Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

TRMS  I know I am looking at this from a very different angle these days... as so many years have passed since my son Jeff died. It has been a full eight years now. I read your post to my husband and we both agree that for us we never really felt anger. What we did come to realize is that we had changed completely since his death. The issues that seemed important in the past are no longer. Losing Jeff brought things into perspective. Rather than anger I feel I have lost tolerance for those that complain about trivial stuff. I think to myself what can you possibly be complaining about? This is all so unimportant in the grand scheme of life. Do they actually realize how lucky they really are? I simply have no patience period for people that are whiners. Also frustration at not being able to change what happened to him fills me with sadness. After a period of time you slowly learn to carry your life and grief in a different direction. You learn to shoulder the loss and sadness in your own personal way. Whatever works for you. 

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

Here is a picture of my intact family.  Hard to believe it will be 10 years since I heard my Brian laugh.  

Heavy-sigh.

Colleen Jackson

[NiquesMom]

Colleen,  that's a beautiful picture!

[Mumtogeorge]

Shorty16 that is a picture to treasure..you all look so happy x

Niques mum and TRMs mum..i.totally get the anger and fustration...all around people are carrying on...i want to scream from the rooftops at them...at life..why our boy..WHY..there isnt anyone that can answer and it flaming hurts so much..i have this most days..i just wish i could fast forward to a time when i only think happy thoughts and memories. At the moment each day fills me with dread and misery.

They did a charity football match for my son and his friend today...so many thoughtful caring people but i.couldnt help.feel anger to the parents been able to watch their boys!!

As for friends and support...you really do.see who.are there for you...and those that only want you for what you can do for them...im worthless now to my so called best friend of 35 years..as im no longer full of fun..she doesnt want to spend her time supporting me as it impacts on her life!! 

[Mermaid Tears]

Colleen.....that is your Camelot portrait....

[Tommy's mum]

there are so many sides to grief, deep sorrow, yearning, anger, self centredness, blame, guilt, rage, tears, inability to feel anything the list goes on.

colleen love that photo wish I knew how to post pics I only have a couple of jpegs that I can post. I am a technology idiot too old for the techie age!

mumtogeorge and brendansdad, yes it is hard to see our kids friends grow up and live their lives doing things they enjoy wow! doesn't that feel unfair? That will change in time as you face the many challenges life throws at you and our child will always be with us. I do not count Tommy's age as increasing for me he will be ever a young 24yr old who was killed in the prime of life, but he will never age and will always be that handsome young man.

virginia it is still early days yet for you I totally get that wanting to stop work and just stay inside crying. Grief can often cause a clinical depression or PTSD which may need medical treatment. Just keep that in mind as you try to make all these major changes in your life and job. Everyone expects you to be strong and coping well too early on because that makes them more comfortable to be around us. I am so sorry about yr friend, it is sad she cannot try and understand that friendship is a support through good and bad times and that some things really knock you on your ass and take all the fun out of life.

trmsmom yes anger is a big part of grief. It shows you are out of the shellshocked stage and seeing the reality of life without your child. It is important to express that anger in a positive way and not push it down because it is not you. Some people go into a deserted place and scream loudly, some take up a vigorous hobby so they can physically act out anger, some take up a quiet hobby to try and relax, we are all different. I garden. Yanking out weeds and digging really help me with anger and feelings of unfairness and then I can find peace planting beautiful flowers and enjoying them along with the peace of Nature. Journalling is a good option too.

margarett try and be a good patient! I know it is hard but self care esp health is important.

jrr you choose who and how to answer any hard questions. You do not have to spill all and face perhaps people's unkind and judgemental words. How a child passes becomes irrelevant after a time, it only matters that they lived and that we loved them and miss them. No one could forsee what would happen to our child we could not have prevented them from doing what they did or where they were at the time or the choices they made.They were out of our control. That story of the ibrave immigrant in France who scaled several floors to save a young child who was hanging from a neighbour's hand was heart warming but took me back to Tommy who had climbed out on a high ledge to try and save his friend. I just had to absorb the story and make peace with the fact that my son made that choice himself. The fact he died doing so is heart breaking but at least his friend's family are not grieving like we are.

tina show us a pic of your tattoo ok? It is nice you do not have to go alone to do it.Fingers crossed you get that departmental position.

dianne and louann thanks for asking. My dad is doing really well although he gets tired more easily. The other day he and mum came to help me in my garden with some jobs that were too difficult for me with my ankle, and last week and today I returned the favour and weeded and cut back for them. I enjoy spending time outside with my mum. She has had a dementia test and has a score indicating early dementia. We are waiting for an MRI scan before discussing it further. The nurse who did the test did not make it clear at all she indicated it was normal aging which was not true. it was only when I googled the test and scores that I realised her score was not great. She is in a bit of denial understandably and thought her score was pretty good so we will have the MRi and then discuss with her doctor.Her mum died of Alzheimers about 17 yra ago and now Mum's brother is in a nursing home after his Alzheimers got really bad so there is a genetic link. We will see what happens. My ankle is very slowly improving. It is still painful and very stiff and swells but it is nothing like as bad as it was and I can hobble in my boot around the house etc and use crutches if I leave the house. Slow progress but it is progress and maybe this 7th operation is the magic number!

[TearsInHeaven]

To those who have trouble seeing their child's friends, I guess I never really thought about how that might have been if Michael had still been young, teenager, new adult.  My son was was 36 when he died and so all his friends were close in age.They have been so supportive to us through this and a couple still stop by to see us whenever they are in town. Brendan's Dad and Luanne, I imagine that is hard to see your child's friends go from little boys to teenagers or young teenagers to full adult. You have given me a new perspective.

Colleen, such a beautiful family.  The smiles on everyone's face seem to reflect hope.  Thanks for sharing.

Kate, I started using the "and one in Heaven" because I never could say any of those words that pertain to "dying" .  It still makes me cry so this was a way to acknowledge that I am the mother of two and nine out of ten will not ask anything or make me talk about it. It then becomes up to me.

TRMsmom, I understand the "caged tiger" problem. I still get that sometimes. I really tried to look for the sun but sometimes it sneaks up on me and I either want to knock the world over or get the blues.  It gets better as time makes you adjust. I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss.  You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child all too well. Losing a child no matter what age or what circumstances is the loneliest journey a person takes. If you would like and whenever you are ready tell us about Trevor. There are kind, compassionate people here with open hearts.

MumtoGeorge, it truly is something to see those who were friends just drop out of sight.  Remember how they said---anything you need, I am here...,etc. 

Tina, hope your tattoo brings comfort to your heart.  Good luck with the new position.  Hope you get it and it works well for you personally and you as Mom.

Dee, 

[Tommy's mum]

I have just directed a couple more newbies to our group and hope they join us for the care and support that is found in abundance here.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, how are you today? it sounds as if you had an action packed week. It couldn't have been easy for you combined with the memorial for your dear friend. I imagine you will look forward to a week or so just to clear the air. Some R&R is in order. 

Colleen, I love your photo. What a beautiful family. 

Lesley, I do hope that all works out for your Mom. I remember how good you parents have been to you since you had your surgery. Oh my, we always worry about our family. Take care and keep us posted.

Leah, if you should read...thinking of you. And Becky, same here.

Oh gosh, a family of a kind. So many others that have crossed our path. Pouring out our hearts and hurt to those that will truly understand. I know this much... I would not give back one single moment if it meant my boy had not touched my life. I cherish every single moment he lived. This amazing and beautiful soul. My son. How proud I am of you. You wonderful and beautiful young man. I take comfort in God's promise that I will see you again. Your death has taught me how to live. You were my teacher. You made me recognize in your absence how my life is not complete without you. Relationships are what matter... and the rest is window dressing. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Kate..so beautifully put.  Neighbour said they heard we are supposed to get a lot of rain this summer....oh the joys of southern Ontario. I will get out of oxford county someday. Really I will. 

Lesley.  Sounds like you got a good set of parents there.  Cherish them. So sad there is always newbies.

kate and Dianne...I always use the “one in heaven”.  If you ever want to get out of a conversation with someone just mention that.

stephanie..how are you dear girl.. so new and raw to your grief and guilt.  I know it won’t be right now but one day you will change your name from the guilt to “god knows my heart” or “I don’t have control over everything that happens” or something else to reflect the movement ahead u will make someday.  Remember hearts and hands here...we are all holding on to you.  

Colleen.  What a beautiful family u are.  Just like me two boys and a girl til god changed that on us.  Well I just think we have Brian and Kira still..they are always near by. Hey we have almost got thru two days in June....that’s something right?

mumtogeorge...don’t waste another minutes time on them friend, my best friends of 29 years just insesently talked about thier daughters til I couldn’t take it anymore.  Not a single thought of how that made me feel to hear every single detail, photos, videos....put them behind you...they will never understand.

margee.  Yes we sure will boot June in the ass,  together side by side.  Do u have to take heart medication. Your a nurse so take good care of yourself.  I can’t even look when I get blood drawn, but I always say to the nurse I guess as long as one of us is looking. 

Virginia.  Keep going.  Good luck with the interviews.  

Go washington!!!!!!

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

 

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Brendan’s dad.  I know exactly what u mean about being tired of just existing.  I am just a few weeks away from 7 years and I am just now beginning to let just a little bit of sunshine in now and then.  You are so right that we can’t do anything about the past and we would have moved heaven and earth to save Brendan and Kira if we could have.  There is a song that says “a fool will lose tomorrow reaching back for yesterday”.  It is difficult to do but I think we have both earned that right and owe it to our kids to live every moment to its fullest.  It is difficult to not feel guilty about finding some light again.  But we can do it, I know we can.  

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[JRr]

Trmsmom, the rage can be scary especially when it comes from no where. I have been struggling with it since the night Andrew left. One “friend” in particular, who was standing in the final place where my son took his final breath, was whining about the phone he just bought that day that the cops took! I looked at him and said “Are  you fkn serious, I just lost my son, had to watch my boy get rolled into a coroner’s van at 1 am alone, while I’m making sure his house is locked up so vultures like you can’t get in!! And your crying about a phone that you will get back!! He left, but I’m the lucky one that gets to see him at least three times a week, walking around selling the poison that destroyed my boys soul. That rage is controlling my life and I can’t stand it, that’s not me, but I’m almost looking for a fight!! The one thing that stops me is my wife and daughter, they don’t need that stress of me being in jail. But it does scare me that one day I won’t be able to control it, the only thing I can say is just pray for peace. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and pray for the rage to subside.

[ericasmom]

JRr and TRMS, I don't know your stories well, may have missed some of them, but know that you are both early on and feeling the ache and pain and anger that goes along with early grief, and certainly, anger at the ways our Kids die can be filled with rage. Drugs and those who provided them...and having to see these people around would be very hard indeed. Please seek help if you feel that the rage is going to take over your life, it sure would be horrid if your wife and daughter had to deal with that kind of trauma on top of the trauma you all are already dealing with. How old was your Boy JRr, when he died? How old is your girl?

[JRr]

Andrew was 23 when he passed and my daughter was 18. She has been in the hospital 3 times since he passed( mental). She’s hurting and yet another reason I feel like a failure, not just because I can’t fix my wife but cuz I can’t fix my daughter!! It’s always around the holidays that seem the worst, of course. It always seemed to be around days that would effect my wife the most, Mother’s Day then my wife’s birthday, was when my daughter would end up in the hospital. At first I was angry with my daughter, cuz how could she make it worse on her mom?!! Then I realized my daughter felt bad cuz Andrew would always make sure he did something for his mom on those days, while my daughter didn’t have to go big. It’s like she felt she had to live up to his standards, cuz she was the only child left and the pressure was too much for her. The poor thing just couldn’t handle it, and all’s she had to do is just say “ I love you mom”. Instead my wife had to spend that holiday and birthday visiting her daughter in the hospital. My wife has always made sure her kids knew they were loved and did anything to take their pain away.

[Tommy's mum]

jrr I am sad that your daughter is hurting so badly. Losing a sibling is harder than people realise you lose your childhood friend and art of your own future as well. Being the only sibling left is tough she probably feels she has too much to live upto. I really hope she finds some bereavement counselling as too often that is ignored because they focus on the danger to life scenario. bless her she needs to release some subconscious inner guilt  and know that like you she could not prevent his death. Grief causes major ripples within a family causing fractures in relationships and isolation but these can be healed in time with the right help. It is true that you cannot fix anyone else only yourself, and while that is hard, by focusing on your own recovery and attitudes and understanding it will ultimately help others. This is best demonstrated by the story of how a parent must first put on their own oxygen mask in a plane incident before putting on their child's as failure to do so can cause harm to both. She is crying out for help and needs her family to understand her more than ever, even  when her actions cause more distress to her family. Rage is a kicker to be sure. Finding a healthy way to express rage is so important else one day it can just explode and cause mayhem, and it is exhausting keeping yourself under guard day after day. I totally understand your rage toward drug dealers. They are scum preying on some of the vulnerable people promising happiness and stress relief lying about the fact they are addictive poisons that warp and destroy lives. All we can hope for is long prison sentences for them but sadly there will always be others to take their place lured by easy money. The only other way to help combat the problem is to educate children about drugs and teach them strength through adversity. Unfortunately there will always be some kids who fall victim to drugs because they struggle with their lives or their emotions and need to find something that seems to take away the problems for a while. My son also took drugs for a while it changed who he was and i worried every day about his choices and the people he hung out with. Tommy did eventually get clean and sober which was fantastic and turned his life around but then was killed after only about 14 months of sobriety, go figure. I know he was able to be supportive empathetic and helpful to other young people on drugs or struggling with mental health issues, but I know he could have helped so many more if his life had not been cut short.

[Bea8924]

Hello new to this forum, was looking for a place to vent and find people to relate to. I skimmed through the comments and feeling i can relate most to sashas mom "the guilt". my daughter was also 4yrs old when she passed away on May 14, 2018. One day after mother's day, 10 days before my bday. The timing of her unexpected death is horrible. The past 3weeks that she's been gone have been a roller coaster. I'm not sure what caused my daughter's passing. To my understanding she was sick with what I thought was flu like symptoms. Saturday morning we were at a tball game playing, Sunday she got a fever and by Monday morning paramedics told me "she's dead, she died" in those exact words. (Still pisses me off for their lack of compassion. I was To late to take her to the Dr. I was taking her at 7am and on the car ride over she stop responding I called 911 and was only 2 blocks from my house, so I turned back to give 911 an address. As I pulled over in front of my house, she wasn't breathing, then told me to start chest compressions. The 3min it took the ambulance to get there seemed like forever. I waved them down from my car so they can km ow where I am. I have stopped chest compressions but I looked in her eyes and they were dialated, i thought the worst, but I still had hope. I pleaded for them to save her. They didn't let me in the ambulance with her. Instead they questioned me what happened and I told them she had been sick and i was taking her to the DR. Instead of believing me they said "tell me what really happened". At this time my husband had come out of the house and I told him to pray with me. We prayed but it was too late. According to paramedics she was dead on arrival. I was mad that my prayers were not heard to save my girl, I was mad at the paramedics for not letting me see her, for their lack of compassion and not trying hard enough but mostly mad at myself for not taking her to the DR sooner. I was left with the "what if" questions and guilt. To this day the car ride and morning replay in my head over and over. I want to remember my baby Nezzy for the smiley happy girl she is but the look in her eyes as I was trying to save her life haunts me. I did everything I was supposed to do. But in reality I feel like I should have done more. We are still waiting for cause of death. Prolly have to wait another 3-6 months. Till then I will have no closure. For now I'm making my relationship with God stronger and venting when ever I can. I have a 6yrold son and a 4month old daughter I still need to be strong for. They are the reason I keep my **** together and keep moving in life. I do have my moment where I break down but never in front of them. On my bday my baby Nezzy was cremated, I went to by the lake to watch the sunrise and recorded it. When I looked back at the video the sun rays make the shape of an angel or cross. I took that as a sign from her and God that she's ok. Just taking It day by day. Trying to stay strong.

[ericasmom]

God bless your Nezzy, that beautiful Girl of yours. Always your Daughter, forever her Momma.

[TearsInHeaven]

Bea,  my heart breaks for you and your family.  Your beautiful little Nezzy with a radiant smile and beautiful banana curls (don't know what they call them today but a long time ago...) Just a little over 2 weeks into your loss and here you are with a broken heart and soul. Words seem so insufficient to address your loss and your pain. I know your faith will help and coming here with so many compassionate hearts to surround you during this time is a good step. There is a genuine caring for grieving parents here. Losing your little girl has you experiencing a pain that was unimaginable. We will be here to listen whenever you need. While taking care of yourself is the last thing on your mind please try to eat little bites and drink water. All your love for Nezzy flows through your tears. That incredible sign you shared is God's way of letting you know He has her and she is in His loving care.  Hold on as best you can and never be afraid to reach out.  

 

[Tinay]

Hi all. It was a relaxing weekend. Only stressful part was my sister and her youngest daughter are at odds. Tho my niece is going through something and pushing everyone away. My sister decided to back off and not let her daughter treat her that way. I agreed with her. Hopefully she comes around before it's too late. Anyways...

Louann- my mom is 71 and got her memorial tattoo too. It's her 3rd and she already has her next picked out. Never too late if it's what you want.  I have to post mine in 2 pictures. Wouldn't fit in one. 

Peace and love. 

Tina

[Tommy's mum]

bea glad you found us here but so sorry you qualify by having lost your precious Nezzy. The waiting for answers is one of the hardest things to do because you want to have answers, answers to why this happened. Sometimes there is no clear definitive answer which is even more frustrating and anxiety inducing. I hope in a few weeks some things are made clearer for you medically. The loss though my friend is harrowing and in truth lasts your lifetime but as time goes by you will find some resolution and hopefully some peace. We all work toward living again not existing but that is a long road to travel. Nezzy is a beautiful little girl and that sunset is a definite sign from her that she is ok and happy, it is those left behind who mourn. How is your six year old coping? Siblings also have a hard time accepting what happened especially when they are so young and they sense their parents are deeply saddened and not their usual selves which can be worrying for them. Also you have so recently given birth so must feel exhausted trying to keep it all together and night feeds etc, bless you. I hope you have lots of help and support from family and friends just tell them what it is you need, ie meals or taking the kids so you can have time alone or a listening ear and hugs whatever it is you need to make life a little easier at this hard hard time.

tina what a beautiful sun and words to live by. Was punkyroo her nickname? I don't think you mentioned that before it's cute. Do you have photos of your mum's tattoos as well? be nice to see those also. We all honour our child in our individual ways and they are all beautiful tributes to those we loved and lost but still love.

 

[peggy a sad mom]

hi i have been reading up on everything got back from florida last night. i am so sorry for people joining us and still so sorry for everyone else on here. i had a terrible week just incase you are not sure it does not matter where you are who you are with. if your heart is broke it is broke. i was a mess there i feel like its always gonna be like this. i know you guys tell me i will learn to live with it but not sure how long my body and brain can hold on. june 20th will be five months god it hurts so much back to work tomorrow pretending my life is fine. it is what it is. i'm waiting to feel even a little better.

i'm sorry for all of you i swear i am

i know none of us deserved this and we don't and can't understand why..

thanks

peggy

[peggy a sad mom]

bea she is so beautiful! god i am so sorry for you so so sorry

 

[Bea8924]

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. My son misses his sister, he seems fine. I did my best to explain to him that she was sick, her body stop working and she went up to heaven to be with God and won't be coming back. For now he has hus baby sister to keep him busy. My mom said god sent me a girl before he took one away. My Nezzy was super excited to be a big sister. I used to tell her that I gave birth but that she was her mommy. Always taking care of her baby sister. I lost my little helper and I miss her everytime I'm alone with the baby. I think one thing that I wish I did was get a family picture with the new member of the family. But yes, I have lots of family and friends for support. My daughter's memorial was packed with over 200 people. Each willing to help in any way but at the end of the day my number one supporter is my husband. We take turns being emotional but never in front of our son who understands a bit more. We're doing our best to stay strong for our kids. So I appreciate all you listening to me vent.

[NiquesMom]

Bea your little daughter is so beautiful,  I know  she is next to you,  holding your hand and lending you strength in one of the darkest times of your life.  Keep strong for your other babies. I understand about the lack of compassion from the police. The police never contacted me,  I found out my daughter had been in an accident when her co-worker called me.  I had to hunt for the detectives information, he never tried to contact me.  I am still confused about that and it's been over  5 months now.  I pray you find some answers and peace soon.  This group is wonderful,  I read multiple times a day,  don't always post and can't remember people's names,  but the genuine compassion is here. 

[daveydow1]

HAPPY   HEAVENLY   BIRTHDAY,   NIQUE..........ANGEL.

Virginia----I'm glad that your daughter spoke to you.  thanks for the pics of your son, Kyle.

 

Mumtogeorge-----The signs and dreams that we get from our beloved children who left

this world too soon are like treasures.....all our own, and no one can take them away from us.

But,.....they will come as they may....we cannot will them to happen....many times when we least

expect them.  Treasures for us to hold close to the heart.

Dee-----I agree with you......it helps us to be able to continue to talk of our dear children here, and

to help others along the way.  I remember the beautiful Shaft of Light picture you posted a good

while ago....it is beautiful and inspiring.

 

Kate---Thanks for sharing your experiences/signs from Jeff , of the young man and young woman,

and of the tea house.  Certainly signs from your dear son.

Gretchen---Glad to see your post and Forest's smile. Glad you are doing ok.

 

Stephanie-------Oh,  I'm so sorry for the tragic accident that took your little girl, Sasha's life.  There

are no words for the pain and sorrow you are having now.  Please,.....just come back here and read/post

when you feel you want to.  Thank you for posting the video of your little angel.  Peace to you.

 

LouAnn----Thanks for posting the pics of Kira and her beloved cat, Lilly, and of you....taking good care

of the kitty.  I find cats to be very calming.  When my David died, our cat, Brownie, would come over to me

when I was crying and crying....she seemed to know, and shared my sorrow. 

Margee-----Jason is surely sending down love to make all those flower beds flourish.

 

JRr----Glad to hear that you have had some signs from your dear son.

Dianne---So kind of Michael to rescue the little kitten in the rain, and he must have loved her. Thanks

for the nice pic.

Brendansdad----Yes----it can be so painful to see your beloved son's friends growing up, and cause 

so much pain and regret....missing him so.  I'm glad that you have found your way to this site.  We can

find understanding here, that we may not be able to find anywhere else.  Peace to you.  

 

Colleen---I agree with you about giving answers to questions that may not be welcome at the time.  Just

saying "a car crash"  is sufficient.  I, too, use the same words sometimes, about questions.  Thanks for

the lovely pic of your family.   Have you visited the bird sanctuary lately?  I remember you telling us about

it in the past, and it sounds like a beautiful place to go to.

WISHING   PEACE   AND  TRANQUILITY  TO  ALL   INDIGOS

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

[NiquesMom]

Bea, my son was 4 when my daughter died. Now he is 5. I let him see me sad,  so he knows it's ok to be sad.  I talk about his sister all the time,  things she liked to do, to keep her memory alive.  I have a necklace with her picture and fingerprint,  and he says "sister is coming with us " when I wear it.  He sees a play therapist once a week.  I feel he is ok,  but with him so young,  I just want to be sure he knows how much I love him and that my sadness has nothing to do with him or changes how much I love him. 

[Bea8924]

Niques mom: I have been offered counseling for myself and my son. I intend to go and take him as well but without answers to my daughter's cause of death I feel like I have nothing to talk about. It's like when people ask me how she passed, I don't know what to say besides "she was sick" they want more answers and I have none to give. It all just happened so fast that I been playing detective on Google and webMD. I have speculations but no definitive answers. But I do want to keep her memory alive. We have pictures of her all over the house and pray to her every night before bed. We were gifted necklaces where we can add her ashes inside and are waiting for her fingerprint pendant but won't receive that for another 6weeks. For now, my husband and I wear a rainbow bead braclet in remembrance of her. 

[ericasmom]

Bea, I am very happy for the deep connection you and your husband share with each other and the other children, as well as the many folks around you to assist you. Prayers for you All as you find your way.

[Tinay]

My mom's is the angel tattoo and my sister has the lotus on her foot. This was my sister's first tattoo. 

[Tinay]

[Tinay]

[shorty16]

Bea,

My heart breaks..she is so beautiful.

you have come to the right place.  

Hi Peggy,  good to see you.  

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[ericasmom]

Colleen, the photo of your whole family is lovely, the joy was evident...I know how hard you have all worked ot find your lives amid the ashes...

Sherry, nice to see you today...one more half day of school for me. I am pooped.

Pam, going away did not make you feel better but instead underlined the ache that follows us throughout. You are still fresh as a new leaf on this journey, so at this point, the pain will be what it is no matter. One day you may travel again and find some delight in it...Hang on.

Virginia, it is so good to see you posting such helpful hints for Bea. Wonderful.

I love all the tattoos...I did not get a tattoo after Erica passed away, but about 90 people did in the small town she loved: Kalamazoo. Most of them got a tattoo of the chinese characters that said beautiful and laughing girl- many of her girlfriends got the tattoo on their foot, saying that with each step, she steps along with them. Love that. I wear a necklace with the Chinese characters that say beautiful daughter EER. (Erica Eileen Reith). 

I just came back from the more formal memorial for my friend Patti. It was in a big Italian restaurant, in a banquet room that holds 250 people, it was overflowing...amazing, tears and laughter and the deep missing...we all get that deep missing.

[Brendan's Dad]

I love all of the tattoo pics.  I have two of Brendan.  One on my forearm is just in memory of him.  The one on the outside of my arm is actually his very last homework assignment.  I took his last signature and had it tattooed on my arm.  

[MargeeTx]

Oh  Bea..... your daughter is simply precious.  I am so sorry that she got so sick, so quickly.  Stay with us.... we can and will help you.  Waiting for answers will consume you.  You have 2 other children that will need you and your husband even more now than ever before.

Yes, I am on some horrible heart medication that I force myself to take.  As I have said before, one day I will share my crazy health scare from a couple of years ago.

You guys with your new tattoos.....you are braver than me! At my age, they would have to stretch my old lady crappy skin to find a place to put one!

I am going to read a little while ( that usually means a nap). 

Take care everyone..... talk to you later.

[peggy a sad mom]

colleen thank's for saying hello!

[ericasmom]

Wow, today was the day we had to have a few meetings and finish cleaning and packing our classrooms. I am done for the summer, so this is good. I hope everyone had a decent day.

Leah, if you are out here, thinking of you...Georgina, you too, wondering how the new baby is and how your Daughter is feeling...Sarah, my Chicago connection, how are you doing, you came here along with a few other new grievers, so I just am hoping that you are doing okay.

Kate, I cannot believe that our country is imposing tariffs on your country for materials we have always traded without issue...goodness.

[ericasmom]

Brendan's Dad, i like your tattoos as well, they speak to your absolute devotion. Your Boy knows...

[Tinay]

I forgot to answer the punkyroo question. It is her nickname I called her. It started at punkineeter girl. Went to punkyroo roo. Then just punkyroo

[shorty16]

Thanks for sharing all the tattoos.  They are beautiful, sentimental, different, but yet the same.  

One of the things I love about this site; We can share our likes and dis-likes.

I, for one, will never get a tattoo.  I could not handle the pain.

My daughter has 4 tattoos and my son has one.  Hubby has none.

Again, thanks for sharing.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever 

[Tommy's mum]

brendansdad your tattoos are a loving memorial to your precious boy I especially love his signature. One day I will get one just have not found the right one for me yet, I continue my search.

dee you do sound tired at least now you have the summer break to recoup and regain your strength and enjoy some quality time doing what you choose to do. I so admire teachers, they work so hard with little recognition and truly change lives with education and life experiences.

 

[Sunshine Princess Jaelynn]

Hello everyone. It's been a while since I've posted and a lot has happened. My husband and I aren't doing so well right now. Arguing has been a frequent thing lately and yesterday he said something that explains why. We were in an arguement and to make the story short he said "at least I don't hit kids with the car"... that was it for me. I packed up a few things and left to my aunt's house and now we are here. He even threatened that he will probably get custody of the boys "because of what I did". I'm suffering in and out right now. I miss Jaelynn so much and wishing could rewind time and go back to that horrible morning and change it. I wish I could trade places with her. I wish this didn't happen to her or to us. And now to make matters worse my husband is full on blaming me for my daughter's death. To be honest I don't blame him. I'm glad someone is giving me what I deserve. I think i would be doing the same if he was in my position. I mean I am feeling this is my fault right now anyway. If that makes any sense? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm completely lost. 

[Sunshine Princess Jaelynn]

Bea: My heart aches for you. I'm so sorry you lost your baby girl. She's beautiful! We are here for you. 

[Sunshine Princess Jaelynn]

I miss you everyday Sunshine Princess, everyday!

[Sunshine Princess Jaelynn]

Shorty16: Crazy how you mentioned that people ask how your child died. I had that happen to me the other day. My boys and i were at supercuts getting my son AJ a haircut and the man that was going to cut his hair asked how many kids do you have? I replied, three. He asked where's your other one? My stomach turned and I felt the tears coming up. She passed away a few weeks ago I said. He said how did it happen? Omg, i didn't know how to answer. I just said a car accident. And he kept on asking, was she with you? I broke down and went to the restroom. I got so pissed and upset, am I wrong to feel like that? Like what is it his business to know? I'm still upset about it. 

[Bea8924]

The guilt: thank you for your compassion. Your daughter is beautiful. I'd like to think that our daughter's are in heaven right now playing together. A day before my daughter passed I posted on FB how "I would trade places with her in a heart beat" but I would NEVER want to make her go through the pain and hardships of losing a loved one. Grieving is so painful that it would break my heart to see her sad day in and day out like her father and I have been. So in a sense I am glad she is no longer suffering. Even if we made it to the hospital in time to save her life it, would be tough to see my baby on life support or something like that. 

I'm sorry your husband spoke to you that way and made such a rude comment. My husband has said I was a "bad mom" one time when my daughter got cut and needed stitches. Though he has apologized for what he said, that kind of comment stays with you. But like it has been said, it was an accident you did not hurt your daughter intentionally and you did what you had to do to try to save her life. Making the call to my husband to let him know our daughter stop breathing was scary. I thought he would blame me as well. But he assured me after that I did everything I could to save her life. And that's what you did, you tried to save her life, you called 911 so don't let one comment change the fact that an accident occured and you did what you had to do to try to save your child's life.

Can I just say I think it was rude of the barber to ask so many questions. Death of a child is hard enough. Don't add to the stress of going into detail. Especially to strangers who didn't know your daughter. When I posted about my daughter's passing (a week after her memorial) many people messaged me to show support and offer condolences but you had those few that would ask what happened and I would answer with " I have more questions than answers at this point". Then some people would message other family members of mine to get information which rubbed me the wrong way. 

Do your best to stay strong. It's hard, I know. I'm with you in your pain. I have attached the last selfie I got to take with my baby girl. She looks so beautiful (can't say the same for me) lol she doesnt even need a filter. 

[TearsInHeaven]

Stephanie, the death of a child shatters you and then changes you. Difficult situations and strong emotions lurk behind every corner.  I am so sorry to hear that you and your husband have separated and that he hurled such comments at you.  You are carrying around enough feelings from the accident and when the person you need the most censures you ,I can only imagine that more of your heart broke.  I am sorry you are carrying all of this inside. Losing a child is the worst tragedy one can suffer. Your emotions are so close to the surface. Your nerves are exposed and raw.  You feel alone and broken. I hope there is some help you can seek. While Jaelynn is in Heaven, your other children are facing confusion and sadness without the understanding of why. Please be kind to yourself. There are many steps to healing but there is a place your broken heart will find for yourself and for your family.  

Yes, I believe that Bea and Stephanie's little girls have found each other and made friends in Heaven.  Brendan is with them and all of our adult angels are keeping them surrounded with love.

[ericasmom]

Goodness, what beautiful photos ...I am so sorry that your husband said such painful things to  you dear Guilt, this is terrible for your spirit, so moving to your Aunt was a good way to stay safe from more of that...and to keep your boys from hearing it. I wish that I could make it different than it is. Keep protecting yourself.

[Tommy's mum]

the guilt I am so so sorry your husband said that to you. However he is also suffering and has to go through all his feelings thoughts and emotions too until he gets to a place where he can definitively regard it as the tragic accident it was and not apportion blame. When a child dies at first it is reallly common to apportion blame on someone or something that is part of the process and is a kind of automatic response but as you learn to face life again you gradually lose the blame game and begin to focus in a different way. You already hold more than enough guilt and trauma bless you which will take time to work through until you come to realise it was a complete accident, and you  do not need to be reminded of what happened. I understand your response of leaving it is just too much for you to deal with emotionally and maybe some space will help both of you to be able to think more clearly about the future. It is still very early days for all of you so do not feel you have to make a definite decision about the future right now, take it slowly day by day.  if in time your marriage fails I cannot ever  imagine that would be an issue with custody of your other children especially as the police have not charged you with anything because it was an accident. My dear this is all too overwhelming and horrible to deal with so please take it all slowly and do not make rash decisions. Your aunt is a safe place for you and your children you need to take care of yourself first so that you can be the support for your other children at this very traumatic time they will also be grieving and quite confused as to what is happening. Grief over losing a child can cause a temporary kind of madness where you are not yourself so understand both you and your husband are not bad people you are grieving parents. My heart goes out to you. I can only offer you the hand of friendship and understanding. You do not ever have to find answers or feel you have to explain to other people, say what feels best at the time and then hold up your hand and say "This is too painful to talk about" or just walk away. They will get the message.

bea your little girl is so cute she looks so like her momma but you are correct she is happy and ok and playing with other children. You did your best to seek medical help for her and it is so sad that she could not be saved. However our child passes we sometimes wish there had been a different scenario but the fact is we have to gradually accept what happened.. In the early days I  wished my son had been on life support so I could see him and say goodbye but that was not the case it was not meant to be and wishing for something does not make it happen. However after being on this site and hearing the anguish of parents that were put in that unenviable position I realised i was only torturing myself and it was not healthy. So I worked through my thoughts and feelings in therapy and made peace with the way my son passed. none of us will ever, ever get over losing our child, certainly not in this lifetime, but we can learn to make some kind of peace but that can take months or years. i still struggle with the fact my Tommy died whilst saving his friend and that the other kid survived, but I managed to trace him, we have spoken twice on message in 2016 and I gave him my forgiveness because he needs to heal from the trauma and guilt and get on with his life. at least his family do not walk the path we now do.

[peggy a sad mom]

Omg the guilt I am so sorry for you. He is lashing out I guess because of his own pain. We (I think) have looked for some one to blame. His friend was at my house the day before he left 830 that night the next day I found my son. I still don't know what happened but I think we all want to blame someone. I don't know what to say. Stay away see if he comes to you first that may mean he is sorry good luck Peggy