Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Donnamaria, if you can, be happy for the good things starting to take place in your family...Victor sees it all happening and is most likely, thrilled by it. Try to remember the dreams you have had, he is letting you know that he loves you and is fine now.

[Bea8924]

Skay I am sorry for your loss. Hope you stay hear with us and find some comfort in knowing you are not alone. I am new in my grief. My 4yr old passed away may14 from what I thought were flu like symptoms. I am a good listener and will offer help if I can give it.

Yesterday was the first time I touched my daughter's ashes. I placed them in a heart shaped necklace I was given. It's nice to have a piece of her with me everywhere I go. Because that's how it was when she was here, always with me. I miss having her with me. Lookin and touching her ashes made me feel sad. I can't believe this is all I have left of her. I was surprised to see that ashes consisted of dust and tiny bone looking fragments.  This is my first loss, I never dealt with a death before. Everything is new to me. For example, we just had a memorial for her. Her body was originally not to be viewed by anyone. We didnt want her final resting place to be the way she was remembered, then we changed our mind and it was only to be my mom. She changed my mind to see her for the last time. I didnt want to remember my daughter in her final resting place but im glad i did see her because it made it real. The last time i seen her before her memorial was whem i stopped CPR and they were taking her into the ambulance. Then we decided to make it so that only immediate family view her. No one was there when she was cremated and only my husband, son and daughter were present to received her ashes. I'm told this isn't normally how things are done. Looking back now I would have let more people view her body cause now I understand that it also helps as a way to heal. At the moment I was only thinking about myself. I feel bad for my daughter's sitter cause she didn't get a chance to say her last goodbye. Her passing was so unexpected that not many had her last moment with her. Including myself. Even though I was with her through everything. I NEVER thought she would pass away. So in a sense, I know she's gone but sometimes I feel so numb. I read about you ladies crying everyday that it makes me think differently about my grieving. Why have I stopped shedding tears when it's still too soon? I cry but it's only when I think about my children having to grow up without their sister, or when I see my husband cry for the daughter he loved soo much! But I think about the memories with her now, look at videos and pictures and I don't cry. Have I held in my emotions for so long that I only know how to be strong now? My husband still cries everyday and I'm strong for him. I think I always held my tears in cause I didn't want my son to see me cry and now i just feel numb, with a heavy heart. I don't think I took the time to grieve cause I had to be mom to a 6yr old and 5month old. I just have a ball of mixed  feelings but I had to get it out cause it does me no good to keep my feelings bottled up. Sorry for the long read.

[Skay]

just reading the replies to my post is so comforting to me. My husband is not Trey's dad and although he has been so very supportive he doesn't understand (I'm very glad he hasn't gone through this). But just today he told me I sound so sad. I told him I am very sad and will he for a long time. Thank y'all so much for taking the time to write. I'm afraid I will be on here a lot since I've found this site. I am going to encourage my ex-husband to come here also. This is a picture of Trey. I miss him so much!

[donnamaria]

Skay very handsome young man your Trey

[ericasmom]

Trey is beautiful...My Daughter will be hanging out with him for sure...dancing, playing loud music, laughing...It is hard Skay for couples to endure a loss like this, hard for couples that are parents together and hard for those that did not parent the child together...my husband is not the father of my kids  either and because he never had kids, it was not easy on him to understand the depth and breadth of my ache and loss...though he did learn and I am grateful of that. It was not easy though, and sometimes he felt lacking I am sure, for not being able to cheer me...but grief is forever, not always raw like now for you Newbies, but we never let go of the Kids, we carry them with us for all of time, and the sadness is going to integrate one day into your life, but for a long while, it needs to be expressed and discussed.

Bea, you answered your own questions in your post, wondering why you don't cry much and why you feel numb...you could not fully grieve Bea, you are the MOM of two other Kids and your whole purpose has been to try to make sure of them, you also have been taking care of your husband, and so you were kind of on delay. Often couples take turns, unknowingly, to grieve, so that one can more fully grieve while the other takes care of the house and kids, and then somehow they switch. You are probably experiencing a layer of shock wearning away as well, which is bound to happen in increments when we lose a Child suddenly...so when we lose a layer of shock, we lose energy and may feel agitated more easily, we get sad or numb and we feel weighted down by our broken hearts...remember that this grief will morph over time and you will travel through all the many phases of it when you can, when you feel you can immerse yourself in some time to be alone and grieve. It may wait until your Son is back in school, it may come before then...and also remember that some people don't cry as much as others...it does not mean you are not grieving, we are all of us different and so we grieve differently too. No right or wrong way to grieve. As far as the memorial and the visitation, you didn't let others down by not having more people view your Girl, you did what was right at the time for you and your family. Don't beat yourself up Bea, you are a loving and caring person with a big heart, your Girl is proud of you.

[My girl is in heaven]

Skay, I’m so so sorry for the loss of you precious boy. And thanks for sharing a picture of Trey, he is a nice looking boy.  My 17year old daughter collapsed and suddenly died 7 years ago and her angel date is June 19th too. And our friend Collen , her son Brian also shares June 19th as his angel date. So now there will be three of us to hold tight to each other on that day ever year. I’m glad you found your way here, there is nothing but warm compassionate parents who are at various stages of this awful journey none of us wanted to be on. I think most us us have thought of or tried to end our lives at one point or more, just to be with our child again.  But my minister told me time in heaven is not measured in days, months, years like here on earth, it is eternity time so our children want us to wait til it is our time.  I had no plan of being here 7 years after my daughter died, but yet some how I am standing and mostly because of finding this site.  Right now just breathe, and don’t thin’ too far ahead, only taking on a day, or an hour or even only a minute if that’s all you can do.  Fininding a good counsellor is good as long as it is someone you click with, if not move on til you find the right one. No one here is a trailered counsellor or social worker but thier words transcend beyond what ever any one else can say because they are living this path, come here as much as you want, tell us more about your beautiful boy.  I am living proof , as are all of us, that a pinhole of light is going to come and while you’ll never forget him, you will see the light again.  Remember you do not have to walk this journey alone. Let grief take its course as it will and keep coming here to lean on us. So you, me and Collen are now angel date friends. Hugs to you friend

Bea. When my kira collapsed in the tub and died, I had to pull her lifeless body out of the tub, I knew she was already gone, and stood there very calm as the police, firefighters, ambulance people swarmed my house.  I very calmly and deliberately answered all the police men’s questions . I went to hospital where dr confirmed what I already knew, and again being grilled by detectives at the hospital. Funeral planning, funeral itself, burial.  And not one single, solitary, tear.  If someone had of kicked me in the head I could just simply not cry.  I thought what kind of an awful mother was I and just about a month ago my new psychiatrist told me there is fight, flight, but also the third choice freeze, where your brain automatically goes into this mood to protect yourself and you are also consciously aware that your melt down would be so hard on my loved ones  around me. Of course my break down came a few weeks after, while getting g in the shower when  it just hit me. So if you aren’t crying tears on the outside and believe me you still will, you are crying them on the inside.  Tears are good when they come, so let them out. But if they aren’t rolling down your face, they are rolling down your heart.  Keep coming here and lean on us as much as you want.

Luanne".......Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Mumtogeorge...take that glint and hold onto it tight. Cause we never know when we’ll get the next one.  Glad to here you are doing a little better even though your grief is so new and raw.  Good on you friend.  

Donna Marie.  What a wonderful loving relationship you and Victor shared. You loved each other so.  I think Victor can still be happy about things happening in your family. Cause he has his own kind of happiness and peace  now.  No more pain and no tears in heaven.  Let yourself know that every single day. You are still so new and raw, but one baby step at a time. Hugs

Peggy and margee.  How you two doing. Peggy, it’s ok to cry every day, it wil not always be so. My new doctor says tears are good. But your moving ahead ever so slightly and that is good.  Margee,hope you are finding a little comfort and peace now. It does come in dri bs  and drabs.   How hot is it in Texas. You are warm all year around right? hugs to you both

Luanne,,,,Kira’s mama

 

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Virgina. I wasn’t  with my daughter when she took her last breathe either. But a doctor told me one minute she was saying hey her I am  having a shower and the next she would be saying here I am heaven so I agree with you that they were already safely with god, before we had to e xperience wha happened.   How r the move plans going, I’m so happy for you.

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Hey Gretchen.  Haven’t  heard from you inawhile, but hope your still reading. Thinking of you today, July 3rd, on Forests angel date.  He died exactly 33 days after my Kira, so we are in the same time on our journey.  But this year I just thought how can this angel date hurt me anymore that the past 6 have.  I hope Forest sprinkles a little sun shine down on his mama today so you know he is ok.  I love that picture of him sitting in that restaurant.  If you can please share it again today.  Take care and we’d love to hear from you.  My heart is with you today and we are sending lots of hugs your way.  

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[Rebekahs mom]

I am so sorry skay for your loos of your beautiful son Trey.

I lost my 21 yr old daughter dec 17/17 due to ? Accidental Drug overdose (still waiting toxicology report).

Its been a rocky 6 months. Like you, my husband is not her biological father and at times i feel he doesnt miss her like i do. We were close and were more like sisters. I have been going to counselling which feel has helped. Online support is beneficial as well.

Sarah

[Tommy's mum]

skay my son Tommy had just turned 24. he helped a friend move into dorm rooms at college and they had a small impromptu party to celebrate. One of Tommy's friends had a psychotic break and climbed out onto the window ledge 13 stories up and was going to jump. he was distraught and very unstable and had drunk a few beers. The police could not enter thr room because every time they tried he got more distressed so they allowed Tommy and ted to stay with him and try and talk him down to safety. Tommy saw he was really going to jump so he climbed out and held his hand. he talked him down but as they were climbing back in the window shattered and they both fell. patrick had severe injuries but survived and is working now although he carries a heavy mental burden. My son was critically injured and arrested in the ambulance for the first time. The ER doctors tried really hard but Tommy's injuries were too many and too severe and he passed away there. This happened in Hawaii where he was living and we are in the UK so there was a delay with a police investigation etc etc. We had not seen tommy for 4 years because we lived in different countries and neither of us had money for flights. when I saw him in the funeral home I just lost it i was terrified of seeing him but also desperately wanted to at the same time. My kids went at different times to say goodbye to their brother it was their choice. It was pretty bad although he looked peaceful and unmarked apart from a wrapped broken arm. I too have only had my grandmother die although I saw deaths as a nurse but when it is your own family it is very different. It did help to see him it was just his empty shell left behind I know his spirirt walks alongside me every minute of every day and i do not need a grave to mourn at although I do have a special place. We are all DIFFERENT in the ways we mourn or memorialise in the ways we cope, in everything we do to survive grief and try to get through it.

bea There is no right or wrong way to grieve we each find how we need to do it and even family members differ. just because you don't cry does not mean you are not weeping inside for your loss. it is important to find someone you can let it all out with and often that is a therapist or church person because family can get too upset. many of us have wanted to shrivel up and die but cannot voice that because of fear of upsetting others and in reality may not mean it. here you are understood by other parents who walk in your shoes and know the crazy roller coaster ride of emotions and thoughts. Your trey was a handsome young man. Remember he is always with you he has not gone and you will see him again one day and hold him in your arms just not in this lifetime ok? stay strong.

donnamaria your whole life was wrapped up in Victor helping him with his needs and being with him so it will be a huge adjustment for you to have that huge hole in your life not spending time at appointments or thinking about victor and what he needed, it will take time to get used to that. stay strong he is always with you and where he is he is happy and well again.

mumto george veronica peggy and all the other grieving parents, you are doing just fine. grief is a long unpredictable journey full of ups and downs know you are all supported here by your friends. Take heart stay strong and remember you have already been through the worst thing in the world already so take it a day at a time ok?

[donnamaria]

Having a bad day today just keep crying i miss victor so much tomorrows the 4th and im thinking how i would go down to the park and get him something to eat and bring it back to him how he would tell me mom you got packages coming in the mail i hope you like what i got you my heart is breaking so bad right now im having trouble with my phone and victor was always the one to fix any issues i had with electronics its just so over whelming my heart is so broken 

[shorty16]

OMG....This makes total sense to me know.

although she knew what was happening to her body her soul had already departed and she was with my mom. I believe with all my heart that our babies spirits are pulled from their bodies and so there is no fear, it is just their shell left behind. 

Brian's soul passed through me BEFORE I went to the accident scene.  However, when I arrived at the scene, his body was moving, he was kicking his legs.  I thought "he is still alive."  But he was not.  Also, I felt No Fear when Brians soul passed through me.  None, nothing, it was wonder, I cannot even explain the feeling.  Almost happy to be there and explore more.  All of this feeling in about .5 seconds.

WOW...Mind-blown.

Thank you

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ericasmom]

A good mind blow! Erica lived for 6 days after she was struck, but was not in her body, I told everyone that came to the trauma center, she is sitting on the rail of the headboard, near all the machines that measure her with beeps and pings, she is tinkerbell, a tiny being with wings.

[shorty16]

Donnamaria,

yes, the beginning of this grief is filled with "what do I do now?"  I walked around in a daze, not knowing what do do with myself.

As time goes on, we forge a life without the physical presence of our child, but we learn to incorporate them into our lives.

Hang on my friend.  Sometimes, it is 1 breath at a time.  We are here for you.  We have walked this path before you.  Be kind to ourself.  For me, new experiences was where I became a bit free.  Nothing to compare..

for you, it may be different.

Hang on

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

[ericasmom]

Today marks 15 years since I shared a meal with my girl, she came over for dinner before she was going to head downtown with her old friends for the fireworks, Chicago did a July 3 and 4th show...she drove in from Kalamazoo inher very old Cadillac, and we had little pizzas together...then she drove home the next day to Kalamazoo and surprised me with a visit on the 6th, a Sunday, a wonderful surprise, bringing with her two of her new friends from Kalamazoo, they were lovely. Sarah and Heather. These are the days that march toward her date of leaving...she was struck on the 8th, died on the 14th. Those that know me well, know our story, that in April of 2003, I woke with 3 horrible nightmares, woke screaming that something was about to get Erica, but my husband saId, NO, just my getting used to her living away...but I knew and the year prior, I had told my best buddy Kay, that I felt Erica was not going to live long. I told my husband too. Then In May, I had one more horrendous nightmare, that I was giving her eulogy at the church I took my kids to when they were young, an all faiths open and affirming church. In June, my sister Mare and I went to visit our other sister in sourhtern Georgia, (she has since moved back) but while there I felt compelled almost urged to tell my sisters that I felt that Erica was not going to live a long life, that it would be short. Neither of them could listen much, they knew that I had had the nightmares, they knew that sometimes my premonitions came to be...while there, we saw a memorial growing around an old live-oak tree, all these teens gathering and crying and laying flowers, the night before there was a high speed crash into the giant tree, their friend, a young woman, died at the scene...I think we were on Jeyckl Island that day, and all I could do that night upon returning to Eileen's home, was look up the facts about the accident...I remember saying that I just don't understand what her family was supposed to do now, how do they cope with a loss like this, an 18 year old girl...two weeks later it was our lives changed forever by a crash as well...it was us having to learn how to cope.

[ericasmom]

FOREST! Oh Forest, sit upon your Mom's shoulder today and sing and laugh and make sure she feels  your presence...let your siblings know too, that you are there for them in this different way...

Gretchen, I hope that people are raising a glass to Forest today,letting him feel the love all around his memory and his spirit.

and here for Forest is the song and musician that so reminds me of your Boy...

 

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Gretchen, if you are reading...please know that I am thinking of you on this special day. There is and will be only one Forest...with his unique and flamboyant personality! Let us know how you are doing.  

[My girl is in heaven]

Dee, what a beautiful song. Thanks for sharing.  Gretchen I never knew your Forest but after listening to that song I felt like I had an idea of what a free and beautiful soul he as and still is.  Hope you were able to find a bit of light today.

Lesley, Colleen and Dee. Your stories still stir my soul. I never had any feelings like that when Kira died but have lately head her words, felt her presence on her angel date.  I figure if I told anyone I heard my girl they would lock me up.  But I so did hear her.  I was telling my doctor today and he said, I’m not crazy, but it is just that now I am open to hear and feel these things.  The experience is so amazing, isn’t it.  I’m going to listen to that song for Forest again.  Have a good evening everyone. 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

 

[Bea8924]

A quote I found and can understand....

"Before the loss of a child life was an ocean of happiness with an islands of sadness"

"After the loss of a child life is an ocean of sadness with an islands of happiness."

[Tommy's mum]

gretchen thinking of you today as you go through Forrest's angel date. You have not posted in a while probably because the sadness starts before and there is also some dread of how you will be feeling on that day. Know he is always with you he is healthy and happy and will be with you physically one day in the future ok?

colleen we can still get omg moments even long after as sometimes things fall into place and there is some understanding, maybe not all questions answered but something clicks. What a gift that you felt Brian's soul pass through you. I had always worried about Tommy his impulsive nature and thrill of pushing himself to limits (his ADHD) and when he was using drugs before I was so afraid. But he was clean and sober for a long time and happy and settled so his sudden death was such a shock. i felt him with me at his funeral and knew he was not gone just in a different place where i could not see him but he was still there. The way you describe coming a bit free is true, we gradually shake off anger and unfairness and accept slowly that this is now our new life, one where we sorrow more gently and have memories of the precious time we did have with our children.

donnamaria yes my friend it is so hard so painful in that first year as you are forced to adapt to a new way of life without Victor. we know and understand your pain and anguish and sorrow along with you. Hang on like Colleen said it will gradually ease but it is still early days and adjustment takes time. grief has to be acknowledged for healing to take place for the future.

dee I bet Eri's tinkerbell dress was pink right?!  I can picture her as you described sitting on the headboard swinging her legs. That song was very moving thanks for sharing. How strange that you knew erica would pass on so young, such tragedy. these next few days will be filled with memories for you as her accident and angel days approach and i am sending you hugs because they are painful days that remind you of all that was then. your uplifting advice and kind words are so helpful to us all as we go through the grief journey ourselves your generosity is unmatched.

bea I remember feeling like an island alone in an ocean of sadness, feeling I had split away from everyone else in my family and on my own in a wilderness. very descriptive quote. The grace and kindness you show to others when you are still so new to grief yourself is special.

louanne it must be such a relief to be able to feel and experience things again after so long locked away in your grief. Your strength and courage have just been waiting to come out and help you on a different path in life. i can see Kira pulling you along with her telling you "Come on Mom let's go! it is time for new experiences it will be ok I'm here". Just know that this is the right way for your personal growth and happier times are ahead even if the path is rocky.

rebekahsmom margarett peggyand sunshine princess I am glad you are still  here and sharing even if you do not post you are all held in our thoughts.

[My girl is in heaven]

Happy 4th of July my American friends.  They were celebrating on the young and restless yesterday and even though I’m not American, I feel so proud to have so many friends from the states, wonderful friends who all walk this path together. I believe you call this independ ence day as well as birthday.  In Canada we just call it Canada’s birthday and celebrate on July 1st.  Kate, didn’t it used to be called dominion day at what time? Anyway have a wonderful day everyone. And you July moms know that we will be holding your hands when your days come along.  Hugs to everyone. 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[donnamaria]

Please keep in your prayers today as today is gonna be a rough day for me its my birthday and when victor was here with me i would go to the park and get him some food and bring it home for me i already know he was planning on getting me a cake bacause he asked me what flavor i wanted and of course it would be decorated in minnesota vikings and he would be so happy watching me open the gifts he would order me on line there would always be something of our beloved vikings oh this day is going to be so hard instead of seeing his handsome face i will be visiting him at the cemetary i think some family members want to stop over not sure how i can handle that not sure how to handle much of anything anymore all i know is that i miss victor so much my heartaches i love him so very much 

[Bea8924]

Donnamaria: I too had a birthday after my daughter's passing...10days after actually. So I know that there may not be much "happy" to this birthday. I hope Victor gives you some sort of sign today. My daughter did, I went to the lake to see the sun rise and video recorded it. Looking back at the video the sun rays made an angel form. I took that as my daughter's gift to me. 

Besides today being independence day it is also my father's birthday. We have BBQ's planned yo attend and fireworks to light up but my husband woke up sad without wanting to do anything or go anywhere. I want to support him but o also want to be with my dad cause he took my daughter's passing hard as well. Not only that but he was there to see me at my worst. So as a parent I know the feeling of never wanting to have your child suffer. So I'm stuck between a to k and a hard place. Stay with my husband or be there for my dad? Hope I can try to convince my husband to get out of bed. At least for the sake of our children. My son is excited to pop fireworks and this is my daughter's first 4th of July but I understand it's a hard day cause last year we had our daughter and popped fireworks with her. Well I hope u all have a safe 4th. 

[ericasmom]

Bea, follow your heart...I know you want to support the ache in your husband, but you also have family who want to support your heart, and the kids' hearts. It is a choice, not an easy one I know...maybe your husband can come for an hour later on...but I do believe that if your inclination is to go see your Dad on his birthday and 4th of july, to go. You can't make your husband react differently, and as we all know, resentment can set in if we are quieted by our spouse or others.

DonnaMaria, may you feel Victor on this birthday, may you feel some sense of goodness and his freedom which truly is a gift to a man whose body has hurt for so long...he is flying freely.

[donnamaria]

right now im watching christain movies on tv because i think would of liked that some members of my family are going to the park but im not ready for that so i will spend a quiet day here at home its gonna be rough but im not ready to be with people just yet so i will sit here and pray some how God gets me through this day with out my sweet boy oh how i love and miss him

[NiquesMom]

Happy birthday donnamaria. I know it is hard,  don't feel like celebrating, but know that Victor is standing next to you,  cheering you on,  helping you and holding you up.  Take it easy. 

[NiquesMom]

Bea, i hope you find some peace today,  between your husband and your dad.  Grief is different for everyone,  and is hard to try to make others happy when we are grieving too.  Follow your heart,  and remember is ok to not be ok. 

[NiquesMom]

Ericasmom, what a beautiful song.  How kind you are too everyone,  remembering the names and dates. I hope the days before and after Erica angelversary are calm and peaceful,  in fact I wish all days to be like that.  I know they can't but I can still wish. 

They say we have to experience adversity and hardship to grow spiritually.  Well let me tell you,  I think we have all experienced enough.  I went through the loss of my parents and grandparents and that was bad enough.  This is 1000 times harder.  I hope I have grown enough.  I worry now about losing my husband and son.  They are the only reason I can continue.  My daughter got me through my mother's death,  my son is getting me through my daughters death.  If I lose them,  I don't know what I would do. 

Sorry,  rambling. 

[Sholl1955]

Hello dear friends,

It has been a really long time since I have posted.  Things have been very busy since I last posted.   I have been reading sporadicallly but did get caught up tonight.   I am so sorry to see all of the new members and am so very sorry for your loss, but you have come to a loving and caring group to support you as you walk a journey you never wanted or imagined.  

We have been quite busy since April.   We were given the opportunity to move from a small apartment where we have lived since a year after Sarah died.  We had sold our home and moved into Sarah's home to care for her and stayed to help with the girls for a year after she passed.     It is soooooo good to be in a home again.   I am not a good apartment dweller and we have a cute, comfortable little home with a very peacful back yard that looks out into a wooded area.

Hubby has done well with the move and loves sitting on the deck with the dogs and watching nature.   He asked often when I was going to get us a house again, and cried when I told him we were getting one.    But the dementia continues it's journey robbing him more and more of his memory and I see him drawing inward.   It is heartbreaking at times, but so glad I have him at home.  He has good caregivers while I work and  is loved on b so dy Rachel and Jason and all of the grandchildren on a regular basis.

We found out yesterday that Rachel has to have a breast biopsy on the 16th.   She is tested every 6 months since Sarah was diagnosed.  The doctor feels this is a benign area but she needs the biopsy to be sure.    The doctor is offering positive reassurance and we are all praying that it is indeed benign but I know Rach is terrified and I keep hearing Sarah's doctor saying that she was 99.9% sure that hers was just a cyst.   We have a roller coaster of emotions for sure.     I apologize for this being kind of a depressing post.  But I just needed to share with friends who can understand.

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone.  

Sandy

[ericasmom]

Sandy, as always, my heart smiles when I see you here...your life has been very busy and I am glad for your new setting. I am sorry that the dementia continues its march, you have been such a strong source of love and hope for everyone in your family, and i hear it in your words today, that more strength is needed. I will pray in amoement that Rachel has nothing more than a benign cyst...and that is all there is to it. Peace Sweet Friend.

Thanks Virginia, actually I am terrible at remembering, somebody mentioned Forest's angel date but Forest looks so much like the singer and musician from the band, Rusted Root, and that video has been a favorite of mine for years...so uplifting and so spiritual...the boy becomes an angel...it just speaks volumes to me. My students learned that song from all the times I played it in class and performed it for me at the end of the year, using all sorts of instruments from our music department...glorious. I am always happy when others enjoy that song.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I found this article by Rebecca Carney which describes what many bereaved parents experience with others who have not had child loss. My family was simply abandoned after so long after Jesse died, after "expectations" were not met. Hidden expectations of how one should behave in child loss. The loss of your child is so individual as the bond you shared with that child is individual. If a person has not had this great loss, there is simply no clue as to the devastation we live with every day...and how much energy it requires just to do what is required to maintain in this life. I have also found myself becoming much more guarded, with little tolerance to the seemingly small nasty remarks that others make - in my case, the person has a bad habit of doing this. In the past, I overlooked it but it is just so tiresome, and I don't have the energy to deal with it. 
Here is the link to the article:
https://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/2016/07/17/trust-once-broken-is-not-easily-mended/

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

To all the newcomers, I am sorry for the loss of your beloved child---the parent's I have met on this site have been truly wonderful and offered their hearts and hope when the days were so dark. Bea8924, I agree totally with your post of how sadness used to be islands, it is hard to adjust...
I am hoping to read a bit more...I still hold down 2 jobs so my time became more limited. 

I see many had marker days...I think of all our angel children ... and the bonds that we parents here have formed. Colleen, thanks for sharing the story of Brian's spirit -- as he brought some measure of comfort to you in the way he could...

I will be catching up a bit later...Thinking and sending gentle thoughts to you all.

[donnamaria]

each day gets harder and harder i miss my son so much he was such a big part of my life i just dont know how to get through this pain i dont understand Gods plans if he was going to take why couldnt he give him  some joy on earth for awhile why did he have to suffer with his illnesses why coulnt he let us do the things we wanted this summer why couldnt we expirence that joy its just not fair i just want him back i love him so much my life is so empty with out him 

[ericasmom]

DonnaM, it is not uncommon for each day to feel worse, it is the nature of shock and how it leaves us and what pain is left in its place. Hang on, your Boy would expect you to hang on and know that you will be okay, he is nearby, just in a new way.

[donnamaria]

thank you dee im trying im really trying this pain is so hard 

[ericasmom]

There is nothing more difficult and nothing more painful but we are proof that we can get through this hardest of times, it takes a long while and a lot of our energy, so take very good care of yourself, drink plenty of water and juice, eat some meals that include protein and get outside every day if you can.

[MargeeTx]

Thank God, June is over.  Way too many special days that were very difficult.  I see several new folks... I am so sorry that this will become a very special place.  Without the love and kindness that I have received from everyone here, I know I would have taken my own life, several times.  Yesterday was a real bummer.  Jason always smoked a Boston butt ( 12-16 hours), usually all night before the 4 th.  Us women folks cooked all the trimmings, including my homemade ice cream.  Mike and I simply went out to dinner, came home, and watched  A Capital 4th on PBS.  I am heading into the 6th month, and I still think of Jason everyday....many times every day.  If I see a new looking blackFORD 150 pickup, I look....thinking... maybe it Will be him, and all of this has been a horrible nightmare.  I know.....denial.  

I wish I had some great, soothing words for you, that so many people give to us here.  Instead,  I feel like a blubbering idiot.  But , inside of my broken heart I do have feelings of sadness,.....and, some hope.  

xxoomargarett

[Tommy's mum]

margarett think how far you have come already. yes it is a really rough journey that is scary and painful but now you are seeing some small chinks of light which show hope. hope is what keeps us going, hope that we can get through all this intact hope that there will be some days when we can feel brief spells of happiness and hope for a future we were not sure at one time we would see. You are doing just fine I promise, and your story helps others  too.

thinking of all those young boys trapped in the caves in Thailand and really hoping they will be rescued safely. Stories about children always touch my motherly heart more than others.

cannot believe it is july now the summer is racing past. I am trying to store up good energy to sustain me through the Autumn and winter when my spirits always drop dramatically. It is important to be grateful for the little pleasures in life like being able to pick flowers from my garden, appreciating butterflies and bees and enjoying scents from Nature like sweetpeas and honeysuckle. August is my nemesis month with both Tommy's birthday and angel date but now I have started psychotherapy I hope it will be easier.

[shorty16]

After Brian's death,  I would try to say this to myself each morning.  "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it"

Many times, I did not feel like being happy, but I knew if I kept repeating this, after a while I may feel this way.

It worked for me, most of the time.  I still get my cry on, but not as often and the recovery is quicker.  I still try to say this, because, being happy, can be a hard thing.

My arms are wrapped around all those that are hurting.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks Lesley for the screenshots and your continued encouragement to others. Your posts are always so caring and compassionate.

Margarett, it is good to have the holiday behind...it was a relief to me...I have a second job in retail so I worked the day...it made the day go by and not as much time to think.

Donna Marie, I am sorry for the loss of your son, Victor. There are many caring parents that I have met here, they along with so many others provided comfort to my heart...hold on. Hugs.

Virginia, I read your story of the passing of your daughter and how you could feel her spirit in the passing.... I am sorry for your loss, many of us have had those end of life experiences that give us the knowledge that our loved ones continue on....

Sandy, it was good to see your post. It sounds like the move was a positive direction for your family. I know how hard you have struggled with managing all of the family tasks besides the grief.

Susan, Kate, Gretchen, and Sherry hope all is well with you all! 

Thank you Colleen for your encouragement and sharing of Brian's story.

Dee, thinking of you as you near Erica's date. You have been a lifesaver to me. 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

All, I am still reading through the old posts....for some reason I get locked out of the site every so often...and have to wait to come back on...

Blog Post on how one mom honors her son using candles. My mom (also a double child loss - uses candles for remembrance and comfort.)

http://survivinggrief.blogspot.com/2008/12/todds-candle.html

[donnamaria]

We have two beagles Hunter James and Hildee Viking Victor loved those two dogs every night Hildee lays in the dinning room at bed time she doesnt come in the living room where victor slept i think shes waiting for him to come through the door after dialysis or a dr appointment like he use to do me and her wait for the same thing her that he comes through the door me that one day he comes and gets me and takes me with him Hunter well he doesnt know what to do with his self we all love and miss Victor

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Donna Maria, I am a dog owner too. Animals understand their world at an intuitive level. I have read many stories of pets waiting for their owners or standing guard at their owner's grave site. My son had a cat Betty who was very loyal to him. In less than a year she got sick and I had to put her down. I always felt it was her calling to be with him there.

[Bea8924]

Donna Marie, my Nezzy had a cat that would always sleep with her. After he passing the cat used to sleep on her bed, almost like if he was waiting for her. So I understand you completely.

Update: I ended up going with my dad for his bday. I convinced my husband to tag along. I told him " you think you're gonna get a sign from Nezzy being stuck at home?" And as we are walking out the door and into the garage. A butterfly flew in and flew around my husband. He has been seen plenty of butteflys lately. When we were singing my dad happy birthday. We got a little sad. Cause my dad loved Nezzy so much. She would follow him and tag along with him on all his errands so being there without her was sad and you could tell my dad was sad but he didn't want to show it. My husband felt my dad's pain. So after we cut the cake we pretty much left cause we didn't want to make anyone cry like we wanted to. But the whole 4th of July Nezzy was missed. It's a little taste of What s to expect of the holidays to come. I know it's gonna be harder and I have to prepare myself for whats to come.  On a brighter note, I found another penny yesterday. It was heads up, 2013 (her birth year) and it's the 7th penny I found. Lucky number seven sent down from heaven. 

[ericasmom]

Laurie, oh my goodness, thank you for posting a photo of my Girl, that was taken at my wedding to her StepDad...love that you thought of us. We are heading qickly into what I term: Holy week, from the 8th through the 14th, hit by train, and died dates...but actually, from the 3rd, last dinner together to the 6th when she surprised me with another visit, through the 18th, her funeral...so JULY is my month for sure, the month of both holiness and loss, of magic in her visits to the magic among all of her friends who gathered on the lawns of the Trauma Hospital those 6 days...thank you Laurie.

[donnamaria]

Hugs to all as we go through the most difficult journey of our lives 

[donnamaria]

I think Victor would be happy with me today i actually mailed out forms i was suppose today 

[ericasmom]

Bea, I am glad that you found a way to unite the family, good for you, and good for Nezzy and her pennies from heaven.

DOnnaM, good and yes, Victor is proud of you.

[Bea8924]

Dee, I'm sorry to learn your angel date is approaching. Erica is beautiful. Love the picture of her. How old was she in that picture?