Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

AMANDA I HAVENT FORGOT ABOUT U...THS IS MY RUFF TIME OF YR (WHICH SEEMS LIKE I JUST CAME OUT OF) BUT I WILL GET U THAT GIFT CARD ...PINKIE PROMISE

[briansdad]

This was in the wedding program.

 

[hotsauce]

Greg,  that was beautiful.  it was so great to have you angel Brian remember that way.

mary ann (hotsauce)

Brian's momdukes

[homeschoolmom]

I am having a panic attack! I walked into the classroom and as I turned from watching Akiem jump on the trampoline outside, I noticed Rohan's books on his desk and just felt like I needed to tear out of my skin so I can breathe. What is wrong with me? Almost 10 months out and I'm being flattened? Or is it that this is the first time the whole family is back here with all the daily reminders? I want my son back! God, why does this have to hurt so much?

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[daveydow1]

Carol,------Hope your eye is getting better. I agree with you about getting

bundled up & going out into the bad weather. We just have to get used

to it, and dress for it, I guess.

Sue----Nice to see you on BI again. You are right....there needs to be so

much more research for blood cancers and cancers of all kinds.(my dear dad

died in 1994 of esophageal cancer).Your Michelle is surely smiling down and so

pleased to see your volunteer work for such a good cause. Peace & comfort to you.

Dee---Great pic of ERi with her dreads. She has such a sweet 'open' face, and

serene expression. It is a comfort to think of all our angels being friends up

in heaven. We parents at BI are blessed to have had such wonderful kids....

I'm sure everyone agrees.

Greg----Yep, Brian must be looking down and so happy to see Sarah and

Brandon's friendship.

Veronica.....sweet Veronica.

     PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

                    Daveysmom,  Sherry

[mikesmum]

Shelley -  The brain knows one thing the heart hopes for another.  Seeing Rohans books just 10 months after he left would send anyone of us into an emotional meltdown.  The hurt is borne of the love for your child and the wanting him back.  It will get softer, I promise.  But there will also be days that without warning, when you think you are doing 'okay' that it without warning, will hit you again.  Know you are not alone, everyone here has a similar story and knows where you are.....Take care of yourself as best you can and hold Rohans memories tight.

Doriana May your memories of the beautiful Veronica bring you smiles today.  I love the words in the poem...so true.  I am printing them on a card to carry in my wallet....for those days when explanations escape me.

Greg Ahh love the mysterious way Brian got those two together.  A great honour to have him acknowledged on this very special day.  Hope the sunshines on you all as you attend the wedding.

Carol Glad to hear the eye is getting better.  Mike a black sheep, hard to believe with that angelic smile!  Yes Miss Jeya is taking after Mike.  When she visits here she makes straight for his guitar, strums it and smiles - have to believe he is here, she looks straight at him!

Sue Here we get it.  Its our parellel universe.  I believe we visit there and live here.  Here no one applies a time line for healing here.  There is no right or wrong way of grieving here.  There is an overwhelming feeling of warmth and support from those who know the journey.  Love to see your Shell Bell.

Colleen I remember your Shell Bell - Safe trip to Bonnie.  Are you taking the 'BEAST'!  Pls take in all you can at Pinnicles on behalf of those of us who can't make it.

Dee I remember a room in MN where there were DVD's and pictures of our kids that we had wanted to share but until then couldn't because it hurt so much to see our babies so 'alive'.  Miss Eri's picture brings together the descriptions you have given us with a visual that allows her to come to life.  The dreadies, the specs....her momma's ruby in the dust.

The rain that has been falling for the past 7 days has broken.  Sunshine is here and the dog is lying on his bed looking at me with those big brown eyes.....

Take care all - As the snow and cold of winter descends on you all in the North, I will attempt to warm you with the upcoming warmth of our Spring/Summer....

Peace out! 

[heartbeataway]

Hi guys,

I started my Pinnacle Days baking.  Last year I had a welcome bag for everyone with a baked good, a miniature jeep (Gregs idea!) a cd of Jason related music and a copy of his "Celebrating you"poem with a welcome note.  I think that was it, don't really remember.

This year, I will have baked goods but not welcome bags.  Too many to make this year.

So, I'll just have them out for anyone who might need a snack or need a quick pick me up.

Rich told me today it was good to see me baking.  He said you always baked at holidays. Yes, I always baked before happy occasions.

I baked mini loaves of banana nut bread, pear walnut muffins, cranberry orange mini bundt cakes w/ white chocolate glaze and " Cinnamon Crack" mini tube pan coffee cakes.

I still have brownies and apple walnut mini bundts to go. The house smells wonderful!

I had sad news today.  Dad was taken back to the hospital.  I haven't been given the official diagnosis yet but it sounds like terminal agitation (delirium.) Rich's Mom had the same thing in her end stage. He's getting close .......

Carol,

I'm glad the eye is doing better.  That just sounds plain yucky!  Was/is it painful?

Mike's hair cut reminded me of Jason.  He had beautiful long hair at one point.  He was driving home from work one day and he didn't have a band to hold it.  The wind was blowing and it bugged him.  He got home and cut it off!  Beautiful long strawberry blonde hair gone because of the wind .......

Trudi,

How are you doing?  We will take lots of pictures while Colleen is here.  I guess she's going to be a fashionista ...... she's told me of all the fancy smancy clothes she's bringing to keep her warm.    Rich is sick but doing better and I'm feeling okay ..... yes, I knocked on wood!

Colleen,

You know I love you!  

Shelley,

I am so sorry you had such a tough time seeing Rohans books.  It was hard for me to read about it so I can only imagine how hard it was for you to see his desk and his books.

And Love, it's been almost 29 months and I STILL WANT MY SON BACK too!  I've often said there's this ticker tape that runs through my mind, "how can he be gone, how can he be gone ...... "

You have a broken heart, you're allowed to break down, you're allowed to grieve.

Dee,

shimmering ......... perfect word! 

Greg,

What a sweet tribute to Brian ...... albeit bittersweet.

Dan,

Where have you been lately?

Well, I'm going back to the kitchen for a while before the Jayhawks football game comes on ......

Love!

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[nicksdad]

[nicksdad]

Bonnie...Sorry to hear about your dad...will keep him in our prayers..

Been busy work..neglecting the store we have etc....But, trying to get caught up with things I have to get done.

Actually just finished the flag(s) tonight. Gonna send one for my nephew also (hope that is ok)....Only took about a week to get done and about $200....haha Materials....ruined printer sheets and ruined a printer drum..Did not realize how hot those things got...But, it's all good now.

Greg..That is pretty amazing and beautiful at the same time.

[heartbeataway]

Thanks Dan, appreciate the prayers.  Your nephew is one of the kids, no problem!

$200 ?  Ouch!

I didn't know ( did I?) that you own a store.  What kind of store?  I like to shop! :?

[summergirl]

VERONICA, VERONICA, VERONICA - SAYING YOUR NAME AND REMEMBERING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ON THIS DAY - YOUR ANGELVERSARY DAY. FLY HIGH, SMILE AND SURROUND YOUR FAMILY WITH LOTS OF ENERGY.

 

No time to chat as Tavian and I are watching a movie so will catch up with all tomorrow. Know that I think of each of you every day and you are all in my prayers.

WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO HARD?????   That question is one we ask ourselves every day. Hang tight - it does get softer.

My love, peace and tranquility to all of you - Kathy

 

[veronicasmom]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I am glad I made it through this day.  Funny.  The first anniversary of her death I heard from so many people who remembered with flowers, cards, words.  This second, much much less.  What will the third bring?  Or the fourth?  Will she just be forgotten totally someday?  But I will always be here for her, always remembering and keeping her memory going.  What agony one must bear....   D.

[mikesmum]

Doriana - I guess its locked into the  thinking that by the 2nd 3rd etc we should be 'over it'.  I think those who matter in our lives remember, sometimes they aren't sure what to say for fear of our 'reaction'.   On this journey I have met many parents who have lost their children...One that hit me was an older lady who lost her son when he was 40yrs old, 20yrs before.  She spoke of him as if she had only just seen him.  She spoke of losing him as if it was yesterday.

For me, well my dad passed in Feb 1980, Mum in May 2005.  My baby brother (1yr my jnr) & I always sms on birthdays and angelversary days.  "Love ya sis" I reply "Love ya baby brother".  He lost his son in 2002 and its the same then.  No big speeches, just a knowing. 

......Veronica isn't going to be forgotten, you will always remember her and share her stories, she lives on..

 

[mikesmum]

   - Sunshine here, working with Dirt!!! Love it...

[ericasmom]

Indeed the agony Doriana. We share in that as well as in the beauty of loving so deeply. How grateful myheart for this place, this family.

Bonnie, the baking smells so good, all the way to Chicago. I sure hope I get my banner to you, but if I do not, forgive me. A pink hankerchief will suffice until next year. I am nothing but busy and walking tomorrow in the breast walk after babysitting from 12:30 to 9:00 today for my 3 week old great nephew, Maxx. It was lovely having him, but I get nervous to be sure, and I am tired.

Shelly, many of us have grown children or no other children at home and we were able to release our grief differently than you have been able to. On top of that you were living elsewhere, taking on an adoption, and returning to your home...Scream Sister, you have every reason to scream. Let it out because it does you no good to hold it in. Rohan understands. Ask your husband to take the kids out for an hour and be alone with his things. You need time with your ache and you need time withyour memories, in the quiet of the house or the forest. Alone for a bit of time every week. I wish that I could help.

Greg, that is so extremely sweet, so wonderful a story. Hooray for Brian for bringing together, two special people. Long may they run.

Sleep like a kid who has run up and down a beach all day,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Just a reminder ......

Need the flags by Thursday ...... we leave for the campground Friday morning.

So, you still have time to include your child.

Collectively, they are way more than cool!  They are representations of loss, life and love that never ends.  They say look at me, I lived and I continue to live because I'm loved.

I'm here because I can give you hope.  They are mesmerizing!

Thank you to everyone who participated. I can't wait to share them with you!

Love!

Bonnie

[nicksdad]

[user=19401]heartbeataway[/user] wrote:

Thanks Dan, appreciate the prayers.  Your nephew is one of the kids, no problem!

$200 ?  Ouch!

I didn't know ( did I?) that you own a store.  What kind of store?  I like to shop! :?

Ya $200..haha Those printer fusers are expensive...But oh well, I think I got it down pat now....

You don't want to shop at my store. It's a Computer business but usually people come because their computer is broken....   This is the business http://www.cmonova.com

 

[ericasmom]

HEY it is 33 degrees right now in a sunny sky, thankful for that sunshine, and I am getting ready for the walk against breast cancer on the lakefront.

Blessings,

dee

[heartbeataway]

Dan,

Northern Virginia?  We could have used you a few weeks ago! 

Question:

Can you recover deleted material from a hard drive?  You have to be forensic certified or something like that .......

Consider dropping by for Saturday at Pinnacle Days. You must be close .....

Barbecue around 4:00 and the band starts around 6. You can see the flag banners up close and personal.  Plus, you'll get to meet Miss Colleen! 

I just checked the weather underground this morning and it's suppose to be in the 60's during the day and so far there's only a chance of rain ...... wahoo!

What a sort of small world, eh?

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[heartbeataway]

This morning I was watching a little documentary on Amelia Earhart.  She was asked why she wanted to fly. She responded, "because I want to be free".

I think I want to learn to fly .......

[nicksdad]

Bonnie..I know if I search i'll find it but can you tell me the address to mail the flags to?

Yes if files were deleted we can recover them off a hard drive.

We would enjoy coming Saturday but still not sure about work..

[lostwoher]

Im working on the flag! Should get it finished soon and will mail it out tomorrow. :shock:

Lynn

[homeschoolmom]

Another total meltdown last evening, and it was bad. Tony finally gave me an anti-anxiety tablet and it calmed me down straight to sleep. Woke up at 2 a.m. and started working on my flag. Used a dino camouflage shirt of Rohan's, then went searching for a pic to print on there. Found a set of pics on Christmas Day 2008 where he was playing with his RC Dinosaur, Spike. Guess which shirt he had on? I left the project on the floor in my scrapbook room, and went straight back to bed. Now I'm up, kids are clamoring to go to church to see their old friends...and I want to climb under a rock and hide.

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[hotrod]

Hi Shelly

I am praying for your peace and really  understand how very hard each moment, each day, each event can be.  Please be gentle with yourself.

How touching that the shirt you picked for your precious Rohan's flag was the same as the one he was wearing in the picture you selected. 

  I am glad you are attempting to get his flag to Bonnie so he can be with all  our Angels in the celebration of his  memory and his life.

I will remember you and your family at church today.

I hope you and everyone on this site has a Blessed Day.

Betty

Stephen's Mom

 

 

[heartbeataway]

Shelly,

Hang on tight!  I promise you it will get softer.  If doing the flag banner for Rohan is too hard for you, I will make one for him so that he's represented until you're strong enough to finish the one you have.

I have to admit it sounds precious!

I have yet to be able to dig out my photo albums.  I have the pictures that were part of his memorial celebrations but I haven't ventured into any albums.  I was unpacking some things in the basement and opened a box of pictures. Jay's high school proofs were in it.

I just melted and closed the box.  I can relate and he's been gone longer than Rohan .....

Bless your sweet soul ....... I promise the pain will get softer.  The tears will never stop and the miss in your heart will stall you on the side of road at times. But, the journey goes on and after some down time we get back on track. I wish you strength.

Rohan did so much more in his short life than die.  He lived and he made a difference in your life.  Try to remember the good and smile through the tears.  Take each day a few minutes at a time if that's what you need to do. Baby steps and deep breaths .....

Love and huge hugs,

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[heartbeataway]

Hi guys,

If anyone needs my address to mail flag banners, just let me know.

If anyone can't for whatever reason send one but would like your child represented, let me know and I will do what I can to make it happen for you.  I can't promise as I don't exactly know what this week is going bring but I will try.

This is the most amazing project!  Just wait until you see them all together!  And I do want them ALL together .......

Love!

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

I looked up the definition of pinnacle this morning:

pinnacle - the highest level or degree attainable; the highest stage of development; "his landscapes were deemed the acme of beauty"; "the artist's gifts are at their acme"; "at the height of her career"; "the peak of perfection"; "summer was at its peak"; "...catapulted Einstein to the pinnacle of fame"; "the summit of his ambition"; "so many highest superlatives achieved by man"; "at the top of his profession"

I think all of our children are now "pinnacle kids" ...... what do you think?  :?

[mpsmom]

Bonnie, Positively they are all Pinnacle Kids now..... I thoroughly believe that.....

Happy, Safe, and Healthy and Eternally young...............

Have a peaceful day, I am going to learn to ride my newly acquired 'dirt bike' today, went out and bought a helmet yesterday but was just too tired to learn when we got home, didnt sleep at all Friday night.  Last night we went to a free bluegrass concert at the library amphitheatre and then I slept the rest of the night .... Having my coffee on the balony, it is 76 outside this morning, this is the weather we live in the desert for... Hugs to hold you all close in my heart.

Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[lostwoher]

Marcia, YOU GO GIRL! A dirt bike? Please be careful but have lots of fun. Im so envious of your weather. Arizona is the place to be for me. Illinois is so cold, damp and dreary. Its home so I shall stay.

Lynn 

Heading out to watch the MN Vikings. Whoop d do

[summergirl]

Shelly - how well I remember the nights of the total meltdowns and having to take the anxiety pill - I still take one - once in the morning and once in the evening, maybe someday I will get off them completely but for now I do what I have to do.  It is so hard to be strong I know, the memories and the agonizing pain can consume us and only with precious time does the pain get softer. Always in my prayers.

Trudi - digging in the dirt!!!! Just love to hear that. Cold, rainy and windy here today!!

Dee - have a great walk in that 33 degree temp !!

Tavian is driving me crazy to play with him so I need to say good by for now and give him a good smack down (that's what he calls it) as he wants his poor 52 year old mi-mi to wrestle with him - who do you think will win??  I will let you know.   hee hee

Love to all - Kathy

[summergirl]

Marcia - Tavian is so jealous that you got a dirt bike - he wants one really bad but I think he is too young yet.  Tavian said be careful and always wear your helmet.   Sure wish it were 76 degrees here and I was at the beach camping!!!  Love ya

[lolynbo]

KODY FINISHED 6TH AND SAFE...BRENT DIDNT DO AS WELL BUT HE WAS IN A NEW CAR AND GETTN THE FEEL OF IT...IT WAS SOOOOOOOOO NICE TO BE WITH HIM AND CARLEY JUST TO CHAT AND "KINDA BE LIKE I HAD KOURTNEY BACK OR A PC OF HER"....MISSING HER SO MUCH LATELY WORSE THEN EVER THIS IS THE TIME WE WOULD GET READY TO TRICKY TREAT AND SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO GO AND THEN SAID SHE DIDNT FEEL WELL AND SLEPT AT MY HOUSE WHILE WE WENT... IF I ONLY KNEW...

I WAS HAVING MY FIRST DREAM ABOUT HER THIS MORNING I WAS KISSING HER FACE AND TELLIN HER HOW MUCH WE LOVE HER, FEELING THE WHOLE TIME INSIDE SHE WAS DYING AND SHE KNEW IT, AND I WAS TALKING AND SHE STARTED TO RECITE A POEM AND WAS HAVING PROB REMEMBERING THE REST......THEN MY DAMNNNNNNNNNNNN PHONE RANG AND WOKE ME UP...I WAS SO MAD,, CUZ I HAVE BEEN WAITING ON THIS FOR SOOOOO LONG...AND I DONT HARDLY REMEMBER ANYMORE THEN I TOLD..AND DONT NO THE MEANING OF IT??????

STUPID ARSE PHONE AND XXXXXX SISTERIN LAW....

WELL GUESS I WILL GET AROUND AND GO TO MY BROTHERS FOR LUNCH, WE SKIPPED CHURCH ..I JUST COULDNT DO IT AND I HATE STARTING OFF MY SUNDAYS AND WEEK LIKE THAT..BUT...

MARCIA YOU GO GIRL...A DIRT BIKE YOUR SO BRAVE BUT GOSH THAT MAY JUST BE WHAT U NEED...BETHANY WOULD PROB PULL A KOURTNEY AND SAY  "OH I NO SHE AINT"   LOL

[ericasmom]

Lorri, give Kody a good job from me. Of course you are missing your Girl so bad, there are memories that are clearly challenging you to deal with the reality of Halloween these days. If only you had known...Lorri, what would have been different, she did not feel well but nobody could have known and knowing any earlier probably would not have changed the outcome. I know that Kourt felt totally supported by you, loved and cared for and surrounded by your Momma heart. She had to leave. I am so sorry that she had to leave. This is that time of year for you, let yourself go there. The dream was a message to you to let yourself go there, that your whole self is in this mode right now, your subconcious is also trying to work it out. Did it feel more like a visit or a dream. The part about her not remembering the poem sounds like your recognizing the strain things were on her brain. Do you remember the poem? It's okay to not remember the rest, or to remember much at all, the cool thing is that you had a dream with Kourt,, you got to see her adn touch her. Hooray.

Have fun Marcia on that bike. Yep, the walk was gorgeous, on the lakefront with thousands of people under a perfectly blue sky, 33 degrees warming by the end of the 5 miles to 50, so perfect really. Beauty and heart all the way. Bridget did it! She walked her first walk in Pat, her Momma's honor. It was a big step in each little step.

Love to all,

dee

[daveydow1]

Veronicasmom----I found that as the years go by after your child dies..

(over 6 yrs for me) I heard from fewer people. After the 2nd year...nothing.

This is from a pretty loving family. Friends were long gone. I don't think that

it is any purposeful thing that they don't call or mention our childs' death---

just that people do move on, where WE as parents never forget our child,

and never will. Your lovely Veronica knows that you love her and is in your

thoughts every minite. Keep your sweet memories of Veronica alive, and

she will always know that her mom loves her always.

           Daveysmom,  Sherry

[daveydow1]

Bonnie---Your house must be heaven with all those goodies

baking. Sounds like the plans for Pinnacle Days are moving right

along. Oh, yes......it's a great idea to keep all our angels together

in the display. Can't wait to see,  (if you have plans to photograph it).

Jason will be smiling down that day, as  will all our angels. Thanks

for all your planning, work, energy, and love.

      Sherry

[shorty16]

My BI friends

My husband's family just left.  We watched the Packers win and played 4 square.  When is the last time we did that?!?!

Shelly - I can really relate to finding our son's things after their death and it throwing us into a crying, gasping for breath, moment.  I am still finding Brian's things. 

We made a memory box 3' x 2" and 2" deep.  We find things all the time and place them on top of the box.  Next time we open the box those things go in.  Sad - but that is our memories of our boys.

Pinnacle Days - Here I come. with my bottle of sunshine.

Colleen

[shellbellsmom]

Bonnie, I tried to search old posts for what Pinnacle Days were; to find out more about the Flag banner you all are talking about.  Just wondering what its all about.

Lorri I feel your pain.  I have been waiting for "the dream" it seems like forever.  Every night I have a pen and notepad by my bed in case I get "the dream"...so I can recorder every minute of it.  That's all the new stuff I will ever get from my daughter.  A dream  with your child in it, is a gift.  I have had a few dreams with my daughter Michelle in them but not the big one everyone talks about getting that makes them feel like they were actually there with them.  Your dream with you kissing her and telling her how you loved her...how special that must have felt....and what a shame it had to be interrupted.

Has anyone here had a very vivid dream that they actually felt their child's touch, and felt it was more than just a dream?  Sorry, if this has been discussed before-

Wishing everyone a peaceful week ahead. Sue

 

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie:  referencing your "I want to be free..." comment from Amelia Erhart...yesterday, we were discussing how if Mike is "here" with us, can he be elsewhere at the same time?  Just after that discussion, to which we of course we had no answer, hubby left for an errand.   Just as he got out onto the roadway, he came up behind a truck with a license plate that read "FLYFREE"...  Oh, those signs from these kids...they are just waiting around the corner sometimes...   I am so glad that it sounds like the weather is going to be good....what with all that's going on all over as in weather extremes, I was afraid you were going to have to bring snow shovels to Pinnacle days...  I love your story about Jason's hair, sad though it was, it is a memory for you to linger over. and weave through your heart...and, yes, I agree, all of our kids are "Pinnacle kids" now...

my eye is getting better---the stinging sensation is leaving, and it is not quite as "angry" looking...hopefully in another day or two, it will be much improved. 

I had Mike's flag all ready to go and noticed that the big picture of him in the middle of the flag was sewn on crookedly.  Had to rip out the stitches and start over.  Hopefully it will turn out straight this time...I have only basted it on, will do the machine stitching later, when I am completely satisfied that it is straight. 

Shelly:  We all completely understand about your reaction to Rohan's shirt and picture...how could you not react?  I am so sorry that it has taken you down so, but I hope that you are able to come back to it and finish it so his flag will fly along with all the others...but if you just can't, then so be it...he is remembered always by all of us, as you are.    Take your time, as Dee said, take a break, breathe, walk, whatever you need to do to regroup.  And come here...we are here for you.

Cold and rainy here today...Dee, I am glad that you had good weather for your walk...yes, it must have been something, all those people, reaching out...thank you for sharing the passage in your book...I may look it up to read...

 

Lorri:  So glad that Kody did well...give him kudos...as for your dream...I am sorry that the phone interrupted it, but try to remember what you did have of it..remember her being there, talking to you...it was a gift...she is so proud of you Lorri, she is with you always, and is proud of your efforts in her name...the  Kourtney's Kloset...think of how many have been helped because of this idea of yours...As for the "If we only knew..." yes, that is a road we go down often also...all of us do, for one reason or another...the night before we took Mike to the hospital, he was shaking as he walked...his right side only...he was carrying an empty plate with a fork on it and I can still see his arm shaking and can still hear the fork rattling and idiotically wondering why...we were solely thinking it was a medication reaction...and he was such a jokester, even his dad asked me if he was putting it on to be funny...if only we knew...but, as Dee said, it was time for him to leave, plain and simple...heartbreaking, yes, endlessly so, but nonetheless, it was time for him to leave.   And, we know now that there was nothing anyone could have done...this brain tumor/cancer was not stopping for anyone or anything...Your Kourt is like the rest of our wonderful kids...pain free, happy, filled with love and basking in the best light there is...the light of their eternal life...we will be with them again...when it is our time. 

 

Marcia:  the dirt bike, the 76 degrees, oh, treasures...and I know that you are enjoying them...Bethany knows also and is so proud of you for moving forward the way that you are...your grief support group, your shoes for those who need them, and all the things that you do. 

 

Col:  I can feel your excitement...wish I could be there with you at Pinnacle days!

 

Kathy:  Sounds like Tavian is going to have a fun time with his mimi..have fun together! 

 

Doriana:  Yes, we have all experienced the "drop off" of friends and family who take the time to say something as the years pass...we are supposed to be "over it," only we aren't...we never will be...we have a hole in our lives that can never be filled...they have all gone on with theirs...not so much that they forget, as much as they don't feel the pain any longer...it isn't theirs, it's ours...

 

Sherry:  Nice to see David's smiling face and to hear from you..

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs  

[ericasmom]

No need to apologize about discussing something again, what do we love more than discussing our Kids. I have had several dreams that are visit-like adn therefore I do feel I was with ERi during those times. I feel 'high' all day after a visit dream. I get to feel her skin, hold her hand, one time I was able to have her in my lap and she was young. I felt her hair in my face, and I heard her voice. I love those dreams. Love them and believe that everyone will have one or more eventually.

I have been working on my flag, what a joy it is too. I have not however touched my homework so I will put the flag down for a bit. A quote however from a book I just finished;

Somewhere in what now felt like her distant past there had been a beautiful May morning when she had turned ten years old, and for the first time happiness and sadness, beauty and cruelty had begun to join together inside her, entwining themselves inextricably like the tendrils of a vine up the trunk of a tree. The light of the day had balanced for a few minutes just at the horizon's edge.

This book is fiction and it is titled THE ROPE WALK by Carrie Brown. I loved it, it was a lovely story of friendship and coming of age and dealing with loss. I recommend it.

Love to all of you wonderful parents

[nicksdad]

For those of you that are into reading...I am a big fan of Mitch Albom and his books. He recently published his newest book called "Have a Little Faith" you can read about it here: http://mitchalbom.com/books/node/5515

I have not gotten it yet, but I need to get it even had it marked in my iPhone to remind me of the release. I read Mitch's others and really felt good afterwards.

[heartbeataway]

Sue,

I found the last post about the flag banners.  Here it is .....

Posting one last time as a reminder and for anyone who hasn't seen it yet ....

Hi folks, I have an idea for Pinnacle Days and thought I would share it with you. I want to have a streamer of  flags that represent our children.

 I recently asked what color reminds you of your child, what symbol, etc....I was going to make flags to represent each of our children.

 With all the happenings in my life recently, I don't know that I will have time to accomplish this. I also thought that you might want to do this yourself.

 I would like to display these flags strung together as representation of our children at Pinnacle Days. Not only this year but for years to come.

 Try to keep the size to 12" x 18" with a one inch overlap or grommets at the top to string the rope through.

It could also attach with ties, etc ... your choice.

The shape is up to you they don't all need to be the same.

 The setting for Pinnacle Days is  outdoors and rustic so I will put these together on a rope string.

So, if you just cannot do this and would like your child represented, post your idea and either I or some other parent may be able to help.

I WOULD LIKE EVERY CHILD TO BE REPRESENTED!

Think of your flag as a quilt square that represents your child ......

I plan to use an article of Jay's clothing to make his. Not sure what symbol I will use yet. Maybe more than one symbol. Make sure their name or initials are on it. Perhaps the beginning and ending year. It's up to your imagination and what you carry in your heart.

I would not use clue unless it's weather proof. Sometimes it rains and the air is damp. The flags will be undercover but the damp air could have an impact. What do you think? Ideas to share? Can you do it?

Thanks! Bonnie, Jay's Mom

I've had some good questions stem from this request.  I'm going to share the answers so it will help.

The opening for the rope entry would be best on the 12" end.  I really don't care but the grouping would look better if they are uniform in size and length. You decide the shape.  Variety is the spice of life so whatever you do will be perfect!

It should probably be doubled sided or at least look finished on both sides. They don't need to be perfect!

If you do not sew but want to put something together, I will try to finish it for you. I don't want anyone left out because of an issue like that.

If you are sending one, let me know and I will PM you my address.

Pinnacle Days are the weekend of October 24th.  Just make sure it arrives by the 22nd so I have time to assemble before we leave for The Cove.

Yes, you are more than welcome to send flags for others. They will all be displayed.

I'm excited about this!  Our kids will hopefully wave at us all weekend!

[mysonrich]

Hi BI friends, weird mix of emotions the past couple days. My BIL re-married this last week and I am " happy" for him and his new bride. Its just that he was a link to my sister and i feel a sense of lose. I don;t know why, he is still here and my niece and nephew but it makes my sisters death ...boy, I don't know. Permanent isn't the right word, death always is. I guess I don;t want to lose his friendship. Sometimes I think I am selfish to think that.

 

I saw an old friend yesterday. She said that it was good that Rich died in his sleep. But, as some of you know and have probably asked yourselves, did they know at any given time? She said that some parents pray that their children die, to end suffering. I told her that my brothers son died of liver cancer and he never prayed that he die to end the suffering. He prayed to end the suffering. Why are people so freaking stupid?

 

But, as i read it seems that many on BI are having what may come close to better days lately or hopeful days. not all Lorri, just some.

 

Dee, that is a very " real" photo of Eri. No pose. Eri in her glory as herself.

 

Sue, a beautiful and well planned web-site in your daughters honor. Sorry that you are here of course . The work you have accomplished, the funds raised, what a honor in her name.

 

Carol, Marcia, I haven't ordered the urn yet but I have taken a step. I have schuled a appointment with a counselor. I was told she also lost her son. That is not good. I mean, what does one say to that. Yes, she will understand but what do I say. I felt sad and looked at the floor. Another step.

 

Shelly, one of Richs favorite books was " where the wild things are". I think I'll get the movie when it comes out . Kind of in my face lately, so many events , happenings that pull at the memories.

 

Greg, what a love story!!

 

Bonnie, I'm working on my banner.

 

Here is a picture of my sister, Christal and my daughter. Christal was born 4 days after Christmas, married at 17 and stayed married fro 25 years before her death. My daughter reminds me of her a lot of times.

 

 

[briansdad]

Hey Bonnie,

A good friend of mine flies gliders.He had a buddy of his took me up in a two seater.Then he let me fly it for a while.It was really cool with no motor noise.Wish i could do it myself just too much money for me to fly as often as I'd like.

Here is my grandaughter, she was the flower girl. Her name is Brianna after her uncle Brian. She calls herself Nana.

 

[mysonrich]

Greg, a beautiful little princess so sweet.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[summergirl]

Greg - Brianna (nana) is so adorable. Great to be able to go up there and fly huh?? A sense of peace.

Lorrie - so glad Kody did well and is safe.  I am sorry that the phone woke you from your dream but cherish the fact that you had a dream with your beautiful Kourtney!! The dream will come again. The fact that she could not remember the poem is ok, maybe she is saving the rest of it for the next dream. I pray all the time that Jessica will come to me but I know it will be in her time and on her terms, I have no control. I do however sure widh I had dreams like Dee - the actual feeling of her Eri sitting on her lap brings me to tears and yet the wonder of it lifts my heart. The day will come when we top will have that.

Carol - yes Tavian wanted to have a fun day which pretty well consisted of sword fighting and wrestling - I am exhausted !!! So happy when it was bed time, I could not move one more muscle if I had too!!!  We did have lots of laughs though.

Bonnie - my flag is packed and will be in the mail tomorrow. I am so excited about all of our Angels coming together. Can't wait to see a pic of them all together.

Yes, the years go by and people move on while our feet stay planted in the day we lost our child - oh we move forward but a part of us will forever be stuck in that day. I have gotten over the fact that people do not acknowledge Jessica as much anymore, I make sure that I mention her and if it makes them uncomfortable then OH WELL !!

Thanks for the info on the reading Dan and Dee - I am an avid reader so will check out the books you recommended.

Peace to all = Kathy

[hotrod]

 

Betsy: Loved the picture of your sister she was certainly a beautiful lady.  I  lost my sister in 2001 and understand the missing you are referring to.

 

Greg  Brianna is simply precious.  That she is named after her uncle must be very special for you.

 

Dee   Loved the quote in fact it began my thinking of when and how old I was when the "Happiness and Sadness-Beauty and Cruelty" existed within me for the first time. 

Wow I guess i could have been 10 or maybe younger. More to ponder tonight.

 

Carol I am glad your eye is recovering   

 

Bonnie:Stay well and take good care of yourself and your husband this week.  I too want so much to" fly free ".

I am looking forward to seeing all the flags together. Thank You again for starting this project .

 

Kay, Lori, Mary Ann, Dan, Shelly, Sonya, Sherry,Terrie and Colleen,   praying for each of you and hope that you all have a peaceful night. 

 

Betty

Stephen's Mom

[lolynbo]

ALL  I REMEMBER IS SHE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT A ROSE OR FLOWER...AND AS I WAS TRYING TO REMEMBER EXACTLY THE BACK OF HER BENCH SAYS "I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS ,THINK OF MY IN EVERY FLOWER THAT BLOOMS".....GOD I WISH I COULD REMEMBER....

[ericasmom]

Betsy, love the photo of Sis and your Girl. Pretty women. How did your Sis die? I have forgotten, I am sorry.

 I know what you mean about losing the sense of brother in law, as though the marriage will nudge that relationship you and he share a bit further apart...I hope not. I know that many times, people simply don't know how to best express what is in thier hearts, and we sometimes wish that would just stay quiet, but some folks just say dumb stuff. Often they don't understand how wrong what they say is...sometimes we tell them, most times we don't.

Betty,  I am sorry for the loss of your sibling.  How long ago?

Dan, I read The Five People You Meet in Heaven...have not read any others of his yet.

Colleen you little bragger, have a super-wonderful time at Pinacle Days.

And yes, Bonnie, I do believe that our Children, all of our Kids are at the Pinnacle of existance.

Love,

dee

[ericasmom]

GReg, love the tiny-dancer Briana. Uncle Bri must have loved seeing her in all of her tulle and shiny shoes.

Betsy, thanks for that, you are right, that was an unposed photo of Erica. I just love it.

Betty, I think I was also a bit younger when the blending of those attributes swirled into my memory as having both great and horrid pieces. It certainly caused me to look at the world through different lenses sometimes.

sleep well,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Greg:  Yes, a sweet little princess, and of course it is really nice that she is named after Brian...thanks for sharing.

Betsy, perhaps in trying to describe your feelings over your bil remarrying, you were feeling that it made the loss of your sister seem even more real...just one more loss that you had to associate with losing her...I am so sorry...she is really beautiful, as is your daughter...  Betty, I am sorry for the loss of your sister, also.  I think there are a couple of others here on this site who have lost a sibling...if I remember correctly, I think Kathy lost a brother 6 or 7 yrs ago...some of us have felt this sorrow of losing someone before, but I think we all agree that the loss of our child has put our lives and hearts out of kilter with the rest of the world more so than any other loss we've experienced. 

I have lost two sisters and a brother, but they all outlived our mom and dad.  It is difficult for me to associate my feelings over losing my sibs with those of my two daughters over losing their brother...Though I miss them of course, I was never close to my sibs; they were much older than me, and left home long before I was old enough to develop a relationship.  Then, I moved away when I was 19 (marrying an Air Force man will do that) and didn't return until over 20 years later...I had intermittent contact with them during that time, but nothing that ever "bloomed."  I do have a relationship with my oldest sister, who is 18 yrs older than me, and one other sister, who passed of breast cancer complications a year after Mike passed...I miss her so much-- -she was one of those relatives who "got it," and was willing to talk about it, having lost a child of her own as a small infant.  Even over 30 years later, she still felt that loss, that absence in her heart.   

I do share a lot with my youngest daughter, who lives near, and freely talks about Mike and how much she misses him, but my oldest daughter has essentially told me that I "should not be sad that Mike is gone, considering where he is."  I have told her that I am not sad for where he is, I am sad for where he isn't.   I think she has similar feelings regarding Mike's passing that I do for my sibs who have passed...she had been gone out of our house for over 20 years when Mike passed, living overseas for a while, and then in VA, so she never really developed a close relationship with him as an adult...

I mentioned in an earlier post that I noticed that Mike's picture on his flag was crooked and I had to rip out the stitches and redo it...as always, there is a reason for everything...had it all been okay, I would have sewn up the sides and top and it would have been done and packed, ready to go in the morning.  But, before I resewed the picture onto the flag, my daughter (the youngest, Cathi) sent me this picture to include on the flag..it is a group of things that she has on her dresser that she associates with Mike (the jeweled item in the middle is a fortune cookie, which represents a fortune cookie she got the first time she went into a Chinese restaurant after Mike passed (the Chinese restaurant that was his favorite of all), and in her fortune cookie was "Younger brother" for the Chinese "word of the day."  When you open this jeweled fortune cookie, there is a silver strip sitting inside, with that engraved on it.  I got it for her while shopping in Minneapolis with Trudi and Marcia.  The baseball ice cream cup is of course, from the Red Sox, and the ring is a ring Mike picked up while in Jamaica, with a picture of Bob Marley on it.  I will have to ask her what the story is behind the stuffed eagle... 

So, my flag is done!!!  I will mail it out in the morning...well, I guess it already IS morning, isn't it...

I hope everyone has a good week...thinking of you all, as always...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

 

[mysonrich]

Good morning all,

someday my inner alarm clock will get straightened out. Dreams of our children. Not that long ago I woke myself up laughing out loud. Rich was in my dream but I don;t remember what was so funny. Another time in a dream I was telling someone to give me my baby back, he/she did, and I could feel Rich in the crock of my arm as I sat/reclined. In my sleep I could really feel him. My daughter was in this dream too but all grown up. I asked her to take Rich so I could stand up. I said " I know he really isn't here but would you take him so I can stand up". daughter said, " how can I take him mom if he really isn't here"?  That's when I woke up, like now, in the early morning.

 

Carol. you are so right about the lose of siblings. I was very close to my sister not only in age, 18 months apart, but in all other manner as well. That pic is old but how I choose to remember her. "back in the day" before unlimited long distance my phone bills were through the roof.

Betty, thanks for understanding. What I feel at times is so hard to convey in words.

 

Dee, my sis entered the hospital for a procedure, came out of that sort of ok. A mild stroke but rehab ,in time, would have helped her with that. What it comes down to is e-coli. Basically someone didn't wash their hands. She was in septic shock and in 4 days gone. I took the first plane to Memphis, her last earthly home and said good by. She also lived in Princeton,IL for a couple years. DO you know where that is?

Rich and my niece are 4 months apart.

So everyone, wash your hands.

 

I saw my bil and new wife on Facebook, he looks very happy. Good! My nephew was best man and he related how God did his matchmaking. How right he is.

 

thanks for listening to be ramble. I think the only other person awake at this hour is Trudi.

 

A peaceful day all.

 

Betsy,mysonRich