Loss of an Adult Child

[summergirl]

So, needless to say I did not recognize him when I went to pick him up from school, he walked right by me and finally he said "mi-mi" and I turned and I was in such shock to see all of his curls gone - I asked him what happened to his hair and he said "my dad cut it" and then he said "i'm sorry mi-mi if you don't like it" and I said "oh no, I love it if you do" and he said "I do, it is so cool"!!!  Well, it took me a few hours to calm down before I made the "phone call" to let him know that he was never to do anything like that again without speaking to us, we have full custody and any major decisions are to be agreed upon by all - he said he thought it would be cooler for the summer and I told him it wasn't his choice - he did apologize but the damage was already done. Yes, he looks adorable but I am still upset that he comes around once every 3 months and thinks that allows him to make any decisions he wants - well, not in my world.   I love that Tavian loves it but I think a part of me is so upset because his beautiful curls are such a part of Jessica and I feel like his so called dad took something away from me - silly I suppose but true non the less.

Take care all and will talk soon.  Kathy

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Love the story about mommy - yes 6, amazing what the take notice of.  The haircut! Yes he does look cute, and it will be cooler for summer, BUT!!!!!

He looks older, not a baby.  The curls I guess linked him directly to Jess, without blinking you knew by those beautiful curls he is Jessica's son.  Now I guess its that cheeky smile and those eyes.....

Steven has a similar problem with the inlaws.  They had Zak one weekend and decided he needed a 'real boys hair cut'  A buzz cut.  His fine blonde hair now shawn to his scalp.  He thought he handed it diplomatically until they had Jeya......Her fringe bothered her granma, the scissor woman, it was cut to about 1/4 in long....................AGHHHHHHH

I love that Tavian sees himself as your son, but still Jess's son son.  Amazing insight from such a young soul.

I have been reading another Kubler Ross book. This one is very short called on Life after Death.  Really I guess it brings together many of the thoughts and ideals I have been struggling with over these past months.......

 Stay Cool.....from down under where cool is borderline freezing.....

 

[daniellemom]

Dee,

I will be praying for Jon's father and Jon. How very sad. When you signed your post peace out to someone I had to do a double take. That's how Danielle always said bye. Peace out! She was so funny. I really miss her!

To everyone,

i haven't been on I've had jury duty all week, which has not been fun, so far. I hope to caught up soon on all the post.

Sonya

[daveydow1]

Summergirl, Kathy,

Tavian does look so cute with his new haircut, but then he also looked

equally cute with his curls. I can understand your anger at Tavian's

dad for going ahead & cutting it. Such a thoughtful and sweet little dear--

Tavian---to think of your feelings. He must be a very gentle and considerate

child for his age. You said exactly the right thing to Tavian---that you liked

his haircut. Then it was only between you and his father, and Tavian was

happy with his haircut, and has no reservations. You are so wise, Kathy,

and I think you are doing a wonderful job with this little boy. He is so sweet--

you have to be doing something right, and it shows in Tavian's smile.

Daveysmom,    Sherry 

[ericasmom]

Thanks for all the great advice Sue, I will go on to the website you suggested. We have researched some adn give my Son the info every couple of days. Jonathan, is going to the hospital everyday and spending 10 or more hours with his dad as he goest through treatment. Jon has his own very small business and I do hope his business-partner will keep things going, but right now he feels he needs to be right by his Dad's side and I can't think of a better medicine for Michael. He is scared and extremely private, so sharing this time with Jon is definitely important for them both. I thank all of you in your responses and in for your  prayers. It is encouraging to read about those people you know that have beat this disease.

Michael does have a great angel looking out for him to be sure. Erica is watching over he and my Son, the three musketeers they called themselves.

I have felt her in the garden quite a bit lately. My beautiful girl, I miss holding her large hands, looking into her blue-green eyes with the freckle on her iris. She was so funny, made me laugh a great deal. The other night, out with sisters and nieces and great nephew Xavier, and we laughed out-loud as we often do, over things that Eri said or did over the years. I am so thankful to have such memories and to be able to pull them up and feel her warmth. Time has allowed for more smiles from photos and memories than pain...unlike the first two years following her death.

Myheart to all of you,

Dee

[heathershope]

Dee my prayers are certainly with you and your son through this new ordeal.  As Sue said though, he has a special weapon in ERI...his personal angel.

Mamabets:  I agree.  I get so many dreams, visions and "visits" from Heather.  I live for them and I know for a fact when I wake up after one of the visits that I was most assuredly with Heathr. I can tell the difference between a dream and a visit. I get lots of songs and ironic run ins and such.  I know she is everywhere and with me all the time but I still miss her so much.

Kathy: I understand why you would be upset but try to focus on the fact that Tavians beautiful soul is the best and most special connection to Jessica.  I know what you mean though.  My sons daughter, Madalyn looks so much like Heather that it breaks my heart sometimes but I love the fact that she does at the same time.  It's like having a little piece of Heather around  (she acts just like her too)  God's life boat to us during the storm. 

Time for me to hit the sack too, already up way past my bedtime on a work night.

Sweet dreams of your angels.

Terri

 

 

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy:  Tavian does look so cute in his new haircut, but i too would have been pretty upset.  Handling it the way you did was great, though...keeping Tavian's happiness about it, but letting them know that it was not something that should have been done without contacting you was the right thing to do.  You are a good mom to Tavian, Kathy, no doubt about it!  Jess is watching over you and showering you with her appreciation and love.

Dee:  Am praying for your Jon and Michael...strength and love being sent through cyberspace. 

love and peace to all,

carol  mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

Tavian's haircut makes his beautiful eyes stand out even more. He's such a handsome young man! Beautiful child!

With that said .......

Our Jason had curls and I remember how emotional that first haircut was ...

I would be both hurt and furious with his "Dad"!! What was he thinking doing that without asking?!

Some people have the philosophy that it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Take care sweetie!

[ericasmom]

I agree with everyone weighing in on Tavian's haircut...he looks very handsome and still looks like his pretty Momma, but I would be pissed too about the once-in-a-while-dad, coming in and playing house one weekend. That said, I think you handled it wonderfully, putting Tavian at ease immediately and making sure he does not have to be mediator between his two families. He is a lucky young man to have you in his life.

Thanks again to the wonderful words being written in support of Jon and Eri's Dad. Prayers for Michael

may he feel the love around him, the love coursing through his heart,

may he know that his kids wouldn't trade him for a million other dads,

and may that be just the right dosage to give him strength again.

Bless us All in the steps we take,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Are any of you out West where the fires are or the midwest with the flooding? I sure hope not!

I started with a new counselor Tuesday. She actually gets it!

She understands that a HUGE portion of my "future" is scattered at the top of the mountain with Jason's ashes.

Today is 14 months ......

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie:  I am so happy for you that you have found a counselor who "gets it."  It is such a help to be able to talk face to face to someone who really is there for you and at least truly tries to understand and help.  (very much like everyone here, but of course, having the one on one is really great, if it's the right "one." )   I have known my counselor for a long time, and also have the benefit of his knowing Mike, as he saw him in the months just before his passing.   My counselor has been a Godsend to me...he truly understands...like no other person I've met who has not been through this. 

love and peace,

carol   mikesmomrs 

[ericasmom]

Carol, I agree, it is wonderful having someone on a weekly or more basis to speak to face to face, to cry or yell or whatever comes forth without any judging. I went to therapy with a therapist I had gone to from years before, in fact I went to her upon the birth of Erica because of my past abuse issues. (growing up abused by father). So going back upon Eri's death was symbolic and a circle of sorts. Not the circle I wanted but nevertheless...Karen(therapist) knew Eri when Eri was little, and I had gone back to Karen with my divorce many years later, and then when Eri died. I stayed for 2.5 years and now with Michael's illness,and Eri's 5th year coming fast, I feel a bit shaky adn may need to call her.

Bonnie, it is not easy for many to start in therapy, so be proud of that big step. I am so glad you found someone who seems to get it. My heart to you,

Dee

[daveydow1]

Heartbeataway,

My thoughts & prayers are for you today---the 14th month mark on this

journey, and undoubtedly a painful place in the time following

the death of your beloved child, Jay. May your memories of your dear son

give you a measure of comfort, and may his love from above warm your

heart.                       Daveysmom,   Sherry

 

[mamabets]

For heartbeataway~ Oh, Bonnie, to have someone who "gets it" is so very critical as you attempt to reach out into the "professional" side of this...When one doesn't, yet claims to call it so many "things" that are just FOREIGN to our hearts, it makes it worse!!

I am forever suggesting...

"FIND A NEW DOCTOR, QUICKLY"

God love you...We are all here for you, always~

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For ericasmom~ This plate of yours, my dear friend, is so chock full right now...I have no answers, yet I "get it"...

I send you my love and prayers, always...

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For daveydow1~ You were right smack on my mind, I come here to check in, and here you are!!! I would be calling you if we weren't surrounded by lightning storms!!

Connected forever..xoxoxo

LOVE

mamabets

[ericasmom]

Mamabetts, you are the nurturer, your words are like a Mom wrapping arms around me and  I thank you. Plate is indeed full, however, we share that full plate don't we? It is like swimming up stream sometimes...but the journey is important and along the way I have met wonderful people. My prayers are rich with hope.

 

My heart is full,

Dee

 

[heartbeataway]

Carol, mikesmomrs

Thanks for the encouragement with the new counselor. You always have "good words" to share. I like the way you put your thoughts into such caring words.

It's sad also at times when I read the posts (and not just yours,) that the pain is almost palpable in the expressions.

We are all so broken .......

Love!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[summergirl]

Oh how I have missed all of you sooooooo much - my computer is still giving me loads of trouble but is allowing me on so I am going to take advantage of it.

Thank you to all of you for your encouraging and loving words about Tavian and about the "haircut" - yes, he is still beautiful and wonderful and whether his curls are there or not he is still his mommy's boy through and through. My problem was with the "dad" taking it upon himself to do it as though he has any right to do anything with Tavian!! He goes months without seeing him and then believes he can do what he wants when he does see him - just like Heartbeataway said - it is better for some to ask for forgivness then permission - however, he would never ask forgiveness as he feels as though he does nothing wrong. I did find out from his mother that he just finished school to become a "haircutter" so maybe he thought he could use Tavian as a "pratice"!!!  I also want to say thanks for all of your words about me being such a great "mom" to Tavian, it really lifted my spirit and I really needed that. I do believe I am doing a good job but now and then the doubts set in and I have chase them away or cry and I cry enough as it is.

Tavian has been with his other grandmother since Thursday as he is done with school now and summer vacation is here. He will be home Friday morning and then we are going camping for 10 days - very excited to be getting away and camp on the beach.

Heartbeataway - I am sorry that I missed the 14 month date for Jason on the 28th - I know how hard it is to face the "dates" of any kind. I have Jessica's birthday coming July 21st and I am already finding myself slipping backwards. However, I am so happy that you have a new counselor!! I am still seeing mine and she helps me so much I know that I have a ways to go but hope eventually that all I will need is my friends here at BI!!

My husbands father is home from the hospital - yesterday - he is not well and we doubt he will make it through this year but he is a tough one and may suprise us all - I hope so.

Another tragedy here, a young man of 23 hung himself because his girlfriend left him and then after about a week she e-mailed him to tell him how much fun she was having with other guys and how happy she was without him - he hung himself that night. The ex girlfriend is now in the hospital getting phsyc treatment as she is blaming herself. I am so sad for her and his family but believe there was probably more to him committing suicide then the e-mail. He left a letter for his family.  am so heartbroke for them. It never seems to end.

Yes, my family lives in Iowa where there has been alot of flooding - thankfully there are ok so far - my parents live on a farm that sits high on a hill overlooking the town so they are in no danger. Alot of people in the surrounding small towns have been evacuated. Weather is crazy everywhere.

I must go now although I do not want to as I have not posted for what seems a very long time. I love and miss all of you and hope I can get back on tomorrow nite and post some new pictures.

Take care and Go Bless all of you - Kathy

Jessica, my daughter, today was your kind of day, sunshine, blue skies - perfect beach day. I was waiting for you to call me at work and tell me you would meet me at Maidstone beach for a walk. I miss you so much my girl, my heart - how do I keep getting up each morning without you - I still wait for your car to pull in the driveway, the phone call to ask me if I am watching some crazy tv show you are watching or crying because you just finished the most wonderful book ever!!!!  I love you my girl, my baby - send me some energy - love you so much, mom

[kalimac]

Well I hate to steer everyone back towards orbs in photographs . . but until you all mentioned it I'd never even thought about it. Than at Nathan's burial that one photograph with a purple aura showed up . . coincidence . . I don't know. Anyway, this past weekend was my cousins wedding. We all attended and I wore a blue butterfly pin on my jacket in Nathan's memory. We really had a good time. The way they had the guest book set up was for each person to take a poloroid snapshot, place it in the guestbook and write well wishes beside the photo. Several of us waited in line to do this and when it was our turn . . our photograph came out in a totally unexpected way . . . what do you think? No one elses came out this way. Another coincidence?

Patty R

Mom to Nathan

Lost to cancer

Taken on Saturday June 28, 2008

Taken a month ago on May 29, 2008

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

I hope this will be good for me. Last Tuesday was my first session. She asked "the question". I told her that I have a son and a step-daughter. Later, I told her that Jason died and I'm having such a hard time with his loss. She asked some questions, when, how, etc.....

She said something to the effect that you lost a lot when your son died. You will never have a grandchild ........

I told her that I feel like I lost my future.

So many think that because I have a step-daughter that I'm wrong in saying, I will never have a grandchild. But, in reality, I won't. I will never see Jason's quirky smile or his blonde curls on some little person. I will never be Mother of the Groom or have a daughter-in-law. Our family name ended with Jason.

I wish that Beth (my counselor) had met Jason. But, she seems to understand the loss and that is really important to me. The last counselor told us that she could listen and she could cry with us but she didn't think she could help us.

I think she will have her hands full with me. Jason, my step-daughters accusations that we've mistreated her, her whole life. My husbands job has been in limbo for several months. We're trying to grow Jason's business and decide whether or not to move to Virginia......... and then the other things that seem insignificant but we still have to deal with and address in life.

Pray for Beth! Bless her heart!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Claudia,

I agree with Dee, you are a nurturer and a very good one I might add. Thanks for being there for us!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Bonnie,

I feel like your Beth is similar in style to my Karen. Karen asked the right questions to keep a conversation going a type of talk that led me from one place to another discovering vital pieces of my heart along the way. It is a talent, an art, to bring another along their own path, to help them open thier hearts and souls to the ache and pain and to the possibilities of the good. Your plate is even more full than mine right now, and I will pray for Beth to be a great guide adn for you, because you knew you needed a guide for this part of the journey. You recognized the need Bonnie, that is the good news. I pray for all the decisions you need to make, and all that is up-in-the-air.

When I get freaked out, and I do, I think of that saying that We are all where we are supposed to be on our journey. It settles me somehow, believing that we are not here to make thngs not occur, we are here to travel the tides and effect change when we can, and learn to live with change as we go. If any of us could have changed the events that had us finding this place, we would have with a blink of an eye, but since we could not, we are now learning to live with this ache, and effecting change where and when we can.

]God Bless,

Dee

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ Kathy, isn't it something that I am having this "strong feeling" that as Tavian's hair grows again, since the "dad" decided not to keep the scissors to himself, that when it grows again, the little waves and curls will be stronger, and more like Jessica's???

Hmmmmmm........

Just such a STRONG feeling that just came over me like a beautiful WAVE....

LOVE

mamabets

 

[mamabets]

For ericasmom~ So amazingly, beautifully put into words~ From so deep within that level of adoration that only we know...xoxoxoxo

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For heartbeataway~ Keep talking to Beth, Bonnie...Believe it or not, you may VERY soon, feel this incredible connection to Jay...ALWAYS so connected, DUH, but when you travel along this detoured road, you do continue to go to levels, just like our boys did.

You'll see..And, when the "Ah Ha" happens, you will feel it and will help give you some strength...The rest of so much becomes so trivial...

Although the compounded trivial can freak us out...

I coped with life like no one I ever knew before this and peopl tell me I am so  strong...

My commet back is always ..."A survivor now, yes...However, weak as a kitten...Period"

This does NOT make us "stronger" for God's sweet sake...But, we do grab life again, I promise...

LOVE

mamabets

 

[mamabets]

For kalimac~

Hang on to that believing in the orbs...

GO MOM!!!!!!

LOVE

mamabets

[ericasmom]

Prayers for the family of Robert Hosty who drowned in Michigan the other day. He went missing on the 15th in Coloma Michigan where his family has a cabin, and he drowned. He was 27. He is from our town.

[daveydow1]

Heartbeataway, Bonnie,

I'm glad you have found a counselor that you can relate to, and that is

understanding.  I think it is difficult to find one that understands. I hope

that with Beth's help, you can find some comfort.  I went to one who was

the dearest person imagineable, but by his words, I knew that he did not

understand the depth of my grief and accompanying problems relating to

it.  I have not looked for another counselor, but I find a lot of comfort and

understanding here at BI.  Peace be with you,

friend.

                                   Daveysmom,   Sherry 

[ericasmom]

Thanks Mamabetts, it is definitely a world that others cannot fully understand, and each day I pray for those new to this path. I wish I could make it be that nobody else has to go through this process...I know we all wish that.

My heart aches at the thought of the HOsty family now doing what we all had to do, and I hope that somehow, I can reach out to them later on and assist wherever possible.

I have given this website name to many, including the therapist I used to see as she was interested in such a place for another client.

Daveydow, most people don't fully connect with the first therapist they meet, so if you feel it would benefit you to still find one, keep looking. I do however feel that I get a great deal here, a place to share what is most dear adn most deep with those that really know.

God Bless All,

Dee

[ag0715]

I found this beautiful 4th of July poem I wanted to share with everyone. God Bless

♥4th OF JULY♥

Its getting late... And dusk is settling in.... The 4th of July fireworks... Are about to begin.

I wonder how far is Heaven... As I look up to the night sky... And wonder if my child is watching.... Just from the other side?

The Fireworks have begun... As they fly into the sky.... Just like my child, my angel... Who is forever soaring high.

The colorful bursts explode... Into a spectacular show of lights.... And fill the heavens above... Its so beautiful and bright..

And as the fireworks fall... From the Heavens way up high... They burn out...and its dark again... And the crowd lets out a sigh.

But..then another is lit...sparkling brilliantly As the light trails through the night sky... I think I am beginning to understand.. For its the same when our loved ones die.

For a life that has burned brightly... Can never fade away.... For its rekindled through our memories... Each and every day.

So even though my child has gone... To the Heavens up Above.... Their light will always remain ... And shine down on me with love.

And our Grand Finale WILL come... When we are reunited in Heaven again... But their light will always remain lit... ...Until then.

[lorismom]

ag0715 ~ Thank you for sharing such a lovely poem with us. And I wish a safe and peaceful 4th of July to all.........

[heartbeataway]

Holidays make me sad ...... they're family times...... and my family is broken.

I loved the poem. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

I also wish everyone a safe holiday.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Agnes - Beautiful words, very much how I see the life and now energy of Mike. 

Bonnie - I have been reading your posts, life was never meant to be easy, but somehow losing a child makes each day that much harder.

Dee - I truly believe having been here that our experience in many ways can be of great comfort to those who have had the misfortune to join us.  I know just by your words of support and encouragement here that you have much to offer those who find themselves at the beginning...

To all, I know July 4th is a another holiday with many celebrations, of sadness, tears mingled with laughter and memories. 

Thinking of you all......Trudi

[heartbeataway]

mikesmum,  I just realized that my posts are self-centered.  We are all here with "broken" families.  I unfortunately get lost in my own loss sometimes. You're right, life is so much harder for us.

You guys are important to me.  I find solace in your words and postings. I have been especially "heavy hearted" lately and I don't always post a lot but I read often.

We are planning Jason's birthday.  Last year we decided not to honor his "memorial day". It's the saddest day in our life.  So, on his birthday in October, we celebrated his life.  We are doing the same thing this year and hope to make it an annual event.  We would like to raise funds for Sudden Cardiac Death.  Friday evening we plan to have fireworks and a balloon release.  Saturday, we'll journey to the top of the mountain (The Pinnacle) where Jason's ashes are spread.  Then we'll have a pig roast and later a couple of bands.  We hope to have a pancake breakfast Sunday morning.  So far, we've come up with Pinnacle Days as a name for the event. 

The journey to The Pinnacle is rugged and you have to have four-wheel drive vehicles to make it.  Once you get close to the top of the mountain, you have to park and then walk a path to the top. I'm thinking of having pictures of other lost loved ones along the path as we walk. A memorial walk in a sense.

My nephew is doing artwork for a t-shirt.  Not sure how it will all work out but we're trying.  The Cove where we're having this event is where Jason died.  He loved it and we know he will be there in spirit as we gather.  It would be so much more fun if he were there in person. We will do what we can to make him proud.

We've missed him deeply lately.  It's interesting the highs and lows of grief.  Some days it seems bearable and then you hit a slick spot in the road and slide around for a while. I guess we're in a little bit of a ditch.

I really try to remember how lucky we are as parents to have had these precious souls in our keeping........... if only for a while.

Agnes,  I'm looking forward to our "grand finale" as I guess we all are. I'm homesick for our boy as I'm sure everyone is for their child. What a day that will be! 

Until then, we will endure our ups and downs ...........

Blessings to all.

Picture was taken the day we scattered Jason's ashes at The Pinnacle.

[ericasmom]

Bonnie,

we all post from our hearts and so it is not self-centered in a way that is self absorbed, but loss centered...and we all get it. We are all there too. I like the way you put it; slide around for a while and now in a ditch.

The ditch is the place that we need to be sometimes, usually emerging with some new energy or some new perspective to keep us going until the next ditch. The interesting fact that I notice of us all, is the ditch time begins to lessen. As we get further away from the date of our babies leaving we feel very vulnerable, then one day we realize how far we have come, and then some ditch time, and then we return to our lives, as best we can anyway, and then we go along creating some new traditions and certainly, all of it with our broken hearts. The work we do to live our lives that are new and foreign, is the way our hearts begin to repair. I know never will our hearts be as they once were, and in fact they may even be larger, able to hold our loss oddly positioned next to our joys. We do the best we can and realize when we are feeling good, that our best is damn good.

I love the idea you have about lining the walk up to the pinnacle with photos of others who died as your beartiful Jay. I also love the name of the event. And what better way to honor your young man than to raise funds in his light, offering a chance for others. He must be very proud.

Trudi, I do believe that if we have to live with such sadness, we might as well share what we know, share the hope we are able to hold on to, with those that are new to this world. Somehow I feel it is part of this whole process of grief. We are slammed by our loss, we are made to fight through the fog of shock in order to make arrangements, (hate that term), and then we are left like an open wound after the shock wears away. We hurt and we are alone with it on many levels. Nobody in our homes grieves in the same way and everyone is raw. We parents are then left with the notion that we must go back to work, we must still, in some of your cases, take care of other kids, what about our marriages, pets, bills, health, so many things that were once daily things and then become insurmountable things. Things that no longer make sense in this world because our home is gone. The home we knew is gone. But we do it, we trudge forward and we find out that while life will never be as it once was, it will be. We get healthier if we work at it, and even if we force our steps into the world, it usually adds to the progress of learning to live our best lives now. Eventually, most of us find that we become stronger over time, and that we are able to laugh again, cry without feeling like we must hide it, and we can speak about our children at social events knowing that if others are made uncomfortable about it, it is their problem not ours. We have a lot to offer one another as we continue climbing into this life.

Agnes, lovely poem, and it really does remind me of being out in my yard 4 years ago, and wondering if Eri could see the fireworks. She loved them so much. Five years ago tonight, Erica came home to Chicago area and over to our house for dinner (she was in from Kalamazoo for the day) . She later went to the  lakefront to watch the fireworks with all of her buddies from this area.  It was the last time we had dinner together.  July 6th was the last time I saw her and two days after that she was hit by the train. She died on July 14, 2003. This time of year is very difficult for us, but I know she loved it and made the most of it from the time she was little.

May we all step into the day knowing our children bless each step.

Dee

[mikesmum]

Dee - I was asked this past week where I felt I was at by my psych.  Best I could offer was was lost.  I felt like I had no home.  I most definitely have come along way.  Micheal is spoken of with love and laughter more often now.   I still feel lost.

When I have a role to play I am able to function, be it Granma, mum, wife, support person, puppy owner.  The time between, now thats where I find myself lost.  Early hours of the morning, really late into the night or just days where I have no direction. 

Its funny how we now express time as 'the last time I saw her/him', 'the day before she/he..' We all do it , we all know why.

I will be thinking of fireworks and lights across the sky on the 14th....may Eri and her energy surround you this coming week.

Bonnie - The Pinnacle..absolutely perfect.  The trip up so much part of the journey.  I really believe Jason will ensure that it will all be okay on the day.......A day to celebrate a life well lived.

This past week has been hard.  The Ambulance Service here has amalgamated into one service and we have been attending a number of functions.  First one was okay.  Knew many of the people, all knew about Mike.  The next not so good. 

Two hours from home, country town, the other half networking.  Was asked why I wasn't working any more.  After gaving the condensed version, the comment -

Well, you certainly have gotten yourself together quickly.  I don't think I would ever get over losing a child like you have........The meltdown was swift and all consuming.  Funny didn't know I had gotten over losing Micheal  :? 

I have found the  M.I.S.S foundation website, where I have purchased two bands.  The first is black with the words "In Mourning".  The second is white with the words "One who Soars". 

Take Care - Trudi

[heartbeataway]

Dee and mikesmum.......

You have such a gift with words. Claudia also.

I log in with a heavy heart and no direction, searching for some little bit of inspiration to get me into my day or back into some kind of focus and there one or all of you are ......

The thought keeps coming into my mind, I wonder what view our children will have of the fireworks tonight ........ will we be looking up as they are looking down?

Sparkles of love to everyone today!

JasonH'smom, Bonnie

[shellbellsmom]

Kathy I am dreading the 21st this month as well.  That will be the one year for me.  But actually the 9th is the last time we spoke with my Michelle; she was put into an induced coma never to come out alive.  Today the 4th was the last good day we had with my daughter.  We were up at the hospital with her friends watching the Boston Pops fireworks on the TV and reading this book of jokes just laughing at how stupid all the jokes really were.  That evening I spent at the hospital with her...at 1AM on the 5th as she went into the bathroom (With her IV dragging by) she yelled for me..."MOM", I can still hear her voice- I opened the door and watched her fall on her head into the shower of the bathroom.  "I couldn't catch her in time.  Her platelets were extremely low and I just screamed and pulled the ALL ALERT button.  My world started to die then.... I feared that she would bleed to death externally as the staff mentioned.  A few hours later she started shaking like crazy and passed out once again while using the bathroom, another push of the ALL ALERT button and then off to the main hospital rather than just the cancer hospital.  I can't seem to shake the flash-backs...and hearing her voice scream "MOM". 

I have passed on all the invitations to go to the "4th of July” festivities and just wish to sit quietly in my house, with my husband.  I have been getting ready for my daughters "Celebration of Life" on the 20th...but I wasn't expecting it to be so difficult to organize.  Now I worry about how I will feel seeing all her friends once again.  There lives continue on…and her’s just stopped.

I wish everyone a very Happy 4^th…but for me I just wish it would hurry up and be August.  Not crazy about the month of July any more.  Sue

*The picture is last year on the 4th.  I made her BF wear that silly RWB hat.  We tried to made a little fun out of a bad situation.  In her hospital journal she wrote, "Hoping to have a better 4th next year".  That kills me to read.

[kalimac]

We're handling the 4th by being quiet too . . although parties, families and the whole town we live in is in celebration mode. The 4th is big around here and was a time we spent with all our family . . fireworks are close enough to walk to . . too many memories . . someday they'll be safe to pull out and remember, but not right now. We had to turn down invitations and even though people say they understand I know they don't.

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago and it was all we could do to get through that . . but we loved my cousin enough to go and we had a nice time . . but I often thought about Nathan and we left earlier than we would have . . b ut that's our new 'normal' now . .

Hang in there . .

Patty R

Mom to Nathan

Lost to cancer

11.13.87 - 2.11.08

[heartbeataway]

Sue, shellsbellsmom,

I vividly remember Jason's Celebration of Life last October. It's odd but I was in some ways "detached". It was surreal at times. I loved being surrounded by his friends and our families.

You will cherish the time with them. Try not to dread it.

Everything will fall into place and you will be okay. The important thing to remember is that it's a celebration of her life. That's an event you want to be front and present for.

Strength will come when you think it doesn't exist ........

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[wyomingsal]

Shellbellsmom,

My Joshua's Heaven date is on the 20th this month.  I guess I didn't know our children left so close together.  Her birthday so close must be very difficult.  I am having a hard time today on the 4th as well because it was the last holiday I spent with my boy.  I have such memories of last year with him and having a great day.  I will be thinking of you and your beautiful daughter as the day grows close.

 

Sal

[daveydow1]

To All here at BI,

I pray for all of us on this 4th of July holiday that brings back so many

bittersweet memories. It can be very heartwrenching and difficult on

aching hearts. Such a big family holiday, and yet we always feel that

empty place that our beloved children held. I hope everyone is able

to get through the day/night as best they can. I am staying home and

keeping it low-key. Sometimes it just feels like the world is passing me

by.   My words seem so empty.

                             Daveysmom,  Sherry

[ericasmom]

Many of us seem to have our greatest sadness in July. My heart to those of you approaching your 1st anniversary, any anniversary. We are fast approaching our 5th on the 14th. We will have our celebration of Erica's life on the 19th this year. I sent an E-vite adn have so far heard back from 60 people. I invited about 130. We will have balloons with messages and I will borrow the idea that some of you had to attach in our messages, our email address so that we may hear from some far away person that will meet the memories of Eri. We will ahve food, music, and yard games. We will share laughter and tears. Right before sending off our balloons, I address the whole group with some words and we play Bob Marly's three bird as we join in a circle. Five years...how could this be. I arranged for white tshirts with pink lettering to be made, and we will give these to Eri's friends adn cousins.

Somehow, life goes on because she blesses it everyday.

[briansdad]

Sorry I've been away for a while. I have a job now. WOOO HOOO ( choke gag)

Here is a video I made for my parents group for the fourth.

http://brian-klocke.memory-of.com/Uploads/Videos/Video633507815244600000.wmv

[shellbellsmom]

Nice video...I love the fireworks, are those clips you took or video you downloaded.  I am always interested in new effects for mine.  The song "Over the rainbow" is the one I have for my daughters memorial website...I love that version of a classic tune.  I hope I get the motivation to start mine now...I have all the photo just need a big kick in the butt to get started on it.  Thanks for sharing the video.

Dee- here are some of the designs I am working on for our shirts...I think yours are awesome. 

ag0715- wonderful poem once again.  where do you find these?  Thanks for sharing it with us. 

Happy 4th everyone.

Sue

http://michelle-lunn.virtual-memorials.com (my daughter Michelle's memorial site)

[ericasmom]

Greg and Everyone, I just wrote a huge post, too wordy probably, but nevertheless, lost. Sorry but I am thrilled to see you back to the site Greg, missed your warm ways. Good to know that you are well.

Shellbell's mom, I love the Cancer sucks tshirt. Oh that is good. All of them wonderful.

I just watched the fireworks with you guys, talked all about them in the post that was lost but suffice it to say that they were lovely, watching from the window in my office, and with each new kind that went up I imagined Eri saying, "oh that's my new favorite." She certainly loved the fireworks. I certainly miss those days when we went to the park with our mosquito spray and our blanket and sat with neighbors and school friends and Oooohed and Ahhhhed as the colors lit the sky in so magical a way.

Peace to you all, Happy Birthday America,

Dee

Goodnight my little Tinkerbell, I miss you beyond the sky.

[heartbeataway]

Greg, enjoyed the video.  Thanks for sharing.  It was good to to see a posting from you.  Don't forget about us now that you have a whoo hoo choke gag job!!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Erica's Mom,

The celebration for Eri's life sounds sweet.  I'm sure you make her proud. Nice shirts!

JasonH'sMom,Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Thanks Bonnie, I hope each day that we make her proud with the things we do. I hope that you have a peaceful and happy day.

 

Peace,

Dee