Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

DANG IT MAN....HERE WE GO...ITS CREEPN UP ON ME....MONDAY WILL BE 2 YRS WHEN WE TURNED OFF THE MACHINES....AND THEN THURSDAY WILL BE THE DAY SHE DIED 17TH...AND OUR BUTTERFLY RELEASE...IM TRYING TO KEEP MY MIND BIZZY..

BUT IT JUST KICKS ME IN THE TEETH AND THERE IT IS....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET ALYSA.(SORRY SPELLED THAT WRONG )...I PRAY YOU HAVE ANGEL ON YOUR SHOULDER..

WELL WE THINK SOMEONE IS GOING TO RUN THE TRACK SO THE BABY STILL GETS TO RACE (WE CLD GO OUT OF TOWN BUT THATS RUFF $$$$ AND WEAR AND TEAR WE DONT NEED)...SO THE TRACK IS SUPPOSE TO OPEN WEEKEND OF JULY 3 AND 4TH

I NO IM NOT GOING THRU ANYTHING YAL HAVENT....BUT I JUST FEEL SO ALONE AND EMPTY...

[ericasmom]

Lorri, no way around it, it will be a tough week ahead. There are days that are heart-breakingly sad, and no matter how many years, they will probably always evoke this ache. Nobody here would expect you to feel any differently than you do right now. Each year, on July 8th through July 14th, I feel I am in a holy-week. Eri and I had a sweet phone conversation on the 8th at around 8:00 or so in the evening while I was out on a walk. About a half hour later, she was hit. She died on the 14th. And as sad and devastating those days were, they held so much beauty and humanity that I do feel they are holy days.

Hang on Lorri.  Being the only Mom of Kourtney

you are alone in some ways with your pain and loss. I think we all are in those days when the replay is on a loop in our brains/hearts/souls. But in so many other ways, you don't feel alone with this. Let the time go by as you try to figure out how you will get through it, and it will  flutter past you, a day to remember but also a day to cast your deepest prayers and hopes to the wind.

[Guest]

Dee - You said that so well.  Holy Days.  That's how I feel.  I haven't had a definition until you gave it to me.  Painfully holy, majestic and powerful.  Those days are meant to be respected.  Thank you.

Lorri - I'm just so sorry!  You survived two years.  That puts me  in awe of you.  Thank you for sharing yourself so raw and open and honest.  You keep getting back up.  I just got through telling Gary how frightened I am of the second year (coming way too quickly)..  We just can't afford for me to go through what I did the first four months again.  Gary was virtually a single parent.  I was useless.  Watching you for the last six months shows me how to get back up again.  I'm just so sorry you had to be an example at all!  This is a club none of us would have joined willingly.

The kids first day of "Good Grief" camp was good.  Jasmine (age 7) was angry at me as soon as she saw my face when I came to pick them up.  She acted out a bit and then glared at me the whole way home.  Another act of blatant disrespect won her 7minutes time out when we got home.  Still, she continued to glare at me.  Then, it hit me.  like a ton of bricks....       I knew.  I got it.  I understood.

I called her to me and told her it was impossible for me not to notice how angry she is with me and would she like to talk about it.  She continued to give me that "I'd like to rip your face off" expression as she said something about a dog. 

Finally I asked her if it was possible she was just mad.  Mad because her mommy died and mad because she couldn't live with her daddy.  I asked if I was right or wrong.  "Right about Mommy.  Wrong about Daddy.

She then said "I'M JUST SO MAD THAT MOMMY DIED!"  I told her I understood and that I get mad too when I'm sad or scared.  She talked for a while longer and then she climbed into the chair with me and cuddled.  She was calm the rest of the evening.

Why didn't I see it before.  She's just like me!  When I'm sad or scared I get mad.  I strike out.  Never saw it before in her.  never.  Just thought she was an obstinate child.

Well....she's that, too.  MY blood runs through her veins.  Of course she's obstinate.

Wishing you peace!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[aviemare]

It late and I'm in bed with my iPhone in the dark crying as I peck out these words. I am missing my child so much right now and as I scroll through all the profile pictures I am crying for all of you and your children as well.

What a foul and bitter club we have all been forced to join. What an ugly reality the world has become for us. So long removed

from the joy of baby giggles and first steps and skinned knees and first dates and proms and graduations and even grandbabies.

So utterly GONE.

I pity us all. We humans are not made to simply carry on when our young perish like most other species can. Despite our alleged superior intellegence we are the weakest of all; the least able to cope with our grief and loss. I suppose this is the cost we pay for our humanity.

I personally think the price is too high for there is nothing more pitiable than a grieving parent; nothing more frightening to face than the eyes of those who mourn children.

Right now I would much rather be anything else than what I am.

[ericasmom]

Grief camp was hard for your little one Sus, as any time a child or adult is sort of forced to deal wtih that which they more likely keep buried. I had a student this year who lost his 19 year old brother last year adn he would never talk about Marcus much. But we slowly started, and my talking about Eri also helped him see that talking about it won't hurt you, it will help. But he was very guarded adn protected in there, so again very slowly we were able to help him find ways to express his sadness and let his sadness be okay to share. His background is that you do not share personal stuff. Finally, we convinced Mom that he needs therapy to help him through the grief, not around the grief. He needs support and the promise that he can talk about Marcus. Now he has a therapist who does art therapy with him and he has found some balance. I couldn't be more pleased with the way his year ended in third grade. What a rocky 3/4 of a year to get here.

Oh I know that you wish you were not who you are right now. Animals grieve in shorter bursts but I think that many do grieve. Elephants hold the bones of their loved ones and stomp and cry and bellow, sometimes staying in the area of their lost one for days. And I do believe that they carry with them the memory of thier lost member. The only algebra I ever claim to understand is that what ever is on one side of the equation is also on the other side...intense pain, obliterating pain on one side means that there was/is blinding joy on the other. Not that this makes it okay, nothing does that. We are not unlike the elephants, we move from the spot because we have to, because we still need to eat and breathe and drink water, and eventually we move because we know that we have this day to find something in.

Love and someday peace,

dee

[shorty16]

Lorri

I am right there with you.  Thinking that our kids have been gone for almost 2 years.

You have almost a week of mourning as your beautiful Kourtney left this Earth.  Reliving the hospital thing - You BI friends and their angels are all arond you.

I have only a day, the late evening of that day. Sudden, no warning (I do not think there is any preparation for the death of your child).

You have a whole rememberance planned - How cool - We have nothing planned.  I just do not have the strength.

Indigos,

Another 18 year old died in a car crash in Oak Creek, WI yesterday - He was to graduate on Saturday.  My heart is dying for that family.  I will be sending another letter to let them know they are not alone.

Love all the posts

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

COLLEEN, I NO I WAS THINKING OF YOU ALSO...AND MARCIA...AND PROB SO MANY OTHERS (I DONT HAVE A CHEAT SHEET)...

YES ITS THE WEEK LEADING UP TO THE DAY...AND THE 7MONTHS AND 2 DAYS OF HELL.WE WENT THRU TO TRY AND KEEP HER HERE WITH US...THINKING AND PRAYING ALL ALONG SHE WOULD MAKE IT....WOW IT GETS DARK WHEN I REALLY GO THERE TO THAT PLACE IN MY MIND...LITERALLY ALMOST BLACK OUT...

WOW JUST TAKING IT ONE DAY AT A TIME RIGHT NOW...BREATHING SLOWLY AND RELYING ON GOD TO HELP US THRU IT AND FRIENDS LIKE YAL

THANKS DEE AND EVERYONE FOR ALL THE WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT YOU HAVE GIVIN ME IN THE LAST 2 YRS....I REALLY THINK I WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF HAD I NOT HAD YAL...AND SADLY THAT IS SO SERIOUS OF A SENTENCE THERE.....

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR BEING MY LIFELINE TO KOURTNEY AND HOPES AND PRAYERS...

[aviemare]

Being an animal lover I do know you are correct. I'm actually doing pretty well most days. For some reason my grief rears it's ugly head at night when I alone. I've always been a solitary person. I guess I'm the same way with grieving. Thank you for your insight.

Anni

[shorty16]

More information concerning the 18 year old Oak Creek boy who died yesterday.

He was racing at 100 mph and struck a 58 year old man.  Killed him.

The young boy's family will be dragged through the mud like we were.  "Where are the parents when their kids are racing (or riding on the hood of the car)".

I saw those looks.  I heard the parents and their horrible comments.

My heart is so heavy for yet another member of our group.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

 

[dave82]

Colleen:

I am so damned sorry.  People seem to think there is some sort of division or classification that the dead belong to.  There are the "honorable" deaths which may include cancer (they were so brave) , murder, being killed by a vehicle, (they were victims) etc.  Then there are the "other" deaths:  suicides, drug overdoses (my own child Nicole; the "selfish and weak), situations like yours,(the reckless) and everything that falls under the less than honorable category.

Until you join the Club, you don't understand that DEAD IS DEAD no matter how someone got there.  The pain is just as hard and real, the sadness is just as profound and the loss is just as permanent.  And the grief will last forever.  And EVERYONE is a victim.

My child fought a monster that even high-paid celebrities often cannot defeat, despite their fortunes and elaborate "Spa" treatment centers.  She had no help yet fought for years alone trying to overcome the demon of addiction, and she almost won.  Almost...

I am praying that all of us find a fleeing moment of peace. 

Anni

[ericasmom]

Colleen, those looks that others gave were selfish attempts at feeling safe, as though anyone is immune from the phone calls we received. "My child would never..." and who needs that ? I agree with Anni, that gone is gone, what we are left with is our broken hearts and lives to be rebuilt with the love of that Now Gone Child, to help us spackle our pieces together again. The glue of us is the love in our lives.

I know that the family that recently lost their boy will know that you are there Col, and I think it is very generous for you to offer your heartache as evidence to others who KNOW! My goodness, Brian must be so proud of you.

Dee

[ericasmom]

Deep prayers for the envioronmental disaster in the Gulf, I just can't stand what is happening and why it happened. HOw can so little thought be given to wildlife by these big drilling companies? The reason is- The Bush Administration with Cheney at the helm, protecting his oil interests, allowed the deregulation of the drilling and that is what has caused this horrid tragedy. Sea turtles, and so many other endangered already animals, in an area so fragile after the hurricane and the embarrassment  of that clean-up, and now what? so deep prayers for answers and action and somehow, to clean it up.

Deep prayers also for those in Arkansas last night along the Missouri River where sudden flash floods dashed the lives of many.

[summergirl]

It is late, baseball game and thern dinner so I will catch up tomorrow.

Wanted to share this and get your thoughts.  Tavian told me tonight that I cannot take care of him like his mommy did...I asked him why he thought that and he said "because your not my mommy" and he started to cry     I gave him a hug and told him that his mommy taught me how to take care of him and I loved him.   He went into the living room, turned on the tv and asked me to watch a movie with him !!  I do not know what to think ????

Love, peace and strength, Kathy

Lorri - I am hugging you my friend.

[lolynbo]

kathey thank you...YOUR SWEET LIL TAVIAN...WOW...I DONT NO HOW YOU AND MY SISTER ARE DOING IT RAISING GRAND KIDS..(AND SO MANY OTHERS).

GOING CAMPING SINCE THE TRACK IS CLOSED FOR FEW WEEKS...STILL MAYBE INDEFINATE...CANT GET A STR8T ANSWER...SO NO RACING FOR THE BABY

BOUGHT ALL NEW FLOWERS FOR KOURTNEY PURPLE ROSES ...I WILL POST PICS WHEN I PUT THEM OUT...

COLLEEN, MAYBE YOU WIL THINK OF SOMETHING...IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE ELABERATE..MINES NOT JUSTLIL THINGS I HAVE DECIEDED TO DO REGARLESS IF HER DADDY COMES OR NOT (SCOTT) OR SHOULD I SAY FATHER MONTY IS HER DADDY..

OK LOVE TO ALL I WILL CHECK IN SUNDAY SOMETIME WHEN WE GET HOME FROM CAMPING..(JUST 4 MILES DOWN THE ROAD AT LAKE MURRAY)

PROB LAST PIC OF HER THAT I CAN THINK OF ...(BESIDES HOSP PICS)

[ericasmom]

Lorri, have a great camping trip. I hope that the weather is great adn that the group feels united. Purple roses sound beautiful, I look forward to seeing those.

HOw is your clematis plant doing?

Kath, I am not sure why Tavian was so filled with that after the game. Was it a rough day for him, were there moms everywhere he looked? Was he simply tired and unable to filter through his thoughts? Does he need to connect with you through your common bond, his Momma, your Daughter?

Col, without my cheat sheet and unsure of where I tucked it, can you make me aware of the date that marks Brian's leaving? I am so sorry that the times hold such ache. I wish that I could change it for you, for all of you.

Today I went to the gym and worked out and then went to the warm water pool to further work out and get some gentle heat for my back. So the pool is crowded and there is a couple I have never seen so I say hello. The woman talks to me, grateful I think that someone talked to her. She had a pretty German accent/ She and her husband were older than me by a bit. So we talk while we are doing our exercises in the water and she asked me how many kids I have. I told her two, but one died nearly 7 years age. (guys, 7 years...really?) So she said, "oh, we lost our Son almost 4 years ago." I asked how he died, she said his heart. She said that some people say, " well he died so long ago, aren't you over it yet?" I told her that she should say, "why, are you over the birth of your kids?" She said that she hardly gets to speak of her Son with her friends.

We laughed. So we talked and talked, and her husband listened and was sweet and added a few of his thoughts. Sometimes we are exactly where we need to be.

Goodnight Indigos, sleep deeply with wonderful glimpses of our Angels.

dee

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi its just my selfish self stopping in....I am still not much better but have not thought about drowning myself anymore.......I am just existing; tired as all get out.....went out with a few friends....felt like only one really was interested in talking to me......found out I was not invited to a party that everyone else was.....not in the loop anyway; and my husband and I don t go or invite so I need to shut the heck up.....can t sleep even pills don t help any; I am just existing right now......How sad is that......I am thinking I need vitamins????? or a natural hormone????????????? I am a big whiner; my oldest daughter is mean.......she is mad a me cause I stood her up on babysitting but got her sister to watch the kids; I had work opportunties that I am not in a posistion to turn down....she told me her kids were not throw away kids and that I should of told them I could not work because I had other plans......I have not talked to her in a couple of weeks or seen my grandkids......then I signed up a lady the other day that lost her 7 year old daughter in a car accident 12 years ago....she is on a ton of drugs and that is the night I almost went in the pool thinking things are never going to get any better....sad tonight....crying tonigh.....I just want to keep saying I am sorry to just complaining and crying when it seems everyone here trys to help everyone.....yeah; like I used to ...I used to have a grip....what happened to me??????????????????????????? Love Tanner's Lonely and Lost Mom; Tanner would suffer so knowing how hurt I was.....and that hurts me. even more...here come the sweat the deep chest cryinging and tears.....yeah I am having a full blown pity party............sorry again and sorry for saying sorry all the time.....I am pitifull.......How do we do it though?????????????? Live without our child....my Tanner only 16????????????????????????????

[Guest]

Kathy - Mariah has said that to me...my reply was, "You're right, but I'm sure going to try my best."  Jasmine's anger toward me last night wasn't really personal.  It was just the fact that she would prefer her mommy.  You and I are the safest person in the world for these little ones to direct their anger and frustration at, Kathy.  The fact that Tavian feels safe is evident in the fact he then asked you to watch a movie with him.  He's just processing.  Gosh, I found myself resenting my step-daughter.  I wouldn't want her to be gone.  Not at all.  I just want my daughter.  I guess kids feel it, too.  You're doing a great job.  His remark felt personal, but it really wasn't about you...except that he is secure enough to express himself openly.  That speaks volumes. 

Colleen - How sad for that boy's family and the family of the 58 yr old.   When I joined this site six months ago, I told my son about Brian.  "Oh, we used to do that (car surf)" was his response.  My response was "When?  Where?  In whose car?"  I had no idea.  Not long ago some teenage boys were "joy riding" through the neighborhood.......radio blaring...windows rolled down....yelling out the windows.  Driving much to fast.  They would squeel their tires and rev their engine and then speed around again.  My son (same son) told me "leave them alone.  They're just kids having fun." 

I thought of you.  "No way!"  I said to him  "They're somebody's sons.  I'm calling the police.  Not to get them in trouble, but to save their lives."

I'm not sure I would have done that before reading your story.  Who knows, you may have inadvertently saved four young men's lives that night.

Lorri - Please be careful!  I don't know how the weather is there.  But, all the rain and rising lakes and rivers demand extreme caution (and high ground!)

"Why?  Are you over the birth of your kids?"  LOVE IT!!!  GONNA USE IT!!!

The parents and care providers joined the last hour of Grief Camp today as they released the butterflies.  We all stood in a circle and the story of the butterfly was read and then a poem.  Had myself a lil meltdown (as Lorri would say).  I just started sobbing.  Trying to control the sobs only brought out ugly gutteral sounds.  I kept apologizing because this wasn't for ME.  It was for the kids.  But, I was assured it was exactly okay.  Several of the butterflies landed on the kids.  The kids were so gentle as they allowed the butterfly to rest on their finger until the butterfly warmed up enough (it was quite cold here today) to fly away.

All week I have been looking forward to tonight.  The kids spent a few hours with their dad at Celebrate Recovery on Friday nights.  Two hours into my night "off" I began missing them terribly and went to pick them up myself.  Usually Gary does.  I was better as soon as I saw them.  "Grandma!"  Jasmine yelled out in her 7 yr old LOUD voice.  Before I knew it there were three sets of arms around my waist hugging me tight.  Apparently they missed me, too. 

And, now, I've talked long enough.  I'm beginning to get on my nerves.  I'm sitting here in bed with the TV on the Ads channel that local businesses use to buy space (kind of like a movie theater)  Elevator music is playing on it.  I've always liked elevator music.  Even as a child. 

Night all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[Guest]

Tanner's mom - You are not pitiful.  We are not pitiful.  You are raw.  Exposed.  We are similar to a young soldier being the only surviver while his buddies are blown to bits right in front of him.  Walking back to life.  Life?  He's dirty.  Bloody.  No tears fall.  He just goes through the motions.  He helps load his buddies bodies onto the chopper.  He writes the appropriate letters.  He sends his condolences.  He listens as his momma thanks God her son was spared, but doesn't share her gratitude.  Yet, he keeps going.  Keeps moving.  How long he keeps moving is anyone's guess.  But, his emotions will catch up with him.  It's the law of physics.  (not that I know anything about physics) 

He will have to get raw.  He will have to expose his pain.  It's not a pretty sight.  It's even scary for those who don't understand.  But, pitiful?  Never! 

Only those who have been where he has been will understand exactly what he's going through. 

That's us.  That's you.  That's me.  The soldier thought showing his emotions was a sign of weakness.  He will soon learn it is a sign of courage.  A sign of strength.

His world changed in an instant.  He no longer holds the grand ideals of his youth.  In an instant they were blown to pieces with his buddies.  He questions all his values.  Faith?  he claims he has none.

But, as he walks through the process of feeling.  The horribly painful, torturous process of healing........he soon realizes his life has a new reality.  The sun still shines, but he notices it differently than others.  Slowly...ever so slowly...he finds meaning.  he finds purppose.  Always behind his smile.........always in his now soft eyes........are the names of his buddies.  Always. 

Pitiful? 

Not in a million years!!  Not in a trillion!!

[daveydow1]

I have not been on BI as much lately.......When I come back, I have a lot of

reading to do. Thanks to each and every one for your insightful posts.

Dee---My goodness....your garden sounds just beautiful. So many lovely flowers.

Our veg. garden is coming along, although the rows are sometimes scant at the

end nearest the pine grove, due to creatures eating the plants. Deer ate all the

daylily plants in the front yard. Nice to hear that you are finished with school for

the summer, and will take a much-deserved rest. So very sad....the last time you

spoke to ERi on the phone the day she died. Brings back so many memories. We

have hummingbirds visiting the larkspurs at the back, and my husband is busy

with making a "Davey & Lisa Garden'. Roses and other plants/herbs. Hope your

sinus infection is cured soon......they are the 'bane of man', as my old DR. used to

say. Peace to you.

Kathy---I felt like telling something to these women who were blabbing in the

booth behind me. But, I knew I would end up crying (I cry when I'm angry:(). The

food I was eating stuck in my throat, and I got up and left the place. Yes, the

dumb people would change their minds if they had only a tiny fraction....one day

of our sorrow. Bless Tav. So good of you to let him express his feelings of sadness.

Leah---Yes, it would be easier for people to get over our tears than for us to get

over our sorrow, since that will go on until we meet our loved ones again.

Susannah---Your reply to your friend was perfect....the one from the man who

so wisely put it. Jasmine was also expressing her anger & sorrow at losing her

dear mommy. Good that she feels safe and secure enough to tell you how she

feels. Bless her.

Colleen---You are right.....we will be talking about our kids 20 yrs. from now, 30 yrs

from now...and have them in our hearts---if we're still on this earth. If not---then

we will be with them. Urn necklace is such a touching idea for your daughter.

As Anni said----Death is death....no matter how it happens. It is always final. Those

with sudden deaths--no warning....those who linger for awhile.....ANY way is so

painful. May your dear Brian smile down on you from above.

Carol----Sending thoughts & prayers for Ralph, you, and Cathi. Peace be with you.

Lorri----I so know what you mean......tough days ahead...Prayers for you and your

family.  I agree.....Bi is a lifeline.

Cindy-----Yes, grieving is hard work, and can make us feel so exhausted and

stressed out. Take care, friend.  Peace to you.

              Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry

[ericasmom]

Kath, I am glad that Tavian can let you know what is bothering him. What better way for this Child to learn that emotions are all part of life, showing them and learning about them, trusting them to you are all part of his growing up.

Sherry good to see you today, with Davey smiling his welcoming smile. Yep, those critters eating up plants, loving the lilies, must be like fresh asparagus is to us, or fresh and tender lettuces. We have larkspur too, I love larkspur, it comes up wherever the seeds landed from the year before, it is one of the prettiest flowers. I am so happy that your husband is working on the garden for Lisa and David. How very healing that might feel for he and you both.

Sus, I agree with what you said to Cindy. We are soldiers who are in a constant battle with ourselves, with the world, with reconciling the reality of our situations. OUr wounds are for all time, though some healing will occur, we will always have wounds. And we are not pitiful, we are humans who have been broken in pieces trying to find ways to be whole with holes.As far as saying "why did you ever get over the birth of your child?" I have told folks to say this to others when people put pressure on them to get over this...it does work. Shuts people right down, makes them think. Thinking is good.

Cindy, your daughter being mean to you is something you two will work out I hope. The last thing either of you need is more sadness. Perhaps she felt worried that she was unaware of your not being with her kids and feels less control in finding her sister there instead of you.What really happens in families when  a Child dies is the whole group is sent to spin in out-of-sinc-rotations. Everybody is out of kilter and everyone feels that awful sense of not having any control. We forget I think that the siblings of our Kids are feeling like ships without an anchor. WE change so much, they change too, but we are adrift in our grief as they are in theirs, and we often are unable to reach them. I hope that you and your Daughter will be able to reach out to one another to find ways to regroup.

Cindy, summer hits hard for many of us. We see the kids our Kids went to school with having fun, out there growing up where our kids aren't. It is the season that brings so many memories of our Child, the things we did, the vacations we took, just all that material that tugs on our hearts so heavily. On one hand, those are the memories that keep us fed, let us see that our Child was here and was a happy human. But when we are low, those same memories might serve to help us sink under their weight. Hang on. When you said you may need some vitamins, talk to a doctor. I take vitamin C, though forgot for about a week and got sick with this sinus thing. But vitamin B taken daily not only help turn your food into energy, thus helping with the tiredness, but also act as mood elevators. You may be also dealing with menopausal issues, saying that because many of us are in that age group, and the dip of estrogen can cause moodiness, which on top of grief, is greater than those without grief. Don't feel that you are a pitiful person, you are sad, you are perhaps reacting to several underlying topics that get you down. We are not on a linear path, grief goes up and down mountains, peaks and valleys, and there are times we are in deep caverns of grief, finding light and a way out are difficult, but can be done. Hang on and stay here for a while to get your bearings again.

[shorty16]

Hello Indigos

Scott and I took AJ, Lukas (our nephew) and Arianna (AJ's gf) to the Lakefront to see an air show.  Military air show, Blue Angels, etc..  Well, the cloud cover was at 400ft.  They could not fly below the cloud cover and we did not see a thing.

Played in the sand for about 1.5 hours than went to Mo's Irish pub and watched the end of the World cup game between Eng and USA.  Tied.

Now we are home.  Even though the day did not go as planned, we still had fun. 

Take care my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Dee and all

My Brian's angel day is June 19 and Kourtney's in June 17.  Lorri suffered so much longer than I did (over 7 months longer). 

Two lives gone in two totally different ways - but has forever bound Lorri's family and ours, because of the calendar.

June of 2008, Michelle's Graduation had just taken place, we had a party planned for July 12, 2008 to celebrate Michelle's graduation, AJ's confirmation and our 20th wedding anniversary all on Brian's 17 birthday.

Then June 19, 2008 happened.

The planet I was on split in two and I am now heading into a totally new direction.

WOW

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Col, the month of June holds so much for your family and your hearts. My heart to you as you find ways to travel this emotional terrain. And you are traveling in a new direction, finding ways to celebrate that which we have and honor those that have changed the shape of our hearts.

Blessings to you and to Lorri and to Sherry as June finds you all balancing life with loss.

dee

[mikesmum]

Dee - Just posted I see.  I have a visual of you sitting in your garden, observing, noting and just being.  How I wish my tickets were still in my hand and I was winging my way to experience that.  7yrs since Miss Eri graced the earth.  No platitudes about what she's up to now.....7yrs..in the blink of an eye.

Carol - One less kidney in the family - personally I think sometimes they can be overrated.  Coming from an 'English' family, steak and kidney pud was something I can live without....All jokes aside...hearts to you and yours as you battle through another life challenge.  Good luck with the cyberknife. At least you have them.  Here in the colonies we are trailing behind.

Colleen - My Wisconsin buddy. The planet I was on split in two and I am now heading into a totally new direction. So many positive milestones around that date forever impacted by losing Brian.  All here try so hard to find that light of postive - you stand out for me.  I guess it was seeing you (remember room key night), feeling the palpable pain as you spoke of Brian, then watching as you reached out to ease the ache of those who now walk in your shoes.  The anniversaries are such a minefield.  Just as we walk and breath a little better boom one comes along and sees us down. 

Kathy - You know my heart is with you as you raise your grandboy.  He knows in his heart Jess is gone, like us, he struggles with the feelings.  But how secure does he feel with you to be able to speak his heart safe in the knowledge that you are his Mi-mi.  Love you telling him how Jess taught you to be a mummy.  Aint it the truth all round.   I get the anger thing, but unfortunately the mouth engages, the brain leaves the room and while my point is made politely it sometimes shows my intolerance to the 'stupid people'.

Susannah - Another woman whose strength amazes me daily.  Raising grandkids on the back of the 'life choices' our kids make that take us to heck and back...never going to be easy.  Your words and out pouring of support for those who travel here is something to behold.  

Sherry - Love seeing Davey's pic...another smiling angel. The garden sounds beautiful attracting the busy humming bird.  Lisa and Davey's garden.

Lorri - Another angel looking straight into your heart as you take her picture.  Thats why I love Mike Avatar - He's looking straight at me.  Not dodging the camera, smiling with the pride of being an Uncle.

Cindy - I get it so well.  There are times when I think it menopause, the weather, age, insanity, when truth be told, like Colleen, my world split in two.  I grieve my son, a world I find to isolate me from the other.  In that other world I have two surviving children and grandbabies.  The grandbabies get it.  My youngest son, while he says he doesn't know how I go on, has an expectation that I should and now would be a good time...

As for those who from the comfort of their own intact 'perfect' families - pity them for they know not of what they speak.

We received a summons here for my other half.  Six months after Mike died 3 young people from our town were killed in car crash.  The driver escaped with minor injuries, his girlfriend died at the scene. A young boy received extensive injuries and survived, the third, a young girl died later that week when her life supported was turned off.  Mal attended her.

The boy was hunted all over this state in the months that ensued.  He was the focus of angry grief. 

Now 3 yrs on he is being charged with a number of offences.  No he wasn't drinking, no drugs and his speed wasn't a factor.  Inexperience as a driver - oh yeah.  But the girl Mal attended wasn't wearing a seatbelt.  She would have survived.  Mechanism of injury (they hit a huge tree) caused her to be flung through the car like a rag doll.  That in itself cause injuries to the others.

No one wants to ever hear that their child died, let alone that they may have in some way contributed to their own death.   I know from experience that is a pain that never ever goes away.

Sorry if I seem a bit down....niece makes her debute tonight. Baby brothers girl.  He and I are the 'family' of lost children looking for the positive light to make this her night.  Last time we went to a deb, Mike, Melissa and Steven were the focus.

Pics for the day.....

Muttley has a friend who jumps the fence....unfortunately getting back over is a bit of a problem

This is the last (?) bloom in Mikes garden before the harsh winter sets in. 

Rugged up walking the puppy before fussing for tonights night.

 

[tanmanmymagicman]

dee, thanks for your kind words.....my sister brough me some natural vitiams that she takes for memopause so I will start those I am took a all in one vitiman this morning ; with food and still got sick to my stomache.....

Yeah I know my daughter was counting of me to babysit but I was not just leaving her without support....my youngest daughter babysits for her alot so I still don't know why it turned out to be this ordeal....I just know it hurts....I have seen my daugher since then and she just ignored me like I was not even in the room....oh hurt again ; thank you.......

I am going to be OK and back on track and strong again.....tomorrow to the store for fresh fruits and healthy things....hope ice cream is healthy....Love and thanks to all you wonderful people here......I would totally be lost without you guys here.....I am not ALONE even though it feels like I am the only one that has lost a child......

Blessings to Everyone; and thanks again dee and all for all the great; understandable words........I wish we all lived closer so we could have an afternoon tea session; oh how I would love that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love; Cindy; Tanner's mom

 

[summergirl]

Hello dear indigo's - it is another late night so I will defintely catch up tomorrow.

Wanted to say thank you for all the wonderful insights about Tavian.....Dee you made me stop and think when you asked what had went on before the remark he made.....well, Barry and I were talking about a 4 year old little boy who was beaten by his mother's boyfriend for 4 days before his aunt found him lying on his bedroom floor and rushed to the hospital but could not be saved.....did not realize that Tavian was hearing what we were talking about......he asked me about the little boy later on so I told him as much as I thought he could handle, he said he was very sad that the little boy was an Angel now and I said "there are lots of good mommy Angel's in Heaven to help take care of him now and he will be loved, happy and never be hurt again........How stupid was I !!!  Tav looked at me and said "is my mommy taking care of him now" and he got very sad !!!   I hugged him and told him his mommy would always be his mommy first but this little boy is an Angel now so she will help the other mommies take care of him in Heaven. Tav smiled at that and then went to play, when he came back in about an hour later is when he said what he said to me.....so I guess I did not edit my brain before the words came out of my mouth......I never should have told him that his mommy was going to help take care of the little boy. I think it is what upset him not to mention the fact that the boy was just 4 as Tav was when Jess left us.    Anyway, today is another day and he is his "normal" self once again.      You all have given me much to be thankful for with your words and from now on I must think before I answer some of his questions.  I know in my heart that I am doing what I need to do and I am proud of myself and Barry but I hate it when I hurt that little boy    I do not know how I would survive all of this without all of you.

All my love, peace and strength to all.  Promise to catch up tomorrow with all. Kathy

 

[shorty16]

Good to see you posting, Cindy!!!

Your Friend, Colleen

[ericasmom]

Oh heavens Kath, I don't think that you should edit as your response was GREAT, telling Tav that his Momma showed you what to do or taught you how to take care of him was a wonderful response and not planned nor needing any change. Finding out though that he heard you and Barry makes sense as to how he reacted, but still, I don't think your answer was at all out of line, it simply says to a young child that even when we hurt adn miss someone so dear as Jess/Momma, we all try to help out the next person, even adn especially in heaven. I bet the circumstances of this little guy's death must tear you up, and make Tavian wonder how something so heinous can happen to a child. Those kinds of realities often are difficult for any child, heck, for we adults as well. Kathy, you did not hurt Tavian with what you said, you were right-on with your comment, and it sounds like you did not miss a beat.

Cindy, I am still so sorry that your Daughter is being mean to you. It is uncalled for and certainly not good for either of you. Does your Daughter have some anger issues anyhow, even before Tanner was killed? Is she pissed at the world and like so many of our Kids, takes it out on Mom cause Mom is going to still love you later on...? Remember that your feeling weak caused you to come here, and in my mind, coming here is a sign of reaching out, and reaching out is the opposite of being weak, it is finding a way to be supported. WE Can't do everything on our own, we are social beings, andin our Losses, we need folks around us that 'get it.' I too wish that we could sit with coffeee or tea in a place that allows our tears adn our laughter, as I am sure that there would be plenty of both.

So let's have a virtual tea time, and tell me, what kind of tea would you have if we could share a cup? Do you use sugar, lemon, or honey or none of the above? Do you use milk? I drink cup after cup of black strong cofffee each day, though I seem to be cutting down a bit. I raise my cup to you or I will tomorrow morning, as the new day begins and I shall pray that it offers much better vibes.

Trudi, so nice to see your Boy smiling out at the world. So handsome. Well yes, I too wish that I could have you sitting here too, staring out at the giant bees dancing over the flowers, and the dragonflies resting on the flowerbed sides. It is a peace filled place most days. Maybe another time but if so and if not, I do carry you into my garden, sharing my heart with you.

MEERKATS!

[Guest]

Kathy - I agree with Dee.  Your response to Tavian about that little boy was perfect.  I know how it is, though.  Questioning our words....trying to do our best.  Wanting only the best for them.  I guess we just keep doing the best we can one step at a time.  One word at a time.  How in the world do we shield them from the ugliness of this world?  I guess we just try to show them there is beauty, too. Sometimes we have to look hard to find it, but it is there.

 

 

[Guest]

Dee -  May I join you for virtual tea?  I prefer coffee, too.  Hazelnut creamer and sweetner. 

 

[ericasmom]

The coffee is brewing, and there is plenty of tea as well. Out of honey. OH, you'll have to bring your flavored dairy stuff, husband and I drink it black and strong.

Going to the gym...talk with you all later.

[shorty16]

Susannah and Dee,

I want to join you two also.  I have honey, but I will bring to coffee and the cream.  Scott tells me I polute my coffee with cream.

Very cloudy day today.

Dee is you head in the clouds also in IL?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

BACK FROM CAMPING FOR THE NIGHT....

TODAY IS THE DAY 2 YRS AGO WE RELIZED KOURTNEY WAS GOING DOWN HILL AND HER BLOOD WAS "POOLING"...SO WE TOOK HER TO MUSKOGEE HOSP...THEY FOUND A BLEED AND SENT US TO OU...(I THINK MAYBE I HAVE THIS WRONG???)...ANYWAYS

TOMARROW MARKS THE DAY WHERE WE DESIDED TO "LET HER GO AND UNPLUG HER FROM THE MACHINES"...(WHICH WAS OUR SATURDAY B4 FATHERSDAY(...WE THOUGHT SHE WOULD PASS ON FATHERSDAY BUT SHE HELD ON TIL TUESDAY (THIS YRS THURSDAY) JUNE 17TH...JUST REALLY DEPRESSED AND DARK CANT SEEM TO ENJOY ANYTHING AND HAVE VERY VERY SHORT FUSE FOR SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT....

IVE DECIDED TO PUT IN THE PAPER FOR HER ANGELVERSARY ONE OF THE 3 SONGS... CANT DECIDE BETWEEN

LEGACY, OR SAVE A PLACE FOR ME (WHICH DO YAL LIKE?)..LET ME KNOW.

OK HAVE A BLESSED DAY..SORRY IM NO FUN...

[daveydow1]

Lorrie-----It makes me sad.....the medical circ**stances leading up to sweet

Kourtney's leaving this world. Yes....June is a difficult month. Of course, it's

always difficult and a real 'bear' to live with grief. I will pray hard that you &

your family can find comfort in your memories of your dear daughter. Soar high,

sweet Kourtney.

Trudi----What a lovely pink rose.....maybe the last for your garden this season.

Also, thanks for the pics......cute doggies. You are right----people don't, and can't,

know how it feels to lose a child, unless they have been in our shoes---a place

where no one ever wants to be, but here we are. Peace & prayers.

Cindy----I agree with Dee and Susannah about the tiff with your daughter. I

hope that the situation will have a way of working itself out, and that your

relationship with your daughter will improve.  I wish you comfort.

Dee---Yes....the garden is a place of serenity. I must tell you about an incident

yesterday. My husband got out the lg. John Deere mower, and started to mow. He

came near the tool shed which sits only about 50 or 60 ft. from our house. Out

came a dear little fawn.....it ran across our yard, across the field, and into the

woods where its mother would no doubt find it. When we looked in the long iris

bed that lines the side of the shed, we found the place where the fawn was

laying. My husband said it had the spots on its body, and long gangly-type legs,

and was able to run swiftly. (I told him that maybe it had been a dog).  We just

surmised that during the night, when deer are feeding on our flowers :?, the doe

sensed some sort of danger.....(we've seen fox & coyote near the big woods), and

hid her fawn in that  nearby iris bed, and he was waiting for her to come back for

 him. Then, when the mower came near, he made a break for it and ran to the

 woods. We just were dismayed that he was within such a close proximity to the

house. The wonders of nature  .

Betsy----Sending thoughts & prayers your way.

              Peace & Tranquility to all here at the BI.

                      Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

[daveydow1]

Lorrie-----It makes me sad.....the medical circumstances leading up to sweet

Kourtney's leaving this world. Yes....June is a difficult month. Of course, it's

always difficult and a real 'bear' to live with grief. I will pray hard that you &

your family can find comfort in your memories of your dear daughter. Soar high,

sweet Kourtney.

Trudi----What a lovely pink rose.....maybe the last for your garden this season.

Also, thanks for the pics......cute doggies. You are right----people don't, and can't,

know how it feels to lose a child, unless they have been in our shoes---a place

where no one ever wants to be, but here we are. Peace & prayers.

Cindy----I agree with Dee and Susannah about the tiff with your daughter. I

hope that the situation will have a way of working itself out, and that your

relationship with your daughter will improve.  I wish you comfort.

Dee---Yes....the garden is a place of serenity. I must tell you about an incident

yesterday. My husband got out the lg. John Deere mower, and started to mow. He

came near the tool shed which sits only about 50 or 60 ft. from our house. Out

came a dear little fawn.....it ran across our yard, across the field, and into the

woods where its mother would no doubt find it. When we looked in the long iris

bed that lines the side of the shed, we found the place where the fawn was

laying. My husband said it had the spots on its body, and long gangly-type legs,

and was able to run swiftly. (I told him that maybe it had been a dog).  We just

surmised that during the night, when deer are feeding on our flowers :?, the doe

sensed some sort of danger.....(we've seen fox & coyote near the big woods), and

hid her fawn in that  nearby iris bed, and he was waiting for her to come back for

 him. Then, when the mower came near, he made a break for it and ran to the

 woods. We just were dismayed that he was within such a close proximity to the

house. The wonders of nature:).

Betsy----Sending thoughts & prayers your way.

              Peace & Tranquility to all here at the BI.

                      Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

[ericasmom]

Lorr, sorry for the heartache, it is the hardest part, aside from the daily getting along, the yearly mark is most difficult. Tomorrow marks a passage of time and waiting for you guys. Think of what she offered to everyone during those dark days of waiting...were there stories and unity through them, then maybe legacy would be the song for you. I remember the waiting, and somehow that was filled with some of the magic that I hang on to on my darkest days. The unity, the promise of holding her deep in so many hearts, the stories that I would have never heard had she left quickly, but waiting, waiting for those 6 days allowed everyone the chance to remember aloud, to share to be brought closer through the stories. If I could wrap my arms around you and soothe your ache I would, but I know that only the calendar pages will alleviate some of this, the passage of time. I am holding you in my heart, all the time.

Yes Col, cloudy and muggy and my sinus infection feels worse instead of better, don't quite get that, been on meds for 4 days. I have a cough now that I did not have prior. So I am just relaxing now. HOpe your day is good.

Love to all Indigos,

dee

[Guest]

I know there is no easy way to lose a child.  I've been thinking about those of you who have had to sit by their child while they were so sick.  Making the decision to turn off the machines.  Those like Dee, whose child lived for a few days after such a terrible accident.  That time "inbetween". 

In some ways, I think it might have been easier for me.  Steph was here and then she was gone.  There wasn't the time of hoping, praying, agonizing. I'm so sorry!!

I don't know if I've told you about my oldest daughter.  She will be 31 in three days.  She was born with multiple congentital anomalies.  She spent most of her first two years in the hospital.   I have lost track of all the surgeries she's had.  We were told she wouldn't live to be one and then she wouldn't live to be 2.  There was a time when I prayed she would die.  She had been in the hospital for 4 straight months.  An IV was put in one of the main arteries in her neck.  She had no food or drink by mouth for those four months.  I was young and ignorant.  I didn't know being on a ventilator meant she couldn't breath on her own.  But, boy did I learn quickly.   How well I remember the day I locked myself in the bathroom and prayed fervently that if God couldn't heal her to please take her.  I hated seeing my tiny baby going through so much.

More surgeries.  More tests.  More hospital stays.

She has no large intestines, no rectim, and very little small intestine.  She has four kindneys....and, lots of other stuff wrong with her urinary track, but, somehow something works there, so they haven't messed with it.  Her bottom five vertebrae are fused together.  She had a complete hysterectomy a some years back, but still has several "masses" in her abdominal cavity. 

She has now moved to New Hampshire where there is better medical.  We are hoping she will be a good candidate for an intestinal transplant.  A uroligest is going to look at her kidneys to see if she has any healthy "extra's" that can be used to donate.  They've left them alone before because we don't know which ones work and which ones don't.  Logically, none of them should work.  They're in the wrong place and the uretors are implanted in the wrong place on her enlarged bladder. 

Wow.  Initially, my intention is sharing was to tell you I understand a little bit about the "hospital" thing.  After typing this, however, I realize I'm a bit nervous.  A couple of years ago she began treatment for cervical cancer.  She and I talked about what would happen if she died.  I told her I'm sure I would grieve, but the way I look at it, she's been on borrowed time for the last 29 years so while I would grieve terribly, I would remember to thank God for allowing me to have her all these years.

She took that to mean I didn't care if she died.  I corrected her real quick!!

On Stephanie's memorial site she said it should have been her instead.  I guess she has to work through all that.  All I can do is remind her and validate her and tell her I'm so glad she lives!!

She's a beautiful woman.  To look at her you would never guess there was anything wrong with her.  She has taught me more about compassion than any other living being.  I'll find a decent picture of her to post.

Susannah/ Their mother!   I didn't bother with spell check...

[Guest]

Amanda and I the day she left for New Hampshire (last month).  Animals and children are naturally attracted to her.  She has a gift with them.

[Guest]

Amanda playing the WII game Christmas 2009.  Notice the pink orb around Mariah in the background.

[mysonrich]

Hi Indigo's, I've been here. reading. Angel dates and dates when mom's and dad's had to turn off machines. gardens, grand kids,the beach,grief camp,race tracks and, my boys birthday. June 14,1988.

some things have occurred. of course my mom died. she had a stroke a couple years ago. the mom that use to run circles around her kids, grown kids, older mom. the way i see it, she is running again. I have her urn here. Its a neat urn, if urns can be neat. we all have keepsake urns, a clock with a place for a photo. my brother took her ashes, or his share of ashes and spread them over the endless mountains , her home.

 

while I was on my way to see her one last time in the hospital I had to rent a car. my van yells and screams when I hit those mountains. poor thing. so I'm driving in my rental, thinking, "gee, how am I going to pay for this too" So I said a prayer. On the way "up" I called my employer, a temp agency, (since the other regular place just had to be left behind) the temp agency said, " don't come back". I mentally flipped them the bird and drove on to see my mom. Within an hour I received a call. You see, the night before I filed my resume', on a whim. Guess who called?! yup. They wanted to see me right away. I told them i was almost in NY state and would be in there first thing in the morning and, I was. On a handshake, " would you like to work with us"? ...hell ya ha ha

funny thing is Indigo's, the name of the company is my sons middle name and it was founded in his birth year. coincidence? I don't know?

 

another twist and another turn.just doing the best I can.

Betsy,myson;Rich

 

 

it was windy that day.

 

the eyes are the windows to the soul

[shorty16]

Hello Indigos

Just a quiet day here in Wisconsin.  Cloudy with short rain showers - nothing big.

Rich's Mom, I am thinking of you and your son's birthday tomorrow.  To me---Brian's birthday is the hardest of all days.  It always brings me back to the day he was born.  Tough little guy - went full term.  8lbs 1oz.

Rich's Mom, All our angels are celebrating with your son, Rich.  While us left behind are thinking of you and your family.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[summergirl]

Betsy - absolutely NOT a coincidence....your Rich and your mom taking care of you. I am so happy for you. Have missed Rich's smiling face...

Suz - you are so much stronger than you think and sounds like that daughter of yours is one great woman....to be living each day with the amount of medical problems she has is a miracle.....   Thank you for your repsonse, yes, all we can do is try to see the good things amongst the bad.   LOVE THE ORB !!

Dee - thanks, I feel better when you guys tell me with your sweet honesty how you see things....I want to sugar-coat things with Tavian but I cannot always do it. I want him to always know the truth even if it hurts because Barry and I will be there to see him through it.   The story of the little boy tore me in half, I cried as I watched the video, my body shaking to think of such cruel people in this world but he is safe now in the arms of the Angels.  

Lorri - sweetie there is nothing I can say that will ease your pain, the days leading up to, the day of and the days after can rip us apart, send us back in time and keep us there....even though we have come so far on this journey we will always have set backs that bring us to our knees. Virtual hugs to you my friend.

It started out as another crappy day, cloudy and humid but Tavian had his friend Skyler come over for a couple of hours and then I took them to see the Karate Kid....it was great and the boys loved it.......so it ended up to be a great day....

Back to work tomorrow---yuk----but thankful that I have a great job, just not so fond of the woman I work for, she really needs to retire, she is almost 80 and although I think it is wonderful that anyone at the age can do what she does, she is beginning to forget things....etc.  Hopefully with the new retirement incentive they are coming up with she will take it.

Love, peace and strength my friends, Kathy

[aviemare]

I'm sitting here alone tonight.  I like being alone.  Too much, I think.

Husband is working a 16 hour shift and son is with his girlfriend.  It just occurred to me that it has only been about 10 weeks since Nicole died!  It seems like a year has passed.  It's all so very weird.  So many odd paradoxes I've encountered.  My daughter Nicole died on April 2nd of 2010 at 26 years of age.  My property manager's daughter Sherry (my first name is Scherry!) died 26 years ago.  The other day I was in WalMart and an older woman (employee) came up to me.  She made some compliment about my hair but I knew that was not why she was approaching me.  I said: "Thank you SO much, but what is REALLY troubling you?"  She got all teary-eyed and said that today was her son David's birthday.  He died 26 years ago.   David is Nicole's fiance and the father of her child. 

People seem to seek me out and then start talking to me out of the blue about their dead children.  Am I some sort of magnet?  All my life I have had empathic abilities (I'm a Cancer, of course!) but when I started suffering Fibro and other chronic pain, my ability to pretty much FEEL and KNOW the emotions of others became highly intensified.  My telepathic abilities also grew to a point that even my skeptical husband admitted it was "weird."

I have only begun to learn to "shield" myself from the emotions of others, for it was crushing me to have to deal with my own pain and the problems of others.  It is an ongoing journey.

I suspect this might be because prolonged pain can often awaken a part of the subconscious mind that might be sleepy or dormant for many years.  I liken this to other cultures that use mind-altering drugs and pain (Native American Sun Dance for example) to put the spirit mind into an altered state.  This can be for healing, spiritual awakening, divining the future, crop issues...too many to name. 

I have always used meditation to control my pain and lessen my need for drugs.  My latest blunder, a fractured spine, is really pestering me.  I can't do much of anything right now.  So to keep sane, I meditate a lot.  I can be laying on the bed for hours, perfectly capable of hearing what is going on around me, but not feeling my body.  I look at the clock and it's gone from 7am to 11am and I think minutes have passed!

Has anyone else experienced this type of phenomenon from grief/chronic pain?

Oh, PS.  Since Nicole died, she has paid several visits (one VERY dramatic) to us, focusing on her daddy, who was a life-time skeptic of the "other side."  She also flung a nightlight all the way across the kitchen, it bashed into the opposite broom closet, and ricocheted into the center of the kitchen, where it spun for about 15 seconds before slowly coming to a stop.  Interestingly, my mother in law witnessed it as well.  She had been very mean to Nicole and used her as a scapegoat in all the family problems.  Wonder if Nicole was trying to hit her with it! HAHA  It was one of the most blatant visual episodes that I have EVER seen, TV or otherwise.  Real GHOST HUNTERS stuff!  My MIL turned pale as a ghost and admitted she had seen the entire incident when I asked her.

Little wonder, tho.  That night, everyone Nikki loved was in our house:  Dave her finance and her baby Nick, James and I, all her brothers, sisters, and their kids.  Nicole always had a flair for getting herself noticed, and she sure worked it out this time!

Peace & Happy Trail, Indies.

Anni

[aviemare]

Umm...HELL-O.  I forgot to post the poem I wrote.  I went blabbering off on something else.  Typical. 

[align=center]The Club[/align]

[align=center]Hi there.  How are you?  So you’re new to the Club?[/align] [align=center]No matter; no judgments. In here, we don’t snub.[/align] [align=center]Sit down.  Have a drink. Won’t you tell us your Story?[/align] [align=center]If at first you can’t speak, that’s just fine.  We won’t worry.[/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center]What is their Name? And when did they leave?[/align] [align=center]You’re crying.  That’s fine. It’s how all parents grieve.[/align] [align=center]There, there.  Here’s a tissue. Just keeping it real.[/align] [align=center]In this joint we all know how you really feel![/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center]Hey look!  Two seats over.  That’s Anni & Jim.[/align] [align=center]Drunker than skunks from the pain that they’re in.[/align] [align=center]And way over yonder against that far wall…[/align] [align=center]that’s Mary the Mother; she weeps for us ALL.[/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center]Was it illness?  A car crash? A suicide?  Drugs?[/align] [align=center]In here, it’ don’t matter. We’re all about hugs![/align] [align=center]But although you have signed up and paid the Club’s price,[/align] [align=center]we can’t guarantee that all visits are nice.[/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center]We admit there is cursing and screaming and rage.[/align] [align=center]But here it’s no problem.  Your grief has a stage.[/align] [align=center]But hey!  We do Birthdays.  And Angel Days too![/align] [align=center]We tailor our program to what works for you.[/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center]Remember our faces.  Thanks for coming on in.[/align] [align=center]For the Club has no drop-outs.[/align] [align=center]We will all meet again![/align][align=center]

[/align][align=center]S.Anni Clarke

[/align]

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

DAVEY DEAR,

Seven in Heaven.

A sad day this one is, marking 7 years since you left. Please hold on to your Momma and Pop as they find their way on this most difficult day. Let them feel your perfect soul so that they can take comfort in your peace.Let them know how dearly you love them.

With Love,

dee

[ericasmom]

RICH,

a special day because you came into the world. I hope that your spirit flies freely and that you send energy to your Momma and Sister so that they feel your freedom.

[hotrod]

                    DEAR RICH

                          

 

  

DEAR BETSY MAY WARM MEMORIES OF YOUR WONDERFUL SON, RICH WARM YOU THIS SPECIAL DAY

 

BETTY STEPHEN'SMOM

[ericasmom]

Anni, what a clever poem. Your usage of meter adn rhyme is very nice.

 I am sorry that you are in further pain with your spinal fracture. OW! though glad that you can meditate. Yes, I have for nearly 7 years now, tried to understand the warp of time that occurs when we lose a child. I can look back now and see the dates adn know that it is 7, but I cannot understand where 7 years have gone. I am older, look it, feel it, but I have had 7 years of students since ERi died? Seems impossible. It could have been last week that I last talked with ERica. Time remains an abstract to me even now. I have always had an interest and belief in energies or ghosts or spirits. I have had experiences with situations that could be termed unusual or odd, and I have had dreams in my life that somewhat foretell. I had a series of nightmares about Erica starting in April of 2003 and ending in late May. In each of the first 3 something was about to kill ERi, but I could not see and woke screaming each time, waking my husband, who was unable to calm me. The fourth and final dream from that series was her funeral, me at the front of the church telling folks that this is not why we have kids, we never have kids thinking we might have to bury them, and in that I was sobbing, and woke myself sobbing, woke the husband too, and I continued to weep after I woke. She died in July of 2003.

Sus, nice photos of your Girl. She is a trooper that is for sure, battling her whole life to just keep going. God bless.

Well after several cups of tea, a glass of warm water and cider vinegar, and various other hopeful remedies, I continue to hack adn cough and hope that I will be able to sleep. I begin teaching a class, co-teaching, tomorrow. It is for teachers in our district adn we are teaching about writing, both personal journal keeping and poetry, and ways to bring writing alive in the classroom. wish me luck.

[hotrod]

 

                            DEAR DAVEY

REMEMBERING YOUR BEAUTIFUL SMILE AND GENTLE SPIRIT ON THIS YOUR SPECIAL  ANGEL DAY.

PLEASE TOUCH MOM AND DAD WITH YOUR WARMTH

BETTY STEPHEN'SMOM