Loss of an Adult Child

[Bea8924]

The day my daughter passed away my husband spoke of ending his life. He said "you will be ok, you don't need me. My baby needs me. I cant  let her be alone" I reassured him that she was with God and that the 2 kids we have together need him. He said he couldn't go on living with this pain. I told him "that pain you have doesn't go away, it's simply transferred onto someone else" (in this case his pain would become mine) he hasn't talked like that since the day of our daughter's passing but we still have a long road ahead of. Today marks one month since my daughter Nezzy died. Next big even is fathers day without her (not looking forward to that) then graduation are coming up and finally he bday Ion Sep.one day closer to reuniting. 

[shorty16]

Bea,

The night My Brian died, my husband said "we have to move from our house.  I cannot live here."  My reply,  "This house is the kids safe-place.  We cannot take that from them, especially now."

The emotions of losing a child are all over the place.  Needless to say, we have been in this house for 20 years and do not plan on moving.

Father of Alex,  After Brian died, I actually went to a see a doctor, because I thought I was going crazy.  I could not keep a thought in my head.  Everything I set down, I lost.  I would be driving somewhere and forget where I was going....on and on.  The doctor said " you are not going crazy, you are grieving."  In the beginning, this grief has its way with you.  Stealing your breath, your thoughts, and your mind. After a while, we learn to deal with grief.  We learn tricks that work for us.  My biggest trick is changing the subject after I am asked how many children I have.

Peggy, how are you?

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Bea8924]

Colleen, would u mind me asking how u have answered that question of how many kids you have? That's one question I'm fearing to answer. But I figured I would answer it as "I am a mother of 3...Ethan who is 6, Haley who is 5 months and Nezzy who would be 5 in september".

[shorty16]

Bea,

My kids are older than yours.  My youngest is 24.  He was 14 when Brian died.

I say,  I have 3 kids, two boys and a girl....How many do you have?  Most people will talk about their children.

here are some other responses that can be considered:

-my kids are just young and fun...thanks for asking.

if they persist

-My kids are 24, 27, and 28.  This weather has been quite hot, cold, rainy..pick a weather system.

I include the age Brian would have been.  Change the subject....the weather is the best...they get the hint.

You have the power to choose who to include and who not to include.  My Brian took an active role in his death.  That is tough to swallow.  My Brian probably came up with the idea of riding on the hood.  That is the way my Brian was...a risk taker.  Brian told us he did not want to be buried when he died, he wanted to be cremated.  What 15 year old tells you how to deal with his body after he dies?

I hope this helped.  Others may also be able to help you

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[ericasmom]

Yes, Bea, I say I have two kids, one who is now 36 and one who would be 34 if she were still here, but died at 19. If I don't feel like sharing that, I simply say that I have two, I have at times said, I have one boy here and one girl who is an angel. It totally depends on who is asking, but I generally share the truth of the matter, figuring the more regular folks face the startling answer, the better they get at talking to folks like us...learning from us what to say and how to say it. One month Bea, may you feel your Sweet Girl nearby. I am glad that you were so strong with your husband, insisting he stay here with you and the kids, good that you let him know that you and the kids do not need anymore ache. We are all holding your hands and you heart.

 

[peggy a sad mom]

Colleen hi how are you. I'm doing the best I can I read all the time I just haven't said anything. Thanks for checking on me

[ericasmom]

Peg, I am glad that Colleen asked after you, and glad that you are out there reading. Are you able to get some rest each day? Colleen, I knew that Erica did some dangerous things as a kiddo, and then after she died, some of her friends told me about some of the things she did and I freaked! I do know however, that the train hitting her was simply a broken crossing and negligence from Amtrak and the city of Kalamazoo. But knowing that Erica did some dangerous activities was hard for me to reconcile.

Lesley, I did not know that you went through such a hard hard time with suicidal try. I am so grateful for your sister to somehow know how to find you, to keep you alive. I am proud of how hard you have worked to stay put and to get stronger, to find the light in the day. Some days bleak, yep, but finding more days with hope is so good. Kate, your words are so very right-on for Lesley.

Has anyone heard from Sara? She came the same week I think, that Peggy came to us...she lives in Chicago and lost a Son. I hope that she is out there and finding her way.

[Sunshine Princess Jaelynn]

Hello everyone. It's been a while. I have to ask, does this pain get worse as the days go by? That's how I'm feeling lately, it's getting harder and worse everyday. I feel more and more and more in the dark. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting farther and farther away. I don't feel like going on anymore. There hasn't been one day that has passed that I don't cry or think about Jaelynn or that horrific day. It's marked in me forever, I don't think I'm going to get better. 

[ericasmom]

Guilt, i need you to know that yes, the days do get worse as you go forward...NOT FOREVER, but for now. For a long while...but remember, the kids need you and they will begin to see the sunshine again, and we must let them...they grieve in different ways. Are you still with a relative? That alone has to make it harder, but yes, no matter how our Child left this earth, we all got much worse before we were able to put things together again. You are new on this road, so new, so the days are going to get harder for a while, it happened for us all, the reality of the Child being gone is far too huge to handle all at once, so we go into shock, as the shock begins to shed, we are raw from the terrible truth of it all. The shock comes off in layers and so we do find some days go along okay and then we lose some more of the shock and feel worse...I can only promise you that it will not always feel this horrible, but you must understand the nature of time with grief...it takes a long time to have energy for much, and you need to have folks around you that can help with the kids so that you can grieve. Holding you,

 

[Sunshine Princess Jaelynn]

Ericasmom: we've been back home since Sunday and my pain has gotten worse. To the point that I want to scream at the top of my lungs! But I don't. I hold it in because of the boys. I'm holding in a lot. Holding my dark thoughts, holding in my pain, holding in my guilt, holding in my anguish. I wake up during the night/morning and the first thing I think of is her, that day or my realization that she's gone. My mind is my evil. It doesn't stop. It doesn't stop the what if's, the questions, the details of that day, her beautiful face with her smile. The other day I saw the neighbor that heard my screams that day outside putting her garbage can out and I went over to her. She told me things about that morning that i don't remember doing or saying. I don't remember grabbing Jaelynn to my chest while i was on the floor screaming for her to wake up, I don't remember telling her what I did and happened to her. I don't remember closing her eyes telling her lifeless body to "open them for momma". Why, why don't I remember? What else is my mind blocking out? Why is my mind blocking things out? I feel so helpless, walking around with pain in my chest and that nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. It should've been me not her! Her life was barley beginning! I hate myself more and more everyday. Why?! Why?!

[NiquesMom]

Sherry, I hope you felt the love of your son yesterday,  I hope you were able to have some peace ❤

[Tommy's mum]

dee and kate your kind words were so appreciated thank you. I try each day as it comes and work at moving forwards literally and mentally. I know the best gift I can give my family is to succeed and get a job etc and be able to find the purpose to life. Some days are more positive than others this bloody ankle really sucks and drags me down, chronic pain is wearing too and i hate the dependency I have as I cant drive etc. Kate you could never be angry with your boy you love him too much. A mother's love transcends everything even a change of worlds.

theguilt I drove to an isolated spot twice and did just that, screamed at the top of my lungs and bawled my eyes out it really helps. It released that burning pain inside that made it hard to breathe. i really hope you have people to lean on especially when your marriage is fragile at the moment. Shock causes mental blackouts we forget details because they are so painful. I am sorry you are suffering so badly and ask if you are under the care of a doctor? perhaps medication would help you through this extremely painful period to keep you more balanced and able to cope better. There is no shame in needing more to help you. Ask for help you and your family deserve it.

peggy glad you are still reading even if you dont post. Sometimes it is just to difficult to put words down but know you are still thought about.

bea you were given good advice on that dreaded question. I reply 4 because 4 children is what I have even though one is in a different place then divert and ask about theirs. You do not have to explain to anyone unless it is your choice to do so and you feel comfortable. Also if you do share you do not have to give any details that is just morbid curiousity on their part.

colleen your comments on grief are so accurate. That is why this forum is so special it is honest and raw and shows many similarities between some of us in an emotional journey. What Brian did was something I could see my Tommy doing. He was impulsive and a risk taker and always up for a laugh and a dare and a quest for a thrill. Teenagers and young adults can be vulnerable in so many ways because they do not see beyond the act.

[Bea8924]

Theguilt: I too replayed the events of that day over and over again. I thought the "what if's" the "I wish" asked all the questions (Still have no answers) I feel like I thought about it so much that I'm not sure what's real anymore. Details about that day are a blur. Hearing my families point of view of what happened that morning is surprising. But what is keeping me going is my family, my kids, and my husband. The pain to deal with it alone is unbearable. It will eat you up and I hope you reach out to family, friends or us on this forum. Share the pain to ease the pain. You are not alone! Push through! 

[Jeff's Mom]

Lesley, it depends on how one defines success. I see a person that honestly gives it their all and works hard to keep going as a success. 

I forgot to mention that when your dad was so ill last winter we all saw how much he meant to you. Your love for him was deep and apparent to all reading. You have nothing to prove to anybody. You have a family that loves you and you love them. Because of their concern for you they want to see you find peace in your life again. I honestly see a huge difference in the past months in your attitude. You seem determined and more upbeat. I honestly mean it when I say to let the guilt go and move on. Looking back over the past and feeling guilt blocks you from focusing on the here and now. it's good to have a plan for the future... but we also need to live in the moment. To take pleasure in those small everyday things that are offered to us. Don't be so hard on yourself. 

Life is a journey and a learning experience. I will say that I will never understand why things happen to people as they do. Fair doesn't seem to come into play as far as I am concerned. We take what we are given and we just have to go with it. I see three children that love you dearly. You raised them to be respectful and independent.  And Tommy without a thought for his own personal safety instantly acted when he saw another in peril and died in the successful attempt at helping him.. That is the definition of a hero to me. You must be bursting with pride.  You raised your son to care about the well-being of others.  Grieving takes us down a path that none of us have chosen.  We would gladly turn back the hands of time if only we could have them back. Perhaps do something differently. We know that can't be. I see all parents that walk this path as people to be so admired. It really is just terrible to have to face it. Yet we do. We get up and we keep going.

 When I was at the beginning of my loss I found I had to keep a list of things to do every day. I also found that when my thoughts drifted towards the black negative thoughts I would force myself to add on the other side of the list some positive things I had to be grateful for. Opening my eyes when I went outside and actually watching life all around me brought everything into focus. I saw people all around me that had challenges to meet. I was not alone. It's not easy... but things can be managed if we try hard enough... and if we can't do it on our own ...then we need to seek help from those that can give us that extra support. You have done that. That is the definition of success. To give it your best effort. Be proud of who you are. You are doing just that. You just won't allow yourself to see it. We do! You have shown such kindness to many on this site offering compassion and comfort. 

Have you considered a home based business? Many people are working out of their homes these days. 

[Sunshine Princess Jaelynn]

Tommy's mum: I've started going to counseling last Thursday, my next appointment is today. I'll ask her if she could prescribe me something. Something that'll help me function throughout the day. It's bad because I catch myself daze out at times, even when I'm feeding the baby and then I'll hear him "coo" or make some cute noise and I snap out of it. When I'm driving my mind goes and then I start to cry and my son AJ notices and asks if I'm ok. I do have people around me to help but I just don't want to scare or shock them with either details of that day or my thoughts. So I come here. I know I'll be saying more in counseling but I just had my first day there. Today will be my second session. I want to thank you for your support *hugs

Bea: I'm really glad you're still here posting. Like you said, our beautiful girls are up there playing together. Watching us as mothers comfort each other. I know what you mean. Those questions never go away. And we will never have answers to them either. I know it's because of AJ and Max that I still get up everyday. If I didn't have them idk in what state I'd be right now. I know I'd be a whole lot worse but that's all I know. Thank you *hugs

My girl is in heaven: How absolutely brave of you to let her stuff go. I still have Jaelynn's things in her room. I sit there and reminisce at times. Your therapist makes sense. I'm 100% that her things are putting smiles on little girl's faces right now. *hugs

Father of Alexander: My deepest condolences to you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers. We are here for you *hugs

Everyone: I want to thank you all for your kind words and encouragement you've given towards me.

Stephanie

[Jeff's Mom]

The Guilt...good luck with your session today. I hope that she will give you something to help you to handle the next little while. I took sleeping pills at the beginning to help me to sleep through the night. When you are rested it really does help you to cope better in the daytime. 

Niques Mom...you lost your daughter at Christmas time. I certainly can relate to that. My Jeff died on December 12th. 2009 and I come to the site at times to help those that are new to this loss. I hope that we who have been here longer can give hope that as much as your pain is so severe at this time that there will be a day that it will soften. We have found a way to smile and live our lives again. Of course it changes but it does not have to be the end of everything. 

Bea...hold on with both hands. You have a lot on your plate along with caring for your other children. I'm glad that you have found a place and people that you can lean on for those really difficult days.

Father of Alexander...I hope that I did not put you off about my not being angry. Each one of us has to go about this in our own way using whatever tools we can to cope. When you mentioned losing your Dad it hit a nerve as my young friend of 12 years of age died many years ago. Her mother was not able to cope and unfortunately decided to join her. She left three other girls that deeply grieved for her. I was very young, but knew the impact of how hard it was on those left.  I am so deeply sorry that you have lost your precious son. I know your heart is so heavy with loss right now that the days appear to be endless. I pray that you will find a  sense of peace as time goes on. 

Luanne, we had a doozy of a storm last night. I am ashamed to admit that I love storms...as long as there is no damage to anyone. It was so intense and the whole sky was lit up with lightening. The wind was intense and we did have rain but not too much. They had to pause or delay the Bomber game twice at the Stadium due to the lightening. They started at 7:30 and finally finished at 1:17 this morning! I have always called it a Hydro pole or line. Several areas in the city lost their power, but we were lucky up here.

For all those facing this difficult weekend my thoughts are with you as you remember your child. Happy Fathers Day to All! 

Kate

[ericasmom]

Guilt, I am impressed with your ability to share with us, yours and Bea, and I agree, the two of you so closely hit by grief of two beautiful little Girls, can be sisters through this time, just like your Girls are like sisters now. I am very glad that you are going to therapy. Just know that the dazing and brain fog, the losing track of thoughts and things, the inability to stay in this moment, are all normal for this early in your grief. It will in time, become less like this. I know that I floated in the unreal world for quite a while, not sure of the time or where the time went. I did not have little ones to care for so my time was my own which in many ways is a luxury, but yes, it is because of those Kids that you have purpose and a reason...keep that out in front of your heart. I gave some of my Daughter's things away to her girlfriends in Kalamazoo, Michigan, and then to some of the girls back here near Chicago. My nieces and nephews also took things that were touchstones of Erica. One nephew took her purple velvety bedspread, one took her concert ticket stubs that she kept, her female cousins took coats and a few shirts. I kept her prom dress and her graduation dress, her bridesmaid dress that she wore in my wedding, and the shoes she just:" HAVE TO HAVE MOM!" I kept a few other special pieces like her double tiered skating skirt that she wore when she was 4 and 5, and now my grand-daughter wears it.

[ericasmom]

So to you Canadian Sisters here, why the word hydro, I thought that the prefix- hydro implied water?

[Sunshine Princess Jaelynn]

Update: Therapy session canceled for today. My car got a flat and I don't trust the extra truck we have to get us there without breaking down. I asked my husband to take us and he said "how long is it going to take? I didn't know it was that far. My whole Friday will be gone if I go now." So much for him being there for me right? Things like this bring me more and more down. I'm so frustrated with him lately. 

Jeff's Mom: Hopefully I go next week and tell her I need something. Until then, I just have to deal with it. 

Erica's Mom: Your post made me smile. I believe my and Bea's girls are up there enjoying each other's company. Also that you gave Erica's things to those close to you. I'm sure it was hard but something we all have to do some time down the road. 

Everyone: I've had people tell me things that upsets me to the core. "It was her time", "God needed her back", "she's in a better place", "I can't imagine what you're going through" or my absolute favorite "what happened". I know they mean well but my goodness, (excuse my language) it pisses me the f off! What are some things people have told you without thinking how it may affect you?

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, electricity is generated by coal fired plants, nuclear energy, and hydro electricity. Damming rivers up north and forcing the water through turbines. It is one of the cleanest forms of generating electricity. We have a vast source of water up North. Hydro, wind ,and solar have no carbon footprints. Coal is or has been phased out here. Ontario, Alberta, B.C. all had some coal fired and are being phased out and being replaced with environmentally friendly alternatives. 

The Guilt...the worst thing someone said to me was about a year ago.  She told me that I had a black cloud over me since my son died. My husband took very sick and then I became ill. Instead of showing concern she made me feel as if it was ruining the party. Then she proceeded to do her own thing. I have apart from my husband and one close friend carried my loss completely alone. That and my faith. 

[peggy a sad mom]

hi dee yes i have been reading. i hurt for everyone! i still get exactly 4 hours sleep a night. when i'm off 2 day's a week i wake up at 4 am lay there a few hours then fall asleep for a while longer. i know what the signs of the grieving process are but i seem to feel all of them in one day. is this normal? 5 more days will be 5 month's. i'm sad i'm mad i pretend to be ok at work only because i don't want any pity from any one and if i cry they do pity me. when they joke i laugh then turn my head and roll my eyes. i'm not being or thinking mean i just know they have no idea what i am going through and i don't need them to. i have my family and this family who understand everything

thanks

peggy

[daveydow1]

HELLO   TO   ALL  MY   GOOD   INDIGO  FRIENDS.

On the subject of keeping things that belonged to our dear children who left this

world too soon. It is a very individual thing......to decide when and if you want to

keep or let go.  I guess that it will depend where we are on the grief journey.  One shouldn't

feel like they "must" do something with the belongings....not until you feel you are ready.

My baby, Lisa, died many years ago, and I still have a few of her clothes, and a couple of toys.

I was able to donate some of David's clothes, but still have some here.  Each must decide

in their own good time.

Virginia,.... Dee,....LouAnn.....Kate....Dianne....Lesley----------Thank you all so very much for

the heartfelt  sentiments for Davey's Angel Day.  No one in my family remembers the day,

since it has been so long, but your posts mean the world to me.  Thanks again

Fathertoalexander------I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Alexander.  You have

found a good site to come to, where everyone understands the sorrow of losing a beloved child.

Please come back.  Peace to you.

 

LouAnn------I'm glad that you have come to the point where you are able to donate some of

Kira's things.  Your sweet daughter is smiling down on you.

Bea8924----- I'm sorry for your loss of your sweet little girl......I hope you will continue to come here

and tell us about her when you feel you want to, and post ....also when you want to.  There are

no hard & fast rules about posting here.  Each can go along at their own pace.

 

Guilt------As Lesley said......the pain must come out and be expressed somehow.  I remember

just screaming and screaming.....but I was able to do that because there were no children in

the house.  This is such a difficult time for you, and I'm so sorry.  Peace to you.

 

WISHING    TRANQUILITY,   COMFORT,   AND PEACE  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry 

[Mermaid Tears]

Sweet Sherry...so sorry I missed your boys angel date....but I am with you in a way only another Mama can understand you. Thank you for being on the site for so long...to help us when we search for compassionate hearts and ears to hear us. You have been such a helper for me on this grief journey. I will never forget your kind heart and wise words .

[ericasmom]

Sherry, it is good to see you here today...I am feeling your sweet heart...knowing what it means to reach this 15th year. Blessings.

Guilt, I am so sorry you were unable to go to therapy, and sad that your husband could not figure out to take you and not question time. Hang on Dear. Until you see the therapist, try some self talk each day, tell yourself that you are a good parent, that accidents happen, because you are and they do. We all care about you, we can feel the mom you are.

Susan, how are you? I hope that you are healing and doing well.

[NiquesMom]

 Today was hard.  It was graduation at the university I work for.  Also the same week my daughter should have graduated high school.  Had been making plans to miss my schools graduation to be at hers.  I worked the children's procession, worked with an  8 year old who was high functioning autistic. His  9 year old sister talked my ear off.   Reminded me of my daughter. Made it through.  Have a raging migraine right now,  and am so weepy.  My husband took kyle out to dinner and to play because I don't want to do anything. 

Talked to the lawyer, my ex agrees to eveeything so hopefully it will be settled in a few weeks. 

Thinking of putting in my notice at work Monday.  Don't have a new job,  but I am so ready to move.  I also don't want to leave them really short staffed  since they were good to me when nique died. 

My son was talking about nique at daycare and the older girl (11) told him not to.  I need to talk to them,  he needs to be allowed to talk about her.  I let him listen to one of my voicemails from her.  He hasn't heard her voice in 6 months. 

So tired, thanks for listening,  sorry we are all here. 

[shorty16]

About a year and a half after my Brian died, a lady in my bible study class said to me "It has been a year and a half and it still bothers you?"

I was stunned and replied..Brian's death will "bother-me" until the last breath I take.  I left the Bible study and never went back.

That was one of several.

Colleen, Brian's mother forever 

[Tommy's mum]

thanks for your kind words friends. That attempt on taking my life was back in 2015 and I believe I am stronger now. Yes I still yearn for my son but mainly it is a bittersweet loss. I remember things he did pieces of conversations we had, watching tv and going to live concerts together watching him skateboard and climb trees. There are sadder days of course which hit without warning but as Kate reminded me Tommy was a hero and saved his friend's life so I need to remember the good times as much as possible.

stephanie I am glad you are going to counselling and are able to offload whatever you need to. I am saddened that your husband had that attitude but he is grieving too so some allowances have to be made even if he comes across as selfish. Yes the things people say that are thoughtless we could probably write a book with them. Remember grief makes people feel awkward and not know what to say so you will get angry and frustrated with bullshit comments. There does seem to be a time when people decide enough is enough and you must be better now not realising the love for a child lasts forever and their daily absence is heart rending forever. Some people are cut out of or choose to leave our lives because they cannot offer the understanding our unique and painful situation needs and that is ok. You will find who has your back. I get comments from my family like "you still need therapy now? I think you should be off those pills.You need to focus on the kids you still have." Whatever the thoughtless comments hurt briefly and then I shake them off. No one gets it until they have been there personally and sorry but the loss of a child is the worst loss there is, literally a piece of your own body being torn away.

louann well done you for reallocating some of Kira's belongings that is a big step for you. I only have a few of Tommy's things as he had few possessions and it seemed ridiculous to have things mailed over at great expense from hawaii. His favourite sneakers are by the door and his favourite hoodie hung up on the coat rack he is still part of our home.

virginia i did not realise you were separated and going through divorce proceedings that must be extra stressful for you. Graduations are hard but so are all the special occasions because there is someone so loved who is absent. They may be in the spirit world but still see and hear what goes on in our lives remember that. Talking about their sibling is also good for the children it helps their healing and it is not wrong or shameful. My kids don't talk much about Tommy but I know they carry their own loss and talk among each other. I dont have any recordings of my son's voice wish I did I miss hearing his voice.

sherry one of the most comforting things about this unique site is that others remember and post on our children's birthdays and angel dates they are not forgotten which is so important to us parents especially when family and friends forget or don't think it is important anymore. It is important, our kids are important, they matter they were here once and we will honour their memory forever.

This weekend is father's day and I am sending waves of understanding to all our bereaved dads on our site. It will be a bittersweet day for you all I hope you find some slivers of happiness and know that your spirit children are still with you always.

Wishing you all a peaceful weekend.

[Somersky]

Hi friends ....

sorry it’s been tough ... my daughter is home from Western (London Ontario) University! I am so proud of her....

Hope you are all able to enjoy the spring flowers. 

 

 

[Somersky]

Spring peonies 

[PieceofCate]

I lost my daughter 6 weeks ago. We had her memorial on her 23rd birthday. She had just left my house and hydroplaned on the turnpike into a semi. The shock and pain is so overwhelming. I heard that she was in trouble 45 minutes after she left and I rushed to find her with my 6 year old. We found her. So traumatic for both of us. I feel horrible that my youngest saw what she saw. I try to stay in a place of gratitude for how close we were. I’m struggling for the same reason. I talked to her everyday. I depend on her for so much. I’m lost. I have reached out to every single person that I know to. A therapist, psychiatrist, now a forum. I’m desperate. I have no idea how to live in a world without my girl. I’m grateful for all your words and I am optimistic that I will find something helpful here. I do wonder if anyone else has a fear that their child will be forgotten? I seem to be obsessed with this fear lately. 

[Mumtogeorge]

the guilt...i totally get that feeling you are going through....it feels like its getting worse..not better...i have had a couple of better days...not good as they are never good...but then this morning..i feel like a crumpled mess..its saturday morning and this is when i would see more of my George. He would probably drag himself out of bed late as he had no work at the weekend..then he would just be around...and i so miss it...we would have a laugh and a joke together. 

I actually cant wait for Monday morning then its back to work!!! I would never of once said that...i loved the weekend to spend with family but it isnt the same now..never ever will be!!

 

[Mumtogeorge]

the guilt...i totally get that feeling you are going through....it feels like its getting worse..not better...i have had a couple of better days...not good as they are never good...but then this morning..i feel like a crumpled mess..its saturday morning and this is when i would see more of my George. He would probably drag himself out of bed late as he had no work at the weekend..then he would just be around...and i so miss it...we would have a laugh and a joke together. 

I actually cant wait for Monday morning then its back to work!!! I would never of once said that...i loved the weekend to spend with family but it isnt the same now..never ever will be!!

 

[Mumtogeorge]

Oh Michelle...i feel for you...we got the call 101 days ago that George was in a RTA...we rushed there and saw him lifeless in the car..they tended to the others but didnt touch him. We now know he was pronounced gone at the scene...but to see him but not be with him will haunt us..they then covered him with a blanket..i screamed as i then knew for sure...we got to hold him for a short time after..my oldest son turned up and he was a wreck..he crumbled..then we were told to go home and we did!!! Why o why did we leave him...i can only think.it was shock!! Then we got to our car and had to tell our 14 year old that her brother had gone ...she was hysterical..and again the police just told us to go home. I cant get my head round that night!!

[NiquesMom]

Tommysmum: I was rambling,  niques father and I have been apart for 15 years,  I am having to deal with him and the lawyer because of the insurance companies,  and he is one of her beneficiaries. I hate him,  he was always so mean to her,  I don't think he deserves anything for his loss since he couldn't even be nice to her,  to let her live with him to finish high school.  She always lived with me,  only visited him.  

[NiquesMom]

Michelle, I worry my daughter will be forgotten.  She was 18, and my son was 4. So young,  I worry he won't remember his sissy. I talk about her all the time,  play her voicemails for him so he can hear her voice.  It's been 6 months. I will do everything for her to be remembered.  I am so sorry you lost your daughter. 

[shorty16]

Michele,

None of us knew how to live in a world without our child.  At first, shock protects you from reality, but the shock wears off.  What I did was stay in the present.  I could not think of a future without my Brian.  Be kind to yourself.  Your entire world has changed and it takes a long time to find your place in it.

You will find love and understanding here.  You will find parents new to this journey and those, like me, who are coming up on the 10th angel-versary of my son's death.  He would be 26.  He died at 16.  

P.s. My daughters name is Michelle with 2 "L's"  

All my friends 

With Father's Day approaching, I am in a fog.  I want to make this a special day for my husband.  He is such a good dad.  My kids are very lucky to have an involved father like him.  

I send appreciation to the Fathers on this site.  We need you here.  You provide a perspective that is important.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever 

 

 

[shorty16]

We kept Brian's T-shirts and I had 2 quilts made.  The quilting stich is of Brian snowboarding.  

It took me 5 years before I could do this.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever 

[ericasmom]

Okay, so much I want to respond to, but want to post the name of a book Virginia, for you to look at and consider for your Son, I have not read it but saw it on one of my writing sites...Yellow Balloon, having to do with grief for KIDS. The only thing I think for the 11 year old that said to stop talking about his Sissy, was that it disturbs the girl thinking of death, which is a viable issue for her. People, Adults, need to be near him to help conversations are guided to a healthy end...I agree to talk to school folks about that for sure. Some kids are squeemish, but some kids have memories of losses in their own families and are disturbed by talk about it. As far as his forgetting his sister...he will have the essence and the nurture of his Sissy forever...I will caution you if you don't mind, to not worry if he forgets Her voice, it isn't his job nor his drive to remember her voice, I would reduce the amount of replay for him, he is the little brother, not the parent, he needs to grieve as a 4 year old, and he will guide you with what he needs, though I think therapy for him is FABULOUS! He will ask you can I hear sissy's voice if he needs to hear her, he will ask questions when he needs answers, and these will change as he grows...

Michele, I am heading toward our 15th anniversary of Erica's death, train on car...I know the call, We all know the devastation, and we are here to hold your hand and heart as you push forward, and it is a huge push, a huge effort, and it does get worse, it has to before we can find some order or want of order in puzzle that has become our lives...I can attest to being a happy woman, who has a hole in my heart where all of my love for Erica and memories go to nest right there next to the hurt. Our grief becomes a huge piece of us, and we learn over time, (lots of time and energy) to carry with us in all that we do. Yes, I worried too that folks would forget my Girl, but they haven't, in part because I have a yearly party in my yard to celebrate the Girl we love so dearly, she had a lot of friends and family that adore her. We gather under Erica skies and catch up with each other and I have a collection box with her photo on it to collect money for the fund I began in her name, the Erica Reith Fund, to distribute financial help to families at the school where I teach, which is where Erica attended so many years ago with her Brother, Jon. The other reason that Erica will not be forgotten is, she was loved, so once loved, always loved. People will take that wonderfulness of your Girl with them, they will go on with their lives, just as they must, but in their hearts is a new place reserved for your sweet Girl. I do believe this. I do talk about Erica in front of folks on a daily basis, she is a part of my everyday, so I will not leave her out of my conversations, and that also helps folks not forget, if they are uncomfortable...their problem, not mine. Hold on and keep posting and reading. There are many new to this sadness, so you are surrounded by Newbies, and folks all over the timeline of grief.

[Bea8924]

Colleen: I love the quilt. Such a good idea. The teachers from my daughter's preschool had a teddy bear made from her extra clothes that were left behind if she ever got dirty. One of the best gifts I received at her memorial.

Theguilt: "actions speak louder than words" for me...I had a cousin vacationing in Mexico when my daughter passed. He came to her memorial and said "sorry for your loss, we did our best to enjoy ourselves in Mexico but couldn't after we heard the news" then the next day he posted pictures on social media saying how he had a blast in Mexico! Like really!? That's the recent thing that rubbed me the wrong way. I can deal with all the express of sympathy but don't say one thing and do another. 

My 6yr old son had his first expression of sadness yesterday. My husband was taking him to school and he seen his sisters pic that we have in the car and he started crying. I asked him why he cried and he said " cuz I miss my sister Nezzy" I told him it was ok to cry and if u want to talk about her I was gonna listen. He cried and didn't want to talk but he went about his day being his happy self. But I might seek a child counselor for him. I did my best to explain to him of what happened but any help is appreciated. 

Call me weird but I totally ordered a life size card board cut out of my daughter lol I received it yesterday and the picture is beautiful but it did come a bit taller than expected. But I hope to use it for special occasions where I would want pics with her or something. My way of dealing with her loss I guess. 

[Tommy's mum]

michelle i am sorry about your loss it is pain beyond belief we all know it well. How traumatic to see what you saw I wish that did not happen for you and your daughter but just know that in time the horrible images will slowly fade and be replaced by happier moments. Do not blame yourself for your actions and emotions that day you were in shock and distraught and coped the best you could. After a traumatic event we all go over and over it thinking what we could have and should have done differently but that does not matter now rethinking it will sadly not change the outcome. just know your precious young daughter is still with you just in a spirit form now and will always be by your side to help you this awful time.

somersky yes my friend it is hard so hard but stay strong and keep in touch with us ok?

colleen the quilt is lovely such a nice memorial for you. it is so nice to hear your words of love for your husband being a good dad and I hope you can find the energy to celebrate on sunday. My sister and I are cooking a special meal for our parents and of course have soppy cards but both of us are cash strapped so that will be our gift to dad.

bea all bereaved parents are weird we just do what we feel we need when we need it as individuals going through the emotions. I hope the cutout helps you. Counselling for children is helpful as kids at school and teachers may find it uncomfortable to discuss with him so at least he has someone he can talk to or do play therapy with to help him cope with the loss of his sister Nezzy. Younger kids can act quite offhand and accept death at face value sometimes a kind of protective instinct but he may well ask about her from time to time or show fear of losing his parents.

mumtogeorge again you did what you were capable of at that traumatic time do not second guess yourself it will not help you find any peace. However our child passed many wish for a different way (besides the obvious of wishing it had never happened at all). I wished I could of seen my boy in the hospital and said goodbye but I did not see him until he was flown home for his funeral. he arrested in the ambulance from multiple injuries and died shortly after in the ER despite the drs best efforts. Then I read the gut wrenching accounts of those parents who were there at the end and realised it is what it is we have to accept what we got and it was not for me to be there. That takes time to absorb and process. It is not how our kids died or our reactions at the time or after that are important. What is important is coming to terms with our loss as best we can and being able to honour our children in the best way we can. Easy to say and hard to do but it is possible but not instantly.

virginia on this site i promise you that your precious daughter will always be remembered and especially on her birthday and angel date. Parents have an invisible bond of love that never breaks even when living in two different worlds. Love is the strongest and most far reaching emotion and love is what will help carry you through the dark days ok? I agree that he is young to hear her voicemails but keep evreything safely in a box for him when he is older to look through and listen to. Put everything in there that reminds you of her, her favourite dress, her fave colour  or flower, anything you intend to keep, it will be important for all of you to have those precious things always. Your son will grow up always hearing you talk about his sister and see your photos videos etc so she will be real to him in a different way all his life.

dee I talk about my son too his name pops up in conversations. It shows his continued importance and presence in my life. he will always be my eldest firstborn and eternally young at 24 and although his siblings will reach and exceed the age Tommy was it will be ok because he is still part of our family forever.

[Mumtogeorge]

I love to come and read all your comments...they fill me with such hope. Colleen..that quilt is truly amazing...when the time is right i would love one with Georges favourite tops.

Tommys mum...you have a truly amazing way with words that bring comfort...i just wish i hadnt got to the scene if im honest but like you say..we have to go with what it is x

Tomorrow is going to be hard for all you dads out there....i send you all massive love and hugs x my two have wrote their card out and put Georges name in as they did for me on mothers day..as they say..he is with us always..we just cant see him but know he is with us...i have to believe that x

[Mumtogeorge]

Ericas mom...what an amazing thing to do..a party for your girl each year...as George had only just passed weeks before his 18th i couldnt face the thought of anything but hey...i hope we feel.strong enough next year and it would be fantastic to have all his friends around. They have just done a memorial football match for him and his friend recently...that was amazing..but so emotional ...but lovely that they wanted to remember them by their love of their favourite sport x

[Somersky]

I’m not sure I am strong enough..it has been a tough road. When I think I’m taking one step forward it seems I go three steps back. Losing my father in December was shocking and I don’t think I have processed that. I thank you to all my friends here... you understand and I love you all you’re all very special 

[ericasmom]

You are not strong enough? Look at how long you have dealt with this terrible loss? YOu are stronger than most humans on this earth...coping isn't always strength, it is one's own system of facing this world now...you don't have to always be strong as in control, but please stay here, your Daughter needs you here, and your Son would definitely beg you to live out your very best life here on earth and to shine his beautiful smile on others. Shine his light. On days when the light is too dim to see, remember his smile and let that light be your guide. We need you here.

Bea, love that you wonder if you are weird, and yes, we all are weird when we go through a loss such as these. Do what you can to feel a small tiny smile in your heart. I agree, your little guy needs to be free to cry and speak of his Sissy on his terms. The Yellow Balloon might be a good book for him and all young siblings. Check it out online to see if it looks good. Play therapy is a great way for kids to work with therapists and work through the hardship of losing a sibling...kids absorb the loss so differently than we adults, their connection is so different than ours, their needs and memories too. So honoring his needs is great.

[shorty16]

Somersky,

Hang on.  You are in what is still considered the second year of grief.  The second year is reality slapping you in the face.  The first year we wonder aimlessly wondering what the he// happened.  The second year can be a bit tougher.

You will not feel like this forever....I will say it again.    You will not feel like this forever.

I know that is hard to believe, but the physical, spiritual, mental pain will morph into a More tolerable "longing" that is much more manageable.

One breath at a time, if you have to.  I was where you are now.  

You can survive this and you will with support from those who walk this path before you.  I am still here.  And I love my son no less than you.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Jeff's Mom]

All loss causes pain to the loved ones and survivors. Not just suicides. This idea of suicide has got to stop. People are not thinking clearly when they consider and act on this impulse. I am so... so very sick of the attitude of society that it is an easy way out. Has anyone ever really considered how hard it would be to pull that trigger or take those pills, etc.? Anger seems to spark up in everyone. Who the hell are we to judge? We need to walk in their shoes for a bit of time and then honestly say that we still feel they were ...what weak? Cowardly?  My son did not pass the pain on to me. He was ill. He was sick as someone that suffers from any other physical illness. I will not live to see the day that society can accept this...SHAME on those that find fault. Beware of those that live in glass houses. DEPRESSION is as needing of help as say diabetes that needs regulating with insulin. No more... I will not take it any more! He is in a wonderful place where he is loved and happy. I am beyond content with that. 

[ericasmom]

Kate, I don't think suicide is ever an easy way out at all, I have learned from those I have known that left by suicide and those here as well, that suicide is despair, a deep deep depression and sadness that sees no way else, but easy???no way.

Colleen, the quilts are so perfectly Brian. Where do you keep them? Out for others to see or packed in a chest?

Mum to George, the gathering is called Eri-Fest. And since this will be my last year of teaching this next season, I will be writing checks for kids to take lessons, tutors, field trips, lunch bills, musical instrument rentals, girl and boy scout dues and a myriad of other things. So I will have to think as to how we proceed after this next school season. Will I continue on with the Erica Reith fund? If I do, the proceeds will be given to a local charity of sorts: food pantry, a local dance school that never turns away a child no matter not being able to pay...a wonderful local program called Opportunity Knocks for young adults with social/emotional needs, just so many good people that work for non-profit organizations that touch the lives of many each and every day.

Lesley, hope you were able to get out to the garden today.

Same to you Kate, to Margee too, to all the garden lovers out there. We were able to go out in the garden and do a tiny bit today but the temps were quite high, 90 or so, the air quality quite bad.

To all of our DADS here, blessings and somehow a sense of your Dear Child/Children nearby, loving you from their new home. You will always be their Dad.

[ericasmom]

This is the review of MY Yellow Balloon, which is book written for kids who are going through grief.

 

It all started at the carnival. . . .

That’s where Joey makes a new friend: a bright yellow balloon. Joey and his beloved balloon do everything together, until the balloon accidentally slips off Joey’s wrist and flies far, far away. What will Joey do without his special friend?

Tiffany Papageorge has crafted a poignant tale of love, loss, and letting go that will serve as a comforting guide to children who are navigating the complicated emotions of grief. Rich, luminous illustrations by Erwin Madrid perfectly capture these timeless themes, making them accessible to even the youngest reader.

Honest, unflinching, and ultimately reassuring, My Yellow Balloon will resonate with anyone who has endured the darkness of grief, while offering hope for brighter days ahead.

[Bea8924]

Thank you for the recommendation, I will look into getting it for him.

 

[4MyM&J]

Yesterday was my son’s funeral, and today marks a week since my works crashed down. It’s been 9 days since I last saw his smile and kissed his warm face. I’m trying to figure out how to go on. I can’t call it my new normal, because my normal will always be the way things were with him here. But my new way of life. 

I’m so mad at God. At my sons father. At my deceased grandmother. They were suppose to keep him safe. I don’t understand how a loving god could give me a child, then rip him away from me. I don’t understand how god could have needed him more then I do.