Dad moved his girlfriend into the house after only 4 months

[AStellmach]

Hello!  

My beautiful mom passed away almost 6 months ago now.  My parents were married for 44 years.  After mom my died my dad started seeing someone I'm guessing about a month after my mom died (guessing because my dad won't tell me).  At month 2 my dad was on vacation and I went to my parents house to do farm chores and I noticed new things in the house that were not my moms.  Now although he denies it I'm pretty dang sure she is living in the house.  To me it seems so disrespectful for my mom.  Makes me question if he wasn't having an affair with this woman.  How can he just move on so fast?  My dad knows how I feel about all of this.  I was still trying to keep our relationship good even though I was so angry.  My boys adore their grandpa so I was doing my best to make it work...even though I told my dad I don't want to meet her yet.  Fast forward to last weekend when we went to the family cabin...She has stuff there as well.   She already lives in my mom's house now she wants to take over the cabin.  How can my dad let her do this?  It's almost like she is marking her territory. I told my dad I won't be there this summer.  I told him I wish the cabin was for our family for us to spend time with you.   So this is part one of the issues of my dad.  The second part is I am trying to stay connected with my dad.  I have invited him over for dinner so may times (we live 5 mins away) invite him over for a drink and sit out on the patio.  I have invited him over on Easter and all I get is I can't tonight or I'm not home.  He never invites us over to his house (especially now because she is there).   He will take my kids fishing for a few hours at the cabin (cabin is only 45 mins away from home).  He won't even let my kids in his house...only in this big shop (where he has a pool table and air hockey table).  It is so heart breaking for me!

So with all of this I broke this weekend and texted him how I am feeling about her and stuff at the cabin and his lack of effort to stay involved my our lives.  I was relativity nice about it but pretty much said I need to take a step back for my mental health.  And told him he needs to put more effort in our relationship because I can't keep doing this.  Also my older sister is okay with this new women...so this just makes me feel very alone and isolated. makes me sad because we use to be close.  I feel like he doesn't care about me and just wants me to go away.  So for now I am done until he shows he wants to have a relationship with me.  Just sucks because my dad is 71 and don't want to waste time with him....man this SUCKS!!!

Am I wrong for feeling like this?  What do I do?  

 

[KayC]

2 minutes ago, AStellmach said:

Am I wrong for feeling like this?

It depends, do you WANT to drive a wedge between him and you or do you want to foster a relationship?  Think about what he is feeling and thinking and how your message might come across to him.

[AStellmach]

I absolutely do not want to drive a wedge between us.  I have been trying to foster a relationship with him for the 5 months but I'm getting 0 effort from him.  He keeps pushing me away.  I 1000% understand that him losing my mom has been extremely difficult for him.  But It has been extremely difficult for me as well.  My mom and I were the best of friends...talk everyday.  So at what point do I just give up or keep trying even though I feel like my mental health is going down hill?  I want to be there for my dad but it seems like he doesn't want me involved in his life anymore.  I'm sure if I was okay with this whole situation things would be different.  I just can't make my feeling change....I have been going to therapy for the last 2 months and doesn't seem to be helping with the situation with my dad.

[KayC]

I'm sorry your therapist isn't helping...I usually suggest if it hasn't helped at all in three visits, to try another one.

[widower2]

Sorry to hear about all of this. It doesn't sound like he's making any effort to stay connected to you, and that's on him. That said, there could be a couple of things going on here...before you even said anything directly, he may have picked up on you being angry about this new woman, and was either angry about that himself or just didn't know what to say to you and didn't want a big blow up. I can't say of course, I don't know him. Also, keep in mind that while you were close to your mother and talked every day, you still had a family of your own...she was an important part of your life, but still just a part. Assuming none of your siblings are still living at his house, she basically WAS his life. That's a whole different kind of loss, esp after so many years. I agree it seems disrespectful that he "moved on" so quickly, but loneliness one of the most powerful of all motivators, so he may have done it because he just couldn't bear to live alone. My best friend's neighbor lost his wife (years earlier they lost one of their children too) and he very quickly started dating as well. Again not excusing him, just some things to maybe consider. You said your sister seems OK with it...maybe talk to her about it?

[AStellmach]

2 hours ago, widower2 said:

Sorry to hear about all of this. It doesn't sound like he's making any effort to stay connected to you, and that's on him. That said, there could be a couple of things going on here...before you even said anything directly, he may have picked up on you being angry about this new woman, and was either angry about that himself or just didn't know what to say to you and didn't want a big blow up. I can't say of course, I don't know him. Also, keep in mind that while you were close to your mother and talked every day, you still had a family of your own...she was an important part of your life, but still just a part. Assuming none of your siblings are still living at his house, she basically WAS his life. That's a whole different kind of loss, esp after so many years. I agree it seems disrespectful that he "moved on" so quickly, but loneliness one of the most powerful of all motivators, so he may have done it because he just couldn't bear to live alone. My best friend's neighbor lost his wife (years earlier they lost one of their children too) and he very quickly started dating as well. Again not excusing him, just some things to maybe consider. You said your sister seems OK with it...maybe talk to her about it?

Thanks for taking time to read and reply.  My dad and I have talked about this already and he knows how I feel.  We cried together and he kept saying she is just someone for him to do things with.  I get that...but it's more than that...now she is living at the house my mom just died in almost 6 months ago and has things at the cabin that we go to a lot in the summer (which I don't think I can do anymore).  He is choosing her over us.  I invited him over for Easter and he said he already has plans (which was to be with her).  He has gone on multiple vacations with her. On mothers day all I got was a Happy Mothers Day Text.  I totally get that loosing my mom was harder on him than me.  BUT  he is also filling the role my mom once had.  I can never replace the role my mom had in my life.   I just feel like he doesn't want to deal with me and my feelings.  I feel like I lost my dad too.  It's like the carpet keeps getting pulled out from under me.  Just when I start to feel better...something else gets slapped in my face.  It's just so hard.  

Thanks for listening to me!!  I will take any advice I can get at this point!  I can't keep living like this! 

[widower2]

You're welcome and I'm sorry both you and he are dealing with this. Based on what I can tell and what you've said and keeping in mind I don't really know any of you, it doesn't sound like he's choosing her over the rest of you. Why must he choose? Can't he have both? Just because he didn't come for Easter and is spending a lot of time with her doesn't mean that the rest of you mean any less or he's abandoned you. Keep in mind that this loss is still somewhat new and fresh to ALL of you...I suggest trying to give it and him some time. 

Have you ever met her? Does she seem nice enough? Maybe instead of resenting her you could try to get to know her and if she seems a decent sort, you can see that given a choice of your dad being alone or with her, option #2 is much better for him (and for her, for that matter...she's a person too and likely has also been very lonely, whether as a widow or divorce or whatever). With all due respect, it's easy for you or someone else to say he should just sit around the house alone agonizing over your mom's death for a lot longer...but he's the one in that agony. How long is long enough? If seeing this woman alleviates that pain even somewhat, is it really hard to understand why he would?

PS: that it doesn't mean she's "filling your mom's role." NOBODY can replace her and I'm sure he knows it as well as anyone. The only role she's filling is him having that partner around all the time, which he's had for a very long time and now has been ripped away from him. People are social beings; on the whole most of us hate being alone all the time, and even more so after being used to having someone around for so long. What he's done is hardly uncommon. Yeah probably most wait longer, and I admit if I were in your situation I wouldn't like it either...but every loss is unique and IMO no one else has a right to expect or tell someone how to deal with their grief. You may not care for it, but it's his life, not yours. He sounds like a good person who isn't just dismissing your mom; he has to deal with it in his own way. I respectfully suggest trying to allow for that. Of course that may mean you need more time too, to be able to do that.

You said you and he talked about it and you both cried together. You both sound like good people, so I think it's safe to say it's not like he's trying to disrespect your mom's memory. But she's not on this Earth anymore and he is, and he has to go on living life. Why live it alone if he's comfortable, even simply really needing, someone else's company?