the hot water felt so strange on me, I found myself hanging on to the shower wall, wrapped up adn went out to the lockers and sat there shaking. I asked someone to get me some juice and the physiologist. (the gym is attached to a hospital and the trainers are physiologists, the gym is mostly older folks), so they came in, three women and blood pressure cuffs were on, graham crackers in one hand, apple juice in the other. I was white as the paper in your printer. So my blood pressure was 85/60. TOO LOW. Usually it is 120/70. So I sat with them and one put a cold towel on my neck which helped a great deal. When my blood pressure was up to 110/70, they let me go home. It was scary, especially in the shower when the water felt weird. Now I am just tired. Will remember to take a snack along with me from here on out.

[ericasmom]

The rain is torrential, husband just got up to check the basement. HOpe it doesn't flood, hope my Son's doesn't flood. Fingers crossed and prayers.

Leah, hold on if you are having this storm, it is a doozy.

Sherrie, just visited two of your sites, one was your pages for Bill. They are beautiful. The photos and the lovely testaments of love as the Beatles sing on. So pretty.

Thanks for sharing.

[Guest]

Dee - I hope you are feeling better!  That must have been very scary for you.

Lorri - You crack me up!  I love your openness and honesty.  How often do you have to get them "fixed"?  Is it as intrusive as the original surgery?  Will it hurt as badly?  I looked into get mine "aired up" but I have an strong aversion to pain.

Sherri - I quickly glanced through all the sites.  I'm going to save them to my favorites.  I agree with Ocallah's views on life, death and spirituality.  Pretty cool!

Leah - So good to "see" JaBoa's face.  I'm glad you enjoyed the time with your son. 

Kathy - Yep.  It's been an interesting life thus far, that's for sure!  I hope the second half of my life is much, much less interesting! 

I'm sure there are some of you I've missed.  But, I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open. 

Love to you all!

Stephanie's mom, susannah

[ericasmom]

Well it was flooding so we just worked to get some water out of the room where it begins to fill. Oh Boy. I have a feeling that the old husband won't sleep well tonight Poor guy. The sump pump keeps stopping, and the amount of rain that came down in 20 minutes overpowered any of the attempts to keep water out.

Thanks Sus, it was scary but I am okay just tired and if it keeps raining, that will deeply cut into sleep. Oh well, whatever it takes.

Love ya,

dee

[lostwoher]

 Good luck with that Dee. Those are some long nights that I dont miss. I drilled a hole in the basement wall (where it was leaking in) then plugged it. Dont recall with what but it did the trick. Of course after spending many many nights with the shop-vac   These storms have got to get out of here. Farmers are having such a difficult time with crops. The humidity is so bad that I dont know when the last time was that I had a headache free day:X.

I use to love spending time outdoors in the heat doing yard work but not so much any more. Thought I would do the landlord a favor by getting rid of weeds/grass that is growing in the driveway and ended up being allergic to the weed killer. After spending $100 and missing 2 days of work I do feel/look better but geez that was rough. I will just have to learn to live with weeds I guess.

Thats my 2 cents for the day. Make it a good one Indigos

Lynn:  Kayla & Travis's mom yesterday, today and tomorrow

[shorty16]

Dee

What a storm last night - Hey????

We were lucky--no power loss, no wind damage, just REALLY LOUD.

Eagle, WI had a tornado (about 30 min W).  No fatalities, about 20 homes damaged, but as we know, homes can be fixed.

Sorry about your flooding.  Humid and Hot today

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Yep, that was a storm to beat us down. Shop-vac indeed Lynn, we had ours out, sucking in gallons of water seeping into the little holding room in the basement. Jiggling the sump pump to make it work, oh  what a night. BUt thankfully, it was short lived storm. More coming however, so I am going for a bike ride while I can, then back home to roost. Maybe I will actually do some housework, Hey Trud, what did you call that thing that I should use to clean the rugs?

Hang tight midwesterners.

Love,

dee

[Guest]

Good morning, Everyone!

I hope you all have a peaceful day! 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Wow, I am so glad that you all are surviving all these storms...so sorry about the flooding though...oh, do I know that song...our basement got so bad that the water eventually starting seeping UP through the floor, then when a kind neighbor came over to install a sump pump, we found out that the builder had not done the floor with "4" of conrete over 3 inches of gravel" as he was supposed to have done...it was TWO inches of concrete over SAND and the water just kept coming.  Unfortunately, the builder was out of business (our house at the time was 15 years old) by the time we found out.  We moved two years after the sump pump was installed and hadn't had any high rain since the pump was installed, so didn't have to deal with it.  Now, we have NO basement....YAY!!!Actually, we've been lucky this year, in this area, re storms...lots around us, but so far, not much here.

Sus:  Prayers for Amanda...this girl has been through hell and is surviving...she comes by that honestly, though...

Lorri:  I must have missed the ad for "retreading"...oh well, too late, am riding on the rims now. 

Lynn/Col/Betsy:  So good to see Kayla, Brian, and Rich's faces...beautiful and sunshiny...

Leah:  I know what you mean about missing your dad...my dad is gone just over 40 years, and I can still hear his voice and still remember his rough, thick hands, the strength of them betrayed by his gentle voice and the love shining from his eyes when he would look at us...he was a fisherman by trade and I remember how he could take a hot pan out of the oven without a potholder...and he had a terrific sense of humor.

Busy, busy weekend.  Older boys here Sat and Sun, Damon yesterday...fun, though wearing...I find that my patience seems thinner and my nerves more raw with all this going on with Ralph...I feel okay, and then, WHAM, something happens and my reaction is overkill!  Of course, all of this is impacting the Fibro and I know I can be testy when I am in pain myself...

Dee, I am so glad that you were eventually okay at the gym...that must have been so scary...I am so glad that someone was there to summon help and that help was so quick coming.  As for the vacuum...hmmm...what IS that?

Cathi found out yesterday that she has a HUGE herniated disc at the base of her neck...however, they want to try the conservative route before considering surgery, for which I am grateful...I have heard so many stories of surgery for discs involving the neck area not working out too well and the problem either becoming worse or not improving at all.  She said yestesrday that she actually felt about 5% better, which doesn't sound like much, but as she said, it is a positive sign. 

Kathy:  I am so glad that you have that beautiful ocean and that Tavian loves it so...we are a little further from the ocean than I'd like to be, (about 30-35 miles), but when we go, the kids just love it...it is a lifelong passion of mine. 

Sherrie:  I love the picture of your beautiful Bill, and your poem was beautiful as well.  I will check out those sites later, thanks for sharing.  Yes, as others have responded, we all have those days when the what-ifs and should-haves haunt us...just yesterday, Ralph came across a picture of Mike at his high school graduation, and said "Oh, do I wish I could have this boy back...I would make so many changes"...I knew his heart was aching...Ralph and Mike were not very close while Mike was in his later teens...and less so when Mike was in his early 20's...I know this is a path that unfortunately quite a few sons and fathers follow, but most dads get a chance to correct it...Ralph and Mike got very close during Mike's illness, but Ralph thinks often of the times that he wasted, and I know it haunts him even when he doesn't talk about it.  He is so thankful for the time they did get close, though, even though it was a precursur to not having him in his life any longer.  Mike and I were always close, and though we had our stormy days, we did share a lot, and when he was sick I was his caregiver, yet there are many, many times I think of many, many things I should have/could have done...so, please, try to remember that we all have those feelings and thoughts at times, no matter how long it's been since our child passed...they do come less frequently, but they do come. 

Davis lost another friend this weekend...that's three in less than a year---as well as two friends whose fathers have committed suicide.  He is so affected by this...I am afraid he might be sinking into depression.  I have asked him to call his therapist, but he hasn't so far.  We will need to keep a close eye on him---he is just over 3 weeks till completing his rehab, and this is not a good time for him to be in a depression.  We can only suggest and pray, though, as we can't make decisions for him.  Tonight is his graduation, though, so hopefully that will bring some joy to his heart. 

Got to go and get some things done...have a good day, my indigo friends...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Oh Sweet Heavens Carol, I will say prayers for Davis as he tries to find sense in loss, too much loss. What a struggle he has had trying to stay out of the realm that many find themselves, and to lose so many in so short a time is undoing for many. I hope that Davis can somehow turn that message into why he must stay clean adn healthy.

Hugs to you , to Ralph, to Cathi with prayers for her neck issues, and to Davis.

[shorty16]

Dee

Are you sweating yet?  Hotter than Hot today with humidity in the 80-90%.

Taking the dog swimming after work.

Colleen

[Guest]

80 - 90% humidity?  In Wyoming, we call that rain.    We have such dry weather.  We need lots of moisturizer.

I'm sorry for Davis loss, again, Carol.  You said he's in rehab?  I must have missed that part before.   I hope he stays close to his support group/system when he gets out. 

I understand regret too.  The what ifs and if onlys can eat me alive if I allow them to take up too much space in my brain for too long a time.  It has taken me many years of hard work, but I try very hard not to drift back there so much anymore.  I've also learned that acceptance doesn't mean NOT doing anything.  In fact, acceptance allows me to see the situation clearly and do what I can with what's in front of me.  However, as much as I wish things could have been differently, I can do nothing about the past.  I find, for me, it becomes a whipping stick instead of a learning tool. 

Stephanie certainly understands more about this life, now, than I do!  I take comfort in that fact.  Hopefully, she'll send some of that wisdom to me to help raise her children so I don't have as many regrets with them.

Nap time.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

well, too late, am riding on the rims now

LOL SORRY BUT ARE THEY 20" RIMS OR 24S"...LOL FUNNY

[ericasmom]

RIMS and what not, I am loving it. I am (cover your ears and eyes boys), one of those women who wishes she had cleavage, never have, and have too many must have surgeries to go for a non-needed one, but I do wish I had been well endowed. Instead, I have some of the Italian tendencies, and the Scottish top half. Not the best of genetic material, but it will have to do.

dee

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's,  Wow, the storms you all are going through !! I do not want them here, been HOT and HUMID which I love but there always comes a time when the storm rolls in...I think they are talking Thursday for some...hope they are not as bad as what you guys have had !!

Dee - glad all turned out ok for you....I have low blood pressure, always have.  I have to be careful as I sometimes forget to eat and them my low blood sugar kicks in and I get dizzy and realize I need to eat or drink something to steady myslef. Barry is always yelling at me to eat more but I have never been a big eater....seem to just eat when I feel hungry and sometimes I can go for a couple of days which is not good.....

Carol - saying a prayer for you, Ralph, Cathi and Davis.....It must be so diffacult for Davis with so many losses in such a short time, I can understand the worry of the depression....thinking of you all and sending virtual hugs.    Yes, I am lucky to live so close to the ocean and the bay....worries me at times because of hurricanes but we have been here 26 years and so far so good, no major hurricanes.....hope it stays that way.    Tavian is a swimmer, he would be in all day if I did not make him come out to eat and rest a bit.  Next March he is going to be on a swim team and also do the junior lifeguard course as he can do it when he is 9 which will be next Feb.   I am having a hard time believing he will be 9.....just not possible and I want to keep him just the way he is now but I know he must grow up.....

Well Lorri - I am not riding on the rims !!!  I have always been "small" but along came menopause and I am now much more endowed (as Dee says) then I have ever been and I must say my Barry is not unhappy about it as I actually have cleavage now   How long have you had yours (funny) and do you have to "pump them up" often ?? Always wondered about that !!!

I too have almost run someone down because they have reminded me of my Jessica, I find myself reaching out with my arms to grab hold and then realize it is not her. I have seen her car 3 times this week and my breathing stops for a moment as it is as though I see HER driving it and not the woman who bought it.....I want to turn around and follow.....

Does anyone ever think of their child without feeling pain ???  I do, there are times I think of Jessica and I am at peace and a quiet calm comes over me....not often but now and again. Just wondering....

Time to put Tavian to bed, very tired and seems to have something coming on...I think it is from to much swimming - 4 days in a row - but will keep my eye on him.

Love, peace and strength...Kathy

 

[summergirl]

PLAYING !!!

[summergirl]

SUNSET

[Guest]

There is a mother at the kid's school who looks a lot like Stephanie.  I really didn't notice her until AFTER Steph died.  I stared at her all the time.  Finally I walked over and introduced myself and apologized for staring and explained why I did.  She was very sweet about it.  Four days after Steph died I thought I saw her and my heart jumped for joy and then I remembered.  It took all of a half a second.  Now it's just kind of always "there".

I do think of Stephanie without pain, now.  I even laugh at some of the things she did.  I even feel honest joy most of the time.  I never thought that would happen again.

We go to court on Monday at 10 to finalize the adoption.  Then, all of this will be over.  Or, just beginning.  The attorney expected me to be elated, but I just felt empty.  I've been sad ever since.  I don't even know why. 

That's the thing with the grief journey.  I don't recognize the emotion until I've worked through it.  It's unfamiliar territory for me.  I don't like knowing what I'm feeling.  I've always had to identify it quickly so I can put it in perspective and work through it.  That doesn't work with this.

We began fighting to get the grandkids on February 23, 2009.  We had found out the state had them the Friday before, 2/20/09.  We didn't know where they were for over a year, neither did Stephanie.  The state contacted us that Friday night, about 8:30pm to say they had them and that they had been severely abused, sexually and physically.  "Who did it?" I demanded.  "Tina."  was their answer.

Stephanie was in treatment by then.  I called to tell her, except I didn't dare talk to her because I was too upset.  So, I relayed the information through the counselor.  "This is all her fault!" I yelled.  "She did this!  If it hadn't been for her actions and choices none of this would have happened!"

Deep sigh..........

One year ago today she graduated from treatment successfully. 

I'm not elated.  It's been a long, hard, expensive, draining journey.  We have fought hard to protect these children and keep them safe.  At first it seemed that everyone was against us.  At first we were suspect in the harm inflicted on the children.  Although it was difficult not knowing where they were, it turned out to be a blessing, because Tina accused Stephanie, me, Gary and the school district (three different schools) for the abuse.  Stephanie, Gary and I were in the clear quickly because we had no contact with the children for over a year.

How do I feel?  I'm angry!!!!!!

I'm angry!

I'm angry.

I'm heartbroken.

I just want to--------to--------to....what?  What do I want?  I wanted to keep the kids safe.  We've achieved that.  Why am I not celebrating? 

We had a zero chance of winning this thing on February 20th.  Sixteen months later and we've achieved our abjective.

Winning isn't all it's cracked up to be.

A high price has been paid.  By all of us.  The highest price of all by the children. 

My daughter suffered in life.  She had a pain inside of her that prevented her from looking life head on - - in the eyes. 

Until the end.  The last six weeks of her life were good.  I think.  We did find out she got involved with a less than honorable character at the time of her death.  When I found out about that, and the fact she would have got her kids back and possibly put them in a worse situation than they were with Tina, I was glad she died.

Honestly.

What kind of mother feels that way?  I guess this kind of mother.

I keep saying I didn't want her to die, God..........I just wanted her to change.

She's not tortured anymore.  I'm glad for that. 

But, I'm angry tonight.  At everything, really.  A lot has happened in 16 months. 

A lot.

PS - The mother who looks like Stephanie is nothing like Stephanie.  She is never high or drunk when she gets her kids.  She shows up on time.  Her kids are top students. 

I guess I'm not grieving Stephanie's death tonight.  I'm grieving her life.  How many times have I cried for a "do over" for her.  So I could raise her right.  Do everything right.  I would have never married her biological father who molested her several times.  But, then she would have never existed.

Would I want that?  No.  Hell no!  

Sorry guys.  Just venting.

And, now I get a "do over" on her behalf for her children.  What the hell?  God help us do a good job!  We're not young anymore.  We're not patient all the time.  We go to bed at 8!  7 sometimes.  We're strict.  I'm so afraid of screwing up her kids more than they have been.

Actually, they're pretty cool kids.  The bravest people I've ever met.

I'm done venting.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

ONLY "MAINTENCE IV EVER GIVIN THESE "TIRES" IS WASH AND DRY...AND AN OCCASIONAL RUBA DUB FROM THE HUBS....BUT NO PUMPIN THEY HAVE STAYED "AIRD FOR 16 YRS"...JUST NEED NEW ONES...DONT WANNA RIDE ON "RIMS"...LOL....R WE ALL ON CRACK...WE ARE ALL GONE MENTALLY ARNT WE...

STEPHANIE I SO UNDER STAND HOW YOU FEEL...MY BROTHER USED DRUGS AND JUST HAD AND MADE HIS LIFE RUFF...DRUGS DIABETES, MOOOOOOOD SWINGS (NOW LOOKING BACK I THINK HE WAS BYPOLAR (SP)..) BUT WHO KNEW....THEN HE GOT IT TOGETHER QUIT DRUGS GOT A GOOD JOB AS CNA/MAT AT VETERANS CENTER AND ONLY HAD 4 YRS TO ENJOY HIS "NEW LIFE" THEN DIABETES GOT HIM.....ITS LIKE HE FINALLY GETS IT TOGETHER AND HES GONE.......(NOT THAT IM SAYING YOUR GIRL HAD DRUG PROBS , JUST WAS GETTING HER LIFE TOGETHER)....MAKES ME MAD...LIKE THEY JUST HAD IT IN THEIR GRASPS AND IT IS GONE....BUT LIKE MY KODY SAID

"UNCLE LARRY HAS BEEN CLEAN FOR 8 YRS NOW"....(4 WHILE ALIVE)....AND I THOUGHT YES...HES VERY CLEAN NOW....

MY SUNSET TONIGHT FROM OUR BOAT ON THE LAKE, OUR ANGELS HAD ART CLASS...

[ericasmom]

Hey, here is a photo of the fountain at Millennium Park, downtown Chicago. It is a wonderful wading walkway with twin photo towers at the ends which waterfall water, but every 12 minutes, a photo comes up and it looks as though the person is spitting, and a cannon of water comes out. It was a hot Saturday when I was there last weekend, just watching all the kids playing.

[ericasmom]

So another Chicago shot from the same day. What a fine day in the city.

[ericasmom]

Further north than the other photos, this is a harbor in Chicago where I walked a few weeks ago. It was a gorgeous day with some moisture in the air and just a happy mood all around. You can see the downtown area in the horizon.

Speaking of horizon, boy two great sunsets from Kath and Lor. Beautiful. Sus, maybe you are not elated because for many of us, when the fight part is over, court fights, custody, what have you, we feel like we are done fighting for our Child. What will we do now? I know that it was very hard on Michael, (my Kid's Daddy) when our case in court ended. It was his last tangible and active thing he could do for Eri. But you guys now have kids to raise, and that is a blessing and a burden. Both, because Kids are hard to raise. Because you are not the age you were when you raised your family. Because these are kids that you love dearly though will meet some deep challenges as they grow up due to the way they were treated in their early life. So I think you can sit back and know that most of us would also feel a bit lackluster for a bit.

[Guest]

You guys are the best.  Thank you! 

Love the photos!

Wishing you all a blessed day!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lostwoher]

 Good morning All!

Susannah, you are doing a terrific job at being the best gma/mom/provider for those beautiful children. No need to question yourself. Bless you and everyone who have stepped up to the plate. Im proud of what you all are doing and yes even a bit jealous.

Look at all those pictures being posted. Life goes on no matter what  troubles we endure.

Kathy, I am able to talk to others about Kayla and smile at the same time. Its when Im alone with my thoughts that I have difficulty. Not a day goes by that I dont have at least one tear and its been 22 months ( sigh ) I have been getting alot of compliments on my tat from customers but once they find out what it stands for they leave quickly. I would probably do the same thing if I hadnt been in this situation myself. I find myself asking others about their tattoos too because well because I know ...

Oh no, disc problems in the neck? How horrid! I had that same problem but in my lower back. It is so dibilitating. The pain would be so intense that I came close to passing out at times. Having an allergy to codeine so I couldnt take anything strong to help with the pain. I did 3 weeks of physical therapy with short term relief ( maybe a couple of hours) Finally made an appt to see a neuro surgeon and had surgery the next day! He was very upset that I put it off for so long. Suffered for about 4 months before going. It was the best thing I have done for myself. I kissed him after I woke up and wasnt in any pain what so ever. The nurse insisted I get a hypo but I was so much better and really didnt need it. The relief was so welcomed. Unfortunately, exactly 1 year later it happened again except one disc lower. I know all the exercises so I just deal with it on my own. Lucky for me its nothing like the first time. Some days are better than others but some days can be unbearable. I wish your daughter well and is able to have a speedy recovery.

Wow, not sure where all of this just came from but I have rambled this morning. Guess I am in the mood to talk lol. Really need to get some laundry done before my shift this afternoon. With all the rain we have had I havent been in the mood to do anything. Yep, call me lazy. Did I read that there is something to use to clean rugs?

Have a great day Indigos!

Lynn aka Kayla & Travis's mom

[ericasmom]

Lynn, love when you are in a chatty mood. I know how you feel when you smile and talk about your Girl. Me too, but I cry when I am alone or when I just get caught up, some days able to just talk like telling a story, other days, the words get stuck all of a sudden adn I am crying. I am allergic to codeine too, anything with it in it, so after many surgeries having been given demerol, and throwing up violently for hours after surgery, it was finally figured out. Makes getting rid of pain difficult, I know. I took a vicodin once, for tooth issue, and 30 minutes later was hallucinating and crying and throwing up, horrid.

Well Lynn, the rains are here again, though missed us mostly yesterday. Big storms coming and I am going to tutor in a few minutes, so peaceful day to All.

dee

[shorty16]

Indigos

WOW did it lightning, thunder and rain by us.----How are you doing Dee?  Hear anything by you?

The lightning was like a strobe-light.  Lite up the whole room.

We lost power at about 4am and as of 7am, still had nothing.

I love storms that do not hurt anyone.  This one was a doozie!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Sussanah,

I agree, you are doing a great job, considering it has not even been a year since you beautiful girl became an angel.

Taking care of those kids and your own kids - SUPER-WOMEN in my book.

I really hope other newbies see how you are doing and know (with hard work) happiness can come again (however fleeting).

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever