Loss of an Adult Child

[4everjoeysmom]

Greg--  Awesome!  Mother's day is SO HARD...  Thanks for sharing the beautiful poem/card with us moms.  I hope we can be as uplifting when dad's day comes...  Blessings, ~Claudia

[mikesmomrs]

All:  Thank you so very much to you all for your sweet wishes for our anniversary, and also your loving comments on MIke's marker/stone.  It has been such a mix of feelings all week with both events...plus, have been so busy with working on the new house, painting, painting, painting....ugh!  I am the worst painter---sloppy, paint everywhere.  But, it gets done and in the end looks okay.  I do have a helper, and he is doing tons.  I have been reading all your posts and so sorry some of you are having to post about being down, or facing problems that there doesn't seem to be an answer to.

Claudia---so very sorry my sweet friend that things have been on the down side for you.  You and I have been together on this journey practically since the beginning for each of us--- I do hope that your days are heading towards the sun soon...those rainy days here can be equally heart-smothering---and it has only been raining here for three days!  You are in my thoughts and prayers that the clouds will soon part and the blue sky will be overhead and peering down into your heart with the warmth of the sunlight.

Terri—Heather’s mom:  No, as Claudia and others have said, your thoughts are not out of the norm for us…I am sure that most, if not all of us, have had those thoughts at some point…nothing concrete, we wouldn’t “do” anything, but nonetheless, would we welcome the end so to be with our precious child?  Those we love who are still here depend on our presence; but sometimes….and of course, this once again brings home the beauty of this site---we are able to say the “unthinkable” things that fly through our minds, and know that we will be understood and not condemned for them.   I do wish you well and a speedy recovery from your surgery…will be keeping you in my prayers and thoughts.

Kathy:   I wish there was an answer for you with Tavian’s wanting you all to go and live with his mommy---he is so young, and it is difficult for him to understand.  Mike’s youngest, who is 3 ½, told his mommy (Sarah) that he wants to go to his daddy’s house, like Connor goes to his daddy’s house.  Connor is Damon’s cousin, Sarah’s brother’s child, and Damon of course sees Connor with his daddy all the time and doesn’t understand why he can’t go see/be with his daddy…it is a tough balance, because of course we all want Damon to know that he had a daddy who loved him so very much, but how do you explain to a 3 ½ year old that he isn’t here any longer?  Sarah has hesitated to say that daddy “lives in Heaven” because she doesn’t feel that Damon can comprehend that yet, and he would be very upset to know that daddy is somewhere but he can’t go to him.   A troubling situation, that seems to have no answer, other than time and patience.

Dee:  you do have a wonderful way with words…as Terri said, capturing the emotion so well, and so descriptive and seem to be right on point so much of the time…Having been on this journey longer than some of us, it is comforting to share the lessons in your journey and that we may all be where you are, someday.  I know of course, that it will never be “over,” “gone,” or “past,” but your words give us hope that it will be a little softer as time passes.  

Trudi:  I too find solace in the ocean.  All of my life I have lived close to it, even through all the traveling with my husband in the Air Force for 26 years…all but once, when we lived in Omaha, we have lived near it, even to be so special as to be assigned to Guam, where you are never more than a few miles from its beauty and comfort.  We are now about 30 miles from it, and when we move, will be a little over 20 or so.  I could (and have) sit by it all day, just reading, drinking lemonade, listening to its comings and goings as it slides from one side of the earth to the other---or so it seems.  I have even found myself sitting there, wrapped in my winter coat and a blanket, sending out signals with each breath, but not motivated at all by the frigid temperatures to move myself to a warmer spot…

I also have a video of Mike…one of his last birthday, which we have watched only once…tears that seemed never-ending flowed throughout, and I don’t know when I can watch it again.  One other video, a parody on “Star Wars”  (his all-time most favorite movie) done at Hallowe’en with fellows employees of his when he worked at a store in the mall…they all dressed as Star Wars characters, and Mike was Darth…it is only 15 minutes long, but so well done and just so great to have.  Mike’s voice is loud and clear, and he IS Darth…the other films we have are from the very early years, sans sound, but still so cute, but as yet unwatchable.  We used to have a Thanksgiving tradition of watching our home movies after dinner, but have not been able to do that yet…perhaps we will this Thanksgiving---it will be the third  without Mike here with us.  How can that  be????

Bonnie…you have been in my thoughts and prayers as well, for your journey through this ending of the “first year” that is so very difficult.  I am glad to hear that you are doing okay. 

Greg:  thanks so much for the poem…your kindness and thoughtfulness are treasured. 

love and peaceful moments to all.

carol  mikesmomrs

ps:  we babysat Damon on Monday night, and he entertained us with his “Beatles Revue,” singing along to a cd, ALL 27 SONGS….what a gem!

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy--What a hard thing to have to do, help a little one understand death and grief.  Oftentimes we want to comfort the child so much that we soften our language and how we explain things.  We don;t want to hurt them more.  we fear hurting them more.  But kids need to understand at all ages, according to their maturity level and what they can comprehend.  Sometimes little ones are satisfied with very simple answers.  In saying that mommy is watching over him, he may not be able to comprehend that.  It may sound to him like she is "somewhere near enough that he can touch or visit".  And though we as adults can understand that concept, kids his age can't process that information and understand it like we do.  As hard as it is, it's best to be direct and simple--explaining that a living person has body functions, heartbeat, breathing, needing to eat and all of that.  When the heart is sick and can't be fixed, the body dies because the body stops working.  We can't stay anymore when our body stops.  A body that stops working can't breathe or eat or any of that anymore.  (If and when appropriate you can interject whatever faith belief you have regarding soul, spirit, etc, but keep it super simple.)  When a person dies they can't come back to visit and we can't go visit them.  Dying means that the person is gone from here permanently.  You could say it's hard to miss mommy so much.  And sometimes it helps when we do special things to remember mommy....  maybe you could have some pictures of Jessica silkscreened onto T-shirts for him to wear and/or sleep in.  You can explain that even though mommy cannot visit anymore, and he cannot see her, that he can pretend that she is hugging him when he wears the T-Shirt.  Making a similar quilt can help too.  He will likely need reassurance that he is safe and healthy, that his body isn't going to quit, and that you will be there to take care of him and love him because that is what mommy wanted you to do.  You can maybe explain that mommy knew her body was going to stop, and so she made sure he would be safe when that happened because she loved him SO MUCH and love never never dies.  You can't see love, but you can feel it.  And mommy's love will always be with him.  As he grows and his mind and thought processes start to mature, more in depth comversations can take place.  Simple, loving, firm, and no illusions are best for very young children.  I know it sounds harsh...  because as adults we can process so much more and it's hard to go back to very basic language...  but I know you can do this.  Also, you might want to consider visiting his counselor for help in explaining if you are having difficulty.  I also found one book for a child his age, called Badger's Parting Gifts.  You can Google Search it and buy from Amazon.com or somewhere.  I'm so sorry for the difficulties in helping your precious little one to understand about his mommy.  I can only imagine how that rips your heart to shreds....  Blessings and BIG HUGS, Claudia

[ericasmom]

Hey All,

I agree with so much posted having to do with what to say to Tavian and the young ones that can not conceptualize where their Mom or Dad is. Hell, we can hardly do this so why should they be able to? The cool thing about little ones is that they don't need the involved answers that we think we owe them. They generally need, as Claudia said, simple answers that answer small bits at a time. Many kids don't want more that the small bits, it is just enough for the stage they are in. When they get a bit older, they ask for a bit more. This of course is not true for all of the kids.

I agree that heaven is an abstract to kids and maybe too much but for many it labels a place and a place is sometimes just what they need. It is a place that we can't get to until we die. Daddy died and so his sprit traveled to Heaven where he is not sick anymore and he is very peaceful and happy. HE can watch over us and hang out with his grandma and grandpa there and he is safe. When we get old and die, we will go there too, and he will be the firest person we will see and that will let us know that we are in HEaven. If a child asks, well Daddy or M mmy wasn't old, why did they die? Sometimes, a person gets hurt too badly to live anymore and that happened to ____. And if they ask, well where is it and what does it look like, you can say that you heard it was filled with all of the things that each person there loves to be near...If Kathy loved to garden, you can say that Momma gets to garden whenever she likes...and that can lead to a great discussion about all the things Momma or daddy loved to do, and you can make a list together. From that list your grandkids may want to create a collage or a big picture to hang in their room...There is a great book that the Gift OF LIFE Org. gave me when Eri died. IT is called; The Next Place or something like that. IT is a very pretty book that kind of helps with this discussion.

If Heaven is not a place you are comfortable with, you could just give the small bits that work for the time being that work for you. Our kids generally want to believe what we give them to believe.

This year, I have several students in my third grade that have had to deal with some tragic circumstances...I have watched the ways they have gone through their grief process and it is much more clear, less cluttered than ours. I read a great book last summer, it is a book for kids about the age of 9-12...called Every Little Bird That Sings. It is a great novel about a girl named Comfort, who lives in the south and whose family owns a funeral parlor. She speaks of death from a truly refreshing point of view. I loved it and have recommended it to both teachers and to families dealing with loss.

Talk with you all later,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Terri - You are not alone in thoughts of wanting to be with your child.  I still have that urge to close my eyes and never wake.  The idea being when I open my eyes Mike would be waiting......but then I think his first words might be 'Why are you here, what about Steve, Melissa and their kids'. 

Carol - We are 2hrs from the sea! I envy your 20 mins.  I have been known to wrap myself in blanket and sit/lie on the ocean beach for many many hours.  I did get approached once by a ranger who was 'alerted' about a body on the beach that hadn't moved for hours!!!  Good luck with the finishing touches to your new home....

Kathy - You certainly get the tough questions.  I remember when my mum died May 05.  Emily was 6.  Nanna was 'old' and in someways she understood she was tired and went to be with Grandpa.  In her mind we were all 'safe' cause we weren't old enough to die. 

When Mike died the reality she knew came crashing down.  She was 8, her questions were simple.....can anyone just die? 

She wrote to him not long after he died...asking him if he was okay, if he had any pain and if he was happy.  She told him how she missed him and how if she knew he was okay it she might not come to see him just yet.   As an adult it scared me somewhat...the implications from the grownup prospective. 

The best I can offer is keep it simple.  As Dee says there are many books aimed at Tavians age and comprehension levels that will help. Read them with him and speak with your counsellor for ideas on how best to 'talk' with Tavian. 

For Emily, well, Melissa handled it in a similar way.  She emphasised that Mike was walking free and while he couldn't be here he would always be with her in many ways. 

Toughest question I got was 'Granma - are you going to die too.'  The explanation to Em didn't need to be pragmatic or literal.....I went with the idea that she wanted some assurance that I wouldn't up and leave.  I told her I wanted to see her graduate high school, finish her Paramedic training and ride up front with her.  It was my intention to be here as long as I humanly could.  But someday, I might not be able to be here....but not because I wanted to go.........

Freezing here today.........down under in the land of Oz......

[ericasmom]

Carol,

your Little One is gorgeous, love the Beatles shirt and guitar. These children hold so much in their little faces, and because of what you give them, all of you grandparents, they are sure of the love around them as well as the love that their Momma or Dad has for them. I know several kids who are now 5 or more years wihtout thier parent...all of them are doing quite well, all of them received some social work or counselor help, all of them have a healthy outlook and know each day of the love from their parent. Thier love never wavers, and when they go through a change of some sort they may become a bit more sad, or have to reconcile again that they don't have that parent, but each of these kids have been given so much love and assurance of continued love from above, and they are healthy.

 

Peace adn thanks for the kind words, if I can help clear a bit of the path, I am glad to do so.

[ericasmom]

Terri, it is as Mikesmum has stated; we have all visited that place and time, probably more than once, where we just sort of fantasize about leaving, about heading at full speed toward the arms of the child we mourn. Living with grief is exhausting and there are days, and there will be more, where it hardly seems worth it. And then there are days where the color of the sky, the slant of the sunlight, maybe the song of the birds, whatever, calls your attention and you say, Oh, I am supposed to be here still. We don't get to know WHY, we just are here and I imagine there are things we still must do, people that need our existance. But Boy oh boy, I do know those times Terri.

Forgive me for forgetting who said this earlier, that as you approach the one year mark, (Heather's Mom?) time whizzes past, and it is scary to think of the words; one year. That somehow, 351 days, and so many hours, minutes sound less daunting. I know that is true for so many of us as we head toward those firsts. I am heading toward the 5th and I am feeling the anxiousness too. The fact that this many years, months, days, moments could possibly pass without ERica alive in them? Impossible and yet here we are. I have felt her so strongly this week. The trees are all budding and the flowering trees are magnificent. Robins' eggs on the sidewalk are cracked reminders that babies were born today, and in it all, I see and feel my Spring Baby. Take it slow if you can, even when time insists itself in our world. Be kind to yourselves and take some of the advice that you would give a friend to get through this time.

My heart

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Hey guys,

A friend invited me out tonight and I had a couple glasses of wine...........

Someone, I think Claudia mentioned a quote. Something along the lines of, "don't get lost in your grief".

I'm am totally lost. How can our boy be gone?  I can't deal with this ..........!!!!  I don't want to believe he is gone forever.  I WANT HIM BACK!  PLEASE ............ THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR US TO BEAR!! 

And in reality, we know he's not coming back to us. The reality is a hurt that is too much to comprehend at times. I wanted a child so badly. I prayed for a child. I "kept these things in my heart and pondered them" while I was pregnant. I adored the child I was given.  And I deeply mourn the child I have lost. Is there any greater hurt?

What would I do if I didn't have this sacred place to express my deep most thought feelings............?

Help me make it through the night ......... it's so, so hard at times.

Jason, Jay, where are you?  Mom and Dad are struggling tonight. You were such a big part of our lives and now you're gone. We're dealing with some interesting things right now and your take would probably make it easier ........... we need you son. We need you............ we miss you and we need you.  Love you dearly ............ bless you for existing in our world.............. we were the lucky ones .........

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[mamabets]

For All~ I can't think of anything that I can add here, that has not been said by all of you today, regarding the little ones... I JUST got through emailing a dear friend about how the little ones somehow keep us going, my Jackie with my 2 grandbabies far away, yet always so very close...They are in Wisconsin, I am here in North Carolina.

My niece in Florida has 2 wee ones...Sarah is 2, Madeline 9 months...The other night there was a lightning storm and Sarah woke up frightened. My niece, Alison, went in with her and she said..."Look Mommy- Jesus is taking pictures of us"

When the little ones come out with things like this, I gather all the comfort that I can..I give it all, to all of you~

I love all of you and thank you, ALWAYS, for being here for me. You are ALL amazing and my life is safer, with you here. With each new bloom in the garden, I hold you and each and every one of our angels closer and closer, each and every hour of each and every day. They, and you, are all a part of who I am today....

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For heartbeataway~ Oh, Bonnie...OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so sorry, so sad for you right now..I feel this agony, I know it like I know my name...

There are no answers, just comforting LOVE that I can send your way. We just live one hour at a time, one minute at a time, when it gets like this...:X

It is life's greatest tragedy, losing a child. Yet I said to a friend today on the phone "We are all in this together. There is a world of us that are doing this thing called life without our kids here with us anymore."

They are right with us always in love and spirit. Words are OH SO CHEAP at times like this, yet these words remain true...

Love does keep us together. The bond between us and our angel kids...

You are never, ever alone~

LOVE

mamabets 

[mikesmum]

 

Heartbeataway - I adored the child I was given.  And I deeply mourn the child I have lost. Is there any greater hurt?

 

Bonnie - I am a world away yet I hear your heart breaking and your soul lost for the love of your beautiful boy.  There truly is no greater hurt.  Many think there is, but they have never experienced the gapping vastness of losing your child. 

I wish I could give you the words that would make it right, but you know in your heart your child leaving before you is so wrong.

I have been back in the blackness of my grief these past weeks. I literally ached for a sound, a glimpse, anything that is Mike.  Anything that might let me know he hasn't gone......

I search deep within me for that one thing that will help me through this darkness. Sometimes it is a primal crying session surrounded by photos and memories....others its a really pissed off debate with the powers that be about taking the children we love.

You aren't alone Bonnie.  You and yours have the extended family of BI who literally live your pain each day in their own way.

You have given so much to so many - the memorial to Justin inspired me to seek a similar memorial to place out by the river Mike loved as a child and where he took his own child in her first years.......

My thoughts and prayers are with you.....Yes we want them back....no doubt in my mind....the reality sucks and the at times the future seems impossible.....But I know for me Mike wouldn't want me to suffer at his loss....Perhaps Jason would want the same for the parents he loved..........Take Care Trudi

[mamabets]

For heathershope~ I pray that all goes well for you during this surgery. I know how you feel about wanting to go be with heather. I talk about it LOTS...NOT a suicide thing, but a tired from living thing...

Remember, grief is so completely EXHAUSTING. It does, and it will, take so much out of us that at times we lose our own ability to breathe. I don't know how we all keep doing this, but I think that the compassion found among us all is the glue that often gets us back on our feet again.

I plant seeds in the garden for each and every one of our angels. There is such beauty in all of their smiles..A beauty like no other~

I am with you always...

LOVE

mamabets 

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear, Dear Bonnie, As I was reading your sorrow-filled post I felt those same desperate calls to my Joey.  No matter how far we journey in time, or how forward we travel in steps, we will ALWAYS miss them, need them and want them...  There are so many aspects, beautiful contributions that Joey made to my life that stand so silent now...  They still exist, but they are not as vibrant as they once were.  The voice that carried them is distant, faded into memory...  I hate it too!  Feeling your pain...  ~Claudia

[ericasmom]

Mamabets, thanks for planting seeds for our angels, may they bloom on and on.

The pain of missing your Jay Bonnie, is so huge that it feels like it could make you run into the night and never return. I know, i was thinking yesterday about how scary the whole loss has been, and how sometimes I return to that fear though never as great as it was those first two years. It was so scary to learn of her accident, to see her never to be the same again, and then to have the machines and measures pulled away to free her to die. But even scarier were the nights such as the one you had last night, when it is just friggin impossible to reconcile that he/she is gone. The realization at times is simply too much, an overload that nobody should ever have to experience. It never goes away, the loss is always, but along the way there will be promise, there will be hope, there will be a sense of peace...eventually. NOt now, but one day. The scary feelings will one day subside and give way to a softer more filtered view of it all. You will not lose your memories of him, that used to frighten me beyond words, but things will be softer. Hang on Bonnie, we are holding you above the waves, even though it feels tempting to go under.

Life as we knew it is gone, and a new life will emerge. Hang on to the thought of what Jay would hope for you, knowing that no matter where he is, you will always be his Momma.

Love,

Dee

[ericasmom]

OOOPPS! I apparently sent too many times, excuse my blunder.

Good day to all,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

The posting gremlins seem to be at work today....

[mikesmomrs]

Dearest Bonnie...your words echo though my very soul, and are felt by us all, as we navigate this road we are on, trying so hard to just breathe sometimes, to swim through this horrific abyss of pain we find ourselves in when the "he is gone, he is NOT coming back" thoughts assail us.   

I hang onto Dee's words "...along the way there will be promise, there will be hope, there will be a sense of peace...eventually. NOt now, but one day. The scary feelings will one day subside and give way to a softer more filtered view of it all" for hope, for the promise of a future when this will actually be, when we will land in this "softer" place...I ache for it with every fiber of my being. 

I send thanks to you, Dee, to mamabets, and to all who have been on this road longer than some of us, for offering these thoughts to us, for throwing out that rope to us, that this time will come.    

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Bonnie...

love and peace,   carol   mikesmomrs

[grammy3613]

HELLO EVERYONE!! I AM NOT SURE WHERE TO START, FOR THIS IS THE 1ST TIME I HAVE BEEN HERE. A VERY SPECIAL FRIEND TOLD ME I NEEDED TO GET ON THIS SITE AND TALK TO OTHER'S WHO ARE GOING THRU THE SAME THING I AM. I GUESS I'LL JUST START AND SEE WHERE IT GOES.   MY OLDEST CHILD, TEARA WAS 28. SHE WENT TO PAY A BILL AND NEVER CAME HOME. SHE WAS KILLED IN A AUTO ACCIDENT ON HER WAY HOME. SHE AND HER 2 GIRLS WERE LIVING WITH ME AT THE TIME TRYING TO GET HER LIFE TOGETHER FROM A RECENT DIVORCE. SHE WORKED FROM HOME SO WE SPENT EVERYDAY LAUGHINIG, TALKING, CRYING, AND GETTING CLOSE. THEN GONE...JUST LIKE THAT! I WALKED AROUND IN A DAZE FOR AWHILE THEN WENT TO THE DR AND GOT ANTIDEPRESSANTS. I GUESS THEY HELP CAUSE I TRIED NOT TAKIING THEM FOR A COUPLE DAYS AND IT GOT TO WHERE I DIDNT EVEN WANT TO GET OUT OF BED. I TOOK A JOB AT A LOCAL CAFE JUST TO HELP OUT AND KEEP BUSY. SOMETIMES IT HELPS ME GET THRU THE DAY HAVING TO BE THERE. BUT I KEEP ASKING MYSELF....WHEN WILL I FEEL LIKE ME AGAIN? I AM THINKING NEVER. I USE TO GET UP IN THE MORNINGS AND HAVE "ME TIME" WITH A CUP OF COFFEE AND THE NEWS. NOW I BARELY GET OUT OF BED IN TIME FOR WORK. I AM DISORGANIZED AND CANT FIND THINGS. I KNOW I PUT THEM SOMEWHERE BUT I CANT REMEMBER WHERE. THAT'S NOT ME. THE HOUSE IS IN DISARAY AND MOST OF THE TIME I DONT CARE. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF GET OUT AND GO PLACES WITH THE FAMILY AND I DO GET HER GIRLS OFTEN AND WE SING AND DANCE AND SOMEHOW MAKE IT THRU THE WEEKEND. I HAVE THIS INCREDIBLE EMPTINESS INSIDE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO TO FILL IT. THIS IS ALL BEEN LIKE A BAD DREAM AND I WANT TO WAKE UP!! CAN SOMEONE HELP ME??? PLEASE!!! I DONT WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE CRYING AND ON MEDS.

MISSING TEARA IN TEXAS  KELLIE

[4everjoeysmom]

Grammy Kellie, I am so sorry you are in our club--the one no one ever dreamed of joining for the reasons we are here.  How long (or short) of a time has it been for you?  I can tell you that everything you are feeling and going through is everything each of us here has battled or continues to battle through time and stages of grief.  You are not alone, and everyone here can relate to your pain.  I do hope and pray that you can find a connection here among us, a special family we have become here, and feel love, compassion, fellowship, strength and encouragement over time, and also just to know that you can come here and share, cry, vent, do and say whatever you need to in the moment and know that here you will be understood.  You will be safe from criticism.  You won't hear the mundane cliches and speeches that people give who just cannot know and understand what we go through in such a tragic loss.  You don;t have to do this alone, this grief journey.  But you can survive it and make it through to the place where living won't feel like dying.  BIG HUGS, Claudia

To all who are having numerous posts:  The system is slooooooooooooowwww again, and if you hit send more than once in wiating for your post to upload, no matter how long it takes, there will be multi posts.  Wait for about 1 minute, (make sure to copy your text first), and then hit your backspace twice to get back to the forum.  You should see that your post took hold.  This has happened before...some kind of glitch, clutter, something out there that has made this website super slow in processing.  Hope the tip helps...

[ericasmom]

Dear Kellie,

I do hope that you are going to stay with us here, and while we are not able to take away any of your pain or help your aching heart, we certainly wnbt to hear what you are going thorugh because we have all been there or are there now.

When did you lose your girl? How old are your grandgirls? Feel free to tell us the details and the circumstances of youl lives. Don't be afraid to tell us the myriad of things you are going through, we are not easily scared away.

My heart,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Kellie - as Claudia says, I am so sorry you have joined this journey, but take comfort that here your emotions, thoughts and feelings are heard and moreover, understood. 

I have been on this journey for 15 months.  Most of who I was before Mike died, died with him.  I now search for the 'new me, the new normal' that I have heard will evenuate, when now one can say.

Please come often, talk of your beautiful daughter and grandbabies.  You will find you are not alone in many ways.  Most importantly take care of yourself, be it eating right, resting when you need.  The anti-depressants taken under supervision can help you but be mindful that you might need to link in with a professional counsellor to help you over the tougher times. (all of them seem tough at first).

Take Care - Trudi

[johnnysmama]

Dear Bonnie

i have been having a bad time lately,too-feel like I am slipping backwards. I read your post and just cried and cried. I know your pain all too well and the severe hurt that comes with it. I don't know what to write as I feel the same anguish. I am sorry for your great pain and i hope we can help each other just by listening. Being here. Not being alone. Remembering the love for our children, and theirs for us.

 

Peace and hugs to you,

Kay

[johnnysmama]

Kellie

 I hope you come here and just read or post when you can. This is a place where you are understood, listened to and cared for. You can say what you want and we will understand, we understand all to well. I do know reading some books on grieving a child has helped me, listening to music, and mostly coming here. We all feel your pain and hope somehow we can lessen it for you. Your granddaughters are lovely,so sweet. Your story is so sad and whenever you are ready to tell us more about your daughter we will be here to listen.  Take care and have hope that you can survive as we are all doing-maybe a minute at a time but your daughter's memories and love are eternal.

 

Peace,Kay

[grammy3613]

I WOULD FIRST LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE MULTIPLE POSTS. I GUESS I HIT THE BUTTON WAY TO MANY TIMES. NOW I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU ABOUT TEARA. SHE WAS MY OLDEST AND SHE WAS 28. THE PIC I DISPLAY IS THE PIC OF HER AND HER GIRLS. HER GIRLS WERE HER WHOLE WORLD. SHE WAS STRICT BUT FAIR. SHE BELIEVED THAT THEY SHOULD ALWAYS BE INVOLVED IN OUTSIDE ACTIVITIES. AND SHE ALWAYS ATTENDED THOSE ACTIVITIES. SHE WAS SMART, HONEST AND MY BEST FRIEND. SHE WAS DIVORCED ON OCT.5,2007 AND CAME TO LIVE WITH ME AND HER STEP-DAD, SCOTT THE FIRST OF DEC.2007. SHE WORKED AT HOME SO WE SPENT ALOT OF TIME TOGETHER LAUGHING, TALKING, CRYING, AND GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER AGAIN. ON JAN.14,2008 SHE WENT 28 MILES TO PAY A BILL. ON THE WAY HOME SHE REAR ENDED A SEMI(MORE ON THAT LATER). SHE TRIED TO AVOID IT BUT TOOK THE FULL FORCE O THE IMPACT ON THE DRIVER SIDE. WHEN I ARRIVED I WASNT ALLOWED NEAR THE CAR. I LAID ON THE GROUND SCREAMING FOR I DONT KNOW HOW LONG. THERE IN THAT CAR WAS MY BABY AND I COULDNT HELP HER..I COULDNT GO TO HER AND HOLD HER. I AM STILL NOT ABLE TO GO PAST THAT SPOT WITH OUT FALLING APART. I DIDNT DRIVE FOR A LONG TIME. EVERY TIME I GOT BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A CAR I SAW HER CAR AND I FELT LIKE I COULD SEE HER THERE IN IT, SO I DIDNT DRIVE. I THINK I NEED A BREAK NOW. I WILL BE BACK LATER. THANKS FOR YOUR COMMENTS AND HELP.  GRAMMY KELLIE

[lorismom]

Kellie ~ There is a lot of love and support here on BI. It's a wonderful place to come and share our feelings without being judged for the many stages of grief that we go through. It can be quite a roller coaster of emotions but gradually it does soften with time. I am so sorry for the recent loss of your daughter, Teara. I, too, lost my daughter in an automobile accident. It will be 4 years on May 3rd. I have felt a little shaky the last couple of weeks, but I know it is just the anticipation of the day and missing my beautiful Lori.

Bonnie ~ My heart is with you. I can feel your pain as if it were my own. I remember those early days only too well. There were times when I just ended up on the floor sobbing uncontrollably wishing I could just melt into the woodwork. I thought I would never be able to live through this kind of gut-wrenching pain. I don't experience the really sharp grief that I once did, but it still can visit me from time to time but just not as intense. So try to be gentle with yourself and know that there is always someone here to walk this journey with you.

Love,

Patty

[summergirl]

Grammy Kelly - I am so sorry that you have become one of the "club" and have joined so many that are walking this journey. I lost my daughter at the age of 26, two years, one month, 13 days ago. This site has saved my mind and heart so many times I cannot count - the strength, love, compassion and understanding here are something I have found no where else. We are a family although we have never met each other face to face I feel as though I have known all for what seems like a life time. I hope that you continue to come onto the site - just read for a while if you like, join in the conversations and talk about you and your beuatiful daughter and grandchildren whenever and however you want. There are no limits here as to what we say or ask, all you will find is ture understanding, more so from those who have been traveling this road longer then others and those who are new as you are. I am so sorry for your loss and pray that you can find some peace. In the beginning I too felt as though life had stopped yet here I am still breathing, living and surviving. God Bless you and yours - Kathy

To all my friends who responded about my problem with explaining to Tavian about why he cannot go to Heaven - simple is the best way to go, small words. I do have a tee shirt that was one of Jessica's favorites, it is an Eeyore shirt (from Whinnie the Pooh) and it wears it too bed. Today I had a parent teacher conference and his teacher said he had a teary day today - he told her he missed his mommy and Kaylie dog, she said they were both crying and she took him to see Mrs Smith - the school therapist and she told him how she knew his mommy when she was in school - he listened to her with big eyes and after that he was fine. I told his teacher it was a healthy thing for Tavian, to be able to tell her what was wrong and talk to her about it is a big step for him. He told her he wanted to make a mothers day card for her so he could go leave at her stone and she would come and get it and read it!! He has been better as we have spent some time talking as I took all of your advice and used it - he understands a little better now - the only thing he said was he hopes that when we do go to Heaven that we get to go together because he doesn't want to leave me here. We will be fine and time will help him as he gets older and I can explain it to him better. For now I am trying to focus on fun things to do with him now that the weather is finally getting nice and sunny and warm. Thank you my friends and bless you for getting me through another "tough spot". Bless you - Kathy

Missing you so much today my Jessica - I have seen you everywhere today, the kitchen where you sat on the counter waiting for me to finish mixing the icing for the cake so you could lick the beaters (even though you were 20 years old), the dining room where we ate, played cards and had many talks, the living room where you lay on the couch snuggled in your yellow comforter watching a movie eating popcorn or in the recliner coloring or reading, in your bedroom where your son now sleeps, at my bedroom door where you would knock softly and when I said come in you would open the door and stand there with a book in your hand that you had just finished and you would be crying because it was so sad, on my bed where you would lay next to me when dad was at a meeting and we would get silly, watch a girlie movie and laugh or cry, in the bathroom where you spent hours doing your hair and make-up because you had a date or just going out with your friends. Such sweet memories me baby, my daughter - how I wish you were here now. I love you my sweet - mom  

[shuugar]

Kellie

It's so heart breaking to read your story of you daughter.

I'm so sorry you had the need to find this site.

I think everyone here has been through or is going through the stage of numbness, bewildered ,in shock. It's the strangest feeling almost dream like.

You truly are in shock...maybe it's the minds auto defense.

Your not alone....I read all the time but I don't post often.

I just had to pipe in and say how sorry I am for your loss

Heartfelt Hugs

shuugar

[loveyoujustin]

My dearest friends at BI~  It's been a while since I've posted.  Bonnie~ the last week I was so where you are, and like so many others have said, you are not alone.  I couldn't even read, let alone post.  I think that was a mistake, not even reading all of your posts because you are all a strength and inspiration for me.  This week I have felt a little bit stronger, and a little bit more peaceful.  As we all know too well, day by day is the only way for us to live, who knows how "knocked off our feet" we could be in an instant.

So much to catch up on, that I don't even really have any words except that you are all in my heart.  I just wanted to share this with everyone.  I've read many, many beautiful writings, (Greg, your poem for Mother's Day means so much, it will be printed and set out, or put in my scrapbook) but this one I have not seen anywhere.  It was sent t me by a very lovely woman whom I met once in a small store she owns in Albany NY, called PSGOD.  It's beautiful!

~When somebody dies, a coud turns into an angel and flies up to tell God to put another flower on a pillow.  A bird gives the message back to the world and sings a silent prayer that makes the rain cry.  People disappear, but they never really go away.  The spirits up there put the sun to bed, wake up the grass, and spin the Earth in dizzy circles.  Sometimes you can see them dancing in a cloud during the daytime when they're supposed to be sleeping.  They paint the rainbows and also the sunsets and make waves splash and tug at the tide.  They toss shooting stqrs and listen to wishes.  And when they sing wind songs, they whisper to us, "Don't miss me too much.  The view is nice, and I'm doing just fine."~

Peace and Love,   Trish

[grammy3613]

GOOD MORNING ALL!  I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL THAT RESPONDED TO MY POSTS. I FIND I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO LOGGING IN AND BEING HERE ON BI. I HAVE BEEN THINKING ALOT AND I HAVE DECIDED THAT I AM PLANTING A TREE HER IN MY YARD FOR MY TEARA. I WILL HAVE HER GIRLS, KELCIE AND KAYLA, HELP ME. I AM GOING TO FIND ONE WITH PINK BLOSSOMS BECAUSE THAT WAS TEARA'S FAVORITE COLOR. I THINK I WILL ALSO PLANT A FLOWER GARDEN OUTSIDE OF MY BEDROOM WINDOW. I AM HOPING THAT WILL HELP.

KELCIE IS MY OLDEST GRANDDAUGHTER AND SHE IS AWESOME. SHE IS SMART AND ALWAYS SMILING. SHE WILL BE 11 IN NOV. IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY THAT SHE WAS JUST A BABY. SHE LOVES THE WATER AND CHEERLEADING. SHE IS SO MUCH LIKE HER MOM. SHE HAS HER ATTITUDE AND HER MOUTH.LOL THEN THERE'S LITTLE KAYLA. MY 2ND GRANDCHILD. SHE IS SHORT AND STOCKY LIKE HER MOM AND GRAMMY. SHE IS A CAMERA HAM. THERE IS NOTHING SHY ABOUT HER. SHE LOVES TO SING AND SHE MAKES UP HER OWN SONGS TO SING. SHE LOVES TO SWIM AND IS ON A SWIM TEAM. KAYLA IS 9 NOW. SHE HAD A B-DAY IN MARCH SO SHE HAS HAD TO CELEBRATE ONE WITH OUT HER MOM. I THINK THE HARDEST THING WE HAVE HAD TO FACE WITH HER SINCE TEARA'S DEATH WAS A FEW WEEKS AGO SHE SMASHED HER FINGER IN THE CAR DOOR AND SHE WAS CRYING AND SCREAMING FOR HER MOM. WOW.. WE FELL APART.

I AM HAVING A PROBLEM THAT I AM SURE SOMEONE HERE CAN HELP ME WITH. KELCIE AND KAYLA ARE NOT MY ONLY GRANDCHILDREN. I HAVE 3 FROM MY SON, RICHARD AND 1 FROM MY DAUGHTER, JAMIE AND 1 FROM ANOTHER DAUGHTER, AMBER(ONE ON THE WAY) MY SON MOVED IN HERE WITH HIS FAMILY WHEN TEARA DIED. I WASNT SURE I COULD HANDLE THE HOUSE AND ALL THE EMPTYNESS SO I ASK HIM TO. SO HE AND HIS WIFE AND 3 KIDS MOVED IN. IT HAS BEEN GREAT. A FEW PROBS BUT YOU EXPECT THAT WITH 2 FAMILIES MERGING. THE PROBLEM IS THAT I TOOK KELCIE AND KAYLA ON A WEEKEND TRIP AND I AM ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THEM SO I WAS TOLD THAT I HAD OTHER GRAND CHILDREN OTHER THAN THEM AND THAT I NEEDED TO TAKE THE 3 THAT LIVE WITH ME PLACES AND DO MORE WITH THEM. THAT THEY KNEW TEARA'S DEATH WAS HARD ON THE GIRLS BUT THEY WEREN'T MY ONLY GRANDS. I DID NOT APPRECIATE THE GUILT TRIP, BUT I STARTED BEING MORE CAREFULL ON WHAT I SAID AROUND THEM. MY SON IS PLANNIING TO MOVE IN JUNE SO I HAVE BEEN WAITING ON ANY TRIPS FOR KELCIE AND KAYLA. I AM NOT MEANING TO SHOW FAVORITES HERE. BUT IT IS HARD. THE GIRLS HAVE BEEN THRU SO MUCH AND I WANT THEM TO FEEL STILL PART OF THIS FAMILY SINCE THEY HAD TO GO LIVE WITH THEIR DAD AND HIS MOM.

THANKS FOR YOUR "EARS" GRAMMY KELLIE

[4everjoeysmom]

Grammy Kellie,  It's only natural that your focus would be on trying to fill some holes for the two survivng girls of your daughter.  It's not that you are "playing favorites" as much as you are trying to provide the "extra grace" that these two young ones require in the absence of their mother--and you are the closest relative to their mother that they have.  They need to grieve openly and talk about their mommy, and you are the only one that will fully allow and even welcome that, because you need to do that too.  Do NOT feel guilty about any of that.  It is what it is, and no amount of misunderstanding, judgement or jealousy from your son or anyone else is going tp change what is and what is necessary for the two girls.  You certainly will have to do special things for your son's children as able, like special cards and outings "just for them" and with the five in total if possible.  But follow your heart and instincts on this one, no matter how others may want to steer you.  This is your way of honoring your daughter.  You would likely do exactly the same if it had been your son's children to lose their daddy--and I probably would let him know that as well.  You love all of your grandchildren.  This is evident in how you wrote about them.  But, as I said before, your daughter's children need some relational and close support through their grief and the things they will encounter emotionally for some time, and who better to understand and provide that than you???  Right?

When you mentioned the tree and the garden I immediately thought of a cute memorial garden bench that maybe could be decopauged (sp?) with photos, flowers, inscriptions and art designed by you and the girls--with a heavy multi-coated shalack to preserve from the outdoor elements.  It could be a wonderful and healing memorial project the three of you could do together there at your home over time and that you all could enjoy for years to come as you sit and "visit your memories and love' for your daughter Teara and their mommy.  It was just a little "vision" that popped into my head as I read your words.

It's so wonderful to hear that you are finding comfort coming here to BI.  We're here with you, so post away as often as you feel like it.  BIG HUGS, Claudia

[wyomingsal]

Kelly,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.  It is so hard and then to have the family relationships strained makes things even harder.

Teara's siblings might be showing some signs (common in surviving siblings) of jeaulosy themselves that plays out through the grandchildren.  The deceased child becomes elevated and the living children can't compete.  Not that you are doing anything wrong at all.  This is often how the surving sibling perceive things though.  I have tried really hard with my younger children to let them know that I talk about Josh so much because I miss him dearly but I would do the same for them if they weren't here.  I don't wish they died instead of my Joshua. I love them just as much. 

How old are your other grandchildren?  Is there a way to enlist their help in the situation and at the same time let them know you love them just as much as Teara's kids?  Sit down and talk to them if they are old enough to say that since Kelsie and Kayla don't have their mommy here I have to spend some extra time helping them.  I love each of you so much and I would want to do the same for you if something ever happened to your mommy.  Can you all help me a little extra so we can help Kelsie and Kayla together as a family?  Maybe they could all help plan a tribute or memorial for Kelsie and kayla's mommy.  Can you take them all (ok, I know a little much) out together sometimes?  Maybe having Kelsie and Kayla help plan a moving party for their cousins would help them be involved in something different and build good will with their cousins.  The goal is also to build good relationships with the cousins and not build anger, resentment and jeaulosy between them.  

Hugs,

Sal

[wyomingsal]

Also make sure you notice if the cousins are helping and doing nice things and praise them for how sweet and wonderful they are.  Praise them to their parents so that the parents know you love their kids as much. 

Sal

[grammy3613]

CLAUDIA,

WHAT A GREAT IDEA ABOUT THE BENCH. ACTUALLY EVERYTHING YOU SAID HAS BEEN VERY HELPFUL. I HAVE TALKED TO MY SON AND MY GRANDS FROM HIM. IT REALLY HAS BEEN MORE HIS WIFE JULIA THAT HAS MADE ANY COMMENTS. WE HAVE TALKED AND WE ARE WORKING ON THAT. IF NOTHING ELSE TEARA'S DEATH HAS MENDED ALOT OF HURT AND BROKEN FENCES. WE ARE PLANNING TRIPS THIS SUMMER.

I HAVE 7 GRANDS TOTAL AND ONE ON THE WAY. I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH. KELCIE 10, KAYLA 9, DOMINIC 7, SETH 5, ABBIGAIL 4, MALORIE 3, MADISYN 20MONTHS. THEY ARE AWESOME. THEY MAKE ME LAUGH. THEY MAKE ME FEEL YOUNG.

I HAVE 4 CHILDREN, RICHARD 26, JAMIE 23, AMBER 22 AND A STEPDAUGHTER JEANNETTE 26. I AM VERY PROUD OF THEM ALL.

I HAVE NOTICED THAT SINCE I LOST TEARA I HAVE LOOKED DIFFERENTLY AT LIFE OR I MAYBE I JUST FEEL DIFFERENT ABOUT IT. I FIND I AM MORE UNINHIBITED THAN I WAS. I AM MORE OUTGOING AND NOT AS STANDOFFISH. I CANT EXPLAIN WHY. I GUESS I FEEL LIKE LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND UNEXPECTED AND I WANT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ALL THE TIME I HAVE. WHEN I THINK OF UNINHIBITED I CANT HELP BUT SMILE. SEE ABOUT 6 WEEKS AFTER TEARA LEFT I WAS HAVING TO RUN A FEW ERRANDS AND MY SONS KIDS AND 2 OF MY BROTHER'S KIDS WANTED TO GO WITH ME. SO I TOOK THEM. BEFORE WE WERE FINISHED WITH THE ERRANDS WE HAD THE RADIO IN THE VAN CRANKED UP AND I SHOCKED THEM BY GETTING OUT OF THE VAN AND DANCING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.LOL  CARS PASSING AND THE KIDS THOUGHT I WAS GREAT. BUT THEY FIGURED THEY HAD TO OUTDO GRAMMY SO I PULLED INTO A LITTLE STORE AND YELLED "DANCE' AND 5 KIDS JUMPED OUOT OF MY VAN IN THE PARKING LOT OF A STORE AND WAS DANCING LIKE CRAZY. MAN WE HAD FUN. THEY ASK FOR US TO DO THAT EVERY NOW AND AGAIN. AND WE WILL.

I WANT TO SAY I WILL CHECK IN HERE LATER AND IN THE MORNING, BUT I LEAVE FOR IOWA TO PICK UP MY GRAND MALORIE AND DAUGHTER AMBER AND BRING THEM HOME HERE FOR ABOUT 6 WEEKS. I MISS THEM.

THANKS ALL   GRAMMY KELLIE

[4everjoeysmom]

Grammy Kellie,  THANKS SO MUCH for sharing your family--beautiful!!  I am happy for you that you were able to talk to your daughter-in-law and flush out some of the concerns.  Open communication is so lovely and not always easy in times like these, for sure.  And I laughed when I read about your "Dancing in the Streets" and parking lots and such.  Truly wonderful!!  Don't worry about having to post every day to keep up with everyone.  We're here, and when we aren't, we catch up pretty quickly.  PLEASE TRAVEL SAFELY and know that you and your family are in my prayers.  I am really glad to have this opportunity to get to know you.  I'm sorry for the reason...BUT so blessed by having this community to be a part of as a result.  Bless you Kellie.  Stay in touch...  Hugs, Claudia 

[daveydow1]

 

Kellie,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Teara.  Auto accidents

are so sudden, and when a loved one dies, it leaves you with such shock

and disbelief. The mind keeps denying that such a thing could happen. My

son, Davey, age 31, died nearly 5 years ago in a highway accident which

was not his fault. When the highway patrol came to our house to tell us,

it just spun us into mind-numbing horror.  The shock and disbelief does

"soften"  in the passing years, but the sorrow and sense of loss always

seems to remain.  Your granddaughters are such beautiful girls. They will

give you comfort, as you try to do the same for them. Family support is a

big help.  Please come back to BI and read/post anytime. All of us here

knows your pain & grief.   Peace be with you.

                                               Daveysmom,    Sherry

[mamabets]

For Grandma Kellie~ We welcome you here, to be with us, as you journey on this very lonesome highway...How wonderful that you seem to have the outlook that will help you get through some of the darkest hours...

My 25 year old son, Danny, left us in June of 2004. It is horrific, yes, but I know that he is in a paradise beyond words, and I know that we will all be reunited again one day with our angels... 

I have a large family, as well. I am one of five, I have a sister with five,  a daughter with 2 grandaughters, and all of my siblings have kids, so I do get great comfort from them all. I share them all with those here that do not have little ones...Little stories and pictures...

May you always find your way here to us...We know you and your broken heart,  and we admire your strength and courage . Teara will always be by your side, just differently now. I truly feel that all of our angels are together, and this is how we have all found each other here.

LOVE

mamabets 

[mikesmum]

Kellie - You are surrounded by a wonderful extended family..  Losing a child does change the way we look at the world.  Inhibitions fall to the wayside as we become more atuned to the 'really important things in life.' I find myself with grandies in tow skipping, singing and just being where once I might have curtailed my behaviour.....life is too short.

You will find here many who know your story, because in a lot of ways it will be similar.  Please come often....read if you don't want to post....post if you need.  As each challenge arises you will find much comfort and support here......Take Care...Trudi

Something for all my BI friends......

[ericasmom]

I just sent a rather lengthy response here, so sorry but it did not send. Suffice it to say that I am thrilled with loss of some inhibitions, it simply is refreshing. We change, we are changed adn made different by our tragic losses, and so when we learn to breathe and walk again in the day, knowing we carry pieces of brokeness within us, we have learned the hardest thing. We know what is precious in this world, we know the fragility of life and the resiliance of spirit. We  are the put-back-together-evidence of our children's existance. I celebrate this each day.

Loss and Repair

My heart beats to rhythms otherwise unknown

To the rhythms of loss and repair-

Loss and repair-

Loss and repair.

Each loss causes the need for work, for repair.

Caulk in those fishers before they give way,

and spackle in the deep creases where nests of grief have been built.

Don’t live there the whole time

or living becomes an oxymoron.

Integrate your grief so that it is yours

designed by your heart and spirit,

beautiful and golden,

And listen to the new rhythms of

Loss and repair.

By dee conmy

[simonsmam]

Hi,

I cannot believe that I am yet again having to cope with another tragic situation. My 50 year old brother who has cerebral palsy and is both physically and mentally disabled is very ill in hospital and we have been on such an emotional rollercoaster over the last 2 weeks. He has 24 hour care in a privately run 2 bedroom unit and is very well looked after. Two weeks last Friday, he went into hospital with a suspected urine infection. They did a series of tests and on the Tuesday were going to check for diabetes. Then at teatime my other brother rang to say that he had taken a turn for the worse. He had lost his ability to swallow, his oxygen levels had dropped really low and they were letting him go peacefully. We made a frantic dash to the hospital and I stayed the night with my mother watching his every breath and sound as he became agitated. Then ,somehow he stabilised and they put him on antibiotics and restartd his normal epilepsy medication. On the Friday we were told that one lung had collapsed and that he was struggling with the other one.

My almost 80year old mother has spent 8 out of 14 days overnight and has not had any sleep in the day!! My brother has now been without food for 12 days  and they will need to do something soon but he may not survive some of the medical options. I have to be there to support my mother through this, she considers him to be ‘Mam’s Boy’ and fusses over him like a young child even though he is a 50 year old man. We are having conflicting opinions and I am scared that he will slip away if we do not speak up, I am going to see make an appointment on Tuesday.

I have lived in an unreal world again for the last 2 weeks where speaking of death is against nature. I know what my mother may have to go through. This has emphasised to me what an unreal world we have lived in for almost 2 years. To make matters worse, Simon’s headstone was put up on the afternoon that we rushed to the hospital. I was only able to see it a week later as the timing had to be right. It is just what we wanted but, seeing it is unbelievable.

I have been there for my mother so many times over the years but my brother has not been so seriously ill before. To make thing even harder he is in the hospital Simon went to after is accident and I relive that day each time we approach the entrance.

 I don’t know how much longer I can keep being strong. Simon’s birthday is on May 15^th and his anniversary on May 20^th.My husband,2 girls ,their husbands and Simon’s wife have been so supportive.

Sorry to go on but I know you will all understand and be supportive

Take care,

Love Avril xxx

[mikesmum]

Dee - Your words?  So poignant so accurate so very much how we survive.  Thank you so much.

Avril - Timing is everything and for you unfortunately timing is bring so much crashing around you.  I am so pleased that Simons memorial is finally in place.  Even if you didn't get to see it at the time.......it is a bittersweet moment....a finality that we all wish we never had to endure.

Thoughts and prayers are with you, your mum and brother at a time when emotions run high and spirits can take a beating.

As always, when you can, come, read, post or just be.....Trudi

[ericasmom]

Oh Aviril,

 I am so sorry for the pain of this sadness. Your brother's health is a roller-coaster adn there is no teling what way things will go. Is your other brother able to share time with you at the hospital? Ifeel that your being there to support your Mom, in the very place that you lost your Son, and so very close to his dates, both the sadness date adn the beauty date, are way too many components for one human to handle. But of course you will handle it Avril, because you have already handeled the worst of experiences. I would however, ask for the support of others right now, and I am glad that you have some good support already, but you may need some time to just sit at the memorial site, to just be you dealing with this sad time.

I know that it is disappointing when the stone is put in, we were supposed to be called when the stone was going in, but we weren't and one day I went to the cemetary after work and there it was. The stone with my Daughter's name and her dates staring up at me from the ground. I fell to my knees and sobbed. Seeing her name engravedin granite is too much, very hard and while it is beautiful, it is the saddest thing to see. NOw, this many years later, I can appreciate the beauty of the stone, the setting, the quiet, and I am happy when I have time on a warm enough day to sit beside My Girl's grave.

Trudi, you give such solid advice to all of us, thanks,

Dee

[summergirl]

Aviril - I am so sorry about the pain you are dealing with - I understand your emotions have having to go to the "same hospital" as I had to do that when my husband was in the hospital about 8 weeks ago - had to pass the "room" where Jessica was when we had to go "identify" her. It is heartbreaking each time so my prayers are with you. Be easy on yourself if you can and as hard as it is you must help your mom with the possiblity of losing your brother as you will be the one who understands what she is going through as we all know here at BI. God Bless you.

Kellie - your daughter sounds so wonderful and I know also about spending the time with your daughter's girls - they lost their mom as did my 4 year old grandson - we now have custiody of him - but when Jessica left us he was my main focus above all else and anyone who said anything to me about it was "put in their place" so to speak. We do not love our children any less than the other but we do love them differently as they are different and require different things. Your family will come to understand in time and although it may be hard on them follow your heart and all will come together in time.  Plant that tree and do that bench - it will give you tremendous strength - I put in a fish pond with a beautiful garden which I call "Jessie's Garden" and I am the only one who tends to it and make sure it is always blooming with flowers and love. I also have a bench that Jessica had given to me about 3 months before she passed - it sits on my deck and I love it. Come post anytime and ask any thing - we are all here. I know that this site has saved my life and sanity many times over during these past 2 years and I will forever be grateful to all who have helped me on this path we walk together.

To all - great weekend with Tavian - he was happy and laughing. Also - good news on his report card - he did excellent in everything, his teacher said he is very smart and is going to go places - I am so proud of him so Barry and I spent yesterday as "Tavian's special day" and we did all he wanted to do. Just the proud mi-mi talking so it's ok to brag!!

Good night to all and God Bless you - the poems are beautiful and Greg, once again thank you for the "mothers day" poem - I have printed it and love it. Thought about sending it to Hallmark but it's nice to dream now and them.

Love to all - Kathy

[johnnysmama]

My husband and I just finished Johnny's 1 year Angel Day balloon launch video and posted it on you tube. Cry everytime I watch. Thanks for watching.

Kay

 

 

 

[mikesmum]

Kay - Brilliant colours fly high with heartfelt messages to your handsome boy.  Amazing how they travel so far and the story impacts on someone so far away......

Kathy - Great to hear Tavian is doing so well at school...I guess its down to the gene pool? 

To all here - the days seem easier, then there is the lightest feather that causes an overwhelming emotional tsunami.  

Mike, nothing I do seems to reconcile you not being here.......As Lauren says in her post on your site......I miss you ringing, even when there is nothing to say, just to hear your voice......'What ya doing'......I would always answer 'talking to you'.......I so want that back.......I miss you my son my son.......nothing is the same....I am not the same.......

 

[mamabets]

For johnnysmama~ With love to you, as your video just took my breath away~ Johnny is with all of us, always, just in a different, yet magical still, way~

LOVE

mamabets 

[mamabets]

For simonsmam~ My prayers go to you, Aviril, and your dear family. We all wrap our hearts and arms around you with love and hope that you will lean on us during this difficult time.

I wonder...Does this EVER end??? Life's pain...OUCH!!!!!!!

Knowing that we are all here for each other helps so much. Whether we are posting or reading, we are together always, by heart~

LOVE

mamabets

[mommabert]

to every mom i wish you the best mothers day you can have. this will be my first true mothers day without my josh. he went home on the 8th of may of last year. mothers day was / is a blurr. from last year. the tears and pain are all still fresh. it hurts so deepley to know i will not hear from him . i miss him so much. i will find out how to send pictures so you can see my baby. my little guy grew up to be a great guy.and now he is gone. love mommabert 

[ericasmom]

Kay Dear,

I just watched your balloon launch and I wept. First off, the music, I love that song and it is a real tear producer, and the pictures of the loving people in your lives, your son's life. Goodness knows that Johnny is greatly remembered and loved. How cool that a balloon traveled so far, and now he has affected teh lives of others...if for only a moment our children remind others to live their lives fully, then they are truly God's messengers.

My heart to you and thanks for sharing.

Dee

[summergirl]

Kay - I just finished watching the balloon launch for Johnny - so beautiful, the family and friends - remembering. Sara McLaughlin is one of my favorite singers - Jessica and I used to play her CD with that song "will you remember me" on it and we would sing along - how the tears fell as I listened and watched all of you sending your messages to Johnny - it truely is a wonderful moment in time. The fact that someone found one of the balloons is another wonder from above. God Bless you.

To all - a beautiful sunny day today - blue skies and warm breeze - so nice but so hard at the same time as Jessica would have been calling me to say "mom it is so nice out i'm coming over after work and hang out" - how I am missing her so. The thought of Mother's day approaching is another step to take on this journey, this will be my third without her and it seems so impossible - how did I get through the past two? how do I get through each day, each night, each "anniversary" of firsts, seconds and now working on thirds!!! My sister just sent me pictures she had found of Jessica when she was little, age 2 and 4 - she called me to tell me they were coming as she did not want me to open the card and find them, she thought I should be prepared - I am never prepared for anything about my daughter - some days are smiles and laughter and other tears of despair and heartache. It shall always be so.

Tired tonight as Tavian had a "mommy" moment and it took me some time to get him calmed down. It is because of Mother's day - he told me "all the kids in my class are making cards for their mommies and they talk about their mommies and I don't have one because she is in Heaven" - I told him he can still make her a card and he said "can we take it to where we visit mommy and she can come get it and read it"? and I said of course and he hugged me and drifted off to sleep. WHY, WHY, WHY???? My heart breaks for him so much, so young to have such a loss in his life and now it is about Kaylie too - he said "now I don't have 2 people in my life, mommy and Kaylie" and I just tear up and do the best I can with what I have been dealt. It SUCKS!!

I am sorry for having my "moment" but I know you will all understand so thank you and bless you all.  Kathy

[ericasmom]

Kathy, this is the kind of weather that would have warrented a call from ERi too. She loved this weather, loved the thought of swimming and laying at the beach in the city.

Mothers Day can be tricky especially for those of you that are raising your grandbabies. But I love that you gave Tavian the idea of still creating a card for Momma, and leaving it for her to read. Each year we have to be careful with theMom-day stuff. I have two girls this year who are not living with Mom, one that would like to never see her Mom because she makes life really bad for her. She was/is a drug addict and causes a great deal of strife for her children. So we have to tip-toe lightly on holidays to make sure we don't' over-do. Some years I have had Foster Children and that is very tricky as well. It sounds to me that you handled it all very well and there will be Mommy moments for you both.

To all of you GrandMoms and GrandDads, may you know how dearly I think of the job you are doing helping raise these lovely little ones, even when your own hearts are trying to beat in a sensible rhythm, when all sense-making left the day our kids did.

Peace One DAy,

Dee