Loss of an Adult Child

[heathershope]

I am so sorry for all that so many are going through. 

Trudi...I find it atrocious that lawyers would invade someone's private grief and use BI against you.  I think you should boldly ask if any of them has ever lost a child?  I would want to know how they can in good conscience...lawyer or not....be so callous about the worst nightmare in the world.  Is humanity lost when you pass the bar? I am so sorry about this injustice and I will pray that you are stronger than they are ruthless.

 

For holliegh...I agree the best course at this point is counseling for lexi.  If you have a grief counselor or support group in particular.  My son Josh was very hard on Heather her whole life and when she got sick she tried so hard to reach out to him nut he held back because he didn't want to believe she was going to die.  He "wasted" a year before he broke down and finally "talked" to her about his feelings and even then she was so sick it was very minimal conversation.  She died a week later.  He is riddled with guilt and heartbroken over her death.  Frequently his feelings come out as anger.  He has so much regret as I'm sure your Lexie does, but he doesn't know how to fix it.  I keep telling him it doesn't matter. Heather knew he loved her and she loved him, but he can't forgive himself.  I wish he would go to counseling but he is 25 and I can't make him.  I know how hard it is to deal with someone's anger when all you can do is hold your head above water.  I try to be patient with Josh but I will admit I have lost it on him a few times.  Someone acting out is the last thing you need right now, but unfortunately as we are all finding out, we are getting alot of things we don't need. 

If it's true that "that which does not kill us will only make us stronger" we are going to be one powerful gruop of people here 

[heartbeataway]

Summergirl, you are a blessing!  Someone else mentioned the names and they were right.  It warms the heart to see your childs name and know that someone is thinking of them........  thank you for including the name Jason.  Sincerely ......

Trudi,  Is there a judge or a place we collectively could write in regards to the BI ... BP?  invasion?  That just made my heart sad.  To think that folks would come to a place where you share your grief to get "evidence" to try to use against you in some morbid way is just too much.  It's unconscionable.  It's like putting a tape recorder at a gravestone.  I'm in if there's a way we can let someone know our thoughts. Mercy!

Holleigh,  I can't get you out of my mind. Maybe it's just remembering those early months and the pain  oh, the pain. I'm reaching out to our angels to surround you and comfort you.  Feel their love.  Feel their strength.  Feel their comfort.  Fall into their softness and rest.

Love! To all - JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[4everjoeysmom]

I truly never cease to be amazed at the depravity of humankind....   strayed so far away from goodness and moral law.....  I suppose these lawyers are a perfect example of what happens to those who chase the love of money.  They don't care who they hurt so long as they win and get that big check from that big corporation they defended....

Holleigh, Has Lexi ever been to a summer camp program or something similar where she has had to be guided under strict authority other than at home?  Another good measure of learning self discipline is taking karate or tai kwondo classes.  Usually when kids are deeply rebellious, self esteem issues are part of the mix, although often unidentified.  I know it seems silly with all the special attention she gets from her dad and so forth, but I've seen it time and again with kids in all kinds of family settings, broken homes or together.

I'm so sorry for your loss of dear Jaiden.  I do hope you are able to find some relief somehow with Lexi's issues....  I'm so sorry for your compounded grief by the difficulties you are having with her.  Life can be so upside down......  and all we can do is hold on and try not to fall off.  Wish I could say something of value and comfort, but I know these early months just find us wading minute by minute and hour by hour most of the time for all we can do to survive.  Hugs, Claudia

[ericasmom]

Holleigh,

I could not handle the job of writing hundreds of notes following Erica's death, just couldn't do it. Each day I would sit down and try, but couldn't do more than two and just sink into the depth of blackness. I finally managed to write personal notes to all of the children that came to the wake or funeral. The little kids who needed to be acknowledged.  Then I wrote a letter on the computer, thanking people for their concern, for their support, love and prayers, and for the donations of money that I personally had no idea of why money was coming to me. I sent those out to all the names on the list from the funeral home and from the cards that came in each day. Before I wrote that letter, I had to decide where the money was going to go adn so that is when I decided to start the ERICA REITH fund. That way I could tell folks where the money would be and how it would be used.

Otherwise Holl, I just could not face all of those letters and if you can, let some of that go as well. THis could be another job for the family to take over.

Kay, I so agree, hearing/seeing our kids names as Kathy posted them, was poetic.

[mikesmum]

Well, another day, another reference to Mikes Memorial.  It was too much...I lost it.   I left court returning to hear the testimony of an independant psych.

"This Memorial is personal, reflective of the love of a mother for her son.  It is a positive in what has been for the past year nothing but negative.  She is certainly grieving, feels she could have done more, and wants her son.  This is part of a process. It doesn't lessen the impact of January 18th when she fought the natural maternal instinct to help her son the best way she knew......staying and assisting with instructions for CPR"

My heart soared.  He and the following psychologist gave him a real serve.  Including citing my employer as indifferent, callous and lacking in the basic principles of care.

We go back tomorrow......Yes I am wearing purple.........clothing, jewellery etc........

Thanks for your positives, energies and of course....thanks Mike.....the hugs and sunshine went along way to getting me through today.

[mikesmum]

To all at Beyond Purple ooppsss I mean Beyond Indigo........Thanks

[holleigh]

Thank you again for all your wonderful responses.

Mikesmum~ your beautiful image of the rising run with all our babies names brought a tear and a smile to my face.  I am sorry to hear all the legal battles you are going through.  It makes me really sad that corporations care more about money than the value of human life. 

Did you hear about Walmart going after the medical expenses of the former emplyee who got hit by a truch and suffered severe brain damage.  She incurred close to a million in medical bills, and then when her family sued the trucking company that caused the accident, Walmart citied a clause she had singed in her medical insurance entitling Walmart to reimburse themselves for all of the paid medical bills. 

Well the woman is living in a home now and her husband has divorced her (on paper only) so she is eligible for medicaid.  Walmart took every last penny of the settlement.  The family went to the SJC but they refused to hear the case. 

Blue was Jaiden's favorite color and I wear it all the time.  I know you are wearing purple bcause of 'indigo' but it still made me smile.  I wish you peace today and hope things go the way you want.

Ericasmom~  Thanks for all the advice.  We also received so many monetary donations.  At first our friends set up a fund to assist us with bills and what we expected to be long term care costs.  After jaiden died, we decided to create a non-profit that will help other parents with critically injured or terminally ill children.  I am fortunate to have a friend that is a lawyer who is helping me with all the paperwork. 

Our town had "A Night for Jaiden" dance just last week and it was amazing.  

They had tons of silent auctions and raffle baskets and I pretended it was Jaiden's wedding day.  She would have made such a beautiful bride.

I have written a pulic thank you which ran in the paper.  I used to have a column in our little local weekly paper.  My editor let me publish my thank you as a column.  Our neighborhood was incredible.  They cleaned our house, shoveled our walkways and our roof, brought us food and contined to bring us meals until just recently.  I was able to get hand written thank yous out to all of them finally last week.

I literally have hundreds of cards still in boxes.  Jaiden's accident was very public since it happened only 5 days before Christmas.  A former bus driver of jaiden's set  up a BLog as well that received thousands of visitors.  It is still up, at www.jaident.blogspot.com

SO many stangers wrote to us as well as all the shcool aged children and our community rallied behind us.  You would have thought with so many people praying for her she could not have possibly died.

Claudia~ I agree that Lexi has some self esteem issues.  She does see a counselor once a week that was actually provided as a grant through our school.  This seems to help.  She is involved with track and mock trial, but this year school has been really difficult.  Maybe karate is something worth investigating...

Bonnie~ I am so trying to live minute to minute.  Even when I force myself to think of mundane thoughts, they all seem to lead back to jaiden and the accident.  I do beleive she is safe somewhere with God.  SO many people have told us that she is an angel, I wonder sometimes if this was her destiny?

Heathershope~ Wow your situation sounds a lot like ours.  I agree that part of Lexi's acting out is due to her guilt.  She also spent the entire time we were at the hospital refusing to admit the magnitude of the situation.  She just kept hoping and believing that Jaiden would be fine, even when Jaiden was besiged with infections that kept getting worse. 

I know I need to reach her but she is making it so difficult.

I do feel like I can barely survive myself- so how do I help her when I cannot help myself?  I am so glad she has a counselor she likes.  My goal today is to make an appointment for myself.  I have seen 3 so far and none of them have been people that I want to continue with.

Kathy~ Thank you for the hugs.  We have enlisted the help of others where we can.  It is just that so much of this journey is so personal,no-one can help me deal with the sense of loss.  No one but a parent understand what that particular child means to them.  No one but a parent who has lost a child can begin to understand the scope of what we each feel....

Kay~ Your advice is so true.  We are fortunate that we have had a lot of support to date.  It is begining to dwindle now.  I guess people expect that we will start 'feeling better' soon or something?  I only feel worse as each day passes so that makes it even harder to accept.

Again you have all been so supportive.  I did not even want to get out of bed this morning, and then to read all these replies made me feel so much better.  Thank you for listening and responding...

love holleigh

[briansdad]

I don't knowif I have posted this yet or not but it can prove useful.

[align=center]The Club

by Karen Grover

Feb 1989[/align]

In January, 1987, my husband and I became members of a very exclusive club. We had been only vaguely aware of its existence, and we thought that surely a chapter in a city the size of ours wouldn't have many members.

We had seen a few people who belonged to the club, but we didn't seem to have anything in common with them, so we didn't really get to know them. Occasionally, we read stories in the newspaper about new members being initiated into the club, but it didn't seem likely that we would ever be eligible to join, so we paid no attention.

The price of membership is so dear that we couldn't imagine being a part of the club. We must have realized in the backs of our minds that people didn't choose to join and pay the dues--it was done for them somehow. In fact, no one really has any idea of how members are selected. There are a lot of theories; but much of the time, the theories come from non-members who don't understand much about the situation.

The "club" we are now in (although it is not an organized group), is known as "bereaved parents." The cost of our membership was the life of our son; and we, like all other members, have no idea why we were selected for membership.

No one wants to be in this club. Even now, months afterward, inside our hearts and minds we continue to fight membership, but there is no resigning from it. It is an automatic lifetime membership. There was no way to avoid it--we did the best we could to keep our son safe. For fourteen years, we guided him through dangers, only to have him die in a seemingly minor auto accident. Though we lay awake night after night, and think of it day after day, there is no answer as to why we have been thrust into this select group. We hate it and we cry out in protest, but there is no way to change it.

We have learned a lot since our membership began. We now understand much about the other members. In fact, we seek to be with them, to have regular get-togethers, to discuss our membership, and try to understand its value.

Sometimes, those outside the club are afraid of us, fearing that if they come near us or talk with us, they will be selected to become members too! Acquaintances often try to ignore the membership, pretending that it doesn't exist. They seem to think that will make things easier, and then the members won't feel "different," but it really only makes things much worse.

So many times, I have wanted someone to say hello or to tell me she has been thinking of me or to mention something about the absent child who still lives inside me and overshadows all my thoughts. I have heard people say, "I don't want to upset her, or remind her of her son, or say something that will make her cry."

I want to tell them: "The only way you can make me feel worse than I already do is to pretend that it doesn't exist or that it isn't as deep and painful as you surely know it is.

Have you ever experienced the feeling of having one terrible incident go through your mind, day after day, week after week, month after month, wondering why it happened and how you could have prevented it? Well, don't worry about reminding me of my son. I am thinking about him nearly twenty-four hours a day.

"Sure, sometimes my mind is temporarily distracted--it would have to be to function at all. But if you think there is even one day that goes by without my child's death tearing up my heart, then you have no idea what this club is all about.

"I appreciate your talking about my child, or at least letting me talk about him. He was a very large part of my life, and ignoring him now will really hurt me. It makes me think that you feel he's no longer important because he's gone. It hurts to think that people don't want to think about him or remember good things about him, just because he has died.

"I understand that you don't want to say anything that will make me cry. That sounds kind, and I used to feel that way too, but now I know better. I'd rather the tears didn't come when you talk to me because I know they may scare you away, or at least make you very uncomfortable. But I've learned how useful and necessary they are. If I go too long without tears, my body builds up a terrible pressure from the pain of the grief. If you will allow me to cry in your presence, perhaps I won't have to cry alone, wondering if anyone else remembers, or even cares, about my loss.

"You can't know what will make me cry--sometimes I don't know, myself. Some days I stay dry-eyed through nearly everything. Other days, the slightest thing will start the tears--things you could not possibly imagine or anticipate. Not all the tears are tears of sorrow. Even in the midst of my anguish, I sometimes cry tears of joy and relief because you have reached out; because you have confirmed that my son was special; perhaps because you have shared with me some precious memory about him which I had not known before.

"Please don't run away from me. Don't pretend his death never occurred, or even worse, that he never lived! I still love him, think of him, need to remember. Please share with me and we will both feel better.

"I am learning that God is not punishing me. He did not cause the death of my son. But, He can help me to grow through this experience--to become stronger and wiser and more caring, if I have some help. Initially, when I was told by a church member that I would change and grow stronger through this experience, I wanted to scream that if it meant giving up my son, I didn't want to change or get stronger. But I know I have no choice about that now--he is gone. Now my choices are to either let God, and friends, help me to become better; or I can choose to allow this grief to destroy me."

I have to experience the grief. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt, or hurry it along. That's what membership in this club is teaching me. I am choosing to allow God to take an unspeakable experience and use it to start life again...in a new and better way.

 

 

 

[holleigh]

Briansdad~

Thank you for your post.  I used some of these very thoughts and ideas when I wrote this little poem that I read at a recent fundraiser for a foundation established in my daughter Jaiden's name. 

My Mom also told me that I have two choices.  I can let the grief destroy me and my family; or I can make the res of our lives a tribute to Jaiden and live life the way she would have wanted us to.  Jaiden was only 8, but she had compassion and love far beyond her years.  She could not bear for people to be unhappy or fighting.  If anyone was sad she would make them a card or call them or just hug them.  She wanted to adopt children when she grew up because "there are too many unloved kids in the world."

Here is my little version of membership into "The Club:"

I have recently joined the most exclusive club.

I don’t belong here; I did not choose to sign up.

The membership fee was exorbitant: a price no one should pay.

It was the life of my child.

Bereaved parents are what outsiders call us.

There is no single word in the English language to describe us.

Not widow, widower or orphan.

No title can convey the magnitude of our loss.

The day I joined this club, my heart was shattered

Into a million little pieces.

Try as I may to gather them up again,

I cannot seem to find them all…

A part of me is missing.

The rest of me is irrevocably damaged.

I won’t ever be the person you used to know.

The moment my child departed is the defining line

Between BEFORE and AFTER.

I survive because I have to;

To care for those who were left behind.

My grief will never cease to exist;

It will simply become more manageable.

I won’t ask you to understand.

I only ask you to be patient with me.

Unless you are a fellow member,

You will never know the scope of my anguish.

If my eyes tear when you mention my child,

Don’t think that means I don’t want to hear her name.

I cry because she died;

NOT because you talk about her.

I need to know that she is not forgotten.

I have to know that her life made a difference.

I long to share my memories of her with you.

I wait with baited breath for you to speak her name.

I want you to remember that my child did live.

[bbarbie55]

This poem is what we all feel. I know its been almost a year since my Bobbi died and it still hurts and I do have an empty spot in my heart that no one can ever fill. I wish I didn't belong to this club but I do and I have to live with that.

That was a beautiful poem thank you

Deb

[wyomingsal]

Holleigh and Briansdad,

Thank you both for the posts.  Both are so true to our experiences as parents of Heavenly children. 

Sal

[ericasmom]

Holleigh,

a beautiful way to express what we all know so well. Sadly, it explains exactly what has happened in our lives.

I am so glad to know that there have been events in your daughter's name. The collection of money to be used on behalf of others will go a long way to making sure your daughter's live is being honored. She will not be forgtotton.

Dee

[mikesmum]

Greg & Holleigh -  Tears flow - No further fees please I am still paying off my initiation fee.  Uninvited Life Member

[namarella]

April 1, 2008

I haven’t been on BI for awhile now, but checked the most recent postings today.  I’m so, so sorry to hear about the additional pain you’re going through with the trial, Trudie...the invasion of what I also consider sacred space is unconscionable.  Know that we all hold Mike (and all our children) in our hearts, where they remain untouched by those who cannot understand. Holleigh, I wanted to thank you for the amazing poem you wrote for your daughter, Jaiden.  It reflects so exactly what my experience has been.  

I had an experience yesterday of someone asking me how many children I had, and when I answered “two, one living and one not,” for the first time in two years, I didn’t break into tears.  The person inquired how my son died, and I was able to tell her, to actually talk about it.  I don’t tend to meet many new people in my job and have actually avoided contact with new people since Eric died, not wanting to even broach this painful subject.  Maybe this is what happens when grief becomes so much a part of your life, so familiar that it stops hurting so much.  Others talk about this, but I know Eric, too, would want me to live my life fully (though I’m sure he’ll excuse me if I cry now and then).  I find myself now wanting to be aware and appreciate life every moment I’m living it, both for myself but also, I think, for my son. My heart goes out to everyone here in this sacred space, where we can talk about our children openly and freely.  Blessed be to you all, Colleen

[ericasmom]

Colleen,

I am glad to know that people can ask you how your child died. IT is a conversation that many run from. I know how shaky we can be when we speak of the circumstances, and yet, how good it feels to share our stories. I completely understand how you feel about the moments that life offer you now. They are precious and to be spent living the best life you can live. Naturally, it takes a while to get to that place. Peace to you.\

Holl,

I have looked at the blog site you sent and I am crying in my classroom at all the love that surrounds your family at this time and throughout your tragic times. Your Jaiden is a gorgeous ray of sunshine. Gorgeous. I think that all of the thanks you wrote were beautifully written and show great strength and love. It is the hardest thing in the world to believe Holleigh, that they can possibly be gone, but truly we all know the minute by minute strategy. If each time you look at the clock it is only one minute later, well, then so be it. Perhaps the next day you will find more minutes pass before you check. Hang on please to the belief that one day, you will not ache as you do today. It is a process and there will be many dips along the way, but you know that. There will also be some light. Jaiden's light.

I will hold you close in my thoughts and prayers.

Dee

[summergirl]

Holleigh & Briansdad - I agree with Trudi (again) no more fees!! The poems have been on my mind since I read them and they ring so true to all of us - members of an exclusive club - where none of us ever thought we would be. We all know how many times the words are spoken that "it never happens to us" - I never believed for a moment that I would lose my Jessica and I know as a parent that is the last thing we think about - until "it happens to you" and then if we are lucky we find BI, a place to share the unspeakable with those who had it "happen to them". I can honestly say with all my heart that I do not think I would be where or who I am today if not for all of you here - it is my safe zone, my pressure reliever, my strength, my tears, my hope, my lifeline on days when it seems impossible to move or breathe.

It hurts so too know that "lawyers" actually went to this site (and Michaels Memorial Site) and did what they did - it takes something away from you, THEN, I said no way will I let them take away what we have here and no matter how many pages they print out they will never understand the words they "try" to read, never understand one word that is expressed here.

Colleen - I too can now talk about Jessica with others without crying (most times). You are right, grief becomes such a part of our lives that one day we realize that it will always be there so we must learn to live with it and become stronger, wiser and give strength to those who have not yet made it to the point that others have acheived. I still find days where it is impossible to move around, to think straight, to not let my mind and heart wander to the place of "what could have been" or "what I wish".

To all - I wish I had the ability to express myself in words as so many of you do here, I feel the words, I hear the words but hard for me to write them as beautiful as most here - so you will all just have to except that part of me and let me ramble as I usually do.

Tavian comes home tonight - have not seen him for 10 days and I am missing him so much. I figured I better post now as when he gets here it will be all about him!!

Take care my friends and I will talk to you soon. Love and Peace - Kathy

[daveydow1]

Summergirl,

    Thanks for the tribute to our children in heaven. They must all be

  together, looking down on us, and glad that we have found this site

 which gives us so much comfort.  Peace & blessings.

 

Trudi,

   I agree with Kathy about the lawyers. These particular ones give a

   new meaning to the term "sleaze".  It is unimaginable that they could

   stoop so low and have the unbelievable nerve to say so. Some may say

   that they are only doing their jobs, but you would think that there would

   be a limit to how low they could go. They deserve the ' Creeps of the Year'

   award for sure.  A few years ago, I remember a lady who had lost her

   child, and had found her way to BI, only to say why she would not be back

   to BI because it was not  a private enough site. I do believe she said she

  would search for another site that was more private.   That, of course, is

  not something we here at BI are anxious to do because we feel like we're

   a  "family" and have made such close connections with everyone here.

  Anyhow, I wish you peace and comfort.

                                     Daveysmom,  Sherry

 

[ericasmom]

About the court system,

now that our case is closed, which even sounds odd to me, having been actively involved in a case against AMTRAK for 4 years, I can honestly say that I have never been treated so poorly as one day when AMTRAK deposed us. Did I use the right word? It was when they came to us to ask us questions and each of us, Michael, JOnathan, and me were questioned separately. They let me sit in the room when Jonathan was deposed, but I was unable to say anything. I wept as he was questioned in such a fashion that was cruel. The attorney for AMTRAK asked normal questions, how old are you Jon, how much older are you than your sister...and then out of the blue...you like cars I hear, are you planning to purchase an expensive car if you win money in your sister's case?

Did you ever worry about being in a car with your sister driving?

Where were you when you heard your sister was injured?

That was the first time, and mind you this was 2 years after ERi was killed, that I  heard Jonathan tell that he was at the house he shared with his sister and 3 friends, watching TV. His friend ran in adn said, JOn, you have to come, Eri was hit by a train! He wept while he told, and I wept as I listened. My poor little boy had to be at the site where an ambulance was standing while paramedics were very carefully removing Eri from her car, 300 yards away from where it was hit.

the whole deposition had to be video taped as the attorney for AMTRAK had been held accountable by the Federal Judge for her bad behavior. My attorney complained about her in an earlier dispute while she deposed an eye witness. Anyhow, because she was not happy about the video deal, she sent us a directive through our attorney 2 days before we were to be deposed. Orginally we were to abring some photos, some momentos, some things that showed those at the table about who she was. She wanted about 35 items brought in. She wanted report cards, greeting cards that we kept, photos, trophies, mementos, baby books...

All in all I brought in 5 crates of things to this place, including her favorite stuffed animals, her raggedy anne, her favorite photos, music, her report cards, letters I sent her that I was able to locate in her bedroom...I believe the attorney wanted to make this harder for us. I brought trophies, skating adn baseball, I brought so many things that helped represent this child, that I felt I was breathing life into her for that afternoon, constructing her from objects. They asked me horrible things such as; Did you know tht Erica was flunking the two classes she was taking? Did she tell you?

I answered; Eri was an adult, paying for her own classes, she did not have to tell me.

Why didn't you get ERi more help when you saw she was failing as a young child? They hit it over and over trying to make Erica a failure. When I dumped out the bag with over 500 cards from friends and family on the table I asked; Is this a sign of a failure? This was a child/adult who was gifted in communication. She connected people everywhere she went...she was the girl with a thousand friends.

It was a hard day to say the least. After we were done there, I had to pack all of my Erica back up. I had to deconstruck my girl, put her back into compartments. The next day I woke early, did not sleep well at all. I turned on Neil YOung albumn, and wept and sobbed. The sounds that came from me were from my soul, I was a wounded being at that time. I had been quite together prior to that, and found my way back to being together again after that, but the whole experience knocked me for a while. Life is an amazing balance of joy and ache for most people, but we all found the heavy hand of ache. It is a hard fight to find joy again, but it is worth everything you put into living again, the way our children want us to.

Sleep tight,

Dee

[johnnysmama]

trudi-thank you for the beautiful,spiritual picture with our children's names...

I can't believe what you are going through...please know we will always listen and support you...

 

Briansdad and Holleigh-I want to copy the Club newsletter/poem and send it to all my family and friends that dont get why i still grieve for my son-i may do that-whats sad is they are soooo true

 

Holleigh-what a beautiful angel jaiden is...your community is just wrapping you with their love

 

Dee-thank you for sharing your court story. I feel like i was there with you-my heart was breaking for you,too...Eri sounds like a beautiful person-there for everyone-with a big heart

 

 

Thank you all for sharing, listening and supporting-thank you for writing my son's name-thank you for saying the right things...thanks for being beyond purple (haha)

Hope you find some peace tomorrow, kay

[ericasmom]

you are a doll Kay,

thanks for your words. Our lives are joined here for reasons we may never fully understand, but I guess what I am learning is we don't necessarily need to understand, who could? What we need to do is trust that we are all in this world to do the best we can. May we feel that each day.

Peace to you as well,

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

To all:  I have truly believed ever since finding BI that our children have all led us here, to be together, to help each other, to give to each other, and thus give to ourselves, the chance to become alive again, to reflect the lives of our wonderful children in our own lives.  To "be" again. 

In reading your story, Dee, I too wept, feeling as though I was there...and to know that after all that, you are learning to live again, to "be" again, is heart strengthening and encouraging.  I can't imagine going through such torture, but I applaud you for your courage and your self-control. 

Trudi:  know that we are with you, holding your hand, sending strength as you go though this awful ordeal.   And thank you so very much for your tribute to our loves.  We all feel a smile on our lips even if tears are falling, upon seeing our sweet children's names in print...hearing them said "virtually." 

Briansdad and Holleigh:  beautiful words---I wish they could be published in the New York Times and other major newspapers across the world.  On the front page. 

Kathy:  your "ability to express yourself in words" leaves nothing to be desired...your words are comforting, encouraging, and heartfelt.  Sharing your beautiful daughter's story, and sharing her precious son, Tavian, with us brings life to your words...life to all of us. 

All of us here speak from our hearts, from our pain, from our memories.  The connection we share is a very sad one, but in this connection there is beauty and grace and love, because the connection is based on the beauty and grace and love (and of course the "rough spots" too!) of the lives of our precious sons and daughters of whom we speak. 

love and peaceful memories,

Carol  mikesmomrs 

[mikesmum]

To All - I took your spirit with me today......My company management team were giving their testimony.  They did themselves no favours with a 'cover your butt' approach".  That and the star medico witness for the opposition jumped ship to support me.......It gets better.......The opposition, yet again, read from Micheals memorial........he wanted the psych he employed to say I was just grieving and it was reflected in my words......but while the psych agreed it was a huge outpouring of emotions...it was to be expected...."she did lose her son you know".

It took the judge 10 mins from closing arguments to give the decision............

[align=center]We Won![/align]

[align=left]All I could do was hold on to Mal and cry....they had tried so hard and lost.  We have a major wind/rain storm hitting Melbourne and surrounding suburbs - yet on the way home one ray of light broke thru showing a patch of blue sky......Mike and Jess smiling sending light in what has been an otherwise dark time...[/align]

[align=left]Thank you thank you thank you all for the kind wishes and support........I truly felt the court was filled with each and everyone of you............Micheals death that day has now been acknowledged and my life turns yet another corner......[/align]

[align=left]Thanks....Trudi[/align]

[align=left] [/align]

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  let me send the first of what I am sure will be many heartfelt good wishes for your victory against the tide of persecution you were so mercilessly placed under through the injustices inflicted on you during these procedures.  Yes, we were all there with you, and we all feel the bittersweetness of your victory.  Your "ray of sunshine" on the way home was indeed a sign from your sweet son and likely all of our children together, sending you a cheer from their side.   I thought I heard a really loud noise during the night last night---it must have been the sound of the leaping of your heart against your chest when you heard those words of victory, all the way from "down under!!!"

love and peace,

carol mikesmomrs

 

[ericasmom]

Hooray Trudi! Hooray and oh boy, mayyou always know of that ray of sunshine, that boy of yours, your beautiful son making sure of your energy, your love.

AMAZINGLY great news.

We all wear your smile today and each,

Dee

[wyomingsal]

Trudi,

I am so glad for you.  

Hugs,

Sal

[heartbeataway]

[align=center]Happy Dance Time![/align]

 

Trudi,

I 'm happy for you! You won! You won! Michael won!  Yeah!!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[holleigh]

Trudi,

I am happy to hear that things worked out for you.

I hope this news brings some peace for both you and Michael.

love holleigh

[briansdad]

I love it when  the bad guys lose.

Trudi, are you coming into the fall down there????

[mommabert]

the poem is great  it is so true. it did make me cry. i do miss my son. it dont bother me to hear his name . it bother me when they say " if josh was here",or " when josh was alive" . it is almost like they are telling me he is gone ( I think I know this.) i have not read all the post but i am working on it.   i am happy i found this  site  it is nice to know i am not alone. i hope that did not come out wrong .  peace be will all  mommabert                                                                     

[bigmikesmom]

Trudy, I am so happy for you. I know it has been so much more added stress to a horrible situation. It was so unfair, but the trial is finally over. God Bless you!

Patti-BigMikes Mom

[mikesmum]

Thank you all so much - Yes it is a bittersweet victory.  It didn't change the outcome, Micheal wasn't here when I got home.  In essence I have done much crying since we came home....am exhausted, but sleep as you all know is something that eludes us.

Practically, there has now been a precedent set in relation to EMD's within their work place.  My company was shown to be sadly lacking in the basics. It was proven  that on that morning, not only did I experience the loss of my son, my managers left me with no support, in fact it was left to me to provide support to those around me traumatised by the event.  My immediate manager went on record as saying there was no protocol, no procedure to address this type of situation.  She went on to state she was 'on break when it happened'. Having been made aware of the situation she came into the room but left to find a 'more' senior manager.  Silly me, I thought a hug, direction away from the area and perhaps a cup of tea were simple things you would do, without the need for a protocol or a senior manager.

Dee - I can only imagine the inner strengths you had to find to battle AMTRAK for four years....I was there for three days and I am a wreck.

Carol - its the knowledge that the tall dark handsome Mikes (including Patti's son Mike) of the world were leading the light together with their new found friends that bought me home......Thank you for your kind words of congratulations.

Holleigh - May you find  sunshine in the memories of your beautiful Jaiden.. It is never going to be easy....

Bonnie - Yes Micheal has won......his mother can now truly grieve the beautiful boy without the hinderance of intrusion.  Perhaps that is where my tears come from now......

Greg -  Its Autumn here,.....leaves are turning all shades of red, yellow before turning my eyes. The wind has found the Antartic.  We even have snow forcast for the mountains around us!!!!!!......This time was the hardest part of my first year....the lack of warmth from the sun, the lack of bear hugs from my son.  Mike and I share 'winter birthdays'.  It was easier when he was here.........

To the legals who make it their chosen profession to eke out each and every personal private detail and splay it out for all to see.........may you never find yourself in the darkness of the abyss that has in many ways become my prison.  In the event of your passing, may your family be allowed that one private place where their inner most emotions can be spoken without invasion from those who have no idea........

Quote from the summary by my companies Barrister "In essence your Worship (the judge) if it hadn't been for Mrs McLeods son Micheal dying on 18th January 2007 there would be no case at all.   

(a quote from my daughter a long time ago....."no **** einstein").

I know what I would have chosen.....

[daniellemom]

Trudi,

So glad to hear that the trail is over for you and that you WON!!! Great news!

[4everjoeysmom]

Trudi, My heart broke for you as I read how in the aftermath of even a court victory reality finds its place again and the despairing grief crashes in.  "Michael is not here."  For each one of us who has lost a child, the absolute finality in those words is crushing...  haunting....  My heart goes out to you as you cross this hurdle in the journey.  I give praise for the victory in court, as it clearly was a message that needed to be heard and you needed the truth behind you.  But I know it had to be very difficult to go through......   Bless you.

Eri's Mom, Reading some of your posts about your trial experiences, I am truly blessed and relieved that we didn't pursue any type of action with the railroad in Joey's death.  Your horrors have affirmed my suspicions, and I just don't know that my spirit could have taken that.  My heart goes out to you and your family for the tremendous amount of brutal suffering you were put through by these corporate shells without heart.  Hugs, Claudia

[johnnysmama]

Trudi-

I am soooooo happy it is OVER! Now may you find some peace and rest and time to for yourself.  The ray of sunshine was a HUGE hug from your son-remember the light is brightest in the dark.....

peace,kay

[briansdad]

Trudi,

How true triggers can be.Brian's birthday is this month.It was one of the happiest days of my life.All the smells of spring.The days getting longer.It makes me so happy and sad at the same time. Oh Well.

[daveydow1]

Mikesmum,  Trudi,

I am so glad that the trial is over, and that you WON. This had to be a

very exhausting, sad, and trying time for you, but you held up, and you

have won a victory for dear Michael.  Yes, the times after, there is a

huge letdown, but you spoke for Mike, and the skunks were made to see that

they could not just  "cover their behinds" and go on with business as

usual.  I pray you can get some much- needed sleep and pampering of

yourself, so you can find some peace & comfort in the days ahead.

                                                   Daveysmom,  Sherry    

  

[summergirl]

Trudi - what can I say that hasn't already been said by all the wonderful people on this site - BUT - YOU WON!!!! How bittersweet the victory! I can imagine the tears you have cried, the slaps in the face you have endured, the neverending saga of "**** head" lawyers but you, Mal and Micheal won and another turn on this road we walk has given you release. How I wish I could be there with you watching the leaves change colors, coffee by the sea, gentle winds blowing and just talking. I am there in spirit and hugging you with both arms.  I remember how bittersweet it was when we won full custody of Tavian after one and a half years of lawyer talk, adjounments, three different judges and coming home after each appearance and crying the whole way as we just wanted it to be over yet at the same time so afraid we would lose him - and when we finally got custody the tears were falling for a long time - tears of happiness that he was safe with us but tears of saddness that we had won because our daughter was no longer here to be mommy. Different court battle but the same bittersweet. hugs to you my friend.

I am so proud of you Micheal for giving your mum that beautiful ray of sunshine! Keep shinning bright and give my Jessica a hug for me.

Tavian went to therapy for the last time today - his therapist said he has adjusted so well with us that he no longer needs her - happy day! I however still need to go, she said I still have alot to overcome so I will continue. It truely helps me to talk to her about everything and she is tough on me yet gentle.

The new baby will be home this weekend if all goes well tomorrow - everything is fine with the adoption BUT the LAWYERS are dragging things out over something so small it is hard to believe. I did talk to Jen tonight and she said they have taken so many pictures when she suddenly realized that she had not taken one of the three of them so she set the timer on the camera and took the picture - she said "oh Kathy when I looked at the picture there was a perfect Orb sitting on Jason's shoulder, your Jessica was there!!"  She told me that if it had been a boy they were going to name him Jesse - she knew no matter what they were going to have Jessica's name for the baby - I am so honored and happy for them and so proud of my Jessica for being a light for them. As soon as I get a good picture I will post it, also need to post a new one of Tavian so you can see how much he has grown.

Time to put Tavian to bed so I will say good nite and hugs to all. Trudi I hope sleep comes to you and you get a well deserved rest. Kathy

[ericasmom]

Trudi Dear,

I did not have to fight in court more than once and twice with depositions. OUr battle lasted as the paperwork, the meetings with our lawyers, physchologists, and all those readying us for the big showdown in court...which never happened as the Judge, after 4 years of this bouncing about in the courts, with delays, and meetings with a liason between the two parties, the judge decided one day that we simply had no case with AMTRAK. We were shocked. That decision came one week before we were heading to Grand Rapids for what we were told could be a week of trial. And so we floated our case in the Federal Appeals Court and we ended up with an ending. It was setteled for not much but it was settled. At the very least, we hassled AMTRAK by not letting go as easily as they expected. So, yes it was a long fight, exhuasting too, but it is over and I am glad. The hardest part was each time, and there were many, when we had to get papers notarized and they all said that horrible thing on them; Erica Eileen Reith- deceased. I will never get used to that.

Claudia, I did not know thay your son was also affected by trains. I am sorry. You are right though, the feds do carry the rail systems, and they protect them. Peace to you my Dear.

Kathy, give Tavian a big hug from all of his Aunties and Uncles here on this site. He carries a bright light for us all, lifting you and therefore lifting us. It is in the children, that shiny glowing magic. How lovely that you have provided him the nurture that has helped mend his lovely heart.

Hugs to All. Oh Briansdad, my girl is an April child as well. The bittersweet of Spring. I love her birthday which is this Friday. She is 4-4-84. Outside the hospital where she lay for 6 days, stood a gorgeous sculpture. It depicted the seasons and was called Circle of Life. This is how it read;

 DORMANCY

She is north and waits in darkness

She is winter when all is still

She is earth listening for spring rain.

Let us listen for all the life affirming signs of spring for those in this hemisphere, and for the those on the underside of our season, may the colors of the end of growth promise you the cycle is unending.

[loveyoujustin]

Trudi~I have not posted in quite some time, but I felt the need to reach out and let you know of the peace I felt in my heart for you, something which I have not felt in a very long time.  Your ray of sunshine is "always with you."

Most of you do not know me. A while back I posted often on the loss of a teenager forum.  I found such comfort full of love and respect, that it got me through very dark days.  Lately, I've been very quietly reflecting on this heartbreaking journey, always filled with despair, yet I read almost every night each and every one of your posts.  I feel as I know all of you, and I want you to know how each and every one of you has guided me, and inspired me with your words of encouragement and faith in one another while I've tagged along on this path with all of you.  Thank you.  I am certain that I will soon join in your endearing conversations and circle of friendship if that is ok.  I find that through you, I am slowly seeing a reason for "hope and Peace" in my life, even though it is so very hard to find, or even want to find.  My wishes for peace and love in your hearts to all of you.   Our beautiful children are in Paradise, but they are also "always with us."             Trish

www.JustinScottWagnerMemorialFund.com

[mamabets]

For Trudi~ I am so grateful that this trial is over for you... YEAH!!!!!

Lawyers?? UGH!!!!!!!

Mike is with you forever and ever as you take each and every breath...He is the beat of your heart~

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For loveyoujustin~ Such overwhelming sadness, we all know this all too well~

We are here for you, and please know that often reading the posts can be as helpful as other things that are suggested by so many...

I know that keeping journals has helped me ~ I write "Hi Honey", and I write to Danny and tell him how I am feeling. I make sure that I write down all of the miracle signs that he shows me to let me know that he is with me still, just sooooooo differently...

I miss his voice~ I miss his hugs~ I miss his phone calls~ I miss everything. What he has gained in a paradise is beyond comprehension, so for his memory and so many loved ones, I carry on... 

I hear your hurt, I know it like I know my own name...

LOVE

mamabets

[mikesmum]

Betsy - I believe the journals help, to write thoughts and feelings to our beloved boys in some small way eases the ache.  Mikes memorial pages are that for me......to see them in court really hurt.  I can feel the ache of your heart in your post.......Think of you often.

Trish - It has been sometime since I have seen you post, thanks for your kind thoughts........I know in this past week, much of my strength has come from those who know me through this site and my never ending journey.  Hope faith and a peace of mind stem from within this site.....provided to those who grieve by those who know...........The paradise they found is just outside our reach.....but they are with us each and everyday.....

 

[briansdad]

Here is a video I made for a friend of mine in our parents group.

http://s32.photobucket.com/albums/d1/champion191/?action=view&current=laurie.flv

[holleigh]

Your video tribute was really beautiful.  They must have been very happy with it.  What software did you use?

~holleigh

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, Yes.  My son Joey was literally run over by a freight train...  We, his parents, could not bring ourselves to view him before asking our director to cremate his remains, as the trauma to his body was (as we understand it) beyond devastating...

There has been a lot of healing for us at the now 20 month mark.  But there will never, ever be a moment whan a train in passing will not hauntingly remind us of what was taken from our lives and how.  I am thankful where I live there are NO trains.  My dad has told me time and again, as he works very near tracks, that he is often caught in a moment when he hears trains pass.  I can't imagine going up against the Feds in a lawsuit..  Not sure it would have done any justice anyway, because truthfully Joey was where he shouldn't have been at the time of the tragedy.  But I certainly have a lot of respect for your family's tenacity and strength to have endured such a lengthy trial.  Bless you, Claudia

[heartbeataway]

Greg,

All I can say is Wow! You are good!  Thank you so much for sharing!  For Jason's Memorial Day I want to do a video. I can't come up with a song ........ time is getting close.  April 28th

Trudi -

I didn't mean to appear insensitive with my "Happy Dance" comment.  I know the victory was bittersweet. Please forgive me if I caused you any angst. Not knowing the full story, perhaps I should have been a little less colorful with my congrats. I apologize.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[briansdad]

holleigh

Adobe Premier

[kalimac]

Trudi ([user=17130] mikesmum[/user] )  I wanted to tell you that even though I am pretty silent here I wanted to yell when I read you had won your court case. I know it was bittersweet for you but at least the stress of the court case is now gone. I have not had to encounter any of the outside stresses since my son died from cancer, however, believe it or not, I am sometimes overwhelmed by everyones kindness. Which I am not complaining about, just pointing out. What made me think of this is when you said that you cried AFTER coming home from the court case. Well . . I am perfectly fine when people come up and talk to me about my son . . and give me tokens or books or give donations in his memory. I thank them, smile politely, and when I am alone . . the tears cannot stop . . I don't exactly know why . . a teacher I work with has a father who is a well known childrens author . . I work had been working as a childrens librarian . .but am now just working part time in the library and doing recess duties. Today he gave me an armload of his fathers work all autographed in memory of my son . . I was fine until I got out in the car and than cried all the way home. It was all very sweet and meaningful . . but . . geesh . . I just really, really want my son back. So even in the midst of kindness . . it is all so bittersweet. Of course I'd rather have this problem than what you have faced . . you are so courageous . . beyond purple . . beyond blue . .

Peace to you.

Patty R

Mom to Nathan

11.13.87 - 2.11.08

[loveyoujustin]

Hi again,  thanks for your replies!  I do keep a journal written to Justin.  Somedays I am just so overwhelmed that I can't even bring myself to write, other days the words don't stop.  I also keep a "memory notebook."  When I think of a memory, and there too, there a millions, but somedays my mind races with them, and other days I can't think of anything!  I'm sure you know what I mean.

Greg:  the touching video tribute was such a beautiful gesture.  I'll just truly never understand why certain souls are chosen to leave at what seems to be way too soon!

Peace and Love,   Trish

[kalimac]

[user=19605]holleigh[/user] - We havn't 'met' on here . . but my 20 year old son died from a rare childhood abdominal sarcoma (diffuse throughout the body cavity) in February after a three year battle. I am so sorry about your little girl and all that you are going through. I know you mentioned feeling guilt for 'causing' her accident .. and I just wanted to reassure you that . .directly or indirectly . . real or not . . every single parent here feels exactly the same way. I know that right now those words probably don't bring you much comfort and peace . . but you loved your little girl and that's all that is important. I recall when my son was first diagnosed and was so horrified that I had been dismissing his complaints for over a month. I recall that he once said he couldn't figure out what this lump was around his belly and he had me push on it . . why didn't I know than that something was terribly wrong . . but I didn't have anything to reference it with . . it made no sense to me because Nathan was a healthy, active 17 year old boy still playing sports . . he was working weekends and going to school too. Cancer never occurred to me. And when he was diagnosed as a stage IV . . I felt so guilty . . why didn't I follow up on it a month earlier . . he might have lived had I done that. That is just a small example of the guilt that comes with being a Mom and finding out your child has a life threatening illness. there are plenty more.  We all have guilt  . . we're mothers and we feel we should have been able to protect our children from harm. But we're human too. My son basically let me off the hook . .whenever I would start to moan about this topic . .he would say . . "How could you know . . you couldn't . . it's not your fault . . it's not anyones fault . . it just happens."  He never blamed me or anyone for his cancer.

[user=19605]holleigh[/user] there is a mother that I know who lost her daughter around Thanksgiving. She was 15 years old and had the same type of cancer that my son had. However, she was actually in remission from desmoplastic sarcoma . . and developed a secondary cancer, Leukemia. She passed away from treatment related cancer. Her mother has asked me for your permission to use your beautiful adaptation of The Club . . the poem you wrote for your daughter. She would like to use it in the Grief group that she attends and she has also asked permission to use it in The Relay for Life event that she is doing in her daughters memory. (I am a member of a DSRCT support group of caregivers and parents and I shared The Club and the poem that you wrote with that group. Those who have lost children to this cancer - and there are many since the disease is uniformly fatal - the parents loved this poem.)

Peace to you, sweetie.

Patty R

Mom to Nathan, dx dsrct sarcoma

11.13.87 - 2.11.08

http://www.caringbridge.org/me/nathan