Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Bonnie,

It has happened to me, yes, when something in a movie or tv show brings forth vivid memory or makes light of something very heavy to me surrounding Eri's death...yes. And your response to your husbands question makes me cry, as I remember feeling that once again, no place was home, and no place else sounded good to travel to if coming home meant to this new place, this place of grief. Often our return from a trip was part of the wonderful feeling, returning after adventure. Now is different. It will get softer Bonnie, just not right now.

Shellbells Mom, I agree with Bonnie, the Dash seems to be about the days, the life led between birth and leaving. She did a lot of loving and laughing and living in that little spate of time. I am so happy to hear the ideas and plans that are coming forth for your celebration of life. I love the idea of walking the paths of the park and resting at Shell's tree before carrying on to the field. Lovely.

Sleep well all,

dee

[mikesmum]

Sue - I first read The Dash 2 days after Mike died.  There was no way you could convince me this applied to my young son.  I had lost touch with the fact that there were 12428 days of Mikes 'Dash' that were about his life, and just one day about his dying.  Talking to those who knew Mike from any one of those days shifts the focus to the life he lived, not the day he died. 

The Arboretum pictures are perfect. As with Jasons Mountain High......serenity comes through.

 

Bonnie - Medical Emergency - its a documentary type show about the Ambulance  service and the real life critical jobs they do.  These hit me the most.  Mal has his radio at home, part of his job.  It unsettles me totally when it goes off. (thats why I'm not working).  As for the travel, I really get that. We went away in May, came back. Mike was still gone.  Not sure what I expected, but still struggle with the 'gone' part of Mikes Dash.

 

It does get softer, less raw, but it now my days rest on a bed shifting sand.  Subject to change without much warning.....a bit like the weather where you are Dee.  

 

Take Care.....keep posting or reading.....This is the one place I know where my thoughts and feelings can be expressed and supported with a genuine understanding and care beyond anything else I have experienced. Trudi

 

 

[daniellemom]

Sue,

Your plans sounds great and the pictures of the Arboretum are peaceful and Shell's tree looks very nice. My eyes are not what they use to be but are the blooms pink? I feel walking the trail and stopping at her tree is so right and will make Shell very happy. I'm also glad that you are getting excited about the plans. I feel like I'm still doing little things for Danielle when I plan something in her memory and I get excited. I feel the need to still do for Danielle just like I do for my other children. Thank you for sharing your plans. Danielle's birthday is in September and I may use some of your ideas, if you don't mind.

Sonya

[johnnysmama]

Trudi

thank you for sharing "The Dash". Our kids seemed to all fill this dash with very full lives-even in their short time.  I think it is good for US to read as there are many days where I just want time to pass so I can be with Johnny again-but after reading the dash it makes me think-I shouldnt just be putting my time in here. I am still here for a reason. I ask myself what Johnny would want my dash to be like?

 

Sue

Thank you for sharing your plans for Shell's Angel Day. It sounds very beautiful and loving-like your daughter. Remember she will be there with you wrapping you with her love. I love her note. I cried hard thinking how could that wonderful person be gone? It made me want to go get a Red Bull. You wonder when she mentioned the wings how much our kids no before they cross over? I think Johnny was preparing his leave 3-4 months in advance. Maybe they don't always consciously know when they are leaving-but sub-consciously? Who knows? Someday we will understand it all. I have a question. What are the balloon lights you are mentioning? Do they go in the balloons? Where did you get them? Your whole plan sounds wonderful and the arboretum looks beautiful.

 

Kay

[heathershope]

Hello all...I did it again, dropped out of sight.  This time it was so bad I even forgot my username and password and had to reset it.  Either because I am losing my mind or my memory.

It's been a rough few weeks.  Missing Heather as always but also my son's marriage is in major upheavel.  His wife moved out of our house with Madalyn, we still have her alot since we do alot of the babysitting, but it still hurts.  There has been so much heart ache in our family these last two years I just hate to see more.  My son Josh is having a very hard time dealing with Heathers death and it reflects in his relationship with his wife.  I hope they work it out.  It breaks my heart to see this happen. 

Also my mother-in law broke her hip and had surgery and has been in the hospital the last two weeks.  All that along with my depresiion has left me feeling like my defenses are down and I am being pummeled by a storm that I have no protection against.  I have felt very close to a breakdown but I think I am building some reserve back up now.  Just another cycle in this messed up journey.

I hope to be back and stay back this time.  I just had no energy.  I didn't leave the house for 4 days over the 4th of July, just sat here and pouted mostly.  And cried of course.  I'm sure you know the feeling of self imposed isolation.

NOticed the Dash has been in discussion.  Someone sent that to me months back and I thought it was quite beautiful.  It is a good message.  I hope to someday be able to make my dash count for something again.

Take care all.

Terri

[daveydow1]

Heartbeataway, Bonnie,

I know just what you mean. I don't watch hospital/medical/emergency

shows on t.v., but occaisionally I will come across one while surfing for

something to watch.  Last week, I had the occaision to be in the ER

with my mom who suffered a fall with a head wound and brain contusion.

She is fine now. However, it was the same hospital ER where my dear

son Davey died in  summer of  ' 03.   Lots of things kept going on in my

mind and imagination.  Luckily, my mom was only in the ER 24 hrs. for

observation and released.  It must have been very difficult for you as

you watched the medical show, and thinking about your dear son  Jason.. May

you find some measure of comfort in knowing others here have had the

same experiences with so many things that seem to make us sad.  Just

try to get enough rest, friend, and we will keep you in our prayers.

                             Daveysmom,    Sherry 

[daveydow1]

Shellbellsmom,

The arboretum, trail walk, and balloon release sounds like such a lovely

way to pay tribute to sweet Michelle. The t-shirts will be beautiful too.

 

Dee,

Yes, you and I have been here at BI a long time---5 yrs. Sometimes it seems

impossible that much time has gone by, and yet it also feels like yesterday

when it comes to the pain. It does soften, as you say----but always there.

I pray our children, and all the children of parents  here at BI  know each

other and are looking down on us.  Peace.

   Daveysmom,   Sherry 

[mamabets]

For shellsbellsmom~ How beautiful..In looking at the pictures, I feel as if I am there and walking with....That is a good thing when we try so hard to comfort each other..

We have all found our way here in different, yet so similar ways...It is quite amazing how there have been so many DIFFERENT forms of loss, but I would know all of us in a room...

That is a tribute to our angels...They have led us here to find one another...

I will sprinkle seeds in the angel garden here...Or, perhaps, plant a rose.....

I told one of my sisters the other day that I just will NEVER understand the suffering on Earth...

One day the answers will not even matter, because we will be with our angels where no answers are even needed. Nothing but PEACEFUL PARADISE~

LOVE

mamabets

heartrose.bmp

[mamabets]

For heartbeataway~ OH YES..The TV shows- And, always, as surfing like Sherry, the stretcher with the young man...ALWAYS...

I just look for awhile, collect thoughts and keep on going...When I tell you that I can "see" my Danny, I kid you not...Same hair, same stature and all...

UGH...It HURTS!!!!!

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

 

 

[briansdad]

Just got back from the Bereaved Parents of the USA national gathering.Here is a card that was on the table.How true it is.

[mikesmum]

A birth is as a promise of a life yet to live, a marriage a celebration of two lives with so much ahead, a death is the finale none of us is able to comprehend.

Greg - Could you give more info about the group you are in and how you got together. 

 

[briansdad]

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/index.htm

 

http://www.bpusastl.org/

[mikesmum]

Thanks - didn't know you were online.....must be getting late there....Trudi

[briansdad]

Met a fella from down under at the hotel.He was staying for 3 months.He worked for a mining company and was learning to fly an aircrat that they were going to use to shuttle miners to and from the mine.

[shellbellsmom]

Briansdad, The Bereaved Parents of the USA group sounds wonderful.  I wish we had a chapter near my area...and I heard our local CF is no longer active either.  These groups are a wonderful way to help us grieving parents and meet others in our same situation. Maybe next year I will be up for attending the National Gathering. 

And thanks to everyone for there kind words and encouragement for next weeks COL for my daughter.  Things are finally coming together...now time to clean my house for my company.  Below is the banner I will have on display and also the one that will lead us while on the walking trails.  I know it’s a little busy....but it’s Michelle.

Kay here is a link for the balloon lights  http://codwholesale.com/Lighting/Balloon%20Brites/balloonbrites.htm?gclid=CJvP3NeevpQCFQc_sgodGR9QUQ but I think you can find these cheaper at any party discount store.

Sonya...yes the blooms on her memorial tree are pink. Her tree is a Kwanzan Cherry.

[mikesmum]

There is a mining boom down here.  Quite a life, so many weeks on, then days off.  Flying in and out due to the isolation.....Money to be made.  Step son (21) and girl friend are looking to spend about 2yrs getting financial that way.  Ahh the young!

Case I forgot to mention it, you go a long way in providing alot to many here.  My computer, my puppy and I have alot of time on our hands.....Thanks Trudi

Sue, love the banner.  Colours & words brilliant.....Wish you strength and energies as you approach COL day.....Sure you will have that extra light you need on the day...Trudi

[johnnysmama]

Sue

The banner is perfect-Shell has to be smiling down on you. Thank you for sharing her with us.

Also, thank you for the light info. Make sure to take pics-it will be so beautiful the lights going up to Shell...

 

Greg-thanks for sharing the card-sorry to say, sooo true. What is hard for me is that it applies to family for me.

 

Take care, Kay

[johnnysmama]

Terri

Glad to see your back. We missed you. Sorry life is so rough for you right now-you think you are glad just to make it day to day without your child and then other huge life issues hit and you think how can I handle this,too? I think we do for our children we lost-they give us strength somehow...we are suffering so much without them as it is...hang in there and know we are here for you. I wish you strength and courage and peace,

Kay

[heartbeataway]

Hi Greg,

I liked the saying on the card and agree with it ....... sadly.

I bought a card for your cousin. I just need an address to mail.

The question about the lights for the balloons. The ones I found are white, non-blinking and last up to eight hours. They are called, Celebration Lights and are manufactured by Hirschberg Schultz & Co., Union, NJ

I found them at Walmart.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Thanks Greg,for ;the information about the Bereaved Parents group...and  the card is true for so many. It figures that it was said by one of the world's best; Margaret Mead. The sad fact is so many people avoid so as to never go near the idea of death.   Kay, I am so sorry it is true for your own family. It is amazing the energy people spend avoiding the grief of others, so frightened by the conversation, by the truth, by the inevitability of death. Many of these folks would realize it takes less energy to just come to us and say, " how are you?" We aren't so scary, just sad. Sue thanks for the light information, and while I would love those, my great friend Kay who lives next door, always brings the 19 balloons for our gathering and has them blown up at the store she purchases them at. I love the banner for Shell's Celebration. I think she will be in each step on that path in the lovely setting for the gathering. Terri, so good to see your pretty self here again. May the road meet your feet and feel smooth for a bit of time.

To all, my heart to you and on this day, the day Erica Eileen left 5 years ago, my thanks to you for helping me step into the day. I know Eri is sitting on my shoulder today, on Jonathan's and on her Daddy's as he struggles with cancer. She is visiting her buddies with extra hugs and she helps us face life anew. We will celebrate her life- her dash, on the 19th and like you Sue, I must get on the business of cleaning the house, but not today. Today is a day to take a long bike ride, and sit with Eri at her spot under the 3 Oak Trees.

 

Eri Eileen, my petunia, my tinkerbell, may you know always of our hearts and how we hold you so dear. Thank you Daughter, for helping me find my way on the darkest days, and for helping us all find healthy ways to honor your life. Please help us continue to find our way.

Peace to us all,

Dee

[mamabets]

For ericasmom~ I celebrate the world of our sweet Erica today...I will plant something so special in the garden, and I will look to the blue skies, knowing that the sun shines brighter because of her...

You are an inspiration to so many, Dee. I thank you for being part of my life, as I try so hard, like all of us, to journey on...

Together, our angels honor us as well.

My love and hugs to you today and every day...

LOVE

mamabets

[ericasmom]

God Bless Mamabets, I will cut some flowers now and go visit my girl; dahlias, bee balm, phlox, salvia, obedience flowers, and yarrow, oh and some snap dragons which she loved.

May you find magic in the day.

Love,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

May the spirit of Eri who lives so deep within your heart bring you comfort today and everyday.

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you .......... and your sweet Eri.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Dee - the bike ride, the flowers the oaks are the many ways you honour your daughter today and everyday, by living the life she would want.  May you find Eri in the breeze as you sit and revisit her life....

Eri - this is one special lady, sit with her, touch her face with your warmth, she truly embodies the strength many of us here lack.  Each of her posts, her words give us another dimension to allow us to continue in this journey.....better for having her here......

Trudi

[daveydow1]

Dee,

Thinking of you today, and knowing that with sweet Eri sitting on your

shoulder that you feel her love and she feels your love, now & forever.

 

 Shellbellsmom,

Beautiful banner and flowers along with all your love, for Michelle's

Celebration of Life.

                                 Daveysmom,  Sherry

 

[ericasmom]

Trudi, Bonnie adn Sherri, thank you all for your thoughts, for your care. It is so big a comfort to know that others in this world really get what these dates feel like.

I was not real weepy today, more so on the 8th. Eri gave us a beautiful day, perfect weather with blue sky and big shelf clouds. So pretty. I sat with her in the dappled light and wrote in my journal admist the breezes and bird song. I felt peaceful today, as though she once again said, Momma, I am so fine now, never should you worry about me, never. Just keep loving me and know that I am everywhere." That is what I felt she said to me today in the breeze that carressed my face, my spirit.

Trudi, thank you, it is not strength anyone here lacks, it is just a matter of time that will pass and you will see the road you have traveled knowing there is more but the big climbs are behind you. One day my friend, and I am here for you as you are for me.

Love,

Dee

[summergirl]

Hello to all - Back from our week of camping on the beach, good friends, blues skies, sunny days, campfire at night. Tavian had such a wonderful time with all the children there and was exhausted each night but managed to enjoy the campfire a few times and roast marshmallows for Smores. It was bittersweet for me, a few meltdowns but managed to get through them by taking long walks and talking to a "special friend" who was camping with us. She told me I am the only person she knows who can just look at her and she starts to cry!! But it does not chase her away, she lets me talk and get it out and that is special to me - not many friends or family allow me to do that. All in all it was a great week especially with no phones or tv's - makes you look at things differently. The only thing I missed was being able to go on this site and talk with all of you - I have missed so much in just a week so forgive me as I am trying to catch up on all the postings.

Greg - I am so sorry about your cousin's daughter - there are no words as you know.

Bonnie -  thank you for allowing me some peace with your words about Jessica leaving us quickly and peacefully - it has given me a comfort I did not have before.

Dee - My heart cries for you and your Eri - you have such an incredible way with words and wisdom beyond your years - I read your postings and "feel" every word you write - you bring such energy, light and strength to me as I am sure you do with all of us - I thank you more than I can say. It was heart wrenching to read your "account of THAT night" and especially since you say you had dreams of something happening to her. I am glad you spent time at the cemetery with her, it can be so peaceful at times and so diffacult at others. God Bless you my friend.

I have been thinking today about how I have lately been feeling "nothing", I think of Jessica and I cannot cry or smile, I seem to have no energy about anything and feel as though I am totally empty. I keep thinking about the "stages of grief" and I just do not get it - I do not feel any different today than I did 2 years, 4 months and 2 weeks ago - the shock, overwhelming pain, the denial, the anger, saddness, the total emptiness is the same today as it was that night - so what does the "stages of grief" really mean?????  Tavian is the only one who keeps me going most times and I know that I have to be so strong for him, be his mommy and give him all that Jessica can no longer do but sometimes I just get so weary.  Thanks, I needed to babble.

Tavian starts summer camp tomorrow - he is so excited, it is a good camp and they do lots of things with the children - he will go from 9 to 4 so it will keep him busy and happy and that is what counts. I have alot of pictures from camping so will post some tomorrow night.

Thinking of all of you and have decided to buy a laptop so I can take it with me when we are away so I can keep in touch with all.  God Bless all of you and talk tomorrow. Peace and Love - Kathy  

[heartbeataway]

Welcome back Kathy! I missed you!

I'm also glad that you had a friend who took the time to listen and who understands your need to express the pain that travels with you. It takes a special person with a lot of love and understanding in their heart ....... it can't be easy listening to a grieving parent. I don't mean that in a bad way. We all know that you can't understand the longevity of the grief of losing a child.... it's never ending. I've actually wondered if I will carry this grief eternally.

I remember wanting a child so badly. And when I finally became pregnant, the joy I had was always with me. After he was born, I was complete. I felt I was born to be a Mom. I still carry that deep love along with my grief ..... my grief of losing my only child and my grief of losing that joy in my life. And the grief of losing that future joy of my expanding family. I still have boxes that are labeled, "For Our Grandchildren".

It's bittersweet to read your stories of Tavian but I love reading them and I'm so glad that you have him. I remember beach camping trips with Jason .... great memories. Tavian will never forget these special times with you.

You are a wonderful Mimi to him and your daughter is resting with peace knowing that he's growing strong, confident and happy in your care.

Wow, I'm rambling ......... sorry! Welcome back!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

My old computer died recently and I now have a laptop. You will love it!

[mikesmomrs]

Hi everyone: I have not been on in a while, and so many posts have been put on, though I've read them all and my heart is with each of you through your sad moments and your triumphant moments of sweet memories. Plse know that you are all always in my thoughts and prayers, and your friendship and support sustain me, even if I am not posting.

I thank you all for your words of encouragement at my last post...it is knowing that all of you are here, always, with words of kindness and support, that keep each of us going and moving forward on this journey, even when we seem mired in the quicksand of sorrow.

Kathy, I am so happy for you that your week at the beach was so wonderful, though woven through with bittersweet tears. I am so happy that you have such a wonderful friend to lean on.

Dee, I have been thinking of you as you pass yet another milestone on this journey--and I love the way you chose to honor your sweet Eri...sitting with her, bringing her some of her favorite flowers..celebrating those things that she loved so while here, Yes, Eri was with you, as always, and surrounding you with her love, As you celebrate the day of her birth into this earthly place later this month, again she will send her sweet spirit to remind you of her happiness and freedom. Thank you, Dee, for all of your uplifting words and sweet reminders that we must remember the good things, the blessings, "...that last day I got to hold her big hands adn hear her big laugh, and hug her beautiful self...and if I fail to see and feel these gifts? Well then perhaps I would never see again, blind to all that is good." Yes, we must look for and remember each sweet thing and let them warm our souls and bury them deep in our hearts, to be pulled out and looked at again on those dark days that will always be waiting. We must allow those sweet memories to teach us to see "the good" in everything.

Sue: Such a beautiful banner for MIchelle and such wonderful plans to celebrate her birthday!! I can hear her anticipatory giggles in the wind right along with her "can you imagine my mom doing this? I mean, seriously," as she smiles with pride for her wonderful mom.

Terri: I am so very sorry that so much heartache is weaving its way through your family. I pray for strength for you,and that Heather will surround you with her special spirit to help take you to moments of peace each day.

To all, as I''ve mentioned, too many posts/days for me to even try to catch up, just please know that each of you, and your precious children, are never far from my mind and my heart.

In my last post, I apologized for my unburdening of my woes, and was reminded by many of you that I am not to worry about that...that I need.to come and share and receive strength and love when it is needed. I need strength. My reason for not posting since that last post is that very night I had to be taken to the hospital, and I have been here since. I woke up that night in such pain I thought my back was being ripped from my body...I knew almost instantly what it was, as I've had them before...it was a kidney stone. I had the kindest, sweetest ambulance attendants, and they comforted me as I totally lost it when I saw the ambulance and was instantly taken back to the day they took Mike out of the house...the day he was diagnosed with brain cancer. I don't remember much after that, until I woke up in the hospital "holding room," waiting to be brought upstairs.

Over the next couple of days, I learned why I had been having such a problem with fatigue and shortness of breath over the last couple of months---I had been attributing it to an onset of anxiety and/or a flare-up of Lupus, but it was atrial fib, which, though it can be serious, fortunately is easily treated and monitored.  On my 3rd day here, they told me that when they did the ct scan for the kidney stone, they saw a shadow on my kidney, that "may" be caused by the irritation from the stone, and I would need another test, this time with contrast. The next day, they came to my room to explain the shadow.   He said "It is a tumor. And it is cancer." I can't begin to tell you how I felt...so many, many thoughts swirled through my mind...so many questions, etc. I must confess that when I first heard the words "It is cancer," my initial reaction was to start to cry, and then my next thought was "I will get to be with Mike again, sooner than I had hoped." I know that Mike would be upset to hear that, but I think he would understand.  I do not mean that I will not try everything I can to fight whatever this turns out to be, because if I did not fight and fight hard, that would dishonor his memory and his legacy of courage and love so much...I could never do that. How could I be less brave than he was? How could I face him and have to say I took the "easy way out" of not fighting it.

Now, today, another doctor has looked at the test results and wants another test, because there is a "chance" that the tumor is actually something else, and though I would still need surgery on the kidney, I may not have to deal with cancer.

But for now, I wait for the results of this last test to hopefully settle the issue and perhaps tell me that the fight will be easier than first thought. Though I had this latest test early this morning, for some reason, the results were not available yet, and I sit here, waiting, and thinking, and praying that I am able to accept whatever my life holds for me...and make our son proud as I deal with it.

And so, I need strength.  Prayers.  Positive energy.  Hope.  Whatever you've got to give.

Thank you all, for being here, for listening, for understanding, for loving and supporting each other, including me---and for hope.  I will post an update as soon as I can after seeing the doctor, and hopefully it will begin with "YAY!"

 

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

 

[mikesmum]

Carol - What can I say?  Its funny how we tend to put ill health and fatigue down to the ongoing journey the wearies us? 

I am sending you much positive energy wrapped in prayers for a break in the scheme of things for you.......may it be a small stone playing shadow puppets on your kidney!!

To nurse Mike in his time of great need while you heart was breaking shows you are a woman of great inner strength.  I believe in my heart it is this strength and of course the energy of your wonderful son that will see you through anything that may come your way.

Remember to take care of you.........you are very much a part of the support that gives so much on this journey.......Trudi 

 

[ericasmom]

Dear Carol, how very bumpy your road has been of late. Our bodies get slammed by our grief, bu the shock and the absolute pain of losing our kids, and now your body has reacted. I hope that like Trudi so fabulously said; shadow puppets. Please keep us updated on your condition. I hope that the pain you were feeling is relieved and my prayers will surround the healing you will begin. Healing Time. Our mind/body...one cannot do without the other, so if at all possible, give up your worries for a moment and breathe deeply and visualize yourself healthy and active. Your Boy smiles on your day, each day, cheering you on as you championed him. Carol you are a strong woman, so now take the time to tend to you.

May the doctors news be good, and the sun shine on you and your family.

My heart,

Dee

[shellbellsmom]

Carol, I am sending prayers your way…and keep up the positive thoughts so you’ll have positive results.  Try to avoid thinking about the what if’s….too much,  it’ll just waste precious energy.   Take Care and get some needed rest.  I will continue praying for  healing. Sue

[messenger]

CHRIS AND JUSTINS MOM................WE LOST OUR SON AFTER A 6 YEAR BATTLE WITH CANCER............THE ANN..DATES..BIRTHDAYS...MOTHER AND FATHER DAY ETC............ARE NEVER THE SAME.....................MY HEART ACHES FOR ALL...........WHO HAVE LOST A CHILD...................PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN THRU IT AND HOPEFULLY NEVER WILL CAN NEVER..........UNDERSTAND THE PAIN WE ALL FEEL AND HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO HAVE SOMEONE...ANYONE ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT IT IS THE ANN...AND CALL..SEND A CARD...A HUG..SOMETHING TO GET US THRU THE TIME WE ARE GOING THRU

I DO SOMETHING FOR MY SON..THAT HELPS..ME I HAVE MENTIONED IT TO OTHERS AND YOU MAY..OR MAY NOT WANT TO DO IT.

I BUY A BALLOON..PUT HIS PHOTO ON IT...DATES,,,AND PHONE...LET IT GO ON A WARM WINDY DAY................THERE IS A PEACE................I GET FROM DOING THIS...AND I TELL HIM HOW MUCH I LOVE AND MISS  HIM WHEN I RELEASE THE RIBBON.....................ONE BALLOON WENT HUNDREDS OF MILES.............FROM OUR STATE THRU THE NEXT AND ALMOST TO TENN...WE LIVE IN IND..IF IT HADNT GOT STUCK IN A TREE..............WHO KNOWS!!

A YOUNG MAN AND HIS WIFE FOUND IT DEER HUNTING.AND CALLED..HE WAS ABOUT OUR SONS AGE...THAT MADE US FEEL GOOD THAT SOMEONE...ACTUALLY MADE AN EFFORT..................

MAY YOU BOTH..FEEL PEACE AND I WILL LIFT YOU UP IN MY PRAYERS...OUR SONS ANN WAS IN JUNE................KEEPING BUSY......HELPS........

GERI JAMES MOM

[heartbeataway]

Carol, Sweet Carol,

Whatever I have to give, strength, peace, comfort, prayer ....... it's all yours. If wishes could make you well, you would be.

Much love,

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[daniellemom]

Carol,

My prayers are with you and your doctors as you wait for your test results.

Sonya

[lorismom]

Dear Carol ~ Sending much love, strength, and positive energy your way. Be kind to yourself and know that your BI family cares deeply for you. Love, Patty

[briansdad]

Carol, God there are no words to explain the injustice of your situation.I pray you have the strength to handle things.

 

[heathershope]

Dee..five years seems so scary to think about but hearing your strenght and peacefulness provides some measure of hope that it truly will get better with time.  Never go away, nor would I want it too.  I never want to forget my Heather, just be able to think about her without pain all the time.

Thank you for your inspiration on your 5 year day of missing Eri.

Madalyn is crying, got to run, back again later.

 

Terri

[summergirl]

Carol - my prayers and energy are coming your way - stay as positive as you can, although I know it is "easier said then done" - you have the energy from your son who shines upon you and watches over you. This wonderful family here at BI is with you every step of the way and will be waiting as anxiously as you are for the "good news" -  that it is simply "shadow puppets playing on the kidney" (great words Trudi).  I believe all of our Angels are sending energy your way and all will be ok!!

Bonnie - thank you for your sweet post - I have missed all of you also - more than I can say. Yes, having a friend as I do who lets me talk and be who I am is amazing, we have known each other for awhile but just in the past few months have become very close, she is so sweet - has a son Brody who is 5 and Ella who is 3 and she loves me, whenever I am around she wants me and not her mom - makes you wonder what her little mind thinks?? I am so sorry that you were "meant to be a mom" and have lost your only son - I give you such credit to do what you do as I do not know what I would do without Tavian - when people tell me they don't understand how I do what I do at the age of 51 raising a 6 year old - I just look at them and say he is a blessing and the strength of my life - he is my daughter's son and now he is mine to raise and I am very blessed - weary at times but we all are. I have told people that I honestly do not know where I would be without him, what would be my reason for going on in this life if not for him??   Thanks for the advice about the laptop - I cannot wait!!

Bad day with the boss today - my hours are 8:45 to 4:15, Monday through Friday - well, Tavian's camp time is 8:45 to 4:00 so I now have to go in at 9:00 as my husband can pick him up at 4:00 as he is his own boss and can take Tavian back to the office if he needs to or come home - anyway, my boss said "your day starts at 8:45 so now you are going to be late" - I told her I have two fifteen minute breaks during the day plus my lunch hour so I will use 15 minutes of one of them" and she said "no, you now have to work from 9 to 4:30, there are other people who work here who have children and they make arrangements around their work schedule, after all this is your job" - well, needless to say I got a little angry and told her that most of the women there spent nine months pregnant and had time to make "arrangements", I however lost my daughter and am now raising a 6 year old and all of this is new too me and I am learning as I go so I don't think I am in the same position as the "other women" who work their!! - but I agreed to the change of time as it really is no big deal - I did however remind her that when she hired me I told her that Tavian comes first no matter what and she said no problem, we can work around it - funny how things change. I guess I just had to get the anger at her out of my system so thanks for listening.

I did not get a chance to get my pictures of camping printed out but I have a couple of new ones of Tavian that are so cute - this one is him when he and I had a "special night" and went out for dinner together and he wanted lobster - he is holding the claw as it is the only part he likes - too cute.

Love to all - Kathy   Again Carol - big prayers for you my friend!!!

[summergirl]

Tavian at the Ocean - his first time since Jessica left us - he loved the waves. I was so scared but thank goodness it was calm that day!!

[summergirl]

One more- Tavian holding up his "fish bait" - told me he was going to catch a shark with it!!!

Good night to all and much love and peace. Kathy

[ericasmom]

Carol, I rode my bike this morning and prayed into the wind. I rode again this evening and the sun was setting bright sherbert orange with pink edges...the moon now reaches into my office and i pray to the silver beauty for your good health, Please God adn all of the powers of good, especially our children, touch Carol with your strength and energy and make her well again.

Kathy, I did not respond to your post that I read last evening. Thank you for your kind words, I am inspired each day by Erica...keeping her light available for days when it si too dark to see. I kept losing my posts so I waited till now which gave me time to think of your question; What is it about the stages of grief?

I think that you have visited them all, you named what you have felt, gone through, and touched them all, but your question is asking, why don't you feel you have moved through them or why can't you feel anything different now? You mentioned feeling empty, without any strong emotion right now and I think that maybe that is a defense mechanism in order to have the energy for Tavian. Those strong emotions really whip us about don't they? They chew us up and while we need to acknowledge them, and allow them, I think that at times our bodies make a deal with our mind/heart and say, NO, NOT TODAY, NOT NOW, I'M TOO SPENT ALREADy.

You are raising a little beautiful boy,adn you are putting twice the energy into this little one than you ever had to because you are not only raising your beloved grandboy, you are fielding all of his worries, sadnesses, reactions, and creating as normal a life for him as you can. In the meantime, as though you don't have enough, your boss is a fool who suddenly cannot abide you the accomodations that should be yours without scrutiny...anyhow, right now while numb is not the right word, you are not feeling any particular way, jperhaps because you need all your reserves. Now I have gone through periods of time where I am not weepy, not excited about anything, not happy and yet not sad or angry. It is usually one of those times that opens into some new phase. I know that you will be fine, I can feel it in my bones. I think the only reminder I would give is to be kind to yourself, cut yourself a break once in a while.

Oh, love those photos of Tavian, especially with the tiny fish.

Heather's Mom, I know that five years is a scary thought, even though we all understand the forever-ness of our children leaving, the sound of 5, 10 years down the road just doesn't make sense. So little does some days.

I am so glad that my peaceful day is something you can look to , it is the first anniversary where I felt quite peaceful, warmed by Eri. It does get softer and it never goes away. I remember being in conflict about that too right around the 2 year mark. I was scared to let go of some of the pain...but when I was able to, I remembered more of the great days in ERi's life. Priceless.

may you all sleep like toddlers after a day at the beach.

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY and YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY AGAIN!!!!

Yes, I send out my profound thanks and love to all of you for your prayers and thoughts over these last couple of days, your positive energy, your strength, caring and your love filled my being.   No cancer.   How Sweet It Is!!!!    As the words were spoken, I could feel a flood of gratitude and relief     

I had been literally in a "holding pattern" since Monday morning, when I had completed yet another test for determining what this was.  I kept running positive thoughts through my head, but sometimes they stopped just short of reaching my heart.   I called on my inner strengths and all of the prayers and strength being sent to me.  I talked to God.  I talked to Mike.  My husband sat by my side, sending out love, but barely hiding the fear in his eyes.  Finally at 8 pm Monday, my doctor walked in and said that the test results were not in yet...they were "in dictation" somewhere, and she was very sorry, but we would have to wait until tomorrow (Tues) morning.  As the sun peeled open my eyes the next morning, I again concentrated on those positive thoughts as each minute ticked into the next one.  At last, around 7:30, my doctor walked in, with the hint of a smile on her face.  "No cancer."  As she said this, her smile spread wide and seemed to fill the room.

I felt my own smile grow, stretching down to the bottom of my heart, pushing out the fear and worry that had been seeping through my resolve of battle.  No cancer.

Thank you, my dear friends, so much, for all of your support...I am blessed. 

The details are lengthy, but to try to shorten it: there is a fairly large "complex cyst" in the kidney that needs to be monitored.  If it changes, it will likely have to be removed.  BUT, no cancer.  The kidney stone will be "blasted" next week. 

The heart problem they discovered (atrial fibrillation) is something that can be controlled with medication, and for now I don't have to have blood thinners as part of that regimen.   Had I not been finally brought down by that kidney stone, I don't know how much longer I would have continued putting down all these symptoms of "something wrong" that I had been experiencing...shortness of breath, weakness, fatigue, heart pounding (symptoms of the atrial fib), pain in my back (symptoms of the cyst and stone), etc.  I guess perhaps "someone" sent that stone to get my attention?  I've always been so generally healthy that it just didn't dawn on me that something might be wrong.  Fibro and Lupus cause a lot of pain, etc., but generally my health has held steady.    And it will be again. 

After we left the hospital, we went by Mike's marker site and sat there on his bench, next to the marker.  The late afternoon sun was warming our backs as a soft breeze blew over us, like a sense of peace filling the air.   My son, thank you so much for being with me, holding me, watching over me.  I love you, so very much. 

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs 

Kathy:  the pics of Tavian are so sweet...thank you for sharing such a beautiful joy...Mike truly love the ocean, also.  I know that Tavian will take these precious memories with him throughout his life. 

[mikesmum]

Oh yeah......yeah yeah.......

Carol - Amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Best news ever!    Have been hanging out to see your post.  I have such faith in the power of positive and  I believe you have an inner strength that allows you to find the positives after many of the things this life as tried you with.

You already know I have a strong belief that our kids are around us and I truly believe Mike was holding you as you waited.  The sun and gentle breeze his gift to you............Keep the faith!

Trudi

[messenger]

CAROL.......................I AM SO VERY VERY HAPPY FOR YOU AND KNOW...YOUR SON.............................................WAS THERE..........................WHAT A RELIEF...........TO FIND OUT ALL IS WELL~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM HAVING ULTRASOUND TOMORROW FOR 2 LUMPS UNDER LEFT ARM....I DONT FEEL IT IS ANYTHING...BUT AFTER HAVING BREAST CANCER 4 YEARS AGO.............JUST NEED TO CHECK IT OUT

I HOPE.............YOU CAN FEEL THE HUGS I AM SENDING........YOUR WAY.........MISS HEARING FROM YOU

GERI JAMES MOM

[johnnysmama]

Carol

I havent been on for a couple of days and just read about your health scare. I am so glad it worked out and will prayer for thanks for that and that you have a speedy recovery. Remember, your work here is not done as we all need you so much here.

 

Dee

I was thinking of you on Eri's angel day and didnt post. Your writing of her is so full of love and devotion. What a beautiful relationship and bond you still have with her. I will say it again, your words are such a wave of comfort to me. Thank you. Eri must be soaring with her heart full of love and pride for her wonderful mother.

 

Kathy

That tavian is a beautiful boy. Thank you for the uplifting pics. Isnt it funny how people can try to give us a rough time in life but we can survive it-we are surving far worse every minute. Stay strong and keep up the brillant work with that beautiful boy.

 

take care all,

kay

[lorismom]

Carol ~ I was so happy to read your post with the positive news that you received Tuesday morning! That is fantastic news!! Stay well my friend...........

[heathershope]

Carol...congratualtions and Hooray!!!!  Glad you can relax a liitle now.  There was a time when I would have wished for cancer to come and take me too but over the past year I recognize the foolishness of that thought. Heather would not be happy to see me give up so easily.  My son has to go for an ultrasound an Friday for a mass in hiss testicle.  They think it is a hydrocele but need to rule out cancer too. He said if it were cancer he would not treat it.  I told him he would if I had to drag him unconcious, he has a daughter to think of, just as i still have him to think of.  He said he would rather die and go be buddies with Heather and they could watch over Madalyn together.  Needless to say I am now on him like super glue about getting into some counseling for his obvious depression and unresolved feelings about Heathers death.

Cathy...sorry to say this but your boss sounds like a witch to me.  I guess people are okay giving you some latitude at first then "poof" youre just like everyone else again. They seem to forget like you said the circumstances of how you came to this place in your life.  I'm sorry. That must have hurt to hear that.

Dee...you always know the right thing to say.  You have such a calming presence.  I am scared of the passing of time and I think you hit a pocket of secrecy in me that I am afraid to give up the pain too for fear that I will be giving up Heather. If I love then surely I must be in pain every minute she is not with me.  If I don't feel pain then I don't love her enough.  Crazy but it is and intrusive thought I have had.  Pain is my way of missing her.  She would flip out if that was the legacy I assigned to her life.  I am trying to get beyond it but it is a tough one to conquer.  I know somesay her memories of life will bring me more comfort than the pain of her passing.  I can't wait for that time to arrive but at the same time I scared of it because it means the passing of more time without Heather.

Sue...Hang in there, I know things are getting tough for you.  I'm here if you need me.

Terri

[heathershope]

This is Heather with her boyfriend Ian, cousin Jaime and brother Josh singing Karoke at her "Celebration of Life" party that she wanted to throw for all her friends and family...one last hooraah.  She took a turn for the worse the next day and never popped back, she died 5 weeks later.  I remember she was exhausted this night but insisted the party go on.  I love it because you can see the happiness in her face as she is enjoying what she knows will be the last gathering of her life.  She was a very brave girl and I am so proud of her.

Terri

[daniellemom]

Carol,

I'm so very happy that your news was good. I hope you continue to on this path.

I love all the pictures!!!

Sonya