Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Mary, congrats on your move, and I am glad that you were able to make this decision. Finding ways to live healthier, with less stress is such a good way to make changes. As Betsy said, there is time to figure this out in this new life. There is.

Marcia, goodness knows you have certainly been through it lately. I hope that while sitting there and shopping QVC, you are reading some good stuff, and maybe catching up with an old hobby, Sewing, knitting, drawing, beading? Any of those? If not, let us know what you like to do and we can send you care packages. I am trying to stay healthy Marcia, washing my hands like a crazy woman, dried out old claws that I have. Kids are hacking and sneezing up a storm, but all week, no kids were out of my class. So, we'll see. We have tomorrow off for an early Veterans Day, ironic with the shooting today. So I am going to see if I can sleep in a bit tomorrow. That and drink plenty of liquids, (does wine count?) and take extra vitamin C. Good luck tomorrow with the doctor, let us know what she/he says.

Took a walk this eve with Jonathan and his girl and her Mom's dog. It was good to just get some air with them, to walk along and love them.

[mpsmom]

Betsy, thanks for the smile....      Tommorrow we will go in and have the cast split in the area that is causing me so much pain, the doctor said it sounds like the cast may be too tight in the one area that feels like it is in a vice.......hoping that will help.....I am doing pretty good getting around the house with the seated walker, jus the pain when my foot is in a down posotion is unbeliveable......

I have lots to do, no time to sit and do nothing, even typing on my laptop is a strain....   Next Wednesday is my TCF meeting and we have new members, i MUST be there, it is something that makes me feel like I am making a difference in this world.

HUGS>    Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[mpsmom]

Dee, so happy you are walking again, and with Jon and his GF---great !!!!

YES wine does count as a liquid.....

I have been doing not much of antyhing but sleeping, I hope next week to be able to do more, I may send Larry to get "Name all the animals" at the library.  I checked it and 8 other books out several months ago........certainly the librarian should have realized I could not read all those books in 2 weeks......LOL.... I read one and returned the rest.  I just finished "Grace disguised"   Claudia sugested it to me quite a long time ago.  

Hanging in there.......thankfully no germs in my world....LOL     

Marcia   Bethanys MOM Forever

[mpsmom]

Missing you my angel girl..............

Love you Mom

[ericasmom]

Thanks Marcia, I have been walking everyday or atleast 6 days a week for a good 23 years. I don't walk in the woods as often, just due to wetness factor, or feeling a bit vulnerable to some of the folks that are also in the woods...but I am out each morn before the sun adn walk most lunches for a mile or so, and again in the evening. One would think that I would sleep really well. Not so. Oh, I think that you will like name all the animals, by Alison Smith.

Betty, the memorial pages for Stephen are lovely, he is such a handsome Man. Your love comes right through the screen. I know your missing, know it well. As far as not WANTING TO DO ANYTHING...I agree with Sherry, (HI SHERRY)that grief and sadness can and does zap our strength and motivation. It would be hard decision, so I wish you the utmost luck in making that one. An honor though, that your old boss wants you back. Kind of nice. Maybe it is something you can try for a short period of time to see how it feels. A month, two?

Mary Anne, I do believe we all have felt that dream like thing you are in right now. Was this real or did I make it up. Am I real or am I someone making me up, and my life is not really mine? I was on that edge for a little while too, and I am going to ask you to please know that the pain is real, so the love is too. The pain is in result to losing so strong a love in your life. HE LOVES YOU FOREVER TOO> hang on Mary Anne. Hang on.

Lorri, I love your day, love you for the way you share it. Tie a tampon onto the antennae of the car and go have fun.

[arc4ever]

Betty,

Is there any way you could work from home?  That's my best advice. 

The only way I am able to work is that I have a boss who is there one day a week, I sit in a very quiet place and no one bothers me but I still cry every day at my desk, and I walk down the hallways and avoid all contact with people if at all possible.  I hide my face while passing by people in the halls and on the elevators.  I can't deal with people, with crowds, etc.  I have to repeat over and over to myself what it is I am supposed to do ("file this, email this, over and over and over again) but my job, luckly allows me the quiet solitude I need to function.  Others don't have that.

I don't think I could work if not for the the comforting people I work with (only my boss and one other guy and he is going thru his own troubles his wife has cervical cancer) so we let each other be.

I wish I could offer more advice Betty.

And Lorri, I feel your pain, I think stress has brought on menopause! (And you did forewarn all the men!)

Love to all, goodnight.

Terrie (Adam's mom)

[summergirl]

No time to read ALL the post's tonight - so very tired but cannot rest until I have come to say hello. Been so busy this week with work - things are changing somewhat and I am quite busy and afraid it will be more so in the coming days and weeks - not complaining - very lucky to have the job I have.

Marcia - thanks for the update on "Grammie Lorrie" - nice to hear they are having a great time and the "good news"!!  I am sure your leg must be so painful - hang in there.      Yes, Bethany and Jessica are great friends - Jessica was always a social butterfly and collected friends every where she went - she had that personality about her, people were just drawn to her.  Bethany is just so beautiful - takes your breath away.

This morning Barry went to the little deli down on the cornor - his usual coffee stop - there was a guy who came in while he was there with a little girl around 3 years - the man was very DRUNK - stumbeling around the store - so our friend who works there went outside and got his license plate number and called the cops who arrived and arrested the man, the wife or grilfriend showed up to get the little girl. Barry was so upset to think this man was that drunk at 9 am driving with his daughter - what goes on in people's heads????  What if he had an accident and killed that child?? My anger rises to the highest level when I hear things like that.

Trudi - so sorry for the hurt your kids are feeling - thoughtless, hurtful words from family can cut to the bone and as hard as you try you just cannot find the words to ever explain how they can be that way. I am glad your daughter is writing a letter to let them know how she feels. My heart with all of you as always and Mike is holding you all tight and his words so right - they come in all sizes and shapes.

To everyone I am sorry if I have not responded to your posts but promise to get caught up this weekend. I get myself upset when I know someone is hurting and I am not here to respond the way I want to. I am thinking of all of you and send virtual hugs to all.

Sleep peaceful as the stars shine bright. Kathy

[summergirl]

Maryanne - I am so sorry that you are crying all alone but NOT alone - we are here and if I could come sit with you I would fly there in a moment. My tears fall as yours do - how many times a day do you think we cry at the same time - I think of that sometimes as my tears fall - who else is crying at this same moment for the same reason??  Hold tight my friend, time will bring you softness and sunshine - until then we are all here. Hugs - Kathy 

[ericasmom]

OH Marcia, just must have posted at he same time, that large image of Bethany is so gloriously pretty. Wow! Stunning.

Yes, it was very nice to have a walk with Jon and Shan. I so hope that he feels comfortable to sleep well tonight, under the bright stars and very bright moon. I want my Son to find purpose in each day, a reason to be here in this day, ech day.

Kathy, I know what you mean, want to make sure that we always name our friends here, but we can't always touch each person each day, however, everyone knows of your love and your heart, we are one GIANT family.

Terrie, glad that you have the kind of office that allows you your privacy. Good people who get it. How is your Husband feeling?

Bon, hope that you are well. Sherry, good to see you, taking many autumn walks?

Trudi, nice that the folks in charge are willing to discuss a second option. That Melissa, who would have thought that a Girl you raised would voice her opinions? Right on Melissa, speak for your family and let them have it. Mike is smiling on you all as you find your footing in this latest silliness.

Love and hugs,

dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Mary Ann, YES!! YES!!! YES!!! Oh MY God, YES!!!

I remember so vividly the sharpness of the pain, the wanting to not take another breath, that I wished I could just lay down and die. I wanted to go so badly where Joey went...to follow him, not let him go... Oh God, YES!! You are so not alone in that. I didn't think that would ever pass from me. Joey was my baby, my special one, the first thing I truly knew about love, a gift, EVERYTHING! I missed him to the point I thought surely I would die too. But I didn't...

Just today, out of nowhere, I was doing some cleaning downstairs, and all of a sudden I heard my brother's voice...the voice on the other end of the phone, when I received the worst call of my entire life. The words... "Joey's been in an accident. He was hit by a train. Joey's dead." Just like that!! JUST LIKE THAT!! I will NEVER forget it. And when those words echo in my mind, in my heart, my heart literally stops and skips beats...STILL. It was 3 years July 31st, and still the vivid realness, it's there. But thank GOD the sharpness of that pain, the wanting to lay down and not breathe anymore has faded into a memory. I survived. I am surviving. We are all surviving, and you are too. It may not feel like much right now. And the waves will be hard and strong for some time. But one day you'll wake and realize that the edge of the storm, the sharpness if lifting, softening a bit. It will never completely fade as we travel through the storms of life, the milestones, the memories, special events and firsts of a million different kinds. We'll always, always miss them, and we'll cry for a long time to come... But we will live and breathe, and laugh and smile, and walk through the remnants of life, and survive the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the worst thing anyone could ever survive. We're mothers and fathers of strong children who left us their legacies to continue, to further and grow. And because we love them so much and will never lose our bond with them through love, we will cherish them and build upon their legacies with our memories, our hearts and our tears.

God bless you Mary Ann, and bring you comfort and warmth as you grieve and mourn your baby boy. God bless us all!!!

My heart is heavy for the families who have lost today in that awful Fort Hood shooting... God be with them too...

[mikesmum]

[user=33864]hotsauce[/user] wrote:

hello to everyone.  still depressed, but i would like to ask a question.

i can't tell right now if my angel BRIAN was a dream,or am i really in a nightmare.

has any one felt this way, or am i losing it?  i miss he so much, and that night it is so lonely without him. i know this must sound stupid, but that is the feeling i have right now.

i just want to roll up in a ball and die.  it is so hard.

i was trying to put a new picture of BRIAN on the screen, but it won't come up, just so lost.

sorry

mary ann

Brian's momdukes 

 

Mary ann - I remember in the first year I would nod off after crying all day and into the night.  On that first second of waking I would feel great, right up until it hit me - Mike was gone. That still happens although not as often. 

As for posting pictures, well Mike was my IT guy.  Didn't need to learn anything, he would do it for me.  Each time I would try to post a picture I would lose it and the post - then cry.  Eventually I spoke out loud to Mike and said 'if its not the picture you want let me know, otherwise show me the way to post it'.  Next day I found a post that spoke of Photobucket.  A simple site even I manage it.  I also found Web resizer, cause the post error kept saying the pic was too big. 

But no you are not alone or crazy.  It is damn hard - there is nothing like it in our lives, to out live our kids belies everything we knew to be true.   Stay with us and above all be kind to yourself and honour your boy by sharing his life.   I have said it many times, our kids are more than that last day. 

Dee - The simple things like walking the pup in the fresh air can bring another dimension of energy to us that we many times overlook.

Lorri - Heck yes you did warn us.  Did you run over a chinaman? your luck seemed to run out somewhere!

Had a day with the lovely Miss Melisssa.  She rang her dad last night to 'vent' and he was over the moon with the article, he was however confused about the math in relation to the grandkids and great grandies.  Once he took off his shoes to count(sorry that was bitchy) - he was so sad.  His family tried to ring Melissa last night (she was at work).  She intends to express her feelings in a letter to her grandparents about the hurt they inflicted by not attending Micheals funeral and the insult they added by failing to include him or his baby in their 'news article'.

Yep her mummy's daughter, but with a little more decorum......I still say hang 'em high

Summer is knocking this weekend.  30+ till Wednesday.  Off to the river Sunday with grandies to search for a new spot.....Take Care

[mysonrich]

Good morning BI,  I have been going over 2 new systems with a co-worker. Now, I have passed by this lady for a couple of years, in the hall, restroom etc...I knew her name but we never chatted before. We go on break together yesterday and I told her my son died. She told me her son died too, 16 years ago in a motorcycle accident. She said that she tries not to think about it. She just looked at me and said " I understand". Thank you. Though I wish she didn't.

 

Dee, thank you for the compliment on Rich's handsomeness :-)  Another grocery cart story. When Rich was 2 we were at the grocery store waiting in line, again. A lady passed by and said to Rich, " my, aren't you a handsome boy "...Rich looked up at me and said, " Mom, I'm handsome"!   yes you are Rich.

 

Marcia, what a lovey picture. Bethany has beautiful hair. Did she curl it in this photo?

 

Lorri, thanks for the laugh.

 

Betty, going to the parade?

 

Trudi, what can one say? My half sis didn't even come to Richs service but I didn';t expect her to. I guess my expectations are low concerning her. the past week or so I have been thinking about her a lot and have heard her husband had a heart attack. I can imagine how she feels but some bridges are burnt beyond repair. Now, me being a sap, if she were to pick up the phone I would be there for her but it won't be as it use to be.

 

MaryAnn, how are you today?

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[mysonrich]

Mary, yes. Richs g/f said the same thing. Hard to understand but there was something to it. I often wonder why he acted different on Christmas Day. DId he know a clock was ticking? On some level, was it possible he knew?

 

 

[hotsauce]

Good morning to all my friends here at BI,

i want to thank everyone who made a comment to me, and letting me know i am not going crazy.  i do feel a little better today, but i really get lost at night, that is when BRIAN and i would wine down for the night.

MARCIA, BONNIE, TRUDI, BESTY,BETTY,DEE,KATHY,CALUDAI,  THANK YOU ALL.

MARCIA, i hope you are feeling better, that is a beautiful picture of BETHANY. i think you hit it on the head about the feeling of a dream, but then again you all did.

love and hugs to all:?

mary ann

Brian's momdukes

thank you all again

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

I have the day off and am going to have a back adjustment soon. I was glad to see you Claudia, and your words were right on. I had to work very hard to not replay that phone call six years ago in July that led us to the end of Eri's life. That call, even speaking of it now, leaves goose bumps and tears stinging, stomach clenching...IN trying to heal, and finding ways to live in this new world I think that the hardest thing to do was to stop the daily replay of those moments that brought us to the life altering horror of our Kids Leaving. When I actively found ways to change the replay, with the help of my therapist, I was able to breathe better, able to sleep a bit better, able to find the color of the sky again, it made more room for the road I had to pave. It also let in more light for the memories of Erica that are heartwarming and wondrous. I do believe that eventually, we get to a point where we know, KNOW, that our Child wants us to live as full a life as possible, that in order to honor their life which is Holy to us, that we must live ours well. And so we go along, always conscious of who we carry in our hearts everywhere, aNd make our way. We make our way knowing that somehow we do still have work to do here, and one day we will be returned to our Babies.

I pray for those soldiers adn their families at Fort Hood, and for the shooter who is alive and facing his nightmare.

dee

[hotrod]

Good Morning Everyone

 

MaryAnn:  I agree, the night and evening hours are the most difficult. I find it helpful to come to BI at that time. It really helps to know we are not alone. 

 

Terri, Sherry, Betsey, Trudi, Dee: thanks for all  the input regarding  my returning to work.  I am really leaning toward saying NO as I just do not feel I can do it any longer.

 

Trudi  Good Luck today searching for that new site

Lorri  I hope you have a BETTER Day today

 

Marcia Another beautiful picture of your angel  Good Luck at the Drs.    Speaking of Doctor's visits,  Dee  I hope your back is feeling better and that you enjoy the rest of your day off.

Beth   Thinking of you and Zachy today.

Claudia, Sue, Kathy, Carol  thank you for your inspiration.

 

I live only 10 minutes from the start of the parade, so I am going to bundle up and go down and enjoy the energy.

 

Have a Blessed Day everyone

[ericasmom]

BEtty, enjoy the parade. What could be better? I love NYC. My husband used to own a furniture store, very small, that is where we  met, and we went to NYC twice per year for buying shows. I loved the days walking while he was at the show, (i would go down tothe Javetts Center one day and buy with him, and one day alone exploring the city). One day I got on a bus but was too antsy to sit, so I walked from Broadway to the MEtropolitan Museum of Art. What a great and long and wondrous walk, coffee and bagel along the route, sight seeing, window shopping...then I walked back. Tired feet. We stayed at the Marriot right across the street from the WTC a week before the attack. I loved the local, each time we stayed in a different section of the city. Anyhow, that was lovely, walking along the Hudson each morning for my walks, watching the ferry boats come in with people ready for the day. I was so distraught thinking that some of those folks I saw on those mornings died in the towers. We went into the basement of the towers each day to catch the train to go to the many places we visited, staying 4 days that time.

I guess I would lean toward my instincts Betty, if the bigger part of your brain/heart are saying NO, then it is well to listen. Something else may be waiting for you to discover.

Peaceful endeavors,

dee

[ericasmom]

Dearest Newcomer,

you are not 'JUST' a grandma...you are a heartbroken woman who helped raise and dearly loved a Child who died tragically. I am so sorry for your loss, so sorry. When did you lose your Girl? Did her Mom die as well in the accident? HOw is her sister doing at this point?

I am glad that you came here to join us, so that perhaps over time you will be able to see that the guilt you feel, which can be debilitating, is something we have all shared. I hope that one day you will be able to let some of that go, and remember, She loves you still, forever, she would want for you the same as you would want for HER. To step into the sunshine and take the beautiful with you everywhere you go. One day you will not hurt as you do today. One step, one hour at a time.

My name is dee, my Girl is Erica. Eri for short, as well as Tink, Bing, Sister, Rica, Bear, Bird...you know how that is.

I am here along with some great men and women that know.

dee

[daveydow1]

Dee---I so know what you mean about walking, but still have insomnia

problems. I don't walk as much as you do, but try to get out there as

often as I can. Still, I have trouble sleeping, especially lately.  Yes, the

day we all here at BI learned of our beloved children's deaths is a day

we will never forget no matter how long we live. Not wanting to take

another breath is how we feel......not wanting to go over into the world

without them......too monstrous to even contemplate. Somehow, we do

manage to go forward. No one really knows how we are able. We may

not even know ourselves. Of course, it is not something easily done---no way.

This site is so helpful, to give us the opportunity to "talk" to people who

understand like no other people. I hope your back is a bit better after your

doctor visit. Take care, friend.

Marcia----Prayers that you are feeling better. Love the pics of Bethany.

Maryann----As others have said, you are not alone in your grief. Of course

it feels that way, I know. Come to BI and pour your pain & longing for your

son out, so that others may reach out to you. Everyone here knows how the

crushing grief can flood over you, and we understand. Hang on & stay with us.

Peace & comfort to you, our friend.

      Daveysmom, Sherry

  

[mikesmum]

After all I am just the grandma, but she was my gift, my daugter named her after me, I took care of her so my daughter could continue her schooling, her life.  I am sorry .. I am so confused right now,. I will let it rest thanks to all the people who let me ramble

You are so much more than 'just a grandma'.  You are the one who ushered this bright light into the lives of many.  Who gave her the stability needed to allow her own mother to 'grow'.  You are the one who provided her the wisdom of age, the unconditional love and the connection that anchored her. 

This is the 'rambling place'.  We come with another wound to our hearts, to share the pain with our friends and be reminded that we are not alone.  Pls when you are able tell us more about your grandbaby and your daughters.....

I lost a nephew 7 yrs ago and at the time never thought how deep the pain was for my own mother.  I did see the light in her eyes leave and thank the powers that be that she passed before Micheal......that I think would have been too much for her to bear.

This Granma is taking 10yr old Emily and 6yr old Caleb overnight.  We have planned a picnic in the forest near the river to find a place of rememberance for Mike......

On the subject of those related who don't get it..

Is it my expectations that are too high to achieve or the lack of knowing that causes such behaviours.....ponderance so early can hurt the head.

Thoughts of you and Jon Dee, hoping the snap, crackle pop worked for you both.

Sherry you posted as I wrote...you are right, no one knows why each day we are still here, still going, but you know, finding youall here and knowing Mike has such good company that is one thing that keeps me going.

For the families of those soliders who died thoughts and prayers.  For the family of the man who took these lives thoughts and prayers for them...the torment is eternal..

Its a clear crisp morning before a day of 30c.   This is sunrise from my front garden, take around 6am

And this as I stepped through our trees

You know the drill.....dog at the ready....we are off! 

[daveydow1]

Betty----More prayers for you as you decide what to do about the job.

I so know how you feel about it. I returned to work  only 3 wk. after

Davey's death, because I was getting pressured into returning. It was

a mistake for me to go back so soon. My job was a one where I had to be

upbeat and a "people person", and it was such a strain. So, I ended up

leaving the job I loved within the next 2 mo., but I can't say that I really

regretted my decision. I hope you can come to a good decision for yourself.

Good luck & best wishes.

      Sherry

 

[daveydow1]

To Newcomer-----I am so very sorry for your loss. Please come back to

BI and share all your grief with us here. I am over 6 yrs. on this journey,

(son David, age 31 was killed in a highway crash in '03), and have found

that this site is like no other place where others understand you because

they are also on the same journey...just different places along the timeline.

The BI "family" welcomes all who find they are on this sorrowful journey,

and we all get encouragement, and hopefully can help another who is

struggling with the pain of losing a loved one. Peace to you.

      Daveysmom,  Sherry

[4everjoeysmom]

rlolheser--I am so glad you found your way here. And you'll soon find that your feelings "the ones about not having a right to your emotions" come from guilt and are not the truth. You have every right to grieve that precious child!! She's your heart!!

I hope in time, when you feel more comfortable, you will share more about her with us, so we can get to know her through you. We love sharing our children, because they and their legacies STILL LIVE ON through us. I, for one, am honored that you have come here to allow us to walk with you in your grief journey. HUGS!!!! ~Claudia

[ericasmom]

I am going to a play this evening, directed by one of my best buddies. It is about 60 miles away, so I will write when I get home tonight. I wish everyone a peaceful evening. Betty how was the parade? Marcia, what did the doctor say? Lorri, anymore hilarity? Lynn, you out there? Bonnie, are you doing okay?

dee

[mikesmum]

Dee - stay safe, enjoy the play.....LOOOOOOOOVVVVE that pic of Eri...Tink!

[hotrod]

Hi Everyone

I did manage to get to the N Yankees Parade and enjoy the exhilaration and energy of the crowds and the wonderful loud marching bands. .  Crowds were larger than usual  and it was close to  impossible to get a great view but to just be there with the crowds filled my spirit.

 

Newcomer Grandmother I am so very sorry for the loss of your Grandchild.  You certainly loved this child and miss her terribly.  Please tell us more about her and your love for her/  If possible post a picture..

 

Dee I hope you enjoyed your play.  The description of your stay in the City and your  walks around the River was beautiful.  I agree,  this is a great city to walk in.  I am sure you had Eri walking with you.

 

Sherry  Thank you so much for sharing your work experience.  I can so identify with a job that requires an upbeat personality that is why I was hesitant about returning.  I am so  sorry for the loss of your handsome son, Davey   and that you returned too soon after your loss.  I  understand fully  why you needed to leave.

By the way I  cannot sleep at night and am up to 2 or 3 AM .   I just watch stupid cable police shows . 

 

Terrie  Your account of your current work experience brought tears to my eyes.  I know the loss of  your beautiful son, Adam,  is still so devastating.  You are fortunate to have understanding boss and coworkers.  I would not be returning to such an environment and I can see how difficult it is even in the best of worlds.  Hope your husband is on the mend.

 

I have decided to not return to work I am not the same person who worked there and will not be able to show up in the same manner.  I have been volunteering in a homeless shelter and will continue to do this as I am enriched by this service.

 

Lorri I do hope today was uneventful

 

Carol  Hope your hubby is also recovering  I did smile when you talked about his visits to the doctor,  Sounds familiar.

Mary Ann Hope you are feeling a little bit better tonight.

 

Sue When you finish your poem to your precious daughter I hope you share it here.

 

Betsy  Rich was correct He is Handsome!!! That made me smile

 

Trudi  As usual beautiful pictures of your early morning.   Thanks 

 

Kathy, Colleen, Marcia,Beth and all stay well

 

Good Night

 

Betty

Stephen'mom:)

[mikesmomrs]

Oh, my goodness, one day off the boards, and wow, so many, many posts...busy, busy, busy...I have been laid low with a toothache that got bigger and bigger...finally got to the dentist today and had to have three fillings, 2 on one side, 1 on the other.  I am the BIGGEST baby when it comes to the dentist...fortunately, my dentist knows this and is gentle with me...he has been treating me for 22 years...so, though it wasn't easy at all, it wasn't the trip to the torture chamber that I had envisioned.  Hopefully, by tomorrow it will all be a memory...still numb in some places, but then hubby says that's nothing new...

Mary ann:  I am so sorry that you haven't been able to post the pic you wanted...Mary, Drew's mom, had the same problem and sent it to me via email and I was able to post it for her...if you would like, I can do it for you also...just pm me and I will send you my email...we can't send pics attached to pms through the board, but we can do it through regular email...I will be more than happy to help...I was glad to read that you are doing somewhat better today...

Lorri:  I too hope that you had a better day today...if the guys kept reading, then I guess they got what was due...you did warn them...lol!  I know it wasn't funny for you, but I know that one day you will look back and laugh at it all...

Dee:  Your statement about "making room" ("it made more room for the road I had to pave") really hit home with me...that was in the discussion that I had with my therapist this week...we talked about the expression "letting it go" and how we can't really do that...what we need to do is open up more and make room for it...it is part of us, we can't change that...it always will be...so we must open up our hearts more and make room for the pain as well as the joy (for that road we need to pave)...both will always be with us...as we all know, letting go just isn't always possible, rarely is, no matter how much we talk about letting something go, there are still thoughts that will linger, flow through our brains now and then...I came away with a new perspective on the letting go , and hopefully when those thoughts come now, I can allow myself them, not fight them to try to let them go, but allow them to be absorbed in my history to eventually be overshadowed by the joys that are there also.  I am so glad that you got to walk with Jon, his g/f and the dog...your walks are so beautiful, I am sure that some of your pleasure of the walk rubbed off on them..Jon is in my prayers for peace to find its way into his heart...I hope you have a good time at the play tonight...

Betty:  So glad you got to go to the parade..yes, the excitement of the crowd can become part of us...that is what happens every time I go to a game with my daughter...the excitement generated by the crowds just becomes part of us...my memories of having been there with Mike so many times, while at first overwhelming and near impossible to deal with, become remembrances more of the joys we shared there than the pain of missing him there so much...even Mike would say, begrudgingly of course...that the Yanks deserved to win this year...doesn't make me like them any better...lol...but credit must be given where it's due...

Leah:  So happy that you were able to post the picture of your beautiful granddaughter, Jaboa...you do not need to worry about "rambling" here; that is what we do...talk to each other, talk to all, listen to all, offer and receive comfort, understanding, love from others who are walking this path...and that Jaboa is your granddaughter vs your daughter does not make it any less pain for you...you have been with this child since she breathed her first breath...she is part of you, also, and always will be.  Share more of her when you can/want...we are here, always.

Trud:  I hope that you and Em and Caleb have a good time at the river and are able to find a wonderful, perfect spot for Micheal to be remembered in...I know you will eventually see what is perfect, the sight of it will wash over your heart, and you will know...thanks for sharing the beautiful pics of sunset from your yard...I feel as though I was there, beside you, when you took the pics...oh, that it could be so...but for now, virtual will have to do...

Sherry:  So good to see your Davey's smiling face and hear from you, as always...

Marcia:  What more can be said....Bethany's picture...a beautiful girl, a vision...an angel even before she got her wings...I hope that your leg is better by time for your meeting...but please don't push it...I am sure they will understand if you can't make it for that meeting...gosh, how I wish I could be there to help you...

Bonnie:  You doing okay?  I know there is a let down after all the prep and carrying out of Pinnacle Days---you are in my prayers for strength...

To all:  I hope you have a peaceful weekend...please spend a moment sending thoughts of peaceful energy to those suffering their losses from the Fort Hood tragedy...as Dee mentioned...the pain is horridly felt by those who lost someone, and those who loved the perpetrator are suffering, as well... 

Need to go take some more Tylenol...novacaine is really gone now...reality hits with a vengeance...

love and peace,   carol  mikesmomrs

[summergirl]

Leah - I am a grandmother - actually my precious grandson Tavian calls me Mi-Mi. My daughter passed away from ARVD on Feb 18, 2006 and my husband and I now raise Tavian after a custody battle with which we were awarded full-custody.       I want to tell you that I know exactly how you feel - you are NOT just a grandma.     My Jessica was 21 when she told me she was pregnant, not married, a nice guy (so we thought) and I was not happy - I too thought she had too much life to live, to many things to do and having a baby was not one of them. Jessica however was determined to have this baby and like you I was there when that precious baby boy took his first breath but unfortunatly not when my Jessica did. Losing a grandchild as you did is as painful as losing your own child - you were there for her in the same way as a mother is and you have every right to feel the loss as you do.       I am so sorry for your loss, so sorry that your pain is so intense and the GUILT that consumes one with a loss such as yours and all of us here at BI.  Losing my beautiful Jessica was and always will be the most devasting thing that has happened in our lives and I will never be the person I was, life changes forever but time does bring a softness that allows us to live life once again, to smile, laugh and love. There will always be dark days, tear filled days, black holes that we fall into but we find a way to survive - to live for our lost child.  Tavian was 4 when his mommy left, he was staying the weekend at our house - we could never get enough of him - he will be 8 on Feb 11, 2010. Raising him for our Jessica is what keeps us going, surviving and I thank God every day for him.  I know I am rambeling but I want so badly to make you see that you are SO MUCH MORE THAN JUST A GRANDMA and always will be.      We all wish we could have done something, known something, fixed something to keep our child here but all the beating up we do to ourselves will not change what has happened.  I am so happy that you are here but of course hate the reason why - please tell us as much as you can about your beautiful grandaughter and also about her mommy - how is she?       You will find that I am passionate about "talking" - I have a tendency to start writing and can't seem to stop.  Welcome, my friend, to a place where you shall find peace, love, understanding, tears, happiness and most of all those who understand. Peace be with you - Kathy

[summergirl]

Carol - you are so right - one day away and I am like "what I have missed now and where do I start" - but as Dee said we cannot be here every minute and so we do what we can just like we do every day of our lives.

I did not get a response from anyone about how you feel about the "swine flue vaccine" - Tavian is scheduled for his next Thursday and I am nervous but his doctor said it is fine and she highly recommends it. Just thought all you SMART ones out there might give me some insight.

So, tomorrow Tavian is going for a sleep over at Jessica's friend Trish's home, there will be 3 other kids there and he is very excited but I think Trish is more excited that he actually wants to come. My problem is that she lives in the same apartment complex that Jessica did - Jessica's apartment number was 25 and Trish is 33 and I have to drop him off - I know it sounds silly but my heart twists thinking about driving into the complex knowing I have to drive by Jessica's apartment. I told Tavian where Trish lives and he said "that's ok mi-mi, I want to go" so I guess I better suck it up and get over it for his sake. I know the tears will flow as I drive away.

Beautiful pics Trudi - how I would love to travel to your home some day!!

Tired but Tavian wants me to watch cartoons with him (it is almost 11 p.m.) but what can I say.

Peaceful dreams my family - Kathy

 

[mikesmum]

Leah - She is beautiful and such a beautiful name.  Given her impromtu entry into your daughters life, she had the best care - a grandma with unconditional love.  I hope sharing her here, her life and times goes in someway to softening the ache of losing her.   It has been the one thing that truly helped me....being able to speak about my son with those who know.

Carol - with you on the dentist thing.  Had my last check up before flying to the US and thankfully I only needed two filling redone and a clean.....

Oh by the way, must be a slow sports day here.....we had the NY win  over the Philly's coverage here after the news (what the!!)

Kathy - I know you will 'suck it up' when you drop Tavian.  Hard memories, but remember good ones too.   I get how that feels.  Each time we drive to Mikes Place we pass the house where he died.....oh yeah that suxs big time...

Betty - I'm glad to see you have made your choice. I have decided to not return to work I am not the same person who worked there and will not be able to show up in the same manner.  I have been volunteering in a homeless shelter and will continue to do this as I am enriched by this service.

 Your words rang so true in my heart - the change is irreversible in me.  A light went on in my head....maybe this is the direction I should begin heading in.  Thanks..

Marcia - hope the plaster cast adjustment went in someway to easing your aching leg.

Bonnie - Know you're out there somewhere...heart to you always....

Colleen - Love the video clips of your Brian.....precious memories for you to keep

Puppy bathed, snoozing - chasing butterflies and bugs for a couple of hours will do that to you!!!

Peace out...

[ericasmom]

Hi Leah, we talked earlier adn now I know both your name and your beautiful Grandgirl. Pretty name and beauty Girl. You are in the right place Leah.

Kath, I think folks did post their opinions on the flu shot, I wrote that many of my students have received it adn seem fine, as do many adults I know. It is not easy to make these decisions but I am sure that if you like the doctor you can trust what they are saying.

Carol, OW, I might be a much bigger chicken than you when it comes to the mouth doc. I would rather go to the gyno than the dentist, and mine too is very gentle. It must go way back to our youth, and I mean Way Back.

Glad the husband is on the mend. Stay healthy now. Yep, we pave the new road, it is wider than the old in order to accomodate our wide load of memories and heart.

Betty, happy that you had a good time at the parade. I get swept up in the great high energy too. Love that. Yes, I have some good NYC stories, such fine times adn indeed, Eri was with us on one trip, and after she died, July of 2003, we went in late August. I was wandering aimlessly and weeping through Central Park. I sat at the statue/fountain where folks take their dogs adn allow them to get in the water...I watched and along came a Bassett Hound, that was the dog ERz wanted and I looked up and there I really took in the statue. A beautiful angel. I wept for a long time, the sobbing snot kind of cry, when a lovely older gentleman with an English accent approached me, (yes Trudi, I know, it is us that have the accent). Anyhow, he was so dear, blundering, "oh my should I get my wife for you Dear, can I get you a drink, what is it deary?"  I told this lovely man my story of deep loss and he had tears in his eyes and stayed with me for about 20 minutes. I wandered for another 2 hours in the park.

another time, in January, I strolled the park and came upon the ice skating pond. Parents teaching little ones to skate, some that knew how to spin were off to the side spinning. I wept, Eri was a skater, would have loved this setting as do I, to skate. Oh memories.

[4everjoeysmom]

Leah, Jaboa is a darling!! Glad you are finding understanding in safety and some comfort here...

Kathy, There are risks of getting flu with the flu shot, but at Tavian's age, I think the risks are greater of getting the flu without it--the way kids pass and share their germs and illnesses in school. I think there will be many things to come along that will make us think twice and more than we ever would have before our losses...just comes with the territory. Take comfort in knowing that you are doing your best to protect him and we can all only do as much as we are able. The rest is in God's hands.

Bonnie, Thinking about you, as Trudi and I both recently had big events and realized the "coming down from the high". Hope you're doing OK.

Mary Ann, You may be reading this..and if so...HUGS!!

So many friends here and I would love to sit and write long letters to each..but then as I sit, my motivation shrinks ( a new normal for me since Joey died, and I try so hard to wrestle with it and FAIL so often...) Love you all and sending good wishes and blessings for the day and beyond... xoxoxo ~Claudia

[cameronsmom1]

Hey!!

So I had a scare yesterday. They called and told me to get to Labor and Delivery as soon as possible to redo my ultrasound. I rushed up there not having a clue what was wrong. I was feeling Ashton move so I wasn't too scared but it scared me the fact that they wouldn't tell me why. I get hooked up to the machines to monitor the baby and everything looks good. They take me downstairs for the ultrasound and come to find out it was because there wasn't much movement on the last one and they wanted to check on it and also they were concerned about the weight. So they do the ultrasound and he is moving fine and they were able to check everything twice. They redid all the measurements and said that she did it twice just to make sure it was right since they were wanting to know the weight. Turns out he is not 6lbs 3oz, he is 7lbs 8oz measuring at 37 weeks!!! Holy Crap!! LOL So they went ahead and sent me home and said he really wants to see me next week to set up the induction date. So it could be pretty soon!! Me and my big baby boys!!! LOL

Thank you Marcia for keeping me calm!!!

Amanda

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  Many tears and chills as I read your post about your walks in central park "with" Eri:   the angel statue, the wonderfully kind gentleman, the dog, and then another time, the ice rink...the pain that you walked with...I've read your story three times, and each time, tears...your sweet Eri, reaching out to let you know she was there with you...thank you for sharing such beautiful events with us...you bring us with you whenever you write of your walks, be they current or in the past...my heart is with you in your memories...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, your words make me cry, so sweet are your connections to the world andto each of us. Thanks so much.I am off to my writing group, so I will talk later in the day.

Amanda, pt that YOung One for me, kisses to the BabyMan.

[hotrod]

Good Morning All

 

Dee : Thank you so much for sharing your experience in Central Park.   I too shed a tear as I read. I could readily see that elderly gentleman consoling you and  feel your sadness. The Ice skating rink you came across  is where Stephen learned to skate.  He, like Eri loved the cold and skating. 

You truly captured the essence of the park.  The zoo was also a great favorite.  Each time I go by the park I too have bittersweet memories of the many happy hours I spent there with Stephen, 

I hope your day is peaceful

 

Lea: Joboa is certainly a very beautiful young lady.  Thank you for sharing her story.  I too feel a great deal of comfort visiting here and posting.

 

Carol Hope your tooth is better and that you are recovering .

Marcia  How is the leg? 

 

Trudi Thanks I realized more and more after reading your message that I did make the right move even if others think I am foolish!!

 

Amanda take care of yourself 

Kathy I sold Stephen's house 4 months after he passed.  I have never been back to the area.  A good friend and his next door neighbor passed away last Christmas- I could go to the wake but I could not return to the neighborhood and go near to the house next to the one he lived in for 15 years,  I understand your reluctance. I know you were successful because you were doing it for your precious grandson. 

Sue Thinking of you during this painful time

 

Mary Ann, Claudia, Shell, Sherry, Terrie, Lorri, Dan, Greg,Colleen and Betsy,  thinking of each of  youl and hope your Day is Blessed.

 

Betty

Stephen'sMom:)

[heartbeataway]

Hi guys,

I'm here ...... lurking in the background.  Everything just seems heavy right now and I have no words.

Dad continues to cheat death.  I dreamed about him the other night.  He was "glowing".

The legal issues with our former employee are now public knowledge and requiring more involvement. Such a sad situation. He is also a family member so decisions have been hard.  He really left us no choice but I still feel bad about it.

I've had a couple of disappointments from friends lately and when I don't understand, it's hard for me to understand why folks can be what seems so deliberately cruel. 

Rich feels strong enough this year to share Thanksgiving and I still don't feel like being part of someone elses "happy".  We considered going to New York but, we couldn't get a decent room on the parade route or secure boarding for the pups. We plan to go to the parade next year and then to friends who live upstate. 

The stores are becoming very "holidayish"  and folks seem to be getting in that holiday frame of mind ...... this use to be my favorite time of year.  Now I want a fast forward button!

Amanda,

I am excited for you ....... looking forward to the official announcement  of Ashton's birth from Marcia (?)  Jason was 7lbs even and he was 15 days late! 

We offically finished our qualification for foster care/adoption.  Now I sit back and wonder what the future holds in that regard.  After last weekend ......... I just don't know.

Have a good weekend guys ....... we are hoping for a Jayhawk win over the Wildcats (K State) and meeting old neighbors for dinner at The Tortilla Factory tonight.  That means I've got to get out of my "cozy" pants and my "cozy" zone for a while.  Might be a good thing.......... :?

Love!

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[shellbellsmom]

Good day everyone.  So many posts the last few days…  So many up and so many downs. 

Grief is like a roller coaster ride;  “It is an up and down journey that can be terrifying.  There are plenty of times people want to just scream! Your emotions can change from day to day, hour to hour, and even moments by moments.  You can feel upside down, then the right way up.  Eventually things slow and you can catch a breath."  

Does this sound familiar to anyone here?

Love all the photos of our angels…Zach is adorable, Bethany’s beauty is stunning, Rich such a handsome young man.  Trudi love the beautiful pics of the place you call home and we call “Down Under” …someday I hope to visit your beautiful country. Love all the memorial websites too. I spent many sleepless nights working on my daughters.

Marcia hope you are up and around soon and are able to attend your TCF meeting next week.  I faithfully attend my support groups.  Someone asked me a while ago why I still attend meetings.  I answered for me , and for others who may need me.  A new parent in one of my groups stopped me once after group and thanked me to being there…she said I was a sign of hope….a sign that we do survive, we never lose the hurt/pain in our hearts…but we do survive with the support from others.  So I still go.   Claudia your words were beautifully put in regards to this.  “still the vivid realness, it's there. But thank GOD the sharpness of that pain, the wanting to lay down and not breathe anymore has faded into a memory. I survived.”

For all you walkers…wish I had your motivation.  I know the importance of it for our health….both physically and emotionally just wish this unmotivated body “got it”.  :?

Betty take as much time as you need with your decision.  For me, I never got to the point I felt I could work effectively again…maybe someday, but not as of yet.    It was much easier for me to volunteer my time when I was able to. No pressure.  It is also more rewarding for me to help others in need.   

I want to welcome all the new posters, all the re-posters (that’s me), and all the readers ~  not ready to post as of yet. This is a great support system where people come together from all parts for the world, with all different stories and from all different walks of life…with one similarity….the lost of their child.  We all "Get it" here.

Tomorrow is the mass for my daughter with the dinner celebration to follow.  Most of my family will be present, but sadly all her friends are unable to make it.  Their lives have moved on…babies, marriage preparations, and travels.  I guess this is a good topic for my new therapist and me to discusss next week.  BTW she seems Ok for now…will see how it goes the next couple of weeks.  Got my bookmarks done that I plan on giving to people who come to her birthday celebration.  Dreading tomorrow and Monday (the actual BD)…but will survive. 

Thanks for everyone’s support.  Wishing everyone a wonderful peace filled weekend.  Suzanne (Michelle’s mother)

[lolynbo]

MUCH BETTER DAY YESTERDAY.....HERE IS WHO ALL I SAW AND MET....

SAW : MARK MARTIN, JEFF GORDON, KYLE BUSCH, MATT KENSETH, MICHEAL WALTRIP, TONY STEWART, DALE FREAKN JR, DELANA HARVICK, CLAY WALKER (COUNTRY SINGER),GREG BIFFEL,

GET THIS..WE ASKED CARL EDWARDS FOR AUTOGRAPH...HE TOUCHED MY ARM AND SAID "I GOTTA GO NOW"  I WILL NEVER WASH AGAIN...

KASEY KHANE (SP), WAS WALKING BY AND I SAID "KASEY CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH..." HE REACHES FOR A PEN (I DONT HAVE ONE BUT I HAVE A TAMPON, IS ALL I COULD THINK) SOMEONE HANDED HIM ONE AND HE SIGNED MY PINK HOODIE...IM GIVING IT TO BRENTS GIRLFRIEND CARLEY...SHE LOVES HIM...(KASEY SOOOOOO PRETTY)

MONTY GOT KEVIN HARVICKS AUTOGRAPH (I HAVE PICS AS SOON AS I CAN GET EM OFF MY CAMERA I WILL POST IT).

WELL THE TRK WE WENT TO GO SEE (FROM ARDMORE) HIT THE WALL IN ABOUT 22 LAPS...(THERE GOES ABOUT 20k)...

I WILL COMENT ON YALS POSTS WHEN I CAN JUST WANTED YAL TO NO IM OK...TODAY

[shellbellsmom]

Oops... I must have missed several posts.  Leah your special jewel Jaboa is beautiful...

and Dee  my daughter loved to ice skate too.  We have a rink here in town that she would frequent. She would always say its was "cheap fun".  There are so many places I wish she could have gone...she missed so much out of life.  She was taken too soon....

Amanda so glad everything is good with you and your pregnancy. 

Bonnie- I am dreading the holidays too...wish it was January already!

Peace- Sue

[rlolheiser]

 

[ericasmom]

Sue, I am with you tomorrow and Monday, walking alongside your heart as you feel  vulnerable to the dates, to the reasons. I hope that you will post your bookmark for us to see, and maybe, if you come to the reunion in Minneapolis, you can bring some to show others another way to help create an atmosphere of remembrance, of respect, and of SAYING THEIR NAMES. WE are all with you Sue, and we celebrate the life and love, the courage and conviction of the Girl of your Dreams, Michelle.

Leah, Jaboa is watching over you as you find ways to make her brother's life good and strong. You sure have been through it haven't you? Test after test, and here you are further proving that the reason we are still here when our Babies are not, is because we still have work to do here. Blessings.

Betty, how wonderful that Stephen learned to skate in so wonderful, magical of a place. I love cities, and I love the energy that surrounds a place such as the rink in Central Park. I stumbled across the zoo one day too, so inadvertently, I have seen much of the park. I get lost in my own backyard, (kidding but no, NO sense of direction) so thinking I knew how to get back to where I started in the Park was crazy stupid, since I know that I cannot find my way back on a straight path. Happily however, I usually like to be lost in the city, any city, as being in the midst of thousands and yet somewhat alone with my heart and spirit is a huge and special feeling. It is poetry to me. I capture or just get hit with the energy that rushes out of others, and I gobble it up as it enters me. I become richer with stories and visuals than ever, with the mix of sound from streets, voices, transportation...Riches.

Do you skate Betty? I haven't in two years, maybe three, but want to again. I have a new pair of skates, perhaps this year they will click and clack the ice, one of my favorite sounds.

Bonnie, what a time you have had. These past 6 months have found you dealing with so many issues and yet here you are, smiling out through your Beautiful Boy's image, blessing everyone with your hopes. You have done so much for all of us, offering us the chance to examine our hearts with our flag project. Thanks Bonnie and please take care. I hope getting out of your comfy's is a good thing tonight.

Lorri, the tampon wouldn't work but it sure would have been funny.

Peace out all,

dee

[lolynbo]

OH YA BABY

[daveydow1]

Sue---Thoughts & prayers for you. Peace, my friend.

Bonnie---Know just what you mean about not getting into the holiday

spirit. I, too, used to really get so excited about the holidays......not

anymore. All the kids are grown & gone. Of course, the little grandies...

ages 3 and 5 can inspire me to "get with it" some. But, like you....I could

just as well fast forward to January.

Dee---Yep----Cities are great! I especially like Chicago, where my husband

took me years ago. I am a country girl all the way, but found that Chicago

"dazzled" me. That was years ago, but I still remember it vividly. The North

Side near Loyola U. was beautiful. Riding the el trains was such an experience

for me. Years later, I had the chance to visit downtown Chicago at Christmastime.

That was great....all those department store windows !  Do they still decorate

them like that now?  (it has been years since I've been there). Peace to you.

    Daveysmom,  Sherry

[ericasmom]

They do Sherry, though now that Macy's has taken over Marshall Fields, and Carsons is gone, it is different. It is though, the prettiest city I think. I walk around it often, loving the surge of energy.

I go to the Art Museum often, but the day after Thanksgiving I go for th eannual wreathing of the lions that stand at the front of so grand a building. I cry even when I try very hard not too. The ceremony, the beauty, the ritual of it all serves to cause deep emotions of a time when the yearly traditions made more sense. I hope to find new and wonderful reasons to celebrate. We will adopt a family as a classroom again, which will serve the students well in plaNning for others who are in need, and it will serve the family well, giving them a reason to believe in the thought that it Takes a Village. It will do my old heart a lot of good as well, knowing that on christmas morning, three kids will open up gifts that Santa brought.

[mikesmomrs]

Leah:  I am so glad that you feel comfortable enough here to be able to say things on your mind and feel as though you are going to be heard and no judgment passed...the judgments we face in the "real" world (why isn't she over this yet, she should be past this by now, etc.) are not valid here...no judgments...grief does not have a time clock...nor a gavel.  You've certainly had your share of life..., up and down, and we are here for you...

Amanda:  I meant to mention in my last post that I am so glad that things were okay...I can imagine how scared you were.  It is just unbelievable that the time has passed so quickly, but perhaps not so quickly for you.  Ashton is waiting patiently, just by your heart, to bring his lovely self to your family. 

Lorri:  So great that things went better today...or was it Friday that you posted...I can't go back to check when I am posting...I lose my post...usually I type up my post in Word, then transfer, but tonight I went right to "reply."  Anyway, with all those famous people signing autographs for you, you will never wash again...you sound like you are having a good time, nonetheless, even with all of your side adventures...

Sue:  I will be with you tomorrow and Monday as you tred this path...I a glad that your family is celebrating the life of your sweet Michelle, and I am sure that she is still firmly entrenched in the hearts of her friends, even though they couldn't make it.  Yes, unfortunately for us, their life goes on...ours stays at the age our child was when they left...our memories of them are not reinforced with new ones...we must make the old ones strong and forever etched in our minds and living in our hearts...

Bon: So sorry to hear that you've been on the down side of the cycle...having all of these things happen now, right after your Pinnacle Days, is likely adding to the turmoil...I understand about the disappointments in friends---we've been burned also, and it hurts, it truly does.  I am so sorry that you are having to deal with these issues...the family problem, also, is a torture for you, as well.  You are in my heart and prayers, for some peaceful moments to surround your heart and your mind... 

I totally understand, also, about everyone's wish for the "fast forward" button for the holidays...I thought they might get easier as time went by...haven't seen that happen yet...everything reminds me of Mike...ads on TV even are hard to take...he LOVED the holidays...beginning with Halloween right through New Year's.  He was like a little kid, always...that last Christmas, we held out hope that it wouldn't be his last...I look back and ask myself "why didn't we just admit it to ourselves...take it over the top...make it outlandishly special for him..."  I don't know...there are many possible reasons...for one, his wife didn't want it--it was too painful; for another, it was bad enough that our hearts already knew that it was his last; it would have been worse to make our brains process it by making it more so than usual---and Mike would have been uncomfortable over the constant reminders, also...   Mike and Sarah had just moved into their own apartment the first of November...but they weren't doing Thanksgiving at their house; she wanted to do it at her mom's.  Mike was torn...he so much wanted them to be here...I could have taken her and shaken her out of a fifth story window, but said nothing--just screamed inside til my heart throbbed.....I don't care what he wanted to do...IT WAS GOING TO BE HIS LAST...LET HIM DO IT HIS WAY, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE...I don't care if he wanted to walk nude at the oceanside with a purple wig on...just LET him DO it!!!!!!!!!!  I suggested that everyone just come here...we would make room...that went over like a lead balloon.  Finally, unbeknownst to me, he gave her an ultimatum on that morning..."the three of us go to my folk's or I go alone and meet you later at your mom's."  (He had earlier suggested that they eat dinner with us, and dessert with her family...no dice)   I was trying so hard to understand and meet both of their needs and to stay out of the decision...she needed her family's support to help her get through this.  He needed his family's support, as well, but he also needed those old traditions that meant so much to him as well, to make it feel as normal as possible...  To make matters worse, I had been on my back for over a month, hardly able to stand, (a serious back issue) and I so wanted to "be there" for him...Hubby helped me get up that morning and I made the table centerpiece...slowly, slowly...couldn't walk by myself---still don't know if all the tears were from the pain or a mixture of the physical pain and the heartache I felt.   Hubby helped, asking me "Why are you doing this...you are hurting so much..." I just looked at him and said "I have to."  When they came in, you could feel the tension...but eventually, they calmed down and it was almost as if she realized that this was what he needed right now..., like it or not, HIS needs were what needed to be met...there would be plenty of time to meet our own needs, plenty of time.   Hubby actually cooked the entire dinner all by himself...first time ever he did that...we had always done it together and the kids would clean up.  Everyone was here, even a few of Mike's friends unexpectedly came by...Damon was two weeks from being 1 yr old, so he was such a joy...I do think that he is what brought the peace into our house that day...him and God.  I think we all learned a lot that day, also...  So, the memories come, they flood our hearts with bittersweet thoughts, they flood our eyes with tears...but we must do it...we must honor those memories of our precious children...they are here, watching us, being with us, remembering too...

this is a pic of Damon, waiting for his dinner...the only Thanksgiving day he ever had with his daddy...

I am sorry to have rambled on so...it just all came out...like opening a door with everything stuffed behind it to the breaking point...I am so thankful that you all are here, to help me stuff it all back in...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[shellbellsmom]

The picture of Damon is so precious....but also so sad knowing that was his only Thanksgiving with his father.  So sorry for your painful memories of the holidays.  It's a hard time for all. 

One good memory I have is when my sister (who worked with my daughter) was having financial problems and told my daughter that she wouldn't be able to buy her two children Christmas presents that year.  My daughter was so sad and came home and told me she wanted me to buy gifts for her cousins and to use all the money I would have spent on her for their gifts. She said " I don't need anything... and I can't bear to think of them without any gifts".  She meant it too.....she was so special and had a heart of gold.  We always adopted a family in need so we decided we might as well do it to someone in our family that needed help.  On the 1st Christmas after her death I remembered what she had said about helping those in need so I came across a family who had a child suffering from blood cancer (like she did) that needed help and brought them all gifts...she would have wanted me too, and maybe she is the one that help me stumble upon them.  So though I dread the holidays coming up without her to share it with...and all the "happy holiday" people I do cherish some wonderful memories of my daughters great gift of kindness and love for others. 

Here are a few of the bookmarks I made...I have several different poems on them.  I asked my son if he wanted one, and he said "No Thanks!" he didn't want the constant reminder of her death every time he opened a book...he said he'd rather use old receipts and scraps of paper instead.  

[lolynbo]

ask myself "why didn't we just admit it to ourselves...take it over the top...make it outlandishly special for him..."  I don't know...

I NEVER THOUGHT OF DEC 25TH , 2007 BEING KOURTNEYS LAST...I THOUGHT SHE WOULD GET BETTER...IF I HAD KNOWN I WOULD HAVE MADE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT...BUT ITS HARD TO DO THIS WHEN SHE WAS NOT CONCIECOUS (SP) AND HOOKED UP TO SO MANY DIFF MACHINES..WE WOKE UP CHRISTMAS MORNING AFTER SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR IN ICU...TO KIMBERLY AND CODY, AND KODY HAVING STOCKING FOR US AND LIL GIFTS AND A SMALL FIBER TREE WITH PICS OF ALL OFNUS ON IT (I STILL HAVE IT, IT IS IN THE CLOSET I CANT BARE TO LOOK AT IT)...KIMBERLY HAD VERY LIL MONEY AND MADE THE HOLIDAY THE BEST SHE COULD...WITH WHAT WE WERE GIVIN..

I GUESS FROM NOW ON I WILL THINK OF CHRISTMAS WAKING UP ON ICU FLOOR AND PPL LOOKING AT US WITH OUR CHRISTMAS ALL ON OUR TABLE "(APARTMENT")..

THANKSGIVING WAS WORSE, KOURTNEY HAD JUST HAD SURGERIES FROM HER TUMOR BURSTING NOV 15 2007 (YES I DONT THINK I CAN EVEN GET OUT OF BED NOV 15, NEXT SUNDAY)...WE WENT DOWN TO THE CAFATERIA, ALL THE FAMILIES (MINE, MONTYS AND KOURTNEYS DAD BROUGHT FOOD) AND WE ALL ATE AND FEED OTHER PPL THAT HAD NONE...THEN WE GOT A CALL THAT SHE WASNT DOING WELL AND HAD TO RUN BACK UP TO ICU...IT SEEMED AS F EVERYTIME WE WERE IN THE CAFETERIA WE GOT A CALL.....THE HELL WE WENT THROUGH THE HELL SHE WENT THROUGH...I DONT EVEN THINK HELL HAS ANYTHING ON WHAT SHE/WE WENT THROUGH..

I WILL NEVER GET OVER OR FORGET THESE HORRIBLE DAYS IM ENTERING QUICKLY AGAIN....AS LONG AS I LIVE..

[mysonrich]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLA06UmFg0s

[arc4ever]

Lorri,

Can't we just skip the holidays?  I feel such pain for what you went thru on your last holidays with Kourtney.  The rest of the world is so clueless aren't they? 

I am at the point I can't even verbalize how horrible we feel.  How sorrowful I am for all of the other parents who have lost children. 

I'm so freakin tired of people asking "how you doing?" and what I want to answer is so out of the realm of their understanding and when I even attempt to tell them any answer such as "we are trying, but it is so hard" the answer I get back is "well this is what you have to go thru" WTF?????????  SHUT UP PEOPLE!  Quit asking, cause one day I'm gonna go off and tell someone the truth and then they may lock me in the crazy house!

Found some papers while cleaning the house today, (haven't cleaned in months and months)  Adam's confirmation paperwork, (he was due for confirmation May 19th, he died March 25th) where he answered questions about his beliefs, what he felt he needed help with etc.  Felt like my husband and I drove over a cliff, it broke out hearts.  I think my husband is having a mental breakdown, I swear he just keeps saying this is gettiing harder and harder.  He is in therapy and we are trying for disability.  Please if you pray, say a prayer that they grant his disability.  I am begging that it be granted.  I am so afraid. 

I know you are all out there feeling the same pain, I pray every day for all of us.

Love to all, goodnite Terrie (Adam's mom)