Loss of both parents and home

[LisaPr]

I want to preface this post by saying I am NOT religious and don't believe in fate or meant to be or anything like that.

Hi everyone, it's been 7 years since I lost both of my parents 6 weeks apart and then my home. It was my ancestral home, I lived in the apartment upstairs from them and took care of both of them for a very long time, almost 15 years. Dad had prostate cancer that spread and was terminal. That was hard enough. He was paralyzed from the waste down from the cancer so we had to put him in a nursing home as we could not give him the care he needed. We had a small house besides that, no room for equipment. We were there every single day and night for a year and a half. Then he declined and finally passed in late Feb. of 2017. Mom had a bad heart and other health issues. While he was passing, and I mean exactly at that moment when his body started to go, I got the call that my mom had aspirated during surgery. She had rescinded her DNR and didn't want to leave us. I had just hung up with the nursing home being told dad had started the process of leaving. I couldn't not believe what was happening! She made it through but was on life support for a week while dad was leaving his body. Life is so cruel sometimes, you know? She made it out of the coma to live only another 6 weeks. I got the call in the middle of the night, just like with dad, that she had started to process of leaving us. Her passing was anything but peaceful. She was allergic to morphine and all they could give her was codeine and valium. I won't get into the details but it was a hellish 36 hours that she was fully aware of the entire time. She suffered immensely and she didin't deserve it. Both of them had really difficult lives and it was an insult that at least my mom couldn't find peace in her passing, that she was suffering until her last breath. I have been hurt, angry and feeling like I'm in a nightmare since this happened. Some days I'm okay but I justlost another loved one (I've actually lost so many loved ones in the last 10 years I feel left behind). 

After losing them I lost our home. I'm disabled and low income and did not have the funds to keep it. I tried absolutely everything. That was another loss and slap in the face. Things have been really, really hard since then and I wonder what I'm doing here! Regardless. I keep feeling like maybe they're mad at me because both couldn't pass in their own home and I was their POAs for everything. I tried so hard, my own health failed because I was so exhausted. 7 years later I just lost my best friend to cancer and my beautiful kitty of 15 years and it's bringing up all those feelings, those memories, those painful moments. It's been a hard lesson of life does not give a crap how good of a person you are and if you did the right things. I miss my home, I miss my family, I miss my kitty and I am just tired of being on this side of the veil. I feel miserable and I feel like my parents maybe hate me because of how they passed. Even though I did my best. I know that sounds crazy, but it's how I feel. I'm just so alone. I've lost so many friends to illness, car accidents, you name it. People leaving me when I need them the most (still alive). Lost a cousin to covid, lost another relative to suicide. Just so tired of all the loss. It feels so empty all the time. And I'm not well myself, having a hard time in life in every way.