Loss of an Adult Child

[4everjoeysmom]

Joey

[heartbeataway]

Jason

[mikesmum]

Micheal

[kalimac]

    Nathan

[wyomingsal]

Joshua

[loveyoujustin]

Hi Greg, can't wait to see.  This is one of Justin.  Good night all.  Love, Trish

[johnnysmama]

Such beautiful faces, so overwhelming...

 

 

Johnny

 

 

[mylukasmyheart]

Lukas

 

[daniellemom]

Danielle

[daniellemom]

Everyone,

I enjoyed all the pictures.  I really feel I know all your children and I talk about them to my family.  So people who never meet your children know know them and I'm praying for each one of you.

Brians Dad,

I can't wait to see what you are going to do!

 

[ericasmom]

OH Everyone,

what beautiful photos, myheart is happy to see everyone so handsome and so lovely. My computer is acting a fool, and I almost lost all of my photos and so right now they are not stored in my computer but rather on a disc. My husband has the disc and he is deep asleep as I should be at nearly midnight. (i like staying up on the weekends). So  Greg, I will try to scan a photo in but if it does not work, give me a few days.

I was thinking that we should put a book together called; "Say Their Names "

[ericasmom]

Hey it worked! Dang, I surprise myself sometimes. This photo is one of ERica at a modern experimental dance group she joined one year in highschool. She was 16. Believe me, ERi was not a dancer, but I was thrilled that she joined something, and the girls were so dear, all trying to express themselves as free spirits who loved to dance. I loved watching her move about the stage, trying not to laugh when she slipped on the skirt of another...oh she was so funny.

Sorry, now I will get carried away and send her senior picture as well, just because I love it and because my computer is cooperating.

Whatever you are doing Greg, I thank you in advance.

We have such lovely children so may we sleep in their love and wake in it too, dream of them when we are blessed with those visions and take joy in the knowing of such great love.

[bigmikesmom]

Big Mike on the left as you look at pic.

[mikesmomrs]

The picture of Mike for Greg:

thanks Greg!

[mikesmomrs]

All:  I've not been posting this week...have had my head in a can of paint since Sunday, trying to get our new house ready to finally move in one of these days...  Painting for me is a chore that is listed at the very bottom of things I enjoy, but this week it has actually been a good thing, kind of kept me occupied to some extent, which was sorely needed......Monday will be Mike's 18 month anniversary and for some reason it has been a real "drop deep into the pit" time for me...new thoughts, old thoughts, all rambling together in my head...memories, sweet, bittersweet, raw anger/deep sorrow at his not being here; regrets, oh, so many regrets.   Even though Mike lived such a full life, and the love he shared with us as his parents, and the love he shared with his children, wife, and friends was huge and all encompassing,  still the regrets come and assail your mind when you least expect it.    ...that awful argument we had in the car on the way home from school one night when I picked him up after track practice...then the time he got the speeding ticket...why was I so harsh with him about it?   The day he bleached his hair...why didn't we just smile and tell him it looked great---it was just hair, wasn't it?   why didn't I let him go on that ballon trip before he died?  yes, I know, time got the best of us then, but still, why, why why???????? A million whys and what-ifs...torture, heart's destruction....thoughts...

I've read all of your posts from the last week, so many beautiful pictures, so many kind, loving words from all of you to each other....this is such a wonderful place for all of us to be...so understanding, so compassionate.  

Bonnie, I am so very sorry for your evening with your friends to turn out the way it did...it is so common for all of us...the uncomfortable sighs or glances when we bring up our "dead" child...the total lack of understanding that our "dead" child is still alive in our hearts, that it will never change for us...he/she will always be there---in our hearts, on our lips, at the forefront of our thoughts, every single day.  On days like the one you experienced, I wish so much one of us could just "appear" at the other's side immediately, to physically envelop each other in love and understanding and offer comfort and an opportunity to speak our child's name to someone who will really listen and understand. 

At 18 months, it's almost an unspoken word outside our own family---"MIKE"   yes, "MIKE"....I, too, want to scream it from the top of the rooftops sometimes.  Mike was out of school for 13 years when he died, so the high school connection was pretty much past...most had moved away from here, as it is only a small town (3500 people) and only his closest friends from high school kept in touch, which by then of course have dwindled to only a couple or a few.  Of course, we see/hear from them, in fact his best friend, Denis, is here often.  Denis brings me a lot of comfort.  He "puts up with" my hugs and tears when they come, he understands.  He grieves, as well.  He remembers; he speaks Mike's name.  Unfortunately, I am not able to speak Mike's name often to Mike's wife, as she is in that stage of "putting it behind her so she can move on with her life" and it hurts so very much that we can't speak of him...she does have pictures of him around the house, and I noticed last week that she has his leather jacket hanging on the corner of her bedroom door.  But she does not like to "speak" about him or bring him up.  When I asked her if she wanted to participate in the candle-lighting ceremony we held for Mike last year, she said "the only two dates that mean anything to her are May 18 (the day he was diagnosed) and October 14 (the day he died), and that those were etched into her heart forever, but unspoken.   She does mention him to Damon when the occasion calls for it...she does not want Damon to forget him, and for that I am so grateful.  But as far as speaking with me about him, that is an unwritten taboo---at least for now.   Such a rich treasure trove of thoughts and sharing, just relegated to silence.  I do understand that she has to grieve in her own way, and that her grief, as his wife, is very different from mine, as his mother, and so I feel I have to give her the space she needs and to understand she has to do it her way. 

We are also planning to create something in remembrance of Mike that will bring comfort to someone....we are thinking of a stone bench being placed in his very favorite local hiking place...I know that he would like that. 

I have read also all of your references to your children's affection for Bob Marley and his music...such a common thread...odd, yet somehow so very appropriate, as though they all had that "connection" of freedom and love in their life just as they do now, in their passing.  Mike asked that he be buried in his favorite Bob Marley shirt...and two months before he died, he did get to live out a wish he'd had for a long time...to go to Jamaica and see Bob's homestead, etc.  I am attaching a picture of him, taken just a month before he died...in that shirt, and his reggae pants...which he also was buried in.  The tears are flowing, the heart is bursting, and I am about spent with emotions right now. 

love to all...so sorry for my rambling...it's late, I am a puddle of emotions right now...thank you for being here.  Where else could I come at 4 o'clock in the morning and pour my heart out and know that I am being understood? 

love and peace,

carol mikesmomrs

 

[johnnysmama]

Carol

I am glad you can come here and tell us all your feelings. It helps me to read my own thoughts in your words and not feel so lonely. Thank you.

 

It is so sad now that the dates we mark in our heart our the dates we lost our children.

 

I can understand some of what you are feeling about Mike's wife. I too had hoped for my son's fiance to tell me many stories I had not heard before about Johnny-esp. since we have no new stories to tell about our children.  But, she has gone the way of substance abuse and we are not sure where she is anymore or who she is with. This began within months of my sons death-it has been 13 months for us since we lost Johnny.  We loved her like our daughter and grieve for her now,too. I dream of her knocking on my door, walking in and hugging me and all being right there again.

But for now I only have hope for that.

 

I am glad you had painting to physically make you tired as i know it is hard to make our brains get tired of thinking so we can sleep or rest.

 

Takd care of yourself and by the way-I love Mike's beautiful, soulful eyes.

Peace, Kay

[johnnysmama]

Dee

I just want to say your writing also is so beautiful, like your daughter.I can see her laughing and dancing or rollerblading with an ear to ear grin. So full of energy! (Sounds like her Mom).  I love your connection with nature-I feel Johnny a lot when I'm outside whether it is watching birds or looking at the stars in the black sky.

 

You are giving me hope, or a glimmer of hope that someday when I think of Johnny it won't be such a sharp, shooting pain in my heart.

 

I must say-I look at all the pictures and it is so bittersweet- I smile at their beauty then I tear up for our loss of that.

 

 

Briansdad-thank you for whatever you are doing that gives us the opportunity to see more of these wonderful children.

Thank you to all of you for being here,

peace, Kay

[loveyoujustin]

Hi everyone ~ I did it again.  I wrote a long post, and then tried an attachment and lost the post.  UGGHH.  Maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was getting at that.

Carol.  You are an amazing woman.  Your words touch my very soul.

I loooooovvvveeee all of the pictures.  I too tell my "other" friends and family of all of you and your beloved children.  I know that it's my greatest wish to make sure that as many people possible in this world know that Justin was here, and that he is so loved and will never be forgotten.

It's quite interesting how our children seem to have that "Marley" connection.  Makes you think, doesn't it?  Also, the same with that version of "Over the Rainbow/It's a Wonderful World" which Greg posted earlier.

I was thinking that I really hope it's ok with all of you that I post on this thread even though Justin was only 17 when he left his eartly home.  He definitely was more mature than most 17 year olds.  Even the autopsy (which I chose not to read, but my husband told me,) stated that Justin seemed to be much older than his age.  He always did everything "early."  He was born early, talked early, took advanced classes, played "up" in sports, and even died early.  Makes me wonder?  Anyway, I hope you don't mind.  I just feel a connection with all of you, and your children, and your conversations are lively, enriching, and inspirational to me.

Gotta run. 

Peace and Love to All,   Trish

 

 

Peace and Love to All.   Trish

[ericasmom]

Trish, imagine what we gain in your presence, and in Justins. WE are made better by our connection to one another, and no matter Justin's age, you do belong in this group I feel. And while it doesn't matter to me his age, Justing does look far older than his years, he looks to be in his mid-20's. So handsome.

Kay, thanks for those kind words. I love to write and I am deeply inspired by each of you here, the breadth of our loss...

Erica definitely was a high-energy girl, but not until after 3:00 pm each day. Carol, you said you wonder why you were so hard on Mike, I was so hard on ERi in a lot of ways, and most of them school related. I should have found an alternative school for ERica as she had many learning issues that she refused to acknowledge and so school was the biggest area of failure for her, and since school is a long part of life, she was constantly feeling low. The social factor of school however was her area of expertise. But I always wish that I had found a school that started in the afternoon and went to 8:00 or so in the evening, because ERica's rhythms were such that she really had no bounce or pep until afte 3:00 each day, even when she was about 10. She hated mornings and it really peeved her that I love mornings.

I agree with the post that said that Carol you are amazing at putting your feelings into words...I only wish you never had to put these feelings of loss to use, wish for us all here, and all those that will find themselves here that it would never happen in the first place, but we are here, we are helping one another, and we will continue to both receive and give because it is our experience and our hearts that can help give glimmers of hope if at all possible. Kay, if I am able to give that to you, to anyone, then not only am I grateful and thankful, but so is Erica.

Bonnie, may the next outing you have find you able to say your Baby's name and be met with expressions of comfort and questions that allow you to speak about his life, your life now...people really need to know how dearly important it is...

Peace to All,

May spring find you and may the song of a thousand birds fill your heart.

[kalimac]

      Trish, we've always had difficulty trying to figure out which side of the aisle Nathan belonged on as well. He was 17 years old when diagnosed with what is considered a rare pediatric cancer called desmoplastic small round cell tumor . . its a disease in the same family as Ewings sarcoma which is a bone cancer . . but his was in the soft tissue of the abdomen. Anyway he was always the oldest 'kid' at the childrens cancer clinic and at the children's hospital when being treated . . and as he aged it became even more apparent. We loved the pediatrics though, far better than the adult cancer wards . . (more fun . .and he was still technically a kid as he was a Junior in high school). What was always funny was that his doctors office was set up for little kids . . he was six feet tall and had to sit on these little examination tables covered with little cartoon critters or sink down to his knees to sit in the little chairs. the hospital was the worse since it was all geared to babies or someone under six feet tall . . the oxygen masks never fit him and the beds . . well we all got a laugh because his legs hung off the end . . the nurses finally just started putting two extensions on the end of the bed whenever they saw him coming. Contrast all that with the very somber adult ward .. well we loved pediatrics. It did make for some confusion though as we were afraid that when he reached 20 years old they would 'kick' him out, but they all just laughed when we asked. It seems that once you are a pediatric patient . .you're always treated in peds. Phew.

Nathan was never able to really take off and be independent like most young people his age. He was still in some heavy duty treatment and was only able to take one college class. He never got to live away from home . .or go off with his friends or plan a future. So, sometimes when I post in the Adult Child loss threads I feel out of place too . . but Nate wasn't a teenager . . nor was what is considered an adult . . just right in between with one foot in the kids world and one in the young adult world. :?

[daveydow1]

Patty,

 Nathan's page is very beautiful. 

 Also, I enjoy seeing all of the photos

everyone has been posting.  Sooner or later, maybe I'll learn how to

use the software to send a pic.   Peace and comfort to all here at BI.

                              Daveysmom,    Sherry                         

[heartbeataway]

Trish, I personally would miss you if you were not "here" ....... please stay a while.......

 I know only too well the exasperation of posting then trying to add a picture and losing the posting.  Here's what I do ........  I copy my post before I try adding the picture.  Then if the pictures too big or whatever, I just paste the posting. 

Carol, you truly have such a way with words. Everyone feels the same way. I hope you're feeling a little better now than you were in the wee hours.

The Marley connection is unique. We loved to tease Jason when he was in middle school.  He loved reggae music before it became popular.  Whenever the song, Jammin, came on, his Dad and I would go running into his room and sing and dance while it was on. He thought we were crazy but he would have the biggest smile.

His dog, Jason is laying here at my feet. He really is a comfort. Not to mention one of the coolest dogs on the planet.

Love!  JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Carol - Its 15 months for me since Mike died.  The win over my company was supposed to bring back some normal for me....instead I have found the abyss beckoning.  I had Jeya for a couple of days, and while she was with me, I felt great.  When she left I fell into a tired, confused and weary mess.

I have put off going back to re register for the time being.  I have no really concentration, recall or abilities right now. 

Mike had been out of school about the same time as your Mike.....but in this past months my daughter who has a Facebook Page has been contacted by members of a group from the school she and Mike went to in our old town.    I have been receiving emails via Melissa with condolenscenes of disbelief from  people I remember as teenagers.    

As for the not so great times between Mike and I there were a number.  Something about being too much alike!....  The worst was the week before he died.  His relationship with Harmony's mum had degenerated and he was effectively asked to leave......she sought a court order to stop him seeing Harmony.  He came home to us. He loved her so much.  I was so angry that my son, a gentle man,  was being hurt. Not so good at hiding my anger, we had a number of heated exchanges. 

It was so hard.   This twenty something held my granddaughter at arms length from him.   He had dyed his hair blonde in the months before this.  It looked horrible, but as you do, I said it looked different.  In that last week he went to a hairdresser in town.  Had the hair dyed back to his colour, cut and a beard trim.  He was looking better.  He actually said he felt better, more like he used to.

Our last day together was Friday 12th Jan 07.  He went and saw her, came back and told me he was going to try to make his life with her. She decided to call off the orders. They were going to see a couples and individuals counsellors. I told him my concerns.    He asked me if Amanda would be welcomed back into the family.  (Emily's birthday was in 3 days and I knew he wanted her to be part of the celebrations).  I had to be honest.  I told him it wouldn't be easy, she had caused so much pain in his life, but if this was his choice, as a family we would support him..............I got my last bear hug that day...an "I love you mum' and the ever haunting...'it will be alright'.

It wasn't to be.  He rang Melissa around 1pm on Emilys party day (Sat 13th)......They couldn't come.  "Car problems, baby unsettled, sorry sorry sorry.  Will catch up later".  I was so angry.  It was the first birthday Uncle Mike had missed in Emilys 8 yrs.  I told him to call if he needed anything, but he said it was okay.  He ended the call.  Funnily that afternoon Amanda was out shopping in the local area....driving the car....

His last message on the phone was upbeat and full of enthusiasm, he had reconnected with a community group that looked after young kids with difficult backgrounds.....It was day one, he was part of a 'games day'.  He was going to call on the Thursday..........you know the rest....

At the moment BI is my one connection.  I don't have to get dressed, brush my teeth or even open a door.......I find I am here with those who will let me ramble......this is my primary communication at the moment.......to walk the dog is my outing.  I hate to be with people.......while I can manage pleasantries...it feels like my brain is screaming 'my son is dead, did you hear me, Mike died and I can't get him back....he isn't home, he isn't on the phone.....nothing.  It really is like being back at the beginning. 

Trudi

[ericasmom]

Trudi,

what a very hard memory for you...I am so sorry but I am grateful that you can trust that memory to us. It is like being at the start again some days, but you are not. You have 15 months under your heart. You have found ways to get through a day, sometimes get sleep, interact with others when necessary...you are far beyond that beginning. The ache of now is the ache of time. I fully understand that, it is too much time to not have them, but you will get through this period, this hurdle and you will have found some strange strength from it. Some gem of knowledge that someday will be used for something or someone, and you will know it came from Mike.

Peace to you,

Oh, love all the Marley stories, and I do enjoy the connection to the message in his music. Yesterday I attended a bridal shower at my nieces home, and Somewhere Over the RAinbow came on...I became very choked up. It was Israel K. singing. That one was on my ERi CD as well.

[4everjoeysmom]

Trudi and Carol, I couldn't help but be choked up after reading your posts...such sorrow and heartbreak.  I remember riding some of those first waves of loss and grief with the both of you and how we shared some similar stories...like the tough times we got through with our boys, and of course the times when at the time we did what we had to do, but looking back we wonder if we were too hard on them... the similar stories of likeness in mom and son that caused "the rub" from time to time, the boys spreading wings, coming home to refuel, get mom's hugs and support and then fly away again in search of their happiness, their livlihood, their selves, thinking and feeling like we finally did it!  We finally made it through the hurdles of the tough years, and all will be well after all, then the horror of finding out that would never be.  I read your words and am filled with pain too for you both, for myself, for dreams lost and hearts shattered, for the world moving on, for losing a part of ourselves when our children departed, and for knowing we have to fight to keep going because we cannot change this dreaded fate thus what remains and more than anything we can change we want to honor them, their memories, make them proud of us, and we know they would want us to not stop...  It's hard, isn't it?  I guess that's an understatement.  A movie line I heard recently was a woman telling another who had just lost the love of her life that she could think of much better ways to die... (she had taken up chain smoking...), and the woman speaking to her said "but you need to find a way to live.  That's the hard thing."  It's true.  It's hard, but we are doing it.  I sometimes have to remind myself that I have another son here in this life, and although grown and very independent, he still needs and wants the love of his mom.  I was thinking yesterday how much I miss Joey, and how hard it is sometimes to reach out to my surviving son, not because I don't want to, but because it makes me long SO MUCH for reaching out to my Joey.  I am always happy to talk to my son, but afterwards I am always filled with that longing...  It's incredibly hard.  My heart goes out to both of you.  I am very encouraged much of the time these days for how my heart is healing on this journey, how I am truly able to see Joey in my heart and mind in his fullness with the Lord, and I can find comfort and peace in that more times than not.  But I know along the journey I must always accept that the longing will remain.  That is where my struggle is and will always be, and I know you both, as we all here, struggle so much with that longing as well.  I could feel it very literally and personally in your words...  BIG HUGS to you both, and may comfort in friends and sweet memories find you in dreams and in waking...  Bless you both and my friends here, Claudia

[loveyoujustin]

Trudi~My heart is with you.  I hope you can find strength and courage from the wisdom of those here who have traveled a bit further on this journey.  We are with you, day and night, we understand, and would do anything possible to ease your pain.  I just wish I knew how, as I am in the "abyss" with you.

I need advice.  Justin's accident happened on a rainy evening, still light outside, in front of a small house, with a small front yard.  There is a low cement wall on the property, which apparantly Justin's SUV hit, after losing control.  The man who lives in the house said he saw the whole thing from his living room window.  To make a very long, emotional story short, Justin landed some 40 feet away, in the man's driveway at the edge of his property.  Immediately following, the kids started making a memorial site on the man's property, close to the road.  I will post a picture at the end of my post.  Many were interviewed there, and many people just went and sat there, for quite a few weeks.  One day, the man came out and told the kids that they had to take to memorial away, as he had younger children, and well I guess to put it bluntly, "enough was enough."  The property alongside his driveway is an open, rather large peice of property, with trees, etc.  A very good friend of ours, Justin's best friend's Dad to be exact, knows the man who owns that peice of property very well.  They asked for permission to make a small memorial for Justin there, close to the man from the accident sites driveway.  The owner of the other property said "of course, they can do anything they want there."  So Justin's friends raised money and purchased a beautiful bench, with the verse from "when tomorrow starts without me" and a bronze marker on it with "Justin, and his birth and death dates."  They also purchased a 3ft stone cross, with the Lord's Prayer engraved on it, and made a little section about 6ft by 9ft, with stone, outlined by cobblestone.  Truly touching.  I have not been there, until the other night, on the 8 month anniversary of my Justin leaving this world.  I never want to hear the voice, or see the face of the man who was with my son in his last moments.  I want to believe in my heart that it was me, and his friends at the football workout which he left only seconds earlier that he was to see last.  Anyway,  when we got out of the car in the evening there, I noticed that one of those solar powered crosses which two of Justin's friends had brought by that very day was not lit up.  Not two minutes after we were there, someone came out of the house basically telling the kids that they had to leave.  I ran into the car for the reasons I mentioned earlier of not wanting to see this man.  The kids pulled the solar cross out of the ground and we brought it home.  Someone had taken the back off of it, and the batteries out!   Well, the next day, we put the batteries in, padded the back, and duct taped them in.  You would have had to take scissors to open it.  My daughter went back and placed the solar cross in place.  For two nights, the cross shone brightly.  Tonite, on our way home from Ryan's basketball game, I noticed the cross was not lit.  I went back when it was a little bit darker, and, you guessed it, the tape was cut open and the batteries were out, nowhere to be seen.  I am broken, and my faith in human kindness is shattered.  What kind of person would be so bothered by that small, solar, (not very bright) cross, memorialising my son, that they would so disrespect a family, and a community in  mourning?  May they never have to walk in our shoes!

My feeling is to put the batteries in once again, taped closed, with a note, written by me, the Mother of the child for whom the beautiful memorial site was made for.  What do you all think?  Am I over-reacting?  It just makes the hole in my heart, that much bigger, that I think it may just burst open any minute.  I am so saddened by this whole thing, I just need to take my pills and go to sleep.  Love you guys.  Let me know please, from one brokenhearted parent to another.     Trish

[loveyoujustin]

Just so you know,  that is the picture of the Memorial immediately following the accident that the man who's house it was asked the kids to "please remove."  I do not have any pictures of the "new memorial" at the other man's property, but I will have Kristi take one tomorrow.  It is quite tasteful, and lovely.  Good Night.  Sorry for the rambling!

[wyomingsal]

Trish, I am so sorry that someone is messing with the memorial.  Perhaps it is that old man.  I can only hope his reasons are that he was so saddened and traumatized that he can't stand to think about the horror of the night.  The new memorial is on private property is it not?  Perhaps there would be a way to put a camera (might be expensive) and sign that vandals will be prosecuted?  If the owner of the property is willing to help in that way?  If you caught the old man in action perhaps you could talk to him and tell him you moved it off of his property so would he please leave it alone as it means a lot to a grieving mother.  Perhaps even pray for him if you have it in you.  I don't know how best to handle things like this.  The cross we have at our sons death spot was broken once and had mud thrown on it another time. It makes me so mad that people would do that.  We just rebuild it and put it back.   It is BLM (government) land so I don't know how long it can stay.  Because our memorial is by a creek where teens and kids go to swim it gets all sorts of people coming by.  Winter has helped but we shall see what happens this summer.

Hugs,

 Sal

[lagrangel]

Trish,

   I am sad that someone would act like that. I always feel that people who are not happy with themselves are the ones acting out of anger becasue they don't know any other way. I am sorry for the hurt this man has caused you. I would do what you feel in your heart is right. If you need to write something on the back of the light then do that. It saddens me that people can be cruel to others especially in a time like this. Noone would understand this need and how life altering this journey is  everyday. Someone may have to talk to the old man and let him know that it is not on his property and that you had permission from the owner of that property the memorial is sitting on. Take care of yourself, Lana

 

[mynicholas]

hey, are you from wyoming? I too am. I haven't been on here for quite a while........... and as I was reading tonite I saw you on here..........I lost my Nicholas May8th 2005, Mother's Day...........Write back

[loveyoujustin]

Mynicholas~I am not sure who your question was aimed at, but I am from NY.

Thanks for the replies thus far.  FYI, the man who owned the property where the accident occured is NOT old.  Quite the opposite.  He is a young dad, with grade school aged children.  He does not have to look at the "site," except when pulling in and out of his driveway, if even that!

Well, it's almost 1am, and obviously I haven't gone to bed yet.  I am exhausted!  I miss you Lana, hope you received my e-mail on the "11th."

Sal~I almost can understand "teenagers" doing stupid things because they just don't have the ability to truly rationalize certain things as far as right from wrong, not an excuse, but I think it is so, but adults???  I just don't get it.  I do pray for him, that he never has to know the pain in my heart.

Good Night Friends.

Peace and Love to all,   Trish

[wyomingsal]

I think the wyoming question was directed to me?     Yes,  we live in Casper, WY. 

Sal

[bigmikesmom]

Trish,

That is so terrible for him to be like that. Do whatever you feel like. I do not think you over-reacted. There is a memorial at the site of Mike's accident. It is a half mile from my house on my road. I change it for every holiday, crazy huh? Well, A CROSS HAD BEEN MADE AND PLACED THERE the night of the accident by someone. It was beautiful, his name, D.O.B. and nov 23, 2006 on it and an eagle(his h.s. mascot) was an eagle. It was there for 1yr and now it is gone. I felt so violated that who could take it and why? I thought maybe the guy that killed him or one of his friends took it.But I had to keep my faith in that most people are genuinely good and caring, so I thought maybe the person who made it took it back. I posted it on my my-space and facebook page to see if the person who made it would write and tell me that he/she wanted to keep it, but no response. The lady's whoose yard it is in has been so caring and comes out and talks to me sometimes when I am there. Then the wierdest thing happened and her daughter died in Nov or Dec. I could then cry with her and hug her and she knew I knew how she felt. I love the idea of the bench, the cobblestone walkway, how precious of Justin's friends to do that. See, so there is the good and the bad but the good still outweighs the bad.I would replace the batteries, tape it and write your note and then leave it go and continue to visit there whenever you or anyone wants to. He is not worth your energy. I am glad we are friends.

To everyone else,

I read all your posts, can feel all of your pain and I am here, if it's ok, to share this journey with all of you.

Love to all,

Patti-BigMikesMom

[mikesmum]

Carol - An amazing tribute to a sadly missed son........

I can understand the man from the house wanting to forget the events that took your son from you.  The reaction is I think based in the 'thank goodness it wasn't my child".  The removal of the batteries just the village idiots who also have no experience that comes close.  I would replace the batteries or find a solar light that shines, no batteries needed.  I would most certainly leave a note....something honest and open.

There is a memorial for two local girls who lost their lives in a car that hit a tree.  As a community the young people placed these solar powered lights around the tree.  They covered the tree with Dragonflys and Butterflies.  It has not been desecrated.  It is a sacred site.......Not sure if you have a local paper, but a piece about the importance and significance of the site might educate the ignorant.

We have been approached by the newpaper here to do a piece that highlights the devestation of losing Mike, made worse by being an EMD and an Intensive Paramedic.  It is also to highlight the lack of a support network for EMD's.  Its something I want to do especially given my company hasn't changed any work practises since Jan 07.  They wanted a picture of Mike and I have stumbled over more that I thought were lost......

Mike, you once said I was so tough you thought I had you know whats........well my son, someone stole my energy, my light and shattered my heart........nothing I do or say will ever bring you back...or explain why you had to go......I love you my son.....

 

[loveyoujustin]

Thanks to everyone for your responses.

Sal~ As I lay awake last night, truly exhausted, but wide awake, I realized that the "Wyoming" question was for you.  HOw silly of me, but it just shows you where our minds are at, especially at the point of exhaustion. 

Trudi~I think the article sounds awesome!  Every time a see a picture of Mike my heart melts!  Such a beautiful, yet handsome young man at the same time!

Peace and Love to All,    Trish

[mikesmum]

Trish - Just like Justin, Mike takes a great photo....always did, once you got him to agree........This last one was taken in the backyard of my parents home.  I have a group shot of my three kids and their Nanna.  They were reliving the times when my dad would take them into the garden as little tikes and show them the wonders of growing vegetables......Tears fall with each photo I find......

Trudi

[loveyoujustin]

Trudi~ I know what you mean.  You gave me an idea:  Maybe we should also start posting pictures of our children with their siblings/families.  Perhaps it will help all of us to realize how we must "keep going" on this journey, for their sakes, if nothing else.  What do you think?

Well, I think I am going to put the solar cross back at the site later, with a note attached to read something like this:

April 14, 2008

My name is Trish Wagner.  I am Justin’s Mom, the mother of the young man for whom this beautiful “memorial site” was made.  I truly find it hard to believe that such a small object could be so bothersome to you, that you would show such disrespect and lack of compassion to a family as well as a community in mourning. (As to remove the batteries not only once, but twice in a four day period.)

 

April 10, the eight month anniversary was the very first time I have come to this site, although I pass it almost every day, several times a day. I placed this small, unobtrusive, memorial here for my son. It is my greatest wish that Justin is never forgotten, and perhaps a prayer will be said for him by passerby upon seeing this cross so lovingly placed here for a very special young man, gone too soon.

 

If you are the property owner, which I am guessing you are not, as I have been informed that the property owner has given permission to Justin’s friends to do “as they like” here, but if so, I certainly respect your property, as well as your wishes for removal of any such objects.  You know how to reach us. 

 

May you never have to walk a day in our shoes, a parent with a broken heart and a broken spirit, who has to live on this earth, without their child.

 

 

 

 

What do you all think?  This whole thing is making me even more crazier than I already am!

 

Peace and Love to All,    Trish

[briansdad]

Trish

You know people can be such ass holes.What harm can a lighted cross do. I sent two letters out to witnesses of Brians accident asking for as much info as they could recall because I wanted to know why???Never got a reply.

[summergirl]

Briansdad - I have not been on the site since last thursday - I am at work now but will post a picture of Jessica tonight as you have requested - please wait for it for whatever you are doing.

I have not been able to post and I have no reasons to tell you why - I have not even read until today and there are so many things I have missed, the pictures and memorials are so beautiful and precious. Trudi - Jeya is so adorable and what a wonderful "doggie" to let her check out the "smile" - I love the innocence of children.

So many things swirling around my brain I can not seem to get a hold of one thing let alone two or three - I am trying to get myself together at work and cannot seem to concentrate on what needs to be done - but I will keep plugging along and things will fall into place. Spent a good weekend with Tavian - sunny and lots of stuff outside - was good for the soul.

I have alot to say but will talk to all tonight and God Bless you - I have missed all of you so much. Kathy 

[briansdad]

Hey all if you want to send some more pics of your kids with other family members go to it.Maybe I can finish this by Brian's birthday this Sat. I'll try.I forgot to mention that my Pastor at our church had lost a son to murder 28 years ago.He and his wife came to our house to talk to Jan and I after Brian died. Well on the 8th of this month his other son died from a heart attack.So I guess it does prove bad things DO happen to good people.I have often wondered if I had done somethng in my life to be punished like this.Any way when we went to church Pastor Ben was there.A very strong man indeed. He did not speak though.He had arranged for a guest speaker weeks ago.The strangest thing was his topic was "What is heaven like". Very timely I'd say.But after a few tears buy me it somehow made me feel better to know that my son is enjoying a place like that.

[4everjoeysmom]

Trish, It's so hard to analyze someone's thinking...  Maybe it's like he says, and he doesn't want his kids to have to submit to the idea that a memorial (a reminder of death) beckons notice near their home.  Maybe the guy is slapped with the fear and reality that death is inescapable at any age if the circumstances and fate bring it to collect its next heir.  Maybe the guy is just a hardened heart, like so many people in the world--for who knows why?  Maybe he lost someone close to him in his youth.  Maybe he is haunted by a death.  Maybe he fears his children's or his own.  It's really hard to say.  I guess you have to weigh it in your heart and decide whether this battle should continue for the sake of the on site memorial to exist...or maybe there is an alternative--like a different kind of public memorial, not necessarily at the accident site.  The battle has come down to fighting this one man who obviosuly has issues maybe as incomprehensible to us as your loss is to him...  again who knows?  I guess unless you get a chance to sit and discuss all of the issues with him, how will you ever really know?  A note is ok, but I personally would try and meet with him face to face by any means possible.  Unless you do that, you can always only speculate what the real issues are....and maybe there are some real issues in this guys mind that haunt him over this.  In addition, maybe he needs to see your pain face to face to understand what thie memorial means to you.  A note doubtedly will affect him.

Though it is you who suffers, you who is the one being caused such pain by this guys actions, it is most likely also you who will be the one to take the high road and discern what is the right thing to do in the matter, so as not to allow it to be reduced to nothing more than a memory of a civil battle that has imposed the exact opposite of what the memorial was meant to do above all, to honor a respectable, wonderful, beautiful young man's memory....Needless to say, I hurt for you, for your added pain of this battle.  I do hope and pray that it works out somehow in a way that will bring you comfort and peace about it.  BIG HUGS, Claudia

[wyomingsal]

Here is a picture of my 4 cuties around Christmas 2006 I think.

Joshua and his siblings.

[mikesmum]

Sal - Great pic.....I think Greg is right, family pics....that hair.....I have Caleb who is 4, he would blend right in!

Trish - Even more crazy??  Crazy (insanity) comes with the territory!

I really don't think there is a level that you can measure on this journey.....Sometimes, stating what is the obvious (well obvious to us here) needs to be done.  I know here there was a big push to stop road side memorials., The thinking was it caused accidents when people were distracted......I thought they should make an ad that highlights them......show people that the memorial is a reflection of a person lost to their family.  Maybe then the sight of one may just connect the drivers with the reality of road trauma and loss! 

But hey enough of the soap box.....Take Care Each and Everyone of you...you are a vital part of the survival for me......you enable me to continue on my journey, wearing jimmy jams and those wretched shoes (from a poem on an earlier post)! Selfish I know.

A picture of the grown up babies.  Lauren, Mike, Kelly & Steve (Zak & Jeyas mum and dad) Emily (now 9) and her mum Melissa.  Em and Melissa had flown in from Sydney to attend my nieces wedding.......better times...I know we all had them....

[daveydow1]

Trish,

Oh, what a sorrowful thing to happen......someone violating your dear son's

memorial that everyone so lovingly put up.  I am shocked that someone could

do this. I wanted to put up a cross marking the site where my son, Davey, lost

his life 6/14/03, but it is at an exit on a very busy freeway, and a very steep

embankment beside the guardrail. All this made it impossible to do anything.

It is hard to know why some people can be so isolated from other's feelings.

I can so understand your pain at discovering these violations to the memorial.

My heart goes out to you now.  Peace & comfort to you.

                                                 Daveysmom,   Sherry

   

[heartbeataway]

For Greg's project:

Is anyone else in a total state of anticipation?

Your story about your pastor was incredibly sad. I don't have another natural child to lose but I can't imagine what that would be like ..........

On our first visit to the church we attend, the new Associate Pastor was speaking. His topic was to talk about his son, who had committed suicide two weeks after our son died. I don't know how he stood in front and talked. It wasn't without tears....

Picture is our last Christmas together............... 2006

[heartbeataway]

Jason and his Rubican - he was camping out  and spending time on the trails riding with friends the weekend he died.

[summergirl]

Trish - I have to agree with 4everjoeysmom - maybe this man has issues we know nothing about and talking to him face to face could be the solution - it is hard to figure anyone out, especially when we are facing such tragedy in our lives, such loss and agonizing sorrow. Is it possible this man has lost someone in his life and the memorial upsets him? Although, even if that were the case it gives him or any other person the right to do what he has to your memorial. I sound as though I am talking in circles, I guess I am having a diffacult time trying to come up with an answer to this persons reasoning and I just cannot do it. I wish you luck in talking to him or writing a note to him - I pray it helps.

Today was a sunny and warm day. Tavian was outside digging with a "spoon" in the pile of topsoil I have for my garden - he decided he needed to find worms and put them in a plastic cup - he sound three and then took them to his trampoline and jumped with them!! I got a cute picture of him holding the worm up so I will post it tomorrow for all of you to see. Are you excited about that!!!

I have missed posting and now feel as though I am trying to catch up on everything that has been posted - not easy to do after 4 days. All of the pictures, especially the family ones are so beautiful - I will get one and post tomorrow night.

Here is one of my favorites of Jessica.

God Bless All and hugs to all - Kathy

[summergirl]

Here is another of my favorites!! I have so many it is hard!! Kathy

[briansdad]

Here's what happens when Grandpa baby sits.....

 

 

[johnnysmama]

greg

That's what grandpas are for-fun, fun, fun! Anyhow-wasnt she practicing her counting there?