Loss of an Adult Child

[johnnysmama]

Terri

Heathers beauty and love of life in her eyes brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing that beautiful soul with us. I have no more words.

 

Greg

You continue to give the world many gifts in memory of your beloved son, Brian. How beautiful how you honor him. Thank you for sharing all you do with us and I hope the golf outing was a success.

 

Peace, Kay

[johnnysmama]

Thank you Claudia for your post to Terri. There were many things I surely related to feeling as I have been at a low point lately and have reread your post a couple of times. Thank you for posting and giving me hope that I will survive this even if I am kicking and screaming the whole way.

Peace, Kay

[mikesmum]

Terri - When I stumbled my way here in April last year Mike had been gone 12 weeks.  The numbness was permanent and I was looking for answers...how long would these feelings of numbness, overwhelming sadness and loss continue? 

There were so many who had begun their journey ahead of me and many who began with me.  Each story has its own individuality yet the descriptions of the journey are so similar.  The pain lessens but we are never the same............

Like you I drew strength from Mikes (1st) angel day.  I promised my self 'just for one day' I would remember my son, celebrate him and try to break from the darkness that had encased me for that one year.  With each balloon, my heart took flight, searching for my son......knowing he was as they say 'free'.

Like you, I found in the days following I declined again and again.  One thing was different, there was some light between the darkness.  Like the sun that breaks through the clouds, thoughts, memories and  photos uncovered bought warmed my heart.

I love the picture of Heather - As with so many posted here it reflects the sparkle in her eyes and the cheeky grin that shows such a free spirit......

I can tell you that while you may experience the 'downtimes' they truly do get softer.  The rush of finding a penny - a memory that catches you unawares.  For me hearing music that Mike loves, (that plays at odd times and mainly without warning) gives me a feeling that his energy is never far away. 

Greg - How did the golf go?  Here it was about 8 degrees celcius with non stop rain all weekend........Congrats on yet another brilliant way to honour your son.....

Take Care all - Trudi

[heartbeataway]

Terri,

The picture of Heather is amazing!  What a beautiful daughter you have!

Claudia, I can so relate to your posting on the second year being harder. We are in the 13th month and I'm in a "quiet" place myself.  I think I'm just weary of this journey .......  it's so hard, so, so hard.   I read postings everyday I just have no energy to respond. My heart is very full but I have no words or energy to share them.   I so look forward to seeing Jason and meeting all the young people I'm getting to know here at BI.

Greg, Loved the golf reading.  Hope the tournament was more than expected. How proud Brian must be of you and how healing reaching out must be for you.

We're in Virginia for a few days.  Have some meetings, etc. connected to Jason's business.  It's bittersweet being here.  So many memories ......... so many tears. Where in the world do they come from??? 

Jason, Mom and Dad are missing you ..... missing you.... missing you.  We so looked forward to your smile at the airport when we arrived.  Drove by your house.....  Sure wish you were here ...... Love you dearly, always have, always will.

[briansdad]

I wanted to let all know that the day was beautiful.The kind of day they must have in heaven.I'm now heading out to go to the Lake of the Ozarks with Brian's brother Rob.So I'll be out of touch for a few days.

Pic of me and Rob

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Greg, Hope your time at the Ozarks w/ Rob is exactly what you both hope for, quality and fun.  Great photo!  You both look so much like "my peeps" back home. 

Blessings,  ~Claudia

[heathershope]

Thank you for all the posts....  It was good to hear my feelings of let down were normal.  It did feel so good for a day or two, them bam back to reality.  after the the realization strikes that it's still the same it hurts alot.  As one of you said it is a journey I will have to take "kicking and screaming" all the way but I'm on it so here I go.  It is so helpful to be able to come here and hear just what you needed to hear. 

Jasons mom, I'm sorry I forgot your first name...I am sorry you are feeling so down too. Sounds like you are just alittle ahead of me in this journey.  Jason's pictures always move be because you can tell how active he was and how much he loved the outdoors.  I sometimes feel, as I'm sure you do too, how can such a young active healthy young man just be gone?  I'm sorry...I don't mean to cause you more pain by stating the obvious, but it always catches my heart alittle.  Something in his smile feels familiar to me.  Maybe because he "sounds" like he was so much like Heathers boyfriend and I always think of Ian as so down to earth and I couldn't imagine anything happening to him but I know it can. I don't know what I mean, just that Jason moves me I guess.  I am weary from the journey too.  Well said!  I think that statement is the most true statement I've heard in a while.

Kay..I hope your low point starts to improve soon.  It is so sad that we are on this roller coaster of up/down, high /low, good day/ bad day.  Whatever happened to the good ole days when life was normal? 

Thank you all for your kind words about Heather. I enjoy hearing more about her "cheeky grin" than I do how beautiful she is (both are nice of course) but her impishness is her true essence and I am glad you recognized it.  That's why I love that picture so much.

God Bless you all,

Terri

[4everjoeysmom]

Terri, Big HUGS to you.  The journey is horrible, but having lots of friends in a caring community here makes it somewhat bearable and not so lonely, I think.... ~Claudia

[ericasmom]

NO matter what, we are in this thing, no way to not be, and so to be in this thing with all of you is something like a treasure. Certainly we are not made richer by the loss, never! But we are in the loss and made richer by those here willing to share thier hearts. I am moved each day by the ways everyone communicates here, adn I am made better by all of you. I carry your stories and your photos, (absolutely gorgeous Daughter you have Terri), into the day, each day. OUr children span the globe through our connections, and thier energy and ours builds quite a lovely spark on this Earth.

Peace to you all,

Dee

[summergirl]

Hello to all - been in a hole for a while now. Another wake tonight, our friends lost their son Travis, 20 years old, car accident - being at the funeral home brings back all the flashbacks of Jessica and the wake - it was so very diffacult to walk through the door and see the pain, saddness and shock in the faces of the parents - I kept thinking that was me 2 years and 3 months ago yet tonight it was if it was today. I am weary of the losses of those close to me and at a loss for words of comfort to them at such an early stage of the grieving - I hope I can be of some help as time passes. Things like this throw me backwards in time and it is diffacult to find my footing again.

Terri - your Heather is beautiful, the picture of her makes you feel as though you could reach out and touch her - you have been blessed with having such a beautiful spirit of a girl and the shine in her eyes speaks more than words can say.

Having a tough time with Tavian still but will be back at therapy next week and hoping for some guidance on how to deal with all of it. He has been talking of mommy alot and mostly with the anger showing. Last night as we were watching tv he suddenly told me to turn it off, I told him we always watch a little tv together and he replied "well thank you very much but I always watched tv with my mommy and now I am watching it with you and it makes me feel like your my mommy and your not", he was very loud and very angry and also confused. I turned the tv off and then he just snuggled with me and said "I love you mi-mi" and went to sleep. My heart cries out in anguish for him and for all that his little heart and mind is going through but all I can do is my best to keep going forward with him and having patience and most of all to not have a meltdown in front of him. We are going camping this memorial weekend and I am looking forward to getting away with him and our friends - I believe it will be good for him.  My problem is that I do not always have answers for him and I get angry with myself and feel so inadequate at times.

I have missed talking to all of you and am doing my best to catch up with all the postings. I think of all of you each day but cannot always seem to find the time lately to come on and talk and I miss that - the strength I gather from all of you is such a bright light in my otherwise darkess moments.

I miss you my Jessica and I hope that you have found Travis and help him on his journey in his new home - I know you will my love as you always did have a way of making everyone feel special and loved. I am missing you more than I can say and my tears fall endlessly with the loss of your beautiful smile and laughter, the phone calls, the laundry, the watching you with Tavian - everything about you is missed so much every minute of every day - I love you my sweet - mom

Good night to all and sweet dreams and strenght as each day passes with yet another first to overcome.  Kathy 

[ericasmom]

It seems the rebirth we witness in Spring leaves us all feeling empty in ways only grieving parents can feel. The bees came back, the buterflies, the perennial flowers and bushes, the birds, worms, and sweet breezes...what about our babies? They are with us...they are in all those wonders that we witness each day. Those of you experiencing winter...excuse my northen hemishpere reference please. The cold and wet well brings you to witness the sense of seasonal change and for me, each season that changes is one more reminder of time passing without Erica here. I think of all the things she did during the different times of year, what she loved best, how she spent the days. Snowboarding and sledding and skiing and skating in the winter, rollerblading, biking, just  hanging out with friends in the spring. Outdoors most of the time. It is outdoors that I feel her most.

Kathy, it sounds like you are reacting to many things right now, not the least of which is the loss of yet another young person. I know how that throws me. Since Erz died, we have known a few families that have also lost thier young adult child. It does throw us right back, sends us to the place that we are never too far from but certainly never want to be right there again and yet...we are. Facing other families whose lives have just been altered like this is unbearable. They read on your face what it is they now will travel. Oh how I wish we could make it so that nobody else loses their child. When that family is ready, you will probably be a great source of strength for them even though right now you do not feel like you could be. You are a very strong woman, raising Tavian and dealing each day with the challenges that are inherent in this kind of situation. I hope that getting away and changing the scenery is refreshing for your spirit. I also hope that you are not so hard on yourself when you don't have theanswers. I think if it were any of us in your shoes, and we did not have the answers for Tavian, you would wrap your heart around us and say, " now why would you have all the answers?" Why indeed! We simply don't, and it is okay to tell your Boy, I really don't know the answer to that right now. I will try to find out some day.

 

Terri, most of us have experienced the low that sucker-punches us after a bit of an inspirational time...we get through a time and gleen some goodness or insight from it and then WHAM! we don't know how we got that low that quick. It is the nature of this beast, so keep on keeping on. As you said, the fact that you were able to feel some goodness on Heather's Day is a good thing, and you will feel that again one day. It is not going to be today maybe, maybe not tomorrow either, but one day...She is holding you.

Our children are holding us and we hold them and in that I gain some peace.

Sleep Now,

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Greg, since you recently posted a pic of you and your son Rob, I thought I would pin one up of me and my son Patrick--taken Christmas Eve as we baked I don't know how many cookies that night.  I think the pic was taken in the final round at nearly midnight...  memories...  (I just got the pic this evening from my future daughter-in-law).  Hope you had fun at the Lake.  ~Claudia

[mikesmomrs]

Claudia:  What a wonderful picture of you and Patrick...it looks like you made enough cookies for all of Ecuador...did you bring any back with you?  I did not know that Patrick had "popped the question," I know this pleases you and you are looking forward to it all...I am so happy for you.

Last week we were notified by the cemetary that they had Mike's stone and would be placing it on Saturday-- we all assembled there on Saturday morning, some of us--including his oldest son--spread the ashes, and then the stone was placed.  It was an emotional time, to say the least, but I do feel that some higher level of "softness" occurred as far as our healing in our loss of Mike...

Damon, of course, didn't really know what was going on, only that this stone was being placed in the ground, so he provided the levity that we know Mike would have insisted upon...we know that Mike was there with us in spirit...on the way to the cemetary, our journey began with a red vw bug crossing our path, and on the way out of the cemetary, another red vw bug showed up...I swear sometimes I actually see a semblance of a smile across their front end...also, the two caretakers who came to set the stone were both wearing Red Sox shirts!  I could feel the warmth of Mike's smile on us all...

I thought of this song by Paul McCartney that Mike's sister Kim had asked me to put on his web site for "her" page of memories of him:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eddfq6g1gcI

Damon...resting on the family name...

Damon taking a seat on Mike's marker...

When Damon saw the picture of his daddy on the stone, he gathered up some flower petals that had fallen on the ground, and piled them all up on Mike's picture, as his gift to his daddy.

All of the branches around his stone were from trees and shrubs that he had helped us plant at our home throughout his life; forsythia, weeping cherry tree (how appropriate...), hemlock, and a blue spruce that was only 6 feet tall when he helped plant it and it is now a towering 30 feet tall!

 Aterward we all went to Pizza Hut for lunch and when we walked in the door, my instant thought was that the last time we were there, Mike was right there with us, laughing and enjoying himself and never giving a thought that this would likely be his last time to be there (which it was).  So, I felt that in order to honor him, I should also be laughing and enjoying myself this time, but it was difficult to say the least.  Knowing that he was there in spirit with us did help, as I tried to quickly move to the joyful spirit that I knew he would want us to be sharing, but it was hard to keep my mind from slipping away to the dark place of missing him so, so much. 

 love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[daniellemom]

Carol,

The stone and bench are very nice! Everytime I see a red VW I think of your Mike. I have to smile! How I never met him but I feel like I know him. I'm so glad you where able to smile at Pizza Hut, I know how very hard that is to do. Peace be with you.

Love and prayers always,

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol, I did manage to bring back a big ziplock baggie of those cookies.  I ate a thrid of them on the way home..LOL!  But Michael was fortunate enought to get a few.  They were cream cheese cookie press cookies, and super yummy.

I second what Sonya said.  Whenever I see a Volkswagon Bug (especially red), I always think of your story of Mike.  It's kind of rare to see a VW here, but a couple of weeks ago in the Cloud Forest of Mindo, there was a red one right in front of us.  I actually had a thought that Mike is here in Ecuador too. 

The marker and bench are beautiful, as are the precious Damon photos.  What a day of mixed emotion.  I have to hand it to you all that have a marked place of rest for your kids, while comforting to be in the quiet of the cemetary, it must also be so very sad too.  I admire your strengths.  With Joey having not been burried, our family doesn't have an actual marked place of rest.  Well, we do, but in a different way--no stone, no grave.  We get to see the horses run and play in that pasture, and somehow know that the spiritual essence of Joey is in part of that scene.  He loved his horses so much, and he loved that ranch.

Carol, there is so much I have learned from you about grieving with grace and honoring our children as we do.  I really and truly appreciate you.  I know I haven't written a personal letter to you in some time, nor anyone it seems, but I just want you to know how much you have touched my heart and my life by sharing yours.  I know it hasn't been easy, but you really do it with grace, despite the pain.  Much love, Claudia

[ericasmom]

Carol, I too love the stone and the bench. The photos are priceless really, and that you knew your Mike would expect some jovial moments made it even better. Go Damian. It is very hard isn't it, to see your child's name engraved in stone? Very hard. I agree with Claudia, you are a woman of grace.

 And Claudia, how pretty you are, so lovely to see you with your Boy. I can feel your joy at spending time with him. My heart lights up too when I get to spend a couple hours with my Son, Jon.

Today one of my daughter's best buddies came to school to have lunch with me. Susannah and Erica met in kindergarten adn became very close immediately and remained so throughout. Susannah just received her Masters Degree in Social Work. She and Eri used to dream about moving out to California and opening up a shelter for women and kids. This was when they were pretty young, but Eri held on to that thought and while it was so very hard for her to stay tuned in to any class(ADD) and because of her learning disabilities, it just wasn't going to happen the way it does for others. Perhaps she would have gone on to college later in life when she found ways to learn differently...who knows? Now Susannah will go out in the world and do the work that she and Eri wanted to do, adn I know Sus takes ERi with her everywhere she goes.  I get pretty sad sometimes after seeing one of Erica's buds, to think that they are 24 now and she left when they were all 19. I also am very grateful after I visit with Eri's friends, glad that it still matters to them to come and share stories and memories, to keep us up on thier  lives. Very dear.

Peace All, I am a bit melancholoy so parden my tone,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Carol, As I type I am playing the link for Mikes music.  Words and melody wash over me and I find tears mingled with an inner warmth.  The bench and memorial plaque reflect the simpliest yet most meaningful love for a son, brother, husband and father. 

Damon, most precious of all.  Grandbabies do have a way about them to bring things into order.  I love the picture of him stretched out over the family name. 

We had grandbabies this past weekend.  Zak is 6 and was 'entertaining' Mal's son and girlfriend.  They asked him about the guitar that sits behind me in my 'world'.  Without blinking he said 'its Mikes guitar, he died ya know'.  Its the innocents in what he says and the way he says it......I smile and know that Mike is around, watching Zak hoping one day he will pick that guitar up and make it sing......

Pizza Hut - mmmmmmm, sounds good to me.....Take Care....Trudi

[heartbeataway]

Carol,  The marker is really nice. I'm glad you had a good even though bittersweet day. I like others think of you and your Mike when I see a red VW.  Saw one just day before yesterday.

Claudia, I almost feel like we've been personally introduced after seeing your picture with your handsome son. 

Dee, There's nothing wrong with melancholy ........ bless your heart........

Kathy, I'm so sorry about the loss of Travis. I hope things are easier with Tavian now that Mother's Day has passed. Jessica is so proud of you and so grateful that Tavian is in such good hands. 

Greg, great picture of you and Rob.  The Ozarks are beautiful.  Hope you had good weather!

Trudi,  a weekend with grandchildren.  What I wouldn't give ......

My husband and I are in Virginia.  We have some meetings for Jason's business. Accounting & legal.  We are also seeking new business and hoping to bring on a new person to manage new business.  We will look at some homes tomorrow.  We  are still trying to decide if our home should be here ........  and make sure it's not an emotional decision. 

Yesterday, one of his best friends and the person who worked side by side with Jay everyday dropped by to pick us up for dinner.  When the truck came into view as it came down the winding driveway, my husband and I both became emotional. Jason's friend now drives his Dodge Ram Dooley (did I spell that right?)  It was hard to see that truck arrive with Jason in it ....... how many times can one heart break??

Goodnight guys.  I hope we all sleep and find comfort in our dreams. Please send any advice our way that might help us decide what steps to take in all these tough business/move decisions we're struggling with. We want to honor Jason and keep his business and grow it as he planned......... it's just that with so little experience in construction ourselves we're afraid of letting him down ......

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

 

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - I count amoungst my blessings the fact that I was given Grandbabies.  Unfortunately Mike's partner has decided not to include his family in their daughters life....so my grandbabies are from Mikes siblings.  Uncle Mike was that 'special' person in their lives.  For Em he was the grownup who took the time to build cubbies from appliance boxes....for Zak he was the incredible Uncle Mike who could swoop him up in his arms and make like a plane flying through the air.  For Caleb, he was the Uncle who would sit with him and just let him be Caleb....for Jeya, well he was the man with the strong arms that held her gently throughout Christmas Day 06. 

Tonight I was again blessed.  Its Education Week at Emily's school.  We started  in her classroom, she had been made VIP this week.  She gets to sit at a special desk, is in charge of getting the roll for her teacher and has created her biography for the class to read. She got stuck on how to spell Granmas real name!  I got to watch her perform in the Choir. They sang 'Salt Water' by John Lennons son, tears.  Then she performed with her Aerobics group.  All of this was something Mike would have loved......Emily enjoying music in all things........

I can only imagine how your heart felt seeing Jasons car rounding the corner.  I have seen Mikes once and I swear my heart stopped. 

This is a picture of Uncle Mike and a very young Emily Jade, making a mansion from a washer box.......Take Care Each and everyone of you.....the journey is long, but the load lessened by those we meet along our way......Trudi

[heathershope]

Kathy...I am so sorry Tavian is having such a rough time and thus so are you.  That must be heartbreaking...and to have to deal with it when your heart is already broken must be terrible.  I am lucky in that my grandduaghter is just that, my granddaughter.  It makes me sad that she will not get to grow up and have her aunt Heather be a part of her life, but she has her parents and I just get to enjoy her (she was only 10 1/2 mos old when Heather died).  My heart breaks to feel what that poor little boy must feel and then it breaks again that you have to watch helpless as someone you love feels so much pain as you are feeliong it yourself.  I'm sure I did not just cheer you up, sorry, I just felt so bad reading your post.

I am also sorry to hear about your friend's son....another family to have to live this hell.  You will be able to help, you probably did just by being there.  They knew someone there...KNEW. 

Thank you all for your kind comments about Heater...I am lucky she was mine for the time she was...she made me laugh, her memory still brings a smile to me and a chuckle at her antics.  I feel like I can reach out and touvh her in some of her photos too...that feeling hurts.  Makes it a little more real.  I want to grab her and pull her back into my world, but obviously I can't then I feel sad.

I know I am forgtting something so don't be surprised if I'm back in about two minutes.

 

Terri

[heathershope]

Dee...you are what I forgot...the analogy that I was sucker punched is exactly right.  I didn't have a handle on why I was so low again really but it is like a sucker punch, when you feel things are turning around and then...BAMMMM!!!!  Well said, thank you.

Terri

[mikesmomrs]

Thank you all so very much for your comments about Mike’s stone and Damon.  It was a day I would rather never have had to live, but all things considered I would have to say that things went pretty well and we all seemed to gain something from it.  

Terri:  I never got to say that I love Heather’s picture also, and as you said, it is those pictures that truly tell a story (her cheeky grin) that really stick in your heart and bring you a smile now and then.  I am glad also for the time we had with Mike…I would never give that up, no matter how painful all this has been or how much more pain we will have to endure.  His life meant so much to so many, and his love will live on in his children.   I am so glad that you have wonderful memories of Heather…and you know she is with you every day, right by your side.  

Claudia:  I haven’t written any personal letters in quite a while either…with things on the go all the time here either getting this house ready to show or working on the other house getting it ready to live in, time is on wings around here.  Thank you so much for your kind words and I am so glad that I can provide support sometimes when someone is down.  And I send those sweet words right back to you; you have been such a good friend and helped me so much through the early parts of this journey, and your wisdom and the blessing of knowing you have both been gifts to me that I will treasure always.   As for the red vw’s, Mike truly loved the rainforest and I am sure he would be so happy to be there in your wonderful part of the world---I hope he doesn’t stay there long, though…we would miss his little visits and signs here in our part of the world.  I think I mentioned once that there is a classic red vw bug that lives right down the street from our new house!  

You are all so understanding and so “ready” for being there for someone, it is just amazing.  I have said before and I truly believe it, that our kids have sent us to each other, knowing that we would be here for each other whenever.  

Trudi:  I too hope that Zak will one day pick up that guitar and strum away…we know that Mike will be there, guiding him.  Funny that you mention Zak…last weekend we took Damon to his cousin’s baseball game, and while he was there, he met a little boy named Zak, and they played together the whole time we were there.  This Zak was only 3, and Damon and Zak hit it off right away and played so well together.  Damon will be our last grandchild, and we try to enjoy every second of the moments when we are with him.  As usual, he is growing too fast, just like all of them have done.

I am so glad you got to see Emily in her school participation week…it must have been just wonderful for you to be there, for you and for her!

Kathy:  I am so sorry about your problems with Tavian.   I think that pretty much all you have said regarding his behavior and trying to deal with the loss of his mom sounds pretty normal and are to be expected, but that doesn’t make it any easier when your heart is being ripped apart again because you can’t provide him the answers he wants.  And I am truly sorry about your friends’ son, Travis.  Yes, you will be able to help them through this, though I wish that you didn’t know a thing about how to understand what they are going through!

Oh, Bonnie, I am so very sorry that there is such upheaval going on in your decision-making…it must be terribly difficult.  It has been so very difficult for us, and we are only moving 11 miles away!  Moving to another state, starting over…that is a tough decision.   However, I really don’t think you have to worry about letting Jason down as far as the business is concerned….he is there with you, and whatever comes about will be understood by him that you did your best.  He would want you to live your life to the best advantage for YOU and his dad, and not for any direction that he would have taken himself.  At one point I believe you had said that you and your husband were planning on going into business with Jason…and you likely feel a sense of responsibility to complete that endeavor for Jason.  It is a very, very tough decision, and I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts for strength and wisdom for you to make the right one.

I also know what you went through when you saw Joshua’s truck drive up without him in it…the pain is piercing and sudden, and you are never prepared for it.  Mike gave his sister Cathi his van before he passed away, and the first time she drove it after he died was just too much for me…I have finally gotten used to it, but I have not been in it yet, either.  

And Dee, you are so fortunate that you see Eri’s friends… and experience their continuing love for her.  It is bittersweet, I am sure, but the love they feel for Eri is shared with you and yours with them, and each of you provides healing for the other.

Love and peace to all,

carol   mikesmomrs

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, I agree with what Carol said.  For all of the wonderful things you shared about Jason, we're getting to know him well through you.  He would want you and his father to continue your plans in a way that is best looking forward for the both of you and not necessarily the direction he personally was going.  If it is meant to be, you will know...  and I too will be praying for wisdom and discernment for you both as you seek to make the right decisions with home and business.  Blessings, Claudia

[ericasmom]

Hey All,

about the cars...one evening about 2 years after Eri died, I sat in an alley with my Son, waiting for his mechanic to get his car back. His mechanic pulled up in an old fixed up Caddie. It was ERica's. Her Grandma's old car and her Dad bought it from his Mom when Eri was 18. It was old then but in pretty good shape. Once Erz got a hold of it, it depreciated greatly. She was as hard on cars as she was on clothes and shoes. Anyhow, the mechanic bought it from Jonathan, adn there it was. NO more duct tape holding the exhaust pipe on to the frame, it looked as it did when she first received it. (Eri was driving her friends car when the train hit her, she lent her car to her friend who needed a big car to move some furniture.) It took my breath away to see the old Caddie. I had to clean it out after she died. It was as messy as I remembered, some shoes from a camping trip, sand from the beach, towels from the beach, old unpaid tickets...Boy do I miss her.

Last night, feeling particularly sad, walking as the sun was beginning to set and talking to Eri and crying. I looked up at he huge heavy clouds and Erica turned them a rosy-salmon pink. They were amazing, folks were out on their lawns looking up. It was my little pink girl. I was deeply touched by the color of the sky, thanks Erica.

My heart to all,

Dee

[ericasmom]

[align=center]Light[/align]

[align=center]Washed in the morning light,[/align]

[align=center]a privilege to bathe in that which[/align]

[align=center]opens the curtains to a new day.[/align]

[align=center]And no matter the weather,[/align]

[align=center]I trudge forward.[/align]

[align=center]The morning soaks its hope[/align]

[align=center]and energy into me,[/align]

[align=center]causing me to feel[/align]

[align=center]the holiness at the altar of the day.[/align]

[align=center]I am washed in forgiveness,[/align]

[align=center]in quiet splendor,[/align]

[align=center]in passion and compassion,[/align]

[align=center]and blessed anew in the promise that lies [/align]

[align=center]in the light.[/align]

[align=center]

By Dee[/align]

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, Yet another story about Eri that reminds me of a like-theme with Joey.  He was hard on cars too, as also on clothes and shoes.  I don't think he ever drove a car that somehow didn't depreciate immediately as soon as he got behind the wheel.  Funny...  Good ole duct tape!

[summergirl]

Carol - the marker is so beautiful and little Damon putting flower petals on Mike's picture is priceless. The little children of this world teach us so much.  Yes, I know that Tavian's behavior is "normal" but as you say it is not an easy thing to go through, especially when you try so hard to find the answers for him and you don't even have them for yourself. Thank you.

Terri - You did cheer me up just by talking to me - it is so hard when family and friends try to put things into "perspective" for you and not really talk about the truth of what is going on. It is as though when I talk about Tavian's behavior and how diffacult it is they do the same thing they do when I try to talk about Jessica - change the subject, say it will be ok and on and on the list goes. Sometimes I get so angry but it does me no good as those who do not walk this road can be ignorant although I do realize they do not mean to be.  I long for the days when I was "just mi-mi" and he could come spend a weekend with us and we could spoil him like crazy and then send him home to mommy - it can never be again - I am strong and I will survive this as I will survive all other obstacles that arise because I have no choice in the matter and I will not let Jessica or Tavian down.  We are so very lucky to have had our child for the time we did and I understand about looking at a picture and it is as though you can reach out and feel them - I put my finger on a picture of Jessica and rub it along her arm, close my eyes and it is as though I am touching her once more.

Bonnie - thank you for your kind words of Travis - another young life lost to an accident - the pain I see in his mother's eyes reminds me of me then and now.

Trudi - how special my friend that you got to see Emily being the VIP - how wonderful for you it must have been.  I too know the feeling of seeing the "car" - we sold Jessica's about a month after as I could not bare to have it in my drive - I see it every now and then and my heart cries out.

Tavian is sleeping - took him to the doctors last night as he has been complaining for a while that his stomach hurts all the time and I was worried. She said it is just from "stress" (poor little one) and gave him a little something to help settle it but wants to see him again in two weeks. It scares me so that it could be something else. I find myself getting scared over the slightest things when it comes to my family and especially Tavian - as though they also will be taken from me so it is off to the doctors for the slightest thing.

I want to say thank you to all of you for helping me and guiding me with Tavian - it seems as though I talk about him alot but you are the ones who understand and give me the advice and the uplift that I need in my darkest moments - so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I am going to try and post a picture of Jessica's stone - I have been having some trouble getting my computer to do the right size so it may or may not work. God Bless you all and sweet dreams when you sleep.  Kathy

 

[summergirl]

The saying at the bottom is "if tears could build a stairway and memories a lane I would walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. The saying on the curve line is "I love you to the moon and stars mommy"  It is what Jessica and Tavian said to each other every night since he was born.  Kathy

[heartbeataway]

Kathy - the marker is precious!  Glad the picture worked out.

I am so blessed to have you guys in my life.  You make a difference!  I value your friendship and your advice.  I know it comes from the heart ..... broken hearts...but never-the-less, hearts that understand.

Thank you!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[briansdad]

Hi,Just got back tonight. Fishing was great lost count of how many we caught.Also just so you know I practice catch and release so my grand kids can catch them one day.So here is the story of the week.I was down at the place that we stayed about two weeks ago. There had been no one staying there since then.They have a cement patio that is next to the the wall by the lake.I know we had walked on it when we were down there while we were doing some chores and we found nothing then. I was standing on it talking to Rob in the boat and looked down and right there was two quarters.Brian was there!!! I have been married for 31 years and NEVER found any money in our fridge....Until we lost Brian.twice now we have found pennies in the fridge.I used to be a doubter but I'm starting to believe that there has to be something to this.

Any way he was there and I knew it.

[ericasmom]

Claudia, the similarities between Joey and Eri are amazing. I do believe they are soul siblings, or twins of some sort. I picture them laughing at some of our silliness, as they duct-tape the heavens. Did Joe love Police Tape? Eri loved the stuff since she was about 12. She brought some home from a crime scene of some sort, and lined her windows in it. That's an attractive look! My funky little girl. They made their mark in such funny ways, exasperating ways as well, but nevertheless, funny.

Kathy, the stone is beautiful, like Jess. I love that you included the phrase she and Tavian shared. As he grows he will know her legacy of love for him, and he will not doubt the love you pour into him. I find you amazingly strong. How difficult it must feel some days to both grieve and assist him in his grief journey. It is plain to see and feel the struggle of not wanting to let Jess nor Tav down. Please remember though, that nobody has all the answers, don't punish yourself if you can help it.

I understand about family or friends just so unsure of how to deal with us, as though we have become the 'wierd one' because they can't seem to deal honestly with death, the death that has changed us. And so instead they steer around the truth, around the life-changing experience that has made us different than we once were. And they can't handle that we are not as free and easy with laughter, or that we talk about our long lost child causing them to cast their eyes downward, to clear their throats and develop nervous ticks. And we're the weird ones?

 I am lucky in that my sisters and nieces are not like that, but there have been friends who are, and I do not associate with those people any longer. Time is far too important than to waste it with folks that simply love you for who you used to be. I am me with lot's of cracks, with deep sadness, with memories to share. I am still me, but different, I have more spaces in my spirit and more spirit in my spaces. I walk and breathe and sleep with deeply precious thoughts everyday and I know what is most dear in this world. this moment is most dear, and then the next, and the next...

Sleep well Everyone,

dee

[ericasmom]

Indeed he was there Greg. How lovely that you felt his presence.

Dee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

It's May 22, Jennifer Kacy Lee's angel day. I miss her. Her heart was pure gold and her soul like the arctic snow. I stepped off my bus about an hour ago, exhausted and road beaten. We're in town only for Jenni's special day, then I'm going to visit my new granddaughter before heading out for more concerts. Francesca Rose was born on May 1. When I return, I'll share a photo. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

[mikesmum]

[user=12073]alwaysmyjennifer[/user] - Thoughts, prayers and energy to you on Jennifers Angel Day.  One live gives way to another.  A precious Grandbaby......Truly they are old souls that come to soothe our broken hearts.

Kathy- What a beautiful tribute to the amazing Jess....to the moon and back....words from my babies with hugs when they were little, each night before sleeping.   As for Tavian, it is hard to work out exactly what is bothering them sometimes.  Their language and communication is still developing and many times they just can't put into words what they feel.  I think the doctor has the right idea, review in a couple of weeks is a great idea.  Something else you need to make the therapist aware of.   Just remember, mi-mi also needs to be mindful of the streses in her life.  Take Care of yourself my friend...

Dee - the words as always so focussed with such subtly.  I look at Eri's picture and she reminds me so much of a friend my daughter has.  We call Kelly the earth bound fairy, one free spirit with a light and energy that pours from within. 

Greg - Catch and release, brilliant.  We have a fishing guy here that actually kisses the fish before he releases...that part I am not so sure of.  As for the signs, I believe as I have said before, the earthly body may have left with it the communication of word.....but the energy still remains and the signs are how our kids find us to let us know they are watching out for us.

Carol - Zak truly is my practical and grounded one.  I watched him play basketball this past weekend.  We all played basketball I even became a referee to understand the game better when the kids were younger.  I was in stitches for the whole game.  Too many people were around Zaks goal so he as did others in the team ran the length of the court to the other goal - yep that right - not his goal!! 

Claudia - The pictures of you and Patrick are great.  Joey shines through you both, the eyes, the smile.  Take Care - Trudi

[mamabets]

For Kathy~ What a beautiful stone for Jessica...Jess, so Jess~

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with Tavian- I am going to try to find a picture of this AMAZING book that , perhaps, you could do with him. There is one for Mom's and Dad'd too..Sit tight...

OK- There it is- I HOPE that this could help the both of you..It was the beginning of my journaling~ Maybe if he could "write his own little feelings down", it would help!!

Keep me posted- Call me anytime at 704-892-8386.

LOLE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For alwaysmyjennifer~ My heart and love are with you, and go with you, wherever life is taking you now! I know you and those babies!!!

Life...New life~ There is nothing like it after somethig like this~

Be safe, and smile miles of smiles, OK?

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For Johnnysmama~ There have been times that I have "kicked and screamed" so many tears, that I have lost my breath... The tears sting my eyes like I have soap in them...

It is scary as hell, but it helps. Feel what you are feeling, and do all that you can to keep whatever emotions that are intact for the moment, to shine through. Little by little, it DOES soften. Some parts of it get so completely filled with belief, while others overflow with disbelief. It is hard being pulled between the two.

We all understand~

LOVE

mamabets 

[mamabets]

For mikesmum~ I can not tell you how much the music soothes my soul. I am also BLOWN away by the songs that come on the radio in the car at any given time- Danny's favorites, and I am reminded once again that he is always here. I listen , and it often takes me to my cozy spot with my doggies and my CD's...

LOVE

mamabets

[mikesmum]

Mammabets - Its so true.  Many times the music that seeks me out is not from my era nor music I would be normally drawn to....but there it is.  Love the picture, I see that beam of light in so many places at the most extraordinary place.....Love those Dashies.......Keep the faith......you bring to much to so many here.  Trudi

[mamabets]

For shellsmom~ "Hello From Heaven" was the first book that I read that completely validated all that was happening around me since Danny had passed. A brilliant collaboration of stories that do bring people hope...

Each year on Danny's angel date, I celebrate him with a book, a letter to each member of my family, all sorts of different things. This year I got the sweet little book "I am wherever you are" by N.A.Noel. Someone here had put the link on and I thank you- Absolutely beautiful, and it sits at my bedside. His angel date is June 16, 2004- Taken off of life support on the 21st. He held my hand the night of the 16th, as he entered Heaven. They gathered 5 recipients for organ donation. Jackie knew how important this was to him.

I love the picture of your Shelly with her doggie..They do bring comfort!

This is the last picture taken of us all with our 4 doggies..They are all still going strong, ages 10-15!! I tell them "Do not you dare leave here before me"

They are the talk of the veterinary community!! LOL

LOVE

mamabets 

[mamabets]

For mikesmom~ The blessed little Damon..He is so precious, and so full of fun, yet you can tell when he is just "lost in thought"

God love him~

I am so happy that you get to see the kids alot, Carol. So important..Jackie is so far away, so many other babies scattered. It makes this harder, for sure.Thank goodness for the internet!!!

The latest..Caroline out of the high chair and sitting up with Julia.. "SO BIG"

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For briansdad~ PHEW says the fishy!! I am so glad that you and Rob got away, and I am REALLY psyched that the quarters appeared...Brian will make a believer out of you yet!!

Maybe write this stuff down so you can go back and see all of the signs that have been there so many times...Jan's baking cookies?? THAT was huge!!!!!

And, always remember, you and your "Pennies From Heaven" started the ball rolling with this sign...There have been so many people that have been helped by finding pennies....EVERYWHERE!!!

LOVE

mamabets 

[heathershope]

Alwaysmyjennifer...thoughts and prayers are with you as you relive this most difficult time.  Take solace on the innocence of the babies, my grandduaghter has been my salvation this past year.

mamabets...I was so glad to hear you say kicking and screaming so much that sometimes the tears felt they had soap in them.  I have seriously over this past year had tears that burned my eyes so bad they felt like you said...that there was soap in them.  That is odd, what is the cause I wonder other then pure grief.  I had even asked a few of the nurses I work with if they knew of anything that could cause that sensation, I even stopped wearing my contacts and went back to glasses to see if it made a difference...it didn't. Maybe after a while all the tears just change the acidity of your eyes.  It's amazing the things that pop up here that you wouldn't even think to ask about but then in an off hand comment, there it is.

To all...In reading the post I see the pain and the beauty and grace from all of you.  It changes day by day, minute by minute. As Jasons mom wrote..it all comes from the heart, even if they are broken, you can rely on the truth of the words.  It is a sad blessing to be able to come and read the posts for this reason.  In them there is truth, understanding, sorrow, beauty, despair and hope.  Wow...!!!  And Dee, I wish I had your ability to put thoughts into poetry, what a great outlet.  Have you considered a book on poetry...if even just for the grieving? Regardless I am glad you share them with us.

Terri

 

[simonsmam]

It was Simon’s birthday last week on May 15^th and the second anniversary of his death on May 20^th. Such an emotional week but as usual we have come through it somehow. Simon would have been 29 and shares his birthday with my eldest grandchild who was nine. My husband and I went to the cemetery to lay flowers at 11.25a.m which was the time he was born ( luckily he was not born at 3 in the morning !!!) His headstone was only placed 3 weeks ago so it was different to last year. His wife had already been and had arranged her flowers so beautifully. Stephen, my husband was very tearful, he misses his only son and best friend so much. It was the words on Joanne’s card that upset me. She had put ‘’Happy birthday Handsome’’ which broke my heart. She had also put 3 red roses (which signifies ‘I love you’ ) on the fence at the scene of the accident which is just a few yards down the road.

The afternoon was spent celebrating my grand-daughter’s birthday. She had requested Indian party food so Stephen, who used to be a chef was kept distracted preparing the food. It was lovely to be together. Because my daughter has just bought Simon’s house there seemed to be a closeness to Simon at the gathering. Everything is bittersweet now. I realise this more and more as time goes on. My little grand-daughter deserves a happy day on her birthday and we all try so hard. She is so brave and made a special card to take to’ Uncle Sim’. Not an easy thing to do for a young child on her birthday.

We had the 2^nd anniversary this week…..such an emotional rollercoaster. We survive by supporting each other as a family….just like our online family here I guess.

We found it so hard to believe that two years have passed since we lost him. We marked the second anniversary as a family and with some of Simon’s friends.

We put flowers and messages at the roadside where Simon lost his life. This is only a short distance away from the cemetery. Then we let off lots of balloons with our special messages for Sim. Last year we chose blue and green because my grand-daughter said they were his favourite colours. This year we chose some with butterflies on which were quite pretty.

When we let the balloons free, they soared high above the trees and someone noticed that they had formed an outline of a heart. Then they formed an S (For Simon?) and then a question mark. The children enjoyed sending the balloons into the sky….the little ones know they are for Simon in the sky but are innocent too. I had bought some bubbles for them and they really enjoyed sending Simon lots of bubbles and the adults were amused watching the children. The balloons looked so pretty and with the children there it lightens the occasion and lifts the mood and sadness of the day.

Simon’s wife Joanne’s words on her flowers touched me once again. My husband Stephen finds it hard putting flowers at the roadside.

We spent some time in the cemetery then went back to our house for some burgers, hot dogs etc. This is quite fitting as Simon had a burger van when he was a student!  

I think we get through these days because we include our 6 grandchildren in all we do. We try to find a way to cope with and acknowledge our own grief whilst involving them in a way that is not too upsetting or traumatic. We are so lucky to have our 2 girls and their families. But we miss our son with all our hearts. 

Thank you for all your support,

Love to all,

Avril xxx

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

  Such a  dear picture of little Caroline "graduating" up to a booster seat at

the table with sis, Julia. Also, the photo of your family with the pups---so

cute !   Yes, Danny's angel day (June 16), and my Dave's angel day

(6/14)  are right around the corner. Our angels will give us strength & hope.

 

 Alwaysmyjennifer

  I wish you peace and tranquility on this day---Jennifer's angel day. May

your heart and soul be soothed by your new little grandchild, who is surely

a blessing to you.

                                          Daveysmom,  Sherry

[briansdad]

I'm feeling a little melancholy today.Tomorrow we're off to our family get away at table rock lake in southwest Missouri.We have done it for all the years the kids have been around.It doesn't seem right to do it with out Brian but  for the other kids sakes and the grand kids I go.I found this on you tube and I've played it alot to try and pick me up.Hope it works.

[4everjoeysmom]

Simonsmam, so bittersweet...  I am so glad that family (especially the sweet grandchildren) and wonderful memories of Simon carried you through these difficult days.  The activities and remembrances you described are lovely...   My heart is so sad for you and all of us having to work our way through days once so perfect and now so changed...  Bless you.

Mamabets, I too enjoyed seeing the picture of the girls.  Time is passing so quickly as a measure in keeping up with the changes of the little ones.  If there is some consolation in that, it is that the more quickly time passes, the more near we are to soaring onward as well, to the great reunion.  I hate to think of going and leaving those behind who love me, but at the same time I look forward to meeting up with the ones gone before me.  What a mixed up bag life hands us...  Keep the pics and stories coming.  They always bring smiles.  Love, Claudia

 

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Greg, I hope that you find moments of peace and comfort at Table Rock as you remember years back spent there with Brian.  You're right!  It's so weird and not right with our boys missing from places they should be--WITH US.  Hope you get a pick me up...  maybe some more quarters and pennies...    Safe travels and blessings, Claudia

[summergirl]

Avril - my heart goes out to you on the birthday and the angel date. So happy that you celebrated with your 6 grandchildren - they bring such joy. It is all so bittersweet. I am happy that your family is so close - you are blessed my friend yet the pain of missing your son can over ride all else at times.

Greg - happy you had a great fishing trip and have become one of the believers of pennies from heaven - I find them too yet Tavian finds more than I - the strangest times they will appear.

alwaysmyjennifer - loving thoughts to you on this Angel day - the weeks leading up to it are so hard and then the actual day you get slammed with so many emotions. I have passed to two year date and am already dreading the third. Bless you.

mamabets - thank you for the "angel catchers for kids" - I am going to get it and try it with Tavian - he loves to write and draw so I believe it will be a huge help. Thank you so much and a million thanks for telling me I can call you!!!

Dee - you are right - no one has all the answers - I just sometimes feel as though I need to have them for Tavian. When I can not give him an answer I tell him I will think about it and we will talk later and that seems to help. Thank you for thinking I am "amazingly strong" - sometimes I am but other times I feel weak, helpless and so lost that I want to get in the car and drive for a very long time then I look at Tavian and my strength builds once again. You have an incredible way with words and your postings give me more strength each time I read them.

Trudi - how right you are about the language and communication - it is so hard for Tavian to express in words what he is feeling as he doesn't really know - it is the same for me, I sometimes am so grief stricken that I cannot explain the depth of the pain. I am going to try mambets idea about the angel catcher. Believe me I know that mi-mi has stress in her life but I am working hard to take some time out for myself each day - Tavian and Pop-pop went grocery shopping today so I had an hour of down time although my down time seems to include laundry, dishes and vacuuming and dusting - the never ending battle of keeping up with the two men in my life - I do believe sometimes I have two 6 year olds in the house!! Bless you my friend.

To all - thank you for you beautiful words of Jessica's marker - it is so beautiful yet there are times I cannot get out of the car - I just sit there and look at it and cry until the tears can come no more. Tavian loves to read the words "I love you to the moon and stars mommy" - he traces the words with his fingers, another heartbreaker. He is my strength, my reason to keep going.  All of you are so wonderful that it is hard for me to tell you what it means to have all of you in my life - your words of inspiration are my therapy and I love you all for it. I would truely be lost without all of you.  God Bless you.   We are going away camping tomorrow and will return on Monday so I will catch up with all then. Tavian is so excited and it makes my heart happy to know that he will have a good time and lots of friends are going with us so he will fly kites, play and forget the sad things for a little while.  Love to all - Kathy 

[messenger]

:(HI ALL.....I THINK IT WOULD BE NICE IF WE ALL...COULD GO OUT AND BUY A BALLOON OR TWO AND PUT OUR KIDS PHOTO ..ADDRESS,,,AND NUMBER ON IT...COVER IT WITH TAPE AND SAY SOME MUCH NEEDED WORDS TO OUR KIDS ANDLET IT GO THIS MEMORIAL DAY................................I THINK.............IT JUST MIGHT GIVE US ALL SOME MUCH NEEDED PEACE...WE KNOW..THEY ARE WITH US BUT SOMETHING...ABOUT TALKING TO THEM AND LETTING THE BALLOONS GO.....RELIEVES ALOT OF PRESSURE ON US

I PLAN TO MAKE IT TO THE GRAVE YARD..ONE WAY OR THE OTHER...MAKING TIME FOR MY DEAR SON..WHO I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL AND KNOW..WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN IN GODS TIME

MAY THE LORD....FILL ALL YOUR HEARTS WITH HIS  PEACE .....COMFORT YOU AND ALLOW OUR KIDS TO COME THRU IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER..

MY PRAYERS GO OUT TO ALL OF YOU

LOVE GERI JAMES MOM