Members donnamaria Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 well im up getting ready to face another day sometimes sleep is the only peace i get not having to face the day im so over come with grief and guilt i think for me its because victor couldnt do things and at times if i didnt go to some kind of and event he would say because of me mom and i would say no because most of the time i didnt have the money or didnt want to go i look back at those times and hope he never thought of himself as a burden to me even though i told him many times he wasnt i know i told him every day i loved him i just hope i did enough to show him how much i just feel i let him down if i would of stayed in the room with him that night things would have been different i live with this guilt everyday i cant even do certain things because i feel if i was just there with him this wouldnt of happened plus how can i do these things when he couldnt or never will my heart is so broken im so afraid that hes mad at me for not staying in the room with him that night that at the time he felt that i deserted him and he was alone and afraid and for that i can never forgive myself i feel this is all my fault for leaving him alone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 Good Morning to All...another fresh new day. We had the opportunity to walk into the trails and sit on Jeff's bench yesterday afternoon. The weather could not have been more perfect. There was a terrific and refreshing breeze off of the lake and it felt wonderful to just sit and gaze out over the water watching the pelicans and five juvenile eagles soaring above. There is something so almost hypnotic about watching the waves slowly wash on shore. Wishing everyone a sense of peace in your day. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 How beautiful jeffs mom looks so peaceful Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 Perfect Kate! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4MyM&J Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 Today is turning out to be a rough day. I thought I was doing ok, and then bam, it hit me. Days like today I just want to curl up in bed and not get out. I miss my boy. I miss him so much. Not being able to see him and hold him kills me inside. How am I suppose to go on in my life without him? How does this hurt and pain ever get better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 All, Thank you so much for remembering My Taylor James birthday. He would have been 31 years old on June 25th. It was very much APPRECIATED! It has been a really hard few days. I have been feeling very unbalanced lately. I can't believe this is my life. Lu Ann - Kira's mom, Taylor died from Sids at 6 weeks of age. Brandon's Dad, I read your posts today...I could have written them both word for word. It was truly a sweet treasure to see baby Taylor's name here. You are all such great people. Colleen, we had one of those coke bottles with Jesse's name appear on it at just the right time too. My daughter was having a really hard time...and went to the store for something. She turned around and at her eye level was Jesse's name on a coke bottle. We filled it with stones and it is out in Jesse's pot of flowers. One resource I would recommend is a facebook group called Signs from Loved Ones 2. https://www.facebook.com/groups/249249048540255/ With Claire Stevenson as the moderator. There are many comforting stories that get posted from bereaved people of signs from their loved ones. Thank you again to all the wonderful parents here! Kate - Beautiful Pic of Jeff's bench. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KJs Mommy Always Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 4MyM&J, I’m sorry you’re hurting. I hope you find some sort of peace today. The grief is always there but it seems as though it’s dormant for a while and then it swallows us up without warning. I know you miss your boy..God I know this feeling all too well and it consumes me. I wonder the same things every day. I’m not sure what your faith is, but I had to take it to God yesterday. I just dropped to my knees and prayed for strength to get through this day by day. I asked God to lighten my burden and help me to heal, never to forget, but to heal. You’re stronger than you think or you wouldn’t be on this site reaching out for help. We are all strong. We will all find a new normal after our loss, and we’ll never forget our babies. I will always celebrate, and talk about my son. I will always acknowledge him no matter what. I will always hold on to the fact that I was and am a good mother to my baby boy. You have to do the same when you’re ready. That’s how you’re going to dull the pain. I know that my son is always with me. He lives in my heart of hearts. I hope that you find it in yourself to have a little peace today, and more tomorrow and the next day, and for the rest of your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bea8924 Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 Kiki, beautifully written and well said. The words you wrote hit home with me. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 Sweet Laurie...so sorry I am belated in sending you my care on Taylor's Birth-Day....you and I have shared so many 'firsts...and travels on this grief journey'. Have you been feeling unbalanced because of marker dates...or just a general feeling of 'just getting by'? I think we all reach that part on the grief journey where we can see our shattered hearts laying all around us on the ground...we realize it is our heart....and then we try to figure out how to pick up the pieces and fit them back in our persona and spirit. At first we are clumsy and it is like a jigsaw puzzle in how to fit all the shattered pieces ...back into our 'life as we now know it'.....with kindness and care to ourselves...patience and grace in learning how....we slowly...ever so slowly....begin to create a mosaic of our life and bring a shape to our new created heart. In the process...we are also creating a new shape and place for our child....it is like some form of sacred osmosis that we carry them with us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 Kate...frame that photo.....it is just so peaceful and I can almost feel the breeze from the lake...thank you for sharing.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 Im praying for all of us as we go through this horrible journey i try to get through the day then bam a phone call and i have to tell them Victor is gone and the tears the flood like rain then someone does something they should of done when Victor was a live that would of made him happy to ease his mind and he's not here to enjoy it so it hurts it hurts so much 4mym&j our sons went to Heaven on the same day we share this journey together jesse mom someone brought a coke bottle with Victors name at it to the funeral im not sure about life anymore i only know i miss my son every second and always will i hate this new life that i have been given so the only thing i can do is take it one second at a time hugs and prayers to all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peggy a sad mom Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 4mym&j and donnamarie my son is gone 5 month's i still want to die to be with him but not every single minute of the day like i used to. i used to scream and cry 24 hrs straight some times. i'm not even saying i want to survive but i am. my chest has stopped hurting as bad as it was even though i miss him every second of the day. if i even smile at something phoney or real i force myself not to feel guilty. even though it does not feel like it the pain eases up. not the loss and not the thoughts just the pain. there are days i just want to be with him but i'm afraid if i go god won't let me be with him until he takes me himself. i'm holding on for my time. how could any god do this to any parent. it is the worse pain ever and only we understand. thanks hope this helps peggy it's my first time trying to help someone and still hurting so bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rxtech47 Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 Than you ladies for your words. So very needed today. Really struggling the last week. Having nightmares not sleeping trying to work. Have to stay off Facebook for awhile because every day is constant memories of my dear kharissa and grandson haiden. Hurts so so much. I can barely function and just dont want to be here anymore. Feel so much guilt. And being called many negative things. I am at the end of my rope. So many tears. Tired of hearing time will heal. No right now time is not healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 thank you peggy a sad mom i sit here and i dont know what to do what myself oh there are things i can do but i cant i have to avoid certain things on tv because they remind me too much of him so i sit in spaceless wonder i guess thats the best word for it i understand so well of wanting to be with your son i long for the day to be with Victor like im waiting for him to come and get me the pain of losing a child is like no other theres so much that goes through your head your heart feels like its been ripped out of your chest i manage to do things little by little just going in to the kitchen to get a glass of water is a chore people are kind they try but they really dont know what to say unless you have been in our shoes you wouldnt understand the pain no one but a parent knows the pain of losing a child i wonder why God choose all of us for this horrible club i already was in one club the widows club why this one too i know one day i will be able to function maybe be able to watch a tv program we watched the hardest is going to be watching the vikings games but victor always said you have to always cheer on the vikings mom the whole living room where he slept is decorated in viking stuff your words help peggy i know your loss is new too i cling on victors faith and he had a strong one that there is a Heaven and i will be with him one day i think that will help me yes im angry at God i wouldnt be human if i wasnt i have a lot of emotions going through me sorrow pain hurt guilt anger the whys the what ifs but everyone here is so kind to me telling me of there journey and i thank you for your help and kind words Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KJs Mommy Always Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 Bea8924, Thank you and I’m comforted in knowing that they helped someone just a little. We need all of the uplifting that we can get..this loss has us in a low place. Our children wanted us to be happy when they were here. I remember I would dance, laugh, and make up songs to sing to my boy and that’s when he would give me that beautiful smile. Whenever I was sad or upset he wouldn’t smile at all. Our children want us to be happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KJs Mommy Always Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 Why do I keep getting these cold hard reminders that my son is gone? Every Wednesday I used to take my son to physical therapy due to a non-threatening condition that he had called Torticollis. My alarm labeled “Take KJ to physical therapy” just rang. Reminders like these make me feel empty inside. They make me feel like I failed as a mother and that I failed my son. Instead of acknowledging by leaving work and picking him up from the daycare, I’m on a grieving site talking about my son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KJs Mommy Always Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 Rxtech47, Hi, I’m a newbie. My son died 9 days ago, and he was only 6 months. I understand every word you said, and I feel the same. We may feel like we don’t want to be here but we do. Our children wouldn’t want it any other way. They loved it when we were happy, because it made them happy. Time alone won’t heal, but I believe that over time transforming our thinking and the way we deal with the loss will. None of us will live forever to suffer this way. I’m God’s time we’ll reunite with our babies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peggy a sad mom Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 a mom a couple of months ago who also lost her child a couple of years ago showed me in person of course ( i will try to explain it on here) she pointed to her brain one finger on each side here is my brain about six inches. she said this 1 inch is for all the world and the other 5 inches are always our child. i am still like that heading towards 6 months but i don't have to show it all the time like before. no matter what conversation i am having with someone my son's name is always brought up by me. now i think first and depending who it is i will either his name in or just talk. i remember 9 days ago i remember 27 days ago. we will never ever forget peggy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bea8924 Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 I got a call from my kids dentist the other day, "Ethan and Nezzy are due for their check up, would you like to schedule that today"?...I replied, "yes but only for Ethan". I was so sure she would ask why not Nezzy but thankfully the recptionist just made the appointment for him. Im dreading the day i have to go to an appointment and be asked where Nezzy is. But that's when I have to put on a brave face and say she passed away. I always get the condolences and pity to go with it. That's something I'm not used to. Don't ever think I will be used to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members NiquesMom Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 Bea I am starting a new job in August. I did not talk about nique in the interviews (no one is going to hire the crying girl), but I am wondering how I will tell my new coworkers. Because I will tell them. Because I can't NOT talk about her. I don't want that to be their first impression of me though. Guess I will play it by ear. I am an open book, don't hide my emotions well, so they will know something is wrong when I have an "off" day or "down" moment. Peace and hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members NiquesMom Posted June 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 I love my daughter so much, I know she is working good things for us. We found a house to rent, we will be able to pick up the keys when we get to Florida and unload the uhaul right away, i have the money to get all this done thanks to her and God. I miss her and wish she was coming with us. I will try to do good every day, to make her proud. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 Hello to all indigos. I am sorry to see so many new, bereaved, parents here. Stay with us.... there's a lot of understanding here. Many times, it is understanding that can't be found elsewhere. Peggy---Thanks for your kind words. Yes,.....this site has been a lifeline to many (myself included). Sometimes, just being able to express the sorrow that is swamping us, and have others who understand and respond, can give us a little lift. One day at a time....one minute at a time. Peace to you. KJsmom-----I agree that when we lose a child, and have other children, we worry so about them. I'm sorry that you are not close to your mother. Hold your other children close......they need you, and this is a rough road to travel for everyone in the family. Wishing you comfort. Rose913------I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son. Yes, the guilt is part of this journey. It is natural to second-guess and feel regret for everything , but in time.....the grief gets softer. I know that these are only words right now.....not much comfort at all, but please come back to this site and read/post as you feel you want to. WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 Niquesmom, Good question. These are people who will become part of your life, for now. Be truthful and stay at the 40,000 ft view of your daughters death. "My daughter is an angel in heaven". The other information will come over time. You will do great. Positive self talk. Colleen, Brian's Mom forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 My daughter and her family came last night they will be taking my 2 grandaughter back with them when they leave today oh the emotion of victor not being here to see all of them how the children have grown the new baby then the other two will be going back with there parents its all too much i managed to keep it together while they were here but after they left to go spend the night at my other grandchildrens house oh the tears they came while my daughter was here she told me mom its so hard being here not seeing victor or hearing his voice we didnt go in the livingroom where he spent all of his time it would have been too painful so here iam crying my eyes out while i write this today is going to be so hard as they leave im going to miss them but more so my two grandaughter who have been here i dont think the 3 year old realizes shes going with them she was happy to see them and everything had fun playing with them but her life is so different here she is use to all of us the 7 year old she will be ok although she does want to go to school here shes torn i think between wanting to stay here with us and missing her parents and siblings im not sure what God wants from me theres no way im going to go out and enjoy life like people say because i will no longer be a caregiver thats one of the cruelest things people have said to me now its time for you time for me my child is gone hes never coming back i dont care about doing anything because everything should be done with him and now my life is and empty shell i dont know what Gods plans are all i see right now is heartache pain sorrow guilt no good can come from this they say we shouldnt question God but thats a lie every parent on earth questions him when he takes there child a friend of mines grandson whom she raised was killed by his girl friend she didnt get charged with murder but a gun charge even though she did shoot him they said it was an accident but she got 6 years in prison i know the family both families and her mom posted how shes going to miss her and as mean as it seems my thought was at least shes alive you can go visit her she will come home he never will his family will live in pain especially his grandmother who raised him i find myself so angry at things but this life i have been given makes me feel this way im going to try and do something today not sure what i will go to the cemetary this i do know maybe some laundry its suppose to be sunny out will see Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KJs Mommy Always Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 Niquesmom, Congratulations. I’m happy for you and your family. I’m glad that everything is beginning to work out for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KJs Mommy Always Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 Donnamaria, I feel for you so much. I feel your pain and I know you loved your son dearly. Please don’t feel that your life is empty because it isn’t. Your son will always be with you. I know he loved you and he would want you to be happy. I know it’s hard. I’m missing my baby boy every day. He was my everything and he still is. I pray that you find peace, I pray that God eases the burden of grief for you. I pray for that for all of us. I pray for us often. Until we see our babies again, we keep them alive by talking about them, acknowledging them, and continuing to love them. I talk to my baby every day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 Thank you so much for your kind words kjmommy im holding on to the promise that i will see my son again i love and miss him so much i talk to him every day plus i write to him in a journal i also pray for all of us as we go through the hardest thing we will ever have to face Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunshine Princess Jaelynn Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 The name change is something that was easy to do but I'm still carrying a huge amount of guilt. I know its something that needed to be done to help but I still feel the same as before.This loss has impacted all of my family extremely hard, especially my husband and I. Having lost our ONLY daughter and with no future with her is something I think I'm never going to forgive myself for. She was going to be my best friend, my shopping partner, my nail salon buddy the only one of all my children that would come to me first because I'm her mother. I know boys go to their dads and daughters go their moms. I was looking forward to all of that with her and its gone. I don't know if my husband will forgive me for taking his precious daughter away either. Love between a father and daughter is different and I'm heart broken for him as well. He isn't getting that opportunity to dance with Jaelynn at her quincerera, walk her down the aisle at her wedding etc. Its a huge hole in all of us and i wish i could just get a time machine and fix it. Go back to that day and prevent it. Go back to when my family was happy and full of life. When i was full of life with no tears and happiness from all three of my babies. Im so lost right now and at times i dont want to go on. Its my fault that i didnt do what a mother is meant to do, take good care of her children. I failed my Jaelynn in the worst way possible.... Good news: My husband is going to therapy with me today! I very surprised about it but very happy. Luanne: Im so sorry that horrible comment was made to you. No compassion and no thinking before they speak. I apologize for their lack of compassion. Im sure you know this already and have probably heard it a million times: and for that Im sorry but people dont know how to react to grief. Grief is something we ALL dont want to go through no matter who it is especially when its our children. Its just a shame that people dont know how to just say "Im sorry, Im here for you" or just keep their mouths closed. Again I aplolgize for their comment. Just to clear it up, my family said for me to get a jon etc. The custodian is the one who said about replacing Jaelynn. My family is being OVER the top concerned for me. Thnking they know what I need to get better or to get my mind of things. It makes me feel pressured like if im doing something wrong. They are there for me but i guess they dont know how to react? Idk...things feel weird right now.... Donnamarie: Im so so so sorry for your loss of your precious baby. He is your angel now and we are ALL here for you to get through this. Hugs Tommysmum: Thank you for the EMDR explanation. I will bring that up today in therapy. I hope its something they do. Yes you are right! We all go through our own ways of grief and have our own ways of dealing with it. In my opinion I THINK i will benefit from going back to work but not for "getting my mind off of things" but because of the people Im going to work with in the office. When i was working there we ALL became really close and I know having them around me through this will be good for me. What do you think? Bea: I LOVE LOVE LOVE that picture of your babies! Super cute! Just to say I know EXACTLY what you mean about the 2 children going to 3 then back to 2. I feel the exact same way. Even though we had 3 children for a short time you still dont feel right being back to 2. I think of that all the time. Thank you all! Hugs! Stephanie Jaelynn's Momma Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rebekahs mom Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 My son graduated last night. We know his sister would have been so proud of him. Doing well for the most part. Has been 6 months but feels like it was yesterday somedays. Hope all are well. Sarah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 rebekahs mom beautiful picture of you and your son congrats to him i sure his sister was smiling down on him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 Thank you Susan for the belated birthday wishes...I think of you often, and all of the trails and tears we have shared. Thank you for holding my hand through this...and I know John David's date is coming up shortly... 4MyM&J, many here have had those types of "knowings", they are what we treasure and also what we dread. Many here -- both now and in the past -- have had these kinds of experiences. My son knew he was going to pass and so did I. It came in the form of dreams, other experiences, and just a dreaded knowing. Many around us could sense that death was close as well -- and randomly we would hear death stories way too much. Jesse told me with finality 3 days before he died, that "His life was going to be short". This was the last of a series of very strong messages of this type. Those type of knowings are a double-edged sword through the soul. The day my son actually was killed (by an inattentive driver, deliberately driving in his lane) - a friend kept calling me over an over on my phone while we at the hospital. When I finally picked up, she told me this: Of how her son had passed 3 years prior, and when he was killed (also in an auto accident), that he appeared in his spirit form to his grandfather. His grandfather was alive and in his own home at the time. The recently deceased son of my friend's appeared to him in his spirit form -- he looked like he would in physical life, so close it was not apparent that he had already transitioned to his spirit body. He told the grandfather that the grandfather would join him shortly in the after-this-life -- and that came to pass soon after this announcement. There were many things that were seemingly so impossible, but happened nonetheless. My view of what this physical world -- or reality -- represents has dramatically changed as a result. To the mom who feels the guilt...I tried so hard to move my son's death day but to no avail. Not that I really accept it all -- because I don't. My true healing will take place on the other side, in heaven. I thought the analogy of the fingers representing the brain someone posted was well said, I always feel like there is a small piece of my brain on the everyday stuff and the rest is elsewhere. To the newcomers thank you for sharing all the pics of your babies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peggy a sad mom Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 yes rebekah's mom beautiful picture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 I go now to a dear friend who was at my son's funeral. I learned yesterday she is terminal and on hospice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peggy a sad mom Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 laurie that was me about the way we think. even if no one else knows what we are feeling i just want to say to everyone who thinks they have problems join our club. i had a bad day today it's 5 month's for me and i couldn't wait to get out of work to let loose and scream and cry in my car. i just miss him so much. i want him back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted June 29, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2018 Peggy, 5 months, while a short time on a calendar, is a lifetime when it is grief related...time is a very abstract entity...hang on Girl. Laurie, so good to see you here...it's been a bit of time and it feels good to know that you are out there finding your steps and making things happen. Sarah, that is a lovely photo of you and your Son, congratulate him for us...I know that Rebekah is smiling on you both, i can almost see her sitting on your shoulder rooting for you and her Brother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bea8924 Posted June 29, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2018 Stephanie: once again I feel like we are in the same boat. I too feel like I failed my daughter. I have been in my head all day. Despite the fact that I'm at work trying to distract myself. I have been googling my daughter's symptoms in order to find answers to her quick passing. 24hrs! That's all it took to have my baby taken from me. I feel like in those hours I should have known better, I should have paid better attention, I should have reacted quicker. But I didn't and all I can do now is learn to accept it and wish that my daughter forgives me for failing her. We still have about another month and half before we here back from the autopsy report. Once I know, I doubt anything will change. If anything it will make me feel worse knowing it could have been prevented. Ugh! This sucks! I just turned 29. I hate knowing that I'm gonna spend more than half of my life with this pain. I will say that I have a reason to look forward to death. Being reunited with my baby is what I hope for. Jessemom: I had also had an Erie feeling before my daughter's passing. It's like I would look over my shoulder and see shadows pass by. But I paid no mind to it. I was reading about reincarnation and children who remember their past lives. I hope my daughter is up in heaven but if reencanation is real I hope she comes back to me in some way. I even hope that my 5month old communicates with her. (Since kids are more aware of stuff like that) but anyways im just writing to get the thoughts out of my head. Once again, thanks for being here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted June 29, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2018 bea i know how you feel i have the same feeling about Victor did i fail him the guilt is unbearable we too are waiting for an autopsy report i try to distract myself but i cant its so hard fri sat and sunday are so very hard for me we loved the week end no dialysis for victor nice peaceful week end and now it is full of sorrow how things change in a blink of and eye i hate this new life i have been given i have to out of the house today i hate that yesterday was a bad day family members were arguing my grandaughters went back with there parents the little one is going to have a hard time thats another heartache on me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KJs Mommy Always Posted June 29, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2018 Today my son would have been 7 months old. I’ve been numb so far today but I feel very uneasy and having anxiety. I stopped taking the anxiety medicine I was prescribed because it makes me feel sick. I still believe my son is gone. A best friend of mine gave birth to her daughter only a day before my son was born and it’s hard talking to her now. She still has her daughter and my son is no longer with me. I feel horrible..I feel like a failure. I know I’m not but that’s how I feel. I hope you all have a little peace throughout your day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted June 29, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2018 Bea...Donnamarie...and to all the hurting new parents....I have been reading off and on....and I am sorry I haven't been able to process all the new names/parents and match them with their child.... first I want to tell you how very sorry I am that your child left this earth home...and the arms and hearts of their parents....but....I will say with a belief beyond intelligent thinking that your 'child' is still 'here and there'.....not even death can separate a parent from their child....it is like a foreign land to walk this earth home without them by your side physically...they are simply in another form....more on that later. All of you are in a shattered world....a world where 2 plus 2 does not equal 4.....I felt as if I had been placed in a foreign world without a compass or map...and I did not speak the language or understand this new way of comprehending....my world as I knew it was no longer ....I was on my grief journey...and it was dark..heavy...and very hard to navigate...in the way I use to. All this is what you are experiencing now...and it is normal. Or I should say....this is your 'new abnormal'.... I was looking something else up on the internet one night...and felt as if I was guided to this site.....OH....THAT HATEFUL SIDE EFFECT OF INSOMNIA....and what I discovered was...I was not going crazy....I was simply in deep mourning. Each of you are in this Deep and Dark mourning now. Many parents have stayed on this site and am grateful...they are farther along the grief journey and they wave to us....to let us know....we can survive this...and they also give us care and compassion in the only unique way a parent that has lost a child can reach out and touch and help another parent. This kind of grief can cause many emotional, physical and mental health issues....that is why we stress over and over....Please...be very kind and gentle with yourself and family members....try not to look too far ahead or too far back for now....just stay in the present and do whatever you can to bring you even a sliver of comfort. If you were 5 inches from your child or 5,000 miles away from your child when they left this earth home.....it is a normal....very normal knee jerk kind of reaction to feel guilt... You have to know we are uniquely wired to protect our child....it is a primitive instinct placed in us....and when we hit the wall that we could not prevent our child from leaving this earth home....we place the guilt right on ourselves.... But...we all know ...we would take a bullet for our child.... I believe that the 'guilt many feel' is really finding out you do not have that kind of power....you do not have that kind of control... I discovered that I always felt as if my love was so powerful that I could protect all my children with my Mama Love...I hit a brick wall of reality when I was left with the true reality....when that child was placed in my arms and heart...I had this surge of super human control and power....when I lost John David....it was rational thinking that bubbled up to the top and I realized...I never had Super Human control....I only have Super Human love....and that is enough. So...to all the parents that are feeling 'guilt'....and some of you are reaching very deep to wear and carry that guilt to the mark of being masochistic...please remind yourself that you did nothing wrong...all you did was love and care for your child to the moon and back. Guilt..Remorse...Shame and Regrets....and the 'What if'.....are the sharpest tools to always hurt and cut yourself...and keep yourself down and to live with a Great Lie. In one way....you are betraying the super human bond you had with your child...and all the love and care for your child. Think of all the ways in which you cared for your child...1,000's of ways each day....and those are what you should dwell on....you did not fail as a parent. But if you keep on carrying guilt and flogging yourself with all the remorse and regrets....there will be no way the light can come in and help you honor and remember and yes ...most of all....love your child in the unique way that was between you and them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted June 29, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2018 that you mermaid tears victor was unable to move his legs and had gastrolparesis so because of always having stomach issues he was not able to get out and enjoy things he had and appointment with a new dr and was hoping to enjoy the summer i know that he loved me deeply its just so hard right now going somewhere knowing he cant do these things im sure others feel this way i was his caregiver so that in its self makes this so hard i ask for his forgiveness every day he had a strong faith and talked about when we go to Heaven for me its not only the guilt of going somewhere but there were times that i didnt go places and he would say because of me mom and i would say no truth is i really didnt like to go any where one of our last conversations was about a play i wanted to see and couldnt go he was in the hospital and i said no victor i didnt have the money or anyone to go with i hope he never thought it was because of him for me i need the reassurance that he forgives me for not being there for him even though i was always there and he said it on his fb posts how much he loved me and i was always there for him he loved me so much we had a special bond he got me through so much only thing he didnt tell me how to go on without him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peggy a sad mom Posted June 29, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2018 dee i was wondering where you were? well your here. yes again today another bad day. i just don't know. i'm tired of walking around with my face feeling so tensed up. i'm just so sad. even though i don't talk about it that much to most people it doe's not mean it's not on my mind 24/7. i haven't slept the past couple of nights. i just start thinking and i can't stop. it just feels so never ending. my sister and my friend still call me every night but they try not to talk about him but i can't help it. even if i try not to i can't help it. it's either sit with my head down don't answer the phone that is the only way i can't talk about him. thanks peggy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunshine Princess Jaelynn Posted June 29, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2018 rebekahs mom: I'm very happy for you, you and your daughter must be very proud of your son. Congrats to him! Bea: Yes in the very same boat. I'm still in that googling stage as well. Seeing if I'm the only mother in this world to back up into their child and resulting in death. According to my therapist and people around me it happens more than I think. That still doesn't give me peace though. I know what you mean about spending more than half your life with this horrible feeling. I'm 28 and thinking I'm going to go the rest of my life without my Jaelynn isn't comforting at all. Having our laps full but still empty, having our other 2 children but still feeling empty. Having a part of our family puzzle missing is a huge burden on us and our families. I hate that we are going through this, I embrace you! Mermaid Tears: Thank you for your comforting words. I know you say that we will get through this and I'm waiting for that day anxiously. I hate feeling and being this person ive turned into. I just hope it passes and I come at least close to the person I was before this. I know it has caused mental and emotional stress on all levels for me. I just wish we could ALL go back and fix it all but we cant and its something I have to live with forever. Hugs Wishing you all the best as you can be right now Stephanie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KJs Mommy Always Posted June 29, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2018 Thank you for the beautiful and encouraging words Mermaid Tears, because they came right on time. I got my baby boy’s ashes today along with the memorial necklace and bracelet with his ashes in it. It’s just not fair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted June 29, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2018 Susan, your words today filled many hearts with new hope. Great timing in this terrible time for all of our Newbies. I hope that you all will listen and try to let go a bit of your guilt today...it simply is the most harmful kind of material in your mind/body. Try very hard to imagine what your Child would hope for you, or try to imagine giving advice to another parent going through early grief...would you tell them to keep up the guilt, or would you try to help them lay some of it down? We know the answer, and yes, it is easier said than done, but folks, grief is so terribly exhausting, guilt only makes it worse. Maybe try to designate a half hour of guilt free time, a time for a walk, and when guilt comes into the brain as I know it will, do something positive or tell yourself something positive to make yourself free of it for 30 minutes. Peg, yep here, was very busy last week with Grandies, and with some busy work that had to get done, but am more free today. Yep, I was how you were Peg, if folks wanted to talk with me, I had to talk about my Girl, she was all that was on my mind, on my heart, so there she was in all of my conversations. Had to be that way for me. And again, if folks can learn to listen and be present with us while we are in early grief, chances are they will remain your close confidants throughout life. A trust is formed from traveling this grief alongside us, and that is a forever kind of friend/family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted June 29, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2018 Peggy....I hope you know you have a special place in my heart....for you lost your only child. There are many shades of grief I have learned. Please just go with your instinct. If you feel like wrapping a warm blanket around yourself...and being alone....and just licking your wounds...do it. There are really no magic words we can post on this site...but many parents have been 'right where you are now'....and we remember the physical pain...it would cut right through me. I also remember feeling like someone punched me in the stomach and down I would go in pain...down on my knees. It certainly sounds dramatic for the folks out there that has never had this kind of grief....but to parents that have....this is a normal part of our grief. Please for now...just listen to your inner guide...your instinct....and it will lead you and help you. If you feel like talking about your son...do it....if you feel like talking to no one...then...just chill. Remember ...you are the Star of your movie....and for now....the Star is in a dark and deep place of mourning. Honor your grief and you will honor your son. I do believe you are 'doing ok'....not horrendous...not great....but 'ok'.....and doing 'ok' is fine enough for now. I think some parents expect too much of themselves and the family and friends around them....remember....they are just as lost as you feel....and don't have a clue how to make it better. In fact...I think there are many that 'try' to say the right things and suggest many things....they are just grabbing at what words they can find in the air...let them be human....and remember.....you are simply human, too....a real human Mama that misses her boy....be good to yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Dee....I am doing very well. I, too, have been busy....Pibby and her friends come over....they swim....then they eat...then they binge watch ...then go back in the pool....I let Pibby and her friends plan a 'surprise birthday party for a friend'.....those girls were over early in the morning....and they created crepe paper flowers and streamers, signs..and photo booth and lots of glitter and giggles....and I took them to the Dollar store to buy 'stuff' and they had such a shopping trip....they had so much fun creating the party....I don't think I can ever vacuum up all the glitter on my tile floors and patio....have had lots of family gatherings...lots of company coming and going...June was busy...hopefully...July will settle down some....I know you are enjoying your time off with your Grandies.... Veto is thriving....he now knows where everything is at Nonnie's house...crackers, cookies and toys....he loves lawnmowers and tractors....a friend came by...we have known each other since birth....started first grade and graduated...our parents were close friends....Hunter Bear jumping from a cliff in Maui...I have a photo of John David the same age jumping from a cliff in Acapulco...cannot find it....Hunter Bear also went to Colorado for a week hiking the mountains...Mama and Veto....Austin performed at the SXSW festival in Austin...since then...he has been asked to perform at other places...this is a place in Corpus....he keeps his 'day job'....this is a grand passion of his...I have another grandson, Alex, getting married at Kemah in July..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 well i manage to get out to pay a few bills the place wasnt crowded so that was good its so hard being in places brought a few things to put by victors grave the dirt is still fresh there it seems so unreal that im putting things on his grave now im home trying to figure out what to do with myself to occupy my mind but nothing helps im sure all of you get what i mean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members donnamaria Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 mermaid tears you have a beautiful family God Bless all of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 Susan, how terrific to see those wonderful pictures of the family and friends. Fantastic memories created and shared with your Forum friends. Thanks, it warms my heart. I see how hot it is down your way. That pool shot looks so inviting. And imagine sitting in a bikini and eating a burger. Oh, for those days! I know that we can not turn back the hands of time and undo this terrible loss we have suffered. What I have come to understand is that I am not alone in my sorrow. We have to to realize that here in this place we can share and open up. To know that during those lowest of lows that we will not be alone. That others get it and will reach out to us in compassion and understanding. So many different stages to this whole grief process. Each one of us goes at it in our own way as unique to us as our child was. We keep going and somehow find the courage and confidence after a period of time to make that huge step out into the world again. We will find that we are stronger than we ever thought ourselves to be. We do it for them and for our other loved ones and for ourselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted June 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 this is what appeared when I tried (before) to get on this site....sent an email to Dee and Laurie.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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