My Mother is getting a new Friend

[Raxs]

Hey everyone,

I lost my dad when I was 10 years old and now I'm 22, so it's been some time.

I've never completely gotten over my dad and I'm pretty sure I never will. I know I'm not depressed, I'm living a happy life. But my dad was everything to me.

On my dad's deathbed, my mother told him she would never replace him.

But now she's getting a new boyfriend, and I've decided for myself, even though it's selfish of me, that I don't want to meet him.

I wish my mom all the best with him, but from my point of view, I just don't want to be a part of it. She thinks it's important for me to like him, but I don't think so because it's not my decision who she is with and who makes her happy. He can do that even if I don't like him.

I tried to communicate this with her, but she didn't want to understand it.

So am I wrong in this? And does anyone have tips for me on how to handle this situation?

Thank you for reading this confusing text and for helping out.

[KayC]

Parent dating too soon after death?
Dating After Loss

I would advise you to meet him, maybe not right away, but give him a chance. Does you mom not deserve to be happy and have companionship?

Many of us felt the same upon their death...it's been 19 years since my husband's been gone, last week, that year it was Father's Day.  I'm nearly 72 and growing old alone, it's hard.

[Raxs]

16 minutes ago, KayC said:

Parent dating too soon after death?
Dating After Loss

I would advise you to meet him, maybe not right away, but give him a chance. Does you mom not deserve to be happy and have companionship?

Many of us felt the same upon their death...it's been 19 years since my husband's been gone, last week, that year it was Father's Day.  I'm nearly 72 and growing old alone, it's hard.

Thank you for your help and the articles and im rly sorry to hear that about your Husband.

The point is, my mom totally deserves to be happy, and that's what I'm trying to tell her too.

I don't even want her to not have a new friend. She should do whatever makes her happy, but I also know she doesn't understand me because we've had this talk several times already and it always ended in a dispute. I mean, it's even hard to put my feelings into words, but I try so much.

I'm a very introverted person who prefers to be alone because I feel the happiest there, and I also understand that my mother is not that way.

But I also know the way I am. As soon as he would come often to our house, I would totally hide in my room and never ever come out because I just don't know how to deal with it.

And I mean, I know I'm a 22-year-old guy, I should deal with that. But it still hurts so much.

Because the second I would meet this person, I just know that I would act weird and everything in my body would tell me to get out as fast as possible.

And probably she has chosen the worst timing because tomorrow is his death anniversary, or probably I'm just trying to find every excuse to tell myself I'm right.

But also, life is just raining down on me currently. My father's father (my grandpa) recently got diagnosed with breast cancer and it's not possible to heal him anymore.

My brothers moved away, so I'm the only one here who is able to help them, and I don't even get 5 minutes anymore for myself because I'm just trying to help them and keep the house fixed, since my mother is most of the time with her friend.

Anyways, this is getting too long now. I will try to get some time andget my thoughts gattered about that. Thank you for your thoughts again, all the best to you.

[widower2]

On 6/27/2024 at 3:01 PM, Raxs said:

Hey everyone,

I lost my dad when I was 10 years old and now I'm 22, so it's been some time.

I've never completely gotten over my dad and I'm pretty sure I never will. I know I'm not depressed, I'm living a happy life. But my dad was everything to me.

On my dad's deathbed, my mother told him she would never replace him.

But now she's getting a new boyfriend, and I've decided for myself, even though it's selfish of me, that I don't want to meet him.

I wish my mom all the best with him, but from my point of view, I just don't want to be a part of it. She thinks it's important for me to like him, but I don't think so because it's not my decision who she is with and who makes her happy. He can do that even if I don't like him.

I tried to communicate this with her, but she didn't want to understand it.

So am I wrong in this? And does anyone have tips for me on how to handle this situation?

Thank you for reading this confusing text and for helping out.

I don't think it's for anyone to say that you're right or wrong, but I do think you're missing the point. It's important to her that you like him (or at least try) because you are so important to her, and therefore so are your feelings about this. It was probably not easy for her to decide to date again, and your disliking it makes it even harder. What if she breaks up with him because you won't accept him and is alone for the rest of her life? This has happened many times in similar situations. Do you want to be the cause of that? 

My advice would be think of your mom first in this situation, yourself second. Make the effort to at least be civil to the guy. Who knows, if he is a nice guy, you might even get to like him, even though it may feel a little "weird." But is that asking so much, given how much it would mean to your mom? It's not like you're disrespecting your father, any more than she is. 

 

 

[KayC]

On 6/27/2024 at 12:36 PM, Raxs said:

And probably she has chosen the worst timing because tomorrow is his death anniversary, or probably I'm just trying to find every excuse to tell myself I'm right.

You're absolutely not off base, to feel as you do under all of these circumstances!  Would it feel better at a restaurant than at your house?  Whatever makes you most comfortable and a short visit would be best, to keep your anxiety to a minimum.

[Stars*in*the*sky]

 

Hello there Raxs, 🌟

I commend you for asking for assistance for your particular situation. The death of your father is a different grief journey for you than it is for your mother. You were a young boy when your father died. The processing of a death is different as a child than it is as an adult. You have stated in your post that you do not want to meet your mother’s new friend. That is up to you and you alone. That is your choice and that is how you feel. If she chooses to move forward with a new friend, that is her choice. What is right for one, may not be right for the other. If you and your mother hold each other in the highest regards, there will be mutual respect. Stand tall and have inner strength and calmness. Remember all the good and happy times you had with your cherished father on the anniversary of his death. I hope you can spend some time with your grandfather while he copes with his medical issues. I wish you peace as you move forward in your young adult life. 🌟