What do you say when they ask you how many children you have?

[notuno]

I lost my 7 years-old son a year and a half ago due to a brain hemorrhage from a botched surgery.

He was the sunshine of our lives, it's been a long, hard journey and I think of him every day. We are fortunate to have a wonderful daughter, now almost a teenager. Seeing her grow and flourish against all odds is our biggest consolation.

I am still conflicted as to what to say when I meet new people and they ask me if I have children. I don't want to reveal such an intimate detail of my life unless I know the person or I sense some affinity, so sometimes I answer I have a daughter, but later I feel guilty of erasing the memory of my son. Other times I said that I have two children, without going into details, but then later people sensed something was off as my son never entered the conversation, or they asked questions such as what grade he is in.

So what do you do that makes you fell in peace with yourself and respecting the memory of your child?

 

 

 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. And don't get me started on the joke that is our medical profession, but anyway:

I know this is hardly the same thing, but when I'm asked how many siblings I have, I usually include my sister who passed years ago. So far, nothing has come up that would be awkward like "when was the last time you were together" etc. I guess it's a case-by-case basis...if you feel it's a simple question with little follow-on conversation, mention them both and that's it. If it's more, I could see just maybe mentioning your daughter. That doesn't mean you're "erasing" him in any way, but just dealing with awkward social situations as best you can. 

[notuno]

2 hours ago, widower2 said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. And don't get me started on the joke that is our medical profession, but anyway:

I know this is hardly the same thing, but when I'm asked how many siblings I have, I usually include my sister who passed years ago. So far, nothing has come up that would be awkward like "when was the last time you were together" etc. I guess it's a case-by-case basis...if you feel it's a simple question with little follow-on conversation, mention them both and that's it. If it's more, I could see just maybe mentioning your daughter. That doesn't mean you're "erasing" him in any way, but just dealing with awkward social situations as best you can. 

Thank you for you sympathy and your answer. Recently I mentioned my son and evaded a follow-up question, only to receive more questions the next time I saw this person, to which I answered the truth and the person just froze.  I have found that most casual acquaintances, unless they have been through a similar loss, prefer to just turn away. This is another reason why I'd rather not say anything at the beginning, but doing so still bothers me.

[KayC]

If anyone should feel awkward it's the questioner, not you, because they are prying, so should be prepared for any answer.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I recently went through what widower2 mentioned, and I have lost two sisters, one more recently.  The one I was closest to.  I understand that might make you feel some kind of way.  It's rough, I think you should go with whatever leaves you feeling less awkward...maybe counter with "I'd rather not talk about it."  I know when I went through my infertility of several years, I hated Mother's Day at church and them make all mother's at church stand...it was very hard.  Esp. when I'd just lost one (I lost three) or worse yet, when it had passed on but still hadn't delivered yet.

 

[ImMomma]

A delicate situation.  Some people are chatty & looking for some conversation topic you may have in common.  I tend to stick with a one word answer but sometimes thats impossible.  I might answer with "I did" which subtly lets them know.  Most will say "Im sorry" and change the subject.    Or maybe i sidestep answering at all and ask them a question. Instead.  A lot depends on my own mood and what kind of response I can handle.   Or, as someone else said, I say I lost my child and I really am not up to talking about him.   

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I understand.  

[birds_eye_view]

Sorry for your loss. This is never an easy question to navigate. I've started telling people "I had 4 kids" then if they ask more, which is usually how old? I'm honest and say 23 and 19 and my two angels would be 25 and 21. However you respond will be right so long as it's genuine and feels right 💗

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, but I appreciate your weighing in on this.