Loss of a Brother

[carollynn knight]

Hi, my name is carol and i buried my brother Tim who died from  cancer and I am the only girl  3 older brothers , I live in ohio and the two other brothers live in different states ,  I have 4 kids 4 grand kids  but feel alone ? is this normal ? 

 

[KayC]

Yes it's normal in grief.   I felt that when I'd lost my sister over two years ago...I was her caregiver and she my best friend.  She'd been there all my life.  Other siblings don't stay in touch.

[Traz]

Hi Carollyn & Kay,

I know we're all on this site for the same reason - to express our feelings and feel supported on this grief journey. But it's still difficult isn't it? I can definitely relate to feeling alone at times, that's for sure.

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother Carollyn and for your sister Kay, I truly am. 

I turned 58 this year and it feels like the time is slipping away faster than it used to. In the younger years (30's & 40's) we were probably too busy to really contemplate what life would look like in our future. But then we start experiencing loss;  a highschool friend or the neighbour 2 doors down. And as we age; our parents, siblings, our spouses, cousins and friends. I'm grateful and consider myself fortunate to not have experienced these losses early in life though. My heart goes out to those who have and I hope somehow peace finds its way to their hearts. 

Now that I'm older, I feel like I think about death all the time. Morbidly so. I'm super close to my sisters - they are 11 and 9 years older than I am. We lost our brother to lung cancer in 2013 when he was 51. Our parents are also gone and we have no relationship with any cousins on both sides. So me and my sisters are the only ones left of our nuclear family. The thought of losing either of them fills me with anxiety bordering on panic and I feel it more each year. The same for my husband of 32 years. I don't even think I can type the rest of this sentence without crying, because the thought of losing him is unbearable. I have selfishly said numerous times, I want to go first, because I don't think I can do life without him. 

Getting older is hard enough without all this fear hanging over your head. I guess I need to learn to live more in the present and treasure every single second with everyone. I know this was long and I apologize for going off on a tangent. I hope you both still have lots of loved ones left and are able to find joy through them.

Peace to you,

Traz 

[KayC]

No, pretty much everyone gone and the siblings & kids left don't call and I never see them.

I live life alone with my service dog, turning 72 in a month.

9 hours ago, Traz said:

I guess I need to learn to live more in the present and treasure every single second with everyone.

Yes, I learned to take a day at a time.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Traz]

I'm sorry for all of the losses in your life Kay. I know these situations are complicated, but is there any way you could reach out to your surviving siblings & their kids? 

I'm just throwing that out there, but I know how complex family dynamics can be. I was estranged from my sister for nearly 4 years during the pandemic. It's a long story but we are now trying to mend fences. 

I'm so glad you have your service dog, they truly are angels. 💗 I have two 10 year old dogs and love them to bits. It's incredible how much  animals enrich your life.

Take good care,

Traz

[carollynn knight]

On 9/1/2024 at 6:51 AM, KayC said:

No, pretty much everyone gone and the siblings & kids left don't call and I never see them.

I live life alone with my service dog, turning 72 in a month.

Yes, I learned to take a day at a time.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

thank you for your help

 

[KayC]

You're welcome!

[carollynn knight]

Thank you for the kind words , its only been 2 weeks so I imagine this feeling will stay longer than I would like,  songs and peoples comments are sweet and kind and helps so much . but sometimes I just cry  i think thats ok , I sent a song to Tim by Cher, You haven't seen the last of me, I cant get thru it without bawling, but now i just call it therapy     again thank you for your kind words 

[KayC]

When my husband died, I couldn't stop listening to our songs...now I avoid them, it's so hard.

[zygro]

Hi my name is Jennifer and I live in Indiana and I am the youngest and only girl of 3 children and I lost my oldest brother nearly a year ago and I am still struggling with day to day life and sometime I'm ok but other times I have to force myself to do stuff he was like my best friend.... I could call him and no matter what he was doing he would drop it for whatever I needed..... I used to call his phone to hear him talk on his voicemail but they have given his number to someone else now.... this has to get easier