Loss of an Adult Child

[4everjoeysmom]

Mommabert, I wish I had some magic words of wisdom to share for your situation.  I do believe it's normal.  There's a part of our brain that is strong in memory that becomes kind of paralyzed, I think, after the shock of losing a child.  As our memories begin to come back about our children gone and other things, so comes that pain, and so the brain tries hard to supress that pain and it affects our memories and abilities, motivation and other key functions of the brain.  At least that's my theory from experience more than anything else.  I have trouble remembering some things, and I used to be sharp as a tack.  I used to be hard driven, and now I have to really push myself hard to get motivated.  I don't know that I would have lasted in my former job had I been there after going through this.  Stress at work is not on my list of pleasures and I try to avoid stress as much as possible now, because it leads me to fall into depression more easily.  I now work on a very flexible schedule and if I need time off, I take time off.  It's the luxury of no longer answering to corporate America.  But I know most people can't have that kind of flexibility and I really feel for those who are having difficulty maintaining in the workforce.  I know it's hard.  I don't know what your bos is like, and would say try to have a sit down to discuss with your boss whether you can have some flexibility either in another position that allows you less stress or some time off to regroup...  but these days corporate America fires people for less, so it's hard to say.  Hang in there, and seek advice from a counselor if you are having overwhelming trouble coping.  Perhaps a medical leave with pay can be sought after through the directive of a doctor if the situation seriously warrants such....  Praying for you, Claudia

Sonya, as hard as it is, you gotta stick to your guns on discipline.  I think Danielle would agree after a time.  5 is young, but not so young that the child won't try pulling strings in your soft spot to get away with something.  Part of our responsibility in loving them is to raise them up to not learn horrible traits like manipulation, which is all too prevelant in today's world.  Your little one knows she was wrong, i'm sure, because moral law is engraved in us from very early on.  She was likely just trying to get you to ease up on punishment by saying something very tender to get you to submit.  Watch out!  I know we can be hard sometimes as parents, but it sounds like you did the right thing.  It's ok to tell her she can't get away with stuff just because sissy isn't here to defend her.  Sissy would want her to have all the right things taught to her from mommy, just like sissy learned, so that Mattie can grow up to honor the way sissy would want her to behave...Yes?    Big Hugs for the difficult moments of parenthood.  I don;t envy the,, but I remember them well.  Love, Claudia

[mikesmum]

[user=14943]mommabert[/user] wrote:

can someone help me !!! i fill like i have lost my mind. for starters i forgot my grandsons birthday it was yesterday. he turned a year old . he is the one named after my son josh ( josh is why i am here) he will be gone 2 years next month on the 8th. than i keep making stupid mistakes at work. i am afraid it will cost me my job if this keeps going on . their are alot of changes going on at work. i fill like i can not keep up. is this normal. i cant keep going like this. how can i help my self to do a better job at getting beter?mommabert

Losing a child truly assaults our minds.  It takes things out of the order in which we believed.   Its like an unseen injury that has occured and we are no longer able to do the things we once did. 

Forgetting dates, even those that seem so important is part of this journey.  Its been 16 months since Mike died.  Once a trained Emergency Medical Dispatcher with one of the highest levels of multiskilling, I now struggle with more than one thing at a time. I found I was not only depressed about losing my son, but also losing my mind and my abilities. 

I have no 'magic answers'. My psychologist told me that my 'mental capabilities' would return, but it might take up to 5 yrs .  He suggested I would be better to take this 'hiccup' and use it to my advantage.  Reassess what it was I liked to do, what I felt I could do and what I wanted to do.    It took some pressure off to know that I wasn't completely unable to work again. 

Some suggestions and they are based on what I have been doing these past months.  Speak with your employer, perhaps you might be able to go to 'light duties'.  Speak with a counsellor, grief or career, both can be invaluable with their insight and networks. Re evaluate your career direction......it really opened my eyes when I started thinking about what I enjoyed and what I felt I was good at before I was an EMD and before Mike died.

As for the dates, birthdays etc......I have a large calendar with each one in bright lettering....trick is to know what today is!  On my good days (high functioning grief days) I programmed alerts into my mobile phone, my email and I also let my family know that since Mike died my database took a hit and they need to remind me.  Not because I don't think these dates are important....nothing registers any more....apart from Jan 18 2007......

Best advice, Take Care of you......this journey isn't benchmarked by time.  It can be two months, two years or two decades......the injury to your mind body and soul is in many ways permanent. But with any injury there is a certain amount of recovery.  It just takes time, patience and  proffessionals to guide the recovery process.

Trudi

 

[summergirl]

Hello to all - how beautiful the pictures are of the children - the innocent loved ones that make us strong.

Claudia - thank you for sending me the info on ARVD and thank you for your words about the disease - it made me feel better. I am glad to share Tavian moments as it helps me to get through the hard times. He is so wonderful. His therapist told me that he will probably start calling me mommy so I need to be prepared and let it flow or he may always call me mi-mi - time will tell.

Tired tonight so I am going to post a picture of Tavian playing his guitar - he loves it and really thinks he is soooo cool when he plays me a song.

Bless all of you my friends. Kathy

[johnnysmama]

Kathy

Tavian is sooo beautiful! I love his hair! Like your daughters. Thank you for sharing.

Peace, Kay

[4everjoeysmom]

Twasn't I.............  (No offense intended by saying so.)

 

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy:  I believe it was Bonnie who sent it.  Yes, it can be so difficult to keep the names straight sometimes, but we all know that it doesn't lessen the appreciation of each of us for each other...we all understand and value each other so much, no matter whose name is assigned to us....

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[mommabert]

trudi & cludia,thanks for the advice and support. i wish i had the insight you have. i do love what i do i work with the public. i am clerk in a store. i have worked in the same store for 7 years quite 2 months after joshs baby passed. i had to fight for time off when the baby passed. i have been back only 9 months now.    i wish you all well know i am thinking of each and everyone. mommabert

[4everjoeysmom]

Mommabert, Bless you!  Public interface daily is so hard when you have days that you have to force yourself to make what might look like a smile.... and to keep patience with some of the shoppers, who in my opinion can get so snooty, among all the other issues that creep up in a public environment like that--not the least remembering small details.  It's a true exercise daily in the Fruit of the Spirit, isn't it?  Love, Peace, Joy, Patience, Kindness, etc, etc...  BIG HUGS, Claudia

[loveyoujustin]

Hi everyone.  I'm so mad, I just wrote a long post and lost it somewhere.

Mommabert~I'm right there with you.  I found that I have to write everything down, and I mean everything.  How can our minds even think any thoughts at all when all we really think about is our beloved children who are not here with us.

Kathy~  I love hearing your stories about Tavian.  Yes, I am envious that you have such a beautiful legacy left by wonderful Jess, but it brings me a peaceful feeling to know how much joy and happiness he brings into your world for you.  Keep the pictures and the stories coming!  We love them!

Well, today is 8 months for me without my Justin here, (physically, anyway.)  I just can't stop thinking about Bonnie's words, "Time stands still, yet races on."  They're just perfect!  The kids at school are doing "April 10th, $10.00 for Justin Day."  To raise money for his memorial fund.  Hope it goes well.  Later, alot of Justin's friends will come over to "hang out."  So I will have a houseful.  I love when they come, i have such a fear that Justin will be forgotten even though I know deep in my soul that he will always be remembered.

Well, gotta run.  Love you guys, and sorry, but now that I learned how to post a picture and the end of the posts, I am going to do it all of the time.  I'm going to find one of Justin when he was younger.  Peace and Love to All,   Trish

 

[ericasmom]

Sonya, I agree with Claudia, and so well said Claudia, that you will need to stick with the discipline that you have always used with Mattie or not only has the sadness occured in her life but Mom's expectations of her have as well. Kids will use what ever means they can to find ways around a situation, not because they are bad but because they are quite bright thinkers. Your consistency will matter hugely right now even when the whole concept of consistency has gone out the window with the loss of your beautiful daughter. You are really at the front of this journey Sonya, give yourself some credit here, the deep grief that you are in makes it very hard to find a stable moment. SIx months is not a long time and yet it is forever and ridiculous to our hearts, minds, spirits, and souls to be without our babies for so long a time. My heart to you Dear and prayers too. Six months was a hard marker for me and on that day there was a package for me at the door. There in a box was a lovely silver necklace with EER engraved on it and the Chinese symbol for Beautiful Daughter. That necklace sits near my heart day and night. Eri has been gone nearly 5 years now. Eri's Godmom had it made and sent, it looks very much like the tattoo that so many people got after she was hit. I find great peace in this piece of jewlery, and had it not been sent, I think I would have had something like this made.

Mommabert, I sure hope that you will not kick yourself too much for forgetting things. I don't have the same capacity for remembering dates or birthdays or special markers for other people since ERica died. When we hit the 2 year mark I kind of feel apart. It meant that all the firsts were done, I was terrified that I would be the only one marking time anymore, recognizing the span of weeks, months, years without her. I was frightened that people would stop thinking of her, and I was frightened too that I would forget things. I did find however, that when I was able to give up some of the repeating memory of that last week, the tragedy part, I was able to have more room in my life for the good memories. I think I was so fearful of what I might lose if I insisted that I stop perseverating on the last phone call, the last day, the last everything! But there in back of all the tragedy was the lovliness of ERi's life and I of course dip back into the ugly dark stuff but less than I used to. So really don't be so hard on yourself, it is very normal to be forgetful, to be less involved and to be sad and preoccupid.

Diane

[daniellemom]

Diane,

Thanks for your comments. We are sticking to our guns with Mattie. With you being a teacher I'm sure you really know what you are talking about. It's hard on all of us but I don't want Mattie to grow up in the shadows of Danielle's death. I want her to strive to be the best she can be just like her Big Sister! Thanks again.

[daniellemom]

Mommabert,

I forget things all the time. I even have been driving and think where am I at, how did I get here. I also work with the public and it's hard to smile and listen to them about the day they are having and you are thinking let me to you something about my day. I went back to work after a week of losing Danielle and in my job I have to talk on the phone to patient's about their medical invoices. Well this one gentleman called in, he was screaming at the top of his lungs about how we didn't know what we were doing and he was going to sue us because we are adding more stress on him and did I really even understand his stress. What I said to him was I don't think you know what stress you are putting me under sir, I just came back to work after burying my 21 year old daugher so do you really want to play the stress card with me? Be kind to yourself!!!

[daveydow1]

Loveyoujustin, Trish,

You mentioned that you would welcome a young woman coming to your

door saying she was going to have Justin's baby. I, too, wish Davey had

left a child. He had been involved with a girl right before his death, and I

sort of held out this tiny hope that maybe this girl would come forward

with the "baby news".  Time went by, and of course she never came to

us. (I had never met her). As a matter of fact, she did not attend the wake,

or funeral, or even send a card. I guess she just didn't care. But, now, I

lavish my love on Davey's two nephews, whom he did not live to see---

one with his name---Trenton David.  I'm grateful to have these two little

guys in my life. It's good you have those little sweethearts in your life too.

Peace be with you.              Daveysmom,    Sherry   

[summergirl]

mammabert - I too find it diffacult to remember things - I have post-it's on top of post-is's to remind of things to do and I still forget. My job is working for the Town we live in - I was working in the Purchasing department before Jessica left us and it is a very active, need to keep your mind on the job - I was off for 5 weeks after Jessica left us, I had lots of sick time built up but did not have to use it as many of the people who work for the town donated some of their time to me. When I went back I made so many mistakes and could not concentrate, had to go outside several times a day to catch my breath and finally I got a transfer to Human Services. I have my own office and it is a relaxed atmosphere with nice people to work with. It is less stressful but I still have times that I forget to do one thing or the other. Please do not think you are alone in the "forgettful zone" - I have scared myself sometimes as I have driven home and cannot remember driving there, did I stop at the stop sign? One time I went through a red light and was lucky no one was coming the other way! We are all here for you and I say a prayer that you will find some peace with yourself - just do the best you can, that's all any of us can do. Thinking of you.

Daniellemom - I am so sorry about the loss of your beautiful daughter. I know what you mean about discipline - it was very diffacult for me in the beginning to put any restrictions on Tavian - it was sort of what ever you want kind of thing and then one day I watched him throw himself on the floor in the store because I refused to buy him an expensive toy he did not need and that is when I realized how wrong I was by not setting ground rules and following through - it can be heartbreaking at times as hearing him cry tears my heart in two but I know that it is the right thing to do. Jessica was a very strict mommy, she had to be as she was a single mom and Tavian learned early on how to do things for himself - when she said something she meant it and always followed through - she wanted him to grow up to be a good man with a good heart and always be respectful and well behaved so I try to focus on that when I am giving Tavina the "time out" chair. I do 6 minutes as that his how old he is and I know that seems like forever to him but it works. Keep doing the great job you are doing with Mattie and she will be as beautiful and wonderful as her big sister as well as being herself.  Hugs to you.

To all - not a good day today but not something I can share right now - it is amazing that I can share my most inner thoughts with all of you except this one thing and I keep hoping the day will come when I can do that as I know you would all be so helpful for me and give me the advice I crave and need but I just can't seem to put the words down yet - a little time and I will have no choice but to ask for your guidence.

Prayers, hugs and love to all - Kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

I've thought about and thought about some more the idea of someone having come forward to say she was expecting Joey's child, and of course what a joy that would be for me...but then I can't help the other scenarios weighing into the thought process, like how very hard it would be on the "very young" mother to raise her child without his or her daddy--while maybe trying to finish high school or attending college, also assuming that she would even want to remain in our lives afterward--as perhaps when she married there would be different feelings "for fairness to the new husband and his family", and/or they would move far away for a job transfer, etc...  I've concluded that it was God's divine order in that it would not come to pass--seemingly for the best...........  (sigh)  This grief is a strange animal causing us to think about kids having kids so we can have something to hold onto.... before Joey passed I prayed and prayed, Lord please let him be responsible and not get a girl pregnant......  God answered.........

[ericasmom]

Whenever and However Kathy, that is when you will tell us what is currently veiled and kept away from others. We are all right here, as far away as your keyboard, and your heart.

Dee

[mikesmum]

As many here can atest, the fatherless motherless child in our lives are loved, cared for and their futures secured by the wider 'village' who raise them.

I have been priviledged in having baby Jeya for the past two days.  Since Mike died Steven (youngest son) is very aware of the 'new fragility' within his once stoic mum.  She is a darling happy baby.  As we drive I have a crystal 'angel' given to me by Lauren that hangs from the mirror and reflects a rainbow through the car.  She watches it intensely and giggles .  I am so sure Mike is spinning it to make her laugh.. 

At 4 in the morning when I change her bottom, feed her her bottle, the tears fall uncontrollably.   My mind plays tricks.....I am back with Mike, 4 in the morning...that same smile, those big brown eyes looking over the top of his bottle....that cheeky grin either side of the teat.......Its also Steven & Melissa.....all were the same....Middle of the night wakeups were merely a pitstop for clean bottoms and refreshments.....They would snuggle and cuddle then drift back to sleep....My heart breaks.  Is it the emptiness of my nest now my babies are grown...or the loss of the one that captured my heart first as a new mum????

Mike, you know Jeyas heart - you looked into her eyes those first weeks....the connection made....She has the smiling eyes...that infectious giggle...(remember the Tape Grandpa made of you Melissa and Steven.....trying to sing but giggling so much).....I miss you my son, my son.  To have you here to see these babies grow...to share your childhood memories of your Grandparents with them....that is what you were meant to do.....I am so tired my son.......I hold you in my heart.....Love ya Mum

Kathy - Tavian is amazing (as I am sure you know)  Wicked guitar.....(what no amp).  I hear the weariness in your words my friend and know this time is taking its toll.   Give only what you can, no more than you can afford to lose.  While God only gives us what he believes we can handle, sometimes the accountants are out to lunch and overload us........Take Care.

[heartbeataway]

mikesmum - precious, haunting posting.  Your grief is palpable in your words. All I can do is read and send you strength and comfort in my thoughts.

The idea of a grandchild showing up at the door is one we too have thought of. Jay was engaged and she isn't pregnant. We actually tried to get sperm after he died and we were told it was too late. I guess it's a matter of hours that they are viable.And then the fiancee turned out to be someone different than Jason thought she was. I guess things do have a way of working out for the best .......... regardless of what we think or want.

April 28th will be a year for us.  It's the 11th and I'm very close to being at "square one" in this grief process. I can't think about anything else. I'm so tired I could sleep all the time yet when I try to sleep my mind refuses to rest with my body. I think I'm just weary of missing our boy, of hoping some miracle will happen and he will appear and then we can get back to normal.

I read the postings here everyday. Lately I haven't had the thoughts or the energy to respond. My heart is so often with the "posters" but I can't respond or offer comfort.  I'm sorry.  I do in my mind and in my heart. There's so much pain at times that it radiates in the words written.

And then there's the ticker tape running in the background of my mind......... why?.......why?............why?............

It's a beautiful sunny day here in Texas. I hope you guys find some sunshine where you are too ............

Love!  JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[4everjoeysmom]

[user=17130]mikesmum[/user] wrote:

As many here can atest, the fatherless motherless child in our lives are loved, cared for and their futures secured by the wider 'village' who raise them.

Trudi, No doubt!  I was a single mom when I had Joey--a very young 18 yrs single mom.  It wasn't too long before a wonderful man came into our lives and swooped us up with love and adoration, (not the genetic father).  And as much as Joey was loved, cared for, secured and supported, he still struggled through his growing up years with questions--like "I wonder what it would be like if?...", issues of identity--like "why do I look and act so different from my dad and brother?..., and the list goes on.  And of course through his rebellious years, it was sometimes a weapon.  It was very hard for him at times despite all of the love, support, and enouragement that surrounded him.  There are just some emotional consequences that cannot be escaped at times, and those are the ones that bring great pain as the loving caregiver for that child, watching their struggles and pain with hard questions such as those and being able to do nothing more than try to answer in appropriate ways when and where we can, but mostly just love them the best we can.  Just like here in this grief community.  No matter how much support we offer one another, our own deep questions still haunt us individually and with them comes great pain...  I can truly understand, Kathy, your mixed bag of emotions regarding Tavian and the hard moments when your heart just breaks for him and for yourself.  I know that from experience, and it's a pain beyond the actual loss.  It's part of the loss, but way more...  And Trudi, I cannot even imagine having a grandchild and not being able to participate in his/her life.  That's definitely a painful issue in loss...... one I cannot fathom but know it could have been a very real possibilty had Joey fathered a child.  As Bonnie had shared of her own situation, Joey's girlfriend also wasn't who she appeared to be.... and had there been a child, I doubt we would have been allowed much involvement, if any....

I can personally atest to the love of a village, but also the real struggles a child may have as a result of life's hard and unfair circumstances.  That was all I meant by my earlier point, not to create offense to anyone, especially those that do have the children in their lives who miss a mommy or daddy--especially them!.  My heart breaks for some of the challenges they will have to face and hurdle.  My point was more to ponder on the fantasy of a would-be child for those of us who only have the dream, and as sweet as that could be, it could also be beyond pain imagineable.  I think as parents we can all relate in some way....  I think the haunting ideas of would-be child legacies is another one of those strange ways hearts and thoughts get significantly altered when forced to live on the other side of loss.  It doesn't make us bad...but certainly different than how we had thought and hoped on the "before" side of the loss.  At least for me, it seems that way.  I can't nor would ever try to speak for all.  Blessings to all in the sweet memories of our children. Claudia

[loveyoujustin]

Hi everyone,  Bonnie, just know you are not alone.  I truly understand when you say you read and read, yet somedays just can't post.  I am like that more often than not.  Sometimes I am so overwhelmed and I feel like I want to write so much, yet I just can't get the thoughts out of my mind and into words!  We are here, and we all feel your pain.

DanielleMom:  I am just beginning to think about the "parenting/discipline" factor again.  For many months, I felt that I could not possibly be a mother anymore to my other two children.  I knew they were hurting, and they were trying to go on with their own lives, but it really didn't matter to me.  I truly thought and felt that when I lost Justin, I lost my ability to be a mother at all anymore.  Kristi left for college for the first time just two weeks after Justin's accident, and Ryan started high school.  It was such an unbearable weight in my heart and mind for me to get out of bed for myself, let alone try to be a nurturing, "fun", loving mother that I used to be.  My therapist said that it is because my grief was stronger than my love for my other children.  I hated that.  How could that be?  How could anything be stronger than a mother's love?  It took me a while to realize that where I was, was because of my love for Justin.  Slowly, but not completely, I am beginning to try to be a mother again to Kristi and Ryan, and of course I will always be Justin's mother.  I will not let anything take, and nothing can take my children out of or away from my heart and soul.  My husband and I truly lived for our kids, built our life around them, and nothing means more to us than them.  So even though my heart is broken, and can never be completely healed, I feel that it is my loving obligation to 1)make sure that Justin is never, ever forgotten, and that he will always be loved, and 2) be here for my other two children the best that I can be on their journey of life.  They didn't ask for, nor deserve this tragedy and profound sadness, yet there has to be a way to keep going on, if only for them.  Yikes, I just went on and on.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that we really shouldn't be so hard on ourselves as far as the other children are concerned.  If we are trying our best, that is what really matters.  I am certain that  your children know how much you love them, and even though your daughter is only five, she needs your firm, but loving guidance.  You are doing just fine.  By the way, your Danielle is absolutely beautiful.

HI Sherry,  I too feel that it just wasn't meant to be.  However, since it has only been eight months I still have the idea in the back of my mind that it could be possible.   I feel that all my love is poured into all that I do have, my neices, nephews, my other two children, and my friends and family.  And I love hearing the stories and seeing the picutures about little Jeya, and adorable Tavian, and everyone elses "little ones."

Kathy,  I know I've just started posting here again recently, but we are here, and you have such a support system, one like no other to count on, whenever you need it. I know you already know that! It amazes me how all of you here have become my " best friends."  Justin and all of our children have led us to each other, of that I am certain. 

Oh yeah!  The kids did great at the "April 10th~$10.00 for Justin Day"  They raised $1045.15.  I thought the 45 was very interesting as it is Justins Football numer, which we will be retiring at graduation.  Anyway, so many people asked if they would do it again today, so they are.  We'll see what the final figure is. 

Peace and Love to All,   Trish

This picture is on senior "t-shirt day" of some of Justin's friends. 

www.JustinScottWagnerMemorialFund.com

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Trish, How awesome the $10.00 for Justin day was a huge success!!  And I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the photo of Senior T shirt day.  It hit me kind of hard and I cried....  but so sweet.......  Hugs, Claudia

[sherrie8168]

I ordered these vinyl auto decals in Bill's memory for family and friends. Everyone really loved them and I love SEEING them on their cars. You know how us mommas are!

[loveyoujustin]

Sherrie, love the decals.  The kids at the high school actually made up four different decal designs for Justin.  I love seeing them too, I told my daughter I just want to go into a parking lot and slap them on all the cars!  I drive my younger son to school every day and when you drop off you have to drive through the senior parking lot, and I just love looking at all of the cars with the decals on them.  It's really strange though, if I am actually driving behind a car with the decal on it, it really kills me.  I just say to myself, that's not my Justin, no, no way, can't be.  Isn't that weird.

Anyway, Claudia, thanks for the reply about the picture.  They said it was amazing because there were so many different groups of "justin t-shirts."  I'll try to post another one.  If you notice up in the windows of the booth in that picture you will see a poster they made of Justin.  They also made the hats and the dog tags that some of them were wearing.  It comforts me to know how much Justin was loved! And will always be!  Supposedly the yearbook is going to be filled with such pictures.  That will be a day for me boy when I look at that.

Love ya,  trish

[4everjoeysmom]

Sherrie, Love the decal!  I can't help it, but every time I see Bill's photo on your avatar after posting, I say to myself "I know that guy".  He just has such a handsome guy next door look, I guess that must be what it is.  But wow!  It happens EVERY time.  Thought i woudl just share that...  Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Trish, now that you mentioned it I see the poster.  Cool!  I did wonder if the grren row of shirts below were for Justin too, but I couldn't read them.  I can't even imagine what that must be like for you, driving through the senior parking lot and seeing all those decals together.  Wow!  A heart jerker for sure...  I am amazed at the strength we find to get through moments like those.........  -C

[daniellemom]

Trish,

I love the shirts!! It really shows how much Justin was loved by his fellow classmates. I hope the raise double today!!

[sherrie8168]

I love Justin's shirts and signs and pics....what an absolutely wonderful bunch of friends he has. If you are anything like me....I want everyone to remember Bill and never ever forget what a great hearted  friend he was to everyone. I think my mission now is to NEVER let my son be forgotten...that he lived and loved and learned. That he is STILL living and loving and learning...just not in that earthly coat. WE shall see our precious ones again. And Oh MY the hugssssss.

[sherrie8168]

Claudia,

Thank you for mentioning that !   I'll bet that he and Joey are big time buds now. That is probably why he looks so familiar.

How are you making it?   I know. Day by day. Some bad and some better.

Sending you much love !!!

Sherrie

[4everjoeysmom]

Sherrie, yeah!  That's why Bill is so familiar to me. 

Most days I chug along.  But I do believe deep down I am battling depression.  I can't seem to back away from "comfort eating" and wanting to go lie down and read.  I just don't have much motivation.  I'm routing for the rainy season here to be over so I can get more sunshine.  That will likely help me want to get outside and be more active...  I hope, anyway.  I have access to such great outdoors and hiking  here...  but its not much fun in the monsoon.  I feel lonely a lot of the time, and I really do wish I could just give Joey a call...  but I guess we all feel that void in our lives, no matter how little or much time has passed.  The last week of April will be 2 years since I last saw Joey, so I guess that's kind of weighing on me a little...  I can't believe it's been just about 2 years! 

Thanks for asking.  I know you know how it goes.  But you're such a sweetheart, always.  Hugs, Claudia

[ericasmom]

Claudia, the rain and the gloom of a season plays heavily on my spirit, but the fact that you are heading into the anniversary plays a huge role too, it is a date we hate to mark and yet it has marked us for all time. Be kind to yourself right now, understanding that your boy wants you to know that he is with you all of the time, but that having not seen him in two years is a BIG DEAL! My thoughts and care to you.

Sherri, your son is a very handsome man, his dimple is beautiful. I feel as though I do not know you or the story of how you came to this place. Perhaps you were here when I was away for about a year. My sadness that you have had to travel this road. I love the decals very much. Great idea.

Trish, your Justin has continued to impact so many kids, he will always be a part of their lives, traveling to colleges all over the world with his buddies. I know Eri has gone everywhere with her buddies, and no, it is never going to be enough for our hearts, but it is so dear that our children have made so large a difference in the lives of so many. The decals on the cars at the highshcool must make your heart beat differently.

The other evening I sat in my little room my office and listened for the first time, to the CD my husband had made from a tape he received on my behalf. The tape was made the week ERi was hit and died, from a radio show in Kalamazoo Michigan. The DJ took requests for songs for 2 hours in ERi's name, and while I listened, I think I had a moment like you Trish. I thought, no they don't mean my daughter laying in the Trauma Center at Bronson Hospital, and then the young man said, " we love you ERi, we love meeting all of your friends from Oak Park, Illinois, and we will always love you. Eri, you were the one that always said, it's all going to be OK." Then he played Bob Marlys "Don't worry, bout a thing, cause every thing is going to be alright.. I have not listened to disk 2 yet, maybe tonight when I am in the privacy of my little room after my husband goes to bed. Just me and the music and the memories and my girl singing," don't worry...."

To all, a peace filled weekend.

Dee

PS I love all of the photos, so FABULOUS

[loveyoujustin]

Claudia,  You have been such an amazing source of love, friendship, support, and comfort for me in ways that I truly don't think you will ever really know, so please know that I am sending you love, and wishes for lots of sunshine in your heart and soul, not to mention some for your little part of this world where you now live and work with your arms and heart wide open for all.

Dee:  Wow, that CD must be amazing.  Maybe someday you could make a list of all the songs so that we can download it, and we can all have our own Eri CD's and listen and think of her.  It's so funny how you mention the Bob Marley song.  Justin loved Bob Marley, and Jamaica.  On his 18th birthday, just this past March 8th, we had a party with all his friends.  We had t-shirts made to raise money for the fund, and on the front was this great picture of Justin wearing his Bob Marley T-shirt, with the Quote "don't worry bout a thing" on top of his picture, and then below it "cause every little thing gonna be alright."  All the kids, and adults too wore the shirts that day.  On the back it said "Happy Birthday Wags" (that's what the kids called him) and We love you and miss you.  3-8-08   I have picures, but have not downloaded them yet.  I will try to put one on soon. 

Sorry if I sound so self centered.  I don't mean to be, I just feel like there are so many thoughts I want to share, but my heart is always with all of yours, joined by a bond only we share.

I'll try to post the picture of Justin wearing his Bob Marley shirt that we put on the birthday t-shirts.

Peace and Love to All,     Trish

[loveyoujustin]

Thank you Sherrie and Sonya too!  Sherrie, I am on the same mission as you, never to let Justin be forgotten.  I have to run, but someday I will explain the whole thing about the video display board which we are putting up in Justin's honor at the high school football field, (hence all of the fundraising efforts.)  Here's another t-shirt picture from senior t-shirt day.   Love you guys!

[4everjoeysmom]

Trish, YOU ROCK!! 

[mikesmum]

Wow, the time difference really shows....so many postings while I sleep!!

Firstly, Claudia welcome back.  The rain is a friend to the depression we all unwittingly bought shares in.  The comfort eating comes as a side order.  While we are now heading into winter, my comfort eating has subsided.  The depression and lack of ability however hasn't.  I woke this morning in a total panic...I am due to start a refresher course for nursing in two weeks...the nightmares, the sweats all came back with full vengance.  Not sure I am in a place (or ever will be) to care for those who need.  I applaud your work and your commitment.

Sherrie - Decals are wonderful.  Am working on a design with the symbol of the Celtic cross, Mikes name and dates......(I play with crayons...hoping to graduate to pencils soon!)

Trish - What an amazing display of respect and acknowledgement.  While no one truly gets the depth of the loss, they certainly get the value of the person.

Bonnie - Square one is a very big part of this journey.  Like snakes and ladders you can find yourself back at the beginning without throwing a dice......It sucks!  Truly nothing I could say will alter these coming weeks.  It takes you back to square one with a revist to all the whys, whatifs, why him, why now,.......I did find though the journey back from square one becomes a little easier as time passes.  I will be thinking of you these coming weeks......Come often - Post as you feel.....nothing here is ever lost - what may not resonate with one, it will with others......

Dee - Take it all in....the music the memory.  I have CD's Mike downloaded for me.  They are of his music, Ben Harper, Evanessence etc....I listen while I type here.... I also have a CD made as a documentary on our EMD call centre.  It has a narrator that strings calls and dispatches  together into a story....It was to highlight the depth of the work and the emotions of the calls.........Can't listen to that anymore....

Losing Mike has seen me take the hardest body blow ever imagined and then some.  I have found that while I love my children and grandbabies with all my heart, the injuries sustained when Mike died in many ways have left me weak and unable to 'enjoy' for want of better words their lives as I did before.     

Take care all - Our children have lead us here, to find others that will know the hurt and the pain of loss.  May they have all found each other in a similar manner and be amazed at the strengths of their parents........Blessed be.

Finally, Miss Jeya spent 'grandma' time this week.  Muttley 'grandmas trusty sidekick' bore the brunt of her 'inquistive nature'

[briansdad]

The Bob Marley T-Shirt reminded me of this song .Good one.I hope you all enjoy.

[johnnysmama]

Brainsdad

Weird i just listened to that song and saved as a favorite about a week ago-found it comforting but love the pics with this one. Thanks, Kay

[johnnysmama]

trish

I am enjoying all the pics of the shirts that the kids made and wore for Justin. The love for him is amazing and I would say there is no way he will be forgotten. The faces on the boys on the stands really touched my heart. Just beautiful.

Justin is a very handsome boy, too and very photogenic.

Peace, Kay

[heartbeataway]

SAY HIS NAME!  HE LIVED AND HE STILL EXISTS IN MY WORLD!!  DAMN IT!!  SAY HIS NAME!!

I'm at at low point tonight.  I went to a "girls night out" at a friends.  I didn't want to go. But the person who invited me was the first person at my door after THE  "phone call".  There was no conversation that didn't include their children. I mentioned Jason's name a couple of times but things went quiet for a few seconds and then the subject changed.............

SAY HIS NAME!  HE LIVED AND HE STILL EXISTS IN MY WORLD!!  DAMN IT!!  SAY HIS NAME!!

And then the song, "Sweet Child of Mine" came on the TV ....... this was one of Jason's favorite songs.  I just made my way to the front door and left.

Will life ever be normal or will I always be the Mom with no child? I apologize because I know I have the biggest case of the "woes is me" in town .......... I really hurt.  I physically hurt. I am raw with hurting. I need my son. I need to hear his voice, feel his hug,  see his smile ............ I need to understand.  Will there ever be understanding?

Briansdad ............ Jay loved Bob Marley when he was younger.  He was into Reggae before some folks knew what it was.  He gave me a CD by Ziggy.  I think the link lead me to the song I've been lookimg for.  Thanks!

I'm going to bed.  I'm going to see if sleep will be my friend tonight ........

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[loveyoujustin]

Bonnie, It's funny, well not really, but my daughter said to me the other day, "when are you going to be "normal" again?"  My answer to her was plain and simple, "never."  So I guess that it my take on this returning to normal idea.  We hurt for you Bonnie, and the way other people react to us, as if we have some dreaded disease sometimes that they are afraid to catch, and all of the other "crazy, and absurd" reactions to who we now are, is just human nature, I guess.  I really don't have any patience for it, yet alone to really try to understand it.  May a peaceful sleep be your friend tonite, and as it's been said many times here before, another day and another night bring us all one day closer to seeing their smiling faces!

Kay,  thank you so much for your kind words.  I hope all of you aren't getting tired of my pictures yet!

Greg, great song.  I've actually put that one, along with many others on the "digital/slide show camera".  I've got quite a few stories about Justin and rainbows, but I'll save them for another day, as I too need to find some kind of peace in sleep right now.  Good night all.   Trish

Sweet Dreams Justin~I miss you and love you!

[loveyoujustin]

Trudi and Kay~ I didn't mean to leave you out!  Thank you for your kind words.  And Trudi~great picture!  I love it.    Love and Peace to All.   Trish

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - I think we all have the same story......people we have known and who on the day were an integral part of the unfolding story seem to behave as if nothing has changed.  In their world it was something bad that happened to someone else.....Life for them is still 'normal'.  It's a behaviour that is reflected if  you have cancer, have a child with a disability or even a child with an addiction.  People prefer to maintain their comfort zone by 'not mentioning them'.  That way they are safe....its a theory I have developed over the years............

Many who post here have the same cry.....SAY THEIR NAMES!  They are no less in my life than when I could hold them, talk to them or just be with them...SAY THEIR NAMES........Its like you need to give them permission to speak of your son.  It comes with the 'but its been a year" thinking.  Their lives have moved forward....for us its not the same..........A year is but a blink of an eye on this journey.......

I love the picture of the memorial......is it an illusion or is that light illuminating Jasons name???????  Please tell me how you made this memorial - It looks solid and could stand the test of time......we are looking at placing a memorial in the mountains around us for Mike.....in a place of contemplation...of great beauty and peace so that many can sit and remember Mike......maybe even 'say his name out loud'.

As for saying his name.......scream it out........

Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason....yes I have a son and his name is Jason

 

[mikesmum]

Trish - please tell me this is a hotel lobby and not the sitting room at home???  Great shot of a handsome guy!

Addendum...Greg love the clip. 

One of our great musos sang Over the Rainbow brilliantly.  He was Billy Thorpe....Thorpies music was part of my growing years.....his later work was reflective and introspective.  He died suddenly, 28th Feb 2007.  This link is part of his memorial service .....it contains a live performance of a song 'Since you've been gone'

[ericasmom]

Greg, cool video clip, and the music is one of the songs on our other Erica CD that we put together for her wake. We made a double CD filled with songs that are important to her, to her brother, to me, to her dad, and to all of her friends. Marley was huge for her. They called her the White Rasta in Kalamazoo, her dreadlocks swinging behind her as she rollerbladed or snowboarded about. Thanks Greg. Seems many of our kids are reggae people, and when we are most raw, we need to repeat the words, "cause every little thing, is going to be all right." At ERi's funeral, 3 of Eri's friends stood in the church and sang one of his songs, can't remember the name but it was one of ERi's favorites, " this song of freedom..."

And while all is not right for us, and we know it will never be the same, it will change, I do promise, it will go from sucking to not great, and various levels before it feels like you have a life again that you want to count on,and at some point, it will be alright. Hang on to this, while I am not an expert in grief and recovery, I do know that the ups and downs are seriously scary, but at almost five years now, I know that some of the hurt, that raw pain that was spoken of tonight, will soften. For many here, the shock is newly shed. There is no more protective covering. I did not know that I was being protected from the shock until it started to fall away. I did not understand why I was so agitated when I had been calmer and more rational the first month and a half after our tragedy. It got worse and I felt completely raw. A giant walking open sore. That was from about the second month through the 6th month, and then life became a bit more balanced,. I began seeing a therapist at 5 months, came here at around 6 months, and I worked with kids every day which required me to perform, to use energy and to receive energy. As I said in the past, it probably helped save my life.

I do a lot of physical things, pre dawn daily power walks, a gentler walk after dinner and the gym 3 times per week for some strength work. I have always done these kinds of daily things and resumed immediately following /Erica's death. I am a bit hyper, and so I knew if I was going to not go completely NUTS, I needed to move. It also helped me sleep better, and it gives me energy. I love being outdoors and always felt walking was my spiritual time each day, and so now, it is also a time that I feel very connected to Erica, to nature, to the powers of the world. On the nights, ( and there were many) when sleep evaded my abilities, I wrote and read until it would finally slam my head down. Staying in a good book that takes you somewhere other than your own world is good.

I love the photos, the grandgirl and the dog, hilarious. The kids wearing the Wagner shirts. The handsome Justin in his Marly shirt. Great.  I wish I had a photo of my great niece Alex, wearing a shirt with Bob Marley on it and it says, B is for Bob. She was 2 when she wore it.

Everyone, we do what we can and when we can, there is no wrong in the way we grieve, and if we are not on the grief agenda that our neighbors and friends need us to be on, well, that is their problem. Say their name is something we sometimes need to say aloud. My child is real, she isn't here anymore, but I have photos, and a broken heart to prove it. She does exist. Her name is Erica Eileen Reith. It is a lovely name, and I chose it just for who she is, who she will always be. Say her name, and if tears come to your eyes, well then, you have found that your discomfort is simply a barricade, a way to pretend that these things do not happen. It isn't catchy, getting hit by a train is not catchy. Talking about it won't make it come true in your families. Say her name.

ERICA EILEEN REITH 4-4-84---7-14-03

Goodnight All, I rambled but I just love you all a ton.

[mikesmum]

Dee - Words from the heart from one who knows.....5 yrs, but a sweep of a butterflies wing.  Your story brings ERi to life here as stories many do.........Thanks.

[4everjoeysmom]

Trudi, I had to laugh when you asked Trish if that was a hotel lobby or her sitting room...even though it appears to be ahotel, I had the very same thought.  Hope that made you smile, Trish! 

Dee, I'm with you.  I think my next visit to the States I will have a T shirt made to say, Death By Train is NOT Contagious!  and maybe on the back, Don't Worry..Ev'ry Lil Thing Gonna Be Alright!

Hope all who needed rest got some lats night!  Hugs, Claudia

[kalimac]

    Beautiful stories, photographs of little ones, and songs. Thanks to all for sharing.

We also have a CD from Nathan's celebration of life service. It was put together by his best friends and included Israel Kamakawiwo'ole "Somewhere over the Rainbow" , John Lennon's "Beautiful Boy", Annie Lennox's "Into the West", 

Mark's Song , the haunting Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah . And, since my son was an avid computer gamer the kids also threw in a theme song from the original "Super Mario Brothers" game. Almost everyone in attendance got the connection to the super Mario Brothers when they heard the theme . . and there were smiles. Our neighbor is also an entertainer who released four or five albums about 25 years ago and he performed a song in Nathan's memory. He gave us the autographed music and CD . . it was a song that he said had never really had someone in mind for until Nathan . . so the song is dedicated to him. We were so touched.

I'm still taking baby steps every day. I returned to work last week and yesterday was the two month mark since Nathan died. I've been doing okay . . on occasion though something will trigger a memory and I've nearly had to leave my co-workers. I know they mean no harm but it appears that I am sensitive to talk about angel pins and others talking about how difficult they have had in the hospital . . I know, I know . .my head says that they are just talking normally, the same way I would have talked only a few months ago . . but now it just triggers memories for me. Most of the time I can talk about Nathan and enjoy the conversation . . but it seems later when I am driving home . . the tears seem to flow. I hate it so much that he is not here with me. I miss him so much.

Patty

Mom to Nathan

11.13.87 - 2.11.08

Nathan's Window

[heartbeataway]

Good Morning Guys,

I appreciate your comforting words and understanding in my ranting last night. It gets so frustrating. I guess it's fear ......... it hasn't been a year and you can't talk about him, what's the rest of our life going to be like?   Thank you!!

The picture is of his memorial cross taken at night.  The cross was made by his friends in a sheet metal shop. It was coated with layers of some kind of protectant.  We do plan to replace it with something more permanent. Then we will put his cross at our place. We watched the old movie, An Unfinished Life, the other night. He had a rock carved for his son.  I liked that.  It was natural and Jason would like something natural that fits in with the mountain top. So,  I'm going to have his friends look for a rock that we can have engraved. 

I did sleep last night.  I dreamed about Jason. That doesn't happen often. He was small and in footed pj's.  He was crying and I asked what was wrong.  He climbed into my lap and said he was afraid that I would go away and he wouldn't be able to find me............

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[loveyoujustin]

Good Morning everyone, well, morning for me anyway at 1:16 in the pm.  For some reason when I opened my eyes this morning I felt like it was not going to be a very good day for me.  The tears can't seam to stop streaming down my face.  I now feel like I am almost addicted to "you guys" and BI at this point.  Well, at least I know it is a "good addiction."

Trudi~ that is actually the lobby in a resort in Jamaica.  We were waiting for the taxi-bus to pick us up to bring us to the airport to return home, hence to say Justin had a very good time there.  He loved Jamaica the best.  Justin had many awesome experiences  in his young life.  Besides the typical  Jersey Shore, Disney, and local beach vacations, we took him to Antigua, Dominican Republic, Jamaica, Paradise Island in the Bahamas.  He was quite the adventurer.  We also have a timeshare at Smuggler's Notch in Vermont.  Besides skiing, he's been parasailing, snorkeling, scuba diving, deep sea fishing, and he loved riding his quad, jet skiing, and of course playing football.   The very week of the accident, he was working with my husbands company.  I came in to his room a few nights before the accident, maybe around 11Pm, he was wide awake, talking to his friends on his phone.  I said "Justin, you better get some sleep, you have to be up at 6:30 am for work, and then go to football workouts afterwards."  His reply was, "I'll sleep when I die."  I just looked at him and said, "don't talk so silly like that."  I thought it was such and odd thing for him to say, because as active as he was, he really loved his sleep! 

I love you guys, don't know what I would do without you!          Trish

[lagrangel]

Patty,

 You journey is so new and you are doing great just to return to work. I returned to work after two weeks after Brent passed away and there were many things that I just had to avoid during that time to get through the day. I work in the school and had been elementary school counselor for 7 years and returned to work and changed jobs and now the librarian at school. I think you have to do what is best for yourself to get through day by day. I always avoided the pitch-in and still do after 8 months. It is just what I have to do to be able to get through the year. I remember crying everyday after work on the way home for at least the first 5 months.  I still cry on the way home but not as often.  You just have to work through the grief and I think that is just part of our healing process.  I find that working has helped me not dwell every second of the day on Brent not being here.  Just continue to take it day by day and take care of yourself because this is a very mental and physical journey.

Bonnie,

I loved the cross. I was wondering what is was made of until you told us. It is amazing what friends will do for the ones that were dear to their heart.

All my prayers to each and everyone, Lana

[briansdad]

OK, Here is your assignment for today. I want all of you to post one pic of your kids for me I have an idea and I want to try out.