Loss of an Adult Child

[hotsauce]

sorry for the double post, don't know what made that happen

[daveydow1]

Rodolfo-----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son. This site will be

here for you anytime you want to come on and post or just read. I'm sorry

that you have need for a site such as Beyond Indigo, but many of us here

have found it to be a lifeline to express how we feel in all of the bends and

twists that the journey gives us. I have been here 7 yrs. in June, along with

Dee. My son, age 31, died Jun 14, 2003 in a highway crash, and I had a 6 mo.

old baby girl who died years ago.  Please come back and read/post whenever you

 feel the need. We're always here. Peace be with you.

Betsy----I'm sorry to hear that your uncle died. Peace & prayers for you and

his family.

Lorri-----Such CUTE flip-flops. ( I wear them, but probably shouldn't  )

Trudi----I agree with you wholeheartedly.......losing a parent is very sad...a

special kind of loss.  But,.....losing a child is out of the natural order of things.

Your dear mother is with your dad, and no longer suffers from all the infirmities

of age. Bless her.  I think we all, here at BI, know how losing a child is a very

different and uniquely devastating event in our lives.......one which every parent

subconsiously dreads.....and then it happens. As others have said...."no answers".

 PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL HERE AT THE BI FAMILY.

                   Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry

[summergirl]

Rodolfo - I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful young son. I can feel the pain in your heart as I read your words, to be so close to the hospital, to have the HOPE, and then to lose him on the way, such a tragedy. I lost my daughter Jessica from heart disease at the age of 26, the doctors could never find what was wrong with her either, I was very angry at them for a very long time but am now in a place where I know it is no one's fault, it was her time to go home to God and as much as I want her here I cannot change what was and is.    You have suffered the worst loss, losing a child, there is nothing worse and the pain will always be with you but with time, lots of time, you will find a softness......right now you must let yourself grieve and come here as much as you can, we will all help you as much as we can....you are in my prayers.    Kathy

[summergirl]

Hello dear indigo's -

Trudi, wonderful pics and so glad that you had such a nice time.

Betsy, I am so sorry for the loss of your uncle.....as Trudi said "we get it"

Lorri - I would def wear those flips - they are adorable and I love them. I would wear flips and sandals year round if I could.

A beautiful day today....we went to a huge sale at my mother-in-laws church and found a few good items. Planted flowers and then took Tavian fishing. It was a good family day, one much needed. Plan on having another one tomorrow as the weather is so beautiful so we must enjoy while we can.

I am missing my girl so much, I was thinking today about what she would be doing if she were still with us.....would she have found someone to love, would she be married, how much different would Tavian's life be ???? so many "I wonder's" that it makes my heart ache and my head spin so I need to just let it go and smile at my wonderful memories...

Love and Peace to all....Kathy

 

[summergirl]

FISHY, FISHY IN THE BROOK

TAVIAN CATCH IT ON A HOOK

MI-MI FRY IT IN A PAN

POP-POP EAT IT LIKE A MAN !!!  

Tavian's fist catch of the season.......what a happy boy !!!

[summergirl]

THIS IS WHY MY HEART KEEPS BEATING !!

[lolynbo]

I GO TO THE CEMETERY EVERY DAY...YESTDAY I SAW 4 GEESES...(LOL) AND TODAY  I SAW

3 WHITE DOVES...IVE NEVER ACTUALLY EVER IN MY LIFE SEEN A WHITE DOVE...KINDA NEATO

[mikesmum]

Today (Sunday) Muttley and I attended the Annual RSPCA Million Paws Walk to raise funds.

It was a beautiful Autumn day.  Muttley made many friends, even caught up with ?family.  It was such a great event.  I went to the one held in Warragul.  I moved there as a new bride in '74 and  a new mum with Micheal in '75.  Back then it was a true country town.  Imagine my surprise when there were latte's being served on SUNDAYS in the main street!!

Muttley already with bandana!

Possibly long lost family?

Our group heading off

My Indigo friends I will be taking you all with me Tuesday as I face I hope the last assessment for my 'suitability' to return to my work.  Hopefully the feeling of you all who get it without words will give me strength to face those who never will.

Trudi

[mikesmomrs]

Betsy:  I am so sorry about the passing of your uncle.  Please stay safe as you drive to your mom’s and then to the services.   You will be in our hearts and thoughts as you travel the same path that took you to Rich’s services…Yes, Trudi was right…the unnatural order of us losing our children is just that…unnatural.  It just shouldn’t happen that way.

Lorri:  I do love the flips, but alas, like many here have said, I can’t wear them either, though would at least put them on display.  What a nice friend to do that for you.

Kathy:  the pics of Tavian and his fish are just awesome…so great that he caught such a beauty.    He looks so very happy…Jess is surely smiling on all of you.

Rudolfo:  I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious little son…to be so close, and to have it all end must have been so very difficult…I am glad that he went peacefully, with his mommy and daddy right there, but I know that the sorrow ripped through you and is still with you and your wife.  You have come to a good place, a place where you will receive support, caring and most of all, understanding. 

Friday was my daughter Cathi’s birthday.  She is now 42.  She said she is going to use reverse psychology and tell everyone that she is now 60…that way they will tell her how wonderful she looks for her age!  She looks wonderful and awesome to me, no matter what she says…  Last night I couldn’t sleep and stayed up, culling photos of her from infancy on, and made a collage.  The pictures are taken from all the different places we lived, beginning with North Carolina, where she was born, then NH, then Nebraska, TX, NH again, then Guam, then CA, and then Italy, where we lived for two years and came home to NH to retire from the military.  She hasn’t seen the collage yet…we are celebrating her birthday on Sunday afternoon, due to Jamie’s baseball schedule this weekend, so I will give it to her then. 

  (the pic of her in the second row, with the bandages over her eyes, was a severe allergy attack while in Italy---funny, years later, but frightening when it happened)

As you all know, Ralph and I went for his second opinion on Thursday.  The days since then have not been too grand.  This is the first time that it has been put into words that he likely has cancer…not “there is a 20% chance that you don’t,” or “we’re going to see what happens,” etc.  This doctor, after a lengthy interview, exam and review of all the scans and reports and discussion of the discussions, said “So, do I think you have cancer?  Yes, I do.”   Then he went on to describe that likely the only way they would know for sure would be to do surgery.  But, he said that a biopsy will only tell them if he HAS it; it can’t tell them if he doesn’t, because in doing the biopsy, the needle may miss any cancer cells involved.  So, for now, they are arranging to do the kidney function comparison test, and then they are arranging a meeting with their (the cancer treatment center’s) anesthesiologist and pulmonologist and us, to discuss the options and risks, etc.  He said this should all come together in the next month or less.  He also said that we could wait through the summer to do anything (if it is the decision to do anything), but then the window of opportunity to treat may be lost.  I am heartbroken, and Ralph is in a daze.  He has been down since coming home, but today seemed to be a little less pensive.  He is having a difficult time, I think, grappling with the idea that in his heart he wants to turn this all over to God and have faith that he will be given the strength to face whatever comes, and then the human emotions come into play regarding anger and despair and he feels as though he is not displaying or feeling the faith that he knows he has.  I’ve tried to tell him that I don’t think that God would be upset with him about that…that we are only human and these feelings are perfectly natural.  However, he hasn’t had a doctor look at him before and say “Yes, I do think you have cancer” and I think this has derailed him somewhat.  Of course, the subject of eventual dialysis came into play, and he is very uncomfortable with that whole thing.  I think we need to look into that, and see what it actually entails, and perhaps he won’t be so afraid of it after he knows more about it.

I am sorry to bring this to you all, but I know that you all understand how hurt my heart already is, and how difficult it was to go with him to this center, and how shocking and pain-filled it was to me when we walked through the door to the section he had to go to, and saw that it was the very same section that I walked through with Mike, four years ago this month, when he went there for a possible clinical trial (which they didn't have at the time).  Since Mike was dealing with neurological issues, I didn’t think we would be going to the very same office and was totally unprepared to find myself in that very same doorway.  It didn’t help that just as we got there, a young couple walked in, with their baby in a stroller, which is exactly what Mike and Sarah did the day we all went there.    I wanted to run screaming out of the building and just keep on running.  Ralph understood, and he helped me through it, and of course once we got in there and actually started with the appointment, I was” okay.”  Or, as okay as I could be, reliving one of the worst days of my life…in the worst way possible…dealing with it with someone else that I love and I have no control whatsoever over the outcome.  Meantime, we just continue to take one breath at a time, and try very hard to look for the diamonds in the day---Mike told us "there's always one somewhere, no matter what, no matter how small."   Today, Ralph took the boys to the movies to see Iron Man 2, and they had a good time.   I slept a very deep sleep all afternoon, exhausted still from the Thursday's 200 mile trip, laced with anxiety and thoughts racing through my brain of what all this means.

To all my Indigo friends...Susannah, Claudia, Marcia (so glad you both had a good time during your visit), Betty, Beth, Mary ann, Sherry, Colleen, Bonnie, and all of you, though I may not have mentioned everyone, you are all close in my heart, and in my thoughts every day.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

ps:  Yes, I do wonderfully and gratefully have my computer back, and didn't type this lengthy post on the teeny-tiny keyboard of hubby's phone!!!

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  we posted at the same time...GREAT pics of Muttley...looks like long-lost family to me!  Oh yes, dear friend, we will all be with you on Tuesday, wishing so much we could be there in person to let them all know who they are messing with!!!  I pray all goes well...I know that Micheal will be with you, cheering you on and giving you strength.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mysonrich]

I have enjoyed all the pictures. flip=flops, merry go-rounds, fish( dinner) pics, angel and snow gardens, houses that don't seem to need paint .....thanks for your kind words everyone.

drove out to see my mom yesterday. to break up the trip I stopped at a friends house. she has been a friend since 7th grade. she purchased a house that needed total rehab but the view! I will get a pic of that later. and the house looks good now, her 2nd country home.

Mom has cancer. it is in her liver and it has metastasized . she doesn't want any treatment. she asked me what I thought. what the hell, I know what I would do for myself but not her. so we talked about that for a little.

right now I'd just rather post pictures. 

  on the way to see Mom, a pit stop near Raffaellas, aka Alice

 

One morning last week. My backyard view

aka Alice and Roy..Alice is 4'11", never made it to 5' and rides a '55 Panhead Harley. don't mind Roys jeans, he was working on the house.

 

 Betsy,mysonRich

 

[ericasmom]

And we wake up on a new day.

Betsy, I am happy that you and your Mom had the talk you did. I know that the circumstances are hard, but the freedom to talk with your Mom about such issues as one's days, is pretty dear. Poignant and dear. I love the photos of both Alice and Roy and theland, and especially your view.

The photo of my house doesn't show the paint peeling, only because my little cam does not zoom like my old one. If we had it repainted $$$$$, I would probably choose a gray and yellow with green trim.

Tavian, have you met Greg? Two champion fishermen. Sweet.

Carol, my heart holds you close as you and Ralph find ways to turn this corner. I am sorry for your aching hearts, for the worry and fear that rests there. Damn. Please wrap your arms around Ralph for me and give him a hug of good days and great hope and faith. NOw tell him to do the same to you for me. Thanks. Hang on Carol.

I think that Cathi is going to LOVE the collage. what a great Momma you are.

Trudi, I love Muttley's friends, must have had a strong gene there. What kind of walk was this on the lovely day? IT sure looks well attended and the thought of you and Muttley under such blue skies makes me happy. On Tuesday, know that you have an army of friends with you who are all saying, " listen to her heart and you will know her soul."

[mikesmum]

Betsy - I love your pics.  You're right, I know what my plan is god forbid I am diagnosed, but advising your mum,  not something I would be able to do.

Best I can offer is listen to what you mum's wishes would be.  Go with her if you can to appointments where you can ask the questions (written down before you go) to see what her options actually are. 

Carol & Ralph - Same for you two.  You have a strong faith and that I believe will give you the strength to push through whatever comes your way.  I know its hard to get up of the mat when they keep knocking you down...heck I should know I feel like I live down there, but you really have come through some crap and maybe, just maybe this time you will cop a break....you know, like the Sox winning the pennant? (lol).

Really tired tonight.  Have to put together what is a summary of my life now, compared to 3yrs 4months ago.  One sentence would suffice for me.....

Peace to you all.....night from the Southern Hemisphere!!

[Guest]

Carol - I don't know what to say.  But, you know me, I'll say it anyway.  Somehow saying to keep the faith.  Have hope.  There's always a chance.  Hold onto that 20%.  It all seems so trite now.  Saying that to you, anyway...and others on this site.  We know the worst can and does happen.  When my son's suicide attempt failed last week, my sister said it's because our family has already been through so much, God isn't going to "take" any more from us.  I'm glad the communication was by email so she couldn't see my laughter.  He/She sure as hell can too!! 

I've come to a point of acceptance or resignation.  Realizing that "Thy will be done" isn't giving Creation permission to do what they want, because they/he/she/it doesn't need my permission.  But, rather (for me) it's my way of connecting or finding companionship or just strength that maybe, just maybe there is a greater purpose to be served than just this physical life.  Maybe this physical life really is just a blink of an eye in eternity.  Maybe to the wiser, more powerful creation, which we cannot see, this earth life is similar to the first day of school for the kindergartner.  They know we are safe and watched over and the skinned knee will heal and at the end of the day we will be home, safe and sound with our Creator. 

Maybe.  Anyway, for me, right now, I'm not fighting.  I'm allowing the wind to blow.  I'm accepting the snow in May. (albeit with raised eyebrows). 

My son is still suicidal.  All the right people know.  It was a harsh dose of reality to realize I can't save him.  He might succeed.  And, he might find a miracle.  Although at this point I'm not sure if the miracle is in staying here or being allowed to leave. 

I do run off at the mouth!!

Anyway, Carol....you and Ralph are in my thoughts and heart for strength and peace.  I just shake my head, with raised eyebrows, at the Creator's work...much like the snow in May.  (Are you sure you know what you're doing? asking God...not YOU ) 

I send love!  lots of love!!

Susannah

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos 

Dear Carol, I  am so very sorry that you and Ralph must face another of life's most painful situations.  I know that your Faith is strong and that you will walk hand and hand with this one moment at a time .  We are all with you and pray that God holds you in the palm of His hand.  You both will be in my prayers.

Trudi I loved seeing Mutley, my virtual pet at the walkathon.  I know he is still busy bringing cheer to the home bound .  Praying for you as you face your next hearing.  I know that Michael will inspire you to respond with clarity and dignity and you will be heard.

Betsy I am glad you and mom could talk and you could hear her wishes.  I am so very sorry for the news.   Please keep showing up here and sharing your heart and pictures.  Loved the latest from your back yard.  I could not find my camera since I returned from Stephen's over 3 years ago.  I bought one yesterday so now I will be one step closer to normal again.  Maybe I will take a picture some day soon again.

Dear Susannah I hear you   You and your family are in my prayers.  I know what you are saying!!!

Dee, Loved your house as well.  Please be gentle with yourself at the showe.  I saw one of Stephen's friends yesterday  He still looked like he did at 8 year old and came to my house.  I felt Stephen so close with his friend.  He was so happy, full of life and (IF ONLY) passed sadly  thru my mind  !!

Sherry I miss hearing about your new home  

Lorrie, Kathy, Sonya, MaryAnn, Leah, Greg and Dan   and all other Indigos , thanks for keeping the pictures going  and showing up and posting   It is great to see your angels faces as I sign on.  I wish I could participate like before  some day maybe

Betty Stephen'smom forever:)

[mysonrich]

Betty, snap away. It helps me. Takes my mind away, gives me different things to think about.

Doctor called again this morn, said my Mom has phenomena and stage 4 cancer.Looks like liver and lung cancer which has metastasized.

 

 She doesn't want treatment and her doctor said it would not help, no quality of life..as if...cancer doc will be in tomorrow, might be able to give me a time frame ..how much time she has left. 

 

Carol, you two are in my prayers.

 

[ericasmom]

Betsy, so sorry that your Mum has this terrible disease. It is how my Mom died the year before ERi died. She had had lung cancer, then treated, then it came back and very strongly so. Then it spread. It sounds like your Mom understands the implications. I am sorry that you are now dealing with this, and yet am glad that your Mom has you to help her understand the time frame.

Blessings Dearheart,

dee

Just returned from a wake for the foster brother of ERi's dear friend, Caitlin. It was about a 45 minute drive, the neighborhood David grew up in before moving in with Cait's family. He was dearly loved by very many folks. One guy there had tear tattoos under his eyes, which indicates his kills. Two tears on his face, and over those were real tears. Many men both gentle and those David and his Brother met in less than great circumstances, wept openly. David was well loved. Eri's Buddies were there in support of Cait, not a dry eye. I could not stay for the funeral, which was being held at the funeral home, the wake was enough. Going in the garden to work with the living now.

Love to all,

dee

[mysonrich]

Enjoy your garden Dee.

[heartbeataway]

Oh my ..... such a tough day on Beyond Indigo Lane ......

Carol, Trudi, Susannah, Dee, Betsy, Kathy ...... holding you close to my heart.

Love and strength for the journey,

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[ericasmom]

I am back from the garden and feel rejuvinated some. My eyes are swollen adn my nose still red but something wonderful happens when I dig in soil and plant little flowers. I feel a part of the earth and part of the life cycle. I got up on the ladder and planted about 40 red rockets; tall salvia. This is such a nice thing to have in the front window boxes because it attracts hummers but also, from inside the room which is painted a bright paprika, the plants grow to about 24 inches and surround the windows with red. Just beautiful but they will take some time to do so. Right now they are all but 5 inches tall. The clematis are blooming as though we did something special to them this year, but I think it simply is the early onset of spring got them started, and then the cold snap allowed them to slow down the blooming process and now the blooms are bigger adn richer in tone than ever. One is a deep  looks like velvet, the giant blossoms of burgandy.

So my schedule is off, I now have to go to the grocery. See you all later.

Prayers for all of those in the midst of changes that are tenuous.

dee

[hotrod]

Dear Betsy,

I am so very sorry that you have had this very bad news about your Mom's  diagnosis.  I agree with Dee, she is very fortunate to have you with her at this difficult time.  You are an inspiration to me with your honesty , humor and wisdom.  These are powerful gifts that you bring to this board and will sustain you and mom during this dificult time.    I am so glad that you introduced your mom  to us last week because  I feel as if I know her already .  I have  had  a glimpse into her full life with all of her  determination, strength, love. Please be very gentle with yourself during this time and  Try to rest.  I did not take any pictures today but I am looking for shots  That is progress.

Dee  and Carol and all Indigos I am praying that we all walk hand in hand thru whatever comes next in our lives.  I am proud to know all of you.

 

Betty Stephen'smomForever:)

[daveydow1]

Carol----Oh so sorry to hear of Ralph's diagnosis of cancer. I will keep you

both in my prayers. Peace , friend.

Betsy----Also sorry to learn of your dear Mom's cancer. News like this is so

very hard to deal with. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and had only 6

mo. to live (he died in 1994). We spent a good bit of quality time together,

and although it was bittersweet, I have many good memories. I will pray

that you mom can be as comfortable as possible. So sorry.

Kathy----Great pics of Tav and his fish.

Trudi---Nice pics of Muttley. He's a beautiful dog, and the benefit must have

been a success.

Betty----Well.....everything is GROWING.....including the grass. We finally got a

good mower, after the first one (brand new) blew up, and my husband asked

for a refund....which they gave us. I have been giving rhubard to family, and

freezing it for us. Planted onion sets. The beets came up, but the rabbits soon

made fast work of the  tender sprouts. I'll have to replant. Thank goodness I

was able to get sattelite for my computer, or I would have been gone from BI.

Dialup took hours to do anything. I put on a mask and swept the barn floor out

today, while my husband mowed. My daughter gave me a life-size garden owl

to scare away 'varmits'.....I put him on the grape arbor post. When the wind

blows, he turns around in different directions.

 

Lorri---So nice that you saw the white doves......Kourtney was surely smiling

down saying....."Not the GEESE Mom.......Look at the Doves ! " 

   Take care ALL MY INDIGO  FRIENDS.

            Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[daveydow1]

Carol----Oh so sorry to hear of Ralph's diagnosis of cancer. I will keep you

both in my prayers. Peace , friend.

Betsy----Also sorry to learn of your dear Mom's cancer. News like this is so

very hard to deal with. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and had only 6

mo. to live (he died in 1994). We spent a good bit of quality time together,

and although it was bittersweet, I have many good memories. I will pray

that you mom can be as comfortable as possible. So sorry.

Kathy----Great pics of Tav and his fish.

Trudi---Nice pics of Muttley. He's a beautiful dog, and the benefit must have

been a success.

Betty----Well.....everything is GROWING.....including the grass. We finally got a

good mower, after the first one (brand new) blew up, and my husband asked

for a refund....which they gave us. I have been giving rhubard to family, and

freezing it for us. Planted onion sets. The beets came up, but the rabbits soon

made fast work of the  tender sprouts. I'll have to replant. Thank goodness I

was able to get sattelite for my computer, or I would have been gone from BI.

Dialup took hours to do anything. I put on a mask and swept the barn floor out

today, while my husband mowed. My daughter gave me a life-size garden owl

to scare away 'varmits'.....I put him on the grape arbor post. When the wind

blows, he turns around in different directions.

 

Lorri---So nice that you saw the white doves......Kourtney was surely smiling

down saying....."Not the GEESE Mom.......Look at the Doves ! " 

   Take care ALL MY INDIGO  FRIENDS.

            Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[summergirl]

Hello dear indigo's

Betsy, am so sorry to hear of your mom's diagnosis...am so glad that you two could talk and that you are there for her.....what a rough journey we walk.

Carol - no words to say that have not been said by Dee, Trudi and others....in my prayers as you and Ralph face an uncertain future...holding you close.

Another beautiful sunny day....worked in my garden (Dee, so true about getting your hands in the soil) it is beginning to come together so beautiful, will post pics soon.  Took Tavian fishing again but no fish today so he went swimming !! took his freind Justin with us....they had a great time. It was the best weekend I have had in a very long time.  I am so sorry to come here and see such heartbreak but that is what we are here for isn't it, to be here for every up and down we each go through....

Trudi - virtual hugs to you and holding you close as Tuesday approaches. Hold tight my friend we are all with you.

Long week end so I will say good night and go get Tavian off to bed.  Take care and peace my friends..Kathy

[ericasmom]

Sherry, you have a whole farm going with the vegetables and sweeping out the barn. Holy Cow. I love the life-size owl thing. We did that in our tiny yard in Oak Park when the kids were little to keep bunnies and other munchers away. One of my favorite books to read aloud to my students each year is about a mouse whose boyfriend mouse is eaten by a mean owl. Anyway, the mean owl is terrified of the place in the story called, 'new-house' and no mouse knows why until Poppy, the main character discovers this owl. Great book, it is a chapter book so if any of you have grandkids that are between 8-10, this book could be a delight. I read it every year for 11 years now, and never grow tired of it. It is called, Poppy by AVI.

Betty, so good to see your smiling Boy today. I agree with you when you tell Betsy that her sense of humor is a delight for everyone here. How NYC looking this spring?

Kathy, what a nice thing to read that you have had a glorious weekend. Good for you guys. I have a busy week ahead too, and it almost stops me in my tracks to think of all that must get done, but it will get done somehow.

Loving you All,

dee

[lolynbo]

MINE AND MONTYS TATTOOS..I DONT NO HOW TO POST EM TOGETHER SO BARE WITH ME...

[lolynbo]

MINE AND MONTYS TATTOOS..I DONT NO HOW TO POST EM TOGETHER SO BARE WITH ME...

[lolynbo]

CAROL, JUST READ YOUR POST...IM PRAYING FOR YAL....GOD IS THE HEALER OF HEALERS....LOVE TO YOU BOTH ...LOVE YOU RALPHIE...XOXOXOXOX

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol, I am just now catching up. Thanks for updating us. I wish I had words that could "fix it"...... HUGS!! You and Ralph will remain in my prayers.... I wish I could do or say so much more.....

[rodolfo]

thank to all for your comments, i am praying for all of you, that right now are facing more problems. i have been having good and bad hours.

i like to think that sudden cardiac arrest of my son was in the middle of the road with only his mother and i was the decison made by god,  he was better than ever. probably he was going to have a cardac arrest in the hospital and if they ever going to bring him back he maybe will have another problems like with his brain or something this way he didnt sufer , well i like to think this way, also why i dint happen at our house with his brothers or at school o even at home when he was sleeping. i dont know.

he was very brave of all rthe times that he was at hpsotal he never cried or show scare with all the thing they ever done to him, he never ask why i never get better, he never ask i am going to die, we tried that when we talk to the doctor he didnt heard us. but also the last doctor toll him that with the stem cells he was going to get better he never show any emotions almost like he knew, the happy ones where us.

you know he wrote a letter to his mom before he died, it was for mothers day he wrote it 3 week before he died, my wife found it in his school bag, it was very sad an the at the ende of the letter it said"I WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU" we like to thik that he some how was feeling something because when you finished this kind of letter usually you said love you or something like that. tomorroe he will be 3 weeks since he died time flyes very fast.

i am also ver conservative i have a lot of friend, but i dont open my heart very easy, one month before my son wa sdiagnosed with heart disease my best friend of all time died of a stroke, so when my boy was diagnosed and begin with a lot of problems i was alone and in the journey of his disease i was all alone, even doe i have a large family is not the same when you dont have your friend

heres a picture of my family 2 months before he was diagnosed with the enlarge heart,he is the middle one we where at puerto vallarta i dirve all the way to ther and we where 10 day out in all the cities on the way to there,

thanks again to all, praying for all

rodolfo

[ericasmom]

Goodnight All,

loving thoughts and many prayers are being said. RIght now, a young 8 year old is missing in the Chicago River after having an outing with his family, the dive teams were called at 6:00 THIS EVENING and they have not found him. The ache in the momma's voice and the anguish in the Daddy's face and the big brother's realization all unfolding on the news tonight. Too sad, and then there is another family facing the impossible. Somehow, we continue.

From a book called Finding Hope given to me when Erica died:

Nature has created humankind

to no other end

but to lend and to borrow.

by Francois Rabelais

[mysonrich]

Rodolfo, a beautiful family.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

 

Rodolfo Your little boy sounds so very brave ,kind and wise. What a beautiful gift he left you and his Mom  in the  letter that he wrote.  That is a treasure.  I am so sorry that you lost your long time friend and do not have his comfort as you go thru this most difficult time.  Please consider us your close friends and share your heart here.  We really do understand.  The picture of your family is so beautiful.  

 

Sherry  Your new home sounds so very lovely.  A barn, grape arbor and  a life-size garden owl

to scare away 'varmints How special!!!   So glad your husband was able to obtain a new powerful lawn mower (one that you ride on I hope) and that you were able to solve the computer connection issue. I would have really missed seeing Davey's handsome face and hearing about your  vegetable garden and the little creatures eating your plantings 

 

Dee   The day yesterday sounded difficult.  I am glad you could work in the garden and plant some beauty to cheer your hurting soul.

 

Lorrie Loved the "Tats"

 

Betsy and  Carol  Please be gentle with yourselves today. You are in my thoughts and prayers 

 

Dear Indigos I hope you each have a Blessed Day

 

Betty

Stephen'smom Forever:)

[shorty16]

Hello Indigos

I have to tell you how not-smart I can actually be.

Trudi sent me a 2010 bird calendar from Australia.  I have been looking for Memorial Day on this calendar since the beginning of May and I just realized?!@#

This is an Australian calendar, it will not have US holidays.

OMG

I am laughing at myself.  Hope you are laughing at me too.  If I can make you laugh today, it will be worth it.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[4everjoeysmom]

Rodolfo, What a beautiful boy!! Beautiful family too!

Many of us here have shared how strange it seems that our children did things and behaved in a way as if they knew they would be leaving us early. Can't explain it. It's a mystery. Maybe it's God's way of preparing them and us. We can never truly be prepared for such a loss. But when certain things are said and done to help us realize all the things we should have done or said when they were with us, I think that's like a gift of some kind. I remember how many people told me that Joey did or said to them things that were special and un-ordinary just days or weeks before he died, and how healing that was for them. I thank God for those unexplainable gifts. The Mother's Day letter to your wife is like that. Amazing!

You have a spiritually healthy outlook, it seems. It doesn't reduce the pain, but it does help with healing, in time. God bless you and provide for you all the compassion, love, help and healing you need. I am glad you found this web site to share. I am so sorry you have no close friend to talk to about the deepest things in your heart. You can feel comfortable to share here anything you feel and want to share. HUGS and Blessings to you and your family! ~Claudia

[heartbeataway]

Rodolfo,

Beautiful family .....

Our son seemed to "prepare" us in the months before he died.  We didn't realize it until he was gone and we were making preparations and carrying on or trying to carry on with life.

You'll find and I personally think, you need to do it in your own time, that life has forever changed. Nothing will be the same. No morning, no evening, no dinner, no celebration, no holiday, no shopping trip ....... NOTHING will be the same except...... your love and your memories of your son.

Hang on to them.  You'll find that in time you'll go to them for comfort and you'll find that connection to your son will not be forgotten, it will grow in sweet ways.  It will soften the heavy grief burden that you carry around.

Colleen,

I'm not laughing ..... but I am smiling.  That is so something I would do!

I am so disappointed!  Our good friends in New York who, were our best man and maid of honor at our wedding ..... have a daughter who is having a wedding celebration the weekend of the AR trip!  So, as much as I wanted and planned to be there.  I'm going to miss the event!  Damn!

Strength for the journey,

Bonnie, Jasons Mom

[Guest]

"Mommy's swimming in my heart."  Mariah told me last night.  "It makes me happy."

What a gift that child has!

Not much to say.  Just keeping you all in my heart and thoughts!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Rodolpho, what a handsome Young Man your Boy is, and a lovely family photo.

I too think that many of our Children did have some way of knowing, maybe not concretely but somehow knowing that time here was limited. He was and always will be your brave little man, and he left here in the midst of the love that brought him here to begin his life. You and your Wife. Blessings to you all as you find your way. Be kind to yourselves please, as HE would want you to be.

Dee

[briansdad]

[user=39355]msnher[/user] wrote:

"Mommy's swimming in my heart."  Mariah told me last night.  "It makes me happy."

What a gift that child has!

Not much to say.  Just keeping you all in my heart and thoughts!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

Susannah,

THAT IS WHY WE GET UP IN THE MORNING!!! Our grandkids....the things they say.

Greg

[shorty16]

To those with Grandchildren

I, for one, love hearing the stories of your grandchildren.  My Brian died before he was old enough to have children.  Several others on BI are like that also.

Those of you who have Grandchildren, you are truly blessed.  I cannot imagine how wonderful it would be to have a little pice of my Brian here with us.

Keep sharing those pictures and stories. 

I can almost see you smiling when you talk about the gifts from you children.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

I do love that Mariah said her Mommy is swimming in her heart. What a poetic vision she has.

Gotta go,

dee

[hotsauce]

Besty, so sorry to hear about your mother, your family is in my prayers.

Greg, you and everyone here that have grandchildren are so lucky, that is one thing i wished i had to make me keep going on.

great pictures from everyone

Lorri, the tattoos are special

[hotrod]

Susannah  What a beautiful thought   "Mommy is  swimming in her heart"!!! Wow  I do believe all my Indigo family and their Angels are "swimming" in my heart!!   Thanks for the  visual!!

MaryAnn  and Colleen you are  SO right  about the  Grand children.   HEARING THE STORIES AND SEEING THE PICTURES is so  special.   I would have loved a small version of Stephen running around once again  It would have been so much fun and no doubt extremely exhausting:cool:

 Colleen I love the calendar story  and that reminded me to wish

  Trudi Good Luck tomorrow . Please take all your Indigo angels  with you as you go forward with this difficult meeting.

I am going away for a month without computer access . I will miss the angel days and birthdays but will hold you all in my thoughts and prayers..

Betty Stephen"smom Forever.

[heartbeataway]

Greg,

Do you still have the animated video of the child talking to her daddy?  It was touching and Susannah might like it too. 

Trudi,

You will be in my thoughts all day ......

[Guest]

Betsy - I didn't even comment about your mother.  I'm sorry for you and for her.  I will keep you close in the same space that I keep Ralph and Carol!

After Mariah told me about Mommy swimming in her heart, I told her how beautiful that was and that she had a gift of poetry when describing her emotions.  "Thank you."  she said, much like a princess. 

It is so fun watching these little people develope into their own personalities.  What a gift.  A tiring gift!  But, a gift!

I wish all of you that don't have grandchildren had them.  I am happy to share mine.  Lord knows I have enough.  13, you know!

Love and peace!

Susannah

[hotsauce]

Betty, have a safe and enjoyable trip.

hugs

 

[Guest]

I will miss you, Betty.  Sending much love and peace with you!

Susannah

[daniellemom]

Betsy – I’m so sorry to hear about your Mothers cancer.  My prayers are with you.

Carol – My prayers are with you and Ralph also.  Please tell Ralph he is in my prayers daily.

Kathy – Glad you are feeling better, love the pictures!

Lorri – Love the flops!  They are such a nice gift.  Danielle, like Kourney loved her flops! 

Susannah – Your granddaughter has a great insight.  I know you are so proud of her!

Betty – Happy traveling!  A month!  Sounds great.

Trudi – I hope everything went well today.

Sherry – So glad you have a new lawn mower so very nice.

Colleen – I think we may be sisters, with the calendar, made me laugh out loud, sounds like something I would do. 

Rodolfo – I’m so sorry for your loss.  You have come to the right place where the people here will give you such good advice.  Your son was so handsome.  I think it’s great your wife found her Mother’s day card. 

Dee – you are such an amazing person.  I’m glad you were able to be with the family during the wake.  I thought about you and the family on Saturday.

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

[heartbeataway]

Betty,

A month with no computer?!  We're going to miss you!!

Betsy,

I'm sorry to hear about your mother.  Strength to you both!

[mikesmum]

Rodolpho - You have a beautiful family.  It looks like your boy has his hand over his heart.  Time is something that you need to afford yourself as you travel this road. I hope your faith gives you the strength to carry one with your family. 

Colleen - I could hurt your head more and tell you we are a day ahead of you as well..but that would be just mean!  Glad you like your calendar!

Betsy - Hope things with mum settle into a plan of care and compassion.  Know its not easy, you are in my thoughts.

Betty - A whole month.  If I didn't have my computer I would never be able to 'talk' to anyone.  Hope the trip is one of leisure and relaxation.

Carol and Ralph - Thoughts with you - tenacity counts.

Dee - Mother Earth - sunshine, warmth, rain and blossoms.

Grandbabies - Yes I am one of the 'lucky ones' who has an 'injection' of uncompromised love from the innocences of grandbabies.  My heart still aches at having lost contact with Mikes baby girl, but I have to believe one day she will seek us out.  Till then I gather memories and write to her in a journal.

I am blessed to have friends here who have lost their one and only who encourage my stories of 'grandies'.  Thank you all.

Today is 'THE PANEL'.  I spent 2hrs with my psychologist talking things through.  Its nice to be with someone who got it from day one without me saying one word.

The appointment isn't till 2.45pm (AU) so I will walk with Muttley, have a latte and bask in the sun that is chasing the chill away from the morning.

Thank you all for your kind wishes and support.  The strength of this 'family' comes with me each time I face one more mountain.  You also give me the calmness that prevents me from diving deeper into the abyss.

*Thought - whatif I show up with my laptop, wearing my Hug Me PJ's unshowered and just post while they sit in their corporate gear looking puzzled? 

Take Care Family - Trudi