Loss of an Adult Child

[johnnysmama]

Betsy

I just lit a candle for you and Danny for his angel day. You have to know from the many posts here how loved and cared for you are. I can NOT tell you how your kind words made my feet a little less heavy some days so I could walk this journey. You also have helped as many of the special people here have that I don't have to travel it alone-so know you are never alone. Danny has to be so proud of you

and glad you are his Mom. Hope you felt his love around you all day and everyday. You of all people know that love is eternal and will never leave you. Danny, wrap your Mom in your loving hugs.

Peace, Kay

 

[daveydow1]

For Bonnie,

The point that you are at right now, on this road, 14 mo... is especially agonizing..

(I don't have to tell you that).  The mind just does not want to acknowledge

the unthinkable, or the unspeakable. I also had these same feelings at about

that stage. Our minds just rejects the most painful thing to ever happen to us.

I'm so sorry for your loss of dear Jason, your only child. As you say--the pain

will never go away, and we may never come to the point where we "accept"

what happened. How can we?  The memories, which we cling to, often make

us smile, but also can be like daggers stabbing us.  I do so wish there was

something I could say to ease your pain. I can say, that the pain does become

a bit softer in time.  Every one of us here on this road must take the time we

need to try to........what? ........come to terms?.....We can't really reconcile it

I know.  I wish you peace and, somehow, a measurement of comfort. Take

care, friend.                                Daveysmom,  Sherry  

[daveydow1]

Lorismom, Patty,

Thank you for your kind words of remembrance for Davey's angel day--14th.

As is usual, the days leading up to the day were more painful and stressful

than the actual day. We kept it low-key and just visited his grave, said our

prayers, "talked" to Dave, and came back home for a quiet day to ourselves.

It was a rainy day.  How have you been doing?  I pray that you are holding

up alright. Many times, on this road we're on, it seems hopeless. BI has

always been so much help to me, and I only wish that I could have the

education or wisdom to say anything to help anyone. Sometimes there are

just no words.  Peace be with you, and may your angel, Lori,  smile down on

you and brighten your days.

                                      Daveysmom,   Sherry   

[mamabets]

For All~ Much love and to all of you for yous kind wishes...Thia has been a brutal stretch...Come June 25th, it should lessen some. He was on life support from the 16th-21, service the 25th. So, it's long, hours seem endless. And, as I looked at the clock on the day of Danny's accident. I "wondered" through each one....

I think you all and remember, you all give me the ability to help you. That always seems to help this soften, while hearts break everywhere. I wish I could do so much more....

Thank you again!!

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

[briansdad]

Here is a song I heard that really describes this site and the people here.

http://brian-klocke.memory-of.com/Uploads/Audios/Audio633493785678983761.mp3

[heathershope]

Bonnie and Sherry...I believe what I write about being glad I had time with Heather and did not lose her suddenly...until I see a response such as yours and then I think, Yeah, that's true too. How nice it would of been if Heather had not had to suffer at all.  She used to tell me she was glad it was going the way it was going for our sake, but she  wished for her own sake she would just get into a car crash and have it be over.  A dichotomy for sure.  I think the reality is however we lost our beloved children, it is the worst way imaginable simply because they are gone. 

Bonnie and Dee...Thank you for your kind words about my much loved grand daughter and of course her beautiful aunt.  I feel the most sad I think that Madalyn will not get the blessing of knowing Heather. Heather had great plans for her and Madalyn.  She loved her so much already.  My son is having a very difficult time with that as well.  Heather had special gifts and momentos made for Madalyn before she passed so that Madalyn would always have a piece ofher and the knowledge of how much her Aunt Heather loved her.  One thing she has is a snow globe that has a pricess in it and plays somewhere over the rainbow, and it is inscribed with "Always loved from up above, love Aunt Heather"  She also has, among many other things, Heather's music box that plays "you are my sunshine".  I hope they are enough to make Madalyn realize how much this woman would have loved her had she been given the chance.  Wow, I am rambling, I'm sorry.

I am sure as I believe that all the kids are now friends in Heaven, Heather and Jason are yucking it up....she like many of the same activites your son did, her boyfriend was is very much like your son.  God Bless you and your husband on this journey.  I see how much you are struggling by some of your post and I am sorry.

Terri

 

[heathershope]

Heather at the ocean one week before she started chemo.  She looks so young and carefree, looks can be decieving can't they...she was far from carefree at this point. I still love this picture of her.  She cut her hair short in preparation for losing it during chemo, which she never did.  Boy was she mad then

[heathershope]

Kathy....Dave always called Heather his butterfly too.  They had already planned to dance to Butterfly kisses at her wedding because when she was a little girl every night he would give her a butterfly kiss (with the eye lashes) before she went to sleep at night.  She was his pricess, our sunshine, his butterfly, my baby girl...she was a lot of things to both of us, but as she got older he mostly called her butterfly. 

Dee...I think you are right.  No matter how we lost our kids, we share the same shattered heart now.  Well put as usual.  I love your way with words.

Bonnie...I am sorry I do not recall this information, but what was the day that Jason died?  We are approaching 14 months too so they must have been very close together.  Heather died May 12, 2007.  It's sad to know someone else was experiencing our pain around the same time we were.  I'm sure many were, but you don't often "meet" them.   My heart is with you.

Terri

[heartbeataway]

[user=19514]heathershope[/user] wrote:

Bonnie...I am sorry I do not recall this information, but what was the day that Jason died?  We are approaching 14 months too so they must have been very close together.  Heather died May 12, 2007.  It's sad to know someone else was experiencing our pain around the same time we were.  I'm sure many were, but you don't often "meet" them.   My heart is with you.

Terri

Terri,  Jason died April 28th, 2007 .......... His memorial was May 2nd and his ashes were scattered on May 5th. 

Talking about the pain.  My husband and I were watching the news about Tim Russert, the political analyst that died suddenly last Friday.  I couldn't help but think about the devastation the family was experiencing. It took us back to those first weeks and months.

Thanks!  JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Greg, you have a gift for picking out great songs!  Thanks for sharing this one with us.   Jay'sMom, Bonnie

[bbarbie55]

I too lost my daughter last year April 24 2007 and now I'm coming up on her birthday of June 24th and I'm starting to think and dream about her. I know its not possible for her to be here since she was cremated but in my dreams she is normal with long hair and a healthy body. I still cry when I hear of a young person who has cancer that passes on and I wish I could take their place so they could live a full life. I remember the chemo and the stem cell transplant I wish she would never had to have gone through them but she did. I wish she had lived somewhere warmer and wouldn't have gotten pneumonia that killed a weakened body. But it happened! Bobbi I love you 6-24-1981 4-24-2007

[johnnysmama]

Bonnie, Terri and BBarbie55

Sounds like we are all at about the same spot as I lost my son March 12, 2007. Seems like yesterday and forever. Not glad for the reason I am here but glad I travel this road with you and everyone here. Bless you all and we will make it together, one breath at a time.

Kay

[daveydow1]

Heathershope,

When I read your post, it gripped my heart. Your darling Heather is so lovely,

and what love and courage she had to leave gifts for her little niece Madlalyn.

You are right.....no matter how our children left us....no matter what the

circumstances surrounding their passing.....it leaves us all with crushed and

broken hearts, and sorrow forever.  When little Madalyn gets older, and knows

about her dear Aunt Heather, the snow globe and other gifts Heather left her

will be all the more precious to her.  When my little grandsons, Canyon and

Trenton David get older, I will tell them about their Uncle Davey.  Thank you

for sharing this story with us.  Peace to you.

                                Daveysmom,  Sherry

[mikesmum]

Greg - the depth of love for and connection with Brian is one that never ends.

Thank you for another reflection found in your music.

"Even in the darkest hour" - how many times I have stood surrounded by people yet felt so isolated.  Then I am found, by those here who know, without words, the depth of my heartache.

Betsy - thinking of you.  Tears fall as I read of your last days with your 'man of steel' - Danny. 

Take Care.......Trudi

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, Thanks for the note about missing me.  I've been in a whirlwind of busy, so much that from 6 am until my head hits the pillow I have been non-stop for a week--until NOW.  Whew!  I have a week to clean up everything and then start all over with a new group, but the reward of joy I feel when people are here being blessed and blessing others is hugely worth it all.

Betsy, thinking of you and sending Giant HUGS....

Sherry, Hugs to you too as Davey's angel day has come and gone...

I'll try to catch up more soon, super tired and going for some rest.  Greg, you are super!!  Thanks for all you do and share.  Blessings, Claudia

[daveydow1]

Claudia,

 Thanks for your kind words for Davey's angel day.  The day came and

went with sadness, as on  any other day. As you well know,

the pain is always there.  Best of luck with your new group, and all the

wonderful work you do.  Peace be with you.

                                          Daveysmom,  Sherry

[heathershope]

It's odd how a little over a year ago we didn't even know one another but were all preparing to go through the same painul experience, miles and states apart, and now here we all are.  Talking with the people we have never met, yet they are our lifeline to sanity through our shared experience and the knowledge and emotions that only those of us have been through this can begin to understand.  Thank God for the internet and the opportunity to have such a support network through this nightmare.

Many of you have been here much longer than a year and are like the wise souls that guide us newcomers along the journey, while still dealing with your own pain and grief.  Yet you still have enough of yourselves to share to help us..  Thank God for you, too.

Terri

[mikesmum]

Terri - How true.  The geography may find us worlds apart, yet in many ways,  we all seem in someway to connect.

Its been 18 months since Mike left.  Some of the emotions and feelings expressed by those just joining are still a part of my life, even now.

For me, I never wanted to need to be part of a group like this, I never wanted to travel this journey.  I had seen others, my brother in particular, suffer the loss of a child and I have to say I said a silent thankyou that I had been spared that. 

I am a member of this community and am forever grateful to those who travelled before me who many times held me tight when I didn't think I could continue.

Take Care.......Trudi

[briansdad]

Terri, you said it lady!!! I didn't sleep for I don't know how many nights and the inter net was a life saver for me. I don't know what I would have done if  I didn't have anyone to talk to. RIGHT BETS!!!

Greg

[lagrangel]

Terri,

You totally said what all of us feel. It has been a lifeline to many of us and continues to help me on this long journey that none of us wanted to be on. We all our so connected and miles apart. Thanks, Lana

[heathershope]

Mikesmum :.  I am sorry to hear about your brother.  I hope I never have to witness this tradgedy with anyone I love.  I wish no one would ever have to experience it again, but to know the pain that my loved one was experiencing would break my heart.  I 'm sure your brother gets that.  Heck, my heart now breaks when I read about complete strangers in the news paper.  Once you're in this family of grief, there are no complete stangers anymore, just new club members who's pain you know all to well.

I'm off to work.  Hve a good day everyone.

Terri

[mikesmomrs]

 

Terri:  That was such a sweet, loving thing for Heather to do for Madalyn…As Sherry said, as Madalyn gets older, she will definitely appreciate her precious aunt, who is surely watching over her now and will always.  What wonderful treasures of love await Madalyn!

During Mike’s last few weeks, he asked that I take him shopping for gifts for his boys and his wife, so they would have them at Christmas, just a few months away, after he was gone.  The day we planned to go, after we helped him shower and dress, he had a seizure and had to go back to bed and never was able to get out of bed again.  The next week, I went to the jewelry store and brought home 3-4 heart-shaped lockets (which is what he planned for Sarah) for him to choose from.  He chose a beautiful white gold heart, that had a cross positioned on the top of a mother of pearl inlay.  He chose "Always, Mike" to be engraved on it, and we had it done for him.  While it was being done, he told us that he wanted to give it to her as soon as we got it, and not wait for Christmas.  When it was ready, I brought it home, and we showed it to him and he loved it, but when Sarah got there, he was not cognizant enough to give it to her, and never regained his ability to communicate after that day...he died three days later.  But Sarah knew that he had selected it and planned it just for her.  

Thank you for sharing Heather’s gifts for Madalyn…those memories stay in our hearts forever. 

love and peace, carol  mikemomrs

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I have missed alot these past days as my computer is down and so I am writing at work. Bless all of you who are or have just been through an Angel date as I have not been able to communicate - I feel your pain.

I have found myself so lost with out talking to all of you, especially at night when Tavian is asleep, I usually go on right after and now I find myself wandering the house as I cannot talk!! New computer coming soon!!!

My husband's father is in the hospital in ICU - he went in on Wednesday for a simple procedure on his back, ended up with pneumonia and went into ICU during the night last night with fluid in his lungs. He has emphazemia so is not well anyway but my husband is taking it hard - have not heard any more since this morning so will have to wait to see.

I promise to be back on as soon as my computer is here - in the mean time I am thinking of all of you and sooooooooooo wish I could spend more time here.

Love to all - Kathy

[johnnysmama]

Terri and Carol

I can not imagine helping your child "prepare" to die. You must be the strongest, most amazingly loving people on earth. And your children thinking of others-how beautiful. I just wanted you to know how much their love for you and family struck me. When I think I have dealt with it all on this journey I hear of another thing people went through along with losing their child. Those items have to be the most precious of all. Thank you for sharing-really touched my heart.

 

I also can't thank everyone here enough-you all get me through and bring different gifts to the forum that help everyone on this journey. Because of you I know I can keep going and survive this nightmare.

 

Kathy

I am so sorry for your father in laws illness. I will pray for him. Know we are here to talk to about it. Hang in there,

Kay

[mikesmomrs]

Kay  thank you for your kind words...we never know what we can do until we have to...I know that I would have turned over the earth if I had to, just to grant any wish Mike had, especially during those last days, just as all of us who had to go through "helping our child die," as well as those of you who got the "phone call."  Had things been different for them you all, you would have responded accordingly...stretching yourself as far as possible, in constant prayer, giving, giving, giving, until your loved one's last breath...how could we do otherwise?  Thank you for your support throughout this journey---as many have said, it has been a lifeline to me many, many times.

Kathy:  I am so sorry about your father-in-law...my husband has COPD and during his last surgery, he had some severe problems also, I know your husband's anxiety, and your family, especially his dad, are in my thoughts and prayers. 

bBarbie:  I am thinking of you as you approach your sweet daughter's birthday...a hard day, but as others have said, and as I experienced myself having been through the first one, it seems the days leading up to it are worse than the actual day itself.  I know that your precious daughter will be with you and a I pray she will be able to gift you with a sign from her. 

Claudia:  I am so glad that your absence has been due to your being busy with your wonderful work and not illness...those who touch your life are blessed, as I am sure you feel blessed for the opportunity. 

We are such a part of each other's journey, we are all so fortunate to have been led to each other...as I truly believe we have, by our children. 

love and peace, carol   mikesmomrs

PS:  Terri, I know others have told you this before, but I just love that picture of Heather with the straw hat....she is just adorable. 

[daveydow1]

Heathershope, Terri,

You are so right about having the internet and places like BI to visit and

help us through the day or night in our grief.  When my baby girl died years

ago (1970) there was no internet and little else to give support such as we

have here. How I wish there had been a BI to turn to back then. I've been on

here 5 years---( 1 year just reading, and then started posting in ' 04).  It has

been a lifeline for me.  Your dear daughter, Heather's picture with the straw

hat is so cute.  Take care, friend.

                                 Daveysmom,    Sherry   

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol, Thank you!  I do feel very blessed with each group that travels through.  And what a beautiful locket and the story behind it...

I third the comment about the photo of Heather in the straw hat!! 

  

 

[shellbellsmom]

Hi All...I wish I could comment to everyone but just know I have read all your posts and they have helped me with this journey I am on.  My mind is too messed up this evening to keep everyone’s comments straight and I don’t want to offend anyone by getting people mixed up.   

Today I baby-sat my almost 8 year old nephew for the day.  He came over with a tee shirt on that said "Class Clown" and he wore it with such pride...he asked me to guess who got him the shirt.  I guessed wrong several times, and then he blurted out “Michelle” on my sixth birthday.  He said it was his favorite and he loves wearing it, but wishes he could wear it to school (he attends a Catholic school that wears uniforms).  So though she was unable to pre-plan or distribute special gifts to people as she didn’t know she was to died…she did leave little cherished gifts unknowingly to so many of us that we are so blessed for. 

She was an avid letter writer in this day in age where it’s almost a lost art.  And this she still did even though she was the queen of the inter-net with email, IM and face-book accounts, and she could have easily been a text messaging champion.  She wrote to relatives overseas…making sure to brighten their spirits, weekly letters to her grandmother (she saved them all) who lived many miles away and always made sure every gift she received followed with a handwritten thank you note. 

When she was in the hospital with her leukemia she still managed to send letters and thank you cards because she was unable to have many visitors. Several notes people received after she had passed away.  In the past 11 months I have received many emails, and notes from her friends and relatives expressing the comforting words she always wrote to them…some comments were that she had written them the most beautiful letter or she really helped me through a rough time…or she was there when I needed a friend.  These are the gifts she left us with…precious words on paper, yet she probably never knew how precious these gifts were.

These last few weeks have been extremely difficult…especially since my daughter’s angel date is almost a month away on July 21^st.  She was admitted into the hospital on June 14^th and never left the hospital alive…she was sick, but expected to live (90% chance).  I keep finding me reliving each day from last year…date she received her diagnosis, date of spinal taps, chemo-therapy ….and then her fall which was the downfall with her.  She never got better after that day July 5^th (at 1 am in the morning). I am dreading the fireworks on the 4^th- since that was our last good day. 

 

Now I am currently planning her Celebration of Life…which I am struggling with. I need to get some photo albums together to have on display and I just don’t have the strength to complete anything these days.  I had originally planned to do a video but now that seems like it will not happen.  Where you do get the strength to complete projects, tasks, and get through the days. I do appreciate reading everyone’s post on this board…it really does help (especially in the middle of night when I can’t sleep). Sorry I am rambling….I am a little more depressed then usual these days.  But seriously (her favorite word) how do you do it, and get through the days?

Take Care Everyone.  Sue (Michelle's mom)

* Picture is of my nephew Josh on his sixth birthday with my daughter Michelle and her BF at a baseball game.

[mamabets]

For briansdad~ RIGHT GREG!!!!! It seems like a long stretch, but we are all just taking baby steps. Four years ago today, 5 new people got new life, as my Danny's machines were turned off... His "shell" rests beautifully in a moseleum in Florida, and his spirit is here, there and everywhere, watching out for all of us and all of his new Angel Family of safe friends... The photo below looks like a HEAVENLY VIEW of one of the hospitals that he was in once...How it found it's way to my files, HMMMMMM.....MAGIC!!!!!

LOVE

mamabets

[4everjoeysmom]

Sue,  What you feel is not unordinary.  Truly!  Sometimes I am able to accomplish something start to finish, but most times I still lack the motivation I once had--the drive, the desire to do many things like writing, etc.  Joey's departure date will be 2 years July 31st.  At this point I have resigned to an understanding.  I don't puch myself so hard anymore, because when I have failed to meet my own expectations I would only become more distressed.  I am not purposely adopting unmotivated and lazy, but I am adopting "what will be will be".  What I am painfully aware of is that I have a lifetime to live with this void.  So if I accomplish something monumental to completion, such as a "Joey project", then how wonderful that is.  If it sits on a shelf for a while, so be it.  There is no timeframe that I have to follow to complete these projects--not for angel days or any other days.  Each day marks a day in a lifetime, for which the complete measure, I have no idea.  What I desire in my heart in terms of working on the Joey projects, they will be with me through my lifetime.  And when my life is over, I won't need to work on the Joey projects anymore.  I don;t measure whether or not I get them finished into categories of successes or failures.  It's mostly for me anyway.  I do desire to share Joey with others, and I do that by talking about him.  My heart and what it holds paints the most beautiful portrait of who he is.  It's kind of like taking photos of the beautiful landscapes, sunrises and so on.  No photograph (or video) portrays the complete beauty that my eyes behold.  It's the same with my heart.  It's a good likeness, but...   Anyway, how's that for rambling??  I don't even know if it makes much sense.  But I just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone in how you feel and in the physical affects as well of losing Michelle.  I feel the same way about Joey, and I am willing to speak up for many here who undoubtedly feel the same way as a result of saying goodbye too soon to their precious kids.  Big Hugs, Claudia 

[shellbellsmom]

Mamabets- what an awesome photograph! Thanks for sharing its beauty with us.

Claudia you make perfect sense and thanks for your comments.  I know I must also accept "what will be, will be"...and lighten up a bit. I am so hard on myself because this new me isn't what I am familiar with and I am afraid I don't like who I have become.  I pray this darkness with not last for an eternity....and I will find things joyful once again. 

I think I was paid a little visit today… I took these pictures of this yellow butterfly that stayed in my yard for over 20 minutes…It was on the ground for a long time then flew around the yard until it landed on my cherry tree.  My husband was just leaving for a business trip and he and my son spotted it, then told me to grab my camera…Earlier in the day I was just thinking how I hadn’t seen many butterflies in the last few days and all my flowers had just started to pop up like crazy.

Thanks to beautiful butterflies my day seems to be a little brighter. Sue

[kalimac]

Sue, you definitely got a message with the butterflies . . so sweet.

A friend gave me a childrens book called Tear Soup . . its very good . . you can also find 'tips' online on how to use the book . . out of all the 'messages' on there about this book the one thing that grabbed me was the simple statement "You deserve to feel happy again. Being happy doesn't mean you forget. Learn to be grateful for the good days."   Sue, you deserve to feel happy again . . and even though I am too just at the beginning of this process . . it is alright to be happy. So, enjoy those sweet butterflies . . I just know they were sent from your beautiful daughter to give you a smile.

http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/

Just a bit of comment about losing your child from cancer or suddenly. Human beings are amazing creatures . . in all honesty I did not know you could live in terror and fear but still have joy and happiness at the same time . . and simply . . that is what it was like having a child dying from cancer. You can tuck that terror, fear, unhappiness away for a later time and just totally focus on your child and how beautiful they are. There are so many, many precious moments we had in the month leading up to our sons death.  As sad and hard as that time was . . I am so grateful that I had that time with him. There was one moment when he was having difficulties standing and he had to drape his arms around my neck while a nurse helped him. I drank those moments in . . I can still feel his arms around me, feel his sweet warmth . . I can feel it.

There were also shared moments when he was dying . . some rather precious . . he was about six feet tall and I am a little under 5' 5" and yet he wanted to sit in my lap in the recliner one night. He just cuddled and hugged me tight and told me that he was ready to go to the stars . . right then but he didn't know how to do it. I just held him tight and gave him permission to go when he was ready. Of course, he than tried to get up and go find his shoes as he decided he was ready at that time.  He also asked me several times if he 'was an angel' yet.  I would not trade those moments in time for anything . . of course, I wish that he had not died . . but we all wish that . . but we had moments so precious, so beautiful to gether . . . Nathan was actively dying and laying on his bed with his Dad stretched out beside him. His Dad told him how much he loved him, and Nathan unable to speak reached his hand out, took his Dads hand, and squeezed it.  Just moments like that . . .earlier when he had been talking . . he related everything to video Gaming . . he kept trying to control the 'level' with his pain pump. He told us he didn't like the game level he was in and wanted to teleport to the next level.

So . . even though it was tough going through cancer, treatment, and dying . . we did have him for an additional three years pass diagnosis and it was a great joy for us to have that additional time.

The loss we all feel rather from sudden death or a slow cancer death . . the loss feels the same. I just want him back so bad . . not sick . . but healthy . . you all know what I mean. I miss him.

Hang in there, Sue!

Love,

Patty R

Mom to Nathan

11.13.87 - 2.11.08

PS - mamabets, I love that picture of the Falls! It does look magical.

[bbarbie55]

I've been doing so good at not getting upset but as Bobbi's birthday gets closer and the aniversary of her being gone for 14 months I miss her so much I can't call her anymore or go shopping or watch tv with her. I had a dream she was with me with her son and I felt complete again. My birthday is three days after hers I don't want it to come this year. I've come to realize shes gone and not coming back and I feel like I did when she first died is this normal I feel like I'm going crazy. I've been doing so well and now this I can't stop crying.

Deb

[shellbellsmom]

Deb, Hang in there like Patty said...I needed this advice as well.   This journey we are on is a long hilly road with many curves, bumps and stumps on our way.  We must just take the path slowly and deal with all the obstacles on our way...one at a time. 

I think for me I need to find the cause that will make me feel almost whole once again.  I started to get involved in the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and will do my small part in helping raise awareness to blood cancers. Today I will be at the finish line rooting on a friend who has been running a 100 mile race for cancer the last four days.  She has been running for my daughter Michelle and also Terri's daughter Heather...I know I can't run marathons like she can, but I can do my small part in helping others, and maybe by doing this I will help in my healing. 

Patty, one of my fondest memories of my daughter while in the hospital was just sitting with her at my computer and “stumbling”  to find beautiful photographs of some places we wish we could someday go and see.  In my head I imagine she is now traveling to those places and seeing all the beauty she missed while on earth.  Mamabet's photograph reminded me of that.  Thanks, Sue

[heathershope]

Deb:  My Heather has been gone for almost 14 months too and as you said it is just really starting to dawn on you that she is notcoming back.

All:  I am having a very hard time today with this concept.  I am going into a phase again where it is just too hard to even look at her pictures.  I know I was given the great advice many months ago from many of you to only look at one day at a time because to think in terms of forever is just too hard.  I try and follow this advice but I am not always successful. Today is one of my unsuccessful days.  It may be in part due to preparing for my Relay for Life next week and as Shellsbells mom, Sue, mentioned we are going to welcome a runner who is running in part to honor our daughters.  These kinds of events just bring it close to home that you are participating because your child is dead.  I am very lucky that I have someone so close by to share this experience with.  Sue and I belong to the same parent grief groups, and we talk and e-mail quite regularly.  It helps as much as it can but ultimately nothing can take away the pain.  Sue is approaching her first year anniverssary and I wish I could somehow magically make it not hurt for her as much as did for me, but I know I can't.  All I can do, all any of us can do is offer as much support as we can and be there as best as we can and ride this storm out together. But man this is the most ferocious storm in the history of the world.

Much thanks to those of you who commented on Heathers picture. I love the straw hat photo too...it captures her essence so well.  How could I not love and miss that little imp so much?

Terri

[ericasmom]

Deb, I don't know you yet, my name is Dee. My girl Eri, has been gone for almost 5 years now. Yes, it is normal when the facts of your situation slap you across your heart...the realization has been there, but I do believe the whole of the shock has worn away, and once we pass that year mark, we begin to feel in each step we take that no matter how many steps, we will always be on this path. And we will but as I have tried to assure others in the same place as you, it will become less horrendously painful one day. It will not always feel as it does right now, I swear. It was not until a bit after the second anniversary that my heart started to find ways to rebuild. There were many days when a photo, a song, a breeze, a bird's song, just undid me, and there  will always be days that are just too painful for words, but know that we all have them and they do hit like the biggest and ugliest storm on earth, the forces of which we have no control. While in this storm, drink extra water and antioxident juices to help your immune system as it takes a beating from our grief.

I need to ask for prayers Folks. I have not been on for a week because we have another sadness to deal with. My first husband, the father of ERica and Jontathan, has AML, luekiemia. My son lives with his Dad and came to our home last Saturday and broke down sobbing as he told us that his Dad is very sick and is going into thehospital right away. Two days later, Michael was i the hospital and will be there for 3-4 weeks, he is on day 5 of a very aggressive Chemo. I am so scared for him, knowing him, he hates hospitals. I am terrified for my Son, so scared he is losing another family member. So prayers for Michael to fight as hard as possible and prayers for my Jonathan, strength and a continued faith. After Eri died, I was so scared that Jon would lose any will to live or to be careful...he has found his way and I so worry that he will lose his faith if he continues to lose people early. I know I can't do a damn thing about it, but Boy, every summer since my girl left, we have had sadness knock at our door.

I have missed all of you and have not read more than the most recent two posts, so I will read and see all that I have missed in the week. I hope that everyone is doing well, as well as you can, and that somehow, you are feeling your strength.

Dee

[ericasmom]

Sue, I have photos like yours, those are yellow swallowtails, love them, and they are a lovely and magical way that I too have been made to believe in the beauty all around again. It is normal to not see , not hear all that is around you, but it is lovely isn't it, when it forces itself on you like the butterflies. It is as though our angels are saying,

"HEY, RIGHT HERE FOR HEAVENS SAKE< LOOK!"

Peace out

[ericasmom]

Dearest Claudia,

I have missed you and while I have to be brief here, what you said makes perfect sense, not rambling at all. Tehre are no time limits on what we accomplish or don't, we have learned this through our ache, our losses. We do what we can in the time frame that works for us on any given day. Each day, even sad and dark ones, a gift.

My heart

dee

[daveydow1]

Bbarbie55, Deb,

My thoughts and prayers are for you at this very difficult time on this

rough journey we're on. I believe that the period you are in is particularly

agonizing, because as you have said---the horror of the loss hits you in

the face & heart, that this is reality. Very hard to deal with, indeed. Take

care of yourself, friend, and come to BI as often as you feel the need. We

are here for you.  Peace & comfort.

                                 Daveysmom,   Sherry

[johnnysmama]

Dee

I am so sorry you are going through so much. I will def keep Michael, Jonathon and you in my prayers. Keep us posted.

 

Sue and Mamabets-Thank you for the uplifting pictures. Sue, i too believe in signs and messengers from our children. I think birds, butterflies and the like are easier for our loved ones to send us. It makes me think and look at the worls with whole new eyes.

 

Claudia- have missed your gifts to our forum.

 

Peace and hugs, Kay

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I decided to try my computer tonite and it has allowed me to come on - miracles do happen as I have missed all so much and am not used to not being able to come on here - I have not caught up on all the postings but will do so. Hopefully new computer will be here soon.

Dee - I am so sorry for your first husband, you and Johnathan - I will certainly say extra prayers for you and yours. I know the pain you must be feeling for your son as another loss or just the thought of one can devastate you all over again. You post so beautifully and give me and all others, I am sure, so much with your words and now I hope we can all be there for you.

Sue - I do not really know you either as Dee has said but I will as time goes on. I am feeling your pain of the Angel Date of Michelle coming on July 21st - that is my Jessica's birthday, she would be 29 this year. Jessica was also an avid letter writter as well as keeping journals for many years - I recently came across a card she had written to my mom and dad that she never got the chance to send so I sent it for her.   As for "how do we do it and get through the days" - I still do not know sometimes and it has been 2 years 4 months and 4 days since Jessie left us - I do know that it has become softer and I can now have days of beauty and laughter and talk of Jessica without breaking down every time, however there are days when I look in the mirror and ask myself "how are you doing this, how do you keep turning the pages of your life each day without your Jessica?" - well there is no answer as to how we do it, we just do. I am blessed to have Tavian in our lives, my daughter's child to raise, to love and to cherish every moment I have with him - although there are days when I do not know how I am doing for him the way I do either. I believe the first year we are still in such shock and denial that our minds do not allow us to think of things such as favorite words, food, songs and the list goes on but as time passes I find that I am slowly remembering alot of things I did not want to think about in the beginning - my life, as all here, will never be the same, it is now "life after Jessica" and I hate that. There is no set time or date for any of us as to how we move on or the things that we accomplish - I have been trying to do a memory book and have started to go through pictures until I become overwhelmed and I put them away for another day when I have the strength to continue. Please know that we are all here for you and will help in any way we can, I would be lost sometimes without being able to get the comfort and strength that I have found here among people I have never met but have so much in common with. I also wanted to tell you that I understand that when you say "you are not familar with who you are now and you do not like what you have become" - I have been there, maybe we all have. Losing a child does change who we are in so many ways and there are times when I am not sure who I am anymore and have not liked some of the things I have done or said but have come to realize it is all a part of the journey we are on, part of the grieving cycle and one day I knew that I needed to accept who I am now as I will never be the person I was before Jessica left us so suddenly yet at the same time I have become a much better person, I have opened my heart to others on this journey and hope that in some way I can give them strength and hope. I also do not take anything for granted anymore and try each day to do something good whatever if may be. I am grateful for all that I had with my daughter, for all the wonderful memories and the enormous joy she brought to us for 26 years but I still want her back and always will. I will always have my "dark" days of despair and total meltdowns, mad at the world for a while, look at Tavian and ask "why" but I accept that also. My daughter was my world, my life, me best friend and I will never get over losing her but I will keep her memory alive. I pray for you and hope that you keep posting. Wow, sorry about all the rambeling!!

Thank you to all for the prayers for my father-in-law, he has actually improved some what and that is a good sign but his doctor wants to do a trach to help him breathe better as his oxygen level is about 50 percent but he will not allow it. Yesterday morning he gave his doctor his DNR so it is what it is. He will be 80 in October and has lived a good long life yet we are not ready to let him go but it is in God's hands so we pray. My mom went into the hospital last night with the same thing as my father-in-law but not as bad. She has fluid in her lungs and diffaculty breathing but there are saying she will be fine, she had not been taking her medicine so the docotr was quite upset with her and gave her a stern talking to. I will be going to see my mom and dad in September so hope all is well until I can get myself and Tavian there.

I miss you all and will hopefully be able to get back on regularly and post some new pictures I have of Tavian - he graduates from kindergarden on Wednesday, another day that I so wish that Jessica was here - but I am counting on my butterfly to show up!!

Love to all and again to Greg - the video is amazing and I have shown it to some of my friends and they have cried and laughed with me so thank you again.

Sleep well my friends. Kathy

 

[mikesmum]

Bbarbie55 - You were one of the many I remember when I came to be here.  My thoughts are with you as you come to Bobbi's birthday.......sorry I missed her Angel day.  

The pictures of the butterflies, the mysterious appearance of the overhead shot of what seems to be an awe inspired waterfall near the hospital most definitely a "hey I'm here".  No words, just beautiful natural imagery.

Dee - So sorry to hear about Michael and Jonathon.  Hope the diagnosis and treatments have been made in the early stages....always a better place to attack!   My thoughts, energies and prayers to you and yours as you face yet another challenge in this journey....Eri I am sure is never far away with her own energies for her mum.

I am in my 18th month without Mike.  We are June birthday babies, something I miss, He was someone who really got the winter birthdays!!  I  find it hard lately.  Some of the pain is easing, I am now left with such sadness. As a child, as a teenager and as a young adult, Mike seemed to have that knack of reading his mum and getting her when others tried and failed.....I really miss that, I really miss Mike........

Take Care all of you..........Your truly are the interpretors of signs, the strength that never fails, the spirits of those who know......Thank you - Trudi

 

 

[lagrangel]

Dee,

I will be praying for your son and his father. I hope your son can spend some special time with his dad even while he is going through treatment. He made need to have that special time with him. I know it is so hard more sadness.  I told my husband we have lost two more youngs boys in our town in the last month and it just breaks my hear becasue I know the hurt the family is going through. Prayers to you and your family, Lana

[ericasmom]

Thank you Lana, thank you everyone for your kind hearts in thinking of Michael and of my Son, Jon.

I am going to bed to rest my weary bones but I just want each of you to know that as Terri said so beautifully, I am so very grateful for the ways all of you give your support and your immediate understanding. There really is nowhere else that I can feel so 'heard'. I sit and nod my head up and down when I am reading your posts, knowing what you are saying is so, having been there or imagining being there. I weep along with your message because I know very well what you are saying, what you are feeling, and what it feels like to know that the folks reading this will get it. We are each others connection to this world and I feel blessed by knowing you.

Sweet dreams All,

Dee

[mamabets]

For ericasmom~ I hope this helps...My mother's cousin got AML TWICE and is perfectly healthy today...I promise.

No picnic, I can assure you, but he licked it. Apparently, a rather high rate of fixing , as long as it does not recur- Richard's, did, so prognosis was not so good, but he is alive and well today, going on 3 years.... He is 60 ish.....

What hospital do they have him in? I think that Richard was in one in Chicago-

My oldest sister was VERY informed on every step of his getting to wellness, so please don't hesitate to ask and we will get your networkers working.

Just found out that her daughter's 6 year old Lab has lymphoma...Such a young, STRONG, otherwise healthy animal...We are all so sad...This past week marked 4 years for Danny, so it has been a roller coaster...You just never know....

Is your ex remarried??

LOVE

mamabets

1027orangeliliesgodbless.bmp

[mamabets]

For bbarbie~ When it comes to the spiritual and "visions", anything is possible. If you "saw" Bobbie healthy and strong, then you did. Danny visits often, and he is VERY strong and healthy.....We "strolled the streets of gold" together on May 3 of this year~ VERY significant.....

Never doubt when the eyes see something so special... I never doubted his being here prior to his accident, I certainly won't now!!!!! My doctors agree, as I have so many "heart" pictures. Scrapbooks that have brough tears to their eyes...Honestly~

BELIEVE, BELIEVE, BELIEVE!!!! xoxoxoxo

LOVE

mamabets

[shellbellsmom]

Dee, my prayers go out to your son Jon and Michael.  AML is very curable but he will have to endure long rigorous treatments to get healthy again.  Lots of love and support will be needed to get through this disease so please emphasis to your son Jon to be there for him.  My daughter developed complications shortly after her diagnosis of ALL (Leukemia) but we have met many others who have survived to tell us their stories of hope.  And remember Michael will have a very special angel “Erica” watching over her father.

One thing I would suggest to him would be to become members of the “The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society” in his area as they have many resources available to him.  Many people struggle with their jobs after a leukemia diagnosis so let him know they offer financial assistant, (co-pays, gas mileage to and from doctor and chemo appointments) they also have a wide supply of educational material available to help you while you are being treated.  I am very active in my area and see the benefits this organization provides to sick patients and their families.  I will keep both Michael and your son Jon in my prayers.

Kathy, thanks for your comments…I too (not sure if I mentioned this before) came across several cards that my daughter wrote and mailed after she died.  Now I am working on making (for a fundraiser) note-cards with photographs she took, with all proceeds benefiting the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.  She always asked for note cards for gifts and never could have enough stamps.  She took some awesome photographs…so I thought what better way could I keep her memory alive and share her gifts.  *This however is another one of those projects that seem to keep getting set aside for later.  Maybe I can work on them some today.

Terri- Thanks for going with me yesterday….Suzanne K. was very moved that we showed up to support her efforts, and I didn’t want to go alone.   

Take Care,

Sue (Michelle our little Shell bells Mom)

[4everjoeysmom]

I think it’s wonderful “finding a cause” to engage in.  I had already found my calling just months before Joey died.  But I never imagined how much my perspective and the focus of my cause would change and be molded to include a more specific direction.  I do want to say, though, that my “cause” does not exactly fill the whole that has been left by Joey’s absence.  I don’t think I will ever feel completely whole again.  But I think that’s the irony of being able to do what I do in a way that I could never have imagined before tragedy broke me.  I truly have become broken, but in my brokenness I have become more aware and open to being able to truly reach out and accomplish things for a greater purpose than solely the task of seeking wholeness for myself.  In what I do, while I may not find that personal wholeness, (I don’t know that I am meant to), I find joy and fulfillment in the simple things that are accomplished—seemingly simple to me because of my prior perspective, but truly great for those who are affected and changed by the work I am involved in.  Many of them find a wholeness or near-wholeness, and I get to watch that happen.  It blesses me and helps me to accept my own position.  I have my up and down days, but when my focus is shifted from me to working toward good for others, that is when I know that Joey leaving here has not been nor ever will be in vain.  I may never feel complete, but my purpose in life is more complete now than ever before, and I can settle for that in the empty hollow.

The hurdles are so tough on this journey.  I can’t imagine what it is like to be part of the purpose for a cause vs. the cause being a purpose for me—or maybe both.  There must be an enormous bittersweet in knowing another child may be saved by the efforts of the cause, but the means to the end did not arrive soon enough to save your child.  That’s why his or her photo and name stands in front of the cause.  My heart goes out to you Sue and Terri.  You both are so blessed to have found one another for the support that you give one another.  I imagine how proud both of your daughters must be for the courage their moms take on to face those hurdles.  You truly are inspirations to others, and in that you have no idea how much you help others to jump their hurdles as well.  Today may be difficult to look at pictures.  But the days will come again when you will find warmth when you see her precious smile.  Perhaps in your smile her smile can also be seen...

Dee, I’m so sorry your children’s father is not well and how very difficult that is for your son.  There is so little we can do or say when trial upon tragedy comes to a person and we stand helplessly by watching the dam break.  There aren’t enough sandbags in the world to stop the flood of pain.  My heart is breaking just thinking about the pain you carry for your son’s hurt, and for what your son is going through as well.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son, as I so wish there was more I could do….  

Kay, thank you for your sweetness!! 

To ALL, Big HUGS, Claudia

[daveydow1]

Ericsmom, Dee,

My thoughts & prayers are for Michael and Jon. Bless them, and may

Michael respond to his treatment.  Peace to all of you.

Daveysmom,   Sherry

[summergirl]

Sue - Note cards with photographs that Michelle took sounds so beautiful - what a wonderful way, as you say, to keep her memory alive and share her gifts. It is going towards a wonderful cause and even though it is hard it will hopefully give you some peace in a way. I have thought about doing a fund raiser and have spoke of it here before - there is a camp called "Camp Good Grief" for children who have lost a parent or sibling that they do every year beginning July 21st for one week, it is run only by donatations received - so I am going to do a "Jessie Fest". I have spoken to the woman who runs it and she is very excited. I am going to have balloons with paper and pencils for everyone to write a note on and I will have a donation box for people to put in what they want, there will be no set amount. I have spoken to many of Jessica's friends and they are very excited about doing something in her memory and for such a good cause. I am a little overwhelmed by it all but I know that with all the people behind me and all of you on BI talking me through it I will do okay.   My sister's name is Sue also - we are very close but unfortunately we live 1300 miles apart but speak twice a week by phone and e-mails. Stay strong and keep posting.

Trudi - 18 months without Mike - we can never seem to not think of the amount of time we are without our children. When someone askes me how long since Jessica has been gone I can tell them the exact years, months and days without hesitation. It is something I sometimes hate but know that it will always be so. Today Tavian brought home all of his school projects as this is the last week of school for him, I found  a letter he had written about "mommy" - it says:

[align=center]My mommy likes to put make-up on[/align]

[align=center]My mommy likes to go to the mall[/align]

[align=center]My mommy likes to go in the car[/align]

[align=center]My mommy has the most beautiful hair in the world[/align]

[align=center]I love my mommy.[/align]

[align=left]I laughed through my tears realizing that he remembers more than I think, more than he says - I am going to frame it.   He told me today that he is my son but he is his mommy's son-son - so amazing how he thinks for a 6 year old.[/align]

[align=left]I am going to post a picture of the new Tavian - a little story behind it first. He went to his grandmothers on Father's day weekend and his disneyland dad came down for a cook out and spend some "quality" time with Tavian. On Monday I went to pick him up from school and this is what he now looks like.[/align]