Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - No need ever to apologise........The Happy Dance is something Mike did when something went his way or even when he was given the next bit of bad news about his body.  It was two fists together making a circular motion with the hips swaying....I was never very good at it but I am sure he was doing his thing on Wednesday!! Yesterday I got to take Caleb (4) and Emily (9) to a holiday show of "Over the Hedge".  It was audience participation, with singing and dancing.....Well, Grandma bopped with the grandbabies........My Happy Dance!

Patty - Yep, can hold it together (mostly) through the kind words, momentos, entries on Mikes memorial to a point, but just when I think I am okay..........thump, the heart lurches, my stomach flips and I breathlessly sob uncontrollably.........

Greg - You have such a compassionate soul - reflected in your words and definitely the memorial you put together. 

The pain eases and gives way to the overwhelming sadness.......as with each one of us here.....I just want my son back.........

Take Care - Trudi

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

   I visited your memorial video for the sweet girl, Lorie. It is very

  nice, and my favorite photo of all those lovely pics was the very

  last one where she holds the little lamb.

  Thanks for sharing.

                                   Daveysmom,  Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Briansdad:  I finally got to see your video tribute...for some reason I wasn't able to open it before today, but I am glad I persevered.  I agree, the picture with the lamb is my favorite, also.  thanks for sharing. and creating.

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[summergirl]

Hello to all - It is nice to know that most of us keep a journal and write to our beloved child - I too find days when I cannot bring myself to write and others where I write until my fingers cramp. I am on my second journal.

Today has been one of those days where I am feeling myself once again falling - the thoughts that go through my mind are dark like clouds in a thunderstorm. I keep trying to clear it out and find a ray of sunshine but my mind goes in so many different directions that it is impossible to focus on one thought. It is as though there is one person on one shoulder and another person on the other shoulder and they are at war with one another and I am caught in the middle. I ask myself what brings me to this point of darkness? What happened at one moment in my day to send me spiraling downwards? Is it something someone said, something I saw, something I did - I cannot find the answer. I have been telling myself each morning when I get up from a mostly sleepless night that "today will be a good day" and each night when I lie down I want to say "today was a good day" - tonight I cannot say that.   I read so many postings of hope, a step forward, a battle won and they warm my heart for all those here who experienced it but tonight I am looking for an answer to a question that I do not know.

When I put Tavian to bed at night my husband and I take turns reading to him and then I have to stay in his room with him, lie with him as he holds my hand so he can go to sleep. It took us six months to get him to sleep in his room but still will not stay in there alone. I know it is because he went to sleep one night with a mommy and woke up the next morning never to see her again and he is afraid I will do the same to him. There are times when he makes me "pinky promise" that I will not ever leave him, that I will stay with him forever, he wants me to promise him that I will not go to Heaven without him!! How do I possibly reassure this innocent 6 year old when he asks me to promise him something I am not sure of??

I apologize for the sorrow I bring to those here tonight yet I know you will understand and forgive me for being so "down" - today is my day I guess.

Peace to all - Kathy 

Jessica my girl - I miss you so and right now I could really use a hug from you, you could always make me laugh and I long to hear your sweet voice saying I love you mom. I love you.

[heathershope]

Hello all...I have been absent a few a days and just catching up with all the posts.  You miss so much in just a few days.

I was in the hospital...admitted for chest pain but turned out to be gallstones which I now need to schedule surgery for.  I think I will schedule it for the beginning of May...over Heathers one year anniv.  If I have to be off work for two weeks might as well be then.  Combine the emotional and the physical pain together...why not?  Being in the hospital was hard.  everything made me think of all the time Heather was there enduring the same pain and tests, tubes, needles and inconveniences I was, but she endured so much more than I did.  It made me so sad to think of all she did endure.  Maybe I needed to lay a day in her bed so to speak.  Other than childbirth I have never been in the hospital or in that much pain in my life, and mine was miniscule compared with Heathers.  Enough about me though, about the posts.

Trudi...congratualtions as much as that can mean.  I am just glad those jerks did not prevail. 

Brians dad...beautiful memorial, you always have such great tributes to offer.

THE CLUB...Perfectly spoken.  I would like to write it down to share with friends at my support group if there are no objections.

Holliegh: also a wonderful blog.  Jaiden was a beautiful girl...now a beautiful angel.

 

God Bless and good night

Terri/Heathers mom

[mikesmum]

Kathy - How hard is it to gain Tavians trust to sleep when your own heart doesn't understand how Jess was here then gone....no warning, no goodbyes....

I have no idea how I could even begin to explain to this beautiful boy the circle of life....I find it overwhelming and confusing.......

Your Jess has faith in you.  You will see it in Tavians eyes, feel it in your heart.....The first sign.......Tavian has no further need for his counsellor.....You my dear friend, coming from another place, the loss of your daughter, will need to continue.....the concept is something that needs many months of therapy.

Take Care - Trudi

[ericasmom]

Terri,

i sure hope that you get well very soon, please take time to rest and be good to yourself. I am sure that your beautiful daughter wants nothing more than to see you strong again.

Patti, I am so touched by the site for Nathan. What a beautiful young man, so wise and calm, his spirit was gentle. I went to the candles and lit one in Nathan's name and then another for my daughter. Her birthday is tomorrow. Anyhow, thanks so much for sharing your Boy with us, so recent your loss. I know you feel Nathan's love all around you, bless you.

Trish, it is nice to see you here, it has been a little while. I am glad to see you.

Claudia, I am so sorry for the trauma you experienced. Nothing in the world could ever prepare us for the phone calls we received when our kids were hurt/killed. I am holding you in my arms right now, the way I have felt supported by you and everyone here.

Kathy, Tavian is strong like his Momma, and like his Grammy. But even the strongest of all have fears and insecurities. He has learned to step into each day because of what he takes with him of Jess, and what you and his Grandad have given him. Together you will face each day, each joy, and each sorrow with an angel guiding.

Peace,

Dee

[mikesmum]

From Mikes Memorial (Virtual Memorials 10554) Emily Jade (9) wrote......

Miss u so much if wishes came true i would wish for you to come alive again.

Another heart broken......

[mamabets]

For briansdad~ What an amazing video...You bring the gift that so many of us need..

Amazing song, amazing gift from your heart to Laurie's family..

And, a gift to all of us here for sharing...

LOVE

mamabets 

[mamabets]

For All~ For all of the wisdom that I seem to carry, there are so many times when the "NO ANSWERS" to life now just send my head shaking...

The constant state of confusion, it seems. But, it then lifts some, the sweet memories take over, as new ones are made.

I find that my coping skills died when Danny did. There has been illness in my family in Florida- First, Baby Madeline, now my sister has pneumonia, pleurisy and MRSA...

I am surely not the only person on this earth that has to find a way to cope when these things hit. I just hope that one day my coping skills return, if not just a little, so I can find some strength in these storms.

I think it is because my coping skills were at an all time "A" before this happened...I could roll with any punch, I could find the good in any and all situation, and that is just not a part of who I am anymore.

But, I keep coming here and I am no different than all of us...Who can "cope" with this??  Without you, these wee hours would be so , so, so much harder... Your strength gives me mine!!

Today will be a better day. My four little doggies are resting peacefully in their little beds...Right here, always by my side...I find a magic in that.

LOVE

mamabets

[mikesmomrs]

Posted: Fri Apr 4th, 2008 09:51 am

Betsy:  Coping skills?  Yes, I too had the "strength of Gibralter" when it came to coping with something...now, my emotions are mush, my fortitude is foregone.  Yesterday, I had a "mini-emergency" with our pool...we've had a really bad winter this year, as anyone who lives in northern New England can attest, and our pool has a ton of ice on top of the winter cover.  This has caused the cover to slip loose from its binding, and slowly it is slipping into the pool because of the weight of the ice and snow on top of it.  This means that when it starts to rain (although, again today, it is snowing!), the rain will go directly into the pool, washing out the water that is in there, already chemically treated.  What to do?  Don't know.  Yesterday, I went out to the pool, which is approximately 75 feet from the house, and I had to walk over varying depths of snow...from 6 inches to 3 feet, to get there.  Every 4th or 5th step, one foot would sink up to my knee.  I was dragging behind me a huge bucket with six gallon milk jugs filled with water. 

My intention was to tie a jug to each "loop" that was on the edge of the cover, in order to try to hold the cover down over the rim of the pool.  My husband was at work, so I had to do this alone.  Even if he were home, I would have had to do it alone, as he is incapable of doing this type of thing due to his COPD.  After slipping a number of times, landing up to my knee more times than I can count, and finally getting about 4 bottles tied up, as one leg sunk into the snow yet again, this time up to my thigh, I just sat down in the snow and cried.  I just sat there and cried.  If God had come and taken me at that moment, I would have been just as pleased---I still had over a dozen bottles to go---which meant another sinking, slipping trip back to the house to fill up more bottles and another dragging, slipping, sinking trip back to the pool. 

Like you, I eventually drew strength from the things around me.  Sharon, who lives across the street, who has months left to live and is trying to make videos and journals for her sweet 6 year old daughter---Grace---a child who was an amazing unexpected gift to them 12 years into their marriage.  Sharon has so bravely fought this cancer for two and a half years, even having her second breast removed to prevent a recurrence.  Little did she know that at the time, those formidable cancer cells were multiplying elsewhere in her body, lurking, waiting to pounce.  Last month, when the doctors gave her less than a 30% chance for survival and advised her to stop treatment as it was detracting from her quality of life, she presented them with a picture of her two children and said "I am fighting this for them, and I expect no less from you."  Next door, Amy, with her two little boys, who suffers from severe depression, yet fights on every day to keep the world of those two little boys as bright as possible.  And here in my heart, Mike---who I know was there with me, forcing strength back into my limbs with his spirit, setting me back up on my feet, renewing my breath and my strength, and finally, thoughts of all of us here on BI, struggling, forcing ourselves sometimes just to breathe. 

Just a couple of years ago, my saga would have produced laughter right down to the soles of my feet, so much laughing I would have had to stop just to catch my breath again, and likely would have fallen over in the snow with it.  I pray that I will once again laugh like that.  But now, with just two weeks til Mike's been gone from us for 18 months, and my heart and soul in a complete meltdown, laughter is far from my senses...strength is far from my being.  I must pull it from other sources.  And this I will do.  Like you with your little doggies, and all of us here on BI, I will pull it from somewhere, until I can finally find it within myself once again. 

The strength found here on BI is a gift we give to each other, sometimes without even knowing it.  And I am eternally and deeply grateful for this connection. 

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, Thank you for your kind words.  The call...  Yes...  I was far from home (as I am now) when I go that call.  I never imagined my first trip back home would have been to bury my son.....  Ironically, he was the one worried that something would happen to me on the mission field.  I had some angst at first in being here, some fear of the unknown.  But somehow since losing Joey, those fears have gone.  I feel I can face anything that comes my way, solely by the grace of God, because NOTHING seems as horrendously painful as losing a child.........     Hugs back, Claudia

[mikesmum]

Betsy & Carol - It seems another common thread.  Life could have thrown anything at me (and many times it did), but I would roll with the punches, think of how strong the experience would make me and move on.

Now, as with you both, I have none of my 'coping mechanisms left'.  It isn't lifes big problems that find me a blubbering incoherant mess, it can be the smallest thing.

Where I once found strength being 'someones mum' I find it can be debilitating....my only guess is that since Mike died nothing in my world is the same, my strengths turned to weakness, my energies depleted and my wisdom shaken to its core......my child died before me......it is so wrong.

Carol - Both Sharon and Amy have the focus of their children to give them the strengths they display in making the diaries and getting up each day.....a strength I am sure in my heart you would have had if it had been you not Mike in that situation.  You would have been driven by the maternal need to be there for your child.  All that changes when its your child that is taken.............no other life experience comes close.

Betsy - Ahh the tranquil sleep of the Dashies.........I find watching Muttley lying next to me sleeping most restful.  Simple, uncomplicated......I feed him, I hug him and he loves me back........

Take Care - Trudi

 

[loveyoujustin]

Hi Everyone:

Coping mechanisms?  Mine are hidden deep inside somewhere!  I am still in the self centered mindset of "nobody could be hurting more than me, unless you've walked a step in my shoes."  That is why the comfort I get from all of you who have walked longer and further than I is what gets me through, day after day.  Sometimes I am so numb to anything but my own pain, that I don't even know what is going on around me.:?

Carol:  "eternally and deeply grateful" for the connections here: beautifully said.  My feelings are exactly the same.

Dee:  Thanks for the "welcome back."

Gotta run,  quite a few of Justin's friends are coming over tonite to visit!

Peace and Love to All ~ Trish

www.JustinScottWagnerMemorialFund.com

 

[heathershope]

Mamabets...I think you are like many of us.  I would wager we were all very strong women able to handle anything life threw our way BEFORE....I know I was a formidable force (told so by many) and could hold my own in any situation and now I cry if I drop the milk jug on the floor and make a mess.  The one thing that I never expected life to throw at me, the unthinkable, unbearable knock down blow was losing a child. I used to think I was a strong woman, now I know I am just human and thought I was in control.  I do the best I can, and usually can rally myself if it is emergent and involves my family, but the little stuff kicks my but.  I think you save all your energy for the big stuff which doesn't leave much reserve.  Hope tomorrow finds you having a better day.

 

Terri

[lagrangel]

Carol,

Thanks, you said for many how are everyday life is. I was always the life of the group. Always such a strong woman but this journey has brought me to my knees so many times. You just never know what might bring those flood of tears and I just never thought I would have to deal with this type of pain. The only ones that get it are the ones who travel this journey. I have two special friends who have rallied around me for 7 months and continue to be my "getting through life friends," they have been a true blessing. They have been there since the beginning but only the parents that have traveled this road can know the pain we struggle with everyday. I hope the days get easier as we travel this long journey. My thoughts and prayers are with every parent that is on this long and enduring journey, Lana

[heartbeataway]

Interesting ......

I read the last few postings about strength and patience and vulnerability. We really do change after losing a life that's so crucial to who we are. The loss of a child is different than any other loss.  We know that first hand. I wonder what folks who have not lost a child think when they read our postings............. not that I care ............ I don't ..........

But I know the exact feeling of crying when eleven months ago I probably would have laughed until I wet my pants ...... now I cry until I lose my breath ..... then cry somemore.

or the ticker tape of, "why?.........why?.........why?......... that scrolls in the background of my thoughts every second of every minute of every hour of every day ......why?.... why?....why?.........

how about making a decision that should be easy but can't be accomplished because there's no thinking ability .......... where did it go and will it  ever come back?

I never though I would  be part of a family of strangers that I met online yet cherish everyone of them. I never thought I would sit at a computer and pour my deepest thoughts out. I never thought that I would comtemplate what it would be like to just let go and fall into whatever place I try so desperately everyday to stay away from ........ you know the place, right?

I have no hope for the future, don't care if I grow old or get rich. Don't get excited about much or watch time .......... I do notice the butterfly that dances high in the tree branches.  I've seen butterflys "flit" from bush to bush but I don't know that I've ever seen one so high in a tree.  I notice the two doves in the same tree playing "catch" with each other. I notice the sun dancing on the front window and the wind gently brushing the tree branches. Jason would have noticed these things ......... he loved the outdoors. Does he still notice them?  Where is he exactly?

Time stands still but races on for us. Some days it's like being in the middle of a busy intersection and not able to cross in any direction.  Then forgetting which way I wanted to go anyway .......... so I just wait there with the cars whizzing by ............ maybe it will come back to me .......... maybe not ............

Oh, the world of a grieving parent ........

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Heartbeataway, so fully expressed...  so many of those things I have felt and wondered over.  I gave up on living for myself, and decided to live for something outside of myself, something greater and bigger, something eternal.  Now I feel that no matter what happens, I won't fall into a trap of being disappointed for not meeting my own self expectations.  I don't know if that makes sense, but that's pretty much what I've resigned to.  It's worthwhile now; living, but still a step by step journey.  I love how you expressed your thoughts and feelings....   Hugs, Claudia

[loveyoujustin]

Bonnie~Isn't it amazing how we are now so in tune with the beauty of the world around us, the natural beauty, yet we are so broken to the very core of our being?  I have never noticed the wonderful shapes the clouds form, or the way the breezes flow through the air, or the way the small creatures set about their own little path layed out before them.  Or what about the way the sun rays beam through the clouds sending us the gift of such beauty in the sky?  I never really quite noticed just how amazing it all was before.  I feel it brings me closer to Justin, or even that it is Justin sending it my way, just for me to see.

You truly put it all in a nutshell.  And for those who have not lost children reading our words; may you never have to know such anguish, pain, loss and suffering of having to find your way in this world, without your child in it.

Love you all,   Trish

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie: 

Bonnie:  "how about making a decision that should be easy but can't be accomplished because there's no thinking ability .......... where did it go and will it ever come back?"  Since Mike's passing, we have eaten more take-out food and "quick meals" than in our whole previous 41 years of marriage...my husband asked me one day if we would ever get back to a "menu" of sorts.   My answer to him was telling him to watch the commercial about some type of anti-depression medicine....one of the actors in the commercial, a woman, is holding an empty "shopping basket" as she listlessly walks back and forth in front of the glass doors to the frozen food section at the store, blankly staring as if all of a sudden finding herself there and wondering why she was there...that is such an accurate description of me when I am in the store.  I finally just toss something into the basket and pay for it and leave.  Sometimes I am actually surprised when I get home at what it is. 

And:  "Some days it's like being in the middle of a busy intersection and not able to cross in any direction.  Then forgetting which way I wanted to go anyway .......... so I just wait there with the cars whizzing by ............ maybe it will come back to me .......... maybe not ............"   I am sure this hits home with likely all of us...many of my moments fit this description.   Where did I go?

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[summergirl]

Heartbeataway - your words express exactly how I feel - so beautifully written and so heartbreakingly true. I too used to be able to "cope" with anything that came my way, I was the mother and therefore I could do anything and now I too find myself standing in that same intersection looking in all directions not knowing how to get across and where I was going even if I did. When I am at work I find times when I suddenly am lost as too what I was doing or going to do and have to double check myself to see where I am. Life before losing my Jessica was a life full of family, fun, drama, holidays to remember and so many other blessings and now I am at a loss as to how to even cross a street. I will say it again - I am sooooooo blessed to have Tavian with us, he does have his mommies strength along with her sense of humor, her stubborness, her smile that can light up a dark room, her fingers that so lovingly hold my hand, that whisper of "I love you mi-mi more than fishing"!! Without him and all of you wonderful, incredible, loving people I honestly cannot say that I would not have followed my daughter on her journey. I find a way each day to "cope" with this horrific loss because my Jessica would not want it any other way - she is trusting us to take care of her precious son and I will honor that for the rest of my life.

As for telling Tavian about the circle of life Trudi, that is the tough one. He is so smart and sometimes I feel he is stronger than I am yet so hard for him to understand and so hard for me to find the words to say to him so he does not have to "worry". But, I have endured the worst loss of my life and I am still here breathing and I will find a way to help Tavian through this - together we will help each other and Jessica my angel will be guiding us as we go through each day.

I will take pictures of Tavian tomorrow and post for all of you - I feel as though you are all his extended family and need to watch him grow. Hopefully I will soon have pictures of the new Madison Jessica to post.

Blessed be to all of you my friends and be good to yourselves. Much love - Kathy

  

[summergirl]

Carol - I just have to say that we too have found ourselves doing the "quick" meal thing and I have just recently discussed this topic with my husband - we need to get back to some type of normal - starting with having family dinners is a good way to start and is important for Tavian. I know what you mean about the anti-depressant commercial with the woman wandering around the frozen food section because she cannot "cope" or make a decision on anything - sounds and looks like my life. Every time I see it it is like looking in a mirror to my world. My husabnd is a wonderful cook so we have agreed to start "dinner" time as a family but without our beautiful Jessica with us - but we know that she will be watching over us and smiling at her Tavian.

Bless you my friend - Kathy

[heartbeataway]

Kathy,

It's bittersweet to me to read your emails that mention Tavian. I  AM SO GLAD YOU  HAVE HIM IN YOUR LIFE!!  I am also so envious ........... I said it, I'm jealous.

I could not wait to have a grandchild.  I so wanted to see Jason's blue eyes or sandy blonde curls on a little one. He had hands like mine, my hands are like my Dad's. I wonder if my grandchild would have had the same hands?  But, I also wonder if my grandchild would have had the same heart disease ......... it is genetic.

I have boxes of things that are marked, "for our grandchildren". I was so close! Jay was getting married in October, he died the end of April. Darn! I keep hoping someone will knock on our door with a little one we never knew about ...... probably not going to happen......

So, if you don't mind, I'm going to continue to read your emails and look at your grandson's pictures with envy.  Post lots of pictures ...... he's a cutie!

Love!

As for the cooking, shopping, etc........ or trying .......... someone early on told me to take one hour at a time.  Plan that hour ......... try to stay focused for one hour at a time.......... easier said than done.  But it did give me pause.  Has anyone else gained a ton of weight?  Geez .......... !  I'm (unfortunately) not one of those folks who gives up food.  Food is like a security blanket to me ........ and I'm not feeling very secure lately!

Thanks for all the gracious responses to my " woes is me" posting. Sometimes it's a scary (or almost comforting)  thought to know that I am just a "heartbeataway" from knowing what Jay's world is like now........... yea though I walk through the valley ....... I'm just a Mom missing her boy in the worst way today ...... tomorrow will be....... it will be.

Thanks for being on the receiving end of my thoughts. Sleep ........... dream........or whatever your night time brings these days.  Love!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[align=center]Picture is Jason in preschool ..... bless his little "broken" heart....[/align]

[loveyoujustin]

Hi Guys:  OK, so it's 2:17 am here in NY.  I have been working on this all night, well, with the help of my beautiful daughter, Kristi, and her wonderful boyfriend, Josef.  Anyway, please humor me, and just look at this, if it even posts:

http://www.fliptrack.com/watch/nVvjLbA2or

Claudia, this is one of those baby steps that I am so very proud of.

Love to All,  Trish

[mamabets]

For All~ I remember when this first happened...Danny passed away in June of 2004...I could not do anything that was "so familiar", i.e cook, watch Larry King, read People magazine,go to the grocery store...

These things were just part of my every day life. I wasn't even aware of it, until Danny died. Then, I became accutely aware when I could NOT do things that I did so automatically when he was here. The absence of his daily, if not hourly many times, made EVERYTHING shift... I call it "frozen in fear"~

Then, one day, for whatever reason, these thing gradually came back, although I don't read People anymore...I write in his journals instead...

I just have so many things that no longer matter at all...Reading is one of them, unless it is a book on how you are supposed to do this walk, having lost a child. Alot of those have really helped.

I stick REALLY close to home...I hibernate with my little doggies and Danny and his miracles hang out with us...

Huge family, very close, an lots of free minutes on the phone, thank goodness...

Each and every time that I read your posts here, I can relate... The endless amounts of "OUCH, OUCH, OUCH, OUCH"...When this first happened, and I cried the rivers, my eyes burned as if I had soap in them. Also, I was so accutely aware, and I would think "How did I get SOAP in my eyes???". It was then that I said "My God...It is burning pain, that's all...Simple as that"

They still burn, just not as often. There are times when I cry and they burn, others the tears flow and they do not burn...

I do laugh again. I have my Jackie who really makes me laugh, and one of my sisters is VERY funny, and she can get me going..I felt so sad laughing early on, and then I heard Danny talk to my heart and say "MOM, remember how much WE laughed together??? Please, for me, laugh as much as you can!!!"

I can even laugh at some TV , alone, sometimes...

There is no sugar coating it. This is so painful...

I did, however, notice beautiful tulips in bloom while I was out and about the other day..I think of each and every one of our angels when things like this happen. I noticed that they were this BEAUTIFUL shade of lavender...Not a pink, not a purple...

Hundreds of them, lining the streets...

In a word, magical~

LOVE

mamabets

 

[heartbeataway]

Trish, the video of Justin is precious! You Kristi & Josef did a great job. At this point though, I hope you're sleeping not reading this post!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

By the way, our team KU's Jayhawks are in the Final Four!  Go Hawks!!

[briansdad]

Trish good job . I know when I do work like that it helps me remember the fun times.

[4everjoeysmom]

Trish, such a sweet tribute...  and I noticed the "hoodie" with Justin's wings and "always with us"...  very nice tribute, indeed!

Bonnie, my brother has been a Jayhawks fan for years and years.  Go Jayhawks!  Also, I loved reading about how jason had your hands, your father's hands.  Joey had my bone structure, my dad's build.  He also had my dad's hands.  I think of that soemtimes, but have never really shared that.  I too wonder what his babies would have looked like.  Joey was such a beautiful baby, a beautiful little boy who grew into a handsome young man.  Sigh........   I too envy the ones that have a "little legacy in the flesh" to carry on those features, those manerisms, that familiarity....

 

[mikesmomrs]

Trish--wonderful tribute, really great job...yes, working on these types of things is bittersweet, but so comforting, I think. 

love and peace,

carol mikesmomrs

[mamabets]

For loveyoujustin~ To be able to share things like this with you is an honor...

What a beautiful tribute, Trish...I will add this to my "favorites" with all of my other angels!

LOVE

mamabets

[heartbeataway]

Interesting quote:

[align=left]

[align=center]

[align=center]When we come into the present, we begin to feel the life around us again, but we also encounter whatever we have been avoiding. We must have the courage to face whatever is present / our pain, our desires, our grief, our loss, our secret hopes our love / everything that moves us most deeply."

     [/align]

~Jack Kornfield [/align]

[align=center]What You Think Upon Grows... [/align][/align]

[lagrangel]

Bonnie,

What an appropriate quote!

 

Trish,

What a wonderful tribute to your son, enjoyed all the pictures!! Hope you are getting your rest now.

 

[heathershope]

I know I have gained twenty pounds since Heather died.  I too am a comfort eater, which might explain my gallbadder, huh?

My husband and I were just talking about the confusion and lack of decision making skills last night.  Everything from what should we have for dinner to should we refinance the house seem to take on the same imortance and degree of difficulty in the thought process.  We came to the conclusion all major decisions that can be put off...will until we can think straight again, if that day ever comes.  Prior to Heathers death I had never paid a bill late now it's a monthly occurrance to forget at least one or think I mailed it and find it later after the due date.  My mind is mush. I can't even make a grocery list...I can't remember what there is to buy and it's to hard to try to remember and plan a whole meal aroung it.  I go to the store and buy what I see and figure something out with it.  Lots of spagetti meals since Heathers passing, ironically that was her favorite.

I said "I wish I could just get to the person I am going to be."  I know I will never be the same person, but whatever or whoever I am going to be...I'd like to get there so I can try to get organized again.  I feel lost and confused most of the time.  When I was in the hospital, and I apologize if I said this already...falls under the category of can't remember anything, but anyhow, The social worker came into talk to me and he said "there will always be Heather shaped hole in your life".  That is so true. The question is not how to fill it because it will never be filled but how to incorporate it into my new life...like a pot hole in the road, it's there and some days I drive around it and some days I thud right into and knock my whole alignment off.  Living in Michigan this is a good analogy, our potholes are more like mini lakes in the road.  When you hit some of them your car may actually bottem out.  You try to watch for them and avoid them but sometimes you miss one and  THUD!!!  Unlike a pot hole though I would never fill in my Heather Hole. I will decorate around it and turn it into something as beautiful as I possibly can and try to learn to appreciate it without botteming out in it.  I know I have along way to go and may never get there, but at least try to bottem out less frequently and enjoy the beuaty of more often.  Kind of a dumb analogy but it's all I could think of.

So today I am going to see the butterfly exibit at out local gardens.  It is beautiful with hundreds of butterflies flying all around you.  I will think of you all while I am there and imagine those butterflies as all of our kids today.

Terri/Heathers mom

[johnnysmama]

Justin's Mom, trish-thank you for sharing your beautiful boy with us. What a fun, full life he had. That is so hard yet somehow helpful to go through all those pictures-bittersweet.

 

Mamabets and Heather's Mom-thank you for your insightful words about finding the new normal-everything you said i "ditto". The thought about finding the new me is so true. The me with Johnny gone is so different it is confusing sometimes who I am not to mention who i want to be or what i want to do now. I also find it strange how at some points I can make a big decision and then on the other hand I can't plan supper.  That is so intesting what you write about dinner-to plan what to buy, go out and buy it, than cook it seems to hard for me to fathom.  I am on spring break from teaching and I would normally have a huge renovation or cleaning/ painting project going but I find it hard to get up and get dressed still-I don't care about much of anything anymore-nothing is important anymore. I only do what I am forced to do. Every task is almost painful.  The energy to grieve makes me sooo tired all the time.

Like one of you said-we were all such "mover and shaker" types in our old life-we are lost with this new mind we have. A mom who lost her Marine son a year ago told me it is "grief dementia" that we suffer from-can't remember and can't complete things.

Sorry, rambling here.

Kay

[4everjoeysmom]

Terri, Your "pothole analogy" really hit home with me.  I'm from Illinois, and much like Michigan, the potholes are everywhere, especially after a hard winter.  Now I am in Ecuador, and living in a developing country, the craters in some of the roads (if you can even call them roads) are beyond bottoming out if you fall in.  I can so relate....  Thank you for sharing that analogy.  It's one I will never forget along my journey, and perhaps it is just enough insight to take me a step further in my healing journey.  So with that, thank you so very much.  Blessings and Hugs, Claudia

 

(edited b/c I misspelled your name...)

[daveydow1]

Trish,

 Your memorial video for Justin is so very nice. You've done such a

good job of it, and it's a wonderful tribute to your dear son.

Peace be with you always.

                                            Daveysmom,  Sherry 

[mikesmum]

I wish someone would develop the checklist of 'its okay' "its the new normal" or something similar...

1. Did you lose your mind
   
2. Did you lose your previous abilities e.g.  thinking, processing,
   
3. Did you lose your will to participate
   
4. Did you lose your will to live
   
5. Do you now find the simpliest tasks overwhelming
   
6. Have you changed your daily living
   
7. Have you lost your previous skills/strengths
   
8. Did you put on weight in the past months
   
9. Did you lose weight in the past months
   
10. Do you have trouble sleeping
    
11. Do you have trouble staying asleep
    
12. Do you dream
    
13. If so what do you dream about
    
14. Do you look at anything and everything differently
    
15. Have you stopped communicating with your previous circle of friends
    
16. Have you stopped communicating with your family
    
17. Are you unable to return to your previous employment
    
18. If so why??????
    
19. Are you frequently lost
    
20. (This is the big one) Did you lose your child.........perhaps this should be question 1, cause after that all is irrelevant)

I guess BI has given us the opportunity to share our "all the above" times and in some strange way we know we are not 'insane'.  

Greg - is that a changed Atvar?   If so who is that beautiful baby girl?  Not a grandbaby? 

For all - another milestone.  About 6 weeks before Mike died his niece Jeya was born.  She got to meet her Uncle Mike.  Given all that this family had been through in the last 14 months Steven and his wife Kelly were hesitant in asking us to babysit.  Well, this weekend Miss Jeya and her brother Zak did an overnighter at Grandmas.

With warnings that she doesn't sleep much at night and she can be difficult we headed home.  

That sweet baby girl reached in and wrapped my heart  with her smile, giggles and cuddles.   She slept through the night waking only once to check if we were there. 

I truly believe my heart and soul will never be whole again.  There is that special place taken by Micheal  that will never heal.  Yet with each grandbaby I feel their innocences, their ability to love you unconditionally and those hugs......best therapy I have had in the past months.....

[heartbeataway]

mikesmum, you are so on the mark with your list of questions!

Terri,  I like the analogy ....... a lot.......... thanks for sharing!

grief dementia ........ sounds like me..........

And the Jayhawks won!!  Yeah!!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[briansdad]

Yeah, Trudi I changed the picture.It's Brian kissing his baby. She's the one that keeps me going.

[ericasmom]

Greg, your little grandgirl is gorgeous, has the same cheeks as your boy. I am sure that she is a force in your heart. God Bless.

Mikesmum, so pretty a girl for you as well, Jeya, a lovely name. How special for those of you with grandchildren. I have 8 greatnieces and nephews now. I do get to spend time with them throughout the year, they are indeed a blessing, and a reminder of what is very important in this world.

Lana, 7 months is still very new to this and so I can say with confidence that yes, the days will one day have a softer feel to them. Time will soften the ache someday so that it is not wrenching all the time, 24/7. Instead, what most of us find out after a while longer, is that there is a hole that cannot be filled and we learn to live alongside that hole. Life changes immeasureably, and that is because of the immeasurable nature of your love for your chld. Be very good to yourself as you take the steps you take, real basic stuff like drinking enough water, taking a vitamin or two, drinking some relaxing tea in the evening, eating protein and fresh fruits and vegetables...your body and mind are not separate, and so to take care of one, you must take care of the other. Get outside for some sunshine and the sound of birds. Get some exercise, your body and soul need all that it can offer. I know that when we got home from the hospital after Eri died, I went right back to power walking each day as it is the best thing for my coping and for the nervous energy that builds up in me. It also affords me the alone time I need to have each day, spiritual time. I have been power walking since Eri was 6 months old, some old healthy habits were not hard for me to return to.

I did not know Claudia, that you once lived in Illinois. Where abouts did you live? WE had a very snowy one this year. I loved it because it was like the winters we had when I was a child. My students loved it too. Finally a snowfall that made sense of the midwest winter!

I agree with Sherry Trish, your video of your handsome son Justin, is fabulous. I very much enjoyed watching and loved the gold stars that gently rained down the picute.

Kay, you said, " energy t grieve..." it is such an accurate line, it does take extreme energy to grieve adn that is why we must all make sure of the amount of proteins, and fresh foods we are eating. We need to make sure of eating anti-oxidents to rid our bodies of the toxins that sadness causes. the nurses in the hospital made sure that I was drinking a great deal of water to replace my supply lost from crying. Drink up Everyone. What grade do you teach Kay, and in which state? I teach third grade.

Terri, you said you have a long way to go and wondered if you would ever get there but the destination is really not important as long as you keep traveling through grief, and that you are seeing that it is a whole process. The process is important because at some point along the way, we realize what it is that is helping us get to the next step. It is a process, and in it, we find some amazing magic as well as difficulty.

To all, a good night's sleep if possible. Here in Chicagoland we had a really perfect weather day; 65 adn sunny with a deep blue sky. I had my first bike ride of the season and prior to that I gardened for 2 hours. I am beat, but happy to have had a whole day outdoors. Yesterday was Erica's 24th birthday, her friends came by for a toast and cake along with my son's good buddies. It was good, though today I just needed to be quiet and mostly alone. Luckily, I do not have to worry about explaining tht to my husband. He gets it. And while meterologic spring starts on March 1st, and real spring on or around the 21st of March, real spring has always started on April 4th, since 1984 anyhow.

Peace,

dee

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Eri's Mom, (Dee), Yeah!  I'm a midwestern prairie girl.  I grew up in the twin cities--University of IL town down in the east-central part of the state.  My kids both grew up in that area too, and both worked toward agricultural degrees of one sort or another.  Joey wanted to work as a broker, so he had lots of school still in his dreams.  My younger son is a GPS specialist and works with heavy farm machinery and GPS--the future meets farming.  I'm pretty sure I shared before that Joey did 2 internships in Kalamazoo and we have family in MI.  He loved MI, and routed for the Wolverines since he was a small boy.  While he was more a world traveler heart than his lil bro, they both absolutely loved the midwest.  I don't see my younger son ever leaving there.  We had Joey's ashes spread over the family ranch there, where he raised his horses and loved to "just be".  I can see my grandchildren and great grandchildren growing up on that ranch one day......  when they come into the world.  I imagine sometimes what Joey's children might have been like, being out there, learning to ride.....   Those are nice thoughts now instead of once the very painful thoughts of early grief.....  Thanks for asking about our home area.  Love, Claudia

[ericasmom]

I had forgotton Claudia, (my brain does let info. slip more readily now, grief and age), that Joe and Eri's love of Kalamazoo. A connection for the angels. I too love the midwest and there arn't a whole lot of folks that understand that. I just do, love the early spring yellowgreen that shows now in the ends of the willow trees. I have never thought the flat lands to look boring either. I am also a big city lover and so I love Chicago, having lived in or near it for all my years, so I am where I like to be. I am no world traveler, but anywhere I have gone and thought beautiful has been a wonderful experience, but I am always happy to return. How long have you have been in Equador?  I do think it is lovely that you can picture your grandchildren and beyond on the family ranch in Michigan.  To be able to see beyond hurt is a gift we receive on our journey, and it comes when we are ready.

Peace to All,

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, This May I will be here 2 years.  I left in early May 2006.  Joey died July 31, 2006 of which i went home for a couple of weeks, returned in mid August and have been here since, save for a 7 week furlough at Thanksgiving/Christmastime this past year.  It was cold and icy in the midwest when I was home for the holidays.  I don't miss that part of it so much.  But being here truly has become my home on earth (for now)...and it's a huge blessing having internet to keep close tabs with the family....  I can't imagine the old days when missionaries relied on snail mail to write to and hear from home.....

[ericasmom]

I am glad for your sense of home. It sounds like a pretty place and I imagine that if I were to live in a different climate, I might get pretty used to the lack of winter ice. Though this year it held a more magical tone for me, very familiar and I took long walks in the deep snow. I love when it is newly fallen. However, I am thrilled now that spring is actually here, and that i will be able to be in the garden again today.

May your mission work find you healthy and fulfilled.

Dee

[johnnysmama]

Dear trudi

Thank you for the list-on each number i kept thinking-yes this one is me, until i got to the bottom and all of them were me. It helps me to read that someone is sharing these issues besides me.

Also, your beautiful grandbaby is gorgeous! Children are so pure which makes them so comforting to me.

 

Greg-Your grandaughter is beautiful, too. That pic showed so much love my eyes welled up. thank you for sharing more of your son's legacy-and what a legacy!

 

Peace all,

Kay 

[johnnysmama]

Dee

Thank you for the advice. I need pushed to get back at taking better care of myself. it is hard when I really don't care. I used to tho and have faith i will again.

 

Happy belated bithday, Eri! I understand needing a quiet day after celebrating. I am glad you have her wonderful friends that remember and want to honor her.  It must have been bittersweet-celebrating her beautiful life, yet missing her so much.

 

I live in Ohio and teach all day, every day Kindergarten. I teach in innercity Akron. I have been given a gift this year of the biggest hearted kids ever. They are so kind and are deeply caring. Even when one of them threw up on my shoes last week I couldn't get mad (sick yes, mad, no).  they are very needy at this age but right now I need to be needed so I think they are helping me more than the reverse.  I wasn't sure I could go back or even if I wanted to and then i met these 20 angels from God and knew I could.

 

By the way, my sister lived in Chicago for 3 years and I visited her often. I LOVE that city-urban but still midwestern. Love the culture but hated the traffic-very scary cabdrivers. It was a real midwest winter this year wasnt it?

Have another nice outside day today and maybe i'll try to get out there.

Peace, Kay

[ericasmom]

Kay, I know what you mean about the angels in your classroom. ERi died in July and so I thought, no way can I go back to teaching, what will I do, just sit there and weep all day and scare the kids. How will I plan curriculum, why would I want to. My principal, Cathy, drove to Kalamazoo to say goodbye to ERica and to support us. She said, Just see if you can do it, and if you cannot, I will hire a good sub for you until you can. Never did she imply that she felt I might not ever come back. So I went back to work in late August of 2003, about 5 weeks after losing ERi. I was terrified! But there they were, 21 kids that saved my life and I feel blessed by thier presence in my life. Two of the girls that year reminded me so much of Eri and one of her dearest friends, Susannah. It was heart mending stuff plus I teach at the school my son and daughter attended and so it is home to me. I did not teach there when they were in school/ Eri would have hated that.

I did enjoy seeing the gang raise their glasses to ERi, I love hearing their stories and seeing how they have grown into responsible adults. Some years I do not get so blue after her birthday, but this year I did. I think it has to do with it being tthe 5th birthday without her. Seems impossible to me. Very abstract.

well you get outside and feel the sun on you, and do take care of yourself. It is now time to honor your son with your best life.

Love you, and if you ever come to CHICAGO< give me a heads-up. True for all of you.

Dee

[mikesmum]

Ponderance for the mind - Grandbabies are they the connection we need to our children or are they another soul that brings us home when we are lost?

Greg - such a beautiful precious baby girl.  It is hard to know Mikes daughter is just 30mins away yet we are prevented from seeing her.  It is something I haven't given up on....perhaps with the final outcome of the Coroners report and in time we will once again have our brown eyed girl back. 

 

[daveydow1]

Ericasmom.Dee,

    You mentioned living in Chicago.  I have been there a few times, and

    absolutely loved it. The Art Museum, Michigan Ave, Lakeshore Dr., and

    all the parks.  It's a great city. My husband went to college there years

    ago, until the Vietnam War came about, and he joined the USMC. Anyhow,

    I know what you mean about our children's birthdays. I'm like you----sometimes

    I'm ok with it---sometimes I'm not. However, the angel day is a day I have

     to keep to myself.  My husband and I visit our son's grave, and then go and

     find a quiet secluded place where we can be in the midst of nature to find

     some peace and comfort in the beauty of trees, water, birds, breezes & all.

     How long has ERi been gone?  My son, Davey, has been gone 5 yrs. come June.

     I wish you peace & serenity always.

                                              Daveysmom,  Sherry

[heathershope]

Mikesmum...what a precious baby.  I know you said she was Mike's niece and I have a grandbaby, too, Madalyn from my son.  Oh how I wish Heather had ignored my threats and orders that she better not get pregnant before she graduated high school.  Probably the one thing she listened to me on and now I would give anything to have her child.

TO ALL:  I envy those of you who have a grandbaby by your deceased child.  Not that it makes it any easier but because you have a living breathing piece of them with you.  My son is having a particualrly hard time with the notion he will never be an uncle.  He asked me "why I didn't let Heather pregnant".  If I had the magic crystal ball I would have done alot of things differently I suppose, but I didn't think I should "encourage" my teen daughter to get pregnant (my how thought process can change   Then he was angry that we didn't think to save some of her eggs before she got chemo...I know he's just venting and hurting but sometimes I think, Yeah why didn't we?  On the other hand with her circumstance that she knew she was dying for a year before she did, I shudder to think of her pain if she had a child and knew she was leaving it behind. That would have been torture for her and for me to watch.   One of Heathers greatest regrets was that she wasn't going to get to see Madalyn (her Niece) grow up.  She wanted to be the cool aunt that she came to for everything.  She wanted to take her shopping and to get her nails done..."be the coolest aunt in the world"  Boy I don't know where that rant came from but it's out there now. 

Whoever they belong to, babies are certainly a reminder of the innocence and good in life.  They are pure, they ar a joy to be around.  Madalyn, my granddaughter has been my saving grace.  I remember the first time I really laughed after Heather died. It was a funny expression Madalyn kept making over and overagain for no reason and I thought to myself, " your aunt Heather would be cracking up right now if she was here" then I thought "I think she is here, she's making you do it". She is definately a blessing and I thank God for her everyday.

Terri