How do I help my Husband? and myself?

[LukeC]

To say I feel lost is truly an understatement.  In January my brother in law committed suicide at 21, it came as a complete shock to us all and the act itself was quite gruesome. I can't believe we missed this. He was doing well, was married and had a baby and seemed fairly happy. There were no signs leading up to this that anyone, including his wife noticed. When my husband called me that day and asked me if I was sitting down I could not possibly have imagined he was calling to tell me his brother died.  I don't think it's really hit me until now.

My husband and I have a very strong relationship but this nightmare has certainly caused tensions as one could imagine. We have both been racked with horrible nightmares and difficulty sleeping, naturally creating tension.  I also fully recognize that perhaps I have not been as supportive as I can be. I just don't know how, it's difficult when he doesn't want to talk about it with me and has pulled away and been distant.  I feel so lost and unsupportive and I don't know what to do.  Watching the death of his brother age him and his family decades has caused me such pain and in a way I mourn my husband because he is not the same lighthearted and dare I say silly guy he was before.  I know he will never be the same but I feel like I'm watching him fade away into a depression and I can't seem to pull him out especially while he pulls away. I encouraged him to seek therapy which he attended a few sessions of, but it did not take nor did he seek out additional therapy.  I have also sought therapy myself and in many ways it helped me process a lot of the anger and the imagery that unfortunately came with the death.  I feel that therapy would likely help him do the same but I don't know how to continue to encourage that when it's met with resistance.

Reading through some of the posts in this community have really resonated with me. One in particular stuck out and I felt the need to share my own experience and hope that others could maybe have some of the same relief in feeling that you're not alone and see what others may have to offer me.  Being the partner to someone you love who has experienced the tragic death of a sibling is not easy.  I myself have a fully intact family with the exception of grandparents who all passed peacefully and at age. I cannot possibly begin to imagine what my husband is going through right now. I want to be there for him but I'm not sure I know how or how to help him get through this.    

 

[KayC]

Do not turn on each other in your grief and frustration.  Be there, be supportive, care, listen.  I am so sorry for what you are both going through.  My heart goes out to the both of you. I'm glad you had someone's post that resonated with you.