Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

Lorri:  Love the pics of you and Kimmy with both your sets of wheels...when does Kimmy go to Florida?  Has she not started yet?  Good luck to Kody tonight and tomorrow...have fun.  Sounds like the gathering at your pool is going to be fun. 

SHE GOES TO LAGUNA BEACH FIRST WK IN JUNE CODY ( HER HUBBY ) GETS TO GO WITH HER....

YA SHES SO EXCEITED HAVING A GOOD CAR WITH LOW MILEAGE...BUT I NO MY GIRL SHE WONT TAKE CARE OF IT..

LOTS OF MARGARITAS DRANK TOODAY THINK I GOT IT FIGURED OUT...MMMMM

LOVE YAL GOING RACING

[daveydow1]

Dianet---I have been off BI for awhile, but I am so sorry for your loss of

your dear son, Matthew. Bi is a great site, and has been a lifeline for many'

of us. Come back & post/read and tell us about your son, when you are ready

to do so. Everyone here understands your pain and sorrow. Peace to you.

Amanda---Soooooo cute....little Ashton's pics. Man, he's growing too. Thanks.

Dee---Bless that little 5th grade boy who lost his brother in the Iraq war. So

sad. I hope he can work through his grief ok.

I just got back from my visit to my older son.....4 hr. drive. Had a nice time.

Good to be home, now.  Peace & tranquility to all of the BI Family.

             Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry

[zachysmom]

Haven't been around due to some life issues but I wanted to share my son's monument

[mikesmum]

Beth - That georgeous little man.  The monument is wonderful.  I know you heart aches to have him with you.  Thoughts with you -  Trudi

[shorty16]

Indigos

We finally did it.  We traded in my 2001 Buick LeSabre for a 2008 Dodge Avenger.  3.5L, 254 HP, 4 door, navigation, voice recognition, DVD player, moon roof, the works.

Well under what I wanted to spend.  It sure is not a Mercedes, but I can handle the payments.

I am so happy, Brian would love this car.

Colleen

[mikesmum]

Colleen - Had to Google images cause non of the vehicles you mentioned are here (I think).   Gotta hope the Suburban still lives on!!!

Kathy - I forgot to answer you about the picture uploads.  I got frustrated losing posts due to my pic files being too large.

Someone here suggested Photobucket.  It costs nothing and is easy to up load.  Follow the easy instructions and voila!  It gives you the link for each different place you might use the image.  For posting in this field I use the IMG link.

One of the 'old' roads in town......love the sprinkling of yellow as the trees shed for winter....taken on a daily walk with the man....Muttley.

[shorty16]

Indigos

I am having way toooo much fun with my car.    Since it has nav, it also has a screen saver.  Michelle and I are going shopping today and I uploaded an image of her and Jake making funny faces.  That is my screen saver - she will yell, screem, say OMG..MOM you picked that one::::::

I am copying CD's to the internal hard drive of this car.  Then I do not have to carry CD's.

To Fun

Colleen

[lolynbo]

LOL WE DO THAT ON OUR NAV TOO...PICS OF KOURTNEY

ZACKYS MOM...LOOKS NICE SWEETY...LOVE HIS LIL FACE

I HAVE A BANDAGE ON MY FINGER AND CANT TYPE WELL SO JUST TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IM SAYN 

WE FOUND A DEAD SNAKE IN THE POOL YEST AND AND IT WAS LIL, SO I KEPT PUTTIN IT ON KIMMY AND SHE WLD FREAK OUT....WELLL THIS MORN I FORGOT IT WAS ON THE TABLE AND IT FREAKED ME OUT LOL

KODY GOT 4TH AND WE RACE AGAIN TONIGHT...HE GOT SPUN AROUND RIGHT AT CHECKERED FLAG SO MONTY SAID KODY SAID SOME BAD WORDS....AND KODY ALSO SAID HE WAS VISITING THAT GUYS PIT TONIGHT,,,YA MY GENTLE GIANT GONNA SAY SOMETHING UGLY TO SOMEONE....DOUBT IT...

I FELT YESTERDAY AS IF I SAW KOURTNEY A FEW TIMES..IN BROOKE...BROOKE NOTICED I WAS LOOKING AT HER WEIRD...JUST FOR SPLIT SECOND I THOUGHT IT WAS KOURTNEY...WEIRD DO YAL DO THAT?

[ericasmom]

Morning all,

I went for an early morning ride on my bike, before it got too hot. NOw it is hot. SO I am in and going to clean a bathroom and go grocery shopping, then finish my report cards.

Beth, Zachy's spot is very pretty, peaceful looking. I wish you a good quiet weekend, and hope that the health issues are improving. Love to you and yours.

Love the snake story Lor.

Col, is the BEAST still motoring? Love the BEAST but glad for you with your new vehicle.

Trudi, what  a pretty lane to walk, enjoy the changes, let them remind you of the order in nature, the cycle of life, the plan that was never ours and let us walk with peace under unplanned skies.

dee

[lolynbo]

BAD BAD CAR WRECK LAST NIGHT WE SAW IT RIGHT AFTER IT HAPPEND...A DRUNK DRIVER T BONED A YOUNG BOY...HIS LIFE HANGS IN GODS HANDS...HE IS 19 OR SO HIS NAME IS BEN...THEY ARE AT OU WHERE WE LIVED FOR SOLONG IN THE CITY..HIS FORD TRUCK WASNT AS WIDE A VW WHEN THE DRUNK GOING 80MPH HIT HIM...PLZ PRAY FOR THIS FAMILY...THE FATHER OF THIS BOY JUST DIED LAST YR OR SO..DROWNING ACC OF SOME KIND

[ericasmom]

Prayers are being said and launched Lorri, so sorry for the sadness that will now befall the family and friends of both parties. How very tragic. I know how upsetting seeing what you witnessed can be, so please take care of you too.

My friend Marion fell off her bike last week and had surgery on Wednesday to repair her face which was broken in many places. Marion hit the ground with her face and so there was a lot of damage. She lives 4 doors down, her daughter Michelle flew home from Colorado where she lives to help out. Michelle and Eri went to school together all their lives. Marion is loopy from all of her meds, so cute. Poor thing though, that was a bad fall and she is out of work for at least 3 weeks.

[summergirl]

Hello Idigo's.

just a quick hello as we are all very tired. Spent the day at Gin Beach with some friends, beautiful weather, sunny, hot and Tavian had a great time swimming. It was another "good day"......

I promise to catch up with all tomorrow when I am not so loopy from weariness. Love to all....Kathy

[ericasmom]

Glad that you had a beach day Kathy, how fun that sounds. Is Tav becoming as brown as a berry?

I am off to bed too, just very tired and feel as though I did some good things today. Outdoors much of the day which makes me happy, visiting with several different neighbors and meandering through the day in a slow and calm way.

Blessings to all soldiers, to the soldiers in all the places from all over the world, a world that I pray will find peace and learn how to live with it.

Love to all,

dee

[lostwoher]

 Remembering...You, Them & Us... <3

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's,

I can't put it off any longer. I feel that I just opened the windows after a long,cold winter now, its time to close them again. 88 today and I feel the heat building in here.

 

Carol, sounds like a good team has been gathered to care for you both. An action plan. I'm sure lots of work,calls, "smack's upside the head" due to your diligence. Keeping you both in my prayers.

 

I've been hanging around. Doing a little of this and a little of that. I had a dream  2 nights ago. I was running around our old neighborhood , knocking on doors, looking for a 10 year old Rich. My neighbor; Dorothy,told me he was outback." He's dead", she said. and  has been there a long time. I ran outback and there he was, but now he was 20, not 10. I found him and flipped him over. He was smiling. It was a joke he said.NOT FUNNY RICH. anyway, a dream that stays with me/us.

 

Stay cool everyone 

 

Betty,MaryANN, Kathy,SHerri, Lorri, the 1/4 mile looks like its in your future, Colleen,Dan,Greg,Dee, Sus,Trudi,nice pic;Zachys mom, (((hugs)))).

 

 Betsy,mysonRich

 

[ericasmom]

Betsy, so good to see your sweet Rich here today. I have wondered how you are faring. That dream sounds pretty intense. I know it will stay with you as you do a little of this adn that. Yep, we turned on the air conditioner yesterday as the heat built its way to 85 or so with high humidity. Today storms came, huge lightening and thunder rolling through town, a quiet town today. John and I both sitting on the enclosed front porch with the windows open to sit in the storm as we both read. Very lovely way to spend time on a quiet afternoon. But now, I must do some report card work, so just checking in to see how everyone is doing. Betsy, I am listening to Cat Stevens as I sit here and am touched by his poetry, a backdrop for our hearts.

Love,

dee

[hotsauce]

remembering all our angels today and everyday.

missing my BRIAN so much.

i hope everyone is having a good Memorial Day holiday:cool:

hugs to all

mary ann

[ericasmom]

Hi Mary Ann,

I know the way your heart is feeling, aching for the missing.

Someday it feels like a full pot, so full of all that I own in my memories, my heart. Other times it is like an empty drum, unable to find an acceptable beat.

peace somehow.

dee

[summergirl]

Mary ann, know what you are feleling....hard time this afternoon, had a bit of a meltdown, tears rolling....just sitting outside by the pond, a nice little fire going and the next thing I know I am dropped into the abyss......tears my heart wide open.

Hope all had a good weekend.  Dee, sitting on the enclosed porch during the rain storm reading sounds so comforting...my kind of rainy day. We had another beautiful day....Tav and I went to the beach for a few hours, he had much fun playing with his friend Colin.   Lazy night today as back to the every day of work and school tomorrow.

Here is a poem Tavian wrote for the poetry book at school, grades 1 - 6 write and the best ones are put into the poetry book, Tavian won an award for his....We are so proud of him. I will post it here for you to read and you can tell me what you think.

ANTLERS

SHARP LIKE SHARK TEETH                                                                                   

COLD AS A STONE

FEELS LIKE A COMB

CURVED AS A RACEWAY

POINTY LIKE A CLAW

ROCKS LIKE A BOAT

LOOKS LIKE A DINOSAUR HEAD

BY TAVIAN   GRADE 2

I am always thinking of all of you and pray that all is as well as it can be. Summer days are here and I am happy for that but a saddness sets in remembering the many summer days of fun with my Jessica. 

Sweet dreams and Peace, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Kathy, I adore the poem that Tav wrote, it is fabulous. He has an ear for the rhythm of his words. Wonderful, tell him that a teacher for third graders thinks it is high-level work. He deserves an award for it. The beach, the pond, the tears, salt and water pools in your life. She gets it. She knows how the whole thought of beaches and summer air fill your memories with her, and while that is the sweet she understands the bitter.

SO while reading on the porch later today when the storms stopped, my neighbor Kay and her husband Steve came back from a biking weekend in Indiana and Michigan. They were marking the bike path for a bike trip called, TOUR DE SHORE, which raises money for a dance and acrobat studio in an economically depressed town that is next door to our town. Anyhow, they have always been friends with the folks that tirelessly run the studio, and have always raised money for them. So the bike ride is in 3 weeks. I never go as I will not ride on two lane highways and can't trust my back enough to promise 100 miles in two days, so I am kind of their home crew. I make about 200 peanut butter sandwiches for their bike bags and we support them with a donation. So while riding on Saturday, Kay fell. She damaged her shoulder and it looks like she may have separated it. She did not go to a doctor so she will have to go tomorrow. Two girlfriends on one street both with bike injuries. Holy crap, my poor girls. Marion had her surgery on Wednesday and is purple from eyebrow to mid throat. Lots of pain meds. prayers for healing.

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  I agree, your book-reading porch sitting in the rain sounds just so heart-surrounding with warmth and peace...I am so sorry for your friends...I pray your frind in the hospital will be able to be off the pain meds soon and the bruising will fade sooner than expected.  Holding close also your friend who fell and injured her shoulder.  So good of you and John to provide them with their food and some support...that really is surreal, having two friends--on the same street yet--with injuries from bikes. 

Mary ann...thinking of you, holding you close.

Kathy:  I am glad that you and Tav were able to get away to the beach again...I love his poem...so straight out of the thinking of a boy his age and yet put together with the feelings and creativity of someone much older...his mommy is smiling at him as he grows his way through his young life. 

Betsy:  Thank you for your thoughts...so good to see Rich's sweet face again...I hope you are taking care of you and I am sending thoughts of love and peace to you as you work your way through this sadness that has woven its way into your life again...

Lor:  How did it go in the second race for Kody?

things were really quiet here yesterday...Davis went home to his mom's for the day, and we were alone all day...went out for the Memorial day burger, as it was just easier when there are only two of us...had a good one at good old Friendly's, sitting at the same table we sat at the last time we were all there with Mike, feeling surrounded by his memories.  Thoughts of him have been surrounding me lately more so than usual...all of this happening with Ralph has triggered so much.  Some days it is like a tsunami; some days just a soft enveloping, like walking into a thick fog that surrounds your body.  All of the thoughts of preparation, knowing a lot of what is coming...just bringing a lot of it back.

We talked with Mike's older boys and Cathi's Jamie this weekend about what is actually going on with their papa.  We thought they were dealing okay with what we were telling them, when Kameron asked "what does terminal cancer mean?"  (he was referring to the terms used with his dad, and it seems that is what he thought all cancer is...thank heaven he asked about it)  We explained the difference between what his dad had and what his papa has, and why they immediately called his dad's "terminal."  He seemed relieved, though the worries still etched on his face.  We tried to reassure them that while we can't predict the future, that this is a cancer that may be treated with success, vs his dad's, which couldn't, and that his papa has some of the very best doctors working with him.  These two boys have had a lot of chaos in their lives on their mom's side (long stories) and the only constancy they've known was their dad, who was always there until he seemingly suddenly wasn't, and us...though Mike didn't live with them, he still was always there for them, always available for them, whereas their mom's side of the family has had a lot of changes, a good deal of turmoil, etc.  Another set of Chan's grandparents, who he lived with for some time with his mom and was very close to, got divorced suddenly and now they don't even speak to each other, so he never sees them anymore.  Kam has some uncles and aunts who have been in and out of trouble, moving out, moving back in, (Kam lives with his other g'parents, who have somewhat of an up and down relationship) and his mom has come very close to dying twice in the past three years---along with all of her chaos that she seems to be a magnet for (she married a "clean" drug addict who didn't stay clean very long).  This was one of the many reasons Mike was so devastated when he knew that he would die without seeing his boys raised to adulthood...he was so worried about the lack of stability that they would experience and how it would affect them.  Fortunately, when Mike settled down and married Sarah (Damon's mom), he chose well that time, and Sarah is such a good mom to Damon, and provides him with all the love, stability and consistency she can muster, so we feel very assured that Damon will be okay.   

Though we moved around a lot since Ralph retired from the Air Force, the part of our lives that the boys have known has been the consistent days of living in the same place, and except for our moving one time, when the boys come to our house, things are pretty much the same as they always are.  We don't drink, we are always here, we are pretty set in our routine...  So, along with hearing this news about someone they love tons, this news has likely upset their sense of security as well.  I don't know how to reassure them that thing will still be okay, when I am not so sure of that myself. 

Well, enough rambling...I guess I woke up in a melancholy type mood this morning, with worries naggng at me.  Thanks for "listening," though I guess I didn't give you much choice, did I...

I hope you all have a good week...I know it has been nice for you to have this extra day in your weekend, and I hope you were all able to get some joy and some rest out of it.

to all my Indigo family, who I am so very grateful are in my life, I wish you love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, what choice do we need? The choice each day for us is to tune into one another's lives, and you nor anyone else needs to limit their words or alter their sentiment. If you are melancholy, then so be it, we need to know that so that we can be here for you as you are for each of us.

I would think that the boys are having their own personal struggles with their Grandpop's illness, and talking with them helps them see that they carry their worries with thier siblings, cousins, aunties and others including and especially, you and Ralph. It is amazing what we offer when we offer Children the respect of knowing about loved ones. It is hard however, to know how much to give and how much not to. A balancing act.

Both of my friends are home or at work and will stop in at the hospital after work today. Marion was home on Thursday after surgery on Wedenesday, too soon in my opinion. She will need several weeks of recovery.

Thanks for thinking of them.

dee

[lolynbo]

Lor:  How did it go in the second race for Kody?

HE ENDED UP 3RD...HE FINSIHED 4TH OUTA 17 CARS BUT SOMEONE WAS CHEATING AND GOT DQ'D...SOO WE GOT 3RD...NOT A BAD WEEKEND FOR A LIL BOY

HOT HOT HOT HERE SUMMER HAS COME A CALLIN...WOW...EXPECTING 100 ALREADY THIS WEEK....

HEADING TO TEXASMOTORSPEEDWAY FRIDAY WE HAVE PIT AND GARAGE PASSES FOR THE NASCAR CRAFTMAN TRUCKS...WE HAVE A RACE TEAM HERE IN LIL OL ARDMORE THAT RACE AND THEY SPONSER KODY IN FUEL AND WANT US TO GO TO THE RACE....SO WEZA GOING...MY FRIEND WILL COME AND HOUSE, DOG AND POOL SIT FOR US...

LOVE TO ALL...

[daveydow1]

Dee---Sending prayers for your friends...Marion and Kay....both hurt in bike

accidents.  Your experience of sitting on the enclosed porch, reading, with

a storm  moving in is my idea of a relaxing time. I do the same sometimes.

My husband spotted a pileated woodpecker the other day....they are the large

ones. The nice soaking rain we got last night helped the garden out immensely.

(Rabbits ate all the lettuce, though )

Carol----Thinking about you and your family & sending prayers.

Betsy------How are you?  I'm thinking about you, and praying that you will find

strength in the coming days.   Sorry your dream was  intense .   Peace to you

my friend.

MaryAnn-----The roller coaster we are on can take us so far down. Sending

prayers for strength and peace.

Kathy----Great poem that Tav wrote. Thanks for posting it.

Lorri----Prayers too, for the young man hit by a drunken driver. That poor family---

with all the troubles & sorrow. I will pray hard that the young man survives and

recovers well.

         I've been so busy with yard/garden work, seems I haven't been on BI as

         much, but should be able to be on more often soon.  Peace & comfort to all.

                         Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry  

[summergirl]

A quiet site here tonight....

Dee and Carol - thank you, I love Tavian's poem too....his certificate came today so it will go in a frame and on the wall. Yes, my dear sweet girl knows, smiles and is so very proud of her boy.     Right now we are having a thinder storm and Tavian is a bit afraid but I have him calmed down and I think now he is actually enjoying it a bit...we need the rain and I love the smell in the air after a good rain...

Back to work today....I was very quiet and my boss is trying now to be extra nice but I am still upset with her for her actions, I am not a mean person but when I get hurt it takes some time to put it behind me. She is 78 years old, so ready for retirement but has been with Human Services for many years, in fact I think she may have been one of the original founders of it.....I understand her need to stay as she is very dedicated but she is also at the age where she is slowing down and doesn't like it so she gets snippy.....anyway I am hoping she retires and can enjoy what is left oh her time here on earth....

Lorri - have a great time and WHOO HOO to Kody....you are blessed my friend.

Dee - sorry to hear about your friends and the bike accidents. I too love to ride but am nervous on the roads here....especially summer time as the traffic is horrendous. I try to ride to the school with Tavian and we ride around the roads and circles there. Also can ride the sidewalk for about 4 miles but I still get nervous, always thinking a car will swerve or Tavian will hit a rock and fly off his bike.....I get a little crazy I know but I want him safe.

Time to do a bit of work before reading time with Tavian so I will say goodnight. Peace, strength and love, Kathy

[summergirl]

[lolynbo]

KATHY, REGAN KOURTNEYS NURSE IS GETTING A TATTOO LIKE THAT , BUT SAYS KOURTNEY IN THE MIDDLE ...HOW NEAT IS THAT?...LOVE THE JESSICA ONE..VERY NICE

WANTED TO POST ABOUT BRINLEY RAE...

[mikesmum]

Kathy - a possible tattoo??

Lorri - precious child.  Spent all day with my 'step' grandson Dion. (Mal's youngest boys son).  This folks wanted a day out cause it was his mum's birthday.  Its funny how a little person who looks at you with wide eyed innocence and a cheeky grin can warm that dark place.

Carol - I had that they know 'the terminology'.  Didn't know how much Melissa had picked up till I had the lump.  Then it was like my child became an wise academic in the field of breast lumps. (lol)  This from a girl who used to say 'how can you be a nurse with all the sick people, yuck'.

The weather here is fickle at the moment.  Glorious sunshine to coax you out then a wind too lazy to go round you, it goes straight through.  The clouds are gathering and the storms are predicted for late afternoon - so PJ's here I come.

Take Care - Trudi

 

[Guest]

Hi Everyone,

My daughter and her family made it back to Iowa safely.  We so enjoyed them.  The barbeque that I was so worried about went off without a hitch.  Lots of people, lots of food, lots of children, lots of noise!  LOL

The kids spent the weekend riding their bikes and scooter up and down the alley behind our house.

Beth - It was nice to see Zach's face this morning.  His monument is beautiful. 

Dee - So sorry to hear about both yoru friend's accidents!  I pray their recovery is quick and as painless as possible.  I, too, love to sit outside after a storm.  I don't read much outside these days...too much wind to fight...but I do enjoy the smells and energy.  Thank you so much for posting such a lovely poem "Slow dance".  I've re-read it several times over the weekend.

Kathy - Loved Tavian's poem, too!  I'm so glad you and he are finding some fun this summer!

Colleen - Congrats on the new car! 

Trudi - As fall and winter approach your neck of the world, I am still hoping spring and summer finally show up in mine!  LOL  We have had a couple real nice days, but I still need a coat once in a while.  I'm glad you got to spend some time with your step grandchild.  They do help fill that dark space, or at least bring light to it. 

Betsy - I felt the knots in my own gut as I read about your dream.  I can only imagine the effect it has on you. 

Betty - Thinking of you often and hoping you are well! 

My youngest daughter and I went to Stephanie's crash site.  It doesn't hold the same power or intensity as it did.  I don't think I'll go back.  Stephanie was freely talked about this weekend.  There was laughter, tears and serious discussion.  Her life and her death has affected so many more people than just me.

Anyway, it was a blessed weekend.  Quite often, my thoughts were with the men and women in the military.  Memorial Day is supposed to be for the fallen.  The ones who paid the ultimate price.   All the wars.  So many countries.  I find it difficult to say "thank you" for dying.  What I have begun doing, instead, is to pray for peace.

Wishing each of you a peace filled day!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[homeschoolmom]

Just a quick question... Can there be any loneliness so pervading as that following the loss of a child? I lost my husband, Rohan's father, 6 years before Rohan, and wondered how I would make it. Now I wonder if down the line I'll feel the same way about Rohan...kind of a soft, affectionate memory of my first love...

Shelly

[shorty16]

Shelly

I hope that is how I feel down the line.  I certainly do not feel that way now.

That is our goal is to be happy when we think of them, but the pain over-rides that so many times

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Never Fear Indigos

The Beast (2003 Chevy Suburban) is still rumbling down the road.  That truck is a perfect cruiser. I traded (begged them to take) my Buick

I love playing with my new car.  I am so used to just having an engine and everything else broken around me.  It is nice to know how much gas I have (HAHA) (My gas gage did not work in my Buick)

Colleen

[daniellemom]

Betsy – I’m so sorry to hear about your mother.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  The funeral sounded very nice and well planned out.  Sorry I have not been on BI for a few weeks. 

 

Kathy – Love the poem that Tav did!  Are you ready for 3^rd grade and the end of grade testing next year?  Mattie is already talking about next year and how hard it’s going to be.  I hate the way schools have to teach a test, she has already taken several what they call practice EOG test this year just getting them ready for next year.

 

Carol – My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and Ralph during this round of treatments.  Mike is close.  Sorry to hear Cathi scared you but so glad everything was ok.

 

Sherry – Sorry the animals are getting in your garden.  What helps us in soap around the garden we use Coast or Safeguard.  Also this may sound crazy but the colored solar lights Lowes sells those we put one on each end of the garden and it works wonders!    I had my first cucumber of the season this week.  It was so good!  We have put up some early peas also and of course the broccoli is coming in.  I can’t wait for the tomato’s to come in. 

 

Dee – Prayers for your friends that has the bike accidents.  I also get scared when riding with Mattie, I’m not getting any younger and she keeps going faster and faster.  Maybe I need a 3 wheeler bike. 

 

Trudi – Thinking of you as winter sets in around you I will send you some sun, if I figure out how to mail it. 

 

Colleen - Congrats on a new car!  They are so much fun. 

 

Sorry I have not been posting much, it’s weird where I am now with the grief, now it’s more like what am I going to do without Danielle.  It will be 3 years.  Mattie is now 8, what would Danielle think of her little sister now.  James will be a junior in college, he just got a newer car and she would have been so proud of him.  When he got the car the first thing he said was Danielle would love this car. 

 

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)   

[homeschoolmom]

Hi all, we'll be back in the States Tues. June 08th, to do the whole Disney thing with the kids. My mom bailed on me a few days ago, so Tony should be going with me to keep the kids in check, but more so to ensure I'm ok. I am always so tired! First thing in the morning, midday... Course I'm juggling a LOT as usual, but...

Rohan's garden is slowly taking shape. Soon as we move the trampoline, I'll take pics. I am excited, saddened, eager, overwhelmed....dang, this grief thing is strange!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm hosting a small dinner party on Sunday for some old friends, and I AM looking forward to that...at least the cooking part.

Off to practice with the kids who will be performing the musical on Sunday. If I survive them!  Kids are a handful!! There are about 30 of them, and if Tony doesn't join me, I am the only adult there with them. I have lectured, bribed, cajoled, punished, even sweet talked them into performing, and they're doing well, but it takes an amazing amount of energy. I'm doing a cookies and icecream reception for them after church on Sunday, but they don't know about it yet.

Heave Ho! Time to get back up and head out. Just got back from grocery and plant shopping 90 minutes away.

Take care all,

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[rlolheiser]

I have been doing so good trying to make my life better.  I have lost 35 lbs so far, and it has been a struggle because food is my security blanket.  I want to go eat, I tell myself I am starving... 

Today I have done nothing but cry, JaBoa's mom was here in town, and my grandson saw her, she said hi, my mother saw her, she said hi, but for me there was no hi, it was just her and the boyfriend, and their son leaving so they didn't have to put up with me.  You know... I thought losing JaBoa was tough, but I had her mom to help me, and now.. I don't have her and I don't know how to cope.  This situation has just totally knocked me down and I am hoping to pick me up.. I just want to roll up and quit today

sorry for the sadness... I have to say it to somebody..  I am feeling so lost

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[shorty16]

Hello Indigos

It is raining here today and Scott & I are watching "The Pink Panther"

Thinking you everyone and my Angel, Brian

Colleen

[mikesmum]

Sonya - Love opening this page and seeing a beautiful Danielle smiling out at me.   I too wonder what Mike would make of his younger siblings.  In the 3 1/2yrs since he left Steven has qualified as a plumber and Melissa has graduated nursing.  The grief train really has some twists, turns, dark tunnels and no real timetable.  Hugs to you.

Shelly - Same for you.  Your boy Rohan is so cute.  When faced with losing our loved ones we have times when we can't imagine making it through, yet we do.  Can't tell you how, guess its just how it goes.

Colleen - Nice to hear the Suburban is still rumbling along.  A gas gage, novel idea!

The fog is so thick I can hardly see my yard.  Its about zero this morning.  The walk with Muttley is going to have to wait till the sun finds its way here...

Take Care - Trudi

[summergirl]

Just got home from my trip to get my nails done...always take my Jessica with me, it was good but a few tears.

Thank you everyone for your comments on Tavian's poem.....we are so proud of him, not bad since he is in a school that goes from kindergarden to 8th grade, one chosen from each grade.  I have to get his certificate in a frame and post a pic.

Lorri - it is karma sometimes I swear....I just picked the Angel Wings from Photo Bucket and put Jessica's name there as I loved it....and here you say Regan has one with Kourtney's name.....I love it....our Angels talking....

Trudi -Thanks for the idea.. I guess it is time to call the tatoo man...I will post pic when I have it done.

Sonya - am I ready for 3rd grade ?? I feel like I am as Tavian does very well in school. They have been testing here too, State tests so hopefully I will learn something from that.  At the parent/teacher conference his teacher said she has no worries about him heading to 3rd grade, she just wants him to keep up on the math over the summer, she is sending a workbook home for him.....she said he excells at everything but just wants to make sure he doesn't lose anything.  I am afraid I am the one who will need a tutor as I just do not get the way they do the math these days....I swear Tavian teaches me..haha

I wish I had the time to reply to all but it is time to get Tavian off to bed. I will catch up with all tomorrow.....Good to see some faces I have not seen in a while.  Peace, love and strength, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Hello Sonya and Shelly, so long since seeing your beautiful Children's faces here. I am glad to see you guys still out there making your way. Yep, grief changes and morphs and in that process we are changed too. Some of the burning ache is gone, though it can resurface but for shorter periods, and in the place of that burning loss comes an understanding, not the right word but I am trying, maybe better word would be, a resolve of some kind. I know for me at some point I felt an acceptance in what life had given, not that I found it acceptable, but rather that I found my way to facing adn accepting it as fact. From there, finding ways to make and reconfigure my life. We are rolling up on the 7 year mark, and I know Shelly, that I never in a million years thought that I would be able to teach again, laugh again, hang out with friends, or want to do any of those, but I do, and I look forward to things too. I also look forward to my walks and talks to Eri. I talk to her when I am moved to do so, and I take great comfort in knowing that those times are when I am feeling her very strongly, or when something occurs to make me think of her in that moment. Shout out to you Erica. We find our way and for some it sounds absurd to be able to, or it sounds vulgar to think of a parent enjoying life when their Child is not here, but to me, it is honor. I can honor what life is, the gift it is, by living it well, and in that I honor Eri's life. I know that she would expect that and hope for that in us. I bet that Rohan and Danielle would both be so proud of their siblings, as they grow and change and make their way.

Trud, cold and foggy, you and Muttley need miners caps.

Leah, there will be days like these, but try to remember the good days of feeling empowerd by your own actions. This is what JaBoa must be celebrating. Her Grammy losing 35 pounds and learning to be healthy and live a strong life to both raise your Boy and to honor JaBoa's life. Tomorrow will be better, it will sting but hey, you have known worse. Please keep the faith in yourself.

dee

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi Everyone, Sorry for being selfish; its June 2, 2010; in 2 months it will be  3 years since I last saw Tanner.....

Here I am thinking I am doing OK???? Still alive; Still working everyday; making new friends; but maybe I am getting sick or something??????

My life could not be better at this point; BUT; in the past week; I am tired of my job that I LOVE; I am using language that I have never used before and don't give a ****......I feel like I am angry at the World.........

These last 2 days I have been crying everyday almost all day....what the hell is going on with me??????????

I don't want to live with this pain of losing Tanner anymore....My daughter who is 22 still suffers and that hurts; I am just not happy anymore....NOTHING looks good; fun or inviting....I have lost my ZEST for life.......

I have had some great friends come into my life lately;;;;so I am truely blessed....maybe God is trying to keep me in this world alittle longer.....But I will be honest I looked at the swimming pool tonight and though; maybe everyone would think it was an accident I feel in.....and then while I was under I could talk to God and tell him to forgive me for being so weak and talk to Tanner and tell him Mom misses him more than she can handle......

So so sorry to dump this on all you...but I have no one that has lost a child and no support groups in my area   I sure the hell wish there was I need one SOOO BADDD.........

thank you to all; Cindy; Tanner's Mom; I just need a hug so bad from him that I can't stand it.............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[momgran]

Cindy:  I would consider your reaching out here as being very brave and not at all selfish!  Thank goodness that you can express those awful feelings here knowing you won't be judged or considered in any way abnormal!  It's been 3 years, 7 months and 11 days since I lost my daughter Pippa and her little boy Kieran in a horrific traffic accident.  I was told in the early days that although we may eventually get to a point where life starts to feel somewhat 'normal' again, that we can spiral right back to the beginning at the drop of a hat! I know when I exprience this myself I'm amazed that I can still feel that darkness, the agonizing missing them and the anger wrap itself around me.   Do hold on.  As we've all learned the hard way, this too will pass and the best you can do for the moment is go back to living minute to minute, hour to hour.  I know Tanner is rooting for you and the love you feel for him will get you through this as you know deep down that he wouldn't want you to join him until your proper time arrives.  I hope you can find some way to ride this dreadful storm, and just let it out!!!

Love Peace and Patience to all my BI friends

Debbie

[ericasmom]

CAn't stay on right now, but I echo everything Deb so eloquently said here Cindy, hang on. I will tell you true, it is those weeks and months before the dates that get most of us, ride it out for what it is, true heartache. Tanner loves you and knows how hard this hits. Talk to him. You will probably go back to liking your job again, it is just that right now, nothing fits the way it should.

Blessings,

dee

[Guest]

Cindy - All I can say is you sound exactly like me!  Except the using language you never use.  I've always used it.    Now I'm working to soften my tone and words a bit..

I had a really good day yesterday.   I pulled weeds from my garden. (there's still a ton left to pull) .  Shoveled rocks into the wheelbarrow so we can begin preparing our yard for turf.  I did things the old me did all the time, but lately I just don't have the energy or motivation.  It felt good. 

Wishing you all well!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Cindy---while it is so good to see your beautiful Tanner's smile again, I am so sorry that it was such extreme sadness and despair that prompted you to post...I too reiterate what Dee and Deb said...we do spiral back to those days of such grief that we wonder how we can find our next breath, or even if we want to.  I am going through some things right now with my husband's health that are dragging me right back through the pain and anxiety I went through with Mike's brain cancer...the doctors, the tests, the same buildings, offices, some of the same words...all bringing back that sense of helplessness and anguish and watching something happen that we want so desperately to stop...we do feel helpless when our child leaves this world, no matter the manner in which they leave...  I am so sorry that you are going through this right now, but Cindy, your family would miss you, they would want you back, just like you  miss Tanner and want him back...no, it isn't like losing a child, but losing someone you love and count on being there always is heart-rending---Tanner wants you with him, but only when the time is as it was set to be...  You are in the mode of needing to take one hour at a time, even 5 minutes at a time if need be...know that we are here for you, sending comfort and prayers, holding you close, no judgments, just understanding all that you are going through. 

Please keep coming and posting...we will help you through this...

sending love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  I know that this is a day early for our time here, but it is already the 4th "down under" and so I send this wish out:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

MICHEAL...MICHEAL....MICHEAL...

Micheal---have a happy birthday with all of our angels...celebrate, sing and party...and don't forget to surround your mum with sweet memories that help her move through this day that is etched firmly and forever in her heart...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[rlolheiser]

Thank you Dee, I don't mean to dump the bad stuff here, I just had to say it to somebody and the lucky people here got it.  I just never dreamed that JaBoa's mom would be so cruel, it is a side of her I have never seen..  I always thought the distance made it easy for her to ignore me, but in person..  I guess I wasn't ready for it.  I did stay away from the food..  I chewed a lot of gum.. Today is better, I cried a lot.. but it is better..

My heart understands so much of the bad feelings we all have..  the desperation we feel at times..  even through the bad feelings I love you all, and appreciate the fact I can dump my emotions in here because I don't have any other place to dump them.

hugs to you all

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[momgran]

Carol:  I wish I could be there with you and Ralph to hold you both and hug you and hug you as you travel this painful, scary road!! But I know your precious Angel Mike is doing that right now.    We started our grief journey just days apart, but what you are now dealing with is foreign to me and I cannot imagine how painful this must be for you.  My thoughts and prayers are with you all the way, dear Carol.

Debbiexxxxxxooooooo

[mikesmomrs]

Thank you, Deb for your kind words and support.  Yes, we've been traveling this road together for a while now...I am so glad about your new little baby granddaughter and the joy she is obviously bringing to you...the picture you posted a while back just shines...I know that Pippa and Keiran rejoice with you, also. 

Leah:  Please don't ever apologize for posting your sad feelings...that is what we here truly understand...and it doesn't matter what they are about, or what "caused" them.  We hold you close in our hearts and offer our love and support for your comfort whenever and whyever you need it.  I don't think that we ever can understand why people choose to hurt us...it usually is something stirring in them that we will never understand or be able to change...we can only try to live around it and not let it into our hearts to tear at us...but sometimes the hurt is just something we can't keep out.  I am so sorry that your daughter chose to send more pain your way...I pray that someday she will realize that the only lasting thing in this world is love, either the presence of it or the memory of it...neither ever goes away. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[shorty16]

Cindy

Life is difficult and not easy for us.  It is OK to go down the road of "What would Tanner be doing", but we cannot stay there.

I think you have mentioned in the past that your Husband is kindof a home-body - he feels secure there.  But sometime, a short change in scenery can do wonders.

Scott and I went to look at Lighthouses this last weekend.  Cost nothing but gas money and lunch.  Viewing the lighthouses was free.  San Fran should have some good ones.

Just an idea that may bring up your mood.

Hang in there.

Colleen

[lolynbo]

i sure under stand tanners mommy...i forgot to share with yal...speaking of swimmy pools

UNDER WATER IS THE ONLY PLACE YOU CAN SCREAM AND PPL DONT LOOK AT YOU WEIRD...

THINKING OF YOU TAN MANS MOMMY....WE ARE HERE FOR A REASON...IM WAITING TO FINDOUT MINE...HOLD ON MY SISTER