Loss of an Adult Child

[westleysmom]

Thanks.  I'm sorry for your loss as well and find it hard to keep up with who I'm talking to.  My son was unattached and didn't have any children, he was so young.  So it feels like there is nothing left of him and in a short time, it will be as if he never was here.  Except for the gaping hole in my heart and my family.  There were so many people at the visitation and the service though, so many young people who had never experienced death at all.  I still can't believe that I'll never hear his music thumping in the car as he comes down the drive or see him come in the door.  The everyday things that you take for granted will always be there and will always happen because your children don't die before you.  If he wasn't still living at my house when he died, it might be easier, but I don't know, there's no way to know.  Its as hard as it is, and it seems like it gets harder every day.  Maybe after a point, it'll start getting easier, but the longer he's gone, the more I realize that not only is he gone, he's gone FOREVER.  At least in this life.  I believe in God and he did too, so we'll be together again someday, but it seems like it is so long.  I feel like I failed because I couldn't stop this from happening.  But I don't think that about other parents.  Just me.  I don't even think that my husband should have kept it from happening, I don't hold him responsible.  Just myself, because I was his Mama.  And I loved him most.  I know its crazy, I'm not God.  But I still feel that way. 

[daniellemom]

Susannah – What a great gift you have. 

 Lorri – Your Kourtney is something else and you better listen to her!

Wesley’s Mom – I’m so sorry for the loss of your wonderful son.  My daughter Danielle passed away Oct 11, 2007 just 11 days after her 21 birthday.  She was my oldest of 3 children.  I can relate to grocery shopping.  I could not do it without having to leave the grocery store from crying.  We ate out a lot, then one night I guess I was ordering take out without thinking, and ordered Danielle’s food.  I cried all the way home and thought how could I do that?  Things get softer after time.  You can come here and talk about Wesley and we will listen to you.  This site I think saved my life there are no better people in the world than the women and men who listen to you and cry with you.  How is your daughter doing?  Danielle and her brother James were a pair everything was Danielle and James I looking back I think everyone looked to James to be the strong one to take care of me and his Daddy during the beginning.  I finally told James, we will do this together don’t be strong for me because then I have to be strong for you, let’s do this together and talk about Danielle and remember the good/bad and the ugly.  That helped us a lot to open up and really say what we thought about how life was new now. 

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

[westleysmom]

My daughter is married and has a young daughter.  I think she's doing okay, but I don't talk to her about her brother much yet because I start crying and I feel like I upset her.  My granddaughter (just turned 2) remembers Westley, but I know in time she'll forget him.  When I start crying, she asks me if I'm sad and does something (anything) and says that will make me "feel better".  And I guess it does, knowing they are still here and need me and care if I'm sad. All that to say, I don't know how she's doing really, but I think she's handling it.  I feel like I let everyone down, since its Mama's job to keep everyone safe and happy.  I can't talk to my mother about him either.  He was her youngest grandchild and he would go to her house a lot and help around the house since my Daddy died in 2006.  So she's heartbroken, too and I can't comfort myself, let alone anybody else.  My friends at work all had children about the same age, and I find myself unable to talk when they start talking about their kids.  They are sympathetic, but have no idea what to say or do now that the initial shock is wearing off.  I just feel so isolated from everyone else's happy lives. I think some of the really bad days I've been having lately also come from when Daddy was sick in the summer of 2006.  He didn't recognize us and Father's Day that year was really hard since he kept looking for my Mama, who was right there.  He died in July and all of the years since then have been really hard during the time from about Mother's day (when he quit knowing entirely who we were) and July 16 when he died.  When my son died, it seemed that was all the grief I could handle, but I guess it hasn't been long enough to get over Daddy, and it all piles up in your heart, what's left of it.  I'm the most depressing poster I've seen on this board.  You may decide to kick me out.     

[daniellemom]

Wesley’s Mom – We would never kick you out.  We have all been where you are today, I promise it will get softer.  My Mom is also heartbroken and it’s because she is my Mama and is grieving not only her granddaughter but the daughter she had.  Just like you and I, we think we should have been able to stop something that was out of our control.  Now our Mama’s think they should fix us.  It’s not going to happen but they try.  I wish I could say something to make this all better.  What helps me is I still talk about Danielle everyday to someone, if they don’t like it, they can leave.  She was and always will be my wonderful daughter, just like Wesley will always be your wonderful son.

 Sonya

[Guest]

Westley's mom - what a good looking boy!  It will never be as if he didn't exist.  That's impossible.  One: he definitely did exist.  Two:  He still does exist.  Knowing that, however, doesn't make this grief journey any easier.  Anyway, it didn't for me.  I'm glad you're here to allow us to help you...and, in turn, you help us!

Carol - until today I did not know what the rs stood for on you name.  Mike's mommers is what I thought it meant.  Silly me.

Sonya - so good to see Danielle's face.  She is so pretty!

"It's so fun being me!"  I said to my daughter-in-law this afternoon.  It's been a long time since I've had THAT thought.  I am a redneck.  I like it about myself.  I like my tatoo's and my "getter done" attitude.  She was laughing as she watched me air up the fourwheeler tire with a bike bump.  It worked.  But, the battery was dead so it wouldn't start.  Darn! 

I bought a pool for the kids and wanted to have it up and running before Gary got home.  I had some things to move out of the way, though.  Fortunately my son showed up and moved the trailer by hand.  I'm not as tough as I thought.  I couldn't lift it.  (shrug)

The kids are very excited about getting a pool.  But, I'm hot, sunburned and tired, so it is now quiet time and we'll wait for Grandpa. 

The cutest little pitbull puppy came visiting, creating quite a stir in our dogs.  I was able to find her home and return her. 

I guess I'm telling y'all this because I can feel the old me rising up again.  And, I can feel Stephanie's laughter as I do.  And, instead of that making me sad, it makes me smile.  I guess it does get softer.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[westleysmom]

Thanks.  Is that Danielle's picture in your posts?  I'm not sure I can find a picture of Westley to use.  It is still so hard to look through pictures and things because they just break my heart.  She's lovely.  I'm sure you miss her everyday still.  I hope I can get to where I can help anybody feel better, but I'm just not there yet. I try to be strong, but I feel so broken.  I know you know what I mean.  Thank you again for your kind words. 

[mikesmomrs]

Westleysmom:  I don't know how many of us have said those words "I hope I can help someone one day," and some have added, "though I can't see that now."  Well, we post, and we read, and we post and we are comforted, and one day, without even realizing it, there are a few words in our post directed at someone, whether they are here a long time or are new, and it hits us..."I've just helped someone."  And we remember it, and it brings a smile to our hearts, however bittersweet it might be. 

Sus:  When I signed on, there were so many Mikesmom, that I had to come up with something else, and my first thought was Red Sox, but that was too long, so I just put rs and the rest is history...liely many here haven't known what that means til now. 

I was going to post about something that happened yesterday, but didn't have time.  Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I sat down and wrote about it.  I would like to share that writing...of course, as usual with me, it's NOT brief:

I woke up Thursday morning having fallen asleep in my chair, from a deep, dream-filled sleep, still a little foggy, fuzzy.  I lay there for a few moments to clear my head…new thoughts entered…I started thinking about Mike and that we haven’t “seen” much of him lately, and then thoughts of how I have heard that eventually our angels must leave the “plane” they are on and move on to the next thing, whatever/wherever  that might be.  I wondered, as I have before, if Mike has done that.  I started to worry, of course, and chastise myself that if he has, it is his right to do that…to obtain the ultimate, eternal life that we all hope for.  Thoughts rambled through my head for a bit, and I finally scolded myself for wandering down a road that often leads to troublesome thoughts for me…the road of what ifs, whys, and how can I do this…and then I finally try to shake off all this thinking by actually getting up…getting started with the day, etc.    I wanted to water our tomato plants before it got any hotter, and I usually go out front (yes, in my pj’s---remember, I’m old…no one cares)… and get the watering can, as the plants are around back, away from the hose.  This time, though, strangely, I went out the back door, and as I went to open the door, I stood there for a moment.  This was in front of me…Dare I think “Good morning, mom, yes, I’m still here.  It’s okay.”

I grab my camera and take this pic of my “gift” and email it to Cathi, to share.  She is at work and shortly after my message to her, I get one from her, with this:  “Back at ya,” she says, receiving this gift herself when she opens a bag of chips for a quick snack:

 

I move into the living room, where hubby is sitting.  I am standing there, talking about my feelings when I woke up, the heart in the back yard, Cathi’s “chip heart” and as I am standing there, my eyes wander to the street out front…it had rained very briefly, and this rain heart was on the street out front…I had my cell phone in my hand so I took the pic with that, looking through the window, which is why the bright flash that, coincidentally, resembles another heart:

 

I call Cathi and tell her about this as well, and that I will send it to her, and when I mention something about "ever since Mike passed," she stops me and says, “Mom, I don’t know if I’ve ever liked the word “passed,” and I know a lot of people use it because they don’t want to use the other horrid word, but to me it indicates that he has indeed passed, and we won’t see these signs any longer and I don’t know if I could stand that” then she breaks down and cries...we cry together.  We speak a little more about this, and my heart aches that she has to feel this pain, and yet at the same time it sends up a silent prayer of thanks to God for this wonderful creature who truly “gets it,” who truly understands my need to share these types of things, and is willing to share her own deep feelings and needs about it, as well.

Having  taken this pic of the “street heart” with my cell phone,  it was difficult to see the heart from such a small pic, so I sent it to our computer so I can bring it in closer.  This done, I realize I forget how to send a pic from the computer to her cell (by this time she has left work for lunch).  I look it up on the computer, by typing in “how to send a picture message from a computer to a Verizon phone."   The first how-to blog comes up where the same question had been asked, and the very first person that had answered with the instructions?   Someone named “MYKEL.” Tears finally overtook this emotional morning filled with hearts. 

Just wanted to share...lengthy, I know, but full of wonderment, for me.  

Leaving now for the ballgame with Cathi...have a good evening everyone...we are getting a "Vanilla Bean Coollata" in Mike's honor from Dunkin Donuts, his favorite drink of all time...he must have had 20 of them that last week...everyone and his brother brought one to him when they visited...took me almost two years before I could drink one...Cathi and I shared the honor.  

love and peace,  carol Mikesmomrs 

 

[ericasmom]

Okay, big storm coming but had to tell you that while reading so many posts, and will get to introducing myself WEsley's Mum, but must tell Carol that I have tears and whatnot running down my face at the photos of the hearts, tears adn a sound escaped my throat, and then when trying to look at them again as I scrolled down, the screen went black and two thumps like THUMP THUMP happened, like two heart beats, adn then the screen came up. WOW! How lovely, our angels are so lovely. Thanks all you wondrous beings.

I think we are under a tornado alert, so going to turn off and head to the basement, loving you all,

dee

[westleysmom]

So Mike's and Stephanie's and Kourtney's and all the other parents, thank you so much for listening a little bit.  I know my family and friends think I'm DEPRESSED and need a THERAPIST.  They don't seem to understand that I'm SAD and I need a FRIEND.  It's only been five months and he was here for almost 21 years of my 48, 22 if you count pregnancy, (and I do) and took a big chunk of my heart when he left this life.  I guess they have their own grief, I don't doubt that, but I can't help them yet with that.  I wish this hadn't happened to any of us.  Maybe someday we'll be able to make sense of it all. 

[shorty16]

Westley's Mom

The picture of Westley is AWESOME!!  I love putting an angel-face to an angel-name.

All our angels are beautiful.  New York fan - Huh???

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Dee

Storms here in SE Wisconsin also.  Raining some, but WINDY, WINDY.

Scott and I have no energy tonite, just staying home and watching movies

Colleen

[rlolheiser]

Hello to all my friends, I didn't get online yesterday as the air was filled with storms and lightning.  I get to afraid to try going online, sometimes my luck isn't what it should be :-)

Lorri, I wanted you to know I was thinking and am thinking of Kourtney and your family.. I am sure that special angel is with you through all your sadness, I am sure you make her happy with all you do.

Dee, thank you for the hugs..  :-) I don't get a lot of them these days.  You are amazing with how busy you stay.  I would love to be active, though I have a little more ambition than I used to have.  I want to go for a walk around the farm, but mom gets upset and looks for me, so I try to keep close to the house.

Carol, thanks... I just hope I can keep this off.. and strength..  I need it.. these past few days have been a struggle...  I want to pig out :-).. wow.. reading about Davis..  I am so happy for him and for your family.  I love your heart pictures.

Susannah, it is an amazing gift you have.  I imagine it is hard for you at times, you deal with so much emotion as it is, keeping those beautiful babies happy and your husband.. and finding time for you.  Always though you have kind words for everyone, I would say your gift is also just caring about everybody.

Betty, it is good to see you and Stephen..  you are missed and I think of you lots, I hope you are well.

Westleysmom, Lost is what we are all from time to time.  I am sorry to hear of your loss of your handsome young man.  I Love to read about our angels, I never tire of it.  I lost my grandaughter almost 4 years ago and I still have a rollercoaster of emotions.  I agree with Sonya..... I feel I lost my little granddaughter..and my daughter that was.. the people here have helped me.. and I hope I might have helped somebody.  Talk about Westley often .. I am sure we all want to hear about him, it will never be as he never was..  he was and is your son, nothing will change that.

I got a big day tomorrow, I have to take my little guy to the carnival..  I hope I can last. My husband is supposed to stay with mom, I think it will be a good break for us.  I wish the hubby could come too.

Thoughts and prayers to all

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

 

Sherry, thank you

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang, storms are rocking through again, the floor just shook with the thunder adn the lightening had just shown so the storm is over us. The last storm was very strong adn knocked out cable for several hours, so if I suddenly stop writing, it probably means it is out again. A huge, I am talking HUGE tree went down two blocks up the street during the first big wind. It was pulled out of the ground, probably a 100 year old elm. It pulled the sidewalks up around it which means it was the wind, not lightning. It was a solid old girl too, not a hollow spot on her. She blocked the whole street but nobody came to take her away as there were so many treees down all around us. We have a very sick and weakened tree out front, a maple, but she is still up. OUr magnolia which probably is 40-50 years old is suffering an ugly disease called cotton scale, so we had a tree company out to spray her. We try not to use insecticides much, but the extent of the disease on this beloved tree was reason to call. So two sick trees out front, hopefully still standing tomorrow.

Westly's Mom, I so wish you did not need a place such as this, but since you do, I am glad that you have found us. You are posting a good deal and I find that a great way to really get to know folks, though don't expect to know our names and our children for a while. It will come to you as you move along this path. When I first came, there were not avatars, so we simply had to get to know each other by our names and our stories. The photos do help.

THe photo of your Son, the handsome Westley, is such a good one. As Carol stated, his sense of humor is right there. He is so cute, I'll bet he made kids laugh a lot in class, and I know that his friends will miss him. I hope that you can stay in contact with his Buddies... that for me, has been such a wonderful connection. While it sometimes aches to see the friends grow up and do the things that they all discussed as they made their way to adulthood, wanting so badly to have had our Children reach those milestones too, it is still a joy to me to hear their stories, their accomplishments and their hard times too.

My Daughter Erica Eileen Reith, was killed in July of 2003. She and I had just hung up the phone as I took a walk, she lived in Kalamazoo, Michigan with my Son, Jon. I live just outside Chicago, where my kids also grew up. They lived in a house that they rented with a few other friends as they worked and kind of took classes. I teach, but niether of my kids like school much. Anyhow, Eri and I had spoken, she had surprised visited me the Sunday before bringing two of her Michigan friends to meet me, and we hung out and I took a few photos of she and her friends in our garden. I only had three shots left on my roll of 36. About a half hour after I returned from my walk I was enjoying a glass of red wine with my husband and telling him about my call with Eri when the phone rang. My husband handed the ringing phone to me, and while I did not know that the woman on the other end was the chaplain, she did tell me that she was calling from Bronson Truama Hospital in Kalamazoo, and that my Daughter Erica, had been in an accident and that I needed to get there. She did not tell me the details, in part because I said that she was wrong, that I had just spoken to Eri, I threw the phone to my husband, knowing that he would get the directions while i ran upstairs to pack a quick bag and call Michael, the father of my kids. My husband and I drove the 3 hour trip, it was raining so we had to go a bit slower, not knowing that Eri's car was hit by a train at a broken crossing, broken for 11 months reported on paper by AMTRAK, but only reported to the township once out of those 11 months. The light was between two college campuses, it had been erected by the township and was widely used as it crossed an access road to the fast food places. Eri was leaving a place called JIMMYJOHNS, and her car was struck. She died 6 days later.

Westley's Mom, you can tell and retell your story as often as it feels like the thing you need and want to do. I am seven years almost, on this road, and I obviously, still tell the story of Eri's leaving. I do talk about my Daughter each day, and if others do not like it, if it makes them feel blue, too bad for them, because it makes my heart dance. It is true that others expect or just hope to God, that we will get over it, be able to be who we were before our Child died, but that would be like saying that once our children are toddlers, we can go back to being who we were before they were born. Ridiculous! So when folks ask, " are you able to move on yet?" YOu could say, I am moving forward thanks, but moving on is not my goal. Moving through is what I will do on a day to day basis, and one day I will have found my heart somewhat recognizable again through the hard work of grieving, it will have changed its shape of course, as it did when you became the parent of that Child. One day, a long while from now, you will feel pretty comfortable in your own skin again. You are already doing the work to get there.

 Let yourself grieve, try to drink extra water as you will dehydrate more readily if you are dropping a lot of tears. Try to eat a well balanced diet and stay with us.

To all, stay safe in the storms, wallow in the sunlight, and have a beauty of a day tomorrow.

Leah, I hope that the carnival is a fabulous time for you and the LITTLE GUY.

love,

dee

[Guest]

Westley's mom - I joined this site at about the 4 month mark after Stephanie died.  I was barely functioning.  I couldn't eat or sleep.  I seemed to operated at either hysterical sobs or zombie, mechanical type existence.  At that time, I also went to the doctor to get something to help me sleep.  When he's done with his exam, he says, "You're depressed."

Me:  "No, I'm not depressed.  I'm grieving."

Him:  "That's why you're depressed."

Me:  "Are you sure?  I don't think I'm depressed."

Him:  "I know you're depressed.  Your daughter just died.  Of course you're depressed."

Who knew?

So.....I get some pills to help me sleep and some pills to help with the depression.  The pills to help me sleep didn't help me sleep.  I flushed them.  However, the happy pills DID help me sleep.  They're new on the happy pill market, but I like them.  They didn't make me feel drugged or fuzzy.  In fact, they didn't make me "happy".  They didn't make me not care.  What they did do was help balance out a chemical that had become unbalanced with the weight of my grief.  They helped me grieve and feel the depth of my despair without being buried by the sheer power of it all.  I've only taken them for six months and am now in the process of being weaned off them. 

Maybe you're depressed.  Grief will do that to a person.  Just my experience.  Others on this site have been able to walk through/still walk through grief by taking better care of their health.  I'm just too lazy and have too many bad habits that I enjoy.  Healthy is best, of course.

Dee - I hope you are safe from the storms!!!  There is an analogy or teaching story in the strong elm (?) being yanked root and all and thrown in the middle of the street and the older tree still standing in your yard.  I've already said how much I love trees.  The sheer energy of them!

Carol - Thank you so much for sharing your heart/love/message from Mike experience!  Literally took my breath.  I didn't see the heart in the road until I read about it.  I was busy looking at the light shining out from the trees.  That looks like a heart, too.  Doesn't it?  I also love what Cathi said about passing.  When I say the word "passed" I mean passed from physical to non-physical. 

Stephanie took a lot of geographical cures while here in the flesh.  And, she always called, crying, wanting to come back home.  After she died, I wrote her a letter, mad at her, telling her she took the ultimate geographical cure this time!  I can't bring you back this time! 

I felt her giggle as she whispered, "I didn't mean to take this trip, Mom." 

The last time I posted I had just sat down to rest for a bit.  I went back outside and was working very hard...digging, raking, hoeing (is that a word?) to prepare the ground for the new pool.  Right then the attorney's office called and needed our signatures to file the adoption papers.  I went to the attorneys office dressed as I was...filthy.  Then, I hurried home, changed into nice clothes and went to our annual June Jamboree celebration for mal-adjusted people (AA) down the street.  It was a packed room.  Lots of friends we only get to see during these special gatherings.  I was called up to speak....as I was walking to the podium, it occurred to me that through all of this, today, I forgot to wash my face and there was still dirt under my fingernails!!  I was covered in dirt!  So, I had on a flowing, silk pant suit and I was filthy.  The speaker before me had just said to keep working the steps even if your ass falls off......I announced that my ass had not fallen off, it had just fallen down.  I then apologized for my appearance.

You know what?  Nobody cared!  LOL

Oh....most importantly.......the papers for the adoption are now signed and ready to go to the judge.  I was so upset that it has taken so long and I resented the state for dropping the ball.  Our attorney got right on it as soon as she knew the state couldn't do what they thought they could do.  It didn't occurr to Gary or me until tonight that if the adoption would have been finalized when the judge ordered it, their dad would be getting unsupervised visits by now.  As it turns out, we found out just last week he has violated many of the visitation requirements and will never get to have them unsupervised.  Because of the holdup in time, the state still has the power to do that....had things gone the way I thought they should, heaven only knows what would have happened.  Sometimes what seems like the wrong thing is actually the right thing.

I'm tired and I'm rambling and I'm not making much sense, so I'll say goodnight.

Much love,  Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[Guest]

Umm...I think the word is "imbalanced"  not "unbalanced"

I talk good english.   

Way too much coffee intake....

[lostwoher]

 Brian BrIAn BRIAN ( BRAIN )

 Thinking of you and your family today <<<HUGS>>>

Lynn aka Kayla's mom

[Guest]

BRIAN - Remembering the hardest day your family (your mother) has ever had to walk through.  She still walks that day.....Please send her a sign.  Please comfort her and give her strength to make it through this difficult day.

Holding you close in thought and heart, Colleen!

Much love, Susannah

[shorty16]

Brian, my sweet boy.  How my life is so different without you in it!!!

I am Thinking of my sweet boy today and thanks to other s who have.

2nd angelversary Brian

Your Mom

[mikesmomrs]

Brian, Brian, Brian, and yes, of course..."Brain"...your name will never not be spoken out loud, and will always be carried with her wherever she goes, a never-ending whisper in a heart so broken that only seeing you again one day in eternity will heal it...please brush your mother's cheek with your spirit today, let her know that you are still with her, and always will be...

Colleen---please know that you are in my thoughts and held close in my heart, as you travel through this day...I wish you the peace of only memories of the joy you shared with your "...beautiful, beautiful boy."

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[hotrod]

                             

                      BRIAN, BRIAN, BRIAN

                 COME CLOSE TO MOM AND YOUR FAMILY           TODAY  AND LET THEM FEEL THAT

                 YOU ARE ALWAY A HEARTBEAT AWAY

 

BETTY STEPHEN'SMOM:)

[lolynbo]

BRIAN BRAIN BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN.......THINKING AND PRAYING FOR YOUR FAMILY TODAY...AND EVERYDAY......YOUR HANGING OUT WITH THE COOLEST OF THE COOL NOW....HOLD AND CUDDLE YOUR FAMILIES HEARTS AND HANDS TODAY...

BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN...

WELL BROOKE AND I WALKED 4 HOURS AT RELAY FOR LIFE LAST NIGHT EVERYONE LOVED MY SHIRT..(CANCER CAN KISS MY ASSSS).....IT WAS SO HOT, I THOUGHT I DRANK ENOUGH WATER BUT I GUESS I SWEATED MOST OF IT OUT GOT A BAD CRAMP ABOUT 11 AND WE HAD TO LEAVE...BUT IT WAS A VERY NICE EVENING  AND VERY MEMORABLE...

SAW CRAZY ASS AMANDA THERE...I DIDNT SPEAK TO HER ....SHE IS SOOOOO CRAZY WEIRD....YAL REMEMEBER HER RIGHT??????

[Guest]

Hi Everyone,

My Amanda called me yesterday so angry she was spitting nails!  She said the doctor in Concord practically called her a liar about all her health problems..claiming she would be dead if she didn't have any large intestines...and just saying "if you say so" about the rest.  THEN the doctor read her medical records and just said, "oh, I guess you don't have any large intestines and you have extra kidneys".  She has referred Amanda to a doctor in Lebanan (or somehwere like that). 

I just laughed and told Amanda our whole family story is pretty unbelievable and that hers alone is unbelievable.  I told her when the doctor said she shouldn't be alive, she could have said, "we know."

I told her not to worry, when they take their own xrays and do their own tests, they will know for themselves.

 

[lolynbo]

WOKE UP FEELIN AS IF I DREMPT (SP) OF KOURTNEY...BUT DONT REMEMBER ANY...TRYIN NOT TO HARD TO TRY TO HARD...

[mikesmomrs]

Sus:  I am so sorry that Amanda ran into that "doctor."  One thing we learned a LOT from through Mike's illness (and likely, with all that Amanda has gone through, your family learned a lot also---and good for her for sticking up for herself!), is that you have to sometimes be aggressive with doctors and know exactly what you are talking about...had we not stepped in when we did, we never would have had Mike for that extra 17 months. 

I am glad to hear that Amanda is going to Lebanon...that is where the Dartmouth Hitchcock Hospital is, where Ralph is likely going to have his surgery.  It is a teaching center, heavy into research and learning, and an amazing medical staff.  A little formidable on first visit (huge, huge complex), but very well staffed and assistance is not usually very far away if you need help for something like "where am I going?"

I wish her the best...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

 

[ericasmom]

BRIAN

  BRIAN

    BRIAN

Saying your name and it makes me smile because that is the kind of Guy you are Bri, the kind of young man that makes others smile.

Please flutter into Your Momma's yard today, let her feel Your presence  and let her know how proud You are of all Your Family for the hard work at learning to live in Your light.

Col I am holding you close, thought of you as I wandered Millenium Park this afternoon,(no cable until just a few minutes ago) thinking of the blue skies that you are under and knowing that Blueskies means Heaven. May this day of Heaven find you knowing of HIS PEACE.

[daveydow1]

    GOD BLESS YOU, DEAR BRIAN, ON YOUR ANGEL DAY.

   Colleen---Sending thoughts & prayers to you & your family on this

    day.  Peace & comfort be yours.

Westleysmom----I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear son, Westley.

He is such a handsome young guy. We,  at BI, are always with you, and

there is nowhere else that you could find more empathy and understanding.

My son, Dave, age 31, single, was killed 7 yrs. ago when a semi with a sleeping

driver flattened his car which was in a line of stopped traffic. This site has been a

 lifeline for me and many others who come here. I do wish I could say something that

would lessen your pain........just know that the BI family is here for you.  Also, just

try to remember that your Westley is near.  Heaven has no time, no distance,

and no boundaries.  Peace be with you, friend.

Carol---thanks for the amazing heart pics. Oh, how is Davis doing?...better, I hope.

 Susannah-------- Oh, I don't blame Amanda for being

so angry with the doctor.  If I know anything about Drs.  (having been a nurse),

it's that the patient has to be his own advocate, and speak up. Sometimes Drs.

get the  feeling that they are all-powerful and infallible. There a many good DRs.

of course, but everyone seems to run into one of those  'big head' types who will

put the patient down, if they can get away with it.  I hope & pray that Amanda

can get the treatment she needs.  

Lorri----I know just what you mean about having a dream about your child, but

can't recall what it was about. I do that too. It seems that the dream is so

maddenly close to your recall, but that try as you may......you can't remember it.

Kourtney must have been so close to you as you slept. I'm sorry you have had

such a rough time of it. Peace to you, my friend.

Dee----Storms are all around us too, (We usually pay close attention to the

weather in Chicago) ---that's because it seems to move in our direction later.

I'm thinking about you as ERi's ANGEL DAY approaches. Peace & comfort.

HI Betty----Glad to see Stephen's sweet smile.            

       Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[daveydow1]

Carol---I know what you mean.....I have had to give myself a good

'talking to' lately. It seemed like I was being too negative, and looking on

the 'dark side' of everything........crying, crying, and just ending up in a

puddle of gloom. That road you mentioned.....the 'what ifs', and 'if only' etc.

can really get a hold on a person, can't it?   Thanks for the reminder.

     Sherry   

[mysonrich]

Brian.....Brian..........Brian..........Brain.

 

Thoughts and Prayers today and everyday of you and your family.(((Colleen)))))

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[mikesmum]

[user=53239]westleysmom[/user] - What a handsome young man.  The sense of life and humour show in his face.  I'm guessing the baseball cap wasn't part of the graduation 'cap and gown'.

Losing our children it seems like our world collided with something the tore it apart and we are now 'adrift' in a parrellel universe.  Here we can talk about our kids.  Our hopes our dreams, our good days and our bad.  Here everyone 'gets it' without having it explained.

It's been 3 1/2 yrs since I lost my son Micheal.  I found this site in the middle of a long night in the April 07, looking for the magical answers that would reverse this nightmare.  While the answers are lost to me, the journey is not one I travel alone.  I also gain great comfort thinking of Mike with his new 'friends'.

Pls come often, post when you can and share your son with us.  I learnt Micheal was more than that one day that altered my existence, he was a child that taught me so much each day he was with me..

Trudi

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang,

just saying goodnight, hoping everyone sleeps deeply and with some good dreams.

Marcia, thinking of you and hoping you are well. HOw is your ankle? Is it all healed?

Bonnie, my thoughts with you as you face Fathers Day, hoping that your Dad lets his presence be felt.

Sleep tight,

dee

[lostwoher]

 HaPPy FaTHerS DaY to ALL you DADS, Fathers, Popps, Grandfathers, Gramps... Know you are loved today and every day.

Lynn     David, enjoy your fathers day in heaven with our daughter.

[ericasmom]

Lynn, what a lovely tribute to your Childrens Daddy. I hope that you feel the warmth of his love today as well.

I hope that Michael too, will share the day with his beloved Daughter Erica. I know that here on Earth, I miss his being three blocks away, I miss his friendship, and I miss his fathering our Son, Jon.

Smile on your Boy Michael, giving him the reminder that your love and Eri's love is forever.

Dan and Greg and All the Dads that have visited this place, understand how dear you are to your Children, that you are forever their Dads, their Poppas, and HAPPY FATHERS DAY.

[Guest]

Happy Father's Day, Greg and Dan........Monty, Ralph and all other fathers whose names I don't know or can't remember.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[4everjoeysmom]

Slightly tardy to post, but thoughts of Brian and you Colleen...

And a shout out to all the Dads here! Being a dad is one of the richest experiences in life..no matter for how long or short on Earth. Once a dad, always a dad...

Happy Father's Day!

[shorty16]

Happy Father's Day to Greg and Dan and all the other Dad's. 

As far as I am concerned--There is only one other person in the world that knows what I really lost--my husband Scott.

Father's perspective on this site has, and continues to be priceless.

2nd - Thanks to everyone who remembered my Angel Brian yesterday.  Scott's mom (Anne), my sister (Chris), Lukas (her son), Jake and our fam spent the day together.

We went to the Milwaukee Lake Front Arts Festival.  It was spectacular.

Thanks, my friends

Colleen

[lolynbo]

THINKING OF ALL YAL THAT HAVE LOST DADS. (AS WELL AS MYSELF) AND ALL YOU THAT HAVE LOST SONS THAT ARE DADS, AND ALL YAL THAT LOST SONS THAT NEVER GOT TO BE DADS...THINKING OF EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU...

THIS IS WHAT I HAD PUT IN THE PAPER FOR KOURTNEY FOR  HER ANGELDATE..RAN LATE IN THE SUNDAY PAPER...

[ericasmom]

Very pretty Lorri, very pretty.

Col, so glad that you were with those close to your heart adn that you spent the day doing something lovely, a day to be gathered with loved ones.

Claudia, good to see you here.

Sonya, you made such a great statement when describing yours and James' conversation after Danielle died...that you told him let's do this together, rather than taking turns being the one that holds it together. I loved that you and he were able to share such a talk. You are very wise.

DEE

[summergirl]

Oh my goodness...so much to catch up on since Friday....it might take me some time but I will get there...

Westleysmom - I am so sorry that you have has to find your way here but am so happy that you have found us, the best place ever to find what you need as you travel this journey....your son is a very handsome young man and my heart breaks for you and your family......We lost our only daughter Jessica Feb. 18, 2006 from ARVD, the nightmare began when I opened the door and found 2 cops (friends) standing on the deck and I just knew that my Jessica was gone....she was 26 and left behind a son Tavian who was 4 years old.   I pray that you stay with us....you can say anything you want here......the people here you will come to know as your best friends, your life line, you can rant, rave, scream, cry, get mad, any emotion you are feeling please feel free to talk about it - we are always here.

Dear Sweet Brian - I am sorry I missed your Angelversary......always in out thoughts and hearts........

Lorri - beautiful, just like your Kourntey....love you my friend.

The weekend away at Gin Beach was the best - it was sunny, hot, good friends, a few cold beers, long walks and blazing campfires....I feel so relaxed. I had my usual meltdown as I always do when we go camping.....as soon as we pull onto the beach the tears begin to fall.   Tavian had the best time and is one tired little man. Right now he is back at the beach with a friend so I know when he gets home shortly he will either be very happy and tired or he will be so tired he may go into meltdown mode......

I promise to catch up with all as soon as I can, I feel like I am missing out on so much but that is ok sometimes......sure wish I could use my laptop at Gin Beach !!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL DAD'S OUT THERE.....IT CAN BE A HARD DAY AS SO MANY ARE BUT OUR ANGELS ARE SMILING DOWN ON YOU

Peace, love and strength, Kathy

[summergirl]

LOVE SWIMMING

[mikesmomrs]

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, in Heaven, Mike---I know that you are watching over all of your boys, and I know that you are very proud of all of them.  They love you and miss you so very much....I pray the memories you created while here with them stay with them forever...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

As Lorri said so eloquently and heart-breakingly all at the same time:

"THINKING OF ALL YAL THAT HAVE LOST DADS. (AS WELL AS MYSELF) AND ALL YOU THAT HAVE LOST SONS THAT ARE DADS, AND ALL YAL THAT LOST SONS THAT NEVER GOT TO BE DADS...THINKING OF EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU..."

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY,

love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs

ps:  Lorri, the remembrance of Kourtney in the paper was beautiful.

[daveydow1]

Lorri----Lovely memorial to sweet Kourtney. Thank you for wishing a

good Father's Day to all the sons who never got the chance to be a father.....

that was very thoughtful of you.

Sonya----I agree with Dee, that your words to your son about "doing this

together" was a very wise thing to tell him. I guess sometimes the other

siblings feel like there may be a burden upon them to 'hold  it all together'

for us. I try to get that message across to my other three kids, but I

sometimes wonder if I do it effectively.  Peace to you.

Kathy----Your day at the beach with Tavian and family must have been very

relaxing & peaceful. I know what you mean, though, about the tears, and the

regrets about not having dear Jessica there with you.

Carol--- Thanks for the wishes for Father's Day for those of us whose Dad's

have passed on.....(my Dad died 16 yrs. ago.....still miss him).  Mike's dear

boys will surely carry their Dad in their hearts for all time. Bless them.

   PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO EVERYONE AT BI, AND

 HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO ALL DADS.

                   Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[lolynbo]

I LOVE ALL YAL...I REALLY DO...WHERE WOULD WE REALLY BE WITH OUT THIS PAGE?????...I REALLY DONT KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE...PROBABLY UNDER MY BED......IM SO THANKFUL I HAVE YAL...

LOVE SEEING TAVIAN SO FULL OF FUN, LIFE  AND LOVE...NEVER STOP SENDING PICS OF THE BOY EVER...

I NO TODAY IS AS PAINFUL A REMINDER AS MOTHERSDAY..KOURTNEY WILL NEVER BE A MOMMA...BUT MAYBE SHES HOLDING HER LIL BROTHER/SISTER IN HER ARMS (I HAD MISSCARRAIGE B4 KODY)...AND JUST KNOWING SHES HAPPY WITH THAT...

[ericasmom]

I love you all too, this is like being home, alongside my friends.

This morn there was a black butterfly in the front window near the red salvia, and I was excited, never saw him before, and wondered about him. He danced a bit and then sat on the screen. SO I cooed and talked to him and wrote a tiny poem of him, then went about my business, thinking the whole time that maybe it was a sign from Michael, it being DAD DAY, or from Erz. Either would be lovely adn I felt lucky. Later I got ready to go to the gym, and there he still sat, on the screen. I talked to him and left. When my car was fully out of the driveway and onto the street, the black butterfly fluttered slowly right across my windshield.

HELLO BEAUTY ANGELS!

[briansdad]

Sorry I've been gone a while. I went fishing again.by myself. It's good Brian time for me. And of course he sent me pennies.

Miss ya B

Love DAD

[briansdad]

Alyssa Dobner-Klocke As Father's Day Approaches: Roses grow in Heaven, Lord, pick a bunch for me. Place them in my Daddy's arms and tell him they're from me. Tell him that I love & miss him & when he turns to smile, place a kiss upon his cheek & hold him for awhile. Remembering him is easy, I do it everyday. There's an ache within my heart... that will never go away. Copy/paste if your dad is in Heaven

[Guest]

Dee - Love the black butterfly story.  I'm so glad you were able to notice it and receive the sign from your angels!

Lorri - What a sweet tribute to Kourtney.  You are a special lady, too!  I feel the same way you do about this group.  I honestly believe y'all saved my life. 

Kathy - What a wonderful picture of Tavian!  He's a happy boy.  You're doing such a good job!

The pool is up.  It's just a 12' x 3' pool from Wal Mart.  But, the kids love it!!  Now we are ready to begin prepping the "back yard" for new sod and their new play set.  Gary wants to build a sturdy, jungle gym, swing set, slid and fort type thing.  We put their old swing set in my son's yard for his little ones.  Our kids have outgrown it.  Little Kaylee (2yrs old) was so excited when she saw it in HER yard.  "Tank you, Gama!!"  What a gift.

The doctor that practically called Amanda a liar in NH the other day called her and apologized.  She doesn't have ALL of Amanda's records, yet, but she has received enough to now know Amanda was telling the truth.  Amanda said she was very professional and felt badly for giving Amanda such a bad taste of their medical center.  She told Amanda she had just never heard of anyone having so many internal deformities that lived.  Amanda told her the doctors kept telling her mom (me) that she wouldn't live, so "don't feel bad". 

We really don't have a medical answer for the fact she did survive and she does so well.  I just thank God for it everyday!

About 5 yrs ago she was in a bad car accident in a remote part of Wyoming. ( I know.  ALL of Wyoming is remote )  She rolled her truck five times and didn't have on her seat belt.  Not long after the accident another vehicle just "happened" to drive by.  He said he wasn't sure why he took THAT road THAT day.  Amanda called me from the little town and said she had a "little" accident and she wasn't hurt and they were life flighting her to Salt Lake! 

I said, "Amanda, they don't life flight you if you're not hurt!  Let me talk to your doctor" 

She had severe cut on her leg and the doctor was sure she would lose her leg.  He didn't dare operate on her because of all her other medical problems.

The accident to the hospital to life flight to Salt Lake took all of about 1 hour.  As it turned out, the cut missed all the arteries, tendens and bone.  She has a narley looking scar, but that's it.

I am in awe of her. 

Well.....enough rambling. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmum]

To all in the States, remembering all the 'dads' here and away.   Our fathers day is in September.

Lorri - I read the piece in the paper.  Your baby is with you always.  How goes the countdown to the cruise?  I ask cause I'm shivering in polo fleece in my 'office' as I type. 

Susannah - Grandbabies splashing in the summer heat....music to the heart.

Kathy - That boy is certainly Jess's son.  Summergirl has a summerboy..

Dee - I live  life that springs from your words.  Your garden, your black butterfly...talking to them might just get you a net of your own....but hey we get it.

Carol - hope the wisdom teeth surgeries are healing.  As for the 'pyjamas'....well my neighbours would expect nothing less from me anytime of the day. 

Lynn - Love the picture....Kayla has someone looking after her.

Colleen - You know.....

The past weekend was hectic.  Em made it to finals for areobics.  Started at 8.30am Sat just a 2hr drive from home.  Steven's house warming scheduled for 2pm same day.  Around 10.10am after performing Em informed me that if they came first they would need to stay for the afternoon to compete again......short story long, they came 3rd, I came late to the house warming, but hey.....we made it.

First 'family gathering' where I didn't speak of Micheal or dwell in the fact that no one else did.  I did stand in front of the two pics Steve has of him.  One is the boys on the beach way way back - the other is a framed memorial Steven has of Mikes avatar, his sketch and the book mark from his service....our quiet moment, Mikes and mine.....

Take Care BI family - Trudi

[ericasmom]

Good Morning INdigoes. Trud, give Em a hug. Happy for the house warming party as well. I stood with you near the photos.

I laughed out loud when I read your words, that perhaps I may need a net...love you so. JUst some quotes from a site about symbolism and butterflies;

Butterfly Quotes  "May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun

And find your shoulder to light on,

To bring you luck, happiness and riches

Today, tomorrow and beyond."

~ Irish Blessing

"There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly." ~ Richard Buckminster Fuller

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." ~ Maya Angelou

"I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man." ~ Chuang Tzu