Loss of an Adult Child

[Bea8924]

TommysMum: thank you for your kind words and for sharing that last quote. I had been asking myself if it gets easier or harder as time passes. But now with your quote it gives me something to look forward to. One day closer to being with my little one again...thank you for that. 

It's true about the blaming...I had been blaming myself for not doing all I could to save my daughter. Even questioning the paramedics if they did all they could. Today I requested to see the paramedics report on what they did to try to save her. I got answers to some of my questions but as I was busy questioning the paramedics, I didn't stop to think how they might feel. To dedicate your lifes work to saving lives and trying to save a child's life that you could not save has to impact you somehow. Now I feel bad for the paramedics who performed CPR on my daughter. I'm thankful for them for trying and realized that I was quick to blame. It maybe an over share but on the report it said my daughter was in cardiac arrest, (Still don't know what caused it) but a weight was lifted off my shoulder knowing that. Because now I believed my husband when he said I did everything I could to try to save my daughter's life. Doesn't make the loss any easier but having some of my questions answered was bitter sweet.

Thank you all for allowing me to vent on here. For commenting and sharing your stories as well. It has been helpful so far. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Stephanie and Bea.  My dear dear friends.  My heart is breaking for you both so much right now.  Please, please listen to my story. In a couple weeks it will be 7 years since I was on my hands and knees washing my kitchen floor in between carrying loads of laundry upstairs.  I heard a sound that was clearly clearly (at least in hindsight)  someone hitting their head on a wall and then sliding down.  I’m sure u can imagine that sound....pretty simple a thud then a sliding.  I was the kinda mom who freaked about everything.  We lived in a small village and my 17 year old daughter would walk a few doors down to her friends house but I would still stand on the porch and watch her to make sure she got there ok.  She would just roll her eyes and wave.  One time she stayed after school to keep score of a basketball game which she quite often did, but when I got home and she wasn’t there I raced 20 minutes to the school in absolute panic and sure enough she looked at me and smiled with that “oops look”.  But for some still unknown reason to this day I don’t know why, I paused heard the sound and cause I didn’t hear anything else, I brushed it off and didn’t investigate. And that was my perfectly healthy  17 year old daughter collapsed , ultimately drowning and they think maybe suffered a cardiac Arrthymia in the upstairs bathroom.  I pulled her out of that tub after my son got the door open, but I was too late.  I was her only chance and yea I’m sure I had the cleanest kitchen floor in town, but I didnt have my daughter anymore. I thought oh god will give me that few seconds back and this time I’ll save her.  The next week I even got happy at one point because I thought if I did something so wonderful to please god he would bring her back. Now I m not telling you to not feel guilty , because for right now you probably wil.  Nobody, even drs could tell me otherwise.  And surely god would punish me big time for not saving my daughter.  But I have come to realize god knows what was at that moment and still is in our hearts.  And yes we would trade places with them, do anything to go back and change that days events.  But we know now that won’t happen.  And search every corner of the world and you’ll never find the answers to those questions of what if, why didn’t I, etc.  You just won’t.  So I want you to tell yourselves that everyday. You loved and protected your sweet girls as much as any other loving parent in this world.  You know the only difference between us and those other moms is they are just luckier than us.  That’s all.  Just luckier. Everyday just say those few things to yourself until someday they stick a little,  and they will in time.   And Jaelynn and Nezzy are surrounded by all our angels as they watch thier mother’s holding onto each other.  ltaylor50@rogers.com is my email or if you  want a call to talk, you just let me know.  And we are not the guilt moms we are the loving caring moms. Hugs. 

 

Luanne......Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Brendan’s dad.  Love your tattoos. And so wonderful to have his signature.  Lovely tribute to your boy.  Hope u are starting to let yourself live a little.  You have been on your journey a year longer than me. And we both deserve to let a little light shine through.

 

Tina.  Wow.  Beautiful.  And you went big.  Love the nickname and that sun is shining  just like r girls r right now.  Well if your mom got tattoos then maybe I’m not too old. I’ll have to think about it.  Did u hear about the job yet.

virginia , how about you.  You still have more interviews?

 

[JRr]

The Guilt.  What your husband said to you is just awful, but believe me when I say he feels awful for even saying it. He knows he shouldn’t have said it, as soon as those words flew out of his mouth, he regretted it! He also knows that there is nothing he can do, or say to take it back, and for that he feels even more awful. During this trial in your life, things will be said, things will be done that hurts something fierce!! Just remember that your little girl doesn’t blame you and will always be by your side, holding your hand in all the trials of life.

[JRr]

This isn’t really about this topic, but I have to ask this silly question.   Does music help anyone else as much it does me?? I’ve found that I’ve been listening to more music lately, and it does help me. For a minute it was just what my wife calls “angry rock”. I know listening to that kind of music doesn’t help my anger, but it helps let out some of that rage. Lately though I’ve been listening to more uplifting stuff, and it really makes a difference!! Now I don’t blare it for the neighbors to hear, mostly use earbuds and crank it up when I’m in the car when I go driving, I drive a lot, no where to be, just get in the car n drive. There have been times my wife has pulled out the earbuds, annoying as F!!, it’s not that she’s talking and I’m ignoring her, she just don’t like it. I find when I put my buds in, and I have a powerful song that hits the right part of my soul, nothing can touch me!! I’m in my own world, just wondering if anyone gets that little bit of piece, during these trying times in their life????

[NiquesMom]

My girl: thank you for asking.  I have  4 interviews this week,  but I am starting to feel defeated. I am hopeful someone will take a chance on me soon.  Had a rough night,  my husband got drunk and he is verbally mean when drunk.  He only does this a few times a year,  but I love him a little less each time.  I never say such mean things to him.  I know he will feel bad when he wakes up,  but I am tired of this BS. I know that no one is perfect,  but at this moment I don't feel like trying to make it work. 

JRR: I like to listen to positive music,  I like listening to symphonies where i can imagine what the music is trying to tell me. I think it is mahlers 8 symphony,  it was suggested in a book I was reading. I also like religious music because my faith is what is going to get me through all this.  But I tell you,  when I get to heaven,  I am never coming back because it is too hard here on earth.  I am ready to be Home, but I know I still have more lessons here. 

Peace to all today ❤

[shorty16]

Usually, when people ask how our child died....it is for their own morbid curiosity.

Very rarely will I explain how my Brian died.  I usually just say " car crash".  

We have a choice as to whom to tell about how our child died.  Not everyone who asks deserves an answer.

My 2 cents on a hard topic for bereaved parents.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[shorty16]

I have developed a standard response to those that keep asking how my Brian died.

" My Brian died in a car crash". I keep repeating it every time they ask.

I cannot call this an accident.  Those 3 boys knew what they were doing.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

 

[TearsInHeaven]

Virginia, hoping your job search has the best reason in the world to end this week...i.e., you got the job you want! I know this job search is so frustrating but try to remember that no one is in as big a hurry as the job seeker.   Positive thoughts for you. I sure  can relate to your frustrations with job hunting and then upset with your husband.  I can remember early on things either made me angry or weepy.  Somewhere down the path things evened out a little.  I have always been emotional---bad childhood and never learned the art of toughening up-- but the anger can still get to me, sometimes for the littlest thing and sometimes for the major things.  Your husband loves you and his little boy.  He is probably having a hard time because he cannot "fix" this situation and it hurts him in a way he doesn't know how to deal with yet.  I know some like to go out and just scream in the woods.  I live in a regular subdivision and don't think the neighbors would appreciate it...so I walk it off as best I can.  

JRr, early in my loss and for probably almost a couple of years I could not listen to music.  Music has always been a big part of our life in our house and I just didn't want it because it made me hurt so much. Now it is a saving grace. I listen like I always did.  My husband and son were the Classic Rock type, my daughter did the usual teen stuff and moved on to Adult Pop....me I am pretty eclectic in my tastes.But music now soothes me in a way I never would have thought it could come back to.  Sorry to say I never got the taste for anything classical but music is one of my healers.

So many tattooes, you all are so brave! Not a brave soul there for me but my husband had a tattoo when we met... with the name of an old girlfriend he got when he joined the Army (during VietNam time).  He promised to have the name filled in before our kids could read.  That ship has sailed as our oldest is 42 and Michael was 36 when we lost him. It is amazing the artwork some can do. 

Stephanie, JRr may have it right about your husband regretting his words and not knowing how to come back from it.  Something to think about there.  There is no doubt that you loved Jaelynn with your whole heart and if you could change places with her you would or if that split second had never happened.  Grief is a wicked monster and hits us with everything it has.  Nerves exposed and raw, no solid footing underneath us.  

[Tommy's mum]

jrr whatever helps you to keep calm and gives you some relief go for it. I too was a major music fan seeing many live concerts by big name bands. I love mainly rock amd metal some hip hop and other stuff as well whatever tune catches my brain. it is mood dependent. After my son died I could not listen to any music at all for over 2 years, it was all just noise no pleasure at all in it but I am trying to get some enjoyment of music back.Music can be very empathetic and suit your mood. Use it for your sanity. Maybe your wife gets frustrated because she feels you are going into your own space too often. being in your own space is important but try not to  make her feel  shut out, isolation is such a common symptom of grief and while it can be peaceful it can be damaging to relationships. being able to recognize that everyone is different with grief is important. Some people talk others prefer quiet, some take walks others stay inside, some hide in a hobby others need a new stimulus. Whatever works for each person.

virginia good luck with the interviews your determination to move forwards is great. i am sorry you were upset by your husbands mean words although it is obvious we all have to take care of each other, grief is very distorting and can make you hit out at those you love even though you don't mean it. Anger is much easier to express than sorrow for some people and alcohol makes communication sloppy. I am sure you will be able to move past this and continue to love each other.

[peggy a sad mom]

Virginia good luck to you! Jrr I can't listen to any music. My house and my car are silent. In two weeks it will be 5 months but I still can't listen. I do hope in the future it will sooth me. Went to doctor today for a follow up. He said I'm a mess. Really? He said I have to stop thinking about what could have or should have been done to prevent my son from passing. He said just concentrate on my to move my grieving process along. He said I'm delaying it thinking about so many other things  thanks Peggy

[Bea8924]

So what are your thoughts on counseling? I have yet to go. Don't know what to expect. Wasn't much of a talker to begin with, was kind of shy. Now I feel like this has the possibility to close me off from people all together. Be a super loner. So if anyone can advise me on what counseling consist of I would appreciate it. My job offers 6 free sessions so if it can help, I woukd be willing to go. 

[TRMsmom]

So grateful for all the love from members of this forum. Loving the tattoos as well; I also have a memorial tattoo.

To everyone who's posted on this thread and site, I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm so blessed to find all of you.

I'm not doing OK right now, not even close. I need to go back to counselling. I know I have to start with someone new, but I have to realize that's better than not going back at all.

In addition to the rage I posted about earlier, right now, my biggest fear is that I'm developing agoraphobia. I feel a lot of anxiety every time I have to leave the house, but it varies. I rarely leave my condo. 

When I look back over the past couple of months, I see that I agree to invitations from people and send regrets. I check my calendar in the morning, and as the time of the event gets closer, I get more and more anxious and eventually send an email or text message bailing. I only do this with events that involve a group. I'm still OK, sort of, with one-on-one encounters, but I just can't manage a group.

After participating in an amazing and incredibly helpful suicide survivors group over the winter, we set up a private Facebook group. We're getting together next week and again in July. I truly love the people in this group. They helped me in so many ways and I really miss them. I'm looking forward to next week and our meeting in July in ways I can hardly describe. These people are so important to me. 

[NiquesMom]

Bea: I went to a counselor 5 times,  it was ok,  but I don't think she was as helpful because she has not lost a child.  All loss is different,  not just grief.  I would do more research if I ever went again.  Child loss is unique. 

[ericasmom]

I want to comment here, but I have two sleeping grandkids in my room, so will wait until tomorrow...Bea, you and I do not live far from one another, I work in Oak Park, just outside of Chicago. I would say, yes to therapy but if work pays for 6 sessions, see if anyone that they cover are grief specific counselors. Even if they are not, going can be a great start to allowing yourself to unload. Do a bit of research if you can or just ask human resources at work who the therapists are and call them to see if any one of them specializes in grief.

[Tommy's mum]

counselling especially bereavement counselling can be really effective for many people. taking up a work offer to have some is worth it and may help some. However counselling is most effective if done later on because you need to be out of the paralysing shock and denial first and be ready to face and interact truthfully with the counsellor. If you are not ready to open up then it is too early. Also so important to get the right person someone you build a rapport with and trust. My counsellor did not have children but she was still able to help me work through the whole process of my son's death she mainly listened as I poured my heart out. Now because of funding cuts the service only offers 6 sessions which is ridiculous. No one can be fixed in 6 sessions it is a months long journey.

trm I also developed severe agrophobia and was unable to leave my house for a year unless with my parants or sister and only to attend dr and psychiatrist appointments. I then severely broke my ankle in 2016 and have been mainly housebound since then because of repeated failed surgeries. I worked on my severe anxiety with my counsellor and gradually managed to leave my house between surgeries on my own for short periods of time. I was able to go to appointments and food shopping on my own although I still hate crowds and have to go in quiet times. I have lost friends because I cannot go to sociai events but I am ok with that because I am not the same person I was and the anxiety and rolling emotions are unpredictable. I find the peace and solitude in my safe place at home and in my garden soothing. Due to my disability and severe depression/grief reaction I have been unable to work so my social circle is non existent apart from close family. However I work on trying to get more mobile and know that i will have to re-enter the real world at some point but it will be when I am ready. Try and use your time wisely in recognising your triggers and teaching yourself resilience with small going out goals and practising anti anxiety techniques so that you can regain control of your own self. Isolation is very common in bereavement and it is difficult to regain the self you were before the loss. grief changes who we are but does not have to control who we want to become. I am glad the suicide survivors group is helpful for you. To be with others in the same sad position you find yourself is comforting because they get it. Sharing and listening gives a wider perspective and understanding,

 

[Bea8924]

Diane, yes I stay in the Belmont cragin area (not far from  Elmwood park) o work for Costco in Melrose park and they do offer 6 free sessions. Just not sure when I will use them. I feel like I am still in shock right now. I walk around with an empty space in heart. I literally feel empty and I'm walking around just exsisting in life, not living. I put my brave face on for work and in front of my family but when I get off work and I'm alone those feelings are there for me to deal with on my own. My husband has anxiety and on medication. So I feel like he would benefit from counseling as well. He misses her so much and it breaks my heart to see him so sad. We share the pain of losing our child but if I could take his pain and make it my own, I would. 

[My girl is in heaven]

JRr.  When my 17 year old daughter died almost seven  years ago I knew for certain I would never listen to music again....of any kind. My daughter Was listening to Katie perry and Adele so I certainly didn’t want to hear those songs, but I shut off all Of it.  flicked off tv co mmercials with songs in them and complained. Why does e very freaking commercial have to have a song in it.  The worst was trying to shop at Christmas time with  all that blaring out at you.  There was just no way getting away from that if you were in a store.  Even the grocery stores have that back ground music.  Just this past April I joined the gym again and got my son to put a few songs on iPod shuffl. Just oldie mouldy 70s love songs, Anne Murray, Rita Coolidge.  When my son was downloading them for me he scrunched up his face and looked at me and said “r u really going to listen to this??”.  Now I just keep finding the odd low and slow song and just keep adding on one at a time.  Heck at this rate I may even work my way up to the disco era.  Oh guess I’m really showing my age now.  Let music back in your life even just start with a little here and there. It’s taken me almost 7 years to do so.  And I wish I had done so sooner.  It is no disrespect to our beautiful children take care hugs

Luanne......Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Margie. I hope I have all my dates written down correct.  Is today not your precious Jason and Meredith’s birthday. 

Happy heavenly birthday dear boy Jason.  Your first in gods land but I’m sure are surrounded by all our loving caring angels. Sprinkle a little something down for your mom today so she and your sister know your ok and soaring with the angels.  

I hope Meredith can still have a little bit of joy today although it will be difficult without her partner brother there.  Someone said to me a little while ago, im not gone just far away.  I hope you feel him near you all the time.  The first will be the worst. And tomorrow you will feel a little bit of the tension release its grip.  Remember we have June, June does not have us.  Take care dear friend.  

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[TearsInHeaven]

Happy First Birthday in Heaven, Jason. Let your light shine down on your Mom as she faces this first hard date.  Look down upon your beautiful twin and let her know that physical separation will never sever your twin connection.

[My girl is in heaven]

Bea and TRMS. I started counselling about six months after my daughter died.I have a chaplain/grief counsellor who has been a god send to me and is still by myside.  I had psychiatrist who only talked about 10 or 15 minutes at a time and started me on antidepressants which was fine I needed them and sleeping pills too.  Fast forward 5 1/2 years I was then on around 12 pills a day.  A pharmacists can’t question a dr but she said to me “ do you have a heart condition? I said no, “then why are you on heart medication? Gee I don’t know. Do you have diabetes.? No. Then why r u on diabetes medication.  I don’t know.  All I knew was he was the dr and he knew best. Bottom line is I became a walking zombie.  Yeah I wasn’t feeling my grief, but wasn’t feeling too much of anything.  One day I was flaked out on the couch and my son came in I popped up and said how was you camping trip buddy.  He told me , I flaked back out again and a few minutes later I popped and asked him the same thing.  Both my sons looked at me in disgust and I realized right then that not only were all these meds not helping me but what I was putting my sons thru.  I went to dr and said I want to wean off.  He said no not during the winter, maybe spring. He wouldn’t help me.  No with no medical guidance I quit 12 pills cold turkey, no weaning.  I was physically sick with every symptom from head to toe, and the depression was absolutely debilitating.  Usually layed on couch for days and nights, not showering, literally could hardly move.  I was sick for three months straight.  It was at that point I stumbled onto this web site where my life was saved.  I have a really good new psychiatrist now who is really helping me.  So just make sure you find one who you feel comfortable with and like and if not then please move on and find one u do click with.  There help is invaluable but u just gotta find the right fit for you.  And really this web site should be at the top of your list.  Yeah none of us are professionally trained in child loss or grief expecrts, but there is no one who can understand more then those who walk in your shoes.  Take care 

 

Luanne....Kira’s mana

[ericasmom]

Bea, I used to teach in Elmwood Park, and I know Melrose Park and where you work. Just let me know if you want to meet me at some point, sometimes just having someone nearby who gets what you are dealing with, is helpful. Does your husband have work that allows therapy as well? I went to therapy at around the 6 month mark in my grief...about the same time that I found this site. I did not have a therapist that lost a child, but just a very good therapist who understood loss quite well. Invaluable.

I don't go out like I used to either, I prefer a lot of alone time, like just now, took an hour long walk just letting my mind drift The grandies are back home, so I am able to do what I love to do when the school session is over'; take walks, ride my bike, and take a nap here and there, play with the grandies. Time to breathe.

[MargeeTx]

Oh Dianne:   Thank you so much for remembering my Jason.  I was holding my own this morning until the clock hit 9:05.  My older sister was an RN ALSO, and she scrubbed in for my c-section. I will never forget her holding the two babies, crying, and telling me they were "perfect".  Jason outweighed Meredith by nearly 2 pounds....the little pig.  

I just got off the phone with Mere...she is busy... her husband had knee replacement surgery on Tuesday.  We stopped the call when we both started crying.  Jeremy and Natalie are coming over after work , bringing dinner and Carson and Ryder.  

I don't usually take the Valium that my doctor ordered for me but I am today.  Mike cleaned my bedroom really good, changed the sheets and when I got out of the shower, he said: " crawl in your bed...read your posts, and that new book..cry as much as you need to...I understand."  What better understanding could I ask for.   I am going to try and post my favorite picture of Jason... some of you have already seen it.

Thank you all for being here with your understanding and loving thoughts.

 

[MargeeTx]

And thanks to Louanne too.   I have not been able to get thru the brain fog to remember all the names and dates yet.  It will be 5 months on 6/23/18.  

I guess I need to make me an excel spread sheet for me the 'dummie'!!!!!

[MargeeTx]

Louanne:   Try ENYA, NORA JONES, and chanting from Monks.   They are what I listen to.

xxoomargarett

 

 

[Tommy's mum]

happy birthday Jason send your love to your mom family and meredith your special twin. Today will be hard for all of them if you can send a sign to help alleviate some of their sorrow please do do. We know you are happy and healthy where you are but being without your earthly presence is so hard for your family. Margarett do what you need to do to get through this sad day, but know your boy is always with you by your side. Remember good times. There are certain days when the valium is necessary to calm your soul and get some much needed rest take care.

 

[MargeeTx]

OMG.... I just had the scare of my life!!!  Suddenly, I received an email message from the group telling me my " ACCESS HAD BEEN DENIED AND TO CONTACT THE GROUP. ODERATOR."  Finally, I remembered the common trick all IT folks always directed us to power down completely.... I did, and got back on.  Will someone please share their email address with me in case this happens again ?  Mine is: marjel651@aol.com.   And, who is our moderator now....I remember that it recently changed.  I will protect your email address, I promise.    Thanks

xxoomargarett

[NiquesMom]

Happy birthday Jason,  send love and signs to your mom and family ❤

[ericasmom]

Happy Birthday Jason...a heavenly birthday but still, a date that rings true in your Mom's heart, in your twin's heart. Let them feel your presence today especially. You will always be their Son and Brother.

 

Margee, I am glad that you spoke with Mere and that your son and kids are coming over today, I am glad that your husband also is helping you through this date...Margee, do you think Jason was playing tricks on you with the website? I will PM you my email.( Moderater Kate Modkate)

[MargeeTx]

Dee:  I never thought that, but.......hey, I have never received that message before. Hmmm .........

[My girl is in heaven]

Margee.  I’m not sure the time difference between us but here in Ontario it is 917 pm, so I would say you made it through this first very difficult birthday of your precious boy.  Tomorrow the grip will loosen off a little as you keep plugging away.  My email is ltaylor50@rogers.com and you can email me anytime and I have calling to the states so if you ever want a call just let me know. I panicked awhile ago too when the site went down...its our life line.  You see one by one us June moms are taking down this crappy month, side by side.  

Any Washington fans out there.  I would like to see Alex ovechkin win tonight.  Just think it might be all over tonight .  Happy watching.  

[My girl is in heaven]

Alright.  Washington won.  Omg.  I’m almost crying.  I wish I was there to hug the whole team.  OV way to go.  And he won the consmyth too.  And a clock malfunction with one minute left in the Stanley cup final...really somebody should be losing thier job there.  And some of them are making tributes to thier fathers passed away.  Lars Eller with winning goal.  Oh no some of them are crying so I want to cry too.  Did u know the Stanley cup weighs 48 lbs.  ok I gotta get a grip.  Major hockey withdrawal starting tomorrow.  

[My girl is in heaven]

[Tommy's mum]

louanne glad you enjoy your hockey so much it is good to have something that brings you some joy. You will need to find a replacement hobby out of season do you like any other sports?

margarett my email is no1mslesley@gmail.com feel free to email me anytime esp if your access to the site goes down. I had an issue a couple months back and it sent me into a panic this site is a lifeline to me.

So I had a major weepie day yesterday, it is weird how small things set you off. My youngest son is down for a couple days and I decided to take him breakfast in bed. I was cooking the bacon when suddenly it hit me. tommy loved bacon and would often eat it. I would cook him breakfast or make him a bacon sandwich when he was staying over, and then I remembered that there would never be another opportunity to cook him breakfast. I lost it big time weeping over the pan. Took it up to my son and fled to the garden where I sobbed for  well over an hour. Then I gathered myself and continued the day. It can be those little things that can break you. Remember I had not seen my boy for 4 years as he lived in Hawaii and every night I would chat to him and pray (I had faith then) that each year would be the year I saw him but the next time I did see him it was in the funeral home and not the joyous occasion I had hoped for. So I do not have "his" room in my house or any memories of him here apart from the very few personal items I was sent afterwards and obviously photos etc. I have only been in this house for 6 years having moved back from the USA in 2011 and he never had the chance to come visit. In a way I know that is easier but I still miss him every single day.

[TearsInHeaven]

Luanne- yup way to go Washington.  I was so sure the way LV played they would win first year out.  But good for Washington, I didn't know they had never won the Cup before. So now wait until October....

Lesley, I understand your kick in the heart.  It is sometimes that something just comes out of nowhere and grief jumps on it.  Glad your son was in for a visit.  

TRMsmom, I also went through the not wanting to leave the house and if I did, it had to be for short times.  It got better but even now sometimes I get a little anxious but try the deep breathes and refocus.  I am a little over 3.5 years.  Now there are times I would like to be out but friends have all disappeared. But  even when I didn't want to leave the house, I spent time out on my deck where I would (and still do) "talk" to Michael. I don't go for walks outside because I have joint issues and am a little nervous of uneven ground.  I have an open concept house so I walk in the house.  Walking has always been my way to burn off nervous times.  I also am a very early riser so I would go to the store very early before it was crowded and that helped also.  You can get through this it just takes some time and a lot of work but you will conquer this.

[Bea8924]

Diane: later on we should meet up. Talking to someone who also lost a child would be helpful. 

TommysMum: I had a similar situation like that yesterday. I went on my lunch break at work and sat in my car. I opened the glove box and found pictures from when I took my kids to chuck e cheese. It was a picture of me and my daughter with big smiles. I felt the need to cry but Had to hold it in cuz I had to go back to work. Then just seeing her favorite food has me thinking about her. How she would like her pancakes with no syrup just plain, how she could eat an entire snickers by herself if I let her and everytime I see a pretty dress, I think of how beautiful she would be in it. It's hard, she's always on my mind. Everywhere I look I think of her. 

As you may know, I have a 5month old daughter as well and a 6yr old son. We didn't get a chance to take a family portrait or a pic with all 3 kids together, so if possible, I'm a talk to our family photographer and see if we can some how take a family picture and Photoshop Nezzy in it. That would make my day. The last family picture we took was for my maternity photo shoot. So hopefully all goes well. 

[ericasmom]

Bea, I love the idea of your maternity shoot and if you can get a photo with Nezzy photo-shopped in, that would be special. You have a beautiful family, the love is evident. God bless. And no worries about meeting with me, just keep that in your 'can-do-someday' pocket.

[Mermaid Tears]

I can so relate to the feeling of being cut off from the website....it happened about 4 years ago....I, too, panicked...thankful that Dee reached out not only to me but to others...to calm us. It does become a touchstone for us that needs to be understood...where no words are necessary to explain a bad day...or the heavy grief.

My email is: sbddws@sbcglobal.net......I do not mind sharing this on our website...if there is a rotten apple I can simply block it.

Susan...Mermaid Tears

[ericasmom]

I agree, and I am glad that I could help, remembering how I felt when it was knocked out prior to that for a week...mine is dconmy3@yahoo.com

[My girl is in heaven]

Susan...so well put..” where no words are necessary to explain a bad day”

margee.  How are you today.  Do you feel a little relief getting yesterday behind you.  I hope so.  

Bea..  what a beautiful photo.  Kira was my youngest so I didn’t have young children to look after.  That must be so difficult to manage your little ones and carry your grief.  If you get that picture photo shopped with Nezzys picturue please share it with us. 

Sherry, Laurie, Colleen,  how are you guys doing with our dates approaching. Remember we are taking June together one day at a time this year, June isn’t taking us.  Let’s hold on together.  

Peggy...how are you doing these days.  R u getting nice weather in New York.  By the time summer starts in Ontario it will be fall lol. 

Kate.. how is Ross doing.  Do u guys watch any sports once hockey is over.  I just sit around stewing til October.  Didn’t it just make you cry to see Alex hoisting the cup and Braden Holtbys mom was crying.  You getting any warm weather yet? 

Dee, so school is done now.  Our schools here go to the end of June.  Hope u are getting some much needed rest. 

Lesley..how’s the gardening going.  I’m not going to plant any flowers this year.

Wishing everyone a nice weekend. 

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama.  

[ericasmom]

Luanne, yes, slept 10 hours last night, making up for less than normal sleep for the two nights prior watching my Grandies...I never sleep well when I am overnight with them. I listen for all things. When I was growing up in Chicago, we stayed in school until around the htird week of June, and we started back after Labor Day in September, but it seems the goal in the USA lately, is to get out of school as close to Memorial Day as possible and go back way to early in August. I don't get it, the temps are usually really horridly hot in August and most old schools do not have air conditioning. The pools are still open until LABOR DAY, so why start school when it is so hot? Oh well, I don't get to change the calendar for the school system. The temps for the last two days have been really nice, low 70's. Our gardens are gorgeous so much blooming right now. I hope that you get some good temperatures Luanne.

[NiquesMom]

Do any of you have the problem when you are having a nice memory, and all of a sudden you are back in the hospital,  staring at them,   touching them,  disbelieving the Dr? I was thinking about Niques first job,  at McDonald's.  Remembering how excited she was,  how good with the customers. Thinking about her walking to work,  and of course that took me to the car accident,  and then I was in the hospital, I remember I was touching her hair and face,  kissed her forehead,  saw blood on my hand,  her blood .  Laying in my bed crying right now.  I miss her so much,  I want her back,  I should have done so many things differently.  Very few people ask me how I am,  was I that oblivious too before my world broke apart? I am too tired to be strong right now

[My girl is in heaven]

Virginia. Yes those beautiful memories can turn into triggers that are a stab in the heart for sure. I had PTSD for awhile at times back and forth. Replaying it all in my head, with of course a different out come where this time I saved her.  I really don’t think there was anything more you could have done..always remember god knows what was and still is in your heart.  About 10 years ago my son was diadnosed with a serious mental illness.  I was devastated. No drugs, alcohol, no family history.  when we had a meeting with the top dr in this area of expertise and was begging him for the answers to the why and how.  I was getting ready for some big long medical word and explanation and he looked at me and said “Mrs. Taylor, sometimes **** just happens”:  and I believe that is true. It’s about finding the courage to let go of what u know you cannot change.  As far as those people, took me almost 7 years to accept and get over the total lack of compassion that support that supposedly good family and friends would never leave.  Other than a chaplain, everyone of them are gone.  Don’t waste 7 years like me to weed out the good from the bad and move on.  Remember stop planting your flowers in peoples garden who aren’t going to water them.  Your flowers will always be watered here.  Sounds like u need a nice restlful and relaxing weekend.  Take care.

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama.  

[shorty16]

Virginia,

I too am drawn back to the accident scene, almost 10 years later.  The difference now is I can "change the channel in my brain". Brian looked like he was sleeping other than a big tube down his throat.

My Brian had such thick hair, kinda wavey too.  

Susan

Thanks for the great quotes.  Sprinkle kindness everywhere.

June 19 is 10 years since Brian became an angel.  I am still in disbelief that my son is dead. It seems I have dove head-first into my work.  I am now performing supplier audits and love it.  My work has saved my life.  When I am home, all I do is think of Brian and my life.  But my work forces me to think of something else.

Bea  what a gorgeous family you have.  There are many skilled photo-shoppers out there.  That girl of yours is too cute.  I also love how your little-man is standing.  His feet are kinda happy.  

Hello Peggy, Brendan's Dad, Luanne and all my other friends.  This journey Sucks. I just want my son back.

Colleen in total tears

 

[Jeff's Mom]

I have suffered from a disorder since I was a child. I enables me  to block things out. I gather I am pretty good at it from what I have been told. In the case of remembering the night my son died it has worked very well. I force myself to focus on whatever happier memory I can bring to the surface. I have periods that I do think of him more. Triggers that set me off. I miss him very much, but feel him close at hand. That gives me great comfort. 

When I am under quite a bit of stress it really kicks in. It has its good side and also times that are very concerning. Not too long ago I was in the city with my husband shopping at a Mall. I had to use the ladies room. My husband wandered off for a bit. When I came out I had completely forgotten where I was or that he was even with me. I found my way to the elevators and sat on a chair that was close by. He found me there. We figure that they had played a U2 song that Jeff loved and I heard in in the washroom. I drifted off as I used to do so much at the beginning. It's hard work staying in the present.

[ericasmom]

I also go there Virginia, but not often anymore as I must turn the channel...I have to find ways to stay present. I allow myself, especially now as we are one month away from our losing Erica 15 years ago, to go ahead and look deeply into those days and weeks that surrounded her leaving and her funeral and all the chaos...but I am also reminded constantly, of life, of joys big and small in my life, including Erica Eileen, but all of her cousins born since she left, marriages of her brother, her friends and cousins, her niece and nephew born to her beloved Brother and Sister-in-law that she never met...and I know that even in the midst of all of the remembering,  seeing those days and nights in the hospital, feeling the ache and shock  and the PTSD that I had to deal with, there still is more good than not as I had her here once, and in the wake of her leaving, good things have come with her blessing. Yesterday I was with my Son and his two beautiful kids surveying their new summer daycare center when little Erica became quiet and holding her mouth, she whispered to her dad that her loose tooth fell out, and luckily, one of the guides found it and we put it into a tooth saver shaped like a tooth...right there, Erica Elizabeth had traveled a new milestone, and I got to be there, and I am grateful. These events help me stay centered in the present. As does work, like you Colleen. I am so glad that you love your work.

Virginia, it is okay to be tired and not strong, one cannot always be strong, and let's remember, nobody is as strong as a parent who outlives a child, NOBODY. So take a day if you can, hopefully your husband can take your little guy out for several hours and give you some time alone which is needed to grieve.

Kate, the other day I was taking one of my many walks and also lost track of where I was...I thought I was one place and was quite disoriented to find myself much furhter than I pictured. I felt as though I had been floating.

[Tommy's mum]

. PTSD and grief really affect the brain for a long long time so feeling disorientated or having flashbacks is very common. They can be triggered by a lot of things and all of a sudden you are right back there at that awful time again. I believe as time goes on, the horrible memories get softer and gradually replaced by happier moments particularly by certain photographs as there are no more new ones. Although you do not want to think about the details, when you are more emotionally stable and with professional help if needed you learn to process what happened in very short bursts and over a long time period. The facts nor outcome can not be changed but the mind gradually accepts and there is more inner peace. It does not mean you stop missing your child ever but to move forwards some things need to be faced and put to bed for your own mental health. People who get frozen in the cycle of grief by depression shock and mental shutdown, take longer to heal and in fact find themselves grieving  years later. It is not by choice, or avoidance it sometimes just affects you that way and it is harder to deal with as family and friends and work colleagues have moved on and cant understand why the grief has delayed. It is never too late to face the grief head on and have a desire to change how you live, it is when the individual recognizes it  seeks out more help and support and is ready to be able to change. Each one of us is entirely unique, no one goes through the exact same pathway, although we can recognize parts of ourself in others. This is what builds the knowledge and understanding of a broken grieving heart because we have all lost a child/children in terrible circumstances and can use our experiences to help guide others. This forum is a life saver

[Mermaid Tears]

Colleen....your story of 'feeling like something passed through you' on the night that your boy left this earth home has always stayed with me....if you don't mind...please share your story...again...no one can tell it like a Mama . We all can relate to the 'forever missing'.

[Mumtogeorge]

Hi...i am coming up to 14 weeks since we lost our boy...some days i think....hey we doing sooooo well...three days and no wobbles or tears then wham...out of nowhere...no reason...no trigger..its like my heart has been ripped out of me and im.back.at day 1...i cant cope with this..its scaring the hell out of me!!!

[ericasmom]

Hang on Mum to George, it is like this, it is a monster-like-entity at times...and while it may feel like you are back to day 1, you really will see as you go forward that you have taken many steps forward from that day 1 time. But we do bounce back to that awful time, it is the nature of early grief...time becomes such an abstract, and for me, has remained fairly abstract even 15 years later. Not like it was but still, the weight of time is far different than it was, the passing of time too. you will be sent back to the pits of doom several times and each time, you may notice a little less time spent there...we learn how to find what we need in the moments there and find our way back to the surface, we find the sunlight again. This is truly a process, and there are many steps, so please be patient with yourselves in this process. Treat yourselves as you would treat a great friend going through the same pain.