Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Bigmikesmom, Patti,

Thank you for the poem.  Yes, the author does express so many feelings

that all of us have, and yet gives hope.  I am so glad that all of us here

at BI are free to express those feelings any time, and have friends who

understand perfectly because they have those same feelings. Loss of

a child, at any age, is absolutely the most devastating event in our lives.

There is no way the sorrow can  be overstated. As many have said--

"there are no words" to rightfully describe it.  Prayers and peace to all here.

                                              Daveysmom,    Sherry

[daveydow1]

Mikesmomrs, Carol,

  Such a beautiful  stone, and the words are so nice. I especially like the

 bottom line------ Earthbound---No More.  We can all rest assured that

 our dearly beloved children are in heaven--free from cares and pain.

 God bless each and every one of them.  Peace to you, friend.

                                         Daveysmom,   Sherry 

[lorismom]

Hello Everyone ~ It has been a while since I've posted, but I still come here to read everyday as I find so much comfort and strength from all of you. Sal, I too, am amazed at the beauty that comes out of the hurt and grief. My heart goes out to all the new parents who have found their way to BI. It certainly has been a lifeline for me and I know I would not want to be traveling this long journey without the support that I have found here. Soon, it will be 4 years since I lost Lori in a car accident. The horrific grief that I once felt has now been replaced with less pain and more joy and an appreciation of the beauty that I find out in nature.........the beautiful dogwood and magnolias that are now in full bloom, the abundance of birds that spend all day at my feeders and birdbaths, along with all the other little critters like the squirrels, chipmunks, and the neighbor's pets! Lori loved animals so much. She had an apartment that she beautifully decorated with many tropical plants and quite a few fish tanks and bird cages. I used to love spending time at her place. It was very peaceful and tranquil. She really was my best friend in this life. Well, it is time to say good night to all. May you have sweet dreams of your children. Love, Patty

[mamabets]

For mikesmomrs~ What a beautiful stone, Carol...SOOOOOOOOOOOO comforting. It is just what Mike would want!!

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For johnnysmama~ Such a beautiful smile on your sweet boy...I know that he lights up our darkened skies, along with all of these beautiful angels...

Peace to you, Kay, peace, whenever you can grab it~

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For wyomingsal~ I, too, have been so amazed at the love and steady compassion that comes from all of these broken hearts. We have all been struck down...Completely...Yet, we are so compassionate, still.

Perhaps this is part of the bigger picture, who knows for sure. I know that me and my Danny are doing this together. I have inherited so very much from HIM since this has happened.

I have had a couple of weeks that have been so painful. When this happens, I just freeze until I thaw.. It's the only way that I know how to get back up again, and it seems to work.

LOVE

mamabets

 

[daveydow1]

Lorismom, Patty,

 I agree with what you said about being able to enjoy the beauty of nature.

Now that spring is here, there are so many things to love about nature---

flowers, trees, animals etc.  My son, Dave, also loved animals. He had a large

tropical fish tank in his apartment, and had various pets at different times---

turtles, sm. lizards, and all the different types of fish. Lori's apartment must

have looked something like Dave's. Animal lovers of all kinds have good and

kind hearts.  As you say, in time the pain becomes softer---always there, but

softer.  It will be 5 yrs. since Dave passed, and my husband and I always look

to nature and the seasons to find comfort and solace.  Our memories of 

Davey  and  Lori will always bring us comfort .  Peace be with you.

                                              Daveysmom, Sherry

                                                                                 

[mikesmum]

To all - Thank you all for your kindness and words of support.  I thought once the court case against my employer was won I would feel better.  Not so.  One of the major news papers here did a piece on the case. I have included the link.  Mikes picture is on the 'hard copy'.  It completely shook me, just seeing his picture. 

This past Friday was our ANZAC day.  Soliders, families and the communities across the country pay their respects to those who fought and died in many wars.  Mal is a Vietnam Vet.  We travelled to Canberra last week to visit the 'War Memorial".  It is an imposing structure with many exhibits and information about all the conflicts.  As we stood watching a visual re-enactment of soliders being flown into battle by helicopter I noticed the faces of the men now in their late 50's.   They seemed transfixed.  At the end many shook hands.  None of them knew each other personally but they had shared an experience that connected them.  I thought of us here at BI. None of us know each other, yet by experience, the loss of our children we are connected. I watched as this group talked.  Through their memories became young men again. Each had married had family and 'moved on'.  But life changed back then, it altered them forever. For many its 30yrs on.

There is a song by a band Cold Chisel. its about the difficulty a solider has returning to his 'life' after the war.  One line....."its only something other vets could understand' resonates with me - trying to continue this life after losing Mike.  Its only something Veterans of this journey understand.  Lives have changed, there is no going back....I know this now, no court win bought my son back to me.  If anything it reinforced that he is no longer here.

Grief and loss - a journey an ongoing battle to surive one day at a time.....it changes you no matter what.  

Mike - Time moves forward, I on the other hand cannot.  Part of my life is frozen in time, my heart is broken and with each beat the pain is unbearable.  Your face, your smile, how I wish I could see you again my son my son........I have so much in this life to be grateful for.  Grandbabies, Steve & Melissa a loving husband all part of the reason I get up each day.  I walk through the motions playing the roles that see me through till  I return to my shattered world.....I love you my son.  You were my heart light, the one who connected with me, you were the one who got me.  Nothing brings you home Mike, I am constantly lost...Love you son, be safe where ever you are..........

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,23602725-2862,00.html

 

  

[heathershope]

Hi...I have a similiar message floating out there that I sent twice already but I'm not really sure where I sent them to...I am very fuzzy headed in my thinking these days.  So if you see duplicate messages I am sorry.  Mostly I just wanted to let you all know how amazing the poems and the memorial stone are and how inspiring they are. 

I have been away for a few days (gall bladder attacks) and came to read the posts today in a very down mood, I am 16 days from living without my daughter for a year.  But the posts were so uplifing...a real testament to the love these children inspired.  I will try to focus on this love and this beauty instead of my sadness.  Thank you all for sharing of yourselves.

Terri

[lorismom]

Dear Sherry ~ Thank you so much for your kind words. I think Davey and Lori would have been great friends in this life with the same love and interest in animals. It does sound like their apartments would have looked similar with all the critters! Lori had so many aquariums over the years. She had many tropical fish, turtles, frogs, and an iguana that she had named "Iggy". Sometimes, being at her apartment was almost like being in a pet store! I, too, find it very healing to be out in nature and springtime is always one of my favorite seasons. Take care. Love, Patty

[mikesmomrs]

Thank you all so very much for taking the time to read my post and view Mike's stone, and your loving comments.  It means so much to have people who understand and will be there to "listen" as you all do when there is the need.  As I said in my post, there is no one in my physical world who would understand as much as all of you here...it is so comforting to have this support.

Greg...I do love that poem.  I had seen a little different version of it and had not saved it at that time, so will save this one. 

My husband and I celebrated our anniversary today...our 44th, unbelievably.  (I say "unbelievably" because how can I  be married  for 44  years, when I am only 39 years old!    We went out to dinner, and we know that Mike was celebrating with us, because when we turned in to the restaurant parking lot, there was a bright red Volkswagen, tucked into the line of cars, as though waiting for us to drive down that particular lane and see it….

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[mamabets]

For briansdad~ The poem is just beautiful. It is special, under these sad circumstances, when we find things like this. It reminds us how much time HAS passed, and how much closer we are to the day when we are reunited with our kids again.

LOVE

mamabets

[lagrangel]

Carol,

   Happy Anniversary congratulations on 44 years! I also love the stone for your son. It was beautiful. I know how much it means to you when we had finished our sons stone it was the final statement that honored our son. I place flowers in his vases and always tend to it I guess the mother in me wants to make sure it all right. Love and prayers, Lana

[lorismom]

Dear Carol ~ I would also like to congratulate you on your 44th anniversary today! And what a beautiful stone of your son Mike relaxing in the hammock with the words "Earth-bound no more". I believe our children have left their Earthly burdens behind. Someday I think we will know the peace that they now enjoy. It's the parents that are left behind that struggle with their physical absence. Lately, I feel as if I'm on a bit of rollercoaster again. I think I'm just thinking about Lori a lot lately especially with her 4th angel date coming up soon. Thank you again for sharing Mike's stone with us. Take care. Love, Patty

[briansdad]

Here is something else I found that I liked. I think it really applies to our kids.It seems that they all packed a lot in their dash

[align=left]

The Dash ­

[/align]

I read of a reverend who stood to speak

At the funeral of his friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

From the beginning-to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth

And spoke of the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all

Was the dash between those years.

For the dash represents all the time

That she spent alive on earth,

And now only those who loved her

Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;

The cars, the house, the cash.

What matters is how we live and love

And how we spend the dash.

So think about this long and hard,

Are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left.

(You could be at "dash mid-range.")

If we could just slow down enough

To consider what's true and real,

And always try to understand

The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,

And show appreciation more

And love the people in our lives

Like we've never loved before,

If we treat each other with respect,

And more often wear a smile,

Remembering that this special dash

Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read

With your life's actions to rehash­ -

Would you be pleased .with the things they say.

 About how you spent your dash?    Author unknown

[summergirl]

Trudi - I am truely sorry for your pain right now and all that you are suffering. I know that you are a strong woman and you will be able to take those steps forward that you need to. Take your time and let yourself heal - I think of you every day and coffee overlooking the mountains was great for me - thank you. Also, thanks for your words about Tavian calling me mommy - it is as you say - Tavian is becoming more comfortable, safe and secure and that is a blessing.

Kay, Sonya, Carol and Claudia - thank you so much for your words of wisdom on Tavian calling me mommy - there are many different "mommies" in the world and I know that Tavian will always know that Jessica is his mommy but he is still such a babe and if he needs me to be mommy than I am going to go with the flow and see where it takes us. I like what you said Carol about letting Tavian go with his heart - it made me look at it in a different view. Claudia you also are right when you said it is a step in healing for both me and Tavian and for that I am glad. All I know is that it has taken me some time to get my heart to believe that Jessica would want this - she always wanted what was best for Tavian and he always came first with her so I know that she is "smiling" to see Tavian happy and if I am the chosen one to see that his life is filled with happiness and as little pain as possible that I will do what ever needs to be done. So thank you all for helping me with a diffacult problem. BI is forever helping me with the problems we face when having lost a child and I do not know what I would do without all of you.

Carol - the stone is so beautiful - thank you for sharing. I was going to post a picture of Jessica's because it is so beautiful and now I feel like I can. I love the etching in the stone - it is so heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time, you can be proud.

Greg - the poems are beautiful - thank you for sharing them. I love the line "God did not take me from you, he only took my hand" - you are the best Greg - always sharing such beautiful poems and when you are ready I am ready for another video! The one you did is such a treasure to me - thank you. Brian is so proud of you.

Goodnight to all - tomorrow back to work so will try to get some sleep - hopefully sleep will not elude me as it usually does.   God bless all - Kathy  

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ I remember when Julia and Jackie came to North Caroline to live with us- They had been in Florida, and there were many "grandmas", so many around her all of the time...She IMMEDIATELY started to call me "Bets" , Danny thought it was soooooo funny, and it has stuck. She is 9 now, and I have said to her, now that Caroline is here..."Julia, do you want to call me Grandma Bets now??"

"Nope...You will always be my Bets" she says

So, if Tavian has decided on "Mom", most definately, let it be... Jess wants this and remember, she guides your every step and whispers to every beat of your heart...

LOVE

mamabets

[heartbeataway]

Brians Dad, Greg,

Hope you don't mind that I shared your video.  This is our memorial day. Jason has been gone for a year today.  I sent this out earlier ............ again, hope you don't mind.

It's hard to believe that Jason's been gone for a year now. It's been a really short year and a really long year.

Rich and I just couldn't bring ourselves to commemorate this day. The saddest day in our lives.

We choose to continue to celebrate his life. So, mark your calendars for the weekend of October 25th. We'll meet again at The Cove in Gore and do "All Things Jay".

 

So today, light a candle, drink a beer, have a glass of wine and toast the life of, "the little boy that was, the man who grew, the love we knew and the spirit he is today". 

 

This is a video that was done by a Dad on my grief site to honor not only his son's birthday but our children as well. So, here's to you Jason and to all the other children that are there with you.

 

Love is a journey that never ends .............. 

We love you dearly, Mom & Dad

 

 

From Greg Klocke:

Ok, Here is my gift to all of you in honor of Brian's birthday.I had to put it on his web site because none of the other sites could handle a file this big.If I missed some of your kids I'm sorry.I can make another one. The song is one I think our kids would approve of.

http://brian-klocke.memory-of.com/Uploads/Videos/Video633440256835023750.wmv

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie:  my thoughts and prayers are with you on this so very difficult day.  It is a day we don't want to even acknowledge, but the calendar insists, and that is not something we can change.  I know what you mean about not wanting to commemorate this day...our first Oct 14th was so very difficult, though made bearable by unplanned circumstances---I realized at the last minute that I was going to be alone in the house at the hour of Mike's leaving us the year before,  and at the last minute, a very close friend of Mike's decided to "pop in" and he absolutely saved me from what I thought would be instant insanity.  I truly believe that Mike sent him to me, and this further helped me through those minutes and hours.  I do hope that you are with loved ones, even if only your husband, throughout the day--

I am glad you are looking forward to celebrating Jason's life in October---this is what we did, also, and this is what our children would want us to do, I am sure of that.  wishing you some peaceful moments today.

carol  mikesmomrs

[daniellemom]

Bonnie,

My thoughts and prayers are with you today.

[johnnysmama]

Dear Bonnie

God Bless you and your family and Jason. I lit a candle and said a prayer for Jason and you today. Having been through the one year mark just a month ago I know how you are feeling. You have a great idea of celebrating his life. I always say if I would have been given the choice between not having the pain or having Johnny for 21 years-bring on Johnny. We all wish we could have longer but we did have their gifts they brought to us for a short time and we will have their love forever-forever in our hearts. God Bless you today-my heart breaks for you.

 

Peace, Kay

[johnnysmama]

Carol

Happy Anniversary and I love your signs from Mike-all the red volkswagons. He is still showing his love for you. How sweet.

 

Peace, Kay

[lorismom]

Dear Bonnie ~ I am with you by heart today. May cherished memories of Jason wrap around you like a cozy blanket and bring you a little peace and comfort. Love, Patty

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - It is so true....Steven and Melissa had a similar idea....while the acknowledge the sad day Mike left this earth, they prefer to 'celebrate the boy/man' on the day he came to be....June 4th '75.  I have to say I agree.  Its winter here then and just 26 days before my birthday.....I would rather be round an open fire, telling stories and reliving the best part of our lives......

I hope your October date brings you many smiles, tears and laughs as you all gather with 'all things Jason'.  

Carol - Red punch buggies.......a sign not even the greatest skeptics would miss!

Kathy - Mum or mimi, you have been given the greatest gift and as Betsy says, Jess is guiding you all the way......

 

[briansdad]

Bonnie,

And all of you for that matter.What ever I post here is for all of us.We share our grief and we should share anything that may help each other.

One year is still so raw.It seems like an eternity and just a few days at the same time.

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, THOUGHTS, HUGS, and PRAYERS......  ~Claudia

[loveyoujustin]

Bonnie~Thinking of you with love and prayers for comfort and peace today.  How true your words are, we slould all cling to them, "Love is a journey that NEVER ends!"

Peace and Love~Trish

[daveydow1]

Mikesmumrs, Carol,

     Congratulations and Best wishes on your 44th anniversary. May

     you have many more.

      Peace.  

                                   Daveysmom,   Sherry

[daveydow1]

Bonnie,

   Prayers for peace and serenity for you on this day.

   Peace be with you always.

                                       Daveysmom,   Sherry

[briansdad]

Lyrics to another song I found.

Timeless like a picture

Moments trapped in ice

Memories that sparkle in my mind

Colours in the river

Reflections make me smile

Ripples of a heart that echoes mine

I've come to know so much of love

I can't forget

And though you're gone there's not a moment

I regret

If living is without you

I will face it and be strong

No one's touched my life like you have

I'm so grateful we were one

If Id never come to know you then

I'd never feel this pain

But there is nothing that we share

That I would change

Golden layers of fire

Burning in the sky

Drowning out the shadows with their light

Sometimes it's hard to understand the reasons why

We both believe there is no end, no goodbye

If living is without you

I will face it and be strong

No one's touched my life like you have

I'm so grateful we were one

If I'd never come to know you then

I'd never feel this pain

But there is nothing that we share

That I would change

If living is without you

I will face it and be strong

No one's touched my life like you have

I'm so grateful we were one

If I'd never come to know you then

I'd never feel this pain

But there is nothing that we share

That I would change

[lorismom]

Briansdad ~ Those lyrics are just beautiful and so true.  Thank you for sharing......

[ericasmom]

Bonnie,

it is a day that makes us all ache for you, knowing how hard this mark of time is. It is both a short and a long year, as time becomes an abstract notion once we lose our children. May you feel the love of your Jason each and every day, knowing that this day is not the defining moment of your young man...rather, all of his days and all of his ways of being the boy and then the man he became are what defines him. The way he rests in so many hearts defines who your Son will always be.

Peace and prayers,

Dee

[ericasmom]

Hi to All, my computer has been funky, and I have had some strange flu, but I wanted to just say hi to Everyone and wish you all a good evening. I read the lyrics Greg, so pretty. Have any of you listened to a CD that came out in 2003 by Fleetwood Mac? I heard it right after Erica died, it is called Say You Will, (I think). Anyway the last two tracks are called Goodbye Baby, and I think Baby Goodbye. They speak about a loss that sounds so much like losing a child. I weep. The whole album is great but those last two songs are amazingly poignant.

Love the Grandma Betts story Bett, love all the ways all of you are so able to share.

Peace in all you do,

Dee

[mamabets]

For heartbeataway~ This is so true, Bonnie...They are but a "heartbeat" away.

With so much love and support to you every day. You are a true inspiration to all of us here, and to have you as part of our family helps us all.

LOVE

mamabets 

[heartbeataway]

Good Morning Friends,

Today, the day after ........ I find it remarkable how a day can change so much. I fell into a place with no energy, no words, no real feelings. But we've past the one year memorial day and we were totally blessed with the outpouring of love and memories from our family, friends, Jason's friends and our BI family.  The day was easier because of each one of you.  Thanks to everyone for your kind comments, love and support.

Brian's Dad, Greg,  You have no idea what an impact the video had on so many. I heard so many grateful, tearful, heartfelt comments.  It put into perspective that the journey is many. Grief happens to others. And they all need to be honored and remembered. Thank you for making the video and also for allowing us to share it. Many hearts were touched. 

Happy Anniversary Carol!  44 years is quite an accomplishment!  And the stone is beautiful!  You did good!!

Allow Tavian to call you what his heart feels is right and it will be right. He's blessed to have you as well as you're blessed to have him.

Today is beckoning so I need to move on ........... The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and I can hear it all .............  Love!  JasonH's Mom, Bonnie

 

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, how great that you can hear it all, it is truly a blessing to be able to hear and see all that awaits us in a day. I am so happy that you feel enveloped by all those who love you, who love your Son...

Claudia, where are you? I am wondering if you are okay? I miss you.

Carol, I do not know if I remarked about the anniversary of so many years married. How awesome, what a mark of time that is. congratulations on your marriage standing strong through so much.

Peace to All,

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Dee, I'm here, reading every day (at least).  I've been kind of melancholy through the past several days.  maybe it's the rain...  yesterday actually was the first day of sunshine in quite some time.  I spent half the day weeding and doing outdoor chores.  I can't say it was fun, but it was productive and my body is thanking me for the sunshine and exercise.  Today is one of those days where tears linger close to the surface.  My husband was feeling playful and hugged me this morning, kind of rocking me about and knocked over a ceramic pitcher, which broke into many pieces.  I cried.  After a while of cleaning up and putting in order what would be for breakfast, I realized how much anything broken gets to me...it truly is symbolic of my brokenness.  I wonder will I spend a lifetime now feeling broken.  In all honesty, and in my line of work, being broken is not a bad thing.  It's humbling and allows others to see the realness....  but sometimes it would just feel so good to have back the "pre-grief" feelings of "all is well".  You know?  I tend to be more quiet and reflective when I feel like this, and that too is ok.  How I can't wait for thsi rainy season to end....

I watched a movie last night with Jauquin Pheonix--Reservation Road.  My husband brought it and others home last week, and I wasn't prepared, I guess, to watch this one.  A little boy was killed hit and run, and the storyline was about his father's grief and determination to hunt down the killer.  It was ok as far as movies go--not bad, not great.  But there was a scene where he was watching a home video of his son.  It just made me long to have a video or voice recording of Joey.  I have nothing like that.  I so wish I did.  But then I wonder would I dwell on it and would it make me more sad?  I have all kinds of memories of Joey and his voice recorded in my head and heart.  It will have to be enough.  I just hope I can hold them through the aged years....  I guess that's what bothers me most...forgetting details.  It was something that haunted me early on, and probably somethign we all struggle with--or so I am guessing we all do.  I guess sometimes I sit in astonishment and still cannot believe, after 21 months, that he's just gone.  Gone!  I mean, I know he's with the Lord, and I do know it;s not the ultimate end, dying here.  But...  ugh!  I just miss him so much.

So anyway, that's where I am today, as well as trying to motivate for other tasks on my to-do list.  But for today I'm just kind of chilling.  Thanks for thinking of me.  As I have been reflecting on Joey, it always leads me to thoughts of you, Eri, others here and their precious kids.  Blessings for comfort and healing to you, and to all here.  ~Claudia 

[ericasmom]

Oh Claudia, I so feel your angst. I do know the brokeness, the vulnerablility that you feel right now. And while yours, mine and many others belief systems allow us to know we will once again see our babies, the fact that they are gone now...well hell, nothing can fill that hole. I still wonder how? How is it possible that she is just no longer here? What? And as I said earlier today or yesterday, time is so strange, so odd after we lose a child. It makes no sense or at least not the kind of sense it used to make. LIke Bonnie said, the year went fast and slow. On nights wehn the pain si so huge, the clock mocks us and seems to rufuse to move, while other days just zip by and both really confound me.

This weekend my great nephew married his sweetheart. They are only 21 so I worry but the whole family was together and I half expected to see Erica walk through the door, laughing and shouting out to her brother, to her cousins. They are such a group, and she is missing from the table.NOw I have 8 great neices and great nephews, and I know Erica loves them all, and when I hold the young ones, or dance with them or take them to the park, I speak to ERi and tell her that I know she is watching over these little ones. Kids loved her very much and she delighted in them.

I know you worry about forgetting the fine details, I am sure we all do. Funny, I do have a video of eri, and I have only watched it once. It was a long one that her dear friend susannah gave me. Eri and Sus always loved making movies when they were little. so Susannah put the movies together on one video. THe night I put it on, I was alone. I did not want to share this time with anyone else, so unsure of how I would react and it just felt private. Well, I put it in and I heard the first voice but my back was turned from the screen. I did not recognize that it was Erica speaking, when I saw the screen I thought , " oh my God, I didn t know it was her, and I wept and wept...I did not know my own girl's voice." I later was able to restart the video and watch it, but I needed to sob first. She was 9 years old when the tape was made and 19 when she died so of course her voice was a bit different but i felt terrible that I did not know. Anyhow, I have not watched it again because it ripped me up, it was joyous to see her, to remember the day she wore that outfit, to remember how cute she looked and how special she felt making a movie at Susannah's house, but it just was so very sad for me. I am glad to have it...I worry too that I could want to watch it over and over, but mainly I just will keep it until my heart can handle watching it again. Artifacts of Eri.

While you go through this time of quiet Claudia, know that you are being held and loved and that I do not mean to interrupt the quiet, just wanted to make sure of you. (Perhaps you need a trip to Chicago. ) I know the rainy season must be hard to tolerate so I am praying for some extra sunshine your way. Be well my friend, all of my friends.

[wyomingsal]

I heard a small clip of someone talking on the radio this morning and all I heard was..."Grieve for your loss but don't get lost in your grief."  I thought Wow!  This must be talking just to me.  I have trouble sometimes with the second half of that phrase.  Getting lost in my grief.  I know that I have so much to live for and I thank God every day for my living children and my job and my Savior.  But I am still sometimes hit by waves of grief that blind me to the wonderful things I have here on Earth.  I never want to lose my faith and my joy and my thankfullness.   

Claudia,

I'm thinking of you and lifting you up in my prayers.  Even as time passes I think we will always have times of sadness and meloncholy.  God's peace and comfort upon you this week.

Sal

 

 

[ericasmom]

Thanks for that quote Sal, it is really a good one to keep in mind and you are right, we will always have times where we find ourselves very deeply grieving, even many years later, but it is normal to do so. NOt becoming lost is the harder part but I think something we all find ways to manage. WE find ways to step into the day hoping that we can live the very best life we can as our children would want/ some days are just harder than others.

Peace to you,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Claudia - I hear you.  It might seem not so serious to break a ceramic jug, but to those who travel this road, well it can be the trigger to unravel us beyond belief.

As for the video clip, well, Mike and his partner did a promotion DVD for a Scholarship fund in the November before he died.  They were kind enough to send us the unedited version.  First part was the footage shot at Melbourne University.  Its Mike, Amanda and Harmony.  The second was the 'audition' shot at our home.  I can see him, hear is voice and that smile........it makes not having him here even harder.  But it also has brilliant footage of him and his baby girl.....priceless.

Each time I have watched this my breath is caught and the tears flow.  But the hardest thing was in the audtion tape, Mike refers to 'not having much time to live'.  It rocked me to the core.  He was never terminally ill. All his medical problems were debiliating not life threatening.

This journey is like sailing a vast ocean.  The weather can change without warning and find us in a 'perfect storm' or sailing free on calm waters with sun above.  Sal's quote is true, it is important to grieve, but not get lost altogther in our grieving.

Take care all......Trudi

[daniellemom]

Claudia,

My prayers are with you and I trust your day will get better. May sun find you soon. I really don't don't know how you do it there with all the rain.

Dee,

Your words are so uplifting!!! Thanks for each word you type.

Trudi,

Glad too see you are back and I hope you are feeling stronger.

Prayers to all!!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[johnnysmama]

Claudia

I so relate to something so trivial bringing on such an uncotrollable wave-I keep reminding myself also that Johnny is happy and in paradise-but I miss him-those hugs and that smile...

 

Trudi

i love your visual of our journey like the ocean-the ocean brings me great peace and thinking of it that way made the ups and downs of my grief make more sense to me,now if it could only be less painful...

 

Dee

I think you need to write a book. Your way of expressing yourself always brings me comfort whether it was meant for me or not. I so relate to the family functions really bringing out our missing child-they define family and right now I am having trouble defining my new family without Johnny-sometimes I have to skip the function-too painful and its just easier right now

 

Sal

I am trying to not get lost in my grief sometimes i need though...its just so darn hard.

 

Thank you all for listening,

Peace, Kay

[ericasmom]

Sonya,what kindness in your words. I am glad to be able to lift with my words, I speak what I know...and I know life will unfold in gentler ways as you go along on this journey. I never sugar-coat however, it is never the same but none of us here find that difficult to believe. We have all been made realists if we were not already. There are worse things to be I think. We are all here for the next person and as sad as that is, we lay our tracks for those whose way is still too blinded with the shock that brought them here. And our kids bless us as we reach out.

Love,

Dee

[ericasmom]

Kay, the best part about this place is we gather in each other's hearts. Everything everyone says, whether directed to me or not, is food for my soul too. Most of what is said here is something each and everyone of us know or will know...we are dojoined then in our loss and in our healing, and in many instances, you are all the reasons why I can go out and feel the sun on my face. Bless you Kay,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Kay - I am a child of the earth, but the ocean is my solace.  Whether it be clear skies or thunder and lightening I am mesmerised by its movement.  The winds whisper, the rythmn of the waves rock me and I feel surrounded by energy........sadly I live in the hills.....

Dee - how true.  Each post while not personally noted to anyone in particular provides so much to all.  Many years ago when I was working at Peter Mac Cancer Institute I read a number of 'chicken soup for the soul' books.  I am in the process of formatting my journey since losing Mike story book of sorts.  It is filled with my posts, collections of many 'pieces' found by each one of us that has given us comfort.  It is my therapy....

Kathy - always in my thoughts.....take care of yourself....again, speak with the accountant....god only gives us what he believes we can handle....some days I think they 'ovecharge'.

 

[summergirl]

Bonie - I am so sorry that I missed your son's Angel date - my heart goes out to you and I pray that the sunshine finds a place in your world right now.

mamabets - thank you - Jessica is guiding me with Tavian I know but some days are just unbearable. Today Tavian told me he wants to go live with his mommy and Kaylie in Heaven and why can't we go there? How do you explain to a 6 year old the circle of life. I tried my best to help him to understand but we both ended up in tears as he just doesn't understand why we can't go - we could go fishing with them and camping and we could sleep in a house together there. I am at such at loss of what to say and the more his tears fell the more my heart shattered. I tried my best to be upbeat about it and told him that mommy is a happy angel and her heart is not broken anymore and she watches over everything we do and takes care of us and smiles when we are happy but he wasn't having any of that - he just wanted an answer and I ended up telling him to sleep and I would try to talk more about it with him tomorrow. So once again I need help from all on BI - I am lost without your words of comfort, wisdom and honesty - you are all my soul mates and am at a road block with this one.

I am weary tonight so will say goodnight and bless all of you for your love and understanding. Will there come a day when I do not need help??

Love to all - Kathy

[heathershope]

Dee...you have such a way with words.  You capture the emotion so well, like the clock...sometimes mocking us with it's slowness and other times time whizzes by.  I am in the whizzes by right now.  Two weeks away from one year and it seems like yesterday.  I remember when I countedthe hours, then the days and weeks, months...now I count years??? Heather has been gone 351 days, 9 hours and 47 minutes.  Somehow sounds less intimidating than one year.  How crazy is that? 

I have several vidie tapes of Heather.  I understand your inability to watch them.  I have watched some...but to see Heather so alive with all the expressions on her face and the inflection in her voice, her special phrases that we knew so well, to hear her laughter ring out...unbearably painful to watch.  I have a hard enough time sometimes with still photos but the "living" memories make me feel like I am dying inside to watch and not be able to have her with me.  That makes me sad because they are such great memories.  We have one where she's getting ready to go skydiving and the excitement on her face and in her voice is precious and priceless, but I feel like it is lost to me now and it shatters my soul to "see" what I have lost.  Maybe with time, but right now it hurts too, too much.

Well thank you to all for the beautiful thoughts and words of wisdom in the posts the last few days.  Although I did not respond to them all...I did read them.  I've been so busy.  I have to have surgery tomorrow and I wanted to get Heathers memorial in the paper and get her garden tilled so we could plant it soon and I had to gather and put in t-shirt orders for our team "Heathers Hope" for the relay for life we are walking in.   I wasn't sure how long I'd be laid up so I wanted it all done before I go in. I couldn't stand it if something got missed because I was unable to get to it later.

I will admit this on this site......I had a fleeting thought, almost a hope that maybe I would not survive surgery and I could be with Heather.  I quickly got hold of myself and reminded myself of the pain that would cause so many...but somehow it feels like a dirty little secret that I had to admit to someone, someone who wouldn't be hurt by it.  I hope I did not make anyone uncomfortable with that thought and I hope you all understand the context in which is was thought.  It's not a suicide wish as much as it is a weariness and a desire to just be at peace.

Thank you for listening.

Terri

[briansdad]

I found this and wanted all you Moms to see it for mothers day.

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear

A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit your stores to find a card

A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine

Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside

I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know

That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,

Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.

She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells

She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored, and remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best

I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me

Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity

[4everjoeysmom]

Terri--  So not uncomfortable...  I think it's natural to have those fleeting thoughts.  I have a very rewarding life journey with the work I do, but there are times when I still have those fleeting thoughts...like, is I were to get breast cancer down the road  (predisposed--both mom and maternal grandmother got it at ages 54)...  would I just want to let it go...  ick..  I know!  Horrible thoughts...  and I wouldn't want to suffer with that if I don't have to, but NORMAL thoughts.  Don't feel bad for fleeting now and then.

I'll be praying for you through the surgery and recovery.  Hugs, Claudia

Everyone esle, thanks so much for warm thoughts and words that helped to give me a lift today...