Loss of an Adult Child

[KJs Mommy Always]

Hello Kira’s mom,

Thank you for your response and the warm welcome. Luckily I have family in town to help me with my other children. I’m really sorry for the loss of your daughter. How are you in your journey? Are things more tolerable after 7 years? Do you still break down? I know everyone grieves differently. 

[Jeff's Mom]

KJ's Mommy, I am so sorry for your loss. Your child was just beautiful. Luanne could not have put it better. We are all in this together and you do not have to walk this road alone. Things do become bearable after a period of time. You learn how to carry your loss. It is a difficult road to walk and takes a long time to find new ways to cope. Take heart that there are many on the site that have been here for quite some time and stay to offer support and encouragement.

Luanne, are you kidding me? The furnace on? it was 92 yesterday. At least the positive is that it was not humid at all. It appears to be cooling off nicely this evening. 

[ericasmom]

KJ's Mom, what a beautiful Boy, what a precious smile. I know your heart is in pieces, tiny pieces adn yet you have little ones to take care of so I am sending prayers of strength and hope. YOu are BRAND new to grief, please be very good to yourself as you find your footing. Drink a lot of water to replace what you are crying out, and try to eat some small meals that include protein to keep you going. Lord knows and so do we, that the road ahead is bumpy Dear, so hang on to our hands and we will hang onto yours, we know.

Luanne, it feels like a night in mid October tonight. Down in the 50's. Odd. It rained so hard that our gardens were under water again. Tomorrow it should be warmer with partly sunny skies...let's hope so.

[MargeeTx]

KJ'S MOMMY:   Your baby is absolutely precious.  I want to hold him, feel his litttle fingers, and smell the baby smell.  I am so very sorry for your loss.  I will keep you and your family in my heart and prayers.

 

[Bea8924]

Kj'sMommy: so sorry for your loss. I have been here for about a month since my 4 year old passed and I urge you to stay. These parents have helped me so much and I know they will help you through your tough time as well. 

It's 2am and I'm in the ER cause my 6year old got sick and was having difficulty breathing. He seems fine after a breathing treatment but just waiting on the DR. I'm having feeling of guilt being here. It's the same hospital my daughter was brought to. I feel like I'd of been here with her when she got sick. Only I was too late for her. Just trying to stay strong.

[NiquesMom]

KJ mommy: I also have a KJ (Kyle James). He is 5. I lost my 18  year old daughter  6 months ago.  What i can tell you is that eventually it will not hurt to breathe,  you will not cry all day.  I do have moments of happy,  but I think of her every minute.  I mean every minute,  I think about her more now.  I always thought about her and worried about her,  but she is always in my mind now. 

Big hugs to you,  I am so sorry you are here. 

[My girl is in heaven]

kJs mom. Yes I still break down at times, I’m sure all of us do. But it does get less ,  griefs tight grip starts to loosen a little now and again, tiny tiny pinholes of light start to poke thru.  I can’t give u an appt xact time frame cause it’s different for all of us. But when I was in your spot I had absolutely no intention of living 7 hours, 7 days, 7 months and certainly not 7 years later.  But I am , still here that is and all these wonderful moms who are at various stages and times in thier grief journey are too.  It is a constant in the hole and back out and in the hole again. You won’t probably feel it at first but every time u crawl out your a little stronger and will do so just a little bit faster.  But that wil all come when your ready for it.  Remember we walk every step of this road together here.  Hugs.

 

and yes Kate really, the furnace and this morning it is cold and overcast again.  Had to close my window as just too cold.  Send me some of your heat please.

Kira’s ....mama

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Bea, hope your 6 year old is ok. And you weren’t too late for your daughter dear.  I used to feel the same about my daughter, that I got there too late to save her. It was not then and still isn’t in our hearts to do harm to our children. We would have moved a mountain to save them. U can search every corner of the world and we will never get the answers to the what if’s.  Take care.  Let us know how your six year old is doing. 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[Tommy's mum]

kjsmommy oh my I echo what others have already said he is just adorable. i am so sorry you had him taken away from you what a horrible shock and not to have answers either is so difficult. this site is chockfull of wonderful people who understand the loss of a child is lifelong and so very very personal and will help to support you when ever you need it. how old are your girls?

bea being in the same hospital is bound to bring up bad memories and cause extra anxiety. Take care of yourself and i hope your little man gets better soon. I think you are coping really well considering the newness of your loss.

virginia so glad things are changing for the better and falling into place for you re the job in Florida. yes you cannot move away from your sadness it will come along with you but a new job new place etc will I am sure refocus your mind positively and help you get ahead and move forwards. Being away from that road will definitely ease your heart. Good luck.The unexpected gift from your precious Nique must truly warm your heart a definite sign for you.

kate I have some blue agapanthus that is one of my favourite flowers and the last 2 years it has behaved pretty poorly. I told it this year that if it didnt bloom it was out of here, then gave it a chance and cared more for it and I have 6 blooms coming! Small successes warm the heart. My roses have also been the best ever this year mainly due to the sunnier warm weather so I have some to pick and put inside to enjoy.

Hope everyone finds a small bit of happiness doing something this weekend and is able to recharge for the week ahead.

[donnamaria]

kjmommy im so very sorry for your loss i lost my son victor on june 10th 2018 even though he suffered from alot of illnesses we still dont know his cause of death he was 35 years old my youngest child i will keep you and your family in my prayers the people here are very nice and have helped me as this is so new for me i have suffered loss before but nothing like this so i come here to cry to shout and people listen once again im so very sorry

[donnamaria]

well here goes let me tell you about my dream last night i was in my house i went to turn on a light but none of the lights worked so i said oh no there must be a power outages then i hear victors voice but i cant understand him and i go victor be easy with me ok because your a ghost so dont scare me and the all of a sudden hes holding my hands and i can feel his hands holding mine and im telling him how much i love and miss him im just hugging and kissing him telling him i love him and to forgive me and hes telling me i know mom and he loves me too then he says he has to go and i tell him not to forget to come and get me and he says he wont and i say dont take too long and then he goes out and open window i can still feel how his hands felt at that moment just like when we use to pray before we ate we always held eachothers hands but what was strange is that his bed was on the other side of the livingroom in my dream and the window he went out of was a small window but this dream made me both happy and sad im so happy i got to hold him and tell him i love him and here his voice but i know it will only be in dreams and that makes me so sad i love and miss him so much 

 

[ericasmom]

Donnamaria- you had a VISIT! Wow, how nice. I have had a few over the 15 years, and one that came early on like this one for you...it was an immediate warmth and I felt 'high' all day, could also feel her skin, could see her clearly, she also could not stay long in each of these...I am so happy for you, for this message to you is clear: he is not gone forever, and he will be there when it is time for you...but we have to wait until it is our natural time. Peaceful and lovely day to you.

[ericasmom]

Oh Bea, I hope that your Boy is fine...the weather has been crazy around here, so anyone with asthma has had extra difficulty, too much mold from too much rain. I know that being back at the ER has got to be unnerving, you are doing what you must...and when your Little Beauty was ill, the doctor sent you home with no big worries. You did what you were supposed to do, so try if you can to listen to that good heart of yours, and know that you did not fail your Daughter.

[ericasmom]

We just returned from a viewing and did not attend the mass, I don't do well at church anymore...but the visitation was for a 30 year old young man, who struggled for manyyears with addiction. Just plain sadness. We are neighbors and good friends with Bud's aunt, so we went to support the family and friends. Marion, my neighbor, was very close to Bud, and her own Daughter, Michelle,  went to school with Erica, so we all know one another. Jean, Bud's mom was there smiling and greeting everyone, much the same way I did, 15 years ago. I am sad for what she will have to travel. Home now, glad to be home now.

 

Sandy, how are you?

Laurie?

Gretchen?

Leah?

Georgina?

Becky?

[shorty16]

Donnamaria,

Consider yourself very fortunate.  This visit will bring you peace as time goes on.  Not all parents get to experience what you did.  

Wow

Colleen, Brian's mom forever 

[KJs Mommy Always]

I just want to thank all of you for your kind words. I’m living moment to moment. One moment I have enough strength to take a shower, and the next moment all I want to do is cry. I’m so sorry for all of your losses..God knows I am. I’m sorry that we aren’t bound by joy and happiness but I’m thankful that I have all of you to help me through my journey and I hope that I can help someone else. Bea8924 I hope your daughter is doing better, and I know how it feels to have to go back into the same hospital that your baby went into. I’ve had to do it myself and I’ve ridden past the hospital that my son was born in. NiquesMom, My Son was Kyle Jordan. I’m sorry about the loss of your baby girl. It’s so hard! There are so many people that don’t understand and they have no idea what to say. I’ve been having so many visitors. I’m in the Army and everyone from my organization have been coming to bring food, and showing their support, and i truly appreciate it but there’s nothing anyone can do to bring my baby back to me. I don’t want anymore visitors. Tommy’s mum, my girls are 15, 8, and 21 months. My youngest daughter and KJ were only 14 months apart. Donnamaria, I’m sorry to hear about your son, and I’m thankful that we have somewhere to go for comfort and encouragement. You and I are new to the loss of a child and it’s debilitating. I was a runner last week, and a strong Soldier in the Army, since my son passed I haven’t been able to walk without hurting. I just sit and stare at the wall, or pretend like I’m watching tv so I won’t upset my kids. My mom really upset me by telling me that I’m still young and I can have another baby when I’m ready. My aunt told me that I can adopt another baby. They’ve been blocked from my phone. I only want to be surrounded by positive people. Yesterday I was given this beautiful ring as a gift as a reminder of my son. It’s his birth stone, Citrine. 

[donnamaria]

hugs to all of you today is a hard day thinking about the last saturday i seen victor alive how happy he was and how in a blink of and eye it was taken away its been a very emotional day for me going back to that time all these thoughts go through my head today he got a letter in the mail saying one of his benefits got cut off because he was deceased there it was staring at me in bold letters my son my baby is gone i will visit the cemetary later and talk to him like i always do write in his journal today is my late husbands birthday hard to believe he has been gone 8 years vic is buried right in back of us so i can visit them both at the same time i never would of believed that i would be visiting my youngest child at the cemetary my heart is so hurting today its funny me and victor couldnt wait for the week ends no dialysis a free week end watching boxing ufc wrestling and of course vikings football when the season started now the week end is full of sadness of dreams that will never be a thoughts of why didnt i of guilt and pain its so hard trying to be strong i just take one second at a time i dont understand so much i guess im not meant to i just know that i miss my baby so much i love him so just hoping i can get through these days 

[KJs Mommy Always]

Donnamaria,

I have an idea of how you feel and I wish I could take our pain away. My son just died on Monday and it’s been a hard few days. You’ll be in my prayers, and I hope you’ll do the same for me. God bless you, and sending many hugs your way.

[daveydow1]

Donnamarie------I am sorry for your loss of your dear son.  You have come

to a site where there is a lot of understanding. Yes....I agree....it feels so very

strange when people think that because you are out, or doing the things that

you used to do, that you must be ok.  This, of course, is not the case....escpecially

early on in this journey.  I'm so glad that you had a dream of your son.  The 'signs',

and dreams we are fortunate enough to get along this road are our treasures to

hold onto. No one can take them away from us, and we hold them close to the heart.

 

Virginia-----Oh,....I so remember the 6 month mark. It is an especially painful point.

I'm glad that you made it to your support group.

KJsmom-----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear sweet little baby boy. He is a

real beautiful baby. I lost my baby girl, Lisa, many years ago---under similar circumstances.

A parent suffers tremendously when a little baby dies. I also lost my son, David, at age 31,

15 years ago, and the loss is also painful. I hope that you will come back to this site. Parents here, have

lost children at various ages, and it's the loss that binds us together, with others who truly

understand. Peace to you.  

 

LouAnn----thanks for the lovely pics of the beautiful pink clouds.  A site in nature

to just hold onto as long as you can.

Dee------Sorry to hear of the young man's death.  Yes, difficult to attend wakes/visitations,

but so good of you to go and support all your friends, neighbors, and the family.  We, too,

have seen lightning bugs. About a week ago, we were on the back patio, and it was one

of those hot humid nights.  There were a lot of lightning bugs blinking in the backyard....

a site that takes many of us back to childhood a good summer memory.

Lesley------A sign for sure.---- finding the penny on the kitchen counter. What a nice sign.---

Tommy smiling down on you.

Peggy----I agree with Lesley----Just post/read as you feel you want to. The broken heart that

finds its way here to this site is always welcome.  In the early times on this grief road, we feel

as though we are sinking fast, and is so understandable that you feel you could not really help 

anyone else.  Everyone's post is valued, and we all help each other along the way.

Dianne----thanks for your kind words about the flowers pic. I take loads of pics of flowers, but I

don't often post them because I'm not very proficient at that   ---Oh well.

Kate-----Thanks for the great pics of the beach, flowers etc.  You are a good photographer, and

the scenes/ flowers are beautiful.

Bea8924------I hope your little boy is feeling better now.

 

WISHING  COMFORT  AND  PEACE  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry  

 

 

 

[KJs Mommy Always]

Thank you daveydow1,

i needed those kind words. I’m sorry that you’ve experienced so much grief losing your children. I’m afraid for my children that are still living to do anything, I’m afraid I’ll lose them too. This is a hard life. 

[ericasmom]

LESLEY...I don't know if I told you how happy I am that you received a message from Your RED-HEADED-BOY! Sherry's post reminded me, love the penny waiting for you.

KJ's Mom, did your Mom say this out of love? I know it is hard to filter through all that folks say, but often folks simply say the wrong thing but have good intentions. I love the citrine ring, so very pretty. How are your girls doing? I am glad that you have a lot of support from fellow soldiers, and yes, at some point, we just want everyone to leave us alone, but we don't know if alone is good either. To not have energy right now makes sense, once a runner now it hurts to do anything, but shock is like that, it zaps you and your immune system. Be gentle with yourself, drink plenty of water and small protein meals.

[donnamaria]

so my nervous are shattered today being saturday my mind keeps going back to that last saturday he was alive i cant stop crying i want him here so much my heart aches so i miss him so much 

[Bea8924]

Thank you all for the support. It was a long night. My son was given a breathing treatment for his abnormal breathing and he is his happy playful self again. He needs an inhaler for the next 2days but all is well. 

 Luanne: When I was at the hospital I couldn't help feeling the way I did but reading your response was just what i needed, thank you. 

While we were at the hospital a social worker came to offer us bereavement groups for us and my child. So hope to reach out to them sometime next week. My son Ethan, is starting to get sad that his sister is not around any more. So I want to make sure he is ok. I had so many plans for the kids this summer. I would always go workout with them in my double stroller and after wards I would take them to the park. I haven't got back to my workout routine cause Nezzy was my workout partner. I would pop in a workout DVD and she would mimic my every move. With summer here, I'm gonna miss her alot. But I have to make sure Ethan stays preoccupied while he's not in school. That's gonna be the hard part. I'm a have to reach out to parents to plan play dates when in reality I'm not ready to reach out to anyone. But I will do anything I have to do for my kids. Just like I did all I could for Nezzy.

[peggy a sad mom]

thank you sherry.... i love to know someone is reading and thinking of me. i do that for everyone i read and i think and feel for everyone on this site. i am so sorry we are all here. 

[Rose913]

My son was 27 years old.  Out of High School he graduated a year early with honors.  Started a University, but drug abuse took over.  By the time he was 24, he decided it was time to get serious about life.  He got clean, and came back home.  Worked for a year.  The next year he started back to school in a local technical college for a year making the Deans List, and worked a part time job.  Then, he reapplied to the original University and GOT ACCEPTED!  He felt so good about himself.  He completed his first semester majoring in Pre-Law on the Deans List.  We were so proud of Him!  The night before he was to start his Junior year, (National Football Championship) the roads had black ice, and he had been drinking.  He lost control and had a violent accident causing brain shear and went into cardiac arrest.  We don’t know how long he went without oxygen, but he suffered anoxic brain damage to the brain stem.  After 2 days, he awakened.  He had to fight for his life.  My son was quadriplegic and on a ventilator.  He was locked-in.  My son fought for 5 months with some ability to communicate with us at times and minimal purposeful movements.  He struggled to fight secondary infections and suffered a big setback.  The doctors said he would not get better.  We asked the Dr. to “let him go.”  No more suffering.  But now we are struggling with our decision.  Is there a heaven?  We have this huge gaping hole in our lives.  He was the oldest of 3 boys and going to college with his youngest brother.  Everyday the reality becomes clearer and my depression gets worse.  I can’t believe he’s gone FOREVER!

[Rose913]

I love this song for our son Nathan.  He loved the outdoors, and this looks a lot like our home place...not as big though.

[shorty16]

Rose,

You made the best decision at the time.  I too have questioned my decisions.  It is normal to second guess ourselves when the decision changes our lives so dramatically.

Be kind to yourself.  

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

[donnamaria]

Two weeks ago you left us and my life hasnt been the same i just want you to forgive me for not staying in the room with you that saturday night i just cant forgive myself im so sorry Victor please please forgive me i cant stop crying i need you here with me my heart is so broken i keep going over it in my head why didnt i stay in the room i can never forgive myself the guilt is unbearable the loss is too much i love and miss you so much 

[shorty16]

Donnamaria, And other newbies

please be kind to yourself.  We all made the best decision for us at the time.  None of us are mind-readers.  We cannot see the future.  If we could, we would not be here, because we would have moved heaven and earth to save our babies.

I too suffered from guilt after Brian died.  And people would say the same thing to me that I said to you.  But what I learned is self-imposed guilt, self-torture is not bringing our babies back.  We are hoping for the past to change and it never can.  I was suffering from something that, in the big picture, made no difference in the outcome.  My boy is still an angel. This reality takes a long time to accept.  A long time.  Until then, we suffer from self-imposed guilt.

This is where "please be kind to yourself " comes in.  

I once asked a nice man on this site "when will I stop this self torment?"  He said " You will beat your head against the wall until you just cannot beat your head against the wall anymore."  This is tough.  Most of us have to go through it.

Hope this helps

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[donnamaria]

Thank you shorty16 i try to take this one second at a time but then the guilt eats away at me we will never understand why God choose our loved ones why we must live this nightmare why God choose me to be a member of the two clubs no one wants to join there is so much heartache right now i want to be happy for Victor like he would say when he talked about if God took him first i remember how he would say mom please take care of yourself because if you died i would go crazy they would have to put me in the crazy house because i love you so much and every day he showed me how much he loved me i look at his old posts on fb and see the love he had for me how he prayed for me its so beautiful death leaves such and empty place leaves us alone even if we are surrounded by many people the hole in our heart grows deeper like a knife being plunged in it again and again tears that will never stop anguish guilt sorrow memories that touch us right down to our very soul wanting answers where there is none wanting to know why the question that cant be answered i wish i could take all our pain away that we could all wake up and this was just someones bad nightmare oh how i wish thank you all for being here for me to let me cry and vent and shout as i go through this horrible journey if you pray please keep me in yours as this road that God has me traveling onis the hardest road i ever had to travel 

[Rose913]

Shorty, I need to hear what you said about the self torment.  DonnaMaria, I do t know about you, but as a mother I have always suffered with guilt.  I believe it to be part of being a mother.  We constantly question our decisions when they are alive, but it seems we torment ourselves with guilt when they are gone.  I wonder if it’s our way of displacing all of the love we can no longer show them.  I told him as he was dying, “I’m sorry!”  I’ve said it so many times afterwards.  I need his forgiveness.

[Jeff's Mom]

Rose, thank you for sharing your Nathan with us. My heart reaches out to you as I understand only too well the heartache you are experiencing at this time. None of us on this site ever thought we would have to walk this path. In reading your post I saw a young man that had chosen to overcome his challenges and work at setting things right. Yes, you were proud... and so you should be. Nathan sounds like he was a wonderful young man. You did what has to be the most difficult thing any parent can be asked to do. Out of your love for him you asked that they set him free from his suffering. He was. The pain you carry at this time must seem unbearable. It has been eight years since my son died. I felt much as you do when he first passed away. Nothing appeared to matter to me any longer. It will take a long time and a huge amount of effort on you part to find a place that you are comfortable with in carrying your loss. It will come. 

Faith is an individual thing. We all have our own belief system. I chose to hold on to mine with both hands and there were times that I felt so defeated that I could not envision carrying on. Somehow I was given the strength. Is heaven for real? You bet it is. Life does continue after this one. Please do not allow yourself to think that you will never see him again. Take comfort in the fact that this is a temporary separation and one day you will see him again waiting to greet you when it is your time. I know that may seem like small comfort right now as you just want him back. I get it. We can't turn back the hands of time. We have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Celebrate everything that your special boy was in your life. He has not left you in that way. he is along for the ride. All the way. Until you meet again.

[KJs Mommy Always]

Hi ericasmom,

I really don’t know what my mom’s intentions were. We aren’t close, and she never met my son or my 21 month old daughter. She never offered to or anything, so the fact that she just keeps asking me what happened to my son is like a slap in the face. I understand that sometimes people simply don’t know what to say. Two of my daughters are doing well, but my oldest 15 year old isn’t doing too well. Thanks for the compliment on my ring. I’m waiting for my some to be cremated so that I can bring him home, and I have a bracelet and a necklace with some of his ashes being made as well. I’m rambling. Hugs to everyone today.

[ericasmom]

KJ's mom, you are not rambling, simply having a conversation, love knowing more about each of our Newbies...please feel free to talk here. I am sorry that your Mom is not close to you, when my Daughter was born, my mom and dad disowned me for reasons from my youth, (abuse) and so I know how hard it is to have a mom not close to your heart. Your 15 year old is going to have a rough time, it already is such a hard age to manage, but with grief and loss, it makes it harder. Are there counselors available through the service for yoru Girl?

 

[donnamaria]

well i managed to go to church today the service wasnt in the chapel but in the gym as after they were having a going away party for the head of the church who is going to a new assignment the service was short family members were there so i talked to them ate a little i did go in the chapel before i left and prayed i did manage to rest a little when i got home being there  took a toll on me went to the cemetary they put up a name tag with is name it seems so unreal im gonna work on getting him a stone its raining again here it seems to a little bit every day .  im going to try and get through the rest of the day sunday is very hard for me i lost my husband on a sunday and now my son 

[Tommy's mum]

donnamaria a dream visitation those are rare and so special treasure that forever. Now you know your boy is well and safe.

kysmom I am sorry your mom is not supportive it really helps to have understanding people around you but not everyone can cope with sudden death of a child. people will come and go through your grief journey but those that stay are beyond treasure. Your teen daughter will be struggling as she already has the up and down hormones that can make her difficult or isolate herself as she tries to navigate her way through the world as an adolescent. The teen years are the hardest to deal with without also having grief thrown in poor girl. Counselling is usually available at school or privately or perhaps through a church, but dont be surprised if she refuses it, sometimes you need to be further along to be receptive and participate fully. love the ring anything that holds special meaning of your child is priceless.

rose you will absolutely see your son again and be able to hold him just not until your earth time is done. He is always with you by your side. Ask him to help you when you are struggling and just chat to him like you did before he will hear you. He does not need to forgive you you need to forgive yourself to get any kind of peace in the future. Yes parents always feel responsible for their child even if the child is an adult and because we are closely connected with them we celebrate their happy events and are sad along with them when things have not turned out well. guilt is very destructive both to physical and mental health so please realise you are not at fault in any way and did the best you could at the time it happened.

6 hours ago, shorty16 said:

 But what I learned is self-imposed guilt, self-torture is not bringing our babies back.  We are hoping for the past to change and it never can.  I was suffering from something that, in the big picture, made no difference in the outcome.  My boy is still an angel. This reality takes a long time to accept.  A long time.  Until then, we suffer from self-imposed guilt.

This is where "please be kind to yourself " comes in.  

I once asked a nice man on this site "when will I stop this self torment?"  He said " You will beat your head against the wall until you just cannot beat your head against the wall anymore."  This is tough.  Most of us have to go through it.

such true words though colleen thanks for making that point so clearly.

 

 

so sad to invite newbies to our group when you know how sad and despairing they are but being able to offer understanding and a friendly hand to hold is without price. Each one of us is going through our own stuff but being able to show empathy to others makes you realise you are not alone. Share when you feel able to whenever you need to. The newness and rawness of early grief makes those of us who are further along realise we are also making headway. Small steps small goals

[ericasmom]

Rose, I am so sorry that you lost your Sweet Boy Nathan...I know how proud you are of his giant efforts to find his way again, and he was doing that. So that will always be the strength of your Nathan, that he could fight his addiction and come back from it. You will be able to always have that pride in him. He will likely be so proud of you too, for many things but also for the ultimate decision you had to make. I had to make that decision too Rose, though it was clear that Erica was going to die within a week more, but we had the machines turned off 6 days after she too was in a violent crash, Amtrak hit her car at a broken for 14 months crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. She lived for 6 days but never as the Girl who loved her buddies and her family...she was never going to be Erica again, her brain-stem was nearly severed and she had multiple brain bleeds all around her brain. My girl looked like My Erica, but her fists looked like stumps adn her toes too, as she was posturing, a sign of severe brain damage. I know that Erica would hate, HATE being kept alive by machines, she was a free spirit and needed us to set her free. My former husband, her Daddy, was terribly unsure about letting her go, but deep down, he believed the doctors too, that even if she lived, which was highly unlikely, she would never likely know speech or physical movement or anything at all again. NO, hardest decision but also the one Our kids are probably cheering us on for. Rose, nothing is harder than losing your Child, know that you didn't do this to him, life took such an unexpected curve and he died. He will always be y our Boy, and you, his Momma.

 

[KJs Mommy Always]

Hi everyone,

ericasmom-My daughter is already in therapy due to some issues that she’s been having so they’re helping her with this tough time. As for myself, Tuesday, the day after my son passed I went to see a psychologist, and I was giving an anxiety medication and a sleep medication. How are you feeling today?

donnamaria-I’m sorry to hear about your hard day. Sundays are bad for you, and tomorrow will make a week that I’ve been without my baby boy. God I miss him so much. 

I went to church this morning and it was a sad experience. I cried the whole time and the entire church stood up to pray for me; I appreciated the prayer, but this is now my new life. A life of sadness. I’m the sad grieving mother of the cute little baby. Tomorrow makes a week that my son hasn’t been in my arms. I hate waking up. My son was supposed to grow up and be a man, and to love his mom. Why can’t I have my son when I took such good care of him and some mothers abuse and hurt their kids? But their kids are still here. I hate my life. 

[Sunshine Princess Jaelynn]

My girl is in heaven: I hope that day comes soon because I'm killing myself everyday. My thoughts, my flashbacks, my guilt, my anxiety and my paranoia don't help at all. There's days when I'm ok and days when I'm a complete mess. I'm trying and right now I hope it's enough. Hugs 

Tears in heaven: You're welcome for the video. I was sure it would help. It spoke volumes to me and I hoped it would to you all as well. Yes use it as a tool for your daughter to start opening up to you. Hugs 

Daveydow1: You're welcome for video. I also think grief and fear come hand in hand. It's something I think about everyday. Oh my, I can't believe they said that at Lisa's wake. I'm so sorry that happened. How could they not know they were sending 1000 knives straight into your heart?! Very very selfish and lack of compassion towards your Lisa, your family and you! Again I apologize for their dumb insensitive comment. The other day I went to visit my former coworkers at the school I use to work at. One of the custodians came up to me to give his condolences. It was all nice until he said "Who knows, maybe God will send you another little girl to REPLACE her"..... WHAT?! Omg, I know my face flared up. I held my tongue and was short with him after that. Ugh, how that hurt! REPLACE? Nobody and nothing will replace Jaelynn. 1000 knives right into my heart. Hugs

Bea: I'm with you on the using usernames. I apologize to everyone as well. It's a lot of people. A lot of different stories, a lot of generous support. I wonder what are beautiful daughters are up to in heaven today? Riding their unicorns? Painting rainbows in the sky? Lovely to think about

Tommy's mum: What is EMDR? I'm open to any and all that will help me right now. I knew what happened was traumatic but when she told me I have ptsd it made sense. She explained that the flashbacks and the dazing out are because of ptsd. I feel crazy, I know deep down I'm not but i feel like i am. Especially how everyone treats me now. Like I'm a delicate piece of glass that will break when touched. Over concerned, pushy family members doesn't help either. "What are you gonna do stephanie?" "Get a job stephanie" "You need something to get your mind occupied stephanie", it's overwhelming. I know they mean well but it stresses me out. Am I wrong for feeling like that? Ok I'm changing my username today. Hugs 

Niques mom: you are not crazy, you are hurting. Your mind doesn't let you rest. Cry as much as you need to, let it out. I'm glad you're going to a support group and that it's helping you. As long as it's helping that's what matters. Hugs 

Mermaid Tears: I love that picture! It's beautiful! Was it professionally taken? Hugs 

Everyone: I have to say that I'm truly blessed to have all of your support. With no support from my husband and my family being over concerned about me I feel like you all get me. I don't feel like I'm crazy or that I'm at fault or that I'm totally alone in this. With that said thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hugs to all of you <3

Love Sunshine Princess's Momma

Stephanie

(Was the Guilt)

[donnamaria]

i hate this new life that ive been given the hurt the pain the guilt the whys i keep asking my self why didnt they remove his dialysis port it was infected what happened that no machines went off how was he in icu and found unresponsive and no alarms are going off and the biggest one of all why didnt i stay in the room with him that night thats the guilt i live with every day i was there at the hospital i should of stayed in the room with him if i wasnt there it would of been different but i was maybe things still would of been the same i dont know but i would of been there with him that night comforting him when his dialysis port was bleeding theres so much going through my mind i just miss my son so much i know im babble on but i dont know what to do my every though is my son even when people are talking to me watching tv everything hes constantly on my mind i know all of you know how i feel this pain is unreal thank you for being here and listening and letting me pour out my heart im a wreck emotionally 

[My girl is in heaven]

Donna Marie.  I love your dream of Victor. Hold on to that.  We never know when we might get another crumb to hang on to.  Your Victor knew you were there. He left peacefully when god  called called his name, knowing his mama loved him so.  No guilt or whys there my friend.  He’s free of his pain.  Remember there are no tears in heaven.  He is soaring with all of our angels.  Hugs

Stephanie...hey Sunshine Princess Jaelynns  momma.  See that’s who you are.  I’m glad you changed your name.  And yes right now you are trying and that is huge.  Just breath.  At the beginning someone told me to just handle one day don’t look any further, if not possible then take the next hour or even down to a minute if you have to. Let all the guilt, flashbacks, what ifs have thier way, run thier time. They won’t last forever but we do have to face them head on. No side stepping grief. Just full on head thru it. Oh I’m so glad you changed your name.  Really they said replace her, get a job??.  My daughter died in the bath tub and some one said to me “well I don’t let my kids shower with the door locked”.  I don’t even respond to those people, cause they aren’t worth my time or energy. You have come to a Good place here.  As far as family, we’ll i didn’t get a good one either.  But Sharing DNA  has nothing to do with being loved or cared about. You will always be held up here.  

KJs mommy. That was nice everyone at church stood up to pray for you.  Yes you are the grieving mom right now with the sad life.  And part of that will always be for us. But someday grief will loosen its grip little by little.  I think of it as a thin scab formed over my heart, so I’d does heal.  But there are things from time to time that will tug at the scar.  You are so new to this journey. I wish I could press fast forward for you and all the newbies to show you a day where the light will shine for you again.  It will come dear friend.  Hold on. 

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Rose.  Yes there absolutely is a heaven. You will see your sweet boy again.  You released him from his pain on this earth. I feel for you and all the other parents who had to make such a profound decision. My Kira didn’t get that far, she was gone by the time I found her. Colleen is right though , self imposed punishment does not bring them back. It doesn’t make you a better griever, or that you loved your child more because you punish yourself.  I know I tried that for years and it doesn’t do anything but pull you deeper into that hole.  I don’t think our kids want to see us torturing ourselves like that.  It may not seem like it now but there will be better days ahead, remember you never have to walk this path alone. We are all here for you.  

Peggy and margee.  How u guys doing.  I know you don’t always feel like posting but I hope you are both reading so you know how many people care about you.  Hugs

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[Bea8924]

Kj'smommy: I agree with you and have been thinking the same thing. About how some parents abuse or neglect their kids. But at the end of the day, I enjoyed every moment with my daughter, I made the 4 short years of her life happy and filled with love. There are no regrets that I have on the type of mother I was to her. Its just sad that my baby girl had to go before me. But her life was beautiful. But some "parents" don't know how good they have it.  I hate that I had to lose my daughter and they are living their life with no idea of the type of pain one goes through with losing a child. I wouldn't wish this pain upon anyone. It's just not fair.

[shorty16]

"self imposed punishment does not bring them back. It doesn’t make you a better griever, or that you loved your child more because you punish yourself"

Love it, Louann.

I also learned, I had to give myself permission to smile and be happy again.  When our child dies, we feel we have no reason, or it is not right to, smile or laugh again.

it is ok to be happy again.  Give yourself permission to smile again.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Laurie. I know today is Taylor James angel date or birth day and am thinking of you.  I know Jessies story but if you don’t mnd me ask g what happened to Tayor James.  Was he born on June 25 to and died 27Th.  Please share your story of your precious boy if you can  I hope he sprinkles a littl something on his mama today 

so you know he is ok. Take care friend. 

 

Luanne......Kira’s mama

[Tommy's mum]

stephanie so so glad you changed your member name Sunshine princess jaelynn is perfect. Something as simple as word changes attitude and self perception and you are far more worthy than that. good for you. Yes family can be difficult to deal with at times even though they love you and want what is best for you. As for getting a job or keeping yourself occupied is crazy at this very early stage. If you are able to stay away from work until you feel less broken and fragile do it. You have therapy to concentrate on and the rest of your children that is more than enough for now. EMDR is eye movement desensitising and reprocessing. It is a therapy used to treat ptsd. it sounds crazy but has been shown to be beneficial for some people. It involves moving your eyes from side to side while recounting what happpened in the accident. The therapist is able to ask questions and let you recount as nuch as you are able to. This prevents the brain from filing away the traumatic event and never dealing with it. The un treated trauma can cause physical and mental distress and symptoms that arise from not being able to speak about it. By dealing with each instance the therapy releases the strong emotions and triggers and promotes self healing. Anything is better than locking away feelings and emotions because all that does is delay the grief for longer and have it reappear years later. Louanne has been open about her struggle seven years on because for so long she unconsciously blocked kira's death because it was such a painful event and has been in a depressed, isolated and  low motivational state for too long. She has made huge strides since joining our group, she is motivated and able to make life choices that are different and more positive and taking more responsibility for her life. I dont think she had EMDR but I know she would be happy to chat with you about her experiences with delayed grief reaction and the steps she is taking to improve her outlook on life and making some peace with losing her girl. Therapy is hard and emotionall painful but can shorten the longevity of acute grief. I was diagnosed with abnormal grief reaction depression and anxiety with a lot of symptoms of PTSD but through therapy have made good progress with less symptoms and a more balanced outlook. does not mean you are crazy or weak or feel ashamed of needing help we are all different individuals who are on the same grief path with different ways of dealing with our loss and with different healing times. The goal is to be eventually at peace as much as you can be with the loss of your child, the ability to function and work etc and be able to positively remember your child in your own way with a more stable mindset and emotion. It is a huge goal that can take a long time to reach but by listening to some of our older members you can be able to see there will be light ahead for you and you will not always feel the way you do now. it does not mean you are ok with losing your daughter none of us are ok with our loss it is unfair and wrong and we will always miss them. 

lou you are so good at remembering names birth and angel dates i stand in awe because I have a memory like a sieve and even forget familiar names when I post sometimes. You are doing so well  despite some personal difficulties, good for you!

kjsmom how nice for people to pray for you. I have a good friend who prays for me even though I do not have faith anymore that is a kind gesture and who knows may help.

donnamaria I am so sorry but nothing you could have done or said would have made a difference to Victor the outcome would be the same. please do not heap guilt or anger at yourself or others that is very destructive to your mental wellbeing. None of us can change what happened to our spirit children no matter how desperately we want to and we have all wanted to believe me. Try to hold onto memories of happier times to help sustain you through the dark times it does help and know your boy is still with you always by your side.

[donnamaria]

Thank you everyone for your kind words they help alot right now i take each day minute by minute i may try and wash clothes today and hang them outside thats if it doesnt rain i read through the posts and see how some of us are alike in our losses some are different but we all come together all of us suffering a parents worse nightmare the loss of a child as we try and lift each other up the best we know how 

[ericasmom]

STEPAHNIE! Love the name change as well. Now to find the light from your Little One and learn to soak it in and bathe your spirit in her love.

KJ's Mom, I agree, love that the church stood to pray for you and the family...I am sending extra hope for your 15 year old as she gets assistance processing all the grief. Remember too, that this is very early in grief, it will change and morph into different kinds of sadness over time. Right now, shock is still a huge piece of your lives.

[4MyM&J]

It’s been just over 2 wks since my boy died. And almost 3 wks since I last kissed his warm face. Getting away for a few days helped immensely, but it made coming home that much harder. My youngest son is with his granny today, and my husband had to go back to work today. So it’s just me in the house this morning, left to let my mind wonder to what was happened and what could of been if my son never was taken. 

Im having a hard time with hate right now. I’m still so mad at god, and my sons father. And I still haven’t been able to get any reports on what happened to my son. All I can think about is what happened to him. The guilt has set in, and I keep asking myself what if’s. I called today to go to grief counseling, and I have an appointment with my doctor today to get something for the panic attacks I’ve been having. I never knew it could hurt so bad to wake up in the mornings. 

I want to share a picture of my boy with you all. My beautiful blue eyed boy, with a smile that truly lit up the world. 

[ericasmom]

What a gorgeous Boy, a smile that will last in your heart for all of time. Hang On. I am glad that you reached out for some assistance in grief...panic attacks are debilitating, we are here for you...