Loss of an Adult Child

[messenger]

:(HI ALL.....I THINK IT WOULD BE NICE IF WE ALL...COULD GO OUT AND BUY A BALLOON OR TWO AND PUT OUR KIDS PHOTO ..ADDRESS,,,AND NUMBER ON IT...COVER IT WITH TAPE AND SAY SOME MUCH NEEDED WORDS TO OUR KIDS ANDLET IT GO THIS MEMORIAL DAY................................I THINK.............IT JUST MIGHT GIVE US ALL SOME MUCH NEEDED PEACE...WE KNOW..THEY ARE WITH US BUT SOMETHING...ABOUT TALKING TO THEM AND LETTING THE BALLOONS GO.....RELIEVES ALOT OF PRESSURE ON US

I PLAN TO MAKE IT TO THE GRAVE YARD..ONE WAY OR THE OTHER...MAKING TIME FOR MY DEAR SON..WHO I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL AND KNOW..WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN IN GODS TIME

MAY THE LORD....FILL ALL YOUR HEARTS WITH HIS  PEACE .....COMFORT YOU AND ALLOW OUR KIDS TO COME THRU IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER..

MY PRAYERS GO OUT TO ALL OF YOU

LOVE GERI JAMES MOM

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thank you everyone. We had a quiet memorial in a garden we planted this spring just for Jenni. I can't even believe it's been twelve years. As much as some have told me the pain eases with time, I haven't seen it happen. I miss Jenni.

Bets, you're too kind, sister. Love you! We're doing a lot of shows, so not a lot of home time. I'm planning to spend most of this weekend with my daughter and her family - and of course, Francesca, the star of the show! Well after 1 am, so almost time for me to crash. I'll stay in touch as much as I can.

Luv y'all, Mark

[mamabets]

For Kathy~ Here is the "Angel Catcher" for the big people...Maybe you and Tavian can sit side by side and do yours together some of the time; others, in solitude, ALWAYS knowing that one can go to the other, and together find a special spot to sit , talk and write....

A real way to express feelings...Little pouches to put special things in..Truly amazing~

This could help so much!!!! I am here if you need to talk!!

xoxooxo

LOVE

mamabets

P.S. This was written by a "Kathy" Eldon about her son, "Dan"...Amy wrote the one for the kids..She is Dan's sister~

[mamabets]

For 4everjoeysmom~ When I get so sad, I most definately say "I am one hour closer to when Danny and I will be hanging out together again, for all eternity"

It is so difficult to have one foot on one side, and the other still here for the sake of our surviving children. Talk about torn..Right smack down the middle....

We do it for them, however. Our kids, grandkids did NOT ask for this hell. So, for them, I remain who I am...Shattered, yes, but alive and able to laugh and love still~

There is such tremendous effort being made by my Jackie and all of my nieces and nephews..I get such strength from them all.

Jackie and I were talking yesterday, and I said "Oh, honey, we miss him for the exact same reasons...His laughter, his ability to "fix" things in a moment's notice..."

She said "I know, Mom,but you are his mother, and if anything ever happened to one of my girls, forget it" 

One of the guys that they knew from high school ws found dead yesterday morning. Jackie's little voice was quivering when she called.... He was 30 years old, left behind a wife and 2 small kids~

It is one scary world here. I know that it is not where our boys are..

LOLE

mamabets

 

[mamabets]

For briansdad~ You know, in spite of this pain, new little memories will be made at Table Rock... Take that camera!!

I LOVE this picture of Brian...Such a little guy....

Brianna will rule the roost and make all of you laugh~!!! Jackie said that she is THE most precious little baby- Jess and Jackie keep in touch- This is a good thing!!

6-7-08 will be here before we know it!! Rob's wedding, Julia's birthday party. Things are still right in this world where they are so right~

I have my tray of pennies on my nightstand. Always...

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

[grammy3613]

MORNING TO ALL. WELL IT HAS BEEN AWHILE SINCE I HAVE BEEN ON. I HAVE HAD A LONG HARD WORK SCHEDULE LAST WEEK AND BEEN FIGHTING SICKNESS THIS WEEK. MY GRAND MALORIE HAS BEEN VERY ILL FOR ABOUT 3 DAYS. PLEASE PARY FOR HER QUICK RECOVERY. SHE HAS BEEN RUNNING A FEVER AND DOESNT WANT TO EAT AND SOME VOMITING. WE TOOK HER TO ER ON TUES MORNING SO WE HAVE MEDS. SHE HAS A VIRAL INFECTION AND A EAR INFECTION.

I WAS FINALLY ABLE TO GO SEE MY DAD AND GET SOME THINGS DONE FOR HIM. HE WAS UPSET WITH ME THAT I HAVENT BEEN AROUND TO MUCH LATELY. I TRIED TO EXPLAIN MY LONG WORK HOURS BUT THAT DIDN'T SEEM TO HELP MUCH. SEEMS THE UNDERLINE PROBLEM WASNT THAT I HAVENT BEEN AROUND JUST THAT I AM NOT MYSELF AND HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND THAT AFTER 5 1/2 MONTHS SINCE TEARA DIED THAT I AM NOT BETTER AND OVER IT AND WHEN WE TALK ABOUT HER I STILL CRY. I FEEL ANGRY ABOUT WHAT HE SAID. I TOLD HIM I WASNT SURE I WOULD EVER FEEL LIKE ME AGAIN OR NOT CRY WHEN WE TALK ABOUT TEARA. HE IS MY FATHER!!! I AM SO HURT ABOUT THIS!!

I HAVE STARTED "TEARA'S PARADISE". IT IS LOOKING AWESOME. SEEMS LIKE THE TIMES I AM WORKING ON IT IS THE TIMES I FEEL THE BEST. I HAVE BEEN WORKING IN THE YARD ALOT AND THAT ALSO MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.

MY SON AND HIS FAMILY ARE MOVING THIS SATURDAY TO VICTORIA. I HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS ON THIS. I AM HAPPY TO HAVE MY HOUSE BACK, BUT I HATE TO SEE MY SON MOVE. I HAVE ONE GONE TO HEAVEN AND ONE MOVED TO IOWA NOW ONE MOVING 5 HRS AWAY. ONLY JAMIE REMANDS NEAR. AND OF COURSE TEARA'S GIRLS.

WOW I GUESS I HAD A LOT ON MY MIND.LOL  THANKS FOR LISTENING AND GOD BLESS.   GRAMMY KELLIE

[4everjoeysmom]

Grammie Kellie, As soon as I started to read about your granddaughter, and before I got to the diagnosis, I already was saying to myself "Ear Infection".  I battled nasty ear infections with Joey for a long time when he was little until finally they inserted tubes.  Had that done again after the first set fell out naturally after a couple of years.  Pesky ear infections.  (I'm praying...)

My dad acted very strange too when I last visited him.  A year and a half had passed since Joey's death, and my dad had barely said his name.  Whenever we talked, he would change the subject quickly.  Occasionally he would bring something up, but then quickly pass over it.  He grieves too.  But I think his generation (and your dad older than mine, I'm sure) was one that taught men not to cry, to stuff their emotions, "be a man", etc.  There was no going to a counselor, or public ministering to men in pain and crisis.  And I don't know about you, but my dad had an added challenge of seeing his "little girl" hurting, and there was nothing he could do about it.  So it was easier for him to "manage his and my pain by just turning away from it.  I was hurt too that I couldn't talk openly to him about Joey.  I NEED to talk about Joey.  So I shared my feelings openly, and he considered me, and he is now working toward being more receptive.  Eventually I think his opening up to allow me to grieve in front of him will open him up to allowing himself to grieve more.  It's not healthy stuffing in so much.  The evidence of him doing that all of his life has really worn on him physically, emotionally amd spiritually.

I'm sorry your kids are "scattering".  It's so hard to let go and let them fly to their own nests, especially when those nests are far from us.  I did the reverse and nested far from my kids, and it too is difficult.  Stay close by phone and internet in between visits.  There are wonderful online live-chat-talk-video programs where you can hook up a web cam on both sides to see the person you are talking to and they can see you.  It's like the Jetsons.  LOL!  (A cartoon I watched when I was an adolescent.)  You can then see your children and grandchildren via web calls and it;s like the next best thing to being there.  When I am in the city I hook up live video feed and chat with my dad and my son.  It helps so much.

Hang in there, Kellie.  I have been amazed at your strength.  I know someone supernaturally must be carrying you...      Hugs, Claudia

[daveydow1]

Claudia, Joeysmom,

  I know what you mean about the older people keeping emotions bottled up

inside. My mother---age 88, is about the same as your dad when it comes to

showing emotions such as grief. She also chooses to avoid talking about my

son Davey, and quickly changes the subject whenever his names is mentioned.

I have chosen to just let her be, and not fret too much about it. She was the

same when my dad died 14 yrs. ago, but is now able to talk about him. I'm

glad that your father is becoming more open to expressing his grief. 

                                        Daveysmom,   Sherry   

[grammy3613]

I HAVE TAKEN PICTURES OF MY "TEARA'S PARADISE" AND I HAVE TRIED TO UPLOAD THEM ON HERE TO SHARE, BUT HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TOLD IT IS TOO BIG AND IT WONT UPLOAD. CAN ANYONE HELP ME? THANKS. GRAMMY KELLIE

[4everjoeysmom]

Grammy Kellie, DO you have a photo/image program like Photoshop or MS Photo Editor?  The phot needs to be "optimized".  The quality is too high, making the photo too many MB.  If you can resize the photo by changing to a medium quality and get it under 500KB (1/2 MB), then it will take.  1/2 MB is the limit for posting pics here.

[kalimac]

grammykelly you can 'resize' your image for free online . . there are quite a few sites that will do this, such as photobucket . . but if you don't have an account there than you can try this one . . it's easy and free . . just follow what they tell you to do to reduce the size of the image (i think it will automatically optimize).

http://www.webresizer.com/

Hope that helps.

Patty

Mom to Nathan

Lost to cancer

11.13.87 - 2.11.08

[grammy3613]

THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE HELP. I AM TRYING THIS WITH THE WEBSIZER. I AM TRYING WITH A PIC OF  TEARA'S PARADISE. I STILL HAVE ALOT OF WORK, BUT THE WORK AND THE GARDEN MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE AND GOOD.  GRAMMY  KELLIE

[4everjoeysmom]

Not sure if any or all have stumbled onto http://www.gilisplace.com, but I found some really good article/notes on understanding the inner depths of grief.  Here is an excerpt from an article called, On Choice and Grief By Henya Shanun-Klein, Ph.D.   She lost her daughter Gili some years ago and has dedicated her life to teaching insights in grief.

I hope some may find the website and this excerpt useful.  ~Claudia

-----------

It is our intelligence, our creativity, our faith, our trust in ourselves and in others, our ability and willingness to accept a helping hand, our acknowledgment of our vulnerability, and our openness to the suffering of others around us, that will enable us, ultimately, to discover ways of reconstruction of new meaning in our lives.

 

Some will interpret information presented to them as ‘signs and signals’ thus uncover new meaning; others will pay attention to dreams and will derive strength from repeated themes. Others yet, will discover new pathways by re-defining new missions and re-directing their lives accordingly. The result of this search for new meaning may be in volunteering to help others in pain, in expanding or changing professional interests. I redirected my career to the exclusive study and treatment of the bereaved. Some find new meaning in acts of commemoration of their children. I have been doing that too. It is as if we have made a choice to respond to a higher calling.

When we realize that Grief is not an external entity engulfing us, but rather an integral part of our self - we are relieved – not imprisoned by our grief any longer. This is not to say that we detach ourselves from our children. We, as parents, remain attached to our children whether living or dead. The sense of relief comes  from our new ability to detach ourselves, temporarily, from the memory of the event of death – in order to catch our breath, to continue grieving, to make space to emotions additional to Deep Sadness. Grief is only one type of connection to our deceased children, a connection we don’t want nor can we lose. Our grieving self, just like our loving self, constantly challenges us to grow, to expand, and to enlighten.

 

 

[mikesmum]

The sense of relief comes  from our new ability to detach ourselves, temporarily, from the memory of the event of death – in order to catch our breath, to continue grieving, to make space to emotions additional to Deep Sadness. Grief is only one type of connection to our deceased children, a connection we don’t want nor can we lose. Our grieving self, just like our loving self, constantly challenges us to grow, to expand, and to enlighten. 

 

Claudia - It does make sense of this treadmill we find ourselves on.  If even just for a moment we detach from the day and catch our breath with memories, stories and pictures of our childrens life, we eventually allow grief/sadness to co habitat with the life we have now come to know..........Time does not erase, but it does allow for the space needed to embrace the importance of who our children were and what they mean to so many.

Just an aside -  Carol 'red punch buggies' everywhere this past weekend.  Once would only be relevant if you got the punch, now I think of you and Mike....ride again punch buggies!!!!!

 

[daveydow1]

Mikesmum,

  You phrased it just right----this is a treadmill that we have been on. It

   never seems to stop---on and on, but we must go on for our angels.

   Peace to you.

                                           Daveysmom,   Sherry     

[mikesmum]

Sherry - Thanks.  The treadmill always sees me looking for something I miss.  I can go through the days, the motions if you like but at the end of everyday, the completion of each task I still go pick up the phone to 'catch up with Mike'. 

Hit home after I have spoken to Steven and Melissa.  Normal routine, call Mike and see how he's going.

Somethings will never be the same.....Take Care - Trudi

[ericasmom]

Yes indeed Trudi,

some things will never be the same, so many things. jSometimes I get really low right after doing something with my sisters and nieces because it is where Eri would have also joined had she lived on. I still wish to call ERi on the phone, as I did that last night of her life. I called her about 40 minutes before she was struck. I wish I could remember the call in its entirity, but what I do remember sustains me when I need it most. She and I laughed together, she let me know that she was having a great time living in Kalamazoo, and that she was hoping to get a Nanny position. I bought her a new skirt which made her squeal and she asked me to send it to her. WE hung up and the robins sang their good-night messages to each other, and I basked in their song, (my favorite) and in the sound of happiness in Erica's voice. Her happiness will always warm me.

Peace,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Dee - Same.  Mike left a message on our home phone. He was so upbeat, so focussed.  He was on his way to a community support house where he was to play pool and guitar with some kids in need.  It was the last time I heard his voice.  I remember getting home from work late and sleeping easy after hearing how positive he was....."love ya mum"his final words.   

 

[ericasmom]

Trudi,

I hope that his upbeat and smiling voice can wrap around you and give you a good day. This is still pretty early for you, steps taken are new steps...so be kind to yourself and know that he is helping you put one foot in front of the other on those days that find you unable.

Claudia, thanks for the website. I like the quote you repeated, very good advice from one who definitely knows.  YOu may like the book; Name all the Animals. It is memoir and it deals from the siblings point of view, but in such a way that you feel you are reading fiction. Also, have you read Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies?

Peace to All, and may we soon see the War in Iraq and Afghanastan end.

[ericasmom]

Grammy Dear,

the garden is coming along so beautifully. I am happy that you were able to resize to show us. Keep it up, and may you always feel your Girl's spirit as you work in her memorial garden.

Dee

[johnnysmama]

Claudia

Thank you for sharing the articles. I will take a look at them soon. The quote about the grieving self and loving self struck me. I seem to battle inside most of the time with what I want, what will help me feel better, with everything and I dont know why but that line really meant something to me. It kind of made sense of some of my inner turmoil-i want to love again like I did but I hurt so bad-this thought of the 2 seperately but within me co-existing is very interesting.

thanks again for your words of wisdom and continued help on this journey-i really appreciate it.

 

Kay~Johnny's forever in my heart...

1/30/86-3/12/07

[johnnysmama]

grammy

thank you for sharing your fine work in memory of your beloved daughter. I think it is wonderful that you are able to do it for you to enjoy and for her daughters. hopefully you do find peace in that.

 

Kay

 

johnny ~ forever in my heart...

1/30/86-3/12/07

[briansdad]

Here is a pic from last weekend with Brian's baby

 

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

    Great picture !   Such a darling little girl.  The picture says a 1,000 words.

     Peace be with you.

                                 Daveysmom,   Sherry

[daveydow1]

Mikesmum,

   Yes-----Sad, but true.....Some things will never be the same.  Getting used

   to life  "after"  is so painful and stressful, and also lonely for our dearly

   beloved children who went before  their time.   Peace to you.

                                         Daveysmom,   Sherry 

[4everjoeysmom]

Kay (Johnny's Mama), HUGS to you!  I'm so glad that something I posted rang and may be of help to you.  It is all I hope for by being here and sharing the journey...to help another hurting, grieving soul.  Love, Claudia

Greg, Great photo!  Brian's baby sure is beautiful..the essence of her daddy!!

[summergirl]

Hello to all - back from our long weekend of camping and trying to catch up on the postings I have missed - need to get a laptop to take with me as I could have used all of you a few times. It was beautiful, sunny and very warm. Tavian had so much fun with his friends who were camping with us - the campfire and fising were his favorite. I will post some pictures after I post.

Grammy Kelly - Teara's Pardise is looking beautiful - you will find strength in each thing that you add. When I did "Jessica's Garden" I felt at peace but there were a few times when I was digging a hole for a plant and the next thing I knew I was beating the soil with my spade and crying uncontrollably but it passed and the end result is beautiful - with the pond, waterfall, fish and many beautiful plants it truley is a symbol of my love for my daughter.  Sorry to here about your children scattering but it another thing we all learn to deal with - my mom, dad and both sisters live in Iowa and at times it seems so far away - but we talk every week on the phone.

mamabets - thank you once again for the "Angel Catcher" for big people - I will order both now that I am home and can find the time. It sounds like a wonderful thing for us to do together and I will find a special place for the two of us to have quality time to do it - you are such a dear.

Carol - was coming home from camping and looked to my left and there was a red punch buggie and I immediately thought of Mike - do not see them here often so guess he wanted to visit this memorial weekend!! I had to smile.

Greg - Brian's girl is something else and I am going to take a wild guess and say that she acts just like her dad!! So beautiful the two of you together. Camera's are a wonderful thing.

 I agree with the "treadmill" as I walked on it tonight and it was going so fast I was about to fall off. It began with Tavian being with his grandmother today as he had no school and I had to work - she brought him home and in he walked with a 2 month old puppy!!! His "disneyland father" decided he needed a puppy so he just went and got one without talking with us first. Total melt down, the worst he has had in a long time as I would not let him keep her - it is too soon after Kaylie and there is no one home all day 5 days a week. Long story short - he told me he hated me and I was never to speak to him again - on and on. Between my husband and I we finally got him calmed down and he was ok - an hour later his Grandmother called to tell me that she is keeping the puppy at her house for him - I let her talk to Tavian and he was so happy, he has named her Bambi. Now when he goes there he will have his puppy - she has another dog and she said they were playing. This is a good thing for him to have the puppy there for when he goes. I just felt like I had broke his little heart and I had a total meltdown all angry at myself for not letting him keep her - but I know in my heart that I did the right thing. I guess.

Been missing my Jessica alot (as usual) but some days are just so damn hard I could scream.  I feel like I am living two lives also - one where I am all about Jessica and the other trying to be strong, laugh and live. Like some of you it is hard to have family and friends who set a time limit on when I should "be over it"!! How do they possibly believe that you get over it - are you supposed to just wake up one day and so ok, I am all better and over it and behave as though she never lived! What world do they live in - oh yeah - the world where they did not have a child die.

Long night tonight so will post a few pictures of camping and say good night. I have missed you all my friends - God Bless.  Kathy

This is the last picture I took - the clouds were so beautiful and we were all sitting at the campfire, I took the picture and immediately looked at it and could not believe what I saw - a perfect orb - I passed it around and everyone was looking at the picture and the sky comparing it and the looks on their faces is one I won't forget - sometimes you have to see to believe and we now have a few more believers!!

For some reason it won't let me browse - will try again

 

[summergirl]

not letting me - so fustrating but will try tomorrow - I so want you all to see them!!

[mikesmum]

Brian - most definitely a great catch.  So much is given back to us from our childrens children. 

Kathy - sounds like Tavian really does see you as his mommy mi-mi.  Disneyland dad really hasn't got much of a clue has he?  Thankfully the genetics begin and end with him.  I am so sorry you have to endure the mum side of things, but I know the camping with the campfires and fresh air would have rejuvenated your energy.

Good luck with the pictures........Hopefully this one of Mal in Hobart will work. Its at Port Arthur.  A convict settlement in the 1800's now know for the Port Arthur Massacre April 26th 1996. I visited the memorial garden and tranquility pool there.  It was erected at the site of the BroadArrow Cafe where many died that day.  I will post the picture next. 

I was taken by the overwhelming calmness this bought to a place where such carnage and devestation took place.......

[mikesmum]

This is a reflection picture I took across the pool looking a the shell of what was the cafe.  It truly feels like hallowed ground.  I never felt alone here.

[mamabets]

For Briansdad~ PRECIOUS picture of you and Alyssa...She looks so much like JULIA, it freaks me out!!

I love the blue skies, Greg...They have been following you, and my prayers are for the same come Rob's wedding!!

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For grammy3613~ And a paradise it is, for a paradise is where Teara is for all eternity~

What a beautiful place you have started to remember her by- Our gardenias are starting to bloom out back, as well as so many of our "angel" seeds...I think of each and every angel here when something new "speaks" to me...

LOVE

mamabets

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, Ugh!  My heart sank as I read your post about Disneyland Dad, the puppy, and how Tavain responded when you explained that it wasn't a good time to have the puppy at home.  Ugh!  I am so blown away by these people who just "show up" and think they have some kind of right to involve themselves in the make-up of your life just because they were involved for a moment way back when.  I'm glad that Tavian was satisfied with his paternal grandma having the puppy at her home and that the pressure was taken off of you in that decision.  You made the right choice.  As you said, no one is home during the days-long weeks, and a puppy needs a lot of attention.  It would be YOU that would have to do all of the caring, feeding, walking, training, etc.  And if you are not ready for that, it is YOUR decision.  Please don't feel guilty for that.  One of the many life's lessons Tavian is looking up to you to learn, even though in the moment it is not understood or as much desired, is RESPONSIBILITY.  It makes perfect sense why it's not time for a dog.  The responsibility is very heavy, and you wouldn't want to take on something that you wouldn't be able to fully be responsible for in the right way.  Maybe when Tavian is ready, you and he can talk about that.  He would want to be a responsible little man for his mommy to be proud of....  Sometimes we want things that may be good for us in the moment, but in the long haul it may not be such a perfect idea.  The puppy might have become a very sad dog with a lot of anxiety problems for being alone so much...  Anyway, I'm rambling here, but just wanted to support you in your decision.  I'm sure it felt terrible yesterday, but you did the right thing.  Hugs, Claudia

[daniellemom]

Greg,

Brian's daughter is beautiful!!

Cathy,

I'm so sorry about Tavian "Disneyland Dad" and the puppy he is so young and doesn't understand about the puppy, you made the right decision!

Trish (Mike's Mum)

The pictures are very nice the reflection is beautiful.

I'm going to try to post the picture of my "D" I received on Mothers day.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[daniellemom]

I still can't do. I will try again later.

[mikesmum]

To all - Seems we all suffer with the 'too large' when we attempt to post pictures.  On another thread there was a link to this site.  Have tried it with great success....

http://www.webresizer.com/

Take Care - Happy snap posting....Trudi

[summergirl]

Trudi - yes Tavian does see me as mommy/mi-mi more each day and it is diffacult but understandable. He is trying to detach himself from the loss of Jessica and put me in her place and is very confused by the whole effect it has on him. He wants to heal his wounded heart but yet has so many memories of mommy that it is a diffacult thing for a child of his age. I go with the flow and believe me it is hard at times but necessary. No disneyland dad has no clue as to what he did to Tavian and us but then he never did know much about being a father. Last night Tavian asked me about my dad and after I told him he asked me "who is my dad?" - I was confused as I always thought he knew as he has always called him dad - anyway I asked him who he thought his dad was and he said I don't know so I told him and he said oh yeah, but why didn't he live with me and mommy - again it is left to me to explain a situation that is diffacult for him but I did it without making his dad sound horrible (even though I wanted to).  As far as the puppy thing goes I think there was probably an ulterior motive - I believe that when Tavian is at his grandmother's he askes to go home and she doesn't like that so by having a puppy in the house is her way of bribing him - does that make sense? Anyway Barry and I talked it over and we know that it won't be long before Tavian tires of the new "puppy", most kids love them at first and then suddenly it isn't so much fun any more. Time will tell.  Yes, camping was just what we all needed, so peaceful with the waves waking you up and the sun warming your soul. You always make me feel better whether it is a few words or an entire page - love to you my friend.

Claudia - thank you for your kind words - yes it did totally shock us that they just arrived with a puppy without consulting us and then make us out to be the bad guys who have to do all the explaining. I just felt like screaming at them "are you insane?" but they would not get it and probably not care. I know in my heart I did the right thing but it still was so heart breaking to see his tears and hear him tell me he hates me - but later that night he hugged me and said I love you mi-mi more than anything and that made everything ok. God Bless you my friend.

Sonya - thank you also for easing my heart by letting me know I did the right thing - thank goodness for all of you here on BI - I would be so lost without all of you helping me through my "daily" drama's - peace my friend.

I am going to try to post the pictures again and see what happens - if not I will try that website you spoke of Trudi.

I can't remember (I am sorry) but one of you were going to send me a package on ARVD and I never received it - did I get it wrong?? Please forgive me for not remembering who I was talking to - I sometimes lose my thoughts and cannot find them.

Good night my friends - hope the pictures work. Kathy

[summergirl]

Yeah - back on track!!

This picture is the last picture I took, we were all sitting around the campfire and I looked up and it seemed like the clouds were shaped like an angel wing so I took the picture - I looked at it right away and there was this perfect "orb" - I passed it around to everyone and they compared the picture on my camera to the sky and I have to tell you that there are now more believers in this world of "orbs". Tavian looked at it and said "you are all silly, that is an Angel" Beautiful.

[summergirl]

Hope you can see it - it is really amazing.

One more of Tavian hoding a baby racoon that my friend LJ is taking care of - some man took 4 babies from the mom and threw them away - LJ saved two of them and is bottle feeding them and will have them until at least April of next year - Tavian fell in love and had such a good time helping to take care of them while camping.

[summergirl]

OK - I was wrong - one more and than I promise to stop taking up all the space. This is a picture of us and our friends campers that went this past weekend - such a beautiful place to camp - right on the beach.  I promise good night now and will talk to all tomorrow.

[heartbeataway]

Kathy,

I told you I would send you info on ARVD ...... we lost our son to the disease in April 2007.

I am so sorry.  I totally blew it off! 

I have it on top of my "to do" list.

Forgive me!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[summergirl]

Bonnie - Please do not be sorry - I am sorry that I "forgot" who I had talked too - when things like that happen I get very upset with myself as I never want to "forget" anyone on this site, who they are and who their child is. Thank you, you are so dear and Bless you my friend - Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy:  Really beautiful pictures, and I am so glad you all had a wonderful time.  Yes, I agree with Tavian, that is truly an angel in the sky, absolutely beautiful...Jessica saying goodnight.   I know it must have been so very tough to tell Tavian he could not have the puppy at your house, but you did do the right thing...I agree with all that Claudia and the others have said on that subject.  And the disneyland dad, oh, man, I wish I could line them all up and send them over a hill somewhere.  I have a friend with that problem and it is just misery after misery.  You are doing right by Tavian, Kathy, never doubt it.

Grammy Kelly:  I am so glad to see your progress on Teara’s garden...I so hope to move soon enough to start one this summer.  Of course, I could always put in some bulbs that will come up next spring,  if we don't move soon enough.  I have wanted to do one, but with the moving coming up, I just knew it would break my heart to leave it behind.  Mike helped us plant so many things here, and it is truly tough to walk away.  His wife, however, had an idea this weekend that really surprised me...Mike helped us plant a weeping cherry tree (how appropriate, now) and it is now almost 25 feet tall.  It does truly break my heart to leave it, but Sarah suggested I take the picture I have of Mike helping his dad plant it, put it with the picture we have of him standing beside it the summer before he died, and dry some of the blossoms from it and put it in the frame, between the pictures.  It really is a wonderful idea and I thank her so much for it.  She and I sometimes have a "walking on eggs" relationship, but we try to get along and help each other out on this journey of living without Mike.   I hope your garden continues to bring you comfort.

Trudi:  I love the pictures of your vacation...the pool is so calming.  I know what you mean about the "sounds" as we felt the same when we visited Ellis Island a few years ago.  They have many pictures of the immigrants coming ashore, with their children, walking through the building, etc., and it seems so real that you can almost hear their voices...hauntingly beautiful.  Of course there was much hope at Ellis Island, mixed with the hopes of a new life, whereas there was only pain and sorrow at the site of your pictures...so very sorry for all of them who suffered, and hopefully something can be learned from it.   Thank you for the link to websizer, also.

Claudia:  “I'm so glad that something I posted rang and may be of help to you.  It is all I hope for by being here and sharing the journey...to help another hurting, grieving soul.”  Dear friend, so very much of what you post helps all of us with our grief…you are a treasure we all hold dear.

Greg:  Such a wonderful picture of Brian’s precious sweetie---she looks to be quite proud to be standing by you…so glad you all had a good time.

Mamabets:  thank you for the Angel Catcher idea; will definitely give them a look-see.  I know the boys will enjoy working on them, and I hope my hubby will also find something to bring him some comfort.  I hope you  are doing well….now that the warmer weather is here, I hope you are getting some sunshine to bring some joy to your heart.

Thank you all for telling me of  your "sightings” of  Mike’s red punch buggies…just another evidence that our kids truly have connected us to each other... 

love and peace to all,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

Hello everyone,

We just returned from our very long and exhausting trip to Virginia. We had our business meetings, helped my sister pack and move, sorted and packed our remaining "Jason" belongings in a pod for storage and did some house hunting....

We actually found a foreclosure home that we fell in love with.  It has a big room over the garage that would be a perfect office for the business.  We are anxiously waiting to know if they accepted our offer.  We know that it was the best as of yesterday morning ............ cross your fingers for us. We looked at a lot of homes and this is the only one we really could envision living in.

When we sorted through Jason's things, I ran across a spiral notebook that we kept on the counter in the kitchen. We left notes to each other during the busy days when he was in high school and we both worked. So many memories ....

I also found his name on the little cards that you put in with graduation annoucements. I kept them. I'm going to make a sticker for the back and attach them to balloons at his birthday celebration. That idea came from one of you ......

We visited The Pinnacle where Jay's ashes are resting ........ we hung wind chimes that we  all wrote messages on. They sound so pretty when the mountain wind rustles them. It was a beautiful sunshined filled day.

All in all it was a good visit ......... but, we're glad to be home.

[ericasmom]

Hi All, my computer at home has been on the fritz and so I am on the school's computer, just needing to say hi and that I am thinking of you all, praying for peaceful days and easy decisions.

BONNIE GOOD LUCK WITH THE THOUGHT OF MOVING AND ALL THE CHANGES UPON YOU. I know that it takes a great deal of energy but it sounds like you and your husband are quite connected and ready for change. Follow your heart.

Kathy, the photos of Tavian are gorgeous, he looks very much like his Momma. I love the look on his face with the raccoon. His Dad is a passive aggressive fool. Not around much but swoops in to be the Great Caped Super Dad once in a great while and makes you the heavy. It is a dance he does probably with all people and then his mom saves him and his reputation by taking in the dog...I agree that she now has this to use as a cnnector to her Grandson. I know so many humans like this, and I am sorry that you have to deal with them, but Lord knows, and Jess too, that you are doing the work that matters most. You are the love in the day that he can count on. We have a student, well way more than one, whose Dad is like that, not around for long periods of time, no child support, suddenly shows up with promises that are not going to be kept and we cringe at how the continued disappointment some of these kids go through. Unthinking people, and they constantly believe in their bull. Oh well, what we can do as the adults in thier lives is what you do each day, reassure them that you are there to make the decisions and help them through the times that are bumpy. Some of my kids who are pretty sad are starting to get that nobody has a perfect life, that perfect only exists in movies or tv shows. Real life is learning how to manuevere through all the days. Growth comes from experience with sorrow and joy and anger and boredom and finding how to best deal with them all. We are all in a constant stage of learning...of growth.

I love the idea of the weeping cherry blossoms and the photo. I know that leaving will feel difficult, but that Son of yours will follow you everywhere Carol, absolutely everywhere. It is nice to recognize and acknowledge that sometimes walking on eggshells relationship you share with Mike's wife. Can't be easy but it sure is nice that you are sensitive to it.

My heart to all,

Dee

[shellbellsmom]

Summergirl,

I love your picture of the orb amidst the beautiful angel lit sky...I have always been fascinated with orbs as so many of my pictures have them in it.  I took this one at a cancer walk (Leukemia & Lymphoma) last fall and the picture was just full of them.  When I saw it I knew we weren't walking alone.  I know we can't touch or see them anymore but their energy (soul) is always around us.  Yes, I believe.  Thanks for sharing it with us. 

[summergirl]

Shellbellsmom - what an incredible picture! So many angels walking among those who walked on the cancer walk - I am always amazed when I see an orb in a picture - it is the first time that I took a picture and the orb was there - it has always been my sister-in-law Jen, the only one who takes pictures and whenever we are around and in the picture an orb appears. Jen and her husband adopted a new born baby girl on Easter weekend and they named her Madison Jessica and she tells me all the time that she honestly believes that my Jessica sent Madison to them. Jen said that it didn't matter whether it was a boy or girl they were going to use Jessie's name. So yes I am a true believer in orbs. Thank you for posting the pic - it is beautiful.

Carol - thank you - the pictures are beautiful especially with Jessica saying good night. I try not to doubt myself when it comes to doing right with Tavian but it is sometimes the battle of the 2 little people standing on each shoulder, one telling to say yes and the other to say no - it can drive me over the edge at times but I am trying hard to stay strong and stand by my word. I never make a promise I can not keep and I know tha I must teach Tavian responsibilty - however when his "dad" does something like he did with the puppy then it just ends up confusing Tavian and that is the part that makes me so angry. Yes, I would love to gather all of the "dead beat dads" and toss them over the hill or better yet over a mountain!! Thank you for your kindness.

Dee - Yes Tavian's "disneyland dad" does the dance with all and mommy always steps in and saves him no matter what he does. It is funny as her an I just had a long talk last week about Tavian being responsible and when she has him that she must do what we do and not let him get away with certain things. She talked about how she always gave into Tavian's dad ever since he was born and she does not want to make the same mistakes with Tavian and then she turns around and lets his dad do something so wrong and saves him by keeping the puppy!!! Well, all I can say is we have full custody and if they want to play games they have chosen the wrong mi-mi to play games with - I can stop the visitations if I want to or I can cut down on the amount of time he spends there - I choose not to but will not allow them to play games with my life and Tavian's - so time will tell.      Tavian never asks about his dad which is sad but good - he will one day make up his mind about him when he is old enough to understand. I remember when he was coming every week to Jessica's apartment to see Tavian, they would play for a few hours, go to the park or whatever and then one day he stopped coming and Tavian refused to leave home as he was "waiting" for his dad!!! Jessica was so angry that she told his dad not to come again as it was to hard for Tavian to have him for a month or so and then he does the disappearing act and Tavian had no idea what was wrong. Too many children in this world live like that and it breaks my heart - I cannot understand how a person can have a miracle and choose not to be a part of their lives - the disappointment the children go through is devasting for them and some make it through ok and others do not. You sound like a great teacher to your class of children and they are lucky to have someone with the wisdom you have to help guide them in all the ways that you can. Have a good nite Dee and keep those wonderful postings coming.

Have a good nite to everyone and peace be with you - kathy 

 

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - I wish you luck with the house.  I guess one think I learnt from all here is that if its meant to be it will be.  I love hearing about the 'finds'.  Little things we find left for us from our kids.  

I find I frantically search for something of Mikes I know (or think I know) I have.  It like I want a little piece of him, to remind me he was here.  My biggest fear is that I will forget him or something about him.  I have a calendar in my mind that ticks over each day.  Today is May 30th. Its not Friday or even a special date as such, just 5 days before the date Mike came into my life and changed me forever.  I believe healing comes from remembering, with that comes tears - these wash over me and in someways now a kind of peace comes.

The orbs - Mammabets posted a picture of a wedding with a brilliant orb/light peeking over the rotunda.  No doubt in my mind Danny was working the lights that day.  The orbs around the walkers - a million orb angels providing the energy for those committed to this cause. 

Kathy - Jess really knows how to say hi!!

For me - well my orb came at an awards night for Mal's son.  James was up for an award and I took lots of pictures of him and his family. I download one and there on Jame's suite is an orb.  I have checked my camera, my program and all the other pics taken at the same time.....this one is the only one with the orb....Think Mike wanted to say hi! 

Take heart in knowning our kids are the light, the energy that sends us messages.  They are the punch buggies, the pennies from heaven, the houses that fit, music that plays in the wee hours of the morning when you type on this site and the gentle sound of windchimes in the distance!  

Trudi

[heartbeataway]

Thank you mikesmum .......... we do seem to track time now don't we. Yesterday was thirteen months for us. I keep thinking about how long forever is and that it's how long Jason is going to be gone. For the rest of my life is almost more than I can comprehend.

I'm fascinated by the orb chatter. I looked orb up today on the internet. When we took pictures at the house in Virginia, I think there are a number of orbs in a couple of shots. I'm not sure what to think of them or of the mention in the postings.  I almost asked the question, what are orbs and have any of you experienced them.

Wow!

Attached is a picture of the room over the garage at the house we put an offer on. Are these orbs?  It wasn't raining .......... There were also a number of birds (5 or 6) sitting on the top of the window as we went up the stairs to the room. They fluttered and went into the room and flew around while we were there. It was spooky. My grandmother thought birds getting inside your home was a bad sign...........  We had a bird that was in our Christmas wreath in 2006 that flew in when we opened the door. We didn't find it and get it out of the house until the next morning. It was hiding in the molding over a door. 

[briansdad]

This one hits way too close to home.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/news/story?id=3417414