Members donnamaria Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 same thing happened to me mermaid tears Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members My girl is in heaven Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 I am so saddened and overwhelmed at all you new moms on this grief journey. Donna Marie, your Victor knew you were there always for him It makes no difference whether you were there in the room right at his moment of passing. God called his name and he slipped away peacefully knowing his mama loved him so dearly. There is nothing he has to forgive you for. I know there are reminders popping up all the time but they won’t always be as painful as they are right now. I’m a hockey fan (of course cause I am from Canada eh) so I don’t know who the Vikings are. But you keep watching them knowing your Victor ‘s spirit and light are right beside you on the couch. Jaelynns momma. I know there is no use telling you to not feel guilty cause you probably will for some time. But that will ease as you know there was no intent on your part to harm your child, and yes unfortunately these things do happen more than you would think. Let things run thier course, there is no way around grief you have to go straight thru it, but it will loosen its grip ever so slightly as time goes on. KJs mommy. You are not a failure. You loved and cared for your son so deeply and even at his young age he knew that. That is a beautiful picture of the two of you..I hope you have it hanging on your wall. Bea. You absolutely did not fail your precious girl. You would have had no idea of what symptoms to look for even if there were any to see. You were on your way to hospital and that is all you could possibly do. That was done with the love and concern you had to get Neezy help. And even though she was only four, her heart and soul know that. Peggy. I too have felt that I just want to be with my child. But you know your son would say mom, it wasn’t your time. And time is not measured in heaven like it is here. Our kids will wait for us to come when our name is called. Rxtech 47. Why do you feel guilty? There was nothing you could have done and your Kharissa knows that. My son is a lawyer in Ontario but I could ask him about the adoption laws for international adoption if you want to pursue that, you deserve to be a part of your grandchildren’s lives. Now all you new moms and I hope I didn’t miss any of you, but I want you to know this. 7 years ago I was washing my kitchen floor when I heard a thud. I paused briefly but didn’t hear anything else so kept right on washing my floor. In hind sight that thud turned out to be my very healthy 17 year old daughter collapsing and suddenly dying in the shower. For all these years I have lived with the whys, what ifs and if god would just give me that moment back maybe I could have saved her. And like you all it has eaten me to the core. But I ask myself this, if had any idea that there was coming harm to my child, wouldn’t I have reacted differently? You bet I would and so would all have you. God knows what was in our hearts that day and still is, we would have moved a mountain to save our kids. We would all trade places with them if possible. My son was diagnosed with an illness several years ago and I just kept asking the dr. Why. I was expecting some big medical word or explanation and he just said “Mrs Taylor, **** happens”. So we don’t always get those answers we desire. Can any of us say, we meant to harm our child, of course not. And for everyone who wants to know why god took our child, or any child, I was told this by my church ministers. We really don’t know why these things happen, but god did not look down and “pick” our child, he was not punishing us or them and he wept too when our babies died. Just thought I’d share my experience with you all in hope it might help. Keep gong dear friends, our children would want that. Hugs Luanne.....Kira’s mama . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MargeeTx Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Hello to all.....I am sorry that I haven't been around very much.... I have literally been hanging by a thread since Jason and Meredith's birthday on June 7th. The pain is so intense that it feels like he died yesterday, not 5 months ago. I see so many new folks, which means that their grief is very new. I cannot stop my obsessive thinking, and then the tears. It has to get better, easier, make sense.... SOMETHING. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members My girl is in heaven Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Susan. Thanks for the beautiful family pictures. That veto is so adorable. I had the very same message a few times now and took me several hours before it would let me back in. I’m wondering if there is some sort of spam on this site. kate, what a beautiful seren picture, you should have that framed. After feeling like summer was never gonna come here, now we got 7 or 8 days of humidex in the 40s starting tomorrow. Crazy weather. Margee, how are you doing. It is probably really hot in Texas, right? So it has been about 6 months for you then. Are you finding a few joys now and again, I hope so. Have a good weekend . And for all us four moms who had angel or birthdates in June we’ll tomorrow it is over. Then we need to hold hands for our July moms. Luanne....Kira’s mama. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members My girl is in heaven Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Margee, it will never make sense, but it will loosen a bit and tiny holes of light will start to filter thru. Just hold on dear friend...remember nothing but hearts and hands to hold on here. And you got thru June some how, good on you. Luanne....Kira’s momma Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Susan, lovely photos, the kids are looking great, Veto is a dolly. I am glad that you too are looking good, smiling out at us...stronger now than you were some months ago it seems. Good for that Susan, gaining strength. I am sorry that you and several others have seen an obstacle to the site, I have alerted Moderator Kate to one or two...she is on the lookout but if it happens, please let one of us know to contact her...hopefully they get to the core of why this is happening. To All, obsessive behaviors, crying jags, meltdowns, phobias, all sorts of things such as these and others, happen to us when we are shocked out of our lives as we all have been. As Luanne and Susan and many have said, this is normal for early grief, it is horrid, and painful, there is nothing so terrible as this, but you are not doing anything wrong as long as you are not hurting yourself or others...allow the absolute pain and sadness, because there is only one way truly to find light again...and it is to go through it, to feel it all and to find ways to live as best you can for now, it will morph and change as you go, always a part of you, but incorporated at some later time. You will be changed by it all of course, think of how we are changed by the birth of our Babies, so of course we are changed by their leaving. There is nothing easy about this time in your lives, it will however, very slowly get better, life will one day be much better than it feels today. Promise. But there will be hard work ahead, and many tears...heck, hard work and tears don't scare us, we have learned way more than we ever wanted to learn about that. It is okay to be afraid, to be angry, resentful, jealous, and just plain sad. It's okay to not feel okay. All of us still here want you to know that you will do more than survive this very saddest time...you will carve out your lives and whittle out what is most important to your souls and you will live in these new walls. Your heart will hold more than it ever has before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunshine Princess Jaelynn Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Ericas mom: Your post had me in tears because I feel all of that.... afraid, angry, resentful, jealous and just plain sad. Afraid of what the future will hold without her, angry at myself for not doing what a mother should do to take care of her children, resentful at the fact that this had to happen to Jaelynn and to us, jealous at all the families I see everyday with their smiling faces holding their daughters hands, sad because I know she isn't coming back to us and of how much I miss her. I SUCKS so bad!! I hate feeling this way everyday. I hate the person I have become. I hate that my family (my husband, my 2 sons and I) don't feel like one right now. Mermaid Tears: You have a beautiful family! Love all the pictures, keep them coming! Luanne: Thank you for sharing your story of how you lost your daughter. My sincere condolences to you. You are right, God does know what was in our hearts that day. And you are 10000% correct that I had no intent of hurting my daughter. You are also right that I will carry this guilt for a while. When will it start decreasing? I don't know because right now it has gotten worse than the beginning. Everything has actually gotten worse since the beginning. I guess it gets worse before it gets better? Thank you for sharing, hugs During my therapy session I mentioned to my therapist that I have THOUGHTS of ending my life for what I did to my daughter and they blew it out of proportion. They wanted to send me to an inpatient program for at least a week to "get me stabilized". I freaked out, I got scared and thought of AJ and Max. I told them that's not what I need, I need to be with my kids not in a freaking facility. That's the last time I open up deep of my thoughts and feelings to anyone. Some things are better left unsaid and held in. I know I told you all that my boys are what keeps me going and that is still true. It wouldn't be fair or right to leave them without a mother. I told that to her that as well and that's what came of it. My mouth is sealed from now on. With that said, I hope I could still open up to you all. I honestly think you all understand what I'm going through better than anyone. Hugs to all Stephanie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tinay Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 MHi all. First I want to say I'm sorry for everyone's loss. It's been 461 days since I lost my Kiona. I don't post much. I do read though. I posted a lot in the beginning. Fell off about Thanksgiving. My one niece broke off from family and she was my rock so denial set in. Now, I feel the shock suit is wearing off and drowning myself in work isn't really working anymore. I'm quick to anger and that's not good where I work. Relaxing at home doesn't work because of upstairs neighbors. They shybe out this weekend so that is good. A storm came through tonight. I went outside and thought...let it take me. Whatever..just let whatever take me. I've thought more than one... death by cop... what do I need to do to get that to happen? Can't do that cuz that would put someone else in harm's way and that isn't me. I know I still have my son. Some days doesn't seem enough to keep me here. I think, I could drive myself into the river but my luck I would survive. So why try. These aren't deep thoughts...they are just thoughts. I shake my head and know I will keep going minute by minute. To those that want the full truth about what happened to their babies...I know. It doesn't make it easier. The death certificate makes it REALLY final. Mine sits on top of my fridge. I freeze Everytime I see it. Can't bring myself to move it. I've watched the video of how my daughter died. Yes...the "boyfriend" made a video of how he laid her. I don't want to get into specifics because it will only pisse off... sorry. I think this is long enough. Sorry Peace and love to all Tina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Stephanie, I hear you. When my family went from 5 to 4 members, it was so difficult to adjust. I had always been used to working with 5. I did not want to have 4 members, I wanted 5. I wanted my family back.... This change in family dynamic is a cosmic-shift. To me, that was one of the hardest things to adjust to. This is my family 10 years after Brians death. You too will smile again Colleen, Brian's Mom forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Looking good, Colleen! Nice to see a group picture of the family looking so happy. Luanne, it has cooled off here slightly today. Do you have any plans for the Canada Day weekend? There are tons of people up at their cottages and a ton of activities planned for the weekend. I hope the rain holds off for the parade and fireworks. As a health professional it is their responsibility to ask if a person has suicidal thoughts. I may be out of step here, but I feel that there are very few parents that go through this that have not felt this way directly after their child is gone. I know I did. I simply refused to tell anyone, as I knew the response would be the same. It was good to see your post Laurie. You have been missed for all of your valuable input and info shared that really helped everyone! Thanks again for everything you gave and the time taken to help us all. Susan, it is good to see you enjoying your visit with your good friend. Glad the girls are continuing their tradition of having their pool party at your place. Looks pretty inviting to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Beautiful family shorty16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bea8924 Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Luanne: thank you for your words of encouragement. They made me shed a tear but it was good to know. Stephanie: I understand where you were coming from. I think you just worded it wrong while telling your therapist. I would have said that "I had thought of dying" (which I did) not so much killing myself because I don't think I have "the balls" to go through with it, my religious beliefs and mainly (like you said) my kids. But please feel free to open up on this forum. There's no need to keep those emotions and thoughts bottled up. If you don't feel comfortable telling a bunch of strangers, write it down and rip it up. The point is to not be closed off. You need to stay healthy for your 2boys that need you. Colleen: beautiful family. 10years is a long time. I'm curious to know who has had the longest journey in this forum? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Bea, I believe that Dee, Sherry... and Colleen have been on the site the longest that still participate. I owe them a great deal along with others that helped to support me when my Jeff passed away. They threw me a lifeline at I time that I felt I was drowning in grief. Your advice to Stephanie was excellent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Colleen....beautiful family....you have many, many blessings. Thank you to all that enjoyed my family photos. We have 6 adult children....1 daughter...5 sons. Our daughter is the oldest...Randa...then John David, Jason, Aaron, Jesse and Jeremy. I never have any doubt or question the fact...I HAVE 6 CHILDREN. I don't know what circles some of you are in....but those that know and hold you dear...know how many children you have. Any stranger..or person that is not in your circle....that will ask how many children you have....are simply asking a harmless question. If you want the person asking to be placed in an awkward situation...then tell them your child died. Many years ago....I asked a the harmless question...(during a social event)...how many children do you have ? (we were having a discussion as to how many students should be in a single classroom)....this woman spoke up and said she thought that the subject the teacher was teaching should dictate how many should be in a single classroom...she seemed very knowledgeable... The woman went on to tell me her daughter had died. I was extremely embarrassed..and felt very unbalanced...gushing sympathy to her...and then she went into great detail of her daughter's passing. It was not the right time or place to do that....she seemed to like all the attention she was getting from all that had gathered around . I felt very uncomfortable. I have 6 children... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 so i had dreams about victor last night the first one me had my daughter were in the living room he was on his bed and i told her he was there she said mom hes dead but i went over to his bed and we hugged and i kissed him and he told me he loved me too then i asked him to forgive me but the dream ended the next dream victor was a young boy and he had all this stuff on his face coming out of the kitchen and i told him you dont have to cover up like that its find victor had mrsa and when he was at the hospitals he had to be in a room by his self then before all this when i was all most asleep i heard his voice call mom just like he use to do when he wanted something and now im watching a show where a young man died and they talked about the person who was with him at the time and it hit me i dont know who was with my son when he took his last breath i know the drs were trying to revive him and they were there wow this all just hit me like a ton of bricks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Beautiful family mermaid tears i also have 5 sons victor was my youngest child i have 2 daughters plus 4 step daughters Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 I absolutely agree with you Susan when discussing our children. I always say that I have two sons. I always will. I am really enjoying seeing the pictures of the families. I bet you got up early to fill all of those stockings! Wonderful to be able to look back on so many beautiful memories. They warm the heart for sure. Good looking family. I agree that the people who know us already know the details to a certain extent. Strangers really do not need to be filled in on every detail. It does make one uncomfortable and I can see them visibly step away. Death is something nobody ever really wants to talk about. Especially a child. People honestly do not know what to say. They truly for the most part say what they do in an attempt to offer some response and a form of comfort. Often we are so very sensitive at the time we take most things said the wrong way. I was also guilty of one time that I still regret to this day. A person that I should have said something too when he had lost his wife so suddenly. I, too, was young and inexperienced in what to do in these matters. I would sooner that someone say something in an attempt to at least reach out than walk away as I did. I am ashamed to this day of my actions. I knew better. I was just cowardly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Donnamarie....we all know a Mama does 1, 000 little bitty things that are behind the scenes and all the unseen....but you were in a unique situation with your son because you were also 'caretaker'....so...you did 1,000's and 1,000's of those unseen labors of love for your boy.... He will tell you...and in the dream I think that is the message he wanted you to hear....there is simply nothing to forgive you for. If anything....I so hope the family is applauding all you did for him. I hope you are going to throw that dark cloud of guilt out of the window...and bask in the memories of all that you did for him. A child that has so many health issues is dependent on his family around him....and he was certainly filled with love....and he had such a loving and kind heart. You helped shape that in him. His family round him helped him create that loving heart. For now....grieve deeply to honor your boy...but do not wear the haircloth of guilt. Being a Mama and Caretaker makes you one of the Super Women I have known. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members NiquesMom Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Took Kyle to Chuck e cheese today. I remember my daughters 2nd birthday here. Everything I do with Kyle I already did with nique, so it's all tinged with a little sadness and memories. I read all the posts. Love the family pictures everyone put up. I understand the guilt , agree I would never do anythingto leave my son but if God took me it would be ok. Terrified of losing my husband and son. I think this has made me realize we really have no control. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 All of our beautiful families, are still beautiful, but made different by the missing person, the heart of that child remains in the family for all of time. Colleen, 10 years, and yes you look so good, the family together adn Brian sitting upon your shoulder, riding shotgun through all of your days. I have read many authors who have lost a child, one of my favorite is Isabelle Allende' and she wrote PAULA when her Daughter died from an illness, an excellent book and reads like fiction because our stories are really dramatic, they are filled with the stuff of movies and books...ten years after Paula's death, Isabelle wrote: The Sum of Our Days, which is like a long letter to Paula, telling her how the family has done in the ten years since she left. Colleen, this might be a great time for you to read that. Susan, I agree with Kate, so nice to see all the photos...and yes, I will always answer, I have two children, one lives as an angel. DonnaMaria, the dream seems to be saying that Victor is good now, he doesn't need you to be guilty...yes, as in his dream, he is dead, but he still loves you too, more than words... Sherry is here the longest, 15 years a few weeks ago, June 14th, 2003- and I am here one month behind her, losing Erica on July 14th, 2003.Then Colleen...Then Kate I think, right ?We had other longstanding members but many since have left. Not everyone stays long like some of us, but everyone that has come, has gotten a huge amount of good from being here. That is what is important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Stephanie, I don't think it was a bad thing to say what you did, and I hope that you will not zip your lips for future appointments because then there is not healing coming your way...you let them know why going into a facility would not be an option, and why you don't need that...saying that you thought about taking your life is real, and your therapist has to suggest what she did, it is part of her oath as a therapist, but it sounds like she took you seriously as to being able to manage at home with the kids and family. Please don't stop telling the truth, therapy is all about being able to be honest with your spirit and soul, and your husband needs to hear how you are feeling as well, so his being there with you is great. Tina, I am worried about the thin line you seem to be on, and I hope to heavens that the folks upstairs really do move out this time. The ache and pain get worse and then you begin to find some semblance of a new normal, but if that simply is getting worse is there someone you can talk to for some one on one care? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tinay Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Ericasmom-im ok. I'm not planning anything. Just thoughts that run through my head. I would never hurt anyone. I would never hurt myself. They are thoughts that would never turn into action. I did reach out to some friends last night. They listen and help. You guys are my main strength though. Thank you for reaching out and listening Peace and love Tina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bea8924 Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Diane and sherry, looks like we share the same numerical angel date...the 14th. Nezzy passed may 14. I applaud you ladies for staying strong this long and helping others in the process. Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Why thank you Bea. Yes, Erica's car was struck on the 8th of July, and we let her go on the 14th... Tina, I am glad that you had some time with your friends adn that they listened...our hearts need to be heard... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 niquesmom how adorable kyle is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members My girl is in heaven Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Virginia. What a sweet little muffin that Kyle is. Still able to smile with what he has been thru. And yes all those places you are taking Kyle will remind you when you were there it’s Nique. But some day you will smile when you think of those times. And you are right we really don’t have control over things. I usd to think I had every base covered when it came to the safety of my children. I know I drove them crazy with all my , call me when you get there, I have to know where you are at all times, fretting if they weren’t eating all thier fruits and vegetables, etc. But absolutely no bells or whistles went off when I heard a thud that turned out to be Kira collapsing in the tub. I know now too we don’t have that control. So glad to hear of your move. I firmly believe that a fresh start will be so good for you. And you are embracing your grief, not running from it. Let us know when you get there and how things are going. Tina. Am so worried about you. Just bide your time til that family moves out. Do you have an iPod you can plug your ear phones in and tune them out. I have to admit there have been many a times and still but not as much, that I just think I just want to be with Kira again and when Lilly , her cat, dies , I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. Just me, Kira and Lilly walking on heavens golden shores. But I have other children like you and even though I think they would never miss me, I think our boys would be devastated if we went before our name was called. I am glad you had some friends to talk to. That is so important for us grieving moms to find the right people to talk to like everyone here. Up until a few months ago I would go upstairs every night to get my pyjamas on, look at Kira’s picture and say what the date was and told Kira I was one day closer then yesterday’s date to being with her. Don’t count the days she has been gone. If you want to count, count the precious years you had her. Stay strong dear friend and let me know if I can help in any way. Hugs stephanie. As I have found out the hard way if you ever suggest anything that even slightly indicates you would be a harm to yourself or anyone else, if you look dishevelled or don’t make direct eye contact, they will admit you to hospital. Here in Canada it is called a form 1 and you have no choice even if you just want to go home. I know it is for your best interest but I have always felt it is just to cover thier own butts in case you do anything on thier watch. But you know you can let it all out here, cause we will all understand. colleen and Susan, beautiful family pictures, thanks for sharing. After Kira died when I went back to work, there was a bunch of us sitting around a lunch table. One was a new girl and she was going around the table asking each one how many kids they had. I could see the other girls nervously looking at me as they knew my turn was coming. I immediately got up and left before she got to me. But now, we’ll now I proudly say I have three and my daughter is in heaven. And if there was ever anything that will stop people in thier tracks or head for the hills it is saying your child is in heaven. But I say it loud and proud. Your families are beautiful. Luanne......Kira’s mama. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members My girl is in heaven Posted July 1, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2018 Donna Marie. Hold on oh so tight to your visitation dreams from Victor, cause we never know when we might get another. It is a crumb but sometimes that is all we grieving parents get. There is simply nothing for him to forgive you for. From all you’ve told us you were a very attentive, loving caring mom. Sometimes we are just too hard on ourselves. And I often think I shouldn’t put myself down so much cause that’s the job of everyone else around me. Lol. Stay strong. Kate. Not doing anything for Canada day except going to church, we are supposed to wear red and white. This crazy heat with mid forties humidex is supposed to last for several more days. Gee there is just no in between here. So are you going to a parade, I never liked them even when I was a kid. How are the grand babies doing? Luanne.....Kira’s mama Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted July 1, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2018 hi friends I am back. Really needed to take a leave of absence to sort out my mind which took a battering recently from an unexpected corner. A "friend" of my son's who witnessed the fall and the aftermath had suffered PTSD and was using his music to heal and share Tommy's bravery. He is not well known but he has posted on Youtube and Facebook. Although some of his lyrics were a little rough to hear I was infrequently in touch with him to see how he was getting on. He told me he was making a video to go along with it and I begged him not to make it graphic just show pics of Tommy in happy times etc. When I saw the video I was absolutely horrified. It included video footage of that night along with sound, you heard the glass break and the boys hit the ground and then groaning loudly in pain and the younger one begging not to be left to die alone but to be allowed to have his friend with him. TEd appears with "blood" running down his face in front of a blood spattered wall. It was horrific to say the least. At the beginning he has a written explanation and clearly states I should not have done that meaning he knew it was wrong to video and not try and save his friends who fell 13stories. It also stated that he had omitted some footage in respect of Tommy's mother's request and in respect for Tommy's grieving family and warns it is graphic. I went absolutely ballistic. How could you use my son's bravery and his death to be used as entertainment? How could you use footage and audio when his Mum had begged you to destroy it years ago? What mercenary mind keeps that to use to further your rap career years on and hope to get notoriety because of the graphic contents? I was beside myself with sorrow anger and a feeling of my son being betrayed. I was receiving messages of support from other friends of Tommy 's who expressed their horror and outrage and had consequently been blocked by him. I only managed a few words to Ted because I was so angry I could hardly type and he promptly blocked me. I emailed the ceo of Youtube and Facebook and I also repoerted the video as offensive and infringing privacy rights. Many other people also reported it. My kids got to hear about it and were really angry and upset also with me because I had not told them. I cannot do right for wrong if I say something I am accused of upsetting them if i dont tell them I am accused of not caring about their feelings. It got a bit ugly for a little while.. My daughter told me I was not thinking of them and should have told them. I told her I was not thinking straight and was focusing all my energy on trying to get the video taken down. Youtube did email me and took it down FB took off the link also. i realise all he has to do is rename the video or log on as someone else to repost it but I know I did all I could to protect my son's and the kid he saved's privacy. We needed to keep it all low profile otherwise it gains publicity for Ted which is the opposite of what we want. It has been rough. I have gardened until my blistered palms bled trying to work out that fury and injustice in my head by having imaginary conversations with Ted. However I am proud that I did not fall apart or crawl into a hole and shut down and used anger as an alternative emotion which drove me to action. This group have been a vital part of my healing process for which I am really grateful and the fact I did not break down mentally is mainly part to them and their unwavering support. My kids and I are ok now my eldest daughter is with me for a few days at the moment and so far we have had a nice visit. All I can do is report any new links if I find out about them to the appropriate authority and hope they ban the video. It will be all ok I keep telling myself. I hope tommy is proud of me for trying so hard on his behalf. To actually get a personal email from the CEO herself of youtube is quite a feat. I have had time to calm down and be able to stop self injuring in the garden and am working on inner peace. Those images and sounds are still in my head but I know I have the tools to eliminate them and replace them with happy pictures and his laugh. laurie I am sorry I missed the bday of your precious boy. I have liked everyone's photos of family and applaud you all for the efforts you are making to get past the devastating effects of grief, the reminders, the tactless comments the memories or dates that pierce your hearts. Every one of you will succeed in rising above all this you jst have to stay strong and have faith that you will be ok in the end. It will take years but stay the course, keep communicating, accept any offers of help and above all give yourself a break. Throw away any guilt or should have's they just bring you lower and take action positively on what you can do not what you can't. to the newer members I welcome you and hope I may be able to offer some assistance. Wishing you all a peaceful weekend. Lesley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted July 1, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2018 Tommy's Mom, Wow, you have much more self restraint then I. Ted did an ugly, selfish thing and he seems to know it. We are here for you. Anger robs us of energy. Energy we could be using to create positive memories. Glad to see you are working to bring peace to your life and your visit with your daughter is going well. Colleen, Brian's Mom forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members NiquesMom Posted July 1, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2018 Lesley, I hope you find peace from that video. I met a man who was there when my daughter was hit, he took a video to help the police since the driver left. He said he could send the video to my husband if I wanted, but I don't want to see it. I believe my daughter kept me from the scene, I should have heard something or get something since she was on the street in front of the house. I don't remember any sirens, I missed the call from her coworker. By the time i found out, it was all over. I think nique kept me from the worst of it, so I told the man he can delete the video, I don't think it will help me. I hope Ted never has to feel what we feel, or he would never have used that video. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted July 1, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2018 So i went to church today i sat in the back there in the little compartment were 2 bibles one that belonged to the church and someones private bible a song book and a church program when i picked it up to look at it there in bold black letters the date june 10th 2018 yes my heart broke i listened to songs and the message through prayers there were tears lots of them but i knew there would be there is always going to be tears i will wake up and go next week again maybe one day i can go to other things they have at the church right now im taking this horrible journey one second at a time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted July 1, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2018 TOMMY is so proud of you Leslie...so are we all. You did good Sweetie. DonnaMaria, I think of that bible as a gift to you, letting you know that your Boy was sent to his heavenly home on that same day, while sad of course, heartbreaking, definitely, it is a sign I think from Victor that he is with you. He is loving you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4MyM&J Posted July 1, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2018 I’m finally starting to get the reports in from Michael’s death. They are disheartening and infuriating at the same time. The lack of information and time put into the reports makes me feel like they didn’t care that a 7yr old child died. That all they cared about was protecting the career of his father, a fellow law enforcement officer. I have found a few things that has caught his father in a lie. Of course his father won’t admit them, he just changes his story to make it fit. I feel like I am becoming obsessed with all of this. With seeking vengeance for my son. And I’m scared I’m going to cross a line, and find myself never being able to get back to the other side, to acceptance. I understand that knowing what happened won’t change the outcome, and that it might not even help me through my grief. But I feel like as his mom, I have to stand up for him. I have to know the truth for him. I’ve been reading everyone’s posts, and I have found some comfort in them. I feel the same as many of you; I don’t want to take my life, but I know that if I did I’d see my boy again. But I also know that’s not fair to my youngest son. The thought of dying doesn’t scare me anymore, not like it use to. Even though I’ve always had someone on the other side waiting for me, I feared death and leaving my Michael behind. Now, I can’t wait to grow old and be with him again. The past 3 wks have been the hardest of my life. The most painful. I’m still here, trying to take things minute by minute, task by task. As much as I hated to, I had hope that by now it would of started to get easier. Instead I feel myself going backwards. I’m not sure how I’m moving forward, but I know I have to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bea8924 Posted July 1, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2018 Leslie my heart breaks for you that someone would make a video like that. A close friend asked me if he can make a video of my daughter to show to his 4th grade class. It was a beautiful memorial video filled with pictures and that alone made me cry. I can only imagine the tears you shed seeing your son in his final moments. That's not meant for the entire world to see. The final moments with my daughter replay in my head as it is. Our security camera captures me performing CPR in the car an all up until the ambulance came and left. I watched it the same day for evidence purposes but watching it over again would be traumatic I think. So I'm sorry you had to go through that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted July 1, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2018 Leaving the house is so hard then when i come back everything hits me like a ton of bricks 4mymnj i understand how you feel waiting for answers we share the same angel date and i too am waiting for answers these 3 weeks have been horrible i try to take it second by second hugs to all thank you everyone for your kind words and help as i go through this terrible journey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members NiquesMom Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 Packing to move and stupid things are making me cry. Going through the pantry and seeing the food nique had bought, she's never going to make it. The fact I will live in a home she will never visit. The fact that there is leftover spaghetti, because when she was here there was never leftover spaghetti, it was one of her favorites. What do I do with the smashed phone from the accident? Its been on the counter for 6 months now. Bawling into my pillow so Kyle doesn't hear. So sad today, feel like I am back in the first week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 hugs niques mom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 The nature of this grief Virgina, back and forth through the stages of grief, they are not linear and we often revisit them especially when there are big changes in store...so don't worry, you are not back in that first week, you have made a lot of progress, you are packing up a part of your life, and since you are unsure as to what to do with some of the items, smashed phone, pack them in a box of Nique's things so that at your new home, you can have the whole box be stored somewhere that will be safe until aNd unless you want to go through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Skay Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 Hello, I found this forum last night and I am very greatful. I lost my son on 6/19/2018, just 3 days after his 19th birthday. I feel like I am in a dark hole. I am trying to keep it together for my daughter but it is so hard. I miss Trey so much and I can't believe I won't ever hear his voice again. I can't get the image of him laying in the hospital out of my mind, his pretty blue eyes just lifeless. How do you get past this overwhelming sadness? I feel like I am losing my mind. I actually wanted to die and I have never had those feelings. I wouldn't do that to my daughter. I'm thinking about counseling, does that help? I would appreciate any advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 Skay, I am so sorry that you lost your Son, Trey. Nothing is harder than this and you are very new to grief so let us just hold your hands and heart as you find your steps. As far as therapy, it helped me immensely but it isn't for everyone. It matters to find someone who has worked with folks in grief before...I lost my 19 year old Daughter nearly 15 years ago. Several of us who lost our Kids long ago, stay here to give a hand up to those new...and also because we find great community and heart here. Here is a place where you are encouraged to share your stories both sad and good, where as sometimes out in the world, we are not listened to when we speak about our Child. I will say this, I have always spoken about Erica in each day since she died, both to her and about her, which is how I have lived in her love and light. If I were to try to live without speaking her name on a daIly basis, I would not be living fully. She is my Daughter, she always will be, and just like I speak to my Son or about him daily, I do of my Girl. Let us know about Trey, (love his name) when you are able. About his life and his death and your life with he and your Daughter. We will listen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Skay Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 Hello, I found this forum last night and I am very greatful. I lost my son on 6/19/2018, just 3 days after his 19th birthday. I feel like I am in a dark hole. I am trying to keep it together for my daughter but it is so hard. I miss Trey so much and I can't believe I won't ever hear his voice again. I can't get the image of him laying in the hospital out of my mind, his pretty blue eyes just lifeless. How do you get past this overwhelming sadness? I feel like I am losing my mind. I actually wanted to die and I have never had those feelings. I wouldn't do that to my daughter. I'm thinking about counseling, does that help? I would appreciate any advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Skay Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) Thank you ericasmom for replying. I really do think this is a place that will help me heal. Trey was my first child and he was a mamma's boy up until his teenage years. He was unique and definitely marched to the beat of his own drum. He was also a very loving individual. Trey had a fascination with guns. I didn't like it at all but he was old enough to purchase one without my approval. He died because he dropped a loaded gun. He was in a rural area and it was too late by the time he got to the hospital. What ways heavy on my mind is his last moments. Was he scared? He was with people that I didn't know and he had just met. What I do know is he knew I loved him. Edited July 2, 2018 by Skay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 veronica packing up to move house can be sad for anyone because of memories but especially so for you because of your loss. take everything of nique's with you and as dee suggested put them in a special box to keep in your new Florida home. I hope you settle quickly and like your new job, keep us posted ok? I still have my son's phone on a shelf in my bedroom. because I know how important phones are to our kids I could not bear to dispose of it. I would never try and unlock it, as it is Tommy's private possession, one day it will go in my Tommy box in the attic. Having something he held often in his hands is precious to me. skay i am sorry you lost your son. This site is a wonderful resource with all of us having lost a child/children. There is a unique understanding here of the craziness of grief and how life afterwards is so difficult. It is so sad that he died from handling a gun, many of us have a healthy dislike for the ease with which they can be purchased or gain access to them. As you say he was old enough to buy one and as adults our children can make their own choices even as parents we may not like them. i hope you post and tell us more about your Trey and the rest of your family, he will always be remembered on this site. my daughter has been down for a few days which has been lovely, i only see my kids about every 2-3 months as they are working adults with their own lives in other cities. She looks quite like Tommy people always thought they were twins when they were younger, the same freckled pale skin tone, both red heads, (she is more strawberry blonde) and blue eyes and 19months apart in age. My kids are all close in age which was lovely when they were little but then they leave home in quick succession and you have empty nest syndrome. my sister took her out on a couple trips as I cant drive which was nice. i love my kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 Skay, I am sorry that your Boy died in that manner, but you said the most important thing...because no matter how our Child died, they knew that they were loved, Trey knew you loved him through and through. According to a palm reader that one of my Daughter's friends went to in NYC, she said that Erica did not die alone, that right before the train struck her car, her Grandmom pulled her to the side, she was being held by her Grandmom so did not feel the impact. My girl died 6 days after the train hit her car at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. It was nice to hear that Erica was pulled aside by her Grandmom, a woman who died one year prior and not anyone my Daughter knew as my mom disowned me when I was a young adult. Glad Mom came through. Lesley, glad that your Girl is with you right now, a nice way to spend a few summer days. How is your ankle? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members NiquesMom Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 Skay, my 18 year old daughter was hit by two cars outside my home 6 months ago, but I was not able to be with her. I met all the people who tried to help her in the street, they prayed, did cpr, and she wasn't alone. She visited my friend with psychic abilities, although she knew what was happening to her body her soul had already departed and she was with my mom. I believe with all my heart that our babies spirits are pulled from their bodies and so there is no fear, it is just their shell left behind. It doesn't make it easier but it makes it more bearable for me. I am so sorry for your loss, and I know this website is such a blessing. Had a rough day yesterday and was typing on here in between crying. I read all the posts but don't post often, and can't remember anyone name but everyone is so kind, thoughtful words to let us know we aren't crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 Skay im so sorry for your loss i loss my youngest son 35 years old on june 10th 2018 there is no pain like the pain we are all going through Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peggy a sad mom Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 skay i lost my 44 year old son on jan 20th 2018. he lived with me and did not have children. i have gotten a lot better when i think about the first few months. i still miss him sooo much. i do want to just die also it hurts so much. we all know how you feel but it does not help to tell you that you will better cause you won't until it happens.. i still cry everyday some days worse then others but i used to scream and yell and holler. thankfully i have calmed down a bit. every day is different i'm just so upset with the 4th coming and he loved that day so much. we would drive to my brothers bring a few things and have a great day. i would go home and him and his cousins would go see the fireworks. i've been told that every first is the hardest so far everyone was right. colleen i already went through that closet and freezer thing. i still have most of the closet food still there but i did have to empty the freezer. it's been 5 months and his jug of water is still in the fridge. god how did we all deserve this it hurts so bad thanks peggy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 peggy a sad mom i know how you feel i cry i shout and ask why all the time everything makes me think of victor he suffered from a chronic stomach illness that made him nauseated and vomit all the time plus he was a diabetic and on dialysis he suffered a stroke and was unable to walk he didnt get out much mostly because of the stomach issues but he got a power chair and this summer he wanted to get out more he had and appointment with a new gastrol dr ans was hoping to get better results victor spent alot of time in the hospital but he was doing much better and these last years he did so much better and not very many hospital stays my heartbreaks so much because victor wasnt able to enjoy life like other young men his age and we finally thought this summer will be the summer he can get out with the power chair we made plans to take walks and thats all gone the 4th of july that is going to rough because its my birthday and victor was already asking me what kind of cake i wanted well what flavor because i know it would of been a minnesota vikings cake just like he got me last year and he would buy me stuff on line how happy he would be he would say mom you got packages coming in the mail so the 4th is gonna be very hard for me im trying to get through this second by second its been 3 weeks of horror and heart break its like im in a fog im glad for this forum where i can come and pour out my feelings Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 Somethings in my family are starting to take place but the saddest part of it all is its finally happening and Victor is not here to enjoy it my heart breaks because i know this would of made him happy and he would of been relieved and why iam happy that things are starting to work out for family members im so very sad and cant help crying because victor cant be here to see it oh this is hard so hard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mumtogeorge Posted July 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 Oh Skay...i feel your pain..our boy was taken in a RTA...it feels like our heart has been.ripped open..but we too have seen a medium who has told us things she could not possibly know which gives us the comfort he is in spirit..i have had many signs but oh my..wish i.could touch his beautiful.face once more..or hear his deep husky voice . Hang in there ..the light at the end of the tunnel.is peaking through. ..it may be a glint..but its there..our boy passed 4 months ago and that light comes and goes...but then it seems just that little bit brighter and nearer as each day passes..i.still.cant reach it..but it is there ..i know .there are amazing helpful people on here..who.have given me hope in the darkest of hour..hang in there sweetheart x . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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