Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

KIMBERLY CALLED MY HYSTERICALLY EDIE (HER ST BERNARD) WAS NOT DOING GOOD AND THEY WERE TAKING HER TO THE VET TODAY ANYWAYS...EDIE FEEL DOWN THE STAIRS...AND THEN SHE STARTED HAVING CONVULSIONS AND QUIT BREATHING SHE DIED FEW MINUTES LATER...SHE WASNT EVEN 3 YET...SHE HAD A DISEASE CALLED ADDISONS DISEASE???

MY GRADDAWGTER EDIE CRELIA

[ericasmom]

I echo Carols words Susannah, the teacher has let your Kids know that she is proud of the work they have done and she knows why and how they came to do it. You and Gary have guided with love and grief and allowed their fears to be spoken and have allowed them to grieve and learn how to survive. What a nice day to hear about the schools helping out families in grief, so glad that they both recognize the steps that were taken by the parents, grandparents and the children to get to this point.

Keep working,it's worth it.

dee

[briansdad]

[user=15807]mikesmomrs[/user] wrote:

...I said "Because dad and I made an agreement when we first got married."  She asked "What kind of agreement??  I said "We agreed that whoever leaves first has to take the kids."  :shock: 

love and peace to all...carol mikesmomrs

 

NOW THAT'S FUNNY !!!! I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE.

GREG

[ericasmom]

Oh sadness Lor, so very sorry that Edie died, poor Kimmy. She must be so heartbroken. Prayers.

dee

[mikesmum]

Lorrie - Sorry to hear about Edie, what a strong handsome young man.  Hugs to you and Kimberley.

Carol - Oh yeah that's funny - I know where it came from and the nagging for an answer would have prompted the rapid unplanned response.

Its raining here today....walk will be brief and damp.

Hope you all have sunshine and light winds........Trudi

[summergirl]

Hello dear indigo's,

Greg - congrats on 33 years....isn't love great.  Barry always looks at me and says "I'm a lucky man"..... not sure he means it the way I like to take it !!  We will be 37 years October 7....what babies we were.

Lorri - so sorry about Edie...what a looker....please give Kim a big hug.

Carol - THAT WAS FUNNY......I really needed that laugh so thanks for sharing...

Sus - yes, teachers are amazing. Tavian's teacher is so sweet, thoughtful and an all around gentle woman. We have cried together a few times. It takes a special person to be a teacher and I am so thankful for the one's Tavian has and for our beautiful Dee.

Trudi - sorry about the rain...absolutely beautiful here today. After work I mowed the front yard, cleaned the patio and then dinner....a tired but happy woman tonight. I love summer, the sunshine brings a quiet calmness to me, I cannot explain it but I feel content, many thoughts of Jessica, many sunny days of remembering. The winter brings out the depression, anxiety and much saddness. I am glad summer is here.

My sister called tonight to let me know that she is having a HUGE suprise birthday party for our dad on June 28...he will be 75. I guess I have to look into tickets for Tavian and I but not sure I can go.......I want to be there so bad but we will have to see how things go.

Love and peace to all....always in my heart, Kathy

[mikesmum]

Love hearing about those who married as young  lovers and sustained the connection throughout the years. 

Kathy - One dad, making it to his 75th year after losing a son and a granddaughter you need to go.

Mal is currently being tortured (lol) in physio for his back.  Worst patient ever.

House cleaning is calling...screaming.  One of the dust bunnies is having his 4th birthday...............Take Care Trudi

[rlolheiser]

Things have been pretty quiet here, I can't complain.  I am still trying to stay positive.  I am happy that I have lost a total of 25 lbs.  I am going to my JaBoa's gravesite next week, I have some new things to put on her site. 

I heard from JaBoa's mom today, she asked me if I had any of her stuff from the house she moved out of as she was moving back to my town.  I told her I would have to look, and in the next sentence I was told not to come to visit her (via the big mouth boyfriend in the background).  I was hurt, but didn't cry as usual, I just told her not to worry, I won't be visiting her.  I then called my oldest daughter who told me JaBoa's sister was given to her paternal grandparents.  I am cut out of her life.  I don't know what I did wrong, but I must have failed somewhere.

Happy Anniversary Greg.. I love to hear about couples who stay together... Carol, I keep you in my thoughts and prayers always.. Trudi, you still have so much wisdom to offer everybody, thank you.  To all my Indigo family, I am keeping good thoughts, of you and your angels, I can't name you all.. but your in my heart

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri:  so sorry to hear about Edie...give Kimmy a hug from me, too.  Such a beautiful dog...

Leah:  Good to see your precious Joboa's face...very sorry to hear about her sister being off limits to you.  I am glad that you checked in...we think of you, also.  How are your teeth doing...still okay, I hope.  And, congrats on the 25 lb weight loss...good for you!!!

Trudi:  Hope Mal's physio does some good...tricky sometimes, though, to get it just right enough to provide relief.  We had sunshine and in the 80's here...wish I could send some of it to you.

Kathy:  glad you got so much out door time tonight...I love the extended daylight time...

We had Damon last night, and after I put him to bed, I looked in to see if he was asleep yet...this is what I saw...notice the "heart" shape of his hair on both sides up over his forehead...he's had this since he was born...

sending love and peace to all tonight (well, this morning, now)...have a nice Friday...

carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

[user=38955]rlolheiser[/user] wrote:

Things have been pretty quiet here, I can't complain.  I am still trying to stay positive.  I am happy that I have lost a total of 25 lbs.  I am going to my JaBoa's gravesite next week, I have some new things to put on her site. 

I heard from JaBoa's mom today, she asked me if I had any of her stuff from the house she moved out of as she was moving back to my town.  I told her I would have to look, and in the next sentence I was told not to come to visit her (via the big mouth boyfriend in the background).  I was hurt, but didn't cry as usual, I just told her not to worry, I won't be visiting her.  I then called my oldest daughter who told me JaBoa's sister was given to her paternal grandparents.  I am cut out of her life.  I don't know what I did wrong, but I must have failed somewhere.

Happy Anniversary Greg.. I love to hear about couples who stay together... Carol, I keep you in my thoughts and prayers always.. Trudi, you still have so much wisdom to offer everybody, thank you.  To all my Indigo family, I am keeping good thoughts, of you and your angels, I can't name you all.. but your in my heart

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

Leah - Congrats on losing the 25lb.  Pls don't take too much time wondering what you did, those who have made this decision see things differently than you do. They have their own take on things real or othewise.

Mikes partner at the time he died has forbidden any of his family or friends to contact her or our grandchild/niece.  Her reasoning - we are evil and will turn her against her mother.

She had similar thoughts when Melissa and Steven asked if they could have something of Mikes to remember him by.  Her answer.....nah you'll only sell it. (Sadly, the truth was she did sell most of his guitars, computer etc in the months after his death).  Its only fair she cleared all his stuff out the day after he died and repainted the room cause there was 'sooooo much blood in there'.  I didn't see any the day I sat with Mike....but hey, it was her reality......

Carol - Love that innocent heart framed face.  Precious precious times.

Dee - Hope you're doing okay....hey to the gnome.

Mal is home from physio.  A bit of massage, a bit of stretching and strapping across his back.  He has since taken himself off to bed where the sound of buzz saws can be heard across the neighbourhood.

I'm off to pick up Miss Em.  She's overnight tonight then off to a party tomorrow.  Tomorrow night is an overnighter with Mal's grandboy, Dion who is about 5 months.  I choose Emily!!!!

C Ya

[Guest]

Carol - Love the picture of Damon's heart shaped face!  His arms were folded in the shape of a heart, too.  Since getting our grandkids, Gary and I have the same "agreement".  

Lorri - I'm so sorry for the loss of Kim's dog!  I just don't even know what to say. 

Kathy - I hope you are able to make it for your dad's birthday.  I'm glad you are enjoying the quiet calmness of sunshine. 

Leah - Congrats on the weight loss! Taking our children's failures as our own seems to be a natural/normal reaction for any parent.  I'm learning that just because they blame us doesn't mean we're guilty.  I'm sorry you have to go through this additional sorrow.  May you find the much needed strength and comfort inside yourself.

Wishing you all a day of peace!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Indigo's,

I had a GREAT weeks and I want to tell you all about it.

My job is an auditor for an aerospace company.  I audit internally (my own company) and customer's audit our company (I facilitate those audits).

We had 2 audits this week with a major customer.  Both audits I was in charge of. 

No findings in either audit.  In fact, at the conclusion of the Thursday audit, we were Best in Class for our processes.

YEAH

Also, yesterday I won the Sheepshead pin.  Sheepshead is a card game played with 5 people.  I played solo and took all the cards.  Its called a no-tricker.  Now I am proudly displaying the pin on my badge.

Hope everyone also has a great day and an even better weekend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Lorri

So sorry to hear about your daughter's St Bernard.  The dog was only 3!?!

St Bernards are characters.  I was at the dog-park once and it was a PUG-PARTY. Yes, Pugs were there in packs.

2 huge St Bernards joined the mix.  When the Pugs came to say Hi, the St Bernard layed down and rolled on his back (submission position).  He was scared of these Pugs.

TOO funny

A hug for your daughter, Dogs are part of the family also.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[momgran]

Dear BI friends,

I popped in yesterday and read through some of your postings and realised how much I miss sharing with all the wonderful, courageous Moms and Dads and Grandparents who have, like me, experienced the ultimate loss! A parent's/grandparent's worst nightmare.  And I'm so touched by the way we can all share, unabashedly, the daily challenges we have to face on this sad journey.  The busy self absorbed outside world is not always there for us.  I remember my busy self absorbed days and now have a deeper understanding of that person on the bus with the long face or the woman bumping into me on the subway because her mind is somewhere else. We really don't knows what is going on in the lives and hearts of other people. Unfortunately, if we try to share they often feel uncomfortable and don't want to know. Thank God we have loved ones and our friends on here who DO want to know.

Trudi:  As I come on here so infrequently, it is sad for me to see that your ordeal is still ongoing.  I know what you're saying about the 'PJ's".  When I lost my job

last year that's pretty much how I've spent my last year.  Trying to get a home business going but not making a lot of progress.  I think being in the fourth year

since Pippa and Kieran died (I still find it so difficult to say that) that this was my year of 'depression'. I do hope the outcome is what you had hoped for.  I know

that never having Mike back will always cause you sorrow but it would be nice if you could get some resolution to the events that happened that awful day.

Rodolfo:  I am so sorry you lost your son in such tragic circumstances.  I know as parents you did everything you could to save your son but I do understand the 'guilt'

 part.  It seems to come with the territory for every parent whether they had choices to make or not.  My daughter and grandson, Pippa (29) and Kieran (4) died in

a traffic accident in South Africa.  I live in Canada and still felt 'guilty' that I wasn't there for them.  I pray that you and your wife find strength to continue

on this journey of healing. 

Carol:  I LOVE that photo of Damon!  I can imagine you see Mike in his face when he's sleeping peacefully like that. Thank God for your grandchildren.  How lovely

(and sad at the same time) to have them around to remind you that their Dad was such an important part of your lives.  I'm learning to live with my new 'normal' and

that sadness will always walk side by side with joy.  I'm starting to allow myself to feel joy more often these days but the 'missing' never goes away.  I must say I

am able to look at their photos and think of them more often now with a smile in my heart.  The memories are becoming so precious and most of the time less painful.

Still the odd gutwrenching moment but not quite as often.

My dear little granddaughter Maggie was born on April 17!  My son and his wife will be married 10 years in Aug so this baby is truly the most precious gift...and I

can actually see Pippa and Kieran in her little face!!  After losing Kieran, I was heartbroken not to be a Grandma anymore, to lose my only Grandchild but now I'm

being given the opportunity to be a grandma to a very special little girl.  The joy on my son and daughterinlaw's faces is worth it all. I am astonished at the renewed

energy I have and 'hope' for the future. I'm busier now than I've been for a year and working towards getting healthier. The sadness of Pips and Kieran not meeting

this little baby has been part of this experience but I almost feel they knew her before we did

here is a photo of Maggie and I!

Wising you all Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

 

[momgran]

Carol:  I sent you and email and I'm hoping your address is current. xxx

[momgran]

Sorry for all these posts babbling on but I am reading posts and being touched deeply by your words.

rlolheiser: I noticed in your recent posts that you lost your granddaughter.  I am heartbroken for you as I know only too well how it feels to lose a grandchild.  MY daughter and grandson died in an auto accident on Oct 22, 2006!  Just

days before you lost your grandchild.  I was actually attending their funeral in South Africa on the day you lost your little one.  All the feelings of anger you expressed seem to be perfectly normal and I'm finding the only way to deal with

them is to 'vent' in healthy ways and then as time has passed I've been able to examine those emotions more intimately and try and use what common sense I can muster to dispel some of this anger.  In the end I realise it harms me the most

and can have a detrimental effect on the people who love me.  I hope you find some peace as your journey and that you and your daughter can talk deeply about this loss. Forgiveness can be such a healing emotion.

I believe I lost my job last year because I was getting 'irritable' with the customers I dealt with.  For nearly 4 years before I lost my babes, I was applauded as the best Customer Service person in the company!  But I think my anger filtered

into my relationships with my customers without even realising it!  I've learnt a lot from that experience and am better able to express my anger in healthy ways and somehow get some perspective on this emotion.  It surges still when I

think of how tragic this loss is but I try to channel it in more positive ways. But boy, does it ever take TIME!

Love peace and patience to you

Debbie

[daveydow1]

Debbie----Beautiful little granddaughter, Maggie. Contratulations. Thanks

for the pic.

Colleen---Yay! You do a great job.

Lorrie---So sorry about Kim's dog, Edie, dying. Pets are so wonderful,

and we so mourn when they pass. Prayers.

Susannah---Oh, bless that teacher, and little Mariah too. I think back to Davey's

years in school, and he had great teachers for the most part.....especially his

1st grade teacher.  

Carol-----Great funny story.....sure made me laugh. Thanks

Dee---Your statement about anger ....."storm on two legs"  can describe my

husband for a good 3 or 4 yrs. after Davey's death. He was angry at the truck

driver (driving impaired) ,that killed Davey. I felt a lot of anger too. By now, it

has just all subsided into a sad resignation  for us both, I think. We never even

mention the trucker anymore.  Gardening/nature is the balm for our souls now.

Yesterday, we planted  potatoes, pumpkins, green beans, cucumbers, and

tomatoe & pepper plants. Hope the little creatures leave them alone. 'Hooty',

our garden owl has been moved closer to the garden, so he has his work cut

out for him.   I heard a woodpecker hammering away over in the woods, most of

the mid-morning.

Have  you been walking in the nature preserve lately?  Peace, friend.

        Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[momgran]

Wow Sherry...the memories of the early days come flooding back!  How we share such similarities in our losses...you losing baby Lisa and me baby Andrew as well as our adult children!  And a truck driver responsible for our children's deaths!  I remember mentioning in the early days that we received a heartwrenching letter from the truck driver begging for our forgiveness.   He even included biblical quotes so he was a religious man.   I can honestly say I haven't had a twinge of anger towards him since!  My anger tends to be more directed at 'fate' and how the timing was so bad....if they'd left 2 minutes earlier or later...etc...etc!

Like you, I love gardening...I called my garden in the first year after I lost my babes my Garden of Gethsemane!  Now it's my garden of healing.  The forgetmenots flourish and this year I had a couple of bunches of 'pink' forgetmenots for the first time ever!  I think they represent little Maggie's arrival  

I'm glad to hear that that truck driver does not have the same emotional power over you as he did previously.  Take Care.

Carol:  I loved your story as well!  I'm sure your kids learned to appreciate your wicked sense of humor.

Greg:  Congratulations to you and your wife on achieving longevity in your marriage!  Hats off to you.

Debbie

xxxx

[rodolfo]

THANK YOU DEBBIE

[lolynbo]

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE CONDOLENCES (SP) FOR EDIE..SHE WAS FULL OF LIFE AND YES DID ALOT OF THAT ROLLING AROUND WHEN U PET HER....KIMBERLY IS SO DEVISTATED...I NO ITS JUST A DOG BUT SHE GOT HER AT 4 WKS AND RAISED HER...AND SHE NOZ IF SHE HAD THE $$$ IT COULD HAVE BEEN PROVENTED (HER DEATH) BUT JUST GETTING CAUGHT UP ON HER BILLS WITH THIS NEW JOB THE MEDS WERE HIGH AND THEY WERE TRYING TO GET THEN REGULATED..(WENT TO ONE VET AND WAS CHARGED 1200$ AND WENT TO ANTOHER AND HE PROSCRIBED SOMETHING CHEAPER)...WELL I THINK CHEAPER DIDNT WORK...BUT WHO HAS 100 TO 200 A MONTH FOR A DOG???(MEDS)...I COULDNT DO IT...POOR GIRL I DONT NO WHAT TO SAY TO HER EXCEPT SHE KNOWS KOURTNEY LOVED DOGS AND WANTED EDIE WITH HER A DIXIE (DIXIE IS KOURTNEYS DOG THAT GOT RAN OVER THE DAY AFTER SHE DIED)..

WELL I PRAY YOU ALL HAVE A BLESSED DAY...

OH AND BRINLEY MAY GET TO COME HOME NEXT WEEK...

AND LIL KOURTNEY IS GETTING VERY FAT...

[mysonrich]

Indigo family, my mom just died. I am off to make arrangements and to reach others. I know where they are,my uncles funeral. I didn't go, I drove out to see my mom instead. before she left she said," i'll miss you"...I knew then. Rich was there I know. when I left her there was a morning dove outside, sitting on the wire. a morning dove which has greeted me each morning this past month.

 

Betsy, my son Rich and Joans daughter

[Guest]

Betsy - I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother!  Strength and peace be with you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Betsy

So sorry to hear about the loss of your Mother.  

Thinking of you

Colleen

[Guest]

Garden of healing.  Love it.  I'm not planting flowers this year.  However, I've turned my garden into a "little critter" refuge.  I enjoy feeding the birds and the squirrels (and what ever else scurries by).  It brings me soft joy.

Garden of life.  Garden of hope.  Garden of tears.  All one and the same.

Peace.

[lolynbo]

Indigo family, my mom just died. I am off to make arrangements and to reach others

WOW BETSY YOUR REALLY GETN HIT WITH IT...I WILL PRAY FOR YOU IM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR MOTHER

[mpsmom]

Betsy, my deepest condolences to you.  May you find peace in knowing that your Mother must be so happy to see Rich again, they are both watching over you now.

All my Love,   Marcia    Bethany's Mom Forever

[ericasmom]

Betsy, I am so sorry that you are now grieving your Momma leaving. I am so glad for your intuition, for your knowing to stay with her, and I love that she told you she would miss you. That brings tears. There the dove sat letting you know that Rich was taking care of things, that Mom would be peaceful now, and that he is always near.

My heart to you, thanks for letting us know.

Debbie, that Baby Girl is gorgeous and in the arms of a pretty woman, I am assuming is you. How lovely. How fitting. All I can say about the depression is, some years are harder than others for whatever reason, and I hope that this is the start then, of a much better one.

Carol, that Damon and his sweet cheeks. Goodness he is precious.

Sherry, I have not been in the woods as the rain lately has kept me out, but I have gone down to the slough to see the ducks, geese, see if the heron is around. He/She isn't. But the geese and ducks are. Wow, your garden sounds great and huge. I don't have room for all of what you have that is for sure.

Col, so glad that you had a great week, it was time for one.

Love you all,

dee

[mikesmum]

Betsy - I'm sorry for your loss.  But I have a feeling the Rich was there, taking her hand.  The dove confirms it.   I know how hard its going to be but I'm sure Rich and Joan will be watching over you.

Debbie - Love your beautiful grandbaby girl.  Maggie, what a great name, strong.  Yes it seems that the work rubbish never ends.  When I came here I was given to understand the pain of grief/loss softens and it has.  What is left is an overwhelming sadness and a depression that hangs some days so heavily on my heart.  And yes PJ's play a big part in my life.  

Hopefully this last, panel will decide one way or another and that will be the end of it.  May Maggie bring light and joy into your life as Pippa and Kieran watch over you all.

Colleen - Congrats on the audits and the 'sheepshead'?? game.

Lorrie - how is Kimberley doing.  Losing a pup, similar for many to losing a child..  Muttley is going to have to outlive me......

Emily is here this foggy freezing morning.  She woke Granma at 6.53am!!!!!  Rules of the house is not before 7!!  (lol).  But now she is getting older she has a routine during the week that sees her up at 6 and its hard to break on the weekends.

Her aerobics team made State, with a wildcard entry....whoo hooo.  The comp is in June...more later...

Well, off for porridge or maybe breakfast in the local cafe after walking (very briskly) with the Muttley dog.

Trudi  

 

[aviemare]

Tomorrow is my dear Nicole's memorial service.  We have spent the entire month putting together slideshows, beautiful programs, pictures and bookmarks for all the guests, and making it exactly the way I want.  Her theme is lavender and butterflies, because she was born in February and her birthstone is amythest (how the heck do you spell that! haha)  and she died in Spring, when the butterflies come.  Although all this was in no way inexpensive, it sure beat having someone else do it.  The programs look like hallmark cards.  Don't mind if I do say so myself!  Budget Memorials 101.  Think I'll start a class.

My dress is a summer maxi:  cream and lavender with butterflies all over with a spring green shawl and gold shoes.  All the men's shirts have been dyed light purple and guests have been asked to wear that color if they desire.  I have become a master at dying clothing! haha

This is what I wanted to say at the service but I did not want to be gloomy even though I feel it.  My husband was going to video me because I know I would pass out if I spoke.  Am I a coward for not speaking and honoring my child at her own memorial?  Be honest.  I can take it.  After Nicole's death, I am as frozen emotionally as a popsicle.

I did post this on my Facebook page.  I just had to say it.  Was I mean?  My niece Megan drew the portrait at the end of the rant, if you will.

I am speaking to you today from my heart.

It won’t be fun or inspirational or something you will ask for a copy

of! It will be brutal and painful, but I do believe it needs to be said and so I will try to say it, for myself and ...perhaps many other mothers who might feel the same way but never get the

opportunity to express the truth of their feelings.

So what can I say? What can I say to you,

as a mother whose entire world has been shattered into a million pieces? I can offer you no comfort, for there is no

comfort that I myself can find as of yet.

I don’t know if there ever will be.

I won’t preach biblical verses to you nor will I hire a minister to do so. None of our family attends church and I personally seldom read the Bible, although I know it better than some might expect.

I won’t tell you and try to convince myself that “God needed another Angel” because God did not need another angel more than I need my daughter. Of that I’m certain.

Instead, I will tell you the TRUTH, as distasteful as it may be to hear.

In my mind, no matter how or under what circumstances a child dies, it is an abomination; a disruption of the natural order of life as we know and expect it. No parent should have to bury their child.

Yet every day thousands of us must do just that, for the world is not always a nice place and life is seldom if ever fair.  I honestly think the entire universe weeps with us when we suffer the ultimate loss: that of a child.

One day I was in my dressing area with Nicole playing makeup and hairstyles with her, and laying on my bed watching stupid reality shows together and laughing at the silliness of it all.

Two days later we got a call around 11pm on a Friday night saying she was in the morgue. Just like that. A week or so later we got a box containing her ashes and a baggie with her cut hair in it.

I had nightmares of them cutting my beautiful child up and spent many hours on YouTube looking for videos of actual autopsies and cremations because I had no idea what had happened to my daughter. We still don’t have the autopsy report back.

Morbid? Maybe.

But I had brought her into the world, spent the last 26 years loving her and watching her give birth to her own baby, and suddenly I was excluded from the most permanent event of all: her death.

My mind was racing a mile a minute inventing things that may have or may not have happened. Everyone told me it was better to NOT see her; to remember her “as she was.”

I can see how that would work for many folks, but I also began to understand the true meaning of an open-casket ceremony, which was something I myself had always thought of as morbid.

But you know….I never got to see her after she died. I never got to touch her cheek and whisper: “Farewell, my love. Next time will be even better!” I never got the closure I so desperately

needed; the proof positive that there was no mistake and that she was really, truly gone.

What does a parent; a mother do with that? How do you wrap your head around such a horror and then try to continue on in a normal way?

The answer, of course, is that there IS NO normal life anymore after the loss of child; no life such as the one you had the day before your child was forever taken from you.

Over the days and weeks, you hear a lot of well-meaning phrases from people who really do feel bad for you.

“Stay Strong.”

“Try not to be in denial and you’ll be able to accept it sooner.”

“Eventually you’ll stop grieving.”

“The pain fades with time.”

“You’ll have your ups and downs.”

And my personal favorite: “I know how you feel!”

Well, the fact is that unless someone has personally experienced the loss of a child, they DO NOT know how it feels. Although

loosing a parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt, uncle or any family member is agonizing, it is NOT the same as loosing a child, and that person has NO idea how a mother feels.

I lost my cousin in 2006, his father my uncle in 2008, my daddy unexpectedly on March 4th of last year and my beautiful daughter on April 2nd of this year. Although the loss of my dad was sad and tragic, the two events don’t compare in any way.

Nothing can prepare a parent for the devastation that follows the loss of their child or children.

The Ups and Downs thing is not true either for me personally. There are no UPS, only varying degrees of DOWN; some so low you don’t know how you will get through the next day or hour or minute or even second without either going insane or putting a bullet into

your brain.

And denial? Denial, I have learned, is a vital component of grieving, for it is your mind’s way of protecting you from the true horror of what has happened in those early weeks and months and possibly even for the first few years after such a loss.

Denial in the early days can be your friend and can protect you from yourself when the pain becomes so unbearable that you truly might do something very stupid and regrettable.

Eventually it probably does give way to something akin to coming to terms with the loss, but for me it will never give way to “acceptance” because when I accept something that means that I’m OK with it, and I will never be ok with the fact that Nicole was so brutally ripped out of my life and the lives of those who loved her so much, especially her little boy’s life.

My pain will never fade and I will grieve until the day I draw my last breath.

But...somewhere…somewhere between now and the end of my life, however long it continues, I can only pray that I find the guts and the courage to continue my life IN SPITE of Nicole’s death.  I do believe I will eventually be able to do that, and honor her memory with love and laughter as she so deserved.

My husband still needs a wife, my children their mother, and my grandchildren their grandmother. I guess even my animals need me. And who’s to say their needs aren’t as important as the needs of any other living soul?

I would ask all of you, from this very second forward, to truly put the past where it belongs: IN THE PAST. Forgive those who have hurt you because tomorrow they may not be there to forgive.

Don’t allow pride or past injustices to deny you the love and

companionship of people that you really want and need in your lives.

Guilt is a very normal and common emotion felt by those who have lost a loved one, even if one was on the best of terms with them. But if your loved one dies and you have unresolved issues, guilt

will eat away at you until you are nothing but a black hole and haunt your days until the end of your life.

By making things right with your God, yourself, and your loved ones, you are buying yourself a small fragment of PEACE to use when somebody you love dies. And even thought it will be small

and seemingly meaningless while they are alive, you will treasure it more than I can ever tell you if and when you come to use it. It will set you free eventually.

Work hard, play hard, and love the hardest of all. Refuse to let anger and resentment rob you of the joy of your loved ones if it has in the past. Tomorrow really can be THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

These are the things that my daughter taught me when she died.

ANNI

[mikesmomrs]

My dear BI friends...my roller coaster has been put into gear again...I am just popping in quickly while I catch my breath to ask for prayers from you all...I don't have time to say much more right now.  I have been in the ER with my precious daughter, Cathi, since 10 this morning...she was having what seemed to me some heart attack symptoms...she told me yesterday about them and I told her she needed to go to the ER...she said she thought it was a pinched nerve...today she finally called her dr and was told to get to the ER...I think someone from work drove her.  Anyway, they have kept her overnight for more observation...the EKG was okay, but they think perhaps her thoracic muscle is not getting enough oxygen (and I may have that all wrong...my brain is on overdrive right now), and are monitoring her and want to do some more blood work hourly, and they are doing a stress test tomorrow.  She is in ICU.  I have to go back, after I go to her house and let her dog out and feed the other animals. If I lost her, I would likely die as well.  Although, I guess I would have to somehow find the strength to stay here and help my hubby!

take care, peace, and please keep her in your prayers...

love to all,

Carol  mikesmomrs

ps:  When we came out of the hospital, there was a heart shaped mark on the sidewalk as we got in to our car...

[mikesmum]

Mike - be with your mum Cathi and your dad....they need your strength.  I know the heart shape on the sidewalk was you letting them know no matter what you are with them....

 

[lolynbo]

After Nicole's death, I am as frozen emotionally as a popsicle.

WE UNDERSTAND...TOTALLY

KIMBERLY IS VERY QUIET, VERY DEPRESSED...ITS HARD TO LOSS A LOVE EVEN PUPPY LOVE...

IVE BEEN ORDERING SO MUCH, GOT HE BUTTERFLIES ORDERED TODAY I DECIDED ON THE SONGS I WILL PLAY...BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL FROM FRACHESCA BARASTELLI (SP) AND SAVE A PLACE FOR ME BY MATTHEW WEST..JUST KINDA SUMS UP THE EVE...

FOR MEMORIAL WEEKEND WE ARE HAVING A 2 DAY POOL PARTY AND COOK OUT...BOUGHT A MARAGRITA MACHINE AND ALCOHOL, EVERYONE IS TO BRING THERE HAMBERGERS AND HOTDOGS FOR THEM SELVES (CANT SUPPLY ALL THAT)...WE ALSO HAVE A 2 DAY RACE THAT WEEKEND (IN EVE SO WE WILL HAVE TO GET AROUND AND GO RACING)..

LEAST I HAVE SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO , TO KEEP ME GOING...LOVE TO ALL..

THINKING OF YOU WITHTHE MEMORIAL OF YOUR SWEET DAUGHTER...

[aviemare]

I swear, this is the only place that really understands how F***ed up I truly am!  Copious amounts of alcohol sound so good right now.  I wish I partook of the grape!

Even one teensy weensy little drinkie gets me so messed up that it's like I had 10. 

When I worked for a bankruptcy firm they used to do "power lunches" that involved whatever we wanted to drink and trips to Tiffany's for Christmas for the girls.  After just two drinks I was saying to my clients:  "Your broke!  No $hit!! Me too~! HAHA"

Needless to say, I had to have virgin drinks from then on. lol 

Yes, I am dreading tomorrow.  I have finally reached that much longed-for state of oblivion where I can watch the 5 mini-movies we did without blubbering like a jelly.  But wait.  Wait till it's over. 

One day...who knows when...probably when my little pea brain has deemed me strong enough...the full reality of Nicole's death will come crashing down on me and I will fall apart for a good while.  I think after a child's death we must be re-born and "evolve" much like all children do:  we must start out slowly by learning to crawl, then stand, then walk, and eventually we run again.

But for now, even crawling is a step above where many of us are at, huh?

Peace & Happy Trails Always,

Anni

[lolynbo]

YAL NO IM COMING UP TO KOURTNEYS 2ND ANGELVERSARY...AND BRENT SENT PICS OF THE NURSERY THEY OTHER DAY...AND I ALMOST HYPERVENTALED (SP)..I SEEM TO BE DOING THAT ALOT MORE...DO YAL DO THAT...ITS LIKE I CANT CATCH MY BREATH...

ME AND MY GIRLS

[summergirl]

Betsy - I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, my prayers are with you.

Carol - what a scary place for you right now, I am praying hard for Cathi and I know that Mike is watching over her - shown by the heart on the sidewalk. How much can we handle ??  we have all been hit with the worst that can happen to a parent and now you are faced with another slam....hold tight my friend, we are all here.

Nicole's mom - I am sorry that I do not have the time right now to post to your words but promise to catch up tomorrow.  It has been one of those days.

Thinking of all of you my dear indigo's....Love and Peace, Kathy

[momgran]

Dear Carol:  I am praying and sending out the most positive thoughts that my mind, heart and soul can muster for your Cathi's good health!  She's in good hands now, medically and spiritually!

Dee:  Thanks for your sweet words!! Little Maggie is gorgeous...can't say the same for the old broad in the photo   I've had bouts of depression over the years but this past year sure takes the cake!  But we all know that nothing we've experienced can compare to our loss.

Betsy:  I've been away so long and there are sadly so many 'new' people here that it will take me a while to get to know you all but I want to say firstly, how sorry I am that you lost your sweet boy, Rich and now your dear Mom.  AND your uncle.  It's good that you were able to spend those last moments with her.

Lorri:  How sad that you lost your Kourtney and now your daughter has lost her precious pet.   There are no reprieves after we lose our children.  Life goes on for better or worse, doesn't it!

Anni:  Such a dreadful time for you, such early days after losing your dear Nicole.  I hope you find the strength to get through tomorrow and are able to find some comfort in the love and support of family and friends.  I don't think parents are ever expected to speak at their child's memorial unless they feel strong enough because it is such an emotional time for you.  There's no shame whatsoever in not speaking if you're not up to it.

 Love peace and patience

Debbie

[mpsmom]

Anni, the speech you have written for your daughters Nichole's memorial service is absolutely amazing.  I havent been posting much often , but i do come to read often.   I lost my only child, my 17 year old daughter to sudden heart death, september 20, 2008.  Seems like yesterday and a hundred years ago all in the same breath.  I miss her every minute of every day .

The searing pain does get 'softer' but I would say --- it never leaves us. 

WARMS HUGS and strength for her services.... .

Marcia    Bethany's Mom Forever

 

Carol------------My prayers are with you and your daughter, I hope they figure out that is is something simple and she will be home very soon. 

 

Keeping you all in my heart and in my prayers...

 

[Guest]

Anni - The words you have written are powerful and cut straight to the truth of the matter.  The service you have planned for your daughter sounds beautiful and magical.  I pray some miracle of peace envelopes you as you walk through one of the hardest days of this new journey.  For me, the full reality of my daughters death literally took my breath away those first few months.  It would hit with sharp, piercing precision.  Each time it was a shock to my system.  I tried to make myself grasp the reality of the situation so I could move past the pain.  Now, I just try to move with it and enjoy the reprieve when it comes.  And, it does come.  Peace and strength be with you tomorrow!

Carol - How much more must one family be asked to endure?  I wish I had comforting words to offer you during this uncertain time.  What I can say is YOU and your family will be front and center in my thoughts, prayers, meditation and intention.  I pray you a miracle!  I pray you divine intuition and inspiration.  I pray you strength.  I pray you peace.  I pray you a vision.  I pray that the angels of healing be released to work in the lives of your daughter and your husband!  And, I pray that the Creator of ALL creation remove fear from your heart and your thoughts.  I pray you rest!

If the Christians are right, I hope Jesus returns, like tomorrow!  If the Mayan's are right, I hope we can all hold on until 12/21/2012.  If Stephen Hawking is right, I hope he's wrong!  LOL  Maybe their nice aliens after all...

Today I've been practicing unclenching my fists....relaxing my body and feeling the pain.  I'm a slow learner, but I'm learning that walking WITH the pain is less painful than fighting it.

I love you all with the sun and a horse!

Susannah

[momgran]

Marcia:  Your daughter Bethany was so very young when you lost her. In her photo she's  beautiful!  My heart goes out to you.  We all know how it feels to lose a child and if we have living children, it is very difficult to focus on them in the early days of our grief because the void that's left when we lose a child is so immense..  But I do have my son and daugher-in-law and my new grandaugher, so our experiences are very different.  Your only child.  The only thing we're guaranteed is our attitude in any given situation...we grieve and we flail and we somehow eventually 'come to terms', and I'm pretty sure that's the best we can do.  But that's not bad...because it can lead to accepting also that we don't know what's round the corner and there still can be joyful momentss

I  posted this verse on my Pippa and Kieran's website for their 3rd Angel Day.\

Grief fills the room up of my absent child,

Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me

Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,

Remembers me of all his gracious parts,

Stuffs out his gracious garments with his form;

Then have I reason to be fond of grief.

-William Shakespeare - King John

 

Love Peace and Patience, Marcia!

Debbie

[momgran]

PS...Marcia: The pain doesn't ever leave you...it does soften most of the time...but there are times that take you right back to the beginning!   But I'm learning not to define myself by that grief and loss...it's so hard..but I'm learning to get in touch with my true self and what Pippa aned Kieran meant to me and my life and what an amazing contriubion they made to this world! And they never really left me.

xxx

[hotsauce]

Besty, i am so sorry for the loss of your mother.  it seems like things never get easy. love and you and your family are in my prayers.

mary ann

[Guest]

Carol - Keeping you in the forethought of my heart and mind!

Today is Mariah's 9th birthday!  She is so excited.  "I'm not a little girl anymore, Grandma!"    She has to wait until 3 to receive her new bike, that her dad bought, and the helmet and gear to go with it.  It's a surprise!  Shhh...

A bright yellow bird flew over me this morning!  Thank you, Steph!

Hoping each of you get some miracle of peace and rest and love today!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

OK YAL KNOW IM 46YRS OLD AND IHAD NEVER SEEN A WHITE DOVE B4, UNTIL THIS WEEK..I SAW THOSE 3 AT THE CEMETERY  WALKING AROUND , AND I SAW THEM IN FLIGHT AT THE CEMETERY 2 DAYS LATER..I GOOGLED WHAT THE SIGN OF DOVES MEAN AND FOUND THIS PARAGRAPH:

Did you know doves produce their own milk? Yep, it's called "crop milk" or "pigeons milk." It's an oddity in nature for birds to produce their own milk to feed their young. From this unique ability, we can glean symbolism of nurturing. In fact, doves are commonly considered a symbol of motherhood.

WOW...WAS THIS A LIL SIGN FROM KOURTNEY????

BROOKE SAID SHE CAME TO HER IN A DREAM:.."I OPENED THE DOOR CUZ SOMEONE WAS KNOCKING , AND IT WAS KOURTNEY, AND SHE SAID "TELL THEM TO LOOK FOR ME IN SOMETHING THAT FLIES"....

MAYBE IM REACHING????

[rlolheiser]

Hello to all my friends.  This week was the end of the school year for my little guy.  I got emotional and tried to remember feeling this way with my girls.  After all it was almost 30 years ago since I had a kindergartner :-)  He came home soaking wet as there is a water fight on the bus the last day of the school year, He grinned ear from ear and all I could think of was how fortunate I was to have a piece of JaBoa in him, to be able to watch him grow and how proud he was to be on the way to first grade.  I really hope I can look at life that way more often.  I have the means to do something good in life and have to accept there is so much that I can't change.

Betsy, my heart goes out to you at this time and prayers of strength also

Carol and Susannah and Trudi:-) thank you for the well wishes.. today was weigh in day again and my total is now up to 30 lbs.  I am so frightened I will quit this diet, but I keep telling myself, that it is my lifeline (sounds strange) but that is how I feel.  I worry that if I quit, I won't last long, I remember 30 lbs ago how badly I was feeling.  I would share with you my lbs, but I am ashamed of myself for letting things get so badly. 

Carol, I hope that Cathi is doing ok, she is in my prayers along with you.                 My teeth are doing so much better, I hope I am done losing one once a year :-)  What a precious picture of Damon! There is nothing sweeter than children sleeping :-)

Trudi, I know I shouldn't take it to heart about the decision of my daughter.  I just know there is so much sickness in her since the JaBoa's passing.  She never forgave herself for the accident.  This man she picked out is terrible, he is hurtful, and he has her totally brainwashed.  I fear for my daughter and there is nothing I can do about it.  The only good thing about the other grandmother having JaBoa's sister is she is safe from him.

Susahhah, Keep up the great work with your grandchildren, you are their anchor in this sea of life.  You keep them healthy, happy, and loved.

Debbie, Thank you for your words of encouragement.  I am so touched by your story, and sorry for your loss.  I have always said that even my loss was not the same of a parent, but it is right up there.  I helped raise my JaBoa the 10 years of her little life, she was a part of me.  The loss of her errupted into a loss of many things.  My daughter for one, but I keep praying she finds her way back.  Now I face the loss of her children, but it is such a different loss.. I am an overly worried grandma, I have been involved in all 7 grandchildrens life from day one, and become the parent of one of them.  It is hard to let go, especially since the accident.  I take care of my mom now who was in the accident and know life will never be the same.  My missing of JaBoa is there each day, but I also get to see her each day in my boy so I am fortunate.  I congratulate you on the new grandbaby..she is such a doll.  I believe that little girl of yours, met your Pippa and Kieran, as I believe my son still plays with his sister from time to time.

Anni, I am thinking of you at this time, wishing there were words of wisdom, but all I can offer is caring.

Well, my friends..  I know I didn't say everything I wanted, I get carried away in posts and miss some of the things I was thinking.. probably a good thing at times.  I again, thank you all for sharing your hearts.  I always come away from the computer feeling touched by you.

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[ericasmom]

First off, Annie, the ceremony sounds like a fittingly beautiful and poignant event. I think that all the work that is going itno it is born of your passion, your compassion and certainly your huge love. Blessings with this.

Debbie, I think that you are glowing in this photo, and very pretty. A smile that envelops all that is dear and holy.

Carol, I am praying like crazy that Cathi is well, that she had bad indigestion, that she is going home today with no worries and nothing alarming. I am praying for you and Ralph and the Children that there is only reason to celebrate and not worry. This is what I am praying. YOu are a constant in my thoughts, please let us know when you do what was up with Cathi when she felt odd.

Lor, love the dove symbol and it is one I have never heard before. So Betsy and you have had white doves this week, how fine. How absolutely beautiful.

I stayed in bed for 12 hours falling asleep at the computer last evening and shaking myself awake, went downstairs to sit with husband, but fell asleep again, so was in bed at 8:40 and did not get out of bed till 9:00. Holy cow, I went for a short walk to my Son's home, 3 blocks away, to check in with his cat while he is away on a fishing trip, and that little walk let me know that I am a bit under the weather. I don't feel sick, but I have no energy and I am actually pondering a nap. So going to follow what my body is telling me, and rest today in between working on report cards. It is cloudy and pleasant out, humid. Tomorrow it is supposed to be 90 and humid. Yikes, that is too warm for me, I love these 60's and 70's. 

Last week a young man was gravely injured in Chicago, and today his folks are taking him off life support, my friend Nadine knows him, knows his folks. His Daddy was on the news yesterday and he choked on the words we have all choked on too, " he will never get to see all the things that he was planning on, he will never be a dad..." I am praying for them, wishing as we all do for a miracle. What we cannot see in those blindlingly sad times is that there are miracles all around, and that the miracles are working in ways that don't feed our wishes, but nevertheless, miracles feeding and answering the prayers of strangers. I think then of the people who wake up with sight the day after some of our Children died, and those whose lives were saved by the gift of life from others who could not be here anymore. God help us see the signs and the miracles of each day.

I love you all,

dee

[ericasmom]

Happy Birthday Mariah! I think that 9 is an awesome age. Many of my students are turning 9 in May, five of them in fact. PARTY!

Leah, you posted while I did...congrats on the work you are doing to become a healthier person. No matter the number you were, are, or will be, the thing is, you are affecting or is that effecting, change. You are taking control and you are showing your little guy that one must take responsibility of one's own life. YOu are being the example of not only loving and nurture to him and for him, but of loving oneself. That is something that many of us forget about, and what we need to remember sometimes is that the person we mourn and grieve is loving us, so we must also love us. JaBoa must be so proud of you, and you know that she loves you fully. Keep it up knowing that this also gives you something each day to be proud of.

[mikesmomrs]

Thank you all so very, very much for your loving support and understanding...you are such a lifeline to me, in so many ways.  I feel as though I can breathe again...feel as though I have been holding my breath for 24 hours.  And, yes, I know that Mike was with us...

Dee:  I am so very sorry for the family who has to turn off the life support for their son...we all know how he feels...we all envelop him in understanding...  I am sorry that you are under the weather...please do rest...likely the end of the year increase in action at a school of grade-school aged children has tired you, so rest, dear friend, rest.

Susannah---give your precious Mariah 9 huge hugs from me...and tell her HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

Betsy:  I hope you are doing okay...so very sorry that you've been trhough so much this last week or so...I am so glad that you got to see your mom...  I lost my mom in 1984 and I still remember it like it was just yesterday...she and I were bery close. 

Anni:  Your ceremony in honor of your precious Nicole sounds so very lovely...I know she is very proud of you, and so happy that you chose to "dress for the occasion."  We are all there with you, holding your hand. 

Leah:  So glad that you are able to have your boy with you...I know that he does keep a connection between you and his sister, JoBoa, in an active, loving way.  A huge congratulation on your weight loss and moving towards a healthier lifestyle...as Dee said, the numbers don't matter...it's the results that count.  Could you send some of that willpower/motivation to me?  lol. 

Debbie:  So very glad to hear from you again, and to see your lovely picture with your granddaughter.  I will reply to your email soon. 

Lorri:  The picture of you with your beautiful daughters---so different and yet so the same, getting their beauty from their mom, for sure.  The doves...just beautiful...if I remember correctly, wasnt there something written about Betsy and a dove, as well?  There have been so many posts this past couple of days and with all the stuff going on here at home, I don't recall.  We used to have a family of morning doves living in a tree by our old house...you could see them sometimes, sitting there with the snow falling about them, all huddled down into themselves against the cold---they almost looked like wooden sculptures on the tree branches...there were five of them.  

Again, to all of you, thank you so very, very much for your support this past 24 hours...it means so much to me to have people I can come to who understand truly how I feel, and to offer their love and support.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

my beautiful daughter Cathi and I...her 40th birthday

[lolynbo]

HEADED TO RACE TRACK...MAYBE KODY WILL WIN ITS THE 22ND AND HE'S #22..SO WISH HIM LUCK...I JUST FIGURED OUT HOW TO POST VIDEOS ON FB SO MAYBE I CAN FIGURE IT OUT FOR BI.

BLESS AND BE BLESSED

[ericasmom]

Annie, let us know how you are after such an emotionally charged day. I hope that the air was filled with Nicole's energy.

GO KODY GO!

Carol, it was Betsy who saw a dove this week, outside her Momma's house I believe, just after she died.

Signs and messages from our angels never cease to amaze and make my heart smile.

[daveydow1]

 

Carol....dear friend----I will pray real hard that all will be ok with your dear

daughter Cathie, and husband Ralph. Thanks for the nice pic.

Betsy----I'm so very sorry to hear of your dear mother's death. I pray for

strength for you, as you have had so much sorrow in you life. Peace be with you.

Anni----The Memorial Service for sweet Nicole must have been lovely....with

the lavender & butterflies theme, and your heartfelt words. May you find

some peace & comfort.

Dee----I hope you can get caught up on sleep, and feel better. I find that ANY

size garden is a soul-soothing thing....big or small. I've lived where I could only

have a small garden & loved it so much. At the condo where I lived previously,

there was no place to garden (and was not permitted).....one could plant in

pots & containers only......Even then, my husband & I still did our 'garden thing',

having a huge patio tomatoe on the tiny porch area, getting many of the other

residents' attention and comments. We had a soft, steady rain last night, so I

think it will help the seeds to sprout.

 

   HAPPY   9TH    BIRTHDAY,   MARIAH !!!!

        PEACE  AND  TRANQUILITY   TO  ALL OF   THE   BI    FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry