Loss of an Adult Child

[shellbellsmom]

Trudi thanks for signing the guestbook at my daughter’s memorial site…when I get an email alerting me to a new posting it makes me so happy that someone took the time to meet my precious daughter.    Thanks also for posting the GAP message….it sure hit home for me.

Greg love the song choice for the wonderful tribute to Bonnie’s  Jason.  

Claudia such a heartfelt poem you wrote and a wonderful tribute to your son Joey…I am sure he was there celebrating with you. 

Amanda so happy you will have a new bundle of joy arriving soon. 

Beth I commend you for working on your son’s memorial site with the intentions of possibly saving some lives, and for sharing Zach’s life with others.  This will be a work of love. 

I developed sugar problems a year after my daughter’s death….mine was also family history just waiting to happen but my physician said it was probably sped up by a year of deep depression (and me not taking good care of myself).  I am waiting the results of my blood work from this week, but not looking forward to them.  I see the doctor tomorrow and when my file is opened, attached to it is my daughter’s obituary.  It hits me every time seeing it.  I guess it’s a reminder to the nurses and my doctor to be easy on me….she was one of their patients. 

I hope they are easy on me tomorrow or otherwise I will fall apart.  It will take every ounce of energy to not cancel my appointment. I need to get rid of this bad attitude with health….my daughter was a young healthy girl who didn’t abuse her body and yet she developed cancer.  It should have been me.  One of the reasons I will probably go is to have her refill my sleeping pills.  I only occasionally use them but it sure helps me sleep during times I can’t.  One of those horrible feelings is lying awake at night…you know your body needs rest, but you can’t seem to shut down your thoughts to make it happen. 

I’m contemplating seeking the help of yet another psychologist for my depression.  The lady I saw for 10 months was useless…but yet I continued to go to her week after week.  Partly because it made me leave the house and partly because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her she wasn’t helping me.  Once she left for a 3 week vacation I never went back.  I attend many support groups which are my saving grace.  But lately I have been entering that dark hole again and need to get a grip on it before it takes over me.  I am a very functional depressed person if that makes sense.  I am able to do things and go places but just don’t find any fun in life much anymore.   But if you saw me you wouldn’t really know this by looking at me. I am a master of disguises. 

Take care everyone…till next time… Sue (Michelle’s Mother)

[shorty16]

My BI friends

I am doing better today.

Trudi - You are right.  I do not want any harm to come to Mike, I just do not want to see him.  I try to not see him, but he seems to be around me and my son Aaron. Seeing him reminds me of how I felt when I learned Brian was dead.  It was like a rush of pain, my skin hurt. I knew my life, as I knew it, was over. It all comes back.

I know with friends like you, Dee, Bonnie, Cindy, Marcia, Carol and others, I will someday learn to deal with seeing Mike and Sam go on with their lives.

Until then I will need to think before I speak (ya right)

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

 

[ericasmom]

Col, glad that you are doing better today. Hate to think of you hurting, but know that what Cindy said is so, that we can only control our own reactions in this world, can't control the motives or the reactions of others.

Sue, I do feel that it is worth going through a couple of therapists to find the best fit, but I know what you mean when you say that you did not want to hurt her feelings...but, my therapist assured me that some folks just don't fit, good therapists don't always fit to each potential client, so it is okay to try a few before settling on one. Your money, your time, your heart.

Claudia, the poem is lovely, and a wonderful tribute to who Joey is to his family, who HE will always be. Love the photo of Joey next to the poem.

dee

[lolynbo]

ANOTHER PIC OF KOURTNEY TRYING ON WIGS FOR HALLOWEEN...SHE WOUND UP GOING AS A WITCH...IDK IF I HAVE ANY PICS:(

[homeschoolmom]

If only the missing was restricted to a day, a moment...but yet as the poem said..."it is the price of love..." and one I gladly pay for the priviledge of being Rohan's Mama.

Got some sad news today. I was supposed to go to church with friends of ours last night, but wasn't feeling that great, so took a pass. After the service, it started raining and after fussing with his wife a bit about who was going to go cross the street for the car, an older gentleman stepped off the pavement, made it across the Northbound lanes, then was hit as soon as he stepped off the curb to cross the Southbound ones. Right in front of the church. He was life-flighted out with head injuries, but no further word yet on his condition.

The friend who was there said she was glad I wasn't there, but all I could feel was the surge of nausea rising up... Too close to home in more ways than one. The church is about 2 miles away from me, and my friend's daughter who also witnessed the accident has been our babysitter for over 5 years, and calls me Momma Shelly.

When one sits and reflects on the good things in life...weddings, tiny babies, rainbows, awesome vistas, the sound of water flowing over rocks, graceful birds and graceless teens...then the black hole swirls ever closer and the pain and heartbreak of losing our children tinge the brightest light with darkness...the sweetest joy with pain...and the melody of our life song is underscored with the harsh timbre of a love lost and hope dashed. But can the appreciation of one ever be truly had without the other? I don't know.

Colleen, praying for strength, grace, and the courage to let go...

Bonnie, am so glad you were blessed yesterday. Jason was sure looking out 4 ya.

Enid, I too, don't want that one day to overshadow all the other days we had with our children. I bit into an orange-cranberry muffin, warm from the oven...and I thought of you. If Ethan did for you what that muffin did for my hungry appetite, you were blessed indeed!

MaryAnn, hang in there...this day, too will soon pass.

Lorri, as always you have me cracking up. You certainly have the gift of humor.  I hope Marcia editted her story appropriately. Marcia, hint hint!

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[homeschoolmom]

Has anyone tried the Sweet and Salty Chocolate Peanut Butter Bugles? If you can find them...I think they're just a bit of heaven on earth! Tony doesn't care for them- thinks sweet and salty shouldn't go together. More for me!

Shelly

[ericasmom]

When one sits and reflects on the good things in life...weddings, tiny babies, rainbows, awesome vistas, the sound of water flowing over rocks, graceful birds and graceless teens...then the black hole swirls ever closer and the pain and heartbreak of losing our children tinge the brightest light with darkness...the sweetest joy with pain...and the melody of our life song is underscored with the harsh timbre of a love lost and hope dashed. But can the appreciation of one ever be truly had without the other? I don't know.

those are some beautifully stated words Shelly. Thanks for that.

dee

[shorty16]

BI friends

I had a good day today.  I was productive and engaged in my meetings and classes.

We have to pat ourselves on the back when we make it through a day being productive and engaged. 

Not all our days are like that anymore.

Colleen

[mikesmum]

Colleen - When we are 'productive and engaged' outside of our grief we truly honour the spirit of our children.  By being part of the MN 6 and the 4x4 Pinnicle Riders you truly live to honour Brian even with a broken heart and shattered dreams.....He would be so proud.

[4everjoeysmom]

When one sits and reflects on the good things in life...weddings, tiny babies, rainbows, awesome vistas, the sound of water flowing over rocks, graceful birds and graceless teens...then the black hole swirls ever closer and the pain and heartbreak of losing our children tinge the brightest light with darkness...the sweetest joy with pain...and the melody of our life song is underscored with the harsh timbre of a love lost and hope dashed. But can the appreciation of one ever be truly had without the other? I don't know.

I second Dee, Shelly! I think we can experience the joys, but I'm not so sure we can ever treasure them as deeply as we do if we hadn't known the sorrow...

The chocolate sweet and salty peanut butter bugles sound interesting...

[4everjoeysmom]

"The MN 6 and the 4x4 Pinnicle Riders"...

Woohooo!!! I LOVE IT!!!

You bet your boots Brian would be proud of his Mama!!

[daniellemom]

Hello All -

It's been awhile for me posting. First all THANK YOU BONNIE for including Danielle. I will make her a flag before next year and I'm planning on being there next year also. I'm so sorry I missed Jason's birthday yesterday but HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON!!

I have missed everyone and I'm going to try to catch up on the post.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[ericasmom]

Hi Sonya, good to see that smiling Beauty of yours. Danielle is like the crisp colors of Autumn. Breathtaking.

Speaking of that, I just was driving to the gym after a rather overly busy day, lunch meetings, after school meetings, not to even mention the incredible busy of this group of kids, and I just pulled in at home instead of going tot he gym. I changed my clothes and took a long wonderful late afternoon walk and all around me were the magical colors of Autumn. I ended up walking 3 miles to make up for not walking this morning, (husbandwakes me at 5:30 to go out for my walk, but 2 days in arow didn't cause he knows Ihave not been sleeping well), but I need my walks.

So I walked and at times I was ankle deep while on the sidewalks with gingko, pin oak, and sassafrass, sweet gum, red oak, red maple, and poplar, river birch, elm, ash, and sycamore leaves as well as those I cannot identify. It was glorious, really a gift to swish along the streets remembering times that came to mind. One such time was 28 Octobers ago when I walked on a similar day with a 'snuggly' attached to me and inside was my little boy, Jonathan. I walked for an hour and a half or so that day, just loving the feeling of having Jon, and showing him Autumn. He was all of 6 weeks old, but nevertheless. All of the autumns before and after that particular one have found me feeling a holiness with the changes in the air, the sky's color, the wind, the beauty. Each time I am amazed by the way the air is almost colored to a golden hue as the predominant color washes the scene out the windows.

It is also a time that finds many feeling the loss  of their little ones as it brings forward the holidays that they loved best. Remember to let yourselves take it in adn let it out, like breath, our emotions need to be allowed. Don't need to mask them here, and hopefully in your lives at home you are free to release what is inside as well.

Now the sun is down, already at 6:10, and I am home feeling renewed and hungry, and grateful as can be for this place in every season.

dee

[heartbeataway]

Sonya,

It was my pleasure to include Danielle. We are trying to come up with the date in September for next years event.

Dee,

I love your words! 

Colleen,

Glad you're having a better day .......

Shelly,

I will look for the bugles!  They sound yummy!

Lorri,

I love your new take on how Marcia broke her ankle.  LOVE IT!! 

I've been so tired the last couple of days.  I took a nap today and when Rich woke me up I thought it was morning ...... weird feeling!

Love!

Bonnie, Jay is "forever my child"

[summergirl]

Hello to all,

Claudia - what an amazing poem, a wonderful tribute to Joey. You are quite the crafts lady. The pics make me cry.

Greg - such a talent with video's - the tributes you do are dear to the heart.

Amanda - sooooooooooooo happy that baby boy will be here soon - can't wait for pics!!

Sue - I was very lucky in finding a therapist that fit with me as soon as I met her. I hope you find one that fits with you. I went for about a year and then she moved her business to the city so we did online talks for a while and then I told her I felt as though the time had come for me to move on without her. She was great about it and if I ever need to talk I just e-mail her but find that I haven't had too as this is where I am most comfortable.    Master of disguise - yes, we are that aren't we?? There are days when I walk by people and the thought comes to me that they can't see that I have lost my beautiful Jessica, they do not know I have lost a child, they do not know I grieve and then I wonder how many people I pass that think the same way as I do - I cannot see beyond their disguise either.    Yes, a functional depressed person - totally understand that. Take care of yourself my friend.

Went to the cemetery yesterday and put some beautiful flowers there for Jessica - suddenly found myself running for the car and driving away as fast as I could - I felt so guilty but I just could not bare to be there at that moment - my mind kept saying this is not right, I am not supposed to visit my daughter here, I am supposed to go to her apartment, see her at work, sit on the deck and talk and laugh with her !!!  Another meltdown but seem to be able to find my way through it.    I sometimes wonder if I have "moved forward" quicker than others here because of Tavian?? Would I be the same if not for him?? Would I be able to function the way I do without him??  Always a question.        

The question about sleeping - I sleep very well some night and others I am awake many times during the night but never leave my bed - lay there with many thoughts running through my mind until exhaustion takes over and I sleep again for a while. My best sleep is between 4 am and 6 am when I get up for the day. Do not believe I will ever sleep an entire night again.

I went on facebook last night and posted the saying I read here "ask me why I grieve so I can say her name again" - I got alot of responses from my friends !! Made me feel so good - they said her name.  JESSICA, JESSICA, JESSICA - I LOVE YOU MY GIRL.

Dee - I always feel as though I walk with you when I read your "walking posts" - thanks.

A peaceful night to all

[summergirl]

Sue - how do I get to Michelle's memorial site???

[shellbellsmom]

Michelle's memorial site:  http://michelle-lunn.virtual-memorials.com

Our foundation site: http://www.mlhope.org

Sweet dreams everyone....Sue

If these links don't work go to my profile page to link to them. 

[mysonrich]

Good morning BI, I finally have my appointment today with a grief counselor. I tried this shortly after Rich died and it went nowhere fast. It has taken a full month after my initial visit to this office to finally start the therapy. I saw the Dr. and his nurse practitioner nearly a month ago and once this week. Am I the only one that feels as if I have to jump through hoops with this? And the sense that even the professionals have no clue that I , we, are in distress?

 

 

Dee, the holidays. Last night while reading your post I thought back to last Thanksgiving. Rich was sitting right here on my couch. I snuggled up and stayed there.

 

Nice pictures everyone.

Trudi, good to see you back.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[mysonrich]

 

As my friend Joann said, I have a quirky sense of humor. This made me laugh. Hope you do too

[shorty16]

BI Friends

I went to my sisters last night and she was on facebook.  I asked Chris (my sister) to see if Brian had a facebook page and sure enough.  The facebook page was started June 20, 2008, 1 day after his death.   People are still posting on it.  The facebook page is entitled R.I.P. Brian Jackson.

There was a video attached.  I watched the video.  This is the first time since Brian's death I have seen any video of him.  I cried for hours.  My boy with his gangly arms and sense of humor was the center of the video.

Hubby and I cried together.  First time in a long time he has cried.

Thinking of all of you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Dear Col, I can only imagine the heartache at seeing an unexpected video of my Child. I can also understand the joy at knowing that your Boy is being honored by his friends in his death. He is remembered, always will be remembered. There are many facets to the gifts we receive. Blessings for the tears that rinse through your soul, and allow the sun to shine.

Okay first thing, I am laughing so hard at the Bat thing Betsy, loved it. I think we have similar humor issues. Oh when he fell down, I cackled.

Second thing; so glad that you have your appointment today, and I hope that the doc does get it. I went to a social worker therapist, no hoops to jump through, just went and she submitted my bills to my insurance which was great, and they paid some and I paid plenty but it was good. Back when I went to her right after Eri was born, we did not have insurance that went near therapy, so I paid for it out of pocket the whole time. Anyhow, I hope the hoops you jump through are worth the wait and provide you with a good spot in which to let out some of what is inside.

Holidays, yes, thanksgiving with our Kids, Halloween and all of the fall and winter favorites, hard.

Let us know of your day later,

dee

PS love the graphic tree and leaves

[briansdad]

I found this quote by Patrick Swayze's wife. How true it is.

"When the grief takes you, it's like your body is not your own. I'm just going with the flow. I know I have to go through it."

 

Good advice.

[arc4ever]

Betsy,

I feel certain counseling helps some people.  I went for several months after Adam passed.  Paul went several times (He is back in therapy at least twice a week right now).  But my honest opinion is they can't really help me, they can let me know I'm not crazy - but you folks do that for me too!  Other than that there is no fixing this, no amount of talking to a counselor is going to make ME feel better.  I hope it helps others.

I took the day off work today, hubby and I and a couple of friends are going riding on the motorcycle.  I haven't ridden in several weeks cause the weather has basically stunk! 

My husband is getting arthroscopic knee surgery tomorrow.  Wish him luck - he told the doctor's when he set the appointment "okay, if anything goes wrong, just know I'm not going to fight to come back from under the anesthesia"  Yeah, I know what he means and he is an incredbily honest open some might say blunt person.  But it is a true statement.  (Most people don't get our dark humor nor our true desire to just be done here on earth do they?)

Love to all,

Terrie (Adam's mom)

[ericasmom]

Terrie, most people don't get it, the dark side of our lives. Most people here have agreed that if their time came, they would welcome it, not fight it.

As far as therapy, it can not change our situation, but for me, it helped me find ways to give up the guilt, and the constant replay of the night Eri was hit. I also found ways to deal with my PTSD, which was pretty debilitating. It offered me a place that encouraged and allowed my outpouring of emotion, and my body and mind became used to that weekly time to release. Good luck on surgery Terrie's husband.

THe wind is blowing here, trees are losing many leaves today adn tomorrow is our parade that circles the neighborhood, kids in costumes, but the prediction is for BIG rain. Oh well, we get what we get, but boy it would be a shame if the kids could not parade.

have a good day,

dee

[shorty16]

Terri

I am praying your husbands knee surgery goes well and he is playing hop-scotch before you know it.

Colleen

[mikesmomrs]

Greg: the quote was right on target...as Dee said, most people don't know our darker side, but everyone here "gets it," and that's what makes this place so valuable to all of us...we know we can come here and say it like it is at that moment for us...

Terrie:  good luck to hubby with his knee surgery...Mike had that surgery, also, and one of the most important aspects of it was the follow up rehab...it makes the whole thing come together and work right again...

Betsy:  How about those Phillies?!?!?!   WAHOO!  Taking down the Evil Empire first time out!  Cliff Lee...what a guy!  Did you watch the game and see those two catches of his?  Unreal!  Worth watching the whole game!   I had to edit this, because I meant to tell you that I so hope the therapist works out for you.  I have had a therapist since before Mike passed, and it helps me tremendously...only see him once a month or so, now, but I don't know what I would do if I didn't know I had that outlet and support to turn to...good luck and you are in my prayers...

Dee:  I so hope the kids get to do their parade...if they can't do it outside, do they do it in the gym---that is, if you have one...Mike's older boys are coming tomorrow night to "work on their costume" and they wanted to stay over so they could go trick or treating here in our neighborhood...I know they have it here, but I don't know how many participate...this used to be a complex for those over 55, and only recently converted, so don't have many of the "younger crowd."  So, we'll see...I know they will have fun, no matter what...   I also loved reading of your walk, as I always do, you just take us right there with you with your descriptive writing...we are blessed to be witness to it. 

I know I already posted a pic of Damon here last week, but here is one of him really enjoying himself in the leaves:  

Poor little guy, he was so much looking forward to trick or treat, but he is down with the flu...don't know if it's H1N1 yet; they've run a test, and the dr said it is "reasonable to think so" although he may have said that thinking that Damon is in a day care setting, which he isn't...he stays with his other grandmother.  Sarah said he was pretty sick, and she was also beginning the course, as well.  Please keep them in your prayers, I would hate to see that little guy have to go into the hospital or anything...he's very healthy normally, so perhaps that will keep it to a minimum.  Whenever one of the kids gets sick now, I am just a basket case til they are better...

Several schools in this state have closed this week due to the flu; I guess if they have a certain percentage of kids out, they have to close.  I think it's a good thing, though, cause a lot of kids are down with it and there's no sense in spreading it even further.    

Have a good afternoon everybody...I have to go pay bills...UGH! 

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[lolynbo]

KATHY , MY DEAR FRIEND YOU MADE ME CRY......SO THOUGHTFUL AND SO SWEET OF YOU...I LOVE YOU MY FRIEND..MY ANGEL SISTER

[shellbellsmom]

Terrie wishing you hubby a speedy recovery from his knee surgery. 

Carol hoping your little Damon gets to feeling better and is able to go out and enjoy the Trick or treatin’ this Saturday. 

Kathy, thanks for stopping by my daughters memorial website and signing  her guestbook…again makes me smile.

Betsy I too am going back to see a counselor.  I went for many months right after my daughter’s death but didn’t have a good connection with the therapist and felt I could do better doing it on my own.  I have recently found that it hasn’t worked so well for me.  The last three months I have been pretty miserable and know the dark days of winter are fast approaching.  It’s time to go back…and this time I am going to make sure I find a good therapist that isn’t always looking at her watch. 

Today is a dear friend of mines daughter’s birthday.  Heather would have been 24 today had she lived.  She died from cancer 2 ½ years ago at the age of 21 (Heather’s Hope on BI).  I never knew Heather nor did my Michelle but us mothers envision the two girls just hanging out together and stirring up the place a bit.  …her mother and I became friends through a support group we attended together.  So Happy Heavenly Birthday Heather.

Just got home from a my doctor’s appointment which turned out to be a annual physical exam. (Had no idea)  I dreaded this appointment as I have been lazy and not taking good care of my health.  All my test were fine (though my weight was up….big surprise there) so I should have been ecstatic but I was a total wreck during my appointment.  It wasn’t 1 minutes into the exam when I started to cry….and I continued to cry the whole hour.  My doctor was awesome…so understanding and even cried with me.  She said I’m suppose to fix you and make you feel better…and since the death of your daughter I know I can’t.  She gave me a name of a therapist she said may help with the emotional problems….and said he is who she would go to if she needed help.  So glad she was supportive...so glad its over for the time being. 

Take Care everyone…thanks for reading this…thanks for caring, and wish we didn’t need to have to ever go here for support…but so glad there is a place (even if its online) like this.  Sue

[mikesmum]

Betsy - I start my day here and this morning - well suffice to say 'incontinence and old age' go hand in hand after watching 'Batman'.          As for 'dark humor' - believe me it saved me more than once back in the days when I worked in emergency and cancer units.....

Carol - love the pic of Damon....never stop posting those, shows Mike lives on.

Colleen - That site truly honours your boy.  The video while bringing tears and heartbreak are one of those 'finds' that validate our kids.  The pictures of Brian - I see him in you more.

Terrie - Wishing your hubby luck with the knee!

Sue - I love physicals.  They either state the obvious "you've put on a bit of weight" or "thats normal for a woman of your age"......:?

Daughter up today for the final 'baking'.  Its 27C with northerly winds.....

Take Care - Trudi

[ericasmom]

Sue, could your doctor provide you with a list of reputable names of therapists. Tell her that you want someone like her. I am so glad that you were supported in that way, hooray for your good Doc. Mine is like that as well, she also had treated Erica for about 3 years before Eri died. She has been very supportive.

I remember Heather, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEATHER< i sure wish you the most lovely heavenly day, hanging with Michelle, and maybe with my girl who is 25 years old. I do hope your Momma is feeling your love and devotion right now, the day that made her a Momma to you.

Carol, I hope that Damon gets rid of the old flu bug quickly, but two kids are out today in my room and the brother of one of my kids is out with H1N1. It is pretty much in this part of the country, going to turn out to be H1 because the CDC said that there is no other flu going around in the midwest right now. The schools generally look at the population and if 10% are absent or sick, they tend to close. Many schools have closed around the Chicagoland area, my neighbor adn best buddie had it, she teaches high school aged kids. She was pretty sick, took a week off, but not unlike other flu she has had.

I wish he could trickortreat. Love to him and hugs. Oh, tell him the photo of him is definitely a treat for these old eyes.

[ericasmom]

Tell that daughter of yours Trudi, that we are all coming to her engagement party so bake extra. Have a blast Sweetie.

peace to you

[4everjoeysmom]

Praying for the knee surgery, giving thanks that the annual physical went well and the doctor was so supportive, wishing Heather a happy 24th (SHE WAS HERE!!), hoping Trudi has a wonderful celebration weekend with her daughter, and praying more that Damon does not have the H1N1 and if so a very speedy recovery with no major incident. Wow!! Busy lives we have... Reminders that the world keeps turning...

A good day for me...worked out in the yard for about four hours, absorbing the wonderful sunshine. Hubby got back to NC after a 3-day visit in FL with his folks, but is heading out to AZ tomorrow till Tuesday. He's been super busy, just like I was when I was in the States. He's away until Nov 12th, so it's a good, quiet time for me to reflect and get myself into ministry-mode by the time he gets back. Enjoying the Twizzlers strawberry licorice I brought back, and the mini tootsie pops! I'm usually not much for sweets, but when you don't have certain things for such a long time, it's such a treat! Love to ALL!!

[lolynbo]

NOVEMBER 4TH 2007 ,EARLY HOURS WE FIND OUT YOU HAVE "SOME SORT OF BLOCKAGE"..BY NOVEMBER 6TH WE ARE TALKING TO A NEOROSURGEON, YOU HAVE A TUMOR (WE DONT ASK IF ITS TERMINAL WE KNOW YOUR GOING TO MAKE IT), NOVEMBER 10TH IM LAYING IN BED WITH YOUTALKING ABOUT " YOUR NEW HAIR CUT AND I WILL GET ONE TOO, AND ITLL BE OK" YOU ANSWER SO SOFTLY "I NO"....WE HAVE SURGERY SCHEDULED FOR NOVEMBER 29TH 2007...NOVEMBER 15TH 2007, (11 DAYS LATER) YOU AND I GET UP AND GET AROUND AND GO RUN SOME ERRANDS, ONE IS FIRST BANK & TRUST, YOU GO SIT DOWN, INSTEAD OF GIVING THE TELLERS HECK??, I GET DONE WITH MY BANKING AND TURN TO GET YOU AND YOU STAND UP. AND START SHUFFELING YOUR FEET LIKE AN OLD MAN..WE LEAVE THE BANK AND GO BY DADS WORK, AND HE TALKS TO YOU AND YOU SEEM OK TO HIM, HE TELLS ME TO CALL THE DOC WHEN I GET HOME...530, IVE TALKED TO DOCS AND THEY SAY "WELL BRING HER IN IF YOU WANT, OR WE CAN SEE HER MONDAY..." I SAY...."MY MAIN WORRY IS"...AND SHE CUTS ME OFF SHE SAYS "ITS NOT LIKE THE TUMOR IS GOING TO BURST"...830 WE ARE IN OK CITY WITH ME, DAD, KODY, BRENT AND YOUR SISTER AND CODY....THEY FINALLY CALL YOUR NAME ABOUT 10:30..I KISS YOU BUY AFTER TAKING YOU TO THE BATHROOM AND BUYING YOU A POPTART....11:30 YOUR TUMOR HAS BURST AND I NEVER HEAR YOUR VOICE AGAIN......YOU HOLD ON FOR 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS.....

I MISS YOU SO MUCH KOURTNEY LYNN, MY HEART HURTS AND WILL NEVER MEND...

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

My heart to you ......

[daveydow1]

Betsey-----Love the little tree with falling leaves! I know what your mean

about trying to find the right fit for counseling. I had gone to one for awhile.

He was the dearest person, and so nice. I kept going for a few months, and

then stopped. I believe that he did help me some, so I guess that was all I

could expect at the time----shortly after Davey died. I hope that you start

feeling as though the sessions are worthwhile soon. There are a lot of good

counselors out there, it's just so tiring to have to plod through any red tape,

and jump through hoops. Hang on, friend.

                   Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

   Oops.....sorry  :?

[shorty16]

Lorri

That story was really filled with matter-of-fact emotion and reality.  I never knew that Kourtney never spoke again after the tumor burst. - I sit and shake my head in amazement on how any of us can make it through a day.

What a story, Sad, but the truth of our lives now.

Thanks for sharing.

Colleen

[summergirl]

Lorri - tears as I read your post - oh, how the pain relives itself in our minds, the seconds, the minutes, the hours.   My heart is with you as with all others here.

Feeling quiet tonight - very unlike me - chilly out with some sprinkles but supposed to get better for the weekend. Need to get outside and do some yard work, leaves are falling like crazy and I need to keep up with them or I will be knee deep soon.

Carol, I sure hope Damon is ok and gets over his illness quickly. I know the panic you feel - every time Tavian doesn't feel well I completely over react but I cannot help it. I usually make his doctor crazy. Still trying to get him his flu shot but not avaiable yet, I call every other day to his doctor to find out when it will be there for him.

Love to all and restful sleep - talk soon. Kathy 

[ericasmom]

LOrri, I am crying at your timeline, the timeline that spells the pain and ache of your heart. It will never mend the way it was, but I promise that one day, it won't hurt this much, Promise. The missing is always going to be here, the sad too, but the ache will ease some. I know how you miss Kourtney. I do.

If you ever feel ready to read a memoir of a Momma losing her Girl, read Paula, by Isabele Allende'. She is an amazing author who so readily tells the story, the timeline of her Girl's illness and death. This story fed my soul as I wept for another, knowing that the woman that wrote this story really gets it.

 If Kourt could speak to you right now, I think that she would tell you how dearly she loves you, how proud she is of your work and your efforts, and how she will always always remember every good thing the two of you shared, too many to count. I think that she would tell you all the ways you made her smile while she was sick, and how dearly she wishes that her Forever Momma would be able to feel her peace now, and move forward with no guilt.  She would tell you thank you for watching over her dad, brother , and sis, and her baby dog. She would tell you that She will always be your DAughter.

Peace somehow,

dee

[lolynbo]

thank yal so much...im just in a dark place right now, and dont see me coming out anytime soon..time and weather are against me....

im so glad i have yal as friends...even though iv never met yal...i would feel safe in your arms as your huggin me..and feel your sincere love and pain...

i truely love all of yal..even if you didnt get to respond i know u care and understand...

dee write a damn book...you have sucha way with words...me as a none reader would so read it...please..plz do dee...i mean it...

[ericasmom]

Because of your words, I will try.

thank you

[heartbeataway]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

Because of your words, I will try.

thank you

You mean all we had to do was tell you to "write a damn book"  ........

Lorri, thank you for YOUR WORDS ..... they've managed to accomplish what the rest of us having been telling Dee for months! :?

Love you Dee!

[4everjoeysmom]

Lorri, Sometimes there aren't any words good enough............................................................................................................................................HUGZ!!!!!!!

[arc4ever]

Lorri,

Thank you for sharing such a succinct matter of fact message of events that are SO NOT NORMAL in every day day-to-day life.  I know just by reading your post that you have gone over these days and moments countless times, I can tell you have thought every bit of it thru a thousand times.  Be kind to yourself. I love you very much.  I have never loved complete "strangers" as much as I love you people.  You keep me hanging by my fingertips on the edge of the abyss.  Thank you for that.  Just to keep each other hanging and know that we are out there loving each other and caring for each other and loving the kids means so much to all of us.

Goodnight now - it is 10:46pm, I must be up at 4:00AM to take hubby to the hospital.  Must go try to rest.

I'll check in tomorrow and give you his update. (Thanks for the well wishes)

Love to all, peaceful rest and beautiful dreams are my wishes this night.

Love Terrie (Adam's mom) 

[hotrod]

Hello Everyone

I had a major flood in  my kitchen.   Walls ceiling and cabinets had to come down and the  wood dried with a dehumidifier and then rebuilt.  I left and went out of town for  4 days and have just returned.  The work is not all complete but I will stay and suffer until it is complete.

 

I am sorry I have not been able to respond but did want to say:

Terrie:  Love the new picture of Adam's handsome, smiling face.  I agree it is amazing to feel so much love for each of these children and their parents.  My heart warms as I look at each child.

 

Lori:  I hear you sadness and understand your pain.   I love seeing all the different pictures of Kourtney so please keep posting them.

 

Dee:  I agree your words are music to my ears.  They have compassion, understanding and so much humanity and wisdom.  You book would be a best seller.

 

Bonnie I am sure you are still tired and am so grateful to have participated in pinnacle day.  I also hope to attend next year.

 

Trudi  So very happy to say Mikes handsome  face back on the board,

 

Carol  Love the picture of Damon thanks. Sorry the Evil Empire won tonight

 

Claudia,Betsy, Colleen, Sue, Mary Ann , Dan, Gregg ,Sherry and Kathy:

 Thinking of you and all the angels here on BI.  Will say a prayer tonight for each of us

 

Betty Stephen's Mom

[ericasmom]

OH Bonnie, you made me laugh out loud, which is a wonderful feeling, so thank you. And I will try, I will try to start and finish something, not my strong suit.

Yep Terrie, to love strangers is an amazing reach, one that is rooted in our trust of those who also walk this road, those that 'get-it'. A bond different than that with siblings or old friends. It is this place where we can and are totally honest with one another, where we want to hear the others and we are so grateful that they hear us.

Loving you All,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

 

"But oh, for the touch of a vanished hand and the sound of a voice that is still..." Tennyson

Lorri:  I have not been on the board this evening, so I hadn't replied to your heartbreaking post...my tears are endless for the pain you feel...the memories you are reliving, that bring you to such levels of pain, my heart aches for you...and I am so very sorry that your sweet Kourt was gone from your hearing, from your touch, so soon, that you didn't get to hear her voice again.  I wish so much that I could just hold you and listen to you, let you talk, let you cry, let you scream, until weakness takes over and you are exhausted and perhaps, just perhaps, some of the pain has left...each time we break down, melt down, fall into the abyss...whatever names we give it...each time, we come away from it "healed" a little more, I think...it is in enveloping this gut-wrenching pain that we become stronger somehow...the future periods of despair don't drown us quite so deeply...even if only a microcosm of difference...there is a difference.  The pain you endured keeping watch by Kourt's bedside, will be with you forever...those holes in our heart don't heal...we just learn to live around them...and that is what we call healing for us...little by little, our minds "heal" to help us deal with those holes in our heart...our beloved children would not have it any other way. 

my heart is broken, shattered, my soul is different...and I truly understand your pain, as we all do...please know that...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

[user=15807]mikesmomrs[/user] wrote:

 

"But oh, for the touch of a vanished hand and the sound of a voice that is still..." Tennyson

my heart is broken, shattered, my soul is different...and I truly understand your pain, as we all do...please know that...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

Amen..........

[ethansmuffin]

Dear Beyond Family

I have missed all of you so very much - It is so good to read your postings again – to laugh at the funny things - Lori’s version of Marcia accident just cracked me up – I will remember that one…Wow!  How I have missed you guys.

Well I had a pretty tough time – depression…very very dark days…which I certainly do not have to explain to you, since you know what I am talking about – whenever there was a good day – I had to work on Circle of Care and some other charities where I am also involved.

Our Circle of Care group just launched this exciting project – Baby Love Project: See letter

Circle of Care is a platform for parents to find support and ways to cope and with the loss of their child/children and to learn more about the grieve process, to lend support to those new to this grieve experience and to learn how to find joy again.

What has happened to these parents has changed their lives; they will never see life the same way; they will never be the same people. As they attempt to move forward, bereaved parents realize they are survivors and have been strong enough to endure what is probably life’s harshest blow.

 

The Baby Love Project will be just one of many ways to try and bring back meaning and joy into the lives of a bereaved parent.

 

Through this project, needy Mums from our communities are given a "Baby Shower in a Box" for the first few months their new baby's life. A "Baby Shower in a Box" is essentially a baby shower in a bag.

 

Included in these bags will be second hand and if possible new baby clothes, disposable nappies booties, hats, bibs, blankets, towels, toys, teddies  and of course Vaseline, Baby powder, soap etc..

 

In Namibia, there is a huge disparity in society. On the one side of town, new mums have cupboards bulging with an abundance of baby clothes that they don't need whereas on the other side of town, needy mums give birth to children and they don't even have an outfit to put on their newborn. We would like to see an end to the horror stories of new mums taking their babies home from hospital wrapped in newspaper. If you feel you are blessed – Pay it forward!

 

Well you are all welcome to contribute – I just do not have a clue how!! But we will work on that!

 

The Princess

Well, The Princess arrived – when my younger sister and her hubby ask me to come up with a name for their baby girl – the only name I could think of was Bethany!

Simply because – if you take away the B and Y it spells Ethan and also to honour the precious and beautifull daughter of a very very dear friend of mine, who was one of the very first mother who responded to me when I could only say….”My son died”……

Bethany Leigh was born very very healthy and rose pink…..she is the most beautifull little creature currently in our family..

Well that is all the news I have time for today….will talk to all you good people soon.

I love you all

Warm greetings from Namibia

Enid (Ethansmuffin)

[heartbeataway]

Enid,

If you have an address, I would be honored to participate in, "baby shower in a box".

Not only to help the moms but also to honor Bethany and Ethan's namesake, Little Bethany.

What a heart tugging thing you did choosing the name Bethany.  What love!

She's beautiful!

Bonnie, Jason's Mom