Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  Not much sleep seeping into these bones these days...sometimes when I am up late like that, I will sleep til 9 or so, sometimes not.  Yes, Damon is quite the character...I know that school will be a delight to him, and likely to the teacher who has him in class---just hope she doesn't try to introduce "body parts" too early in the curriculum!

Col:  "...I feel like I am wearing a lead suit."  Let us help you carry it, Col, my friend...sharing that heavy load of heartbreak is what we are all about here, as you know.  My heart goes with you today, as always, and I take your hand as you and your family walk towards this weekend. 

Lorri:  Standing by your side, as well, in spirit...holding you close...sending love to all of you.  The spiritual way your beautiful Kourtney left this earthly plane will comfort you, but the heartbreak just seems to overshadow all of that during these days that bring the heart-wrenching reminders as well.  We are all with you, as well.

I wish everyone some sunshine today, even if it is only a ray sliding into your heart at some peaceful, happy memory of your precious child. 

love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs

[daniellemom]

Hello my BI Family!

 

I seem to not be posting and I can’t really tell why, it’s not that I don’t read almost every day.  I think of you all, so can anyone tell me why I can’t seem to post.  At one time I thought I should be positive posting but that’s not the case.  I only have to pour out my heart and tell about everyday life without my Danielle.  So much has happened.  I tried to quit smoking, lasted all of 31 gained 20+ lbs and now I think I’m smoking more than I was before I quit.  I have started a dance class 3 days a week and my clothes are not feeling so tight.  Mattie and James are doing fine.  Mattie is enjoying her summer break.  We are going to the beach in a couple of weeks.  VBS is next week and I’m teaching the 3-4 year olds, so please say a pray for me.  I asked for the older kids but nobody else wanted the younger class so I took it.  They are a bunch of sweet children; I’m really excited about the class. 

 

Dee - your words always touch my very being.  You are one of the wises people I know. 

 

Kathy – How is BJ?  I know you are so proud of your husband.  Way to go! 

 

Betty – How was your month long trip?  I can’t wait to hear all about your trip.

 

Trudi – the pictures are great with all the orbs, I still don’t have any. 

 

I was talking to a lady at work yesterday and she was telling me about her Grandmother, she is 92 had 5 children and has buried them all.  I can’t even think about that.

 

Carol – You and Ralph are in my thoughts and prayers.  Good luck with the wisdom teeth for your grandson.

 

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom) 

[lolynbo]

THANK YOU GOD FOR MY BI FAMILY THEY HELP ME THRU SO MANY RUFF TIMES...THEY CAN LAUGH WITH ME AND CRY THE NEXT...THANK YOU AND BLESS EACH ONE FATHER...I TRUELY AM BLESSED TO HAVE FOUND ALLLLLLLL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM....

YAL HAVE MADE MY SAD MORNING BETTER....2YRS 7 MO 2 DAYS SINCE IVE HEARD HER VOICE......BUT WITH YAL I WILL MAKE IT SOMEHOW...

I LOVE YOU ALL SO

[Guest]

Sigh.  No words of encouragement or strength right now.  Just "being" with you all.  Quiet understanding.

I disconnected Steph's phone today.  I haven't been able to before now.  It's an odd feeling.  I updated my friends and family list, removing Steph on my contact list.  An even "odder" feeling.  I also had to deliver her death certificate to my attorney because we're in the final stages of the adoption.  It feels like that should have bothered me, but it didn't. 

I'm checking my "denial gauge".  Wondering if I'm building up for another melt down or if I'm slowly floating into acceptance.  I don't believe "dead is dead".  I don't think anyone could convince me differently. 

I know I'll see Stephanie again.  But, the inbetween time is SO long!

I had the weirdest dream last night.  I dreamed I was teaching people about Nelson Mandela and apartheid.  The adults wouldn't listen, so I taught the children.  Odd part is I don't think I've ever even said the word "apartheid" before.  I've heard of it.  Of course I've heard of it.  This morning I looked it up and sure enough I was correct in my dream.  Very odd, indeed!

Wishing I could comfort those of you who are hurting so deeply.  All I can do is continue to be here and love you just like you do for me.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom  (In case you didn't notice, I'm not bothering to check my spelling) 

[daveydow1]

 

Kathy------It was so nice that Jessica's friends planted flowers, and wrote in

her jounal. They must miss her a lot. Dave's buddy emailed me, saying some

nice things, and about how much he misses Dave. They talked on the phone

a lot, and went out to clubs to meet girls etc. It helps ease the pain of missing our

kids when their friends say they also are missing them. Barry's weight loss

is great. ....  Oh, I tried PhotoBucket too, once......couldn't get it to work for

me either. 

Leah---thanks for posting the lovely pic of Jaboa and her mom....so nice.

Carol----thanks for your kind words, friend.  Also.....for the suggestion for Deer Off.

Yikes,,,,it must smell terrible. What a combination. I tried putting veg/flower dust

on the tulips.........the deer just ate that too!  I do hope that Davis is doing ok

after getting the wisdom teeth pulled.

Lorri----You are in my thoughts & prayers, friend.

Dee-----Glad that you are feeling better now, and getting more sleep, and

coughing less.  This type of 'bug' is especially bad when it's nice weather.

I repotted a lavender plant (sm.)  into another pot. I think it might have been

a bit root-bound since it looked a bit stressed. Hope it comes along. Our garage

door cable broke in the nearly 'down' position. Luckily we had one car out. My

car was blocked in for a day. Had that fixed. Also, had a new florescent light

fixture put in the kitchen (old one gave out), and the vacuum sweeper had to

be taken in for a repair. Such is the way it goes. So minor in the larger scheme

of things in life, huh?   Peace to you.

                Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry

  

[rlolheiser]

Hey.. maybe I am in luck and this computer will keep running awhile. :-) Still on the old relic, waiting to get some money ahead to get my good computer fixed.  Afraid it won't be worth anything.

Kathy, Thank you about the weight loss and the picture.  I think it is great about Barry's weight loss.  I think the journal at Jessica's site is beautiful, I know from time to time JaBoa's friends leave little notes under her name plate.

Losing weight has been so hard.  I have tried and tried forever but always have an excuse to break it.  I guess the only way was to finally be afraid of dying.  I could hardly walk, or breathe.  I was embarassed to even go out in public, I would go to bed everynight and cry and wonder how my husband could even want to touch me.  (must be love) :-)  Anyway, by no means would a dr advise what I have done.  I feel healthy, on vitamins.. eat Bran a lot and no sugar or breads.  I just dont eat unless I am hungry, and nothing after 7 pm.  I drink lots of water and I think that helps a lot too.  I would like to lose another 100 lbs and I would be happy (yes.. I was terrible).  I am looking forward to weigh in day again, I feel like I have lost more, (not a lot)..  I wish I would have done this a long time ago.. I want my son to be proud of me and not cringe when I walk into the school.  I want my angel to look down at me and say.. yep.. that's my grandma :-)

Susannah, Thank you.. my picture of JaBoa and her mom is such a precious memory. I thought I had lost the pic, forgot it was in this thing. Hugging you today as you go on with your life.

Dee, Thank you also, that picture was at the first fair they were together.  They were quite the pair :-)..  As for the diet, not sure how to teach fear :-) I swear that was what got me going.  The hard part comes now that I can walk better and breathe again, I have to keep telling myself that I am on this diet for the lifetime :-).  Glad to hear you are feeling better!

Carol, Thanks to you too! I try to get out and walk more, but it is hard with mom, I don't get to far away from her.  I did splurge and buy new shoes.  The shape up shoes.. I feel a lot of difference in my walk, but not sure if they will help like the advertisements... I guess time will tell.  YIKES.. teeth pulling, how I remember :-) good luck to Davis :-) mine are doing much better.

Sonya, It is great your getting to teach the little ones for VBS, I used to do it, and sure miss it :-).  I go in spurts with the posting here, sometimes.. it hurts to post.. or for some reason I don't feel it is important to post.. but I have learned that so many people here keep me going and they don't even know it

Sherry, seems that everything breaks down at the same time there .. hope it is over with now.

Coleen, thinking of you wishing there was a way to make your walk lighter (hugs)

I guess I better shut up for now... love to all my friends..  all our angels..

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

 

[ericasmom]

Leah, I am glad that you are working so hard and that your motivation comes from the very best place, that hope to live a healthy life while making both JaBoa proud of her Grammy and your Son happy to see you walk through the doors at school. To be able to walk without getting winded is a wonderful accomplishment. I wish that I could hug you, so right now, I AM HUGGING YOU!

Hugging everyone here and all that have not been here for some time, hoping there are some peaceful moments embedded in those other times.

[daveydow1]

Leah-----I agree with Dee. You have worked hard, and taking care of

yourself is paying off.  Angel Jaboa is surely looking down and smiling

on her Grammy. Yep....I need a break from things breaking down. As I

said before, they are minor in the larger scheme of things in life. Peace & comfort,

 friend .

     Sherry

[summergirl]

Another late night..had to work after work...then load the camper to take down tomorrow night....yikes, I am feeling my age.

Thank you all for your comments on Jessica's friends...so many still keep in touch with me and I am so thankful for that.  There was a time when I went through anger at all of them for being able to move forward with their lives but they have never left me and with time my anger left and the love remained.      Barry is doing so well and yes we are doing so much more physically (ha ha) then we have in a long time. I tried to post a pic but didn't happen, will try again.

Carol - do you still see Denis???  I understand how he feels as Jessica's best friend ever was Ashley and she had a very hard time leaving my side for a long time....they do suffer so much.

Lorri - hugging you my friend, hugging you.

On my way to work this morning, singing along to the radio and the next thing I know I am crying uncontrollably, screaming for Jessica.....I call Barry to help me through it and he was busy with a client so I just went on to work, tears still falling...I am still blown away by the depth of the pain that over takes me body and soul......

Sonya - as of right now things seemed to have turned around for Bj....he is living in another state with a very nice girl, he is working in a warehouse and is going to school to get his CDL license. He would like to drive semi-truck cross country or he may choose to drive within the state.  I am so proud of him but I go to sleep every night praying and wake up every morning praying. Time will tell. Thank you for asking, it means alot to me.

Tavian is so excited about camping.....I was going to stay tomorrow night with him and let him play hooky on Friday but it is his class beach party and he wants to go so I will take him to school and then go spend the day at the camp sight by myself enjoying the quiet, the beach and the walks....

Love, Peace and Strength to all....Kathy

[lolynbo]

SO ON THE EVE OF MY DAUGHTERS DEATH, 2 YR ANGELVERSERY...MONTY AND I GO TO THE CEMETERY TO CHANGE OUT HER FLOWERS WITH PURPLE ONES....AND

SOME ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS STOLE ONE OF HER SOLOR LIGHTS, BUT GINGERLY REPLACED IT WITH A PIECE OF CRAP SOLOR LIGHT THAT DIDNT WORK AND ALSO PUT HER FLOWERS BACK.....SO ITS NOT REALLY STEELN IF YOUR REPLACING MY GUESS?????

THANKS ASSSSSSSSSSSS HOPE GOD GETS YA

[ericasmom]

Oh Lorri, who would do this? I am sorry that you would ever have to deal with this kind of crap, but to deal with it during the 'holy-week of sadness' is just mean. I hope that somehow, you guys figure out what is going on so that it can be settled.

And because it is the eve of this sad date, I am holding you, praying for you all, and loving you. Hold tight Lorri, YOUR GIRL is flying high.

Kathy, how nice that BJ is doing better right now. I will pray that this is the curve he will stay on, one that keeps finding him getting stronger and with a focus and healthy. Yes, crying jags that come out of nowhere, like storms that have to release their pressure so as not to interfere with all the day to day you have to deal with.

Sleep All, deeply with sweet dreams.

[nicksdad]

Lorri & Monty...will be thinking about you today....

[ericasmom]

KOURTNEY---

As you smile on your Family today, let them feel your peace and your heavenly presence, let them know that you walk along with them. Give them the signs that will allow their weary hearts to rest as they continue to forge a path forward making You proud.

Lor and Monty and Kody and Kim, she must be proud of the constant work you do to make your lives good, to live them strong.Holding you,

dee

[daniellemom]

Lorri – My thoughts and prayers are with you today as you remember your beautiful Kourtney.  May you feel her presence today and know that she is with her Lord.

Kathy – So glad to hear that BJ is doing better I know you are proud of him and I pray he continues on this path.  Sorry that you had a bad morning I pray today is a better day, enjoy the beach.

Dee – Even in the summer you stay so busy.  I wish I had your energy.

Leah – Congrats on the weight loss, that is great!  I know JoBoa and your son are very proud of you.

Susannah – It must have been difficult to disconnect the Stephanie’s phone.  You are doing a great job with your grandkids I know Stephanie is so proud of her children and her strong Mama.

Dan – I enjoyed seeing Nick’s smiling face this morning].

_{Everyone have the best day that you can have.}  

_{Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)}

[shorty16]

Kourtney,  Kourtney,  Kourtney  Kourtney,  Kourtney  Kourtney,  Kourtney,  Kourtney,  Kourtney Kourtney,  Kourtney,  Kourtney

I cannot say her name enough!!

Lorri, please know we are all here for you - thinking of you and your family on this day - 2 years without your girl!!!

Consider yourself hugged

Colleen

[shorty16]

I am still blown away by the depth of the pain that over takes me body and soul......

Boy can I relate!!!  The depth of this pain, even 2 years later is so intense sometimes.  It seems to happen when I am driving and thinking of my boy.  Never seeing him again.  Never laughing as I used to at his crazy jokes.

Even though this pain is not around all the time like it used to be, it sure rears its ugly head, grabs me around the throat, body-slams me to the ground and sits on my chest. - I found myself gasping for breath yesterday, could not get a normal breathing rhythm.

I still cannot believe the rest of our lives will be like this??

Colleen

 

 

[Guest]

Kourtney.

Respect..  That's the word that comes to mind this morning while pondering your girl, Lorri.  Strength, love and respect. 

Much love,  Susannah

[mysonrich]

Kourtney........

[mysonrich]

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri:  Thinking of you today and holding you and your family close in thought and prayers...may your beautiful Kourtney surround you with love and encouragement as you all move through this day that is so filled with those bittersweet memories of her sweet love.  I am so very sorry for the lowlifes that disturbed her site---we've been very fortunate where Mike's site is, but there have been some places near here where this happens all the time, up to and including stealing memorial benches! 

Dan:  so nice to see your Nick's smiling face...and the picture for Kourtney is really beautiful.

Betsy:  Nice to see your Rich's smile today, also.  Such a beautiful angel for Kourtney. 

Col:  Holding you close my friend...we are here for you.  Your sweet Brian is holding you as well. 

Kathy:  I too am so glad to hear that BJ is doing so well...I pray that the positive effects of the decisions he's making now will instill peace and strength in his heart and mind--and I am so very familiar with the "I go to bed every night praying and wake up every morning praying" for this path to continue.   So glad to hear of Barry's success, also...have a good weekend at the beach with Tavian...is Barry going also?  Yes, Kathy, we still see Denis, Mike's friend.  He is over here every couple of weeks or so for dinner and to talk and to watch some TV with us...he and I have gone to a couple of ballgames each summer since Mike passed.  It is always good to share memories of Mike with him. 

Sus:  I am so sorry that you had to go through these "steps" with disconnecting Steph's phone, etc.  I don't know if you are in denial as much as you are moving through the steps of this journey we all unwillingly have taken...I think that our angels give us the strength we need to do these things---they help us through the most difficult of days and show us the path we need to follow.  Your beautiful Stephanie is so very proud of all you do with her babies, and you know that she is right there with you whenever you are thinking "how can I do this?"  By the way, Damon is 5 1/2...he will be six the first of December.  Unbelievable...he wasn't even two when Mike passed.

Sonya:  We all understand about "reading but not being able to post" and as you know there are no judgments here...just post when you feel able, and know that we are holding you close always.  Thank you for your post yesterday...I am so glad to hear that Mattie and James are doing well...is James home for the summer?  It sounds as though you are doing some positive things for yourself and that is always good. 

Leah:  You're doing so very well with your program...I know the lifelong struggle with weight issues...I've lost enough in my lifetime to build at least 3-4 people, yet always seem to gain it back.  I am so glad you are walking and breathing better...we are thinking of you and sending you strength...

Dee:  I am glad also to hear that you are feeling better...hope the healing trend continues and your sinus infection is a thing of the past.  I will be working in the garden today and may plant a couple of new perennials...thinking of you as I do so.  

Thank you all for your thoughts on Davis...he had his four wisdom teeth taken out yesterday, and except for a few moments of panic, he is doing well.  When he came out of the office and saw us waiting for him outside, he broke down, started shaking, and crying.  He said "I can't swallow, I am really scared...I can't swallow."  I went in to ask the nurse what was happening, and she said that some of the novacaine had dripped down his throat, and though he can't feel it, he is actually swallowing when he tries, and he would be okay...tshe had told him hat there was no swelling in his throat area or anything like that; they had checked it thoroughly.  So, I went back out and held his hands to calm him down some, and then told him to put his fingers around the outside of his neck and swallow, and he would be able to "feel: the swallow happening.  He did this and calmed down right away.  He has been very fortunate with follow up pain being very minimal and the Ibuprofen seeming to take care of it.  We were all worried about the aftercare, as he is still in his rehab program, and heavy-duty pain meds were totally out of the picture for him.  Thank God things have gone well and he has seen that he can do this type of thing without the pain meds that nearly cost him his life.  He is 42 days from finishing his rehab program (he's been in it for 21 months), and each day of success is another triumph.  It's been a long and sometimes pain-filled journey for all of us, but so worth the outcome, though we can never take it for granted that it will always be this way...it is a day-to-day journey, as any know who are involved with addiction.  We are so very proud of him, and all of this will culminate in his graduation next week...he will have a regular graduation ceremony at the high school...cap and gown, etc., and he is just so proud of himself, as we are proud of him. 

I hope everyone has a nice day...the weather here is clearing and warming up considerably over the next couple of days.  Cathi and I have a ballgame tomorrow night...I gave her tickets for her birthday for this game, as her favorite player who is no longer with the Red Sox is coming back to Fenway for his first time since leaving (Manny Ramirez, who is now with the Dodgers).  She is as excited as if she were meeting him for a date!  He is somewhat of a "laid-back rebel" so she identified with him immediately when she first started going to games and was heartbroken when his "rebel" ways caused his departure from the Sox.  At the same time, she has an understanding that the path he was on can lead to less acceptance from those who follow the rules, and we can't always set our own, so it's kind of a "yes, I think you're great, but it's time to grow up" line of thinking for her.  She is too funny! 

Yesterday was a day of deep thoughts, dreams, and some happenings that brought it all together...I will post about it later, as I need to go and pick up more copies of Ralph's scans and reports for this new doctor in Boston we are seeing for another evaluation on what the docs at Dartmouth Hitchcock are planning.  It is more of a consideration of options for aftercare, "just in case" possibilities and options for them, etc., from someone else's viewpoint. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[Guest]

Lorri - I sent you a private message.

[lolynbo]

GOSH GUYS I PRAY SHE LETS ME LET YAL READ MY PRIVATE MESSAGE...IT SURELY HELPED MY DAY...

THE OPENING LINE I HAD JUST SAID TO KOURTNEY (AGAIN) THIS MORN AT 930 MY TIME

[Guest]

Lorri - It is yours to share as you wish.    Perhaps wiser souls, here, will be able to help with the message.  I would caution you not to try hard to not try so hard. 

Much love,

Susannah

[lolynbo]

Dearest Lorri,

"Tell my mom to quit trying so hard."

I have no idea what that is in relation to.  Those words came to me very clearly and strongly this morning as I began to write my post for Kourtney on Beyond Indigo.  Perhaps they will make better sense to you????  If they make sense to you, if you don't mind, would you tell me?

I also want to add that the presence of Kourtney was very strong.  Which means she is a very strong spirit.  As the goose bumps and shivers went through my whole body I felt a deep feeling of respect, strength and awe of her.  I can't quite explain it.  But, I felt a sense of serious purpose from her.  At first I began to write a long explanation or apology for assuming she spoke to me, and even that was interrupted with a sense of "just tell her". 

I really hesitate in sharing this, and it may have just been a fluke, but I'm going to share and hope it brings you some comfort.  Rarely does it happen that I get a sense of the spirit's experience, but as it would seem, there was instant understanding when Kourtney made her little visit this morning.

When she first went into the hospital and then the coma, she was scared.  I have the sense that her spirit argued with her angels about her death and that she even tried to will herself better.  She didn't want to leave the wonderful life she was living.  She loved life.  She loved passionately.  I have the sense her angels or guides were a little amused, but not surprised, at her stubborness.  She was quite worried for all of you.  She saw your anxiety, your pain.  The pain of her husband.  Her brother.  Monty.  Kimberly.  She kept hugging each of you, trying to wipe away your tears. 

When the time came to turn off the machines, she was at peace.  Lorri, I wish I could give you the picture that is in my heart of what happened at the precise moment her body died.  I see the room her body is in getting brighter and brighter.  Her spirit is so strong her own light filled the room with a powerful light.  Almost like an explosion of stars.  Very, very powerful.

I've only felt THAT kind of strength from the other side one other time.  And, it was from the arch angel Gabriel, himself. 

Take this or leave it..........but, your daughter is very much alive and very much about the business at hand (for her). 

Anyway, she said to tell you to quit trying so hard.  Clear, precise message.  What it means?  I have no idea.

But, I'm not ignoring her.  She could definitely kick my spiritual butt!

Much love to you today!  Susannah

AS SHE WAS WRITTING THIS TO ME IM AT THE CEMETERY TELLIN KOURTNEY "I NO IM TRYING TO HARD"...

[lostwoher]

 Thinking of you Lorri and your family <<<<HUGS>>>>

 Kourtney KoURtneY KOURTNEY always an Angel.

 Lynn aka Kayla's mom

 

[Guest]

Lorri - I hope it's okay if I reply openly, now.

I just wanted to tell you I think it would be nice if my own daughter found the where with all to pay me a visit!  Perhaps she does.  Perhaps she tries to talk to me.  Perhaps my emotional attachment to her prevents me from really hearing.  Who knows?  At least a wild bird landed on my shoulder....

I also wanted to add that because of these experiences, I thought I would be able to skip grief when Stephanie died.  That was not only arrogant on my part, it was ignorant. 

I was "blessed" (sarcasm) to walk through the whole process.  Yuck!  The mud and the muck of it all.  Losing my breath.  Having it hurt to breath.  The tangible physical pain of losing her.  Questioning everything I had ever experienced or believed.  All of it.  Grief seems to be a power unto itself.  It's own source. 

I am so thankful to all of you here at Indigo who have helped me and continue to hold me up.  You give me permission to feel. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

STEPHANIES MOMMA...YOU BROUGHT TEARS TO MONTYS EYES AND MINE OF COURSE...HE SAID "WHO IS THIS WOMAN, ITS LIKE SHE KNEW KOURTNEY, ITS LIKE SHE WAS THERE".....WOW HOW AWESOME A VISIT/ OR DICTATION OF A LETTER..

I MADE A COPY OF IT, AND WILL READ IT TONIGHT AT DINNER...THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE SPECIAL GIFT.

SO MANY OF YOU, HAVE MADE MY DAY BETTER...THANK YO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU...I TRUELY AM BLESSED TO HAVE YAL IN MY "NEW LIFE"....

FIXIN TO GO EAT AT OUR FAV MEX REST WITH FAM AND FRIENDS AND THEN DOING THE BUTTERFLY RELEASE...

I WILL POST PICS ASAP

[zachysmom]

I am still around just making it one day at a time. Completely not looking forward to july

[summergirl]

[summergirl]

Lorri - my heart and thoughs are with you and your family....feel her presence, say her name, let those butterflies fly....they will go straight to her. Love you my friend.

Suz - what can I say except Powerful, what an experience....I am so happy that Kourtney talked to you....what an amazing gift you have. I will wait the day for Jessica to talk to you.....

Another late night but got the camper down to the beach, all set....I am so excited for a weekend away from everything.....phones, tv.....I wll miss my laptop but promise to catch up with all on Sunday evening and will have lots of pics to post.

Tavian is sound asleep next to me so guess I better get him in his bed.

Thank you....I do pray that Bj finds his way this time....pray for him as I know you do.

So tired so I will say good night and read for a bit. Peace, love and strength. Kathy

[hotrod]

                  

                           KOURTNEY

 HOLDING WARM THOUGHTS OF YOU AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL SMILE 

 

BETTY STEPHEN'S MOM:(

[ericasmom]

Wow Susannah, you seemed to have communicated with Kourtney. I am glad that you could give this to Lorri and Monty so that they could feel the presence of their GIRL.

Betty, so good to see Stephen's handsome face tonight. I have missed you, and have seen glimpses of you here and there knowing then, that you are back from your travels. Did you have a good trip?

Beth, July is the month for me too, it is hard facing the dates that surround our Children. Please let us know how you are doing, how your Daughter is and how your Husband is doing. How has your post surgical months been? Sorry to bombard you with questions, just have not heard from you and want to know how things are going.

Carol, so glad that Davis had a fairly smooth time, but oh, how scary for him at the end of the procedure, and how wonderful at the same time, because there you were, making sense of it for him, for you. There you were helping Davis feel safe again. You have a very giving heart Carol, your Grandies are mighty lucky to have you, even if you are the opposite of on time.

Trudi, meant to ask you about the Debutante Ball. Is that a standard event in a young lady's life there? How is Melissa doing? Is she seeking fulltime employment now with her new degree? Like Momma, like Daughter with her nursing degree.

Good night Everyone, I am bushed. Taught today after a bike ride, and then my niece came by at around 4:00 with her daughter, Nayeli, and son, Xavier. They are so darn cute, a long day however adn I am ready for some sleep. Hope it is deep like last nights. Sonya, so true. You said that I am busy even in the summer when I have time off, I do stay fairly busy. After tomorrow however, the class I am co-teaching will be over. I will tutor two mornings per week, hoping to get one more child, so far I have two. One will come twice a week. Tutoring affords me to have pocket money and that is good, so that I don't use up our summer money too quickly, it has to last for the whole time off. (we are pretty much a one income family). So we need the cash, plus tutoring helps me keep my head actively learning new ways to teach which is good since I love to RELAX with books and journals in the yard all  summer and if I do not teach or stay current in books for children, I will worry as the summer creeps past and school begins. I get nervous each year before school starts, that I won't be any good any more. Physically acitve is just how I am. I usually have to do at least 40 minutes at the start of the day in order to sit down to do anything like read or draw or write. But believe me Sonya, I can just sit and sit and sit once I have had some movement.

Good to see you here again Sonya, hope all is well.

Love,

dee

[lolynbo]

WITH OUT GREAT PPL LIKE YAL AND THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY THAT WERE ABLE TO COME TONIGHT...I JUST WOULDNT HAVE MADE IT THRU THE DAY....GOD BLESS EACH ONE OF YAL

THIS IS KIMBERLYS FOOT AND HER BUTTERFLY...

[shorty16]

Susannah - I am floored.  This story brings hope to all of us.

GOSH Lorri - That Kourtney of yours must have been some kinda gal, You have another friend that hears from Kourtney now and than also - Lucky gal you are.

Susannah, you must be very open to this - and I must be very closed.  I do not even dream of Brian - have not yet.

Thank you for sharing this - Just made my day!!!!

Colleen

[Guest]

Good morning, Indigo's,

I am torn between apologizing, explaining or down playing my "gift".  I'm so fickle, I don't really like attention for it, but really like validation.  LOL 

However, I am coming to understand that it is not appreciated when I try to discount, excuse or apologize when a visit is made.  I knew that from previous experience, but Kourtney brought the message home yesterday.  "They" aren't too concerned with my reputation or if I'm embarrassed or not. 

My mother was intuitive and my sister is.  She would just die if she knew I told y'all.  It's just something I've lived with since I was young.  I assumed everyone else did, too.  (Well, they - you do...but, that's another topic)

However, that is not my "gift".  While I am "visited" quite often, it is rare that a direct message is delivered to be given to someone else.  Mostly I just feel their presence and their personality.  In the past I have tried to ignore it when a direct message was delivered but the spirit wouldn't leave me alone until I delivered the message.  It's just really uncomfortable to go to someone and say "Kourtney said quit trying so hard".  They don't give an explanation when they give the message.  Anyway, not to me.  They just want the message delivered.

My gift is compassion or empathy.  I literally FEEL other people's pain.  I have to protect myself (spiritually) so I can discern between your pain and my pain.  I don't have the gift of healing.  I just suffer right along with ya!!!  LOL

So, when all other venues are closed, I think "they" talk to me as a last resort.  I am grateful for it.  I mean no disrespect.  I do not say that for your benefit, but so they'll know I don't treat it lightly. 

I just wish I could deliver something to each of you!  I've had a few individual experiences with some of your angels, but no direct message that would make you believe it really happened.  When it has happened, however, I have made it known to their parent either by private message or through an open post.  I've left it to them to receive it or not.

What I can say is, dead is not dead.  They are not dead.  Gone is not gone.  They are not gone.

Now.........if you all would remind me of that as Stephanie's angelversary approaches I'd appreciate it.  Hell!  She could show up herself and I'd tell her to go away, I'm too sad to talk right now.  Just throwing some humor in!

This life is not all there is.  It's very short in the scheme of things.  I hope you find some joy in this day of this life!

Much love,  Susannah

[westleysmom]

Really new!  I accidentally started a new topic.  I meant to be on this page because you all seem to post every day.  My son died in January and I'm so lost.  I was looking for a place where people didn't mind if you talked about your loss.  Everyone seems to be so uncomfortable when you talk about how you feel.  They just want to tell you what their children are doing now, like that will make you feel better.  I don't want to be unkind, but sometimes I don't care what their children are doing.  It just makes me sad.  My husband and I are doing the best we can.  We still have our daughter, who is married and has a child.  But we don't have our son and it is just so hard. 

[hotrod]

 HI to all my wonderful Indigo Friends

  It has been a long time and I missed posting and sharing with you all.   I am still in a black hole and have not crawled out yet but I wanted to say:

Welcome Westleysmom

You have found a beautiful place to come and be with people who understand and really "Get It"

I am glad you have been reading for a time and find it safe to introduce yourself.  Please come back tell us all about Westley,  how much you loved each other, how many wonderful years you had togetner and post a picture .  That can be done by going to the bottom of your message and  you will see 

Attachment:

Allowed extensions: bmp gif jpg jpeg png txt pdf zip

Then  Go your your computer and attach a picture  It will show up in your post

The file size should not exceed 500000 bytes

 

Please keep coming back

Betty Stephen'smom;)

[daveydow1]

 

  SOAR   HIGH  ON  PINK  ANGEL WINGS, SWEET   KOURTNEY LYNN. WARM YOUR MAMMA AND DADDY'S  HEARTS, AND ALL YOUR LOVING FAMILY'S HEARTS,  FROM HEAVEN.

    Lorri---I'm sorry, I  wasn't on BI yesterday....Kourtney's Angel Day,  but thinking of you and your family, and sending prayers.  Peace to you, friend.

          Sherry

[shorty16]

Glad you found this thread Westley's Mom.

Hope you find this place helpful - I sure do.  The loneliness is the hardest.  Like you said "No one wants to hear about our angels, only their kids who are alive"

This graduation was especially hard for me.  Total melt-down at my sister-in-laws house.  I need to recognize my limitations now and not place myself in situations that cause me so much emotional pain.

Hot here today is Wisconsin.  YEAH

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

My son Westley died in his sleep at a friend's house on January 13.  He would have been 21 in 6 days. The friend called us and woke us up at 5:30 a.m.  She was supposed to wake him to go to work and she couldn't wake him.  Her Mom called 911 and then she called us back and said to go to the ER.  When we got there, they came to get permission to treat and when I signed the paper, they left for a few min.  When three people came back in and shut the door, we knew.  I don't have to tell you all how unreal it all became at that point.  We had to start calling people and going into that room and seeing him, but not him.  I had to let my daughter know and she was on her way and I didn't want her to drive too fast, so she asked me if he was gone, and I had to tell her yes.  I couldn't tell my Mom on the phone, so my sister had to go tell her.  My husband's parents were on the road and their cell phones were dead, so they didn't find out until late in the day, although we tried all day to find them. I called my best friend from high school to tell her when we were on our way to the funeral home.  When she answered and I told her who I was, she started crying.  I asked her why she was crying and she said her son (who was a year younger than Westley) died on New Year's day in his sleep!  I couldn't believe it.  Is that the craziest thing you've ever heard?  The only person I still keep up with from school, and our sons died within two weeks of each other in the same way!  So I do have somebody to talk to, but we always just wrote real letters, never e-mail or much phone calls.  So most of the time I feel so alone.  She came to visit a couple of weeks ago and it was really good to see her, but so hard when she left because I knew the only person (other than my husband) I could talk to about it was gone again.  I don't know much about posting (obviously) but I needed someone to tell my sad story to who might understand.

[Guest]

The saddest of welcomes, Westley's mom!  This is a safe place to talk, feel, yell, laugh, whatever!  No judgement!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son!  My daughter, Stephanie, died last August 9th from injuries sustained in an ATV accident.  She left three small children whom my husband and I are raising. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[daveydow1]

Just lost my post, so will have to start again. ARgggggggh!

Colleen----Oh, dear friend, my heart goes out to you for the difficult time you

have been having lately.  Graduations, school events etc. would, understandibly,

be so hard for you since dear Brian was in that age group. We just attended a

grad party for a relative. Many people in attendance. People were talking about

colleges etc. and where their kids went to school. One man took over the

conversation he was nearest to, and went on & on about his 'kid', and how

he graduated (with honors, of course).  (the 'kid' is 55 ).  My mind began to

float, and think of how Davey never got the chance to go to college.  This type

of stuff is  part of the lousy road we are all on, here at BI. Peace & comfort, friend.

Carol----Oh, poor Davis. What an ordeal...getting 4 wisdom teeth out at the same

time. The novocaine/swallowing thing must have been  frightening  for him.

I do hope he is feeling much better now.

Dee---We had  two fawns and a doe near our garden early this a.m.  They saw

us, and   they ran across the soybean field and into the woods.

We believe they were the ones we saw earliear this week. I guess she had

twin fawns.....(don't know much about the  "deer nursery subject' ).

Betsy-----Love the Angel graphic...so pretty.

Lorrie----Sorry about someone stealing things off Kourtney's gravesite. THE DIRTY

SKUNK! :X.

I hope the new format for BI does not make posts somehow VANISH. 

Wishing peace & tranquility to all here in the BI FAMILY.

               Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Westleysmom:  I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful son, Westley.   I am glad that you have someone to write to, your friend, but so sorry for her loss, as well.  I am also glad that you have been able to read our posts and feel comfortable enough to post to us.  You have found an amazing place to be, (though we all wish it never had a reason to come about).    You have found the understanding, caring and support that you have been looking for.  We here travel on the same road you have been on since January 13th...a bumpy, roller-coaster type of road that has a mind of its own.  By that I mean, we can be going along doing pretty well (as well as we can with a huge piece of us missing), and then wham, we stumble, we fall, and we never know how far down the fall will be.  But all of us here are ready to step in and help each other back up.  Some of us have been here longer than others, but those of us who have been here longer can tell you that though it is terribly hard to understand or believe, it truly does get softer...the pain never, ever goes away, but eventually it is softer, less piercing, though as I said, there are still times... 

We lost our only son, Mike, at the age of 31, on Oct 14, 2006, to brain cancer.  He has three boys, now 14, 13 (at the end of July), and the youngest, just now 5.  They are terrific kids and thankfully, we see them often and they love to be here.  Mike's wife has been awesome, as well, though there were definitely some rough patches on the beginning of this journey. 

Please come back and tell us more about your wonderful son...and as others have said, post a picture so we can see his smile.  I have heard it said that grief is the price we pay for love, and though the grieving is piercingly painful at times, I still would not have wanted to miss out on the all the love that our son brought to us, as I am sure you feel the same. about your Westley.

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs 

[westleysmom]

I've never been on message boards before, so I will probably do crazy things trying to talk to you all.  I am not a computer person that much.  I have read some of your stories and they are all so sad.  But you seem to be doing better than me and it gives me hope.  He was still living at home and was my last baby, so it has been very hard.  He worked for my husband and so that has been very hard for him.  Buying groceries or cooking have been very hard, though getting a little better.  Everytime I look at recipes, I see something he loved, or hated and it sets me off.  I haven't done anything to his room yet.  Its just so hard to go in there that I don't.  I keep the door closed and only go in there when I am prepared to lose it.  He was handsome and funny and named (middle name) for his dad, and granddad, and great-granddad, and great-great granddad.  And now he's gone and I'm so sad.  And its like, no matter what you do or buy or think or pray or anything, its not going to change what happened.  ever.  I feel bad when I feel bad and I feel bad when I feel good (even for a few seconds) because then I remember he's gone and I'm still here, and what kind of mama feels good (even for a few seconds) when her baby is gone? 

[westleysmom]

Trying to figure out pictures.  See if this works.  Graduation in 2007. 

[mikesmomrs]

Westleysmom:  I just read your newest post, and your statement "...and what kind of mama feels good (even for a few seconds) when her baby is gone?" reminded me of the first time that I laughed out loud after Mike left this earthly plane...yes, I still remember it, and yes, I still remember the guilt I felt.  I stopped breathing after I heard it, wondering who it came from...realized it was me, and apologized inside my heart to my son.  Now, further into this journey,  I know that he sent that laugh to me...Mike had cancer for 17 months, and he said to me "Mom, I don't want you to die because I do.  You have to live your life."  He was just making sure I remembered...and he LOVED to laugh!  So hard to believe that you can laugh again, especially at this early stage, but you will...and you will actually like it. 

love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs

[shorty16]

Westley's Mom

Boy can I relate to the grocery shopping - still have such a hard time with that.  We actually shopped on Pea Pod.com for a period of time, because I would have melt-downs in the grocery store.

When we loss a child, a piece of ourselves, our entire life has changed.  The only thing I can aquate it to is an astoroid collision.  The planet I was on was split in two and I am now going in a completely new direction.  A direction where my future is uncertain and some of my dreams have died.

But here, I am not so alone. 

Colleen

[lolynbo]

WESTLEYS MOMMY, IM SO SORRY, IT JUST DOESNT MAKE SENCE DOES IT...AND IT NEVER WILL...LOVE THE PIC OF THE CAP GOWN LOOK...LOVE IT...

HAVING JUST SURVIVED MY DAUGHTERS 2ND ANGELVERSERY IM JUST BARELY HANGING ON, BUT WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU...ITS SUCH A RUFF ROAD...BUT IM GLAD YOU FOUND US AND I PRAY YOUR FRIEND DOES TOO.. (YOU CAN READ ABOUT MY BABY IN MY PROFILE)

I FOUND THIS TODAY ABOUT BUTTERFLIES

Butterfly Wish

Whisper your secret wish to a Butterfly

and it will carry your desire to Great Spirit to be granted.

Having given this sweet creature to the Universe,

your wishes will be fulfilled in return

They believe the wings must connect at the Heart for the Butterfly to fly and live.

 Real life occurs because of the interaction of the wings.

The Life is the Butterfly's Heart.

Life, like the Butterfly's Heart, is kept alive by the two opposing,

mirroring twinlike wings.

THANK YOU ALL AGIAN FOR ALL THE WELL WISHES YESTERDAY ON THE BUTTERFLY RELEASE AND THINKING OF KOURTNEY LYNN...LATE IS NEVER TOO LATE ...

[westleysmom]

It still feels like the planet I was on exploded into a million pieces.  And I am on all of them.  But I feel like you don't mind listening and that's the thing that is (one of) the hardest.  That nobody wants to hear it anymore, they're over the shock and it feels like people are thinking that you should be, you know, used to it by now.  Whatever the heck that means.  I don't think I'll ever get used to it.  When I talk about him at all, except in the most short phrases, I come unglued.  So I don't talk about him much, and it feels like a betrayal. 

[mikesmomrs]

Westleysmom:  Oh, the pic of your son is just awesome...his sense of humor jumps off the page...and he is so cute...my heart aches for you!  (by the way, the two letters at the end of my sign-on name, "rs" stand for Red Sox---Mike's true life-long passion!)  Our angels are surely grinning at each other as I speak this to you...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs