1 year anniversary of losing our baby boy

[MummyofFour]

A year ago, I had the biggest shock of my life. I have 3 healthy children and I was pregnant with my 4 surprise baby. I was 18+6 and hit recovering from a tummy bug with my youngest when my belly started hurting. It wouldn’t stop so I called into the hospital, dropped off my toddler with my sister & went in. I gave birth within an hour of the pain starting. I was devastated & so was my husband. I’ve never cried tears like that. It felt like my souls had been racked open and I was leaking from the centre of my being. It was a physical, emotional & spiritual pain that I’ll never be able to fully describe. I names him Thomas.
I wrote little poems, arranged for a funeral with my husband, choreographed it all, made a little vest for my son & tucked him in with a homemade quilt in his coffin before the burial. 
 
Now it’s one year later. The hurt isn’t the same. I realised very recently that I could think about him and not feel grief but I could feel happy that he was and is part of our family. I can remember him in positive ways, I can make new memories (the only ones I had of holding him were drenched in sadness). 
 

i wanted to commemorate him on his first ‘birth’ day so, as a family we decorated a cake & sang happy birthday. The next day we had a birthday party at the grave side with a picnic, pass the parcel & games. My eldest son made a happy face out of smarties to decorate his grave. I wrote him a letter, as I do for all my children’s birthdays and shed some tears that we couldn’t be physically together. 
 

I wanted to connect with others who felt like me so I found this site. However I wanted to share my sense of hope, that helps to cushion the sadness that I feel. 
 

I believe and follow the LDS faith (Christian). I believe that before we were born in earth, God made everyone’s spirits. Father in Heaven wanted us to have bodies and experiences to test us and bring us a greater sense of joy and so we could be more like Him. He created this world for us to live in families, grow and serve each other and learn to be like Him. He knew we’d mess up so he provided a Saviour to redeem us from ourselves & sins. This was His Son Jesus Christ. Christ gave his life, and was resurrected and just like Him, we all have this gift of resurrection where our bodies will be perfected, never again to die or decay, we will be whole. God gave His authority and power to seal families together for this life and for eternity, after we have died. Families can be together forever through Heavenly Father’s plan. 
I always want to be with my own family & the Lord has shown me that I can. 
 

I know that my little Thomas and I will be reunited when this life is complete. Not only that, but my husband and all my children will be together again after this life. I mourn that I cannot have him here now, to make memories and live life with us now. But I trust in Heavenly Father’s great plan for His children. I know that we will be together again, so long as I remain faithful to my promises to follow Christ. 
 

So, I am sad, I am still grieving but I rejoice in the knowledge that death has an end and I can’t wait to give him the biggest hug he’ll ever have when I see him again. 
I’ll live my life to the best, make the mot of this life so we can share stories and experiences when we see each other again. 
 

I hope this hope of mine might help someone else who is grieving and feeling lost and hopeless, that they might feel peace that our love ones are near and literally live on. Make them proud & hopefully they’re doing the same. 
 

goodnight baby Thomas xxx

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  I have lost 3 unborn children myself.  I'm 72 now and have two grown children, but you always remember...