Loss of an Adult Child

[grammy3613]

HI ALL!! I HAD A GREAT TRIP TO IO PICK UP MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER AND MY GRAND BABY. I WENT WITH MY MOM AND MY DAUGHTER JAMIE. WE LAUGHED AND CRIED AND WE HAD A GREAT TIME. IT WAS NICE TO HAVE A BREAK FROM HERE AND WORK. I HOPE EVERYONE IS HAVING A GOOD EVENING. GOD BLESS   GRAMMY KELLIE

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, I hear ya on the Mom's Day issues...  This is my 2nd w/o having Joey...  And this year is so hard for my mom as well (her hsband 2 months in an Alzheimer Caqre center and all), so we had a good talk and cry together on the phone a couple of days ago.  I did just get a Mother's day message from a friend, and I thought it was really sweet.  I'll paste it below...  and wish all of you in advance moments of comfort and peace on a day that is profoundly changed and difficult for us all...  With Love, Claudia

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up puke laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, 'It's okay honey, Mommy's here' . Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted. This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse. For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes. This is for all of the mothers who lost children too soon as they helplessly anad painfully had to say goodbye; For the mothers who grieve and for the grandmother's who are unexpected new mothers.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors. And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football, hockey or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars, so that when their kids asked, 'Did you see me, Mom?' they could say, 'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,' and

mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp th eir feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens. This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand)mothers who wanted to,but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat. For all the mothers who read 'Goodnight, Moon' twice a night for a year. And then read it again. 'Just one more time.'

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jumpshot. This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls 'Mom?' in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college. This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FI NE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them.

For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green. For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting. For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good Mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time? Or is it in her heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son  or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time? The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby? The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in your home? Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation... And mature mothers learning to let go. For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. Single mothers and married mothers. Mothers with money, mothers without.

This is for you all. For all of us.......................

[mikesmum]

Thank you Claudia, a univeral prose that applies to all.  Thank you Greg for your Dear Mr Hallmark....again so much appreciated and so so relevant...(even for fathers day).

Am off for a holiday....6 days to Tasmania with the other half.   We made front page news here in the local paper.......Mikes last day made the headlines.....How I wish the story line was -  "Boy returns to broken hearted mother'.

Happy Mothers Day to one and all............Trudi

[kalimac]

[user=19592]johnnysmama  [/user]

I loved your video of the balloon launch. We have been thinking of doing something similar at the interment . . my son has not been buried yet  . . so we need to deal with that at the end of May.  Thank you so much for sharing. I have been thinking of orange balloons because my son and his friends had some type of 'secret' they all shared about the number 7 and orange. When he was diagnosed with cancer the kids made up orange bracelets with his name and the number 7 on them . . we never could figure out what that meant even though we asked him all the time. He just smiled. So . . orange it will be . .

As many of you do . . there are some days which are good and some that are not so good . . but we are still coping. I just miss him so, so much and the Spring just brings back floods of memory.

Patty R

Mom to Nathan

11.13.87 - 2.11.08

[ericasmom]

Patty,

definitely orange balloons. His friends will love it for whatever the secret reason is. I know one thing for sure Patty, you are a strong woman, and your Son must be very proud of the ways that you are able to reach out and both give and receive help at this point in your life. I hope that the day you gather in your Boy's memory, that it is a blue-sky day.

Trudi, I sure hope that you have a fabulous holiday away. We will look forward to hearing about it when you return. It sounds exotic and wonderful.

Peace to All,

Dee

[summergirl]

Claudia - love all the words, the apply to so many moms/grandmoms. The words about reading "Goodnight Moon" struck me as I read it to Tavian all the time - a friend gave it to Jessica at her baby shower and I have been reading it to him ever since he was born - he now reads it to me!! I am buying one tomorrow for the new adopted baby in our family - Madison Jessica - she will grow up hearing it as Tavian and so many other little ones did. Thank you.

Dee - Yes Mother's Day can be tricky and it is "walk on eggshells" time but we are managing. It is funny when I go get Tavian from school all the kids say "hi Tavian's mi-mi" and we laugh. Yet from the look on some of their faces you can see that they want to ask why Tavian's mom never comes or where is Tavian's mom? I know that they all know that she is in heaven but just as with Tavian they do not understand or grasp the idea of "no mommy" - the circle of life for ones so little is hard for them to understand so they want to ask questions but are hesitant.  We started leaving things for Jessica about 6 months after she left us - Tavian wanted to leave his favorite pacifier there so she could have it and we did, then I went and took it - the next time we went he was so excited that it was not there. We have left notes, flowers, toys and I collect them all and keep them in a special place at home for when he is older and can have them. Thank you for you kind words, it makes my heart feel good.

Grammie Kellie - so glad you got to get away from work and all other things that we all need a break from now and then. I am from Iowa originally - was born in Iowa City and raised in Knoxville - where does your family live there?? It is good to hear you had a nice time singing and crying - baby steps.

This is a poem I have written for my husband and will give it to him on Father's Day, it is what I think Jessica would say if she could talk to him. Hope you like it and give me some feed back - Best to all - Kathy

[align=left]I LEFT YOUR WORLD SO QUICKLY, NO TIME TO PREPARE[/align]

[align=left]ONE MOMENT OF I LOVE YOU, THE NEXT FILLED WITH DESPAIR[/align]

[align=left]YOUR LIFE YOU FELT WAS OVER, SHATTERED BEYOND BELIEF[/align]

[align=left]YOUR LITTLE GIRL OF 26 YEARS LEFT YOU WITH A HEART OF GRIEF[/align]

[align=left]I HEAR THE SADDNESS IN YOUR VOICE, I SEE THE TEARS THAT FALL[/align]

[align=left]YOUR MIND CRIES OUT IN ANGUISH AS MY NAME IT IS YOU CALL[/align]

[align=left]YOU HAVE TRIED YOUR BEST TO MOVE ON, TO ACCEPT THAT I AM GONE[/align]

[align=left]BUT YOUR STEPS SOMETIMES FALTER AS YOUR HEART CRIES THIS IS WRONG[/align]

[align=left]ALTHOUGH YOU CANNOT SEE ME, ALTHOUGH I AM NOT THERE[/align]

[align=left]I TALK TO YOU EACH DAY, I AM EVERYWHERE[/align]

[align=left]THE WHISPER IN THE WIND, THE SUN UPON YOUR FACE[/align]

[align=left]THE GENTLE ROLL OF THUNDER, MY CHILD THAT YOU EMBRACE[/align]

[align=left]I HAVE ENCOUNTERED MANY ANGELS IN THIS PLACE I NOW CALL HOME[/align]

[align=left]WE SPEAK OF OUR LIVES BEFORE AND THOSE WE LEFT ALONE[/align]

[align=left]WE KNOW AND UNDERSTAND THE PAIN, THE SORROW AND THE FEAR[/align]

[align=left]BUT WITH ALL OF YOUR MEMORIES YOU KEEP US FOREVER NEAR[/align]

[align=left]PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM HAPPY AS I LOOK DOWN FROM ABOVE[/align]

[align=left]I WATCH YOU AND MOM WITH TAVIAN, THE CHILD THAT I LOVE[/align]

[align=left]I MISS YOU DAD AND LOVE YOU SO PLEASE SET YOURSELF FREE[/align]

[align=left]JUST LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND MY REFECTION YOU WILL SEE.[/align]

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[align=left]Sorry to take up so much space but just wanted to share with all of you. God Bless and have a good night - Kathy[/align]

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[briansdad]

Hi all,

I've been gone for a week fishing.Had a good time.Well.... as good a time as I could.I had been fishing Brian's last week on this earth.Came home Wed. afternoon and he died Thursday morning.Wish I could have spent more time with him that week.It just proves the old adage to live each day as it was your last.

I found my pic of his marker thought I'd share it.

 

[heathershope]

Hello all.  I am back from surgery.  All went as well as could be expected.  A little longer to recoup than I expected but I suppose my body and soul have taken a beating this year leaving me not in top form going into it. 

Kay I just watched your  balloon launch.  We are doing one for Heather on Monday, her 1 Yr....oh how I hate saying that!!!!.  Aside from your beatiful choice of song and the over all effect that gave me the chills, I was touched that you got a repsonse back.  How or what did you put on the cards. I would love to steal your idea and see if we can get a reply.  

We are having about 30-40 people over for a cookout and balloon message launch.  I have been amazed at the calls from her friends this past week asking if we weredoinganything and if they could participate.  It feels great to know that they have not forgotten.  One is coming home from college for the day, it's about a 2 hour drive but because it's on a Monday she's coming after class and driving back up afterwards.  Another is in the marines and has just gotten back from Iraq but is stationed in California now, he took leave and is going to be home for it.  Before he left for Iraq he brought his dog tags over and asked if he could leave them in Heathers room while he was gone so she could watch over him.  He wrapped them aroung one of her willow angels and tthey are still there. He was in training during the time Heather was dying and he was trying so hard to get back before she died and then for the memorial service.  He kept calling me asking if she was going to make it till May 20th, when he could get here.  Obviously she didn't which broke my heart and his. Because he couldn't make it back for her service he had his family bring me a letter he had faxed them and asked me to read it to her between visitations services, which I did.   As soon as he got home he came over to "sit in her room and tell her goodbye in person",  that's when he left his dog tags.  He cried like a baby sittiing on her bed talking to her pictures.  I don't know what made me remember all that now. I guess just knowing that Heather was so loved by her friends makes me feel a little better.

I am tired so I will stop rambling.  I plan on coming back on tomorrow to catch up a little more on all that I missed while I was gone this past week.  I did notice a new "member" to the club no one wants to belong to with the dues that are way too high (our children)!!!!  WELCOME KELLEY.  Sorry to have to have you join us, but glad you can since your are now a member.

It's good to be back.

Terri

[grammy3613]

CATHY--- THIS IS A WONDERFUL POEM YOU HAVE WRITTEN FOR YOUR HUSBAND. I THINK HE WILL LOVE IT. MUCH LOVE..GRAMY KELLIE

[grammy3613]

KAY--- I JUST WATCHED YOUR BALLOON LAUNCH ON YOUTUBE AND I COULDNT HELP BUT FEEL YOUR LOSE. IT WAS AN AWESOME IDEA AND THE SONG SO FITTING. MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.   GRAMMY  KELLIE

[ericasmom]

Terri,

so glad that you are back and I will say a prayer for a speedy recovery. I know the build up to Monday will be anxiety producing, but hang on, the love that will surround you and your family will be golden. Heather will hold you all so close.

Kathy, the poem is a beautiful expression of your husband's relationship with his daughter and on Fathers Day, when so many celebrate, we parents are kind of just left to figure out the day. He will love your words, and I think your daughter must be smiling on your ability to communicate her love for her Pops.

Greg, I love the memorial for your Son. I know what you mean, live those days as though...I am glad that you shared those last days doing something the two of you loved to do together.

Peaceful sleep tonight Gang,

Dee

[mamabets]

For All~ Danny LOVED Superman...LOVED him~ May all of you know that I will be celebrating each and everyone of you on Sunday, and that each and every one of you are SUPER MOM'S and SUPER friends. I hold all of you close to my heart, and thank you all for always being here for me~

LOVE

mamabets and her SUPERDANNY...My little wink from here, there and everywhere

SUPERMOM.bmp

[ericasmom]

Thanks Mammabetts and Super Danny for all the love you share. No easy way out of the hype, commercials, store ads...but we know don't we, we moms and dads, that we will always be their moms/dads, they will always be our children .

You may have all heard about the amazingly high increase in gun deaths in Chicago lately, horrible. Well another young adult from Oak Park, where I teach, was killed the other night. She was an honors student from DePaul University,about to graduate in journalism, graduating early as she did from Oak Park High School, and now gone. I know the circumstances are so very different from my own, but the results are the same, another parent trying to find sense where there no longer is sense. And so for all of us and for all of those who are new to this loss, give us strength to assist the next adn the next with the love and support from our children. We need to celebrate our lives as parents even though our hearts have been shattered, because it is through the experience of parenthood, that we have become our best, that we have known and touched magic.

Peace in all you do.

Dee

[mommabert]

just came back from grave sight. 2 years today. someone took all the bears off his grave. i am the only one who puts bears on his grave. i dont understand why someone keeps taking them.  we think we know who took the frist 2 grave markers . before we got the stone. my thought are with every one. hugs from mommabert

[heathershope]

mamabert...so sorry anyone would mess with anything on someone's else grave.  It is truely disheartening that even paying respect to your loved one's is not sacred anymore.  We have a lot of memorial stones, and statuettes and such in our yard and thus far have been really lucky no one has messed with anything.  I did have that incident where someone spit on Heathers car decal though.  I just don't understand human nature sometimes.  I guess there is a polar opposite for everything and all the love that is shared on here, there's bound to be an opposite experience somewhere.

Dee: thank you for your prayers and kind words. I am very anxious.  I try to keep in under control but it slips out in the wierdest of circumstances, with things that shouldn't bother me but I start blubbering like an idiot, yet when something is going on that I would think would upset me, I am stone cold.

To all...try to have happy mothers day.  It will be the day before Heathers anniversary date for me so this will actually be the second mothers day I have been through without Heather, the first being the day after she died last year.  I have absolutely no desire to do anything. My mom is having dinner and I said my first reaction was to say no, but then I thought that wasn't fair to my son Josh.  She said "or the other kids" meaning my sisters four kids. Now why on earth should I worry about them.  They are not my kids, there mother will be there and they are all 17 to 25 yrs old so it's not like they wouldn't understand or probably even care.  I guess guilt is just what my mom does best. I could stay home and have a quiet mothers day with my son and grand daughter BUT that might hurt my sisters kids feeling?????  Qhat about my feelings watching my sister there with her two daughters and my mom there with her two daughters and me with no daughter.  Am I being a jerk????  Oh weel, we'll see what happens.  We all just need to try to do the best we can.

I think I may need you all in the next few days....ALOT.  Thanks for being around.

Terri

[heathershope]

KATHY.......WOW is all I can say.  Your husband is a lucky man to be getting that gift.  It is perfect.  Did you write poetry before or are you just really in touch with this particular story??????   I have to leave it at that...WOW, I am in aqwe.  It is beautiful.

Terri

[johnnysmama]

To all of you for watching johnny's balloon launch video thank you so much and thank you for all your kind words...it is so important to us to have our children remembered...thank you for remembering Johnny.

 

Terri

Johnnys friends made the cards-i will try to post a copy tomorrow. Basically it had a verse from a song they listened to in their cars-Feel good Inc. by Gorillaz on the left side and the reason why the balloon was sent(to memorialize his life) on the right and his pic and our address in the middle. They printed them on the computer and then laminated them.

We used 100 9 inch balloons the kids and I inflated from balloon kits. We also put forget-me-not seeds in many balloons. Planted the left overs in a pot and they are growing like mad. Don't feel like planting much(used to love it) so i hope they bloom.

We couldnt believe one went 200 miles and I think johnny made sure the right person found it. I asked him to just return one card to me and I would be happy. And he did and with such a touching note. Hope that helps. I am thinking of you with the 1 year mark approaching. God Bless You and know our hearts and tears are with you.

 

Kathy

Please dont apologize for using space to share such a beautifully written poem from your heart. Thank you for sharing-it was wonderful. 

[johnnysmama]

Greg

I love the marker for Brian. It is beautiful. The pictures must give you some solace when you visit. I love the saying the most"who needs wheels when you have wings". Your love really shows so much for Brian in all you do in his memory. Thank you again for sharing...

Kay

[johnnysmama]

Hi Terri

this is what we attached to the balloons...

[ericasmom]

Hello All,

I just sent a very long post and tried to attach a photo of our balloon launch and it said; Sorry, the file was too large and I lost my post. oh well, too much hot air I guess, and so in short, Kay, the tribute to Johnny was gorgeous and I love the cards you attached. Beautiful. I said a bunch more but it is late now so suffice it to say that it touched my heart very much.

Terri, I went on and on as I often do and basically hoped that you would be able to do as you will on Mothers Day. It is a day that means many things to you not the least of which is the day before Your Daughter's Angel Date. If guilt is what people give and may not mean to undermine your grief, but essentially that is what many do. In order to live your best life which as we all know here, is quite tricky adn new terrain, then you must follow what your heart needs. If it is to be home with your immediate family then please follow your heart. If others cannot handle it, they will have to find a way to deal with it. This is your life, and it is not your old life, and you need to protect your aching heart by honoring what it is that will feel best.

My prayers for you in this hard time,

Dee

[mamabets]

For johnnysmama~ How BEAUTIFUL, is all I can say..Just absolutely beautiful...To celebrate the life, and then loss of our kids is very, very hard , yet doing this, by heart, is so beautiful .

I am deeply touched, and I am with you on your journey~

LOVE

mamabets

 

image.bmp

[mamabets]

For heathershope~ I "ditto" ericasmom, Terri...Times ten!! You must follow your heart, and in time, it gets easier to do so. It becomes such an intregal part of our survival, and the ones who get it and understand you with complete compassion, only, become the ones that you will surround yourself with, most of the time.

It's not that I don't "wish" that everyone in my life were there for me emotionally, but they simply are not... I feel, now, that it is their loss that they don't show up, for I am amazing in how I have continued to live, one, and how I have continued to celebrate Danny, in such a way, two...

This does not come with any conceit, for often, just standing and breathing takes all that I have. We all know this feeling all too well.

Celebrate Heather by taking care of you in the best way that you know how. This is her wish for you, forever and ever. 

Every day is Mother's Day, Terri, and remember, we are all here for you!!

LOVE

mamabets  

 

[mamabets]

For ericasmamo~ With love, Dee, always..You are an inspiration, and your love is felt EVERYWHERE.....

Your Erica is a sweet angel, with all of us, everywhere!!

LOVE

mamabets

[shuugar]

wishing you all many loving and warm memories on this upcoming mothers day

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"

[mamabets]

For shuugar~ And the same to you...xo What a beautiful prayer..I love this!!

The "Daisy Dance" is below...A Mother's Day wish for you~

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For mommabert~ How terrible that someone keeps taking the bears...All I can say is someone is watching, this we know, and one day, the thieves will have to answer...

Bless you, and know that I am beside you as you travel this journey...

LOVE

mamabets

[daveydow1]

Mommabert,

 So sorry that somone keeps taking the bears. It is a person of low

morals, that would steal things off a grave. I hope they stop.

  Everyone:     Thanks for the poems and prayers---very inspiring. 

         Happy   Mothers   Day !   To all the moms here at BI  & Everywhere ! !

                                  Daveysmom,  Sherry 

[lorismom]

For All ~ This Mother's Day poem was posted on another site and I thought I would share it here. I am with you all by heart this coming Sunday. Love, Patty

I was thinking of you today

And how painful it might be,

To have lived through the death of your child

When that was never the way

You saw their life to be.

On this day when children honor their mother…

Though they are not here to tell you,

Always their mother, you shall be.

For though your child has died before you,

So painful to imagine.

Your child lives on within you,

And to all who know you well.

The light of your child will always

Return to touch you;

And in a quiet voice, whisper words of love.

This is not a mother’s day you ever planned.

That sorrow and loss, I respect.

Words do not say enough.

My thoughts are with you on a day

Of sadness and memories,

For you, their mother.

 

 

 

[johnnysmama]

Dear Dee and mamabets

 

Thank you for being such a great support and for being the loving caring people you are. You both are helping me and so many here with this crazy rollercoaster journey sooo much. I can't tell you how much your words have helped me.  sometimes I just am able to read. It is always helpful to me to read your posts. Thank you so much. Thank you everyone here that posts. I am sorry we need to be here but we couldnt be here with better people.  Your kids are so proud of you.

 

Peace, kay

[summergirl]

Grany Kellie - Thank you for your kind words about the poem, it means alot to me. I asked where in Iowa your family lives as I am from Iowa originally - born and raised there until I turned 13 and moved to New York - if you don't mind could you tell me a little about what area in Iowa.

Dee- yes I believe Jessica is smiling down and is proud of me. It is so diffacult to figure out the "special" days - celebrate or not? But with Tavian we really have no choice - he and Barry are planning something special for me so I am happy for that but so sad as Jessica always bought me a beautiful red rose and a card every mother's day and I miss that so much. Every time I walk into a store to buy a card for someone I always see the "mom" and "daughter" cards first and I almost always want to run away but not to be.

Mamabert - I am so sorry that someone is cruel enough to remove things from a grave site - it is beyond words and breaks your heart and adds one more thing to your life that you have to learn to deal with. I have been so lucky so far as everything has remained as we left it. There are cruel people in this world and I hope someday they have to answer for the mean things they do, the pain they cause.

Terri - I agree with everyone else - you need to do what is good for you - especially since you are faced with two major diffaculties - mother's day and the Angel date. Be good to yourself and do not let anyone, even your mother - guilt you into doing something that you are not comfortable with - they will adjust or not - what is important is that you take care of you and yours - I will be thinking of you.   No, I have not written poems before although always thought about it. I was at work and I suddenly felt I needed to write it for my husband and I believe that Jessica had a major hand in it as the words just seemed to come to me - I know my husband will love it and I am having a hard time waiting for Father's Day but I have learned to be much more patient then I used to be. Prayers to you.

Kay - I know I do not need to apologize - it is just part of my nature I guess. Thank you for reading the poem and giving me a "happy moment". It is always nice to get  the thoughts from all of you especially as you are all so truthful in your postings. I love the attachment you put on the balloons - I will keep my eyes open as you never know if i might find one - I always look at the beaches when I take a walk. You did an amazing job in the memory of your son and I am so proud of you as it is so bittersweet.

Lorismom - thank you also for reading the poem and letting me know how much you liked it - it felt good to write it with Jessica guiding me. My husband is having a hard time and I know this will mean alot to him. He has begun writing in a journal and I am so overwhelmed by the things he writes - it has brought us closer together. He is a quiet man, not much on "discussing" things so I am happy that he can at least put his thoughts and feelings to words on paper.

Trudi - missing you and hope you are having a wonderful cruise, plenty of down time, good food, wine and a reconnection with Mal. Time away can sometimes heal us in ways we never think they will - talk to you when you reurn.

Wishing you all strength as Mother's Day and Angel Dates approach and that you all get through the day - it is so diffacult but we must do what we have to do as long as it is good for "us" and not worry about what other people think we should do. We are the ones who have lost a child and there is no way to make anyone understand except those who travel this path as we do. I would truely be lost with out all of my wonderful friends here. God Bless and Peace be with you. Kathy 

[emmsgrandma]

Kathy,

Thank you for the wonderful poem.  I too lost my Jessica on January 10, 2008, the day before her 21st birthday.  She was hit head on during an ice storm in Iowa with my darling 18 month old granddaughter Emma in the back seat.  My husband and I are now raising our granddaughter and are struggling with the new roles we have.  We want to continue to be Grandma and Grandpa but must act in the role as mom and dad to her.  I see her every day in the eyes of her daughter and with every new thing she does, I wish her mother was here to see it.  Often it seems as if I'm stealing the joy she should have had.

This is my first post and it is comforting to see that others can understand the pain.

[messenger]

TO ALL....PARENTS WHO HAVE GONE THRU THE TRAGEDY..................OF LOSING A CHILD...MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU..ESPECIALLY MOMS...THIS MOTHERS DAY

I LOST MY SON JAMES..AGE 27.....AFTER A 6 YEAR BATTLE WITH HODGKINS LYMPHOMA...A 80 PERCENT CURABLE CANCER........MAY WE ALL ...AS PARENTS FEEL THEIR PRESENCE....LOVE...AND PRAYERS

GERI JAMES MOM  JAMES DIED JUNE 16 OF 05 AT OUR HOME..HE MOVED HOME ON THE  14TH AND DIED...JUNE 16 AT 7:30 AM............................I THINK...HE KNEW......................IT WAS HIS TIME TO GO TO HIS FINAL....HOME.....

[messenger]

HI JOHNNY'S MOM.......I THINK THAT IS A GREAT IDEA TO RELEASE BALLOONS AND PUT YOUR CHILDS NAME AND PARENTS ADDRESS ON IT..HAVE YOU HAD ANY REPLYS????

I LET ONE GO FOR OUR SON LAST YEAR...WE LIVE IN INDIANA...SOUTHERN PART ..LET IT GO ON SUNDAY AFTERNOON LATE AND ON TUES..GOT CALL FROM YOUNG MAN WHO FOUND BALLOON IN A TREE..WHILE HE WAS HUNTING...IN SOUTHERN KENTUCKY...I CAN ONLY IMAGINE............................................WHERE IT WOULD HAVE GONE IF IT DIDNT GET CAUGHT IN A TREE!!

I KEEP ALL PARENTS..WHO HAVE GONE THRU THE LOSS OF A CHILD...IN MY DAILY PRAYERS.......................................THE HARDEST THING...YOU WILL EVER HAVE  TO GO THRU.....

LOVE GERI JAMES MOM

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ How truly amazing that you have celebrated Mother's Day, by writing a poem for your dear husband. I am so touched by this, and thank you for sharing.... Just simply amazing.

Stay strong with each other...Remain true, and the memories of our sweet Jess will make it possible for you to continue to write such amazing pieces of love...

LOVE, on Mother's Day and always...

mamabets

[grammy3613]

KATHY-- MY DAUGHTER JUST RECENTLY MOVED OUTSIDE OF MASON CITY, IA. SHE MOVED THERE IN FEB 2008. SORRY I HAVENT BEEN BACK ON TO TELL YOU THAT. MY HOUSE HAS BEEN BLESSED THE END OF THIS WEEK AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE TIL LATE AFTERNOON ON MOTHER'S DAY. I HAVE TEARA'S GIRLS AND MY DAUGHTER AMBER AND HER BABY MALORIE PLUS A NEICE OR 2.LOL. I AM LOVING IT. PLUS I AM WORKING 10-12 HRS A DAY FRI AND TODAY. I AM BUSHED. BUT IT HAS BEEN GREAT!

TO ALL-- I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO EVERYONE HERE ON THE GARDEN AND TREE I WANT TO PLANT AND WE PLAN ON HAVING IT DONE BY THE END OF MAY BEFORE AMBER GOES BACK TO IOWA. EVERYONE IS EXCITED ABOUT IT. TEARA'S GIRLS ESPECIALLY. WE HAVE DECIDED TO NAME IT  "TEARA"S PARADISE"

I AM SORRY I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO READ ALL THE POEMS AND THINGS POSTED RECENTLY BUT I PLAN ON CATCHING UP WHEN THINGS SLOW DOWN HERE ON MONDAY. HOPEFULLY IT WILL ON MONDAY.LOL  LOVE TO ALL   GRAMMY KELLIE

[4everjoeysmom]

EmmsGrandma, I am so sad for your loss--what brings you to find BI.  I was especially touched in knowing that Kathy (Tavian's Grandma) is here among us and she is someone you can relate so closely to--both having lost daughters named Jessica, and both now raising your precious grandchildren--all of the commonalities in love, loss, history and moving forward....   May you be blessed and comforted in being among others here who know, understand, and care so deeply for what you are going through.  HUGS, Claudia

[kalimac]

Hi Jeri James Mom

I lost my 20 year old darling son to a rare abdominal sarcoma in February. We had him three additional years past diagnosis and for that I'll always be grateful. Losing him was hard though and still is.

I love the idea of a balloon release and adding 'forget me not' seeds into the balloons. Nathan's interment is on May 29 and we will have a small family and friends gathering at the cemetery. I want to do either a balloon release or butterfly release. I am leaning more towards the balloons as I am unsure about using live creatures.

I try to keep up with everyones postings . . this is a difficult venue but I do read and care about each story.

Patty R

Mom to Nathan

Lost to DSRCT

11.13.87 - 2.11.08

[mikesmomrs]

To all:  It has been almost a couple of weeks since I posted---I have been away for a few days, and then "consumed" with work at the new house, trying to get things tied up for our moving in...will it EVER happen?

I wanted to take a moment to just pop in and try to catch up...impossible...so much goes on here in just a few days, but that is just remarkable and wonderful...so much caring, support and love going back and forth from each to all. 

I just want to thank all of you for the portions of that  caring, support and love that have been directed to me...you all have been such a lifeline to me over these months since we saw our son leave this earth...hard to believe it is not just "months," but actually one year and 7 months...can't believe it sometimes...of course, can never believe that he is gone...such a difficult concept and so mind-blowing at times that I just can't wrap my brain around it …Trudi, just like you, I want the phone to ring and hear  "Hey, whatcha doin?" and just like you, I would always answer “Talking to you…” then Mike would laugh his sardonic laugh, as if to say  “this is a ritual that I enjoy but have to let you think it annoys me…”    I too want all that back, so, so much. 

I want to wish all of us (even the dads) Happy Mother’s Day, and I know that the pain may overwhelm the joy; even remembering that we held a wonderful person in our arms who we now can only hold in our heart, may not be enough to bring us joy on this day, but we must try…that is what our precious children want from us-- effort,  the honest and complete effort  of trying to feel joy from the life we now have…to make the effort in their honor is now our duty to them, to the wonderful memories of them that we have in our hearts… those memories will live on forever--- no one can ever take them away from us---no amount of “rolled eyes” or impatient, short answers when we mention our child’s name will ever make us stop remembering, stop saying our child’s name…all of us…all of them…those of us who have been here for a while and those who we welcome recently…our children’s names are our very heartbeat…

Happy Mother's Day....from:

Mike and Mike  Jessica and Jessica Josh Joshua  Teara  Jason Danielle Brian  Heather Tony  Danny  Joey  Erica  Simon Davey  Nathan  James and James Justin (Big)Mike Lori Johnny

(My apologies to anyone I may have not remembered…you are all in my heart. )

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[daniellemom]

Carol,

Thank you so much!! I hope the day will be bearable for all us all.

My kids always did a flower bed for Mother's day for me so this year it has fallen on James my son who is 18. He has done the most beautiful job. He found a big "D" painted it pink, Danielle's color and put it close to her rose bush and planted flowers in it. I will try to get a picture and post it.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[wyomingsal]

Thank you Carol for including my Joshua.    This is my first Mothers Day without him.  We don't really have much planned.  My husband has been depressed with a migraine and anxiety so I don't know if he will be up to much.  It might just be me with my living children.  They are too young to plan much so I will try to smile and let them know how much I love them.  Joshua would try to cook eggs for me if he were here.  He thought his eggs were the greatest.  Very well cooked and oversalted.   But he was so proud of them and I ate them with a smile.  He loved holidays and tradition.  So thankyou for including Joshua in the happy mothers day. 

 

Grammy Kelly,

I am so glad you have family in the house and everyone likes the idea of the garden and tree.  The joys seem so hard to find and enjoy when we lose a beloved child.  I am so glad you can enjoy the time spent with children and grandchildren.

Happy Mothers Day to each and everyone of us.  Even if your precious Heavenly child is an only child....you are still a mother!  You were a mother from the day of conception and will always be.  You are special and wonderful.

Sal

[heartbeataway]

emmsgrandma and Kelly's mom - you've found the right place ...... I sadly say "welcome".......

I've been in a low place for a little while now ....... the first memorial date, problems with my husbands daughter (my stepdaughter), a car accident (just yesterday), job uncertainity,  sleepless nights, etc...

All of these are stressful when you're already vulnerable. The hardest thing other than facing the fact that Jason's been gone for a year now was having my husbands daughter tell us that she's in counseling because of the way we've treated her in her life ........... she actually said that she thinks we wish it was her instead of Jason who died............ can you imagine hearing that??

There's a reason I refer to her as my husbands daughter. She was never allowed to think of or call me stepmother or mom, etc.... so, we never used those terms.  She always called me Bonnie and I always called her by her name. We always honored her feelings and tried not to say anything to make her uncomfortable. If we were out and someone would refer to me as her Mom, she was quick to correct them.  When introducing the children, I would say "our" children but we never made a big deal out of who belonged to who.... it wasn't like that. She's always held a daughter's place in my heart....... so it was devastating to hear the things she said about her belief that we have treated her badly.

She called her Dad the day before Jason's memorial day and told him this. We never heard from her on the memorial day and then the next day we received a "scathing" email from her husband. We felt like we lost Jason and now we're losing her ...... mind you they spent Easter with us and we had a great time....we thought.....

Still don't know what to say or think but it is what it is .......

I did want to wish everyone a peaceful Mother's Day.  I can't say Happy ...... I don't think that word will ever mean the same to us. So, I'm going to to share this writing with you.  It means alot to me and I find it comforting ....... hope you will also.

[align=center]Spirit Gifts[/align]

[align=center]Grief is such an individual journey. We are cast on its path without our consent, enveloped by a depth of pain we never dreamed existed. We ll have times when despair and loneliness threaten to engulf us.[/align]

[align=center]But we do have one companion on this lonely, unsought road: our child who died. I think there is never a moment in the day when a part of me is not connected to my child, to our years together and to our present relationship. Our journey through grief is a good-bye to the physical presence of our children, but it is never good-bye to their spirits and to the essence of their beings. My child lives inside me now, and the same gifts he gave me when he was physically alive are still available to me through his spirit. In some ways, those "spirit gifts" are stronger, because they are contained and undiluted within me.[/align]

[align=center]When the days get unbearably hard, when I think of all this wonderful young person missed by not getting to live out his life, I try to remember to focus on the present child, the one who lives inside me. I try to integrate his gifts into my life, sometimes seeing through his eyes, thinking from his heart and mind. Often, he reminds me to pay attention and not miss the beauty of nature that surrounds me. ( He noticed the details in nature and loved the outdoors so much more than I.)[/align]

[align=center]No matter how old your child who died, the essence of this unique being remains with you forever. It is through us and others who knew them that our children continue to live and affect our present world. Though not in the way we hoped and expected, our beloved children are still very much alive.[/align]

[align=left]So......... may the spirit of the child who lives so deep within your heart help you through this day and through every moment of this journey and the re-establishing of your life without their physical presence.[/align]

[align=left]Kitty Reeve, TCF, San Francisco[/align]

[align=center]Picture is of children, Jason and his sister.[/align]

[align=left] [/align]

[johnnysmama]

Dear Emmsgrandma and James' mom

I am sorry you are on this journey but know we are here to listen. You will find unconditional caring, support and love here. The people here are like family and will care for you and your child very much. Take care and hope you have some peace in your day. Take care and we would love to hear more about your children and your story.

 

Peace, Kay

[johnnysmama]

Carol

thank you for writing Johnnys name and remembering him. It meant so much and thank you for your "effort" talk. I NEEDED to read that. You are so right. Thank you your words helped me so much today.

 

Sonya

I would love to see your floral "D"- i am picturing it in my mind and it sounds beautiful. Your son sounds so special, too. What a beautiful gift for you made with love.

 

Peace, Kay

[johnnysmama]

Dear Bonnie

 

Thank you for sharing the picture of Jason and sis-they are beautiful.

Thank you also for "spirit gifts". I was just talking to someone about how I miss Johnny's physical presence and hugs sooo much and then i read this. It was really personally powerful for me and made me think about his spirit and love being a companion with me on this journey and I found that to be comforting to me. So thank you very much-I needed that.

 

I am sooo sorry your stepdaughter is giving you such a time of it. If you are not already in enough pain now it is being compounded. Do you think some of it is grief anger from her and her missing Jason,too? Maybe misdirected at you? I do not know your circumstances and hope I am not overstepping my bounds. I apologize if I am. Just wondered if her pain is making her say and do things she really doesn't mean. Loss affects so many. I am so sorry for you.

Take care and hope for some peace for you today,

Kay

[wyomingsal]

Jason's Mom,

I am so sorry you have had such a hard time lately.  I hope eveyone is ok after the car accident.  How scary.  I am also so sorry for the feelings of your husband's daughter. 

 I think being a stepparent is one of the most thankless and mistreated postitions in life.  You try you hardest to love and care for this child making sure to treat them as well as your own beloved child from your own flesh and yet this child is hurt and doesn't really want you in that position.  Many will always feel slighted no matter what you do.  Because you represent something they don't have.  Their mom and dad together loving them in one household.  Blended familys create their own unique set of feelings and emotions.  The "step" child struggles with feelings they don't understand.  I was suprised to learn that my 18 y/o step son (though we get along well enough) wished his mom and dad would remarry.  He would be just as happy if my husband divorced me.  He is so self absorbed he wouldn't really care what happened to me.  He doesn't feel that he has the benefit of the same kind of family that my children have....same parents in the same household. And on his behalf...I do feel differently.  I can't help it.  My kids love me unconditionally.  He doesn't.  I love my kids unconditionally and I try to love him the same but it is so much harder.  It is a different relationship.  I would be devastated if something happened to him... but it isn't the same. 

 Do you know that feeling when you see parents with their children and feel jealous that they have all their beloved children alive.  They have what we can't ever have again.  We don't really wish them ill, but we hurt.  I think your husband's daughter may be having a hard time dealing with internal feelings created by the whole step situation and she doesn't understand that it is a bad situation, not the people who have hurt her.  On top of that comes guilt for bad feelings and thoughts she may have had in the past.  Hang in there. Tomorrow will be tuff for many of us.  You are in my thoughts and prayers. 

Sal

[wyomingsal]

Also...I forgot to mention...if is very common for all siblings left behind to think their parents would have wanted them dead instead.  I don't know why but it is common.  The child who has left earth is lifted up and remembered constantly.  It is so hard for the living children to live up to the memory of a child lost.  Then there own guilt plays into everything...it should have been me instead.  Emotions are so strange...especially when someone we love dies.  Try not to be hurt by your husband's daughter's feelings even though I know it is hard.  Try to assure her of your love and that you don't wish she was dead instead.  Be kind and yet if you need to detach from her feelings lashing out at you then please do.  Being a step mom is so hard and unfair sometimes.

Hugs,

Sal

[heartbeataway]

Carol, I also want to thank you for mentioning Jason's name. I wrote in a poem for Jason's birthday,  ..... Ask me why I grieve so I can say his name again ......... We never tire of hearing their names. Thank you.

Sonya, what a loving tribute to your daughter. And what a creative thing to do with the letter.  I really look forward to seeing your pictures.

Kay, I have thought that the reason for her "acting out" could be her expression of grief. She and her husband got upset with us after Christmas last year and didn't speak to us for four months. They were at home when we were trying to call them to tell them of Jason's death.  They just were not answering because it was us.  We finally had to leave a message telling them why we were calling to get them to return a call. And the reason they were upset?  They had decided to spend their Christmas Eve, Christmas Day until after dinner with his parents and would spend a couple hours Christmas night with either us or her Mom and step-dad.  So, effectively, we would see them for a couple hours every other year on Christmas night.  We didn't jump for joy so they got mad and didn't speak to us for four months...........

To me it was the worst possible scenario for her.  Not speaking for months and then losing Jason.  Jason was at the lunch when the Christmas conversation took place. He thought it was pretty selfish but we basically told them, we'll take whatever we can get and left it at that. I do believe that she's working through some issues and we are getting the brunt of her anger.  Jason loved her so much and I know she loved him.

Wyomingsgal,  it is hard to be a step-mom.  It's also tough to think everythings okay and then find out they aren't.  I sent boxes of baked goods to my sisters and my Mom for Mothers Day.  We always do something for each other, we have for years.  I also sent a box to our daughter.  I don't think I'll be hearing from her but that's okay.

Thanks ............ it's nice to have a safe haven to talk and ears that will unconditionally listen.

Picture is our family with my husbands mother Christmas 2006.

[briansdad]

Here is what I got Jan for mothers day.The card says hugs from heaven.Love Brian

 

[ericasmom]

Thanks Mamabets, and thanks too, Kay, for your kind words. I am glad that you can feel ERica here, I do believe she hovers about making sure of me, and meeting all of you. She knows how dear you all are in my heart. Kay, Bets and I have been here a while longer than you in your very recent loss. I am so very impressed with your ability to join in at this point in your life, knowing how difficult it is to join such a club. Johnny has a very special Mom in you Kay. I know that he is smiling on you, and that he wishes you didn't have to hurt, but understands the ache, and holds you ever-close.

To all the new parents, or at-least new to me, bless you all as you find your footing and know that even during times when it is two steps forward and three back, we still are moving forward. Our pace mirrors our heavy hearts, but I promise that one day you will feel your heart begin to beat a bit differently, and one day you will feel more vigor, and while you may not be able to imagine joy, one day...

WITH a FULL HEART,

Dee

The photo is a silly one when Erica was little

[ericasmom]

Greg, what a great gift, tears will flow no doubt, the kind that cleanse.

Sal and Patti, you are both so very new to this journey and I know that Mothers Day could feel absolutely foreign to you. I agree with all the posts about knowing your children are with you for all time, their spirits are right there, in a fold of time just outside our grasp. Sometimes it is so agonizing because it is that grasp, that constant missing, that we mourn so deeply.

I do feel the peace of Eri, felt it about a month after she died in July of 2003. It was as though I was struck by it. I was walking in the forest preserve, weepy and taken with the beauty of the slough, the dragonflies, the kind of symphony of frogs and crickets and buzz that August brings. I stood on a rock and looked out and felt this pouring into my head, it felt like something was actually pouring into my head...and it warmed me and gave me goose-bumps all at once. I felt a remarkable strength. I remember looking up to see what it could be but as soon as I looked up, I said,"thank you Eri."It was somehow very evident that it was my Girl.  She was giving me an example of her peace, letting me try it on so that I did not have to wonder if she was okay. That night several of her friends dreamed of her, they contacted me the next day, they dreamed she was in a crowd, and waved at them, indicating that she'd be there in a minute and that she only could stay very briefly. In the dreams, all of the girls knew she had died and that this visit was gift-like. As she made her way to her friend in each girl's dream, she hugged them fully and said, " I am better than fine,you don't have to worry anymore," or a similar statement from girl to girl. Each girl was in a different state when they dreamed it and either called or emailed me thenext day.

She let us know, a gift to be sure. On my dark days, I remind myself of her amazing gift and how it graced our lives. May you feel thier peace.

Carol, Sweet Lady, thanks for saying their names, such beautiful names, given with so much hope and love, appointed their names for so many reasons. Some days we have to fight ourselves for joy but it is worth the fight.

Bonnie, so much pain for you and your husband to endure right now though I agree that your step-daughter may be blurting at you two for a ball of problems she is experiencing. Her brother's death, her jealousy perhaps of the way his death has taken focus off of her, her marriage may be really in trouble but she puts it on you instead of dealing with it. It sounds as though she had some issues a while back that really sound like she is very immature. I hope for all of your sakes, that she will be able to find her way to getting some help with her emotions. We all need a  little help sometimes, would she dream of going maybe with her dad who also might benefit?

Just a thought. You are right, when we are already vulnerable, more piled on that requires action is just TOO MUCH. I will send very huge prayers for healing your way. Please let yourself rest, do something nice for yourself if you can.

Sonya,

send the photo if you are able and give that son  of yours a hug from me. Pink was the color of ERi too, everyone at her funeral wore pink. My husband had pink socks, and her casket was also pink.