Loss of an Adult Child

[daniellemom]

Bonnie - My thoughts and prayers are with you today.  I loved what Dan said, I hope you hear angels today also. 

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[4everjoeysmom]

JASON........JASON.......JASON

My heart feels heavy to know how very much you are missed...

[mysonrich]

Jason

 http://www.dvoc.org/.../ConservationCorner2007.htm

 

swoop down low for your Mom and Dad and

 

you and rich be careful flying around up there.

 

 

[lolynbo]

JUST COULDNT RESIST...SHOWN YAL...

[lolynbo]

JUST HAD ME A LIL MELTDOWN...WENT OUTSIDE TO GET KOURTNEYS WOODEN WINDCHIMES SHE BOUGHT ME DOWN CUZ THE WIND IS GETTN UP....SHE WAS SO PROUD BUYING EVERYONE THOSE WINDCHIMES..I THINK SHE GOT ME, MY SISTER, MY MOM, AND MY BROTHER A SET......I WILL CHERISH THEM FOR EVER...SHE WAS ALWAYS BUYN THINGS FOR PPL...(ON SALE OF COURSE)...ANYWAY  RELIZED SHE CAN NO LONGER SURPRISE ME WITH LIL GIFTS OR SPECIAL LIL THINGS SHE DID

[summergirl]

JASON, JASON, JASON - ALWAYS SAYING YOUR NAME OUT LOUD. STAY CLOSE TO YOUR MOM AND DAD TODAY AND FLY HIGH LIKE THE FREE BIRD YOU ARE.

[heartbeataway]

I love you guys for remembering ...... and I mean that with all my heart!

Love for the journey,

Bonnie, Jay's Momma

[ericasmom]

Bonnie,  I love you for all you are to us and to the people you love most, and for the Mother you will always be.

The song and the bird flying freely over you, a sure sign of a Boy who, in and out of each day and through the veil of two realms, loves you forever.

Deep sleep and a deep love,

dee

PS Betsy, the bird is so wonderful

Kathleen, how are things after your visit?

[hotsauce]

STEPHANIE    STEPHANIE    STEPHANIE

HAPPY ANGEL BIRTHDAY

on this specail day send lots of love to your family

[Guest]

Good Morning, Indigo's,

Lorri - The baby is beautiful!  I certainly understand about the meltdown.  I'm so glad you have the windchimes and those little gifts as a reminder of Kourtney's love. 

I sure love all the flowers y'all are posting from back east.  I was enthralled with the many different trees, birds and flowers when I visited North Carolina a few years ago. 

I'm keeping the kids out of school today.  I have already worked it out with their teachers.  Mariah had made a birthday card for her mom at school and she had everyone sign it.  She even took it to church to have people sign it.  We are going to watch some movies, plant some flowers (if the weather allows) and make her favorite foods.  Tonight the family is assembling and we are each going to say a little something and send off 29 balloons. 

I feel pretty strong right now.  I have to remember that this is not about me.  Yesterday was about as difficult as Thanksgiving, our first holiday without her. 

But today is for her children.  As for Stephanie, when I consider where she is and the marvelous signs she has sent it is impossible to be sad FOR her.  During those times she isn't very far from me/us at all.  She is more alive and stronger than she's ever been.  It's when my mind drifts back into yesterday or wanders into what might have been that I experience the most pain. 

Wishing you all a day of peace.

Sue - I've been thinking about you a lot the last few days.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

              

 

             HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE

 

                              

BETTY

STEPHEN'SMOM

[mikesmomrs]

STEPHANIE  STEPHANIE  STEPHANIE   No matter how it's written, it still says "beautiful," "cherished," "filled with love" and "always remembered."  Please take a few moments from your happy party in heaven with all our angels and surround your wonderful mom and your beautiful children with love and sweet memories today as they remember your birthday.  Susannah:  know that we are all thinking of you today as you celebrate the birth of your beautiful daughter. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[shorty16]

Happy Birthday Stephanie,

I told Brian to tell Stephanie Happy Birthday in Heaven.  Thinking of you today

Colleen, Brians Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Hey Betsy,

My picture of the hawk must have disappeared.

Do you know what kind of hawk it was?

I think it was a Copper's Hawk.  The barred, but slightly curved tail gave it away for me.

I am the bird-nut.  Going on the First-Light-Bird Tour May 8th @ Horicon Marsh, WI.  My daughter is coming with me.

Very fun (long, 6am to 1pm), and the leaders are so knowledgable.

Thanks for the photo

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest]

I'm so proud!  When we got Jonathon he could barely speak.  He had a terrible stutter problem.  He was so quiet.  When he found his voice when could hardly keep him quiet.  The stutter problem is all but gone and yesterday his vocabulary tested at a 14 - 16 yr old level.  He will be six in August. 

His counselor said he's very verbal! 

Thanks for all the well wishes for Stephanie.  We are having a grand day so far celebrating!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

STEPHANIE, STEPHANIE DEAR,

Please wrap your ever-loving arms around your Momma, giving her strength for the journey for this road of ache and difficulty, but this day of great beauty, YOUR BIRTHDAY>A day that will always bring magic to Your Family. Perhaps another bird to sing through the day today, singing through the tears and the memories, singing of the peace you now have.

[shorty16]

Indigos

I just received a call from our Victims Advocate.  She informed me that as of 11:30 ct, Mike Hollganel (the driver) has been taken into custody and jailed for repeatedly breaking probation.  He will be jailed for 4 days.

As part of his probation, he is required to stay away from Hamilton HS (where my son Aaron is a sophmore).  He has violated that order 4X.

The last time was Thursday of last week.

Finally, Mike will be held accountable for his actions. 

I am numb.  I really feel bad Mike is going to jail (not huber, either).  But, my gosh, when your parole officer tells you not to do something, you would think you would listen.

My heart is pumping 1000X a minute.  I am waiting for the Bi%tch call from Mike's parents.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mysonrich]

Stephanie,

Happy Birthday!

 

[mysonrich]

Colleen, yes, it is. You may also like this link. About an hour from me.

 

http://hawkmountain.org/index.php?pr=Home_Page

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[lolynbo]

BOY WE CAN FALL APART AT THE DROP OF A BUCKET CANT WE...

I GET HOME AND I CANT FIND MY GRANDSON AVERY (DOGGIE) LOOKED EVERY WHERE...THE OTHER 3 AINT SAYIN WHERE HE IS...SO I DRIVE AROUNND MISS MY HAIR APPT..AND DRIVE AROUND SOME MORE...LOOK IN THE POOL. LOOK UNDER BEDS UNDER THE BOAT UNDER THE CAMPER....CALL THE POUND.....

HE WAS IN MY BATHROOM WITH THE DOOR SHUT.....GOD HELP ME....MISSED MY HAIR APPT CUZ ID HAVE TO REAPPLY  MY MAKE UP....HOLY CRAP ...WHAT A DAY.....MONTY COMES HOME TO HELP ME LOOK FOR HIM......OOOPSY....SORRY MONTY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE...STEPHANIE....STEPHANIE.....

[daveydow1]

Fly high dear JASON, JASON, JASON. Fly with all the angels,

 and send a kiss down by moonbeam to your dear Mom & Dad. Prayers for you,

dear Bonnie.

KATHY---You are not a loser, by any means. You are doing what you can in

this lousy economy to try and keep yourself afloat. That's all that can be asked.

You are right---jobs seem to be evaporating, and the future is very unstable.

Your idea about getting beautician license sounds like a good one. It would not

take as long, or cost as much, as going back to college for a degree. And, as you

say....after the college degree..who knows about the probability of the jobs being

there in the future. I do understand how your parents want you to 'move on'. I agree

 with Dee, that our parents cannot fully understand the magnitude of our sorrow,

 somehow. They do want the best for you, but  may not be able to totally grasp the

 way you are  feeling now.

Keep on with what you are doing, and visiting your therapist.....I pray it will help.

Take care, friend,.....and Peace to you.

       HAPPY    HEAVENLY    BIRTHDAY    STEPHANIE .

Susannah-----hoping you will find comfort from all your sweet memories of

       your dear daughter----Sweet Stephanie.

 DEE---I believe we are in zone 6. Some maps show us in 5, and some in 6. I

gave rhubarb to my sister and daughter. Now I will freeze some more tomorrow.

Also want to try a recipe for a good rhubard/custard cake. YUM.

      Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry  

 

[summergirl]

[summergirl]

Hello dear Indigo's,

Susannah - thinking of you my friend on this day, your beautiful daughter's birthday. May you feel her presence and may you see her smile through those beautiful babies.

Lorrie - you poor thing - we do get a bit crazy don't we when it comes to those we love....we will do anything and yes, miss that hair appointment to do what our heart tells us to do. Poor grandbaby locked in the bathroom !! Was probably just fine, sleeping away while you were going bonkers......gotta love it sweetie.

Today was a many mixed emotions day....Every once in a while I go past Jessica's apartment and I stop out front and just look at it...it is a 2 story, bedrooms and a bath upstairs, living, kitchen, bath downstairs.....as I sat there today looking at it (I am sure who ever lives there now thinks a crazy woman is in the area) I looked up at the upstairs window and thought "that is the window where a bed sat below and my Jessica lay there sleeping with the moon shinning in on her, that is the room where she sat in front of the full length mirror putting on her make-up, that is the room where she let Tavian jump on the bed and their laughter filled the space, that is the room that I cleaned out, packing away her many shoes, pocketbooks, clothes, all that was my daughter now in containers in my bedroom closet"   How did this come to be, how is it that she and Tavian are not there to greet me at the door when I pull in....how is it that someone else now sleeps where my daughter once laid her head ?????  Then I went to the cemetery and could not get out of the car, just sat there looking, trying to breathe, trying not to lose control.  All I wanted to do is go home and see Tavian and I can't even do that because he is at his Grandmother's for the weekend as we have 2 dinners to go to - OMG - I am really losing it....I really needed to get this out so thanks for listening.   I love you all. Kathy 

[heartbeataway]

[align=center]Happy Birthday Stephanie!

[/align]

[aim630]

Happy Birthday Stephanie!!!

I still haven't figured out how to change the font & color on this.

Just heard about a 16 yr old girl and her 13 yr old brother in Cleveland that got killed when the girl accidentally pulled out of her driveway into the path of another car. (they think she could not see the other car because of sun glare).

It breaks my heart to think of ANOTHER family going through what we have. It was unbearable losing one child, I can't imagine losing 2. I still expect Ashley to come walking in the door & when I see a car like hers, I check to see if it is her.

My husband just got diagnosed with kidney cancer (he is only 47). Thank God the doctors think it is in a very early stage & they should just be able to remove part of his kidney, and he should not have any further problems. I am praying that they are right, I really don't think I could deal with anything else right now.

[heartbeataway]

Kathy ..... bless your sweet heart!

 I've also driven by and parked in front of Jay's house. It's not far from where we live.

It's funny that when I think about that house, I think of the sound of his boots on the wood steps .......

And I look at fence he built and  at the tree that was planted in the front yard that is growing.

And then I cry all the way home .......

I'm so sorry your Jessica is gone.  I'm sorry she's not there with you and Tavian.

Love for the journey,

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

[mikesmomrs]

Colleen:  "I am numb.  I really feel bad Mike is going to jail (not huber, either).  But, my gosh, when your parole officer tells you not to do something, you would think you would listen."

Mike's going to jail for not doing what he was supposed to do for his probation is a sign that he is not growing up; that you said that you "feel really bad" that he is going to jail, is a sign that you are putting some of the pain from this tragedy behind you...Mike should have listened to his probation officer, and now he's paying the price for not doing so.  It is sad for him, sad for his family, but maybe this is what he needs to really make him aware of his responsibility in all of this...it would seem that the six months he spent in jail is just a distant memory...likely this four days will refresh his memory. 

Bonnie and Kathy:  going into Mike's apartment for the first few months after he passed was like ripping my skin off...leaving was even worse.  When I would leave, I felt as though I should bring Sarah and Damon with me...she usually had such a look of sorrow in her eyes that her pain was palpable.  She moved out about 6-8 months after he passed, and it was hard to know if it was more painful to leave or to stay.  I know it took her quite a while to adapt...my heart ached for her, as it ached for me also, knowing how short-lived his new married life was.  We relive those memories, and though they bring us pain, sometimes that pain is another step in our healing.  Sometimes, it's just pain; searing pain.

Amy:  I am so sorry about your husband's diagnosis, but so glad that they caught it early and have such a definitive plan to work with, with a promise of such a good outlook.  I wish you both well, and will keep you in my prayers.  My husband was diagnosed with an 80% chance of kidney cancer almost six weeks ago, and they still don't know which direction to go...he has complications of his COPD being severe, and they haven't been able to determine for certain if it is cancer...they gave him a 20% chance that it wasn't.  We see a doctor at a cancer treatment center on May 13th for the second opinion.  Meantime, we wait and try to take one day at a time.  I have heard many stories of very good outcomes when they discover it early, so your hubby is fortunate and should do well.  I am truly glad that this is the case for him. 

Lorri:  I am sorry that you had to miss your hair appointment, but when we are worried, nothing else matters except being certain that our worries are unfounded...I am glad that you found your little pup and he was okay. 

Sus:  I am glad that you have been able to have a good day celebrating Stephanie's birthday...I know that it helps the kids to remember her in positive ways.  You are doing a very good job, Sus, and they will carry the memories of these celebrations of their mommy's life with them into their future. 

love and peace everyone,

carol mikesmomrs

[lolynbo]

KATHY SUCH HARD TIMES ISNT IT SISTER...SOMETIMES I CAN GO TO CEMETERY AND IM OK...OTHERS I JUST FALL APART...AND JUST HAVE TO LEAVE...ID DO THE SAME THING WITH KOURTNEYS HOUSE IF BRENT AND CARLEY WASNT LIVING IN IT, AND IT WASNT RIGHT NEAR HIS PARNENTS HOUSE....ID GO AND SIT AND THINK....YOUR FINE YOUR NOT LOSING IT...YOUR ENJOYING OR TRYING TO ENJOY THE MEMORY OF A BEAUTIFUL MOM, BEAUTIFUL GIRL, BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER...AND A BEAUTIFUL SOUL.....

 

IM PRAYING YOUR HUBBYS KIDNEY CANCER IS TREATABLE AND WISH HIM SO VERY WELL....

[Guest]

I read all the posts, I just hope my brain allows me to remember!

Amy - I'm sorry for further bad news in your life.  I'm glad they caught your husband's cancer early.

Kathy - Your articulate description of sitting outside Jessica's apartment and the cemetery reminds me of the feeling I get when I try to wrap my head around all this.  I could feel the longing in your words.  The empty space created. 

Carol - I feel like such an idiot!  I must have misunderstood.  I thought your husband got a clean bill of health.  I thought the tests came back clear.  I'm so sorry you're still going through this!  What a woman of strength, you are!

Kathy - Your words reminded me of my oldest daughter a couple of years ago.  She moved back home to go to school.  She went through a divorce after finding out she could never have children and her health is too bad for her to adopt.  She said almost the same words to me....she felt like a failure because she had to live with hre mother and was experiencing a great sense of loss.  It's always darkest before the dawn.  Sometimes the dawn just takes a hell of a long time to rise, doesn't it?   But, the dawn does come.......

Everyone...thank you for your thoughts and well wishes today.  My daughter took over serving dinner when I couldn't hold back the sobs any longer.  Had a good cry and then I was okay.  

As we let go of the balloons the kids all started yelling, "Bye Mommy!"  No prompting.  No cue.....just instinct, I guess.  They were happy.  They had a good day.  I hope. 

Thank you all.  Just thank you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Fly, my sweet girl, fly!

[ericasmom]

Susannah, I do believe that the release of balloons or other such items that represent our Loved One, is a great release for us, and really super great for young ones. The simplicity of a balloon flying toward heaven is such a strong statement for the kids, "MOM WILL LIKE THIS, She will be happy that we sent her balloons on her birthday." There is a start, a middle part, and an end, like a story, and they go forward knowing that they are loved and that they love back. I am glad for the day you shared with your Kids, young and grown.

Amy, I know that caught early, kidney cancer can be rather easy to get through and past. I am sorry however, for the heavy feeling associated with an illness with the word cancer in it. It is scary and you have been through so much, so I will pray this evening that your husband receives a clean bill of health as soon as he is able.

Love to All,

dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Colleen, did I read that right? 4 days? Or was it supposed to be 4 months or 4 years? Confused....but sad also that some people just don't learn any other way but the hard way. I'm so proud of you and how far you've come since this all began, as hard as it is.

Kathy, Bonnie, Lorri, to everyone who has found themselves in those "old familiar places", dreaming of days gone by, my heart aches with you and for you. From where I am, I cannot go to any of those old familiar places but once in a very blue moon, when I travel stateside. Most of the time it's easier this way, but sometimes I just long.... (Sigh)

Carol, I also missed the 1st diagnosis post. Please keep us informed of what happens May 13th. You and hubby are in my thoughts and prayers as well.

Susannah, though I already posted something on your FB page, I just wanted to reiterate here my thoughts and prayers for you this day, as you celebrate Stephanie's life despite "the missing". xoxoxo

Greg, Hope you are having fun fishing!!

Things are good here...in the moment. My husband's birthday is in a few weeks, with our 8th anniversary following a few days after that. Nothing special planned for that, as our special time will be sharing the 7th-15th with Marcia and her hubby while they visit us here. SO looking forward to that!! This year, year #4 has so far not been as difficult as the three prior. I sometimes can't believe that July 31st will mark 4 years, in which I will then be entering year 5. It doesn't seem possible that Joey has been gone that long, and yet at times it's like yesterday. I guess I have sufficient stuff to keep me busy, and that helps. Wishing you all sweet dreams, signs and memories to help ease the journey!! xoxoxo I am 4ever Joey's Mom.

[Guest]

Claudia, Thank you again! 

Just a little funny before I go to bed.....the kids were worried about the angels bumping the balloons with their wings and breaking them..."I sure hope they're careful."

Sleep well, my friends!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Just rambling.  I'm so tired I'm stupid.  But, not wanting to shut my eyes, yet.

Stephanie had perfect pitch.  She sang beautifully.  She was an artist.  She could draw quite well.  I wish I would not have given her all the art I had saved through the years.  Heaven only knows what happened to all of it.  She was also a poet.  She was able to pour her heart out in poetry.  She was also a very good cook.  She became the designated corn bread baker at the age of 12.  She was also a very good housekeeper.  She always kept a clean home.

She had good rythm, too.  I always envied her ability to move, sway and dance to any beat.  She had the best laugh.  In the worst of situations she found humor.  Mostly she always had hope.  She was not a quitter.  No matter how far down she went, she always got back up and tried again. 

I have a framed quote that reads, "The real winners in life are the losers who never quit."  It was given to me by a friend.  I don't know if she coined that phrase or not, but I love it.

I'm really going to sleep now.

 

[Guest]

I was the last one here last night and the first one here this morning.  A sleepless night.  I haven't had one of those in a while.  I stayed up thinking about.  well.  A lot of things actually.  Lucky you....I'm going to share it all.  LOL

Anyway....this is what came out of my fingertips this early morning.

REFLECTION 

There is a vast difference in the life I had planned and the life I'm living.  The life I planned was much easier.  Less painful.  I wonder which life was the better?  I regret that I hurt so many people along this path I call life.  Selfish decisions sometimes led to unconscionable consequences.  "Oh what a tangled web we weave".  Who is the "we" that wove the thread?  How far back do we need to go before we find the exact cause of this web?  There is always another generation which came before us to blame. 

 

It is when I stand up.  Look myself square in the eyes and declare "this is MY web".  Who created the web matters not.  Now I get to choose what kind of spider I'm going to be.  I crawl in defeat to the closest hiding place.  I build a shelter around myself so no one can get in...no more pain. 

 

I meditate.  I ponder.  I watch.  I grow.  My shelter can no longer contain the energy my new knowing is creating.  My shelter crumbles around me and I emerge.  The world looks different than it did when I hid myself.  I am instinctively drawn to beautiful colors and vibrancy.  From this angle of my view all the dark creatures I once despised have an essence about them that glows in their magnificence. 

 

There are a few scars on my new form.  There are times I must retreat into my old hiding place.  It's uncomfortable in my old inhabitant.  All the familiar demons that sent me there in the first place wait patiently for my return.  We cast stones at one another.  Blaming.  Enjoying a weak moment of victory when my arrow of hate hits its mark with precise accuracy.  Gloating as I watch the perpetrator fall to their knees in agony. 

 

I stand guard at the door of my shelter as the walls begin to form around me again only to realize I have trapped my enemies inside with me. 

 

My only chance for survival is to break down the walls.  To free myself, I must free them.  The walls of my shelter are much sturdier than my original shelter.  These walls are impenetrable.  I cannot break them.  I must break them.  I must escape from these demons who share my dwelling.  Their laughter mocks my entrapment.  I scream at them.  The spears I throw ricochet off of them and stab my own heart. 

 

A new awareness sneaks into my being.  If I quit throwing the spears at them I won't be stabbed anymore.  I cannot stop their snickered contempt of my existence.  I yell at them to stop hurting me.  I try to whisper to them that I am important.  I plead my case to them of the validity of life.  And while I am defending my right to be here, their laughter grows. 

 

I am shocked at their inhumanity.  Their cruelty.  And, then there is a glimmer behind one of them.  What was that?  It distracts me long enough to forget "them" for a moment.  Another glimmer.  Something shiny catches my eye.  A mirror? The inside of my shelter is a huge mirror. 

 

The mirror reflects back to me an image I do not recognize.  Who is that woman?  Why are all my enemies standing behind me, expressionless, in my reflection?  Where did the beautiful creature who took shelter go?  I look at myself.  I look at my enemies.  I look like them.  The mocking laughter escapes my own lips.........and, my enemies, in like, respond.  My eyes are not diverted from my reflection as I slowly bend to retrieve my spear of protection.  My action is halted as I watch my enemies match my action step for step.  They bend when I bend.  They reach when I reach.  Their eyes are watching me with the same caution I am watching them. 

 

My eyes narrow.  My mouth twitches to a snarl as I recognize my most hated enemies.  There are several.  I am reminded of their wrongs.  Their injustice/crimes against an innocent being.  Me. 

 

As I look I notice another chamber  in my shelter.  Where did it come from?  I created it.  How?  When?  Someone else lives there.  It is not my shelter.  Yet it is connected to my shelter.  The face inside looks vaguely familiar.  A flutter in my chest tells me they are good.  I remember.  I love the person inside that shelter.  I smile and lift my hand to wave.

 

I am halted by the response.  She screams at me to shut up.  She tells me to quit mocking her.  She thinks my wave is another threat of violence...she bends to pick up her spear.  I forgot I was holding my spear.  I bend to put it down so she won't be frightened. My action frightens her more.  She throws with power.  The spear ricochets off her wall and lands in her own chest.  She writhes in pain.  I scream out to her to quit throwing the spears.  "You are killing yourself with your spears" I yell to her.

 

She doesn't believe me.  She reminds me of all the harm I created in her life.  I understand.  I am her enemy.  I try to explain.  I point to my own enemies, telling her what they did to me that caused me to do the same to her........

 

Who are they looking at?  NOW they ignore me?  Who are they pointing at?  "Hey!  You!"  I yell as I jab them with my finger.

 

"OUCH!"  I look back to my accuser.  She poked me!  "I'm trying to explain."  I plead to her.........an echo...

 

They are mocking me again.....repeating each word I speak.  "SHUT UP!"  I scream in hysterics.

 

"SHUT UP!" bounces of my accuser's wall.  She's screaming at me.  They're screaming....my enemies.

 

Awareness.

 

The mirrors.

 

I am quiet.  My enemies are quiet.  My accuser is quiet.  Silence.  I am alone.  There are no enemies.  There are no accusers.  It is me and my reflection.  My reflection through a million mirrors. 

 

How did I get here?  My enemies faces begin to appear again.  I remember...I am here for my own protection.  We stand silently together.  My accuser's image becomes clear as I acknowledge I have locked her in my shelter, too. 

 

My shelter is now my prison.  It is their prison.  Both my enemies and my accusers.

 

I am too tired to fight.  Too exhausted to defend.  There is no more explanation.

 

In unison we all collapse to the floor.  Laying in the stillness of our plight.  There is no escape.  There are no doors.  No windows.  Just mirrors.

 

I drift off to sleep.  I dream of another time.  There is a faint memory of color......beautiful smells...

 

My eyes flutter open in shock.  What was that?  I liked it!  Where did it go?  My enemies and my accusers seem to be having the same recollection.  We look at each other.  Too enamored with the hint of color to remember our hatred. 

 

There it is again!  I see it now!  I remember now!  Color! 

 

What was that?  I hear something.  "Do you hear it?"  My enemies and my accuser mouth in harmony.  It sounds like a symphony.  We close our eyes and listen together....

 

Oh.  The sweet reprieve from battle...

 

More color!  I must have more color!  I begin to look for the source of the color.

 

And, she appears.

 

Suddenly.  She is there.  She is singing the most beautiful song I've ever heard.

 

She is smiling.  I raise my hand to greet her as her hand raises in exact harmony. 

 

I giggle at the realization.

 

It is me.  I am the one smiling.  I am the one making the color.  I am the symphony.

 

But, what of my enemies?  They appear as soon as the thought enters my consciousness..

 

But, they are smiling now too.  They have color.  They have harmony. 

 

That's not right.  I try to take their color...their song.

 

And, my color begins to fade.......

 

No!!  I whisper...please....stay.   Here.  I'll give it back.

 

I rush to return my enemies’ color and song.  Gently draping the blanket of grace around their shoulders.

 

I feel a touch.  Ever so gently on my own shoulders.  It is my accuser.  She is giving me back my color and harmony.

 

I am awe struck for a moment.  Her touch feels so wonderful.  I could bask in it forever.  I offer a deep sigh. 

 

I feel my own hands rise and fall on the shoulder of my enemies’ as they imitate my own sigh of relief.

 

Together, enemy and accuser....with me.   They are me.  Warmth fills my shelter as the color grows in vibrancy. 

 

It spreads until all I can see is color.  The symphony of my experience sings out in perfect harmony. 

 

Was it ever this beautiful before?  Am I floating?  I am floating!!  Oh the joy!!  Laughter fills my lungs as I realize there is no roof on my shelter!  Just walls.  Just beautiful, colorful walls.  My escape is up.  It has always been upwards.

 

I hesitate for a moment.  Choosing to bask in the glory of the color and sound my shelter has become. 

 

Laughing with the image now reflected back to me.  THIS life.  This is exactly the life I had planned.  It is perfect.

 

Susannah

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." (Lewis Smeade)

 

 

[nicksdad]

Susannah..I am so sorry I am late on this....

I hope you had a beautiful day remembering all the good times with Stephanie

 

[Guest]

You are too cool, Dan!  Your thoughtfulness warms my heart.  No apology necessary.  Your wishes and pictures of our angels are a gift...sent right on time!  Blessings to you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

I LOVE STEPHANIES SMILE

[mikesmomrs]

Sussanah:  I am glad I am not next to you when you wake up...but I am glad that I get to read what you create in your mind and heart...your writing was intense, straight from your heart and mind and very soul.  I agree, I believe we are our own worst enemies sometimes, and picking up that spear is sometimes the only way we can see to protect ourselves.  Our life teaches us different, eventually.  I hope you are keeping all of your writings in a journal...I know that sometimes when I think of something, even going over something in my mind when I am in the car...it can be lengthy or short...when I go to write it down later, it takes on a different form...different words, and results in a different outcome.  I guess I should get one of those "mini-recorders" or something to keep nearby...  Meantime, your writing was very interesting, as I said, very intense and from the heart and soul.  Thanks for sharing.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

This is a day-brightener I had to share...this is what gets us over that hump when we just don't think we can do another step....Damon, dressed for success!

[katant]

Coming here and reading the posts from my BI friends helps me.  I read something and I say to myself...I have said that, I have thought that, I hate the same things, I yurn for the same thing.  Noone can understand what we have been through.  Where we have been, where we are going.

I went to my counselor on Wednesday and she helped me alot.  We all in ours lives have felt "stuck" or in a "rut".  I expressed to her that I felt as if since losing Anthony 3 years and 5 months ago that my life has changed forever.  My thought process, my strengths, my weaknesses, my loves, my hates....and she reminded me of everything that I have done since losing Anthony. 

Fought in court to put the person who killed Anthony drinking and driving (Dawn Simas) to one of the longest sentences in Rhode Island ever.  15 years 5 suspended.  Yes she comes up for parole in April 2011, however, I and my friends and family will appeal to the judge that she must stay in jail and she is not ready to be set free.  3 years in jail for killing Anthony is nothing.  I don't think 20 years either is something that makes things right or better.  BUT people MUST be held accountable for what they have done.

My counselor basically put down on paper my life in the last 10 years.  I have my Associates in Science with 10 years experience.  Working at the college is not starting over, it is a stepping stone.  I will start my classes for my Bachelor's in Science and be completed in 6 semesters.  A fast track program.  Yes it will cost me 36,000 dollars, but she reminded me the pain and aggrevation with the court process with the my remaining case should pay for my schooling.  She is right. 

Use the money to help me.  Use it to move me forward.  Become an Instructor and move up the ladder as I have been. 

Go visit my family in Dublin and England and enjoy myself.  That is what my life is about.  My family and me.  So I think this time next year I will be writing how I am now an adjunct faculty member of New Egland Insitute of Technology being in a good place in my life.

I have made great strides in my days and nights.  Claudia has been a great friend who I plan on visiting in Ecuador on my next trip for sure!! 

I am learning that I cannot compare myself with others, only myself.  I am learning I have to worry about myself again.  Keep going.  It's not a BAD thing to have really BAD days. 

I thank you all for your words, your advice, it helps. 

If anyone is struggling to figure something out, pay the copay or for me the $81 to see my counselor who makes me figure things out with no bias.  No judgement. 

There is a reason for us all, what that is I have no f'n clue....but we will find out someday and we will be with our boys & girls again soon.

Maybe sooner than you think.  The way this world is going.  The wars, earthquakes, flooding, the oil desaster in the Gulf will push us into our next life....hello Anthony..:0)

[ericasmom]

Kat, you followed your instincts to go see your tehrapist and it took you in the direction you needed, so glad. You are a woman with a life that feels stuck but you are the one un-sticking it. I am glad that your counselor showed you your life on paper. Many times, when we make a timeline we see just the many things that have occured in our lives that can either make or sometimes break us. It is not bad to have a bad day, a bad month, whatever, it is sad to have nothing but those and we know what that feels like. We find ways, like you, to reach out and receive some assistance, guidance. Good for you to consider the school option in a field that you enjoy. Whatever way this takes you, it is the right way. It is your way.

Sus, the struggle between the self and the selves we have been is ongoing. Yours took on an almost LSD picture as I read it. What a night, hope you had a nap today. We are the ones that lift or keep us down. We don't always realize it, and yes, so much of why we do is from the generations that came first, the patterns of family behaviors and traditions, sicknesses and joys. we are a direct result of those plus what we are on our own. Live it well Susannah.

Claudia, so glad that you have the visit to lok forward to, what fun. I am glad to know that you are feeling good and that life is smooth right now. I know the people that you minister to must thank their lucky stars each day for the likes of You and your Husband.

[lolynbo]

TODAYS UPDATE BRINLEY IS DOING GREAT AND GAINING...MOMMY IS DOING WELL AND BRENTS READY TO GO RACING...LOL

[Guest]

No LSD.  It's all me.  Unadulterated wisdom I freely bestow on the unsuspecting reader for the good of mankind.  LOL  Oh geeze!  I couldn't even read it!  What was I thinking!?  I have to learn to run my "inspired ramblings" by a close friend or therapist before I feel compelled to "share". 

Me, Frasier Crane (Frasier) and Kramer (Seinfeld).......

Lorri - Brinley is beautiful.  So tiny!  Good luck to Kody!

Carol - I love the picture of Damon.  What a priceless expression!!

Love and peace to you all! 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[summergirl]

Just a quick hello as allergies are kicking my butt big time tonight...throat, eyes, sneezing, coughing...OMG I sound like that commercial !!     

Thank you all, it is all I need to say tonight, thank you each and everyone of you.

Love and Peace, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Just drove through a deluge, a huge storm, and I was scared enough to pull over for a bit. I was out with my Sisters and my niece. We met at an outdoor mall and the night was balmy, lovely. The dampness moved in however, which we need, but boy, what a lot of electricity. Huge bolts of lightning like giant xrays in the sky. The rain came down in sheets. That is when I pull over, when the road ahead is no longer visible. So I sat for a bit till the giant wind and rain moved north, and then continued on. I am hoping that my niece is safe, she was driving west 45 miles, and the storms were from that direction. It was good to be with the Girls. One of my nieces, Kate, could not make it at the last minute.

Brinley is so very pretty. I am glad that she is growing and gaining weight. Blessings.

Yes Sus, there are times when the voices of our former selves rise up and cause havoc in our current state. Insisting on truth, on reflection is harsh at times, but certainly cleansing, when nothing can hide in the corners anymore, we bring it all to the front and deal with each imposing issue one at a time, until we have seen it all and have decided in what order these need to be eliminated or changed immediately.

Good luck, let the sunshine into the dark places.

Kathy, these allergies are tough, good luck with them. My ears, jaw, bridge of nose, and my throat all seem to be reacting.

[nicksdad]

Mary Ann...I am sure Brian will fill your heart with the love you shared today....

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  I am so glad that you made it home okay...I pray your sisters and niece also arrived safely.  It is nice that you all can get together and share some time wrapped in all of your love for each other. 

Sus:  You had said in an earlier post  "I thought your husband got a clean bill of health.  I thought the tests came back clear."

thank you Susannah--what the outcome was is that the doctor is waiting another three months to redo the PET on the lungs---not enough "definition" this time to say one way or the other.  Til then, we are just kind of in limbo.  As for the kidney, they are still fairly sure it is cancer (still saying "20%" it isn't), but are wanting to do a kidney function comparison test (done with nuclear medicine), and they are going to wait til we complete the second opinion appt, as that appt is at a research/teaching center, and they will have a lot more doctors providing input on all the test results.  The urologist said "...cancerous cysts are usually solid, and benign ones are liquid...yours is both," which likely would lead to removing the whole kidney, if that is the way they decide to go.  So, the confusion and hesitation.  The biggest hurdle is the COPD issue with surgery.  So, we are in limbo of a sort...waiting.  His appt is 5/13, but they may call us if they have a cancellation.  My anxiety level climbs...  Thank God for sunny days, and gardens, and little kids and ball games and ice cream...and 46 years of facing stuff together...they help bridge the gap from anxiety attack to anxiety attack. 

Kathleen (Anthony's mom):  I am so glad that your therapist was able to help you...your determination and plan are sure to help you get where you want to be, and of course, along the way, Anthony will be cheering you along, every step of the way.

Kathy:  I can empathize with your allergies...mine have been "kind of" under control these last couple of days, but some days I feel as though I need to stay under water!  I heard this is an especially pollen saturated year.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[hotsauce]

to my son BRIAN on this first anniversary, i love and miss you so very much.

love now and forever

your mom

[Guest]

BRIAN...BRIAN...BRIAN....

Remembering.  Bless you, Mary Ann! 

 

Carol -  You are going through all this and you still put others welfare first!  You reach out with love and warmth and encouragement all the time.  I'm so sorry you and Ralph have to go through this.  I'm so sorry you have to wait in limbo.  That has to be the worst part.  I do hope you take good care of yourself, too!

Dee - I'm glad you got home safe, too.  I'm glad you understood what I wrote.  It was all about facing the people whom hurt us, the people we've hurt and most of all ourselves.  But, still, it was a bit much!

I'm missing Trudi on here...and all who were here when I came.  I understand, but I miss all of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom