Loss of an Adult Child

[heathershope]

Dee.....funny that you said you hear the birds singing, it triggered my mind to remember what I had already forgotten.  This morning I woke up about an hour before my alarm went off to the most beautiful and loud chorus of birds singing outside my bedroom window.  I All I could think was "thank you Heather and good morning to you too."  I am having such a hard time as the one year fast approaches but when I heard those birds singing I still heard beauty and that was an indication that I still have it in me to recognize the positive and the beautiful.  It just started my day off right.  Heather knew I needed that. But I quickly forgot it as the daily grind began, and here you reminded me, so thank you.  Did you happen to have a little bird name Heather whisper that particular thought in your head while you were writing , I wonder!!!!.

I believe our kids are all interconnected now as are we.  They help us help each other I think. It is so often that something that is bothering me will be brought up by someone else just at the right time or a phrase that is posted will jog a memory that I need just when I need it. Or sometimes when I feel I have it worse than the rest of the world, something comes up like the horrible injustice done to Patricia and her family and it reminds me that there's always a little tougher or a little harder at times, but ultimately we are all in this and we all grieve just as much as the other and because of this we are never as alone as we sometimes might feel.  There's something else to be grateful for if I only take the time to remember to do it.  We deserve our downs for sure, but we all have to remember to get back up, there's reason to get back up even if it doesn't always feel like it.  Ramble, ramble, ramble...huh.  Sorry.  I almost heard my own violin music playing on that one .  I'll stop while hopefully you're all still awake.

Beautiful poem, Dee.

Terri

[summergirl]

Terri - I too believe all our children are interconnected. I also feel the same way about feeling something or thinking something and when I come onto BI someone has mentioned or talked about something I am feeling - I try hard to let my most inner feelings out on this site but sometimes find all the words in my head get lost when I try to express them here. I try hard to let all of you know how much I need you and cherish every moment I visit.  I am sorry that you are facing the one year Angel date - I have passed the two years, one month and four days and although it might sound terrible I almost wish I could go back to the one year - I hate that with each passing day I come to realize it's another day of no memories with Jessica, another day of not seeing her with Tavian, another day of not hugging her and I could go on and on with "another day without" but there are too many. It has gotten "softer" and I find that I smile, laugh and live a little more but there are still many days in between where I lose my breath or cry all day and nothing I do helps except coming here to talk.

God Bless each and every one of you - you are all so special in my heart. Kathy 

[simonsmam]

I also post on a British website for child loss of all ages and it just breaks my heart to read about all the children we have lost. It is so hard to believe that so many of us are out there suffering so much every single day. We are 23 months along this horrible journey and I can hardly believe that we have ‘survived’ almost two years without Simon. I still find it hard to believe that it has really happened.

I have noticed when reading the messages that although the circumstances of losing our children vary tremendously, the pain, anguish, despair, physical, emotional and mental symptoms we all experience are all the same. The one thing that is very different is the age of the child we have lost and the effect this has. I lost Simon at the age of 27 and could not imagine losing a young child who you cared for every day. No loss is greater than another. The heartache that follows just presents in different ways.

We are just about to go through some tough changes as a family. Simon’s wife has a new relationship and cannot live in the home they shared together. They worked so hard to build a beautiful home together and she can remember every conversation they had in each room as they worked to renovate the house. They only lived there for 10 months before he died but were together for 9 years. Some people have said that it is soon for her to start a new relationship but what space of time would be he right one. Life is too short and the worst has already happened. 

I remember telling her before Simon’s funeral that I would naturally be Simon’s only mother and that she would always be his only wife. At the time we were deciding where to bury him and she asked could she be buried there too. How can you tell the newly widowed 27 year wife of your son that you hope that she will one day have a happy family life like Stephen and I had for 32 years? She is too lovely and special to be on her own for the rest of her life. I have a very close relationship with her and have held her in my arms so many times as she breaks her heart, I know what she truly feels but at least she has found some happiness. Her new partner is one of Simon’s friends so he totally understands the situation. She does not bring him to our house or any family occasions. We are not ready for this yet but I will always be there for her. We as a family love her very much. It has caused her so much heartache to reach this decision and she has had many setbacks on the way, bless her.

My younger daughter has decided to buy Simon’s house as she needs a bigger home for her growing family. They as a family have a lot of emotions to deal with as they move in. We as his parents will always yearn for the family Simon never had in this home he so lovingly built. One bonus is they now only live 9 doors away. The big move is next Monday so everyone is busy packing and I am busy babysitting!!!

It kind of feels like we are losing Simon again but we are still holding on to a part of him too. Stephen did a lot of father/son work and decision making with Simon in this house and has his own special memories. We are beginning a new chapter in this new life that has been thrust upon us and I hope that our close family bond will see us through.

Take care and my love to you all

Avril xxx

[ericasmom]

Avril, I do think that your family will be able to hang on to the lovliest parts of Simon's heart and soul, I think you sound very strong, even when you don't feel you are, and it sounds as though the family works together through the heartache. I am rooting for you as you follow a new path, and I will be anxious to hear all about the move.

Kath, I love the worm photo, and the dog profile. I know the sadness of letting our pets go, Stormy and Bullet left together in October. We had those brother cats for 17 years, Stormy was Erica's and Bullet was JOn's. The doc came to our home and we held them while she gave them the shots. WE sobbed and told them to head straight to Eri, that she would be waiting. Iknow she was.

I am glad that I can be of any help, if I helped you remember the birds singing this morning Heather's Mom, well then I have had a great day. The birds hold magic for me. As a girl they were magical, thier language so expressive. The last night I spoke to Eri on the phone, just 30 minutes before she was hit, I listened to those birds and wrote a poem about their lovely song. I hope that each time you hear those songs, or that you are awakened by them, you know that Heather is taking care of you. She always will take care of you. One year is hard so please know we are all here, we all know of that particular measure of time and what it bares. My heart holds you as you get closer to it, and if I could, my arms would hug you too, you are in my prayers and thoughts, adn you are in the bird-song.

Love,

Dee

[johnnysmama]

Kathy

I am so sorry with your pain of letting Kaylie go. We lost Johnny's kitty Simba in January and he started sleeping with me when Johnny went in the army in 2006 so I always felt I was snuggling with johnny's kitty. Snuggling with him when he died...So sad i feel your pain.

 

Tavian is so sweet even with a worm!!!

Peace, Kay

[johnnysmama]

Dee

Beautiful blue sky poem I saw and felt Eri soaring with her beautiful big smile in the beautiful blue sky. Happy belated birthday and I know Eri was there-not with a boughten gift but with her gift of love for her Mom that loves her so much.

 

Peace, Kay

[ericasmom]

Bless you Kay, and I am so sorry for you to lose the cozy love of Simba. I want to know more about Johnny. I am afraid that I came back on to BI after you had talked all about him. If it isn't too painful, would you fill me in on the life and times of Johnny?

Thanks and peace right back at you,

Dee

PS glad you liked my poem, you are right, her big smile lights my way.

[daniellemom]

Dee,

The poem was so beautiful! I still hear the birds and the beautiful sky! Danielle and I looked at the sky a lot and would try to see different things in the clouds!! Such sweet memories!!

Kathy, - I hope Tavian is going fishing and catches a big one!!

Carol - Mike's Mom - I'm not sure I'm suppose to tell you this but last week I saw a young man that looked just like your Mike and guess what kind of car he was in yes a RED punch bug or VW. I just wanted to let you know that.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  Yes, the poem was really beautiful, thanks so much for sharing.  Like Sonya and Danielle, Mike and I used to look at the sky often and translate the cloud formations, especially on the way to the Red Sox games in Boston…it was an hour’s drive, and cloudy days always enhanced the drive.  Once, we saw a perfect cloud formation of the Red Sox “double sox” symbol…When I pointed it out to Mike, he gave me a "look," but when he looked at it, he had to smile.  Good memories.  

Sonya:  what a wonderful story!  Thanks so much for sharing…you’ve made my day!  And if anyone doubts the connection from this board and us to our kids, well, I think we all see/hear proof of it just about every day!

Avril:  I just know that Simon will bless your daughter’s living in his home…I can understand your feeling as though you are losing Simon again but still holding on to a part of him, re Simon’s wife and her new relationship and the house, but I think in the end it will be seen that Simon likely has been orchestrating this all along…

 Patricia:  I agree, the letter is perfect.  I do hope this all settles down and this man comes to understand that what he is doing is just wrong.

 Kathy:  love the pic of Tavian and the worm...

love and peace,

carol   mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Thanks Sonya and Carol, glad you liked the poem. Yes, the sky holds so many wonderful stories...the colors, the clouds, the shining orbiting objects...

The day that ERi died, the 14th of July 2003, we left the hospital surrounded by around 80 people/ and after being there for 6 days, Ifelt I was not able to leave the town just yet, I needed to spend the night in Kalamazoo. So my husband quick made reservations at a cheapy hotel and we went there. WE parked the car and walked across the parking lot to a restaurant of some sort. We hadn't had a real meal in 6 days, since ERi was hit, and it sounded like a good idea to eat. I was hungry, the smell of food lured me to a booth where I ordered soup and a burger...I remember thinking that I should not be enjoying the taste and smell of food, but I was. When we were about full John(husband) said, "oh my God, look at the sky!" It was bright pink, like magenta and pink mixed, a color I'd not seen often. IT was the sun set crossing the sky, we ran out to the parking lot and stood there in amazemet, because the color we saw was traveling through an object made by the clouds. It was clearly a figure of a girl, her hair zoomed out around her head, she had big feet and large hands, she was flying upward with arms akimbo, one of them almost touching the hand of an even larger formation of what looked to be a man, with hands outstretched to the girl. God and Eri? Or Grampa and ERi, who knows... I only know that I knew it to be Erica, even her nose looked like ERi's and the color started in her feet and it traveled through her legs into her upper body and out toward her arms and bled into the man whose hands she almost reached. I wept, and my husband, who is not a believer in magical or spiritual happenings also wept, saying, " it's eri, she is showing us that she is okay."

A moment later my cell phone rang and it was my two sisters and three nieces riding in a car back to Chicago from Kalamazoo Michigan. They were already in Indiana, and they were crying and yelling, " look at the sky Dee Dee, eri is in the sky..."

The message seemed clear, ERi was making sure that we knew, that we believed that she was free, that she saw where she was heading. I pray I never forget that time in the parking lot. We stood there weeping until the last bit of color left thesky and it was as dark as any night. But it wasn't any night, it was the first night my daughter left earth.

So many magical moments, even in our grief...messages and love wrapped up in varied and incredible ways from our babies.

May we always feel know of our connections.

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Eris' Mom, Dee, I love that story...just love it!  I am deeply moved...

Brian's Dad, Greg, --FINALLY!  I got to see the video you made, and WOW!  My husband and i watched it together and couldn't help but be a bit weepy.  All of our precious kids...  And I wanted to sy personally THANK YOU so much for including Joey.  I couldn't help but notice you used his "walking away" pic for the last frame.  So fitting..  "TILL WE MEET AGAIN..."  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU from the core of my very soul, THANK YOU!

I've been out of commission (internet/phone issues) for a few days.  Lots of catching up to do...  but thinking of you all, always, Claudia.

[johnnysmama]

Dear Dee

 

Thank you for asking about my son, johnny and his story. We never tire of telling it just living the ending.

 

Johnny was my firstborn, my only beautiful boy. He taught me how to be a Mom. He taught me what it was like to love someone so completely and unconditionally. He was a happy, go lucky boy without a care in the world and a great sense of humor. This worked well for him socially but as far as in school not so well. He did OK but had no interest in it. He played some sports but never found his true motivation until he turned 16 and started driving. He collected and raced his cars. He had more cars in his 6 years of driving then I have had my whole life. He tried college but barely showed up. Too interested in his cars and friends. When he was 20 his life hit bottom for him. Quit jobs, got his 3rd speeding ticket, drove on a suspended license and was put in jail for a night. Had to move back home. Couldn't drive his beloved cars. Lost his girlfriend. I never thought about it until now how hard that must have been to leave his 2 friends and his FREEDOM and move home.  I came home from work one day and he said he was joining the army. He scored well on the test and they offered him a big bonus(more cars he thought). Then he left for the longest period of time away from us(I thought then). Mind you this child never ran a mile before. He graduated, got in awesome shape and got back together with his girlfriend. He was moved to a base in El Paso, Texas and was moving up quickly as his sergent told us-he wasnt the physical star but put a computer in his hands...so he was being trained to work in the headquarters with the commanding officers.He became airborne and was to jump out of planes. He was engaged now. He was to move to Ft. Bragg, NC and I was going to retire early and we were all moving close to him. He wanted to start a family. He was to get married 2 months after he died.

Then he turned 21 and wanted a motorcycle. The one time I DIDN'T lecture him. He was doing so well and was soo happy. He bought it  and 2 weeks later he died on it.He wasn't speeding or being reckless. He was on a road that was 55mph and a semi truck was stopped and turning and Johnny tried to go around him-but there was a car next to him. He had no where to go but into the back of the truck. He was gone instantly-even with his helmet on which he promised me he would always wear. It has been 13 months and I still feel like most days that I died with him.  Sorry I tried to shorten his story but I couldn't. This is a rough journey I didn't buy a ticket on but at least I dont feel alone on this journey when I come here. I feel our kids bring us here as their gift to us to help us heal. You all have been a gift to me and have helped me move my feet when my legs feel like cement blocks.

Thanks for asking. Thanks for reading. Sorry everyone that it was so long.

Dee- I feel I have seen a picture of Eri's going to Heaven story. Was it on the internet at one point? Maybe it is just that the way you tell it I can see it-it is so beautiful and moving. It truly was her Angel Day.

Peace, Kay

[summergirl]

Avril - it is wonderful that your family is so close to each other. My little brother Billy passed away 6 years ago this past February 28th and his wife Carla said she would never find anyone again, she would remain alone with their 2 children forever but she did find someone and has been very happy with him for almost a year and now has found out that he has cancer and there is no hope so she is doing her best to help him through out this journey. My heart aches for her as she is young and has already lost her husband and now will lose someone she thought she could be happy with after suffering the loss of Billy. My parents were upset about her finding someone new and I tried to tell them that she has been alone for 5 years and Billy would not want her to spend her life alone, she deserves happiness. She too does not bring him to family functions as it upsets my parents - I wish they could see that she has been happy with this man and now will lose him too. She will always and forever love Billy and treasure their years together but as we all know - life goes on and we do what we have to do.  I am sure that Simon's wife is having a diffacult time with having found someone new, it feels like you are betraying the one who passed on but I truely hope she finds happiness, You sound like a strong family and I know that in time all will be well. God Bless you.

Dee - I am sorry about your cat's Stormy and Bullet - I know how you feel. The memory of the parking lot will forever and always be with you - we sometimes worry about "forgetting" things but I believe that special memories like the one you described stay with us forever.  You are such a gentle kind spirit and when you speak of Erie I feel as though I know her although I had never met her - does that sound strange? Sonetimes I feel as though I know all of the children on this site and I feel so blessed to have met everyone and to be able to share as we do.

Kay - I am sorry that you lost Simba - snuggling with a pet is a precious thing - I miss that with Kaylie - she always made me smile and when I would rub her tummy she always looked like she was smiling.

Sonya - yes tavian will be fishing soon - it is his most favorite thing to do - we had to buy a timer and toward the end of the day set it for 30 minutes so he would know that it was time to stop fishing and go home!! I will post a picture of his first fish he catches this year.

Carol - yes there is definitely a connection at this board and us to our children. Every time I come on this site I feel as though I have known all of you forever - it feels like family and I sometimes cry because although I hate how we have met I will be forever grateful for finding this place and seeing and hearing every day the connection we all have and our children have.

Good night to all and peace be with you.

Love the birds singing and the blue skies - the clouds that make shapes - Jessica and I used to lay on the beach and find shapes in the clouds!! How I miss so many things with her. 

[ericasmom]

Hey Kay,

Thanks for telling me about Johnny, it certainly filled in the gaps I had about you and your boy. You should never apologize for what you feel is a long story, it is an important story. It is the story of your lives and how they changed over time. The best part is that your Son was happy, he had seen his way through his hardest times, with the help and support of his family, and he felt hopeful and was looking forward. Thanks for sharing this story with me/us. I guess when you came on to this site, I was not on much and so missed your journey's start. As far as ERi's story and feeling like you have seen it, well I did probably tell this story several months ago, perhaps you are remembering it. Thanks, I am glad that you feel you could see her rising.

May you sleep with sweet thoughts and wake up knowing you are loved.

Dee

[ericasmom]

Kathy, I do not think it is weird at all that you feel you know Erica, I think that she shines out of me the same way that your girl does you, and all the kids do from the people at this site. I think that our angels have allowed us the ability to see beyond our words, that we have another sense born into us through their loss...an insight, a view in which we take in all of the factors and see them through each other's hearts. I too feel that I have come to know you and Jessica, I can almost hear the laughter you shared. The same is true for all of those that post these days, the pictures have truly helped this to strengthen. I think that we all share the true essence of our children here, and I would say that I share more deeply here than almost anywhere. It is with all of you that my heart is completely unafraid, fully trusting. How special this is.

Claudia, thanks for your kind words. I am so glad that you were able to view the video. Powerful stuff to be sure.

Sleep well,

Dee

[bigmikesmom]

Dee,

What a beautiful story. I cried reading it but not tears of sadness but the story just overwhelmed me. That sky and the picture of Eri and the man. It is so inspiring and that your family members so it too! am so happy for you to have had that experience.

Kay,

I did not know the story of Jonny but it too affected me deeply. My older son, Matt bought a motorcycle right before Mike's accident. After the accident he asked me if I wanted him to sell it. I ,of course, wanted to say yes, but I knew how much he enjoyed it (and it's the only thing he enjoys now) and I said , we will talk about it later.

The trial was supposed to start tomorrow but it has been postponed again till Aug 6. The prosecutor was upset and apologized to my husband, he went to see him at work, He had forgot to tell the defense lawyer that their was a video of the time after the accident. Oh well, I cried when I found out, as did Matt but I have to let it go.

Patti-BigMikesMom

[antspop]

Greg,

I'm truly speechless.  What a beautiful way to honor your son and many of the other sons and daughters.  I've been away for quite some time.  I'm usually on the "Loss of a Teenager" page.  I was just sitting in my office and was thinking about all the wonderful parents that are on BI and how I missed the support we all give to each other.  My 16 year old son died about 8 months ago.  His name is Anthony.  I call him Ant.  Sometimes I "think" I'm doing ok and other times I know I'm not.  Sometimes I feel so cheated.  I know it sounds selfish, but I'll never know what kind of man Ant would have been.  I'll never meet his "true love" or the kids they would've had.  I'll never get the call that he and his wife had a son and they named him after me.  I miss him so much.  I have to believe he's in paradise now and that we all will be together again someday, but why weren't we given more time with our children?  Why is it always the good ones to go first?  Why can't the good ones stay and make this world a better place?  I guess we'll never know.  Sorry for going on and on.  Thanks for listening.  Peace and Love to you.  John

[wyomingsal]

John,

I post on this adult thread alot also because it is more active.  There are also alot of amazing wonderful grieving parents here that give as much support as they can. 

I understand about doing well some days and not others.  That is about where I am....up and down.  Some days thinking I am going to be ok and other days missing and longing for my boy with every fiber of my being. 

I went to a funeral for a co-workers Daddy.  Many thoughts and feelings.  This man died after a long and courgageous battle with cancer.  He fought so long and hard.  I thought of many of you who lost your children to cancer.  So much more empathy with the family even though the loss of an older father just doesn't fully compare with the loss of a precious son or daughter.  The hurt and confusion of the grandkids faces told me it was their first brush with death.  I know how much it hurts.  I had to go visit my Joshua's grave site after and just cry for awhile.  

I hope everyone has a restful and peacful day today.  May gentle memories make us smile and if we need to cry and miss our children let us find some release from the pain along with the tears.  I haven't written much lately....but I have been reading and thinking about each of you alot. 

Sal

[ericasmom]

Dear John and Sal,

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, so many people have recent losses and my heart aches for you. The roller-coaster feelings you are both experiencing are quite common, and eventually it will become a bit more predictable. I hope that you will both continue here on this site, the age of your sons less the issue than the feeling you receive from being here. IF this is the place that helps you most, then by all means stay with us.

John, Ant looks to be the kind of young man that brought you many joys. It is hard to fathom how he could be gone? I still some days struggle with that reality...how could she be gone, she had so much life? I agree that he is somewhere perfect as well, a place where he is out of pain, no more worries. How did your boy die John?

I will say one thing that I did at around the 6 month mark in this journey is, I went to therapy. Idid not want to do a group thing except with you guys, and joined here at around 6 months also, but I did go to a private therapist and stayed for a couple of years. I really found ways to use my weekly time to explore all of the issues surrounding grief, the guilt, the ache, the anger, the helpless sense of things, the fear for our loved ones, all of this and more. I stopped going after the 2 year mark and returned a year later for some up-keep when I went through some PTSD following the death of another young lady that ERi knew most of her life. so do what helps you most, I know therapy is not for everyone.

Pattie, I know how disappointed you all must be when the court appointment was delayed. OUrs certainly slammed me each time, so just rest today and figure that perhaps a better outcome will occur and the stars and moon will align better in your favor come August.

Peace,

Dee

[heathershope]

I am feeling very down myself today but I met a woman last night who lost her daughter two weeks ago.  I think back to the raw pain of that time and I just ache for her.  Although in a way she is lucky because she was with her daughter up until two weeks ago, which I would love to be able to say, but...I would not want to begin this painful journey over.  She was saying how awful this is and when will it get better.  I tried to be as compassionate as possible while still being honest and tell her that she hasn't even begun to feel the entire impact yet.  She is still to numb.  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I couldn't lie. But I felt so awful. For her, for me, for all of us.  Did I do the right thing in being honest?  I hope so...sometimes it's hard to know what to say even having been through it.  Gotta run.  My Granddaughter just climbed up in my lap and needs some attention.  Best reason I can think of to cut this short.

Terri

[4everjoeysmom]

Terri, oftentimes honesty isn't the easy road, but we can be honest with compassion, which I believe you were.  It would be next to impossible if that mother didnt see a genuine pain in your own eyes, and in that find some kind of connection for Hope.  Yes it will get worse for her before it gets a little easier to breathe.  But in seeing you there before her, surviving, that's one of the best images of hope you could have offered in the moment.  Blessings for comfort and strength, Claudia

[johnnysmama]

Patti

Thank you for your kind words. It sounds like your Matt is struggling with his grief for the loss of his brother, Mike. I have read somewhere that siblings are the forgotten grievers. The loss of a child is sooo hard on everyone. I am so sorry for all of you. I am also sorry about the postponement of the trial. I don't know how you are holding up and for that matter many of the parents here when you have to deal with going to court too on top of the deep grief. Bless you all-my heart breaks for the added trauma you are dealing with.

 

Peace, Kay

[johnnysmama]

JOHN

I am glad you came back and shared your very handsome son. He looks like he was very fun loving. I love that you call him Ant. Take care and I lost my son 13 months ago and really understand the rollercoaster ride of emotions. Its because we love them sooo much.

Take care and share more about your son, Ant.

Peace, Kay

[daveydow1]

Kay,

Thanks for telling your son's story. Now I feel like I know you better. I am

so sorry for your loss. As someone said---this is a crazy ride of up one minute,

and down the next---a place no one ever wants to be. Your son sounds like

a very likeable person, and so nice looking. How old was he when he passed?

My son, Davey, was 31 and single when he was killed by a semi truck driver

sleeping at the wheel, crashing into 7 cars at a speed of 55 m.p.h. (Jun. ' 03).  The

cars were all stopped (being backed up onto the freeway at a busy exit).  My son

took the brunt of the crash, many were hurt with minor injuries---my son was

the only one who died.  The car immediately in front of Davey had a family with

several small children in the car.  I hope you are able to find some sort of comfort

here at BI.  It has been a lifeline for me.  Peace be with you always.

                                          Daveysmom,     Sherry

[johnnysmama]

Terri

I agree with Claudia on the point of showing this other Mom new to this journey that you will survive. I also wish I would have had someone that understood my feelings to talk to right away so I would know what I was going thru was "normal".

 

By the way, your daughter's picture in the red dress is darling.

 

Peace, Kay

[summergirl]

Dee - thank you for your words - once again you make me feel peace in my heart. I share here more than anywhere else, I talk freely and without holding back as I connect here and trust all who walk this journey. All our children shine out when I am here, I can feel them. Where else in the world can one go when they are faced with what we all have faced - losing a child. I do go to therapy and it is good for me, there are days when I laugh and days when I cry and my therapist is like a friend but I still talk more here then with her. I feel as though we are all friends and that I have known all of you a life time. God Bless you my friend.

John - I am so sorry about your son. Eight months is a short time so don't put too much on yourself. One minute at a time is how we survive. I lost my 26 year old daughter 2 years, 1 month and 5 days ago and I am still here breathing, living and it has gotten softer but never better or easier. I hope that you feel comfortable posting here - the people here are wonderful, understanding and I have found such strength from all that are on BI. Walk with us if you would like and we will all be here. I do not know why the good ones go - why there are so many out there who do awful things and keep on living and we have lost truely wonderful, lovable children but I do not ask why anymore as there is no one who can answer the question for me so I try not to dwell on the whys (some days it is hard) and I try to focus on keeping my daughters memory alive which I do through this site. I hope you find some peace and hope we continue to hear from you.

Teri - I believe you did the right thing by being honest - compassion and honesty are what we all need no matter how much it hurts - you were once standing where this woman now stands and I think it is wonderful if you can help her and guide her if you can - but being honest is the only way to truely help. Just my thoughts.

Trudi - where are you my friend - I miss you and your wonderful strength and wisdom? I need to have a cup of coffee and a good talk - miss you.

Bless everyone and hope this night finds some peace and hope - Kathy

[johnnysmama]

Thank you Sherry for your kind words and support. Your Davey is so handsome with a million dollar smile. I cried with your story about his accident. You must often wonder why him? Someday we will know I guess. Johnny was 21. Both kids too young-all our kids too young and just not right to go before us.

Thank you for listening and reading Johnny's story. Everyone here is so supportive and unconditional with your love. You are one of my lifelines right now as my parents have only called once in the last 13 months and my siblings don't call either. I am not angry at them anymore. I am just so lonely. Lonely and sad for now.

 

Peace, Kay

[ericasmom]

So much heart here, so full and bursting with the love of our kids and the love of each other, soulmates on this journey. I am deeply impressed with the ways everyone is able to share their children here, our kids are so happy that we have joined up in thier memory, in our losses, in our pride for them.

I have to go to meetings all day about ways to make schools better, and while I am in there I will think of all the ways children need the adults in thier lives to look at all situations from every point of view possible to make it all work better. I will do my personal best to improve the lives of those I am with each day in light of our children.

Love you all,

Dee

PS. I do believe being honest about grief with the new loss for the momma is important and I agree with Kay that having someone just ahead of you in it could be the saving grace for her. No lies or softening are necessary, it will unfold as it does and must.

Kay, I am sorry for your loneliness, I understand though I have great sisters, mom and dad disowned me when Eri was born for a ton of old ugly reasons and mom died the year before ERi, the DEVIL lives on of course, having hurt so many people in his long and destructive life. Go figure.

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Dee, Thanks for that sepcial note.  It feels good to be affecting lives with change for the better, doesn't it?  That truly is part of my healing journey--making the difference.

On your note about the devil--I don't give satan that much creedence.  He doesn't deserve it.  Besides victory is already claimed at Calvary.  The journey and waiting for it all to flush out is the hard part, and where most lose faith.  But I believe the God of all justice reigns and one day everything will make perfect sense, even the pain.  Until then I just try to stay focused on heaven, because it must be more beautiful than here...  our kids are there.   Love and hugs, Claudia

[kalimac]

Hi all, first I wanted to thank briansdad for including my sons picture in his video . . loved the song and watching the pictures all float by . . so sweet.

To Terri about the woman who lost her daughter a few weeks ago. You did the right thing just by being there for her . . and I  don't think the truth hurts worse or better . .it is just the truth. I am the member of a group of parents and caregivers who are all dealing with the same type of abdominal cancer my son died from . . in the last three years less than ten of these patients still survive. So, our community deals with loss of these kids on pretty much a monthly basis. A 14 year old boy just died last week after battling about 18 months . . a young husband passed a few weeks ago . . just on and on . . there are at least four that I am very concerned about right now. The only thing that we can do is offer out support to the people left behind. We also have a few in the group who have chosen to do no treatment and are facing death . . and they are so, so young.  I speak with many of these people and feel their loss and sometimes feel the hopelessness . . there is no cure for this type of cancer. It is devastating. Anyway this long post is because sometimes we take risks when we reach out to people . . we don't know if it is 'right' or 'wrong' . . I know because at least one of the young people I reached out to rejected all support. And so you leave them alone, but at least they know if they ever need you, you will be there. I think your instincts were right, Terri . . and now, just be there for her when the numbness begins to wear off.

Sending out much peace and comfort to each of you,

Patty R

Mom to Nathan

Lost to cancer

11.13.87 - 2.11.08

[judy20]

It has been about 4 months since I,ve been here and I love that everyone is shring pics. I also want to say how sorry to all the new mom and dads.I started my life sentence 12/9/06,when my only child,Tony,suddenly died of heart disease. He was 41.It,s been a rough month since he should have turned43 on the 14th. I still cry every day,but I,m still here,so for whatever reason,I,ll have to wait my turn to be with him again.

                            Judy

[bigmikesmom]

Hi Everyone,

I want to share this poem I found. I changed some words to make it apply to me. I am thinking of using a part of it as part of my victims impact statement. It is called:

              Losing a Piece of Me

               by Tammie Thompson

Imagine someone has opened your chest with clawed hands,

grabbed your heart in a crushing grip and torn it from your body.

      But you do not die. You remain alive, in agony.

             Agony that will continue for days,

                     weeks, months, years.

 This is what it feels like when your child dies.

     This is how I felt when Mike died.

           age 20 years, 4months and 7 days.

 To hold the limp body of my precious child in my arms

   and feel his emptiness was pain that defies words.

         I sat cradling my beautiful child, knowing that I

              would never again see his smile,

                   hear his laugh

             or feel his hand clinging to mine.

I would never again hold his warm body close and

    breathe in the scent of his hair. I would never

know the person he would have grown up to be.

 I walked from the ambulance knowing that I had seen

     and held my child for the last time ever.

      

        I wondered why I still live.

  and how I was supposed to keep going.

I wanted to die, I wasn't suicidal-it's just thst

   the only way to end my pain was death.

and I ached to hold him in my arms again.

        Never again will I feel "whole"

My whole future is flavored by the loss of my son.

     A part of me went with him,

      and a gaping hole exists that his warm

               presence once filled.

I asked questions that no one could answer.

             Why did he die?

            Why not me instead?

   DEATH HAS STRUCK CLOSE TO ME ONCE-

          What if it happens again?

          What do I do now?

          How will I manage?

          Why am I still here?

I rode an emotional roller coaster.

One moment I felt I was managing well-

   the next I was curled up in a corner

pleading with God to take me, right now.

I went for long periods where I did well and thought,

    " Okay,I have accepted it."

Then out of the blue, it hit me anew-

      He's dead. God he's really dead"

    And I began a new round of grieving.

(This is where I will end it, this is where I am at, I will continue the poem for others who are beyond this stage where I hope to be someday)

 Gradually, I found that the lows

weren't quite as low as the previous ones.

      and that I rose from them quicker.

Then just when I thought I was cruising on a level piece of track,

       it dropped out from under me yet again.

    

I did this over and over,

but living with it gradually became easier.

and I even found that I could have a "normal" life again,

although it was a new normality.

       I will never forget Mike.

He will live forever in my heart

    and in my memories.

Death makes him no less a part of our family.

    Living with the fact that my child has died

           does not mean forgetting.

It means knowing and accepting that he is gone,

  but still holding close those precious memories.

   It means that my love for him does not change,

     but that I don't allow my grief for his death

             to over-rule my life forever.

 It's about remembering that Mike would not expect

       nor want me to spend the rest of my life

                           in misery.

My new normality is not necessarily an unhappy one.

Mike's life and death is part of what makes me who I am.

   It has had an immense impact on the way I look at life,

       and although I wish he was still here,

        I know that I have grown from my experience.

 As I write this, it's the 16th of July,2007

           Mike's 21st birthday.

    I wonder what he would look like now,

and imagine him "chillin with his brother",

even as I sit here writing about his death.

We tend to celebrate his birthday rather than his death-day.

To us it's more important that he was born than that he died.

        We choose to celebrate his life,

            not his death.

        It means more to us

           that he was here

                   than that he left.

                 Remember ?

                  Always.

                     Love?

                       Eternally.

                  Forget?

                   Never.

I am sorry I took up so much space but I thought everyone would relate to this.

I do want to acknowledge that the author's son's name is Dale ,he was 2 years old

where I put ambulance it shoud say "room" Dale was 6 yrs old on dec 30, 1998 when this poem was written. Where I put "chillin" it should say "playing"

I also eliminated a paragraph that goes right before the paragraph that starts with his birthday it reads as follows,

 Dale's official date of death is the 2nd of January, 1995

            the day he was taken off life support,

    but I tend to think of the real date of his death

         as the 31st of Dec,1994,

  the day he drowned.

Even though his heart had been started again,

                   he was gone.

I wanted to give full acknowledgement to the author of this truthful,gut-wrenching poem Tammie Thompson and I hope she doesn't mind that I adapted the words to fit my Mike.

Patti-BigMike'sMom

[bigmikesmom]

Judy,

I am so sorry for your loss.I was posting this poem when you were writing. What a handsome man your son is.God Bless you, We are very close on our journey. My Mike was killed in a car accident nov 23, 2006-Thanksgiving day. He was 20 yrs old.

Patti-BigMike'sMom

[ericasmom]

Hi all,

Patti, I think the poem is gorgeous and I appreciate that you not only adapted it to your loss, your beautiful Son, but that you let us know about the little one that it was originally written for. My heart to you as I know how hard to hold your child knowing it is the last time.

Judy, your Boy so handsome, I hope you will feel comfy here and post whenever, it is the friendliest stop in town. I am sorry for the pain in your life, but I am happy for the wonderful Son you speak of. Bless you both.

Pattie, there is something so special about Nathan. There is a peacefulness about your Boy, every time I see a photo of him, my eyes immediately fill, something very spiritual about Nathan. As though I am seeing an angel, and he smiled into the camera holding his dog knowing his prognosis, helping others deal with it it seems. Beautiful Boy.

Claudia, I hope you didn't think I meant the DEVil had anything to do with our kids being gone...I meant that as a metaphor to my Father who is a very icky-sick person. I have called him the DEVIL for a long time, and though he has come close to death on many occassions, he just keeps surviving and in his wake he leaves molested children and broken hearts. He is my dad, not the Satan from the Bible. I was writing in a big old hurry having to get to meetings, so as I reread what I wrote, I see that I was quite unclear. To Kay, I meant to say that I was sorry that she was lonely, and I get it, though I do have the support of great sisters, I was let go of by my parents when ERi was born. Anyhow, sorry if I was a bit out-there on that one.

Peace All

[shuugar]

Brian's Dad

What a wonderful  video!!

I tried to post pic's of my son but was unable to .

Can't figure out how!

Maybe next time!

[summergirl]

Patti - the poem is beautiful and I love how you changed it to fit your son and also the sad story of the child it was written for originally. I love poems and have written some in my lifetime but although I want to write one for Jessica I have to yet to find all the words - I know it will happen one day.

Dee - I am sorry about your parents - to be disowned by ones family is heart wrenching but in your case (forgive me if I am wrong) it seems to be a blessing although a sad one. Their truely are "devil's" out there in this world and sadly they are somtimes those we know and wish we didn't. What a terrible loss for them to never having got to know your Eri. Tavian's father has not seen him since his birthday Feb 11th - I am glad as there is no love lost between us - he was never a father to him and yet the day will come when he will want to be a part of Tavian's life and Tavian is not going to want anything to do with him - we do not speak of his dad and we never say anything bad about him as we know that Tavian will figure it out for himself.

To all - the other day as Tavian was getting ready to go across the driveway to visit his friend I said " you know the rule, I am right here on the deck and I can see you so you cannot go anywhere without "mommy" seeing you" - I suddenly realized my mistake and said "mi-mi can see you" and he said "it's ok if you say mommy, I can be your son" and then he said "I love you mommy" and smiled at me!!!! As he was next door playing I was on my deck crying as I felt as though I was betraying my Jessica, I am not Tavian's mommy and I kept telling her I was sorry. A part of me understands his need to say "mommy" and my therapist has said he may start calling me mommy, but I am in such conflict about it - what do you think?? Should I just go with the flow and know that he really knows I am not mommy or should I talk to him?? I need some help on this one as it has been happening more frequently these past couple of weeks.   Thanks for listening - love and hugs to all - Kathy

[johnnysmama]

Kathy

I think you should let tavian call you Mommy. He has 2 mommies-mommy Jessica and mommy mimi. Many children have 2 mommies and different forms (step mom, birth mom, mom in law, etc). You are feeling a little aprehensive I think because you don't want to take her place as his mommy. He has plenty of love to give to you both. Jessica wouldnt have it any other way-she would pick the best Mom she knows besides herself for her little angel and that would be you.

 

Dee- I am so sorry about your parents. I am sorry for them that they would let such a beautiful person such as you slip from their life and then miss out on Eri. What they missed.  From what you said about your Dad maybe it is better for you and Eri. What a strong, resilient soul you are. I knew it by your writing but know it now for sure.

 

Peace, Kay

 

[johnnysmama]

Patti

I replied and I dont know what happened to my post,sorry. Your poem is beautiful and I think it was beautiful how you made it personal to you and Mike. My husband wrote a poem depicting Johnnys last day(what he thought it was like for him). I have found it comforting. I have found songs and things I read to bring me some comfort as I often cant put into words how I feel.  It is all so painful. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Peace, Kay

[mikesmum]

Patti - the names change, some of the details too, but the pain, the loss and journey are so much the same.  Thank you for adapting those words. 

Kathy - Long time I know, but the abyss has such a hold lately.    For Tavian to call you mommy is not to betray Jessica, but to let you know that with all he has gone through in his short life, he is finally comfortable, feels safe and secure.  I know how your heart breaks at the thought of Jessica not being with her son.  Through you she is still in his life and will always be his mommy.  The coffee is poured, today I think on the deck, overlooking the mountains....can't venture too far from home lately.

Take Care - Trudi

[daniellemom]

Dee,

How very sad your parents missed out on such a wonderful person as your self with such a giving heart and sprirt! I think Erica was the same sort of person you are. So sad when people miss out on the good things when they are set in their ways. I see this has not stopped you from loving probably more uncondionally in your life! Thanks again for you post they bring comfort to my broken heart.

Patty R - What a wonderful son Nathan must have been so brave!

Kathy - Jessica is smiling you know as a mother you want the very best for your children and everyone needs a mama, so you have been chosen! How wonderful and Jessica would not have it any other way!

Trudi - I'm glad to see you back.

Kay - When I see Johnny's picture well, just what a beautiful smile and handsome he is.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  I echo Sonya's words.  So sad that people miss out on so much when they are stubborn.  My and my husband's families of origin had some of those traits, and my husband and I promised that we would not fall prey to that.  My own two brothers didn’t speak to each other for over three years, and finally my older brother just said “we can’t do this to each other and to our families any longer.” and they got back together.  Very fortunate, because my younger brother died very unexpectedly 8 years later, and my older brother is so glad to have had those years of closeness.  As Sonya said, it seems that your parents missed out on a lot of love and kindness from both yourself and your beautiful Eri.  Also, I dearly love the story of Eri’s rising into the colors of the sunset…a wonderful memory. 

 Kathy:  I agree with everyone here…Jessica is smiling on both of you, and if you do have concerns about his calling you  “mommy” perhaps you could ask him to call you “mummy” instead.  Though, as I said, I agree with everyone else, that Tavian’s calling you mommy is not going to erase Jessica from his mind or his heart.   Go with your heart, or better yet, let Tavian go with his.  

Trudi:  so sorry to hear that you’ve been down again.  Likely all the upset and anticipation of the trial had you on an emotional tailspin and now you are recovering.  Please know that we are thinking of you and  sending strength your way.

Judy:  I am also so very sorry for the loss of your precious son, Tony.  Tony passed just shy of two months after we lost our only son, Mike, at the age of 31, to brain cancer.   Going through that first birthday without our precious child….such mixed emotions and so heartbreaking.  I send you hugs and prayers as you continue on this journey.

John:  I read your post about your sweet son “Ant.”  He sounds like a heck of kid…and we all can understand your pain of missing him so much.  Please know that you are completely understood by all here and we all send hugs and comfort.  

Patty, your strength in continuing to help others who are dealing with the same illness that your Nathan battled is something that is just wonderful.  I am intending to get into something similar as soon as we are settled with this selling of our house and moving into the new one.  It is heartbreaking, but I know that it is rewarding also to know that you are contributing somehow.

Kay:  thank you so much for sharing the story of your precious son, Johnny.  It can be hard to write it all out, but sometimes it can help with healing, as well.  I do hope this was the case for you...

Patti---bigmikesmom---thank you for sharing your poem and the adaptations you made.  It truly rings in all of our hearts and the statement “We choose to celebrate his life,

                                                not his death.

                                                  It means more to us

                                                  that he was here

                                                than that he left.”

rings loudly in my heart right now..   The stone that we’ve had done for Mike has finally been finished, and we are planning to place it in the next couple of weeks.  We will be putting some of his ashes beneath it, and then we will have a short ceremony, that will be followed by a luncheon where we will try very hard to celebrate the wonderful life and legacies that he left behind.  It will be difficult, but we also want to “celebrate his life” more than his death, especially for his children.  They need to know and be encouraged to remember more about their daddy’s life than his death.  

 I would like to post a picture of the stone, and the explanation for the words and the picture.   The picture is of him in a hammock in Costa Rica, when he was a senior in high school.  He wrote in his journal about those moments when the picture was taken:

“"...It's an hour before dinner. I've once more been to the waterfalls. I am lying in the almost-dark, in a hammock on our secluded side porch. Lying here, I feel like an English explorer, back from a day of categorizing species of plants, animals, and insects that the world has never seen. Slowly rocking back and forth, I hear the bird, cricket, and frog erupt into a spontaneous explosion of mating calls, nesting signals, or just letting their presence be known. In the kitchen, the local chefs prepare dinner. I am the only non-adult here. It's not that I'm seeking seclusion, although I've certainly welcomed it when it's here. I feel that I've already done my self-discoveries and other-person discoveries, and that now I just want to enjoy what it is we have here.”  (And, of course, he is now truly enjoying “what it is we have here” as he lives out his eternal life….)

The words at the bottom of the stone “earth-bound no more” refer to a journal entry a few years later, as he made his way across the United States and was coming into the land of the Grand Canyon---coming over a hill in the middle of the night, he saw the wide expanse of fields and the hills in the distance, with the huge sky above him, millions of stars, shining against the black of night, he wrote:

“I must have looked a fool, with my head hanging out the window, the wind blowing in my face, and like a small child I was in awe of the size of the hills in front of me, how vast and black the sky was, filled with millions of stars…a wide, wide universe stretched out before me…serving to remind me of how truly earthbound we are.”

As are all of our children, Mike is “earthbound no more,” and all of their wonderful spirits guide us and comfort us as we travel on this journey that leads us back to them…when the time is right for each of us. 

I hope you all understand and forgive me for this lengthy post…I just wanted to share in the completion of Mike’s memorial stone and I know that no one in my physical world understands that need more than all of you and I truly thank you for that.

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

 http://james.michael-virtual.memorials.com

 

(The stone is actually a shiny black, with silver-grey lettering, and the picture of Mike is lasered onto the stone. )

[daniellemom]

Carol,

Beautiful words and a beautiful stone!

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I do hope that you are being extra kind to yourself right now, just as your child would have you...the disappointments in this process are exhausting and while they feel and look like set-backs, they are not, they are reactions to the life we are leading. We get surprised by our reactions, because we have no idea how it will feel with each new slap in the face or with each new mark of time. so be very kind to yourself, the way you would want others to be in your shoes.

Thanks to all that have made such kind remarks about my Parent thing. My Dad was told not to show up at my daughter's funeral, I did not want him there, he did nto know her in life, and so he did not belong there in her death. My Dad and Mom missed out on my adult years as well as my son Jon's whole life and ERi's whole life. He is a socio-path, a pedophile and simply a bad person. HE made it hard to grow up with any sense of goodness, but I fought hard I guess, and learned eventually that I was strong, and that I needed to be my own caretaker. Life unfolds in amazing ways and not always predictable or favorable, but if we still hang onto the fact that there is more good than bad in the world, I think that we are blessed with a broader view, better possibilities.

My heart to all of you here, for all you have done to step into each day to honor your kids, and for all the ways you support your fellow journey-walkers.

Dee

[ericasmom]

carol, that stone and the words are beautiful. Thanks for sharing this with us. The memorial will be lovely, and I bet you will feel his love and care all around you.

Bless you and his whole family, and bless him.

[briansdad]

I found this in all my things I've saved since I lost Brian.I guess I liked it.

Last night while I was trying to sleep,

My son's voice I did hear.

I opened my eyes and looked around

But he did not appear.

He said, "Mom you've got to listen,

You've got to understand.

God didn't take me from you, Mom

He only took my hand.

When I called out in pain that night,

The instant that I died,

He reached down and took my hand,

And pulled me to His side.

He pulled me up and saved me

From the misery and pain

My body was hurt so badly inside,

I could never be the same.

My search is really over now,

I've found happiness within,

All the answers to my empty dreams

And all that might have been.

I love you and miss you so,

And I'll always be nearby.

My body's gone forever,

But my spirit will never die!

And so, you must go now,

Live one day at a time.

Just understand

God did not take me from you,

He only took my hand. 

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol, I LOVE the stone!  And I LOVE the journal entries you shared.  I found myself envisioning Mike just as he described so vivdly as he enoyed those moments.  How very cool.

Kathy, Please don;t feel guilty for Tavian's need to say MOMMY, and don;t feel bad for stepping into that role.  Yes Jessica will always be his mommy.  BUT THANK GOD FOR YOU!!  Thank God Tavian has you.  I have a couple of friends my age that were raised by their grandmother, and they call her mama.  It's a natural thing.  You are not betraying Jessica or her memory.  You are being EXACTLY what she would expect of you under the circumstances.  Honest!  Go with the flow and know that a quite profound step in healing is taking place between you and precious Tavian.

Patti, LOVE the POEM!!!  Thanks so much for sharing that...

Trudi, so sorry for the dreaded calling of the abyss.  I'm glad to see your post and hope that's a sign of returning strength.  Sending thoughts and prayers your way, Claudia

 

[johnnysmama]

Carol

Thank you for sharing Mike's stone with us. He was quite a good writer. I could really visualize him and what he was thinking laying there. Made me want to be with him hearing the insects. It sounds like you will have a beautiful memorial of his life. His stone is beautiful and the picture is perfect.

Thank you for reading Johnny's story and for your listening and support. Everyone here is so gentle and caring.

 Peace, kay

[johnnysmama]

Sonya

Thank you for the kind words about Johnny. He did have a great smile and a very silly, funny personality. Easy to be around. i miss that so much. We are trying to want to plan to do some type of family vacation as we have so many fond memories from the past-I think you posted about planning one too. It is hard to want to go knowing he won't be there. We feel the need to go to work on what is left of our family with Johnnys two sisters. Hard to have my heart in it. Miss him sooo much.

 

Greg

Again, you have such a meaningful contribution. What would we do without you here? I like the last line the best. You are the best. Thank you for sharing all your heartfelt poems, songs, videos. Music and words when I can concentrate are very healing for me.So again, thank you.

 

Peace, Kay

[wyomingsal]

So many beautiful posts, poems, and pics.  I am so amazed at the beauty that comes out of the hurt and grief.   I know each of us would trade in moment to have our beautiful children back if we had a choice...but to see how all of you have turned this horror into beauty and love and strength is truly wonderful.  Blessings to each of you my companions in grief.

Sal

[daveydow1]

For Kay,

Thanks for your kind words. I know what you mean about people--even

relatives-- that don't call or visit. Many times people are thinking more about

how we effect THEM---"Their" comfort zone.  I try not to talk much about Davey

to my relatives. They are not indifferent to my sorrow, but I feel some of them

 are relieved that I do not bring my son's name up, so I don't. It's unfortunate

and hurtful for you, that your parents and siblings do not keep in touch. Living

with grief after the death of a child can be a long, lonely road to travel.  Here at

BI, everyone knows, firsthand, the disbelief, tears, pain and all the many other

emotions that keep us on a roller coaster. Everyone wants only to help, in some

small way, to make the day a little lighter. After all, this is as you say, a matter

of living from day to day.  Your memories of dear, sweet Johnny will always be

with you.  Take care, and  Peace be with you.

                                          Daveysmom,    Sherry