Loss of an Adult Child

[summergirl]

Hello to all - still having problems with my computer but lets me on tonight so I am very happy.

Trudi - someone telling you "you have certainly gotten yourself together quickly, I don't think I would ever get over losing a child" was cruel and uncalled for - those who do not and I hope never have to walk this journey has no concept of what our lives our like, they don't understand or comprehend the loss we suffer each and every day - I suppose because we laugh or smile that means we don't have pain, suffering, tears, flashbacks, hearts that shatter over and over again. I take pity on those kind of people. I am sorry you had to endure one person's stupidity. There is one person that I was friends with for years and about two or three months after Jessica left us I saw him and he came over to me and patted me on the back and said "hey, you look like you are doing great, good for you as this will all pass and every thing will be great!!!!" - I have not spoken to him since and just cannot find it in my heart to "forgive" what he said.  I know what you mean about having the good and the bad days - we all do. There are times with Tavian and friends that I do laugh and enjoy my life as we need too but then there are the times when nothing you do erases the pain no matter where I am or what we are doing there are just "those days" when I am lost and confused and have no idea what to do with myself or what direction to go in - so I come here to BI for strength and support.  Miss you my friend.

Sue - I so understand the "21st" as being so hard and double for you as you have the 9th to endure also - It broke my heart to read your posting of her calling "mom" - I have sometimes wondered if Jessica had time to call out Tavian's name or mine or if she just went so fast that there was no time - hard to think those thoughts but you do none the less.  You are going to be fine seeing her friends - they are such a part of her life and yours and though it is hard to see them "moving on" with their lives it is also a blessing that they can. Often times I find myself comforting Jessica's friends when we are together or tlking on the phone, it somehow gives me strength. Could you please tell me a little about the "Celebration of Life" - I think I get it but would like some more information if you don't mind.  We to did not participate in the 4th of July celebrations - Tavian did some sparklers with our neighbor's children and that made him very happy so that worked for us. You take care and hang in there my friend as I will be thinking of you all through this July.

Dee - the t-shirts are amazing and so happy for you that so many people have responded to your celebration - I will be celebrating with you in my heart.

We are leaving tomorrow for a week of camping so will take alot of pictures and talk and post some when we get home. As I am sitting here there is someone setting off fireworks and the memories are flooding back and bringing tears to my wounded heart. Jessica loved all holidays especially her birthday. I will be at the cemetery on the 21st with her friends having cake with her.

Greg - so glad you have a new job - and as you say whoo-hoo!!

Take care all of my dear friends here and keep strong - Love to all Kathy.

Oh yeah, Tavian is doing well and very excited about camping. Yesterday we took him to the ocean - first time since Jessica left us - very mixed emotions but Tavian loved it and had a great time - my little one keeps me so strong!!

Jess - going camping and so missing the fact that you won't be there with us - you loved it so much but I know sweetie that you will find a way to let me know you are around. I always cry when we get to the beach camp and it takes me a day or so to settle in with out you but I keep you forever near in my heart and walk with you every day looking for treasures. I miss you my baby and so wish that I could turn the clock in reverse. Jessica, Jessica, Jessica - I love you, mom

[ericasmom]

Happy camping Kathy, may you all have a fabulous time, and Jess will certainly be smiling on the trip. I know going to the ocean must have been bittersweet, and you should be proud that you are making such steps.

Trudi, I agree with Kathy, those kinds of words are unnecessary, though so often people simply do not hear what they have said. While we want nobody else to try walking in our shoes, they sure would benefit from watching what we maneuvere in a day, then maybe they would measure their words a bit. I have had people say similar things and I simply respond accordingly these days...One time a coworker complimented my necklace, I said oh it means beautiful daughter in chinese and the EER are Erica's initials...she interrupted and said, " leave it to you to make this a sad moment." This was 6 months after Erica died. Needless to say, when she left our school to work elsewhere, I was thrilled.

Goodnight All, sleep deeply and wake refreshed,

Dee

[briansdad]

My cousin lost his daughter last week.They are the only other ones in our extended family to have this path to walk.While at the service they played the song in Arms of an Angel. the sound of the uncontrolable sobs took me back.When I hugged my cousin and said it shouldn't have to be this way.He said to me how guilty he felt because he didn't call me to see if I needed to talk.It's funny how the mind works when it's blindsided like this.I hope I can help them through this  nightmare .

Greg

[heartbeataway]

Greg,

If anyone can help your cousin get through this, you can. You've been there and you know what the journey is like in the beginning. The song you mentioned is a beautiful song.

I'm sorry your extended family is experiencing this heartbreak. Another wounded soul has entered our ranks on this sad journey of mourning, as another soars high beginning a sacred journey with our children that we have yet to know. A journey that's a mere heart beat away ........

After 14 months, I still find myself in the middle of a crowded grocery store, looking for catsup with, "How can he be gone?" running through my mind.

Again, I'm sorry for your families loss.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[ericasmom]

My heart and thoughts to your family Greg, to have this sadness touch your group again. It brings it all right out in front again, not that it is not always there, but Ifeel when there is another loss of a young one that I know, it brings everything in sharp focus and it can be worrisome for us, I went through PTSD last summer with the death of another young person that Erica and Jon knew. I know that your cousin will need to hear that what he is traveling is familiar to hyou,

Bless you all,

dee

[wyomingsal]

Greg,

I am so sorry to hear of your cousin's loss.  It is truly a horrible journey that he and his family are beginning.  I am listening to the song "Held" right now by Natalie Grant.  The words ...."To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is apalling."   Thank the Lord that you are there in your cousin's life to help hold him during the greatest loss imaginable. 

Sal

[daveydow1]

Greg,

So very sorry to learn of your cousin's loss of his dear daughter. As others

have said---It is a miserable road to be on, but with the help of wounded

souls already on this journey, who know only too well  the many emotions

and resulting pain and sorrow, we somehow make it through days, and then

months, and years. Prayers & thoughts for all.

                                        Daveysmom, Sherry

[heartbeataway]

Greg,

Do you think it would be comforting to your cousin and his family if we sent them notes and cards?  I would be happy to.

I know how much the cards, letters and notes we received were and still continue to be a source of comfort.

Think about it and perhaps you could email the address privately to us .......

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[briansdad]

That may be a good idea. e-mail me at gklocke@charter.net

[mikesmomrs]

Greg: So sorry for the loss your cousin has experienced, the loss of his precious daughter.  Your being there for him will be a gift of love and support for him as he begins this sad journey.  Please know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

wrote this soon after Eri was killed, and as tomorrow is the 5th aniversary of her being hit by the train and the 14th being the day she died, I think of this as my first way of explaining what my life felt like;

Homeless

A relentless stream-torrent really,

of tears

salt and sting,

sounds finding thier way up

from deep soul

like animals wildly searching for a place to be,

but unable to rest-

crazy with grief.

You are gone

and so my home is missing.

And I circle and cross my own path

all traces of what was...are gone.

Sadness so full and blinding.

[daniellemom]

Greg,

So sorry to hear about your cousin's daughter. I'm sure you will be there for them. I'm glad you got a job! It will keep you busy. I hope you were able to spend sometime with Brian's daughter of the holiday?

To all,

All your messages are like you are looking into my soul. Thanks so much for being here and posting and giving me encouragement with your words and wisdom.

Sonya

[ericasmom]

Sonya,

I hope that you are well, I have not seen you in a bit and have wondered if all is okay... glad to see you're here,

peace Kiddo,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

erica'smom,

The poem is haunting ..... and beautiful....... and says it all.

You have a couple of tough days coming up. I'm sorry.

All I can do is wish you comfort and pray for strength so that your heavy heart will not become too much to bear.

I will be thinking of you!

JasonH'sMom,Bonnie

[ericasmom]

 Thanks Bonnie,

You are right, the next week will be hard, I remember the week as one that passed too quickly and yet lasted in my memory a lifetime. I knewEri would die before we were even at the hospital, having had nightmares two months prior that something horrible happened to ERi, and so when the hospital called us that fateful evening, I knew. We had no idea that she was hit by a train, no idea of what, but I felt a hand on my shoulder as we neared the hospital, a long 3 hour ride, and told my husband," Eri is going to die, they will tell us that Eri is going to die when we get there.He did not believe me and I reminded him of the nightmares that not only woke me but woke him on 3 separate occasions during late April and early May of that year. He really did not think that this was going to be that serious.

As soon as we arrived at the Trauma Center, they took us in the little room, told us she had been hit by a train while crossing in her car alone. I remember hitting the floor, as my knees adn struture just gave out...they told us what I knew, that Eri would not make it.

Anyhow, after 6 days in the Trauma Center with all of ERi's loved ones present, I got to hear stories about Erz that I had never heard, all the worry of telling a parent too much gone once the kids realized and understood that Eri would not leave this place, except with wings, and so we gathered for hours and hours, taking turns in her rooom, and when I got home 7 days later, I wondered how all the owrld looked the same and yet nothing was the same, shouldn't be the same. I wrote that poem then. It still applies though with less blinding pain, a softer kind has come in and taken residence in me. My home is inside me, I realize that she is always here, inside me, in my thoughts each day by the thousands, in my memories that I pray God tolet me remember.

Life goes on even when we do not understand why. I knew that time would lead me through a maze of sorts, and that time would never again make sense, but here we are and I can see many great things that have ooured since Eri left us, and I know she is rooting for all of those she loves...and I feel as though she helps those she never knew as well. A giving angel.

Thanks, I went on and on as I relive these steps, reminding myself the path is never what we expect.

my heart,

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  I know it was painful for you to share the hours of your learning of Eri's accident, but the faith and love you have shown us through your journey to bring you where you are now, gives each of us hope...Your plans for the 14^th sound so full of love and sharing…I know that Eri will be with all of you on that day, even more than usual, celebrating her life along with all of you.  I too am so happy so many have responded to your invites…

Your poem curled down into my soul and laid heavy in my heart...which presently is raw and so very sensitive, the least little thing sets me off...these days are not good for me...am just spiraling...trying to keep my head above water for now.  Mike's image is ever present in my eyes, in front of everything, like a milky, shadowy film I am peering through.  Many dreams lately, weird type, not visits, unfortunately, leaving me exhausted upon waking.  Although, we do still see signs, thankfully.   So much going on with the house sale (or lack of), hubby's health, my own health issues, etc.  Have not been posting much, hate to spill my troubles onto others who already have enough of their own.  But just coming here, reading, sometimes is enough, and then sometimes too much...tears seem always near the surface.   

I will be thinking of you as you go through these next days...know that you, as all here, are always in my thoughts and prayers.  

Sal, also thinking of you as you approach the 20th, holding you close in my heart as you remember your precious Joshua. 

Sue:  I read of your days with Michelle in the hospital, her cries of "Mom" in her distress, as tears spilled over my face in remembrance.  I know the pain you felt at your helplessness...we were fortunate with Mike...we did not have to hear the "Mom" cries...he did not even know that he was failing those last days...he just took it all in stride that last day he was able to get up and soon had to be put back to bed, for the last time...the fight was gone...he was just like a small child, enjoying the attention, kind of wondering why...yet still knowing that it was ending...it was a strange, but so painful for us, few days.  Your sweet daughter...I can feel your pain at reading her journal of hope for the "next" year...I love the graphics for your t-shirts.  You are in my thoughts for these next days of your journey.

Trudi: I am so sorry you had to endure your clueless associate's comments...as Kathy said, “because we laugh or smile that means we don't have pain, suffering, tears, flashbacks, hearts that shatter over and over again. I take pity on those kind of people.”  Because we are able to "put the mask on" and be what we need to be for the moment, it appears to all that we have "gotten over" our loss... and yet, if we were to go around without the "mask," we would be labeled "morose," or "not trying to move on"...etc. 

Bonnie:  Your "life" celebration of your sweet Jason sounds so beautiful...I hope things are calming down for you regarding your move and changes in direction of your life

A recent tragedy in the local news, a beautiful young 12 yr old girl, from Vermont, is no longer here with her family...a tragic, horrific loss for all of them... please keep them in your prayers for strength as they board this train of mourning the loss of their precious child...

You are all in my thoughts and prayers, each day, as we travel this journey together, offering support and care to each other.

love and peace,

carol mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

I wish I could give you a long warm hug, allow all the emotion you have welling up inside spill over and cleanse the wounded space in your soul that use to be occupied by your living, breathing Mike. My heart aches at times when I read your postings. I want to reach out and do something to make "it" better. When we all know that it may get softer AT TIMES but it will not go away or get better.

And you have the worries associated with health issues and a house to sell ... I can only pray.

I hope some of the hope and comfort that you so graciously and freely give to others returns double fold to you.

Love!

JasonH'sMom,Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

Oh my ......... you have endured so much! I read your posting and thought back to six days after our son died. It was the day after his memorial.

Those are such hard days!

Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking remembrance of your loss of Ericka.

It just hurts my heart but also makes me feel like I know you and she a little bit better.

You have endured so much and you, with your big heart, continue to reach out with your comforting words and touching memories.

Bless you!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Kathy,

You wondered in your posting if Jessica called out for you or perhaps Tavian before she left.

Your Jessica and our Jason both died of ARVD. My husband and I went in and talked to a cardiologist that we trust. He said Jay died very quickly and peacefully. Since the disease interferes with the electrical activity of the heart, there was no time to call out to anyone.

Jason was only feet away from his friends inside a motor home when he died. They have questioned themselves over and over about what they could have done different or why he didn't hit the windows or something.......

It just wasn't mean't to be different ..........

Your Jessica didn't suffer ....... please find some solace in that.

Love!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Greg - I believe your experience coupled with your natural ability to give of yourself  will be of great comfort to your cousin on his journey.  You most certainly have given so much here - your experience as the 'dad' I know has helped many (me) understand another side to this journey.

Dee -  You are right - I carry my home within me.   The poem, from the depths of a broken heart, from a shattered soul awash with the neverending tears - Eri your mum has a connection that goes well beyong the earthly bounds. 

Carol - You truly are carrying a load that needs to be set aside for a day/moment.  To give in to the tears, the memories and the loss is okay.  Just let it come. Close your eyes and know that Mike is with you.....rest with the thought of how much peace you bought him and how he wants that for you....Mike - wrap your mum in your strong arms and hold her so she may rest albeit briefly. 

I thank you all for your words of support re the 'getting over it' inicident.  There is no timeline or ettique I know to follow on this journey, so I guess I will put on my shoes and take it one step at a time. 

To all - This months sees many 'anniversaries' that will open the wound torn in your heart.  I will think of you all as you find your own way to remember and acknowledge the brilliant people you bought into this world.  They have touched many and continue to reach out across the world through you.

For me, in my heart, I believe my Mikes physical being was winding down for sometime before his spirit (energy) left.  In those last weeks there were, in hindsight a number of 'goodbyes'. 

Mike loved to make jewellry from beads.  In he weeks before he died, we spent many hours searching for special beads.  I had no idea what they were for, just seeing his enthusiasm lightened my heart.  Days before he died he gave Melissa Steven and I a string of these individually made beads with colours reflective of who he saw us to be......Mine Purple/Blues......Steven Cool Greens......Melissa Pinks/Red.......

I remember the day he died.  I spoke to Lauren, his ex partner.  She said 'I keep watching the news to see if they got it wrong, to hear them say, sorry Micheal Hendrie did not die today..sorry for any inconvience'.  I still watch for that retraction each day...

Energy, love and prayers to all on this road.........Trudi

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

You express yourself so beautifully .........

What is it that seems to be pulling so many of us further away from the softer side of this journey?

I'm glad you have the necklace........what a special gift to have, hold and use to remember the shopping experience together to find the beads.

I'm tired tonight but I did want to let you know I read your sweet posting and I feel your sadness.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Carol,

Ihope that you will feel more peace tomorrow or the next day, but I know that one day you will. I appreciate what you have said here, that it gives you hope when those of us on  this path ahead of most of you, can tell you that it gets softer. I do believe it does. I have a friend, ahead of me on this path, her boy, Josh died a year and a half before Eri. He was 18 and died his second month away at college. She has no specific sense of God or faith or spiritual beliefs, but feels as I do (and I do have faith, belief, spiritual connections) that as we go along, we find our children in the prettiest things in a day more than the saddest. The tears, the broken heart...all there for all time, but we have found with time, that our children have left so much good in thier wake, so much lovliness in our lives. The rawness begins to give way a bit, the ragged edges of the day begin to soften, and when we are able to let go of some of the absolute ache, there will be more room for the lives of our kids in us each day. I know that sounds trite, I do not mean it to be. I was afraid for quite some time to let go of some of the replaying of that day adn the days that followed, for fear that I would disrespect ERi, and lose my memories. But I found that I made more room for Eri instead. All the lovely thoughts and memories.

 Of course for me, this time of year is my automatic replay time, I know that I will revert to the sequence of events when it is July every year. I so appreciate everyone's support here as July 8th is now here. But Carol, I hope that you never feel that you are burdening any of us here with your issues, this is where your issues can come out and be supported. WE all know that our health is a concern when we have gone through high stress, so please don't keep that in, we are here for you the same way you are here for everyone.

I agree with Bonnie, May you feel the strong arms of your Son wrap around you tonight, and I pray you dream wonderfully and sweetly waking refreshed and feeling a sense of his peace.

Myheart,

dee

[ericasmom]

Bonnie Dear,

thanks for the support, you lend your heart through your words and I feel them like a warm cup of tea with honey. Soothing and healing. I know that each of us here know the lead up days, the anniversary days, the birthdays, adn we are all here to cheer each other on with each step whether those steps feel forward or not. Thanks Bonnie. You are a sweetheart.

Trudi, another Sweetie, thanks for your heart too. I am glad to  know that your home is in you too, we are then like turtles, we carry our homes with us, as we must.

I promise everyone here, that you will eventually have some smoother and more peaceful days...they come as you travel, no matter the steps forward or back it is all part of the process, a dance we never wanted to learn. Take heart knowing that you are loved every single day by a lovely child that calls you Mom/Dad. You will always be their Momma/ Daddy.

Love,

Dee

[johnnysmama]

Dearest Dee

I am thinking of you today-that fateful day. Know that you are loved here and always cared for. I have been struggling lately with the fear of trying to live again and the fear this brings that I will "lose" Johnny. Your writing really touched me. When you said that the raw pain gives in to them filling us up-I can wrap myself around that. So on days when the pain isnt as raw i am actually allowing myself a closer connection to Johnny, right? It Has been almost 16 months but it is like yesterday, right? I often wonder how that can be.

 

Bonnie-your ketchup reference touched me-it is sooo strange how mundane things can take over our heart and shatter it-there is just no way to predict it is there? I wonder when I will ever be able to wrap myself around the fact that Johnny is gone forever-forever...

 

This journey is often so lonely isn't it?

 

Greg-bless your cousin.I wish I would have had such an understanding, loving person around me like you at the beginning. You will be a great comfort to your whole family-just take time for you to reflect...

 

Love all you guys

Kay

[daniellemom]

Carol,

My prayers are with you and please don't feel like you are unloading on us. We care!!!! Give yourself a day off to as much as you can and be for an hour/ 2 hours/ just be with your memories your sad heart give yourself permission to hurt! You mean so much to me and your post are always so giving to me and you are so concerned about all of us. Just thank you are posting and sharing your stories with us. Good luck on the sale of your house and your health issues.

Dee,

You are such a dear always giving so much of your self to all of us here. My the coming days find you closer to Erica's memories. I love the t-shirts. May all your plans workout wonderful.

Sonya

[daniellemom]

Kay,

I'm so with you that this journey is so lonely, but I'm also glad that you are walking with me showing me the way. Helping me each day! Thank you!

Sonya

[heartbeataway]

Kay,

Thinking of you today ......

I will give you my strength if it would help make the day easier for you.

Yes, you hit the nail on the head when you said that this can be a lonely journey.

I have felt incredibly like the mom who lost her only child lately ...... it's been in my face, harshly battering my mind, invading my sleep and spending every waking moment with me.

I have no energy to live the life that was left to live. I think it went with our son to that place that I seem to be eternally searching for. I just want to stand by the entrance and watch, listen for his laughter, catch a glimpse of his smile.

If only our fantasies could be reality for a few moments of time. Would it make this journey easier or would it be more difficult to get back on the treadmill that seems to perpetually bypass that healing place we are so desperately trying to get too?

I already know that today is not going to an easy day. I feel like Carol mentioned in a recent posting. My feelings are very close to the surface.

I'm missing our boy ............ we are all missing our children.

Some days I feel like I carry the weight of all of our beloved but lost children on my shoulders. That's the heaviness of this journey. And maybe

we do carry each other when the loss becomes too great a burden to carry alone. I think we do ....... I'm grateful that I have you guys to lean on when my heart is heavy. This is such a hard, endless journey.........

Jason, Love, Mom misses you. I've missed the sound of your voice so much lately. Dad mentioned how much he misses your positive spend on life. How can you be gone?

[ericasmom]

How indeed Bonnie, can a bright and shining Son just be gone? I was just about at the 2 year mark when I fell apart...I sat before the sun rose one summer morning adn listened to Neil Young, and when he sang, " I want to see you dance again, because I'm so in love with you, on this harvest moon...." I screamed, I remember hearing me scream...and then the song that has always made me cry, " Sugar Mountain...you can't be 20 on sugar mountain..." Well, ERi never got to be 20, perhaps she is on Sugar Mountain. And then of course, the song that sings," Long may you run, long may you run..." I screamed and wept for hours. I was hoarse and exhausted, I was beaten down by my grief. I just sat in my sweat and tears for hours. When I finally looked around me, and I had played that CD 5 times, I got up and went to the cemetery. I sat there in my folding chair and tried to make sense of this whole time. I realized that no sense can be made. She was not supposed toleave early. But that little voice comes to me, whispers..." then why did she?" Somehow she left early for reasons I do not get to know right now, I just have a belief that she had to. Part of me wondered if her life was going to take a turn that would have been horrible for her, and so this leaving was better for her in the long run. I know that sounds crazy, but I do wonder that. But what I know is this. We don't get to know why, and so to keep wondering about it wastes my energy that I do feel compelled to use in good ways each day. I do feel her expectation to continue doing what I love; teach kids, take long bike rides, long power walks, be alone, write stories and poetry, and so on. I know that it is different now, but it is still important to me, and it is vital to being healthy, physical and emotional outlets for my ache and my joy.

Kay thanks for your words, yes, I agree wholly, that this path is lonely. I agree with Sonya and you and probably all of us, that we walk it with each other nearby. But it is a singular walk as well, nobody is in your same shoes. If I could carry any of you on my back, (chiropracter wouldn't like that), I would. Carry you over the slippery places that make us slip back into the deep adn dark places where we let noone in. I would take you by the hand and lead you to higher ground to save you from the swirling tides that threaten each day to pull you under...but I cannot do that, just as nobody could do that for me...only let me know that it was a' normal' occurance when grieving. WE can only be here for the holding and loving. I love and hold you all.

Dee

[ericasmom]

Oh, I forgot to add that yes, it is the path that you carve, the one that you find your way on, that allows you to live your life again. This place helped me immensly, and I took that support with me as I traversed the new terrain. I would say Kay, that you are right. That giving up some of the acute edges of memory, the sad memories, allows the joyful ones, the real spirit of your boy to fill in the cracks and fishers of your heart. Will the pain ever subside? Not like before we ever lost our kids, no. But I do think you will begin to live your life with a reshaped heart and a purpose again. I do believe we are all capable of finding in our new lives, things and activities that make sense of our time and energy. They may be some of what you used to do, and they may be brand new. Either way, your baby is watching and smiling the most beautific smiles when you do take those steps. We all take them at different times, so never hold yourself to some idea of when you should be ready or when you should do anything ever again. WE all know that time tables do not make sense that they are not to be believed. We grieve as we go along, and we make gains wheere and when we can. It is when we notice ourselves feeling like we had a good day, that we realize the work we have put into living a full life again. Grief is exhausting, so don't forget to eat protein and drink a lot of water and juice. Take a vitamin or two each day. Remember too, that there will always be people that say stupid-ass things like we heard about here. Understand that some people have so little ability to comprehend grief, they are not very evolved. It is their problem, not ours. Sometimes we simply have to shake our heads and walk away.

I am off to the cemetery now, with my folding chair, my journal, my tablet and kleenex. I take you with me each of you, and I pray for us all.

Thanks for your support Everyone,

Dee

[lorismom]

Dear Dee ~ I, too, am thinking of you today and your beautiful Eri. I always find comfort and strength in your special way of expressing yourself. Your words help not only those just beginning this journey, but also those of us who are a little further along on this road. I hope that as you visit Eri at the cemetery today, you feel her warm presence. Love, Patty

[daniellemom]

Dee,

I hope your visit was nice and refreshing. In your post that you would like to hold our hands and take us to higher grounds, you do that you are showing us by going before us giving you great advise. I feel you holding my hand and showing me the way. How is your son doing with his Dad? Thinking of you while you visit Erica!

Sonya

[daveydow1]

Dee,

I'm so sorry for you today, sweet Eri's angel day. Your poem "Homeless"

expresses how all of us felt, and still feel. The words describes perfectly

how one seems to go around in circles, searching...searching for  our

child, and the normalcy we once knew. The stark reality of it all then hits

over & over. I pray that when you go to dear Eri's gravesite, that you will

feel her everlasting love come shining through, and your love for her will

lift up heavenward to meet her.  Peace be with you.

                                     Daveysmom,    Sherry   

[ericasmom]

thanks for your sweet words Sonya, Sherri, and Patty. I did spend several hours at the cemetery today, parked mychair in the dappled sunlight, 3 big oaks rest right next to her marker. I wrote and drew pictures, took photos, read some of a book, and even felll asleep for 10 minutes with my girl. It was hot and breezy out, and I felt ERi was sitting with me for a time, guiding my pen across the page. I basically retold the story of this day 5 years ago, and in it said that even in the face of tragedy, there are gifts to be found...that last phone call with her a half hour before she was hit was a gift that surprise visit on the 6th of July was a gift, and the photo I took of her that day, that last day I got to hold her big hands adn hear her big laugh, and hug her beautiful self...and if I fail to see and feel these gifts? Well then perhaps I would never see again, blind to all that is good.

I think it was you Trudi, and forgive me if I am wrong, that said  inhindsight, you felt there were goodbyes in place for a while, that your Son made his most special women beaded necklaces. He picked out the perfect beads for you each, what a great gift.

Patty, what part of Georgia are you from? How long have you been traveling this route?

Peace and appreciation to you all,

Dee

[mamabets]

For ericasmom~ I think we all often wonder, that as "time" passes along this journey, does it get a bit softer??

It does, and I find that while we continue to get slammed, Dee, we DO find ourselves going to a deeper, more unimaginable place where our angels live on...We can feel a deeper sort of connection, with each day that passes.

It is a level of such incredible peace, joy and beauty...We clearly know that they are here, there and everywhere with us, and that our reunion with them one day again have no words to even begin to describe here on Earth...

I bless you and shower you with love and more love, each and every minute of each and every hour of each and every day....

This speaks to ALL, as we celebrate Eri, for all eternity~ A constant celebration of all of our babies.....

LOVE

mamabets

[lorismom]

Dear Dee ~

I'm glad that for a little while yesterday at the cemetery that you felt that Eri was sitting with you. Your daughter was really blessed to have such a dear mom.

I have been on this road a little over 4 years. I lost Lori in a car accident on May 3, 2004. She was 34 years old and my only child.

My husband and I live in a log cabin in the beautiful mountains of Georgia in the northeastern part of the state. We have only lived here 3 years. We had lived in Vermont most of our lives, but 7 years ago, my husband who was an airline pilot, had a job transfer to Florida so we bought some land and built a home in the panhandle. Lori also moved to Florida at the same time and lived and worked nearby. It was a wonderful and exciting time for us. Then 3 years later, our lives got turned upside down when we lost Lori. Her accident happened only a few miles from our house. So we ended up selling our place in Florida and moving away from the sad memories. My husband is now retired and gradually things are calming down a bit. It was quite a rollercoaster of emotions especially during the 2nd year.

Dee, you always give great advice about taking care of ourselves through nutrition, vitamins, drinking lots of water, getting fresh air and exercise, etc. It really is important to take good care of ourselves as grieving from the loss of a child takes so much out of us.

Love,

Patty

[shellbellsmom]

I just spent the last few days scanning every photograph of my daughter...and then put them into a scrapbook for her Celebration of Life I am having on the 20th.  I also decided to forgo the video montage for the time being (not enough time) and do one of those online photobooks (shutterfly).  While I was doing these I was surprised how emotionless I really was.  I think my defense mechanism was working on overdrive. Anyways…I finally completed the book…all 45 pages of it, but still only a glimpse of her life here on earth.  Then I got to the last page…and totally lost it.   I think I cried for at least an hour…a full fledge blubber fest.  Once it hit me…that was it, her book has ended I couldn’t even move.  I just froze in time…unable to think and could barely breathe.  I wasn’t expecting this.  She was really dead.  I think sometimes I pretend she is just away at college.  

I am now getting ready for the COF and totally stressed about it.  I want it to be special with memories, pictures, and stories about her life.  I asked my niece who was very close to her to write a poem or memory of her as she just has that special way with words.  She just emailed me…”I started to…and I just can’t, it’s too depressing”.  That just crushed me.  Not that she can’t do it…I know how she feels, but that maybe others will not want to share either because of how hard it will be.  I am so afraid this will just be the ordinary summer picnic with food and music.  

Would anyone like to share with me what you did on your angel day celebrations that you felt made it extra special.  I am planning on doing the balloon launch and would like to have a moment of silence first and then let the balloons go up to a special song.  But I can’t think of what song….any suggestions?  I know I am obsessing about this day…but there will never be another special day in her honor/memory.  No bridal or baby shower or wedding…this is it, so I want to make her proud even if it’s only in spirit.  I would appreciate any suggestions….you all know how special this day is to us and how we want our precious children to be remembered again.  Thanks Sue

[shellbellsmom]

I just want to share one more thing....Today is the one year anniversary of the last day we communicated with our precious Michelle  before she went into a coma…never to come out alive.  Below is a scratched out note she wrote to us…she actually couldn’t speak much with the oxygen vents on…she was having a difficult time breathing and was exhausted... and she also knew how tired her father was...he hadn't slept in days.  She was told (as we were) she would be out for 2 days...this was on a Monday and then scheduled for chemo on Wednesday..they wanted to rest her body some. 

Her words..."So I am out all day   then out tomorrow   then chemo?  Can my body handle that  already exhausted.  Then still retaining her humor she wrote to her father, " try Red Bull it will give you wings"  Seriously (her last communication....and her favorite word.

I just wanted to share this....I am so sad today, just can't shake it today.  Sue

[ericasmom]

Mamabetts and Patty, we three have been traveling this road a bit longer than some, oh and Sherri too, in fact Sherri you perhaps the longest of those that post, one month longer than me. Anyhow, I do feel that life does get softer as time goes but also as we work toward living as fully as we are able.

Sue, this day means huge things to you, both precious, as seen in the note you so generously shared withus, and deeply tragic. This being the last day you got to speak and communicate with Shell. I know the ache that exists in days that pull so much forward for us. The 6th of July was my last time with ERi before she was hit. It was a day I needed to spend as I did, mourning and looking at photos, reading the messages from her buddies that they wrote over the 6 days in the hospital. Overwhelming, adn nothing more sad...I am so sorry for your broken heart, so sorry.

I really do not think that the celebration will be like an ordinary day in the yard, I think that people will come ready to share where their lives are now, and how Shell inspired them in thier lives, choices, and how she is present in thier lives today. It will be emotional and I am sure it will be fitting for a girl so well loved.

We do the launch as well but I always speak to the group before hand, we play Bob Marly as I address the group, we sing along, I give voice to my hopes and my prayers for everyone there, and ask if anyone would like to add to that...sometimes I read a poem if I am able, and we launch. The ribbons are pink attached to 19 pink balloons, one white for eternal peace. I was thinking about purchasing another group of balloons for people to send up for other loved ones too, unsure at this time. We have the t-shirts and we will have a pink decorated collection box for people to give to the Erica Reith Fund if they so choose. Last year we raised over 1000.00 dollars and that fund supports children from the school I teach. It is where Jon and ERi attended as little ones.

In many ways, I am glad that you gave yourself the space to 'fall apart' today. It was necessary and cleansing. It is not a sign of weakness Sue, it is simply a response to heartache. I know you feel you are obsessing, we want so badly to do our children proud, but I know she is proud of you in all you do through this impossibly sad time.

I will think of you and give over as much energy as I can in your direction. WE will have our Eri-Fest the day before your Shell-Day.

May you be guided by your instinct, your heart, and your daughter's love.

Dee

[daniellemom]

Sue

My prayers will be with you as you have COF for Shelly I do not have any advise because I have not hit that mark yet. Dee has such wisdom for you. I only wanted you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you on this day!

Sonya

[heartbeataway]

Sue,

The note was precious ....... will give you wings ...... in other words, will give you a lift .........

We will have the second celebration of Jason's life the weekend of Oct. 25th. We do it on his birthday.

We will have a t-shirt done and we plan to have a pig roast and a local band. One of the members is a friend of Jay's.

This is a weekend event with the big day being Saturday.

Friday night we will have a balloon launch and simple fireworks over the lake. I found these tiny little lights that will fit in the balloons ....... I hope it's as pretty as I envision it being.

Saturday we will journey up the mountain to The Pinnacle where his ashes are spread. There was a banner on the pavilion where everyone gathered after his memorial that read, Celebration of the Life of Jason. We will unroll it and everyone will gather behind it for a picture.

We write messages on rocks and leave them for him at his marker.

Once down from the mountain, we will have barbecue and then the music.

Last year it rained and was dreary ........ but we still had a good time.

I have a picture of Jason that I bring and display. We are doing this as a fundraiser for Sudden Cardiac Death.

One thing popped into my mind when I read the note that she wrote, what about a Red Bull toast to her?

Also, if one person is willing to share a story about her or toast to her it will prompt others to do the same thing.

When we went to the Pinnacle, my husband and I usually took that time to thank everyone and then I read some words from a book. I think it was something from Elizabeth Edwards book.

Try not to fret too much about the day. Whatever you do, will be perfect!

You're celebrating your girl and the fact that she did so much more than die.........

Looking forward to hearing about the amazing day you're going to have. Make sure you take lots of pictures to share with us.

Warm thoughts,

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, so beautifully put; celebrating your girl, she did so much more than die.

Absolutely.

God's love,

dee

[mikesmum]

When Mike died his partner chose a celebrant that was shall we say just a little off centre.  She wanted to know how long Mike was sick before he died in hospital.  (Mike wasn't sick so to speak so he hadn't been in hospital he died at home).  This woman wanted to read The Dash at his service.  Her reading was quite morose.  Monotone with little emotion.  I hated it.  It wasn't Mike.

Yet with Mikes birthday as with the day he got 'wings' I can't help but revisit the words.  I guess I really don't want to define Mikes life by that one day that saw his physical being left.  I want to celebrate each day  between 4 June 1975 - 18 Jan 2007.

Mike is the sum of many things, none of which should be limited to that last day.

I celebrate his birthday by sending him balloons with messages. I talk with family and the only 'rule' as such is to remember the good and yes the bad.  I sit and have a quite coffee overlooking the landscape from the top of the mountains.....my thoughts my memories and tears bring him closer.  I write I read and try to gain some insight into where his energy may have taken him.  On the day he left I spend my time alone.  I really can't explain it.  I guess I find it easier (?) than to deal with anyone elses expectations on that day.

For Sue, Bonnie, Kathy and all those coming into the birthday, angel day times of your life........we all know nothing will make these days easier....well one thing but as time goes by I am not sure that will happen.....Just remember the child, the teenager, the adult.  Remember what they meant to each one of you and take it from there. 

Thinking of you all......Trudi

[mikesmum]

http://www.dashpoemmovie.com/

I hope this can be viewed.  I was looking for the words to The Dash and found this.  The scenery made me think of Jason, a man who now rests a top of the mountains.  Of Jessica whose brilliant energy fills the sky over the ocean with such colour.  Of Eri a free spirit touching the earth with her light from dawns early light.  Of all our children who mean so much to each of us.

The words, the music all background to the amazing young lives celebrated and so sadly missed each minute of each day.

My heart is broken my life is suspended in a timeless space.  I see that smile, those brown eyes and remember how much you gave me my son my son. Fly high and free   Love you Mike......

[ericasmom]

Trudi,

I love The Dash, had never heard it before and feel so glad to see it. Thanks so much. It is what I have written about for five years to all of ERi's friends, (monthly letters for the first 2.5 years and less so since), that the life that Eri enjoyed and struggled through is the spirit of our girl, not her leaving.

I did feel however, that the tiny 'dash' of time between her being hit, and her death were incredibly holy to me. At first I felt that the best of ERz, the essence of her was gone when the Amtrak hit her, but those 6 days were another jpiece of ERi's spirit; she waited for all of her Buddies to travel to find her, to say goodbye, she waited so that they would not have to imagine how she looked, she waited so that they could gather together and connect in ways that they never would have if she simply came home for her funeral. I do believe that magic filled that space in the /Trauma Unit those six days, forging deeper connections and zest for life than possible prior. I think many of ERi's friends would have pictured her as one would think when hearing her car was slammed by a train...but in fact she looked beautiful, the damage was deadly but her peace shone all around her, and her face other than the stitches above one eyebrow, was perfectly Erica. She gave her friends and family time to say goodbye, time to find solace in one another, and time to see teh amazing devotion from the hospital staff. I am deeply touched by the time. Blessed.

A huge cloud, black adn angry floats above us now, and I am going to the basement as a menacing storm comes. ERi loved this kind of excitement, she is laughing at eh wind.

Love

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

Thanks for sharing The Dash. Someone sent this to me not long after Jason died. I shared it with a few others.

One of Jason's friends died four months after he did. He was allergic to bees and was stung. He didn't get help in time and didn't have his epi pen with him.

My nephew who was one of the folks I sent this to, read it at Justin's funeral.

My sister did a memorial calendar page for Jason and put The Dash on the back of it.

It's a powerful reminder .......... it was good to see it again.

Thank you!

[daveydow1]

Trudi,

Thank you for sending "THE Dash".  I had not heard it before, and the

scenery in the video, along with the words are so beautiful. It would be

a nice reading at a funeral for anyone of any age, providing that the

person reading had the right voice, emotion, and composure to make it

meaningful.  Peace to all here at BI.

                                     Daveysmom,   Sherry 

[lorismom]

Trudi ~ As Sherry has said, the words and scenery in "The Dash" are just beautiful. Thank you for sharing this lovely video with us...........

[heartbeataway]

Has this ever happened to you?

I was watching a show on TV last night. It was a hospital setting and it showed a tag being tied on a toe and then the body bag being zipped. I started crying ...

The toe was suddenly Jason's and his body was in that bag to me.

And then today, we went to a late lunch and we were talking about how things haven't been normal. My husband said he missed traveling and where would I want to go on a trip? I couldn't talk. All I could think was that I want to go see Jason. I had a hard time pulling it back together.

I have missed him so much lately ....... so, so much.

[shellbellsmom]

Dee as always wonderful uplifting words…we will have to start praying for decent weather for the Midwest next weekend. 

Sonya thanks for the prayers. 

Bonnie thanks for all the great ideas…I love the toast to Red Bull, and how ironic her last words referred to getting wings.  The lights on the balloons will be breathtaking as we do this for the “Light the Night Walk” for Leukemia and Lymphoma society and it’s so magical…and I am going to take orders for tee-shirts that say “in memory of Michelle” inside a cancer ribbon.  Well there are no mountains to climb in our area but we are having it at our Arboretum, which has a collection of 200 trees including over 50 species from around the world.  One is dedicated to Michelle (see below).  This is a beautiful park with many walking trails and a wonderful butterfly preserve and pond with a fountain.  Wow, just has I wrote this a light-bulb went off in my head and gave me an idea.  I think I will have everyone parade through the trails in the woods with our balloons make a stop at her memorial tree for a poem, then off to the soccer field to launch the balloons.  My husband and son are going to launch a rocket…just like when the kids were little.  I did ask everyone to come and share a memory of Michelle so hopefully we can do this in a circle before the balloon launch. 

For the first time since I started this…I think I’m actually am getting a little excited about it now and some of my anxiety has lifted.  Thanks for all your suggestions…they have really helped.

Trudi I have heard the Dash Poem before but this was beautiful to read it once again with the music and the scenery playing.  I thought of reading this at my daughters COL but thought maybe it was more for an older person…what do you think? She was 22.

Here are some photos (different seasons) of the Arboretum I am having Shells COL at. Everyone have a great weekend.

[heartbeataway]

shellbellsmom,

The location is beautiful! I really like the walk on the path, stop at HER tree and then on to the soccer field.......

You sound excited. That will make your "Shell" happy. I personally don't think the Dash is for an older person. To me, the whole point is that it's not the number of years it's the life that was lived in that "dash". That's just my take on it.

The only other thing I remembered is that I had written a poem for Jason and we had that printed on a bookmark, laminated and we handed it out as a keepsake for the day.

I'm trying to think of something to do this year.

Planning his celebration gives me just a little of the energy that I would get planning holidays. Trying to come up with different ideas and surprises.

I'll just have to imagine his reaction instead of seeing it .........

I'm looking forward to hearing about your celebration. It sounds perfect!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie