Loss of an Adult Child

[mamabets]

For briansdad~ Whoa....A little too close to home is right...:X

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For heartbeataway~ Just in the nick of time, you find yourself reading about "orbs"...They are quite fascinating, and yes, I am a true believer....These are orbs in this picture!!!!

Anxious to hear on the house. I think a move is a good thing if you can wing it, Bonnie!! Absolutely!!! A new place to putter!!!

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

[mamabets]

For All~ Here is an amazing orb over my sister's 3 grandbabies...

[mamabets]

For All~ Same "sitting", no orb!!!

[shellbellsmom]

Heartbeataway,  that is an awesome image…if you do get the house keep us posted on any unusual activity that happens in that room…it would make a perfect sanctuary to relax, mediate, or just read in. 

Briansdad, I get a terrible feeling inside of me every time I read/hear of a tragic accident or illness that took a person that was way too young to died, as was all of ours.  Just last month 2 young teens in our area lost their lives to an automobile accident.  It just breaks my heart all over again.  Especially since we all here…know the pain the parents are experiencing.

Mamabets- What beautiful little grandchildren your sister has...so precious with an angel watching over them.  Here is a picture that was taken of my daughter 3 months before she died in Savannah GA while on vacation.  She was walking down this street...obviously not alone.  There are several in the image but the most prominent one is just below her "pink" purse.  Its good to know we are being watched over at times.

[shellbellsmom]

Speaking of pictures here is one my daughter Michelle took in a high school photography class.  She gave it to her grandfather as a gift…in the image is a face in the clouds just above the first steeple on the left side.  There are actually 2 more but really hard to see without blowing it up.  We always told her she was being watched…by her guardian angels. 

Now I wonder at times if she ever had any premonitions about an early death….we never spoke of any but she never could pin-point what she really wanted to do in life.  When I asked her she would say “why is it so hard to figure out in life what you are suppose to do. “  Maybe she wasn’t meant to know because her job wasn’t going to be down here on earth.  Just a thought I ponder at times. 

[heartbeataway]

The pictures are great! 

Shellsbellsmom,  The picture is beautiful!  We ran across a picture that Jason had taken in photography class also.  It was signed by him and framed.  I actually wondered if he knew he would go sooner than us also.  Looking back, I felt like he prepared us in a way.

Mamabets,  Your sisters grandchildren are precious! 

We really want the house badly but we also know that you don't always get what you want ............ we still have our fingers crossed!

The picture is of my sister's grandchildren taken this past Monday evening .........

[kalimac]

I had never heard of 'orbs' before I came here and saw them in the pictures . . so I went back and looked through all my old shots . .but still couldn't find one. I want an orb . . anyway . .

Yesterday was Nathan's interment . . he died in February and because we live in Maine we had to wait for spring for burial. We decided to keep it very simple and invited only close family and friends. We also decided to go with orange, yellow, and pearl white balloons and a simple farewell at the cemetery.

What a glorious, sunny day it was too . . everyone got two or three balloons, each had forget me not seeds and a slip of paper with Nathan's memorial dates tucked inside, people wrote messages on the balloons, and than one at a time they were released . . let go into the clear and bright blue sky. We all watched in silence as the balloons rose steadily and drifted peacefully further and further away, until they were just dots, and than finally we could not see them any longer. Very beautiful and uplifting at the same time. There were more smiles than tears. It was a good farewell . . .

And, about those orbs? Well . . my husband did take some pictures of the balloons being lauched . . his mother couldn't attend so he wanted to send her some images. When I was searching for orbs in the pictures we took yesterday . . there indeed was something that showed up . . not an orb . . but in the bottom center of this picture is half an aura . . of something . . what you cannot see below this image is Nathan's gravesite . . the exact spot. When I saw this it gave me chills and smiles at the same time. I'm not sure what I think . . but I love this picture now. All the other pictures were clear . . and I've never seen another like this on any photo we've taken.

[daveydow1]

Summergirl, Kathy,

Your camping trip sounds so relaxing, and the photos are lovely--especially

the one with the angel wing and the "orb".  I'm glad that little Tavian got

over the puppy incident. Yes, kids do quickly tire of puppies and kittens

and you did the right thing by not accepting it. The people should not have

brought the puppy without asking you, of course, but you handled it well.

Tavian is a darling child, and he seems to know, already, that you love him

and want what is best for him.  Peace to you.

                                        Daveysmom,    Sherry

[shellbellsmom]

Kalimac,

I think you got something better than an orb...that purple aura which is glowing above your son’s gravesite is spectacular...and a definite sign he was with you.

 

[johnnysmama]

greg

it sure does-thats the way my son died-the same age too...

[johnnysmama]

I am loving the orb pics-keep them coming. I haven't gotten one yet but would love to.

[mikesmum]

[user=19579]kalimac[/user] - a purple aura, that is something amazing.  Nathan's energy reflected in such strength.

Bonnie - Orbs waiting for you.  Its an amazing picture.......The house looks great. Keep us posted.

Mammabets - Grandbabies, the next generations, generation.  Perfect pic of the orb over these precious children.  Same picture no orb...."just popped in to let you know I am still around". 

Thats what happened when I took the pic of James and his girlfriend. Took heaps in the same spot of the younger son, Mal and boy, the boys and their mother but no orb.  Cause its on the dark suit, I wonder if Mike, knowing I'm a camera nut made sure 'the background' was perfect.

Greg - Too close.  Another young man with a brilliant future he worked hard to achieve, lost to so many in the blink of an eye.   Hold tight, Brian and his 'new dream team' are there for him.........

Kathy - we have a slogan here for the RSPCA - A puppy is for life not just for Christmas.  Perhaps the Disneyland Day needed to know that in relation to a child....as we all know, not just for life, but forever....

Take Care - Trudi

 

[briansdad]

Yeah that's exactly the way Brian died.I'm meeting with a Missouri State Rep. tomorrow to try to get the law changed that before you can even get on a bike you have to complete a safety course.As it is now if you can get the loan and take a simple written test you can get on a bike that can go over 120 miles an hour.THAT is so wrong.

[4everjoeysmom]

Greg, I agree with you.  Illinois does not have mandatory safety courses either.  I'm really thankful my son Patrick used his own good judgement to enroll in and complete safety and driving instruction courses through the university before buying his motorcycle.  It's still dangerous with all of the careless drivers out there that do not pay attention.  But at least he had strong lessons in defensive driving tactics as well as sound instruction on consequences of careless motorcycle handling.  It's a natural propensity for young people to want to go fast on fast machines.  It's just so dangerous, and too many lives are claimed that way.  You're a good man for trying to do something to enforce safety training so that other young lives can be spared.  No matter the outcome, I'm sure Brian is super proud of his dad.  ~Claudia

[mikesmum]

Greg - Here its a little different.  You actually have to ride a bike followed by and instructor as well as pass the written.  Problem is its not always the bike they ride once they are licenced.  There are courses that learners are encouraged to take, but again, its not a mandatory part of the licencing.

Same for young drivers here.  They have two years where they are on Learner plates.  They must have a fully licenced person beside them.  They are encouraged to have a certain amount of hours up in various conditions, but its not mandatory.  Many die in the first months of having obtained a licence. 

I have written to the Transport Accident Commission, The Government (all areas) in an attempt have this reviewed.  If the kids have 2yrs there should be a 'course' or structured levels that have to be met before they can move on to becoming licenced.  Many rely on mum and dad for their hours, but many mums and dads lack the skills need to teach these young people the defensive driving that may just save their lives......but I bet I am preaching to the choir!  Wish you all the luck in the world.....it takes one persistent voice ..........Trudi

[johnnysmama]

Greg and everyone-

I agree with you totally. Johnny was SUPPOSED to have the safety course before riding. So, the boys(4 in all) hid their bikes off base from the army because they didn't.  The day Johnny died he was by himself-drove his car to the storage unit, got on his bike and 10 minutes later hit the back of a semi truck. They say he wasn't too far over the speed limit(which was 55-they think he was going about 60) but he made a move that an inexperienced rider would make and didn't have the skills or training to get out of it. The boys said they were waiting for the course-only held occasionaly but couldn't wait to ride as they needed an escape from their training to go to Iraq.  The army did come down hard on those boys. johnny's death was Johnnys fault though. Not intentional-just an accident. 

So. the course may have saved his life. Who knows? They say he wasn't a reckless rider. He always had his helmet on. His helmet rolled off and he died of head trauma. He did promise me he would always wear it.  The people I see riding with no helmet scare me A LOT. Johnny was always a risk taker and a free spirit. Not surprised he didn't take the course-very sad but not surprised. He was 21 and thought he was invincible.

His dad and I live with the pain of that free spirit everyday. Not mad at him just wish it would have had a different outcome as we all do. The worst part for his Dad is that he cosigned on the bike for him. He is still working on the guilt of that. Johnny had been a difficult teen and was doing so good though-we wanted to help him. He was doing well in the army, getting engaged, being a real sweetheart to all.

Sorry I rambled, Greg and everyone. We are all in pain here. Take care and thanks for reading.

Kay

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Kay, I feel so sad for your husband carrying that guilt.  You know, Johnny wanted that bike, and he would have found a way to have it.  It's natural for us to assume some guilt when we lose a child, because we are their parents.  We are supposed to be able to protect them.  But reality is that we can't hover over them.  They are free spirits, as you said.  I know Joey fot that description easily.  When they grow up we have to let them fly on their own.  They have the comfort in knowing we love them and that they can come to us for help if they want and need it.  That really is the best we can offer them....  Hugs, Claudia

[mikesmum]

Kay - It is hard, our children see themselves as invincible based on the principle it will never happen to me.  I look back to when we were growing up.  We were no more cautious, in fact, it really is a miracle that more weren't killed on the roads.  We didn't have seatbelts, roads weren't the best, safety helmets were thought to be an optional extra.

Much of the guilt we feel when we lose our child is as Claudia says is based on the ideal that we are the parents our job is to protect them, keep them safe.  The would have, could have, should have, to co sign for the loan - thats all a  parent thing. 

Your son sounds like and earth bound free spirit, loved and cherished, as many who die so young are.

Take care - Trudi

[summergirl]

Sherry - thank you - I know I made the right decision about the puppy but I still am trying to get past the heartbreak I saw in his face - but he is happy now that grandma kept "Bambi", that is what he named her. Why are there so many deadbeat dad's in this world? No answer.

Kay - I know the feeling of guilt as I am sure alot of us do - your husband will in time find a way to overcome it. Many times I have asked, and still do, why I didn't push Jessica harder to go to just one more specialist, make them keep her when we went to the emergency room with chest pains instead of letting them send her home because "she was fine" - I am slowly realizing that no matter what I did or did not do it was my Jessie's time to leave this earth - I believe when you go it is your time, not the way or how we go but the time.

The orbs all have posted are so beautiful and bring such a peace to my heart - the energy of so many angels shinning through to us in their way. I will post some more as right now it has been "one of those days" and I am weary so will try to rest.

Hugs and love to all - Kathy

[ericasmom]

Hello Everyone,

Here in Chicagoland we had a perfectly lovely spring day. Blue skies, garden blooming and birds singing all day and into the night. In fact as I settled to sleep last night there were 4 hoots from an owl. Not sure what kind yet, though I am certain it was not a Great Horned Owl, which do live near here. I am a bird lover, feel they offer so many distractions, reminders of what is magical...

Greg, good luck with the safety commission, I hope that they will listen. I know in fighting the Railroad, we did nto get too far due to its being funded by Federal Government. I am happy however, with the way the city of Kalamazoo responded to our tragedy. We took them to court along with Amtrak and because of so much anger over the configuration of the tracks in that town, and positioned between 2 college campusses, the city lawyers and representatives figured they should settle with us by doing what we asked and that was to start construction immediately. They reconfigured 5 stops in town, all of hem heavily vistied by young people going to fast food stops on either side of the tracks. It feels important to fight for reform, or for change so that noone else need die that same way. Once our case was finally over in all of the courts back in February...I felt like I didn't have anything to fight anymore. I felt rather empty and I know Erica's dad did too. At-least with it all going on, we knew we still were involved in defending her honor. And then after a bit of time, I felt lighter, and I felt her presence quite strongly. I think she was letting us know that it is time to let go of the fight and find other causes in the world in which to be fueled. She is my little angel activist.

Kay, the guilt thing is a piece of all of this. No matter how our children left this Earth, we all feel there should have been something I could have done to prevent it...I should have stayed on the phone for perhaps one more minute and perhaps that minute would have delayed her drive to Jimmy Johns by the fraction of a moment it would take to not be hit by the train. It was a bit of time before I could give that up, let it go...

Just tonight I took my after dinner walk and went up on the platform where the trains come and go. Don't know why I went there tonight, melancholy I guess. Anyhow there were three kids playing there, unchaperoned and footloose. They jumped off the platform and began walking on the tracks. I asked them to please come back, that they should not be there. They did not really respect this old woman talking to them and so I said, "look, my daughter died on the tracks, it happens real fast, it is not cool." They looked at me adn walked up to the platform. The youngest, (about 9)_asked, "you mean she got hit by a train and died?" I shook my head and he said, "sorry lady"

NOw, I did not tell them she was in a car at a broken light in Michigan...I do think that they will stay off the tracks.

Hey, I will be looking at the photos, especially the two that came out on the roll I shotand the last two were of ERi and her friends the last time I saw ERI. The two pics were the only ones of 36 to come out at all, and they seemed all hazy, almost fog covered. All 34 of the other photos were of garden flowers, relatives. Just Eri came out. Magic!

Sleep well all,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Why are there so many deadbeat dad's in this world? No answer.

Kathy - I guess they have a different perception or definition of 'dad'.  Mikes dad (a card carrying Disneyland Dad/Deadbeat), took off after Steven was born.  He made no contact for 2yrs then took me to court.  He didn't know that meant he would have to pay some child support!! 

He saw the kids maybe 3 times that next year and paid $20.  But on each of those visits they came home with heaps of toys, lollies, full of Macca's.  They were 2,3 & 4.  He made the great return when Mike was 17.  They met and spoke for awhile.  Mike asked me to be there.  His explanation for why we weren't a family was 'too young, too many kids too hard'.  (oh yeah, no way close to the truth.)  IDIOT.

He came back for Mikes funeral.  Introduced himself as 'Mikes Dad'.  No o ne knew him.  He gave Melissa and Steven his number (he has been retired awhile).  Melissa discounted him outright.  Too much time had past.  Steven still reeling from losing his brother called this IDIOT.  He was busy, couldn't talk, but was there if Steven needed him.

As sad as it is - Steven truly gets why we weren't a family.....I am sure Tavian, given his gene pool will understand too.....Take care..

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, Joey was NOT in a car...  Either way, the tracks are not a playground, as you said, and are very dangerous.  You did a good thing to warn those kids.  Hopefully the thought of someone's daughter dying there will ring loudly if they decide to visit the tracks again.

On deadbeat dads...  They come from all walks of life.  Joey's birth dad was my first love, and he came from a very wealthy family.  His parents, while nice to my face, viewed me as not much above a parasite from the wrong side of the tracks, so to speak.  When they got news that I was pregnant, they sent him off to college in a state across the country, never answering calls or letters.  I was 18 at the time, living with my parents, no job, and getting aid for Joey's formula and diapers while this guys and his family had multi-millions.  It doesn't matter whether the deadbeat is poor, rich, whatever--a deadbeat is a deadbeat, period!  I guess it will truly and forever be his loss that he never knew Joey...  No matter how hard any of the years were in raising Joey, it truly was MY GAIN in knowing him.  So I can't hate the birth dad.  He contributed to one of the best gifts this life ever gave me.  I just wish knowing the truth hadn't been something that hurt Joey.  Those feelings of being "rejected" for whatever reason...    It's the worst repurcussion of knowing a deadbeat dad--the pain the child inherits............... 

[heartbeataway]

4everJoey'sMom,

Jason's birth father was also a 'deadbeat".  He lied about his actions and gained some of my family's approval.  Those that approved of him, rejected me.  It didn't matter that he had drank too much and had numerous affairs, gave me black eyes and bruised handprints on my arms. Didn't matter that he signed his child away because, "if I didn't have to pay child support, I could buy a new truck". It didn't matter that he lied and said we "tricked" him into the adoption. He brought the idea up, went before a court appointed person and legally signed his rights away and also paid for everything............. they still believed him over me.  I think it would be almost impossible to trick someone into an adoption.  There are laws that have to be followed.  A lawyer handled the proceedings and we had a home study like any other adoption.

None of that mattered.  I, like you, got the most important element. Jason was also my first priority. I was willing to endure alot to ensure his happiness. I was blessed to meet and marry someone who loved Jason as though he were his ...... he did become his in every sense of the word.

Jason's birth father has no idea what a fine, successful young man Jason became. He did come to his Memorial and he shed a few tears. I wonder if they were for the loss or the regret.

My own parents were not going to come to Jason's Memorial ....... imagine that. He loved them so much.  It's been 13 months since he died and I've not had one phone call from them.  Jason was such an important part of our life, a sense of family that I prayed and longed for.  A void in our family that will never be filled.

Do these "deadbeat" Dads feel any pain? Do they suffer the loss?  Do they grieve?  Are they on this journey also?   I often wonder .......

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

Jay, We're excited and nervous about our move to Virginia.  You would love the property we've chosen.  You were suppose to be there too. Life is very bittersweet right now. That's the name we're thinking of for the property.  "Bittersweet Landing"  Do we make you proud?  Missing you ............ Loving you ............ Longing for you ..........  M&D

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - Love the note to Jay.  I wondered about the biological dad that shows up to the funeral, but missed the main game. 

The day of Mikes funeral he and his family came.  His sisters, their kids, his mum and his partner of 25yrs.  For me they stood out.  In a crowd that had known Mike from birth, thru school, into adolescence an onto a dad they just didn't fit.  And it showed.  He came back to our house.  Bought his partner and his mum, now aged with parkinsons.  She had always stayed in touch, her heart clearly shattered.  He had no stories, no memories, just those words....I'm Mikes dad, which confused many....no one had heard of him.

Do they regret it? I guess in some way, on a very superficial level.   But the connection for those who stayed for the whole game, or who even joined in at various time is so much more.  They are the ones who get where you are now......who  miss Mike now for all he is in their lives.....not a minute on the radar that was too much to handle..........Mine, well he retired at 40.  Mike (19) asked me how he could retire when we (my husband & I) were still both working full time....It was like an epiphany!  He neve paid child support all those years.  My son got it, albeit at a cost. 

For me, he missed being part of the most wonderful, awful, amazing, enlightening and enriching time, Mikes Life.  The firsts, the tears, the accomplishments - seeing this boy become a man.  Dressed in a suit escorting a 'Debutant'.  He danced her around the floor all night.  It was his eighteenth birthday!  A cameo at the memorial was all he got......

Hey Micheal Shane - Its bitterly cold despite the suns attempts. I miss you my son.  The memories of days gone by are stronger, the ache in my heart remains.......c u on the 4th?  Love ya mum.

[summergirl]

Hello to all - very weary tonight from working in my Jessica Garden all day but wanted to check on my friends.  Tavian's father has produced two more children since Tavian - the second one he has also choosen not to be a father to and I am not sure about the third one - I only heard a rumor that he was engaged to her and they were expecting!! I try hard to ignore it but it creeps in now and then along with anger and hurt.  I remember the day Jessica passed and he came to the house with two people I did not know, in fact I did not know who he was until my sister-in-law told me and all I could do was just look at him and the next thing I remember is asking my friend to tell him and his friends to leave. At the wake he came up to me and knelt down on his knees in front of me and I had no words for him, he just looked at me and then left, he did not attend the funeral. The next time I saw him he came to the house with his mother and told me he was going to let us "keep Tavian" for as long as we wanted but "he might want him someday" - I replied "if you ever try to take him from us we will take you to court for custody" and we did and we won, he signed over his son to us as though he were nothing more than "a mistake" in his life. Well that mistake is our savior and although I dislike his father I am thankful every day for Tavian and that he was brought into this world and had the love of his mommy and the love we now give him - someday he will be able to make his own choice about his father and we will be there to support him as we are now. It is just hard to think it is one more "hurt" he will have to endure.

Love to all -my weary bones are calling for some rest. God Bless you all - Kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, So sad that your family couldn't see clearly what the reality of the situation was and is...  But Jay, you and his true dad (the loving man that raised him) know the truth...

I too wonder sometimes is there is grief on the other end of the spectrum, for the one that chose not to be involved.  Is it grief or guilt if anything at all is felt?  He did not come to the memorial because I didn't tell him about Joey until a month had passed.  Joey's "true dad" did not want this man at his son's memorial, and so I honored that.  He deserved that much for the wonderful dad he had been to Joey almost all of his life...  He was the one that was ALWAYS there.

So, by your last post, does that mean they accepted your offer on the home in Virginia???  I love the name, Bittersweet Landing.  It seems to fit beautifully; sadly so...thus even the name being bittersweet, eh? 

 

[heartbeataway]

We didn't invite Jason's bio Dad to the Memorial.  My family did. My parents hugged and kissed him in the parking lot when he was leaving. He was not mentioned at the service.  There was an "open mike" and many of his friends reminisced and said good-bye to Jason. I thought he might try to say something but he didn't.  That's the past ..............

Yes, our offer was accepted on the house. Now we have to secure affordable financing and have inspections, etc....  The name of the road is, Blue Ridge Mtn. Rd and the property backs up to the Appalachian Trail.  It's a dream for us.  We don't want to jeopardize our future reaching for a star so to speak.

Have any of you dealt with others who compare the grief of losing a child to the "grief" of being estranged from a child or the "grief" of a child going in a different direction than the rest of the family?  That's happened to me a couple of times lately and it almost makes me angry.  Anger really gets you no where and I know that but Good Lord it makes my blood pressure rise! ........... if Jason were still alive and we were just not seeing eye to eye at the moment, I know I would still see hope in the future. We have no future other than in our memories which will never change. I would do my everloving best to change the situation and get over my case of the "woes is me" so that the precious time we had would not be apart from each other. That's how we lived our lives with Jason. We never stayed apart for very long, we didn't like it. He was important to us and we were important to him and we let each other know it. 

Life is hard enough and still we make it so much harder than we need too ........

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

The picture is the entrance to the house. Yes, we have a lot of yard work to do!

[angelgirl63]

Hello to all...

Please oblige me to share my own 'deadbeat' story, along side yours:

My teenage sons also 'suffer' at the hands of a deadbeat dad, although I like to refer to him as an absentee dad. He sends the check every month, calls them to tell them he loves them, has them for a few weeks out of the summer and a holiday or two and on occassion consoles them, which must be hard to do, since he's the one who inflicted the extreme pain of leaving us ~ I say, "Big deal, save your breath." As far as I'm concerned, he's one of those self-serving, narcissist types...he will never be able to take any credit for their accommplishments and well up-bringing, no matter how guilty or remorseful he may feel inside.  My sons still have to live with the 'stigma' of coming from a broken home, regardless of it being the 'norm,' so to speak. It makes me so sad for my sons, especially since I came from a traditional, solid, loving home.  I can't imagine what it feels like for them...  my youngest son hates being asked by other children why I have a different last name from him...

The day my first husband, of 16 years, decided to leave us and shack up with a woman he worked with (and her children), is the day when he stopped being my sons' hero. They never stopped loving him though... and I always enforce the 4th commandment, even when I feel like chiming in, when they communicate their anger over his choices. To this day, I can not fathom how a father, even more so, a mother, can leave/abandon their children and just pick up to start a new, supposedly exciting life, sacrificing everything, with no regard to the consequences and ramifications to their innocent children...  I have a former neighbor friend, where she and her three kids had to live through the proclamation of her husband telling them he wanted to experience a homosexual lifestyle and promptly moved down to South Beach... those poor children were devastated and embarrassed, to the point that the son tried to commit suicide, thinking it was his fault. I thought my friend would go insane. Florida is a no-fault state and the uncompassionate courts were of no help to her. If only these absentee parents realized what they do to their children, that carries over to their adulthood, just because they want to fulfil their selfish desires..  Regardless of how many 'sorrys' they profess ~ the damage is done. Their la-la land and self-justification becomes our Hell on Earth, eh?

To all mothers AND fathers who are left having to explain the actions of the absentee parent to our children, we certainly are given a heavy cross to bare... something that the absentee parent will never comprehend. If they only knew the invisible scar it leaves... I'll never get over the death of my son, just like I don't think I'll ever get over the death of my first marriage... 

Sorry for venting so openly, but my own heart still aches when I read these kinds of sad posts, regarding parental desertion... it mostly aches for all the innocence our children lose.

PAX,

~Mary 

 

[shellbellsmom]

Hello,

Trying to figure out this new “normal” life for me is taking its toll on me lately.  I have found myself forced into several awkward moments this last weekend and have been rather confused on how to deal or handle them with dignity.   These happened at gatherings where you will run into people you have not seen in many years …or are introduced to their spouses.  One at a 50th birthday party for a friend, and the other a graduation open house. 

My first dilemma… (and I know this has probably been discussed on this board before, so please excuse me for asking it again) is how do you sign the card if the person who will be receiving it knows your family well.  Do you leave your child’s name out that died…or do you include them?  I have in the past included my daughters name but when the person reads who it’s from there is a little hint of discomfort or surprise in their voice. 

Then there is the question after running into someone you haven’t see in many years…”how many kids do you have?”  If I don’t know them well  I have just said 2 and left it at that…or said I have two but one passed away last year…then you get the sighs…hugs…and all the discomfort that goes with that answer.  So then you just say 1…and then they comment…oh and only child.  But this hasn’t happened in a while and usually I am prepared for what I will say. This last weekend when asked…I just froze, and couldn’t think of how to answer it.  Luckily the b-day boy stepped in and did a wonderful job of explaining it to them.  The rest of the night I did feel they avoided talking with me…making it awkward for me once again.

Then yesterday at a close friends daughters open house my friend (who I haven’t seen since my daughters funeral) saw my husband and went up to him (not seeing me) and said, “are you here all alone or did Michelle come too?” My husband politely said do you mean Sue…and she then said, “who did I say?” then once she realized she accidentally said my daughters name rather than mine she felt so upset.  Neither my husband nor I got upset by it…and I just graciously said, don’t make a big deal about it…I like to hear her name, even if by mistake.  My father, my mother, family and friends have done the same thing time and time again….I realize they do it because they are thinking about them and then it just comes out but it sure puts them in a very uncomfortable position which in turn makes me feel awkward as well.

Sorry for rambling but I finally have attempted attending the “happy functions” and need to figure out how to deal with my “new normal” situations and I trust some of you have been in these same situations before and know a good way of handling them.  Thanks for any suggestions...Sue

[heartbeataway]

Has anyone heard the song by Mariah Carey, Cry, Cry?   It's interesting.....

This picture is of Jason's wind chimes that we hung on our visit, May 24th. We wrote individual messages on the chimes. 

[heartbeataway]

This is the view from The Pinnacle where Jay's ashes are spread.  It's such a beautiful place.  And the day was beautiful. 

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

 

[ericasmom]

Dear Sue, you needn't apologize for bringing up a subject that may have been discussed before. One day it will come up again, and you will add what advice you have on the topic having been on this path longer than the next person. This is the beauty of the healing here. When we ask of the others ahead of us, and then we go out in the world, try some of the advice or just go through some of what we have heard from this forum...and a few months down the road we are answering the questions too. We realize then, just how far we have come even when we feel so broken and stuck at times. The process is happening even when we don't know it. The process of grieving.

Anyhow, as to what to say...I have definitely been in your shoes too. About a month or two after ERi died someone said, 'oh how many kids do you have?" I froze...then said, 2 but my daughter died at age 19. The woman was aghast and speechless. I felt guilty but it is the truth. I guess the truth is why some people cannot deal with us, it scares them too much. But in other situations as well, like in a store one day a woman said, oh how is that daughter of yours, erica isn't it. I held the woman's shoulders and asked her not to feel badly, but that eri died. I nearly had to hold that woman up.I have never answered though that I have one child because that will never be so. I have also been on the other side of it. A young man I knew and babysat for killed himself one autumn away at college. His younger brother went to school with Eri, Eri was still alive when Matt died. The following summer at the Farmers Market I saw Matt's parents and asked them how is Matt? OMG, I tried very hard to correct myself, saying I meant Daniel, but Matt came out. The Dad was pretty cool with it, but it shook Mom up. I felt horrible and yet, it is as you said, Matt was wandering through my heart when I saw his parents. It is tricky terrain but Sue, you are joining in at other folks' ceremonies and celebrations and that is part of the process. Pat yourself on the back. I agree with you too, I love hearing Erica's name and so mistake away folks, also, I sign cards with our names and usually add angel in front of Eri's name.

Be well,

Dee

[daniellemom]

Dee,

I have been in your situation before. At Christmas I gave my grandparents a card and didn't put Danielle's name on it my grandfather gave me back the card after writing Danielle's name in it and said that's the way it's going to be. So with family, like my niece got married a couple of months ago and in her card I wrote all of our names including Danielle. When the thank-you note came it was address to all of us, including Danielle. When I have sent cards to non-family members I do not include Danielle's name. As the part of people using Danielle's name in error, it happens a lot, they call my youngest daughter Danielle a lot, she looks and acts just like Danielle did, I just say, that's OK, I do it too, she looks and acts just like Danielle did. It's also a way to say something about Danielle so that the person know you will not run away and hide because they have said her name. I can't give you advise on the numbers of children I have because I havn't been asked yet. But I did read in one of the million books that I have read that I should have an answer that I'm comfortable with weather it's leaving her out of the number are including her. I've decided I will say 3 children and depending on the person I may tell them that my oldest passed away. I also wanted to tell you that Danielle is buried right down the road from where we live and we also have two lights on her grave. We always way of say hi when we drive by which is about everyday. I'm glad you were able to go to the functions and it will get easier as you do more, and be thankful that people did speak. I get a lot of avoiding me from people. I know it's because they don't know what to say, but these are grow people and they need to know to say something!! Sorry this is so long.

Bonnie - the pictures are beautiful.

Greg, I don't know why but I love your post and your will to keep going and changing things, you are such a god sent. I'm so glad that your sister is getting along so well!!

I know that your Brian was/is so proud of you!!

Thoughts and prayers to everyone!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[briansdad]

Bonnie. I don't think I could move like you are.That takes some real strength.It looks like a beautiful area though.

Sonya, thanks for the atta boy but what else can I do.I don't want to sit around and do nothing although it sounds really inviting to do just that.

I do have issues now with seeing brian's daughter.Her mom has decided that because of her bad behavior issues we are going to see less of her.She thinks we spoil her and nothing could be further from the truth. But she's the mom and there is nothing I can do.I told her I don't know why she is punishing but if it truly helps Alyssa then I am willing to sacrifice for her sake.

My second oldest Rob is getting married this weekend.Brian would have been his best man.I hope we find pennies to know he is there.

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, I too love the photos!  I'm so happy to hear your bid was accepted--answered prayer.  Keep us posted on new developments.  I hope and pray the adventure on this new journey will be healing for you.

Sue, Dee & Sonya, I totally relate.  The mother of one of my longtime friends saw me in Target over the holidays (while I was visiting Patrick), and asked "How are the boys?"  I answered patrick is just fine, and reminded her that Joey had been gone for a while now.  She felt so bad, and I ended up comforting her.  It was ok though.  It didn't bother me, and I felt so sorry for her, because she truly had just forgotten, as she hadn't seen me in such a long time.  It was always just a natural part of conversation before to ask and talk about "the boys".  I saw that same friend's sister and brother-in-law in church Christmas Eve, and they were a great comfort to me there.

With regard to sending greetings, the kids always got their own cards and such for people, or they made them.  They were always so creative.  It's been a long, long time since I signed their names to cards I have sent to anyone--except for the thank you cards from Joey's memorial fund, of which I signed all of our names, his dad and step-mom as well.  I say do what feels right for you individually.  It may seem strange to some, and to others they will appreciate and understand.  We can't allow ourselves to be so consumed with how others feel about our grief and loss.  It's hard enough dealing with how life has changed for us without having to consider whether or not people think we are being or acting normal.  There is no normal after losing a child...  ~Claudia

[kalimac]

Sue, you are so brave to even be going out to these 'happy functions'.  My son passed in February, but was buried this past Thursday . . which turned out to be a lovely day and not as sad as I had first feared. Anyway, my cousin whom I adore is getting married at the end of June so her bridal shower was Saturday. In all honesty I just could not face it . . I didn't want to be depressing or have people ask questions and just bring the whole mood of the shower down . . and frankly I was not up to it. Her mother, my aunt , really wanted me to come . . but wow . . I'm not all that happy. Anyway, it is good that you at least are going out.  We also have had people who have not known our son died say things to us . . or scold us for things that didn't 'get done' when our son was home dying. We just forgive them . .they really don't know.

As for saying whether I now have two children instead of three . . I think it would break my heart to exclude my son . . I am still his mother . . and always will be . . he's just not here on this Earth anymore. So, I will tell people I had three children but one has died.

I really do not know how we will handle signing cards . . that one breaks my heart too . . so this will give me something to think about. .

Briansdad, I hope you find lots of shiny pennies.

Bonnie, I love the idea of windchimes and have never thought of writing on them. Very beautiful . . we might give it a try.

Patty R

Mom to Nathan

Lost to sarcoma 2.11.08

We released balloons with slips of paper inside each balloon in Nathan's memory and added forget me not flower seeds.

[johnnysmama]

Greg

I am so sorry about Alyssa-that stinks. Grandpas are made for spoiling grandkids! I don't know how I wouldn't spoil a child of johnny's.

 

Good luck with finding pennies-look for orbs in your  pics too. You know Brian will be there!

 

Kay

[johnnysmama]

Patty

thank you for sharing your balloon pic. It looks like it was a beautiful day. We just received our 3rd letter from Johnny's balloons-travelled 290 miles. the person who found it found it on the same day her brother died 6 years ago. She said it was a sign from him, too! Hope you get some replies, too. I am glad the day went well for you. I know Nathan was with you.

 

Bonnie

Love the windchimes idea and the view is breathtaking. good luck with your new house in Virginia. I have wanted to move since Johnny's passing but my husband can't bear it. It is funny how it is helpful to some and not to others. Shows how personal grieving really is.

 

thanks for the discussion on the ever dreaded question. i always answer-3 kids, 2 walking and 1 soaring....

 

Kay

[shellbellsmom]

Kay.

I love your reply "walking ...and soaring.  I think I am going to steal that from you.

Patty, since I am starting to plan my daughters angel day and balloon launch can you answer a few questions.   You mentioned one replied from 290 miles away.  What did you write on the card to get them to reply back, and you said you put it inside...how? This is new for me.  Also the forget me not seeds- did you just pass them out or did you have them somewhere on the balloons? Just wondering. My launch is schedule 7/20/08.

Thanks Sue (Michelle's mom)

[4everjoeysmom]

Greg, I too am sorry to hear that Alyssa's mom thinks it better to reduce her time spent with you because she is acting out.  Does she realize that acting out is common with young children who have lost a parent?  Extra love and kindness from her grandpa isn't such a bad thing...  I hope and pray it works out that she realizes Alyssa is more blessed by time spent with you......  Also, I wonder that there will be bittersweet moments for you and Rob through the weekend wedding?  I know my son Patrick has mentioned many times that he will miss Joey a lot on his wedding day.  I remember someone once shared here that her surviving son had  T-shirt made with his brother picture on it and the words BEST MAN.  He wore it under his tuxedo.  I thought that was really sweet.  I also hope you find comfort that day through pennies and whatever else your heart needs. 

I too always say I have two children; one living and one in Heaven.

I also forgot to comment as I wanted to on the remark about people "comparing" other losses and issues with losing a child.  I think it's ridiculous, really--Apples to Oranges.  But in some cases I think people try so hard to imagine what we feel and are going through that they blurt out the closest thing they've experienced that comes to their mind.  They don't realize how way off they are or even how ridiculous they sound, but perhaps they are trying to empathize nonetheless--either that or they just need to have some attention too.  I've known a person or two that has a sick propensity to be the center of attention, even if not realized how in poor taste it is at the time--or maybe they do realize...  Others just don't get it at all.  And Bonnie, you are right.  As long as there is breath and life, there is hope for restoration in an estranged relationship between parent and child; there is hope for forgiveness and healing.  I think Kathy said so wisely earlier that she will carry on in life with Tavian and when he is old enough to make his choices about his relationship with disney-dad, she will be there to honor and support whatever path he chooses.  I'm sure that is much easier said than done, but so wise and noble.  Even the worst of situations can sometimes find redemption.  I've been witness to that...  ~Claudia

 

[summergirl]

Bonnie - good luck with your new home in Virgina - it looks like it is absolutely beautiful and I think you are going to very happy there - looks so serene, quiet and very much like a place I would love - make it everything you want it to be.

Patty - sending the balloons and receiving one back from someone who lost a child also is amazing - miracles never cease to amaze me. On June 4th I am sending one up for Mike - Trudi's son for his birthday - who knows where it might go. I am trying to keep track of all our childrens birthdays so I can send a balloon on their birthdays, something that will make me feel good.

Greg - I am sorry that you won't be seeing as much of your granddaughter - that can be devasting to a parent and I will keep you in my prayers. It is hard to understand why a parent believes that the grandparents are the ones who seem to be at "spoil" the grandchild as sometimes I feel (my own opinion) that it is the parent who spoils and has a hard time admiting it so the grandparents seem to take the blame. I am not saying that is the case with you I just have found many times in my world where it happens. You have the right out look though as your concern lies with your grandaughter - you are a good man. Good luck with your sons wedding, it will be beautiful and Brian will be there watching over - watch for the orbs!!

I too, as I am sure most of us have, been in situations where I have run into someone from a long time ago and they asked how Jessica was doing and I tell them what happened and it is I who usually end up supporting them. I also have found it awkward at times at a large gathering when I hear people talking about their children getting married or off to college or some situation and I have a hard time contributing to the conversation but need to remind myself that they have not lost a child and live a different life then I. I love the idea of signing cards with Angel Jessica - thank you for that.

As for the "deadbeat" dads or whatever we choose to call them, I know in our situation it is about keeping Tavian loved as much as possible, never talking bad about his dad and making sure he feels as much love, warmth, hugs and caring as we can give him - I know later it will be hard for him but we will deal with that when the time comes. He was at Grandma's this weekend and told me his dad came by but only stayed for a little while and left, I asked him if they played and he said no, he didn't have time, he had to go somewhere - thats when I get the "angry" going but keep it hidden from Tavian. Life sometimes throws things at us that are out of our control and they are things we do not believe we are ever going to be able to live through but we are doing it, very slowly and very weary at times, alot of tears and never ending heartache but we do as we are "STRONG" - my strength comes from within but I can tell all of you that without your words of wisdom and answering unending questions from me I would not be as strong as I am now - Thanks to all.

Time for a little down time - Tavian has a summer cold or allergies so was a little moody tonight - wanted to know if he could go back to his other house where he lived with mommy - another how do I answer that but did it - I told him we could take a ride past there if he wanted to tomorrow and he said yes but we will see how he feels tomorrow.

Love to all and peace - Kathy

[kalimac]

Sue, I havn't yet received any replies back . . we'd love it if we did though and just in case I did add contact information.

I printed up slips of paper that basically said, "In Memory of . . " and included our webpage. On the back of the paper I asked that whoever found this to leave a message on our guestbook. We live near the Atlantic and on that day I think the wind was blowing northeast . . so . . not sure if anyone will ever find one. We can only hope! A teacher at our school found a message in a bottle one time . . it was from a school in Virginia so he called them. It had been floating around in the cold Maine waters for two years. They were thrilled to hear from him and he became a celebrity to them. So . . we may need to wait a while longer for any messages.

I rolled the slips of paper up and tucked them into the balloons . . than I opened up packets of forget me not seeds and added them directly into the balloons too . . I than filled them with helium and tied biodegradable raffia onto the ends . . . we had sharpie pens too so that anyone could write a message who wanted to . . launching the balloons takes your breath away . . I felt alot of positive energy . . and than, of course, the picture with the purple aura gave me an unexpected feeling of peace.

Sue, I hope your balloon launch gives you the same feelings . . my husband said it lifted his spirits and he can't stop talking about it.

Patty R

We didn't get an orb . . but some kind of purple aura is over the gravesite . . .

[shellbellsmom]

Thanks for the tips Patty...and oops I believe I meant to ask Kay as she was the one who received 3 messages back.  My brain isn't back to what it was before...still only half here most of the time.  And Patty I am still in awe of that awesome aura in the balloon image. 

Last night I went through some of my daughters pics from her laptop. She went to Savannah GA on last years spring break with her BF and her grandmother.   Her Grandma told her why in the world would you want to spend spring break with an old lady like me rather than hit the beaches with all the other college kids.  She just said she enjoyed her company and wanted to see her.  2 months later she was diagnosed with leukemia and shortly after that died so maybe that trip was meant to be. 

But while going through her pictures I came across 2 of her that had a strange white light in them...both pictures were taken on the same day but in different locations while she was on spring break in GA.  I asked her BF if she had possibly spilled something on her sweater and he said no.  It’s odd that in both images the light is glowing on her chest and no where else in the image.  I can't figure this out...it doesn't look like a typical orb, anyone have any explanation. I also posted a pic of her with an orb on that same trip earlier...and also the face in the clouds that she took.  I don't know why I have so many strange pictures. 

*I cropped the pictures and put them together to make the image smaller for the web...but didn't mess with anything else.

[bigmikesmom]

Hi Everyone,

I have not been on here for awhile, very hard times but I wanted to share this pic with all of you since you were talking about pictures that had unexplainable images. BigMikes girlfriend was not able to come to the calling hours or funeral. She came to visit me and took this picture of the accident site about 6 mos later. She held the camera phone out the window of her car and took it. At the bottom of the pic this image showed up. It is not a lawn chair , there is nothing like this at the site. It is actually behind the accident site. It looks like a tombstone with flowers etched on it.

Very wierd. Any comments?

Patti-BigMikesMom

[mikesmum]

Hey babe - Its your birthday tomorrow.....is it really 33yrs since I held that dark haired boy in my arms?  I put the windchimes with the lines of beads hanging out over the river at Warburton....can't seem to make them as well as you.......Will be listening out for the sounds of music as the balloons rise to greet you on your day.....Loz still misses you as does Steve Mel and the kids.  I love you my son my son - the love lives on forever...... 

from left to right - Adam, Mike and Lee - sitting in the sun, strumming...

[4everjoeysmom]

Michelle's Mom, In each of the photos you posted it appears that the sun is fully shining from what is seen in the backgrounds.  But I noticed that in each photo a person is standing next to Michelle on the same side where shadow is cast onto her sweater.  It appears that perhaps she was standing in the sun with the person next to her blocking part of the sun from shining fully onto her.  I wouldn't discount it so much that it may be peculiar except that it doesn't seem to be just coincidence that the shadows are shaped almost identical to a person also being next to her to block the sun....  Does that make sense from the full photo images?  It's kind of hard to tell with them being cropped...

 

[heartbeataway]

[align=center]**HAPPY BIRTHDAY** MIKE ![/align]

[align=left]mikesmum,  Found this some time ago.  Hope you find it as comforting as I did.[/align]

[align=center]"....May the spirit of this child that lives so deep within your heart help you through this day, this month and through every moment of the journey ahead and the re-establishing of your life."[/align]

[align=left]There is something about a ballon release that is magical and mesmerizing. I remember after Jason's memorial watching the balloons rise and wondering if that was how his spirit soared ...[/align]

[align=left]On Jason's wind chimes, I wrote, "Love is a journey that never ends........" [/align]

[align=left]Try to have a good day ......... we will all be here thinking of you and sending strength your way.[/align]

[align=left]JasonH'sMom, Bonnie[/align]

[ericasmom]

Greg, I know you will feel Brian at the wedding and I hope that Rob will as well. So bittersweet, I know. We have had several baptisms and weddings since Erz left, and her spirit is definitely felt by several of the cousins and her aunties. Pennies to you.

Happy 33rd birthday Sweet Boy Mike. Your Pretty music is bouncing off the clouds and making the trees sway.

I love that the sun on your girl is right over her heart...oh and was it your daughter's photo of the church steeple? That one had an outline around the church on the left as though outlined by a spiritual force. So pretty and powerful. I have to send my sun ray picure to you all, but probably need to resize.

Gotta finish all my end of the school year stuff.

Dee

[daniellemom]

Greg,

Sorry to hear that Alyssa Mom feels the need to limit your time with her. But once again you amaze me with your kindness that what ever is best for Alyssa. God Bless you Greg!! I hope the wedding is wonderful. When my niece was married in March she put in the program that they chose pink in loving memory of the maid of hornor Danielle Leigh Wrenn. I thought it was nice. I also like the t-shirt idea.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE!!!!!!!!!!!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)