Mother

[Jacque G]

Today marks 3 years that I watched my mom due of vascular dementia.  She took her last breath at 1010am today.  It feels like it was yesterday.  I can not seem to move on or deal in anyway.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, ten years my mom has been gone, from dementia.

Moving on is a misnomer, we don't move on, just learn to carry it.

Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

[Jacque G]

2 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry, ten years my mom has been gone, from dementia.

Moving on is a misnomer, we don't move on, just learn to carry it.

Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

I have not found away to move on what so ever.   I can't seem to let go of her 

 

[KayC]

This is very fresh, I wouldn't expect any different.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[ImMomma]

On 7/17/2024 at 2:14 PM, Jacque G said:

I have not found away to move on what so ever.   I can't seem to let go of her 

 

My mom paased in Aug 11, 2006.   I have not let her go I carry her with me in my heart & memory.  

 

I remember sometime in the 3rd the year it hit me - i have been living without her.  I had created new routines and kept to some old ones.  I had somehow incorporated her memory & her absence into new holiday traditions.   

That is my experience.  My best friend who lost her mom in 2010 has stopped.  She has done & does what she needs to do to live, but she just stopped her life.   She stopped celebrating at all.  We talk about our moms sometimes and that helps us, though I tend to talk about funny things and how I think my mom would react to the thi gs going in today & she generally focuses on past events.   She said sometimes it helps her when I try to think how her mom would react or what she would think of something today because it helps her think forward and not focuaed only in the past.   She is getting more comfortable and beginning to feel like she is starting to manage her grief instead of her grief managing her.    

There is no getting over, or even getting through.  At least for me.    I was in my 40s when my mom died.  I am 65 now and still there are times I have a knee-jerk reaction to something and think "I gotta tell mom about this"  sometimes I 'tell' her anyway and think about what she might have to say about it.   

 

 

[Jacque G]

I just want to cry all the time.  I just wish when I need to talk to someone she was still there.  No meds have helped or counseling for 3 year.

[KayC]

I'm so sorry, it's been ten years since my mom died of Lewy Bodies Dememtia, stage IV.  My sister died over two years ago, she also had dementia, I was her caregiver.  It's tough.

[Jacque G]

My mom had vascular dementia and I brought her home to pass. I miss our talks several times a day.

[KayC]

I miss my sister every day too, we talked every day as she was always in my life. I was closer to her than anyone, in spite of her dementia. It was at its worst following an evacuation. 

[Matthew48]

3 hours ago, Jacque G said:

My mom had vascular dementia and I brought her home to pass. I miss our talks several times a day.

Dear Jacque G,

I feel your pain every single day -- so just know that you aren't alone.  

My mother died a little over a year ago. She developed a rare autoimmune blood disease called aplastic anemia, which required her to get blood/platelet transfusions at least once a week. Not even a year after she got the disease, she had a brain bleed stroke. She was never the same again, even though certain aspects of her personality as well as her memory stayed intact. Interestingly, she recovered very well physically from the stroke, but not mentally. My father and I suffered greatly while caring for her 24 hours a day for almost 2 years. We barely slept in the last few months of her life.  She eventually had a two massive seizures due to insomnia/stroke scar tissue? and was hospitalized for almost a month. Sadly, she contracted hospital-induced sepsis and died three or four days later. Her mind was completely gone in the last week of her life. There was nothing more we could do for her. We ran the marathon for her, knowing in the second year that she was never going to get better, mentally-speaking.  Her aplastic anemia was left untreated, except for transfusions, because the effects of her stroke make it that she couldn't withstand any hardcore medical treatment. The strangest thing ever was that she stopped needed blood transfusions in the last month of her life. Go figure! 

Please know that I understand your profound loss. While I still have my father and a sister, I know that they can be taken from me any moment. Life is short; life is fragile. We're all just a split-second from death at any moment.

You're not alone, friend. Think of me and all my sadness when you grieve. I couldn't have been closer to my mother (just as close to my father, too). 

Peace and healing. 

[Sadinsc803]

I am so sorry for your loss. My mom became an angel Sunday. She was best friend. 

 

[Matthew48]

54 minutes ago, Sadinsc803 said:

I am so sorry for your loss. My mom became an angel Sunday. She was best friend. 

 

I just want you to know that I feel the same pain you do. It's terrible. Of course, there are no words. 

Just remember to be gentle on yourself, and try not to run from your feelings. The first year is a year of processing what happened. There will be a lots of shock, denial, yearning, sadness, etc. You'll get through it somehow -- you really will. Healing takes a lot of time, reflection, and self-care. 

Please remember that you're not alone. 

Take good care of yourself. 

 

[Jacque G]

I have been trying to do lots of self care, massages boxing hot yoga and kauai.  I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

[Matthew48]

21 hours ago, Jacque G said:

I have been trying to do lots of self care, massages boxing hot yoga and kauai.  I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

Yes, we need to do all we can. Self-care helps us to heal. All of those things you mentioned are fantastic. 

I'm wishing you deep healing.

Take good care.