Loss of an Adult Child

[Tommy's mum]

brendansdad having people to vent to and explain your thoughts is priceless. Some things you feel you cannot say to family or friends because it would worry them or make them think you have lost the plot. We can understand and be empathetic because we know how it is, what triggers a break point, and how mixed up and crazy grief can make you. You are not alone in this and are ready now to reflect and make some changes because you were existing before and not living. The greatest testament you can make to your Brendan is proving that although grief brought you to your knees and caused so much personal chaos, that you will move forward and make him proud of the dad he knows you still are. Of course he loves you, you are his dad.. You are going in the right direction now and that is awesome.

 

 

 

[Sunshine Princess Jaelynn]

Thank you all for your huge support. It's been a week and 4 days since my daughter Jaelynn passed away in the front yard of our home. Not one day goes by that I don't think of her or that tragic, horrific traumatizing day. We were staying at my mom's and started staying back home for 2 nights now and it doesn't feel the same without her here with us. I'm still holding the guilt and fault in me and at times I don't wish to live on but then I look at my 2 boys and know they still need me. My husband and I had a rocky rough time at the beginning of this and now i think we are getting past it. I get up thinking about her and everything and he's there to comfort me as I am for him. I still think I don't deserve to live on and still think God will punish me at my time but as you all have said it will pass. Thank you all for hearing me. Thank you all for not judging me. Thank you all for supporting me. 

[Sunshine Princess Jaelynn]

[Tommy's mum]

theguilt What a beautiful little girl Jaelynn is. No judgement here, it was a truly devastating accident that your whole family suffered. I am glad you and your husband are able to give comfort to each other without blame or recriminations. You both lost your little girl that day and the strength you find together will help to carry your little family through the dark times that do come along with grief. Bless you both and it is inspiring that you were able to share your sad story after such a brief time. I think the courage and grace you have demonstrated so far will go a long way in healing from this trauma.

 

[ericasmom]

Mom to Sasha, what  a gorgeous little singer your Girl is. The pain of returning home without her is terrible I know. When you say that God will punish you when your time comes...I think of God as an open and loving energy, don't you think that he/she already knows that your heart is broken adn that you have taken on guilt and that is more punishment than anything a God can lay on you. This is the worst thing, this loss, you are a loving Mom, you are a broken-hearted Mom, that alone is the biggest and most damning kind of pain. Now when you feel guilty, I want you to try to tell yourself that your Girl does not blame you, that this was an accident. Be as kind to you as you would want another person in your shoes, to be to themselves.

[shorty16]

Mom to Sasha,

You are not alone.  Many of us have walked this path before you.  We all took different roads to get to the same place.

on June 19, it will be 10 years since I hugged my Brian or heard him laugh.  There is no "right-way" to grieve.  As long as you do not hurt yourself or someone else.

you have come to the right place.  We do not judge, we care, we offer what has worked for us and we love.

Be kind to yourself.  I watched the video of your beautiful little girl.  What a singer!

My Brian was 16 when he decided to climb on the hood of a car along with another boy.  The driver lost control and applied the brake at 68 mph with 2 kids on the hood of his car.  Brian flew off, hit the ground and was dead within minutes.  The other 2 boys walked away.  I can make no sense of Brians death.  

We are here to help each other through the worst experience of our lives.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

 

[shorty16]

Louanne

You have come so far since your first posts.

Our shared angel-date is coming.  Then, Brians 27th Birthday.  

I will be thinking of you as we go through this time of year together.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

[My girl is in heaven]

The guilt.. sorry r u mom to Sasha or is that a different mom.  Anyway Jaelynn is a gem...I didn’t know her but felt twinges in my heart to see that precious face and hear her singing to her mom.  I always thought god is going to punish me too for not doing what I should have to save my daughter.  Feeling that now I know you will, but god will release you, us from that because he knows where are hearts are and were. He made us human and that means we aren’t always perfect.  My offer will always stand if you want to reach out. Here you will never be judged or told what you should or should not be feeling.  Nothing but 100% acceptance for where ever you are in your journey.  Hugs.

brendans dad.  I’m glad you are still posting.  You take that cardinal or hawk and hang on to them with all u got. We will never get the whole again so take the crumbs when they come along.  And yes your boy loves his dad as all our angels here love thier parents. Cause everyone of them knows we would trade places with them if we could.  Your signs or dreams will come along again. I have not found any rhyme or reason as to what and when the appear. But be assured Brendan will always be there and will drop a little something for you.  Hugs.  I love your picture of Brendan with Jesus. He really is taking care of our babies. 

Susan and Lesley.  Love your quotes.  

Dee and Dianne thanks for your kind words. I worry sometimes I might say the wrong thing to someone but as Susan quoted better a friend with the wrong words then one who isn’t there.  And I can’t stress enough that I will always be here as long as I’m healthy enough  because I know that gut wrenching feeling of not only losing a child but then to find all your family and friends drop off....and I’m sorry to say, but I can almost almost guarantee for most of you....they will.  

Luanne....Kira’s mama.  

[tobyfreefoot]

The guilt god will not punish you. You have already suffered more than your share. Continuing to live for your boys will be hard but what you have to do.

It is hard to keep up with lots of little kids. Don't blame yourself. My son died as a passenger in his girlfriend's car. I don't blame her, accidents happen. I worked with a woman who ran over her 2 year old. Accidents happen and it just takes a second. I am so so sorry though. Your story has me fighting not to just throw myself across the bed sobbing. Sending all the comfort to you i can

 

[MargeeTx]

Jaelynn is absolutely beautiful.   I love her little song.  My oldest grandson, Carson,  11 now... his first " song" was a commercial fromTV for an electric company......' we will fix it in a flash!'   We thought he was too cute, and then decided he was watching too much TV.   I said"no, they are playing the commercial too much!' You. Know how Grandmothers think... lol.

Today is the damned, hated Tuesday.  19 weeks.  I know there are several of us here with nearly those dates in late January, 2018.  The entire day .... the brain just keeps hearing Mike saying to me ( remember Jason died on Tuesday, but I didn't find out until Thursday)  ". Waking me up, saying "here is your water, take your medicine". That was so strange.  Then I saw Jeremy in the hall, and Mike said..."Jason is dead."  

Since that day, I am no longer the person I was before.  Even though I am a nurse, I did not know that a human could feel the pain that I feel.  I feel as if I am not living... I am going through the motions, but I am not living. At times I think I am really hallucinating...brain fog does not describe it.  I get some relief when I am driving by myself, and I swear....I SCREAM like a mad woman. 

When Mike isn't here, I scream here at home.  I want God to HEAR me.  And then I worry because I don't want Jason to hear me....it is all totally nuts.

but hey folks... still showering, doing hair and a little makeup every day.  This is a major accomplishment.  I think it helps.  

Thank you all so very much for being here.  I find myself needing to check in with y'all a couple of times every day. It means the world to me.

[TearsInHeaven]

Margarett,  I can certainly relate to the intense pain and just going through the motions of living.  It is the worse thing any parent can go through and it hits each of us differently.  But taking care of yourself is a major accomplishment...baby steps are to be acknowledged and held close because then you open a small path for more of those baby steps. Some bereaved parents return to a job and or/ caring for other children young or grown. Some find a creative outlet in a craft or a garden and some volunteer to help others. Somehow, some way we make our way.Those of us here recognize those small steps and cheer each other on or hold a virtual hand when that step back happens.

I have gotten into the habit of spending 30-60 minutes on my grief enlightenment (what I call it).  Maybe I look for information on how others cope or things maybe I can incorporate.  Sometimes I just read grief quotes ( and cry my eyes out).  I know that sounds a bit too analytical but I guess it is how I am wired.  I came across this this morning and thought I would share. https://healgrief.org/grieving-the-death-of-a-child/  

 

[ericasmom]

Dianne, what an amazing source of information for folks, even oldies like me...thank you so much for providing this link to ALL! I love the way you nurture us here.

[Sunshine Princess Jaelynn]

My girl is in heaven: That's not me, I'm not sure how it came that I'm "mom to sasha" but it's ok. Thank you for your support and kindness. This weight on my shoulders is extremely heavy and you made it a little lighter. 

Margee tx: Thank you! I would think that because she is my daughter "of course i think she's beautiful" but then I look at this situation and think no everyone saw her beauty because she is one of Gods Angel's. And Gods angels stand out in the most beautiful way. Your grandson Carson and her would've made a cute duet, she loved to sing. 

Tobyfreefoot: Thank you for your kind words. Everyone around me is saying it was an accident but to me it was my fault for carelessness. Not paying attention to my surroundings and not noticing that she wasn't buckled into her carseat. (She would buckle herself up). I should've taken the time to make sure they were all in but i didn't. Thank you for your support, I truly appreciate it. The woman who ran over her 2 year old, did the child die? I would greatly appreciate emailing her if possible. stephyagarcia@gmail.com. Thank you again. 

Shorty16: I'm so sorry for your loss. Brian is your angel now. You're right thereis no right way to grieve. At times I felt as though I should just end it but my boys would be without a mother. They don't deserve that. I feel that they don't even deserve me as their mom. They deserve so so so so much better. But here I am trying for THEM. They are my rock keeping me up.

Ericasmom: Thank you for that. You're right God is a loving energy and my little angel is right there by his/her side watching over us. I hope one day I'll be able to forgive myself but for now I'm trying for my boys to be strong. They deserve for me to push forward and not drown in my darkness. 

Tommysmom: My husband and I at first were rough. This is the hardest thing life has dealt us and we were failing as a couple. But now I'm feeling we are coming together. Thank you for your blessing. 

Brendansdad: Thank you for praying for us. I believe the power of prayer is why I'm up out of bed right now. Just got to take it day by day. 

Tears in heaven: I feel like I'm not the same person. This hit my family and I hard and I know that I'll never be "Stephanie" again. I hope I at least come close to it. 

My girl is in heaven: I'm so sorry you're going through this guilt as well. I'm sorry for your loss. We're are always going to have those questions of what if? or why? or why didn't I do this? What was different that day? Etc. I'm praying for you. 

Jeffs mom: I do feel responsible, my heart does feel heavy and empty and accidents do happen. But what I can't comprehend is why her? Why my family? We were so happy and whole. Why didn't I take care of her like mother should? Right now I feel like it will never go away. 

Mermaid Tears: Yes we do have a supportive circle aroundus but I feel like I can't say what I'm feeling to them. The details of that morning are too ugly and gruesome. I don't feel like I could share that with them so I keep it held in. I replay over and over and over her lifeless face and blood coming from her mouth and it's just too much to say. It's something I just can't share.. along with my dark thoughts of ending my life for taking her life. But then i think ofmy boys. They keep me up...

Tommysmom: Yes being here and voicing my guilt, grief and pain to you all is helping a little. I know it's going to be a long road but I'm here and I'm trying.

Ericasmom: I wish I could undo that whole morning. I wish I could trade places with her. I wish I could rewind it all. I wish I could hold her again. I wish I could tell her I'm sorry. I hope she knows how much I love her! 

Thank you all for hearing me, much love Stephanie

[TearsInHeaven]

Stephanie, glad the confusion between "The Guilt" and "Mom to Sasha"  is cleared.  Yes, you will never be the person you were prior to the loss of Jaelynn.   It is a harsh road as a bereaved parent.  But then, you are not the same person you were before the birth of your first child made you a mom. Different circumstances for sure but yet life has a way of changing and sometimes without even getting our permission.  You have been through the worst tragedy that can only be described as unimaginable.  Losing your child is not something you prepare for nor ever can consider....and yet here we all are. Grief comes at you from all sides. Don't let your guilt internalize and seek whatever assistance you can to help you that is equipped to handle the circumstances of your loss.  Your beautiful little girl knows and feels your love, never forget that. There are kind and compassionate people on here who so openly share their wisdom and lessons learned.  Your grief will be as unique as the love you have for Jaelynn but sometimes the talking, crying, screaming you need to get out can be taken here.  Sometimes when you think you cannot hold on any longer know there are those ready to reach out a hand to you.

[Tommy's mum]

Stephanie I am glad you are finding it helpful being part of our little community the members are awesome and have helped me so much. This is the safe private place where you can say exactly what you feel or think or experience. Some people find discussing details is helpful others are more private whatever is totally fine. It is hard to discuss certain things with family as they find it upsetting or painful because they are trying to deal with your girl's loss in their own way. I really liked the way you described your daughter as sunshine princess and it would be lovely for you to rename yourself something like that in time and leave behind the name the guilt. I understand that is how you identify yourself right now and the reasons why,  but often people live upto names they have been assigned in life and my hope is that in time you will be able to see past that and be able to forgive yourself. Forgiveness of self is something most of us have had to deal with in some form or other and it is crucial to healing and finding some peace in the future.

dianne I also read blogs or articles and cry over quotes it is healing to make time to feel the grief and work through it instead of pushing it down inside and delaying the trauma. I know most people work so have to keep up the brave front in front of colleagues but as margarett has said she lets it all go at home which is a healthy response. We are all so individual that although we often have a lot in common we react differently and at different time intervals so offerring help and resource information is so helpful thank you.

A very traumatic event especially the sudden loss of a child can cause a form of PTSD which may need treatment. EMDR is an effective treatment that has helped many people.With trauma initially you shut down and become robotic because the information  and emotional overload is overwhelming. Later you try and avoid thinking about it because it is so painful and gives you nightmares, but it is important to actually process the scene and the events in very small increments to make sense of the loss and eventually gain a whole perspective. grief lasts a very long time because it is associated with the loss of someone you loved very deeply and who you miss and you have to learn to live again and acquaint yourself with the new "you" that is created afterwards. Counselling, bereavement couselling and medications can be very helpful after loss whatever each person needs to cope. I feel privileged when members share their deeply personal stories, and what treatments, medications or resources they found helpful because it gives other members insights and options to explore for their own mental well being. Thanks guys.

[NiquesMom]

 If everyone can please send out good luck vibes,  I have a second round interview tomorrow for a job in NorthCarolina! I need to leave this state and never look back. My husband and son are chomping at the bit to leave as well. 

I know I can do this job,  I just need to nail this second interview. 

Thank you, 

Virginia

[ericasmom]

Stephanie, I think that it was my fault that I may be the one who confused your posts with someone started calling you mom to Sasha, I think that there was one post from someone here with a SASHA, but I don't know...so if there is a Mom other there with a Sasha, please forgvie me for mixing up Moms and Daughters. Stephanie, I know, I do so know, that you wish that  you could go back and change that moment. I am holding you in your ache and I am sending great hope for you and your Boys. Your Sweet little Song-Bird is fine, she is smiling on you and hoping to push that guilt aside because she knows...she knows your heart, and in it she smiles and loves you forever.

[My girl is in heaven]

Virginia, you go girl.  Prayers and positive thoughts coming your way.  Some say u shouldn’t move cause u can’t run from it.  I felt bad for awhile but I know it was the right decision.  You will never forget anything about Nique but a clean slate somewhere else I think is a positive thing.  My problem was I didn’t move far enough and now I can’t afford to move.  But I’m holding out hope someday I will get out of this county.  Please let us know how the interview goes.  

Stephanie..how kind and compassionate to be thinking about all of us even though u are just brand new in your grief journey.  But don’t be afraid to lean as hard as u need to on us. As Lesley (Tommy’s mom) posted once we take turns holding the lantern for each other. And nobody expects u do anything but just breath right now.  

I really, really really said last October that Vegas was going to take the cup. Everybody laughed.  Now a guy from the cable network told me if I had of bet 1000 I would have made 500,000 if Vegas wins cause the odds were 1in 500.  Ugh.   Anyway I want to see Alex ovechkin win and Vegas is obviously not a hockey town....all that silly fluffy stuff before the game....that’s not hockey, but I guess they wouldn’t know any better.  Happy watching.  It’s almost over and oh how I hate hockey withdrawal.  

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Other than to tell her I would be with her soon, the only other thing I could say to Kira was that I would look after Lilly for her (the cat).  I loved her anyway but now she is my living link to Kira.  When ever Kira came in the house she would say “Hey, baby kitty” and then she would scoop her up.  The picture on her cellphone was Lilly with her sunglasses on. And the last picture I have of Kira a few nights before she died she was holding Lilly.  Because she is an indoor cat I never take her to the vet but I took her today just for a check up as she is 14 and I just wanted her checked. The vet said while she is 80 in human years , her heart, lungs, belly was fine and she never saw a cat that age who still had all her teeth.  We watch tv together, sometimes I read to her, I rock her in my arms on the front porch and we share yogurt and cheese together.  And yes we both eat off the same spoon. Doesn’t bother me at all.  Lol so if I can get them to send , this is Kira and Lilly seven years ago and me and Lilly today.  Sometimes I hope I go first cause I can’t bear the thoughts of losing her.

[MargeeTx]

Virginia:   I am lighting a candle and sending you POSITIVE thoughts for your interview.  I will be anxious to hear how it goes.  My job before last-  I had 13 interviews.  I got the job, and then 2 years later, my position was eliminated , along with 280 others across the country.  I knew the company was nuts when I had that many interviews.  After being an RN for over  40 years, I had NEVER been laid off.  I did tell them...as I was looking at the list of all the others 'eliminated'....." hmmm, I see I am the only 62 year old female on this list...". Needless to say, I got 6 months severence pay and health insurance for 3 more months.  I came home and Mike and I went out and celebrated.  I took 2 weeks off, and had a new job the first week I was off.  Karma and it was a God thing. So know that whatever happens, it will happen.

Dianne:  I went to a therapist several years ago when I was embattled in a mid life crisis....she taught me the value and therapeutic help of journaling.  She also taught me to allow myself 30-45 minutes each day to "worry, cry, and wallow in my misery". Then to put it all away for the rest of the day.  So far, I haven't been able to put Jason and my grief in 30-45 minutes each day, and as I have said in the past, my reading and posting here has become my journaling.  I figure that as long as I keep breathing and loving my husband, my 2 children, my grandchildren, our 6 animals, the couple of friends that still will have anything to do with me, and this group....I am ok.  And, I'll be damned....my Jason flower beds look better than they ever have before!!!  

Again, everyone---- you all mean so much to me.  Thank you.  I really mean it....THANK YOU ALL!!!!

 

 

[ericasmom]

Virginia, good good vibes your way...may the job you want happen for you.

Margee, I am so glad that your Jason beds look so good. He is sending extra energy to those plants, he knows what boosts his Mom's maral.

Luanne, I love both photos...aren't you a young looking woman? Sorry that hockey is almost over, perhaps you may want to get into baseball...the Chicago Cubs are doing quite nicely right now.

[JRr]

It’s been awhile since I have seen a true sign from my boy, but the last one that stood out for me is, my wife and I were on our way out to visit his site. We keep it cleaner than the caretakers, and stop out as often as possible. He was a mechanic, like me, we taught each other a lot. I was driving and the truck just stopped right there, no reason, good battery, all the usual check points passed, but nothing. My wife said out loud, “ Alright Andrew, this isn’t funny!” Truck started right up. Shortly before that, I was getting ready at home by myself, I heard him yell for me, like he usually did when he wanted to borrow a tool, that never was brought back. I still feel him everyday and will always, but it’s nice to get a little sign once in awhile.

[TearsInHeaven]

JRr, incredible signs from your son.  Whenever you are ready tell us about Andrew.  Kind, compassionate people here who always have a listening ear and an open heart.

Luanne,  always felt Vegas would come out on top.  They had the best or almost best of each team. But I did think they would do a 4 sweep.  Guess it makes it more interesting this way.  I never had much desire to go to Vegas but I do have to admit I have enjoyed the pregame theatrics. Kira's Lilly looks similar to Michael's cat, Anderson (named after Anderson Cooper).  Michael never liked cats and was always a dog person but one stormy night he and his girlfriend found this little kitten wet and shivering and the rest was history. 

Margarett, I only started setting my healing grief time aside after our 3rd angel date sent me into a tailspin.  Believe me when I was in the early stages, grief came at me 24-7. I have always been the type to read and research things as well as write down my thoughts. It isn't that I don't think of Michael at just about every hour in the day and most sleepless nights but I give that special time to what I hope is some healing time.  Believe me I still cry at the drop of a hat but work hard at this new normal. And...being a part of this group has been what has allowed me those occasional spots of light, help from those further along, help from those newly bereaved who remind me of how hard this loss has been and hopefully opened my heart. All have made me feel so much less alone. Your garden is shining its beauty up to offer tribute to Jason.

Virginia, my most positive thoughts and bushels of luck for you on the second interview. Hoping this job becomes all that you and your family are looking for.

[Mermaid Tears]

JRr.....thanks for sharing......when a parent shares their 'signs' or 'visitation dream'......it seems to give a huge dose of 'hope' to all parents....also....it also gives another layer of 'knowing' that our child is 'still there'.....we can feel them...we have to relax what we have been told....and believe in 'what is possible'.....I have had to wipe the slate clean...and let myself be guided by my instinct and spirit....and hang on to Faith with both hands ....

[TearsInHeaven]

JRr, I saw your post under another topic and I am glad to see you made your way here. Here is where we all post so that we can keep up with each other..no matter the child's age or the circumstances of the loss.  We are here to support each other.

We have another dad who posts and I had replied in part with this:

On 5/26/2018 at 10:17 AM, TearsInHeaven said:

Coming here is a good step.  A man grieves so differently than a woman. Fathers often see themselves as providers, emotional stronger, and take on the role of holding the "family ship" above water when everything else is falling apart.  When the natural course of grief trips those traits up they "blame" themselves. Grieving fathers are more likely to hide their pain and internalize their grief.  But it has to come out sometime.... Fathers want to fix things and often the mother feels they should....  Pretty high expectations when the father has lost a child too. Everyone grieves differently even the parents of the same child.  Neither know how grief is supposed to work but the father usually tries to shoulder it and often keeps the grief work at bay....not realizing what it is doing to his external life and internal well being.

I know I saw that in my own husband when we lost our son.  It took him a long time to let his grief come out in a better way and now we can talk freely about our loss, our coping skills, our lives we never saw happening.  Talk about Andrew whenever you are ready or talk about whatever you need or want to.  I don't think any of us will be the same, ever. Certain characteristics of course, and we may even fool some people, but we will always know. We will still feel the loss, 5,10, 30 years from now, we will know. We will watch seasons come and go, people drift in and out of our lives, good times and bad, but we will know. We will know that we changed the day our child departed this world. You loved your son not only for his 23 years with you but for all of the future you saw in your father's eyes. Time is what will help. Accepting that you and your wife will grieve differently and she will need to work through hers as you work through yours.  

[Mermaid Tears]

Virginia.....giving you my all out 'good luck' hug....I do believe in making a new path. When it comes to this kind of grief.....as long as the parent is aware and intelligent enough to know they cannot 'our run' their grief......making a new journey for ourselves can be a very positive adventure.

  I write this to all my graduating Grandchildren...and all other graduating Seniors...(High school and College)....

  " To look up at the sky at night and see all the shining 1,000's of stars....now...just pick out a star...any star....and if that star does not shine bright enough for you...simply pick another. You will find a star that shines bright enough for you. The reason I tell you this is for you not to be afraid to make another choice...or go a different path. I know many that are scared to disappoint family and friends and they end up with a career that does not fit them at all. While we will be on the sidelines cheering for your success, what we ultimately want is for you to have a life of quality and passion."

I have become a more true believer in 'listening' to your gut instinct....your heart....without all the filters. We all have an inner compass and bright light that will always guide us. I truly believe you know what is best for you and your family.....we will all be a part of your new adventure.

 

[ericasmom]

Dianne, that cat looks like Anderson Cooper, for real. Hilarious.

Parents of Andrew, I love the signs that Son of yours sent you. LOVE it.

Susan, love too, what you say to those kids graduating...

[Tommy's mum]

jrr you found us here. I am sad you qualify by loss to join our community. I hope you feel comfortable soon to share more of your story and personal struggle. It is refreshing to have the male perspective because men and women do grieve differently. There are some other dads on this site maybe you can forge some connections with one or two of them. However I respect the fact you have a desire to understand your wife's perspective so you can help her and that is very touching. Relationships between parents and also siblings can fracture a little with the stress of losing a loved one and communication is the best way to forge ahead and heal wounds. Everyone grieves in their own way and that is ok, it does not have to be understood, and may seem a little irrational to others, but just needs to be accepted. I write on my son's FB wall  and talk to some of his friends,my children, all adult now will occasionally message him privately. I have a special place where I can go to take flowers on special occasions, my children just talk to their brother where they are, probably because they have moved a lot being in university and for jobs. We all have something of Tommy's in our homes and our favourite photos from before. My youngest son Ross has recently had 4 counselling sessions at university because he was struggling, my two girls Annaliese and Emily do not want to participate in counselling. My youngest daughter Emily still will not talk about what happened to her brother she refused to take any role in planning his funeral and really struggled when we scattered his ashes a year on, standing very much on one side. She is very closed up about it and that is ok she will face it when she needs to but she listens when others offload and is supportive.My son Ross has been very open and questionning and Annaliese is much in between..You cannot make someone unburden, they need to be open to it to get any relief. That is why counselling is often best and most effective once several months has passed. By then the protective shock begins to wear off and reality sets in and a person can begin to process what has happened and work their way through the feelings and emotions. You commented on the way your son passed as if it was questionable which kind of indicates some ambivalence.. In time, ultimately, it  does not matter how a child passes, what really matters is the life you had with them ,their contribution and the way the family are able to recover from the loss as positively as possible. Understandably there are sometimes court cases and trials that may or may not result in fines or incarceration and some families are able to make changes to a law or make a company accept responsibility or negligent action, but in most cases it was a tragic accident or turn of events. The why? questions pretty much all of us have had, do not always have answers. The process of grieving is understanding the event, processing what happened before and after, if known, and then learning to have a life again afterwards. I know it sound so simple but in reality it is a painful and lengthy journey full of setbacks and then progress, one step forwards and two steps back, to be able to find some peace. None of us will EVER, be ok with losing our child, but we can try to help each other and by doing so help ourselves to heal. That is the ultimate goal, to heal. The liitle signs from beyond like the one Andrew sent are precious nuggets of hope and knowledge that truly we will never be separated truly from our child, they are always with us every day. I hope you find some help on this site, the members are very wise and honest.

virginia keeping my fingers crossed for you. If this is the right job the right move it will happen for you. If it does not come through it is ok it was just not the right opportunity or the right time. . Control is something we are used to having and when things are not in our control it can be scary and unsettling.The universe has a plan for you, trust your journey as we all have to, you will be where you are supposed to be, it may take some time. Keep us updated ok?

All the cat photos made me smile, just where would we be without the love of our pets? My ginger Spartacus is great company for me, I still have a ginger "Tom "to lavish love on!!

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...my Grama and Mother wrote letters in each graduation card....I lost track of the friends..classmates who would tell me they saved their inspiring letters....so I have simply carried on the tradition....you never know who is touched with your words.

[JRr]

This is for everyone, in a way it amazes me, how I’ve needed a place to talk to anybody and I waited this long to find the perfect place, and this is it. Don’t get me wrong I hate that a place like this has to exist, but we all know it’s just the way life is. I thank all of you, not just the replies to my post  but to all the posts. I spent a good portion of my evening reading post after post, and afterwards feeling comfort that I have a place to go for help. In a way I feel bad though, cuz I don’t have the right words to say to help you all feel some piece...maybe that will come with time.  

     My wife have been going to grief counseling for the past few weeks, and tonight was our meeting. I actually spoke about Andrew, mostly good and a little bad, but the point is I talked about him!! I always talk about him to family, but never strangers. Think it was because at first people would ask “ How did it happen?” Most if the time I’d change the subject, or say I don’t wanna talk about that. Then if I actually would say how, especially if they kept prying, they would say something stupid and hurtful, or would give a look of disgust! Tonight I was actually able to talk about it, without judgment or faces, not just because the few people in our group are living with the pain, but because of this site and the people that have the same horrible path to walk in life. So this is for everyone when I say Thank You!! for your support and I hope to be as supportive to as many as you as I can. Peace to all

[MargeeTx]

Luanne: I love the kitty pictures!!! 

I just went back and reviewed lot of my older posts, and some of y'all's posts...this is really a journey.   I am not sure that I am making any real progress;  but, I am making some sort of mental arrangements regarding my thoughts of Jason.  I do not want to forget anything about him.  I don't think I will... my favorite older sister died 10 years ago and I still have all my memories of her. 

Only 7 days until the birthday.  It will be special.  I wish my health was better enough so that I could go to Alabama to be with Meredith.   Jason had a lot of tattoos.  One said "MOM".  I am not a tattoo person, or I would get one for him.  I just can't do it.  Instead, I wear a gold locket with a tiny picture of him.. Jason also liked his. Bud Light... I am not a lover of beer, but I will have a beer on his birthday.  And I will reflect on his life....cry, and remember my son.

i will get through this.

[NiquesMom]

Margee: I believe that our memories actually get stronger. I have always had some memory issues,  I think that's why I take so many photos,  I have always been terrified of not remembering. Since nique died, memories of her just pop in my head.  Maybe she is helping me from the other side. I wish you could be in Alabama,  but I know you will get through it,  and I hope you feel peace surrounding you. 

JRR, good for you,  being able to talk about Andrew.  I can talk about my daughter,  what she was like,  but talking about her death with compete strangers is still hard. I attend a support group once a month,  and when we talk,  we talk of how they died,  but also how they lived and how we are feeling right now.  The focus is not how they died,  which helps.   I wonder, when I get a new job and move how will I talk about her? Everyone at my job knows about nique,  so I haven't figured it out yet. 

Our love for our kids never goes away.  

I think I am rambling,  but what I want to say is thank you for everyone here.  I still can't remember people's names,  but I know you are all so kind,  and offer such kind advice. 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Ok all my June friends.  Laurie, Sherry , Colleen, Margee.  All of us who have to face an angel date or birthday this month. Today as the twinges, punch in the gut, stab in the knife heart feelings start to rumble in us, as we start the count down to each of our days. Margee I know this is your first but remember usually the days leading up to that day are actually worse. And you will have to plan if u havent already what your ritual will be or maybe you will just wing it and do what feels right for that day. What ever you decide will be what is right for you.  I’m going to try this year to take a “come on June, bring it on, do your best” attitude. Can u make me feel any worse than the last six?”.  Any of you care to join me in just kicking the crap out of June? Boldly taking one stinking day at a time and fight thru it . Cause today is the first, but yeah tomorrow will be the second.  Maybe I’m nuts, like anybody could blame us if we are? However we decide to proceed, we will all do it together, in harmony, side by side, plus all our friends on here I know will stand by us.  A month today June will be behind us for another year.  Let’s take down June instead of letting June take us down.  Hugs dear friends

Luanne.....Kira’s mama.  

[ericasmom]

Luanne, if you are nuts, then so are all of us...I love your new found ability to not only take each day as a step on your path, but to encourage and use the words that really matter to our newbies...I am very proud of your steps Girl! Come on JUNE, and all the months that follow,  take us by the heartstrings and fly us like a kite, we will carry all of our love in our flights.

[Tommy's mum]

louann so proud of you for wanting to take on June and kick your way through it. As someone who got stuck in the grief rut for so many years but now coming through is so inspiring for others in the same place. Your story gives hope to others in the same place. Sure you have had major ups and downs but each time got stronger. The additional problem of tackling grief head on after so many years of pushing it away and just existing not living, is that so many people have moved on and cannot understand. Being stuck is not a choice, it is depression, and/or PTSD that refuse to let the person function and grieve in an appropriate way. Being able to recognise you are stuck is so important, and the members here have helped to unstick many others with their wise opinions and advice and support. It is not a sign of weakness to admit one needs help it is a sign of strength. You should look back at some of your earlier posts to see for yourself how far you have come.

margarett tattoos are not for everyone! I still plan one day to get one for my Tommy but I have not yet found the right one and because it is a permanent marking I exercise extreme caution. I also have a locket with Tommy's photo in it and a lock of his lovely ginger hair, on my Tommy shelf in my family room, too afraid I will lose it. let us know how you celebrate the twins birthday. I always have a drink on my son's birthday and at Xmas and New year toasting him until we are reunited again. You are making progress I promise but it can be hard to see it for yourself. Well done you too.

virginia I forget names dates numbers just about everything so it is not just you. You are making good advances along the grief pathway and demonstrate how the love of your son can help you keep on going. That love builds determination to not be the broken parent, which is so brave and also so hard to do.You go girl!

jrr just keep communicating. The fact you were able to talk about Andrew at a meeting is great. it does get easier in time to do so and as parents we want to acknowledge our spirit child is still very much a part of our family to others. They may be gone from our sight but never from our life or heart.

[TearsInHeaven]

Luanne, sounds like you have a good foot forward.  Glad to see that.  My Piper's birthday is Kira's (and Brian's) angel date.  We always blow bubbles up to the angels. We will do special bubbles for our angels here.

Virginia, just something I use when someone asks me if I have kids. I always respond with, 'yes, two.  One lives in Wyoming and one lives in Heaven." That usually is met with a little taken back look but it also leaves it up to me if and how much I might want to say. I like the statement that "talking about how they lived".... that is the important part.  

Lesley, how is the ankle progressing?

[Brendan's Dad]

Hey guys.  Again thank you for the comments and support.  I really am taking what you guys say and trying to make positive changes in my life.  I am tired of just existing and ready to try to live again.  Working through my guilt I now know is the key.  I know I have made mistakes the past seven years, but I also know that I was not myself during that time.  I am not making excuses for anything, but I am going to try to live for the present rather than living in the past.  I cannot change the past.  I cannot go back in time and bring Brendan back.  I cannot go back in time and fix my marriage rather than run away from it.  Anytime I look backwards I fall apart.  I cannot continue to fall apart.  

Today I was at work and at the school near my house.  I saw all of Brendan's buddies out on the playground for recess playing softball.  I could see three of his best friends all waving at me.  I had not seen them in a little while so a flood of emotions took over.  I could not believe how big they are. They were all seven when Brendan died and now they are 14 and looking more and more like little adults.  How do I live in the present with constant reminders like that.  I got in my car and cried a little bit.  Driving out of the school i turn the corner and see two deer on the side of the road looking at me.  I know we were talking about signs a few days ago and I said I hadn't had one in a while.  I do believe this was a sign.  I have been working and driving on this road for 19 years multiple times per day and have never seen a deer here.  It just stood on the side of the road and stared at me.  It was a good distraction for me because it made me stop crying and get myself composed before I got back to my office.  I know we get signs from our loved ones.  I know he is near.  I just miss him so darn much.  

Thanks for listening.  I hope you all have a great weekend. 

 

Brendan's Daddy

[shorty16]

Usually, when people ask how our child died....it is for their own morbid curiosity.

Very rarely will I explain how my Brian died.  I usually just say " car crash".  

We have a choice as to whom to tell about how our child died.  Not everyone who asks deserves an answer.

My 2 cents on a hard topic for bereaved parents.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Tinay]

Hi all.  I know it's been a while since I've posted but I do read. I had to drive my daughter's car for the past few days. The first day, all I could see were all the selfies she took with her friends in it. Beautiful smile. Lots of fun. After that on my way to work, I don't know if it was driving her car or what but I seemed to be in a worse mood than usual. I made it through though. 

I'm heading out of town this weekend to get my memorial tattoo. I know it will be an emotional time. My mom and my sister will be getting one too. I also have a friend coming for support. 

I might be switching positions within the department I work. Hopefully, I get the position. I really need that change. If not, then I'll tough it out. Prayers that I get it would be appreciated. 

I hope everyone can find a little bit of peace this weekend

Peace and love to all

Tina - Kiona's mom

[JRr]

I agree not everyone deserves an answer on the topic of how our child passed. There are still some people that push the topic, and sometimes it’s hard to get away from it. I’m fortunate enough to be able to walk away, wich I have done more than once, but for my wife it is harder because she is in retail, and is a very hard worker and dedicated to her job. She feels like she can’t be “rude” to a customer, for the simple fact of they are the customer and you have to do your job. I have told her it’s not worth her sanity to deal with that on a day to day basis. It eventually got so bad, she had to leave that job, not just cuz customers, it was also Andrew’s so called friends coming into work and saying stuff and people just being dumb.  We both are just tired of the mean comments of “How could he do that to his family” or “He was selfish, or even the worst one “He was weak!!!” What the F!! My son was never weak, he was being poisoned by so called friends, the same ones who think they have the right to speak to his mother, my wife. He made the choices he did, but I know that deep down, if he wasn’t being poisoned he would have never did what he did. That was Andrew though he has a big heart and wants to help anyone he possibly can, no matter the cost. The leeches out there found him and preyed on him till they drained the life from him!! I’m sorry I get off topic, I just have sooo much I need to say, so please bare with me. The point I’m trying to make is it isn’t anyone’s business on how it happened, the point a great person is missing from this earth and he’s not coming back.  But when people push it, I just simply say “Andrew was a man who lived in the moment, and in that moment he made the wrong decision” that stops them in their tracks, plus it probably helps that I’m 6’3” and scary looking, at least that’s what my wife says, when we walk away from asking the Question.

[Mumtogeorge]

I read all the comments every day...god how do we get through each day!!!! We do.. and i come and read the comments again!! 

There are so many of you brave courageous parents out there...either trying to put one foot in front of the other ..or those who are facing a heavenly birthday or anniversary...they all break my heart!!

Bless you all..i take so much strength from this site..sorry you are here like me x

[Jeff's Mom]

Good reply JRr. People can be very inquisitive and it is mostly out of pure nosiness. In my case I tell people that he had a problem with his heart. He did. It was broken. Strangers don't deserve an indepth reply. I have  found that as the years pass the interest has waned for many. It is not of concern any longer to them. They have moved on. Good reply Colleen. I agree completely.

Tina, have a good time this weekend and good luck with your job. I hope the weekend is a good one with your family there to support you. Pictures of that tattoo when it is done. 

Dianne, I always say that I have two sons. One living in Calgary and the other passed away eight years ago. That is a sure way to stop the conversation. I just keep on talking as if it is normal and they can go along with it or not. Their choice. I like your response. As time passes it just becomes more comfortable in responding and I hate to say easier... as it really isn't. You just learn how to handle what is comfortable in conversation. 

LouAnn...it turned in really chilly today. The wind off of the lake is quite cool. We are supposed to have rain over the weekend. I'll take it. It's good for my gardens.

Sherry, Laurie... how are you both doing? And Sandy and Becky? 

Sending warm wishes to you all for a decent weekend.

Kate

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

JRr.  These are my favourite quotes about other people and thier total lack of insight and compassion for us.  I refer to them often:

 

“Oh sorry does my grief make you uncomfortable?  Gee, me too.  But my uncomfortable will last a life time and yours will be over by the time I’m done reading this page.”

i never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry and accept an apology I never received. 

Stop planting flowers in peoples gardens who aren’t going to water them. 

As I progress through my grief journey I will love myself enough to respectfully remove those people, events and places that do not support my healing and proactively replace them with ones that do.

 

only trust someone who can see these three things in you

the sorrow behind your smile, the love behind your anger, and the reason behind your silence.

 

Don’t waste one more precious moment my friend on any of them.  Took me about 6 1/2 years to weed out the bad eggs from the good ones.  I hope this helps you.

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama.  

[My girl is in heaven]

Tina.  Glad to hear u r getting out of town , nice to have a break.  Please do send us a picture of your tatto.  I have been thinking lately too about getting one. I know I would just want a small one. But I’m 57 and have old ladies wrinkly skin so I don’t know if it would look ok.  How is Grayson doing.  Hope u get the job transfer. Would it be at the same place u are at now.  I don’t know how you do those 12 hour shifts.  Have a nice weekend.

brendans dad.  I know how u feel. I’m almost 7 years. I went to pick up a pizza the other night and as I was pulling out of the parking lot, I saw my daughters friend and her mother walking in. It just stunned me, because I haven’t seen that kid since Kira’s funeral almost7 years ago and how much her looks have changed. Couldn’t help but think what my Kira would  look like now.  But she will always be just 17 to me.   I love those deer...omg was that ever a sign from your boy..I call those things my crumbs and slivers , cause unfortunately that’s all we are going to get.  Keep on keeping on and know Brendan will sprinkle your life with his presence again.

Mumtogeorge.  Your still breathing and hauling yourself out of bed every day.  Good on you. No one can expect anything more of you right now.  Lean on us, we will be here , holding that lantern.  Hugs

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama. 

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Kate.  We just had two or three days of nice warm weather but now it’s only supposed to be 14 coming up. Global Toronto news said the coolest April and May on record.  I’m not even going to plant flowers this year.  By the time summer comes it will be time for fall.  Lol. 

Lesley.  How is your dad doing and how is your ankle?  What is your summer weather like....really warm?

have a nice weekend.....sorry just a little yappy  tonight....no hockey on.  

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[ericasmom]

Busy day all day, no time to hang out...now I am too tired after last day of school with kids and then meetings and then after school party and short memorial for our friend who died at age 58. So a big long day with a great amount of emotion. I am so glad to hear all the good progress you all are making...Good luck for the job Tina, and great comments to those who perhaps cross the line asking questions that are too sensitive.

[MargeeTx]

Virginia: how did your interview go?  

I think trying to kick JUNE in the ass is a great idea!!!! There are way too many significant dates and memories coming up.... for a whole bunch of us.  Together, we can get through it.

not feeling my best tonight.... have been in A-FIB most of the day.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have my APP that sends my EKG's to my doctor.  And, all the calls from the monitors at KARDIA can be irritating.....I am such a noncompliant nurse.But only about myself!

catch up with y'all later.

 

 

[TRMsmom]

I'm really struggling with anger these days, actually almost rage. I have always been the most relaxed, calm, patient person until recently. The smallest thing sets me off.

So far, I haven't acted on the anger, but I'm starting to fear that, at some point, I might. I know in my head that the anger is one of the manifestations of my grief -- a kind of "angry at the world" sort of thing. Something doesn't go exactly right and I end up at home, pacing around like a caged animal, ranting to myself in my head -- and there's a whole host of physical stuff that goes along with it. A flush of heat, trembling, increased heart rate, rapid breathing -- I'm sure people can see it! And I suspect it's in my voice as well, not the words, but my tone and possibly volume. 

But since 2/3 of communication is non-verbal, I'm sure people get the anger, even if I'm not lashing out at them verbally. And I don't like the way it makes me feel physically -- it's really uncomfortable. I know anger is part of this journey, and I had bits of anger now and again since my wonderful Trevor died in July, but this is different. I can't seem to get away from it right now. I'm just hanging on and praying it will pass.

[NiquesMom]

Margee: I think it went well.  I have been asking Dominique that if this is the right job for me,  to please help me get it.  I have 4 interviews this week,  just have to keep trying. 

TRM: I know what you mean.  I have days where I am really good,  someone who never met me before would never know my daughter died.  But sometimes I hate everyone.  I am currently wallowing in depression,  alternating with anger.  I just feel sad in my soul.  I wish I didn't have the swings like this.  I try to keep it to myself,  but like you,  I am sure they hear it in my voice or see it on my face. Thinking of calling out Monday because I just don't feel I can handle everything.  

Everyone is asleep right now,  and I am sitting here feeling like I could just cry all day. 

[My girl is in heaven]

TRMS  so so sorry you lost your precious boy. But I just want to extend my hands and heart to you as we all do here, and know you do not walk alone this journey alone. I lost my 17 year old daughter almost 7 years ago.  I know t hat anger and rage is certainly one of the feels a grieving parent deals with.  Cause why my kid, our family, what did we do wrong to deserve this, why is god punishing us.  I always thought of those hundreds of kids in that high school why was it my beautiful, kind, caring child.  You can search the world over and u will never get those answers.  I always say if god came and sat right down beside me on my couch and told me why I still wouldn’t accept it.  As long as you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else, let that anger out how ever u can or need to.  Don’t hold it in.  Let it release.  You will have a roller coaster of emotions.  Let us help you.  I live I n Ontario, Kate lives in Winnipeg so while I’m sorry for the reason u came here nice to have another Canuck. And I have never been to Saskatchewan so am anxious to hear about and stories of your Trevor someday when u feel up to it. My email is ltaylor50@rogers feel free or if u want a call or want to call someone I can do that too.  Hang on dear friend. We walk beside you.  Hugs.

Luanne.....Kira’s mama